 Welcome to Church of the Chair, where we celebrate all the things we do while seated. I'm your host, E, here today with my co-host, Chad Lutsky, and we are currently collaborating on a novel called Planet Caravan. We are over the 40K mark. So today's episode is Road to 50K Begins. You know exactly how much we're at. That's what I was just looking at, getting a look for. 101 pages. Oh, by the way, look what came in. Oh dude. Finally got it, and showing support for the new one. Very cool. Jump into them shortly. Probably read them back to back. And I might even kill like both. I might even do a three for, three for, and read out behind the barn too, back to back to back. They're all pretty short, but they're all great books, man. I mean, if I do say so myself. This ain't even like a criticism. It's just aggravating as a book collector that they're fucking so different in size. I cannot stand that. One of the things I love about your books is they're all the same size. I don't know. I guess when your new thing comes out with a bruises on a butterfly, when it comes out from CD, it'll probably be the same size as Jedi Summer, but. My last collection is not the same size because neither is Wyrmwood. But that's out of my hands. I figure. I mean, I don't know. It makes sense to. I don't know why CD doesn't do a five by eight. They only do six by nine. I hate that. I like thicker books. I don't know. What's the genre of the new book? Just gritty, almost noir carnival stuff. All that stuff. Hey, Pedro, how you doing? Sorry, I just saw you came in. How are you doing, my friend? You get to the. We were at 36, 499. No, no, no, no. That's not what we're at. What am I thinking? I was about to say. I just, yeah, I just did the math wrong. Okay. Yeah, there's a window. Just to let you, I'm just reading your comments. There's a window in there because that's how he looks out to see the, oh, I'm doing fantastic, Pedro. That's how he looks out to see the caravan once it drives off. Okay, yeah, we're at 40,087. I got some revisions in this morning. I got some revisions in yesterday morning. I also, you'll probably see a comment where it talks about changing the ticket stealing scene or same as a key. Yeah, I read that. And then I took out, because you had described the trailer in the beginning. So I took some of your ideas and I put them up there. Where we had already described it, yeah. Okay. I'm doing fantastic. Sully, how are you doing? All right, as I do, every time we start this out, I'm going to read what Chad has done and then form a plan for what I'm gonna do for the day, take my break, come back and start writing. So we also use this time to talk about anything that I may have questions about or whatever because Chad works on this while we're not live, as well as when we're live. And I do not because I have the streaming stuff and other projects that I'm working on that I got to get done. So anyways, I'm gonna go ahead and jump in here. Also, for those of you who are wondering why we're not doing screen sharing anymore, we have some submissions out to interested parties. And we don't wanna be showing everything. We've already talked about enough of where we're going, what we're doing. And I don't wanna take any chances spoiling any deal that we might have down the road by showing too much. So that's why we're not showing this anymore. And there's no guarantees in this business but just to be on the safe side. Did you happen to send out that email? Not yet. I'm gonna get it after I get done here. I got like one more, literally one more page to read. I'm just going over for typos or anything. I haven't found anything so far, but go over that and then I'll send it this afternoon when I know he's in the office. So yeah, this is the boring time. I'm just gonna be reading. Usually I show this, but see what I just said. I fuck a lot in here, kid. Sorry. He's so done with that boy. He's like, okay, you're not, you're not picking up when I'm laying down. I fuck a lot in here, kid. Sorry. That is a perfect, oh, I'm already crying, man. That's like a perfect like slap in the face. Not really slap in the face, but it's like, God damn it, this is what I do. That would have sent me, and I've been reading this just on my own, just sitting down. It's sent me and I'm part of it, anyway. Oh, that's good. That was supposed to be Spanish. Oh, okay, I'm sorry. I tried, it's fine. It's fine, we should probably just do something else because I tried, it's not Spanish enough, probably. Well, you're a perfect example of why it's not Spanish enough because you thought it was an error. Yeah, exactly. Well, if it has the little, I don't know, but it's not an omelette, but if it has a thing above it, people will understand that. We just gotta make sure we use the right one because one direction means one thing and the other direction means another. Hang on, let me catch up a chat real quick. Happy to hear, been really good since it's now spookiest season. I've started my reread of cruelty. Oh, shit, thank you, appreciate it. I haven't had the chance to join one of your lives for a bit. Happy to hear you're doing well. I'm glad to see you. It's always nice to see you around, so thank