 Rydw i chi i chi'n meddwl i'r platforma hwnnw, i ddechrau chi'n gweld y gwelwch nesaf i'w gwelwch. A rwyf wedi gwieithio i'n meddwl y gweithio'r masygl gweithio. A dyna'r ffordd o'r modd i chi'n meddwl i'r modd y cerdd yn ymddangos. Mae'r gweithio i'r boblion, rwyf wedi bod yn gweithio'n meddwl i'r prif, ac mae'n meddwl i'ch ei wneud. Felly, mae'n dweud fath i ddymau ni chi'n gobeithio i gael'r lle i rai'u gael eu teulu'u gweithio ac mae'n dweud i'r ddaf nhw i ddwyfain cwm iawn o'n dweud a'r mowr a'r gweithio, a'r gweithio ag ydyn nhw wedi'i ganddo, ac mae'n gweithio i gweithio i ddoeithio a'r ddweud i ddweud achos' fel ystod modd llai, yn yr wych ac yn eu penderfyn wnaeth yn ei sengfynhau ac yn yr wych. If it goes to the toilet I'd be like, Where you going? What're you doing? I'm going to the toilet, I stand by the toilet, What are you doing? Why are you leaving me? You're fucking nuts! Why are you leaving me? Where are you going? What I'm going to the toilet cell? I'd be like, Don't be too long! My mum walks in to one of my apartment Once and I wrote in blood, Die, Sally die on the wall. Like it was normal. Just sitting there having a cup of tea, mae ddweud hynny yn gobeithio gyda'r ddweud. Ac oedd mae'n ffordd yn gwneud y rhwngau. Felly mae'n gweithio'r gwasiat a mae olygu'n ddweud fel ydw i. Ond dyna eich bod yn überiadu i ni fel yn rwyntbeth. Ond oedd wedi bod yn angen i roi'r wyled. Mae'r wyled, ond yn cyffredin, nid oed. Ond yn y gallu, yn maen nhw ymddai. Well, I thought, oh my god, I'm not going to see the kids grow up, I'm going away. Ben, we're on! And today's guest, we've got DJ Sally Axel. How are you? I'm good, thank you. I'm a bit of a bit nervous coming on here. That's all you should be. You've released a book, Crazy Bitch? Yep. I think that's probably a true representative of you. Bit of an upcase. Well, I think people think I am. I think I've got two layers to me. I think obviously I'm a no shit, a techno shit kind of person. And also, I've got like a sensitive and more side. But I think when it comes down to it, I'm crazy bitch. It's quite authentic. So you've got your big brother. The most recent one obviously when you stabbed your ex-boyfriend. Partying, stabbed him. I didn't part. I wasn't partying, I was just in the house on my own. I was really manically depressed at the time but. And it went viral, your kids there, you lost custody of your kids. But we'll go through all that. Let's get a better understanding of you. Go right back to the start. Where you grew up and how it all began. Well, I was born in Chester. And my mum and dad were married. And then they were in quite a volatile relationship. My mum just decided to get up and leave him. So we moved to Newcastle where my grandma and grandpa were. We were always moving when I was a kid. I went to, I think I went to like eight or six, seven primary schools. Five, four high schools. So I was like quite not a person who was used to sticking around. And it was good until I was a teenager. I mean, my past was really, really nice. I remember my mum being nice when we were kids and we were doing those nice things. But I think when I went to high schools when I went downhill in my life, it was just horrific. Why? Bullying. I got badly, really badly bullying by girls, horrifically. Like I remember going out into the park and the dinner time and someone, the mall jumping on me that much that I had to pretend to have an epileptic fit to make them think I was going to die to stop battering me. Because it was that, it was grow up fast kind of thing. And because I was, I didn't have the same accent as everyone because everyone had either a birken head accent or quite scous-ish. You know, scousers would say that it's not a scous, but they had a very strong accent accent. I speak quite well spoken by then. So I think it was, I was a bit pinpointed. Yeah. What was the, how long were you getting bullied for? So I was bullied all the three years seven. I had, I was really, really skinny then because I stopped eating and I was very, very slight eight and nine. I went to another school, got my nose broken, had to get it re-broken, reset. The girls all had lighters in their hands. It was over the, just jealousy a lot of the time as well. And in year nine, 10, I fought back. Yeah. And I started trying to not be a bully myself. I just tried to not take any crap as much, but it was bad. Tryna defyng yourself? Yeah, for the first time I had a mouth more. I used to take things out on my back at home. So all of the bullying in school, I would be like quite, quite reserved in school. And then I'd go home and be like aggressive to my family. Didn't want to be here. Was suicidal for most of my teenage live childhood. I mean, to the point I was sectioned twice. And I wasn't just sectioned in like a normal hospital. It was like an adult's mental hospital. Cos back in the 2000s, the way they are now with child mental health and you can just say, oh, just child's depressed. This child's this, that wasn't heard of when I was in school. I was just known as being naughty. Not a good, obviously, someone's attention seeking a lot of the time. When realistically I was diagnosed with histronic and borderline personality disorder. I did very young age when I was sectioned. So was that spot personality? No, histronic and borderline personality disorder are caused by trauma in your life. I believe that quite a lot of it's due to a separation anxiety because of I didn't really feel like I had a family unit. And also the bullying, I felt very lost as a person. And I didn't know who I was. So it was really horrible. I mean, to the point of I tried to kill myself in school. I remember going to school and then going to the Asda and just walking out back in the days with those like knife. No, knife, I wasn't as bad, you know what I mean? And just going out with a kitchen knife and just literally going to a cemetery and slitting my wrists and being found there. It's just. You try to kill yourself or you try to get attention? I think I was trying to get attention now looking back at it. I would have said I wasn't at the time, but I think I just wanted to feel love. I really want stability and love. And my mum didn't know how to deal with me because she's my mum's brilliant. She's a brilliant grandparent and amazing. Like she's truly my best friend now. But back in the days, I was just foreseen as naughty and rebellious when really I was actually severely mentally ill, which is it's like crazy. And I had to think that they put me in an adult mental hospital like with Schizophrenics and Benhamann. I'm a year 10 in school and they've put me with like 30, 40 year old Schizophrenic. There was a man who thought he was Michael Jackson hiding under my bed. I swear I was getting changed and all I had was like, what looked into my bed? There's a man with a white glove under my bed. Like I'm laughing, but it's great. Do you know what when I tell people the story? I mean, when I was in there, I was kind of so scared, but I kind of like because of my mental illness, I was kind of playing around that. I think I've seen it more like I wasn't taking it in properly. And now it's like so traumatic thinking about what I was like. And I remember telling them we were allowed like an hour out in the garden. I was like, maybe a Schizophrenic woman, a woman who'd throw and really severe cases of mental illness because you got locked in. And I was like, come on, we've got to escape and go to the pub. So I got like few of them. We all escaped and went to this class of Bridgend on the Whirl. And we went to this pub and I was sitting there flit with the men because part of my personal sort of historic is I was overly sexual and not in like I had sex, but I like to be sexually and people to be attracted to me sexually, which was weird at a young age. So I was like flirting with the men, getting them to buy me beers and these these four of our women. Or I think one was a man of I can't really remember precisely, but they were sitting there in the corner of the pub and I'm playing pool with all these builders. And the next minute I look, I'm like, can't you want my number and all this or whatever I was saying, flirting away for half a