 All right, we are live. Welcome. Welcome to our chat about Empire of the Vampire I sell this yet. I know for real No, I feel like Your deep smoky voice right now Alex you should be the one to say Empire of the Vampire Empire of the Vampire Wait, why is yours red? I don't know Why is yours black? Is this is just the regular is yours a special edition? There are like five different editions of this book. I have there were like five different editions of the arc of this book No, I I don't actually know I mean, I got it from Barnes and Noble so maybe it was a that it's like a special edition That might have like had a sticker on it that got taken off Probably Yeah, I do brilliant though Gotta say I'm brand So for those of you that don't know we both love this book so much. We couldn't wait to talk about it All right, hello, yes Yeah, we we we don't um We can't contain our excitement This book. Hello. Hello Yes, got me. Um, Alex really kind of like dropped the ball in every sense I didn't finish the book didn't get dressed up Didn't put makeup on did not used I mean, you could have put up some like black velvet drapes behind you to like over there In the you know from the ceiling in the middle of the room to just like create an ambiance I mean, I can put on like a witch's hat or something Would that be helpful? A witch's hat. You really didn't finish reading this book, Alex. This is not a witchy book. Oh my gosh I mean it it's halloween season. I don't know what else you want from me Just my black lipstick, uh, the thumbnail is a lie One hat one half of it was a lie I'll be bamboozled It's okay. I'll just photoshop I'll go back after we finish the live and I'll download the footage and they'll just photoshop in some black lips to Hover around your face like uh, please instagram filters go to those extreme lengths to do that True than advertising I do like that you asked my permission to put that thumbnail up though. Like I was going to be mad. I was like no I don't I mean, I feel like the type of um Okay, we're just going to talk about this book, right? So like I feel like there's some fragile masculinity at play And I feel like that kind of fragile masculinity would be like you made me look not masculine in this thumbnail therefore This is unacceptable. I mean we are talking about a really really manly book so Can't can't be embarrassing Tell us your new favorite book outlets It's I know why you DNF'd it. It's because you were like I want to savor it. I don't want to rush through this so So when I read petrich review of this where he Literally said he hate read the first 400 pages And then the second half of the book was a five out of five Which my brain just can't comprehend I actually loved the first 300 pages so much that I was like this book's perfect I don't need to read another 439 pages of this because it's great It's just perfect the way it is you don't want to mess with a good thing Exactly It's like when you have a good meal and you don't want to order dessert because like the flavor in your mouth is so Good, you just like don't want to mess it up I usually get halfway through dinner and I just throw it away because I'm like, why would I finish this meal? Like it was perfect. I mean if it's a good meal If it's a bad meal you finish it, but if it's a good one you stop halfway and then throw it away If it's great, you get to 40% and then you say, you know what? I'm good I don't need yes. Yes. I DNF'd it this book sucks ass Okay, this is one of the worst books I've ever read But I am excited to tell you about things that you didn't get to experience Cool, but I can't talk about stuff that I did experience I was like it doesn't make up for the fact that I had to experience it in order to tell you about All of it was was awful. It was the worst I don't understand how people like this book because it's written As if Jay Kristoff was an angsty 15 year old Trying to be cool insulting to angsty 15 year old It probably is but jesus christ man because like I don't know if you've seen gen z out here. They're pretty mature I think I mean they would take umbridge All I gotta say is I question every single author that gave I know author reviews don't mean anything But every author I respect the gift is five out of five Robin hobb John drawing freaking John Gwyn V each wobble. I'm like this is not Okay, oh get into the spirit. Okay, so I'm gonna start saying fuck a lot wait only if you also say we I will say we I will say merci And I will say What's the other french word that he uses? Randomly a mafamee Oh my Mafameel gotta hated that so much. Um Yeah, so I question everybody that gave us a five out of five, especially authors that I respect because This makes no goddamn sense to my brain um Once again, so I'll say instead of 15 Let's call it an angsty 13 year old that like had a bad day and is in like a goth phase It's like I'm just gonna be How to make this really fucking cool. Um, you know what? I'm just gonna say that this is really fucking cool Okay, I'm gonna tell my fucking story and I really fucking hope you're not trying to monetize this video because Fucking demonetized immediately. I mean basically if we want to talk about anything that happens in this book at all and not just be like Then yeah, right instantly demonetized. I mean Jesus. There was like 400 fucks in this book It it literally was one of those things where and I don't know if the second half He tones down on this or not Um, whatever you're about to say It was just like There's so much emphasis on instead of just writing Good good words good sentences. He's just like I'm just gonna keep saying fuck And I love the word fuck if I'm not gonna say fuck that I'm gonna say something in French Or I'm gonna make a joke that's like in some way about like female genitalia or being a horror or menstruation or You know, yeah, I'm sure that was fun for you. It wasn't it As fun as the rest honestly, it's just like Like I just I don't understand like why This is supposed to be set in France, right? Like the entire point is that they're all French But it's like he doesn't know French Or I mean, it's generally a pet peeve like of mine. Um, like in any book or Movies to I guess like when something is supposedly taking place, you know in Germany or in France or whatever And so then like everyone's speaking in English. So then like I understand it or I interpret it as like Basically, this is like real time translated. Like we're supposed to assume they are speaking French right now But we are hearing it in English because but if they also start using French words and I'm like We are they not speaking French this whole time It's so dumb and I feel like it was J. Crestoff being like this is gonna be pretty cool Good lord. Okay. So the review first of all, yes 100% It's not for kids, but it's also only for kids because what It like self-respecting adult reads this shit and was like, this is really great writing I really love let me let me pull up one of the the best lines of the book Um, his well, this is like zero percent in this is great This is super moving stuff. The sky was darkest in the horizon Redis's ladies lips the last time he kissed her shut the fuck up Um, I have to tell you the book also ends with that same. I didn't realize that it was with the exact same words Love it. You know what I love more than that is uh, you cling to that railing like to your mother's tits I'm actually pitching your mama's tits. There's Literally a your mama's joke In this epic fantasy of sophisticated french vampires Well on the subject of tits later in the book when he's having his own gerald and siri Um shenanigans where he's hanging out with this child Because he literally just rewrote gerald but made it worse He says some he tells her to calm her tits And I was like really calm your tits and then and then Later when he's bugging her about something she tells him to get off her tits about this You know the one