 All right, Johnny, yeah, we are gonna revisit one of our top downloaded podcast episodes ever in 15 years Yes, and it's certainly one of my favorite topics and we have been talking about this Well and in our all through our history because it is that powerful It changes the way you view human interactions and how people view you. Yes This is really important So before we dive in if any of these symptoms sound like how you're Experiencing the world or relationships or some of the obstacles you're facing Then you might want to get a notepad and take notes because this is one of the most popular lectures in our x-factor Accelerator and it is life-changing paradigm shifting. We're gonna be talking about low value behaviors now low value behaviors are Mindsets that become actions that ultimately repel high value people from your life And we're gonna define low and high value in a minute, but if you find yourself Constantly chasing others to hang out to go on dates with you to spend time with you If you find yourself constantly being stuck with the bar tab not getting the Venmo request filled Chasing people's attention Approval acceptance money Just to get them to spend time with you and if it feels like building Relationships is a lot of work for you like tons of effort and energy Odds are you might be exhibiting some of these behaviors that we're gonna cover here today And just to add to that is that it is okay That you exhibit these behaviors because you're now Acknowledging that you have them the first step to change these behaviors is to identify them in yourself We wouldn't be up here discussing this if we didn't already go through this ourselves In fact, it's one of the reasons that I got involved in self-development It allowed me to recognize that I wasn't perfect that I had a lot of room to grow and these behaviors I needed to fix if I was going to when I can even use the word manifest in this case because When you do correct these behaviors the opportunities come to you But while you're exhibiting these behaviors these opportunities get pushed from you you repel these opportunities and the and the other part that goes with this is just because you have Identified them doesn't mean that you get rid of them because what we're gonna be discussing is that you're true Nature comes out when you're under tension and pressure When you're under tension and pressure you're reduced to the level of your training You're reduced to the things that you always do you'll go to where you're most comfortable So anyone can listen to this podcast and go. Oh, I I hear you everything to you guys are saying That's why I don't do any of that Well, anyone can say that sitting on the couch listening to this podcast But when you're in front of the guy that you're supposed to make a pitch to when you're talking to your boss who is about to either Say yes or no to that raise you're asking about when you're on a date with with somebody that you're incredibly interested in There is tension of pressure on those situations and this is why you get awkward you get clumsy You get tongue-tied You're not high value in those moments You're reduced to the level of your training and this is why we go through such efforts and our live Programs to to do video work to show you to diagnose these behaviors So that you can begin the work that happens immediately and this is the best part though You don't need to spend years in fixing them self-development is an endless journey But the minute you identify them the minute you start making changes You begin to see people treating you differently and that gives you the strength to continue doing it and continue Strengthening what you're going to begin with at this moment now Many of you listening have not had training. No, I didn't have training at least I thought Until I realized that actually your training starts when you're a child Your parents and your family and those who raised you were conditioning you with certain behavior patterns And as we go through these behavior patterns and lay out what we consider low-value behaviors These are all ways that we are chasing attention approval and acceptance How are we getting that attention from our parents is typically the first place it starts as a child You're crying you're screaming you're yelling you're arguing These patterns to communication and how you get that value from your parents get that attention get that appreciation get that approval and acceptance Well, that's modeled very early on in life And I didn't realize it and there are certain environments where these patterns will show up more than others Johnny pointed out a few of them first date for some of you a boardroom for some of you Pitching a potential client with a massive deal on the line for some of you in a sales call Environment where you really need to make that quota These are moments where you need something so badly from someone else That you will fall into these patterns that were woven into your life as a child now for me In going through this experience of self-development the first place that I recognized it 15 years ago We started the show was around women that I was most attracted to Women that I gave all the value to women that I wanted to win over that I wanted their attention their appreciation their acceptance to go on that date with me and I Searched high and low for the perfect things to say the perfect witty one liner I practiced my humor and my banter and when to touch and how to stand but I was still exhibiting these behaviors under all of those strategies So if you find yourself in a loop chasing another podcast episode another YouTube video Just reading one more self-development book to get the result that you're after We just ask that you take a new lens and look at the behavior that you're exhibiting not the strategy the tactic the cheat the hack But what are the underlying behaviors and the patterns to your communication in chasing someone else's attention Approval and acceptance. I don't want to add to that that Regardless of what your career is and what you're doing on a day-to-day for your nine to five or whatever it is That you