 Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Jonathan Asley of JonathanAsley.com and I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today. Our topic, the five signs your ex wants you back, but he's scared. All right, really quickly, if you're brand new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new videos. And if any time during this video, the content resonates with you, please hit that like button so I could be seen in the YouTube algorithms. Really quickly, my coaching is what I call heart-centered radical honesty. It's direct, a little tough love and a lot of heart. And occasionally I use expletives to enhance the sentence. So if an F-bomb or two isn't your cup of tea, I suggest logging off right now. Lastly, these are my thoughts, my perceptions, my opinions, by no means do I suggest this is the truth. You have to decide the truth for yourself. I'm a bit of a contrarian, so much of my advice goes contrary to public opinion and traditions. So sift through it and if it makes sense, if it resonates with you great, if not, that's okay too. All right, let's talk about those five sides. Your ex wants you back, but he's scared, scared, scared, scared, scared. All right, I wanna be candid with you. I am doing this video because I see quite a few videos from some of my contemporaries centered around women seeking to want to get their ex back. In fact, quite frankly, probably true for men and women alike, quite frankly. All right, it is true for men and women alike. Let me just say that, that there is this fixation for wanting to get our ex partner back in our life. So, and there are videos after videos after videos around this. And while my personal opinion is that when a relationship ends, for the most part, while there's exceptions to the rule, it's rare that two people are ever going to get back together. I'm gonna repeat that, it's rare that two people are gonna get back together. And quite frankly, there was a reason why they ended the relationship, or one or both people ended the relationship. And maybe you should just stick with that reason. But then again, many of you are fixated with the idea of getting your ex back. So that's why I'm shooting this video. And in a moment, I'll share those five signs. He does want you back, but he's scared. Here's the reality from what I see from so, so, so many of you. Many of you, especially women, have a fantasy about how relationships work. It's all at the 40,000 foot level. It's in the fantasy realm. And while it may not be Disney fantasy per se, but certainly there's a Hollywood fantasy about relationships. And it's all centered on all the good things in a relationship. All the things that make you happy, whether it's spending time with family and friends, whether it's the sex, whether it's connecting on vacations, it's all the good things, without really looking deeper into what it takes to create a successful relationship. I quite frankly think so few people. Now, I say this from my observation, but so few people truly know the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship. And sadly, most women operate from the premise that men are the leaders of the relationship. And I say this because what is the number one search term by most women? Why are men commitment phobic? Why are men? Why do men ghost? Why do men disappear? So if that's the number one search term for so many of you out there, even this idea of getting your ex back, why would you want to give the job of the leader to the relationship to the wrong person? You are in charge of your relationship, Destiny. And quite frankly, if you watch my videos, I continually say this over and over again. Most men are winging it, winging it, winging it. They have no clue. And I know you're upset and frustrated and angry because you're gonna have to train guys, but it starts by training yourself. And if you're not familiar with my relationship iceberg, I know many of you are. Here it is really quickly. The tip of the iceberg is attraction. And right at the tip is chemistry. That's the first thing we see whether we have chemistry with someone or not. But below the waterline is compatibility, shared values, blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity. These are the fundamental principles for creating a successful relationship. And yet so few of you actually spend any time genuinely getting to know another human being to determine if they're actually right for you. And that's partially because these days we're meeting total strangers. We're meeting total strangers. It's rare that we meet someone. I want you to think back to caveman time or cave people time, excuse me, cave people time. Basically there was no dating back then. There was just basically, well there was quite frankly a lot of rape if you will. Woman was cleaning her feet at the river and the guy would just run up behind and have sex with her. I mean, that was the equivalent of mating back then. And as time progressed, there wasn't really much dating going on. There was really merging of assets if you were a noble person. And if you were a poor person, you needed bodies in your life to support you by making lots and lots of children. So that's the, I mean, throughout history, there really wasn't much dating going on. And actually, if you think about it, you typically as I was about to say earlier, you connected with somebody in your tribe. You connected with somebody in your village. You connected with somebody in your hometown or maybe you connected with someone from work. So you had a basis of familiarity. Maybe you shared family, friends. Maybe you shared friends with each other. Maybe you had significant activities that you did together that better prepared