 Have you ever had a man go silent on you? How did it feel when that happened? How did it feel for someone who you've been in relationship, you've been communicating with, and all of a sudden, for whatever reason, you're not hearing from them? Does that create anxiety inside of you? Does that create unease? Does that create frustration? Does that even create anger? Well, it's quite possible that you have experienced separation anxiety. And guess what? This isn't singular to women. This is true for men and women alike. Now I want to share with you, I got the idea for this broadcast today from one of my contemporaries, Mindful Attraction, Alex. And I thought I'd share some thoughts that I had based on his video of the same title. Now he did discuss separation anxiety, and I want to just bring that to the forefront before I get into the meat and potatoes of what I have to share. But separation anxiety disorder, or SAD, is one of the most common childhood anxiety disorders. SAD is an exaggeration of an otherwise developed, developmental, God, I'm having a tongue-tied. Typical anxiety manifested by excessive concern, worry, or even dread of the actual or anticipation separation from an attached figure. So what that basically means is a little child in your crib, when your mother or father walks away and you feel alone, you feel a separation, it can cause anxiety within you. In fact, if you're not familiar with love attachment, which I'm gonna grab the book right now, the book attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, I highly recommend reading this book to get an understanding of anxious attachment style and avoidant attachment style. That's right, anxious attachment style and avoidant attachment style. So for those of us who are anxious, and by the way, I'm in the anxious category, and I believe this, I did some deep dive into healing of what may have caused this, and there was a moment, I remember when I was about three years old, where my mother left me while I was at a ski resort, and I felt so alone. I mean, I have vivid memory of just crying and feeling so alone and feeling abandoned. And in that moment, my world had collapsed. I was literally scared to death. Some 50 years later, I talked to my mother about it and I brought up the ski trip, and I said, do you remember when you abandoned me while we were at the ski trip? And she goes, what do you mean I abandoned you? I go, I was off, doing a little bit of snow plow and stuff like that. And she goes, I was 10 feet away. The irony, as a child, my view of the world was probably only 10 or 15 feet at that time in my life, and I felt abandoned. So what did that manifest in me as an adult? An anxious attachment style. I highly recommend reading this book to understand what may cause you to be in fight or flight when you're feeling separation, when you're feeling abandonment. And this is true for men and women alike. Now, if you read the book, The Rules, and I'm bringing a copy of this, I'm embarrassed to share this book publicly, but The Book, The Rules is all about game playing and using silence as a way to trigger a man's unhealthy response, and others to create that anxiety within a man by going silent. But I'm here to say that's a temporary solution to a problem. That might briefly create the type of result you want, and quite frankly, that's controlling and manipulative. Now, coming back to attachment style, you must understand that if you're with an anxious attachment style like myself, that silence is going to trigger this anxiety and this need to wanna fix the situation very quickly. And what happens is in that circumstance, a person can get very needy in this dynamic, okay? The tricky part of using this manipulative tool like discussed in the book, The Rules, is by playing the game of silence with an avoidant attachment style, what happens to that person from childhood is they retreat from within, they retreat within, they retreat within. In other words, that means is they literally go silent themselves because they're having an inner turmoil going on when you've gone silent, and all that does is push that person away. So if you use silence as a manipulative tool with an anxious person, that'll make them come running towards you and then you will feel overwhelmed, you'll feel exhausted, you'll feel too much a measurement. If you did it to an avoidant attachment style person, that silence will cause that person to retreat and be silent towards you. So I think it's important to understand human behavior to understand these dynamics by first understanding your own love attachment style as discussed in the book attached. I'm gonna put it up one more time. But also I invite you to do the work of the Hoffman process, the Hoffman process. This is a deep dive into healing childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas that cause you to be unregulated in your life. You know, human beings are rather unregulated, well, unregulated with their emotions. In fact, it's one of the reasons why I wrote my book, What the Heck Is Self Love? Anyway, A Journey of Personal Development, Self-Help and Spiritual Work. And by the way, in the link below