get off my back, you know, because you know get off my tits is definitely an expression that But that we say get off. It's definitely something that all women say especially children women Yeah, um, especially in a in an epic fantasy Surrounding vampires and silver saints and definitely not the catholic church um I just Who is this for like I don't It's for j christoff I I don't understand but okay You may have heard someone in the chat said they've heard calm your tits. Yeah, people say that as a joke to but If I was reading wheel of time And moraine was having a fit with ran. He was just like calm your tits. Okay. I'd be like what? No, which but like in fairness calm your tits is actually an expression but get off my tits about this That's just not a thing in any time period in any year It's just not a thing But even if it was Why is it in here in this book? Why are yo mama jokes in this book? Like And then people praise his pros His his purple pros. Well, it's so beautiful Truth be told. Oh my god. The pros is actually in truth Uh, one of my favorite things if I were to speak truth is reading in truth How fucking beautifully Truth be told this pros really was Can't forget the truth And I checked with motha me and we they concur If truth. Oh, yes back to that. So it's like They're supposed to be french Just they're french, but the books in english so we can read it like that's fine You don't have to do and like if the proper nouns for things all have a french vibe You know like the names of people the names of places all sound french like that can be french But like what you're saying i'm assuming what you're saying is in french And i'm hearing it in english because I don't understand french Yeah I'd be like me just walk around saying gracias to everybody just but that's like the only spanish word I use Like that's it. Please do Like just please and thank you in spanish. That's all No reason for your family. Oh, yeah me familiar. There you go Just gotta throw that one around I wish that your last name was an animal so that we could also make lots and lots and lots Of references I mean, it does loosely translate to snow because the eva is snow. So What if I just talk about snow all the time? Yes, I can tell you how frosty you're being about things after all I can call you cold blood Sick We've come full circle I may not do it right away though patients cold blood. Oh my god So let's not get ahead of ourselves. Let's talk about so apparently get off my tits is a thing in australia and new zealand Um, but to which I just got to say sir. I thought this book was supposed to be french in town not In the outback of france So to everyone that tells me as as much as they like to say it this is a very aussie book I don't know what that means Australian and if very aussie translates to dog shit, sure Uh, this book is terrible Well, and then we also got him Using words like ken You know, like I can look at that happen. Why? Like several times and I was like, are we in scotland also? sometimes Um, so I really don't know what he thought he was going for Is this Yeah um So the plot um Before we get to the plot we've got the brilliant introduction to this book that people uh Without with you know with a straight face used as like why this book is so fucking rad Of like him him just blatantly being like this is my feeling about god like Before the book even starts I'm just like I got some deep thoughts guys in this blog Filled with gifts. I will tell you about how god, you know, he's not all that and I I can prove it He might not be as good as you think he might just be a prick Like okay, you called god a prick. Oh my god. This is so edgy. Oh super edgy super edgy Okay, so yeah the plot she was good with that Well, okay, so like It's very hard to actually watch to like offer like literary criticism of this book because mostly i'm just like It's so stupid and garbage, but like nope as a as a book um, I I'm very very very irritated by the um, I don't know the narrative device of like how it's being told um So like there's lots of books where a character is telling their own story like totally But usually those books like because it's a bit of a stretch Usually that a character would be telling them their story in a novel basically. Yeah, and so usually in those circumstances Um, we don't really cut back very often if at all to a point where the character is telling that story We're just kind of like i'm going to tell my story and then it begins and you're just like I guess they're out loud saying all this but like Or like son eater even where it's like he starts out by saying like i'm telling my story now And then at the very end of the book he's like and even then like son eater Like it seems like he's writing his own story So in which case like if i'm sitting down to write my memoir sure it's going to sound novely Or like in the case of name of the wind like which is what christoph comped this to I mean kvothe is like i'm a storyteller sit down and write this down I'm going to narrate to you and i'm going to do it my way and i'm going to guild the lily and And whatever and even then the book happens like he like in the present day It's like a third person narrator that's saying this is going on and then Most of book happens where it's just like i'm telling my own story It's in first person, but it's just book happening and then we have a different chapter where it's an interlude Where we cut back to the present and it's third person again And then we go back into the story, but it's not like ongoing and it's just so Unbelievable to me that this character who is under duress Being forced to tell his own story and it's like i'm going to tell it my way in the most lurid detail And he's going to jump around in the timeline to so that he can surprise his audience Who he hates and does not want to be telling his because this is my favorite thing to tell you is that he Has a surprise which i definitely guessed immediately what that would be quite the shesman Towards the end of the story. There's like a weak cut. That's why we jump around in the timeline And and then it's you know, it said his wife and child are dead. Sorry spoilers So he's acting like they're at home this whole time and he keeps saying they're at home this whole time And he keeps seeing visions of them and then like the girls like i figured it out They are at home because that's where you buried them and done done done because they like jumped over that and i was like What person under duress who does not want to be telling their own story would be telling their story where like Everything that i felt sexually while i was being multiple times pleasured by multiple different women and all of the blood And all of the feelings and then like i have to withhold information. So it's a bigger surprise to you my Jailer when i tell you that which you already know his jailer definitely knows that this guy's wife and child are dead Because he lives in this world with his character. So like i just the fact that the whole thing was in quotes the whole time And in the middle of a scene We would get an insertion of the jailer being like, oh, gay, braille you dead a thing right there And i'd be like, oh my god because right i'm supposed to believe that everything you're saying right now Is you sitting in a cell saying this right now and that is just so ridiculous it's also weird to me that He of course had to be like so back when i was 15 Let me tell you about the first time i drank blood like no I don't want to know about your Going down on your period girlfriend and Taking it too far and drinking her blood from her vagina. We needed to know We needed to know That's what i forget who it was. I watched a review So to say like the scene immediately after that keep in mind. He just left doing this. So he's covered And then kiss his mom on the face it's like Okay This is what we're doing I guess it's a b a movie that