 The Aberdeen Costello Program starring Bud Abbott and Lou Costello, brought to you by Camel, the cigarette of costlier, properly aged tobaccos. The Aberdeen Costello Program with the music of Carl Hoffman, his orchestra, our singing star Amy Arnell, and spotlighting that chunky, chubby little cherub, who went caught putting corn in his Uncle Artie Stebbins pocket, because he heard him say he was going to meet a young chicken, calmly said. Costello, Costello, what's going on there? What's the idea of bringing that dog in here? Where'd you get him? I say, where'd you get that dog? Why bring him in here? You realize we're running a first-class pet shop. Now get that dog out of here. Oh, no, Aberdeen, I'm going to keep this dog. He's a genuine, wine airplane dog. An airplane dog? Yeah, just look at his tailspin. Oh, stop. Costello, where'd you get that broken-down flea hound? Aberdeen, how do you call this little dog a flea hound? He just took first prize at the cat show. Now, wait a minute. How could he take first prize at the cat show? He took the cat. Costello, you take that dog right out of here now. Remember that. We don't want any mongrels in here with our other animals. Aberdeen, don't make me chase this little dog away. He's taking a place of my other dog that died. His name was Corset. Corset? Corset? How did you happen to name the dog Corset? Because we tied him up in a daytime and we let him out at night. The dog you had, Costello, he was a duck shunt. Yeah. Wasn't he? Yeah, one of those long dogs. How did you happen to die? The sad tale, Aberdeen. What do you mean? Corset and going around a tree. It would be a shame to go anywhere with that much. Oh, no, Aberdeen. This dog has class. He goes everywhere. He was at the UNO conference. He likes to hang around the big tree. Uh-oh. Now, no more nonsense, Costello. Take it easy. Hey, honest, Aberdeen. He's a very smart dog. I'll prove it to you. Susie, how much is one-on-one? That's right, ain't it, Aberdeen? I just have him. Do you remember that famous dog, Strongheart? Yes. This is his brother, weak stomach. This is the kindest dog in the whole world. Notice how he's got his tail curled up? What's he doing that for? He lets the fleas loop the loop. Look, Costello, don't bring any more broken-down animals. He's a beauty! Are you listening to me? I don't want you to bring any more broken-down animals into this pet shop. Now, get busy around here. Now. Oh, answer that phone. And it Costello's pet shop. Mr. Costello, do you have a greyhound? Yes, I do. Why don't you get on it and get out of town? That was a peachy joke. Why don't you just pull it on of it? Hey, Aberdeen, do you have a greyhound? No, but I have a setter. You'll never get out of town that way. Look, Lowe, will you please stop this nonsense and get busy and clean up this pet shop before our customer comes in? By the way, what did you do with those newborn puppies? Oh, I put them in a dog incubator. We have no dog incubator. What's that can in the backyard that says deposit litter here? Tell me those little puppies will catch cold in the backyard. One of the puppies has a cold already. And put it in that long rubber tube. Place one in the tube in your mouth and one into the dog's mouth. You understand that? Yeah. And blow. That's no good. I already tried it. What happened? The dog blew first. Hello, Aberdeen Costello's pet shop. Who? Mrs. Pike? Yes, yes, I'll send Costello over there. What kind of a dog have you? Oh, a peek in these. Okay, Mrs. Pike. Costello, I want you to go over and get a peek at Mrs. Pike. Why can't I take a good look? Listen, you dummy, I want you to go after Pike's peek. What do you think I am? A mountain goat? Mrs. Pike's house for a peek in these. Aberdeen, how dare you suggest such a thing? I might glance at her wrinkles, but I would never peek at her knees. Why don't you go? I got to finish washing this dog. What dog? You know, that little white dog, that one that... Spits? No, but it drools a little. Don't remind that, Costello. I have to come back for Mrs. Pike's. I want you to take care of Mrs. Murphy's chow. A what? Her chow. How is Mrs. Murphy's chow? I don't know. I never raided her house. No, Costello, you're thinking of the chow you chew. A what? You chew, you chew, you chew, you chew. It's a pike. It's a pike. It's a... You catch a call, Aberdeen. I'm going to get that food and put it in your mouth. Oh, why did I ever go into business with you? You haven't done a thing in this pet shop since the day we opened it. Oh, no. This morning I put a cage in a front window, and it's attracting more customers than anything you've done around the place. A cage in the front window? What's in it? What's in it? Come here. I'll show you. Go load on that. Listen. What in the... What in the world is that? Two porcupines. Knacking. The United States is a big country, and it was a big job to survey the cigarette preferences of doctors from border to border and