 This week on the anxious truth, we're talking about crying and expressing emotion as part of the anxiety recovery process A lot of people want to know if crying is doing it wrong and the answer is hell. No, it's not doing it wrong So let's talk about that Hello everybody, welcome back to the anxious truth. This is podcast episode number 199 recorded in March of 2022 One away from the big 200. I have to figure out what I'm gonna do for episode 200 I better figure that out quickly. Anyway, if you're new to the podcast, this is your first time here Welcome. I am Drew lince a lot a creator and host of the anxious truth This is the podcast where we care about all things anxiety and anxiety recovery So if you're struggling with things like panic disorder panic attacks or agoraphobia, this is the place for you Glad you're here. And of course if you're a returning listener or viewer on YouTube, what up YouTube? Then I'm certainly glad you're here. Welcome back. So this week We're gonna talk about the topic of specifically crying but crying and expressing emotions and how that relates to anxiety in the recovery process It's a topic I probably should have covered long ago because it gets talked about all the time We're gonna go over that today before we do very quickly Just a reminder that all the other ways to get information and help from me are on my website at the anxious truth Com there are three really useful books and anxiety and recovery there. You can check them out My morning email newsletter and podcast is called the anxious morning. That's right on the home page at the anxious truth also And if you enjoy my work I'm helping you and you would like to find a way to support it and help keep it free of ads and sponsors Then there are ways to support this work at the anxious truth comm slash support So check that out if you are so inclined, but I appreciate each and every one of you coming back every week to give me your time And attention. I hope I am providing some value and some service. So this week We're gonna talk about specifically crying and want to kind of focus on that and what it means You know in terms of expressing emotions as part of the anxiety and recovery process So there's really two issues that come up around the topic of crying The first one is sort of a procedural or mechanical issue People worry that if they're if they cry when they're anxious or afraid or when they're in a panic that that means that they're doing it wrong So people ask all the time is crying and escape behavior is crying avoidance is crying wrong is crying a setback No, it's none of those things like When some people get anxious they express it some ways other people express it other ways And you just might be a crier. There's no crime in that now One of the things that I definitely want to point out right here at the beginning for especially for you dudes watching Men cry too. So I know that there's a stigma attached to that the idea that men are not supposed to cry Even in 2022 that's still pretty pervasive that crying is a problem for a guy It is not so I just want to acknowledge that that if you're a man watching or listening right now We also cry like the recovery process made me much more emotional than I used to be so I'm much more of a crier now I cried happy stuff sometimes. All right with that like I'm allowed to be human and so are you So I want to be clear that when we're talking about crying and expressing emotions as part of the recovery process Where this is not a female focus thing like this is a human focus thing So if you're a dude and you're a crier, that's okay. Really. It's okay. I promise So the first problem like I was saying is like a mechanical thing people think that there's it's procedurally wrong If I cried is that mean I'm avoiding is that avoidance? No crying is not avoidance crying is an expression. That's okay Crying does not mean a setback crying is not an error crying isn't doing it wrong Like crying is not a failure to accept like crying is just crying It's a thing that some humans do some more than others So when I used to be really anxious and I would panic I had habits I had ways to express that I would get silent I would Tap all over the place and poke and like tap at my chest and pull at my ear and touch my nose And I had all kinds of habits and ways to express that anxious state Some people really get really withdrawn some people get very vocal a lot of people speed up I wrote a whole book about how we speed up when we get anxious So that anxious state gets expressed in so many different ways across so many different like human beings And one of the ways that some people express that is crying and that's okay. If you're a crier you are allowed to cry It's not a crime. It's not an error. It's not avoidance. It's not it's not to mean You're not accepting or floating or whatever word you want to use you just happen to express yourself that way And that's okay One of the most important things that we learn in the process of recovery is that everything about us is okay so much of the problem is created when we become afraid of our own bodies and our own minds and So many obstacles in recovery are based on people's misconceptions that they can't handle their own emotions Or their own forms of expression and that's just not true So while crying might be a little more practically difficult to accept as part of the process I mean, I used to tap around and like fidget and do all kinds of ticks and stuff But that wasn't that terribly intrusive. It was certainly noticeable But it wasn't terribly intrusive if you are a crier, especially a strong cry if you're ugly crying, you know We use that funny term ugly crying. That's okay But I understand that might be a little bit more disruptive in terms of your daily routine It is what it is Part of this is learning that like well, you know, I cry and that's okay I'll just have to let that happen and let that end and just keep going So I understand that there's a little bit of a practical consideration in that, you know Really strong cry can interrupt what you're doing. I get that then it'll just have to interrupt what you're doing for a little while That's okay. Let it out if you have to let it out. It is not a crime and it doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong So I it was important for me to address that right off the jump here Crying