 Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Jonathan Asley of JonathanAsley.com and I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today. Our topic, he'll never step up and choose you if you're doing this. Please stop doing this. Really quickly, if you're brand new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new videos. And if at any time during this video, the content resonates, please do me a favor and hit that like button so I can be seen in the Yucatoog algorithms. Lastly, this is your explicit language warning. I do occasionally drop an F-bomb here or there, so which I call expletives to enhance the sentence. And if that's not your cup of tea, I highly suggest you log off now. All right, let's jump into, he'll never step up and choose you if you're doing this. Don't do this, don't do this anymore. All right, really quickly, let's think about the dating process really quickly. I mean, we've all been pretty much indoctrinated. Men are the hunters and men are the chasers and men kind of lead the dating process. That's just the way it's been throughout millennia. And that's still the way it is today. Men tend to come on strong when they like someone. That's just what happens. We kind of take off like a rocket, okay? Because in a way, even think about the idea of starting a fire, you have to like, two rocks have to, or two flint stones or whatever have to go together with some force to get it started. So relationships do tend to take off a little bit fast. And then what happens in most relationships that they start to shift the energy. And when I'm, or excuse me, the energy begins to shift. What you notice in many cases, men start to slow down, they become passive. They start to be inconsistent. They start to be wishy-washy. They start to go hot and cold. Now, some of the reasons why this happens is because there's stuff going on in his life that makes it difficult for him to actually lean into a relationship because the foundation he has under his life isn't very solid. In fact, in many cases, this is the predominant reason why men, ghosts, disappear, act flaky, act passive, act wishy-washy, all those kind of things. And yet there's another thing that actually happens frequently that most women do, and they're not realizing they're doing this, is that they give their power away to a man. They give their power away to a man. Now, I wanna spend some time talking about this, and I came up with an interesting analogy because when you think about it, from a dating perspective, if you follow my work, I always talk about a relationship is a two-lane street, meaning two cars driving together side-by-side down the street. That's the analogy I talk about frequently when I shoot my videos and in my private coaching program. What I notice, however, is most women, once we get past that initial first or second date, what women often do is they get inside his car so they're the passenger in the car and he's the one driving. Now, in many cases, women, just from that particular metaphor, from an actual physical perspective, many of you might like that because the man is taking charge, he's taking the lead, he's being the provider protector when he's driving the car. The challenge is when he's driving the car, it's on his terms, how the speed he travels, the, you know, does he pay attention to the road? Is he erratic? Is he one of these angry drivers? Is he a slow driver? Is he a fast driver? Is he chaotic driver? And you might be sitting there in the seat going, please stop, you know, stop, I need to get out of the car because I don't feel safe with you, okay? Literally, the way the dating process is set up for most women is that you're getting in the passenger seat and you're following basically, I don't wanna say the rules of the man, but there's this expectation that the man is the leader of the relationship. So what happens is you're effectively a passenger in the relationship and you're not actually being a participant in the relationship. Let me repeat that, you're a passenger in the relationship and you're not an active participation in the relationship. And when I said earlier, what women often do, which causes men not to want to choose them, is they give their power away to a man. Now, I've put together a list of examples of how women give their power away and tell me if this resonates with you or not, if you've experienced this or not, experienced this or not, because this is what I frequently see as a dating or relationship coach and for those that don't know me, I'm a dating relationship coach specializing in midlife and midlife is after baby making years and before retirement. So my predominant coaching client is between 42 and 69. And I share this because there's a big difference of being in your 40s, 50s and 60s versus being in your 20s and 30s. Because when most people in their 20s and 30s, their active goal is to make babies and raise a family, you know, to start a family together, men and women of life, that's their primary goal. Not saying for all people, but for most people. So that's their indoctrination relationship but in those folks in their 40s, 50s and 60s, there's a whole different scheme that comes to play. Oftentimes there's divorce, there's alimony, there's child support, there's visitation rights, there's custody, all these things just to give you one example. There's erectile dysfunction, there's menopause, there's estrogen, there's pills for testosterone, ED pills, all this stuff. Then we've got elderly parents. I mean, it's a quagmire of differences which is why folks that give advice for 20 and 30-year-olds, you can't apply it to those in their 40s, 50s and 60s. It just doesn't work that way. However, this one singular thing I'm about to share, this giving one's power away, women do at any age because you've literally been indoctrinated in the belief that your job is to get in the passenger seat and not to be driving your own car. I'm gonna repeat that. You've been so indoctrinated in getting the passenger seat that you're not driving your own car. And remember when I said the metaphor is two cars traveling down the road at the same speed, it's you're in charge of your car and he's in charge of his car. And yet so many of you literally give your power away. So I've put together some examples here of how women give their power away. First and foremost is the relationship is on his terms. You abandon your standards and you abandon your boundaries. I'm gonna repeat that. So many women abandon their standards and they abandon their boundaries because you've literally been indoctrinated. It's literally throughout history that men are so opposed to be in charge of the relationship. And I'm here to say ladies, you are in charge of your relationship destiny. It is not a man's job to be in charge of your destiny. It's he's in charge of his destiny, you're in charge of your destiny. So the minute the relationship is on his terms and you abandon your standards and boundaries, you're already setting yourself up for failure and he's not gonna wanna choose you. He's not, I mean, he may