 This is lecture 10, and we finally landed at my favorite lecture, the lecture on love and relationships, on attraction and relationships. And because I am an expert on this topic, I'll be adding quite some information to the book. I also think the book is actually not done a terrific job when it comes to this chapter because I think quite some vital information is missing. Also, I have some problems with some of the experiments that are in the book, and I'll tell you all about that during this lecture. So where I want to start is not where the book starts. The book starts at attraction, and of course, we're going to talk about attraction and why we feel attraction towards certain people and not towards others. Very interesting topic, but I want to start at the very basic. Namely the question, why should we care about love? What is the importance of relationships in our lives? Why am I so passionate about this topic? And why should you care also about this topic? So the science of love and attraction is actually very new. It's a young science, and studying love was actually not done for a very long time. It was not taken seriously. It was sort of a soft science, something that you couldn't study under a microscope and for a lot of people and a lot of scientists for a long time didn't really care for this very interesting and important topic. This started to change around 1958 with experiments done not on humans, but on animals, specifically on baby monkeys, infant monkeys. You see it over here. Harry Harlow did some experiments on these monkeys, and these experiments became very famous, and it was basically the starting phase of studying love scientifically. And what Harry Harlow did in his experiments, and I'll show you a short video clip where you see Harlow talking about this experiment with the baby monkeys, was he separated the young infant monkeys from their mothers, and he started to study their behavior, and very soon he realized that if you separate babies, in this case baby monkeys from their mothers, they get very panicky and they shoot because they are helpless without their mothers. They need their caretakers to be around them, to support them, to nurse them, and also, and this is crucial in the experiment of Harlow, to provide comfort. And what Harry Harlow showed was that he created surrogate mothers for the infant monkeys, and sometimes these surrogate mothers provided food, which arguably would be very important for the baby monkeys, right? They needed to have food, specifically drink milk from bottles. And he created a wire mother that you also see in the screen here, that provided milk, so provided food. And then he also provided the surrogate mother that did not provide any milk, not any food items, but that had this very soft, warm appearance, sort of simulating what the mother of the monkey would look like. And what Harry Harlow showed in his experiments was that actually providing comfort was even more important for the baby monkeys than providing food. And I'll now show you a brief video fragment of the experiment of Harry Harlow. I do want to warn you, though, that these experiments, they do provide some images of animal cruelty, even though I think the intentions of Harry Harlow were good. He wanted to study if love mattered, and as I just mentioned, the science of love was nonexistent. Nobody knew that providing comfort and being around, and being an attachment figure would be so important for babies. It makes so much sense, of course, to all of us, and intuitively, it just, you know, it's just right. But at that moment in time, people didn't really know. They thought as long as there's food, as there's shelter, a place to sleep, then we'll be fine. And Harry Harlow changed all that with his experiments on these infant monkeys. But I want to warn you before I show the video fragments that you might be a bit shocked to see these baby monkeys in distress separated from their mothers. So just keep this in mind. Also keep in mind that these experiments will and can never be done again, scientifically, because they just break a lot of ethics rules. Sometimes, and actually some of the experiments done around this time would now break the law. And there were actually also experiments done on human infants. Young children now won't show these footage, because that's just way too shocking. Just keep in mind that that would never happen again. And even though it's horrible that these experiments were conducted, they did give a lot of insight into our human needs for love and relationships. So please take a moment to look at the footage of Harry Harlow and his baby monkeys. Let me show you a monkey raised on a nursing wire mother. Now, here are 106's two mothers. As you can see, it was weaned on a wire mother. Here's baby 106. Wow, he's going to the wire mother. He's got to eat to live. He's going back. He's back on the cloth mother, and he'll stay on the cloth mother. Actually, this baby spends 17 to 18 hours a day on the cloth mother. Less than one hour a day on the wire mother. We had predicted that the variable of contact comfort would be a variable of measurable importance. But we were unprepared to find that it completely overwhelmed and overshadowed all other variables, including those of nursing. Frankly, doctor, if it comes to a choice between wire and cloth, it's reasonable