 Welcome back to Why In The Morning and This Is Why 2.5.4, my name is Senior Comrade Oguda Bradley Sankaraka Esu and I am here for man talk. Fortunately, it's not absolute man thing because there's no man without a lady. And I'm going to give you very quick statistics here. I'm telling you that the topic we are going to discuss today is how to relate with the extramarikotalkids. That's for men because it's man talk today. And I'm going to give you very quick statistics here that there are about 15 million kids that are not connected to their fathers now, that are raised without a father as we talk now, that is in Kenya alone. And then is that only 33% of those mothers who are raising kids on their own are employed, only 33 are employed. Then the rest 69% are not employed at all. So they don't have how to raise up the kids. And then 63% of the children suicides come from homes without a father. 63% like child suicides, childs who commit suicide are from homes without a father. And again, 90% of children who run from home to the streets, 90% are from homes without a father. And then kids who grow up in homes without dads are 20 times more likely to end up in jail. It means one in 20, only one in 20 of those who are in jail right now are from the background of father and mother. The rest are from the background where there's only one mum, there's only mum raising them up. So there's a problem with fatherhood in this country and that's why I'm here. And we are here with the comrades to discuss this fatherhood thing on how to relate with kids that are got outside married. With me to help demystify this are two people, I don't want to call them gentlemen because this is a lady and a gentleman. So we are going to start with Janet, who is going to comprehensively introduce herself. Welcome Janet. Thank you. My name is Janet Musolo, HRH Janet Michaels on every social media platform, and I am a media personality. What is HR? HR is Haroel Heines. Oh, wow. I'm royalty. You are a queen. Did you say you're social media handles? Yes, yes, yes. Can you repeat? HR Janet Michaels everywhere. Okay, you're welcome to this show. You're going to help us know what happens with the fathers because we're related with them. And then on my extreme right is one, you're going to introduce yourself. I know you but I want you to pronounce it better than I can. Okay, a good morning. My name is Bayron Nyakoi, I'm a senior student at University of Nairobi. My social media handles are Bayron underscore Nyakoi, Facebook Bayron Nyakoi. What do you do, Bayron? Right now. You've said you're a senior student. Yes, yes. I studied finance at the University of Nairobi. That's Bachelor of Commerce. So do you practice? So at the moment what I do is crypto. I do crypto business. Crypto, what is crypto business? Crypto currency. The Bitcoins, BTC, Ethereum, Dogecoins. So we are here to talk about this fatherhood. Absence fatherhood, I can call it so. Yes, yes. What is your take on it? We just start with you. Absence fatherhood. I think you, thank you for that. So when you're talking about extra marital, that was our topic today. First thing that I want to let people know is that a father is a very important figure in a family and in the life of a child. So with the absence of his father, if I may start the show, it causes some misbehavior in the kids, especially when you're raising boys. When you're raising boys, you need a father. When the kids get to puberty, they need somebody who will help them turn down. It's just the mother raising them. Sometimes when you're in puberty, you might tend to think that now you're even stronger than the mother when you're a guy. Your mother will be emotionally weak to handle you. But when the father is in the house, the voice alone will bring you down. They're roaring alone. I still think, not just I think, but it's really important that a father figure exists in a pring over a kid. Janet Nyakoi is saying that that roaring voice of a man does something in the life of a child and is stressing it on a boy child. It's more on a boy child. Give us your whole overview of absent fatherhood. It's true, a father should be part and parcel in the role making of a boy. Because you see women are not the same as men. Me, I can direct my girl child how I want her to become the way I was taught with my mum. But when it comes to boys there are some changes maybe you need to talk to your dad what's happening in my upcoming. So it is important that a dad is there. Both parents are there. Yes, a dad and a mum. You need to love your children. In school maybe the boy will start seeing the others have parents both sides but him is lacking one parent. There are also situations where there's only dad and there's no mum and that is more problematic. So it's important for both parents to be there. Brian back to you. Yes. Are you Brian or Byron? Byron, sorry. I have a twin called Brian so I do accept Brian. Oh you are a twin. Yes. Byron and Brian. Yes. That's interesting. Tell us situations you think lead to this maness that we have now of absent fatherhood. Yes. First of all we will start with the influence from the western countries that is so eminent in our third world countries as you can see. You see most of us especially Kenyans tend to really copy a lot of things that happen in the United States from the movies we watch and from the lifestyle that they lead. It's very common that single parenthood this is something that was not so common in our African setup because even for a lady to get married I mean the aunts even ensure that this lady has not gone to bed with any other man unlike our situation nowadays. But you see the culture that has come with it that a lady feels she's independent and she cannot do without a man so the only thing that she needs is a child and that's all because she has a career and so I think first of all as I said it's an influence from the western culture that is evident. That we are just influenced maybe through the TVs we watch what we read their life now we are trying to copy their life. And to add on that now these people come into relationships without even you see the steps where there's courtship there's everything. People just go into relationships then pop there's a kid and then when the kid is involved they are not sure whether they want