 so welcome back to another therapy Thursday again my session was on a Saturday afternoon so hence the brightness outside today was a very very great session I feel I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulder that I didn't know was there it was good if you watch my last therapy Thursday video you know I was or am struggling with not struggling but I am not ready or not at the place yet where I can forgive my children's father I'm not I'm never gonna say his name in these videos for more than one reason but just know I'm never gonna say his name but as I mentioned in my last video he's been coming up a lot for me this month like whether it's just a random thought on my own or someone brings him up to me my children bringing him up more than usual like that has continued this past week and today this morning my mother come in the room and she says you know something that's been bothering me or something that pops up in my head every every now and then is the the image of the pictures and videos that they sent you of his body when he passed away so when I got the call that he was sick and being rushed to hospital in Ghana I of course didn't know how severe it was nobody knew what was wrong and while he was in the hospital the guy that was there with him kept sending me pictures and videos he was unconscious with his eyes open laying on the hospital bed sweating only have on his boxers like I honestly blocked those images out of my head because I it's not an image that I wanted to remember but when my mom brought it up this morning it like it hit me like those images just popped up right right away cuz they were in my phone when I I didn't know what I was gonna open but every time I opened it it was just but the images that were the morals I don't want to say disturbing but just something that you don't really want to see was the video of them moving his dead body like lifting his deceased body and then putting it in this like old metal rusty to container thing I completely blocked all of those images out my head and it wasn't until this morning that I remembered them and so in therapy today I am I said like my mom randomly brought this up and now it's at the forefront of my head and she was like it was a random this is just the continue process of the universe making you face these things because next month would make a year since his passing next month is also his birthday next month is also my son's birthday and I don't know what to expect in terms of how I'm gonna feel and what's gonna go through my head around those dates but everything that's been happening for the past few weeks in terms of his memory coming up or these images coming up and people talking about him my children bringing him up more than usual it's all so that I can face my shit and so today my therapist asked me did you grieve his death and I think initially I did start grieving his death I when I when he passed away I literally went into a state of feeling like I am in limbo I remember that day going to the beach by myself I walked into the water and I just kept walking and walking and I went underwater and for a slight second I did not want to get up not in terms that I thought about taking my life but I just didn't want to feel I didn't want to think I didn't want to come back up to reality if that makes sense so when I did first find out about his passing I cried a lot I was barely eating I was definitely grieving I went through this time where I felt like his dead erased everything that happened everything that he did to me and that I could no longer be angry with him that I could not no longer be hurt by what he did to me because now he's dead now he's physically gone how can I be mad at someone who's not physically here anymore so I started grieving and I pushed everything else that I was going through aside then at some point I switched and I stopped grieving his death I stopped thinking about his death in terms of because he's gone what happened to me doesn't matter anymore and I started pulling me first again I started intentionally healing from the sexual assault the verbal and emotional and the physical abuse I started putting that back to the forefront because and this happened because I'm in therapy and because my therapist reminded me that his death does not erase what he did and you do still need to heal from that you still need to face it and feel it and release it but in doing that I pushed his death away like I pushed the fact that he that someone that I spent 11 years with is no longer physically here and I would only get sad when my son bring him up or when I think about the fact that my children don't have a their father anymore but today she told me that there's no or there's no either you grieve or you heal from your trauma there's only and because they're both realities in your life and you don't have to pick aside they're both something you can face and acknowledge at the same time so instead of saying I can grieve or I can heal from this trauma or I can acknowledge that he did x y and z to me it's only and during this session I was just able to really talk about stuff that I was able to talk about him in a way that I haven't been able to talk about him in a long time I still don't miss him for me I still don't miss him in a term that I want him I want to be with him like those feelings left a very long time ago but I was able to process what my life with him meant I was able to process what his death meant and I know that he served a purpose in my life like no matter how I switch alternate no matter how I think about it I can't sit here and say I wish I never met him I can't sit here and say I wish I followed my mind and went off the college single like I like I had planned to I can't say that I wish I left him before I got pregnant after my first pregnancy like I can't regret any of it because one of his main purposes in my life was bringing for those three children that I have each pregnancy and birth stripped things away from my life that I no longer