 The Grape Nuts and Grape Nuts Flakes program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Dennis Day, Rochester, and yours truly, Don Wilson. Speaking of New Year's resolutions, here's a poem for your friends. So listen. When the year is at the morn, resolutions fine are born. When the year is old and gray, resolutions, where are they? I have the answer here to a season full of cheer. Just resolve to start each day happy, carefree, blithe, and gay. And you know, folks, all it takes to start the day is Grape Nuts Flakes. That's the answer, all right. Eat a good breakfast, do a better job. Because you need an adequate breakfast after a fast of 10 or 12 hours the night before. In fact, dietitian tells us that morning is the time we should get at least one quarter of our entire day's nourishment. Yes, breakfast is the stoke-up meal. And Grape Nuts Flakes are certainly a swell tasting stoke-up food. They're a whole grain cereal crammed and full of all-around whole grain nourishment. So for 1944, let's all resolve to eat a good breakfast, do a better job. And let Chris Toasty Brown Grape Nuts Flakes help make it easy for you. Since this is the start of a new year, we bring you a man who at the age of 20 began his phenomenal career in show business. That's right. At 30, he was a credit to his profession. Yes, sir. At 40, he was admired and respected by millions. That's me. At 50, his name became a household word. 50. At 60, he became... All right. Stop. That's enough already. For heaven's sake. And here he is, Jack Benny. Thank you. Hello again. This is Jack Benny talking. And Don, it's a good thing I stopped you or I'd have died of old age before the show started. 40, 50, 60. I wasn't so very long ago that I was going to Warkegan Grammar School. I know, Jack, but you were the only kid in class the teacher called Mr. Don. They didn't call me that till I was in the sixth grade. And anyway, Don, it does... Hello, Jack. Hello, Mary. Anyway, Don, it doesn't... Fine thing. I hurry over here and nobody even notices my new dress. Oh, oh, oh, say that dress is beautiful, Mary. But don't you feel a little silly wearing a man's necktie with it? Oh, that. Well, Dennis gave it to me for Christmas and I'm wearing it so I won't hurt his feelings. You mean Dennis gave you a... Oh, wait a minute. He must have gotten the boxes mixed up. What do you mean? Well, Dennis gave me the cutest pair of lace panties all covered with rose buds. Oh, gee, I'd love to have those. Jack, I'll give you the necktie and you give me the lace panties. Well... Oh, Dennis really meant them for me. I know, but... You didn't lose them, did you? I hope not. Oh, so that's it. You didn't want to hurt his feelings either. Look, Mary, when someone gives you a gift... I know, I know, but Jack, those panties were supposed to fit me. How in the world did you get them on? Oh, I didn't have much trouble. You didn't, eh? I'll bet those rose buds are stretched a full bloom. Never mind. Let's see, where was I? Oh, yes. Now, look, Don, the next time you make a remark about my age, you better first... Hello, Mr. Benny. Oh, hello, Dennis. Don, the next time you make a remark about my age... What's the matter? Oh, Don's always telling people that I'm a lot older than I am, and I'm sick of it. Why don't you hit him with your cane? Dennis, they gave me this cane with my sports suit instead of an extra pair of panties. I mean, pants. Anyway, to change the subject, I'm glad you're all here early tonight because we have a very important program to do. What do you mean, Jackson? You'll know in a minute, ladies and gentlemen, as is our custom at this time of year, and even though it is January 2, tonight we are going to present our annual New Year's Play entitled The New Tenant, or Goodbye, 43, Hello, 44. I hope you will all enjoy our latest version. Now, once again, I will play the part of the old... Hey, Mr. Benny, every year you do one of these plays, and I don't understand them. Well, you see, Dennis, these little sketches we do at the close of each year are not so much plays as they are allegorical fantasies. Now, do you understand? No. Well, Dennis, an allegorical fantasy is like a... Well, look, kid, did you see Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs? Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. Well... I didn't understand that either. Dennis, it's all very simple. Look, my play and Snow White are in the same category, in that they both deal with the abstract and the esoteric rather than with the prosaic. Prosaic? Yes, that's it. What is it? Don't worry, Dennis. Jack doesn't understand it either. I understand every word I said. Sure you do, Jackson. How do you know, Phil? Because I'm the guy who learned it to him. Phil, if you really want to help me keep quiet, keep quiet. Look, Dennis, Dennis, an allegorical fantasy is a... Jack, what do you want to show off with big words for? Show off? If you want to explain something, do it simply and direct. Don, don't tell me how to... When I want to tell somebody about grape nuts and grape nut flakes, I don't go in for verbal calisthenics. No, Don. All I say is that grape nuts and grape nut flakes are two delicious cereals that always taste like more. But look, kid... Grape nuts, crisp and crunchy, grape nut flakes, tempting toasty brown flakes. Don... Both have a zesty, moldy-rich flavor that's distinctly their own. I know it's their own. They're made of sun-ripened wheat and malted barley, and they bring you energy-giving body-building whole-grain nourishment. The satisfying stick to your ribs nourishment that fills you full of well-being and helps make your mornings just zipped along. Oh, it zips, it zips. Simple enough. And so eat a good breakfast, do a better job. Feature grape nuts or grape nuts flakes. Are you see what I mean, Jack? You're absolutely right, Don. Come here, kid. I'm going to explain it to you in simple words like Don did. Oh, you don't have to explain it to me. I thought about it while Mr. Wilson was talking, and I know exactly what you mean. Good. Now, what is an allegorical fantasy? A prosaic bowl of grape nuts flakes. Well, look, Dennis, I'll explain it to you later. Meanwhile, in our fantasy, you're going to play a double role. The parts of the two most despicable men in the world, Hitler and Tojo. I'm going to play the parts of Hitler and Tojo? Yes. Where's a mirror? Why? I'm going to spit right in my faces. You don't have to, kid. You're only playing the parts. Anyway, you're going to be Hitler and Tojo tonight. Well, okay. But I'll just hate myself in the morning. Now, Phil, you're going to be Uncle Sam. Uncle Sam? Yes. You see, in our sketch, I will play the part of the old year, 1943, who has been living in a big rooming house called the United States, run by Uncle Sam and his wife, Columbia. Now, Mary, you're going to be Columbia. You have 48 children, one for each state in the union. I've got 48 children? Holy smoke. Mary, it's only an allegorical fantasy. Well, this is a fine time to tell me. Mary, I tried to explain it to you. Your children are the 48 states. Each state is a child. Oh, then I better hurry and change California. It's wet again. Don't worry about it now. Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, we set the stage for our play, which will go on immediately after a song. I'll get it. Hello? Oh, Mr. Benedict, what do you want, Rochester? I've been down to the stores exchanging your Christmas presents for you. Oh, yes, yes. You didn't have any trouble, did you? Only at one place. They refused to give you a refund on your Christmas tree. Well, it was worth a try, anyway. And say, boss, while I was out for you, I tried to exchange a present my uncle gave me. Uh-huh. But the store wouldn't do it just because I tried it out for size. Well, that was mean of them. What was the gift? A bottle of gin. Well, no wonder they wouldn't exchange it. And Rochester, why don't you try to reform? Oh, I did, boss. Remember yesterday I made a New Year's resolution not to shoot craps anymore. Yes, I remember that resolution. What happened to it? Rochester, have you been shooting dice again? It wasn't my fault, boss. Some of my friends came to visit me. Yes. It was the first time a group ever came through a door on their knees. Oh, so you got right in the game, huh? No, I didn't, boss. I tossed a coin. Heds I shoot craps with them and tails I don't. Uh-huh. And I suppose it landed head. No, boss, it landed tails. Well... As I bent down to pick up the coin, two small cubes fell out of my suit. Uh-huh. And to my, I'm throwing a seven. That later. Where are you now, Rochester? In a phone booth on Central Avenue and I... Get off my lap, honey. This is a high phone. Rochester, have you got a girl in the telephone booth with you? It ain't an allegory for fantasy. Rochester, I'm surprised. Oh, my, boss. She ain't the same one I came in here with. I haven't got time to talk to you anymore now, so I'll see you when I get home. Goodbye. Goodbye. Oh, say, boss. Now what? There was a phone call from the freight company telling me to come over because your camel had arrived from Egypt. My camel? That's wonderful. Well, listen, Rochester, don't tell anybody, and I'll spring it on my friends as a surprise. Well, you better wait till the wind is with you or the element of surprise will be lost. Well, don't worry. I'll take care of it. See you later. Goodbye. Goodbye. I'm glad the camel finally got her up and waiting long enough. Sing, Dennis. Or goodbye, 43. Hello, 44. As the curtain rises, it's almost midnight of December 31st. An old man, 1943, is packing his bags and ready to make his exit. Curtain. Music. You want 43? Give me a hand with this packing, will you? I've got to get out of here before midnight and make room for the new tenant. Oh, yes. Little 44, I'll be here any