you for, thanks for staying with me. If I'm Robert Planton up in here. Oh, we definitely gotta use that card at some point in time. There's so many knickknacks and things we have lying around that we can use later. It's gonna be amazing. I call that the boiling pot. Stephen King, when he published on writing, he did a competition. He said, all right, here's the scene. There's a pot boiling on the stove. Write this scene, send it into this address and I'll pick a winner. And the scene, he mentions in there, he's like, maybe something happens with the pot later on. So I kind of, or maybe it's smoking gun, check-offs gun, whatever you wanna call it. And I know there's a terminology for it, but I call it the boiling pot as my own reference point. I really love shit like that, taking stuff that might be otherwise just kind of passed over and making it an important Kirk Gibson. Mingo lingo only, sweet. Oh yeah, I wrote that, nevermind. Sorry, I just realized like, hey, that's pretty good. And I realized that was me. Act like a boy and well, then we're back to the time I said I don't like to be set. Sorry. I was like, that's a good line, Chad. Dumbass. Anyways, don't call yourself a dumbass, stop it. Your knowledge of Playboy is impeccable. At some point they changed the binding. I think maybe it was in the 90s, the early 90s. Yeah, it must have been because when I was looking at them as a, you know, 10, 11, that would have been 90, 91, all of them were from like the 70s and 80s because of course we stole it from our dads. And I know exactly what you're talking about. I think the only other magazine that you could confuse it with at that time would be maybe Omni. I don't even know Omni. Like we never had, we never found Omnis. I do remember. Omni was like a science magazine, but it was very thick and it had that same kind of like gap, very thick. Right, you know. I get what you're saying, yeah. It's funny because we had a very eclectic collection, me and my friends. There was of course the penthouse, the Playboys, all that stuff. Yeah, we had a club, we had a hangout spot that we would literally like to sit around in a circle, not doing what you say. Yeah, a circle. Sitting around in a circle, just reading fucking dirty magazines. You know, that's what we did. We just hung out and then we'd be like, hey, look at this. One day, my buddy Ross shows up and he's got, and no shame to any, I'm just pointing this out, because I think this is funny, but he showed up with chicks with dicks magazine that he found in his dad's closet. And he was like, did you know some chicks can have penises? I'm like, some, what? I was so confused. For years, I was like, I'm glad I never asked my mother, because it took me quite a while after that to realize that this was a thing and whatnot. Yeah, so. It's funny how you, I think one of the funniest things I can think of were growing up where somebody, I was naive enough to believe it. Somebody told me that when I was a kid that Oriental women's vaginas were sideways and slanted like their eyes. That was a, yeah, I had heard that one when I was younger too. That one was fucking terrible. They called it a three o'clock insert. God damn. Slanted. But yeah, that was, and I believed it. I was like, wow, really? Here's a wild one for you. I guess it's a, I don't know, it's a little less, it's a little more innocent than yours, I think. I don't know anyways, but I'll just continue talking. I firmly believed from the ages of 11 to about 16. Now my only sexual encounter, but I've told the story before, but I was with a 40 year old woman in my neighbor when I was 11. It was consensual, but it still, it fucked me up, that kind of thing. I've talked about it a lot, not gonna talk about it anymore, but it's important to know that part for this next part. Even though I had sexual experience at 11, I believed for years, I'd probably up until I was 16 and I had sex with someone else that was around my age, that if it was doggy style, it was 100% in the bud, like it was anal. Like you couldn't reach that part or whatever, when they're in that position. And it's not because me and the older woman didn't try that position, but because that's what she preferred. She over the other place, so anal over vaginal is what she preferred. So I thought that that was just how things work, that she was just completely normal. And of course, do whatever you want, enjoy what you want, because I do. But anyways, and I'd watch porn, I remember my friends laughing, one of his dads had a huge collection and I was like being like a 12, 13 year old kid going, look at him, fuck that ass kind of thing. He's like, no man, he's in her pussy. And we had a whole argument. I was like, dude, it's impossible. You can't hit that from that angle or whatever. I'm like, man, what are you talking about? You ain't never had sex, right? I'm like, no, no, if it's that position, then it's that thing. Boy, now mind you, this is hilarious. This is the funniest ending to this story, I think. Had my first sexual experience when I was 11 and multiple times after that, but I believed in Santa Claus until I was 13. Dang dude. 13 years old. My parents went through the motions. They had