 وأقول في القرآن ما جاءت به آياته فهو الكاريم المنزاله وأقول قال الله جل جلاله والمصطف الهدي ولا أتأوله الحمد لله رب العالمين والصلاة والسلام على عبد الله ورسوله نبينا محمد وعلى آله وصحبه أجمعين السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته Welcome to another installment from this short course on the Muslim family brought to you by المدرسة العمالية نبدأ بالقراءة الله عز وجل وعلى أجمع الله وبركاته our messenger Muhammad صلى الله عليه وسلم to his family and his companions So we've spoken about the essence of the marriage contract in the sense of the nature of the contract And if you like the kind of you know start talk about the terms and conditions that you signed up to when you agreed to that contract and the fact that it is an act it's a contract and it's a meet up it's a covenant However what I would like to do in this episode إن شاء الله تعالى is to look at some of the principles and foundations of the rights between the husband and the wife Now when we read our scholars the scholars of Islam talking about the rights of the husband and the wife there are different ways that people organize that sometimes people talk about the they begin by talking about the obligations of the husband Then the rights of the husband and the obligations of the wife and the rights of the wife or vice versa However what I would like to do is I would like to start with the آيات and the أحديث which are قواعد or which are أصوص their foundations and principles that deal with the interaction between husband and wife So they're more than just a right of the husband or a right of the wife or an obligation upon the husband but more of آيات that just they give you a principle or an overview in a general sense of the way that husband and wife are supposed to interact with each other as it relates to their rights and their obligations Maybe a little bit more of an overview and a little bit more general than just looking at individual rights which is going to come later on إن شاء الله تعالى or individual obligations which are going to come later on إن شاء الله تعالى So we're going to go to our first آيات our first آيات is إن صورة البقرة آيات number 228 والهن مثل الذي علي هن بالمعروف It's going a part of the آيات And this is a قاعدة it is a principle and it's a foundation upon which the husband and wife's interaction with one another and their rights are defined by this principle والهن مثل الذي علي هن بالمعروف آيات it belongs to them مثل الذي علي هن they have rights that are مثل and we're going to come to what the word مثل means here but let's just call it equal or let's call it similar to those which are علي هن which are over them بالمعروف So the very first thing we want to talk about here is the fact that women in Islam the wife in Islam has rights and that is what is indicated by لهن that it belongs to them that it's their rights that they have that they possess these rights And they have rights which are علي هن which are rights over them and that these rights that belong to them and these rights that belong over them and let's just stop and look at it from the point of view of the husband So for the husband لهن would be علي هن and over him he has responsibilities he has obligations and علي هن we can reverse it to له or لهم that he has rights that belong to him So the wife here as the ayah sets it out the wife has rights and she also has obligations and likewise therefore the husband has obligations and he also has rights And these rights there is a degree of if we want to call it ممثلة there is a degree of equity and balance between these sets of rights And so it isn't the case that a husband has all of this huge number of rights and the wife just has one small right or two small rights or one small expectation or two small expectations Rather this ayah sets out that there is a balance between the rights of the wife and the obligations and between the obligations of the husband and the rights of the husband و لهن it belongs to those women, our rights مثل اللذي علي هن equal or similar to those which are against them Or those which are over them maybe against them is the wrong word but those which are over them those which are responsibilities or obligations upon them بالمعروف and when Ibn al-Kathir came to this ayah he focused on those two things the word مثل and the word معروف so as for the word مثل we're going to come to talk about this in a little bit of detail because we want to understand does that mean that all of the rights of the husband and wife are entirely equal or does that mean that there is a degree of equity and balance between the rights of the husband and the wife that's an issue we have to talk about but the next word that we come to which is very important is بالمعروف so these rights that belong to the wife and these obligations that are upon the wife are both بالمعروف and likewise we can reverse it and say these rights that are these obligations that are upon the husband and these rights that belong to the husband are all of them بالمعروف now this word معروف we're going to come again إن شاء الله تعالى later on to talk in a bit more detail but effectively المعروف has two things that we want out of it the first is that it is الخير it's good goodness so these rights that exist between the husband and the wife and these obligations that exist between the husband and the wife are in a state of معروف in a state of goodness between the two there is good in them for both parties there's good for the husband there's good for the wife and it brings about goodness in the family it brings about الخير والبركة in the family when the obligations and the rights are fulfilled by both parties and as we go on later on إن شاء الله تعالى to talk about إن شوز which is the disagreements and the