 Craft presents the Great Gilder Sleeve. Each week at this time, Craft presents from Hollywood, California, Harold Perry as the Great Gilder Sleeve, written by Leonard L. Levinson. We'll hear from the Great Gilder Sleeve in just a moment. But right now, here's a question for you. Did you know that you can overeat and still be undernourished, that it's not so much the quantity of food you eat as the kind of food you eat that's important? Well, it's true. And that's why you should learn all you can about the right foods to serve your family. Wholesome protective foods that provide the energy and real nourishment your family needs. So it's important to you that delicious parquet margarine made by Craft is one of the right foods. And that it's so economical you can serve your family all they need. Yes, parquet margarine is a protective food that's packed full of wholesome nourishment. Parquet is one of the best sources of food energy you can serve. And you all know how important vitamin A is. It's truly a protective vitamin. Well, parquet margarine is rich in vitamin A. There are 9,000 units in every pound. And don't forget, parquet is the margarine with the delicious flavor, whether you use it at the table for baking or for pan frying. So ask your dealer for delicious economical parquet margarine made by Craft. Just ask for parquet, P-A-R-K-A-Y. And now let's visit our friend the great gilder sleeve. Mr. Gilder Sleeve, report of a state of Marjory and Leroy Forrester miners submitted by Throckport and P. Gilder Sleeve Guardian. Well, it looks very neat, Ted. Should impress Judge Hooker. Is it complete? All but the name of that firm that leased the 12th Street property. Oh yes, let's see. What was that firm? Oh yes, the swanky-hanky shoppy. Thanks, I'll just fill that in. It was a 99-year lease, wasn't it? Yes, 99 years with monthly options. Oh, Marjory. Hi, Marjory. Hey, that's a new dress, isn't it? Yes. What do you think of it? Stop asking him questions, Marjory, or he'll charge the estate for giving a legal opinion. I'll go in the other room, young man, and tend to your paper. Did you want me? Yes. All ready to go to court, eh? What about your brother? Where is Leroy? Well, I've sent him to change his shirt for the third time. Uncle, I wish we'd make him get rid of that printing press. Well, little boys will always revert to type. Now tell him to hurry. I don't want to be late. This is important and I'm getting jittery about it. Oh, now relax and take it easy, Uncle Throckmorton. Relax? Ted says the report is in fine shape. Why, there's nothing to be excited about. Now, where's this? No, by George. Come to think of it, I've done wonders. If I do say so myself. In fact, I will say so myself. I've done wonders. I think so. Why, since you arrived in Summerfield a month ago, you've straightened out all of our investments, rented that vacant property, and even put the kitchen on a budget. Why, Judge Hooker should be very pleased. I hope so. I made up my mind to demonstrate to that old... What is it Leroy calls him? Uh, old Leroy. What, Uncle Lawrence? What was it I told you not to call Judge Hooker? Picklepuss. That's it. I made up my mind to show that old Picklepuss that a competent businessman could administer this estate properly. Why? Because you can't put anything over on me. Excuse me, Mr. Gilsley. Yes, Bertie? Where did you buy them bananas? Well, from a man in a truck. They were bargains, too. The store's won 30 cents a dozen, and he only charged me 25. Well, he done gypped you. There was only nine bananas. Yes. Yes. As I was saying, Marjorie, you can't put anything over on my type of businessman. We have a certain alertness. Oh, great Danes. What's wrong? Look at the time. We'll be late for court. Oh, but court stays open until five o'clock, Uncle Moore. Yes, but we can't just drop in whenever we want, my dear. It isn't a barbershop, you know. We have to be there when the judge is ready to take us. Oh, like a beauty parlor. Yes. You see, I don't want to arrive late and have trouble with old cucumber face. I've