 A-M-B-L-S. That's right, folks. B for comedy. A for Abbott. M for Maxwell. B for Annus. L for Lou Costello. Yes, they spell camel, the cigarette of costlier, properly aged tobaccos, that brings you the camel show starring Bud Abbott and Lou Costello. Where is Costello's house? Well, A is 204. There's 205. 205 and 7-8. 205 and 9-16. Oh, here it is, here it is, here it is. Oh, Mr. Abbott, I never thought you'd get here in time. How is Costello? Oh, I'm so worried, Mr. Abbott. I've never seen him this way. I'm afraid of you. Don't say it, don't say it, my pal Costello. Oh, Mrs. Adams. Yes? If anything should happen to Costello, promise me one thing. What? Promise me you won't rent his room until you hear from me, please. I promise. Won't you come in? You'll have to excuse the appearance of the place. I haven't had time to pick up any of this junk on the floor. Try not to step on my husband, it's his birthday. Yes, I'll be careful. Well, I'm so sentimental, Mr. Abbott. Do you think I ought to stick a candle in his mouth? Yes, by all means. Look, where is Costello's room? Right over there. Thank you. Come in. Mother! Costello, don't you know me? I'm Abbott. Oh, those green slacks fool me. Oh, Abbott, am I glad to see you. What in the world is the matter with you? I'm afraid there's a screw loose in my mind. My goodness, you had me worried. I thought it was something serious. It is serious, very serious. My mind is just like a brain to me. Abbott, you've got to help me. Well, what is the matter with you? Remember that dream I had where to follow us at every time I told a lie or did something bad? He'd blow a horn. Well, what about it? Do you know where I can reach Petrillo? Oh, come, come, come. You just imagine it. No, I don't. All day long, night and day, he follows me around, blowing that horn. Now I know how Betty Grable must feel. Oh, Costello, you're acting like a child. You probably haven't had enough sleep. Did you drink anything last night? You know I don't drink. Were you out late with a girl? You know I never have anything to do with girls. Did, did someone say Costello? There it goes again. Abbott, it's the guy with the horn. Oh, I didn't hear anything. Abbott. Yes? Is there anyone in back of me? All there is in back of you is more of you. Abbott, there's something wrong with me. I knew at the moment I walked through that door. How did you know? The door was closed. Wow. Mr. Costello, four o'clock, time for your medicine. Wait a minute, Costello. That's a dog biscuit. They work. I haven't held them two days. Will you stop this foolishness? You need a change of scenery. We'll drive to the beach and give the girls the ones of what do you say? Oh, that stuff bores me. Abbott. What now? I heard that music. I didn't hear a thing. I heard the music. Oh, I wish my mother was here. Why? She danced with me. Costello, you're going to drive yourself nuts. Don't say that. Life couldn't be that cruel to me. I'm a nice guy. Look at me. I'm in my prime. Everything to live for. A perfect specimen. I am. I'm a perfect specimen. 260 pounds of bulging muscles. Flatty muscles, teensy wingsy muscles. Blubber? Blubber. Hey, who are you talking to? The guy with the horn. He just gave me another argument. Look, Costello, there's nothing wrong with you. You're just as normal as you ever were. That's right. Kick a man when he's down. Oh, how could this happen to me? I'm good to my mother. I got money in the bank. I love animals. Hey, wait a minute. You say you've got money in the bank? About $400. 28 bucks. What? 28 bucks, eh? Oh, boy, if I could only get my hands on that. What did you say? I said that's a lot to have on your hands. Let me look at you. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Ha-ha. I'm dying. He's cleaning his teeth. Costello, you're not dying. What's happening to you is far worse. I know it. I knew it last night when the landlady brought up that pot roast. Huh. Why, pot roast is very good for you. That's why I think I'm going baddie. Why? After I ate the pot, I had no appetite for the roast. What am I gonna do, Abbott? Well, Costello, any time something like this happens to a man, someone has to administer his estate. Now, you don't want to leave all of that $28 to the government, do you? Oh, no. Some foreign country might hear about it and try to make a loan. Sure. Besides, I always figured I'd leave it to my Aunt Marie. Your Aunt Marie? Yeah. She was so good, she was like a mother to me, a father, a sister, a brother, an uncle, a grandmother. And we all lived together in one little room. No. No, Costello. We have to put the money where it'll do the most good. I'd like to leave something to my girl Gladys. Oh, why worry about her? She's got a good job with the carnival. Yes, I know. But one of these nights someone's gonna throw that baseball straight and knock her head right off. Now, let me see. $28. That's not enough to start a college, is it? No. How about a small college? No. Junior college? No, Costello. You're thinking all wrong. Who is your best friend? You. Now you're thinking. Hey, if you'll forgive me, I'd like to ask a silly question. How do I know you won't spend the