is not a procedurally incorrect part of recovery If you are a natural crier or if sometimes it just feels overwhelming and it gets to be too much and you break down a little bit That's okay. So whether you cry every time you're anxious or once in a while, whatever just let it go It's okay. You are allowed to be fully human. You have a right to all of that humanity. That is not a mistake Maybe really clear about that. So the second misconception around crying comes based on the end expressing of emotion really comes based on the idea That we interpret what that crying means or we add a story on top of the crying So I don't mean the mechanical stuff that I was just talking about. Oh, it means I'm making a mistake People will take crying and interpret it and add a story on top of it That doesn't have to be there at all so the issue in this situation I'm gonna give you two statements here. The first statement is I cry because I am upset So any human being walks up to you and says well, I cry because I'm upset You would think you would shrug your shoulders like hey is anything I can do for you That's fine. You would not question that in any way shape or form because that's what humans do Then folks like us sometimes get into the trap of adding a second statement I cry because I'm upset and then I am upset because I cry that second half that when you flip it around I am upset because I cry. That's not required. That is there's no reason for that. So The second big issue that comes with crying as part of anxiety and recovery is that people will start to judge it Crying means that I'm never going to get better. Crying means that I'm not supposed to feel this. This is not as an emotion I'm supposed to feel I'm supposed to be feeling happy. I'm supposed to be engaged with the world Especially if you're dealing with loved ones or your kids or your partner or you're in a family situation Where like somehow in your head you're thinking oh, I'm supposed to feel love and attachment and joy in this situation But I'm crying because I'm afraid that means that something is wrong. I'm a failure emotionally somehow. That is Absolutely a hundred percent not true So if you cry as a way to express yourself, that's totally okay and totally normal for some human beings Like I cry because I'm upset and we could put anxious and afraid in the category of upset You don't have to add a second half that says I'm upset now because I cry There's no reason for that. That's just beating yourself up and you're adding interpretation and story on top of that That doesn't have to be there and it's completely in many cases invalid and sometimes driven by irrational fear completely There's no connection to reality at all So this comes back to that theme that we talked about all the time where we fall into the trap of Judging ourselves based on how we feel I'm either I'm supposed to feel a certain way and I don't so I'm going to be harsh on myself and Declare that as a failure and something is wrong because they don't feel a certain way or something is wrong Because I do feel a certain way in which case there's no win there feel one way it's wrong feel the other way it's wrong like what do you give yourself a break and the second problem with that is I'm going to interpret the fact that I am feeling this way as meaning that something is Additionally wrong So I'm anxious and afraid and I'm experiencing anxiety. I'm doing these hard things these exposures I'm in this challenging situation. That's that's hard enough. Okay. I cry in that situation Okay, now I have a second problem because now you're crying No, you don't you still have one problem and you're allowed to express yourself within the context of that problem So this is one of those things that to me sometimes feels a little bit heartbreaking And it speaks to that that idea that so often makes things difficult for people in recovery That your emotions are too much. You should not feel certain things You demand to feel certain ways in certain contexts And if you don't feel exactly that way you call yourself a failure or broken or something is wrong Like it is so important to understand here that part of this process is Learning to navigate through all the emotional states that we experience. They're all allowed We have a huge wide range of emotional expression built into us as human beings and is part of this process When you're doing difficult things and you're meeting a challenge and you're feeling frustrated and overwhelmed and and Regretful and and grieving over the loss of maybe time that you have lost to your agoraphobia All these are natural like things that upset us and make us feel emotions That's not wrong. And if you express some of that by crying It's not an indicator of anything other than you are experiencing your humanity as part of this process So there's absolutely no reason to judge yourself harshly or declare yourself some sort of Broken person who is never going to recover because I did my exposure and I cried And I can't tell you how many times I see that in the community almost daily That somebody does an exposure or meets a challenge or does something hard and they immediately will throw in the towel and you know Raise the flag of white flag as surrender. That's it. This is never gonna work square one This it's not working for me. Well, why isn't it working? You just did a hard thing But I was so sad and I was crying Okay, well part of doing a hard thing was experiencing an emotional reaction to it. That's also a hard thing But that's also okay so feeling emotions is Okay, even though sometimes that's also a hard thing So, you know taking a walk around the block for the agoraphobic or driving in the highway or not Googling your symptoms for the person with health anxiety Those are really hard things and when those things trigger emotions in us sometimes for some people Feeling those emotions is a second hard thing. It's not a second problem Like my health anxiety is a problem and now my emotions are a problem No, no Confronting my health anxiety is it the health anxiety is a problem confronting the health anxiety is a challenge and Feeling the emotions that come along with that challenge is just a second challenge not a second problem You understand that's really important because you got to let yourself off the hook Like there's no reason to beat yourself up be nice to yourself