 If you've been in any kind of relationship for more than five minutes, then you are well aware that relationships are messy. They're messy to form. They're messy to maintain. They can get complicated and convoluted and so forth. So it really will help us, I think, to understand how do we form these relationships and how do we maintain relationships effectively? And there are a few theories that are centered around that. So I wanted to take a few minutes to look at forming and maintaining these social bonds, these relationships. Where do they come from? How do they form and what do we do with them? So let's start off with at the beginning. How do we get into these things to begin with? Now remember, when we talk about relationships, we're talking about them in a broader sense. Not just romantic relationships, but also friendships, workplace relationships, all kinds of relationships, even family relationships. Although, you know, how you come to a family relationship is a little different than how you come to a romantic relationship or a friendship. So remember, we're talking about relationships in a broader sense. But how do we come to these things? Well, first of all, there's this idea called attraction theory that says that there are different factors involved in how we are attracted to other people. What is that draws us to some other people? Some of these include things like appearance. Now, we don't like to think about that. We like to think, oh, well, I'm above that. I don't judge a book by its cover and so forth. But we do. There are certain factors that were drawn to people. I mean, just in the most basic, you know, Neanderthal-type sense, people find different things attractive. And so, you know, we notice things about maybe hair color or height or different things like that that may be attractive to us in another person. But also, we think about what somebody's wearing, even just in the sense of if somebody's wearing a t-shirt that's your favorite band or your favorite sports team or the college you went to, well, that automatically gives you a connection, doesn't it? Maybe makes that person a little more attractive to you. At least in the sense of I want to get to know this person a little bit to see if there's any more connection. If we have that in common, maybe we have other things in common. So appearance can be a factor in attraction, whether we like to think so or not. Proximity is another factor of attraction according to interaction theory. The idea that we are going to more likely form relationships with people who live near us than we are to people who are far, far away from us. Now, the internet has certainly adjusted this a little bit. But still, if we think about the people with whom we are in relationship, again, romantically, friendships, work relationships, these are people that we're, we have relationships with because we are nearby them, because they live near us, because we are put in a situation where we are with them on a regular basis and for certain periods of time, right? So proximity, the more we're with somebody, the more likely it is that we are going to at least figure out whether a relationship is valid or not, or, you know, is something to be pursued or not, rather than somebody who, you know, I'm just gonna pick somebody who lives halfway across the world and say, I'll just see if I can find a relationship there. More likely, we're more likely to form relationships with people who are in the general vicinity with us. Similarity is an important aspect of attraction theory. We like people who are like us. We like people who like the same things we do, who have the same philosophies we do, the same goals we do, who are headed in the same direction. So we like people who like us, or who are like us, sorry, and and so similarity can be an important factor in attraction. But the flip side of that is that we also like people who are different than us. We like people who compliment us. We like people who are complimentary to us, meaning that they feel a need within us. Maybe something that we don't do well ourselves. You know, we we don't necessarily like people to be a hundred percent like us because we're already like that. We like people who are generally similar to us, but also feel a need. For example, I'm more introverted and and tend to be, you know, more introverted and a little more shy. My best friend is very extroverted and very outgoing, almost to do to a fault, right? And so one of the things I think that works for us is that we have a lot of things in common. We have a lot of the same interests and and a lot of the same background of things, but we're also very different in that regard. We feel a need within each other. He pulls me out of my shell quite a bit and I help restrain him when the need is there. And so we're complimentary in that way. So we like people who are like us, but we also like people who feel a need within us who maybe have something that that we don't have. We like people who are competent, but not too competent. We like people who are smart, people who can we're attracted to people who can carry a conversation and would like to talk about the same things we do. But we don't like to be made to feel like we're dumb. We don't like to feel like we're dumb. So we like people who are competent, but not necessarily too competent. We don't want to feel less than. So we are cautious about that. But in general, we like people who are who are smart, at least in particular areas. We're attracted to disclosure. Not only is it attractive to us when somebody discloses to us and it makes us feel good, but we're also attracted to people with whom we feel comfortable disclosing. So when we're, when we feel like we're able to share with people in a comfortable way, then that's attractive to us as well. So in both directions, disclosure is an important factor in attraction and reciprocation. We like people. Similarity says we like people who like us and who are like us. Resiprication says we like people who like us. We like people who like us. It's not, you know, when people demonstrate and indicate that they, they're attracted to us, that they like us, that they think we're fun, that we, they think we're nice to be around or whatever, that feels good. And so we like that. So when people do that with us, then we tend to reciprocate. And also we like reciprocation in the sense of when people who, again, when we disclose to somebody else, when they disclose in return to us and balance that out a little bit, that's also reciprocation. And so we like people who are willing to share with us in that way. So we like a good balance there and reciprocation. And then finally, again, another one, like the first one, appearance that we don't like to talk about a lot, but we like rewards. You know, relationships bring rewards. They also have costs as we'll talk about. So, but relationships bring rewards. And