 Chapter 0 of Menacent Rules of Good Society or Solicisms to be Avoided by a member of the Aristocracy This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org Menacent Rules Preface and Introductory Remarks Preface Menacent Rules of Good Society contains all the information comprised in the original work, menace and tone of Good Society, but with considerable additions. In a volume of this nature it is necessary to make constant revisions and this is periodically done to keep it up to date that it may be depended upon as being not only the most reliable but also the newest book of etiquette. A comparison of the number of chapters and their subjects with those of the early editions would best demonstrate how the work has grown, not merely in bulk but in importance also. This extension has allowed many subjects to be more exhaustively treated than here to fore and it now includes every rule and point that could possibly be comprehended in its title. The work throughout its many editions has commanded itself to the attention of thousands of readers and it is hoped the present edition will be received by society in general with the marked success of its predecessors. Introductory Remarks The title of this work sufficiently indicates the nature of its contents. The usages of Good Society relate not only to good manners and to good breathing but also to the proper etiquette to be observed on every occasion. Not only are certain rules laid down and minutely explained but the most comprehensive instructions are given in each chapter respecting every form or phase of the subject under discussion. That it may be clearly understood what is done or what is not done in Good Society and also how what is done in Good Society should be done. It is precisely this knowledge that gives to men and women the consciousness of feeling thoroughly at ease in whatever sphere they may happen to move and cause them to be considered well-bred by all with whom they may come in contact. Solicism may be perhaps in itself but a trifling matter but in the eyes of society at large it assumes proportions of a magnified aspect and reflects most disadvantageously upon the one by whom it is committed. The direct inference being that to be guilty of a solicism argues the offender to be unused to society and consequently not on an equal footing with it. This society resents and is not slow in making its disapproval felt by its demeanor towards the offender. Taked in innate refinement, though of the greatest assistance to run unused to society do not suffice of themselves, and although counting for much cannot supply the want of the actual knowledge of what is customary in society, where tact and innate refinement do not exist, and this is not seldom the case as their gifts bestowed upon the few rather than upon the many, then the raw acquaintance with the social observances in force in society becomes more than ever necessary, and especially to those who, socially speaking, are desirous of making the way in the world. Those individuals who have led secluded or isolated lives or who have hitherto moved in other spheres than those wherein bell-bread people move will gather all the information necessary from these pages to render them derorably conversant with the manners and amenities of society. This work will be found of equal service to both men and women as in each chapter the point of social etiquette to be observed by both sexes have been fully considered. Those having the charge of young ladies previous to the introduction into society either mothers, chaperones or governesses will also derive much useful and practical information from the perusal of this work. While to those derorably worst in the usages of society it cannot fail to commend itself containing, as it does, many useful and valuable hints on social questions. End of chapter 0. The meaning of etiquette What is etiquette and what does the word convey? It is a poor one in itself and falls very short of its wide application. It has an old-fashioned ring about it savoring of stiffness, primness and punctiliousness which renders it distasteful to many possessing advanced ideas and yet the word etiquette is not so very old either as Johnson did not include it in his dictionary and Walker apologizes for introducing it into his and according to the authorities he quotes it is supposed to be derived from stikas, stikas, stiketas, stiketa and from thence to etiquette. But whether derived from the Latin or the French and many inclined to the latter opinion there is no doubt that could a new word be found to replace this much abused one it would be a welcome addition to our vocabulary. The word has unfortunately become associated in our minds with forms, ceremonies and observances in an exaggerated degree and it has been so constantly misused and misinterpreted and misunderstood that ridicule and contempt have been most unjustly and unfairly thrown upon it. The true meaning of etiquette can hardly be described in dictionary parlance. It embraces the whole gamut of good manners, good breeding and true politeness. One of the reasons which have no doubt contributed to bring the word etiquette into disrepute is the manner in which the subject has been handled by incompetent people who, having but a very hazy and obscure knowledge if any knowledge at all yet profess to write guides to polite manners rambling and incoherent guides which not only provoke a smile from those better informed but mislead and bewilder anyone rash enough to consult them without previous inquiry as to whether they are safe to follow. A little caution on this head would ensure the most correct and reliable work being secured amongst so much that is unreliable. Some people read everything that is written on the subject of etiquette. Not only those who are ignorant and wish to learn something of its laws but those who are thoroughly well-versed in them and who, one might suppose, had nothing to learn. Still these latter like to see what is written to feel the satisfaction of being supported in their own knowledge by a well-informed writer or finding amusement in the absurdities gravely advanced by someone writing from another sphere than that where Savoie Vivoire reigns. Others attach a very narrow meaning to the word etiquette and neither accept it nor understand it in its true sense. They have an idea that its rules influence and govern society in general. Rules of etiquette are from their point of view but trammels and shackles. Let them be cast off or burst through, say they. Let everyone do as he likes. Let all behave as they like. We are in a free country. Why should we not wipe our mouths upon the tablecloth if we please? Others, again, devour books of etiquette on the quiet. They are very much in want of instruction as everyone knows but they have not the courage to confess that they are awake of this want and are trying to pick up some knowledge of this kind to be useful to them. As their aim is to rise in the social scale they would not let their friends know for worlds about this new study but they know it and find that they have improved that they do not commit as many goucheries as here too for. Still they have caught the letter rather than the spirit of etiquette. They have read the rules it prescribes and act up to them as far as their memory serve them but they have failed in one essential particular of understanding that courtesy, consideration towards others and unselfishness are the sources of true politeness from which etiquette springs. There is an idea amongst some few people who have mixed little in the world and moved but in one fixed groove that the more exalted the sphere the more perfect the manners. It is needless to attempt to refute such a fallacy as this for examples of the most perfect manner are to be met with not only amongst those who can boast of long lineage and high birth but also amongst those who lay claim to neither. Our present code of etiquette is constructed upon the refinement polish and culture of years of centuries. Wealth and luxury and contact with all that is beautiful in art and nature have in all ages exercised a powerful influence on the manners of men. We do not say on the times as unfortunately these advantages did not reach down to the many but were confined to the strictly few. But in these modern days the many have come and still come within the charmed circle. The ring broadens, ever widens. It is not now as in olden days that their lot forbade. On the contrary the possession of wealth or of talent is the open sesame to the most refined and cultured circles. The word etiquette is too narrow for all it embraces. It must be viewed in a double light and be taken from a moral point as well as from a conventional one. A kindly nature and an unselfish spirit are never wanting in true politeness but the conventionalities of society give the finish and completeness to the whole, the colour as it were, to the picture. In some the conventional spirit is uppermost and they have it best but a surface polish. In others the kindly feelings of the heart are allowed full play and no act of genuine politeness is omitted or left undone in their intercourse with their fellows and these graces of kindly politeness linger in the memory. Trivial, though they may have been, years after one has lost sight of this true gentleman or thorough lady and one says of him, what a charming man he was. How courteous and considerate! And how kind! And of her she was the sweetest and prettiest mannered woman I ever met. It is only given to the very few to be thoroughly and unaffectedly charming without a shadow of self-consciousness or effort to assume a would-be charming manner for the moment with the desire to be unusually pleasing to someone in particular does not confer the enviable reputation of having a charming manner. It does not sit easy enough to be altogether natural. It conveys the idea of being put on for the occasion and like all other imitations it hardly ever pleases and seldom deceives. Etiquette and troop lightness would have us go further than this and our manners of today should be our manners of tomorrow and not variable according to place and persons. The world is quick to note these uncertain demeanours and every one's measure is readily taken and retained. The rules of etiquette are indispensable to the smooth working of society at large. Take, for example, the etiquette of precedency. Enforce both in public and in private. On every public occasion and in every private circle precedency steps in to render assistance and is as necessary in the smallest private circle as in the largest public gathering because it assigns to every one his or her place as far as claim can be laid to place. Mistakes in the matter of precedency are not only committed by those who have enjoyed few social advantages but by those also who have had everything in their favour. Young ladies, for instance, when married from the schoolroom as it were, often make grave mistakes on the question of precedency if they do not ignore it altogether. The etiquette of card-leaving and that of paying calls are indisputably necessary and only the very ignorant would attempt to gainsay their utility. Without these aids to order and method all intercourse between friends and acquaintances would be uncertain and chaotic. As it is there is little excuse when the right thing is not done and any departure from the simple rules laid down on these heads is the