put food on the table. It is important to understand that your action behaviors affect everybody else and If you're acting in a high value manner, you're gonna be seen as a high value person Which means that people are going to be attracted to you. They're gonna take interest in you They're gonna want things from you. They're gonna want to be around you because you give value Now the other side of that is when you're listening to she might think well, I'm not an entrepreneur I'm not pitching meetings. I'm happily married Regardless of that you your actions of behavior still affect people and so if you're acting in a low value manner You are pushing people away. So We discussed on this show about weak ties and how weak ties are how people Network to get things done in their lives. So if Joe a Friend of yours is looking for somebody that can help him out What a specific situation if you're acting in a high value manner Bill who's the connection between you and his buddy is going to think of you first Why because you're top of mind. You're a high value guy. He can trust you He's going to make that connection. So when you act in this manner, this is how you're you're attracting these Opportunities and when you're acting in a low value manner Well, your name is not going to pop up in the mental Rolodex. In fact, your name will be far from it and because of that When you understand that someone who's high value someone who is cooperative Someone who is not chasing attention approval acceptance from others but instead giving it What ends up happening is you attract other high value people Low value behaviors actually attract toxic narcissistic abusive people So if you find yourself Constantly surrounded by people who are tearing you down who are taking from you who are cheating on you Who are just general toxic people? It's not just that. Hey, you got to remove the toxic people in your life It's also an opportunity for you to look inward to the patterns of communication and behavior that you're exhibiting That is the beacon that light that is allowing these people to stay in your life and Many times during our x-factor program when we're talking to clients who have this realization This light bulb goes off around an instance of low value behavior an environment that evokes low value behavior in themselves that shift Happens rapidly where you now are able to draw a boundary So last month we had on Nedra. We were talking about drawing boundaries We're we've talked a lot on the show about removing toxic people from our life. What happens is Low value people are easily Pushed around swayed maneuvered taken advantage of you struggle to draw boundaries as a low value person Because you are not sure where you're gonna get that attention from if you lose this person in your life So we will have clients have this light bulb go off and go wow I thought this person was my best friend, but in actuality. I was enabling them I didn't draw a boundary or wow this family member was emotionally abusive and I was putting up with it because I Needed that attention. I needed that appreciation. I needed that acceptance So it's such a profound shift is why we want to start with this perspective first because This will change the way every other tip strategy tactic You've learned from our toolbox episodes over the last 15 years Actually gets results in your life All right So we ready to start this because we did a lot of talking there And I wanted to start to get into the meet so that everyone could have some fun with this because the idea on its On its face value is really exciting But when we start getting into the meat of this some of you are gonna start getting a little bit Uncomfortable because well some of these behaviors and patterns of these behaviors will be recognizable But as I mentioned earlier, that's okay because we need to identify them first in order to fix them And no one is a high value person without Understanding where they had come from and being able to grow into being a high value person And no one is a high value person 100% of the time. No, we all slip in certain environments will be triggered It'll bring up this pattern. So doing the work Being someone who is into self-development you realize that it's a process. It's not an outcome So it's not about just listening to this podcast changing a couple things and then saying, okay I'm fixed. I'm never going to be low value again There are going to be moments and there's still moments for me or I'm like, wow That was really low value behavior. I want to fix that and I want to think about What evoked that in me? What was that that brought that pattern back out of me? All right, shall we get it started? Yes. All right. So first I think we should talk about the mechanism of why it works You hinted at it, but I want to put it in very clear terms, right? So Uh As animals We are a certain species of animals. Uh, we are herd animals So that means that we need attention Approval and acceptance from the herd So that on maslow's hierarchy of needs the first rung is met which is our safety Once we feel safe everything else from there grows Being able to actualize our full potential and being creative and all this other stuff But we can't do any of that until our basic needs of safety is met first in order to feel safe We need attention approval and acceptance Now i'm sure there's somebody in this audience right now is going. I don't need any of that Well, you do because you're a human being we all crave it and once you understand that You can use that to your benefit you can use that to your advantage. All right, so How do we get the attention approval and acceptance that we need? Well, how we go about doing that changes as aj mentioned for a lot of people the first way they learn to get attention from people Is the cry when you're a child that gets you attention and then You learn from that and then as a child you learn that you have this magical power That anytime that you start crying throw an attention whatever you need to do That you are going to get the attention that you desire And for some of you you've never left that first learned pattern in