coast to coast. But recently, three leading independent research organizations tackled the job and did it. To 113,000 doctors, they put the query, which cigarette do you smoke? Figures were checked and rechecked, and the brand most named was Camels. Now this hardly comes as a rousing surprise to a camel smoker. He figures that doctors would enjoy the rich, full flavor and cool mildness of Camels' costlier tobaccos just as much as he does. But if you yourself aren't smoking Camels now, try them on your own tea zone. That's tea for taste and tea for throat, the true proving ground of a cigarette. Find out how Camels' superb blend of costlier tobaccos registers with your tea zone. According to a recent nationwide survey, more doctors smoke Camels than any other cigarette. And here's Carl Hall from the Camel Orchestra. We've come to Baby Dew. Busy now and take inventory of our animals here in the pet shop. I didn't count that little rabbit in the cobra. I'm in the mood for a long two lines. Thank you. Will you stop this, Castella, and wait on that man who just came in? Yes, sir. Okay. How do you do? I'll look it back in there. Talks and talks and talks for 24 hours a day. And when he gets tired of talking, I want him to scream at the top of his voice and call me all the names he can think of. What do you want with a parrot like that? Well, my wife's gone away and I'm lonesome. Well, we'll deliver the parrot in the morning. Now, can we call you a taxi? Oh, no thanks, buddy. I'll ride my pink elephant home. I'll run and jump on his back. Here I go. Miss him every time. Castella, do you hear me? What are you standing there looking in that cage for? See, this is cute, Abbott. What do you mean? Four little skunks are playing bridge. Four little skunks are playing bridge? Yeah, they're playing for a tenth of a cent. Hey, Castella, look who's coming in the door. Why, it's Pessime Mucho. Hello, Pessie. Hello, boys. I came in to buy a young wire-haired doogie. A young wire-haired doogie? Oh, Abbott, you know what a doogie is? That's a young poopie. For the little doogie, would you suggest a Siamese cork? Or some little white meese? For the doogie and a Toxicove. Don't bother, Miss Mucho. I'll bring it over myself on the soon-set boost. Very much. And a Buenos Notes to you. And a pair of old snowshoes to you, too. That's all right, Lossy. The pleasure was all mine. Goodbye. Here's our friend Scotty Brown. What can we do for you, Scotty? I used to have a dog, but dogs are such a sneaky lot. What do you mean, dogs are sneaky? Well, my neighbor used to throw meat over the fence to the dog, and the darn dog would beat me to it every time. I get them home to my wife. I've got a box here for a nice box of fresh marshmallows. Scotty, I can't imagine you buying marshmallows for your wife. Oh, it's the thriftiest candy I can buy. Before my wife eats the marshmallows, she powders her nose with them first. Good day, Lossy. Oh, Castello, catch that cat and put him in a cage. What is he doing running all over the store to the other cats? Nothing, Abbott. I just sold him. He's going around breaking his engagements. Hurry up, Castello. Here comes Mrs. Niles. Mrs. Niles. No, Mr. Abbott, Mar, you have such a lovely pet shop here, but I just can't help laughing at the stuffed baboon in the front window. Oh, pardon me, that's Castello. Lossy, you have company with you. Who are those two people looking over your shoulder? Me, that's your ears. Quiet. Quiet, Castello. What can we do for you, Mrs. Niles? Well, I'm going away for the weekend and I want to leave my little dog to board with you while I'm away. Come here to Lula and say hello to the boys. What kind of a dog is that, Mrs. Niles? She's a Doberman Pinscher. A Doberman what? Pinscher. Pinscher. What are you doing? You're calling a pinscher. Will you behave yourself, Mrs. Niles? This dog doesn't look like a full-blooded Doberman. Well, I paid $1,000 for the dog. She's part of Doberman and part of Bull. What part is Bull? The part about the $1,000. Wow! Look, if it comes out. I'll come back here with the police and close up this place. This dog is just like my own little baby. Aren't you, darling? Yes, mother. From time to time on this program, salutes have been offered to the great men of medicine, the doctors who have done so much in the service of mankind. Tonight is not a man of medicine, we salute, but a woman, the first woman in America to receive the proud degree M.D. Her name, Dr. Elizabeth Blackwell, who bravely battled the prejudices and rock-bound tradition against women as doctors in the 19th century. So to Dr. Blackwell and to the women doctors who followed her, including the 7,250 practicing in the United States today, this respectful salute. The makers of camels take an understandable pride in the standing of this cigarette in the medical profession. When the query, what cigarette do you smoke, doctor, was extended to 113,000 doctors, both men and women, by