temporarily choose you but he's not gonna wanna choose you from a long-term perspective. Number two, most of you are afraid to speak your truth. I want you to think about this. You're in relationship with someone, you've spent time together, you've broken bread together, you've had sex together, you've even said, I love you. And yet so many of you are afraid to speak your truth to a man because you're afraid he's going to run away. That's a perfect example of giving your power away. In fact, if you're not familiar with my book, what the heck is self love anyway? What the heck is self love anyway? There's a link in the description below. Chapter one is speak your truth, just do it with kindness. And then later in the book, chapter nine is if it's sincere and from the heart, you can't say the wrong thing to the right guy. When you are with the right guy, you should want to speak your truth. You should wanna be vulnerable. You should wanna be authentic. You should wanna be transparent without fear, without fear because men are more attracted to women who speak their truth. Now, let me differentiate. I don't mean vomiting your truth. I don't mean confronting him with your truth. I mean merely speaking about your feelings from a healthy emotional way. I'm gonna repeat that. Speaking about your feelings from a healthy emotional way. And if you're not familiar with the book, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, you've gotta buy this book because this is going to teach you how to communicate in a healthier, happy way. So if you're afraid to speak your truth in relationship, you've literally given your power away. You're in the passenger seat. You're not in the driver's seat. Number three, when the relationship ends, you focus all about him and what he did wrong instead of taking ownership in your part. And quite frankly, taking ownership in your own feelings. That's what matters most. It has nothing to do about him. It has everything to do about your feelings. Number four is waiting for him to initiate contact all the time, waiting for him to initiate contact all the time, waiting for him to initiate contact all the time. Ladies, many of you are suckling on the nipple of, the nipple of I need you to tell me you love me so I can feel good about myself. I need you to contact me all the time so I know you care. I need you to contact me so I know you haven't left me. Ladies, whenever you're expecting somebody to do something so you can feel good, you've literally have given your power away. And number five, you stop doing what you did before the relationship and you're waiting on his beck and call so that whenever he calls, that's when you'll be, you know, you're like, I'm waiting for his call. I'm waiting for his call. I'm waiting for his call. And then the last two, feeling like you can't live without him. And then finally, you think that this is the only person you'll ever have chemistry with. Ladies, I'm gonna assume that by the time you've hit 40 or 50, you've had several men that you've had amazing chemistry with. And let me just say this, if you've had it before, you can have it again. Yes, you can. There's not just one person for you out in this world. So anytime you subscribe to that belief, you're setting yourself for failure, you're setting yourself up as him being in charge of the relationship, which means you're giving a power away and a man won't choose you, he won't claim you and he won't step up whenever you give your power away. So before I take questions in a few minutes, I wanna just give you some perspective on how to shift this narrative, how to shift this narrative. So the solution is to drive in your own car, to be in your sovereignty, to be in your self-worth, self-esteem, self-confidence, drive your own car, that's number one. And to recognize that the first 100 hours of face-to-face time should be a mutual effort and it's not incumbent upon the man to lead the process. Let me repeat that, the first 100 hours of face-to-face time is a mutual effort. And that's roughly the first six to 12 weeks for those people that live relatively close to one another. Long distance relationships, I don't even wanna go there in this conversation because that's a whole clusterfuck all together and we can talk about that later, but I'm here to say for two people that live relatively close to one another during the first six to 12 weeks or roughly 100 hours of face-to-face time, it's a mutual effort into getting to know one another. So you both plan dates, you both plan dates with one another, you both initiate contact with one another, you take turns doing things. This actually establishes a stronger bond with a man than expecting him to lead the process. I'm gonna repeat that, when you expect him to lead the process, then you're giving your power away. When you take charge and say, hey, I wanna take you out tonight and we're gonna go to this restaurant or you free at six o'clock or seven o'clock, you take charge in the early stages in those first 100 hours, you go ahead and initiate a telephone call. I can't tell you how many times I get messages. Jonathan, I haven't heard from him in about 10 days and I'm like, have you reached out to him? And they go, no, I'm not supposed to reach out to a man. Yeah, ladies, because you bought into the stupid narrative that this book, The Rules, has sold you. The book, The Rules teaches a manipulative way to engage in the early stage of the dating that temporarily, it's only temporarily, maybe tricks a guy into liking you. I'm gonna repeat that, it temporarily tricks a guy into liking you because it's using reverse psychology bullshit to hook someone. But let me just tell you something, when a guy hasn't called for 10 days, maybe he's sitting at home going, God, she hasn't called me in 10 days. She must not like me anymore. Just, I'm not saying that's what he's thinking and quite frankly, if a man hasn't called, chances are he's lost interest. But the point is, have you made effort too? Well, Jonathan, I was the last person to text. Well, guess what? Something could be going on in his life. He could have an emotional issue that's going on. He could have family problems. He could have a work problem that makes him a little less attentive. So folks, if you want to be in a healthy, happy relationship, then recognize that the first 100 hours is a mutual exchange of taking turns in the process of getting to know one another, getting to know one another, getting to know one another. Folks, let me just tell you something. I have witnessed most humans are terrible at getting to know one another. They're terrible at the job. It's great when you have chemistry and you feel like you know someone, but most folks, in fact, I want to read you. I was listening to a song earlier. I don't know if you guys know the movie, Fifty Shades of Grey, but one of the songs in there was called Love Me Like You Do. And the bridge to the chorus goes like this. I'll let you set the pace because I'm not thinking straight. My head is spinning around. I can't see clear no more. What are you waiting for? Love