people send me letters from all over the globe marked from Santa Claus. Any time I would hide a letter to Santa to kind of prove that Santa Claus wasn't real, they would find it and I would get those presents anyways and it would say from Santa, they were, well, my mother, my dad had nothing to do with it. In fact, I found out later that he tried numerous times to get her and the only reason I found out at 13 was because I got in a fight at school, a physical altercation at school over Santa Claus. I was like, he's real and he was like, you're a little, what are you, a little kid? You're 13 years old. It was like, it had to have been junior high. And I find that I came, well, I was sent home because I was fighting and so my mom came and got me. My dad was cutting grass or whatever. My mom came and got me, had to leave work. And when I got home, I was at home alone. She had to go back to work. Dad finally got home and I walked up to him and I had, this is how sneaky I was. I walked to him and said, mom said Santa Claus, my mother did not say this. I said, mom said Santa Claus isn't real, is that true? And he goes, yeah, it's about time we had this talk. So he sits me down and he goes, Santa Claus is more of a feeling than that whole stick. And then I started bawling. And when mom got home, I was like, you lied to me for so many years. Like what the fuck happened? My mom's like, I don't even know what's going on. But that's how I finally found out was tricking my dad into telling me. We didn't teach our kids, Santa. We celebrated Christmas with a ton of gifts. But being Christians, we just didn't do it. I mean, I know a ton of Christians who do that. I got, I was raised with Santa and I thought it was cool and stuff, but we just chose not to. And when my son is in his late 20s now, he was at, I think it was in first grade and he was telling the kids in school that Santa wasn't real. And he had mentioned it to somebody and I had told him, we have told our kids, listen, some people, I was raised like this, don't ruin it, just don't. And so it got brought up in discussion at school. Teacher had to pull them out into the hall and call us and stuff. And she was gentle about it. She's just like, listen, I know you don't believe that, but these guys do. So let's just keep the ruse going for them. And he was really cool about it. That's awesome. That's what we told him too. It's just like, yeah, don't just go with it. Funny part about us is we did Santa Claus for the timeframe that the kids wouldn't know. Like we would put from Santa until they were like three, that kind of thing. But both of my kids are so fucking hyper intelligent. And I'm not saying that bragging is just all the time they're shocking me with their research and whatever. They'll come and talk to us about things. They'll look things up. And Dan, at five years old, they came to us and was like, Santa Claus isn't real. I know Santa Claus isn't real because I found all this. And then give us a list of evidence on how they found out that he wasn't real. And then they were completely fine. Chris is seven years younger than Dan. So it was seven years, that seven year difference, but Dan was super cool about it. But Chris also found out on their own. And it was, I don't know, four or five years old, but it was a matter of, and my mother took Chris to church and we are the kind of family, like you can believe whatever the fuck you want to. Like I'm not gonna tell my kids, you know, my feelings on religion, I'm gonna let them choose for themselves. I'm not gonna strip them from any spirituality that they wanna have, that kind of thing. So he goes to church with her, talks to another kid there. I think he was like four or five, like in like Sunday school and talking to that kid. And that kid told him that Santa Claus wasn't real. And this kid was about the same age as him at the time. At least that's what my mother told me. So he wasn't upset or anything. He just came home and said, did you know Santa Claus in real? I was like, yeah, I do. But he's like, well, that would explain why I didn't get any presents from him last year. I remember that specifically because like I said, we didn't put Santa Claus on the tags after a certain amount of time. And Shell was of the mindset because Shell has a little bit of an ego. And Shell was like, I'm not gonna let some fictional fucking character take. Take my bread under. Yeah, exactly. Take the credit for me buying stuff for my kids. And I'm like, hey, that's fine. I'm cool with that. So we just did it for the years that they wouldn't consciously remember. But yeah, that's what's with my kids. So my kids, you know, we still, it's funny because every year we still give them something from Santa. And it's usually the thing that they think that we couldn't afford. So it would be something like a new computer or a guitar or something like that because I'll save up all year for Christmas. I will, and I get that from my mother but the way my mother did it was run up all of her credit cards. And then she would pay them off throughout the next year and then use them again to buy Christmas again and then pay them off throughout the year. Of course that caught up with