you to knowing this person at a deeper intimate level. So how do we address this? So someone doesn't become an X. Well, this is why I'm gonna share with you a new book that I've just picked up. It's by Malcolm Gladwell. He wrote Blink, but this book is called Talking to Strangers, Talking to Strangers. And why I'm just picked up this book. I haven't, I'm just started reading it. But let me read you the subtitle really quickly, the subtitle, and that is what we should know about the people we don't know. What should we know about the people we don't know? This folks, it's time to be a detective. It's time to be intentional in the process instead of this lean back in your feminine energy and the man will clean you. I know you're probably getting tired of me saying this over and over again. And yet I do watch some of my contemporaries talking about the whole feminine energy approach, okay, that's great for this chemistry piece. I get it, that's great for the chemistry piece, but that does nothing for shared values, blendable lifestyles, and emotional maturity. In fact, quite frankly, the vast majority of people are rather dysfunctional with their relationship skills and their emotional skills. That's why coming back to this book is so important because it helps you with your relationship skills. And if you haven't seen my more recent chart on relationship skills, take a look at this. By the way, this has emotional maturity and relationship skills and I want you to notice the asterisk. This is not a fact, this is an opinion. I believe 20% of the population has clinical issues, clinical issues, borderline, narcissists, bipolar, sociopaths. And then over here is about 20% is healthy. And when I say healthy, I am being generous when I say it's 20% are emotionally healthy. It's probably closer to 5%. And the vast majority of everybody else is dysfunctional. And by the way, I'm talking to you when I say this, most women have this fantasy that they're so good in their relationship skills because you have a capacity to vomit your feelings more so than man, but that doesn't make you any better skilled at communication. And this is why I continually recommend everybody getting the book nonviolent communication by Marshall Rosenberg, nonviolent communication by Marshall Rosenberg. This should have been called compassionate communication. Why? Because most humans communication skills are poor. And then lastly, folks, if you're not reading the book Eight Dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman, this teaches you the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship so you don't end up in a relationship that with somebody that's going to be your ex. All right, so since this is about exes and what's going on in their world and quite frankly, who gives a fuck if an ex wants you back is scared? Quite frankly, do you really wanna be with that guy anyway? But you seem fascinated with this title. This happens to be a popular title out there. So I'm gonna lean into those five signs that he wants you back and we'll discuss this in the Q and A. Fair enough. All right, here are my notes. The five signs your ex wants you back. Number one, they don't reach out to you, but they'll respond when you reach out to them. They don't reach out to you, but they'll respond when you reach out to them. Now personally, I think this is kind of a passive aggressive or passive submissive approach because they're basically, they want your attention. They will feed off of it, but they'll make no effort into initiating contact with you. And look it, as I said in the beginning of this video, I'm not a big proponent of looking backwards. I'm all about looking forward. I'm just giving you a reason why this might happen and why it might not be an emotionally healthy reason. Let's face it, we can all carry a torch for somebody we've cared about in our lives. We can all carry a torch for somebody we cared about in our lives. And yet, isn't the bottom line, don't you wanna be in a juicy, delicious, happy relationship? Well, if that's what you want, then I want to invite you to study, to study relationships at a deeper level instead of this fantasy level that the guy is just gonna claim you because they know what the fuck they're doing. The vast, listen, folks, I know you don't like the idea of this, but quite frankly, you can train men. My mother and father who were married 66 years before my mother passed away, she trained my dad. She just trained him into what she liked, what she wanted. She did it by leading by example. So by investing in these books, you are preparing yourself. And then quite frankly, I mentioned this book, Eight Dates, ladies, if you know my rhetoric, before the penis goes inside the vagina, purchase two copies of this book and read it together if you're going to explore a relationship together. So the second sign, your ex wants you back, but he's scared. He stalks you or stays connected with your friends on social media. He stalks you or stays connected with your friends on social media. And he's basically liking comments. He may not be commenting, but he's liking your friends and he's liking your stuff. And that's a sure sign that he still cares about you, but he's afraid to make a move. And as I said before, do you really wanna be in relationship with a guy who can't make the move? I don't think you should want to be with that, but you know what, you get to do what you want. You know, this journey, everybody is on their own journey. Most of you are on a journey of the definition of insanity and that's doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results. And I'm here to, this is why my channel is just to shake you up, shake you up into maybe looking