 Good morning. Welcome to the anxious truth. This is podcast episode. I don't know Anyway, I am recording in April of 2023 in case you're watching from the future and a little bit of a special episode This is part two in a series that I promised I would do where I would go to places that I used to be terrified to go to when I was struggling with anxiety and This is one of them behind me blurred out and I'm trying to be respectful of the people who work in this building Is the Portview building this is a building where the business that I own and still own had its offices and its data center for the better part of 15 years something along those lines and For a very large portion of those 15 years This was a place that I really had difficulty coming to and staying to so staying at so being here In this little corner of the parking lot. There's a little bit of a wooded area in the corner of the lot Is not a thing that I would have been able to do So I'm going to show you some b-roll and sort of talk over that of the drive over here Which is only this morning It took me about 11 minutes and change and that included sitting at red lights for probably three or four minutes combined So it's not a long drive from my house. It's only about three and a half miles I'll clock that on the way home and I'll let you know what it is But yeah, the drive here would be a white knuckle drive. I would often panic on the drive over here I would often have to sit in my house and try to psych myself up for quite a long time in order to be able to even get Out of the house to come over here and when I would come here even though I owned the business I would really try to plan my trips very often so that I could get here and then do what I had to do Very quickly and then run out of here So I had a very long stretch of time where I just was absolutely absent from my own business I did not exist here other than in an occasional hit and run where I would come because I had to and then I would run Out of here as quickly as possible and white knuckle it back home and just try to get back to my safe place So I wouldn't be so panicky and anxious and afraid So standing here today And it's many years since we left this building. I mean we left this building probably around 2013 somewhere in that neighborhood 2014 maybe so it's been at least seven or eight years since I left this particular building But even so coming here and standing here to record for you I will walk through really quickly, but I'm trying to be respectful and not film people who are in the building now because that's not fair I'll try to give you a couple shots of what went on in this building what it looks like But even coming here this morning because I've I've had no reason to come to this building and stand here at this building Since I left it really as this the first time I've spent any appreciable amount of time Even though it's only so far about 10 minutes or so setting up It's really the first time I've done that and it's bringing up some some feelings for sure I Would say a little bit of because crazy as it sounds a little bit of residual anxiety Because I think it's just the memory of the amount of time that I spent in this parking lot trying to get out of my car to Win the building running back out to my car to sit in the car to try and calm myself down Escaping to the men's room like over and over trying to calm myself down just leaving like alright I'll see you guys later. I'll be back later and I and I wasn't coming back I knew that or I'll see you guys tomorrow, and I and I wasn't sure whether I was gonna come tomorrow and in retrospect I think what I'm probably feeling is some embarrassment and shame And a little bit of anxiety at very low level level to maybe and I think that's all memory-based It's all experientially based because this was a really tough place for me to be for so long and I think one of the things I went through my anti-depressant withdrawal here That's a story that if you look up SSRI go to the anxious truth comm and search for SSRI or anti-depressant You'll see a three-part series I did on my experience taking anti-depressant medication But I experienced a large portion of my SSR withdrawal here in this building I think that was a little bit of a really struggling time for me a difficult time for me for sure and Yeah, I remember coming to this building at night For those of you who are in my Facebook group or followed along on YouTube for a while I did a video probably a couple of years ago where I found some old footage From probably somewhere in the neighborhood of 2008 or 2009 I don't even remember where I had to come here at night and reboot a server that was stuck in my data center And it was an exposure for me and I was panicking So I spent a lot of time in this building not only during the day or in the morning and daylight hours But since a data center never sleeps I spent a lot of time in this building after hours over nights at night one o'clock in the morning midnight by myself Those were some very very difficult times for me for sure There was times in this building where if I was here during the day and it was sort of the end of the work day And everybody was leaving I would make sure I would like stop everything that I was doing and I would gather all My stuff and I would make sure that I would leave with them because I didn't want to be alone in the building I was still