lager in line. And the next minute this big bus with Clatterbridge mental hospital just pulls into the car park. I thought, shit. Slot something out one floor over the cuckoo's nest. Was people buying you a drink then? You were only 15. Yeah. So I started clubbing when I was like 13. I remember like being in my school uniform and I had double G boobs. So I was like really big boobs. And I remember going into the weather spoons and know the Yatesies or something in Liverpool and don't go and give me your uniform. I was like, I've dressed as Britney Spears. They were like, I was like, it's fancy dress, but it wasn't. It was my actual uniform. And I think I got taken advantage of a lot by men and peers and stuff because I was very easily led by males. And not that I was sleeping with them, but I was in very scary predicaments. Like I'd be in cars and on chasers and with a lot of drugs and drinking at very young ages and houses of crack houses and stuff like that. Hanging around thinking I was cool, but I wasn't cool. I wasn't cool at all, but I was very now looking back. It's like very taken advantage of, to be honest. Of course, man. You were only 14, 15. Yeah. What were you sexually active at that age? I lost my virginity when I was year nine in year nine. But it was just so. So how old was you then? So I was 14, just 10, 14. So young, though. Very young. I wouldn't and would never let my daughter ever even leave my house at that age. But I was with the same lad for a few years anyway. And we lost our virginities together and stuff like that. And it was to the same age. Now he was older, but it was to Robson and Jerome. Oh, my love, oh, my love. Charmin. Lovely. But I was then put my mum couldn't cope with me. So she put me in a hostel like this hospital called Penbroke courts. It's like I'm on the world. And I was in there with like it's a halfway house for like people out of prison. But I was only in year 11 in school. So I had to grow up very fast. I was on income support and I was having to get myself to school in year 11, which I just didn't bother doing because I was like, why would I want to go to school? So you have to sign people in and out. And it was just a grow up very, very fast. And I was in the middle of rock ferry. And there was a lot of bad people around me. And it was it was it was sink or swim. It was like you fight or you're going to get bad. It's kind of kind of like living in a hostel. I would never think of my children to be able to go into that. I wouldn't even want them to even see that. Were you drinking or taking drugs then? Yeah, I was just going with the flow, I think of life. And it was always going on with the rap, the boy about town. And then when I left school, I'm just for to fuck it around here. Like I didn't want to be around here around Liverpool. And I just decided to move to Ibiza to be a stripper. So it was like. How long were you in the running band for? How can you be in the running band at 14, 15? Cos an adult one. So now looking back. Is that how fucked up you were? I know it wasn't. There wasn't ever any option for children's one. I think I went through such a traumatic experience with child mental health that like it it has totally traumatised me. And I think how the hell could they let because I was a child. Like if you look back now, I was a child. I wasn't I wasn't a grown adult. I wasn't thinking and I was with. I was really it's seriously. I mean, there was a woman in there. I was like, well, two or three stone or whatever. Skinny, but through anorexic. And then I was with another one who lost a son. Another one was let her throat like suffisibly another one who thought all their teddy bears were children, her children. Like, but I was just this girl who was suicidal. I didn't fit in and I just had always had an urge. I wanted to not be here or all the way through my adolescence. Be sir, say the one there. What? Be sir, say the one there. Yeah. Be sir, say the watch. Yeah. Every one minute up. So this was after the runaway time. This is the second time and they would do one minute up. So I wasn't allowed to be not watched for every one minute of the day. I wasn't allowed in my room. They put me in a segregation room. And I had a mattress on the floor. I wasn't allowed any blankets because it gets on myself of them. And that's why it's weird because I don't even speak about it because it's so it's just bringing it back up. But a woman would sit at the door and she'd just watch you for the whole day, like for the whole day and you'd be dosed off your heads with drugs and stuff. How did the staff treat you? Really, really nice. They were nice. They knew I think they knew I was too young to be in there. There was no other people my age in there. And I remember thinking, well, why is my family let me come here? Like, why? But I don't believe that they knew how to deal with you. I don't think it was it wasn't a spoken about back then. It was it was like a taboo. Charmental health and really wasn't something people. What about your dad? My dad has been an on-off relationship for our whole life and I don't speak to him now and I probably won't speak to him again. It's not deep. I don't believe that blood is makes anyone extra special in your life. I believe that it comes with respect and trust. And honouring somebody. And if you can't show me that, it doesn't matter if you're blood or not. Like, that's the way I treat it. How does your mum see it now? But a regret or does she understand it? She understands me a lot more now. You need to tell her? Yeah, I think my mum was like, I spoke to my mum about it and like my mum is like such. I think whatever she didn't do when I was cos I was hard work. Like I was to the point of like my mum would say get up for school. I'd go downstairs and smash her car windows to not go to school. And they'd have to like I'd run away all the time and she'd have to like hide my clothes so I wouldn't run away. Like it was it was bad for them. It was so traumatic for my mum. Mum just didn't know what to do. So I think my mum understands now it wasn't. I wasn't just being attention seeking or naughty. It was more I was mentally ill and that's and that is what it is. And I think now I've come to him when my mental illness I used to hide it from everyone and now I'm so open about it and it feels weird, but it's part of me. And I'm just very proud of who I am and proud of having it because without that, I wouldn't be me and my personality. So what age did you go to Ibiza? Ibiza I went 2004, 2005 and 2003, 2004 and 2005. What age? 16. So very young as well, fucking off. I fucked off, yeah. Stripper. Stripper. Naked. Very young age. Naked. Everything. Naked. And how was that experience? At the time I thought I was the G. I thought, yes, I'm making so much money here. Like no of my friends. My friends are working. My friends are still living at home and being probably nurtured and getting the bills paid and all that. And I'm like living with 22 year old people and stripping on a nighttime and got like hundreds and hundreds of pounds. And I was money orientated like I was like this and I was really quite clever in school and stuff, but there was no way I was going down an educational route approach. I wanted to make money. I didn't want to be in that place. I wanted to be as successful as I could be. How was it then? Did they know your age, 16? They found out and I got sacked on the second year. Yeah. And they were fuming. It was in Gorm's garage. I should say that because they were already closed down, I think then. But and the man when he found out was a bit disgusted, to be honest. When you're 16, you think you're a fucking woman. You think you're I'm the woman. I'm what I can do this. And better than mine, I wasn't just a normal 16 year old who's getting her ass wiped. I was I was paying my own bills. I was paying my own life like anything I had was bought by me. Like, do you know what I mean? And you're partying heavy then at 16? Yes, very heavy. And wow, I think there was a bit of a blur. Like probably I was badly. Yeah, dad felt just always partying, always off my head. Did you feel free there that you were a whale that you were kind of escaping from the reality I got