is all the books I recommend in the link below. Okay, I wanna really encourage all of you to start doing some work, reading these books so you can understand your own experiences. And the Hoffman process is a great book to do a deep dive into healing childhood wounds and traumas. So how does this relate in dating, mating or relating? I think it's important to recognize that, well, I wanna dive into for a second what Tony Robbins talks about is the six basic human needs. The six basic human needs. And I wanna lean into this for a second because silence can actually be a benefit to you. So first human need is a certainty. We need a level of certainty. I need to know that if I drop this piece of paper, it will fall to the ground or my life, my concept of the world will probably change, okay? That's an example of certainty. And in relationship, we need to know that we can count on people. What's also a basic human need is uncertainty or variety. Uncertainty or variety. I'm gonna talk about that in a moment but I wanna go through the balance of the list. We also need in our lives, it's a human need to feel significant. I suspect you need to have that feeling of significance in your romantic relationship and the man you're with needs a sense of significance for him to lean into your romantic relationship. In addition, we need connection and love. That's an important need. It's one of the reasons why many of us want a life partner and I'm blessed to have found someone. There's a picture of Marie and I where we're in Las Vegas. I'm very blessed. This journey to attracting a soul to a life partner, if you will, took me quite a few years. I utilize the work I do in my private coaching. By the way, there's a link right here to schedule a discovery call with me. It's also in the description below. I use the work that I'm proof of my own pudding, okay, doing this work because the reality is is folks life is better with company and dating sucks. I mean, dating really is almost a brutal assault to our emotional wellbeing. It can be. Dating can be a brutal assault to our emotional wellbeing because the fact of the matter is, is we have a dysfunctional population who's actively in the dating marketplace and their capacity to be in relationship is merely to be what I call a spender and a spender is someone who all they wanna do is spend time with you. They want companionship. They want connection. They want sex, but they don't have that capacity for deeper commitment. So playing these silent games, playing the games will temporarily work temporarily, but it will also be a detriment in your relationship if you play these games. I'm only leaning into this conversation so you can understand why based on that separation anxiety that we all humans feel when someone goes silent on you to finish the six basic human needs is the need for growth and the need for contribution being a contributing to the world, growing emotionally. But I wanna go back to the second human need uncertainty. It keeps us on our toes. So let me share with you something happened with my sweetheart and I. So about a week or so ago, she was on the phone talking to her friend of hers. And it was interesting, I was sitting next to her and she got up, left and went into the bedroom and closed the door. And I had this weird reaction. Why is she closing the door? Is she like, I went into this fear. I went into this panic mode, you know? And quite frankly, it was benign, you know, the reason behind it. She just wanted a little bit of privacy because the person she's speaking to my little privacy, but it activated my stuff that goes back to my childhood where I felt abandoned. Does this make me a weak human being? No, it makes me a human being. And if this happens to you, you are just human when this happens to you. The fact of the matter is what relationships need is real true direct honest communication. I'm talking about being vulnerable. I'm talking about being authentic. I'm talking about being transparent. Honest communication and a balance is needed. And yet many of you find yourself stifled in your voice. You're literally have duct tape over your mouth, fearful of speaking up to a man. And more importantly, being direct when you speak up. When I'm, why I'm leaning into this being direct when you speak up and being fearful of speaking up is because many of you are afraid you'll lose someone by not speaking your truth. And I'm here to say, if your relationship is going to progress into what I lovingly called the juicy, delicious, healthy, happy relationship, it's gonna start with a foundation of honest communication with one another. And believe me, communication, most humans have terrible communication skills. This is why I wanna introduce you to a new book today because this relates to the conversation. The book is called Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson. And why I'm recommending this book is anyone read this book before? It helps you understand that anxious and avoidant attachment style. And it also, the subtitle of the book, seven conversations for a lifetime of love. Many of you don't know where to begin these conversations. These books I