money? You're forgiven. Thank you. Now, I don't forget. We want to make this all legal in binding. We'll get a lawyer and put everything in writing. Is that okay? Well, if you want a good lawyer, call my uncle. Where can I get him? Well, call Fidelhofer, Binks, Burnsweiger, Binks, Immoflacker, Binks, and Spandolian, Binks. Why so many Binks? It's the same guy. He'd just like to keep an eye on the others. Look, which one is your uncle? Jones. Jones? Yeah, of Jones, Phantascram, Retner, Dewitt, and Mulroney. Then why? Why do you tell me to call Fidelhofer, Binks, Burnsweiger, Binks, Immoflacker, Binks, and Spandolian, Binks? My uncle is with Jones, Phantascram, Retner, Dewitt, Mulroney. Why did you tell me that? Because Jones, Phantascram, Retner, Dewitt, and Mulroney's phone is out of order. And Fidelhofer, Binks, Burnsweiger, Binks, Immoflacker, Binks, and Spandolian, Binks will take the message. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Look, will you please repeat that? Are you kidding? I'm lucky I got it out there. Wait a minute. Come on, let me hear what you had to say. I can't. The line is busy. The line is busy. Castella, I don't think we should engage anyone you know. Let's be impartial about this. Let's get my lawyer. Uh-oh. That's good. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What's the matter? What do you mean impartial? If you can get your lawyer, why can't I get my lawyer? Hold on. You see, my lawyer doesn't know your lawyer. That makes it impartial. Oh, yeah. That makes sense. Come in. Oh, hello, Mr. Renus. Hiya, fellas. Skinny. Brace yourself. Castella has blown his tub. Yeah? Yeah. What's new? Oh, the... Hey, wait up. Wait up. Wait up. Hey, wait a minute. No, no, no, Castella. Don't excite yourself, Skinny. Yeah? The boy is emotionally upset. And I understand that the musical therapy is prescribed under such conditions. Is that true? Well, old therapy units will be glad to apply. That's well. All right, Castella. Compose yourself. Skinny is going to play some pretty music for you. Now, sit back. Come on up. Okay. Sit back there now. Now, relax. Now, I'll turn the lights down low. Okay. Now, close your eyes. I got it. That's one of them. Now, put your head right on my shoulder. Are you comfy? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Oh, that's wonderful. Anything else I can do for you? Uh-huh. What? Kiss me goodnight. Yeah, when you're going to lay down, I'll let you sleep. You're the one, I don't know why. i don't know why i love you like i do i don't know why i just do i don't know why you feel me like you do i don't know why you just do you've never seen the one life romantic the only time you hold me it's when we dance too i don't know why i love you like i do i don't know why i just do you've never seen the one life romantic the only time you hold me it's when we dance too i don't know why i love you like i do i don't know why i just do to a recent nationwide survey more doctors smoke camels than any other cigarette surgeons research doctors throat specialists general practitioners men in every branch medicine were included in the survey doctors in every single state of the union were questioned three leading independent research organizations asked 113,597 doctors this question what cigarette do you smoke doctor the brand named most was camel that's easy to understand if you smoke camel yourself after all a doctor can appreciate the rich full flavor and cool mildness of camels as much as you can if you are not a camel smoker now try camels on your tea zone that's tea for taste and tea for throat see if the rich full flavor and cool mildness of camels superb blend of costlier tobaccos don't serve your tea zone to a tea oh get up castel please oh i can't get them up um uh come in counselor sorry i'm laid out but i was detained at court how did you make out i was acquitted good mother got 20 years are you having a party no what makes you think that what's that beer barrel on the bed that's no beer barrel that's castello oh oh that's the jump you're taking for the 28 bucks huh what's the deal hallucinations uh can't you break his leg i'm terrific at assault and battery no no no no we're having a time for that uh hey castello wake up wake up oh oh okay okay okay goodbye gladdice will you forget gladdice castello i want you to meet uh counselor o2 oh glad to know you counselor know anybody over at fetal half a planet grand thanks for letting us in the blocker and will you please enough of that proceed counselor castello multiply 3,485,112 by 6,791,844 and um sorry time's up you're hoping i got hopeless fast now uh in this 28 dollar estate are there any debts outstanding well i owe the drugstore 30 cents for a quarter perfume i bought for my girl wait a minute quarter perfume that's pretty extravagant most fellas give their girl a dram well i guess i'm one of those fellas who just don't give a drama hey use her picture use her picture name is gladdice isn't she beautiful yes she is she's got pretty eyes hasn't she yeah her eyes are very pretty which do you like better the brown one or the blue one i can't decide the blue one fascinates me but then again