me like you do, love me like you do, touch me like you do, love me like you do, like me like. So literally, I'm gonna read that again. I'll let you set the pace because I'm not thinking straight. My head is, ladies, if you're not thinking straight when you're in a dating process, you're fucked, okay? I'm sorry to say this because without being rational and intentional and practical, you're setting yourself up for failure. That's like getting into a car. Let's go back to the car analogy. That's like getting in the car, but you're drunk on alcohol. Do you really want to get on the freeway when you're drunk on alcohol? Hell no. And by expecting the man to be the driver, you are setting yourself up for failure. Now, here's the thing. Most men are good guys. Most men are good guys. A lot of them are just very bad daters, but most men are good guys. They'll drive you home per se. But I'm here to say, if you're giving your power away to a guy, he's not gonna wanna step up. He's not gonna wanna choose you. We'll definitely use you. I say, we, I've been there. I've been the guy with women who have given me their power. And temporarily, I might take advantage of it because what does power do when you give someone power? We get drunk on power. I've gotten drunk on the power that women give me. But I don't wanna choose those women because most guys, most high value men, emotionally mature men, wanna partner that they can travel down the road together. And we are actually more attracted to the woman who's driving her own car rather than giving the job to me. Now, with that said, with the actual, not the metaphor, but the actual driving of the car, I like to drive a car when I'm with a woman, not because I'm a protector provider. It's because I'm a control freak. I wanna be in charge. Nobody likes letting someone else drive. I mean, some people are okay with that. But I know most men prefer to drive because we wanna be in charge, maybe because we don't trust you driving. You have to, but that's just the actual driving of a car. But the metaphor I'm using in relationship, and let me go back to this again, you are in charge of your relationship, Destiny. You should be in your car driving. Do not give your power away to a man. It's not about him leading the relationship. If you want a healthy, happy, co-creative relationship, and let me repeat that, a co-creative relationship, just like what Gary Zukoff talks about in the book, spiritual partnership, spiritual partnership. If you wanna co-creative relationship, then drive your own car. And if you need a little help learning how to drive your own car, I highly recommend getting the book. If the Buddha dated, if the Buddha dated, this will teach you how to drive your own car if you don't know how to get this book. All the links in Jonathan recommends books is listed below. I highly recommend reading all of the books I recommend. I recommend that you read all the books I recommend because if you wanna shift your narrative, it's time to get educated. Folks, they didn't teach us this in school. Our parents didn't teach us this. And this is why the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. I'm here to offer you an opportunity for you to learn how to do something in a more effective way, which includes not giving your power away to a man. All right, I hope you found value in that. We're gonna take questions in a moment, but before we take questions, I wanna share something with you all. So here, in fact, I'm gonna post it right here. It's gonna say, why did you date, oops, date when you were not ready? Okay, so I'm gonna post this right there. Jonathan, why did you date when you were not ready? Okay, great question. Where did that go? Okay, so the reason why I'm bringing this up is someone I shared in my previous video that right after my divorce, I was a train wreck. I had lost my quarter million dollar a year job. I was going through a contentious divorce. I was very depressed. I was drinking. I was doing cocaine. I was dating as a way to self-medicate the pain that was going on in my life. And someone said, Jonathan, why would you date when you're not ready? Why would you go out there and date if you weren't capable of being in a relationship? And so I'm not the only person that has experienced what I just shared. And most men and women actually date when they're not ready, when they're not capable of being in a relationship. Let me repeat that. Many people, in fact, I believe most people date when they're not ready. They might have chaos going on in their life. They might have depression going on in life. They might have a contentious divorce going on. They might have issues at work. They might have physical issues going on that makes it difficult for them to build the roots, the roots of trust to be in relationship. By the way, before I forget this, if you wanna learn how to vet if someone is capable of being in a relationship, schedule a free discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. My area of expertise is learning you how to pre-qualify your prospect. So if you're single and looking for love and you wanna learn how to pre-qualify men, then check out the link below. Because what I'm about to share with you is something I learned the hard way and I'm hoping you don't have to learn it the hard way. But going back to why was I dating when I wasn't ready? Quite frankly, it's because I wanted connection. I wanted companionship. I wanted physical intimacy with someone. It is very common for human beings to go out in the dating realm because they want connection, they want companionship, and they want physical intimacy. But that doesn't mean that they're capable of being in relationship. I'm gonna repeat that. It doesn't mean that they're capable of being in relationship. I've met plenty of women who are actively dating and I have clients as well who are actually not capable of being in relationship because it's a human nature to want connection, companionship, and sex. But that doesn't mean that they're capable of going the distance. This is why it's so hugely important to learn how to vet for emotional maturity. When I do coaching, when I work with a client, I help them learn how to create their own emotional aptitude test to be able to determine if a guy is really capable of leaning in because we all know if you follow my word, leaning back in your feminine energy isn't going to get a guy to claim you. Because that whole leaning back narrative, look, you can lean back all day long and be in your feminine. You can be friendly and flirty and cooperative, but if he's not in a good place to be in relationship just like I wasn't in a good place to be in relationship, it's highly unlikely that anything is going to materialize in the long run. Going back to why did I do it, that's the why. Was it fair to women? Well, quite frankly, back when I was dating, I barely got past the first six weeks and I would end it. I mean, that was literally as long as it went for me back then, I'd go about six weeks, okay? And that's not, I mean, quite frankly, everybody should be prepared