 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music and first in television, presents transcribe the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. Your enjoyment here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show, written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Janine Ruse, and with Bill, Walter Sharpen is music, and yours truly, Bill Forman. Through the years, new inventions have speeded the wheels of progress, but today, Phil Harris slows them down to a grinding halt. More about that later. First a word from RCA Victor. Alice will tell you, I'm pretty handy around the house. Now like if a light bulb goes, they call for old Phil, and I screw in a new bulb. But if a radio or TV set goes on the blink, don't nobody call for Phil, because you need an expert like my friend here, Warren Charles. Well, it just doesn't pay to tinker around with an expensive instrument like your radio or TV set, Phil. It costs less in the long run to call for a qualified local service man. He has the technical knowledge and the required test equipment to help him do the job right. And here's another hint. Look for the service man in your neighborhood who features RCA tubes in his service work. They're the finest tubes money can buy, and yet they cost you no more. There you are, folks. The word of an expert. When your radio or TV set breaks down, have your local service man fix it with dependable RCA tubes for best results. And now the stars of the RCA Victor program, Alice Bay and Phil Harris. Last week, Phil called Mr. Scott of RCA Victor and told him he was coming down to see him about the renewal of his radio contract for next year. As we look in, Phil and Elliot are in Mr. Scott's outer office waiting to see him. Hey, Curly, I think Mr. Scott is treating you shabbily. He's got a lot of nerve making you wait in a reception room like this. After all, you're a big man. You're the star of his radio show, and he shouldn't keep you waiting so long. It hasn't been so long. We've only been here three days. And three nights. I'm getting tired of camping out here. It's not only embarrassing, it's uncomfortable, too. Oh, it isn't that bad. You just might... Hey, what time is it? Uh, 10 a.m. Ooh, it's getting late. We better get out of these sleeping bags and shave. We gotta look neat, you know. He might see us today. I know he's in the office, and I guarantee he's gonna see us sometime. What makes you so sure? Well, I'll prove it to you by his secretary. Um, Ms. Livingston, is there any other entrance to Mr. Scott's office besides this one? No, there isn't. You see, we got him trapped. He has to come out sometime. Yes, Mr. Scott? Ms. Livingston, are they still out there? Yes, sir. Oh, no. I can't stand much more of this. I haven't seen my wife and children for three days. I haven't touched food since Tuesday. I've been living on old blotters and art gum erases. I even missed dragnet last night. I wonder if Sergeant Friday got his man. Now, Ms. Livingston, does Harris look like he's weakening? No, sir. He woke up fresh as a daisy this morning. What's he doing now? He's scrambling eggs over a can of sternum. Do you think you can steal an egg for me? Never mind. I can't stand it any longer. I'll see him. Send him in. Yes, sir. Mr. Scott, we'll see you now, Mr. Harris. Tell him we don't want to see him. That big crook trying to steal an egg from us? We'll see him. We'll see him. That's what we're waiting for. I can't wait to ask him if he's gonna pick up my option for next year. Maybe if I ask him real nice. Curly, you're not gonna go in and beg for your job, are you? Of course not. I'll be independent. I'm gonna open that door to his office and walk right up to him on my knees like this. Then you'll look him right square in the belt buckle and tell him off. Curly, don't go crawling in. Don't let him think you're anxious for the job. Keep him guessing. Keep him guessing, huh? Okay, let's go in. Good morning, Mr. Scott. Good morning, Harris. Mr. Scott, what has six legs and flies? What's that for? You told me to keep him guessing? No, no, no, Curly. I mean be noncommittal. When he talks to you, don't say yes right away. Show him you're not too interested. Just say maybe. Okay. Will you two stop muttering and get down to business? Now, what's on your mind, Harris? Maybe. Well, that's a nice stupid start. Shall we go on from here? What did you want to see me about? Oh, Mr. Scott, it's about my contract. I hear that you want to renew my radio show for next year. Where did you hear that? A little birdie told me. Next time you see that birdie, kick him in the pin feathers. He's lying to you. Oh, you're just kidding me, Mr. Scott. You know something? You're a smart businessman, and you won't let me go. Only a dope would miss the chance to sign Phil Harris for next year. And one thing about you, sir, you're not a dope. No, who told you that? He does it good. Look, Mr. Scott, I'm not going to beat around the bush any longer. I want just one answer. You want me for next year? Not particularly. Now, look, Mr. Scott, I want this job, but I'm not going to beg. I'll give you an