got to get back here and pack up my bag so I can take the night train. The night train? Yes. Oh, I forgot to tell you. I'm going back to Whistlow Vista this evening. Oh, Uncle Moore. I thought you were going to stay here and live with us. Well, I am. That's why I'm going back to Whistlow Vista. The cell or lease my house there. You are? Oh, that's wonderful. Oh, Leroy. Yeah, what's this? Uncle Moore is going to sell his house in Whistlow Vista and come back here and live with us. Oh, boy, gee, that's wonderful, Uncle Moore. Take it easy. Do you want me to make you a sale fine on my printing press? No, no, no. Thanks. Just the same. You haven't got that many shirts to spare. Oh, Ted, is it time to go? Yes, we should hurry down to the courthouse. Everybody ready? Leroy, Marjorie, Ted, Birdie? Birdie is not going to court with us, Uncle Moore. I know that. I just want a glass of water. That ham I had for breakfast. Water, Birdie? Yes, Mr. Gilles, please. Bring in it. Good. Anybody else want any water? No, thank you. Here you are, sir. You better hurry, Mr. Gilles, to say it. One second while I drink this. Thanks, Birdie. Now I'm ready to go. Oh, excuse me. I must have drunk too fast. Wait a minute, Ted. I think Uncle Moore has a hiccup. A hiccup? No, I'll be all right. Oh! Maybe you better do something about it. No, no, no. I'll be all right. Well, Uncle Moore, you better sit down and rest a minute. Well, what about court? You know, Judge... Sir? Sir, look, there are hill ways. Yes, I can have it put over until tomorrow. But I got to get back to Whistler, Mr. Ted. I couldn't do that. Or could I? Why not, Uncle? No, no, no. I'll be all right in a few minutes. Oh, isn't this silly? Don't try to talk, Uncle Moore. Just sit quietly for a few minutes and rest. Rest? All right. I'll rest. Yes, that seems a little better. Spoke too soon. Better button it up again. Yeah! Look, you're a hiccup. It never fails. It doesn't? Well, what is it? Drink a glass of water. Oh, but Marjoram, my dear, don't you remember? That's how I got him. Drinking water. No, but you didn't drink slowly. You've got to take nine swallows of water and not breathe in between. Not breathe? What am I? Fist? Now, Uncle Moore, just cured. Proud of me. Sure, you know a hare from the dog that bit you. Uh, Ted, this is hiccups, not hydropobia. Well, I'll get a glass of water. You better get a pitcher in case one glass four won't do it. What are you trying to do? Drown them? One more swallow and I'll fly back to Capistrano. Oh, help me out of this rocking chair. I'm getting seasick. Sure, Uncle, if you can keep on hiccuping for another two hours, you'll get your picture and strings and things. Yeah, I'll keep quiet. Mr. Gilda Sleep, I just remembered something that'll take care of those hiccups. You do, Ted? What is it? It's simply a matter of breath control. Say, Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers without taking a breath. Oh, I... Go on, try it, Uncle Moore. Well, all right. Peter Piper picked a... No, no, it's slower like this. Like this. Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers that way. Peter Piper picked a... picked a... picked a... Oh, more water, Birdie. There we have, Mr. Gilda Sleep. Thanks. Well, who's got the next suggestion? Step right up, don't be bashful. Gilda Sleep, the guinea pig. That's me. I wouldn't be bringing it up, Mr. Gilda Sleep, except I know it'll work positively. Now, if you hold a cold silver knife on the back of your neck, then hiccups will be gone with the wind. Well, all right, I'll try anything once. If you got a cold knife, Birdie. Yes, sir. I brought one right here with me, Mr. Gilda Sleep. Unbutton your collar, Uncle. There. Ooh, it sends the shivers up and down my spine. Where'd you get that knife, Birdie? I had it in the refrigerator. You never can tell when a nice, cold knife comes in handy. Hey, Uncle Mark! Little Mark, I was outside talking to my pal, Piggy Banks, and when he had to hiccups, I... Say, what's that knife doing in your back? Did they operate on you? Well, no, LeRoy. Birdie