to date for six to 12 weeks because dating is, look, it's a vetting process for both men and women alike. What I would like you ladies to do is do a better job of vetting before you actually go out with a man. Do a better job of vetting before the penis goes inside the vagina. And folks, if you're not familiar with the book, Eight Dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman, Eight Dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman, I highly recommend reading this book so you can learn the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship. I did not know the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship at that stage in my life. This is why I was bouncing against walls all the time. It didn't mean I was a bad human being. By the way, whenever I read these women say, well, why were you dating when you weren't ready or why do men date when they're not ready? Well, my question is, why do women date when they're not ready? It's human nature to want connection. It doesn't mean they're bad people. It's just we humans want connection with one another. And now we have a portal called the internet, or the swipe apps that allows us to connect with people. So anyway, I just wanted to share that with you all. And I want to follow up with that with another thing because some of you asked me about my significant relationship after my divorce. And I touted her in a very positive light. We had a six year on and off relationship that didn't go to the distance shoot. We had a very conscious uncoupling and people asked why didn't it work out? Folks, let me just be very candid with you. If you're not, I was stuck in two phases in my life. I was stuck in my anxious attachment style, anxious attachment style, and I was reliving the Amago. I was reliving the Amago. And let me just talk about this for a moment. If you're not familiar with love attachment style, I highly recommend reading the book attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. Read this book to understand attachment style. I was stuck in my anxious attachment style, which meant I get very needy in relationship. So I showed up very needy in that relationship. I was suckling on the nipple of I needed her to love me so I could feel good about myself. And I was constantly needing validation and constantly needing validation. Now, why did I do this? Because I was trapped in what's known as the Amago. And if you're not familiar with the work of Harvelle Hendricks and Helen Hunt, they wrote a book called Getting the Love You Want. This explains why we choose people like our parents. I'm gonna repeat that. We oftentimes are trying to heal a wound with our parents. So we choose someone that is reminiscent or familiar to an action of our parents. I know many of you might have daddy issues or mommy issues. And you're oftentimes choosing a partner very similar to one of your parents because we're actually trying to heal through another human being when we actually need to go to our parents and heal that stuff. This is why I highly recommend reading the book or doing the Hoffman process, the Hoffman process. This is a deep dive into healing childhood wounds and traumas, childhood wounds and traumas that causes to have negative patterns and limiting beliefs in our relationship life. And quite frankly, in my particular case, my previous relationship was kind enough for after we ended our relationship, she gifted as my birthday gift this Hoffman process. And let me tell you something, after all was said and done, it's a four or $5,000 investment. And that was her kind gift to me after we ended our relationship. And once I went to the Hoffman process, I began the healing of my pattern of my anxious attachment style and my need to try to heal my relationship with one or both of my parents. So many cases, so I'm sharing with you why it didn't work out. That quite frankly, she was a beautiful, loving person. We both needed to heal each other. I was big instrumental in her life in helping her heal. And she's now in a wonderful relationship with a great guy named David. He and I are now friends. We play golf together. And I only share this with you to help you understand is that sometimes we meet great people, but it doesn't mean we're meant to go the distance. Those great people we meet are meant to be our lessons in our lives. And when we can look at our past relationships on what we positively learned about ourselves and what was good and what we're most grateful for, we have a greater chance of experiencing a healthier, happier relationship in the future. And that's where I think I'm at today. And coincidentally, after going through that experience, I was able to write my book. What the heck is self love anyway? Does anyone own this book? Please let me know. All right, I think it's great time to take questions now. So if you're familiar with my process, if you have a question, write the word question and post the question there after. Or you can purchase a Super Sticker or Super Chat. I noticed several people did purchase them already. Thank you so much. The funds of the Super Sticker and Super Chats, which only you can do on the live stream, goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's my son who passed away a few years. And the monies go to a scholarship fund to help those who need personal development. So those funds go there. All right, let's just see what we've got here. Let's see if we've got any questions. By the way, did what I share, was that valuable folks? Did that help? I hope it did. All right, if you have a question, post the word question. And we are going to, let's see. I'm just scrolling here, so. Bump, bump, bump. Grace wrote, I'm so used to getting rejected by a few that I really like that I'm cold about it. I feel great about myself and feel the universe has my person, but we'll give it when I'm truly ready to receive. Great question. So when we're ready to receive, listen, it requires, listen, love is a function of giving and receiving, giving and receiving, giving and receiving. It's great. By the way, giving allows us to be in control. Giving allows us to be in control. The problem is most many folks, many folks have a hard time receiving. Men and women alike, and just like this woman has just pointed out, Grace, thank you, is if you're not ready to receive, it's going to be difficult to get on that two-lane street if your car is stuck somewhere and they're moving along. You have to be able to give and receive together for a relationship to actually build the roots of trust to one another. So I invite you to open up your heart to be able to receive. I highly recommend, if you need help with that, I highly recommend reading the book, The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer, The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer. This is a great book to shift the narrative to move into one's heart. Oh, wait, there's another great book. Gosh, there's another book and I can't think of what it is to move into our heart. It'll come to me. Oh, Mastery of Love, Mastery of Love. Hold on one