revels in a schlock but But also i don't think christoph knows that that's what i was gonna say Do you know exactly what they are and i'm not sure this book does because it also really tries to be cool and like Fancy and sophisticated and with the whole like my wife and child who are the only thing i've ever loved in this world and they are dead It's like I mean sure i'll take your word for it. Maybe he knows But even then B movies don't tend to be so homophobic and misogynistic There's also that is lots and lots of fun so fun Leanna how many female characters get treated well in this book? Well, the mom got kissed on the face with blood but other than that. Oh, but I think Are we to understand She and she was consenting when she conceived our main character. I'm not sure So I guess his mom Because she had sex with a vampire Yeah, what happened to all the other female characters in the book though, they did not have a great time Unless they were into each other in which case they had a good time and we got to have a good time seeing them have a good time That's one does yes De Leon is weaker than the other half bams But then it makes him into a special snowflake. I mean in every sense our main character is a special snowflake But you know, it's because he has the heart of a lion I don't know if you're aware that de Leon refers to a lion And so he has the heart of a lion a little lion lion hearted de Leon The truth be told I Cannot tell you like I legitimately you started flinching every time there was the word truth or true Like find a different phrase It doesn't make it old-timey that everyone that he keeps saying truth be told in truth if I were to speak truth like For me it was more of The swearing just felt childish me and it was like he couldn't write anything actually impactful without Just saying fuck Like that doesn't I think I think you didn't get there But there was a scene where three characters just said fuck you told me about that fuck like just The three like I get it that it could be funny But at the same time If it's every single impactful scene he was just like how do I make this edgy or dark? Or cool or impactful and it was just throwing the word fuck in there And that just doesn't work after your 40th time And then he does it like 300 more times. It's just obnoxious to me Especially because it also has the tone not of like oh in this world They're just casually saying fuck because they're just casually say it it feels very like look how many times I say Fuck isn't that so like cool and edgy? Yeah I don't know there's every time I like I I don't think I've ever eye rolled as much Reading a book as I have at this I mean like so many paragraphs and I was just like if we are meant to think that this is complete schlock like a b-movie I mean it the new york uh james brawlins The big huge blurb on the back says j christoff latest dark fantasy empire of the vampire Is a gothic blood bath that will leave any reader including this one breathless The story is a vast apocalyptic canvas reminiscent of justin cronin's the passage even steven king's the stand Yet christoff's work stands on its own ruthless merit as the opening gambit of a richer tale yet to unfold I can't wait to return again to this rich lush and bloody world until then read this book now so that's the thing that was like if you listen to like um I guess like five star reviews of this book. They're not talking about how like Over the top and wink wink it was They're talking about how legitimately This is just one of the best dark fantasy novels that they've read Which I can't take it seriously because I don't feel like it's trying to be that I feel like he's trying to be cool and edgy Like if you're telling me to interpret this the way that I interpret rings of power to actually intentionally be a comedy In which case I could enjoy it because like oh you meant this to be dumb Then okay, but i'm pretty sure amazon and just uh j christoff. I don't think either of them realize that they have written comedy But it's also it's like if you I get it like it's vampires. So there's always a level of schlock that comes with vampires because people can't help themselves But it's like campiness yeah, but like if you take something like true blood or vampire diaries or Buffy like buffy is meant to be kind of like dumb and schlocky but like true blood to its I guess credit is meant to be more adult and like Serious, but even then it's like they can't help themselves sometimes I feel like that might just be a problem for any vampires And he just took it to like the next level of like I I can't help myself And i'm gonna do this every single paragraph to the point where it's just nonsense Which also it just makes it monotonous. I'm just like If you have like a scene that's like an insane bloodbath Um, it's like, okay. So the boys, you know like on amazon the show Like it's I don't it's a pretty dark show and it's pretty serious But it also is like taking the piss and being kind of funny and a lot of the gory scenes Because some of them are serious Yeah, some of them are serious and some of them are like really absurd gory scenes But they are also genuinely gory and also they are not all the time So like every so often there's an episode where there's this like insane like Orgy of violence and it's like or a little holy shit But it's not all the time and most of the time It's pretty low-key and it kind of earns its moments and like butcher going around saying fuck all the time Like isn't doesn't feel like oh look how edgy butcher is being because he keeps saying fuck Well, that's the thing is like imagine if first law was told where every character in their internal monologue Or when they were having a conversation Was just saying fuck all the time Like it would just be annoying like why Well, also every single character's sense of humor was the exact same Like there wasn't like different characters with different personality types interacting in comedic ways Like the type of snark that we got from the kid that he's with that's his own series Is like the same humor that gabriel has which is the same humor that the vampires have which is the same humor that everyone Everyone is either like an evil villain that speaks in shakespeare-ish Phrases or they have the same humor that gabriel does Yeah, so I understand that buffy was comedy horror in action, but that was kind of my point is like it knew what it was Everyone talks about this book that likes this book as if it's some like great epic fantasy novel They don't talk about it being over the top hilarious that like it's all wink wink nudge nudge Like a b-movie because no one talks about it like that. They say that. Oh my god This is actually a really cool adult like no, it's not This book is not it's not for children, but also it definitely is written for 14 year olds Because I don't understand how you think this is cool I also don't understand at what point I was supposed to feel hooked by this plot Like okay, I know any situation where a character's telling their own story, you know, they survive They're telling their own story fine, whatever, but like So he's just like rambling about his like sexual exploits and and violence and whatever I'm just like what is the plot like what what is this hook that I'm supposed to be like? I can't wait to find out this or I need to see him overcome this or this is a deep mystery that I mean We have him talking about how god is an asshole and he's got some deep thoughts about that We have him talking about all of the many times that he has pleasure in someone or been pleasured by someone And we have lots of the word fuck And lots of actual violence was just like blood everywhere and it's just like just happening in a series of events I also find a series of unfortunate events. That's what this book should be called So urza said how old are the characters? So gabriel is like in his 30s when he's telling