at things from a different perspective, from a different pinhole, from a different keyhole than the old rhetoric that's been trained and been bombarded with inside of you, starting with the book, the rules and all the traditional expectations. This is why I'm such a big proponent, ladies, of checking out the book. If the Buddha dated, if the Buddha dated, this takes out all the bullshit, bullshit gender rhetoric and says, how can we connect with each other at a heart-centered level? How can we connect with each other on a heart-centered level? That's my invitation for you as well. All right, what's our next one here? Oh, the opposite of you reaching out to him and he talks, but he doesn't initiate, the opposite is he reaches out to you and but he doesn't initiate meeting with you. He reaches out to you but doesn't initiate meeting. Now, here's the thing. There's two types of guys that do this. They sometimes make excuses like talk, like try to bring up something in the past. You might need your advice on something or he's using you as his therapist. He's using you as this therapist. It's actual, what's known as emotional sex when he reaches out to you. If you're not familiar with the book by Dr. Sherry Myers called Chatting or Cheating, Chatting or Cheating, I highly recommend checking this out because she talks about something called emotional sex. Where is that? But a lot of people are stay connected with their ex, not from a romantic perspective, but from a therapy perspective, meaning it's therapy. It's like using you as your therapist, but they have no intention of being in relationship with or at least a fully committed relationship with you. So be careful of the guy who uses you as a therapist and be careful of being an enabler in that capacity as well. Many of you do that. And I'm here to say, don't waste your time with somebody who's treating you as their therapist. Number four, if you enter into a new relationship and you're still talking to your ex, he will use subtle jabs to undermine your relationship. I'm gonna repeat that. If you're in relationship with an ex and you still talk and you start a new relationship, they will undermine the relationship, the new relationship with subtle jabs about typically the person to undermine your relationship. And that's a clear sign that he does care about you, but he's just not going to do anything about, you know, I will give credit. Don't you wanna feel claimed by somebody? It really sucks trying, you know, the thing is when you're in relationship with passive people, it really quite frankly sucks because they don't have a capacity claim because quite frankly, they're not prepared for a fully committed relationship. They're not prepared for it. If you're not familiar with the work of Esther Perel, Esther Perel wrote a great book called Mating Incaptivity, Mating Incaptivity. Highly recommend checking this out, but the significant portion of the population is just not, they want companionship, they want sex, they want connection, but they're not capable of going deeper, deeper on an emotional level, deeper on an intimate level, and I don't mean sex, I mean emotional intimacy, and quite frankly, being prepared to take care of you. The bottom line is this, the ultimate reason to be in a partnership with someone is because you can count on them to be there for you through good and through bad and good, through thick and thin, through sickness and in health. That's what this is all about when you invest in someone. That's why coming back to Malcolm Gladwell's book, it's time to become a better detective. You've got to learn how to talk to strangers because everybody you're dating is a stranger, and that's my invitation for you. And last but not least, and this is what I wrote down, he's such a pussy for not being able to commit, he immediately finds someone else with a lesser connection. Let me repeat that, he's such a pussy that he can't commit, that he has to go find someone else to have a lesser connection. Folks, you know what, there's an old saying, rejection is God's protection. Quite frankly, you've dodged a bullet when a guy does something like that, they immediately go find someone else, they probably had a codependent personality anyway. So you've dodged a bullet because quite frankly, the bottom line is this, if you want a deep, rich relationship with someone, then it's time to become intentional because you don't want someone to become your ex. This is why I highly recommend ladies reading this book, how to make love all the time by Barbara DeAngelis, how to make love all the time by Barbara DeAngelis. And the reason why I want you to get this book as well as everything else I've shared is because if you wanna form a healthy, happy relationship, it starts from the very first date by being intentional, by being demonstrative, by being a fusive, by being a detective. And I know it's hard, this is tough shit. You know, I mean, this is harder than getting a PhD. I'm seriously, but you have a choice. Many of you are operating from the, I just want it easy. I just want it, you know, we are suckling on the nipple of easy here in the United States. We want it spoon-fed to us. And yet what I've learned from my own experience, it takes a deep dive into first, loving on yourself. And this is my book, What the Heck a Self Love Anyway. By the way, the link below to all the books I recommend. Here's my book, Deep Dive into Loving Yourself to Be Better Prepared So You Can Be in a Healthy, Happy Relationship. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating with you? Please let me know. All right. If it did, please hit that thumbs up button to let me know you appreciate it. All right, well, that's gonna cover the five signs your ex wants you back. Now it's time for our Q&A. And if you're new to my channel and you're watching this live, there's a little chat box there. If you have a question of me, post the word question and write the question thereafter. It makes it easier for me to find. In addition, if you purchase a super sticker or super chat, there's a little dollar sign in the chat box. All the funds go to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. There's my son, Connor. That's my son who passed away a couple of years ago in his honor. The scholarship fund is to defray the cost of personal development for those who need personal development work and also to give to the charities, personal development charities that I care about most. Really quickly, I have a little personal announcement. Oh, by the way, if you're listening to the audio, you won't be able to see the, you won't be able to purchase a super sticker, super chat or be able to see the questions, but that's okay. All right, really quickly, I've got a personal share. You might notice I have some brand new pictures here. So this is from a company called Mixed Tiles. It has an adhesive backing and you could take them back and forth. And I ordered another dozen of those. So you're gonna see some new pictures in the mix. And that's one of my favorite, this is a picture of Connor. Listen, it's one of my favorite pictures of Connor because now that he's passed away, it represents freedom, freedom, freedom from all the bullshit that we have to face in this world. And I'm so on some level is painful it is to be a parent who lost a child. At the same time, I know he rests in the arms of love. And so if you see my bracelet I wear here, it says Connor Asley and it says he rests with love. He rests with love. So, okay, time to take questions. So let's look at the board. Let's see, Sandra says, I love your transparency. Yes, it resonates with me. Oh, thank you so much. Holly says, yes, it's resonating. Carolyn says, self love, self care, way to go. Anyway, so if you have a question for me, post the word question and then write the question there after or purchase a super sticker, super chat. Makes it easier for me to find. Bum, bum, bum. Sandra says, I agree communication is very important in relationship. Yes, and yet sadly men and women are terrible communicators in relationship. Ladies, you all have a fantasy, as I said earlier, just because you can vomit your feelings doesn't make you any better at communicating your feelings. This is why I recommend all of these books so you can actually become better communicators in relationship. And yes, communication is one of the fundamentals. In fact, I want you to think of it like this. I want you to think of it like this. By the way, I've got a legit Moscow Mule in here, a little vodka, a little ginger beer, and a little lime in here, a little Moscow Mule. When you're in a awesome relationship, the communication should feel like you're talking to your best friend. You're talking to best friend. That's what communication should feel like when you're in a healthy, happy, juicy, delicious relationship. All right, let's keep going. Joan says, I will train you, Jonathan. I'd like to see you try. I'm being silly there. All right, if you have a question, post the word question. Oh, here we go, Susan writes. Thanks, Jonathan, question. A previous broadcast, you made a comment to tell the man who talks only about sex. Do you have a small penis? The last night I basically did that, dodged a bullet. All right, folks, listen, I have a little confession to make up. We had a question come in on our previous live stream and someone shared a person that they were communicating with who started sexual innuendos. And my response was, why don't you ask him? So, is it typical of men with small penises to lead with sex in the communication process? Question mark, question mark, question mark. And I said this as a humorous joke, but on some level, folks, just like a shark, you have to smack someone on the, you gotta smack them on the nose when they're acting like jackasses and guys who lead with sex really, here's the thing. We men will test women with a little sexual innuendos here or there. That's not uncommon for even guys like myself, I will say sexual innuendos if I feel comfortable with someone. So I'm just suggesting it exists. And at the same time, if they're constantly a barrage of sex, you gotta smack them on the nose, like the shark. And something like what Susan said, she dodged a bullet. You know what, I just made up that idea. Is it true that guys with small penises lead with sex in the dating process by asking it as a question? You're not suggesting he has a small penis, but you are because, and quite frankly, who gives a shit of how he responds? You block the person you move on. Susan, thank you so much for that, I really appreciate it. Hey, we got a $50 super sticker here. Wow, in honor of Connor, happy Thanksgiving. Oh my God, Tim, thank you so much. I really appreciate that for the Connor as a scholarship fund. Oh, I'm so happy, thank you so much. And again, that will go to charities that are for personal development or to help defray the cost of personal development for someone who wants to sign up for my programs or something like that. All right, Jay Gray says, great addition to your book list is Jordan Peterson, 12 Rules for Life. Okay, I love Jordan Peterson. Folks, if you're not familiar with the man by the name of Jordan Peterson, he's an intellectual. He's a professor, a Canadian professor of psychology, a brilliant man. He's written a book, The 12 Rules of Life. Right, life. I am familiar with it. My son owns a copy of it. I'll just ask to