fact We can see it on social media times where people seem to post their new element every day right in order to get attention it may not be the attention that you need or Attention that is good for you But you have to understand that it's attention nonetheless and that's why it is so powerful and for some people Bad attention is as good as good attention In fact, there is a when it comes to entertainment There's an old law that still very very relevant to this day that all publicity is good publicity So when we are in a state of crying to get attention as a kid Some of us break it because our parents, maybe they've gone through sleep training Maybe our parents have just grown tired of the tears will no longer respond to just you crying So as a child you are still craving attention So you will come up with new strategies to get your parents attention Sometimes it's doing exceedingly well in sports in school with your homework It's performance driven and guess what that'll often carry on into your career Many of our successful clients are seeking that attention that approval and that acceptance through Hard work through grinding it out through excelling in their career And then they will come to us and be frustrated that that Excelling in my career does not lead to quality relationships in other areas of my life People don't want to talk about your Ivy League background People don't really care about just how well you did on that last consulting project But these are again patterns and strategies that are shifting and evolving as we evolve Again chasing that value from others All right, so that's attention So we should move on to the next one right the other one is approval So the mechanisms are the three a's attention approval and acceptance We define those three things as value and For low value behaviors. It's how do you get that value that allows you to feel good? That feeling of good is that you're accepted by the herd. So that means that you are safe That's how it all works. So the next one we've already talked about acceptance is going to be approval Now approval is about the decisions that you are going to make in life that are going to One give you an identity It is going to put food on the table It is for you to articulate your world view and which others are going to be able to connect All of these things put you in a place where you have to make decisions on how you want to go about it The path that you choose Now having those many forks in the road and all of these decisions You're looking around at the other folks in the herd going which one should I take and they're like Ah, take the one you think is best now Some of those choices are going to lead to a lot of approval Some of those choices They're not going to lead to any in fact We had just done a wonderful interview with Todd Kashton called the art and subordination About choosing the path that is right for you But may not have the acceptance from everybody else and how hard taking those those loan roads are at times Now how you go about getting that approval Is just as important as how you go about getting that attention But approval is more than attention Attention is looking at you. It's listening to you Approval is when they actually start to appreciate you they start to Pay even more attention to you. They start to agree with you Now you can start to see how these these things build and when you build a life around chasing this from others Well, that's going to be a lot of work And it's also going to start attracting People who are also chasing it for the right and wrong reasons Now acceptance Right the third level of this Is when you actually form those bonds those connections those relationships So obviously we have getting people to give you the thumbs up on facebook Maybe comment on your instagram post get slam the heart on your tiktok Yeah, that's a little bit of attention right mixed in with some slight approval Now we're talking about acceptance. We're talking about inviting you on the boat trip We're talking about going on the date with you. We're talking about welcoming you to the team Bringing you on board in the axe throwing club being invited to the party That is acceptance. We all crave it every single one of us craves it In fact, that is why you're listening to this podcast here Don and I were laughing earlier We were talking about some things that we're working on for the podcast content and for the show fans And we said listen, we're not here to talk about celebrity gossip. We're not here to talk politics We're here to talk human dynamics relationship building skills So if you're listening to the show odds are you're looking for more strategies for acceptance for building those relationships and those close ties Now I want you to understand the power that those three things have Because when you have them you're included in the herd and the herd the other thing you have to be mindful of Is that if you go to the front of the herd as the leader of the herd, right? You would think oh everyone wants to be the leader. Well, no, that's not the case because the minute you're the leader Other people in the herd will be looking to take you out. There'll be some very driven Uh animals in the herd. They're like I can do a better job So you don't want to get too far up Right, but the other side of that is you don't want to get too far behind because then you get picked off This mentality this herd mentality has been with us since the dawn of time of our species It's who we are at a very innate level And we have to combat and fight these these innate tendencies all the time And so for us the very basic need is to be somewhere in the middle of that herd with a lot of approval A lot of acceptance and a lot of attention that we're in the right place And once we have that we feel good getting too far outside or too far ahead brings on the anxieties Of danger because well you are putting yourself in danger in those positions You will be outside the herd when you're outside the herd. That's where anxiety begins absolutely So what are some strategies that we will develop as patterns to our behavior In a low value