his story Right, and then he goes back to like when he's 15 and then he's like 32 and then he's like 17 and then Because he's constantly jumping back and forth but like despite the fact that he doesn't want to be telling this story He wants to tell it in a way that includes some surprises for his audience of one. Yeah I mean sure if see it so okay people are saying that like It's dumb fun and somebody just said that's why they also read sarah j mass like I hate that shit Which is why I hated this and I literally asked me and I was like I don't know if this is unfair to sarah j mass, but like is this just sarah j mass for dudes Because that's what it feels like And I I guess that's partially what it is so sarah j mass for dudes But then there are people that reads sarah j mass There's some people that read sarah j mass and go that's a bit of fun And there's some people that read sarah j mass and say her world building is some of the best that I've ever seen And her characters the character work is just amazing and I'm just like No, you have joshanna who's like no, I'm here for the fairy sex like I'm not taking this seriously Which I'm like fair. Yeah but um like okay, so Help me because I'm 32 if I was retelling my life to someone. I'm quite positive That I would not go into great detail of what happened when I was 15 sexual That's because you're not in jail and someone's not making you tell your story like that's weird. Isn't it? It's super weird like how old okay, so when they Imagine sitting across from someone who's like tell me your life story and you're like, fuck you never I hate you. I hate everything that is your kind. I devoted my life to murdering all of you No, you must tell me your life story fine. Okay, so when I was 17 My girlfriend at the time was sucking my dick and while she did that Lo and behold, she sunk her fangs into it and long after I completed She was still sucking. I'm like, what the fuck dude? You're telling this to your tail? That's weird Let me sorry. I I misrepresented the scene Let me read what actually happened um prior to his climax Because this is a long paragraph, so I'm gonna skip a little bit. Okay As long as you don't skip any of the french I don't know if he actually uses french in this paragraph to be fair but So this is when I was like, this is just sarah jame asked for dudes because when he's when he's writing this He's talking about her kisses descended and she hissed in pleasure pain at the sizzling touch of silver ink to her mouth But there were no tattoos below my belt. No ages to bar the way to her prize And there at last she sank Signing as she reached into my britches and set me free Hicking at hot and cool of her hand Continuing down she's stroking him things are happening. No imagine saying those words about yourself to your jail interview To the person who has you in jail Anyway, she dragged me even higher into a starless burning heaven And all I knew was the feel of her the sound of her the hungry moans and silken flickers pulling me ever closer to my Brink and at last as I fell somewhere between the size and the blinding light Of the flood of my little death into her waiting mouth. What the fuck dude? I felt it the stab of twin razors Slice of agony amid the bliss. So she's biting his dick a rush of red before the rush of my ending So he's profusely bleeding out of his cock In her mouth and also coming Uh, and she drank long after I finished Still she drank Who I'm not squeamish, but like who the fuck is this written for? I mean as your jailer, I would like you to continue I don't get it But also, okay, so if this is like kindle and limits muddy that's what i'm saying though Do the authors of kindle unlimited smut? Throw a hissy fit because their book did not make good raid's choice awards for the air. Just wondering Like I get it like if this was just supposed to be vampire smut I really want allen to read this book now, but like allowed Yeah, it's out of it's out of context because it was a dream like who the fuck cares It's it's a literal scene that he wrote Like it's just it's vampire smut sell it as vampire smut. I don't care. It's not for me clearly, but like That's what it is So miss me with all this like all this is great epic fantasy. Like it's literally vampire smut Like that's which is fine if that's what you want to read Cool, but like don't try to pretend that it's not that because they were 100% is also like In my experience well other than sarah j mass, which is why sarah j mass is probably the apt comparison Smutty books tend to be quite short because it's like we're not here for plot. We're here for smut So it's just like here's the character. Here's the character Here's the situation where we need them to be to bang and now we'll be doing the banging for the next 100 pages This book is 740 pages long. Yeah, so like sarah j mass is also that overwritten for a book that's mainly there for the smut That's fine though, dairy you can But don't try to sell this as some big epic fantasy. Like that's not This is edgy edgy vampire smut plus it has art in it. Like it's illustrated Like cool color illustrations with like multiple special editions. There were multiple arc editions Like this was like a big fantasy release for the year. Yeah I don't know We haven't talked about the homophobia though, which is also so much fun. Are we gonna talk about our boy talon? Our boy Someone's boy. I don't know the catholic church's boy Talon the it's absolutely crucial to the world building of this Epic story to include the word sodomy several times and that it is a sin Can't have the book without that can't Have this fun rompy smut filled vampire times without Sotomy is a sin. Are we having fun? He's a sin guys and then he calls him a cock gobbler We clean so fun Good god for an entire like this book sucks It's like this entire thing revolves around Like catholic vampires Which like I don't know if you've ever thought about this alex, but like god is all powerful And but bad things happen. So like Is actually god all powerful. I think he might be a prick Aha that philosophy Next level that's some That's some psychology for another oh you missed it because it's later on in the book So you know how it's all basically the catholic church obviously and so instead of no like it just is No, but it's not um the virgin mother. It's the mother made Um, so a sweet mother made they say a ton. It's first miss instead of christmas Um, and then so, you know, they have the sign of the wheel instead of the sign of the cross Yeah Well, we have some more deep thinking philosophy when he's like I always thought it odd that they would make the the church would make a symbol Or their symbol the instrument of their savior's torment. Why would they make the wheel their symbol? Rather, they should have celebrated something good of that. He did it his life instead of make I'm like so deep So deep no one has thought these things before so Yeah Oh All right, richard. This isn't twitter. Okay. Let's calm down There's shenanigans But yeah, like I get it too there's gonna be Homophobic religious people but again, it's like you chose to put this in your epic fantasy Like you base your entire vampire religion set up on this like you didn't Like you made that choice to say What are there more people in chat? I'm just kicking them out. Anyway as uh Yeah, so Tell me about some stuff that I didn't get to In the second half of the book that apparently is a five out of five. I only read the shitty part of the book I told you we already got like the crappy Vampire like we got the like hot topic brand version of gerald and siri which um great so great so no, I'm really eager to know because I I only read the bad part of the book. I did not get to the pinnacle of the book which was the next I mean, okay, so it's not a plot, right? Okay, so I don't know the series of events that you missed out on if I can remember Because it's it's a