ultimatum. What kind of an ultimatum? You sign me up for next year, or I'll kill myself. Now, what's your answer? Can I have a little time to think it over? It has possibilities that I'd love to explore. Now, please, Mr. Scott, don't toy with me. Look, I'm a man with a family. Now, I got to know if I'm going to be working next year or not. Now, calm down, Harris. Calm down. Your radio show has been renewed for next year, and you can thank the RCA Victor Board of Directors. It was their suggestion. Well, bless their long-playing bankrolls. Now, will you please sign the contract, Harris? I'm having the Board of Directors over to my home for dinner tonight, and I want to show them that I carried out their ridiculous suggestion. Yes, sir. I'll sign it all right. Yes, sir. By the way, Mr. Scott, I don't like to mention this, but I've been with you for three years, and I'd like to talk to you about my salary. What about it? I'd like to get one this year. Now, why do you need a salary, Harris? You know, whenever you need money, you come to us and we give it to you. Like the time your wife needed $3 for a new iron, we gave you the money. And when you told us your children had holes in their shoes and needed a new pair, you didn't have any trouble with us. As soon as our investigators saw the holes, we gave you the money. Well, you're very kind to my family, sir, but it's very degrading to me personally. Every time I buy a new suit, I have to take the board of directors along to okay the price. It's very embarrassing to get a fitting of Jim Clintons with all them guys' feel in the material. Well, Harris, perhaps we'd give you a salary if you showed more interest in the company like our other employees. They're always making suggestions for the improvement of our products. That's why our products are tough. Oh, we know that. Don't we, Elliott? Oh, yeah, RCA Victor makes the best tops in the country. They spin good. All right. Mr. Scott, maybe I have been a little negligent, but I assure you that from now on I'm going to do nothing but think of ways to help RCA Victor. Come on, Elliott, we got a lot of work to do. So long, Mr. Scott. So long, Mr. Scott. Where we going, Curly? We're going home and figure out some way to keep our sponsor and I think I know just the way to do it. I'm going to record a hit tune for him and I've got just the tune. Come on, Elliott, I'll sing it for you on the way home. Oh, good. Oh, good. Oh, good. Oh, good. Gee, well, it's good to be home again after three days. Poor Alice, I bet she's been lonesome without me. Come on, let's get in the house. Hey, Alice, the love of your life is here, darling. Leave two quarts and a pint of cream, dear. Oh, I got to buy her a cow. Fuck is that, Alice? It's me, it's your husband. Oh, I knew it was you, Phil. I'm only kidding. How did you make out with Mr. Scott? What kind of a contract did you sign? Just one of the best. I got everything just the way I wanted it. Did you get a raise? Oh, yeah, next year he's allowed to buy a suit with two pair of pants. With options for a vest. All right. Well, aren't they ever going to give you a salary? No, honey, don't worry. Mr. Scott said they might consider it if I showed a little more interest in the company and came up with some ideas for them. I'd give anything in the world if I could think of something, just something. Hey, honey, why don't you speak to my brother William? He always has such good ideas. You mean we, Willie Faye, the inventor of the fiberglass tuning fork? He couldn't think of a way to get out. Alice, Alice, I couldn't wait to get over here to tell you the good news. Guess what happened to me? Your oatmeal cookies won first prize in the bake-off. Don't be a Weisenheimer. I've invented something. You invented something, Willie? In this box is one of the greatest inventions of all times. I've invented a portable ice-making machine. Oh, isn't that peachy? Why don't you stop, Willie? They've already got an ice-making machine. It's called a Dairy Queen. It makes them cones with the curl on top. They're delicious. No, no, no, Philip. My machine makes ice cubes. I don't care what you're m- Ice cubes? Doc, you just struck a nerve. Elliot, this boy's starting to make sense. Why, yeah. This is the kind of an item that our hot little breaths have melted quite a few hours. Hey, Willie, did you say that this machine is portable? Hey, that's right, sis. And you don't need electricity or gas to run it. This machine contains a secret chemical compound. When you push this lever, a chemical reaction takes place which causes ice cubes to be formed. Amazing. Uh, astounding. How many cubes will this little machine make, Willie? Well, there's enough chemical compound in here now to make over a hundred thousand cubes. Just think, Philip, a hundred thousand ice cubes. You know what that means? Sure. Let's see, add ten cubes to a nice pack. You've got a cure for over ten thousand hangovers. Oh, I should have known better than to talk to you. Come, Alice, let's go into the other room and I'll explain it to you. I'm going to take this machine to RCA and let them put it on the market as a home