to expect that any child will go to the cloth. It's a matter of creature comfort, like a baby with its blanket. But is this really love? Well, what do you mean by saying that a baby loves its mother? Certainly, one thing we mean is that it gets a great feeling of security in the presence of the mother. Now, Mr. Collingwood, wouldn't you say that if you frightened a baby, that it went running to its mother, was comforted, and then all the fear disappeared and was replaced by a complete sense of security, that that baby loved its mother? Well, in this experiment, this is the apparatus we use. That's just the way the baby monkey feels about it. Flashing eyes, loud sounds, moving mechanical parts, all of these things are designed to frighten a monkey. Here we have a peaceful resting baby monkey. Let's find out what his reactions to his mother are when we frighten him. Does what any child will do in a similar situation. He runs away. It's more than running away. He was running to his mother to touch her, to drive away his fear. The contact with the mother changes his entire personality. Look, now he's actually threatening the guy about love. This gives us part of the picture of the strength of infant love. This is a six foot square room with a few toys and other objects. But to the monkey, it's much more menacing. We know that when our own children are taken to a strange place without their mothers, they are often overwhelmed with fear. This room is just such a new and strange environment for the baby monkeys. No mother is in there. Now let's put a monkey into the room. Notice how cautiously he enters the room. He's searching for comfort, but nothing relieves his disturbance. Now we'll take the baby monkey out and put in a wire mother. Now this one was nursed by a wire mother. That's right. All his life. She doesn't seem to help much. Now we'll try the same test with a cloth mother in the room. You see the contrast in the behavior? Despite the fact that the wire mother nursed him, she could offer this infant nothing in the way of affection or security. But here's a monkey by rubbing against the cloth mother as if he were seeking as much contact comfort as he could get, builds up his reservoir of affection and security. First his body relaxes as the fear disappears. But above and beyond this new positive response patterns appear. He now goes out to explore and investigate this new strange world. He is now a normal, happy, curious baby. So as you can see in this video fragment, these experiments were done to show that comfort is at least as important as providing food. And later on there were more experiments conducted in which these baby monkeys grew up without any surrogate mother at all. So no cloth mother would be provided. And what Harry Harlow then showed was even more disturbing. He showed that these baby monkeys growing up without a cloth mother really became out of control. They started showing very inappropriate behavior, also inappropriate sexual behavior became very aggressive and they never really became socialized. Even later on when he tried to place these monkeys in groups, that was not possible anymore. These monkeys were just lost basically. They couldn't grow into normally functioning monkeys and they also died at a very young age, also from stress probably. And this is something that even though these experiments are luckily never done again, we still see this type of disturbing behaviors. For example, an elephant and the poaching of elephants is of course a big problem, especially in parts of Africa, mothers of baby elephants are poached for the ivory. And there you also see the same thing happening that these baby elephants, they have to grow up without the comfort of a mother and they also grew up into socially very inappropriate elephants and they cannot find a way into a group of elephants and they also basically are lost, lost causes. So the moment a mother elephant is poached, the baby elephant is actually also dead. And that's why there's luckily a lot of orphanages for baby elephants. So this is just for you to show and understand how crucial it is for us humans and for monkeys and for all animals basically to have people to look after you. And I also already mentioned, so this is the case for humans just as much of course as for animals and also not only in infants and young children, but also when we get older, this human need for social context, we really, we crave it, we need it, we need to form connections to others. And if we don't have it, then we just get very upset and distressed and it's very bad for our overall well-being mentally as well as physically. And this is actually very nicely illustrated in a movie, maybe you know the movie, it's quite old already, it's called Castaway and the main character is Chuck Nolan, played by Tom Hanks. And in this movie, if you haven't watched it yet, I definitely would recommend it. What you see there is that the main character Chuck is stranded at a deserted island and he is stranded there because a plane crashed and in the plane there was also some materials and one of those materials was a volleyball, a volleyball of the brand Wilson. And the moment Chuck lands on the deserted island, first of course he tries to find some food and get some shelter, but at a certain moment quite quickly actually he gets bored and he starts