bullied a bit in Ibiza, actually, on the first year again. A group of girls did the same thing again. And my actual long term best friend now, she's called Nina, she actually said, no, you're moving in with us. And she's Scottish, actually. And she's the best. She's from Falkirk, so yeah. I wouldn't say they were the best. No, no, no, no. She had she used to drink books, book fast. I'd say book fast to make it into ice lollies. But she just taught me under a wing to this day. She still takes me under a wing, to be honest. Do you think then, why did you think you've become a target for so many people? Were you outspoken, were you aggressive yourself? Was a bit of jealousy, what was it? I think I was needing acceptance and reassurance all the time because I've worked out like part of my personality disorder is I don't deal with situations the way normal people do. So if back to the corner, I don't handle rejection very well. So I'm more needy and I think I should go out with like absolute, what I said used to, it's only been recently I've stopped. Absolute fucking loombos like. But so will do you? No, yeah, I think but I think I think I've got worse as the time went on because I think I'm actually attracted, not attracted, yeah, to red flags in the past. Like you get like pulled some red flags out. I'd be like, oh my God, he's for me. I'm on for you. My mate used to bring me go, oh my God, this guy's got about 10 red flags. He's definitely your type. I'll be like, yeah, definitely. I don't know what it was. I just to try and like think I could help people. Like if someone's seen someone as the worst person, I'll go, oh no, I think he's lovely. I think he's amazing. Like I don't know why, but I and then I'd be like completely controlled and because I like being co-dependent, so I like to have someone constantly with me at all times. So this is what I've been having a therapy for actually that I shouldn't feel like this is why I'm on my own at the moment because it's no good. I get like if they go to the toilet, I'd be like, where are you going? What are you doing? I'm going to the toilet. I go, I'm standing by the toilet. What are you doing? Why are you leaving me? You're fucking nuts. You're like, why are you leaving me? Where are you going? I'm going to the toilet, Sally. I'm like, don't be too long. So major abandonment issues. Major, like I've probably had about a million red flags too, like fucking sit together. We were just like, whoa. So every relationship's basically been explosive? Yes. I'm trying to think of any. The ones that I don't remember probably weren't. The ones that didn't mean anything probably weren't explosive, but I think the major, I've only ever loved one person, my ex, who obviously that incident happened with. He literally, that was game over, like no one else matters. When I met him, it was like, whoa, like that was it. How long you're in Ibiza for? I was in Ibiza for three seasons. So I came home in the winter. Why? Well, my grandma died in the second season, I think it was. And I had a bit of a traumatic experience over there with, like just, it was all getting a bit crazy over there. So a lot of people were on crack over there as well, like to be honest. And it wasn't just like cocaine and ecstasy and stuff like that. The people who were there all the time, who were living over there was getting really, really heavy. It was like a different kind of group. I was going into Ibiza for time, waiting for different kinds of drugs to come in and then come in and take them on the villas. And someone's stuff got robbed. And there was only a few people in here. It was just getting dodgier and dodgier. And I remember ringing my mum going, thinking if I'm going to die, like I have to write the name of who it is underneath my bed. And I'm thinking I'm 17 years old, I shouldn't be dealing with this shit. And so, yeah. Rheswesidol yn Ibiza. What was it like after I come down and shit? I don't remember it coming down, because I think I was just off my hands every day. Did you take any education from over there? No, I've been on and off. Medication has been a bit of my downfall. So they started me on Churchill. I think it was Propanol or Churchill. I can't remember which one it was. I had a very young age in my adolescence, teenagers. And I didn't take it. You have to take it every single day, otherwise it makes you more suicidal. And I remember taking some days, then I tried to kill myself on 20, 30 tablets. And then I think my mum walked into one of my apartments once and I'd wrote in blood, die, sally, die on the wall. Like it was normal, just sitting there having a cup of tea. But my mum must have been like, the fuck is this girl on? I should just be off the rictor scale. But that's perfect, maybe, because everybody's fucking off the chat over there, so they'll fit in and people may have thought you were normal. Do you know what made some good friends there? And then I just, when it was like, it was just a fucking great event. How did all the people treat you and I before? So when I met the Scottish girl, Nina, everyone was sad to know what would mess with her. Everybody scared of her? Yeah, no one would mess with her. What did you do when you came back? When I came back, I was doing a new castle as a stripper. And then I, what did I do? Oh, I just decided to go, what did I do? Oh yeah, before that, oh yeah, so I'm just trying to think now. I was a stripper and then I decided I didn't want to be with men anymore, so I started going out with a girl for like a year and a half called Anna. And moved to a Grand Canaria to be a singer. In the Casino Royale show. Can you sing? Well, I don't think I should have got the star rolls. No, but they give me it. But yeah, I always landed on my feet, like it was weird. I was quite charming as much as I was damaged. I was charming for probably part of my disorder. I could probably. But yeah, no. So you end up fucking lesbian? Lesbian, then I got close. But then what else? I spoke to my mummy. I didn't really speak to my mum. How was that relationship? Being with a girl compared, was it still volatile or was it more karma? How was the volatile one? So weirdly, I turned into the more like the perpetrator. I think I was a bit aggressive too, actually. She was really, really lovely. She proper sorted me out. She looked after me all the time. She was older and she was a nice, nice, really nice girl. She always beats me now, like. So what happened when you came back from Grand Canaria? I then decided I wanted to have a baby. As you do on it? No, I see all my stuff in my life. I've kind of planned what I wanted to do. So I went backpacking around Thailand and then we met my child's father. Was that when you met Thailand? Yep. And how long was that relationship? Five years. How was it, the five years? There must have been love at the start, though. There must have been. There was definitely love and obviously I was married. I got married in the early 20s. Both to, yeah. So I got married in my early 20s, which I wore the most vile 60-pound monsoon dress. How many times have you been engaged? A few times. But mainly, do you know what? I never got engaged to my ex-husband. I got just married to him. And then a few years later, we got engaged a year later. We got engaged after. We got married because he was military and we had to, obviously, we had to get married to move in a house. So that was pretty simple. I was so isolated, though, in that relationship because I moved on to Plymouth. The military wives did not like me at all. I was this tattooed girl walking round. I was such a rock chick as well. I'd be at Sonny's Bay Festival down. If I had piercens everywhere, I was just like, fuck you, all that kind of vibe. But me kid was just in black, big black bow and all this. So when did the relationship come to an end? 2012, so it was four years, actually, in relation to 2009 to 2012. What's that, three? Fuck's sake, three. Three. Many kids, you got one. Two. So who's the guy you stabbed? Oh, yeah. So that is my ex-Gerald. I don't know if I'll use his name. Well, yeah. So I met him in a brunch. We should have gone to that brunch, I know. And I just knew I was going to be with him. I remember