 The Jell-O program coming to you from Marchfield, California and brought to you by Jell-O and Jell-O Pudding starring Jack Denny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Dennis Day, Rochester, and yours truly Don Wilson. The orchestra opens a program with Wings of America written by Lieutenant Jesse Hicks of the Marchfield Post. America played by the orchestra. And now, ladies and gentlemen, in as much as our program today is coming to you from Marchfield, California, it is with great pleasure that I bring you that Eminent Authority on Aviation Flying Jack Denny. Thank you, thank you. Jell-O again, this is Jack Denny talking. Flap, flap. I'm flying, boys. And, Don, that was really a lovely introduction. I mean, calling me an Eminent Authority on Aviation. How'd you ever find out about that, Don? Why, don't you remember, Jack? Just before the broadcast, you told me to introduce you that way. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, yes, yes. But that's the truth, Don. It isn't commonly known, but years ago I was the first person to ever think of the airplane. Only it so happens that a couple of other fellows perfected it before I did. The, um, the Smith brothers, Orville and Wilbur, they, uh, they beat me to it. Oh, pardon me, Jack, but you must mean the Wright brothers. The who? Oh, oh, yes, yes, the Wright brothers. The Smith brothers perfected the crop drop before I did. Uh, everybody has the jump on me, isn't it? Well, that's very interesting. But tell me, Jack, whatever gave you the idea before a flying machine? For the airplane? Well, well, I was sitting on a fence one day when a flock of pigeons flew over my head and a fork struck me. Anyway, I said, if those things can fly, so can Benny. So I made a big, uh, a pair of big canvas wings, tied them onto my bicycle, and rolled right off the roof of my father's barn. And what happened? I lit on my head and I'd been a comedian ever since. For a few years, I was quite silly and then I became sophisticated. But that's what an inventor has to go through. Oh, hello, Mary. Hello, Jack. Hi, fellas. Some hand you got there, Mary. The boys here seem to know you. Why not? I met most of them at the plantation last night. The plantation? Oh, yes, that's that nightclub over at Riverside. How'd you happen to be there? I had a date with a cuter soldier. And you know, Jack, he was the most bashful fellow I ever met. What do you mean bashful? He said as soon as there was a blackout, he was going to kiss me. Well, Mary, as I look out over this sea of faces, I would say that you got the only non-wolf in the outfit. No. No kidding. Uh, you mean I can do better tonight? Definitely. And speaking of the plantation, Mary, I think I'll go down there some night and play my violin for the boys. That'll empty the place faster than an all-out alert. I don't know about that. Hey, Mary, you should have been here earlier. Jack was telling me how he almost invented the airplane years ago. Oh, he's full of baloney. I am, eh? Well, let me ask you something, sister. Why is it that when I was a kid in Warkegan, everybody called me Flying Jack. Flying Jack? Yes. That's because he used to shoot flies for a blacksmith. I did nothing of the kind. I wish I had a nickel for every horse that kicked you in the face. Oh, yeah? Well, you'd have about thirty-five cents, Marty. That's all. And incidentally, those kicks didn't hurt my career as a comedian either. You know, it's amazing how close I... Well, look who's here if it isn't Pianateed. Hiya, Jackson. Here I am, fellas. Make care as happy. Say, Phil, why is it that every time we broadcast from a new place, you always make your entrance by asking for applause? Why don't you let the audience decide whether they want to give you a hand or not? I tried that once, Jackson, and there was a lull that was a lulu. Anyway, look, Jackson, I didn't ask for applause. I just said make Harris happy. They could have thrown money at me or anything. I don't care. And another thing, what's the idea of calling me Pianateed? Are you jealous because my ivories are real? Let me tell you something, Phil. Your teeth may be the McCoy, but that smile of yours must work from a button somewhere. That can't be on the level. A button? You mean what I leave the band with? That's a baton. You're a fine musician. Say, Jack, can I read my poem now? Well, sure. What poem? The one I wrote about Marsfield. Mary, we can do it out those livings in Epic tonight. Give these boys a break. I'll let her read it, Jack. Mary's poem's always so clever. She can do it now, Don. Phil's orchestra has to play a number. Although I wish we had a better choice. I really do. Now, wait a minute, Jack, are you trying to be facetious? What? I beg