 The Jack Benny program transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike. Lucky, taste better. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco cleaner, fresher, smoother. Better get a cotton, better get a cotton, better get a cotton today. Hello friends, this is Don Wilson. You know that college cheer represents a lot of smoking cheer in campuses all over the country? Yes indeed. Because a nationwide survey based on actual student interviews in 80 leading colleges reveals that more smokers in these colleges prefer luckies than any other cigarette. But that's not all. The survey also shows luckies gained far more smokers than the nation's two other principal brands combined. More important still, the reason most often given by the students for smoking luckies was Lucky's better taste. Yes, luckies do taste better because LS, MFT, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco, fine, mild, good tasting tobacco. And luckies are made better, made round and firm and fully packed to taste cleaner, fresher, smoother. So make your next carton Lucky Strike and you'll agree Lucky's better taste is something to cheer about. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco, cleaner, fresher, smoother. Better get a carton, better get a carton, better get a carton today. The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Barry Livingston Rochester, Dennis Day, Bob Crosby and yours truly, Don Wilson. Ladies and gentlemen, once every two weeks Jack Benny and Rochester make out a shopping list of household needs. As we look in on them today, they're preparing this week's list. Hey boss, the shelves are kind of empty. We need some baked beans. Baked beans, three cans. Some peas? Not so fast Rochester, I'm writing it down. Teas, two cans. Some mayonnaise. Oh Rochester, why buy mayonnaise? All it is is eggs, salad oil and vinegar mixed up. Oh yeah, I can make that. Well, we need some corned beef hang. You don't have to buy that either. All it is is potatoes, corned beef and onions. Yeah, I can make that too. Now let's see, we need some eggs. Eggs? Well Rochester. Oh boss, I'm not even going to try. I didn't mean that. I meant you can get the eggs from the milkman. Now let's get on with the list. Some bird seed for Polly. Bird seed? By the way, where is that parrot? I don't know, she climbed down from her purse this morning and disappeared. Well I hope you have all the windows and doors locked. She's been trying to run away from home ever since I bawled her out last week. Well boss, I think you yelled at her a little too much. Well she deserved it. If I told her once, I told her a hundred times, I get the morning paper first. Silly bird. Now come on, let's finish this list. Okay, a bottle of cooking cherry. A bottle of, wait a minute Ryan, we just bought some wine last week. It's all gone boss. I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You've been using too much in the cooking lately. Why? Well last night you made some clam chowder with cherry, didn't you? Uh huh, what about it? Well I bit into a clam and it bit me back. Now don't use it in everything from now on. Yes sir. Well while I'm down at the market, shall I get anything at the butchers? Well... I think the only meat we have left is a chicken. Well let's not think, let's be sure. I'll look in the refrigerator and see. Rochester, look Polly's in the refrigerator. Come on out Polly, come on. Polly, stop crying. Polly, control yourself. It's only a chicken, you didn't even know her. How's Polly ever getting the refrigerator anyway? I don't know boss, she must have jumped in when I had it open. I think she's catching cold. Fix her an alka cell sir Rochester. Don't worry so much boss, Polly will be alright. I don't know. She's getting kind of old you know, even for a parrot. How old is he? Well when I bought her the pet shop gave me her pedigree. The paper said she was born in Algiers in 1894. 1894? Yeah that makes her 58 years old. I'm 39, 39. No, no Polly it says right here on your pedigree paper, you're 58. 39, 39. No Polly, Polly you're all mixed up, I'm 39. 58, 58. Rochester put her back on her perch. Yes sir. I'll answer the door, you finish the list. Okay. Ouch, it's the second time I hit my head against that chandelier. I better take some money out of my shoes. Yeah I'm lucky my... Coming, coming. Hello Mr. Benny. Oh hello Dennis, come on in. Mr. Benny can I miss the rehearsal tomorrow? Oh sure. Can I miss Saturday's rehearsal too? Saturday? Well I guess so. Can I miss the show on Sunday? Miss the show, why? I'm gonna kill myself. Oh stop being silly. I'm not being silly, I already made out my will. Look Dennis... I'm leaving my brain to Hollywood High School. I was gonna leave it to Harvard but they turned it down. If you're not going to commit suicide. If I don't the gamblers are going to take me for a ride. A ride? Yeah I lost a 50 cents on the World