going on my first date and he took me to... We took me out for a posh meal and I went, I just sort of went and I went, let's go somewhere else, you want to go meet local? So we went on the estate in the local pub and I thought, yeah, I'm in there now. He's taken me round his family. I thought he's not. He was just taking me in the pub down the road. But, you know, I was like, yeah, yeah. Took one outside to face with me. And I was like, I'm going to marry him. She went, you're going to be on a date? Because I'm like, no, I'm going to marry him. She was like, I'm just, no, I'm going to marry him. He's the one for me. And then I remember he was in his, we were like wrecked. And he wrote on me like SW, loves GW. And with Byrow. And I thought I'm not washing that off. I'm going to get that tattooed on me tomorrow. So I left him off. So I liked it when in the shower didn't put me foot in. I was like this. And then I am. Did you get it tattooed? Yeah. I got it going straight to the tattoo shop. Oh. How old were you? So I was 27. So you're quite older then? Yeah. And do you know what? I think for the first time I'd felt home. Secure. I felt I just, I felt for the first time in my life in love and really in love. Like, like, like didn't matter what he kind of did. I was kind of like. In awe? Yeah. And I think that's the reason that it's so painful because it feels like somebody which treated, treated or tried, I don't know, treated my heart with such, such just not kindness. And it was, it was, it was bad, yeah. Yeah. But again, they've worked both ways as well. They've been like, you're saying you love home. You want to get married straight away, get tattoos. So I was a part of you really loved that man. And obviously things always go wrong or else they don't end. So it can be difficult. But how was it then when that video went viral, when you're trying to stab him with the scissors and blood everywhere? What's going through your mind then? So on the day I remember I was sitting at home and I just felt he was speaking to the girls and he was moving on. And to be honest, I couldn't move on because as much as we were together or whatever, he was always involved in my life. I felt like he was always watching, like he was always going, well, let me look at your phone and stuff like that. So I didn't really move on. And I found a message. He's a message to some girl. And I remember just being distraught. Like absolutely because the one thing I thought with him was like he wouldn't cheat on me because he did love me. Like the lad, like didn't go out. He didn't even hang out with his mates for years. You know what I mean? He just didn't leave each other's side. And then I just felt so suicidal. I remember ringing him. I was like, I'm going to kill myself. And I'd said it a few times before. And do you know what? I felt like I had a nervous break. This is the first time I'd say in my whole life I've had a nervous breakdown. Like it was like my whole world was crashing before me. Like even though I had two beautiful daughters as well. And I should have been more appreciative towards them. But to me, he was just like I was losing the love of my life. And it was just, it was just a disaster in my head. The difficulty take. So the night then when you're doing that, was it both kids there in the living room? No, no, no. Just the one. I rang him up and he come round to check if I was OK. And he came in the bathroom and I had slipped my wrist. And I just wasn't, to be honest, I was not with it. I took a lot of sleep in tablet. I was off my head. I had to antidepressants. I was, I was, if I could pin point in a time in my life where I really wanted to die, I probably would be that time. So this is why it breaks my heart so much about the way he acted with it. Because for me, when he came into the room and was laughing at me and got out his phone instead of hugging me, that made me more like lose it. Because I felt like humiliated and it was like I'm at my final steps of. So you were at your wits end basically just trying to get attention. But again, if you're a nutcase, you've got to understand he's maybe wiped out his phone because you could have potentially said he done it or this. I think, but I think if you listen to the audio of that tape and I understand that totally in other cases and stuff like that. And you know, maybe in a slim fit that was it, but it wasn't. Cos it was it wasn't done in a way of I'm scared. It was done in a laughing. I'm going to tell everyone, you're not you want to still be with me. And the thing that breaks my heart is when I couldn't be a mother. He should have been a father and the baby was behind me. And I was gone in the head. Like if you look back on that video, if you don't know if you've seen the video. I'm demented, like I'm demented, but I still managed to get the baby out the room when it shows me that I still had clarity to know what was right and what was wrong. Whereas he just sat there and filmed. And I think the more work I've done on myself, I know completely like I really did the wrong thing. I shouldn't have acted the way I did. Like it's completely disgusting, especially when I'm a mother. And I should have dealt with things differently. But I also believe that in the place that I can't be a parent, I would hope that the other parent who is the sane man could have. But you know what, fair play for admitting that, babe. So how does that affect you then when your daughter grows up and sees that face? How does that fuck with your mind? So it's only recently that I've started thinking about about what's going to be and because we obviously my older daughter is going to high school and I'm like, shit. First it was like, oh, I'm doing only fans that's going to come up. But then there's a lot of mums that do that these days and age. And then I thought this video is so detrimental to my. So him post this is another reason like it because he blackmailed me with the video for a year. He told me he had the video for a year and he's continuously gone. I'm going to if I went out on a night out to go, I'm going to post it. I'm going to post it. So he knew the outcome of what the video was because I rang him millions of times crying and I'm going to lose the kids. I'm going to I'm going to have nothing. I'm going to have fucking nothing. The kids are going to go. They're going to go like how can you do it to your daughter? She's going to have no parents. They're not going to come to you. Honestly, I beg them. I beg them. And then now I'm angry a little bit sometimes because I think, wow, all our reactions have determined my child's school, adult life, school life because it's going to be seen in schools. It's going to be a reflection of us as a family. And it's going to be a hard, hard pill to swallow for my younger daughter, especially to watch herself in a film in a in a clip. And it breaks my heart. Like it literally it makes me want to make sure that this video is used. And this is another reason I did the book for a good example to stop to show people the toxic relationships on both parts are really, really bad for kids to see and they can be detrimental for years and years to come because I know it's going to cause I'm always going to be there. But it might cause psychological problems for what they have to deal with. Did you feel as if you're walking on eggshells then? It's like somebody's in a relationship with a girl. They've made it on a sex tape, obviously it's revenge porn, but you had that hanging over your head that it was still in a bit of control of you. Yeah, well, the day you did it, he must regret that release in that show. I don't know. He's never said, sorry, I would hope he does. I think he would regret it for what he's done to the baby. I would hope. But the day he did it, I begged him not to put it up. And he took my phone and he put it on my Instagram, which is the worst thing because I had so many followers on. It got re, what's it called, reposted like 10 million times five months. I can't remember how many, whatever the source is anyway, if it goes from my head. But it was the fact that the police were around so many times. And when the police came to that house, like I'm not an aggressive