your pardon? I said, are you trying to be facetious? What's the matter? Didn't I pronounce it right? I don't know what to say now. I can't understand. Where did you ever get a hold of a word like facetious? Well, I got one of them websters under the bridge dictionary. Under the bridge? Phil, nobody could make that mistake but you and my writer. That word is unabridged. Anyway, Phil, let's have your band number. This is war and we can take it. Well, go ahead. Oh, all right, Jack, but look, I meant to tell you. The boys got here so late that we didn't have a chance to rehearse. Oh, do you think it'll make any difference? Are you kidding? Oh, go ahead, Phil. Let's come in. Mr. Benny? Yes? On behalf of the officers and men of Marchfield, I'd like to present you with this lovely 100-pound bomb. A bomb? Well, thanks, but gee whiz, isn't it liable to go off? Yes, I'll see you around. The load of his head, fellas, what a runway it would make. Play, Phil. Hey, Phil, you can tell your bass fiddle player to stop. The number's over. Oh, yes, stop beating it up, Fletcher. I knew we should have rehearsed. Thanks, Phil. That was tonight we love played by Phil Harris. I got a good find to fire that guy. What for? He made a little mistake. That's all. He probably started late, so he finished late. Well, he ain't going to get paid overtime. I forget it. That was tonight we love played by Phil Harris. That burns me up, and it's a blot on my record as a great conductor. Phil, Phil, forget it, will you? Forget it, would Leopold forget it? Would Stakowski forget it? That's Leopold Stakowski. He's one man. Hi, goodness. Well, holy smoke, how can one man lead such a big orchestra? He works on a bicycle and shut up. That was tonight we love played by Phil Harris. Oh, the heck with it. Uh, St. Jack, uh, can I read my poem now? Mary, never mind the poem. Dorothy and Edie are listening, and tear it up, will you? You let me read it, or I'll tell all these voices. You still owe eight dollars on your toupee. Now, just a minute, young lady. In the first place, I don't wear a toupee. The second place it's paid for. Then take the tag off. Now, it's not a price tag. That little ticket says this side up. I can go along with a gag. Sister. And I can go along with a gag, too. My dear lady, why don't you tell your husband to put on his toupee and go down to your neighborhood grocer for a package of jello? Hmm. It's not only easy to make, but economical as well. So you will find that it is not hard to pay for. Oh, for heaven's sake. And remember, folks, jello has that new locked-in flavor. The flavor doesn't go away. I know you put it in, and it's there to pay. I know. Don, you're a whiz. I give you an inch, and you make a commercial out of it. Hello, Mr. Benny. Sorry I'm late. Oh, hello, Dennis. Take a bow. Where have you been, kid? What delayed you? Oh, I've been having lots of fun. You know, Mr. Benny, I walked all around the field. You did? Yeah, I was in the hangars and up in the buildings and inside the planes and all over the place. Well. Do you think I'll ever get my camera back? I doubt it. Don't you know, Dennis, you're not supposed to take pictures at any military encampment. Who was taking pictures? The camera wasn't loaded. Well, then what's the idea of carrying an empty camera around? My lunch was in it. Oh. The United States government owes me one hard-boiled egg and two ham sandwiches. All right, all right. I'll take it up with the colonel. I'm having lunch with him tomorrow. A lot of good that'll do me. I'm going to be shot at sunrise. You're not going to be shot at all. I never saw anyone with such an imagination. Oh, Peter, but that's your kid. He's just being facetious. Don't forget about that word. Say, Dennis. Dennis, when you go to get shot in the morning, take Phil with you. Please. I'd love to, but I don't know if I can bring a friend. Gentlemen. I salute you all, Mark Field, and I really thank you as well. Mary, I warned you. Well, I'm going to read my poem. Then started right. What's the title of it? The title? Yes. Not January Field, not February Field, but Mark Field. The trouble with that title, Mary, is it tipped off the fact that the poem is going to be putrid. What go ahead with it? I'm going out for a glass of water. Come back here, you cowards. OK, let's get it over with. Go ahead, Mary. I salute you all, Mark Field, and I really thank you as well. If the gas they get too close, you will blast them all to pieces. Nice, uh, nice rhyming. You want me to rhyme it? No. Uh, continue. I think the boys here are so cute. Private Major Colonel Luke. I love to dance with all the soldiers. They don't keep time, but how they hold you. Well, of course, I wouldn't know. For free. Uh, here you