to get married then we split. Can you talk of something of man kuruka memba? Kuruka memba pia wana ruka san. And I was wondering if maybe the girl impregnating herself. Ya but now they doubt when they ruka they say that maybe there was a man. It wasn't me. Ya you know there's a message I read in your phone the other day of a man inviting you what it could be of that other man and all that. But you know kukatiwa is normal so I don't think there is a man just because a text message. That's why there should be communication in a relationship you need to communicate. If you are transparent enough you will tell him or her we have many texts to be naivi to do away with that kushu kushu kuting. Just to respond because I am a man. Ya you said the topic of a man kuruka memba. This also has to take a process for a lady to understand what kind of relationship are you having with this guy. In a relationship there is situationship and a relationship. Relationship is that commitment that I have seen that now this lady I want to be with. So whatever happens I have a back. But you know kunaile amkua me panga just something just happened. And you guys don't have a clear direction of whatever you have between you two. There's a guy who was telling me that I thought the ball was mine until the kid was born. Fana ni nasisi kabisa. Fana ni nasisi kabisa. Now that is the situation because they are now not trusted. Kafom tuto na fana na naji rani. Mami na fana ni nawe, bata na fana na na mimi. You just can't wait for the baby to automatically kufana na nawe. But I think what should really happen is that this is now to the ladies maybe who are watching and listening. Yes. You know in an incident where a lady gets pregnant the first thing that she should do is have a candid discussion with this guy. Yes. Avoid the text message and what have you at any point. You know. Tafajama na wuma fein tumaliaku. Just have a candid discussion. Call him. Tell him now this is the situation and if you're done with school, if you're in school you can still discuss now what's the way forward. Listen from him. Isn't it? Isn't it every month's dream to be a father? Why do you want to fein when you are told you are going to be a father? It's every month's dream to be a father. But you know when the time is right. So you see what ladies do, some of them that I've interacted with, I've been a peer counselor as well in campus. I mean you understand in campus. Comrades get pregnant and whatever you have to seek maybe my advice. So you get maybe there was no proper communication. Maybe a lady would stay for a month or maybe to let the news out. You know from that point there will be mistrust because the guy will be like how old is this? Then they start calculating days. That alone will just start. But the way when days are not adding up. Yes. But you know there is protection, there is measures to undergo if you are not ready to be a dad. So if you do some things you need to expect the consequences. So you need to get a solution at this level. First you can talk of influence from other countries. So we should not copy other people blind especially the negative things. And now they are not just talking about unwanted pregnancies. I think we should avoid this in the first instance. If there is anything we can do to avoid getting unwanted pregnancy. There is no unwanted child. Children are not good. They are brought by God. Somebody of faith like me can argue so. But now there are things we can do to avoid getting early. Because you said you can faint if you are told if a news has been broken to you that you are going to be a dad soon. And Janet is talking of morality. There are steps that are not followed so that somebody becomes a father when they didn't expect. And I think it is worse to be a mother when you didn't expect. It is worse than being a father. What do you think? Okay, being a mother is a blessing. And once the baby is conceived there is an attachment. So I don't think there is any mother who can say that it is worse. You didn't learn it. But you know there is nothing you can do and you can't. It has already happened. No, you are going to be with this kid for nine months. Yes, you will do everything that is there possible. Lack of support may be from whatever you are trying to put. The question you are trying to pose to her. I think lack of support is now what may... Women are naturally emotionally weak. And pregnancy comes with a lot of things. I don't know that you have experience. Do you have a child? Yes, I have children. Do you see the mood swings? The mood swings from ladies. They lose appetite, they lose taste in different things. Due to that process you need somebody who is loving, somebody who is caring. Now when a man rukas you, then you go back to your parents and now from your parents ask you who is responsible. You cannot tell the mood is responsible because the person responsible don't want to be responsible for that. That now brings along depression out of the man. Yes, Briana was reading some research that said, I just said here that there is some emotional attachment that comes within mother and baby. Immediately they are conceived. That the same attachment can be between a father and a kid even before, even immediately after conception. If you are presently there. So you can see the emotional torture that a child goes through by getting attached to one person. So there is that whole thing of you are not, there is something missing. Is there a way we can fix this even if you are away? Yes, I think one of the ways that we can fix this when you get a child with a lady or a lady get a child with a man, is not a guarantee that we are going to get married. Maybe we will figure out and see after a while that we are not meant to be, we are not so compatible as we thought we are. But that should not now affect the baby or the child that we have. So what a man can do, because precisely before a child turns 18 is the responsibility of the mother. So what the father can do then can make visits or he can schedule himself maybe if it's the weekends he is spending with the child you can come pick the child. Nili suma me mahali ati kama wuna gari wesi bebe dadi you know what I mean. It doesn't matter. But as a mother's quality bebe dadi nwi watu kuna nwi watu kama gari. Na re, jawana