recommend are great assets to begin to implement them. And if you're afraid it's gonna scare the guy away, I just want you to know. If it's sincere and from the heart you can't really say the wrong thing to the right person. And using silence is not a healthy way to approach. And at the same time, we need that little bit of, that when my girlfriend went to the bedroom to speak and it created a little anxiety and I talked her about it. And we had a nice little laugh over what happened. I had a nice little laugh. By the way, someone's asking what book was it? The book is called Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson. Again, it's in the books I recommend. Okay, if you need some support with that just go to Jonathan recommend books. It's the link is in the description below. When I come back to that sense of variety, that sense of uncertainty that happened with my girlfriend not only created a conversation for us, but it also kept me on my toes to remember that this is a relationship of something that I value that I'm grateful for and is a reminder not to take things for granted. And sometimes these little bits of hiccups, these little bits of silence, if you will, actually can keep us on our toes if we're an emotional grownup. If you are dealing with a dysfunctional human being, if you're dealing with someone who has terrible relationship skills, all it will do is aggravate your relationship, especially if you're an avoidant attachment style. Honest and sincere communication is how you bridge the gap, understanding all of the work I've just talked about to help you better prepare for a relationship. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know if it is. Please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel. And again, all the links in the description below. Schedule a discovery call with me, join my group. Follow me on Instagram and all the recommended readings that I have as well. All right, for those who know my format, if you have a question, write the word question then post the question there after or you can purchase a Super Sticker Super Chat. All of the monies from the Super Sticker Super Chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's a picture of him right there in the Obey shirt. That's with his brother. He's my son who passed away almost five years ago. And in his honor, I donate to causes like the Hoffman process and Inside Institute, just to name a few. So if you'd like to donate within your Super Sticker or if you're watching the replay, you can do a Super Thanks as well. All right, let's see what kind of comments we have. If you have a question, post the question. Someone just said, I finally did the software update on my phone and now I see he has me on silent mode. That explains why my text messages goes unread for hours. I haven't responded back, feels shady and sneaky. Folks, in circumstances like this, I would have a sincere, honest conversation. Folks, if you're having regular sex with someone, you have every right to ask whatever you want of this person. A little bit of dust floating by. You have every right to ask whatever you want of this person. Instead of maybe this game playing he's playing, be upfront, talk about it. But I wouldn't play into his games. All right, that's just my quick thoughts on that. Let's go swimming. If you have a question, post a question. Everybody's saying good evening to me. Looks like we have a bashful group tonight. If we don't have any questions, we're gonna wrap up rather early. I hope this content is of value to you. I hope this is bringing you some awareness into doing your own individual work, doing that individual work that is so beneficial to attracting a desired mate. Oh, good, we do have a question. I'm waiting for questions. All right, question. How do you get a man to communicate when shuts down? How do you get a man to communicate when shuts down? But first off, it's gonna be difficult to get someone to communicate when they've shut down. My question to you is, are you in a romantic relationship where you've had regular sex together? Have you discussed monogamy? Have you discussed exclusivity? Okay, now understand that avoidant personalities oftentimes need a cooling off period. They shut down, very common. My mother used to do this and believe me, that created a tremendous amount of anxiety for me. I recognized her pattern was 72 hours. So it's interesting as I met a woman after my divorce who also had that same pattern, but she was a 36 hour person who would shut down. Usually when the ice forms around a person, they need a melting off period, 36 hours, 72 hours. If it's more than 72 hours, I'd have a real serious conversation. Look, I recognize you've shut down emotionally. And what's important to me is true intimacy and a relationship beyond the physical. And if there's something bothering you about our relationship, I'd rather we speak up about it. If you are shutting down because you're dealing with something outside of our relationship, I understand that and can support that. I understand that your method of dealing with things might be to shut down. However, if it's regarding our relationship, I