wandering around the island and he finds Wilson, the volleyball. And he picks it up and his hand is a bit bloody because he hurt himself and he creates with the blood on his hands, he makes sort of a figure on the ball and he creates a little face on the ball and it just looks a bit silly in the beginning. But what happens then in the movie, and I won't spoil everything if you still want to watch it, but what you see there is that Chuck actually starts creating a bond with the volleyball and he names the volleyball Wilson after the brand of course and he starts to have conversations with Wilson. At this moment here in the middle of the screen you see that he's actually mad at Wilson, he's talking to him, he's discussing ways to escape from the island with Wilson and what I really like about this movie is that it actually quite correctly portraits what happens to human beings if we are caught off from social contact. We need social contact, that's just the way we are wired, we are group animals, we cannot live solitary, we need to have contact with other human beings. And if we don't have it, we need to make sure that we find a way to stay sane. And that's what Chuck did here, he created a friend and that was his way of keeping sanity. So this human need for contact is actually captured in a theory and this theory is called the need to belong theory. And this need to belong theory basically just means that humans have a deep need, a thorough need for contact with other humans. We need to have contact in the form of loving relationships. And this need is actually really high up the hierarchy of human needs, right after physical needs like food and drinking and sleep and also the need for security of course, right after all that, all these basic needs, we have this need to belong, the need to connect to others. And this is developed by two social psychologists, Baumeister and Leary. And according to this need to belong theory, there are actually basically a few conditions that need to be fulfilled to have this need to belong covered. And these conditions are that you have to have regular contact with a person, you're not constantly fighting with each other and you also have the intention to continue this contact for the long run. So you need to be close to each other. And also, and that's maybe the most crucial aspect of this need to belong theory is that you have to feel that both of you really genuinely care for each other. You really care about each other's well-being and you want to care for each other as well. So there's basically three assumptions of this need to belong theory. First of all, it has an evolutionary basis. I already mentioned humans are group animals, we need others to survive. That's also how we are wired. We are wired to connect to others. That's why we have such good communication skills, the ability for language. And we are so preoccupied by forming social contacts. It's also, of course, why social psychology first was developed. It's basically because we are social animals. So it's an evolutionary basis. It also means that it's universal across the world. We all have this need. It's not something specific for people in different, in specific cultures or subsets of the world. So even if you live in an individualistic country like the Netherlands or like the United States, we still need others. We might consider ourselves very independent, but we still rely on others for our general health and well-being. And then finally, the third assumption is that there are serious negative consequences when this need to belong is not fulfilled. And there's actually plenty of evidence for this last assumption. So I will show you some evidence in just a moment. But first, before I do so, I want you to imagine what happens if you are cut off from social contacts with others. How do you think you would feel? You probably would feel pretty bad, right? Being all by yourself or being ignored by everyone. So we basically all have this intuition that this doesn't feel good. And that's also maybe why people in relationships tend to use the silent treatment as a way to punish their partner. Actually, two out of three people use this sometimes. So if you are annoyed by your partner or mad at your partner, you don't get mad, you don't raise your voice. No, you just talk to the hand, you know, I'm not here. I'm ignoring you. And it's actually a very powerful way of punishing each other because it feels really bad if you are ignored by others, especially if you are ignored by people that you care about. So being cut off from social contacts is basically a way we punish each other socially in our own little worlds. Also, of course, children that are naughty, are placed on a naughty chair or in the hallway as a way of showing them that they are misbehaving and they cannot enter the room anymore. I am always with my children very careful by doing so. The moment I use, you know, exclusion, I sometimes use it very mildly to exclude them from the conversation if they're being really naughty. But I always make sure that they still see me and that I still respond to them because I just know how hurtful it is, especially for young children to experience this. So I never place them in their rooms by themselves. That's just way too upsetting. So using these techniques and social interactions shows us that we know