best possible proof of the standing, position, and associations of the one at fault. Any one point of etiquette if brought to the bar of common sense would be pronounced reasonable, proper, and sensible. And there is strictly speaking no question of etiquette that cannot be thus judged and upon which a like verdict would not be given. There is no one rule of etiquette that can be described as absurd or ridiculous, arbitrary or tyrannical, and taken collectively the rules are but social obligations due from one person to another. Why should we not be a well-mannered people? Why should we not be refined, cultivated, and polished in our demeanor and bearing? Why should we not seek to charm if we can? Why should we not cultivate and encourage in ourselves consideration, thoughtfulness, and graciousness towards others in the smallest details of daily life? End of Section 1 Read by The Storygirl Chapter 2 of Menors and Roads This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org or June recording by Dwalika. Menors and Roads, Chapter 2, Introductions There are ceremonious introductions and unceremonious introductions. Premeditated introductions and unpremeditated introductions. But in all cases, introduction should never be indiscriminately made, that is to say, without a previous knowledge on the part of those making them, as to whether the person does introduce will be likely to appreciate each other or the others, or unless they have expressed a desire to become acquainted. For instance, a lady should not introduce two of her acquaintances residing in country town or war-free place, moving in different circles, unless they have each expressed such a desire. An undesired introduction, if made, compends the one to whom it is the most unwelcome to treat the other with marked coldness or to continue an acquaintance that is distasteful. Should this lightest doubt exist as to how an introduction will be received, whether the meditated introduction is a spontaneous desire on the part of a lady or a gentleman, or whether one person expressed a wish to make the acquaintance of another person and expressed that wish to a mutual friend, the same tool is to consult the wishes of both persons on the subject before making the introduction. When the difference of rank exists between two persons, it would be sufficient to ascertain the wishes of the person of the hindrance rank alone. A person about to make an introduction should say to one lady but not in the hearing of the other, Mrs. Aimee, may I introduce Mrs. B. Tillou or some such holder according to the degree of intimacy existing between herself and Mrs. Aimee. See the art of conversing. When two ladies are of equal rank, the wishes of the person with whom the person making the introduction is least intimate should be consulted. In the case of a one person having expressed a wish to make the acquaintance of another, there remains but the wishes of one person to ascertain. A acquaintance having been given the introduction should be made. In making an introduction, the lady of the lowest rank should be introduced to the lady of the highest rank. In no case should the lady of the highest rank be introduced to the lady of the lowest rank. This point of etiquette should only be strictly observed. A gentleman should always be introduced to a lady, whatever his rank may be. Without reference to her rank, whatever it may be, this rule is invariable and is based upon the privilege of sex. Plough all down. It is not usual to ascertain a gentleman's wishes as to whether he will be introduced to a lady or not. Although edible, it is usual to do so when the introduction is made for a special object with therefore obtaining a partner for a lady. And as a gentleman, it may be either unable or unwilling to ask the lady to dance. It is incumbent to ascertain before him whether the introduction is desired or not. Otherwise the introduction would be of no avail for the purpose to improve a disappointment to the lady. Would you like to be introduced to Miss A or some such polite phrase seen out of conversing is the sole formula by which to ascertain a gentleman's wishes as to an introduction in the ballroom. As ballroom introductions are understood to mean an intention on the part of a gentleman to ask a lady to dance or to take her into supper. In general society, gentlemen are supposed to seek rather than to avoid acquaintance of ladies irrespective of whatever sets in society to which they belong. It is a material to a gentleman in which set in society his acquaintances move and he can be polite to all finding any in their several circles. With regard to his own sex a gentleman is generally as exclusive as to the acquaintance which he forms as is a lady with regard to the acquaintance which he forms. Reciprocity of taste is the basis on which the acquaintance between men are established subject in a certain measure to social position though this rule is itself subject to many exceptions. It is a rule for gentlemen to ask a mutual friend or an acquaintance for an introduction to a lady and it is the received rule to do so when a gentleman desires to be introduced to any lady in particular but gentlemen do not ask to be introduced to each other unless some special reasons exist for a soldiering some reason that would commend itself to design as well as to the person making the introduction otherwise such a wish will appear to be either curial or psychopathic thus the request might meet with a refusal and the preferred apprenticeship be declined. When introductions are made between ladies an unmarried lady should be introduced to a married lady unless the unmarried lady is of a higher rank than the married lady when the rule is reversed. The correct formula in use when making introductions is Mrs X Lady Z this mentioning the name of the lady of lowest rank first as she is the person introduced to the lady of a highest rank Mrs S Lady Z is all that need to be said on the occasion by the person making the introduction when the ladies are of equal rank it is immaterial which name is mentioned first but there generally exists sufficient difference in the social position of the two ladies to give a slight distinction in favor of one or of the other which person making introduction should take into consideration. When the introduction has been made and the lady should bow to each other and either lady should make a slight remark it is not usual for ladies on being first introduced to each other to shake hands but only to bow but there are already many exceptions to the truth. When one lady is of a higher rank than the other should she offer to shake hands it would be a compliment and a mark of a friendliness on her part. When a person introduces two intimate friends of his or hers to each other they would be expected to shake hands instead of bowing only The relations of an engaged couple should on being introduced shake hands with both bride and bride groom in that has showed the intimate friends of an engaged couple as also should that relation of two families on being introduced to each other. It is the privilege of the lady to be the first to offer to shake hands in every case when a gentleman is introduced to her. A lady should shake hands with everyone introduced to her in her own house that is to say whether the person is brought by mutual friend or is present by invitation obtained through a mutual friend. At dinner parties both small and large the hostess should use her own discretion as to the introduction she thinks proper to make. It is not customary to make general introductions at a dinner party but in sending guests down to dinner who are stranger to each other the host or hostess should introduce the gentleman to the lady whom he is to take down to dinner. It would be quite unnecessary to ask the lady's permission before doing so. It would be sufficient to make the introduction a few moments before dinner was announced and the usual formula is Mrs. A. Mr. B will take you into dinner the bowl is the recognition of this introduction. When the majority at the dinner party are strangers to each other a host or hostess should introduce one or two of the principal guests to each other when time allows of it being done before the dinner is served. Such introductions are often made at a country dinner parties then at a town dinner parties. A hostess should in some instances introduce ladies to each other in the drawing room after dinner if the proportionally offers and she considers it advisable to do so. As a room a host seldom introduces gentlemen to each other in the dining room after dinner as they address each other as a matter of course on such occasions. A hostess should introduce her principal guests to each other at five o'clock teas garden parties, small at homes etc. That is to say gentlemen to ladies for the purpose of their taking the ladies to the tea room in this case also the introduction should be made without previously consulting the lady and a gentleman knowing the reason of the introduction should at once proffer the expected civility. At these gallery a hostess should use her own discretion as to any general introduction she thinks proper to me and should introduce any gentlemen to any lady without previously consulting the lady if she thinks introduction will prove agreeable to her. When introducing ladies to each other she should give married ladies the ladies of her rank the option of the introduction but should introduce young and married ladies to each other if she thinks proper. When callers arrive simultaneously the hostess should introduce them directly or indirectly to each other if there is no social reason to the contrary. When a hostess is aware that her visitor do not desire each other's acquaintanceship or if she considers that the introduction is not altogether a suitable one agreeable to both person she should not make it but can was with each visitor in time at the same time not allowing the conversation to become too general. At large gatherings persons desirous of awarding each other's acquaintanceship could be prison at a house for mutual acquaintance without coming into direct contact with one another providing the host and hostess possess sufficient tact and discretion not to attempt to effect rapprochement between them. At country house parties the hostess should introduce the principal ladies to another on the first day of their arrival but if it is a large party, introduction should not be generally made but should be made according to the judgment of the hostess. The fact of persons being guests in the same house constitute in itself an introduction and it rests with guests thus brought together whether the acquaintancehip ripens in some subsequent intimacy or not. The same remark applies in a degree to afternoon teas and at hoops. The guests converse with each other if inclined to do so. The act of so conversing would not constitute an acquaintancehip although it might under some circumstances. Established above an acquaintancehip special with the gentleman. Ladies should not bow to each other after only exchanging a few remarks in afternoon tea or at a garden party unless there were some particular socialing between them to warrant their so doing in which case the lady of the highest rank should take the initiative. Introductions at public boards. It is erroneous to suppose that it is the duty of stewards to make introductions at public boards. It is the exception another