really dealing with monophobia at the time and I wouldn't want to be alone in the building So I would make sure to run out when everybody else left for the day And then there were times when I would I wasn't able to do that because just the nature of the business So there were times when I had to come here at night when there would be nobody here And I'd have to walk into the building which was locked so nobody could get in from the outside once that door was closed I was basically locked in the building and then I'd have to go down to the lower level into the data center And in the lower level cell phone service. Eh, it was a little bit spotty So we did have two landlines in the data center, but an anxious brain would tell me like Yeah, but that landline is 35 feet or 50 feet or 60 feet away in the other Cage where the other servers are and what if something happens and you can't get to the landline So I'd have my phone with me and I would spend all the time like looking to see if I had any bars on the phone Any service and I would be terrified because I'd have no service And therefore I was completely isolated in the lower level of this building at one o'clock in the morning where I was locked in Then I would do things like defeat the door locks. I would prop the door the doors open So that I knew that if anybody had to come in and rescue me they'd be able to get in So there's a lot of stuff that's coming up right now a lot of those memories. I did all of those things I'm not proud of those things now. I'm you know, that's those are embarrassing stories to tell but I but I lived through that I did that so If you do that sort of stuff know that I understand all the little tricks all the little Things to try to feel safer all the little things to try to get away from the fear All the little things to try to prevent the worst case from happening because we're always just convinced that we're This close from snapping or dying or having some sort of real medical emergency very difficult the time that I spent in this building around other people people who work for me or Colleagues or associates Trying to not look anxious when in retrospect some of them are still my friends and when they see me do this now And they all see my books or my podcasts and they'll say like well We we didn't think it was that bad But we knew something was going on because you would walk around constantly poking at your chest and Constantly with your hand on your neck and they noticed they noticed and and again That's a little bit embarrassing now, but that was true That was true And one of the things I try to use in this podcast is I try to use my past experiences to sort of pay that forward and See if it helps somebody else not go as far down that road as I went down But yeah, here I am at the portview building kind of telling you stories of This place that I was so terrified to come to And I would admit that when we we closed the data center in this building Which was probably around 2013 2014. I can't remember now the exact year There was such a sense of relief to leave this building and not have to come back Even at that point when I would say that I was I mean I was recovered at that point right there was I didn't I wasn't afraid to be here anymore But still leaving that this building for the first time. I think felt really good For the final time we finally that's it turned out the lights and I knew I didn't come back here It felt good. I wasn't afraid to be here anymore But leaving those memories behind and leaving this place behind felt really good Then it's interesting because standing here now today and telling you about these things As I stand under these trees that I've actually never stood under before or we just saw them but never really bothered to stand here It's a little bit therapeutic. It's a little bit therapeutic. I'm reliving some things that I'd forgotten about I'd live I'm telling some stories that I had probably not really told out loud before I mean I never hesitate to to share this stuff, but it's still sometimes difficult to say it So this is like part two of my little series where I take you to places that anxiety used to tell me to not go This was a big one because this was my place of business. This was where I worked This is what earned money for me. This is what fed my kids and I was afraid of it for a very long time and In retrospect when I look back I remember the fear I can feel it in my chest. I could feel it in the pit of my stomach I remember what it feels like, but it feels and seems so ridiculous to me now And if I can impart anything to you as I stand here at this building in a bit of a symbolic gesture that I didn't Expect to be so emotional about But as I stand here, I could tell you that while these are slightly painful memories to relive They are certainly agitating me a little bit at a very low level. They're embarrassing There's a little bit of trepidation and telling you guys some of the silly things that I did But that's okay. Um, but more than anything else. There's a sense of of absurdity and ridiculous this like I can't believe That I let that thing take this place away from me And there were good people here that I worked with and some of them are still friends and we and we would laugh and they were Nice and this was my business and I learned things and built things and developed things and had relationships with Customers and