 Hey, Abbott, what time is it? It's time for the Abbott and Costello show. We're on the air for ABC here in Hollywood. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go with the Abbott and Costello show. Yes, it's the Abbott and Costello show, produced and transcribed in Hollywood for your listening and laughing pleasure. Juckles with a carload and music by Maddie Malnick. So hold on to your chairs, folks, for here they are, but Abbott and Lou Costello. Well, that's about the time you got here. Where were you? Well, Abbott, I'm at all the crown heads of Hollywood today. Costello, there are no crown heads in Hollywood. Abbott, you never walked through a pickle line, have you? Tell me where you've been. Well, I was helping my uncle Mike with his new invention. He's invented a plane. It goes 5,000 miles an hour and goes to London in five minutes. Wait a minute. If it goes 5,000 miles an hour and goes to London in five minutes, how does it stop? Let London get a guy to work on that. Costello, your uncle Mike is as big a dope as you are. Oh, yeah, well, my uncle Mike is a smart man Abbott. For 10 years, he ran the Chase National Bank for the investors. He did? Yes, sir. And for the next 10 years, investors ran a national Chase for Uncle Mike. Has Uncle Mike ever been in jail, Lou? Yes. One time, he got so full of Christmas spirit that they threw him in jail for singing Christmas carols. Lots of people sing Christmas carols. On the 4th of July? I. Poor Uncle Mike. He's in the hospital. He's got a mule on his nose. Not a mule. You mean I'm old? No, not after the mule kicked him in the kisser. He's got a mule there. All right. Costello, what keeps you from being the biggest idiot in the world? I guess I'm too fat for my height. Oh, get him out of here. Across the street, having a beef stew. Well, how was it? Terrible. It had nothing in it but beef tongue and oxtails. Well, what's wrong with beef tongues and oxtail? Nothing. But who's getting all that stuff in between? Hey, Lou, why don't you come over to my house for dinner? We always have a crowd. My wife's dinners are talk of the town, and they're always informal. What do you mean informal? Well, we don't dress for our dinners. No wonder they're a talk of the town. Well, one thing, there's always plenty of meat in our house. Last time I was there, your wife gave me a rabbit stew on the next day. When I came over, your cat was missing. Just a minute. Are you trying to insinuate that my wife served you cat meat? All I know is every time I met a dog on a street, my back arches. My wife is a very particular cook. Her kitchen is immaculate. That's more than I can say about your Aunt May. Her kitchen is a disgrace. Her sink is filled with eggshells, her drawers in her kitchen cabinet are full of carrot tops and wilted lettuce. She's sloppy. She is not. That's her hobby. She collects garbage. You know, garbage is the same as antiques. Garbage is the same as antiques. Certainly, it's a collector's item, ain't it? Castelli, you must study to be an ignoramus. You couldn't be any dumber if you were twins. Oh, yes, I could. If I was twins, it'd be two of us, and we could help each other. Castelli, I don't know why I associate with you. I'm a college man, a fraternity man. See this? Five at a capper. Look at this. What's that? Half a can of tuna. Got trouble with this? You're illiterate. You spend your spare time. Why don't you spend your spare time reading, Lou? Trying to improve your mind. Take me. I read a lot. There's nothing to improve. You're thinking like a bookcase well stacked. Abbot, when I think of something well stacked, I ain't thinking of a bookcase. Castelli, man, would have to go a long way to meet a dope as stupid as you. Oh, no, you wouldn't. I'm willing to travel. I am. The trouble with you is you're an ignoramus. Do you know what an ignoramus is? Sure. And I like his partner, too. His partner? Ain't you ever heard of Ignoramus and Andy? No, no. That's a sample of your mentality. Castelli, you ought to see a psychiatrist. I went to one last week. He told me I got to split personality. I'm really two people, Abbot. You've got enough personality to split with 10 people. Just a minute. Don't laugh. Show me where it says that in the script. I never mind. Now, watch out, Abbot. You're getting me mad. I can hardly hold my temper in. It's kind of silly for you to hold your temper in when the rest of you has spread out all over the place. Are we both on the same page? I don't know where the page is. So here we are. The trouble with you is you can't read. You never went to school. I just saw I went to Colthill High School in Patterson, New Jersey. Well, wait a minute. When did you go to high school? September 11, 1935. You mean you only went one day? You mean you're supposed to go back? Now, Wendy, you're so stupid. I can't help it, Abbot. I led a very sad life. When I was a kid, my father used to beat me over the head with a baseball bat. My mother used to beat me over the head with a baseball bat. My brother Pat used to hit me over the head with a baseball bat. My uncle Mike used to hit me over the head with a baseball bat. My uncle Jimmy Culley used to hit me over the head