rule for the steward to introduce persons to each other who are strangers to themselves. Society objects and the steward's object to making promiscuous introduction on the following grounds first as we regard the chaperone whether mother or relative who has the charge of a young lady then as we regard a young lady herself and last but not least as regards a position occupied by the steward himself. A chaperone naturally looks and feels displeased when a steward who is a stranger to herself offers to introduce a man who is evidently a stranger to him which fact she gathers by his saying, this gentleman wishes to be introduced to your daughter or why he is asking the stranger his name before making the introduction. A chaperone is responsible for the acquaintances a young lady forms while under her charge at a ball and if amongst her old friends and acquaintances she cannot find partner for her she would prefer that she spent a comparatively dull ending than that she would run the risk of forming undesirable acquaintances. Young ladies have not always the discretion possessed by their elders or sufficient knowledge of the world to do the right thing. Thus some young ladies would either coldly decline the introductions or if the introductions were made would as coldly decline to dance whilst other anxious to dance would accept both the introductions and the partner and take their chance as to whether their brothers would like to see them dancing with strangers thus introduced. A steward himself particularly disliked to be made responsible for men he does not know and whether a chaperone and a young lady are old friends of his or whether they are merely new acquaintances they equally trust to his not introducing men to them whom they would not care to know and or whom he knows nothing say that they have solicited introduction to them. Very few stewards care to approach a lady whom they merely know by sight and by name for the purpose of introducing the stranger they prefer to decline to make the introduction on the plea of not having the honour of ladies acquaintance. Stewards consider that the position of a young man must be particularly a one and his presence at a board somewhat of an anomaly. If he does not possess his acquaintance in the room through whom he can become known to one or other of the stewards or through whom he can be introduced to any particular lady with whom he may desire to dance. When a gentleman is introduced to a young lady at public board it generally means that he is introduced to her as a partner and that though he may not ask her for the next dance he will fall a subsequent one or that he will at least offer to take her into supper or if earlier in the evening to give her some tea or if she declines the similarities that he will continue a conversation with her until the next dance comes until a dance is over When a gentleman does neither of these things but walks away as soon as the introduction is made it is a proof how little he desired it and that doubtless the option was not giving him offer refusing it. Good natured friends of both sexes know how difficult it is to get partner for well dressed, well mannered good looking girls at board unless they are more than ordinarily attractive in some way or other in which case they are popular and so after and only difficult in rest with the young ladies themselves as to how they shall best portion the dances so as to satisfy their numerous partner or persuade their chappards to stay for one more dance which they have promised to etc. It is a well known fact in the world that the majority of young men insist upon being introduced to the most popular girls in the boardroom and refuse being introduced to one who does not appear to have plenty of partners. Public malls are in reality made up of number of small parties and different sets each set or party being entirely independent of the other At country balls the country people take large house parties does or does not mingle with other house parties according standing or intonation. If three large house parties join forces at a ball they form a very imposing majority. But there are other sets in the same boardroom dancing to the same band and adjoining to the same supper room equally part and equally distinct. At balls held at watering places although the resident do not take large house parties yet they join forces with those residents with whom they are acquainted. Reinforced by friends who come down purposely to be present at the ball Thus on the face of fear a steward's introductions cannot fail to be in receipt in whatever set he may be course into making them and it is well understood that introductions to prove acceptable should only be made through friends and acquaintance and even then with tact and judgment. As the steward of a ball are usually the most influential gentleman in the place it naturally follows that they are acquainted with many. If not with all of the principal people present therefore when they make introductions it is not by virtue of their office but simply as a matter of friendship and through being personally acquainted with those introduced by them. Introductions out of doors are rather a matter of inclination than not. As for instance when a lady is walking with another lady to whom she is on a visit she should introduce any friends to her hostess she might happen to be and her hostess should do likewise if time and opportunity offer for soul doing. Should any reason exit for not making an introduction on the part of either lady it should be explained when they are again alone as where either of the ladies to exclude the other from the conversation it would be considered discourteous towards the one excluded. When two ladies accidentally meet went out walking and are subsequently joined by two or more ladies introduction should not be made by either of the ladies unless some special reason exits for soul doing. A lady as a rule should not introduce gentlemen to each other unless one of them is her host when it would be correct to do so. How to act on occasion of an introduction is determined almost entirely upon the reason for it being made and by whom and to whom the person is introduced. Even the local has something to do with it and thus a variety of issues are raised upon which an instantaneous judgment has to be given. The mind has to travel with lightning rapidly over the ground to arrive at a correct cause of action but mind does not always respond to call made upon it. It hesitates and acts not on the outcome of reflection but upon the spirit of the moment. The received rule is not to shake hands but merely to go on being introduced. But this rule under certain circumstances would not meet the case it would disappoint the one introducing and the one introduced. For instance if a relative of a former is the person introduced about would be a very chilling response to the introduction made to shake hands on the contrary would be the correct thing to do so. And both persons should offer at the same moment with cordial validation. On the other hand if a casual introduction is made without any pre-meditation and those introduced are totally unknown to each other an exchange for both is all that is required for them. Among the exception for not merely borrowing on being introduced are the introductions made between young ladies and elderly ones and between young ladies themselves. An elderly lady as a general rule shake hands with the girl introduced to help with the idea of a being cordial and kind and not to say condescending. The girls and the girls generally shake hands with each other in place of a bowing as acquaintance should pull by them have not the importance that attaches to those of older ladies. Besides a greater readiness to make friends is the privilege and characteristic of youth. Men take very much the same view as we got introduction as do women that is to say if an introduction is made by a relative of the men introduced the men would shake hands and not merely bow. This holds equally good where intimate friends are concerned they almost rank on the footing of relations and a cordial reception is given to an introduction that's made. When casual introductions are made of a necessity rather than of intention men do not shake hands. When I think you have met A or I think you know Mr A is said the one by a host and the other by a hostess nothing further is required from either men about and a smile of acquaintance accepting the introduction and a disclaimer is not expected if Mr A is not actually known. The uncertainty is an excuse for making the introduction. Ladies do not rise from their seat on being introduced either at an at home or before dinner is announced or after dinner or when calling when people are introduced to them or when they themselves are introduced half an exception occurs it is true at crowded at homes when to rise and talk to the lady introduced is almost a necessity there is no way you can see for her to take and therefore if both do not stand conversation is at the deadlock as the few first conventional remarks made by either a loss in general buzz going on around also it is awkward and ungraceful for lady to bend over one seated for the purpose of say the few platitudes introductory remarks or remarks following upon introduction are too often a melancholy ring of a common placeness about them and are distinctly tried how can they be otherwise to venture out of the common place into originality would be suspicious of eccentricity and no one wishes to be considered a little odd before and after dinner when introductions are made between ladies it is to those seated near to each other and therefore there would be no occasion to rise and there might be at and at home there is no question of a lady rising from her seat when a man is introduced to her unless that man is a host when she should rise and shake hands with him or a clerical dignity a bishop for instance if opportunity allows of it and on a semi-official occasion this question does not trouble men as they are usually from standing or they are brought up to person to be introduced and even if a man ventures upon sitting down at and at home or before dinner is announced he sprints to his feet with electorate when any approach is made in the manner of introducing him to a fellow guest who may have to be made at afternoon calls supposing that two or three holders only are present and the hostess feels that she must render the talk general by making some kind of introduction direct or endiving as she thinks best the ladies thus introduce remain seated and bow they do not shake hands even under the exceptional conditions previously referred to they would at once join in the talk that passes for conversation and on departure would shake hands with the relative impression after having shaken hands with the hostess and having expressed pleasure at meeting this near relative mother or sister or whoever she may happen to be introductions between callers made under enforced circumstances have not much bearing on future acquaintance those introduced pass so short a time in each other's company and no practically nothing of each other surrounding that they are uncertain whether at a future meetings they ought to recollect that certain introductions have taken place and whether they should bow or forget actually it would be correct to bow if the opportunity is given so to do is the way to bestow recognition is