sasati. Weni babam totu. But still it makes sense. A father or a father can schedule maybe if it's weekends he is free can go get his son or daughter and spend the weekend with them maybe move around, take them to playgrounds and then that bonding is important for the child. And then when he comes back the mother is there. So this child will not have baggage as one that is raised single parent. Because when you are a single parent and you are raising a kid alone you are also busy with your work. So it means this child will not get time for anyone. Time for you and time for the father. You know Sijanet is suggesting that he should be going taking the kids out so that there is that bonding. But there are instances where there is bitterness. So you deny the dad the access to the child bring it on. Yes, that's why they should be communication and think the parents should not use their differences that may affect the kid. If you hate him maybe Ajana how can you pretend do you pretend in the presence of the child that things are okay? You can try and pretend for the sake of the kid. That's what I'm saying. You should make decisions based on the state of the kid. Do you support the pretence? Yes, sometimes you have to pretend to make things look right. Because you are raising somebody who is coming up you don't want to show him the negative side of the world. You want to show him when he grows up to age you will understand what life is and how to go about life. But when he is young you should not know that you two don't get along. I want you to get practical with this. We quarreled the whole night we were exchanging the whole night you are a dog you are a what so the whole night you've exchanged and then in the morning you meet and the kid is there. So you go hug her what do you do? I want you to practicalize this pretence that things are okay. Are you talking about people who are together or people who are not together? People who are not together but tomorrow you are going to meet your kid your boy or your girl but the previous night you had a quarrel. And it's not the right time to meet the kid. So you cancel the meeting? Yes, yes. And then talk over the issue first because you know you should not expose that child to the violence that you two can have in exchange of words and then you know one thing that most people don't understand about kids kids are very brilliant and the fact that the reason why they are so brilliant maybe is the fact that their brains are still empty when you are still a kid there is nothing in your mind. So even if I throw an insult that sticks to his mind or her mind. So that is something that parents should really take question of the words that you speak around your kid so when you get you don't get along with your baby dad, your baby mama over the night and then you want to come and see the kid you know to avoid uttering things that might affect they are bringing on the kid and what have you then just cancel or postpone or talk first your issues. You are scheduled a meeting I want you to understand that you are scheduled a meeting but you quarrel so you cancel this meeting. I don't think I can cancel because even in marriages people argue, people fight but do you bring those marriages in front of your kids? No you don't you go somewhere and sort out your issues then in the presence of the kids you are just normal you are good you are loving you see so I don't think you should cancel unless it's just you don't know it's worse Yeah shit happens and somebody says shit happens everywhere in all relationships whether it's marriage or maybe you are separate people argue I asked you of those who deny the kids opportunity to meet their dads because they have bad bloods what do you think? I don't think that's right because whether you deny the father or not he will still remain the father forever yes it doesn't change it should just be there and there is no need of introducing the kid to someone else and you want them to call that other person the father and yet the father is still there there are kids there are kids out here that have been shown more than 4 people as their father meet daddy after some time meet daddy unless sometimes the kid doesn't know who is daddy and who is not dad yesterday I was watching NTV that is when Tachil show when Nazizi was having a talk with Tachila and this I'm just going to quote what she said she also experienced this extra marriage she got a kid out of marriage and she was explaining that the kid is called Zafari she was explaining that she was very careful she has been very careful not to expose men to a child because she don't want the baggage of you meeting this guy and then they break up now the kid has to know the person know another person as the father you understand that so what I think ladies should really do especially single mothers single mothers that is if you knot together with your make sure that your relationship until it's certain that is when you can introduce your kid to the guy the time is really on our neck because he started late but tell us how often you think a father and an extra marital kid should meet the bond should be maybe every week or every weekend they meet every weekend and catch up catch up because the mother maybe has been with the kid throughout the week so maybe even the weekends or maybe on Saturday or maybe pick the kid on Friday and then he turn him on Sunday that is if it's comfortable with the mother do you think so also yeah true and to add on that the parent who is maybe absent maybe the mum is the one who is not around or the dad I think should create time even to go to school and see what the child is doing performing talk to the teachers yeah so that if you know how your child is you can easily get along with the child because of time let's talk finances there is a trend in this country there are people who are living ladies living entirely on child support from the dad that they have left working they know is that dad should send such amount of money so there are two situations dad don't send and then ladies who entirely depend on that they don't do anything else I don't know who cover eyes on on their net there is a new comment on that I don't think a lady should depend entirely because anything can happen if they ok if God forbid if the