second. I wanna find that book in my bookshelf. Bear with me, folks. Where's Mastery of Love? Oh, well, you guys get the gist of where I'm going. Mastery of Love, great book to shift into your heart. Oh, also, let me not forget How to Make Love All the Time by Barbara DeAngelis. Great book to help you shift into your heart and that's my invitation for you, Grace. Thank you so much. Great question or great post. All right, if you have a question, post the word question. Post, write the word question, then write your question thereafter so it's easier for me to see, folks. Okay, Sadie writes. Question, Jonathan. I'm extremely jealous in relationship and I even felt jealous once a man, wait, let me repeat that. I even felt jealous once of a man's cat. Should I tell a prospective partner about this? And yes, when is the best time? So, jealousy is oftentimes, at least from my perspective, an issue, the person has trust issues. I believe people that have inherent trust issues have jealousy issues or at least that's my perspective on it. So, first off, by telling someone that you have jealousy issues, I quite frankly, when a woman tells me she has trust or jealousy issues, I have no part in that relationship. I do not want to get onto a train with someone who has an inherent issue of trust. Quite frankly, partially because I'm in a business where I talk to women all day long so I'm just using me as the example, but what man wants to deal with a woman with trust or jealousy issues. I highly recommend instead of focusing on when to tell him, I highly focus on reading the book, the Hoffman process, to get to the root of where the jealousy issues lie, because quite frankly, if you, because here's the thing, just because, now by the way, I understand the idea of telling someone it prepares them. I know I wouldn't date someone who has trust or jealousy issues because to me, that's a lack of emotional maturity. I'm gonna repeat that, that's not a lack of emotional maturity, but that's a functionality of a weakness of emotional maturity, at least from my perspective. I'm not saying this as an absolute, I allow others to view it how they wish to view it, but my invitation for you, get to the root of where the insecurity lies and focus on that rather than telling him. Folks, let me just tell you something, all of you want to be with that emotionally healthy man, but you have to be an emotionally healthy person to be with that emotionally healthy man, and that's my invitation for you anyway. By the way, my cup says, swear a little, you'll feel better, fuck yes. All right, Sadie, thank you for that question, I appreciate it. All right, Lee says, familiarity, not comfort, but familiarity and a hope of improving. Interesting, okay, thank you. All right, if you have a question, post the word question. Hi, Jonathan, as a man, I rejected a girl who wanted to have sex with me. I refused, because I felt she was not sober enough, and now I think I've insulted her. What should I do now? Interesting question, thank you so much, Matt Dia. I'm hoping I'm pronouncing your name right. So, I actually remember this happen to me once. So I would simply say, I take my time before I'm intimate with someone, and I really, and quite frankly, I mean, I'm assuming you're attracted to this person and you like this person, I'm assuming that, if you don't, this is just one example of what to do in this particular case. But you can say, hey, look, I'm really attracted to you, I like to take time before we get intimate with one another, I just want you to know I like you, and if you felt any slight from that, just know I really like you, and I'd like to spend more time getting to know you. That's one way of looking at it. If you rejected, if you chose, I don't like the word reject, if you chose not to have sex with her, because you don't wanna be in relationship with her, which is actually a very commendable thing to do. Let me lean into this for a second, because there's something virtuous about a man who is actually recognizes that he could have sex with a woman, but she's not the one. I've been in a position where I've had an opportunity, the woman just literally laid it down for me to have, and I said, no, I didn't reject her, it's because I didn't wanna go down a road of making a promise I couldn't keep. And usually when you have sex with someone, there's this implied promise that you're gonna be in relationship with them. So in this particular case, I would say either try the former or the, but in the case of the latter, you could just say, look, I'm not considering you as a long-term partner, and that's why I didn't wanna go down the path of being intimate with them. At least that's my suggestion in that case. I hope that helps, so thank you so much. Great question, great post. Um, question, do I have to be with an ugly mate cause I'm at my age, I've lost my beauty? Okay, I'm not sure I understand that question to the extent, look it, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I'm gonna repeat that, beauty is in the eye of a beholder. And quite frankly, attraction is an individual thing. Now, we oftentimes are attracted to people that are more attractive than ourselves. Let me repeat that, we're oftentimes attracted to more people, more attracted to someone who's more attractive than ourselves. Now, I'm not here to create a scale of the one to 10 type of thing, but oftentimes most people make the assumption that they're a seven, eight, or nine, when the vast majority of the population might say you're a four, five, or six, I'm just using this as an analogy. But in fact, most men try to date up in a level of attraction. And quite frankly, on some level, most women actually have to most likely date down on attraction. I'm not saying it's right, I'm just saying what it is. Here's the thing, you don't have to do anything you don't want, you can just do what you want. Now, does that mean you're going to attract the partner you want? Look it, a lot of men who are in their 50s, 60s, and 70s want 20 year old women. Just because they want it doesn't mean they're going to get it. You have to be realistic with yourself. What matters most, if anything, is a heart connection with another human being, developing friendship with another human being. That's more important, and the long run, and when two emotionally healthy people come together, they actually find themselves attracted to one another because their heart is radiating more than just their body. But everybody has their own way of doing things, and that's just my perspective on this one. So thank you so much for that question, I really appreciate it, Saul. Okay, natural beauty says, question, why a man constantly tells you he loves you but distance himself when personal issues arose, loss of family members, et cetera. Great question, so why didn't, well first off, okay, we have to let go of this narrative that love means relationship success. Let me repeat that, love does not equal relationship success, okay? So, and by the way, people can love one another, doesn't mean that they're compatible with one