suggested cold silver against the back of my neck. Oh, that won't work. It will, too, you LeRoy. I've been watching your Uncle since he tried it, and it won't. Well, I, George, come to think of it, I have it. This is wonderful, Birdie. Thanks very much. It'll remind me to give you a dollar. Ted, let's get started for the courthouse. But Uncle Mark, a cold knife against the back of the neck cures nosebleeds, not hiccups. Why, is that right? Oh, I thought so, too. You mean to say it's not good for hiccups? Oh, jumping jelly beans. Ooh, they've come back again. Forget about that dollar, Birdie. Say, Uncle Mark, I know a sure cure I can't miss. No, LeRoy. It's my turn this time. I just remembered a remedy. But that isn't fair. I spoke up first. Say, whose hiccups are these? Yours or mine? Okay, go ahead. They're your hiccups. What's your remedy, Uncle Mark? Well, I'll take a cold shower. The shock should stop me. It sounds logical. Well, it won't hurt at any rate. We've got to do something so I won't keep speaking out of turn in court. I'll get the car out of the garage. I'll bet that shower doesn't work, Mark. Now, my idea is to scare Uncle Mark. What for? Well, that's an absolute positive cure for hiccups. How do you know? They cured Piggy Banks when he had them something terrible. How'd he get them? Drinking a whole bottle of pop at one go. Honest, his family tried everything. Then his kid brother put a string of firecrackers in his pocket and lit the fuse. That did the trick all right, all right. But didn't those firecrackers burn a big hole in his coat pocket? No, Piggy wasn't wearing a coat. See, if I could only think of something super to pull on for more, I'd better scare the hiccup right out of him. Now, you wait a minute, LeRoy. Don't you do anything drastic? For me? When did I ever do anything? Say, how's about it if I put ketchup on my head and stagger into his room and fall down on the floor? D-Roy's Forester now, don't you dare. Well, all right, let's see. What else would frighten those Donald hiccups? In the shower, Birdie must be using the hot water in the kitchen. Oh, this water is ice cold. Oh! Where's my clothes? No time for clothes. In my bathrobe, where'd I put it? Never mind, here's a big towel. All right, come on, LeRoy. Which way shall we go? No, no, no, Uncle Mort, go back. Why? Because you still got the hiccup. What's that got to do with the house being on fire? It isn't on fire. I was just trying to scare you. Scare me? What's a big idea? She only meant it for the best. I was just trying to frighten the hiccups away. If I ever ran out of the house like this, I'd frighten the neighbors away. I'm awful sorry, Uncle Mort. Say, you better get back in the shower. There's a big drip on the carpet. Who, me? You clear out of here now. As soon as I get dry, we're going down to the court. Hiccups or th- No hiccups. He must be waiting in the car. Good. I hope the judge doesn't mind. Okay, buddy, stick him up. Your money or your life. LeRoy, come out of that closet and put back that water pistol. Oh, that didn't work either. You can't frighten me, LeRoy. I'll go out and get in the car, young man. I told you, LeRoy. Just you wait. I'll figure out a scheme that'll make Uncle Mort forget all about those deeps ahead. Get in the car, everybody. Lovely day, isn't it? Too bad I can't appreciate it. Maybe being in the fresh air like this, my hiccups will... Oh, no, they won't. Oh, and the car is doing it, too. Boy, every time you hiccup, P.P., your foot goes down on the gas. You think so? Yes. You want to stop and let me drive? No, we haven't got time. I can't help it. I'm afraid they're getting worse. The idea of driving down the street like a jackrabbit and jumping the signal. Where's your driver's license? Well, it's like this, Officer. Oh, it's like that, is it? A hiccup. Yes, he got it drinking a glass of water. Water, huh? Well, that's original, anyway. He's been hiccuping for hours. Show the officer how you've been hiccuping, Uncle. See? Never mind. I've heard him before. Officer, we're in somewhat of a