minute. Say, where's your husband, Uncle Sam? I'd like to say goodbye to him. Oh, he's around someplace. Sam's been pretty busy lately. You said it. All your kids have been pitching in, too. Here comes one of my relatives, the Navy. Oh, yes. Hello, Navy. Hello, old timer. Hi, Columbia. Boy, has he grown. Yep, his tonnage is almost doubled. He's big all right. Nice to see him so healthy. By the way, Navy, how's your wife? Oh, fine. Fine. And congratulations are in order. Really? Yep. Triplets. Three new battleships. Well, congratulations, Pappy. Here's a picture of them. Well, I'll be doggone. They got their mother's nose and their father's keel. Yes, sir. Well, so long. See you later, Columbia. Hey, he needs a big family. He's got two bathtubs to fill. Guess I might as well finish packing. Columbia, hand me that bundle of swing music. I'll take that with me. Here you are. Thanks. Lay that pistol down, babe. Lay that pistol down. Boy, am I sick of that. Say, Columbia, I got a few minutes yet, so I thought, well, hello, Eleanor. Glad to see you back. There she goes again. Say, Columbia, I started to tell you, I've only got a few minutes, and I thought that maybe before we... Oh, hello, Sam. Well, Uncle Sam, where you been? Oh, what a week. What a week. I've really been busy, been sending Christmas presents to my nephews all over the world. Well, you're working hard, Sam, but you never look better in your life. And say, what's that button you're wearing on your lapel? I never knew you took sides in politics. Well, I don't. I don't care if it's the Democrats or the Republicans. They're both good. But that button... Well, come closer and take a look at it. Okay. Well, I'll be... Well, what does it say, old timer? Frank Sinatra. Well, Sam, it's good to know that with all that's on your mind, you still find time for a little entertainment. That's right, and that ain't all. Look down here. Bobby socks. Sam, you'll never grow old. Hey, Columbia, turn on the radio. I want to hear the World Series. This'll be my last chance to hear the big game. Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, you are now listening to the final game of the World Series between the United Nations All-Stars and the Axis Pullcats. That's it. That's what I want. Me too. A lot of my boys is playing in that game. But the benefit of you people who tuned in late, this is the last half of the eighth. The Axis had their inning and the United Nations are now coming up to bat. Because of the game, the Axis did pretty well. They pulled a couple of sneak plays and tried to steal a few bases, but they were stopped by a squeeze play between Timerschenko and Montgomery. Those boys are sure a couple of big leaders, all right? You said it, old timer. And now, folks, before we resume our play-by-play description, I would like to remind you that this broadcast comes to you through the courtesy of Freedom Unlimited. That's a great product. All right, folks. The United Nations are now at bat. The coaches are George Marshall at third, lifting up to the plate. Heaviest hitters we got. Yep. He's got a darn good batten average, too. As you know, ladies and gentlemen, the battery for the Axis is Tojo pitching and Hitler catching. An old boy is he catching. You're not kidding. And here comes the first pitch. It's... So he got a man on first. Yes, sir, he... Incidentally, folks, in the sixth inning, Mussolini got hit on the head with a ball. So now the Axis will have to get another water boy. Well, he never was much anyway. All right, folks. MacArthur is on first base and coming up to bat is Chiang Kai-shek. On everything he does is low. Yeah, he's been thrown some nasty curves, but our boys are getting wise to him. Chiang Kai-shek is standing, grimly determined at the plate. Here comes the second ball. This is MacArthur's sacrifice. I knew Chiang Kai-shek a sacrifice. That's the kind of a fella he is. Yep, that's what I call great teamwork. While we're waiting for the next batter to come up, let's have a word from our sponsor, Freedom Unlimited. Ladies and gentlemen, do you spend restless nights because of a haunting fear that you may lose your rights? You're right to free speech. You're right to worship as you please. And you're right to live without fear of aggression. If you do, ladies and gentlemen, get yourself some shares of Freedom Unlimited. And you can do that by buying war bonds. Remember, folks, Freedom. Spelled F-R-E-E-D-O-M. Aunt Felisure knows what he's talking about. And now back to the game between the United Nations All-Stars and the Axis Polecats. Well, folks, the crowd is sure excited. MacArthur's on second base and coming up to bat is Montgomery. Sure is a fine player. That's right, Sam. The pitcher's winding up and here comes the ball. He tries to stop it and MacArthur goes to play. Don't claim them. Hey, Sam, that Rommel ain't doing so good, is he? No, he ain't. He's the best player they got. That's right. And now, folks, uh-oh, what's this? Hitler walks out to the pitcher's mound to talk to Tojo. It seems they got their signals crossed and Hitler's worried. But there's a switch in the battery for the Axis. Hitler is now going to pitch. A lot of good that'll do. Hitler used to have a pretty good arm. He already exercised enough hanging wallpaper. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Hitler is in the pitcher's box and coming up to bat for the United Nations is Tim O'Shinko. He'll knock Hitler out of the box and then put him in one. Wait and see. And here comes the first pitch. Ball one. Very wide. See that, Sam? Hitler's nervous. He's winding up again and here comes the second pitch. Ball two. You know, something old-timer, I think Hitler's afraid to pitch to him. Here comes the third pitch. You're right, Sam. Yep, Hitler doesn't dare take a chance with Tim O'Shinko. O'Shinko walks to first, putting three men on base. Tim O'Shinko on first. Montgomery on second. And MacArthur on... One good hit now. Put the game in the bag. What a bold game. What excitement! Bases are loaded for the United Nations and the Axis team is plenty worried. This is the tensest moment of the game and the question is, oh, there's a conference being held in the United Nations dugout. Co-managers Roosevelt, Churchill and Stalin are putting their heads together to decide on the final move and... and... Wait a minute, folks. Wait a minute. They've reached the decision. They're sending Eisenhower to see what's going to happen. I'm afraid you won't be able to 1943. Your time is almost up and you better finish talking. But I want to hear the end of the game. Well, I know how you feel, old-timer, but you just haven't got the time. Okay, okay, turn off the radio. Anyway, I got a pretty good idea how it's going to turn out. Dog gone, look at that clock. Just got my duds together in time. Hmm, that's the first stroke of 12. I wonder what's keeping the new tenant. Little fella should be here by now. Well, don't worry, he'll show up. He always has. Say, here's a tip for you, Sam. You worked hard during the time I was here. You did a good job. And I want you to work even harder for the little fella that's coming in. Don't you worry, old-timer. I'm really rolling now. Hmm, time's a fleeting, but I can't leave till that little shaver gets here. That must be him now. Yep. Come in. Well, it's the little new year. Hello, Sonny. Hello, old-timer. What's that you got under your arm? Some forms I'm going to try awfully hard to get signs this year. Yeah? What are they? Well, here's the most important one. It says, un... un... How do you pronounce these big words? Let's see that. Oh, that says, unconditional surrender. Well, I hope you get them signed during soon. Hey kid, I want you to meet Uncle Sam and his wife, Columbia. Glad to know you folks. Hello, Sonny. Hiya, bub. You ought to have a coat on with them diapers. It's pretty chilly tonight. I was sure cold the first night I got here. Well, Son, I'm glad you're a sturdy little fella because there's a big ball game going on, and after it's over, you're going to have plenty to do. With all the pop bottles and peanut shells laying around, you're going to have to clean up the field and put it in order again. I'll do the best I can, sir. I know you will. But tell me, old-timer, how's the game going? Well, at the start, things didn't look so good. But after a while, hear that, Son? Yes, sir. What is it? That's being played for some of Sam's nephews. They were good ball players and hard hitters, too, but they were put out early in the game. Wasn't their fault? Pitching was a little too fast for them then, and it wasn't fair, either. The man that had my job last year told me that Tojo started pitching before the umpire said, play ball. That ain't baseball, Son. Not like they play it in America. Well, I've got to be mowsying along now. Oh, by the way, Son, Uncle Sam's got a nephew called Franklin that's been taking mighty good care of him. Ain't he, Sam? They're dirt tooth. So keep an eye on them, Son. Give them all the help you can. Franklin, eh? I'll write that down. And here's some more names for you. There's Winston, Joe, Chung. A whole lot more to Sam will give you. I ain't got time to mention them all right now. I'll make a note of them. Leave it to me. Hmm. One more thing, Son. When I came in, there was a name given to me and I was instructed to pass it on to you. And I want you to pass it on to the next little fella that takes over. Who is it, sir? The name is Colin Kelly. He represents all our boys who only got one turn at bat. Remember that, Son? I will. Well, gotta be leaving now. Goodbye, Sam. So long, old timer. Well, here I go. So long, 43. So long, Columbia. Keepin' flyin'. Back many program, the makers of Grape Nuts and Grape Nuts Flakes send you their very best wishes for 1944. Good night, everyone. Thank you.