way of seeking out those three things from others And as we go through these, you know, we first started teaching this we assigned numbers to it But in actuality all three of them are equal in being low value And to some people they'll look slightly different to others But at the end of the day there are behaviors and patterns that you don't want to exhibit if you Want to surround yourself with high value people now high value people by definition are not threatened by you They live a life of abundance Meaning they are not chasing attention approval and acceptance. They don't feel that they're at the head of the herd They don't feel that they're behind the herd They feel like they are ready to self actualize and they would like nothing more than for you to self actualize Now they're few and far between And that can I want to add to that as well? That when you get to that point as a high value person and we're going to do a special Complete episode on that next month Your self actualization becomes more important to you than the herd So you're able to use the herd for the support that you need it But you're also able to accomplish and aspire to your Greatness as well And you're not afraid to leave the herd when there is choices that make that allow you to actualize That full potential that becomes the most important So as the high value person is looking to self actualize the low value people are just looking to maintain Which is why we've had such a variety of guests on the show. We've had Athletes we've had mindset coaches of athletes mindset coaches of elite special operators Why because self actualization is a high value trait? And if you want to attract amazing people into your life, then self actualization is the best way to do that But we have to get above the herd to do that. We have to get above these tendencies to get to that place Now if you are in a situation where you are chasing these three things attention Approval acceptance Constantly from others You oftentimes will be exhibiting these low value behavior patterns You will then be communicating to those who are high value that you're not ready for self actualization You're living a life of scarcity And scarcity actually robs anyone else in your life from getting to that next level It's an anxiety place that does not allow one to self actualize So if you're following along We're going to go through these three behaviors Break down some nonverbal and verbal signals so that you will most likely first start to see them in others That's completely normal. And that's a cognitive bias We all view ourselves in a higher regard than we are in reality And we're able very quickly to recognize patterns and others that we're probably exhibiting in ourselves Which is why in the x-factor accelerator We're filming our clients constantly To hold up that mirror to give you an opportunity to get beyond your cognitive distortions that are keeping you from that Self actualization that are keeping you from your real potential. So Supplicative is an old Word it's an old word. It means to beg and what have we been talking about this whole time Value attention approval and acceptance So it is behaviors that beg for people to like you And i'm going to give everyone a mission who's listening to this right now and your mission Is to go out to a social event this evening and ask 50 people to Please like me That's what I want you to do. I want you to walk up to 50 people and ask them to please like you How would you feel? How would that make you feel? Now for most people you're probably cringing Wherever you are right now and you should be because that is a very low value behavior It puts you in a place of needing attention acceptance and approval from other people That is Supplicative behavior now we're going to break down A bunch of those behaviors to give you an idea of what you're going to be looking for and if we Come across any behaviors that you exhibit I want you to be honest with yourself because the more honest you are with yourself Listen to this podcast right now the better you're going to be after this is over. All right The faster the change is going to happen, right? We can't change ourselves if we're dishonest about it. So Please like me. Let's start with that lens, right? walking around la You see a lot of people who are outside the herd Unfortunately, who've been left behind by society who are struggling with drug addiction mental illness And what are they doing? They're begging for any attention possible in hopes of getting some support Some connection and we've talked about this on the show in the past. Some of them will stop traffic They'll get in remove all chance of their own personal safety just to get attention So we can see on others that that's probably not a good way to go about getting other people connected to you Getting other people to self actualize around you and want to support you But we do this in a lot of nefarious ways that are unconscious that we don't even realize The first is the victim narrative Where everything in life is conspiring against you You being at the center of it your boss is out to get you your neighbor is screwing with you That person who cut you off is trying to keep you from getting to work If you find yourself consistently feeling Like you are the victim of someone else's behaviors and actions You're actually acting in a supplicative manner You are Using that victim mentality and that victim narrative to get other people to pay attention to you to get other people To support you to get other people invested in you Now it doesn't at the surface seem supplicative, right? It's not like please i'm begging you to like me But playing the victim is actually begging people to Support you and you can draw a direct line to childhood, right crying to get attention Approval and acceptance as we mentioned some people never grow out of that first pattern All right, so there we have the victim mentality now. What goes with the victim mentality? We have shrinking so getting smaller if you go to a Social event and you find yourself up against the wall immediately pulling out your phone trying to Shrink