person, so I've never been in fights or anything like that. Now I'm getting done for a section 18, like... The 10th month that series, I saw what's that. It's under manslaughter and I'm like ruined him with intent. So they come into my house and obviously I'm like, they're looking for a weapon and I'm thinking, oh my God, they were like charging me. And I went, what am I getting charged with? They're like section 18. I was like, but what's a section 18? Like I don't know anyway. They were like it's under manslaughter. Well, I thought, oh my God, I'm not going to see the kids grow up. I'm going away. I thought, oh my God, so I went to the police station and they were going to me. This stupid solicitor who was just there for the duty one, was going, plead guilty. Plead guilty. And I thought, I don't know about this pleading guilty because I've been always taught to say no comment, no comment. Whatever, say no comment. Never, ever, ever say you've got any sort of evidence. You went, nah, your bank to write is a video there. You need to say no, you need to say you're guilty and then we'll bring it down to a, to a, what, what, what's on underneath him, like, I don't know, battery or whatever it was. And I thought, okay, I'll do that. So I got in the room and I thought, nah, something inside of me said say no comment and I just kept going, no comment, no comment. I thank the God I did because obviously it went and... As soon as you opened your mouth, you're fucked. Of course the video evidence is there. You might have known you needed time to go to court. I could have, yeah, I could have given, I could have made myself go away. So I'm so grateful that... What a shat lawyer. Who's his name? Don't use him, no one. Don't be using the duty solicitor in him. What does it say, Mary's? So what were you looking at then if you pleaded to it? Well, because of the domestic violence that had been in before, I reckon a jury or whatever, they would have put it down because there was a history of domestic abuse. But, and I was tormented for this relationship. So I think not that I'd gone to the police, this was another reason that it looked bad on me like within my court cases because I've never rang up and reported Gerard to the police. I don't know if that's his name, but so it was just hospital records and stuff like that. So if I'd said, if I'd done what that stupid man said to do, I reckon I would have gone, I reckon I at least got three years and I would have been devastated because for me like losing your children is the worst thing you can ever, ever, ever go through. It's like your morning. What I can describe it is it's like the, it's not like the dead, it's like morning or something. It's like, it's like I've got no purpose in life. So like I'll get up every day and like, I get so many trolls now saying, you're a shit mom, you're this shit, like honest to God, like that site that I don't want to even mention. Like the amount of stuff they say about me as a mother, they don't know the half it. I fight a battle every single day and I want nothing more in my life. I would never even go out with someone now. I am only concentrating on my children and my family being back together and that is it. You just try to rebuild. Listen, you're here to just, to people to get a better understanding of your past as well. You've had a fucked up past, you've been through a lot of shit, but you've still got to take full responsibility of your actions as well and what you did that night. You have to and you know what, it's not just responsibility for what I've done as a person. For me, it's the impact that I've got on my family, like my mum, my mum said to leave a job, you know what I mean now and my kids, my kids are going to have to go through school and do you know what, this day in Asian school, it's just hard, it's hard, it's fucking hard and I feel like I have not given them the best start because of that and it breaks me up. How was it then when did you find out you were losing your kids? Straight away, well you knew, you know. Was that? Yeah, you know, it's going to happen and I wanted to do, this is another reason I wanted to do this because I would hope that maybe they would watch this in the future and because I do believe that there's an explanation needs to happen and I believe that, I hope other people see this, that people make mistakes, we aren't just, we aren't perfect and do you know what, I call me to whatever you just want to call me but I literally made mistakes and I am trying to work to make them better and rectify them and I was literally broken to anything you can even imagine and I still now get up every day, try and build to make my life better for them and try and be stable and I think that's the main thing within mental illness to try and keep stable mind, keeping to your fitness, keeping to your healthy foods, try and keep organised because messiness can create more messy minds. So what you're doing, what's your daily routine like now? So I'm doing a 5am club which is absolutely amazing. It's just organised you because what the thought into it is, is that you are using your mind more while people are asleep so there's no distraction. So for the first four hours of the day till everyone really wakes up with a majority of people, you've already done all your stuff that you need to do. So my life is a lot about organisation, so a lot of lists, a lot of keeping focus because if I get in any way distracted, men distract me, so I stay away from them, definitely. And a lot of keeping fit, it's so important and I don't need meat, so I haven't eaten meat for five years now. For the benefits from it? Yeah, and my younger daughter doesn't eat meat at all and never has and she's so healthy and she's a lot healthier than what my older daughter was. So what was the steps then for losing your kids that video going viral? What's the steps then to building your family together again? I'm just on the right road. Everything's, I can't go into much a lot of detail because I don't want to jeopardise anything, so. But I'm on the right steps and working well. I've done everything. I've done a lot of therapy, cognitive therapy. I've done domestic violence counselling. I'm now doing a guest appearance on the DV course for the UK talking about my book because it is it is a traumatic experience and it is. It is. The book is about gaslighting. It's about it's about narcissistic behaviour traits. It's about red flags. It's about and I'm the queen of finding them red flags. Listen, I can find them under a rock, like, honestly. Like I can find them in a bar. Like I literally I could stand by someone and the most majority of people who were taught to me would be fully red flagged. I just attract them. How did the idea of the book come about? Were you scared of doing it? No, I wanted to do the book because I was getting. So when I got arrested, it was in all the papers and then every front cover and this is what really irritates me about the press. But without any conviction, they posted a Sally Axel Stab's kit, a stab's a Sally Axel Stab's boyfriend in front of in front of toddler on every single newspaper without any conviction. It wasn't really saying what I'd done. I mean, a stab and would be would be wounded. Like, do you know what I mean? It would be they they said they kept one in a story out of me and ringing me up. Would you want to do this story? And I thought, you know what? I'm only going to get about what a thousand words. Why not write a book? So I sat at home for the three weeks because I was fucking trying not to be out in public because I was getting so much death threats. And they I just wrote a book. I wrote it and my management at the time like released it on to what is it, Amazon? Yeah, and I got I got number two bestseller, I got number one new release. So which was really shocked because I didn't I didn't like expect that at all. But it was brilliant because I got my story out. And also like you don't understand how many girls I have every day message in me. Just with like the same situations. There's so many people and males going through very similar situations where you do feel on eggshells and the relationship and it is toxic. And that is