another, doesn't mean that they're in a place to be in relationship with one another, just like I shared earlier. I loved the woman I was in relationship, but I wasn't really capable of being in a relationship because my attachment style, and I was healing childhood wounds and trauma. And not to mention, if someone's got chaos in their life, it's difficult to build the roots of trust to actually go the distance. Part of the problem that here folks is that most folks at midlife, most folks at midlife don't know what their common cause to be in a relationship. Let me repeat that, most folks don't know their common cause because in our 20s and 30s, the common cause, just like I said earlier in this video, is to make babies and raise a family. At midlife, most folks don't actually understand that commitment requires being in partnership with someone. And most folks at midlife are gun shy at partnership and in fact many cases, most men are gun shy at being the provider protector for another person because they're dealing with alimony, child support, visitation rights, family cord, custody, just to name a few, plus their job issues and maybe health issues. Most men at midlife don't wanna take on the responsibility of being the provider protector. We might innately wanna do that, but we might have a conflict to the actual capability of being a provider protector for another human being. Do you understand this? And by the way, I know a lot of you might get angry at this, but you have to look at it from a man's point of view. That whole bullshit narrative that the whole, men are for Mars, women are for Venus and you can just encapsulate it into the fact that testosterone makes men wanna go into their cave and do all that kind of, that's bullshit. When you add years and years and years and years of trauma and conflict and issues and a lack of real introspective work, why do you think midlife crisis happens? Midlife crisis happens because the blueprint of where we thought our life was going to be collides with our reality. And then all of a sudden it's chaos. Many men and women go through this period of chaos in their life. My friend, Alison Armstrong, where's her book? She wrote a book called The Queen's Code. The Queen's Code and in this book she talks about the tunnel men go through. That tunnel can be five, 10, 15 or 20 years that tunnel could be. What they're stuck in this no man's land. So we, again, remember I said earlier I wanted companionship, I wanted connection, I wanted intimacy, but that doesn't necessarily mean someone is capable already. This is why ladies, you have to learn how to vet for emotional maturity. Check out the link for a discovery call with me so you can learn how to do that. If you're single and looking for love I highly recommend scheduling a call to see if working with a coach is right for you. And in this particular case I'm giving you the why. It may not make you feel good but I'm just telling you the why this happens. Natural beauty, thank you so much. Great question there. All right. Marlene says, God, we're rocking and rolling today. Marlene, question, how many times do I have to give him a chance? He's emotionally immature, controlling insecure, so much anger in him, tried to help him but I'm tired of understanding him and giving us another chance. Folks, this is a perfect example of giving your power away. Why is the relationship based on what he's doing? Why aren't you focused on what you want, your standards and your boundaries? Folks, let me give you an example of a standard. This is my standard in relationship. After we've initially been dating and we've decided we want to explore a relationship together, I'm looking for a relationship where we spend three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, being partners in each other's life, both in our personal and our professional life, and I simply mean partners as teamwork, helping each other, intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy that leads to either moving in together or getting married. That's my standard. My boundary is living up to the standard. If I'm with a person who's emotionally immature, if I'm with a person who's wishy-washy, if I'm a woman with a woman, how did she describe it in this particular case? As anger issues, if she has trust issues as I shared before, that's called done. To me, that's called done. That's the moment I say I'm done with this person. That's how I operate, my standard and my boundary. I just want you to look at standard and boundary as a coin. One side is standard, the other side is boundary. Boundary is what's okay and what's not okay for you. I like the way Brene Brown talks about boundaries and if you're not familiar with Brene Brown's work, I highly recommend read book Daring Greatly by Brene Brown, Daring Greatly. I would do research on Brene Brown because she talks about boundaries because in this particular case, I don't even know why you want to be with this man. But Jonathan, I love him. I love him so much. We have so much great chemistry for one another. And Marlene, I'm just being tongue in cheek, silly, I'm just being tongue in cheek, silly, okay? But why are you wanting to be with a guy who has anger issues, emotionally immature and everything, I don't get it. Folks, I don't get it, but I wanna help him. It's not your job to be his healer. It's not your job to be his therapist. And quite frankly, he'll never shift. He'll never shift if you're holding space for him to change. He's gotta do it on his own terms. Does that make sense, folks? I hope it does. Thank you, great question. All right. Monica says, love Brene Brown, I agree. Rise and Shine says, trust issues, deal breaker. Yes, I agree. Medea says, thank you, Jonathan. Oh, thank you for answering. It's pretty late here. I wish everyone a good night. Thank you so much. I appreciate it, great question. All right. Um, Jonathan, when you do your woman imitation, you sound like the 10 men from Wizard of Oz. Oh, cute, thank you. Arlene writes, question, a man I'm dating is widowed. He admits he has guilt and has supposed feelings. So how do I deal? Okay, he has guilt and suppressed feelings. I thought it said, by the way, folks, I'm dyslexic. I have a hard time reading so I make big, gigantic mistakes. He has guilt and repressed feelings. Many widowers are, listen, many, many widowers genuinely love their spouse, you know, and they feel sad. I mean, look at my father. By the way, my father turned 96 years old yesterday. 