Series and I didn't pay off. Look Dennis, nobody's going to kill you for only 50 cents. A lot of people say they'll do it for nothing. Dennis, Dennis, I'm tired of this silly talk. Now stop worrying and let me hear the song you're going to do on the show. What is it? Oh Vita's aint, that means goodbye forever. It does not! Now sing it and don't drive me crazy. That's very good. Now when you sing that number on the show, I want you to be sure that there's someone at the door. Don't answer it, don't answer it, they're coming after me. Oh be quiet. Nobody's coming after you. Come in. Hello Jack. Hi Jack. Oh hello Don, Bob, I didn't expect you. Come on in. Say Jack, Bob and I are going out to play some golf. We thought maybe you'd like to join us. Gee I'd love to but I can't leave the house. I'm expecting a call about a very important picture deal. Who from? Daryl Zanik. Daryl Zanik, the head of 20th Century Fox. Uh huh. So didn't you make a picture at that studio? That's right Bob, I made a picture for Zanik in 1941. Gosh that's only 11 years, he got over it fast. Then it's quiet for heaven's sake. Jack, what's this deal with Zanik you were talking about? Well they're making so many pictures based on the lives of entertainers that I thought my biography would make a good movie. So I wrote it up and sent it to Mr. Zanik. You know Jack, that should make a wonderful story. You've led such an interesting life. More film, movies, radio, stage, television. Bob's right Jack, you intend to play the leading role yourself? No, no, that would be too hammy you know. We're going to get an actor who's a lot like me in personality, age, habits and physique. Who are you getting? Errol Flynn. And fellas, it's really going to be a... Gee I hate to admit it but I need one. You need what? A hearing aid, I thought you said Errol Flynn. Well come on Don, let's go play golf. Say Bob, Bob you play a lot of golf don't you? Yeah and last week I got the greatest thrill in the whole world. I made a hole in one. No kidding. On the third hole at Bel Air, guys I couldn't wait to get back to the clubhouse and buy drinks for everybody there. Oh yes, yes that's the tradition. When you make a hole in one, you're supposed to buy drinks for everybody. Have you ever made a hole in one? Yes, yes about two years ago at Hillcrest. Yeah it's wonderful. Anybody see you do it? Rochester but I gave him a dollar and he kept his mouth shut. It was worth it. You know Jack I'm sure glad that I came on your show. You are Bob White. Well I won't make much money but man what an education. What? Come on Don let's go. Okay so long Jack. Goodbye fellas. I wonder what he meant by... Oh boss, boss. Yes Rochester. Mr. Ronald Coleman just called and they're having a big dinner party tonight. Ronald Coleman? Oh did they invite me? No he asked us to return their garbage disposal. Oh my good. Do we still have their garbage disposal? Uh huh. You know it was kind of tough barring that wasn't it? Yeah I had to go to plumbing school for two months. Well let's try... Save. Maybe that's the phone call I'm waiting for. Hello. Jack Benny speaking. Hello Jack. This is Daryl Zanuck. I've been waiting for your call Mr. Zanuck. Look Jack I'm a busy man. You sent your script over last week. Bothered my secretary with dozens of phone calls. I promised to read it and I did. You did Mr. Zanuck? What did you think of it? Well Jack that is without a doubt the most awful thing I've read in all my 39 years. Mr. Zanuck are you 39? When you're the head of a big studio who's going to argue with you? Oh well Mr. Zanuck getting back to my biography I think it would be a tremendous success at the box office. I'm afraid you're wrong Jack. A biographical picture is much better after the person has passed on. But I'm in the prime of life. I'll be here a long time. We can wait. But I can't wait I want to make the picture now. Jack let's face it I vowed never to have any more business dealings with you since you made the horn blows at midnight. But what's that got to do with you I made that for Warner Brothers. That picture hurt every studio. What? I can't wait till it gets on television. But Mr. Zanuck I don't want to appear in the picture I just think my biography would make a great musical. Look at the novel opening when I'm being born in Waukegan. What other picture ever had a musical scene in a maternity hospital? I think it's corny. What? Imagine having the doctor sing feed up pat him on the popo. But Mr. Zanuck what about when I play my violin? Look Jack I don't want any more people from your program working in our studio. We've got Dennis Day over here and he drives me nuts. Well if I worked over there too I could keep an eye on Dennis. Jack I can't discuss this any longer I'm sending your script back and that's final. But Mr. Zanuck thinks he's a big shot because he runs a studio. He can be wrong too you know. I think my life story