the only word that you can use for it toxic on either part. It's toxic and both parts later say you've been part of the problem and so is obviously our ex-boyfriends. It's not just a case of pointing fingers and blaming everybody else because and you've got it. You've got to let go of it all. You've got it. You've got you've got it. You've got to forgive and forgiveness, forgiveness and say sorry. What's your relationship like with your ex now? Nonexistent. He's met someone else here and it's nonexistent. I wish him all the best. I hope I hope he finds peace and I hope he can have a healthy relationship in the future because that's the main thing because we have got a child together. Yeah, fair play. That's the only reason you can move on. So going through all that then we're getting the trolls. How did that affect you? How long did that last? Is it still going on today? The trolls or... Does that push you to the brinker suicide again or does it make you stronger now? Or I have to... Every day is a battle with this and there's a site and obviously I think most people know about this site and it's absolutely vile and disgusting. And it's every single day. I mean, these people are to the point that they're taking photos of me when I'm out in a supermarket and they're posting look what she's doing. I'm getting stalked by these people. Like I'm not even lying. I'm getting absolutely stalked by these people. Like if I'm not online for two hours, where's Sally gone? Why is she not online? And the stuff they say about me as a mother sexually disgusted and stuff. They the other day someone came on and said she's going to she's going to she's going to string herself up soon and do us to do herself out this to do herself out the misery. Like these are the type of things like and especially because I've got mental illness and I haven't got my family around me. It's it's just disgusting. Like absolutely just. I mean, I broke down a lot like I did a live the other day and I really broke down in it and I I've sick of crying over it to be honest. I am past letting these people affect me because I do believe that these people aren't very nice people in their hearts and not me. They might they might be good people in one point in their lives, but they've got a lot of hate in themselves because to go and sit on a site and be anonymous and just write loads of hate about people and I have caught a few of them, you know, and I've spoke to one the other day and she did something wrong. She left her when she'd screenshot one of the Instagram things. She left a profile picture on the side. So I found them. I got I started looking through on my Instagram found that same profile picture and I messaged her and I said, why are you doing this to me? Because I just thought I need to know what have I done wrong to use to make use of. I'm talking. There's like 5000 5000 spread comments on threads like lots and she said to me and she was from Australia. So I don't even know how I bothered her that much. She said my husband died and he got him. He got shredded and machinery and this was my only place. I felt like I had friends. Do you know what? I just I was going to argue with her and I just me as a person because I'm quite an empath. I just wrote back to her and I put, you know what? You need to concentrate on that beautiful son of yours. You got there because I would do anything to have my kids with me. So just concentrate on him. Concentrate on and put all your love into him and don't put your energy into sites like that. And I wish her all the best. And she went back on the sites. I put I don't want to get involved in any of this anymore. I spoke to Sally. She seems really nice and she's changed my mind about her and I thought. But silence is golden. You need to stop looking at that site because. I don't look at it anymore. I say out of mind and. Fuck everybody else man. What is matter? Master that fucking crack. But just out of say out of mind get off it man. It's difficult but silence is key. I think the thing the thing that I really do want to be silent about it and I know I'm drawing attention but I feel like I am doing. I think like so many influences and so many people who've been on reality TV show and so many people who are in the media who are on their sites because you're only allowed to be on the site if you've got over 10,000 followers which I shouldn't be even allowed to be on there now because they've hacked my account and they laughed about it. So I don't even know how I'm still on there. But everyone's scared to mention this site here because no one wants them. No one to look at their own Fred. So everyone's tiptoeing about it like this and I think do you know what? I feel like I can do help people. I don't know why and my friends given one of my friends she's been to therapy because of the site and she had to come off social media and she she messaged me going I'm really worried about you. You need to stop looking at the site and I thought I will stop looking at the site and I have stopped looking at the site but I still want people to and I feel like I can change people's minds about going on it. I don't know why. I think it's just so. I think it's a. I find a lost cause man because those people will be mentally disturbed. That's what I'm saying. So I wanted to fuck them. So I'm going to do I'm doing a podcast a minute with with girls and I'm going to I'm doing it with all these only fans girls on tomorrow and then I want to do it with with with a mental health work like a woman mental and I want to analyse this. Is this a mental condition being a troll because I think in like of course it's got to be but it's going to be a name and you know like I've got historical borderline personality disorder. There's going to be like troll disorder or something. There's got to be a disorder because it's unhealthy. But they have no life. They've no fun in their life. They've no positivity. Their lives are already in hell so you've got to feel sorry for them. You just got to send them love until they love themself which is difficult because we've all got eagle. We've all got a bit of I will come out swinging if somebody steps up to the plate. I will always step forward but I don't ever search for it. If it comes my way, listen, I'm here. But the thing what annoys me is like these people like literally would not say this to my face because I have been I'm full. But you know this but yet you're still searching for it. No, so that's why I don't read it anymore because it literally is it's impossible. But when I receive stuff like when you see like the Caroline Flack thing and the thing that resides with me with Caroline Flack is because and I don't mean to bring her up on this because only because it's a year anniversary that she was tormented by a domestic violent relationship that she was in the media has been a perpetrator the same as me and without a conviction and the amount of trolls that in the media that they can just direct people even if you've got a conviction or not because the video was there. So you were fucked no matter what. Do you know what I mean? So you had to just put your hands up and say, you know what? I've done wrong. I fucked that. What's this crap now with your kids? Have you costed it yet? Are you still working on it? Yeah, just in work and progress. I have a family. I'll be back together very soon. But I can't really go into it. But you seem in a good place. Do you know what? Like I think even better than like the last month or the month before, I feel like I'm going again because I know what my direction because I think I've always been like, oh my God, what am I going to do? What's going to happen? And I think I know where I'm going now. And I think for the first time in my life, I feel like I am happy with who I am being on my own. I think I've always needed a relationship and like I'm paying my own bills and paying my own card, paying my own life. Like I don't need anyone and it feels fucking amazing. Like, do you know what I mean? I just feel great. But just staying that path then. Stay true to you. Exactly. And I just feel like, you know, just need to keep focused and to keep trying to not get off the party and to know good. I