mutual it is of little a way if rushing be given and it would be worse till were it withheld some people have short memories for faces and others are short sighted and both these drawbacks have to be reckoned with when expecting recognition from a person to whom one has been thus introduced and also chapter 2 recording by the Marika Chapter 3 of Manors and Rules this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Colleen McMahon Manors and Rules Leaving Cards the etiquette of card leaving is a privilege which society places in the hands of ladies to govern and determine their acquaintanceships and intimacies to regulate and decide whom they will and whom they will not visit whom they will admit into their friendship and whom they will keep on the most distant footing whose acquaintance they wish further to cultivate and whose to discontinue it would seem that the act of leaving cards is but imperfectly understood and that many erroneous impressions prevail respecting the actual use of visiting cards the object of leaving cards is to signify that a call has been made do civility shown and a like civility expected in return leaving cards or card leaving is one of the most important of social observances as it is the groundwork or nucleus in general society of all acquaintanceships leaving cards according to etiquette is the first step towards forming or towards enlarging the role of acquaintances and the non-fulfillment of the prescribed rules is a sure step in the opposite direction the following is the received code of card leaving in all its details according to the etiquette observed in good society by both ladies and gentlemen and should be faithfully followed a ladies visiting card should be printed in small clear copper plate script and free from any kind of embellishment or old English letters it should not be a thin card and should be three inches and five eighths in width and slightly under two and a half in depth the name of the lady should be printed in the center of the card and her address in the left hand corner if she has a second address it should be printed in the opposite corner of the card if the second address is but a temporary one it is usually written and not printed a married lady should never use her Christian name on a card but she should use her husband's Christian name before her surname if his father or elder brother is living it is now considered old fashioned for husbands and wives to have their names printed on the same card although at watering places the practice of having the two names on the same card Mr. and Mrs. Dash is still occasionally followed but even when these cards are used a lady and gentlemen still requires separate cards of their own a lady having a large acquaintance should keep a visiting book in which to enter the names of her acquaintances and the date when their cards were left upon her with the dates of her return cards left upon them that she might know whether a card were due to her from them or whether it were due to them from her a lady having a small acquaintance would find a memorandum book sufficient for the purpose a line should be drawn down the center of every page dividing it into two columns the one column for the names and the opposite column for the dates of the calls made and returned leaving cards principally devolves upon the mistress of a house a wife should leave cards for her husband as well as for herself and a daughter for her father the master of a house has little or no card leaving to do beyond leaving cards upon his bachelor friends in the country it is otherwise and those who return home are called upon by their friends and acquaintances in the first instance unless under exceptional circumstances ladies arriving in town should leave cards on their acquaintances and friends to intimate that they have returned visiting cards should be left in person and should not be sent by post although in town when the distance is considerable it is tacitly allowed but as a rule ladies invariably leave their cards themselves on arriving in town for the season ladies having a large acquaintance often send their visiting cards to their various friends and acquaintances by a man's servant or through a stationer the routine of card leaving as regards the routine of card leaving when driving a lady should desire her footmen to inquire if the mistress of the house at which she is calling is at home if not at home and it is a first call she should hand him three cards one of her own and two of her husband's her card is left for the mistress of the house and her husband's cards for both the master and mistress if not a first call a lady should leave one only of her husband's cards if his acquaintance with her friends husband is an intimate one and they are in the habit of meeting frequently if on the contrary they know each other but slightly and meet but seldom then two of his cards should be left this however not on every occasion when a lady is merely leaving cards she should hand the three cards to her servant saying for Mrs. Blank this ensures the cards being left at the right address and is the correct formula for the occasion when a lady is walking and finds the mistress of the house at which she calls is not at home she should act as above when a lady intends making a call she should ask if Mrs. Blank is at home and if the answer is in the affirmative she should after making the call leave two of her husband's cards on the hall table and neither put them in the card basket nor leave them on the drawing room table nor offer them to her hostess all of which would be very incorrect but she might on reaching the hall hand them to the man's servant silently or she might send them in by her own servant when seated in her carriage saying for Mr. and Mrs. Smith she should not leave her own card on the hall table as having seen the lady of the house the reason for doing so no longer exists footnote it is however permissible on the occasion of a first call to say I shall leave my card in the hall to remind you of my address or some such phrase end of footnote when a lady calling is accompanied by her husband and the mistress of the house is at home the husband should leave one of his cards only for the absent master of the house when the master of the house is at home also a card in that case should not be left when the mistress of a house has a grown up daughter or daughters the lady leaving cards should turn down one corner of her visiting card the right hand corner generally to include the daughter or daughters in the call this custom of turning down a corner of a visiting card signifies that other ladies of the family besides the hostess are included in the call a foreigner turns down the end of a card instead of one quarter only which has not the same signification it is to denote that he is left it in person a lady should not leave one of her husband's cards for the daughters of the house but she not infrequently leaves his card for the grown up sons of the house when a lady intends leaving cards on a friend who is the guest of someone with whom she is unacquainted she should only leave cards for her friend and not for her friend's hostess but if she is slightly acquainted with her husband's hostess she should leave cards upon her on the occasion of her first visit to her friend but it would not be necessary to do so at every subsequent visit especially if they were a frequent occurrence young ladies should not have visiting cards of their own their names should be printed beneath that of their mother on her card in the case of there being no mother living the daughters name should be printed beneath that of her father on the usual ladies visiting card used by gentlemen when young ladies are taken out into society by relatives or friends their names should be written in pencil under the names of the ladies chaperoning them on their visiting cards maiden ladies of a certain age should have visiting cards of their own but until a young lady has attained what is termed a certain age it argues no little independence of action to have a card of her own but when she no longer requires chaperonage she is entitled to a card of her own being clearly her own mistress and able to choose her own acquaintances when a young lady is on a visit unaccompanied by her parents and wishes to call on ladies with whom the lady she is staying with is unacquainted she should leave her mother's card on which her own name is also printed and should draw a pencil through her mother's name to intimate that she was not with her on that occasion cards should always be returned within a week if possible or ten days at latest should have been left but to do so within a week is more courteous uncare must be taken to return the call or cards according to the etiquette observed by the person making the call or leaving the card that is to say that a call must not be returned by a card only or a card by a call this is a point ladies should be very punctilious about should a lady of higher rank return a card by a call asking if the mistress of the house were at home her so doing would be in strict etiquette and should she return a call by a card only it should be understood that she wished the acquaintance to be of the slightest and should a lady call upon an acquaintance of higher rank than herself who had only left a card upon her her doing so would be a breach of etiquette in large establishments the hall porter enters the names of all callers in a book expressly kept for the purpose while some ladies merely desire their servant to sort the cards left for them the name of the lady or gentleman for whom the cards are intended should never be written on the cards left at a house the only case in which it should be done would be when cards are left on a lady or gentleman staying at a crowded hotel when to save confusion and to ensure they're receiving them their names should be written on them thus for Mr. and Mrs. Smith but this would be quite an exceptional case otherwise to do so would be extremely vulgar leaving cards after entertainments visiting cards should be left after the following entertainments balls, receptions private theatricals, amateur concerts and dinners by those who have been invited whether the invitations have been accepted or not and should be left the day after the entertainment if possible and certainly within the week according to the rules of card leaving already described on these occasions cards should be left without inquiry as to whether the hostess is at home although after a dinner party it is the rule to ask if she is at home as to dying at a house denotes a greater intimacy than being present at a large gathering if the hostess were not at home cards should be left if a lady has been but once present at any entertainment whether the invitation came through a mutual friend or direct from the hostess herself the hostess being but a slight acquaintance of her own decides leaving cards on her the day following she can if she desires leave cards for her the following season or if residing in the same town within a reasonable time of the entertainment but if these cards are not acknowledged by cards being left in return she should of course understand that the acquaintance is to proceed no further a lady should not leave cards on another lady to whom she is but recently been introduced at a dinner party or afternoon tea she must meet her several times in society and feel sure that her