we like relationships that seem like they're going to bring us rewards. That, and it's not as shallow as it seems, but those rewards could be material, they could be emotional, but we like people who generally seem like this is going to be a positive situation for us. We're going to gain something from this. You know, and it doesn't have to be we're going to gain money, or we're going to gain something material like that. It could be that we're going to gain some happiness, we're going to gain some laughter, we're going to gain. So we like relationships that have the potential of rewarding us in some way and having some positive impact on our life. But you throw all this in a blender, and this is essentially, as far as initial attraction goes, these are some of the major factors in what it is that would cause us to say, I'm interested in maybe seeing what a relationship that this person might be like. Again, whether that's romantic, whether it's a friendship, but these are the qualities we kind of look at, and not necessarily consciously even, but we factor all these things in and say, this is the kind of person I might be interested in seeing if there's something there or not. When we don't have these things, then we're more likely to say, no, I'm not really interested, not attracted to this person. So as you can see, there are a variety of different factors that might cause us to be attracted to somebody. Another theory that we can look at is called social exchange theory. And this really applies both in terms of attraction and also relational maintenance. So both the formation and maintenance of a relationship, social exchange theory can be involved. Social exchange theory really just breaks things down into sort of an equation, a very simple equation for people like me or not math people. So that equation first of all starts with rewards. We look at the rewards that are going to be, again, possible and that we are maybe receiving in this relationship. Again, this could be formation or maintenance. So it could be the expected rewards in terms of attraction or it could be the rewards that are a part of that relationship. And again, we look at different types of rewards, but we also then have to balance that with, okay, then what is this relationship costing me? So we take the rewards and then we subtract the costs. And remember that these rewards and costs, as we talked about in a previous video, can be emotional, material, they can be health related, relationships carry all these different types of things as rewards and costs depending on which side of the coin you're on there. So relationships bring us emotional rewards, they bring us material rewards, they can bring us health rewards, but they can also have a subsequent cost in these areas potentially. So we balance all that out, we take the rewards, we subtract the costs then, and then essentially that gives us the outcome. If the rewards outweigh the costs, they're more likely to maintain or form or maintain that relationship. And if they don't, then we're likely not to. So whether we consciously think about it or not, we're really kind of balancing all these things out in our mind with each relationship saying, okay, what am I getting out of this? And what's it costing me? And that's not necessarily as soon as the costs outweigh the rewards that we're going to drop that relationship, but over a long period of time in an existing relationship, if the costs continually outweigh the rewards, then we are more likely to probably terminate that relationship that's going to lead to that. So in some respect, usually not consciously, maybe conscious, I don't know if you're making the pros and cons list about a particular relationship, but usually this happens more just kind of subconsciously. It reminds me we're weighing the rewards. What's this costing me? Am I getting anything out of this? Or is it just continually me paying out for this relationship? If that's the case, they were more likely to not pursue or to terminate that relationship. But if the rewards outweigh the costs, then the outcome is more likely that we will either pursue or continue to maintain that relationship. One of the more interesting developmental models we can look at in terms of relationship comes to us from NAP originally, and now it's NAP and Vangelis have this relational development model that they developed at some time, sometimes called the staircase model. As you can see, it really kind of lays out the different stages of relationships. And we're not going to get into each of these in great detail in this video, but you can see that we moved through different stages in a relationship. Now, let me point out this is a staircase, not an escalator, so it doesn't automatically go all the way up and automatically come all the way down. At any point in any of these stages, you could see our relationship fizzle out or meet its end in the initiating phase. This is really before you even have a conversation with somebody or get to know them at all. If they don't look like somebody you're interested in or they're behaving in such a way that is not attractive to you, then you're probably not going to get past the initiating stage. Or sometimes you see somebody and they seem like they're interesting and so you start to maybe experiment a little bit, meaning have a conversation with them. Where are you from? What do you do? Things like that. And then you start finding out that things aren't lining up, then maybe you end the relationship there. But maybe if it's going well, then you move on to the intensifying stage. It starts to spend a little more time together on a one-on-one basis and so forth. And it can go through all these different stages. And you see there are different three general areas, the coming together, the relational maintenance and the coming apart. Again, none of these is automatic. None of these is a foregone conclusion just because you meet someone. It could fizzle out at any point in this relationship. And likewise, you could get to the bonding and differentiating stage at the very top there, which would indicate a really close relationship, significant relationship for you. And it may remain there for the rest of your life. You may not get into circumscribing and stagnating and eventually termination, right? In that relationship, it could be a relationship that you have for the rest of your life. But every relationship is a little different. Every relationship sees these different stages and maybe not all of them, but we'll see at least some of these stages. And so it's really a worthwhile area to explore. I think really just for understanding and when you look at these things, when you find out more about each of these stages, I imagine you'll be able to look at a particular relationship that you have and say, yeah, I can identify that stage. It's going to seem very relatable for you. So one of the