her eventually and she had to go bankrupt. But yeah, so I would save up all year long and they know it was pretty much even though I was making enough to keep us comfortable and all that up until like a year and a half ago, I was making it, we were very, very comfortable. And they were still getting things like, Dan got a brand new computer and a guitar one year because that's what they wanted. And then Chris ended up with every single, there was this thing of like, it's not erector sets but it's like erector sets but for vehicles, it's not called erector set though. And he got the entire collection one year and both all those items came from Santa Claus because they didn't think we could afford them. So it's kind of like an inside joke in the house that if we can't afford it, ask Santa for it, that kind of thing, maybe it'll happen. So that keeps them asking for the things that they actually want. But yesterday, literally yesterday, it's funny that we're talking about this now, Dan said, I don't really want anything for Christmas. And then Chris kind of looked up like this and he goes, I think I'm cool too. And me and Shale kind of looked at each other and said, this is the purpose of how we've been doing Christmas. To get you to a place where eventually you don't want for anything. And it just kind of hit me that parent achievement unlocked. We did good, not only did we get them what they wanted, but they also have what they want and they are comfortable with that. And they are fine not asking for things. They don't A, need or B that they might not really want right now. So yeah, anyways, that struck me. I was like, this is a very proud moment as a parent for me. Well, that's not me. Hey, if you are looking for somebody to give gifts to, I'm right here, I'll give you my address. Well, jokes on you because we decided we're gonna take a family, if we can afford it, it'll probably be a credit card situation, but we decided to go and do something as a family, then buy everybody gifts. So we're just gonna do something. I don't know what we're gonna do or where we're gonna go, but since this year has been so hard on us financially, it'll probably be a credit card situation. And like I said, I'm gonna end up, if the writer's strike doesn't end soon and none of my, well, all my contracts are gone anyways, but if I don't find any other contracts, I'll just go bankrupt. There's no other choice at this point in time. I'm paying some of my bills every single month, like my water and my electric, I'm paying with credit cards. So, and that's a situation you never wanna be in because you still have to pay those credit cards. Yeah, so we're not behind on anything yet, but come November, everything will be in the red. Well, we're already in the red, but you get what I'm saying. I'm not even gonna be able to pay for what, and I'm expecting by January, I'm gonna have to find a lawyer. Luckily, it's only $550 here to go bankrupt. Yay, anyways. Yeah, we spent way too much last year because I got, I got... What's up, Ron? Sorry, I haven't seen you in chat before and I wanted to say hello, hello, Ron. Even though my kids are adults now, I mean, Kota is the youngest at 18, but yeah, we still spoiled them like they were, like they were just kids. And then my grandkids, my nieces and nephew and my brother and sister, my mom. So last year, man, we spent, but we had come into some money. So we thought, we'll have a really, you know, like a more than what we usually do kind of Christmas, but I'm not doing that again this year. That was stressful. The year before last, we didn't do it last year. We tried this. We did 25 days of Halloween. We bought 25, so 50 gifts in total. We went from December 1st all the way to Christmas and they were able to, and they had to save the big stuff for Christmas Day. But we did a lot of, we did like, you know, like 10 gag gifts, 10 fun gifts, like toys or whatever. And then like, you know, five educational things. And then on top of that, we did a Christmas Day haul. So they got bigger things also. But dude, it was so confusing because we made like an Excel spreadsheet of which one. And then we would do like Chris A, Chris B, Chris, you know, so on and so forth. And it was so confusing trying to keep track of which ones we had packed and which one was which thing. And then it turned into like, almost not a scavenger hunt, but it turned into a hunt to try and find certain things in there. So it was a lot of fun, but also it was so much fucking work because we wanted to have everything done and wrapped up and under the tree for the first. And it was madness, but it worked out, but we're never doing that again. In fact, the kids didn't even like it. They were like, I would actually prefer to open 25 presents on Christmas Day, no matter if they're just gag gifts or whatever it might be, I would prefer to just do it that one day or seven days of Christmas, definitely not 25 again. So I've never heard a child complain about getting so many gifts and having gifts every single day, but both of them were like, yeah, it was too much. It was too much. I also, last year, I bought it was a big secret, but I bought, yeah, Christmas time here. It's