appliance. You know, he's got something there, Curly? Certainly I know, I know. Here I am looking for an idea for RCA and that little twerp comes in with it. I wish I had the brains to think of something like this. Curly, you underestimate yourself. You have more brains than Willie. You can invent a machine just like that one and bring it to RCA before he does. How? Steal his. I'm not going to steal anything from him. All I want to do is to get rid of him so I can borrow his machine. To rid him, huh? If I could only get him drafted. I like that. I know a way I can make him think he's drafted. Hand me that phone. Operator. Operator, there seems to be something wrong with my phone. Would you ring me back, please? Very well, sir. Hang up, please. We don't have for it, Curly. Don't you get it? When the operator calls back, the extension phone in the living room will ring and when Willie answers it, I'll tell him it's his draft board calling. Good. Make it sound urgent, Curly. Tell him he's got to come down right away so he'll leave his invention here. Just leave it there. Hello? Hello? Hello is Mr. William Fay there. Speaking. Who is this? This is your draft board. Where have you been, you naughty boy? What do you mean where have I been? I didn't receive any notice to report to my draft board. You didn't? Yes, you must feel neglected. But don't you fret, if you come down here right now, we'll make it up for you. Well, if it's my time, I'll be glad to go. Stop, fellow. Knock it down here right away. Yes, sir. It worked, Curly, like a charm. Shall we go in and see Willie off? Let's. Come on. Willie, hey Willie, where are you? I want to talk to you about this. I don't have time now, Phillip. I have to leave. I just received a call from my draft board and I have to get down there right away. No! You mean you've been called to the collars? I can't believe it. How can you act so surprised when you were the one who... Shut up! I'm so proud of you, Willie. Too bad we didn't know about this sooner or we would have thrown a party to see you off. It's too late for that now, honey, so let's just sing him off. Go ahead, Alice. You start. All right. I hear singing and there's no one there. I smell blossoms on the trees up there. All day long I seem to walk on air. I wonder why, I wonder why. I keep tossing in my sleep at night. And what's more, I lost my appetite. Stars that used to twinkle in the skies are twinkling In my eyes, I wonder why. You don't need analyzing, it is not so surprising That you feel very strange but nice. Your hot gold spitter patter, we know just what's the matter Because we've been there once or twice. Put your head on our shoulder, you need someone who's older Or up down with a velvet glove. There is nothing you can take to relieve that pleasant ache. You're not sick, you're just in love. I hear singing and there's no one there. I smell blossoms on the trees up there. All day long I seem to walk on air. I wonder why, I wonder why. I keep tossing in my sleep at night. And what's more, I lost my appetite. Stars that used to twinkle in the skies are twinkling You're not sick, you're just in love. We're just, we're just in love. Well, Alice, while you were singing, I've been thinking. You know something that's a shame. Willie comes up with this wonderful ice machine. He was going to take the RCA Victor. And now it's just going to sit there and rot. Yes, it does seem it. Hey, I've got an idea, Phil. Why don't you take it over to RCA Foreign? Alice, that's a splendid success. You know something that never occurred to me. I'm going to do it right now. Mr. Scott's having the board of directors over to his house for dinner, and then they can all see it. And by the way, Willie left the blueprints of the machine with me. I'll go upstairs and get them. Yeah, you do that, honey. She goes long good with a gag. Oh, it's a lot easier than I thought. Hey, Curly, let's get the machine over to Mr. Scott's house. Wait till he sees these little ice cubes come pouring out. Wait a minute, wait a minute. How do we know that the ice cubes come pouring out, pouring out? We never saw this thing work. We better test it before we take it over. I don't want to make a fool of myself when I get there. OK, let's test it. Hey, Curly, what's this little pail for? That there? Yeah. Well, that must be to catch the ice cubes. That's cute. Let's see now. Willie said to turn it on, you push the lever down. Uh-oh, here's the lever. I'll push it down, shall we? Yeah, go ahead, push. Hey, listen. Here it started. Yeah. I don't see no ice cubes coming out. Well, maybe it takes a little time. Yeah, you know what? No, I see what's wrong, Curly. It's vibrating and the lid on top is loose. It keeps jumping up and down. Yeah, that must be it. This thing is probably supposed to be airtight, huh? Must be. I got an idea. I'll just sit on the lid and hold it down. You get up to the bottom. There. Hey, that did it. There goes my first ice cube. Another one. Yeah. What a boy, Curly. They're coming out faster now. Eggs, they're ice cubes. You just be quiet. What happens to be a new invention? It's an ice-making machine. Honey, here