are, near the town of Sanford, in the state of Iron Falcon. And your hangers full of, uh-uh, don't ask me, because I'm not squawking. Well, what's that for? Why all the mystery? Uh, military secrets, Daddy, wake up. Oh, oh, oh, yes, continue. Your boys get leaves to go to town to have some fun and clown around. They jump in their cars and fill up with gas. But what can you do on a six-hour pass? You ought to stop, Mary, after that big laugh. How about doing your song now, Dennis? OK. Oh, wait a minute, I'm not through yet. Oh. A last verse coming up. Go ahead. Uh, before I close this lovely poem, I have a word for those at home. And keep on crying, because the barn you buyin' will keep on flyin' the end. Oh, that's very good. That was all right, Mary. You had a nice finish. That poem turned out better than I thought it would. Well, OK, Dennis, what's your song going to be? I'm gonna sing, we did it before, and we can do it again, assisted by the March Field Success. The March Field Success? Dennis, there are eight soldiers in back of you. Two of them are guarding me till I get shot. Oh. Well, I guess a guy that carries a hard-boiled egg in a camera has a coming to him. Go ahead, thinkin'. Wait a minute. Come in. Mr. Benny? Yes? On behalf of St. Peter, I want to welcome you to the Furley Gate. Furley Gate? Didn't that bomb go off yet? Get out of here! I wish that character would stop following me all over the country. December 7, 1941 A land of freedom was before December 8, 1941 Uncle Frank, we've got a heck of a job to do, but you can bet that we'll be through. We did it before, and we can do it again, and we will do it again. We're one for all, and we're all for one. They'll get a little before we're done. Billions of voices are ringing, singing as we march them over, and then we'll get the guy in back, so then we did it before. We did it again, we know we're right, and we also know the gangsterism has got to go. We did it before, and we can do it again, and we will do it again. We're one for all, and we're all for one. They'll get a little before we're done. We did it before, and we'll get a little before we're done. As we did it before, from Eddie Cantor's Broadway show, I sung by Dennis A. and the Mark Field Octet. And very good, fellas. Say, Dennis, where did you meet these eight soldiers? Well, I've got a girl in Riverside, and last night I took her to the plantation. So? What happened to my girl, fellas? Well, that's rich, so these boys took your girl away. Hey, Dennis, is she pretty? No, she's a mess. Every girl you go out with is a mess. Why don't you go out with a pretty girl once in a while? Well, if I can't hang on to a clock, what chance have I got with a good-looking gal? Well, that makes sense, I guess. But personally, I can't keep company with a girl unless she's really gorgeous. Oh, yeah? Yeah. I have yet to see you out with a dame that didn't sag somewhere. That's so. I've been out with some pretty hot-looking babies. Haven't I, Phil? Lay off, Jackson. I'm a married man. Well, for Pete's sake, you can talk about pretty girls, can't you? Nope, no talking and no looking. No looking? Not even on a windy day? On windy days? I'm not allowed out of the house. Well, that may be okay with you, but I'd like to see the woman that could dominate me. And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mary, stop looking at me that way. And now, ladies and gentlemen, we have a surprise for you. As our guest tonight, we have one of the boys stationed here at Mark Field, the biggest soldier in the United States Army, a fellow who makes John Wilson look like a midget, half sergeant August Sackwell. Step right up, Sergeant. What a physique. You ought to see him, folks. He looks like boulder damn in a khaki uniform. Tell me, Sergeant, how much do you weigh? 407 pounds. That's counting large. 407 pounds. Well, Sergeant, I want you to meet a fellow we used to think was pretty hefty until you came along. John Wilson, our announcer. How do you do, Sergeant? Hi, skinny. You didn't know you were going to get those kind of laughs, did you? Now, look, if you don't mind, Sarge, I'd like to ask you a few questions. To begin with... A little woman hadn't put me on a diet. I'd make this guy look like a toothpaste. John, please, don't be so jealous. Now, Sergeant, I'm sure our listeners would like to know something about your history. To begin with... I hadn't cut out potatoes. I could look like boulder damn true. John, stop mumbling. Now, Sergeant Sackwell, you say you weigh 407, is that correct? Yes, sir. I see. And how much did you weigh when you were born? 150 pounds. That's 15 pounds, Sergeant. He looks like Wilson and he reads like Phil Harris. Now, of course, Sergeant, being