 Steaks being a fat red-headed white guy. Every Halloween it was the same costume. Fat Ronald McDonald. All my friends are trick-or-treating around the neighborhood. My parents, they're dropping me off at Mickey D's. Chicky treat! Here's a pickle. After every Halloween my friends are going to the dentist's office. My parents are taking me in for a cholesterol check. I think Halloween though is a lot more fun as an adult. When I think about it as a kid you're always broke right? So no matter what your parents say, you have to take candy from strangers. As an adult I can afford my own big bag of baby roofs. The fun size. I love that term fun size for candy bars. Although really come on let's face it any size candy bar is a fun size. As an adult I don't have to worry about my my candy disappearing because my parents needed to inspect it. Oh right like my parents were the only ones who rifled through their kids Halloween candy. Hey uh we're gonna buy you a costume walk around for a couple hours with you. We're gonna get some of that. Yeah it's the law. It's called candy tax. Welcome to adulthood. All they ever left me with were popcorn balls, sugarless gum, wax lips. Wax lips? What flavor were wax lips? They tasted like feet didn't they? Wax lips was not even real candy and you learned that the hard way the first time didn't yeah. Oh yeah you start chewing it up, swallowing it, constipated for three weeks. Yeah you never looked at a block of cheese the same way ever again did you? Yeah. You remember when you used to take the wax lips and you turn them around and start making out with them like they were your girlfriend? You don't remember? You don't remember that? Okay. My neighborhood we had a dentist. Boy that guy can suck the joy right out of trick-or-treating. Oh here you go kiddies use your toothpaste, toothbrush and dental floss and you get a tongue scraper. Every year that guy's house got t-peed. I should know I was next door passing out the cat and l. I mean I don't care if you want to pass out dental equipment. Was it gonna kill you to duct tape it to a gobstopper? Well you're a dentist for crying out loud. Create business. Pass out pixie sticks. It's tooth decay in a straw. It's cavities. In a convenient applicator. Throw in a business card. Boom. Tax deductible. Remember this one year, this lady at the bottom of our streets she ran out of candy early. She stuck past that little sandwich bag used full of potpourri. Tell you what taste of that. I was digging for the toothpaste. Where are they? Where did I put those wax lips? Some kids go trick-or-treating at the mall. I guess the parents think it's safer there. Right, it must be that impenetrable mall security guy, huh? What are you kidding me? That guy doesn't have a gun. He doesn't even have real handcuffs. He has to use twisty ties here. That's it pal. Hands behind your back. I'm taking you in. You and your little sister. Alright, hop into my bicycle basket. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say candy will be used against you on Judge Judy. By the time Halloween rolls around, haven't the malls already been decked out for Christmas? That's just stupid. Kick-a-treat. Scary Pat Quinn got to what you want for quantum.