lot. I I'll be honest like in the latter half when I realized there was enough lot When we had more sex and more violence and then some sexual violence and then some violent sex You know all the combinations. I just kind of was like, mm-hmm skimming skimming skimming um Okay, so things that We found out we found out that they think that the the holy grail Is this kid? Yeah It's a living person. That's the holy grail and then like the big mission, right? Is to like save her and then like these ladies that were Trying to save her and believed in this then they Might have died or did they So then he's well then we cut back to like when he's young again And he like he does some impressive things that impress the queen So he asks a boon of the queen and he gets to like marry the like that girl that turns out to be like a bastard of the Royal family or whatever that he met before Marries her and apparently has a kid with her and the kid's name. I wonder if you can possibly guess What the name of the kid is? Um patience. It's patience. Oh my god. That's why he says patience so much patience cold blood So anyway, um, so now he's guarding in the latter half of the book He's like gerald in theory like he's like charged with guarding this like human Holy grail And more shenanigans and then they end up reuniting with the like chicks that were like we have to do this ritual to bring back the daylight with the human The holy grail And then he finds out that the ritual Actually requires them to kill her and he's like I don't care about your god And I don't care about we'll find a different way to bring back the day We're not killing her and like she figures out that his wife and child are not actually Home waiting for him. They are dead and that's why it's so important to him to Save her and she's like I can't be that to you. I can't be the daughter that you lost um, and he's like You know, whatever I love you for yourself and blah, blah, blah, blah, and it's so charming and and heartwarming and and yeah Oh, yeah, and the present day he tries to break out of jail again and fails at that and And yeah, and then we have the exact lines that you read about the skies being the color of red of her lips Blah-blah, but yeah, we end with that because we came full circle. Hell, yeah That's exactly how I needed the ending to be I really angle that that line in particular. I was like this better come back Because it was just so Epic. Yeah. I mean that was worth all of the 800 tower. How many is it? How many pages is it? I think it's 739 is what Goodread said Is that accurate? Yeah, I think so. Well, this well, this is 734 Oh look, there's his fami Oh my family. Oh my goodness. We mercy Did we hit them all that was that was all three words that he used right? Oh, okay, the very very end patience. He whispered the end Chills Yeah, so here we go. Yeah, but what you just read Um, he looked down at his hands hand that had hands that had slain things monstrous Hands that had saved an empire Hands that had allowed the last hope for his species to slip and shatter like glass upon the stone The sky above was darkest sin the horizon read as his lady's lips the last time he kissed her He ran one thumb across his fingers the letters inked below his knuckles patience. He whispered Oh, give me the next book now my goodness And then imagine dragons played as the fucking credits rolled Oh my god So somebody said what what were things that we liked about it because clearly it must have been a love hate relationship um I don't remember liking anything about the book I wanted to say that I liked the art, but I actually didn't very much like the art It it was fine That has nothing to do with the book though. It's I mean, it's a thing in the book Sure, but it's just it's just pictures um I like The main character I just have a real big thing for lions. So yeah, I'm a real sucker for that I really don't know like I don't I just so why don't you tell us what made you decide, you know what I'm not going to finish this book Even though I'm going to chat about it Why was it at that because you it's not like it was worse Like it's not like it was like fine fine fine and then around 300 pages It gets like it was really off the rails and it's like super bad. So like Why was that? So here's the thing by like chapter seven. I already was like, there's no way in hell. I'm finishing this book And the more I talked about it and people were like Yeah, somebody somebody my discord was like, oh my god, I need to know like how are you liking it? And I started talking about it and then I just like sunk into a pit of despair and was like Just reiterating everything I was reading to the point where I was like, you know what? I actually Hate this more than I thought and then I read some more of it and I was like, nope not getting any better And then I got to what 300 or so pages. How how many chapters is that? Anyway, as I find this Well, because it's also not just chapters like it's the different parts. Yeah, whatever That's the book's this dude talking. There are parts. I got to Around 300 pages or so whatever chapter one of part Who gives a fuck light of a black sun? Sure And I was just like there's no way I can read A whole other half of this book Because there's 400 Plus pages left It's so fucking repetitive and I don't just mean the word fuck or in truth because obviously that's fucking repetitive and we and my family and mercy But it wasn't interesting either. I mean like I was like a lot of the jokes and a lot of the scenes They felt like the same and like there's I Legitimately I thought that my audiobook had like skipped like a vinyl record because there was this line about A sin shared being Twice I don't know something about that like a sin And sharing it and it's it's obviously talking about sex and like that. He says that line and then like a little bit while later He says the exact same line again, and I'm like, yes, I get it. I fucking get it Use it again, but uh, one of my favorite things that someone has said about the book was someone uh in my uh, patron of my discord Um said despite the misogyny animal abuse and the creepy underage children crap It's truly the dialogue. I hate the most imagine your book is so bad that rape isn't the worst of it Yes That's yeah, I mean I just Like all things aside that I it's not funny. I don't like the writing style everything is super immature um the I Yeah, I'm not leaning into this dairy It's I can lean into some camp every once in a while, but this is way Too much book for me to lean in and actually like have fun with this It was dog shit from the jump Like the first page you were like, uh-oh I mean, I'm happy for I guess I'll say this so like for people Um telling me they love this book. I'm like, oh my god But if dairy is saying that she enjoys this book because she regards it as like campy Nonsense and is like enjoying it on that level that I'm not as terrified of the person expressing love for this book Like I don't quite see how you get that out of it And I don't fully buy that jacquero stop intends it to be read that way But if that's how you're reading it and that's how you're enjoying it, then I like I I guess I guess but like for people out here who are like empire of the vampire Is the most epic most amazing most engrossing most deep thinking Bloody brilliant work of epic fantasy and there are many many people the majority five stars are saying that like No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no I said, yeah, like I Too American. Yeah, probably it just it didn't None of it was funny to me Like none of the jokes are funny. None of the dialogue was witty It all felt childish to the point. I was like, who the fuck is this for like, why did why do people talk like this? And if it's gonna be a real Aussie Story, why not just set this why not do your world building and make this like an australian vampire like Because you know what that