acquaintance is desired before venturing to leave cards if two ladies are of equal rank tact will be their best guide as to the advisability of leaving cards or not upon each other the lady of superior rank may take the initiative if she pleases if either of the ladies express a wish to further the acquaintance by asking the other to call upon her the suggestion should come from the lady of highest rank if of equal rank it is in material as to which first makes the suggestion but in either case the call should be paid within the week leaving cards upon newcomers in the country the residents should be the first to leave cards on the newcomers after ascertaining the position which the newcomers occupy in society persons moving in the same sphere should either leave cards or call according as they intend to be ceremonious or friendly and the return visit should be paid in like manner a card for a card a call for a call it is the received rule that residents should call on newcomers although having no previous acquaintance with them or introductions to them newcomers even if of higher rank should not call on residents in the first instance but should wait until the residents have taken the initiative if residents do not wish to continue the acquaintance after the first meeting it is discontinued by not leaving cards or by not calling again and if the newcomers feel disinclined to continue the acquaintance they should return the calls by leaving cards only calling on newcomers in the country should not be done indiscriminately and do consideration should be paid to individual status in society the lady of highest social position in the circle to which the newcomers belong generally takes the responsibility of calling first on the newcomers by newcomers is expressed persons who intend to reside in a county or town for a long or even for a short period and who are not casual visitors in the place the custom of residents calling on newcomers is entirely confined to county society and does not apply to residents in large towns and populous watering places in old cathedral cities in quiet country towns far from the metropolis on the contrary the rule holds good of residents calling on newcomers cards to inquire cards to inquire after friends during their illness should be left in person and should not be sent by post but they may be sent by a servant on a ladies visiting card should be written above the printed name to inquire after mrs smith when the person inquired after is sufficiently recovered to return thanks in person the usual visiting card with many thanks for kind inquiries written above the printed name is the usual mood of returning thanks and is all sufficient for the purpose ppc cards formerly ppc cards were left within a week of departure or within 10 days if the acquaintance was a large one the letters ppc for pprandre congé written at the lower corner of visiting cards indicate departure from town or from a neighborhood ppc cards may be left in person or sent by a servant they can also be sent by post the object of leaving ppc cards is to avoid leaf takings and correspondence concerning departure and to prevent offense being given if letters and invitations remain unanswered in the country an absence of from 3 to 6 months renders leaving ppc cards somewhat necessary under that period it would be unnecessary to give notice of a temporary absence which does not amount to an actual departure short absences render it unnecessary to leave ppc cards holiday movements at christmas easter and witsentide are thoroughly recognized and no leave taking is obligatory ppc cards are now seldom if ever left in town business calls when a lady makes a strictly business call upon either a lady or gentleman she should give her card to the servant to be taken to his master or mistress but on no other occasion should she do so gentlemen's visiting cards a gentleman's card should be thin thick cards are not in good taste and not glazed and of the usual narrow width i.e. one and a half inches in depth and three inches in width his name should be printed in the center thus mr. smith or mr. francis smith should he require the addition of his christian name to distinguish him from his father or elder brother to have francis smith printed on the card without the prefix of mr. would be in bad taste initials appertaining to honorary rank should never be written or printed on a card such as dl, kc, mp, kcb, md etc military or professional titles necessarily precede the surname of the person bearing them and are always used such as colonel smith, captain smith reverend h smith doctor smith etc as regards titles the honorable is the only title that is not used on a visiting card thus the honorable henry smith card should bear the words mr. henry smith only a baronet's card should be printed thus sir george smith and a knight's card thus sir charles smith a gentleman's address should be printed in the left hand corner of the card if a member of a club it is usual to print the name of the club at the right hand officers usually have the name of the club printed at the left hand corner in place of the address and the regiment to which they belong at the right hand cards should be printed in small copper plate script without ornamentation of any kind old english letters look old fashioned on a card and are but little used and ornamental capital letters are never used and are out of date the lettering should be as plain and as free from any sort of establishment as it well can be the routine of card leaving for gentlemen to bachelors card leaving is an irksome routine of etiquette and is therefore in a measure often neglected by reason of their having little or no leisure at command during the afternoon hours this is now thoroughly understood and accepted in general society when however a bachelor has his way to make in society and has leisure to further the acquaintances he has already made follow the rules of card leaving bachelors as a rule are expected to leave cards on the master and mistress of a house with whom they are acquainted as soon as they are aware that the family has arrived in town or if a bachelor himself has been away he should leave cards on his acquaintances immediately after his return he should leave one card for the mistress of the house and one for its master a gentleman should not turn down a corner of his card even though he may be acquainted with other ladies of the family besides the mistress of the house a gentleman should not leave a card for the young daughters of the house or for any young relative of its mistress who might be staying with her but if a married couple with whom he is acquainted were staying with the friends on whom he is calling he should leave two cards for them one for the wife and one for the husband and should tell the servant for whom they are intended as regards leaving cards upon new acquaintances a gentleman should not leave his card upon a married lady or the mistress of a house to whom he has been introduced however gracious or agreeable she has been to him unless she expressly asks him to call or gives him to understand in an unmistakable manner that his doing so would be agreeable to her this rule holds good whether the introduction has taken place at a dinner party at a ball at an at home at a country house gathering or elsewhere he would not be entitled to leave his card on her on such slight acquaintanceship as if she desired his further acquaintance she would make some polite illusion to his calling at her house in which case he should leave his card on her as soon afterwards as convenient and he should also leave a card for the master of the house the lady's husband or father as the case may be even if he had not made his acquaintance when making that of the lady a gentleman should not leave a card on a young lady to whom he has been introduced but upon her mother or the relative with whom she is residing when the acquaintance between gentleman is but slight they should occasionally leave cards upon each other especially when they do not move in the same circle and are not otherwise likely to meet it generally follows that the one who most desires the acquaintance ship is the one to leave his card first always supposing that the strength of the acquaintance would warrant his so doing the one of highest rank should be the one that he desires the acquaintance of the other if the rank be equal it is a matter of inclination which calls first the rules of etiquette those stringent as regards acquaintances have little or no application as regards intimate friends friendship over rules etiquette when a bachelor has a number of intimate friends very little card leaving is required from him as far as they are concerned leaving cards after entertainments in the event of a gentleman receiving an invitation to an entertainment from an acquaintance or from a new acquaintance or through some mutual friend he should leave his cards at the house within a week or 10 days after the entertainment one for the mistress and one for the master of the house whether he is accepted the invitation or not between friends this rule is greatly relaxed it is usual for a gentleman to leave his cards on the host or on the hostess after every entertainment to which he's been invited by them whether it be a dinner party or ball or at home etc whether he has been present or not the fact of his having been invited by them obliges him to pay them the civility although great latitude as regards time is now accorded in general society with regard to this particular rule if invited by a new acquaintance the card should be left a few days after the entertainment but if by a less recent acquaintance they should be left within 10 days or a fortnight where all year the cards are left the greater the politeness shown if a bachelor acquaintance gives an entertainment the same rule applies as to the necessity of cards being left on him by those gentlemen but slightly acquainted with him who have been invited to the entertainment when a gentleman has been invited to an entertainment given at the house of a new acquaintance whether the acquaintance be a lady or a gentleman it would be etiquette for him to leave his card upon them even though they may not have invited him to any subsequent entertainment given by them within the year if during the following year they do not again invite him he might consider the acquaintance at an end and cease to call these complimentary calls made or rather cards left should not average more than four during the year memorial cards are out of date in society and consequently should not be sent to either relatives or friends a widow should not make use of her Christian name on her visiting cards to distinguish her from other members of her late husband's family her cards should be printed as during his lifetime end of chapter 3 recording by Colleen McMahon chapter 4 of manners and rules this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Colleen McMahon manners and rules paying calls ladies stand upon strict and ceremonious etiquette with each other as regards both paying and receiving calls ignorance or neglect of the rules which regulate paying calls brings many inconveniences in its train for instance when a lady neglects to pay a call due to an acquaintance she runs the risk of herself and daughters being excluded from appointments given by the set acquaintance when a call has not been made within a reasonable time a coldness