the brown one goes nicely with the truck she's driving look do you speak to the case castello uh are there any other outstanding debts against the estate yes sir i still owe Abbott 10 cents for the tickets he got me to see up in central park 10 cents where did you sit up in central park now are there any other provisions you wish to make well yes sir if if i am taken away someone will have to look after my little friend for instance for breakfast rover must get a bone well okay a little bone for over gladdice yes and tabby just a little warm milk well okay warm milk for tabby and for flossy just orange juice and toast orange juice and toast yeah flossy is my sister oh i'll treat her just as if she's human and she'll appreciate it very much yeah now uh will you sign your name here castello okay i'll sign my name down here i gotta sign castello c os uh let me see gee i know that's as well as i know my own name um c os what comes next look what do you have with your crumb it a bit i get jelly all over me will you please stop stalling and sign that paper let me read it first take your time go ahead come here Abbott yeah what's the matter got everything set yeah i got harry the hypnotist from the carnival i'm giving him a third he's going to set up a whole work uh we'll call him the professor castello never know the difference we'll take him over it we'll take him over there to be examined okay right in front of him well castello have you signed it no and are you gonna until i get the candy what candy it says right here tasty mince tasty mince where that's last will and testament okay i'll sign it now all we have to do is see the professor who is it oh maryland maxwell gee fellas i'm bashful about a girl coming into my room would you fellas mind leaving now she's just the first thing we want to see uh come in hello boys oh hello louis oh she called me louis again i haven't been so thrilled since i took my first bubble bed louis what are you doing in bed miss maxwell do i look all right to you no but then you never did you see fellas you must be framing me hey miss maxwell mr castello is having hallucination oh louis i'm heartbroken would it make you feel better if i sang a song for you would you miss maxwell uh-huh and just because you are so upset i want to do everything i can to make things pleasant for you i want you to hold my hand now put your arm around my waist oh and snuggle real close to me mm-hmm yes i want to do everything i can for you just because you are in this condition oh brother the years i wasted in my right mind from metro bowman mayor producers of three wise fools comes that lovely singing star maryland maxwell accompanied by camo's own skinny anus in the orchestra the song it's a pity to say good night it's a pity to say good night because i never saw stars so bright but if you gotta go home you gotta go home give me a good night kiss it's a pity to say farewell because the man on the moon but if you gotta go home you gotta go home give me a good apple tree it's a pity to say because the ones you do hold but if you gotta go home you gotta go home it's just one no more but if you gotta get lost you have to go home make sure you're heading for home baby don't roam and if we really must part heart give me a good kiss good night a five-year-old child today has the life expectancy almost 10 years longer than was her mother's and a good 18 to 20 years longer than that of her grandmother you can thank your doctor and thousands like him or it's the amazing strides of medical science that have added years to life expectancy the makers of camels are understandably proud of the standing of camels with the medical profession three leading independent research organizations recently made a survey of doctor's cigarette preferences they questioned doctors in every branch of medicine doctors in every state of the union what cigarette do you smoke doctor they put that question to 113,597 doctors the brand named most was camel yes according to a recent nationwide survey more doctors smoke camels than any other cigarette hello this is the office of professor wilkins hypnotist geologist archaeologist and egyptologist office hours 12 to 3 which is exactly the score by which st louis b boston you're welcome goodbye habit i don't like the looks of this place oh quiet oh miss we have an appointment please you can't catch me what was that nothing she missed what's wrong with that guy oh nothing he thinks he's in an apartment he's playing hard to get he thinks in an apartment all he has on is a pair of shorts well he's probably unfurnished i look at it i'll give you my 28 bucks just get me out of here no this must be legitimate i just want you to tell the professor that you know that you can't uh now don't interrupt tell the professor that you can't remember you can't make it you're going off your what's that what do you want don't look now but is that a horse standing over there certainly it's a horse so don't be afraid go over and pet him okay please sir don't touch my horse yeah it's me terribly upset something wrong i'll show you dobbin dobbin would you care for a lump of sugar merci no did you have