are the blueprints. Oh, good. Now these will show Mr. Scott and the board of directors just how the machine works. Thanks, honey. Come on, Elliot. Let's get this machine over to Mr. Scott's house. Oh, hey, Julius. Have you got your delivery truck with you? Yeah, why? Well, we can use it to cart the machine over to Mr. Scott's house. Come on. Help us carry it out to your truck. Harris, what's the idea of bursting into my house like this? I signed your contract. Why don't you go away and leave me alone already? Mr. Scott, you're going to thank me for bursting in on you. I came here with an invention that... You invented something? What is it? A non-skid bar rail? No. Well, make a note of that, Elliot. Mr. Scott, this is a nice cube-making machine, and will your board of directors seize this work? Now please, Harris, my board of directors are inside having dinner, and I don't want to disturb them. Oh, no, no. We won't disturb them. They can keep on eating while I demonstrate. Julius, carry the machine over and put it on the table in front of the dining room. Right. Harris, Harris. Look, you're going to thank me for this, Mr. Scott. Elliot. Yeah. Open the dining room doors. Right. Gentlemen, your attention, please. Gentlemen, I hear a machine that makes 100,000 ice cubes. But look, rather than talk about it, I'll let you see it work. Julius, when we turn the machine on, you keep counting and show Mr. Scott, huh? Right. All right, Elliot. Start the machine. Okay, Curly. How about that, Mr. Scott? Watch it work. Well, I'll be done. Ice cubes are coming out. Well, Harris, this is a great invention. Elliot, you can turn it off now. RCA will certainly be interested in seeing. Well, Elliot, I said you could turn it off now. I got a message for you, Scotty. What? When I forced the lever down to turn it on, it snapped and I can't turn it off. But you've got to turn it off. Ice cubes are starting to form at the dining room. Harris, do something. I'm trying. I'm trying. Harris, haven't you found some way to shut that machine off yet? Oh, this is terrible. Ice all over the place. My poor board of directors look after them. I think they look nice in case the nights. They're all frozen stiff like statues. Look at that one with his coffee cup halfway up to his mouth. I like the one that's about to light a cigar. Will you idiots do? My house is being ruined. It can't take much more. My dining room, living room, kitchen, and dinner are filled with ice. Well, don't get excited. You still got two bedrooms and a half a bathroom to go. Keep count, Julius. We may set a record tonight. Alison Phil will be back in just a moment. Whether you're an old salt who likes to set sail or a landlubber who likes to be on the go, the perfect radio for you is the Yachtsman, the newest of RCA Victor's famous portable radios. It's great going with the Yachtsman, the smallest three-way portable ever made by RCA Victor. Carry it wherever you go from town to country or from room to room. But don't let its small size fool you. The tone you get from the Yachtsman is big and full. That's because the Yachtsman has RCA Victor's exclusive golden throat tone system, the perfected balance of amplifier, speaker, and cabinet. The Yachtsman operates on batteries and also on AC or DC current. So it's ideal as a second radio around the house too. Plug it in and listen while you work or play. Let the kids enjoy it in their own room. Keep it on your bedside table. It's handsome enough to fit in anywhere. The Yachtsman comes in a choice of four color combinations. Its durable plastic case can take lots of travelware and still look bright as new. Drop into your RCA Victor dealers and see the Yachtsman, the newest portable radio by RCA Victor. We're a leader in radio. Folks, this is Phil again. The summer months are here and you'll all be out on the road driving to the beach or to the mountains. Drive carefully, no matter where you go and you'll be sure to make the return trip. One careless moment can mean years of regret. It can result in your death or the death of your loved ones. Don't speed or try to beat out the other fella. Take a tip from the guys who spend most of their time on the highway. The professional truck drivers. They know that little courtesy on the road can pay big dividends in life's save. Don't be in a hurry to get where you're going. It may take you a little longer to get there, but you'll get there. Thanks and good night. Good night, everybody. Included in this program, transcriber Janet Waldo and Gail Gorton, a part of Julius was played by Walter Tetley. No matter what size or make a portable radio you own, remember it's only as good as its batteries. So be sure your portable runs on batteries that have been specially designed for radio operation. RCA batteries. The best way to make sure is to do business with the expert who knows radios inside and out, your local radio service dealer. When your radio needs new batteries, be sure to have your local dealer install the batteries that have been engineered for longer listening hours. RCA radio batteries. You'll want to listen to three years of Korea on NBC.