dad sleeps and never wakes up what will you do then on the other hand at least if you are a nice dad it's not a must you support your baby mama but it is the right thing to do I think you should support for the sake of the kid on your estimation how much should a dad send monthly good enough to make the child comfortable depending on the social status of the dad and the kid all respond to this question is first we love to look this is a situation where for instance I get a kid with Janet and she gets remarried or she gets married because we were not married and then you see in that situation it's entirely on my kid because she has a husband and she has a house that can take care of her needs so my responsibility will be only on our kid that we got together so I will know maybe if it's cool and if it's clothing these are things that you can do you can shock them and bring them but you see when she is not married she is single as she is to some point she should not suffer because of me so for the well-being of the kid I love to even pay the accommodation where they stay because if she is not married then I love to take care of where they stay because that is also where the kid will have to stay or maybe we know the problem with the ladies that we have seen is they over quote when you have a child with this lady and then she notices that you are married so she will want to live the life that you live with your wife which is not true which will not be the case I wish I had enough time to discuss how you should relate now with the husband of your baby mama because I think it's a whole mess again imagine you staying with a woman and a kid but this kid has a father somewhere who really wants to be seen this kid describe this mess and how you think this relationship should be like your husband I am not saying you have a child outside but how do you want your husband and your baby daddy to relate I think if you are married to that husband you should clearly understand that you have a baby outside and accept the child so it's between the two of you to decide it should be a decision made by the couple whether you need support from the other one or maybe you can just take care of your things to avoid that but the men were just heretic they want their kids I don't care who marries you but so and so is my child so whatever I want whenever I want him I will come and see him you have to have an appointment to see your kid because this is another relationship you don't want to ruin this relationship so it's a matter of communication I think this will depend on the man or the men the men if the lady is remarried or if she is married now and we have a child together and maybe she is so certain that this is the guy who I will live with for the rest of my life then it's also appropriate for this man the man to understand that now this lady has a child and she has somebody else that is not me because they will be staying together that means this child will also grow up thinking now this might be the dad but this is a discussion now that should come between the mother and the father outside the baby because sometimes this thing might ruin the relationship that is ongoing because when this toxic I want to call him toxic the guy that is outside when he wants to come to the life of this kid maybe this kid also maybe the current dad is fond of him how should I put it the father who is not the biological father of this kid because children are likeable children are likeable and now they live happily and they stay well the biological father wants to come in think that's an issue when a baby mama gets married it's now time that if he has the right guy he should give them some space as we wind up how can you feel now you are this other man and your wife tells you that I am taking the kid to see the dad in his house how can you feel your wife tells you that I am going to my baby daddy to give him the kid he wants to see the kid can't you feel insecure every man will feel insecure you know for people who have had their own relationship anything can happen things can turn down you can accompany them you can accompany them or all the same the guy can be coming or they can be meeting not at his place just somewhere central meet as a central place so the guy can be coming and picking the child in 15 seconds talk to that man who has a kid out there and then another 15 seconds talk to that lady ok so to the gentleman kama uko apo na kuna mtoto inje it's not an offence or it's not a crime to have a child outside a marriage or if not married but be responsible know what they eat know what they drink know what they cloth know where they stay just be responsible because that's not your responsibility that's your trademark and for the ladies make man that will again spoil the relationship and then let your kid have time with the dad because that is also important they are bringing they will hate you for sheltering your baby daddy outside their life if you know what's the best for your kids they need both of you because both of you are the parents so have time for them thank you to baby daddy do not ruin this other relationship in the name of wanting your kid wanting kid but with communication you can find a way of meeting your kid to the husband to the heirs be supportive to your wife in this baby daddy yes you can just take your wife baby daddy can just come and pick the kid go have fun then bring the kid back you've not talked to the lady I think ladies should be wise and before you select someone make sure you make the right decision I'm giving you the final statistics is that most of A students are students who get the support of both dad and mom please don't bring somebody here on earth neglect him be there and it's not all about man it's about your presence so that the kid knows that my dad is who and who there's nothing traumatizing us since other children calling somebody dad and then you don't have somebody to call dad so in the first place avoid a situation that can make you kid outside marriage in all situations because it's always heretic it's always problematic so this has been why in the morning I've been very happy to have Byron and Janet in this conversation it's been very nice it's been very educative and this is what happens when you watch Y254 so till next time salutes