 This is definitely going to be the most vulnerable video I have probably ever posted on the internet. I've opened up about my mental health struggles in the past but I don't think I've ever really shown the reality of it and the effects of it and things that are embarrassing, but this is the reality. This is what depression looks like for a lot of people and I know a lot of people experience this and can relate and I myself know that there's so much fluff online. People just want to make their lives seem perfect. They only want to show the aesthetic things, romanticizing their life, which is all great and I love that kind of content but when your life doesn't look that way, it feels bad and you feel like there's something wrong with you. I don't know. Hopefully this will make you feel like you're not alone and make you feel like if your home sometimes looks the way mine does right now, but that is normal. My mental health has actually been really good. I can't even remember the last time I had a depressive episode, honestly, but I don't know. There's something about this time of year, like right after the holidays and New Year's, that I just take a sharp decline. So it's been about two full weeks and I can feel that I'm finally at that point where I'm like, okay, I am sick and tired of this. I need to pull myself out of it and get my shit together. So I thought I would document this process and hopefully someone can relate. So this is the reality. My apartment is a mess. I'm also gonna be moving out of this apartment in the next two weeks. So I think knowing that I'm gonna pack everything up soon anyway has been making me not really feel motivated to like clean and organize because I've just been putting it off until I get closer to my moving date, but I just can't keep living like this. I can't do this for another two more weeks. It's currently Monday night. I have not showered since Friday night and I haven't washed my hair in probably over a week, just about a week. It feels gross. I feel gross. Today, I was just home. Didn't really do anything and I didn't wash my face. I didn't even brush my teeth, but the reality is what I'm going through a depressive episode like this. I don't really have energy. I don't have motivation to do anything. Even simple things like get in the shower for whatever reason that feels like such a big task. And if you've never dealt with depression before, this probably sounds really weird and you might be thinking like, wow, you're disgusting. Like what is wrong with you? Stop being so lazy. But if you know, you know. And I feel like these last couple of weeks every night before I go to bed, I tell myself, okay, tomorrow is gonna be the day that I pull it together. I'm gonna clean. I'm gonna get a bunch of stuff done. I'm gonna have a really productive day, and then the morning comes and I just feel worthless. I just don't have the energy and I've been having a really hard time getting up early. So I sleep in and then by the time I get up and I start my day, it already feels like the whole morning is gone and then I feel like, well, what's the point? So we're gonna start with hygiene. I'm gonna shower, finally wash my hair, wash my face, brush my teeth, shave my legs. So let me do that and then we will continue. I'm going to tweeze my face a little bit. I have this pimple that is healing. It's almost gone, but I've been using this Pixi Zero Zit Spot Solution to help shrink it and make it heal faster. This is definitely a result of me not being on top of my skincare routine for the last couple of weeks, but I find that this stuff actually works really well. And I'm gonna do my Grande Lash Lash Serum and Nivea Cream. If you already watch me on the regular, you already know. I like to put a thick layer of this stuff. I'm gonna avoid that pimple though and I just let it absorb for like the next hour or so and then any excess that is left on my skin, I'll just rub in. But that's all I've been doing for the last like year plus. And when I stay on top of my skincare, my skin normally looks really good and it's just so much more simple. I used to do like a whole bunch of serums and oils and creams and yada yada and now this is literally all I do and it has saved me so much time and money. And I feel like my skin this past year has been the best it's probably ever been in my life. Then for my body care, I'm gonna put this Palmer's Cocoa Butter all over my body and then I'm gonna top it off with the Palmer's Cocoa Butter Body Oil. Since it's winter right now and you know it's colder, drier, my skin could definitely use the extra moisture, especially because like I said, I haven't really been good about my normal routine. I'm gonna put on this super soft, comfy pajama set from Victoria's Secret. I already feel better and putting on like actual pajamas makes me feel a little bit more put together because when I'm really going through a depressive episode, I will just wear the same gross dirty sweat pants and like baggy t-shirt every night. So funny enough, I actually did wash my bed sheets a couple days ago but I didn't have the energy to make my bed with the clean sheets. So I've just been sleeping on top of this through blanket on the bare mattress. So since it's already so late and first of all I'm starting to feel tired but I also want to make sure that I stick to like a good normal sleeping cycle and I would like to get up early in the morning so I'm not going to start tackling any of the cleaning tonight but I'm hoping by like doing this self-care and having a good nighttime routine hopefully that will kind of help reset for tomorrow. I am going to make some sleepy time tea. I usually never wear makeup on the days when I'm just working from home but I do find that the days that I have my makeup done, even if it's just a little bit, makes me feel a lot more put together and I find that I'm more productive those days. It's crazy what a little bit of concealer, blush, mascara, and brow gel can do. I got changed into some real clothes, nothing exciting just some leggings and a sweatshirt and I'm gonna pull my hair out of my face and we're gonna start cleaning. I'm gonna put on a true crime podcast first though because that just helped me zone out while I'm cleaning. Years later it is now almost 5 30. I currently have my third load of laundry in the washing machine and I have just spent the entire day going back and forth cleaning, doing work, cleaning, doing work but now I am about to go down to my apartment gym. I'm just gonna walk on the treadmill while I watch some YouTube videos just so I can get some steps in. That is one thing that always helps and makes me feel a little bit better is exercise even though I might not always feel like doing it but after I do it I always feel really good and no pressure. I'm just gonna walk for as long as I want to, maybe an hour, maybe just 30 minutes. We'll see. We're ending the video where we begin. I am feeling a lot better already. I'm at that point where I know I'm just gonna kind of gradually start feeling better and more like myself over the next few days but having a clean space now and physically feeling clean, taking care of my body from the inside out, these last 24 hours has made a huge difference. I'm feeling really good right now so even though it's a little bit embarrassing putting these vulnerabilities out there on the internet, I'm glad that I did this video because this is just real life stuff and I really hope that this was motivating and relatable for at least someone out there. Just know if you go through these slumps sometimes as well, you're not alone. Not every influencer lives this beautiful perfect aesthetic life behind the scenes. Anyway, that is gonna be it for this video. Thank you so much for watching. Thank you for being here with me while I kind of got my life in order. If you aren't already subscribed to my channel, it would really mean a lot if you would consider subscribing and I will see you guys really soon in my next one. Bye.