 the one way to gain respect from the narcissist. When you first met the narcissist, they displayed an illusion of respect for you. They seemed to admire your abilities, qualities or achievements. They seemed to be really interested in you. They gave you lots of attention. You may have been fooled into believing that this person really respected you. You may have been fooled into believing that this person really had your best interest in mind, but they didn't have any regard for your feelings, wishes or rights. They didn't have any consideration for you. And this became more evident as the relationship continued when they began to devalue you and they no longer appreciated you because now they had become used to having you around. They took you for granted. They believed that you would always be there and that's why it was so easy for them to treat you in the way that they did. Because they believed that you would always stick around. They believed that they would always get what they want from you, regardless of how they treated you by staying with someone who mistreated you. You were disrespecting yourself. You lacked consideration for your own feelings, wishes or rights. It's so easy to blame these narcissists for how they treat us. And while they are responsible for their actions, we are also responsible for staying in these relationships, for staying around someone who disrespects us. It's a hard pill to swallow, but we have to accept that we could have done things differently. We could have left at the first sign of disrespect, but we didn't. We chose to give them a chance of the chance, hoping that they would change while their behavior just got worse and worse until we were trapped in a prison of our own making. Because we made the decision to stay there, if we had made the choice to leave at the first sign of disrespect, it wouldn't have escalated because that's when these narcissists learn what they can and can't get away with. These narcissists love to test the waters with you. They will say or do certain things in the beginning, where they may gradually step over your boundaries, just to see how you react to it, just to see if they can get away with it because that then tells them what you will put up with. That tells them how much you will take. They will test the waters with you gradually over a long period of time. It's like the tale of the boiling frog. You don't notice that the heat is gradually increasing until it's too late. It's like one day you wake up and you can't believe everything they did to you, but worst of all, you can't believe that you tolerated it. It's because they did it gradually. It's because they did it over a long period of time. They tested the waters with you and gradually pushed past your boundaries. Without you even noticing, they targeted your self-worth and self-esteem for a reason because that then made you believe that you were deserving of ill treatment. It made you believe that you didn't deserve any better. When you get around these narcissists, they know how to keep you down in a place where you think that's all you deserve. They know how to make you doubt your own abilities, qualities, and achievements to the point where you don't even believe that you deserve respect, but you do. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to be respected. And while the narcissist may not have been capable of giving that to you, you can give it to yourself. Love yourself. Respect yourself. Your love and respect for yourself is your greatest defense against the narcissist. When the narcissist tries to disrespect you, it's based on an act of agreement. You have to agree with whatever they're saying or doing. You have to accept it and believe it to be true. But if you choose to stay fixed in your frame of reality, they're forced to agree with you, whoever holds the strongest belief or opinion. It's always right. And if you believe that you deserve to be loved or respected, and there's nothing that they can do to sway you, then they're forced to agree with you. They're forced to have some level of respect for you to get a narcissist to respect your feelings, wishes, and rights. You must respect that first. You must realize that you are deserving of love and respect by giving it to yourself. But once you really learn to love and respect yourself, you won't have any desire to be around these narcissists. And they won't have much interest in being around you. Narcissists are shame-based individuals. And they can only feed off other people who have a shame wound. Other people who doubt their abilities, qualities, or achievements. But when you know you're worth, they can't get you anymore. You won't have any desire in being around them because you no longer require their validation. When you have learned how to validate yourself, you will feel no reason to be around these narcissists. The only thing left to do is to walk away and live your own life. And that is when they will be forced to feel more respect for you than ever before. When you realize that you deserve so much more. Thank you for watching. I hope this video ends it with you. Please like, comment, share, and subscribe. Click the bell icon to receive notifications for my future videos. Check out the new NarcSviver website at www.narcsurvivor.co.uk where you can read my blog posts, book coaching sessions, and join our support forum. If you would like to donate, my PayPal link is in the video description. Coaching inquiries, you can email me at coaching.narcsurvivor.co.uk. Thank you for watching and I'll talk to you soon.