would make a great picture especially the scene where Did you call me boss? No no Rochester I was talking to myself. What's the matter are you upset about something? Yeah I sent my autobiography to Darrell Zanuck and he turned it down. Can't understand it. Well the story of my life would be very interesting. I think so too. The matter of fact I think it would be one of the most exciting pictures that ever hit the screen. You're right. I was going to get Errol Flynn to play Jack Benning. Oh boss calm down. Well I was. Anyway Rochester I'm going to lie down here on the couch for a while I don't want to be disturbed. I'm going to take my afternoon nap. Would you like something to eat first? No no no I'm not hungry. Cover me up with that blanket there would you Rochester? Yes sir. Thanks. You help him. I'll go out and shut the door. Okay. Imagine Zanuck saying that story is no good. If I were the head of a studio I'd make that into a picture and show him how wrong he is. I had a chance to buy RKO a couple of weeks ago. Can't understand why Howard Hughes turned down my offer. After all he doesn't need money and he has to have his laundry done somewhere. I'd offer them the money. I'd like to be the head of the biggest studio. Jack Benning executive producer. With my own biography. My own studio. My own studio. Good evening ladies and gentlemen this is George Fisher your CBS motion picture editor speaking to you from Hollywood. The snows of Kilimanjaro which is breaking all records at the Reveley Theater in New York is scheduled to open in the Los Angeles area next Thursday. Well here's a flash just handed to me. Howard Hughes sold RKO pictures today to Jack Benning. The purchase price was eight million dollars. Mr. Benning paid in cash. Now he won't bump his head on that chandelier anymore. Mr. Benning's first official ax was to appoint Robert Crosby as his assistant. They have started production on a new musical based on the life of Jack Benning. J.B. J.B. Yes R.C. You certainly have a busy day today J.B. I know really my schedule R.C. Well a tenor story conference with N.K. 10 30 meeting with L.B. 11 you look at the rushes with H.C. 11 30 you go to the cutting room with T.M. And at 12 you have lunch with Jack Warner. Who J.W. Oh yeah. I want you to send the following note to all producers. Starting today make sure the green and all your technicolor movies is made out of chlorophyll. We'll have no stinking pictures around here. Now who's handling the production on the picture based on my life? D.W. Oh yes I'll send for him. Ms. Jones send Don Wilson in immediately. Good to see you D.W. Close the door and come over here to my desk. It's a good thing you put your desk in the middle of the office. You want to see me J.B.? Yes D.W. Where have you been? I've been talking to L.S. L.S. M.F.T. L.S. M.F.T. Lucky strike means fine tobacco. I know what were you talking about D.W.? N.L.E. Who's that? No new sense. What about T.N.C.? T.N.C. Taren compare. L.N.F.A. N.H.S.T. B.H.A.D. L.N.F.A.N. H.S.T. B.H.A.D. Let's not forget about no hotspots that burn hearts and drives. You said it. Oh J.B.? Yes R.C.? I was just talking to C.T.S. C.T.S.? Who's that? Hamlet's Tomato Soup. How does he feel? Good. I love D.W. You know I select you to produce the biggest epic ever made. The story of my life. I know and thank you. I want this picture to be perfect. I hope you've been very careful in the casting. Oh I am. In fact I've already selected the actress who will play the part of your mother. I'd like to see her. Where is she? Right behind me. Well move over so I can see her. Yes sir. Ms. Vaughn, this is Mr. Benny. Hello Mr. Benny. I'm so terribly happy to know you. You're going to play the part of my mother? I sure am. I think I ran away from home. You'll do. And chief you'll never guess who I'm casting to play the part of your father. Never mind I'll play that part myself. Now D.W. I'd like to make some notes for you about this picture. This pencil needs sharpening. Where's my office boy? Here I am Mr. Benny. Good boy Daryl. I'll teach you the movie business yet. Well thank you. Thank you very much. Did you read the script on my live story? Yes sir. Did you like it? Yes sir. Especially the scene where you leave NBC and sing. When I say I beg your pardon then I'll come back to you. That's when you say I beg your pardon then I'll come back to you. Fine studio. That's a great scene. Now Daryl my boy I'm going to give you a break and let you see how a picture is actually made. Come on let's walk over to stage three where they're shooting my biography. Thank you sir. And Daryl this picture of mine is going to be as exciting as 20th Century Fox's snows of Kilimanjaro. Oh boss come now. Well I think it will. Here's stage three. Now don't make any noise when you're in there Daryl. The director is very temperamental. Who's directing the picture sir? A famous European director Dennis Von