not even Halloween yet. I bought a, all right, I designed t-shirts. I designed four t-shirts for Final Guys. One with each Hunter Shea, his picture on one, Jason Brannon one, Jack Campese on one, and then me on one. And then I had them up on T-Public, but I didn't make them like public. Right. And then I got everybody's t-shirt size and address and we had like a Christmas, pre-Christmas episode. And that particular shirt, I think is the one that we're all on, but there's also separate ones. So if you wanted to get your own, you know, your own favorite Final Guy or whatever. But I got each, sent all of them their own shirt with their face on it and made them open it. And I was wearing mine, but I had like a flannel or something over it. And then made them open it live while we were doing the podcast. Cool. That was cool. Do me a favor, email me that link because I can't copy and paste down here. Yeah. Email me that and I'm gonna post it in my Discord for anybody who wants to check it out. Scrapple, not Scrapple. Did it, ready for a real treat. Ha! All right, done reading that section. Where did I leave off? I don't even know. Road to Salvation, Child Time. Yeah, I did Child Time. That was the last one that I did. So I'm gonna, after the only thing I'm gonna write today is probably him working with Kay on the Ferris wheel because I know how to break one down and put it back together again. So I'll have them work on that and try not to make it boring of course and have some kind of purpose to the thing. So I was thinking, you know, he's kind of stuck on this concept of buzzard and Sam. So let's see if I can have him press Kay for, you know, some answers or whatever. And I think that might get into some comedy area, some comedic area because Kay isn't gonna just tell him what happened, because he doesn't talk. So, that's what I'll do when I get back. But I didn't even get, you know, I just realized I didn't even get to the point of what I was telling you upstream. So when we get done, please remind me to finish what I was telling you because I had a point to everything that I told you. And I just completely started rambling and just went off on a tirade about shit that didn't even matter. So yeah, remind me when we get done. I talk about it here folks, but it's, there's no guarantee anything's gonna happen. So yeah, no reason to tell you guys something and you guys get your hopes up. Also, I'm technically not allowed to talk about it. So whatever, let's get that off the screen. Okay, doggie. Okay, I'm gonna go on break. And when I get back, I'm gonna start writing. See y'all then. Okay, doggie. Uh, something wrong? No, I was reading your magic finger section. Too much? No, uh-uh. You're asking Edward Lorne if something is too much. Are you fucking for real right now? Anyways, no, definitely not too much. Well, I mean, I'm trying to think of those who might give it a read, the powers that be. No, no, no, you did it perfectly. It's alluded to without actually saying it. I was wondering if that's what you were getting at when I read the whole, when- I was wondering if that was what I was getting at too. Yeah, I love it. I figured it's harmless enough. Yeah, given some of the authors they do publish, not gonna say any names, not to give anything away, but that is very tame by comparison, so. Hey, what are you doing? What are you even looking at? Dude, Cooper, Cooper, what are you doing? He's staring at this Michael Myers blanket I have and he's barking at it. Have you ever seen the, it's a TikTok, but I think it was originally a vine, a dog that has been with a fucking fence post. Have you ever seen that? Okay, so the story behind it is it's an electrified fence and one day, one of the sheep that this dog shepherds got too close to the fence and it shocked him. So ever since then, anytime the owner lets the dog out, the dog runs straight to this one post and starts to parking at it. And the story behind it is it hurt one of his sheep. So he's like, you know, stay away kind of thing. Very cool story. I have no idea what he's barking at. Maybe Mike blinked at him, who knows? Cooper, what are you doing? You wanna come up here? We get a dog show? We get a dog show, what is up, Agent Cooper? Special Agent Cooper, lesser agent E, saying good morning. He's like, what the fuck, what's going on here? This is all this kind of stuff. Who that person on the screen, dad? Hey, you smell good. Nick, I mean, your hat kind of funky though. I don't know. It's been a long day. It's a hard knock life for a dog. It's a hard knock life, but that's right. Scratches, scratches. That makes it all better. 103 pages. Huh? 103 pages. Yeah. All right, I'm tapping out. Eat some lunch. I'll probably hit back in this later. All right. I've got a, Hey, James. I still gotta work on this logo. Is it lookable? Sorry, Chad. Yeah, yeah, sorry, go ahead. You're fine. I was just saying hi to the people. I wasn't saying anything important. Oh, okay. All right. Well, let me end this so I can finish what I was telling you earlier and then you can dip out. But anyways, thank you guys for joining us. We'll be back again tomorrow at 9 a.m. Central Standard Time. But until then, I'll hail the chair.