 This is a weird video to make and I keep trying to figure out a way to start it. It's appropriate But you know what? This is just how we're gonna start it Um, I was driving back from Denver with my mom yesterday from a prosthetics appointment And I started getting messages like a lot of I just spilled my tea. I'm pretty sure in the last video I spilled my coffee. Please know this is literally a part of daily life for me Anyways, I was on the car ride back got a bunch of messages was like what's going on I looked into it and this is what I found. That's me talking on Lad Bible like the Lad Bible like the huge social media presence site I they did a video on me They compiled clips from my story from the videos that I put together and published a video and it went Viral that sounds real weird to say um, yeah, so there's that I did it's weird overwhelming very cool Thank you Lad Bible for starters I thought I would use today as a chance to give you guys a quick three month update because day is the three month Month of anniversary of my amputation good chance for a overarching update and give me a chance also to answer a lot of the Questions people had I know there's a lot of new faces here And so let me just kind of compile everything into one video and let you guys know how everything's going and address Some of the stuff that came up in the video some of the comments guys I just I don't understand people um so it makes for good content to laugh at if nothing else We'll get into that in a moment, but first of all, how are things going? Um pretty good actually There are definitely a lot of hiccups. I like I said I got back from my prosthetics appointment yesterday They couldn't get things quite right and then I sent a picture this morning because my knee was super bruised From the adjustments I had made and they determined that like we have to start over my leg It's just changed too much and they can't fix it without redoing the whole thing. So that usually happens like Every four to six months at the beginning not after a month So that's a little bit of a bummer But you know it like I said it's part of the process like these things happen So going up next week and we're gonna redo the whole thing. Hopefully it'll fit a lot better Hopefully it'll feel a lot better because even though I am able to take steps without crutches It hurts and so I don't really do it. I'm still in crutches all the time I never wore my leg at home because it doesn't feel good So it's hard to get back to normal activities or figure out a new normal because I'm still hopping I'm still without a leg. Hopefully that will get figured out. Phantom pain Which a lot of people asked about is so much better than it was this morning when I was having breakfast I just kept jumping because they kept getting what people call zingers it's like essentially like an electrical current just shoots down your non-existent leg and Hurts and really makes me jump and occasionally I'll get like burning feeling or tingling or itching which is super annoying It's kind of like whatever at this point were before in the first month and a half after surgery I was like crying at night because the Phantom pain was so bad and just I couldn't get away from it And so I'm super super super grateful and lucky that it has gone down so much one of the biggest questions that that big video that they did didn't answer which I think is fair to tackle now is Was it worth it that is simultaneously a very easy answer and a Complex one because yes, it was worth it. It was a hundred percent worth it. However, it's hard It's harder than I thought mostly because I had no way to conceptualize how difficult it would be like I knew like okay The next six months are going to be hella hard and that's really all I knew. I didn't know all the specifics I didn't realize that everything was gonna be different that everything was gonna be hard that it was gonna be Such a significant change. So I'm in the midst of all the hard stuff I'm in the midst of like Still having a lot of pain with it if I'm ever like touching it or putting pressure on it I am still not really able to sleep because I'm trying to adjust to the change. It's not pain so much anymore It's just like I have a ton of anxiety at night and I can't sleep and it's just weird There have definitely been a lot of setbacks and I knew to like mentally prepare myself for the fact that there would be setbacks I just didn't know what those would be and so like falls thought that I maybe wouldn't because I'm good on crutches turns out You fall anyways So I bashed my leg up really bad at the beginning of December It caused a lot of hindrance in my progress And so like that slowed me down and the whole like length issue with my leg It's it's getting worked out like it will be okay But it has caused issues and so there have definitely been a lot of hiccups But overall things are moving forward I hope to return to jujitsu in April Because that would be six months after my amputation and six months is like the minimum time before you can do something like that And I really hope to be able to walk when we go to Ireland my big goal is to be able to walk with my dogs around the block In the summer. I love waking up early in the morning in the summer and taking my dogs out around my neighborhood It's a super simple easy little thing But I find so much joy and peace in that but there's so many things I have to be figured out that it is totally Overwhelming and exhausting that does not mean that it wasn't worth it It was a hundred percent worth it and I think that I will be so excited to look back in a year I know that at that point I will have come so far that things will be so different and so I'm taking things did take a time right now and Not looking much further than that because any further and I my brain implodes because it's too much But it was worth it 100% it