is apt to arise between ladies but slightly acquainted with each other some ladies take the submission good-naturedly or indifferently while with others the acquaintance merges into a mere bowing acquaintance to be subsequently dropped altogether the first principle of calling is that those who are the first to arrive in town should be the first to call upon acquaintances to intimate their return morning calls so designated on account of their being made before dinner are more strictly speaking afternoon calls as they should only be made between the hours of three and six o'clock calls made in the morning that is before one o'clock would not come under the denomination of morning calls as they can only be made by intimate friends and not by acquaintances and are not therefore amenable to the rules of etiquette which govern the afternoon calls which calls are regulated in a great measure as to the hour of calling by the exact degree of intimacy existing between the person who calls and the person called upon from three to four o'clock is the ceremonious hour for calling from four to five o'clock is the semi-cermonious hour and from five to six o'clock is the holy friendly and without ceremony hour if a lady is driving when she calls in the house of an acquaintance she should say to her servant ask if Mrs. A. is at home when a lady is walking she should ask the same question herself when the answer is in the negative she should leave one of her own cards and one of her husbands and should say to the servant for Mr. and Mrs. A. when the answer is in the affirmative the lady should enter the house without further remark and follow the servant to the drawing room and however accustomed a visitor may be to a house it is still the proper etiquette for the servant to lead the way and announce him or her to his mistress and this rule should not be dispensed with except in the case of very near relations or very intimate friends at the drawing room door the servant waits for a moment until the visitor has reached the landing when the visitor should give his name or her name to the servant and Mrs. A. should the servant be unacquainted with it if the visitor calling bears the title of honourable it should not be mentioned by him or her to the servant when giving the name neither should it be mentioned by the servant when announcing the visitor all titles are given in full by the servants of those who bear them thus the Duke and Duchess of A the Marquis and Marchioness of B the Earl and Countess of C the Viscountess D Lord and Lady E et cetera but a Marchioness, a Countess or a Viscountess when giving her name to be announced at a morning call would style herself Lady A only a gentleman or lady should never give his or her visiting card to the servant when the mistress of the house is at home a servant should not knock at the drawing room door when announcing visitors to the drawing room door should stand inside the doorway he should not stand behind the door but well into the room facing the mistress of the house if possible and should say Mr. A or Mrs. A when the mistress of the house is not in the drawing room when a visitor arrives the visitor should seat herself and rise at her entrance visitors should not make any inquiries of the servant as to how long his mistress will be et cetera visitors are not expected to converse with the servants of their acquaintances and should not enter into conversation with them formerly a gentleman when calling took his hat and stick in his hand with him into the drawing room and held them until he had seen the mistress of the house and shaken hands with her he either placed them on a chair or a table near at hand or held them in his hand according as to whether he felt at ease many middle aged and elderly men still follow this fashion in a degree and take their hats and sticks into the drawing room when making formal calls the newer fashion amongst younger men is to leave their hats and sticks in the hall and not to take them into the drawing room with them when calling to do this is now very general as hats are in the way if tea is going on besides men were apt to forget where they placed their hats and frequently had to return to the drawing room at at-homes small afternoon teas luncheons dinners etc. the rule is the same and hats are left in the hall by invited guests a gentleman should not take his stick or umbrella with him into the drawing room but leave it in the hall when gentlemen wear gloves they can take them off or keep them on as they please it is immaterial which they do but when a call is made when tea is going on it is more usual to take them off when the mistress of the house is in the drawing room when a visitor is announced and she should so arrange her occupations so as always to be found there on the afternoons when she intends being at home should visitors call she should rise come forward and shake hands with her visitor she should not ask her visitor to be seated or to take a seat but she might well say where will you sit or will you sit here or something to this effect and should at once sit down or to do the same as near to herself as possible both hostess and visitor should guard against displaying a fussy demeanor during a morning call as a morning call is oftener than not a tete-a-tete and a tete-a-tete between two persons but slightly acquainted with each other requires a considerable amount of tact and savoir vivre to be sustained with ease and self-possession a fussy woman is without repose without dignity and savoir vivre a hostess betrays that she is not much accustomed to society when she attempts to amuse her visitor by the production of albums, photographs, books illustrated newspapers portfolios of drawings the artistic efforts of the members of the family and the like conversation being all that is necessary without having recourse to pictorial displays if not intimate enough to refer to family matters the conversation should turn into light topics of the hour footnote see work entitled the art of conversing end of footnote people unused to society are apt to fall back upon the above adventitious aids a hostess should rely solely upon her own powers of conversation to make the short quarter of an hour which is the limit of a ceremonious call pass pleasantly to her visitor the hostess should not offer her visitor any refreshments wine and cake for instance no refreshments whatever save tea should be offered to morning visitors they are not supposed to require them in the country it is customary to offer sherry to gentlemen callers and to order tea for the ladies even though the call is made rather early in the afternoon and a little before the hour for having tea ceremonious visits are usually paid before the hour of half past four but if tea is brought in while the visitor is in the drawing room or if the visitor calls while the hostess is having tea she should naturally offer her visitor tea when the mistress of the house only expects a few callers tea is placed on a small table a silver tray being generally used for the purpose the hostess should pour out the tea herself when a gentleman is present he should hand the cups to the visitors or visitor otherwise the hostess should herself do so and then hand the sugar and cream without asking whether her visitors will have either unless she is preparing the cups of tea herself in which case she should ask the question when a second visitor arrives ten or fifteen minutes after the first visitor the first visitor should take her leave as soon as she conveniently can when the second visitor is a lady the hostess should rise and shake hands with her and then seat herself the first visitor if a lady should not rise if a gentleman he should do so she should also rise and come forward when a gentleman is announced this gives her an opportunity of talking to him for a few moments on his first entering the room the second visitor should at once seat him or herself near to the hostess she should introduce the callers to each other unless she has some special reason for not doing so she could however in the course of conversation merely mention the name of each caller so that each may become aware this is now often done when formal introductions are not made if the hostess possesses tact and a facility and readiness of speech she should skillfully draw both callers into the conversation a subject which is fully enlarged upon in the art of conversing the hostess should not take this latter course unless aware that the two visitors would be likely to appreciate each other when one visitor arrives immediately after the other the hostess should arrive immediately with both visitors and the lady who is the first to arrive should be the first to leave after a call from 10 to 15 minutes when only one visitor is present the hostess should accompany her to the door of the drawing room and linger for a few moments whilst the visitor is descending the stairs to do so would not be imperative but it would be courteous when the hostess present he should accompany the lady downstairs into the hall this also is a possibility and greatly depends upon the estimation in which the lady is held by the host and hostess when two visitors are present the hostess should rise and shake hands with the departing visitor but unless a person of greater consideration than the visitor whose story means seated she should not accompany her to the drawing room door one visitor should not rise from her seat when another is about to take her leave when visitors are acquainted with each other they should rise shake hands when one of the visitors is a gentleman he should rise even if unacquainted with the lady who is about to take her leave he should not remain seated when the hostess is standing when two visitors either two ladies or two gentlemen have slightly converse with each other during a morning call they should not shake hands with each other on leaving but should merely bow when they have not spoken to each other they should not bow when they have been formally introduced they should still only bow unless the acquaintance has progressed into sudden intimacy through previous knowledge of each other when one of the visitors present is a gentleman he should open the drawing room door for the departing visitor but he should not accompany her downstairs unless requested by the hostess to do so the visitor should bow to him and thank him but not shake hands with him when the hostess has shaken hands with the guest and before crossing the room with her she should ring the drawing room bell that the servant may be in readiness in the hall to open the door she should ring the bell even if the host were accompanying the lady downstairs it would be thoughtless on the part of the hostess to forget to ring the bell to give notice to the servant that a visitor was leaving in the country the caller before rising to depart sometimes asks if she may ring for her motor card to come round when the hostess is in reach of the bell she should ring it for her if she is present he should do so on the servant's entrance the caller should say my motor car please when a lady is calling on a friend the guest of someone with whom she herself is unacquainted or even but slightly acquainted she should in both cases ask if her friend is at home and not if the mistress of the house is at home and having paid her visit on leaving the house she should leave cards for its mistress if she is slightly acquainted