the effect and how painful it is. And of course, excluding people is also the society's way of punishing people. For example, in prisons. And especially in some parts of the world, like the United States, some prisoners, the most severe prisoners, like murderers, are stuck in solitary confinement. That means that they are isolated from everyone. They never see other inmates. They actually also don't see any other guards. And there's been studies conducted on these prisoners that live in solitary confinement. Basically shows that it leads to enormous emotional damage, such as depression, also severe forms of psychosis and paranoia. And a lot of inmates actually start hallucinating to simulate human contact in a way. So basically what Chuck Nolan did on the island, creating a friend, that's what these inmates are doing with their brain. So their brain starts imagining other people there as a way to remain sane. And of course, it's already going very far if you start hallucinating that other people are there to have some form of social contact. So this is also not helping. It's definitely not helping to get these prisoners back into society. It's really only hurting. But it is very efficient in punishment, excluding other people. So this is actually also one of the answers to the questions that are raised in the very first lecture. Remember, I ask you, so why does it feel so bad to be excluded? And that sometimes we all have had these experiences in our lives where we were excluded, ignored by our friends, ghosted on social media. Maybe your parents used exclusion or putting you on the hallway when you were a young kid. And we remember this. This stucks with us just because we have this very deep need to connect to others. So you don't actually need to live in solitary confinement to experience what it means to be alone. And a lot of people feel alone at a daily level, even if they're not alone, even if they're surrounded by other people, but they experience loneliness. And loneliness is basically this experience that you feel like your need to belong is not fulfilled. Even though there's others around you, you don't feel like these people deeply care about you, maybe not in the same way as you care about them. You feel like maybe the contact is not on a regular basis. So basically the different aspects of the need to belong are not fulfilled. And if this happens, this is actually very bad for your health. And of course you feel sad a lot. It's also definitely a risk factor for more serious psychological illnesses such as depression. Also people are more likely to become addicted. And in quite a recent study, I think a very cool study on cardiovascular diseases, it has been shown that the lack of human contact experiencing loneliness is actually a bigger risk factor for cardiovascular diseases than smoking. And of course we all know how bad smoking is for our health, right? So, but in a way it's better to smoke than to feel lonely if it comes to your health. So cardiovascular diseases and also very simply, it's a predictor of dying young. So if you feel lonely and I don't mean that you feel lonely at a random day, but like you chronically feel lonely for prolonged periods of time, then this is just generally a very serious sign that you're not doing so well. And I am very happy that this is now being addressed more and more and especially of course during a pandemic, a lot of people suffered from loneliness and it became also something that was in the news more and more. Also at Tilburg University, this has been studied high levels of stress and loneliness among students. Actually about 80% of students experienced loneliness in the pandemic. And this is something that we have to stick very seriously. And now also because I realize that this might also be upsetting for some students to hear, maybe you are yourself experiencing loneliness, maybe you yourself experience the effects already of loneliness feeling more higher levels of depression or maybe feeling coping with addictions more. I want to end by showing you a brief movie clip actually in which you see conversation between a student psychologist and a researcher at Tilburg University. Her name is Dr. Gerin Lodder. She studies loneliness especially among young people, students and adolescents. And I just want to show you this conversation for support. It's not a part like a mandatory part for your exam. It's just for those of you that are coping with feelings of loneliness or if you're just interested in the topic and you can watch it out, watch it and also get some advice on how to deal with this. So I hope you benefit. And everyone is at student clubs, so that doesn't really play a role. But then you actually only get to be lonely and lonely by each other. Because loneliness is really about a subjective experience and that can also, for example, be in the midst of the quality of contact. So I do have someone, but I can't really tell them about my problems, for example. Or I don't really have that deep contact that I'm looking for. And that form, we see that with students and with young people there's also a lot going on. And it's really a misunderstanding that this is something from older people or that that wouldn't or wouldn't play under young people. Well, we speak as student psychologists. Of course, especially for students who are struggling