require transparency. If you ever want your penis to go back inside my vagina, ba dum bum, I'm saying that tongue in sheet. But I would create, I would have an open, honest dialogue about him, Regina. And I hope that helps. All right, Zoe Smith writes, question. Is there any, hi, Jonathan, she says, is there any reason you don't discuss the fearful or disorganized avoidant? They do look different than the other types. I'm one of those. Okay, my limited experience on the disorganized avoidant or fearful avoidant. You know, I'm not equipped to actually dive into that very much, that deeply into it. It's why I recommend the two books I've recommended tonight. I definitely recommend Amir Levine's book, Attached. For those, this is a deeper dive into understanding maybe your own behavior, like in your case, but I will say this. Most every human being is wounded to some degree. They have either an anxious or an avoidant type of love attachment style. Here's the thing. If they're on the extreme ends, you can see that their patterns in past relationships probably indicate that they don't have stability in their relationships. People that actually have, let me just say this, people that have good relationships with previous partners have probably moved towards a more secure attachment style for themselves. That's not an absolute. That's just my projection on this part, but I would highly recommend reading those books to do your own work, okay? So thank you for that question. I wanna thank Bella for the $4.99 super sticker, big hugs, thank you so much, VR rights, question. Would you say if you go into a dating with abundance mindset, it doesn't have to be a miserable process? Plus if it's the wrong guy, chalk it up to practice? Well, so I have a philosophy for all you ladies. I'd like you to practice the following. It's raining great man, it's raining great man, it's raining great man. Yes, a more positive attitude will do a heck of a lot more than a jaded attitude or a bitter attitude, which I see in so many women out in the dating marketplace, they have a bitter or jaded attitude. Okay, let me give you an example of this. I remember when I first started dating after my divorce, I noticed a pattern with those recently divorced women, okay? These are women that were angry at their ex. I mean, really angry at their ex for whatever reason. And they had began the dating process and they went from one man to the next man to the next man. And I could go on a date with this person and I could literally be sitting down in front of, they're in front of me, they're sitting across from me at a restaurant or at a bar and I could see every man that's ever hurt her standing right behind her. That's the energy she put out. That is a bitter, jaded, angry energy and we pick up on that. So coming back to your question, yes, everything is a learning experience. Folks, I want you to write this down. Look at all your past relationships and ask yourself, what positive things did I learn about myself in each experience? What was good about each experience? And more importantly, what am I grateful for? So you can even have a first date experience that doesn't go, well, chalk it up to, what did I learn about myself from a non-entitled place, from a non-egoic place? What am I grateful for and what was good? Hope that helps VR, great question. Marie says, we talk for about an hour, say our goodbyes, I return 30 minutes later, I see him online, but suddenly disappears or seemingly inactive status. Why does he hide? Okay, folks, let's just clear the air on this one. It is very common for people to go on a first date with someone and when they get home, go back on to the dating apps. There is an addictive nature to the dating apps. There's an addictive nature to that feeling of significance. Remember I talked about Tony Robbins, six basic human needs, the third basic human needs is significant. When we put ourselves on the dating app and then we get attention, we feel important. Doesn't make them bad person. I did it, I did it. Even when I met Marie, I was still on the dating apps for a few weeks while we began exploring a relationship. First it was an addictive nature, but also that feeling of significance feels addictive as well. So it's not a bad thing that he does it. Now, could it mean that he's flirting with other women? Sure, until you're in a fully committed relationship and you listen, this is why ladies, before the penis goes inside the vagina, I highly recommend using my dating vows, okay? My dating vows, okay? If you wanna copy of my dating vows, I'm gonna read it out loud to you all. And there's a link in the description below. Have you ever heard the saying, women are the gatekeepers of sex and men are the gatekeepers of commitment? Before you explore a relationship or before you give your heart or before you have sex, you agree each to the following. I agree to explore the process of getting to know you with the intent to declare something serious within the next three to six months. I agree to be monogamous sexually while we're having regular sex together. The only reason why you have to say regular sex is you could have one time