was worth it and thank you to everyone who asked and with that quick update out of the way I think it would be great to dive into some of the comments that I got on that video because Man, um, some people have too much time. That's all I can say, but some of the Less offensive ones will go through a lot of people were like this girl just did it for the attention They didn't say girl. They use lots of four letter words But we're gonna say girl for the the PG Ness of this video I don't feel like I need to justify this, but no, I didn't cut my leg for the attention I did not have a surgeon. They should clarify. I also didn't amputate my own leg Some people were confused about that. There was no like hacksaw chainsaw battle x situation happening in the backyard It was surgical room with a talented surgeon But it's really odd to me that people would think that someone would make a life-altering decision forever Like this for attention, and then it got me thinking well Maybe maybe they think that because I put this on film like because I start this channel I started this channel when I had surgery But I did videos for a while before that like even just for myself and two things first of all doing this it helps me tremendously like this is a weird new thing to adjust to you know and Being able to put things into words for you guys helps me make it make sense to myself and Doing videos where like you see my leg means that I see my leg on camera and see how you know how it looks and it gets more normalized to me and some of the stigma goes away and Being able to like talk about this openly Really really helps me process it helps me normalize it So that's the first reason I did this the second reason I did this is because I thought you know if anyone is ever in a Similar situation though. I doubt that's ever going to happen Which was a naive thought then maybe it will help them maybe they'll want to follow through and figure out like look at how I made the decision and how this process went and what I have been shocked to find Really because people don't make movies about this You don't see people with limbs that have been lost to elective amputations We only ever hear stories about soldiers losing limbs, which is horrendous Let me not downplay that for a second losing a limb in any way is not good But we generally only hear stories about like explosions car crashes things like that You see someone wake up in a hospital and they don't have their limb anymore And they have to adjust to that like super traumatic life change There aren't stories or movies or anything about people who agonize over the decision of if I make this permanent decision That I cannot reverse is it going to be better for my life and Anyone who is in that position who is thinking about that you can count on the fact unless they are seriously mentally ill Which is not the case for the vast vast vast vast majority They are in serious pain They have suffered a lot as humans we are programmed to want to keep a hold of our body parts That's human nature like that's evolution that's survival It's important that we have functioning bodies and people want that this is not a decision you make on a whim It's not a decision you make easily and so many people have reached out to me and said I'm in a similar situation Like I'm trying to make this decision I don't have any good options left and I don't know if it's worth it or my family doesn't understand or the doctor I have Seems to think that that would be doing more harm than good But I don't feel that way you know just so many people so many of you are in similar situations And that blows my mind because I like I thought I was sort of alone And I'm not and you are not like if this is something you're considering you're really really not alone So in short to answer those comments. No, I did not Permanently alter the course of my life and remove a body part for attention There are much easier and better ways to do that I can think of many and I'm sure you can't do probably my favorite weird comment was someone said I bet she's a Democrat And I was like what does that have to do with? Anything nothing about this is political. I've never talked about anything political that I talked to my dad about and he had a great suggestion Are you ready guys? Are you ready for a super corny joke? I amputee in my right leg, which means I'm left leaning now Anybody anybody as I have assured you before I'm not going into comedy I like corny jokes and puns and that's just who I am though technically I am Leaning right because I lost the right part of my body anyways moving on now something else a lot of people asserted And let me just say that like the weird or bad comments were like a Percentage so many who were so supportive and amazing and thank you, but another comment I got a lot was like this was a stupid choice this Four letter word doesn't know what she's doing. It doesn't look that bad. She made the wrong choice That was like the wording that most stuck with me, but people repeated that in many different forms and guys you cannot tell What is going on with someone by looking at them? You cannot tell what kind of internal battle or how much physical pain someone is in by By eyeballing it by spending two minutes looking at a video or even by talking to someone sometimes There are extremely real invisible illnesses and also people get really good at hiding pain I've got really good at hiding pain because you want to live a normal life Like you don't want to spend every day and every second every relationship complaining about how much things suck and how much things hurt and You don't want to not work And so you do whatever you can to make that happen you do whatever you can to like put on a good face and Bake it as hard as you can and you end up exhausted But like at least you're trying to live life and all that to say like I don't