arguments that happen between husband and wife and the discord to the point where the marriage it becomes because it becomes if you like shaky or the foundations of the marriage start to become doubtful then here again usually this happens because this principle isn't being implemented somewhere along the line والهن مثل الذي عليهن بالمعروف that women have rights that are similar to those that are the obligations over them بالمعروف with goodness and the second thing we want to take about the word معروف is that المعروف also refers to which is in accordance with the norms of the society and what is normal what is expected within the society so society and the norms also affect the rights of the husband and the wife islam lays out some principles but within those principles the exact how you know when you دائل دوز in exactly and you're very precise about them how much money should a husband spend upon his wife what kind of a house should he give his wife to what extent is a wife required to serve her husband in terms of serving him around the home you know serving his food and you know taking care of his you know kind of serving his needs so to speak in terms of the home what to what extent do we make that an obligation generally speaking it's going to be العروف which is going to define the details islam is going to define the the boundaries and is going to say for example that a man has to spend upon his wife he has his obligation is is وجوب and نفق the obligation of spending upon his wife that's one of his that's one of the things لهم that they have as a right it's one of the things لهم it's for them as a right for those women as a right وجوب and نفق but how do we limit this نفق is it thousand dollars a month is it a hundred dollars a month is it ten thousand dollars a month what to where do we draw where how do we put a figure on it what's going to put a figure on it is العروف what is customary and what is known and what is the norm for that kind of woman in that kind of situation in that kind of circumstance and that kind of husband in that kind of situation in that kind of circumstance so that's going to be an important point إن شاء الله تعالى which we're going to expand upon as we go through this particular lesson so the first thing we're going to deal with is this word مثل and really try to go into the understanding of it ولهم مثل عليهم because المماثلة it can mean a مماثلة تامة a مماثلة and an exact equivalence or it can be a general equality a general equivalence so is the equivalence here absolute or is it general now when we say absolute does it mean that every single right that the wife has the husband has and every single right that the husband has the wife has one for one he has the right of such and such so she has the exact same right is it like that is it مماثلة تامة meaning the rights are completely equivalent in every single aspect or is it a case where there is مماثلة to an extent there is a degree of equivalence here but it may not be a one for one in every situation the scholars generally speaking and from the scholars who divided this up إبن عشر رحم الله تعالى in his تفسير others among the scholars and I personally think it's a nice way of just dividing this into two is to say that we can divide the the rights of the husband and the wife based on this air we can divide it and based on the word method we can divide it into two and it maybe we can even say three the two that we can divide it into are the rights that have مماثلة تامة that have absolute equivalence in them meaning the husband has it the wife has it one for one equal for equal and the rights in which there is مقابلة there is a general equivalence in the sense that the husband has a right and that right may not be the same right the wife has but she has an opposite or an equivalent right she has a right that kind of sits alongside it it sits alongside it so it could be as an example the husband's right to marital intimacy and it could be the right the wife's right to being spent upon and we could say that there is a degree of مقابلة between those two in the sense that the two of them sit opposite one another and together with one another in the scale of the rights between the husband and the wife and we can also talk about the درجة because الله عزا وجل mentioned in this آية in آية number 228 in سورة البقرة والرجال علي هن درجة and men have over them a degree and this tells us that it's not مماثلة تامة من جميع الوجوه from every single angle that is total equivalence because الله said men have a degree over them meaning there are going to be certain things that a man has over his wife as an obligation over his wife it's an obligation for her it's a right for him that the wife doesn't have so here we're going to say that we can bring two categories or three categories we can bring the rights between the husband and wife that are totally equal there's complete equivalence in them the husband has it and the wife has it and the two are equivalent and we can bring the things which sit opposite one another i.e the wife has something and the husband has something maybe different but the two sit opposite one another that is in balance with that to a greater or a lesser extent and then we can talk about the درجة that men have a certain degree of something an amount of something which الله سبحانه وتعالى has specified for them now this is something which we shouldn't be worried about we shouldn't be concerned about because if this law came from الله عز و جل and الله عز و جل ولا يظلم ربك أحد يلو doesn't oppress anybody it's going to be fair it's going to be balanced الله عز و جل gives whatever he wants to whom ever he wants سبحانه وتعالى and that is his decision to give out and that's the meaning of the word