with a baseball bat. My uncle Tom Zismas used to hit me over the head with a baseball bat. Everybody hit me over the head with a baseball bat. That was a terrible family. Yeah, but what a baseball team we had. You must have been a pretty tough kid to stay in all that abuse. I was pretty tough kid, Abbot. I belong to the toughest gang in Patterson. We were so tough that when we walked down Main Street and Market Street, even the sores backed up. Many of your old gang become successful, who? Oh, yes, they did. Did you ever hear Joe Buzzo? Yes. He went into business. He's making money hand over fist. Oh, no. You mean hand over fist? He's in a tire business, and in that business it's hand over fist. I remember Buzzo. You know, I seem to remember him. Wasn't he the kid that got lost in the woods? Yes. He was in the woods for five days, had nothing to eat but pine needles. Pine needles? Did they have any bad effect on him? Well, only when he got home his mother made him a big dish of spaghetti and a stomach knitted a pair of socks out of it. Well, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. Everybody in that gang, they all amounted to something but except you. I'm doing all right. But only yesterday MGM called me up and wanted to use me in a screen test, but I turned him down. You turned down a screen test? Why? They wanted to throw me a guess at it to see if it was strong. I ought to get to interview myself and get myself another partner. Who would work with you? Oh, I could work with a cow. Like, I could get lots of laughs. Oh, could you get a lot of laughs with a cow? You'd be surprised at the things I could pull on her. Hey, look, Castello is our secretary. Viola Vaughn. Oh, I feel so good tonight. Just a minute, Viola. I object the way you come in here every week and hug and kiss me. I don't hug and kiss you. I know. That's what I object to. Viola, you look lovely tonight. That's a beautiful dress you have on. You like it? It's made of jersey. It's a little tight around Patterson. Tied. It's a half and half dress. It's half cocktail and half dinner gown. Which half are you wearing? Have you heard from your folks since you've been out here? Oh, yes. I got a card this morning. They're driving out and last night they stopped a little place outside New Orleans called How's By You. How's By You? Fine. How's By You? Just keeps up. I'm going to turn my ice machine. What do you say? If this keeps up, I'm going to turn my ice machine business over to my brother Pat. Well, pay no attention to Viola. He's just jealous. I am not. Well, Mr. Abbott is right, Costello. I can see right through you. Well, it was a little warm today to wear a slip. Costello, you're not fooling anybody. Viola's getting wise of you. Last week was her birthday and you didn't even buy her a present. Well, I didn't really expect anybody. I think Costello's the type that gets cheap around Christmas time. Just a minute, Viola. That's a nasty thing to say. Costello gets cheap around Christmas time? Thanks, Abbott. Costello's just as cheap all the rest of the year. If the Plaster's Unionists listen and have Butt Abbott's overalls ready in the morning, Abbott will be back on a job. I'll cut it out, Costello. You're just jealous because Viola and I are more popular than you are. You're popular? Certainly. Haven't you noticed every week when I come to the broadcast, there's a mob outside that grabs me and asks me for my autograph? Sure, Butt Abbott. I'm asking you. Do you think it's worth it? What do you mean, is it worth it? Dressing up every Thursday like Dinah Shore. I... You see, Viola, he is jealous of our popularity. Go ahead, Viola. Tell him how popular you are. Well, I don't like to brag, Costello, but I was over at RKO yesterday and walked on a set and Carrie Grant kissed me three times. So what? I was over at MGM yesterday. I've been over the time my shoe and lassie licked my face. Costello, have you been showing Viola around Hollywood the way you promised? Sure. I took her to the Republic Studios. All the cowboys were there. Didn't we have fun, Viola? Oh, yes, Costello. It sure was funny when you ran in that dark closet to play post-office and that cowboy shoved his horse in with you. His horse? This is terrible. I'll see you later. Where are you going? Oh, where am I going? I've got to go over to that corral and get back my fraternity penny. You know, when Abbott and I heard a young singer in New York several weeks ago and we liked him very much and we brought him back to Hollywood to join our show and here he is and we hope you like him, too, Hal Winters. Because I don't want to say that I love to get you. I like to fool around with the sound effects every time I go over there and touch the stuff he hits me. Is that so? Yeah. Huh. You can't do that to my partner. Come on. We're going over there and we'll tell them. Now, there's the sound effects department Abbott. Go ahead. Well, fool around with anything you like. Thanks, Pat. Blow the whistles. Make a train. Oh, you're fooling around with my stuff again, eh? I certainly am. What? Abbott, if you don't stop fooling with this guy's stuff, he's going to knock your brains out. It's all my fault for