Schmierke. Come on let's go in. That's Von Schmierke over there waving his hand. Quiet on the set there. Achtung lieber. What's the snows here? Now stay quiet. It's me talking. I want quiet. I want it so quiet that you should hear a pin drop. Oh Mr. Von Schmierke. What's the snows? All these interruptions, interruptions. It's only me. I want to know how you're getting along with the picture. Fine fine. Who's this faker here with the pencil rider? Oh no he's my office boy. Yes my name is Daryl Zanuck. I'm trying to learn the movie business. Please Mr. Von Schmierke. The boy's only trying to learn the business. Yes tell me Mr. Von Schmierke. What was the name of the last picture you made in Germany? The trumpeter from Das Kinde und das haubraten batatsgedieb. All die freudensregen verlöpen. Die freudensregen. Die freudensregen. Die freudensregen. The freudensregen. That's the title of the picture? Yes. What does it mean in English? Lassi, come home. Oh Miss Von, come here. Here I am Mr. Von Schmierke. Good. Now in this next scene we are shooting you are checked by his mother. Your husband comes home, he rings the bell, you open a door and he kisses you like so. You take his hat, he kisses you again like so. You give him his newspaper and once more he kisses you. You don't get in his strippers, and again he kisses you. And for no reason at all he kisses you. And then you say thank you and he kisses you again. Wait a minute. Remember any scene like that in the script? Quiet, I'm Ed Libby. During the scene, quiet on the set. Who knocked over that lamp? I did, sir. No wonder you're only an office boy. Now listen to me, you get off this deck and stay off, you hear me? This is Von Schmierke talking and you are taking orders from me. Yes sir, you can ball me out now but remember when Benny's dream is over you'll take orders from me. Certainly you're dreaming. I'm not dreaming, I own the studio. I own it I tell you. This is my studio and I'm the boss. I paid eight million dollars for it. Eight million dollars. Look at me, I'm shorter. The studio's mine, do you hear? Mine, mine, mine. Mine, the studio's mine, mine. Boss, wake up. Huh? Come on, wake up, you're dreaming. Oh gosh, then it was a dream after all. What a shame. What do you mean? I didn't get a chance to kiss mother, goodbye. Oh well Rochester, I'll have my dinner now. Ladies and gentlemen, here's an election announcement of special importance. All over everybody is saying, see you at the polls and you will be seeing your friends and neighbors at the polls on November 4th. For everybody wants to have his say in this important election, that's the American way. So learn all you can about the issues and the candidates. Listen to all the arguments, talk, think and then vote as you please, but vote. See you at the polls. That will be back in just a moment. The first... Lucky? Being spined, tobacco, lucky, struggling, spined, tobacco, cleaner. Fresher, smoother, lucky, lucky, lucky, struggling, spined, tobacco, lucky, struggling, spined, tobacco, cleaner. Fresher, smoother, better get a carton, better get a carton, better get a carton today. You may not cheer right out loud like that when you first try luckies. You may only whisper, ah, luckies do taste better. And I'd like to tell you why. Lucky's Better Taste begins with fine, mild, good tasting tobacco. LS, MFT, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Then too, luckies are made better. Round, firm, fully packed to taste cleaner, fresher, smoother. No wonder so many college students are cheering about Lucky's Better Taste. You see, a recent nationwide survey based on actual student interviews in 80 leading colleges reveals that more smokers in these colleges prefer luckies than any other cigarette, and by a wide margin. In addition, Lucky's gained far more smokers than the nation's two other principal brands combined. And the number one reason the students gave for smoking luckies was better taste. So enjoy Lucky's Better Taste yourself. Get a cleaner, fresher, smoother smoke. Yes, be happy, go lucky. Make your next carton Lucky Strike. Be happy, go lucky. Go lucky, strike today. Ladies and gentlemen, I want to thank Mr. Daryl Ebsanic for appearing on my program tonight. And next week... Excuse me. Hello? Hello, Jack. This is Bob Crosby. Hello, Bob. How did you enjoy your game of golf? Well, I'm still not at the golf club, but a terrible thing happened to me. Can you lend me a dollar? You mean... Yeah, on the seventh hole in Don Wilson Well, tell him I'll give him the dollar later. Good night, folks. Jack, 24 Gram is written by Sam Perrin, Milk Josephsburg, George Balzer, John Packaberry and produced and transcribed by Hillard Marx. Jack, 24 Gram is brought to you by Lucky Strike, product of the American Tobacco Company, America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes. This is the CBS Radio Network. Copy, copy, copy, copy.