love it when people Tell me that I'm stupid or an idiot for making this decision Because they weren't in my shoes I totally respect the fact that people have opinions and like good for them and that they wouldn't have done the same thing in my shoes Like for sure like everyone would make their own decision in this instance and not the decision would have been wrong but it does bother me that people make assumptions for anybody based on a very small understanding of the situation and Thinking that just because they wouldn't make that decision. It must be the wrong one I've also had people tell me repeatedly I must be fake because there's no way that they would be positive in this situation and that seems silly to me too Because everyone's different like we are built of an entire lifetime of experiences Which play together so intricately like first of all you don't know how you'd react if you lost a limb and Second of all I'm allowed to be positive I'm allowed to want to look at life in a good light even though it's rough even though it's hard even though It's difficult sometimes and just because you wouldn't do it the same way Doesn't mean that I'm wrong or bad or fake for doing it the way that I'm doing it because I have made my story public I am like fully aware of the fact that I will get weird or dumb or mean or angry comments from time to time That is not a surprise to me But something that I've been learning to do which has been helpful is Realize when something hits a nerve and I start having an emotional reaction to it because someone can say something like oh you Just did it for attention. I'll be like no Actually, I didn't permanently alter my life So I would have attention because again there are better ways to get attention than that But then someone will comment no one should be paying attention to your story because there are Soldiers who have lost their limbs to IED's so Bitches like you can live a free life. Shut the hell up Stuff like that and something like that will get to me will make me sad or upset or question If I should speak out or be like, you know, I shouldn't really have a hard time with this because other people have gone through worse or Whatever and it gives me a really good opportunity to realize like where I'm insecure What still hurts and what needs healing like what I need to work on and I'm trying to use like any Negative comments I get for that purpose to like recognize in myself What hurts and where I need to work on things if that makes sense It's taken me a long time and it will continue to take me an even longer time to really make peace with this because I'm like 30% there but It's okay To make decisions that are best for your life Even though people have it worse even though people might not understand I feel like there is pressure of this weird pressure from society Simultaneously to like live your best life, which is such a cheesy thing to say But we're just gonna use it for the purpose of explaining this like live your best life But then when you try to do that get a lot of anger you get a lot of hatred You get a lot of like backlash and then push back and I think there are a lot of reasons for that But if you're watching this, I just want to encourage you if you want something in your life You don't have to feel selfish for going after it being selfish is not taking other people's thoughts or feelings into Consideration only caring for yourself. It doesn't mean Making choices that are good for you. It means not giving a rat's ass about anybody else We seem to confuse those definitions in society sometimes and think that Making decisions for ourselves or our lives or our futures are selfish because they upset people or confuse people or people might Understand them or they might make people feel bad or make people feel smaller or less because you're doing something and like do it Anyways, I'm in learning that still like this decision was a big step for me Because it upset people because not everybody was on the same page And I felt like I shouldn't make this decision because it would upset the people around me and it took my counselor Pointing out repeatedly how and why is it is to make choices for myself Based on Only how it affect other people even though I know something is best for me even though I know something is right And I'm probably not explaining this very well But essentially what I'm saying is if you want something if you know something is best for you It's okay to fight for it. It's okay to go after it people will probably push back but hey, that's okay too like you'll find support you'll find your people and I'm finding my people and finding support and the amount of support that you guys have given me that my family has given me that the amputee community has given me has been Mind-blowing and and priceless and so amazing and I will forever be grateful. It's crazy to me that it has been three months It seems like 90 days is no time at all. I can't believe how much has happened in that short period of time I know that there's so much to come still there's so much to learn still and I'm looking forward to that and excited for it But right now taking things one day at a time So right now I'm gonna go take my leg off because it is not feeling great I had it on to like go out in public and do work and take care of stuff So I'm gonna take it off and put some ice on it and keep drinking tea What are you guys to rest today? I would love to hear let me know in the comment section below You guys are marvelous and wonderful, and I hope you are doing very well Thank you again for your incredible support throughout this first three months of my journey And thank you everyone who is here and new from that video. That's so nice of them to do and just Overwhelming and super mind-blowing, and I'm really grateful for it. So anyways, thanks guys. I love you I'll talk to you soon. Bye