with her she should do so if she is unacquainted with her when a lady has a guest staying on at a visit to her if convenient she should when her guest expected visitors absent herself from the drawing room at that particular time unless the expected visitors are mutual friends of herself and guest if she is in the drawing room with her guest when a visitor is announced so as to render an introduction inevitable a formal introduction should be made but the mistress of the house after a very few minutes should make some excuse quietly leave the room and not return until after the departure the visitor it would be inconsiderate where the mistress of the house to remain in the drawing room while calls were paid to her guest by strangers to herself unless at her guest's particular request when a visitor is a gentleman and the guest a young unmarried lady the mistress of the house should remain in the drawing room to chaperone her when the mistress of the house desires of making the acquaintance of any particular friend of her guest from whom she expected a visit when the visit occurs and previous to the visitor taking her leave the guest should ask if she will allow her to introduce her to the lady with whom she is staying if her visitor desires the introduction she should then ring and request the servant to tell his mistress that Mrs. A. is in the drawing room which message the hostess would understand to mean that her presence is desired and then be made on her appearing an introduction if made in this manner could become the basis of a future acquaintance both ladies having had the option of refusing the acquaintance of the other if so disposed whereas a forced introduction where no option is given would hardly count as the basis of a future acquaintance unless the ladies thus introduced mutually appreciated each other in the country a guest seldom has friends and acquaintances in the neighborhood who are unknown to her hostess if otherwise the hostess should give her guest the opportunity of seeing her visitor by leaving them together when the call is made when a guest is present when the mistress of a house is receiving callers she should introduce them to her guest or her guest to them according to the rank of either when a lady is driving with a friend who is a stranger to the acquaintance on whom she is calling she should not take her into the house with her while she makes her call unless she is a young lady or unless there is some special reason for introducing the two ladies to each other or unless both ladies have expressed a wish to become acquainted with each other husbands and wives occasionally pay calls together but often they do not a lady as a rule pays a call by herself unless she has a grown-up daughter when she should accompany her mother occasionally two ladies both intimate with the lady of the house pay their calls together a family party of father and mother and daughter or daughters rarely call in town together save under very exceptional circumstances but in the country a family party of three or four would as a matter of course call together it is country etiquette to do so a considerable difference exists with regard to Sunday calls or calling on Sundays ladies should not pay ceremonious calls on Sundays it would not be etiquette for an acquaintance to call on a Sunday it would rather be considered a liberty unless she were expressly asked to do so intimate friends on the contrary often make Sunday a special day for calling and therefore ladies and gentlemen more especially gentlemen extend their calling hours from three until six o'clock on Sundays when a lady is acquainted with the daughters of a family only and not with their father or mother she should call on the daughters who should at once introduce her to their mother on the next occasion of calling if the mother is not present the lady calling should leave cards for her and at all morning calls when the daughters of the house receive a ceremonious visit from an acquaintance in the absence of their mother whether from in disposition or any other cause cards should be left for her in the hall before leaving by the lady calling c.3 in all cases when morning calls are made and the lady called on is not at home cards should be left according to the etiquette described in c.2 an etiquette which should be strictly observed when the lady called on is at home cards should be left for the gentleman of the family according to the same rules of card leaving which cannot be too punctiliously followed a mistress of a house should inform her servant after or before luncheon or before the hours for calling should be at home to visitors or not during the afternoon not at home is the understood formula expressive of not wishing to see visitors not at home is not intended to imply an untruth but rather to signify that for some reason or reasons it is not desirable to see visitors and as it would be impossible to explain to acquaintances the why and the wherefor of its being inconvenient to receive visitors the formula of not at home is an all sufficient explanation provided always that a servant is able to give a direct answer at once of not at home when the query is put to him if a servant is not sure as to whether his mistress wishes to see visitors or not it is almost a direct defense to the lady calling if he hesitates as to his answer and leaves her either sitting in her carriage or standing in the hall while he will see if his mistress is at home perhaps returning with the unsatisfactory answer that she is not at home in which case the intimation is almost received as a personal exclusion rather than as a general exclusion of visitors if a lady is dressing to go out when a visitor calls the servant can mention that fact to a visitor calling and offered to ascertain if his mistress will see the caller and the caller should use her own discretion as to whether she will allow him to do so or not but unless the visit is one of importance it would be best in such a case only to leave cards when a second visitor calls a servant should not be permitted to say that his mistress is engaged with a lady or with a gentleman but should usher the second caller into the drawing room as he has previously done the first caller he should not inquire as to whether his mistress will see the second caller or not neither should he inform the second caller as to whether he one is or is not with his mistress as ignorant servants are too apt to do it is not usual to offer coffee at afternoon tea tea only is given to offer coffee is a foreign fashion and not an English one morning callers should not be conducted to the dining room to have tea and tea is only served in the dining room on the occasion of a large afternoon tea or an afternoon at home etc see chapter on afternoon afternoon at homes the tea hour varies from four to four thirty o'clock when callers are present at four o'clock tea should be brought in at that hour it should be placed upon a small table which is first covered with a white linen or damask tea cloth the tea tray should be large enough to hold in addition to the china silver teapot etc and earn for hot water which should be brought in and placed upon it a stand containing hot cakes an uncut cake small cakes, tiny sandwiches and thin bread and butter should be placed near to the table tiny tea plates should be placed in a pile upon the tea tray they being in general use the hostess or her daughter should pour out the tea apart from the forgoing style of afternoon tea is the newer fashion of what might be termed a round table tea at which hostess and guests sit but this style is more usual at tea houses than in townhouses at present on account of the space required if for no other reason the tea is served in a smaller drawing room upon a large round or oval table which is covered with a white table cloth upon which the tea tray with all its contents is placed cakes hot and cold sandwiches pastry fruit jam bread and butter biscuits dry toast etc are given and the visitors seated at the table help themselves to what they require the hostess pours out the tea and hands the cups as when the guests are not seated in this way dessert plates and dessert knives and forks should be placed on the table beside the small tea plates to be taken as required End of Chapter 4 Recording by Colleen McMahon For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Jane Bennett Manus and Rules Chapter 5 Presidency The order of presidency due to each individual according to rank is a matter of great importance at official banquets and at ceremonious dinner parties when its correct observance should be strictly adhered to as regards presidency amongst royal personages the sovereign takes precedence of all others in the realm the king takes precedence of Queen Mary the prince of Wales takes precedence of the Duke of Connacht Queen Alexandra takes precedence of the royal princesses the royal princesses take precedence of their husbands Prince Christian and the Duke of Argyle The presidency according to foreign royal personages in this country very much depends upon their individual rank imperial highnesses and royal highnesses take precedence of serene highnesses the presidency according to Eastern princes is generally synonymous with that according to serene highnesses but in some instances the claims of individual presidency are so difficult to define in official cases it is sometimes necessary to make a special rule as to the amount of presidency to be allowed as regards general presidency Archbishops Ambassadors the Lord High Chancellor the Prime Minister the Lord Chancellor of Ireland Lord President of the Council and Lord Privy Seal take precedence of dukes dukes take precedence of earls and so on throughout the various degrees of nobility foreign ministers and envoys take precedence next after dukes in the order of their seniority of service in England in all cases where presidency is to be established between persons of equal rank it is necessary to refer to a peerage for date of creation of title as this actually decides all presidency for presidency due to baronettes and their wives a baronetage should be consulted for presidency due to knights and their wives a knightage should be consulted in reference to each order of knighthood for the presidency due to the legal profession a law list should be consulted when it is not defined by office or birth for the presidency due to the clergy a clergy list should be consulted when superior preferment or birth does not define it for the presidency due to officers in the army and navy an army list and a navy list should be consulted to determine the presidency due to each in the separate services officer should be sent into dinner according to the dates of commission but no branch of the army takes precedence over the other as regards rank of officers that is to say a colonel of 1901 of say a west india regiment would precede a colonel of guards, artillery or cavalry of 1902 promotion drawn up on a brigade parade the cavalry take the right of the line thus artillery, royal engineers foot guards and regular regiments, regiments and west india regiments in the order named in the army list as regards presidency between officers of the combined services a table of relative rank and presidency in the army and navy should be consulted as a captain in the navy after three years service ranks with a colonel in the army a lieutenant of the navy of eight years