إسلام sub mission to what Allah decrees for you what Allah legislates for you that's what إسلام is all about submission and it's not for a man to use this درجة this degree of preference and this degree of excellence that Allah has given him to oppress his wife nor is it for a wife to become angry with that degree that Allah has given to her husband and to say that this is you know to become angry with it or to become frustrated with it rather the husband and the wife submit to الله سبحانه وتعالى and we're going to talk very clearly in this course about the danger of the husband using that درجة that degree that Allah has given him to oppress his wife because in a sense that degree is a blessing from الله سبحانه وتعالى and it's a father it's a it's a preference and it's a blessing and a virtue but in a sense it's also a risk and an amana and a potential source of punishment because for example if you take it like the a manager in a company for example just to give you an example you take a manager in a company to be promoted to be the manager that is a father right that's a virtue that you have been preferred over the other employees to be chosen to lead the team that you have the qualities in you to lead the team to be the team leader to be the manager you've been chosen and you've been selected for that that's a father that doesn't mean you're going to be above them in جنة it doesn't mean that though they're not beloved to Allah it's simply that that particular person had the right qualities to lead the team here so they became the team leader but when they did that they also got additional responsibilities and if they fail in that task they are more likely to be taken to account for it and they could also lose that job now this is just a job what about the situation of إسلام and the husband and the wife and the responsibilities before Allah yes الله عز وجل gave the رجال a درجة he gave the men a degree here a an amount by which he gave them a set of of rights or ace or ace a section here or a point which الله سبحانه وتعالى gave them and put them in responsibility however that doesn't mean that that responsibility doesn't come with additional burdens and additional dangers in it as well so in reality the woman she accepts what الله سبحانه وتعالى has chosen for her and she's content with that her obedience is to Allah first and foremost and every obedience to everyone and anything anyone else is nothing more than a فرق a branch of obedience to الله سبحانه وتعالى and as for the man the man isn't the same situation he also has people who have been chosen over him be it whether it be his mother who is who has a degree of virtue over him whether it is and a degree of authority over him his parents his mother whether it be the the ruler who is in charge over him and has a degree of responsibility over him ultimately this is a society we live in and this concept you know which is a very non-islamic concept a very un-islamic concept that we we should all be entirely equal in all of our responsibilities and rights and so on that's not how الله set out the society الله سبحانه وتعالى set out our society with people who are responsible over other people and people who are preferred in certain things over other people and give another simple example the example of lineage there are some people who الله preferred in lineage over other people there are some people who الله gave a better lineage than other people does that mean everyone who has that quality will be above everyone else in جنة نحن at the end of the day are in this world in order to be tested to worship الله عز و جل to know الله عز و جل and worship him based upon that knowledge and we're striving for جنة and that's what matters and what doesn't matter is who has been given a degree of responsibility over someone else so for us to sit and fight against this it doesn't make any sense because in reality if we're sat here fighting with each other over who has that degree of responsibility first of all it is الله's right to give it to whoever he wants and الله knows better who to give it to and when to give it to them سبحانه وتعالى and that's the same for the man for the woman and in many different situations in some of them you'll be you'll be given that responsibility as men as women for example as we said the mother over her children in some situations you someone else will be given that responsibility over you what matters is اسلام submission to الله سبحانه وتعالى and to الله's laws and to الله's decree and to what الله has legislated that's what matters and ultimately as a Muslim the more you realize that submission and achieve it the more content you will be with what you have been given and what الله عز و جل has decreed for you and like we said the same thing can be said of the man it's not a gender issue here it's an issue of submission to the laws of الله عز و جل and the same thing could happen for a man he could crave to be in a position of leadership he could say I wish that I could be you know a governor or a leader or a ruler but الله عز و جل hasn't chose it for him instead الله سبحانه وتعالى لقد فعله تقريباً من مجموعة من another governor or ruler or somebody responsible لذلك نحن يجب أن نتحدث عن what الله عز و جل has chosen for us and make the best of what الله has chosen for us and we talked about the حديث أولئاً عن about the woman who prays a five daily prayers and she fasts her month of رمضان and she keeps her chastity as she obeys her husband and it will be said to her يوم القيامة انت from whichever the doors of jannah you wish any of the gates of jannah سبحانه وتعالى سبحانه وتعالى might take away he will give أضعاف المضاعفة many times over from another angle the husband he got that extra درجة the extra level of rights