to shoot well tell me would you care for some oats no no no no she was lame come see why i'm worried that horse has never been to france happy happy i'll give you 30 bucks get me out of here quiet professor welkins will see you two gentlemen now come on castella professor welkins be with you two gentlemen in a moment goodbye mr snodgrass feel better now i feel swell enough about better my life i feel awful i'd be glad if i live through tonight what are you doing tonight mr snodgrass oh i'm gonna stay home and read i'm going out to stick up a bank fine fine well goodbye professor nice seeing you drop dead what's with that guy split personality now which of you need help i do i can't find my way out of here hold on castella oh professor this is the young man i told you about you know the one with the m-o-n-e-y who's got the mumps yes i recall now just what was your trouble anytime i do something wrong or tell a lie i hear music very unusual case kindly answer these routine questions name castella born once height five foot two width five foot two chest five foot two there's no use wasting your time i'm the same in all direction can you shut up please age 24 neck never like a norse which hey i hear that music again that's what i was telling you about professor he's hopeless isn't he only a further examination will justify a conclusion now in your family history is there anything that you could consider abnormal oh no sir what do you mean no sir what about that end of yours who sits in the street bang this meant with a mallet well that's not her fault her husband told her to hit the road please none of this bickering now mr castello please lie down here and relax let yourself go tell me everything about yourself think back through the year i'm a little barefaced boy skipping merly over smith and dale to the little red school i'm hurrying toward it faster faster i don't want to be late i've never been so happy in my life the school is on fire uh-huh persecution complex continue i see myself now i am 16 and coming home from high school i'm coming home from the third grade i had a swell day at the reform school walking down the road as little point setter fetal hopper whose father's would feed her hopper i'm a flock of retina fennis friends oh no no more of that no i'm carrying little point setter's books suddenly out of the woods come four bears they knocked me down two sit on my arms and two sit on my legs and you're terrified not at all they just want to sit around and chew the fat all right castello you said enough for 28 bucks 28 dollars what are you talking about mr abit hey i told you over the full night split as a state with you tonight a state yeah you mean we went to all this trouble to convince your best friend he's screwy have a lawyer draw up papers have me set up an office all this for a measly 28 dollars well you see uh here's schizophrenia paragoric what's that mean professor mr abit you lie down on the couch you lie down on it now tell us what's your name what's your sex what's your occasion on your birthday i'm not with during the war the makers of camels offered a weekly salute to the men in the armed forces not just words of music but also a definite actual gift the men valued and wanted cigarettes free camels by the tens of millions more than 150 million free camels were sent to fighting men overseas now free camels are sent to surface men's hospitals instead this week the camels go to veterans hospital brexville ohio us army brun's general hospital santa fe new mexico us naval hospital portsmouth new hampshire us marine hospital memphis tennessee and veterans hospital legion texas camel broadcasts go out to the united states three times a week a rebroadcast to practically every area in the world where our men are still stationed and who are good neighbors in central and south america and now here are but abit and lucas tello with a final word i love castello i wouldn't take your twenty eight dollars it was all a gag always remember i'm your pal your best friend i know abit and i like you too do you really need money well i could use a fin well uh will you sign a note well sure good we'll go over to fetal hopper things first why get them a block of fun no no no don't forget the money good night folks tonight tonight be sure to tune in next week for another great abit and castello show brought to you by camel cigarette and remember try camels in your t-zone see if they don't suit your taste your throat to a t-c-a-m-e-l-s ask any woman if she doesn't like to see her man smoking a pipe and ask any man if he doesn't like the rich hearty fine flavor of cool burning tongue gentle prince albert it's no wonder more pipes smoke prince albert than any other tobacco saturday night tune in to prince albert's grand olafrey the new singing star red foley will be on hand to sing american folk songs just the way you like to hear him sung the duke a pedoucan mini perl will be there too remember saturday night on nbc grand olafrey this is jim dole in hollywood reminding you to listen again next thursday to another abit and castello show for camels cigarette goodnight the national broadcasting company