needed and also taught me more about myself and led me closer to my purpose it led me closer to my passion it led me closer to my divinity and I don't say those things lightly like I truly mean that and I can't erase that so for me to sit here and say that I regret being with him I regret the 11 years of us being together I can't everything that happened up to the moment of me leaving has served a purpose through lessons through love through experiences that has lead me into being who I am now and I am more in touched and in tuned and at ease with myself than I've ever been in my life like I am the best version of myself that I've ever been right now and it's because of everything that I've been through and everything that I'm going through and everything that I'm healing from so I don't regret our time together I I don't know if you all would I don't know if y'all understanding where I'm coming from with this but he served the purpose in my life and I'm grateful and I know that I wouldn't be who I am today and know what I know today and live how I live today if he didn't enter my life if we didn't have those 10 11 years together if I didn't get pregnant and have those three children because for me to wish that I have left any moment sooner I wouldn't have my three children I was four months pregnant when I left that man if I had left any minute sooner anytime sooner I wouldn't have my three children and they they they were meant to be here they were meant to come through me and be created with his seed and my and my egg so I don't regret it and I find peace in knowing that he served that purpose in in my life and I think today's session has led me closer to the forgiving side because I I I I was able to tap into a side of my relationship with him and his passing that I haven't tapped into and of course I'm not going to go into details details but I just want to share what the scope of my session was today and I feel good I could honestly say I feel good I I honestly feel lighter I feel more clarity another thing I shared because like everything just I don't I I can't even verbally explain everything because like I when I'm in my session like I speak as things come to me I speak as I feel because it's organic and natural I can't come on camera and just regurgitate everything that happened in my session but I I'm reading this book called the spirit of intimacy I just started reading it I'm only on like chapter 2 but there was a section when I was reading last night there was a section that stood out to me and I brought it up today in my session so I'm just gonna read that real quick and explain to y'all why that and explain to y'all why it resonated with me so it says there's a spiritual dimension to every relationship no matter what its origins whether it is acknowledged as spiritual or not two people come together because spirit wants them together what is important now is to look at the relationship as spirit driven instead of driven by the individual the role of spirit in our relationship is to be the driver to monitor our relationships for the good that resonated with me because it made sense nothing is coincidence in life you know me ending up with him was beyond my control or beyond anything I could have understand at the moment at the moment is just oh I like him let's be together whatever whatever but I would have ended up with him regardless and have this time with him regardless because spirit needed him to be in my life in order for me to be who I am today spirit also guided me out of the relationship safely because he had already served his time in my life he had already fulfilled his purpose in my life I find peace in that I find peace in knowing that he is more at peace now than than he ever than he's ever been when he was alive because that man was battling some some serious stuff that I could have never helped him through stuff that he never wanted to acknowledge or face and that is why intentional healing is so important like awareness is the first step but if you're not being intentional about healing from your traumas healing from the things that hurt you from the people that hurt you that stuff can transform into a type of rage that turns you into a person that nobody will recognize and I watched it happen before my eyes like I was dear when he was going through his depression and I watched that depression turn into anger and that anger turned into rage like I saw it happen and because he would never acknowledge that he needed to seek help because he would never confront the people in his life that caused him a lot of his trauma it festered it stayed there and festered that doesn't excuse what he did to me it really doesn't it really doesn't but I know what the cause of what he turned into was if that makes sense I don't know if I'm saying that right anyways today's session was good I cried one thing I'm gonna do is cry I'm gonna cry but crying is healing crying is healing anyways if you have been thinking about going to therapy and haven't decided yet let this be your reminder to start know that despite what you are going through or despite what you've been through it is all part of your journey for a reason it's so cliche to say everything happens for a reason but it really does you know the universe knows even when we don't and I find a lot of peace and knowing that I am in a better space than I've ever been in life despite what I've been through don't let anything you're going to break you you could bend you could twist you could turn but don't let it break you know that you can overcome know that you can heal and know that at the end or on the other side of that is something so beautiful like yeah I ain't see nothing yet I'm about to glow up mark my word I could feel it like I honestly could feel it anyways to all of my beautiful melanated women protect your womb by any means necessary and to everybody watching protect your peace by any means necessary I wish you all love light and prosperity and you will see me in my next video peace