borrow his. It's mostly men. It turns out young men are reading this, which is great for, you know, like again, my son. There's my son, Colin, he's now 25. But it's a great book for younger people and people like myself as well. But it's really a great book for those 20-year-olds and particularly men to get their shit together, to get their shit together at Ladies. This is why I continually recommend to all of you, before the penis goes inside the vagina, get the book eight dates, make the motherfucker read this shit with you. Because then you won't waste your time with the wrong guy because here's the thing. The wrong guy will run away, but that's what you want. You want the wrong guys out of the way. And when someone actually invests in this book with you, that's a great sign that at least they're emotionally mature enough to want to explore the depths of a relationship instead of the casual way most people are dating today. Most people, men and women alike are dating so casual because you're afraid of getting hurt, you're afraid of investing. And I can understand why. Listen, when you've had, you fall down once, you get up, you fall down twice, you get up, you fall down the third time you get up, you fall. And finally you're like, fuck, I don't feel like getting up anymore. Which means I don't feel like making effort. And if you're not making effort, you will continually choose the wrong people in your life. That's just how it works. Sorry to say, yes, some people get lucky early on, but believe me, think about here in the United States, 50% of all marriages end in divorce, 65% of second marriages end in divorce and 75% of third marriages end in divorce. People are not good at getting to know one another. This is why coming back to Malcolm Gladwell's book, Talking to Strangers, what we should know about getting to know someone you don't know. Start learning these techniques because you don't have time to fuck around. But Jonathan, it takes so much time to read all these books you recommend. Ladies, if you're not willing to invest 20 minutes a day for your betterment in your life, 20 minutes a day over the course of one year. That's all I'm asking to read all the books I recommend is 20 minutes a day for one year. If you can't invest that, then you have no fucking business being in a relationship with someone. I'm sorry to be so fucking blunt and cursing like this, but you're a child when you operate that way that you're going because you're saying, but I just want my Christmas presents and I want it now, but I want my Christmas presents and I want it now. And I don't want to have to do anything for my Christmas presents. I just want my Christmas presents given to me. This is why so many people, listen, listen, I am not perfect by any stretch of the means. Believe me, I am riddled with flaws, but I'm grateful now that I show up as an adult in relationship. And if you're not, many of you operate like children. It's time to become an adult in relationship. How to become an adult in relationship. Here's a great book by David Rico. I definitely recommend this book. All right, that's my rant for this point. Thank you so much for your question so far. All right, Kimberly writes. Hey, Kimberly, question. Jonathan, any advice when we first meet and start building a relationship with the kids of our dating partners? It seems to be just as important to work on, but we don't hear much about that. Great question, Kimberly. So coming back to my relationship, Iceberg. Okay, can you see where it says blendable lifestyles, blendable lifestyles? Folks, children are part of the equation. Pets are part of the equation. All of this is part of the equation. And quite frankly, children can be incredibly disruptive to the merging of two people together depending on the dynamic with their children. So here's what I'm about to share. The more dysfunctional the relationship that either one of you has with your children, the more dysfunction it's going to create in your dating life. I'm gonna repeat that. The more dysfunction there is with the children, the more dysfunction there is in the dating life. This is why I take someone like myself. No disrespect to women have children, but I'm an empty nester. I mean, sadly, one of mine is in heaven, the nest. The other one lifts with his mom. Happily so, by the way. But I'm here to say, because I'm not prepared to want to raise someone else's children. I know that's gonna turn off a lot of people that have that are raising children, but that's where I'm at in my life. A lot of midlife people are at that stage. A lot of you younger folks, it's like we've been indoctrinated with this fantasy of Brady Bunch. Does anyone remember the TV show Brady Bunch? You had Carol and you had Mike and they each had three children and somehow magically these six kids got together and they had this perfect life. It's a fantasy. It doesn't exist. Children can be, now, do I have any tips on this? I think it's time to be radically honest and ask yourself, do you want to, you gotta buy the whole cow. So you better do your vetting on how they operate as a parent and they should be vetting you on how you operate as a parent because that can be a very problematic part of your relationship experience. And that's not my area of expertise. You might wanna seek some counseling on that, but just be mindful of it. And Kimberly, that was a great question to pose. So I really appreciate it. So thank you so much. All right. Holly says, I remember Brady Bunch. Yes, indeed. Vicki says, I love that show. Catherine says, here's the story of a lovely lady who had three kids and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. By the way, I don't sing well, so thank you. All