into the bushes like the Homer Simpson meme you're being supplicative You're there's a reason for doing that and it's not feeling as if you are able to take up worthy of taking up that space This is very important now. You know, you're not gonna logically come to that conscious conclusion But these are we're talking about deep seated innate behaviors now When we think about being smaller crossing our arms Hiding not being visible closing your body off Is also a way to make yourself smaller You might not physically be smaller in stature But if if you're against the wall at an event if you're trying not to be seen If you're actually avoiding interaction you are Playing the victim you are being smaller. You are supplicating hoping that someone will see you and your small stricken state and come over and talk to you Now another way that we supplicate Another way that we beg other people to like us So you're looking to other people to make decisions. So whatever way the wind blows That's great for you In fact, the more decisions other people are making the better because you don't have to put yourself out on a limb Your decisions are not the ones that are going to be scrutinized You could just bob your head nod your head and say this is fine. No matter what's going on around you Being a people pleaser people pleaser Constantly elevating the opinions of others So maybe you overheard someone say, oh those shoes are out of style and immediately you stop wearing them You lose all conviction. You are unwilling to put your neck out there for fear that you will no longer get the attention You will no longer be approved of and you will no longer be accepted in the group So think about how much have you shape shifted chameleon to be a part of something? Do you find yourself constantly joining different countercultures and changing your identity? One minute you're a rock and roller and the next minute you're emo and the next minute you're Going out into your athletic gear If you don't actually have conviction and you're so worried about other people's opinions and approval of you These people pleasing tendencies are supplicative And you know, I was while you're bringing that up memories going back to When you're a teenager and you're trying to discover who your identity, right? Your own identity outside of your family All right, this is the first time and you see other kids and you're trying to connect with them And you want to you see certain groups that may aesthetically Look interesting to you or you see the kids who are getting all the attention So you want to be like one of those kids? So what we see is teenagers putting themselves out on a limb Trying to feel their way into an identity in which they're going to be accepted That is such an incredibly difficult time for young people, but it is part of the process And that's why so many of us don't have necessarily fond memories Of those high school middle school moments of trying to figure out that identity and figure out which herd you are a part of Truly the last one I want to bring up is agreeableness And it is part of the ocean psychology test temperament test And we use it as an intake form for our program So there's a certain patterns that a lot of our our clients tend to to fall into It's a great test just to look at personalities and agreeableness and being high on agreeable is It's either really high with agreeableness or really low on agreeableness. So either rigid Or you say yes to everything because it's the easy answer and people pleasers tend to say yes to everything And I want to make a special note here as well. There's nothing wrong with being Overly agreeable. It's only when you put everyone else's needs before your own This is much like you I've heard you use this analogy of Being on an airplane and putting your mask on before you put on ever that you're helping your passengers Yeah It's this need to check in with everyone While you're out. How you doing? You liking the music? How's the beverage? Okay for you the food? Okay? What about the temperature? You know, it's this constant outward attention on other people's comfort other people's needs And in fact many times and I've struggled with this myself You then get to a point where you can't even articulate your own needs because you're so tuned in to the needs of others And this was a big part of my childhood the way that I was raised that My dad's needs were on a pedestal. They were the most important and I remember watching that. I believe it was a chris rock Special where dad always got the chicken leg, you know Same thing in my house and it was like everyone was happy When dad's needs were met because dad worked his tail off in a blue collar job to put food on the table So we were all managing his needs first and in in turn that Quieted my needs to push my needs to the side my emotions. I was less in tune of Now Of course at first being supplicative is a way to get your foot in the door Sure Right, who doesn't like an agreeable person who doesn't like someone who's gonna foot the bill Who's gonna be the one to cover the uber ride who's gonna be the one to always text first? And always respond Right, but that robs you of effort energy to meet your own needs To put that oxygen mask on first to get to a level of self actualization So we've done a bunch of behaviors there For a supplicative. I also want to make sure that we throw in a few nonverbals Yeah, because everyone's like, oh, I don't do anything that I'm doing that I want I want to throw in a few nonverbals because those are always the trickiest and then we'll go on to the next one How that's on so the most important nonverbal I think that cannot be understated in this and we see it all the time and it's why we do video work is Too much positive body language now on this podcast is going to be a little bit difficult For us to go through this but this is going to be on youtube as well So the first the front half of me is positive body language If I was shoulder to shoulder with aj Then we would be neutral to each other and then if I turned my back to aj That is negative body language Agreeable people who are looking