with something, who are struggling with something. So yes, we also speak to students who are dealing with loneliness. And what I also notice, because you mentioned that they are still at peace with skills, the circumstances are good, but they also have a lot of challenges, which we see. Especially if they are new in the city, then they have to deal with a new environment. They miss their trust network for support and they also get a lot of responsibilities with it. Because besides studying, social contacts and even work, they also have to structure their own days. And for example, household chores also come with them. And then, yes, they really come to look at it more than you think. Yes, that's what we also see in research. Indeed, that just that transition period, also periods can only be triggered in things like loneliness. And not necessarily that that is problematic for everyone, because sometimes that is also from passing on the earth, but it really takes that then. And that young age is of course also a time in which you completely form your identity. And when you get in touch with others, yes, the background is who you really are. Yes. So social relationships are super important. And if something goes wrong, then it can also have a pretty big impact on the life of young people. Yes. We also did research in general on what worked against loneliness, but also in Corona, what was useful there. And what is very important to realize is that loneliness is not one thing. So it is not that everyone is the same as he says, I am lonely, and the one might be looking for a romantic relationship, or at least that very much. The other really needs a group to do things with it, or the feeling that I belong here. And the other is also more an intimate friendship. So what you miss differs from person to person. And where that comes from, or what the problems are that you keep in mind, also differs from person to person again. So there is not one solution. And that means that it is very good. And there is a lot to think about, but how long does it actually play? And what are the things that keep me in mind? And based on that, to look at it, I can do something with it. And we saw at home in Corona, also that people who tried more different things, for example, they would do games online, like maybe calling their mother more often, or walking outside, and doing a lot of different things, to work better than people who seem to focus on one thing. And what is important is to talk about it. It is a subject that many people are ashamed of, but it is good to talk about it, for example, with a student psychologist, or at home, as it already plays a bit longer, and really try to take that actively, to work actively on that social sphere that has to keep moving, and to be actively busy to maintain relationships. Because the more active you do that, the smaller the chance that long-term problems will arise. Yes, that's what I'm actually closing myself on. I think the one thing I can say about that is about the same, that the change per student what the need is, and what we as student psychologists do, is indeed, together with a student, we can talk about it, and look at what possibilities there are, and what fits with you, because you can of course become a member of a study association, but some students, for example, that's a big risk, or it takes too much time, while they also find it very important to keep enough time to study. So then we discuss, for example, if you already want to study optimally, you still need time for breaks, so maybe you can have a cup of coffee with someone, an hour, a nice combination, take a break for a while, and still have contact. So that's what we're really looking for, after a suitable form for the person. An important advice, I think, for students who feel lonely is to talk about it, because that's actually the first step, the one with whom it will be discussed, not one, two, three, the solution for you, but it helps to share, and together you can think about it, of what possibilities there are, what fits with me, and also very important is to not put your expectations too high in there, because of course it happens very often, that you initiate a contact, and that it actually doesn't work out, so that's also very normal, right? Yes, certainly, yes. And I also find it very important to say that, apart from Corona, also before Corona, there were really students with serious loneliness problems, and for people who actually know about themselves, that this is not something of the past year, since I've been going to study, but maybe it was already in the middle school, and this is just a problem that also belongs to me, then maybe it's just more necessary, and then it's advice, like, oh, just go to a association, or something like that doesn't work, because there are really things that are in the way, for example, what we often see with people who are chronically lonely, who are really long-term lonely, is that negative thought patterns keep that up very much, and then take that seriously, and it's important to work on that, and what's good to know, from research, it seems that it also works, so that the approach to loneliness can, it's not a lost matter, if it's something you've been having for a long time, that's really something you can go forward in, so that might be good to know.