90 fucking six years old. Oh my God. Now, my mother and father were married 66 years before my mother passed away. And now, mind you, this is 66 years and I highly doubt he's gonna go out and find a mate at this point. My mother's been passed for three and a half years now. But my point is, is he still constantly thinks about her. He always goes, I'm coming home to you soon. I'm coming home to you soon. Actually, I think my father will live to be 100. But I share this with you as many widowers have loved deeply and it's very difficult. They might feel guilt over what happened in the person's life and have suppressed feelings. And yet we still, if we're young enough, we're in our 40s, 50s or 60s out dating, we might want connection with another human being. That's a very common thing. What's most important is come from a place of understanding and come from a place of love. Doesn't mean that he's your partner, most likely he's not, but come from a place of understanding, compassion and love. That's my invitation for you in this particular case because it's gonna be difficult for someone who still has feelings for someone they love deeply. Folks, look it. You guys know I lost my son Connor. That love is never, now I'm gonna cry. That love is never gonna go away. When we lose someone, when we lose someone we love, that love never goes away. And so I'm not suggesting in this case, it's not like I'm gonna replace my son. It's not that. And I'm not, but as human beings, we wanna be mated with others. And so it's very common to feel, have feelings for our previous partner. So what's most important, we can have compassion, doesn't necessarily mean we have to choose to go on that, doesn't mean we have to get on the road to travel together in relationship. You don't have to do that. What you can do is have compassion and love for this person and choose a partner who's capable, ready to invest in a relationship. I don't know how old he is, but that's just my observation and my invitation on that one. Thank you so much. By the way, am I making a difference in your life? Please purchase a super sticker, super chat. I'd love to have you invest in my scholarship fund for folks. If I'm making a difference right now, please purchase a super sticker, super chat. Just let me know that I'm making a difference right now. Thank you so much. I really appreciate that. All right, Arlene says he was 59. So he's still got plenty of years left, Arlene, in him. He may not be your guide, but just recognize that he's going through pain. All right, Ryzen Shine says, I appreciate your authenticity and sensitivity. Thank you so much, Ryzen Shine, I appreciate that. All right, if we have a question, Linda. Oh, thank you, Linda. I really appreciate that very much. Thank you so much. Gretchen says, thoughts and prayers for you, Jonathan. I believe you'll see Connor again soon when you pass over to the other side. Actually, folks, I believe time is an illusion and he just passed away yesterday and I'll be meeting him tomorrow from a time perspective. So thank you so much. I do feel that way. Maria says, Jonathan talks about so many things off and on and times gives perfect examples that I would never even thought of to answer so many things, I've wondered. Thank you, Maria and thank you, I appreciate that. Sol says, I love your genuineness, thank you so much. I appreciate all this. So if you have a question, post the word question. Oh, here we go, Lisa writes, question. Why would a man initiate the first break in the ice for physicalness in the early stages, i.e. kiss, but then shy away when the girl attempts it on the next day? Great question. So, biologically speaking, we men wanna get laid, we like physical connection. It's a very biological thing. I mean, I don't know how many women I've gone on a date I wanna kiss, but I may never wanna see again. I'm gonna tell you something, chemistry, folks. Chemistry is chemicals being released in our brain, dopamine, testosterone in women's cases, estrogen, oxytocin, it's released in our body that's like crack cocaine. I can't tell you how many times I want to fuck my brains out a woman and then after, and by the way, excuse my French. I mean, if that bothers you, but I'm gonna say, and afterwards I'm like, why don't I like this person anymore? I'm gonna repeat that, I've literally, it's kind of like we have so biologically driven to mate with someone and then all of a sudden I've been absolutely flabbergasted at myself going why don't I like this person anymore? And I didn't understand this until I started to study chemistry and until you understand how powerful chemistry can be, we can wanna kiss someone one moment and never wanna see them again. Ladies, this has happened to you and it happens to men frequently. I'm not saying it's right, I'm just saying this happens. That's all, doesn't make it right, it just happens. People with emotionally mature people and even as emotionally mature as I'd like to think I am and believe me folks, let me be clear about something. Do not hold me to any standard of being the quintessential guy. I am riddled with flaws, I'm riddled with insecurities. I mean, my values don't align with everybody else's. I'm not perfect and a lot of you act that way and I appreciate all the accolades I really do but I'm a mess just like everybody else. It's called being human, just like that track athlete that can't go to the Olympics. She said, I'm just human on what happened. Most men are not bad guys, they just don't understand this and until I learn this. And just like in the case of the man that asked the question, let me just share this. At least he's being an integrity not having sex with someone. It takes a tremendous amount of self-control not to wanna lean in and kiss a woman when we're so fucking driven to do it. And then we might realize that they're not the right person for us or we don't wanna make a promise we can't keep. I'm gonna repeat that. We don't wanna make a promise we can't keep and what that means is we don't wanna pursue something if our subconscious knows they're not the one. Let me repeat that. The subconscious knows they're not the one. That's where we oftentimes get blocks. Okay, this is an important piece to listen to right now. Ladies, men have a virtue button in their subconscious. They have a virtue button in their subconscious. I truly believe this. Most men, not all men. Many men, let me repeat that. Many men have a virtue button in their subconscious. When we know we're not gonna go the distance with someone, we begin to pull away, we begin to take space, we act wishy-washy because we are conflicted between what feels like, like it's a subconscious virtue and what I mean to say is we don't wanna lead you on anymore. Now I know this is really counterintuitive and it's frustrating, but folks until you study human behavior, this is why I recommend reading all these books when you understand that humans are riddled with flaws. Do you know the number one emotional health issue facing almost everybody is I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable and I'm not likable. That's most everybody, most human beings. We are conflicted on the inside. By the way, the book, The Untethered Soul. I really want you to read this book. In fact, I was listening to it this morning. Chapter, I wanna read you. Chapter one, the voice inside our head and chapter two, your inner roommate. The voice inside your head and the inner roommate. Folks, we have a voice in our head that's constantly talking to ourselves and it's fucking confusing. It's absolutely confusing. We have conflicting thoughts all the time. You have it, I have it and everybody in this chat box has it. We