right, do we have any other questions? Let's go through the board. Let's go swimming. Linda says, question. I'm dating a guy that won't commit. It's long distance, but he's asked me to go on a Caribbean cruise. What's up? He wants a travel buddy. That's what he wants. He wants a travel buddy. You're a great travel buddy. He gets to have lots of fun with you. He gets to fuck your brains out and then he gets to dump you at the dock. Now, by the way, I have no problem with anyone wanting to do that. Look at, you can treat it as a weekend getaway and have a blast. Go for it. I mean, I'm not here to judge that, but if you want a fully committed relationship, here's the problem with long distance relationships. Most of the time folks you're spending, this is how you're spending your relationship. How's your day going? Are you having a good day? I hope you're having a good day. Did you have a blessed day? I hope you're having a blessed day. Or it's like this, did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day. Did you have a really good day? Hey, I'm wishing you a great day. The rhetoric is this. Now, here's the problem. With long distance relationships, most of your relationship is on the telephone. And here's the problem. Very few routes of trust, routes of trust is built through the telephone because here's the deal. Listen, I've had 10,000 hours of telephone calls and I can only remember one telephone call in my life. Maybe two. The one that stands out most is the phone call I got that my son passed away. That will, I will never forget that phone call. I have 99,000 other hours of phone calls. I don't remember any of them. However, in my most significant relationship, I remember that time we went to New York. I remember that time we went to Vancouver. I remember that time we walked up the Hollywood side. I remember that Burning Man party we went to. I remember that time we got that stripper van with a bunch of people and we had a great time. Human beings don't remember telephone calls. They remember experiences. Relationships are built through time and trust. Things like social activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building skills, intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy. This is how a relationship is built. It's not built through the telephone. And yet sadly, many of you are suckling, you're holding your breath on a relationship that you barely get to see a person. Unless you're getting this, listen, I wouldn't invest in a long distance relationship unless you're at least at a minimum and a minimum seeing each other every other weekend. Let me repeat that, at a minimum you're seeing each other at every other weekend. Because anything longer, the roots of trust aren't there. And by the way, it's built on a shaky ground. It's like a tree in a hurricane wind without any roots. It's gonna blow away. So, what was your original question? I don't know if I answered it. Oh, about the crews. Hey, listen, go out and have a great time. Get laid, have fun. But if you want something serious, then I wouldn't go. That's just my invitation for you. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. Hit that like button. All right. Catherine says, I agree, Jonathan, the books on your list are all a must read. Thank you so much. All right, let's go swimming. Let's go swimming. Suzette writes, question, when do you know it's time to take your profile down from a dating app when you start seeing a guy more than the other ones you like more? You know, this, I'm gonna share with you my personal feeling on this because everybody has their own choices here. You know, I'm gonna share something with you folks. The minute I'm flirting with someone on these devices and we have a scheduled meeting, I then disengage with flirting with other people after I've met the person. If I've met the person and I wanna see them a second time, I disengage flirting with anyone else. I disengage flirting with anyone else. And if I see someone a second time, I definitely start to not look at my apps as frequently. And if I wanna see someone a third time, it's usually because I wanna explore something with them. If I wanna see someone three or four times, then that's the time for me, just Jonathan Asley, where I deactivate my accounts because I don't want the distraction. The problem is it's very addictive. It's very addictive to go, ooh, you get a ping. Oh, wow, she's kind of, wow, she's way cuter than the one I'm talking to. Oh my God, well, shit, well, what am I gonna do? Well, should I talk to her? And should I keep talking to her? Because I don't know if she likes me and all this folks. I'm a believer that two people within a three week period of time can figure out if they wanna explore a relationship, if they happen to live in the same town. And so I would prefer to disconnect from the dating app sooner rather than later. That's just the way I operate. Now, I know many of you are being counseled not to do that. In fact, many of you are being counseled the exact opposite. They want you to do what's called duty dating. They want you to do what's called circular dating. And what that means is dating multiple men at the same time and let the cream rise to the top. Here's the problem with that methodology. A, it's exhausting. B, you can miss things through the cracks. But C, and the most important thing is the reason why that advice is given because it's helping you avoid getting attached to someone. Here's the problem. If you have a problem getting attached to the wrong people, dating multiple people won't solve that. All that will do is fuck it up even more. It muddies the water. I was talking to a woman once who listened to one of these coaches that