 It's weapon time. Madam webs in theaters. I saw it because I hate myself on Valentine's Day. How sad and now I'm gonna do a review on it also on Valentine's Day because again the hate and the sadness Let's get started Hey, if you think the Sony spider-man universe that doesn't have spider-man and it is absolute garbage like I do Feel free to subscribe to the channel because I'm gonna be doing an epic rant on Sony and these miserable films They're churning out in just a day or two. This is gonna be a spoiler-free review spoiler though It sucks hit the notification bell Subscribe do all that stuff and you can hear my thoughts in their entirety, but for now. Let's just give vague Criticisms in an overview for you. I saw exactly one trailer for this film ahead of time over and over again I think they only made one trailer for it because they know it's a pile of shit Billy Eilish's song plays over the top because it's in 14 other movie trailers So it might as well keep that trend going It looked terrible. It looked like a hot steaming pile of crap And so I went in with the lowest of low expectations, which oftentimes works at the film's benefit When you go into a movie with the bottom of the barrel Expectations the only place to go is up and much like life did in Jurassic Park Madam Webb found a way to go even further down to dig through the bottom of that barrel Into the earth's crust and right to the core the worst possible place you could be and that's where the expectations lie Did I did I lose you with the analogy because I lost myself? Let's talk about this thing though. We have a bunch of good-looking actresses Not being utilized in the slightest try as they might have to get people interested in the sex appeal of the film by putting On really skimpy see-through dresses where the girls are pushed up out for the weekend That was the only good thing about this film and that wasn't even in the film the movie manages to De-sexualize the women give them no personalities Put them in their superhero outfits for 10 seconds Like that's not a spoiler. That's just a warning. You will not see these women as superheroes in this film It's an origin story all the way to the credits That's when the movie kicks in when it's done and at that point you are not going to give two shits because this thing is a Boring waste of time it feels like a film that was made in the 90s when they were first learning how to do superhero films But they didn't have a budget. They didn't have a good script chat GPT tried to get the script right it tried to make dialogue that had sense to it But nothing does Nothing adds up this editing which I also think was done by AI because any human that looked at this would go Yeah, these scenes don't really match up. Well from shot-to-shot stuff is wildly Inconsistent the CG the effects in this movie Atrociously bad Comically bad and that is the only pro I will give this thing out of the million cons It is really fun to laugh at from time to time In fact, I had some audible chuckles during this movie when it was supposed to be taken serious because there's no heart in this There's no passion in this Dakota Johnson looks dead inside. She has dead eyes throughout the whole movie I'm not sure she was there now Dakota Johnson's a nepo baby her parents are both celebrities. I'm not convinced She's a good actress or that she really made her own way into Hollywood I've only seen her in the 50 shades of gray movies. Those are fucking terrible And she doesn't care what I have to say. She's got tons of money. She gets to do whatever she wants I'm just some jackass online that has a little bit of a microphone to my name I had no expectation for her to wow me in the performance But man was I impressed by how little she seemed to care at all About giving her lines any sort of emotion to him She reads off the script with the most deadpan delivery humanly possible People will sometimes say hey Adam, you're being too mean to this person or Adam. You're criticizing. It's it's hard to do this shit Okay, really? You don't think there's Thousands hundreds of thousands of actors in Hollywood Just struggling to get their one shot and getting rejected for roles because a Dakota Johnson comes in and takes it from Do I think she was the best person for this role? Hell no I don't think she was the best like five thousandth person for this role But but she has name recognition, but I'll give her a tiny defense and that is the script is so stupid I'm not sure even the greatest actor could pull it off. Sydney Sweeney is just trying She's grasping to make something work. Her lines are miserable as well. Everyone everyone looks pitiful here the villain What the hell was that? The villain of the picture is Ezekiel. He has spider-man powers and Every single line of dialogue in this movie presented by him sounds like it was dubbed over off-camera in a studio His mouth does not match anything. He says almost ever. It's insane He'll barely be moving his mouth and a whole fucking paragraph of dialogue comes out It was so bizarre The editing again, this feels like it was broken up by 14 different committees and they were all throwing different ideas into it I imagine the production on this movie is quite a sight to see Dakota Johnson's been out promoting the film and I'm air quoting promoting because every single thing I've seen from her Sounds like she couldn't care less about this movie. She's throwing it under the bus every chance She's getting or making slight little jabs at it that are not subtle at all Oh, and if this movie wasn't already insulting enough, let's not forget the egregious Pepsi product placement throughout It is freaking Hilarious Dakota Johnson walking through a picnic with a Pepsi can in hand and making sure that logo is Perfectly placed so that the camera can pick it up and all its glory just walking around. She never opens it They just hand her a Pepsi and she thinks should I have a beer and her buddy's like no no no no You need a Pepsi and so she just holds this thing as she meanders throughout this room and outside at the barbecue Sits down on the couch