 I first recognized that something was wrong when I was about eight years old. And I had no words for that. And I kept telling people and telling my mother that something was wrong with me. And I wasn't listened to. And I didn't even know that there was such a word as depression. So I felt completely alone and that something was just wrong with me. And that was my diagnosis as a kid. At what age or what point in your life did you realize that this is what's happening to me? I now have a name for it. I was already a probation officer and was working with kids and families and was having a really difficult time in that job. There was a psychiatrist in our office for the kids and families and he actually confronted me one day and said, you're depressed and you really need to get out. By then I knew the word depression but I never applied it to myself. I have depression in cycles. As I've gotten older the cycles have become closer together. I've been through every treatment and I can think of. I've gotten to a place where it's all the same. There's no words rehashing the same territory and it doesn't make me feel better. I do want there to be purpose in my life. Not just cycling through without examining what's happening. Also I just want to feel better for longer periods without always feeling like I'm just about to fall into the next cycle. I've never heard the cycle aspect of depression that it comes in cycles like that. Is it like a couple of days? Is it several months? Is it weeks? It's several months. I don't mean I feel every day like I'm going to kill myself. I mean that I feel every day like I'm not doing the things that would actualize my life and that I'm too afraid and too down. Are you in a depression cycle right now? Yes. I let my house go, let myself go. I even stopped taking medications. I start to isolate myself and even just going outside is a big deal to me because I think I'm going to be walking at the lake or something and meeting people's eyes and feeling badly enough about myself to take and tell and I want to hide away and not be in public. It's constantly a source of shame for me. People assume that all the good stuff that you can do is somehow a cure for depression and I don't see the cure. You don't see any cure? Is that what you're saying? For myself I have not seen any cure. There are times when I'm feeling a lot better. That's gotten a lot harder to find those times sometimes and to hold on to it and maintain it. It's been really powerful to now have friends that I can talk about it with reaching out to me and suggesting lunches and all that good stuff and even more I appreciate you. You've been there with me on a level that no one else ever has and you've come to my rescue and I got really sick and that was more than anyone, you know. You are the main person in my life that makes me feel safe. I just wanted you to know that. Jeez Francine, you're going to make me tear up here. Well, I will always be there for you. Always.