sex with someone and never see them again. The monogamy is that if you're having repeated sex, they're not sleeping with other people. The third agreement, I agree to not actively seek to meet and date others while we're in the dating process, including taking down my dating profile, dating down our dating profiles. Number four, I agree to speak up if this isn't working for me versus pulling back, ghosting or disappearing. And finally, I agree to invest regular time in the process of getting to know you, which looks like spending two, three, four days, nights, week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interest, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building skills, both in our personal, our professional life, intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy that leads to either moving in together, getting married. 90% of guys will bail on this. You're only, that's only because 90% of the guys aren't serious, they just want hookups. So that's my invitation for you. Thank you for that question. I appreciate you mentioning that, I appreciate it. Okay, question from Charlie. Why do men you've dated insist on staying in your life? My ex from college whom I never had sex with and is currently married insists on staying in my life. I don't understand the why. You are someone that's familiar to him and that's someone that feels somewhat safe to him. It's a scary world out there in the dating realm. It is a scary world. So when we've connected with someone, we feel a sense of safety, emotional safety. Now I've used an analogy before, I think of my son Colin, that's a picture of him right there. I'm gonna give you a crude analogy, okay? So some years back he wanted to get a video game and it was one of those you had to wait till midnight before the store started to sell the game. It was like 12.01 I should say, okay? So we wait in line seven, eight, nine hours. I can't remember like the line ended up being like 14 football fields long. We were the first 20 or 30 people. He got the video game, halo. I remember he played it, played it, played it. Still a few months later, dad, there's a new video game that came out called Duke Nukem. Duke Nukem I think it was, or Nuke Nukem. Anyways, so he got that. I said, what happened to Halo? He goes, yeah, I can go play it whenever I want. See, unfortunately when we put someone up on a shelf we have this belief system that they'll always be there for us, just like my son's video game. That's because in some cases we treat people as commodities and not something that we cherish or value. Why do they wanna stay in your life? Because it's something familiar and sometimes it's because it's easy to get it off the shelf if we make it easy for them. Folks, I'm here to say, by the way, I'm a big proponent of having healthy relationships with people in your past, okay? But if they're not operating in a healthy way you have every right to block that person or put them on silent as a way and then revisit them when it feels right for you. That's my invitation for you, Charlie. So thank you so much. Negative affirmations wrote, I used to be a fearful avoidant and I'm now secure Google Patrick Tien therapy. You're welcome. Fearful avoidance comes from being abused in your childhood generally. Now I wasn't aware of where actually the root comes from, but certainly I recommend doing the work yourself to heal from within. So great, thanks for your post. Caitlin Ramere writes, I can't pronounce your last question. Hell, how to explain to a man we are not on the same page, emotionally vulnerable, emotionally mature. Five years, I'm 35. I know I'm done working on it exit but how do I leave nicely? You know, I would start with expressing what you're grateful for in the relationship. Start with what you're grateful for in the relationship. Express your desire that this relationship doesn't meet your needs, doesn't meet your needs and you're going to exit the relationship and then end with a kind, considerate, sincere compliment or gratitude for this person that's been in your life. Start with something positive, give the meat and end with something. When I say positive, end with some sort of appreciation at the end and see how that goes. Folks, sometimes it's just the bravery to do it that matters, Caitlin. That's all that really matters is the bravery to have the conversation. Folks, we get, if we're lucky, 100 years on this planet, make the most of it every single day. Don't invest in people that aren't investing in you. Caitlin, thank you so much. Odella writes, Odetti, question. I've been talking to a man for a month now every day. We have a lot in common. One shared video call. Do I leave it to him to ask me to meet in person? It's going great so far. Look it, I'm a big proponent. Say, look, I appreciate this time getting to know you. However, and I'm assumed there's distance involved because folks, if you live within an hour drive to one another, don't spend one month every day talking, meet within a quick period of time. Don't have these incessant communications. If there's distance involved, say, look, I'd love to continue this relationship in person. I don't feel