the extra level of responsibilities also he got that extra level and yet it's not said to him يوم القيامة انت whichever door you wish if he wants to go through the door of fasting he has to be you know سوام he has to be someone who's fasting all the time if he wants to go through other doors he has to be from the people from gates of jannah he has to be from the people who do those actions as for the woman الله عز و جل took away that درجة from her took away that extra degree of responsibility and that extra degree of rights and الله عز و جل gave her in place that if she obeys her husband and fulfills the basic tenets of Islam it will be said to her انت from whichever of the doors of paradise you wish so don't don't let anyone get upset don't let anyone get frustrated with the commands of الله عز و جل and ultimately we all know that as human beings we are all flawed so any husband who has a degree of responsibility over his wife he knows that he's not going to match that standard all the time and that's going to be frustrating for her sometimes that she says الله gave him this degree of responsibility over me and sometimes الله عز و جل it feels like he's not it feels like he isn't fulfilling that properly but that is the nature of all of us you know all of us have flaws and that's what we're going to talk about marital discord and so on one thing which is also really important to define is that this these rights والهن مثل الذي عليهن بالمعروف والرجال عليهن درجة the rights that belong to the wife and notice الله spoke about about those first of all الله didn't say the rights of the husband first الله didn't say والهم مثل الذي عليهم الله سبحانه وتعالى قال و لهن مثل الذي عليهن الله spoke about the context of the wife the wife has rights that are equivalent to those that are obligations over her بالمعروف according to that which is good and according to custom والرجال عليهن درجة and men have a degree over them this entire ayah is defined what defines for us the rights of the wife what defines her obligations what defines the معروف that which is good and that which is خير and that which is blessed by الله what defines the درجة that the man has over his wife what defines those things they define by the book of الله by the sunnah of the prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم and by what is contained within them i.e. what is indicated and we have you know consensus and so on and so forth those the laws and rules of islam how they are structured but the quran and the sunnah what defines for us the rights of the husband the rights of the wife and if we don't define them by the book of الله and by the sunnah of the prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم what's going to happen we're going to disagree on everything every single thing we're going to disagree husband and wife we're going to fight about everything because there's no common ground and one of the most beautiful beautiful things in islam is that when you agree to this contract there is already a template available for what the husband and what the wife are going to do the rights of one another there's a template now that template as we're going to hear it might not be always some things will be fixed but it might not always be fixed it's possible when it comes to mutual rights for a husband to give up some rights for a wife to give up some rights that's also possible because when it comes to حقوق العباد the rights of people it is possible for people to give up rights and we come to talk about صلحة and things like that inshallah we'll mention about giving up rights for others and things like that but here what we want to establish is that there's a template that is given to you there's something given to you that says this is what the Quran says your rights are this is what the Quran the sunnah says your obligations are this is what the Quran and the sunnah says that you have as a درجة as a man you have this degree of responsibility and this these these particular unique rights that are for you that you that Allah ﷻ has given to you this is what معروف is this is what goodness is and you have a framework of rights and a framework of obligations that is laid out for you by the Quran by the sunnah of the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم and that's why I went I mean we're not quite onto the topic of marital discord just yet but when we get to the topic of marital discord as a مجموعة مجموعة one of the things I've always will start with just start with okay let's start with the rights of the husband and the rights of the wife and let's look at where the flaws and the mistakes are coming in and usually most of the time those flaws and those mistakes are on both sides and Allah ﷻ is the best usually and that means that they're they're that we haven't got that مماثلة we haven't got that مقابلة we haven't got that equivalency we haven't got that opposite rights where one has a right then the other one and one and then the other and that's because that that system of rights has broken down so it's defined for us by the book of Allah and by the sunnah of the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم still on the topic of this ayat there are a couple of extra points that we can talk about is it therefore if we talk about مقابلة and we have we'll come into this more detail later on but if we talk about مقابلة we talk about the husband has a right in response to an obligation that he gives to his wife in other words he gives the obligation he gets the right she gives the obligation she gets the right like that is it the case then that a wife may withhold some of her husband's rights because he withholds her rights again more discussion we'll have on this in شاء الله on the