three leading independent research organizations, the brand most named was Camel. According to a recent nationwide survey, more doctors smoke camels than any other cigarette. Tonight, Camel's lovely Amy Arnell will help you to favor it. You won't be satisfied until you break my heart You'll never satisfy until the tear drops I tried to shower you a cry I'll bet you Teach the dog by imitation. What do you mean, imitation? Well, if you want the dog to sit up, you sit up first and show him how it's done. Oh, I did that. I showed the dog how to sit up. What happened? The dog patted me on the head and stuck a dog that's getting my mouth. Put that dog out in the kennel in the backyard. No. She nearly froze up there last night. Don't be silly. It wasn't cold last night. Oh, no. Well, at midnight, she came in and put on a suit of my long underwear. You idiot. How could a dog wear a suit of your long underwear? She found out how to work those hinges. Hey, look, Costello. It's Mrs. Niles French maid, Fifi Leblanc. Oh, hello, Monsieur Rabbit, and you cute little man, Monsieur Costello. Fifi, come here and kiss your poor old father. I'll pretend you love me, Monsieur Costello. You'll never give me anything. Gee, I wouldn't know what to give you. You have so much of everything. And besides, I... Didn't I take you to Syros last night? Yes. But why didn't you take me inside? Well, listen, you two, we have work to do around here. Is there anything we can do for you, Fifi? Oh, yes. I have a message for Mrs. Niles. She forgot to get a license for her dog Tallulah. Well, we'll take care of it right away. Costello, take Mrs. Niles' dog down to the city hall and get a license. Fifi, will you drive me down to the city hall? Costello, you have your own car. Why do you want to ride with Fifi? Don't mind him, folks. He still believes in the Easter Bunny. Costello, get out of here and get that dog license. Okay. Hello, Marriage License Bureau. Oh, hello, Mother. Yes, I'll be home for dinner early tonight. No, there aren't many people coming in for the marriage licenses today. I guess all the girls are waiting to become June brides. Oh, I have to hang up, Mother. A young man just came in the door. Goodbye. Good afternoon. Is this the place where you get a license? Yes, it is. Where is the lucky little girl? Oh, she's out in the hall. She's sniffing around. Well, a lot of them don't like the smell of the place. It's a pretty old building. Now, what are your names? My name is Luke Costello and her name is Tallulah. I bet she's happy that you're getting the license. Uh-huh. She licked my hand. Licked your hand? Yeah, then she leaned down and drooled on my shoe. She certainly must love you. Uh, what does she look like? She's a sort of chocolate brown. I suppose she spends a lot of time in the sun. Uh, tell me more about her. Is she the dainty time? Not exactly. Her ears are too long. They hang down on her food when she's eating. You're kidding now. Oh, no. We have to pin her ears on top of her head with a clothespin. Well, as long as you love her, I do hope there'll be some little ones. Yeah, and if there is, I'm going to keep all the males. What? I'm going to keep all the males. What about the females? I'll give them to the neighbors. This people's own business, what they do. Now, for the final question, how old are you? I'm 28. How old is Tallulah? I think she's about six or seven. Mr. Costello, are you a hillbilly? I'm sorry, she's much too young. Now you'll have to bring her father and mother in. I can't do that. Her mother ran away with a boxer. And the last we heard of her father, he was hanging around the back door of the backstage bar eating out of the garbage cans. Doesn't she have any other relatives in town? Yeah, she had nine pups last month. Oh! Oh! What's wrong with her? Costello, I'm glad you're back. Mrs. Niles is here and wants her dog. Yes, Costello, where is Tallulah? A terrible thing happened. I left the dog outside the license bureau, and when I came out, she was gone. Gone? Why, you little idiot? I'll sue you for this. I'll... Just a minute, just a minute, Mrs. Niles. I'll get you another dog. I'll get your bird dog. Oh, what do I want with a bird dog? I have no bird. Well, then I'll get your sled dog. I have no sled. I'll get your bloodhound. Try and get out of that one. My dog by midnight tonight. I'll have you send to Alcatraz. Remember? Gee, Abbott, I can't walk any further. We've searched every street in this town. Here we are now, way out in the country. We'll never find that dog in the dark. Yes, we will. Just stay close to me. Oh! Costello, that sounded like a wolf. It can't be a wolf. We're too far from Hollywood and Vine. Hey, look, Costello. Here are dog tracks. They lead down this path to the old deserted house in the trees. I'm not going to that house, Abbott. Everybody says that house is haunted. Now, don't start that stuff, Costello. I told you before that a ghost is nothing but a myth. A myth? Yes. You know what a myth is, don't you? Yeah. A myth is an unmarried girl. Oh. What are you talking about? It's not going to the door. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. There's a sign on the door. What does it say? A ghost of blood. Abbott, let's get out of this place. I'll open the door. Come on. Let's go in. She is talking here. What's that noise, Abbott? That's nothing but an old clock ticking. Sure. That's all it is. Just an old clock. What was that? 1130. Oh. It was just a street child someplace. Call the dog, Costello. Call the dog. Oh! That was your record, you dummy. Try it again, you'll see. Come on. See, Costello, try it again. But I'll see you later. Come back. Come back here, Costello. That was the little barking. The barking came from that closet. I looked in the door and you catch the dog when she comes out. Go ahead. And you've got your wife's dog with you. Watch behind all this, Ken. Speak up. What are you up to? All right. All right. I'll tell the truth. Come on. Call the truth. I gotta tell somebody. Come on. Call us. You see, my wife is a vegetarian. Every day in our house is a meatless day. Broccoli, cauliflower, string beans, and parsley. Oh, this guy's a regular victory garden with suspenders. And finally, I couldn't stand it any longer. The vegetables were driving me crazy. At last, my mind snapped. Why did you bring the dog to this deserted house? I didn't bring her here. She followed me. That's silly, Niles. Why should the dog follow you? I stole her bone. I'll take her ass in just a moment. And now, tonight's salute to the men in the armed forces who won through to victory. Tonight, we hail the men of the 89th Middle West Division, heroes of Bingen, Eisenbach, and Central Germany, who overran scores of Nazi cities and captured more than 20,000 prisoners. Since the beginning of the war, the makers of camels have sent more than 150 million free camels to our fighting men overseas. But now, with demobilization in progress, free camels are sent to servicemen's hospitals instead. This week, the camels go to U.S. Army, AAF Regional and Convalescent Hospital for George Wright Spokane. U.S. Naval Hospital Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. U.S. Marine Hospital Galveston, Texas. Veterans Hospital St. Cloud, Minnesota. And Veterans Hospital Tuscaloosa, Alabama. In your honor, men of the Middle West Division. Amel Broadcast, go out to the United States twice a week. Our rebroadcast to practically every area in the world where our men are stationed and to our good neighbors in Central and South America. And now, here are Bud and Lou with the final word. Well, Castello, you finally solved the case of the missing dog. Ah, but that was nothing. Ladies and gentlemen, if you will wait until after the program, I'll tell you about how I helped J. Edgar Hoover capture a ring of spies. Don't know, my friend! Hey, look, Lou. Castello, it's your old friend, Mullen Head, sitting in the audience. How do you like that? I thought the moon was coming up. Sister, if I'm trying to make people think, give them the impression that you're smart and intelligent. You couldn't even give me the answer to the most elementary riddle. I'll try you. What's the difference between a girl, a soldier, and a water pistol? I don't know. All right, a soldier faces a potter and a girl potters her face. Watch the water pistol for her. That's for a little squirt like you. Good night, folks. Good night. Good night, Debbie. For another great, evident Castello show, brought to you by Camel Cigarette. And remember, try camels in your tea zone. See if they don't shoot your taste, your throat, to a T. C-A-M-E-L-S. Year after year of all pipe tobaccos in the world, more pipes smoke Prince Albert than any other. For Prince Albert is choice tobacco, crimped, cut, and especially treated for the removal of tongue bite. Try Prince Albert, the national joy smoke in your pipe. Saturday night, be sure to listen to Prince Albert's Grand Ole Opry. You'll hear Red Foley, Grand Ole Opry's sensational new singer. He's got a voice that's romantic as moonlight on the mountains, warm as southern hospitality. And the way Red Foley sings our great American folk songs makes mighty fine listening. Remember Grand Ole Opry, Saturday night on NBC with a duke-a-pa-duke, mini-pearl, and Red Foley. Millions of men, women, and children in Europe and Asia today face starvation. You can help by eliminating all waste of foods in your home, by turning in all of your used facts, and by producing and preserving all food possible through home gardening and canning. Share a meal, save a life. Be sure to listen at this very same time next week for another Abbot and Costello show for Camel Cigarettes. Thursday night is all-star night on NBC. Stay around now for Rudy Valley over most of these stations. This is Ken Niles in Hollywood, wishing you all a pleasant good night. This is NBC, the national broadcasting company.