listening to you. From now on, I'll take care of myself. I can stand up for my rights. So why don't you stand up for your rights with that guy? How could I? His left is kept knocking me down. Let's go back there, Abbott. Somebody's writing this wrong. Let's go back there, Abbott. I'll take care of you. I'm pretty tough. Here, feel my muscle. Go ahead and feel it. I can't feel anything but a red corpuscle. Yeah, but ain't it got a hard head? Kid, man, the guy's got muscle. I used to be a price fighter. I was one of the cleanest fighters in the ring. You should have. You should have been. They threw enough water on you. You've got to fight. I remember the last guy I fought, I hit him so hard that he hollered Uncle. Well, who are you fighting with? My little three-year-old nephew, Tony. Oh, so you can't fight and you can't act. In fact, none of your family has any talent. Just a minute. How about my cousin Vincent? He had a great voice, but he could only sing while taking a bath. They used to wheel him out on a stage in a bathtub. He'd sing while taking a bath, but they fired him after his first performance. Why? When the people started applauding, he forgot himself a stuff and took a bow. What is he doing now? Writing songs. You should hear his new song. He took a little of it from Irving Berlin, a little from Cold Porter, a little from Sigmund Runberg. What did he get? Three lawsuits. Forget about your cousin. Wait a minute. What's all that mail doing in your pockets? Abbott, that's my fan mail. Everybody in the country is talking about my great character, Sam Shovel. Here, I'll read one. Dear Lou Costello, I'm simply crazy about your Sam Shovel detective programs. Last week, as I sat listening to you show, you were so thrilling, I froze to my seat. I'm coming over tonight to see you. There's a guy out here to see you, Costello. What does he look like? He's a short man with a frozen seat. Come on, Costello. Let's get on with the show. What is your Sam Shovel case for tonight? It's one of my smaller cases, Abbott. In the case of the sailor who was shot while having headed Lamar and Lana turn his pictures on his chest, or he died with his buttes on. Sounds interesting. Let's do it. Okay. The makers of crummies, the breakfast food that dares to be different presents the adventures of Sam Shovel, a private detective. But first, a word about our product, crummies. Crummies is the only breakfast food that comes ready to serve. We put in the sugar, strawberries, milk, and cream right into the package. Look for it on your grocer's shelf in the large, soggy box. And crummies is fine for the youngsters. You can safely feed crummies to a two-year-old. Some of the well-known two-year-olds that eat crummies are Citation, Entrust, and Bazooka. Crummies is the only breakfast food that is shot from cannons. So, remember, when opening the package, stand back. Mark my words. No cereal is as good as crummies. You can put that in your pipe and smoke it. In fact, it tastes better if you put it in your pipe and smoke it. The adventures of Sam Shovel, private detective. Yes, I'm Sam Shovel, Sam Shovel private detective. I don't feel so good today. Last night, my fraternity invited me to a football dinner. That's the last time I'll eat football for dinner. I'm kind of tired, too. I travel all night. I rode the chief in from Albuquerque. Next time, I'm going to take a train. I was riding piggyback on an Indian's murder. I was down there trying to get a conviction on one of my cases. Maxi, the murderer. But he had a clever lawyer. I charged him with murder, but the jury whitewashed him. I charged him with larceny, but the jury whitewashed him. And I took him to a Turkish bath. I had to get all that whitewash off him. My correspondences piled up a way. Wow, a lot while I was away. I see a carbon copy of the letter I sent to Susan Roebuck for a pair of handcuffs. It reads, send handcuffs. If good, we'll send check. Then I pick up their answer. It reads, send check. If good, we'll send handcuffs. That reminds me, I may get cold on another case. I think I'll clean my Remington before I put it back in my pocket. Someday I'm going to buy a gun. I get tired carrying a typewriter in my pocket. Suddenly I look up there on the wall of my office as an oil painting. I bought it last year. It's pretty. Well, it's a lot of trouble. Every day I got to oil it. I glance across the court. The beautiful sonographer in the insurance office is just coming to work. She's punching the time clock. I punched her back. I pick up the morning paper on the front page. There's a picture of John L. Lewis. John L. Lewis on the front page. I study his face. I'm trying to figure which eyebrow has the Tony. Looks like another slow day for the detective business. As I sit here in my little office, I'm unhappy. I'm down in the dumps. Whenever I'm in this office, I feel down in the dumps. That's not strange. My office is located at the dumps. Across from my office is a stationary store. There's no sign on it, but I'm sure it's a stationary store. I've been watching it for two years. It hasn't moved an inch. I just remember last week my pal, Lieutenant Abbott, invited me to dinner and I must