hurry. We're rushing down to the... I get it, to a doctor. Well, come on. What? Oh, of course. That's it. This is Dr. Officer. That's not Dilly-Dally. See? You got it bad. Follow me. I'll clear away for you. Thank you. Same thing happened to my sister's kid two months ago. You know how we cured her? Made her eat a quart of ice cream fast. Oh, yes. Well, I'll put that down on my list. Hurry, Uncle Morse. Shall we go with you? No, you two children stay here with Ted. Going up? Yes. Is there a doctor in the building who specializes in hiccups? I mean, a cure for hiccups? Well, you might try Dr. Simard on seven. Get him, please. You've got them bad, mister. Yes. I know something that will cure them in no time. You do? What is it? Eat a quart of ice cream fast. Yes. Seven blocks. There's Dr. Simard's waiting room. Four doors down. Thank you very much. Oh, this fuss over these silly hiccups. Well, at least I'll get rid of them for sure now. Dr. E. E. Simard. Throat, chest, and stomach. That should cover hiccups, I guess. Did you see the doctor? Oh, I just dropped in to catch up on my last year's reading. Well, you should do something about those hiccups. Now, a quart of ice cream eating fast. I know, it's a short cure. But I want some competent medical advice. Is the doctor busy? Not at the moment. Now, if you'll step in here and disrobe. I don't want to disrobe. I want to see the doctor. But if the doctor is going to examine you, you... He keeps his clothes on, doesn't he? Yes. Then I'll keep mine on, too. Where is he? Step in here. Doctor, this gentleman wishes to consult. Ted, Ted, Miss Wood, how many times have I told you that patients must disrobe? They've been all through that, doctor. There's no need for me to do that. You can see what's wrong with me. Open your mouth, please, and unbutton your vest. Thank you. You can close your mouth now. Well, it didn't take me long to diagnose this case. No? No. You're suffering from an intermittent, uncontrollable, diaphragmatic spasm causing a sudden inhalation which is interrupted by a spasmodic closure of the glottis. I am? Yes. Well, what does that mean, doctor? You hiccup. I know I hiccup. I can hear myself. How do I get rid of? Ah, no, don't get excited. I have a painless and invaluable cure. Oh, you have? What is it? Eat a quart of ice cream fast. That'll be $5, please. Oh! Judges' chambers are down at the end of the hall, TP. Oh, jumping jeeps. Look at the clock. This is a thump of a time to show up. No. I've eaten so much ice cream, I sound like a good humor man. Easy, Uncle Moore. You take it easy, young man. Don't say anything to the judge. Here we are. Ted, did you send the financial report down this morning? Keep quiet. Now, don't worry. That report went down early. It should make a wonderful impression. Well, come on, let's go. Yeah, might as well face Old Picklepuss. Careful, Leroy. Anything you say will be used against me. Come on. Hello, Judge Hooker. At last. I was ready to go home. What are you hiccuping for, Gildersleeve? For about four hours now. Uncle Mark's been suffering all day long, Judge. Yeah, maybe if you could frighten him. Quiet, Leroy. Quiet. Yes, Judge. I'd have been here sooner, except for that. Well, I'm glad you sent down your report, Mr. Gildersleeve. Gave me time to study it. I'm pleased with what I found. See, that's swell, Judge. I thought you could do a good job for these children. You did? Well, thank you, Judge Hooker. In that case, we can leave. Come on, Leroy. Come on, Marjorie. Come on, Ted. What's your rush, Gildersleeve? Take it easy. You're nothing but a bundle of nerves. I never knew nerves came with such large bundles. Very good. I wonder if it would be all right with five zaps and for my duties for a while, Judge. I have some business to wind up in Whistlow Vista. Sure, sure. Go right ahead. Take all the time you want. Only be back next week. Yes, I see. Well, thanks, Judge. Excuse it, please. Poor Uncle Mort. You can't travel in that condition. I bet Mr. Fowler at the drug store would have something to relieve you. Why don't us two