where we see more Pepsi products sitting on the table and if that wasn't enough the final fight takes place underneath of a glorious Big beautiful Pepsi Cola sign Madam Webb enjoy your Pepsi you stupid idiots Oh and not to start anything but of course, it's Pepsi and not coke in a madam web film It just feels right now for the four of you that for some reason care about this Sony Spider-Man universe which is such a joke in my eyes You might be wondering where does this tie in with the other films? Well, I'm not gonna spoil that But I think they kind of came out and said it doesn't tie into any of the other films It's standalone because they couldn't figure out what timeline to go off of or what spider-man they were gonna play off of It was gonna be Andrew Garfield or Tom Holland. There are some really pathetic Easter eggs in here They're so smashed over your head. You'll roll your eyes if you're not a complete idiot I just it's embarrassing. The movie is embarrassing from top to bottom. No, I'm not gonna be hyperbolic and say It's the worst movie I've ever seen that's laughable. I've seen some horrid shit This isn't cats level of bad, but at the same time It's disgusting that Sony pushes this crap out with no effort involved at all. The direction is horrid It does definitely line up with Morbius and Venom in terms of look most of it's at night And even when it's not you have really stark high contrast shots where it's hard to make out things because there's just so Many dark shadows on everyone It's so over pronounced that it just has no interesting scenes to it when I think of a darker universe That could have been great. I think of blade one and two Fantastic look to those movies that could have been branched out But instead no we have this trash and then we have craving the hunter on the horizon Which also looks miserable beyond all comprehension if you don't know the plot watch the trailer They tell you it in one boring sentence. The mom is in the Amazon researching spiders when she dies It's so stupid by the way that line the meme isn't even in the final film They cut it, but there's plenty of other terrible lines just like that mostly coming from Dakota Johnson Who's not again not even trying to make them seem like realistic things people say so the mom dies right away at the beginning But she's bit by a spider which gives her baby Superpowers to see the future final destination style and Dakota Johnson's character Cassandra Webb is gonna spend almost the entire Time trying to figure out what these visions mean and even when she does figure it out She's still gonna stand there like a dipshit for what feels like 10 minutes each time and go, huh? Should I do something about that? I don't know what they're trying to do with this build suspense and because she has this ability She's able to save some strangers from getting killed by an evil spider-man character Who's hunting them down because he has a premonition that in the future they're gonna kill him Why does he have this premonition? I don't know. He just has it people just have powers We're not really sure why but it doesn't I don't care about any of that superhero logic out the window That's fine. What I do care about is the fact that the action when it is there is Painfully bad. There's not a single exciting moment in the entire film The way that this movie is shocked is like they strapped a GoPro to a duck and then got the duck drunk off His ass and just let it loose into the wild and the things flapping and flying this camera spinning around all over the place Like a spider. Ah moving. It's all it's all cool. And no, it's not cool. If you have problems with strobing Buckle up. This movie's got flashes constantly like you're in a rave This thing takes place in the early 2000s So you get nostalgic music that was clearly just overlaid on top after the fact a couple of the songs are so Comically out of place. One of the songs specifically plays while three of the girls are just kind of stumbling through the woods It doesn't go with anything. It's just there. Oh, we got the rights to this song. Let's put it in. Let's put it in the movie It's in madame web now criticisms aside The concept behind this Not terrible But the execution is the idea of there being an evil spider-man Stalking its prey hunting them down until he kills them. That sounds good on paper I could see this working in a james cameron style Terminator film really dark and gritty rated r. He's killing people. That's not what this is That's not even remotely what this is But there was a small Like a tiny morsel of an idea that could have that could have worked It could have been baked into a nice bread But instead it's dead and we have mad dumb web Or mad damn web. That was bad. Madame Morbius Perhaps there's lots of options and none of them are good and either was this film Those are my thoughts on madame web easily the worst and I say I don't say that lightly Easily the worst of the sony spider-man universe without spider-man Let me know your thoughts. Did you see this? Am I wildly off? Is this is this just a crowning achievement in cinema? Is this uh the next big thing for comic book superhero movies? Is this gonna set the new standard? I mean, I I can't imagine anybody could sanely say that Let me know Please like the video if you had a good time subscribe if you haven't just Use that web shooter and snap that thing or or just get a premonition get a vision of what would happen if you did Sub what would happen? I'll tell you is you're gonna get a rant on the sony spider-man universe You're gonna get live streams here all movie related. I don't infuse politics into my reviews or religions or anything It's just it's just movies. I'm just talking movies. And so I would love to have you join me If you really love the channel, I have a patreon account patreon.com slash adam does movies There's a one dollar tier ten dollar thirty tons of perks come along with it every month They give away v logs about my life. What's going on behind the scenes. It's a great time. I'd love to have you join me All right, hopefully I see you next time