topic of النشوز the arguments and the discord between husband and wife but this is an opinion of many of the scholars of الإسلام that this ayat indicates the permissibility of if the husband is deliberately withholding some of the wife's rights that she has the right to withhold some of his rights however this is no doubt خلاف الأولى it's in opposition to what is the best thing to do because ultimately if we go down that route there'll be a times as we said we're all flawed there'll be times where the husband doesn't quite do his job and then the wife withholds right then the husband withholds one then the wife withholds one then the husband withholds one until the point where the marriage will just break down completely so here we're going to talk more about it in marital discord but because this ayat is used as an evidence for it we wanted to mention it we wanted to mention it here and on the topic of المعروف i want to quote you but الإمام السعدي رحم الله تعالى قال he said ويرجع إلى المعروف وهو العادة الجارئة في ذلك البلد وذلك الزمان من مثلها لمثله he said that this matter goes back to المعروف and he defined المعروف he said it is the customs which are present in that country and that time for someone like her and someone like him and i thought it's a very beautiful way of putting it it's the rights that are present that are the norms that are taking place that are the normal things that are taking place in that country and that time for that kind of woman and that kind of man so there are four aspects to that أرف one is that the country in the place that they're living in one is the time that they are living in one is the status of that wife and her position in the society and the status of the husband and that position in society and that's what's going to define cultural norms for us as it relates to the marriage we're going to look at the country what the people in that country do we're going to look at the time because victorian england is not like modern day england for example nor is the time of the prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم in what is now south arabia like what is like it is like now in in in maka or in madina today in hijaz today for example so there's going to be a difference in the earth according to country there's going to be a difference in the earth according to time and there's going to be a difference according to the husband and the wife because if the husband is for example a billionaire there's going to be certain expectations of him which are which are which are which are which are which are which are which are which are which are which are norms you would expect from someone of that level of wealth if the wife is a princess she's going to have certain expectations and certain requirements and certain things which are normal for princesses in the country in which she lives so these are kind of strange examples but i just wanted to kind of get that idea into your mind that we're going to look at the country we're going to look at the time we're going to look at the wife and the husband to understand what the norms should be now as we said the norms are where we dial in the specifics actually islam is going to give us plenty of framework plenty of rules and regulations but the exact meaning of them the exact amount that the husband spends it's going to depend on the country it's going to depend on the time that we're living in it's going to depend on his wife and what her status and expectations are and it's going to depend on him and what his abilities and his status and expectation is so each of those is going to define the the minute details whereas the sharia is going to give us a framework that we can work within finally to conclude this episode i want to remind you of the ether of ابني عباس from اكرمة that ابني عباس رضي الله عنهما he said اني لا احب ان اتزينا للمرأة كما احب ان تزينا لي لان الله عز و جل يقول ولهن مثل الذي عليهم this is narrated by an essay in the cover on others that ابني عباس he said i love to adorn myself for my wife just like i would love for her to adorn herself for me to beautify herself for me because الله said ولهن مثل الذي عليهم المعروف this the reason why i mentioned this is to show that this i doesn't just encompass obligations but also i asked that if the husband and this is how ابني عباس understood the i if the husband wants certain things from his wife he needs to be prepared to give certain things from his side and it may not always be ممثل اتحمه one for one but it may be that he feels like you know i want her to beautify herself for me and that is one of my rights but at the same time i have to be willing to give something i have to be willing to show something and the more a person strives for احسان the more they strive for that kind of equivalence in terms of the more they're saying that even if Islam maybe doesn't oblige me to do this i should strive to do it because ultimately i want her to do things for me and it has to be give and take and that is something you can take from the اية ولهن مثل الذي عليهم المعروف that they have to be given take they have to be a big effort and and definitely we're not just talking about حقوق we're also talking about احسان striving for excellent striving to be better than you ever thought you could be a better husband you ever thought you could be a better wife than you ever thought you could be and to do that you have to be willing to give even more than the minimum standard which is now requires from you that's what Allah made easy for me to mention in this episode and Allah knows best السلام عليكم if you're enjoying these videos and you'd like to keep up to date with all of the courses we're going to be running make sure you head over to amau at home.com