go see him, Mort? And if he can't help, why not a couple of other guys that can? All right. If you'll excuse us, we'll run along. Certainly. Goodbye, then. Goodbye, goodbye. Do you drive Uncle Mort home? Oh, sure. Hey, Leroy. Well, Ted, let's get started. Oh, I can't stop. Hey, those hiccups must be annoying. They are, indeed they are. By the way, I know a sure cure for hiccups. What, you two? Oh, this one never fails. All you need is a brown paper bag. A brown paper bag? Well, that takes the prize. Shall I go out and get one, Judge? No, no. Here's a bag. Wait a minute. Wait till I dump the apples out. Apples? I teach a class at law school, and the boys always bring me apples. Now, let's try this remedy. Oh, no, don't bother, Judge. I think they're stopping now. Now, let's make sure. All you have to do is to breathe in and out of this bag. Understand? I understand what to do, but I don't understand why. Well, you will. Just put your face in the bag. Fine. You look better already. Now, go ahead and breathe. Oh. The principle is this. Normally, you exhale carbon dioxide and inhale oxygen. I see. But this way, you inhale the carbon dioxide. You've already exhaled. I see. Is that clear? No. Well, if you stop inhaling oxygen, you'll stop hiccuping. It's really very simple. So are you. You ought to be all right, but now, how are you feeling? Worse. Oh, my, and I almost had him licked. Strange. It's never failed before. Let me see. There's a hole in the bag. Oh, take me home, Ted. I'm going right to bed. Oh, stop that. There's a pillowcase. The ball is here while I'm here. Oh, true. Now, when we go out, if anyone asks, who we are, we're the laundry man. I got you, Rick. Shall we take this silver cup, too? Let me see. Yeah. I wore it to Throckmorton Peak, Gildersleeve, first place potato, race, annual picnic, Gildersleeve, Gettlewicks. Hey, I guess he was the whole way. What do you say? No, no, no. It's more trouble in its work. Oh, yeah. Too easily traced, huh? Hey, you sure there's no dough laying around? No, no. I looked every place, even behind the wallpaper. You think we should, Dad? Think we should take any more clothes lefty? No. I'm wearing three of this guy's suits already, one on top of the other. I'd hate to have to run from some copper this way. That's too bad. We didn't snag any dough. Well, let's get going. OK, you take the DJ. Say, look. Get away from that window. Hey, there's a big fat guy coming up to work. Quick, out the back way. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Is he alone? Yeah. Let's get out of here. No, no, no. Wait. I bet he's got a fat bankroll in his pocket. That's high behind his curtain. But where? Get snappy. But where? Boy, get him up. Oh, I see. You must be a friendly Roy. He puts you up to this, eh? What'll that boy think of next? I says for you to get them hands up and keep quiet, too. I'm sorry, mister, but it didn't work. I still got him. You see? I read. Oh, you brought a friend, eh? What's the matter with this guy? You know, I've got the hiccups. You see? Look, you look. This is a gun in my hand. Yep. And I've got a good notion to let you have it. No, thanks. I wouldn't know what to do with it if you did. Hey, Red, should I give a torn? No, I don't want yours either. You're asking for it, mister? I am not. I don't want any guns. I'm afraid of guns. Who sometimes are loaded. Shall I plug them, Red? Well, I don't think that'd cure me either, mister. Stand out of the way, Red. I'll show this model it. Well, very realistic. Blank, say. You missed. Move. I'll try again. Don't do that. You'll have a brick up in town here. Oh, gangbusters. What are you gonna do with a guy like that? I know, I know. Lefty, you stick your get in his ribs and I'll frisk him. Okay. Now hold still, will you? This time I can't miss. Now cut it out. Hold still. Sorry, I'm tickly. You stop it. Here, give me that gun. No, no, no. Well, you get away from there. Hurry up, Red. I can't, I can't. All right, all right. Let's take his pants off. What? Yeah. That way we get his roll and he can't follow us