for attention Approval and acceptance tend to go full positive to everyone they speak to To such a high degree that it puts too much pressure on the person that they're speaking to This makes the other person feel Have some anxiety get on them They're feeling tension and pressure in order to perform and entertain this person they're speaking to and so for them It will be easier to opt out of this conversation than to stay in it So imagine your iron man With that that magical nuclear power driven heart And that beam coming from your chest is just shining directly on the other person non-stop It's a lot and at first it sounds well, why wouldn't I why wouldn't I want to give the other person attention? Why wouldn't I want to show them that i'm interested in them? Why wouldn't I want them to know that i'm listening? But as johnny said We again are putting all of our focus on the other person We're shining this beam straight from our chest at the other person and all it does Is actually repel the other person it makes them uncomfortable It's too much of a need to please the other person non verbally So we talked about shrinking making yourself smaller. We've talked about fully facing someone The other one that we see a lot of on our video work in x-factor accelerator is avoidance of eye contact So you'll find yourself Unable to look people in the eye for fear of judgment for fear of being found out or maybe just general discomfort But again what that is signifying not only a lack of confidence But it's signifying that Your needs are not that important. It doesn't matter where you're looking like you're just happy to be there You know, it's it's making yourself small in non-verbal ways That send a signal of a lack of confidence And actually elevates the status of everyone around you to your own detriment I think the last one I just want to throw in there is when you're in the context of this communication When you're speaking to somebody that you're interested in or you want approval of or that you like the other part is we have the full positive body language And then we have the eye contact going on but for the person Who is putting the low value person who is giving them all the attention? Who is giving them all the positive body language? It makes it hard for them to then be at their best Verbally because they're giving them all their attention The attention and pressure is feeling between the two people And on top of that to get away from that tension of pressure They tend to self soothe so they'll close off and they'll be they'll become insular Right. They'll you'll cross your arms and rub yourself Touching yourself is self soothing grabbing your phone and putting your phone in front of you to block you Clutching drinks into your chest right was a big one your drink close to you close to your heart even so another one that I want to point out and We have one client who we we've called him out a couple times on this and he didn't realize it But again, he was in such a strong state of being supplicative around everyone Just wanting them to like him you actually your vocal tonality Changes and it ends everything on an upward trajectory And what ends up happening is you you almost sound like you're asking a question of the other person You sound unsure of yourself. You're lacking again in conviction and confidence in what you're saying And in that you're basically allowing the other person's opinions views values Needs wants to hold the power in any conversation So paying attention to your behavior patterns in the way that you speak your tonality the way that you carry your body And how you are going about getting this attention approval and acceptance from others by begging for it is One low value behavior pattern that we want to avoid especially when building relationships with people seeking high value people in our life All right Second one now This is going to feel almost like a complete 180 from Sublutive and a lot of aspects are but we don't want to get in this binary idea that it's the opposite of the other Because they're both equally as bad right and that's why we stop numbering them because when you add numbers It leads to a gradation. That's just not really relevant Now the second is combative Right, so instead of begging for that attention that approval that acceptance Now you're going to argue your way to it. You're going to just take it. You're going to take it through intimidation Yeah, by putting the other person down by physical force By refusing to bend By making the other person feel supplicative is smaller Right, so instead of coming in lesser than it's coming in over the top more than And here's the thing about this one You learn this at an early age when you perhaps maybe you're a little bit bigger than the other kids on the block Or maybe you're a little bit more athletic than some of the kids on the block or sometimes just out yelling your mom Right, it's her to stop. Yeah, so so now these behaviors you recognize that the louder the more intimidating The more you want to enter into conflict You begin to realize that most people will avoid All of those interactions So you will get what you want due to being intimidating and again for some people They never grow out of it. So now you're seeing this in full display in in our world today and it comes in the form of stepping in a people's personal space Putting others down being argumentative just for the sake of being argumentative because People begin to realize that dealing with you is a lot of trouble. It's a big hassle. So they just opt out of it You're thinking oh, I become dominant. You're not dominant. They're just people just don't want to deal with you Right. It's it's having a short fuse. It's ending everything Louder larger more commanding than necessary These people are very easy to see much like Supplicative folks because soon as they get in a in an uncomfortable situation Their go-to is to inflate To get bigger to get louder to to become in your space get in your space become argumentative I mean the the perfect example is the internet meme the Karen Right, that's an example that I think all of us