advocates circular dating. And she realized that she was missing things because she couldn't remember what this guy said and what this guy said and what this guy said and things were slipping through the cracks. You can't be a good detective if you're working on four homicide cases all at the same time, homicide cases, I'm using that. But think about it, when a detective is working a case, it's one case at a time. And that's my invitation for you to do the same. So for me, the minute I like someone, I like to disengage because I just don't wanna get distracted by other people. Who agrees with me? If you agree with me, give me an amen. If not, then I'd like to hear your thoughts as well. All right, let's keep going. Let's keep swimming, let's keep swimming, let's keep swimming. All right, what's going on? Question, post the word question or purchase a super stick or super chat. That makes it easier for me to find. Oh, here we go, chain piece says. Question, what do you do when you've been messaging someone for a few weeks yet they're still active on match? Ask him out on a date, say, hey, I'd like to take you out for coffee, is Tuesday or Thursday good for you? Get off of this and get in face to face. But Jonathan, he lives 4,000 miles away. Well, then fucking get on a plane or have him get on a plane, but stop fucking around. It's not healthy to spend a lot of hours before you meet someone because here's what happens is seven out of 10 times you can spend hours upon hours and actually never meet each other or you spend hours upon hours, you meet, there's no attraction for one of you or you spend hours upon hours of hours and one of you likes you, but the other one doesn't. So cut to the quick much sooner. Use my method three, two, one, three, okay? Three means no more than three email or text exchanges should lead to no more than two telephone calls that should lead to one date all in a three week period of time. But Jonathan, there is no buts. Date people who live in your neighborhood or relatively close where you can actually invest in one another because it's hard enough to build a relationship when you live miles apart from each other and it makes it even more doubly challenging when there's distance because there's children, there's work, there's your exercise regimen, there's your friends, your family, all of these things make it more complicated. But Jonathan, if we love each other, magic fairy dust will make it work. What fucking magic fairy dust ladies are you buying? Love doesn't make a relationship work. Compatibility makes the relationship work. Love is the icing on the cake. Compatibility is the most important thing. Shared values, blendable lifestyles, and emotional maturity. So stop fucking around having hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours of conversation. Cut to the quick, do the sniff test to see if you like each other. Then you can start investing on the telephone. Three, two, one, three, use it. All right, I hope that helped. Thank you so much for that question. I really appreciate it, Jane B. All right, we're gonna take one more question. By the way, so for those that live in the United States, tomorrow is Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving. By the way, Holly, it's three, two, one, three. There's a three at the end, three weeks. Okay, tomorrow is Thanksgiving for those of us in the United States. And I just wanna quickly, before I take our last question of the evening, I wanna give thanks to all of you. So many of you have been generous, not just with your super stickers and super chats. You've been generous with your love towards me, towards my son Connor. I can't begin to thank you enough for the love you give me with respects to my son. It means so much to me. And I want you to know how flattered I am. So many of you reach out to me with love notes and love cards and messages and such. I am deeply flattered. I think the Leo in me loves it. The ego in me loves it. And the little kid in me is also kind of feeling a little embarrassed at the same time. And I wanna share with you with immense gratitude. I wanna thank you all for the love you give me. It brings me much joy. And my hope is I'm making a difference in your life. That's what I'm here to do is to make a difference. And I hope I'm doing that. If I'm making a difference, please post it there. Just say, Jonathan, you're making a difference in my life. Or purchase a super sticker, super chat. That would be great too. All right, our last question of the day. Precious girl, maybe we'll take one more after that. Question, any advice on when you feel like you're never going to find the one because dating is exhausting? So I guess the question is how to maintain hope? How to maintain hope? You know, folks, I'm gonna read you all something. So hold on one second. It's part of my coaching practice. I share with my clientele my love mantra. So I'm gonna read it to you all today. It's gonna take a few minutes to read right here. This is what gives me hope and makes me get up every day for the process. So it starts out by saying, I'm in a mutually conscious, loving, passionate, playful, romantic relationship, spending three or four days and nights a week together, weekly leading to fully committed within one year. We feel excited to be with each other because we're immensely physically attracted to, adore and desire each other, which feels fantastic. We experience chemistry in all areas of who we are and we feel emotionally safe and secure when we're together as well as when we're apart. We feel wonderful because we communicate consciously, effortlessly in a free flowing style. We are truly best friends and our conversations feel balanced and