would be pretty unique We've seen french vampires done much much much much better. So like just do australian vampires and like go for it Yeah, I don't know. I don't get it Yeah, I will say other than a few people saying it's super Aussie like just go with it Everyone else is straight up praising this as if it was just like The pinnacle of fantasy when this came out and I don't I don't get that and still are Aussies were better than that. It was too edgy and not inventive I mean like okay speaking um as an expert being having never stepped foot in australia, and I think I've met an australian once um being the expert that I have my impression of australian humor and of australians and That is that it's quite chill and kind of laid back And this is the opposite of that in every way. This is not chill. This is not laid back This is like I have feelings and emotions and blood and sex and that Yeah, like just just quickly doing a quick scroll through good reads People are just even somebody to get almost gave it five stars at a bit too edgy and angsty To be an absolute favorite, but I loved the story and character so much I can't read it any lower and like that's how so many of these are of like Everyone's just praising how beautifully written it is and how epic it is And how fantastic it is and how well written it is And I don't understand I just don't so Mara wants to know would either of us ever read anything by j crestoff again no Because I tried to read never night Years ago and never night is better than this and oh my god. I was like I Never want to read this Like I I sampled never night. I heard a lot about it and I was like, yeah I'm good. Don't need to read that never night had a plot So at least and it seemed like it was going to and then it totally didn't and then I was like, oh you fooled me once shame on you I don't know why I'm reading a part of the vampire shame on me I mean, I would say I the only j crestoff book that I would read is if I were to reread illuminate, which is the the yaa Yeah space Evil ai mix media thing you co-wrote really weird, isn't it like literally on the pages, isn't it Like it's mixed media. So it's like you see like reports diagnostics. You see like Messages between crew members like it's a really interesting format and it's just it's that it's no like weird edgy sex stuff It's like a yaa book that he co-wrote with somebody. It's like a fun space adventure with a cool like Format concept. So like I would reread that But I would not read a new book by j crestoff unless it was like another illuminate book I mean for me, it's like because I watched Most of like his review or not his review his review was dog shit his interview with mike like when that happened and I was Kind of baffled at like how normal he is and then uh I've met him twice Which obviously like doesn't directly translate to books like brian lee derpy is a goofball on his channel But I love his writing. It's you would never expect it. So like I get that it's totally different I genuinely don't believe that j crestoff writing will ever work for me because it's probably more of this And I see a lot of like I love never night and this topped it and I hated The tiny bit that I read of never night and I hated The 300 pages that I read of this and none of it ever worked for me. So I would have no reason To read another j crestoff book unless I wanted to go in and be like this book's gonna be shit and that's just gonna read Reinforce my opinion. It's like Also, it's just so like never night like I also I mean I totally get why people didn't like it like like from go and like now You know having experienced more of j crestoff than like things that I was more willing to overlook or be like Oh, we'll just kind of go with it now. I'm like, yeah Actually, I've seen that this actually is I was giving it the benefit of the doubt on a lot of things yeah, and like It had a plot or seemed to have a plot It had a much more interesting kind of like narrative hook to be like I want to see what the answer to some of this is like I want to see where this goes Yeah, the footnotes thing while annoying for like a lot of readers It was like the way that he did insert a lot of humor where like instead of having your main characters say Like column your tits like you had like a kind of sass in the footnotes as like commentary on what's going on currently So I was like that's interesting format. That's a dynamic reading experience It seemed like world building was going on there and it seemed because I didn't know that well It seemed like he thought this through a lot because it seemed like there was a lot of world building in the footnotes like stories about the the lore like behind all these objects and all of these places and I was like I feel like there's a lot to this and like some of it's like very overwritten and like I was like It's a stylistic choice. Like it feels intentionally overwritten So I was like, okay, okay, I'll go with this and then it was clear and dark dawn that like he had no plan for this And it just became lots of like girl on girl, which I was already mostly kind of being like, there's a lot of this I don't okay, whatever and it was just that and there was no plot and the world completely crumbled and made no sense And it was clear that he didn't know the answers to his own mystery boxes and I was like Okay, so no Just kidding. None of this is for me And we ultimately like what matt was saying chat if he plays up for his audience I'm sure he does because I'm sure he has his audience that loves his books clearly writing it for them Clearly and then like I'm part of the vampire. So like never not like I said, I gave it benefit of the doubt I think it had actual merit even now. I would say like Okay, he didn't actually have the world building that he thought that I thought he did He was pulling it out of his ass But it's still I think was better like paced as a novel to get you hooked and to be like I want to see where this is going. There's a plot here. Like some of the humor was genuinely funny um, and it was also like 400 500 pages And empire the vampire was like way worse on the sex stuff way worse on the violence stuff Way worse on the overwritten. I think I'm so cool stuff and it's like nearly 800 pages And I was just like it's like everything that like never night was like And this was leaning into all the worst parts of that and I was like Or there's just because the book is twice as long there's just more More room for activities He just kept doing it I mean it did help that in never night Mia Corvair is not telling her own story Someone else is telling it. So when she's doing bloody and sexual things You do wonder why someone else knows about this and is telling you about it But she's not saying like don't ask me my story. Okay, fine. I'll tell you in lurid detail all of the sexy things I did in first like You know, it does make a difference That it's not I did this and I felt this and I'm telling you right now that I had this happen But I'll tell my story in my own way in my own time called blood patients I think it's clear that we did not like the book I think we could say that accurate But now this did not work for me in Anyway shape or form It was ridiculous It's bad. It was staggeringly ridiculous But again like as many times as he said fuck the thing that really annoyed me was the truth and the truth be told and the in truth that Because it's already a pet peeve to me like in other books that people have done this where like to make it sound old-timey I'm gonna end every sentence with like truth be told I'm just like that doesn't make it old-timey and in an 800 page book where it happens on every page It's a lot Huh, it was it was too much for me. Yes, this is going to be a series I'm sure but patience He's still writing it And yeah, the humor it's just it's it's monotonous Like some of these jokes. I think like because we were talking