Respect the fact that you have emotions and understand that you were born with the ability to express these emotions This is how we come from the factory. We don't get to decide whether we cry or don't which just happens now as you go through this process and you begin to gain confidence and Competence and and you you don't you're not as afraid of your own body and mind as you once were The odds are extremely high that you will cry much less because you will feel less stress less burden less duress Right you you don't find yourself in distress because of how you feel anymore and you will likely cry far less than you do right now Okay, cool bonus, but the fact of the matter is if you do cry it is simply not a disaster So if you are one of those persons people listening to me or watching me on YouTube or wherever you're consuming this and You have this feeling that all of your emotions not only Indicate a state but also say something about you and should not be permitted. They're too much. They will overwhelm you You can't handle them. It's too hard to feel things You're gonna have to adjust that and understand that this process that we're going through will make you feel things and Learning that you can feel those things successfully you can move through them You can handle those things Including the crying or otherwise expressing of that emotion is really important. It's part of the lessons we learn We are not learning to try to engineer away Anxiety or engineer away our fear or engineer away our emotions And I've said this before I will continue to say it as often I have to as I have to the recovery process is not learning to Be a robot. It's not learning to be less human It's learning to be a better human and that includes Accepting and embracing and moving through all of our emotional states because they are all allowed all of them That's that's the deal on crying and expressing of emotion. So before I wrap it up I do want to I do want to mention one case that does bear mentioning So people who are having emotional regulation problems and please just take a second and take a breath before you listen To what I'm about to say here The the fact that you may cry during an exposure does not mean that you suffer from emotional Dysregulation and your anxious mind will may latch on to this and say oh see I have to find ways to emotionally regulate There are situations in certain conditions in mental health where people just have a hard time Handling their emotions and regulating those emotions Which generally in very simplest terms people have emotional dysregulation problems get completely carried away Like it's not just that they're crying or they feel sad They get completely carried away by those emotions to the point where sometimes there's a little bit of a detachment from the situation That even caused them or there's an inability to get back to the reality that caused them So people who are suffering from emotional dysregulation or emotional regulation problems Yes, sometimes that does have to be addressed and with a qualified clinician it can be addressed It's it's not a disaster But that's not everybody listening to me right now your your crying does not mean you are emotionally dysregulated Person who flies into a blind rage and Starts throwing things and kicking things and screaming at people when they get anxious or panicky That might be an emotional or dysregulation issue, but that can be addressed and it often is it's okay that can be worked on Okay, so I do want to address that so for some folks that is an issue But for most it is not so if you are having emotional dysregulation issues and you're working on that then big fist bump to you I know how hard that is and my heart goes out to you for that and I know that you can do that But even in that situation you can work on that you can learn that My people deal with those issues all the time and they get better at handling their emotions and learning how to deal with them So that is the deal on crying and generally expressing emotion. It is not wrong. It's not a mistake It's not a setback. It doesn't mean that you're failing in your recovery and Especially it does not mean that you have to add judgment To how you feel or what you're expressing if you take anything out of this, you know It would be those two things expressing emotion does not make me wrong and Expressing emotion does not require an interpretation of the expression of that emotion. It just is and it's okay Right. I do not demand to feel certain ways Do not demand to never feel certain ways We just have to be human and learn to handle all of that what that means Sometimes feeling things is hard just like driving on the highway for some of you is really hard But we're here to do hard things together and that's part of it feeling is just another challenge. It's not another problem, right? So so there you go, and I guess I guess I say that all the time. What am I gonna do? We all have our little crutches verbal crutches. I guess that's one of mine All right So that is the deal on crying and expressing emotions if you're watching on YouTube by all means go ahead and comment I will be happy to respond if you're in the Facebook group or ever comment on this I'm happy to have the interaction and the questions and deal with you guys It's like the most fun that I have and this thing that I do is interacting with all you guys And that's it the episode is over and you know because the music That is after globe by Ben Drake. You hear me say it every week every week Go find Ben and his music at ben drake music calm. He's just a good guy So go support him too. He's a good dude and a friend of mine And I and I like that tell him that I sent you and as always I will ask you if you are watching on YouTube hit the subscribe and the like button or comment because I love commenting on YouTube now I'm all about the YouTube comments if you're listening on Spotify or Apple any place where you can rate and review the podcast leave a five-star rating Maybe write a little review it helps other people find the podcast And that's what it's all about to reach as many people as we can help as many people as we can and that's it Thanks for coming by I'll be here again next week for episode 200. Don't know what I'm gonna say But I'm gonna be here never forget. This is the way We're done on the past again another chance