have laughed at over the years where it's just like They don't back down. They argue for the sake of arguing and of course They're getting attention. Mm-hmm. They're getting a lot of attention. You'll everyone will stop and look at a Karen Everyone will stop and go well. Who's yelling? What's going on here? What's all this commotion? Also, the internet is very easy to see these people because they don't have to we were just talking about this They don't have to interact with people in the world. So therefore there is no compromise So their their avatar is this big bully on the internet This is just the way it is and it's nothing else that if you don't see it my way Then i'm just going to block you and so they have built this world around them that perpetuates This combative attitude Then when you're in the world world, right, we have to compromise There are there is communication and interactions that are going on verbally and non verbally That allows us all to get along and the better our skills are And acknowledging that the easier it is for us to maneuver in the world If we're rigid in those skills, you are going to be met with obstacle after obstacle after obstacle Why make this hard on yourself? The reason it's difficult for combative people to understand that Is for them for a lot of them as long as i'm not getting walked over i'm the walkie As long as i'm not getting run over then i'm the walker i'm doing the i'm walking on other people and so They have taken an identity In being that person Anything else would mean that they would have to compromise or step down It's a direct attack on this identity and i would even say for some combative people It's hard for them to shake out of that value because it is so ingrained in them And they're so insecure about being seen in any other way And i will say for the nice guy who swings the pendulum completely to the other side Well, i'm not going to get walked all over anymore Those tend to be the ones who get stuck there. Yeah, we talked about the victim hood pattern was supplicative Now we have black and white thinking With combative it's a cognitive distortion. That's run amok. So you have on supplicative side The world is conspiring against me on the combative side. You got to take everything in this world There is everything has to be taken and you take it by force Now as you can imagine someone who's high value someone who doesn't view conflict as a net positive Will do and deal with conflict as it arises because it's a part of human nature So they're not going to avoid it But they're certainly not looking for it versus a combative person looking for conflict So as johnny said let's let's highlight some of these nonverbal signals, right? So we have posturing We have making yourself larger taking up more physical space and in the process actually getting in others personal space They almost seem like they're inflating Yeah Well, they're usually are full of hot air Full of hot air. That's for sure. They will make just copious amounts of eye contact So we have supplicative who's like looking around constantly like trying to figure out is this okay. Am I okay? They are piercing eye contact. They want to see you look away. They want to see you blink And I would say this some of this is some some old macho stuff that just doesn't pay off in our world today And and I don't and I think they're just gentlemen tells rather than old wives tells their gentlemen tells Which is when you shake a guy's hand make sure you squeeze it tight to let him know that you're you mean business You're the boss And when you make sure you look him in the eye So he knows who you are a great handshake and great eye contact go a long way But again with interaction. It's not one thing or the other There is a there is a gray area where you want to hit where it shows. Yeah, I am confident And I bet you're awesome too. So we're gonna be awesome together now combative Of course, it's easy to see how it repels right supplicative When you actually stop to think about it. Yeah, okay, it is repelling especially repeatedly combative We all can agree is repelling. Let's talk about the third low value behavior pattern This one Is an interesting one. We see it in a lot of clients because it does accomplish One of maslow's basic needs. Yes putting food on the table. Yes, it does in a world of survival Being competitive being a winner And a winner take all environment or mindset that is going to get you paid That is going to get you options in your dating life That is going to make you feel like you're coming out ahead And what i'm about to say is going to piss off some of y'all because you spent your life in this mode and we call this competitive And immediately there's already people thinking and I thought this as well. What is wrong with being competitive? And i'll tell you there's nothing wrong with being competitive good healthy competition makes the world and you better We like sports. We like capitalism. We understand that competition Healthy competition has a great place in the world But when it comes to relationships When it comes to getting attention approval and acceptance from others Competing for it is actually low value and it pushes others away and we'll get to those moments What I also want to add to that is again this stems from early childhood And so if you get a lot of attention Let's just say you were talking about grades, right? Perhaps you were out competing your classmates and grades and you got a lot of attention for that For some people they grew up in an athletic focus household where they were Mattles and trophies and all right They're all on the wall and they go with that and and that allows them to feel good The issue and where this gets you in trouble like anything else is when you start to look at everything at as a competition It's either I win or I've lost and we talk about this all the time If you have that sort of mentality in cells, you're gonna get crushed because cells isn't linear You're gonna you put out the good vibes. You you let them know how you can solve their their problem You're having a good time and then when they're ready, they're