employees and colleagues and and I let anxiety take so much of that experience away from me so Only now I've been standing here reliving this and telling the stories with this building behind me in the early morning And it's a really nice day today by the way, which is helping But I think doing that really brings into relief That it wasn't all bad. There was some good things But I really went so far down the rabbit hole of following fear and following symptoms and sensations and following scary thoughts That I let that rob me of what could be probably richer happier fuller memories That now I have to sort of reconstruct and repaint if you will from a recovered standpoint But if you are struggling now as you watch this and you have places that you are afraid to go that you don't want to go And you are following your sensations and your symptoms and your scary thoughts And you feel stuck and you cannot imagine that I am saying that it seems so ridiculous and absurd now Believe me when I tell you that when I was at the worst of it and running out of this building to sit in the parking lot Or running out of here literally terrified panicking with my heart pounding Knowing that there is literally a volunteer ambulance station 60 seconds drive if I didn't stop at the stop signs here. I would think that So I'll drive you past that on the way home But if I peeled out of this parking lot make a left make another left and don't stop at the stop signs I could get there and I used to plan that One o'clock in the morning running out of the data center sitting in my car trying to convince myself to go back in and finish the job What would be the consequences of not finishing the job and losing a customer and having to explain in the morning Or what if I just went and sat in the parking lot at the ambulance even though I know at one o'clock in the morning There's nobody there, but I was just that much closer to help. There's a there's a hospital That's about two miles down the road here That there was several times that I ran out of this building and went and sat in the parking lot at that hospital So I was you I understand that and at the time That just felt terrifying and real and dangerous and risky and exhausting and discouraging And embarrassing and all of those things and now I can look back on that and say it seems ridiculous Because it was even though it felt so real at the time and retrospect now I know it was ridiculous And I have some regret that I'll carry with me that I let that thing rob me of so many things And turn this place into such a bad memory for me But I did so if you're going through that now just know that on the other side of that fear and on the other side Of the struggle that you're in right now Is a sense of ridiculousness and absurdity and and a more realistic view of what you're going through and of understanding That you've always been safe and you've always handled it and all the things that you hear me talk about But coming here this morning and and talking about it just really kind of brings it Puts it right in my face and makes it a little more real and a little more tangible for me And that's why I wanted to relay that to you. So I will I will wrap it up here. I think And I what I'll do is I'll I'll shoot a little b-roll and I'll insert that in as we go So that you can sort of see what the inside of the building looks like but again, I I want to be respectful So I don't want to spend too much time with the camera on in there But uh, yeah, I'll do the best I can and I'll I'll I'll shoot a little bit of the drive home I'll assert the drive here so you can see what it looks like I'll try to stitch this together and final cut pro to make some sense out of it Anyway, I think the next one I'm probably going to do a train station on the Long Island Railroad Which was another thing I was terrified to do to get on a train to go into New York City Which is something that I've done thousands of times in my life But for a long period I was terrified to do that I could not be on a train So I think I'll do my next one of these in a one of the Long Island Railway train stations I'm going to definitely do one especially for the summer the warm weather is coming I'll do one in the city. We'll walk through the city together Again a place I used to love to be that I was terrified to go for a long time So I have a couple of these planned we'll stretch them out over the next six or eight months or a year Whenever I can squeeze them in I hope you find them helpful in some way And I'll just remind you before I go that if you are listening to this as a podcast on apple or spotify Just please take a second and rate and review the podcast five stars if you love it And maybe write a quick review if you're watching on youtube then make sure you hit the subscribe button Hit the notification bell so you know when I upload new content leave a comment on this I'm really happy to interact with you guys on youtube a couple times a week when I circle back And uh, yeah, um, I don't know what next week's episode is going to be but uh, I'll be here I'll be here talking about something probably back in the studio talking about something But thanks for coming by thanks for listening to me ramble about this this memory in my life And let me share it with you and let me work through some things live on camera I appreciate you guys and I will see you again next week. Take care