about this too like Individually like having a character say I think if God exists then God's a prick In everybody take a shot in a Joe Abercrombie book If a character would totally say something like that, but it would be really casual It wouldn't be this like edgy moment It would be where some some character some zealot is talking about God being the most important thing ever And then you'd have a Logan nine fingers type character be like well if God does exist I think he's a prick and just like there would be like an atrocity happening or like somebody would be talking shit And they get their head cut off and be like see like it would be that and it would be funny It would be dead fan and it would be open into the book being like Before anyone starts talking like this is what you need to know Like come on It's obnoxious. It's like how do you tell me that you're an edgelord without telling me that you're an edgelord This god guy. I've got some opinions Real asshole this one All right, if we're gonna keep talking I need to go pee. So I'll be Okay, go pee go pee So how shall I entertain the shall I tell the my story? Patience good people. I will tell it in my own time in my own way Emo hair flip for me or for alex I'm willing to count the egregious use of things for you to include the next time You have to refute refute the opinion of quality for empire the vampire I don't understand what you mean But yes, this is going to be a series publicity push for another one I mean, hopefully it won't be as insane as it was For this because I feel like I don't know the first books in series You know, they want to get you hooked in hype So the publisher will be like pushing it and then the assumption is that with uh sequels It's like the built-in audience that read the first one that were definitely so hooked by this first one that they're like Where is the follow-up? Where is the sequel? Uh, I definitely did not enjoy the book. So rest assured To speak truth Which I have been this whole evening Truth be told the book was dog shit Um Yeah, I'm really happy for you. I mean if you enjoyed it, you know, it's a really it's a really long book to hate So it was a long Long suffering over here Uh Getting to be Where you won't read any new fantasies until hype dies. Yeah, I get that I I feel like I'm pretty I'm just I'm just reading first law all the time and then occasionally like I resurface to see what else is good and I'm like, oh, there isn't anything as good as first law cool back to rewriting first law Um I mean, it's well this book. I feel like it because it became notorious about the hype because like even for For hype most books don't get multiple different arc editions like That is just a different level of I just yes and hob Although, you know, I I will say Oh my god It's a very good look. I wish you had a wig too But I will say okay, so hob blurb this and we have questions You know who didn't blurb this joe abber crombie because he has standards got him Truth be told I was very hydrated so I had to fucking pee we Mercy I was gonna say you should mercy for being given the opportunity to go and and we we Ah Geez, where were we? Oh, I didn't know Because I know pierra is like kind of friends with him Really? That's surprising that she didn't like it because I figured she would have loved it Yeah, because it's so Aussie that assumed It's super Aussie Whatever that means Can someone please as my voice dives deeper into the shithole of I don't even know what I'm saying anymore And to the abyss of dailess Ashfields guys pierra ford is a youtuber. She did um She kind of did an adaptation of never night, but like as a web series, but she's also just a booktuber. They're like talks about books Dude, assassin's quest is amazing I mean it is again a great relief to me dairy that the reason that you gave this five stars is that you interpret this as camp I simply cannot interpret it that way But I am glad that that's why you like it and not that you do think that it's like deep lore epic hob level fantasy because I would be so So concerned I'm gonna call out all the the old white dudes I have yet to see a single one of them say How Aussie and campy and stupid fun this book is no They're all dead ass serious that this is just really fucking cool And my voice sounds awful You sound tired of this my point stands I'm just tired of this bullshit You'd be more believably the beleaguered Uh weary killer in his cell and we're asking you to tell your life story and you're like Truth be told I don't give a fuck I don't Now let me tell you When I was 14 What happened with this girl I once knew It was really fucking bloody. I won't believe it unless you tell lurid details It's essential to understand who I am as a character and what will narratively happen later on in my tale of my own life for me to tell you specifics Yes No, it's just like on it like just that okay I would never like this book it would not make me like this book So I guess you shouldn't care what I think and you shouldn't make any changes for my sake because they won't really ultimately matter but like just the simple change of like Having the jailer be like tell me your life story and he's like I don't want to okay fine Dot dot dot and then we just like have the narrative start and just stay being the narrative And then have an interlude where we can have a conversation again between the jailer and the Person telling their own story But like having that intercut the whole time where like the entire book is in quotation marks To constantly remind me that he's supposedly saying this out loud to somebody right now is just like No yeah, man That people talk I really Someone in the chat that likes this book Please explain to me the Just the the full list of the fantastic characters That are in this book I would love to hear from someone in the chat And there was someone with a lion heart. Who was that? What's the French word for lion? Uh Leone Oh, that's it. Wait, is it Muffin meal? No, that's not it We Why is this itchy Something's poking me Yeah, it's because he's telling my story Because he spits hot fire. Yes Gabriel Gabriel. I like that comment. That's funny No one believes he's saying all this because no he was he's not It's dumb Or then give him a reason to be eager to tell his story because like both is like, all right I'm gonna tell you my story. Let's do it Whereas here, you know, I just I was talking about speaker of the dead What's that book? Isn't it? Yes, it's the sequel to Ender's game One of my other favorite books Good time that book is also a legendary masterpiece. I'm told Yes, probably the same demographic thinks it's legendary It's pretty accurate I don't I I don't know what else to say about this book. I hate it I didn't like it. Yeah, I feel like mostly I just have questions Why don't like the writing style? I don't like the characters I don't like the narrative structure. I don't like how childish it is I don't like how edgy it is You can tell me all day long how funny it is and to lean into it I didn't get that at all. I just constantly got this as an angry 14 year old trying to be cool um Yeah, I don't know. It's just uh I didn't like it Yeah But you didn't read the excellent five star half I didn't I just read the shitty one star half So it's your fault that you hate it Everyone's convinced that I secretly love it and I'm just humoring you so as soon as you laugh They're like, you know, you can tell us Liana that how you really feel about how much you actually truly love this book. Yeah so um Truth be told I did that Truth be told what the fuck is bob jones talking about wasn't that the The background comment. Isn't that your first comment in chat? Did I miss something am I crazy? Well, those are two separate questions. You are crazy, but that's not what the first thing I saw was the audible I said that's funny. I literally just said that And I was mad that I'd ignored his comments. That