think this lockdown has probably helped me a lot because because it's lockdown and everyone, I know it's really bad for all businesses and stuff, but it stopped me with temptation of going out because if I haven't got the kids there, I'm like, oh, I may as well go out, but and I've moved totally out the area, totally away. So I've totally segregated myself and concentrated on country walks. I know it sounds like probably people like Sally, yeah, really. But I've really, really gone back to basics within myself. I've done a lot of therapy. I think therapy is the main thing to do if you suffer a domestic violence, mental illness, anything talking about it is like the most important thing. How much therapy you've done? Oh, a lot. See, I'm supposed to stop my therapy with my woman a month ago and I just said, please, can you just carry on? She's like, well, you're finished. I went, no, no, no, no, no. And I just have her on call now. I ring her up. And to be honest, I put people on her when, you know, when girls message me about their relationships, I like, I'll go ring her up. What can I do about this girl? Like because she's so my one fix or she's so amazing. And for the first time, I can't. I hate the therapy because when I was asked to do, like I had a psychological analysis like a few years ago and it was horrible. It was like this man who sat there and he and I have problem with with male authoritative figures. I like if I can't manipulate them or make them, like do say what I want and they're really firm. It makes me feel uncomfortable and I want to like rebel against them. So I think this was the first time I'd found a therapist that I really opened up to. And I felt like I was just chatting to my friend and then she was helping me and she helped me deal with a lot of the situation with Gerard and getting over it. Because to be honest, I still obviously loved him till like well about like a year ago. Like it was not, it wasn't just an instant. I don't love him anymore because you can't, it's like the stock of my pet. Stock of my pet. You love the person who's probably the worst person for you. You end up like needing that love and was addicted to that toxic love. Which is crazy. It's fucked up that how the energy's attract just shows you're both battling what have I thrown at you? What have I been battling back in the day? But as long as you can keep your side of the street clean keep your side of the street clean now. Because no matter how fucked up you are in life, no matter your mistakes you've got to let go and if other people are coming forward if you're writing books, if you're now helping other people through abusive relationships or other stuff like that, then you've just got to kick on. You've got to try and concentrate on the positives. Keep working on you and we'll make mistakes. Listen, I speak to fucking murderers and bank robbers and people forgive them. It's not the end of the world, yes, what you've done was wrong, but it's clear that you're fucked up in the head. Back then, do you know what I mean? You're maybe drinking, taking drugs, all the shit that you've been through when you're younger, abandonment issues, but in the loony bin, it's a lot for a young girl. Try to kill yourself, looking for love through the wrong way. So it is difficult, but there's nothing you can do about just fucking. Move on, try and concentrate on the day and move on for the future. And health as well. Like I really believe, like health is really what you're putting into your body and you know, food-wise. And so that's the energy that you're going to be using throughout the day and really, really trying to be as positive you can. Like, say if you're like, I used to be like dead angry little driver arguing with everyone all the time, snaffy, snaffy, snaffy. And I would just get the worst day than a worse day than a worse day. I was really trying like now not let things affect me or little things bother me. Pick your fights wisely. Don't try and fight with everyone. Many tattoos, you got? A lot. I've got loads of just... And what's the script with in the papers when you got the Heel and Plant Kingdom thing? Oh, that wasn't real. But we were doing because I was working with a girl and we were doing a documentary on false news and the way the media believe anything. And to be honest, there was no surgery that I was saying I had and they still were writing about it. But then obviously the stabbing incident came after so we never got, we never released it. But you know, it started off when I went to LA because I went to botched. I went and filmed botched with LA in LA and they were like, oh, you want your Heel and Plant. So it kind of just... Can people get Heel and Plant? I think there's something in China or something. I don't know. I'm not really into it. So that wasn't real then you got Heel and Plant? No, I'm going to get surgery in a couple of weeks anyway as well. Get my bum done again, but... To get what you're asked on? Again, yeah. I'm going to get it bigger. So going forward for the future then. So see you chat. Tell me which are plans. So my plan is to now do my podcast with the girls. When is that so? We're going to be watching. So we're filming tomorrow. It's going to be out at the end of the month. So that's going to be really cool. It's just going to be... I really just wanted to have a girls podcast with only girls on and be like girl talk about the dirty secrets to the worst dates, to the weirdest messages girls have had on any fans, how to make the most money. I'm going to do some about marketing, about how women can make money and how to then hustle. Hustling? I've got a beeman. That's what life's all about hustle. All the perverts will burn that. So is that going to... Well, we've got a free girl. Nicol will burn that anyway, won't he, bro? Do you want to film this one? Is it on YouTube? Yeah, it's going to put it on YouTube. Send me the links. I'll put it in the description. So that's his girls from Onlyfans. So this is the first episode. The first two episodes are going to be girls, dirty little secrets from Onlyfans. So we're going to find out about some of the weird... Some of the perverts that I'm going to get exposed to. The amazing customers that pay me a lot of money, thank you. Out of the world, fuck them. How is The Onlyfans in? How are you feeling with that? Well, I initially started it because I was in a situation because obviously Jared left me with no money. And I thought, fuck, what the fuck am I going to do? And obviously I had kids before, so I started it then. And then I kind of had a love-it-a-heat relationship with it. I made loads of money in the summer because I was like, I love it. And then I just went off the radar for September and October and then. But now I'm getting back in the swing of things because do you know what? I've realised it is what it is. I am sick to death of thinking that women can't be sexualised because it really isn't the case like we shouldn't be scared to be bisexual and be think, oh, what will they think? So what? If you want to go to sleep with her, if you want to go to sleep with them, it doesn't matter. We can do whatever one is women. I just think there's a bad prejudice on Onlyfans. And that's kind of why I wanted to do my little things. Sit down on the couch because I just believe that women are sexual beings to just go out and get your tits out of your mouth. But everybody, as you've just got to be careful, as long as you're happy, as long as you're not hurting anyone, be who the fuck you want to be. I know plenty of girls that do Onlyfans. I know the porn stars. You know how much the maker knows? Like some of my friends are making, I mean like, they're making 50Ks a month. But as long as they're happy because the money becomes a fulfillment. But I think that's the good thing with Onlyfans is that you're not getting exploited by other people because... So it's yours like, is it? What is it? No, no, mine's not like, I don't want to say that because nobody will not say this. Because then we're not going to get people subscribed. Mine's amazing, it's so dirty. So do people subscribe for the month and then? So they subscribe for the month. So some girls, this is what