ways that we look then at relationships is through this kind of development model, like the one that NAP has developed here using the staircase model, for just examining the different stages that relationships can go through. Finally, we want to take a look at dialectical perspectives, something on dialectical perspectives. Again, something we touched on in a previous video, the idea that every relationship is going to spark dialectical tensions and have these dialectical tensions. And so what do we mean by dialectical tensions? First of all, let's just say this is you or this is a person in general. And every person in a variety of ways is kind of pulled in two different directions a lot of times, right? So for example, one dialect that we look at sometimes is what we call integration versus separation. And basically what this means is that relationally speaking, every person, every one of us goes through different phases where there are times we want to be with people. We want to be with a particular person or a group of people. That's integration, right? We want to be included. We want to be close to people and we have that desire to be around people. And there are other times when we're going to be feeling separation in terms of maybe I need some alone time. Maybe I need a little time to just cool off by myself or just to hang out against an introvert. This is something that I can relate to very strongly. I need some separation sometimes and it's got nothing to do with any of the other people. It doesn't mean I'm angry or anything, but it just means I need a little mean time for a little bit. So maybe I just need to take a walk or go with a lawn or just read for a bit or something. But this swings. It's like a pendulum that swings back and forth. We go back and forth between integration and separation. Each of us has that within us. We go through these different dialectics and we feel the different things at different times. And we have other dialectics then, including things like stability and change. So each of us has at times this desire for consistency to know what's coming, to be familiar and to have things be certain that we know what's happening in that particular situation that's comforting for us. And sometimes we look for that. Other times we want something to change. We want something novel. We like new things. We like adventure. Again, this can swing back and forth depending on the person, depending on the situation. But we all have this within us. We're all being pulled in different directions at times through either stability or change. Another one, for example, is expression versus privacy. Sometimes we want to be known by others. We want to get things off our chest. We want to share ideas. We want to talk to other people. Other times we want to keep things to ourselves. And we don't necessarily want other people to know things about us or we don't want to really talk about things or whatever. So we go, again, that pendulum swings back and forth between expression and privacy. That's all complicated, right? I mean, that's all really complicated as for us individually to have these changes and to go back and forth on these things, to have those pendulum swings on a variety of different axes for different dialectics, right? Then we complicate things even further when we remember that, oh, yeah, it's not just me, but there's somebody else in this relationship. There's another person, whether it's your romantic partner, whether it's your friend or whatever. And they're also experiencing each of these dialectics. So what happens when I am feeling separation, but my friend or my partner, or whoever, is feeling integration. They're trying to pull me close and have me close and I'm saying, no, no, no, no, right now. And I'm just feeling, I just want to be by myself for the moment. Or we have differences in terms of expression versus privacy. I think we ought to share everything and the other person thinks, no, we ought to keep this to ourselves. Boy, that can be complicated when we feel not only is it complicated when we have those things in ourselves, but then you add in that there's another person involved and they're experiencing the same things. What if those things don't match up? So we can look at relationships through that aspect as well, dialectical perspectives, and then we throw everything into just absolute chaos when we think about, oh my goodness, there's a whole community of people around us that are all experiencing this. So not only that, do I need to come to an agreement with my friend or my partner or whatever my spouse on integration versus separation, but now we've got to justify that with everybody else in our community, with our families and our other friends and so forth. Maybe we're on the same page in terms of separation. The two of us kind of want to be on our own, but our community is saying, no, come out here and be with us. Oh my goodness, things get complicated, don't they? So we need to understand that these dialectical perspectives exist. They're an important aspect of examining our relationships. First of all, understanding that they are there, acknowledging that those things do exist, not just for us, but for other people as well. And then putting into perspective how can we best manage these things when they come up? And that's not a matter of necessarily just totally putting them away and ignoring them. It's a matter of managing those in the best way possible. And that's going to vary from relationship to relationship, but first understanding that those dialectics exist and then trying to figure out what's the best way for us, me as an individual and us in this particular relationship to manage those kind of dialectics. So again, we can see that relationships are complicated. They always have been, and they always will be complicated in a variety of ways. However, that complication shouldn't keep us from engaging in those relationships because really it's worth the effort, right? They're complicated, but it's such an important aspect of our life. It's such a valuable thing that gives life meaning that we ought to embrace those complications and really be willing to put in the work to kind of not necessarily overcome those complications. I don't know if that's even realistic or possible, but again, to manage and to embrace and just enjoy the complicated aspects of life as well as the simple things. If you have questions about formation and maintenance of relationships or any of these different theories that we've talked about, please feel free to email me. I'd love to hear from you there and discuss this further with you in that regard. In the meantime, I hope that this has given you some renewed understanding of how we form and how we maintain relationships and some of the different ways that we can view those and the different perspectives that we have on this complicated but so worth it endeavor.