was the first one I saw and I thought it was funny Okay, but yeah, that's it. I have nothing else to say Yeah, dairy. Unfortunately, I I did not find any joy in this book I don't think liana found I did find joy in roasting it True. That's always fun Which we kind of anticipated going into it that it was going to lean this direction Even so, like I honestly did not expect to hate it as much as I did because I was like I don't think I'm gonna like this. I think this is gonna be bad and I was not prepared Yeah, it was real bad Didn't like it My lack of books. I'm like, do I have to do this all the time? Why is it people always make me do this? Listen, here's the issue with the setup folks, okay? When you come over this way Here's all the books. My desk is on this side. Here's me. Hello So when I do live chats All you get to see is this there's some books. See But see I film this way. I think you should just keep the camera on the bookshelf and be a disembodied voice Hello No, you're not showing us books. You're showing us football stuff. That's gonna disprove your booktuber even harder You definitely don't read Okay, fine here. I'll put on a red rising fruit. There you go. There's a book And then but I'm so fucking edgy right now being your name. It's perfect Exactly. It's pretty edgy to not be on camera. I think there's some books There's some it is a comfy chair. Mara. That's where I read My hat's in the way. This is this is terrible There's a dog. Hello, Loki Anyway, that's why That's why okay So, yes, he tried to copy empire not empire the vampire. That's okay So yeah, he legit in his interview was like so this book is if interview the vampire Met that name of the wind while game of the game of thrones in the background in the background Simultaneously Because I think he said consecutively not simultaneously And then he also had the audacity in that review to say I'm the guy that wrote me a fucking corvair that I'm just like Is that supposed to be an accolade sir? Get the fuck out of here Oh my god, it's not yes. I'm a cow is fan If you didn't already tell Sure, it means you're not a fake fan Well, like jimmy Fake a song of ice and fire fan Dude, my throat is fucked Kind of like Gabriel dilly-yong No, that was whatever his name Whoever was biting his penis Her throat was fucked not his because he What did his little death? My little death reading this because it's so funny guys It's so funny that he calls his calm his little death It's hilarious So like again, I'm very happy for you, but like the way this grown-ass man keeps writing lesbians having sex on page Is just concerning to me I have very little fun imagining that man writing those scenes Yeah, he's almost 50 He's getting a little weird Like maybe that's just me it started a little weird. That's it's a little weird I mean, it's also weird when like all of like the basically in his books If you're a female your options are whore or lesbian Those are the two in the sorting ceremony. They they let you choose and then the dudes are all Um, basically straight and then sodomy is referred to as a sin And then we very very liberal thinking gabriel's like actually I always thought it shouldn't matter to me Who you're fucking or who's cock you're gobbling because god is a prick and i'm so edgy and i got deep thoughts and you're like What a guy Oh my god He's a real one that lion see but but you see he didn't say le petit more piece because the only french words Are his name? We and merci Nothing else I mean, yes, we all know steven king is a weirdo And I literally just got done mentioning that in my last live chat that i was on before this Where steven king just goes off the rails and was like, hey I'm just gonna do some weird sex stuff now and i'm just like why steven king that doesn't belong here In fairness to steven king. He was on a lot of drugs Like i'm reading the dark tower and all of a sudden there's a demon that Just sexually assault somebody and i'm like yep Okay, this is why is this why is this a thing? Don't know No, i'm not defending that shit either Oh goodness Okay, fine Little death translates into an orgasm. Whatever It's weird, but then you should have like this was the time to use the french j christoff Why'd you drop the ball leave it french for this? Yeah Whatever I'm selling this i mean rob and hob Okay, like I don't think rob and hob feels the way you do dairy She wrote empire of the vampire is a wonderfully crafted tale the pieces as meticulously interlocked as fine would work You don't say that about intentional camp. Nope Certainly don't I haven't read never night, so I can't rest it other than the What I know happens in that book. I wonder if I like open to a random page. I'll find some nonsense If you'll find what some nonsense I'm sure you will truth be told truth be told truth be fucking told I just I just So dumb Yeah, let's do this. Oh I flipped open and it says I have forever boy truth told I've never tasted impossible like this just what is that? I don't know man Bad writing. Also, there's like a place called skyfall in it. So the entire time. I was like, is this a fucking james bond movie? You can't even come up with a different name Oh I Is bob james on crack I have this person's saying weird shit Anyway, I literally can't talk anymore. I have nothing left to say about this book. I don't like it It's bad. That's pretty much all there is to say about it Brilliant I'm happy for y'all to like it I call lanie taylor. What are you doing brilliant and unput downable with tenderness and light bound into the bitter dark of a grim and fascinating lanie Lain where is the tenderness late? Oh, yeah, I don't think these people think it's camp They don't see yeah They don't because it's not supposed to be It would be yeah, maybe they got there were so many different arcs of this book Maybe they all just got different stories. You got the really serious version of it where none of this happens I'm like, what are you guys talking about? It was excellent. He actually just sent them interview with a vampire Okay, well there you have it folks empire the vampire. It's not good This is really awesome. You didn't get it I can't I can't take this book seriously And not in a good way. I just I hate it I wish I hadn't read it. I didn't even finish it I was gonna say I actually read this fucking thing Yeah And it's it's your fault that I read it That was my fault yours and jimmy's idea jimmy's not here and you didn't finish it I'm the only one that actually read this book cover to cover. That's your fault I'm just smarter and I stopped 400 pages before you I'm just a dumb whore because in this morning ceremony. I didn't choose lesbians so Oh man Yep That's it. You find not funny thing. I'm just so relieved that you were laughing at this book So relieved that was the best part of this live is finding out because I did see that you gave this five stars Dairy when I went to give it one star and I was like Oh But I'm I'm very very very glad to hear why you gave it five stars. We can disagree about it, but yeah, I'm relieved And you are being given recommendations on soothing your throat What is that to do with a little death? No honey and lemon Good All right. Well That's that then Don't read it guys. Don't read it is The good word Truth be told Yeah, I'm gonna go drink some whiskey now And if you love me, please never use the phrase truth be told or in truth around me because they will trigger me Use it constantly. It's not a word in my bag as often as possible Oh, okay That's that's that then I hope everybody has a happy halloween I hope they spend that halloween doing something more fun than reading empire of the vampire Yeah, that's that then I think yeah, any final thoughts? Can't wait for book two Without reading book one, you'll just go right into book two. Well, you already spoiled it patience. Now. I know everything What I was gonna say for book two patience All right, bye