I think about Onlyfans. That's why I enjoy this site. And because it is your own boss. You're not being exploited in any way. Because if you want to post one day, you can post. If you don't, you don't. It's not like you're working for an agency and they're like, you've got to get naked now. Go on the bed and do this. It's literally women who are being girl bosses and making loads of money. And why the hell not? I mean, it's people go, oh, do you want to get married and have kids? Well, if my fella doesn't like me in nice lingerie and being good in bed then. Well. Haven't I viewed Dominatrix and shit as well? Only shit they got up to is, they've got guys fucking fold nappies with custard and kicking them in the balls. Oh, well, mine isn't like this. And mostly my followers are mostly Scouse, by the way. I was going to do this thing where you can change so you can't know people from your area on there. My mate was like, you've got to do it. You don't want people in your own area seeing it. And I went, I'd lose 90% of my customers if I took Scouse as a result. But guys love crazy as well. Guys love not jobs. Well, I think when that video came out, I was literally sitting there like, and no one knew I was single before that. And then next minute, my Instagram blew off with half a Walton prison for being messaging me through. I was like, oh my God. I swear to God, I've never had so many people following me and messaging me with bulldogs or whatever. But there's the profile pictures, fucking staffies. I was like, but yeah, it blew off. He put me on the radar for like fucking anybody like psycho bitches in the world. I was like, no, this isn't what I like anymore. Would you have another book for the future? Yes, so I'm going to be doing another book on the on. I'm going to be doing another book on women empowerment. And it's going to be like a journal book so you can kind of interact with it as well. So it's like a really like a place that people can like start the foundations of their journey. So it's not just about my journey, it's about helping people with their journeys as well. What about looking back at your life so far? What do you think? I think it's a fucking mess. So with that, I bonus, it's a fucking car crash. Listen, least you're here still smiling. Yes, that's all you can do is smile. Try and rebuild. Try and the first objective would be get the family back, get the wrong guy. That's the only objective at the moment. I mean, I am the most happiest when I'm a mum and as much as people can say what they want to say. I was born to be a mother and I cannot wait for the family to just move to the next step. So I think I deserve it now. I've paid the price. So see when you've got the psychologists and stuff, does that help you then getting your kids full custody again when you do the psychology stuff? Yeah, I mean, anything. Is that all reports? Yeah, I've just done a social media course for kids on social media. I'm doing a kids mental health course at the moment. I am doing every goddamn thing you could think of to get my family back together. There isn't a thing, there isn't a stone unturned. I literally am the probably the most annoying person in the world because I'm like bringing everybody what's going on, what's happening. Cos I just I'm ready now. I'm ready. I don't think I was ready when that. I think I think everyone does the right thing at the time. And I believe I was in such a mental state. I remember thinking, oh, my God, I want to do. I want to put these kids in a car and just drive us off a cliff because I didn't want them to take them that much. And I remember thinking, what the fuck am I thinking this for? Like, how can you even think this? I'm thinking I'm fucking lost at losing the plot here. And now I know I wasn't ready. I wasn't mentally stable enough to be a mum by then. Do you think that incident that night then potentially saved your kids' lives? I don't think it saved the kids' lives. I think it saved. I think the kids would be would it was. I don't think it saved the kids' lives in that much respect. I think it saved a big disaster happening for you to understand that you were struggling, that you were having an erdys break down. I think I would have ended up dead. I think 100% was in love with Jared so much. I think I would have ended up dead. I think I would have just ended up atop of myself. Honestly, I just wasn't all there. I think it took me this to regrain. And now they come back and I'm like, ooh, I don't have them feelings anymore because I see now how disastrous it was. But I think we were both just so in love with each other in a toxic way. It was just crazy. I did hear by one of my mutual friends that he said that it was the best thing that happened, that video coming out. And I personally think it was the best thing that come out because I just think without that we wouldn't have split up because as much as we were split up, we would always gone back to forward step with each other, not with each other, step with each other. I think we would have gone on until I was 40, 50 and proper washed up. I would never have been able to meet another person I was just at the end. So I think in a way it's given me a new lease of life and it's made me really work on who I am and be a better person. I mean, my daughter said to me the other day she was like, I went, oh, I would like to get married. I went to her, I want to get my older daughters. I went, I want to get married. I thought it was going to get married next year. She went, don't bother mum. I went, what do you mean she went, I just like you as an independent woman. And I thought, best see her me as an independent woman and that makes me happy. Like I'm no longer like money dependent on a man. I'm no longer emotionally dependent on a man. I'm no longer lost. I'm really, I think even from being young, the first time I've really found myself. How do you think the day you get costed to your kids again, how do you think that'll make you feel? Oh, it would be amazing. I couldn't even describe it. It literally, it's all, it's not like it's going to happen like one day. It's just like a work in progress now. So I just want the best for them. And if I'm not, if I wasn't the best for them, then I agree with that. But I believe I am the best for them and I believe every child needs their mother and I am literally adore my children and I never really talk about this. So it's quite weird me having a conversation somewhere because in the media I've tried to really wipe it out, like not speak about it because I just out of respect for them. But the reason I'm wanting to talk about them today is because I've told you like there's a background story rather than just mentioning them. I don't put them on social media or anything. And I just think that the best place for them was with me and that's, that's it. And I've done everything I can now. I'm working so hard. And I think that's my only main objective now. It's the only thing. Like in the future I want to be, I'd like to do more speaking public about for women. I'd like to do my podcast. I'd like to be, I'd like to do another book. Obviously I'm doing another book. And I'd like to be a good role model for my kids. And I don't think I have always been that. And I think in the future I really want to change not everyone's perception of me because people will either like me or they'll hate me, but I want to make sure my kids are proud. That's the only, that's the only thing that doesn't matter. So friend of a day it's watching just now. It's maybe so I say though you've obviously been there trying to talk to yourself a few times. You've come out the other end, you're doing well again. What advice would you give for them? Know that you're not alone. Talk to somebody. And if you've got no one to talk to, really just remember why you're important in this world. Remember who you are. Remember what you bring to this world because everyone has a special quality of why they're here. So remember why you're special. Sal, for coming on a day, by having to tell your story. Thank you. I know it must have been difficult back. Thank you so much. I wish you all the best in the future. Thank you so much. Stay blessed, babe.