comfortable continuing a cyber relationship. And if you'd like to meet in person, I'm up for it. And we can make arrangements on how that best would work for us. Odetti, that's my best quick hit on that one. Good luck on that. Ah, Janie says, question. I ended an unhappy 38 year marriage about two years ago. My ex had many narcissistic characteristics. I suffered much emotionally, emotional abuse. How do I know I'm ready to date? Most of us are so dysfunctional, we're not ready to date, okay? What I mean to say is sometimes what's most important is that your capacity to commit to one another, by the way. Well, there's four elements to relationship readiness. First is doing inner work to heal from your past. Sounds like you have a lot of healing to do from your past, okay? Number two is learning what's truly, who's truly compatible with you and how to vet for compatibility. That's where you check out, folks. This is my area of expertise, is to really help you to determine who's right for you, not who's your type, who's right for you and how to vet for that, particularly the emotional maturity. The third piece is learning attraction and flirting skills. Folks, you have to be seen to be asked out. Putting your best presentation of yourself is most important. And then lastly, learning how to be in a healthy, happy relationship. I highly recommend reading this book. Forget the word marriage. Seven principles for making a relationship work. Read this so you understand the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship, okay? Hope that helps. Thank you so much. Emergency potato chips writes questions. Does it mean anything when a man gives you compliments all the time but hates and refuses receiving them? It means that he has difficulty receiving. Most people, a lot of human beings have a real hard time receiving. That's saying it's better to give than to receive. Human beings have a hard time receiving. So that's not, what did you say? Does it mean anything? It means he's human. That's what it means. Okay, let's see. Oops, let's keep going. Bump, bump, bump, bump, bump. Zoe says, thank you so much for that and you as well. Thank you so much. I appreciate that. Caitlin says the same thing. Thank you, thank you. Can't even tell you how helpful. Glad to hear. Um, Jojica says having the right person gives you the confidence to do it again. That certainly does help. Okay, star of life writes question. He makes the effort to see me when he can but only stays for 30 minutes at most of the time. Then he has to leave for work. Should I continue this relationship or is waste of time? Folks, let me tell you something. This is just me. Okay, this is just me. Marie lived 1800 miles away. I said, look, I only want to explore this relationship if we are going to be in the same zip code. And so we talked for a few months while we were exploring this and thankfully she has a lifestyle was conducive to moving here. I didn't want a part-time relationship of 30 minutes at his beck and, you know, call. Not the kind of relationship I want. I want to do social activities. I want to do hobbies. I want to do mutual interests. I want to spend time with family and friends. I want to travel together. That's just me. You have to decide what you want. Maybe if 30 minutes is enough for you then go for it star of life. But I'm going to tell you that's a very weak relationship. And can you really count on a person to be there for you when you're going through chemotherapy and you need someone to wipe the vomit off your face? True love is about being with somebody during the tough times, not a quicky 30 minutes session. Anyway, and I hope it's not sex. I hope it's not sex for 30 minutes because then you are just being used as a booty call. All right, I hope that help. Janine says, thank you so much. J9, thank you so much. Ah, I hope you found value in our conversations tonight. I've been really honored to be able to do what I do for a living. I'm in a position where I espouse my opinion, the world according to Jonathan. Listen, I'm not here to say I'm right. I'm just here to offer some perspective and hopefully open up some of your consciousness to doing things in a more productive, effective way in your life. And I hope I bring that to you. And I hope this conversation did that for you. Well, it looks like we don't have any more questions coming in. So I think this might be a good place to wrap up today. I think it's time to spend time with my sweetheart. Everyone, go read the books I recommend, the list of below, I highly recommend reading the books so you can heal from within, so you can be better prepared and ready for a significant relationship for when that time is right. All right, I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big, gigantic, Jonathan Bear hug of self-love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, Pat, a teddy bear pillow, and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we can all use more love in our lives. I wanna thank Caitlin and Oz woman ID, emergency potato chips, Janine, Johica, Star of Life, Zoe, Lily, Rojita, Janet, and all, thank you so much. Have a fab evening, be well. Bye now.