so large must present certain problems. For instance, you don't sleep on a regular army car, do you? No, I use a king size. Good, good. That's all right. Now, Sergeant... I'll bump stomachs with him any day. Wilson, calm down. My goodness. Well, Sergeant... I want to... I want to thank you for coming up here and saying hello. Thank you, Mr. Benny. No hard feelings, John. No, no, not at all. That's all I feel about it. Come on, Frank. Well, he's an awfully nice fellow. And, John, I don't know what's the matter with you today. Andy Devine is much fatter than you are and you've never been jealous of him. Oh, he wears pads under his clothes. Get wise, will you? Andy Devine wears pads? I can't believe it. Say, Jackson, did you hear Andy on Fred Allen's program last Wednesday? The guy was terrific. No, I missed Allen's program last week and I'm just sick about it. Of course, I'm not as sick as if I'd listened in. Now, how was the show? It was darn good and Andy sure spilled the beans about you. What do you mean? Well, Andy said you never let the actors get together in your program because you're afraid they'll organize and strike for back salary. That's the silliest remark I ever heard. What did Allen say? He seemed to think it was quite suspicious. I know. Shut up. And before we go any further, I'd like to clear this thing right now. If there's anybody in this cast that I owe back salary to, I wish he'd raise his hand. Come on. There, you see? Nobody raised their hand. I got mine up, Mr. Bennet. Okay, Dennis, but come right back. There are these rumors that Allen started about me. But, Mr. Bennet... Never mind. Put your arms down or I'll yank it down. Now, let me tell you something about Allen. I remember once in Toledo... I'll take it. Hello? Hello, Mr. Bennet. It's Rochester. Hello, Rochester. What do you want? I got bad news for you, boss. You'll have to take the Greyhound back to town. Why? Well, here's what happened. I filled up the gas tank this morning and started out from Beverly Hills like you told me to. Am I max low? Well, it was a beautiful day. The sun keeping over the snowcast mountain gave one the feeling that all was for me. Rochester, forget the mountains. What happened to my car? Well, I was driving through Ontario and a big truck ahead of me full of oranges suddenly shot. And what happened? Marmalade. Rochester, I see no excuse for you smashing into a truck. What do you think the emergency brake is for? It ain't for stopping. We found that out. Well, tell me about the car. Is it damaged much? No, it worked out fine. The fender's asleep now. Well, good. Good. But the right front tire... Well, I guess there's nothing else to do but go out and buy a new tire. I beg your pardon. I said go out and buy a new tire. A new tire? Yes. Just a second, I'll put Superman on the phone. Oh, that's right. It is pretty hard to get tires now. I'll tell you what, use the spare. We ain't got no spare. What do you mean? I cut it up last week when you needed rubber heels for your brown shoes. Well, look, Rochester, I'll ride back to town with Mr. Harris and the boys in their bus. Meanwhile, you stay with the Maxwell. For the duration? You can have that tire fixed. Now hang up. This is long distance. Okay. Oh, say, boy, it looks like the only $10 on that bet we made. Yes, yes. I know Buddy Bear lost. But I can't understand how Lewis knocked him out from the very first round. Well, you see, Joe's in the army now and he had to get back to camp before camp. That explains it. So long, Rochester. Goodbye. Gee, I've... Gee, I've got to get a tire. I wonder how that rubber tree in my greenhouse is coming along. Playfield. Tomorrow night for dessert, surprise the family with a grand dessert, Jack Benny's jelly fruit medley and one of Jack's own special favorites. It's a delightful dessert, a real treat to the taste, and yet so quick and easy to make. Simply dissolve one package of jello imitation strawberry flavor in one pint of hot fruit juice and water. Next, chill until slightly thickened and fold in one can of fruit salad, cut into small pieces. Chill until firm. And then, serve with a garnishing of spicy mint leaves and bright red cherries. What a beautiful-looking dessert it is. A rich, colorful combination of delicious canned fruit salad and rosy pink strawberry jello. Many courses are featuring these items, both of them, all next week. So, get them both tomorrow. And remember, desserts made with jello taste really well because jello's locked-in process protects the flavor for your enjoyment. We're a little late, so good night folks. The barbed-ass is presented for the entertainment and personnel of March Field and does not constitute a commercial product engulfed by the War Department.