either. Okay. Oh, no, you don't. By George, that's carrying things too far. Fine friends Leroy has taken my... Keep your hands off of you, will you? Grab him, Red. Oh, look out for those flowers. I warned you. Now you see what... Oh! That's right, Lefty. Tom and a paw. Oh, you wanna fight, eh? Well, all right. Wait a minute, boys. Wait a minute. Stop. Stop. Oh, you give him, eh? Yes. You can quit now. My hiccups are all gone. More tupperware. Yeah? Grab his leg. Grab him. Get away from me, Red. Oh, Leroy should have never done this. That's right, Lefty. Sit on him. What is this? Wearing my new blue shirt suit. This is the last roll. I'm not gonna stand for you, Red. Get him off. Get him. No, no, no. Now look what you've done. You've clunked your little partner. I left him. Hey, Lefty. Speak to me. Yeah. Speak to him, Lefty. Hi, George. He's out cold. Give me that gun before you do any more damage. Oh, no, you don't. Ouch, my foot. Oh. A minute, I saw those tight shoes. I knew you had corns. Hey, mister. Mister, please. What? Please don't point that gun at me. You're just nuts and up to shoot me. That's a very good idea. A couple of blanks might teach you not to go on blanks. No, no, no. I don't want. I don't want. What's the big idea, leaving the front door open? Well, at last you're here, young man. Those two friends of yours are nothing but a couple of rough necks. What friends? Who are these guys? Come, come, Leroy. Stop pretending. It's all right. My hiccups have disappeared. Oh, sleeping on the floor. That's one of Leroy's friends, and he's not sleeping. Hey, don't try to sneak out, Red. Gee, I... Come back here, Red, and tell Leroy what you did to me. Well, Uncle, I never saw these men before in my life. Ah, Silver, we're doing an appeal case. Uncle Mort, these guys are burglars. They are? What? They weren't fooling? And to think that I... I've got the hiccups all over again. The great gilder sleeve will be with us again in a few minutes. But first, I want to say that being a mere man puts me at quite a disadvantage in talking to you housewives, especially you housewives who are really good cooks, because so many of you are probably already using delicious parquet margarine made by Kraft, and already know from your own experience that it's a grand-tasting, economical margarine that can be used in many ways. Yes, you know, for instance, that parquet margarine is really delicious for table use and good for your family, too. You know that parquet makes cookies, cakes, and pie crust taste better because it's a genuine flavor shortening that adds its own delicate taste to all baked foods. You know that parquet margarine seasons hot vegetables to a queen's taste, makes pan-fried foods taste better, too, and it doesn't spatter or stick to the pan. And don't overlook the fact that parquet margarine is a highly nutritious energy food and a year-round source of vitamin A. Yes, you housewives who use parquet know how good it is, but some of you listeners probably haven't tried parquet margarine yet. Well, if you haven't, try it. Yes, ask your dealer for a pound or two of parquet margarine tomorrow. Just say parquet, P-A-R-K-A-Y. It's made by Kraft. Your bag's all packed, Uncle Morse. Oh, thank you, Marjorie. Say, Aunt, how soon will you get back from Mousseful Vesta? Not until Wednesday. Oh, you'll be gone that long? Yes. I've got to put my house up for sale, and I also want to be on hand to greet my two little chums, Fibre McGee and Molly, when they return from their vacation Tuesday night. Say, maybe Fibre McGee and buy your house. No, no, no. From my past experience with Fibre McGee, he went on a trip to Mousseful Vesta in Toronto. From my past experience with Fibre McGee, he wouldn't buy the place. He'd just borrow it. Good night. Good night. The original music heard on this program was composed and conducted by William Randolph. This is Jim Vannon speaking for The Kraft Cheese Company and inviting you to be with us again next week at this same time for the further adventures of The Great Gilders League. This is the...