have conflicting thoughts all the time. So when it comes to relationship, most of you ladies think whenever a man says is fact, I'm spitting right now, feelings aren't facts. Let me repeat that, feelings aren't facts. Feelings change all the time because there's a wide variety of feelings in life, okay? They're not facts, they're just feelings, okay? And this is where a lot of you get tripped up because you believe that when someone loves you, it means that you're right for one another. Let me just tell you, love doesn't solve relationship problems. Compatibility solves relationship problems. If you notice, I've talked lately about the iceberg, the iceberg, the top line says attraction and that says chemistry, okay? What does the bottom say? The big part of a relationship is compatibility, right here, compatibility, shared values, blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity. Do you see that? That's what matters most in relationship, not chemistry is important, but there's a whole bigger picture to understand if you don't study human behavior. There fact, I invite you to study human behavior. I invite you to read these books because an investment of one year of reading maybe 12 books will fucking change your life for the better. Start with my book, What the Heck Is Self Love? Anyway, link below. All right, I went on a rant there but thank you so much for that question, Lisa. All right, we're just gonna take one or two more questions before we wrap up today. All right, Terry says, women do the same things and pull away if a guy isn't the one to go the distance with, yes, women do this as well. This whole narrative that men are the bad guys, I'm getting fucking tired of it, women do it too. Sand writes, question, 11 years with a guy doesn't wanna marry me. He owns a house I pay monthly rent would be entitled to anything. He puts everyone else ahead of me. I deserve so much more. All right, folks, another perfect example of giving your power away is the relationship on his terms or your terms. If this is what you're experiencing and you're not happy, why are you with him? I get it, you have an investment together or whatnot but folks, you have a choice. Get busy living or get busy dying. Stop giving your power away. He'll never step up and choose you if you're choosing to accept bad behavior. Let me repeat that. He's never going to step up and choose you if you accept bad behavior. But that's on you. This is all on you. Yes, I understand he has bad behavior. You're accepting it is on you. Folks, see this finger pointing at you? You see the three pointing back at me? You gotta take ownership on your part and I'm sorry for yelling at you and I'm gonna give you a big, gigantic Jonathan Bear hug of love but here's the thing, sweetheart. Start loving on yourself because it doesn't sound like you're in the relationship that you should be. At least that's my perspective with that. Okay, Lisa says, you just confirm my concerns, thank you. Kelly writes, communication and understanding but I have to have an emotional and spiritual connection with someone. I agree Kelly, thank you. All right, this will be our last question for the evening. Question, do you think it's possible that most high quality, secure attachment style men in our age range just aren't on dating apps because they aren't doing, because they are out there doing their own thing, no offense? Abby, great question. Believe it or not, I'm gonna bet less than 20% of the single population over 40 years old is actually using dating apps. I would say roughly 50% of people aren't even actively of that 100%. 20 are on dating apps, 50% aren't actively even trying. That includes emotionally secure people out there. And then the other 30%, in my opinion, are wishful thinking. They're hoping that somehow magic fairy dust will change this narrative. Folks, the reality is at our age, look it, I work as an example, I work from home, I walk the beach, I barely talk, I have no clue who is a single eligible woman out there. In my world, I have no idea. Well, except for here on YouTube. By the way, anyone who's single wants to date me, post a comment below. Just kidding, just kidding, just kidding. Maybe I should start using YouTube to meet women. But my point is, unless you're around single eligible people and putting yourself out there to be seen by single eligible people, it's gonna be very hard to connect unless you're actively maybe in a church group or some other group where you're surrounded by single eligible people or maybe asking friends to connect to you. I believe the vast majority of people are a very small percentage are actively using dating sites and dating apps. Now, a lot of emotionally unhealthy people, okay, I was just talking about a lot of emotionally unhealthy people use dating sites and dating apps. In fact, the vast majority of emotionally unhealthy people are the ones on dating apps. But those emotionally secure, healthy, happy people, I'd say maybe 20% or 30% are using dating apps and the others are just hoping that they bump into their soulmate in some magical way. I'm more proactive and I prefer to put myself out there to put the odds in my favor. Let me repeat that. I look at dating apps, dating websites as a spoke in the wheel. It's just putting yourself out there to be seen by as many people and hopefully the right person knocks on your door. And in my case, I hope the right woman sends me an email saying, Jonathan, I wanna ask you out because that would save me time. All right, folks, I wanna thank you so much for allowing me to enter your lives today. This has been a really fun one. I'm just gonna remind you, he'll never step up or choose you if you're doing this. If you're giving your power away, which includes the relationship is on his terms, you're afraid to speak your truth. When the relationship ends, you focus on him, waiting for him to constantly initiate contact. Stop doing your things before you met this man and feeling like you can't live without him or thinking he's the only person you ought chemistry with. Just remember, the first 100 hours of dating, that face to face time, that six to 12 week period, drive your own car, okay? Take turns treating each other on dates, take turns calling each other. I know the book, The Rules, told you otherwise, don't listen to that bullshit, try my, listen, this is just a suggestion. You can try it out and see what happens. If it doesn't work for you, nothing ventured, nothing gained. And I hope you found value in today's livestream. And for those listening to the recording, I hope you found value as well. All right, everyone, this would be a great time to wrap up today. I wanna thank you all for the super stickers, super chats, you've been very generous. I really appreciate all of you. I appreciate those questions, great questions. We're gonna wrap up today as what we always do. First off, I'm gonna give myself a big, gigantic shot at the barrel of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear, a pillow, and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch, bye-bye now, bye-bye.