gonna make that that buy But if you it's either you're either signing on this or you're out of my life forever Don't you ever Combi's for closers right competitive right we play this video clip for effect inside of our live training in the x-factor Because it does such a great job of showcasing the competitiveness in glen gary glenn ross That famous sales movie all the values that we're discussing are represented very well in that movie But the caveat there is that you are watching a perspective that the director Wants you to see it and he's framing these behaviors and actions in a certain way for a certain effect. That's called Movie magic, but we'll leave it at that check out the movie. Watch the behaviors now. We had victimhood supplicative We had take it black and white thinking combative Competitive is the one upper. Yeah, so I'm going to give three Verbals for each one or well a verbal for each one supplicative. Please like me combative You suck competitive Better than you whoa Think about that Right all three of those things if we were to tell you right now today johnny are hanging out in vegas Hit the boulevard hit the strip tell 50 people. Please like me How far are you getting not going very far? No An actuality here in vegas or any big city. There'll be some people who might find that quite interesting You wouldn't last 50 Now go up to 50 people in the casino. You suck. Yeah, how's that you're getting past five or six Go up to 50 people As they're winning at the blackjack table Better than you better than you Also Not collecting very many winnings now for some of you who are still not getting it and still trying to think Oh, listen, man. I've been competing my whole life and this is this is the deal This is this is where it gets you the farthest I'm going to break it down for you because you are exerting energy and time and effort for Nothing and it's all it's doing is putting hurdles in front of you so think about The term we put there better than you So that means in every interaction you have to demonstrate how you're better than the person you're speaking to That is exhausting and well, how does that come up? Well, it comes in the form of telling a better story than the guy that just told a story Um showing the nicer watch talking about the better house the faster car the more expensive shoes The cooler honeymoon. I mean it comes out in so many ways And once you install this lens and you see it and you see how many people around you are seeking value through competition It rubs you the wrong way. Why? Because it's scarcity It means someone has to win therefore ergo Someone's losing and if you were around you're either getting in competition and if you're not Then you are the loser end and if you are you have to out work and compete the the person who put you in the competition So you feel like a winner Is that person who feels like a loser at the end of that conversation going to want to spend more time with you? No, no, so when you're living in scarcity Which we talk about that frame. This is what we mean practically You are looking for ways and many of us Myself included i've i've been there you're listening to a story And you're hearing something and you're like well I did that better. I stated a cooler resort. Yeah, I I did a Much better result on that exam. I got a higher score on my sat I went to a better school It happens why because modern society capitalism is built on competition It's woven in to how we're putting food on the table and of course in sports. It's great Absolutely building relationships Not so great and you know, we had Mira kershinbaum on the show And it was interesting because one of her points about relationships Is power plays and fairness and fairness and those power plays Are competition. It's letting the other person know that you are lesser than they are now healthy relationships Do not work in that manner. They do not So what does the competitor do? What is the constant competition? Always points out where they got one over on you where they did it better Every story you you're itching to share a moment where you can shine You have to be in the spotlight and seen as the winner another one that I want to bring up Think about the times that you maybe have been out with friends and you were in a conversation Maybe there was a few of you chatting up a few girls that you had been interested in and one of the guys Is just cutting everybody off just trying to soak up the spotlight and or Season opportunity to put you and your mates down in order to make himself look better And now all of a sudden I bet everyone's going I know that guy Or even worse I But it doesn't work ultimately it might work in that moment Right, it might make you feel good in the short term But that's a lot of what we're talking about here all these behaviors in the short term They give you that dopamine they give you that little hit of serotonin make you feel good in the moment But over the long term these behaviors are to the detriment of healthy relationships and they repel High value people so whether you're begging for it Whether you're combating people for it and beating them up Physically verbally over it or you're just one upping them The other person doesn't feel so great around you And therefore it's probably not going to want to spend more time with you And if they're high value and they're seeking self-actualization, they're not interested in victimhood They're not interested in fighting and they're not interested in competing in every facet of life and I want to Just to go touch on what we were talking about earlier as we wrap this up Which is you can sit on the couch and you can listen to this and go Oh, I'm so glad that I don't do any of those behaviors We're not talking about what you're doing right now why you're on the couch and why you're comfortable It's how you operate when you are not on the couch when you're not comfortable when you are under tension and pressure Because high value people are able to escape those three behaviors And become high value in those moments and when we come back Next month that is what we're going to tell you how to do