send his wife a bread and butter note. That's a sloppy job. There's nothing I hate worse than writing on bread and butter. I glance out at the window in the parking lot. I'm ready to move my car again to let another one out. I hope the owner moves it, not the reckless attendant. Goodness, the owner moved it. I notice my pal, Lieutenant Abbott, in the homicide squad coming this way. He's a regular bloodhound. When he's after a crook, he can smell a trail. In fact, he smells anyplace. One thing about Lieutenant Abbott, he speaks straight from the shoulder. He's got to. That's where his mouth is. Just then, Lieutenant Abbott walks into the office. Hello, same trouble. I just had the most sensational lunch. What a meal. I ordered pork chops, bacon, fried ham, pig's knuckle. When Lieutenant Abbott eats, he goes hogwile. A cop has got to keep his strength up, Sam. I never know when I'll get in a fight. Lieutenant Abbott is right. One thing I'll say for him, he never ran away from a fight. He always takes a taxi. Sam, I'm happy today. I'm feeling pretty chipper. I'm really chipper. Lieutenant Abbott is not lying. Nobody is chipper than he is. Man, I ever met. He lives at the Fiddle Hotel. It's a violin. The rooms are up dollar a night and up. If you get a room for a dollar, you're up all night. I thought I'd write something moving. The sound came from that bureau. We crossed the office to the bureau and started opening the drawers. It's my bureau of missing persons. Speaking of missing persons, Sam, what happened to that crooked musician you were trailing? Lieutenant Abbott was referring to Matty Banjo-Head Malnick, the leader of one of the crookedest bands in this country. Sam, how can you say that? Matty's boys are all artists. They must be artists. I know they're not musicians. Lieutenant, when Matty Banjo-Head Malnick heard I was after him, he took it on the lamb. That was three weeks ago. Hiya, Sam Shovel. He's still on that lamb. Sam, you gotta help me. That Bergman gang is trying to shake me down for $10,000. And I'm afraid I'll have to pay through the nose. Did you have to pay through the nose? That's where I keep my money. What a clever crook that Malnick is. When he needs money, he don't have to blow a safe. He just blows his nose. Just look at it. I'd like to have his nose full of Canadian nickels. Now, you'll have to get out of here. Sam and I are talking business. I'll go, but first I want to give Sam this batch of cookies I baked for him. Here, Sam, they're your favorite kind. Policeman cookies. Policeman cookies. Sure, ain't you never heard of cop cakes? He's got good writers but me. I'm gonna have to start paying next week. That Malnick is a very clever boy. He ought to go over to the Eagle Laundry and put his head in with the flatwork. Now, never mind him, Sam. Hey, look who's coming across the street. It's two-gun Gertie. Two-gun Gertie, the gorgeous gunman. Once I asked her to marry me, but she refused. She's too class-conscious. Gertie is class-conscious? I ain't got no class, and she's conscious of it. Just as I finished making this clever remark, the door burst open and Gertie entered my office. Sam, Sam shovel my darling. Oh, Sam, you gotta help me. What's up, Gert? The cops are after me. They think I'm hiding something. They think I've got it on me. You may have it on you, but you sure ain't hiding anything. Careful, Sam. She's up to something. Oh, Sam, you gotta help me. If you do, I'll be your slave. I'll cook for you. I'll bake for you. I'll-I'll-I'll sew for you. I'll- Keep going, Gert. You're bound to hit something I like. Come here. I'm gonna let you kiss me. Sam shovel. Where are your manners? Where are your manners? How dare you kiss this gunman right before me? Wait your turn, Lieutenant. I'll kiss you next. Sam, why don't we start going steady again? We could be so happy. Look out the window, Sam. See those two love birds in that tree? Yes. Why can't we be like them and do what they're doing? Okay, but I don't think the branches will hold us. Sam, this is ridiculous. You're like a cop and she's a crook. She's not for you. Ah, keep out of this flat foot. I'll prove to Sam that I'm the girl for him. I'll give him a kiss that'll bust the buttons off his vest. That-that I'd like to see. Come here, Sam. Sam. Sam shovel. Say something. Has any lady in the audience got needle in the thread? You'd better say thanks to this lovely audience in the studio and to all the swell people who are listening and not at home. Thanks for listening, folks. And I would like to thank the people that help us bring you this show every Thursday night. Our writing staff is headed by Eddie Forman with Paul Collin, Pat Costello, Martin Ragaway, and Leonard Stern. And thanks to Maddie Malnick and all his boys and our vocalist, Hal Winters. And thanks also to our producer, Charles Vander. We'll be back again at the same time next Thursday. Good night, folks. Good night to everybody in Tennessee. Good night. Listen, 8.30 tonight at this time to another great amateur Costello show, produced and transcribed in Hollywood. Be sure to stay tuned for the outstanding entertainment which follows throughout the evening on this ABC station.