respectful carrying on for hours and hours at a time. The depth of our connection feels exhilarating as we help each other learn and grow by speaking freely from our hearts. We feel loved, cherished and appreciated because we speak each other's love language. We feel grateful because we accept each other which feels calming. We appreciate each other's gifts to the world and acknowledge each other's unique imperfections. We feel valued because we make a constant conscious effort to meet each other's needs, wants and desires. We feel elated because we're truly compatible in every sense of the word. We appreciate most of the same things in life and we maintain our individuality and our sovereignty. We're both deep, we're both emotionally secure to handle conflicts and differences with ease which feels peaceful. We feel delighted and satisfied because we spend a significant amount of time together in shared activities and hobbies. We love to laugh and play all the time which feels liberating. We love each other's sense of humor and the banter can go on for hours and hours at a time. We feel joy because our family and friends are an important part of our daily relationship. We are a perfect match and feel safe, content, satisfied and peaceful. We feel protected and safe with each other and can live a bountiful life because we believe in partnership and support one another financially which feels grounding. We feel amazing because we're truly compatible sexually and we feel an amazing desire of passion, intimacy which feels sensational. We feel ecstatic because our daily intimate practice is a vital ritual for our relationship success and fulfills each other's desires while strengthening our commitment to nurturing sexuality, intimacy and vulnerability. We feel serene because we're both secure in who we are and come from a heartfelt place where we cherish one another with integrity, honesty and respect. We feel in harmony because we are aligned in our core values on life, health, finance, charity, community, family, fun, pleasure, travel prosperity and spirituality. We feel fabulous because we're a partnership and can co-create the future looking through the same window. We feel wonderful because we have created the roots for long-term commitment and trust which feels grounding and whole. We are in alignment and our core beliefs that are fully committed to maintaining a long-term loving relationship which feels supportive. We're both deeply madly and deliriously in love with each other and express gratitude daily with attention, affection and appreciation which feels incredible. Lastly, our mutual crazy and weirdness is what bonds us together which feels fucking liberating. And finally, when we say I love you to each other we mean I'm here, you matter, we are important. I've got your back, I'm not going anywhere and I only want you. Folks, this is my love mantra and this is how I maintain that knowing, not hope, not belief, that knowing that an amazing person will enter in my life and it doesn't matter when that happens that could happen one year before my death or it can happen one minute from today or after I finished this live stream anyway. We have to find that hope, that knowing I should say that knowing within us and when you actually know something is going to happen you don't feel fear, you don't feel desperate, you don't feel frustrated. You just operate by fall off the horse seven times get up eight times and that's what this is all about. So folks, I get the frustration it's very fair to have it and at the same time if you wanna create a love mantra similar to mine this is all what my coaching program is about too. Help you determine true compatibility for yourself learn how to ask the right questions to know if he's compatible with you how to vet for emotional maturity and then allow your intuition to be the driving force in your relationship. Are you willing to do that? Check out the link to a free discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. All right, if you like my mantra please give me an amen, I'd like to hear it. Thank you so much. Oh, Elaine says, that was beautiful. Thank you so much. Holly says, thank you so much, Johnson. I love your lives. Sherry says, I know it, I will find it way to go. Suzanne says, I can't contribute to the Conner Fund but hope that have a happy Thanksgiving. Thank you so much. Kitten says, amen. Holly says, amen. Folks, thank you so much for allowing me to enter into your lives today. I hope you got some values from the five signs your ex wants your back quite frankly. Don't fuck with an ex, kick them to the curb and move on. That's just my suggestion anyway. All right, listen, go make it a fantastic holiday weekend for yourself, I'll be back in a few days. And again, if you find value in this check out the links in the description to see if you wanna work with me, join my group, buy my book, that sort of thing. Join my Instagram, there's a link below to join my Instagram as well. All right, oh please tell your friends and share this video as well. We're gonna wrap up this video as we always do. First off, giving myself a big, gigantic, Jonathan Barra hug of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear pillow and give inner them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. I wanna thank Mercedes, Marianne, Teresa, hey Teresa, Elaine, Vicki, Holly, Caroline, Nadia. I wanna thank Colleen for the super sticker. Thank you so much. Grace has an ideal description of an ideal partner. Thank you so much, I appreciate that. Everyone, thank you so much from the bottom of my heart wishing you a super-duper, wonderful, fantastic day. Bye-bye now, or evening I should say, bye-bye now. Happy holidays.