standing ranks with a major in the army and a lieutenant under that standing in the navy ranks with a captain in the army etc consulate officers also take precedence according to seniority of service in England and date of official arrival the foreign office list of the current year should be consulted for date in each instance as regards the precedence due to widows bearing titles who have married again the widow of a peer married to a commoner retains her title by courtesy and the presidency due to the title is accorded to her when the widow of a duke marries a person of lower rank than that of her late husband she still retains her presidency the daughter of a peer if married to a baronet or a commoner retains her presidency but if married to a baron her presidency is merged in that of her husband the widow of a baronet married to a commoner retains her title by right and not by courtesy the widow of a knight married to a commoner retains her title by courtesy only but the presidency due to the widow of a knight is accorded to her when the daughter of a duke marries a peer she takes the presidency due to the rank of her husband when married to a commoner presidency is accorded to her due to the daughter of a duke age confers no presidency on either sex equals in rank from the highest to the lowest take precedence according to the creation of their title and not as regards the age of the person bearing the title as for instance a youthful duke would take precedence of an aged duke if the title of the youthful duke or an earlier date than that of the aged duke the same rule applies equally to baronets and knights when two earls are present at a dinner party the date of their respective patents of nobility decides the order of presidency due to them a host or hostess should always consult a peerage or a baronetage if in doubt as to the precedence due to expected best bearing titles wealth or social position are not taken into account in this matter it being strictly a question of date the precedence due to ladies of equal rank takes effect in the same manner thus a young wife of a baronet takes precedence over the elderly wife of a baronet if the creation of her husband's title bears an earlier date when the claims to precedency of persons of equal rank clash the claims of a gentleman should be waived in favour of those of a lady should the persons be of opposite sexes thus if two couples of superior rank to the other guests were present at a dinner party the host should take down the lady of highest rank and the hostess should be taken down by the gentleman of highest rank in which case the lady second in rank should go into dinner before her husband although the gentleman taking her down to dinner were of lower rank than her husband esquires and the wives of esquires take precedence according to their social position members of parliament have no precedence though it is often accorded to them as a matter of courtesy especially in the county which they represent the wives of members of parliament are likewise entitled to no precedence on the grounds of their husbands being members of parliament the high sheriff of a county takes precedence over all other gentlemen in the county of whatever rank save the lord lieutenant according to the royal warrant issued by his late majesty king Edward giving precedence to lord lieutenant of counties before high sheriffs the high sheriff out of his particular county has no precedence neither has a lord lieutenant and the wives of either lord lieutenant or high sheriffs take no precedence on account of their husbands official dignity an assized judge takes precedence over the high sheriff as the assized judge represents the sovereign of the realm clergymen barristers at law officers in the army and navy take precedence over esquires on account of such rank and in each profession precedence should be accorded them according to dignity date of ordination date of call and date of commission in their several professions assuming that the rank is equal high clerical and legal dignitaries take special precedence for instance the archbishop of canterbury takes precedence of all dukes and the lord chancellor takes precedence of the archbishop of york who also takes precedence of dukes bishops take precedence of all barons whatever their date of creation the lord chief justice the master of the roles when not peers and all judges of the high court justice in their various divisions take precedence after privy counselors and before baronettes and all knights save the knights of the garter the relative rank between officers of the army and navy and doctors of divinity is somewhat difficult to determine as regards the precedence to be given them at a dinner party Dodd places esquires by office includes all officers of the army and navy next before the younger sons of knights and before doctors in divinity who follow next in order while lodge places officers of the navy and army after the younger sons of knights bachelor clergymen and barristers at law precedence at dinner parties when royalty is present at a dinner party the royal takes precedence of a princess and leads the way with the hostess the host following next with the princess on the other hand a princess of the blood royal takes precedence of a foreign prince her husband and leads the way with the host the host should take down the lady of highest rank and lead the way with her to the dining room the guest should follow the hosting couples according to the degree of precedence due to them and the hostess should follow the last couple with the gentleman of highest rank present when a greater number of gentlemen than ladies are present at a dinner party as is often the case these gentlemen should follow the hostess to the dining room and not precede her when a widow or maiden lady is hostess and there is no gentleman of the family present to act as host the gentleman's second in rank should take down the lady of highest rank leading the way with her to the dining room the hostess following last with the gentleman of highest rank in the case of either a husband's sister or a wife's sister being required to act as hostess precedence should be given to the wife's sister an eldest son's wife should take precedence of her husband's sisters in his father's house as regards the precedence due to the relatives of a host or hostess it should give way in favour of that due to the guests not related to the host or hostess although their relatives might be perhaps of higher ranks than the guests themselves occasionally the eldest son of the house acts as second host taking down a lady's second or third in rank but the daughters of the house should always be taken down to dinner after the other lady's present and in no case before them no precedence is accorded to either a lady or a gentleman by virtue of a mother's rank no precedence is accorded to brides in society although occasionally in the country old-fashioned people consider it due to a bride to send her into dinner with the host on the occasion of her first dining at a house within three months of her marriage table of general precedency gentlemen the king the prince of wales the sovereign's younger sons the sovereign's grandsons the sovereign's brothers the sovereign's uncles the sovereign's nephews ambassadors archbishop of canterbury lord high chancellor archbishop of york the prime minister lord chancellor of ireland lord president of the council lord privy seal dukes who may happen to hold either of these five officers one lord grade chamberlain two url marshal three lord steward four lord chamberlain five master of the horse dukes in order of their patents of creation one dukes of england two dukes of scotland three dukes of great britain four dukes of ireland created before the union five dukes created since the union since the union eldest sons of dukes of blood royal marquesas who may hold either of the officers of state named above marquesas in same order as dukes dukes eldest sons urls holding either of the five officers of state urls in same order as dukes younger sons of dukes of blood royal marquesas eldest sons dukes younger sons five counts who may hold either of the five officers of state five counts in same order as dukes urls eldest sons marquesas younger sons bishop of london bishop of darum bishop of winchester other english bishops in order of their consecration moderator of the church of scotland barons holding either of the five officers of state barons who may be secretaries of state or irish secretary barons in same order as dukes the speaker of the house of commons treasurer of the household controller of the household vice chamberlain of the household secretaries of state below the rank of barons five counts eldest sons urls younger sons barons eldest sons commoners who are knights of the garter privy councillors of rank lower than the foregoing according to date they were sworn in chancellor of the exchequer chancellor of the duchy of lancaster lord chief justice of england master of the rolls lords justice of appeal and president of probate court judges of the high court of justice five counts younger sons barons younger sons sons of life peers baronettes according to dates of patents knights grand cross of bath knights grand commanders star of india knights grand cross of saint michael and saint george knights grand commanders of indian empire knights grand cross of royal victorian order knights commanders of above orders in same sequence commanders of the royal victorian order judges of county courts in england and ireland and judges of the city of london court masters in lunacy companions of orders of bath star of india saint's michael and george and indian empire in same sequence members of fourth class of royal victorian order companions of distinguished service order eldest sons of younger sons of peers baronettes eldest sons knights eldest sons in order of their fathers baronettes eldest sons eldest sons in order of their fathers members of fifth class of royal victorian order younger sons of peers younger sons baronettes younger sons knights younger sons in order of their fathers naval, military and other esquires by office gentlemen entitled to bear coat armor ladies the queen the queen mother the sovereign's daughters wives of sovereign's younger sons sovereign's granddaughters wives of sovereign's grandsons sovereign's sisters wives of sovereign's brothers sovereign's aunts wives of sovereign's uncles sovereign's nieces wives of sovereigns, nephews, duchesses, in same order as dukes, wives of eldest sons of dukes of blood, royal, Marchionesses, wives of eldest sons of dukes, daughters of dukes, Countesses, wives of younger sons of royal dukes, wives of eldest sons of Marquesses, daughters of Marquesses, wives of younger sons of dukes, by Countesses, wives of eldest sons of earls, daughters of earls, wives of younger sons of Marquesses, Baronesses, wives of eldest sons of bycounts, daughters of bycounts, wives of younger sons of earls, wives of eldest sons of barons, daughters of barons, maids of honour, wives of younger sons of bycounts, wives of younger sons of barons, daughters and sons' wives of life peers, wives of baronettes, daughters of baronettes, wives of eldest sons of knights, daughters of knights, wives of younger sons of peers younger sons, wives of younger sons of baronettes, wives of younger sons of knights, wives of esquires, wives of gentlemen. End of chapter 5