 Section 1 of the Celesyclopedia. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. The Celesyclopedia. A terrible thing in the form of a literary torpedo, which is launched for hilarious purposes only. Inaccurate in every particular, containing copious etymological derivations and other useless things. By no-a-lot. An ex-relative of no-a-webster. Lives of great men all remind us life is really not worthwhile if we cannot leave behind us some excuses for a smile. To my automobile, which when I read it some of these brain-throbs jumped over the fence, climbed a telegraph pole, burst its cylinder head, exploded all its tires, and then turned around and barked at me. Abbreviations used in this work. A, B, at the bat. B, I, but in. C, O, catch on. D, T, L, down the line. E, S, easy street. I, T, N, in the neck. I, U, T, Y, it's up to you. I, F, M, I'm from Missouri. M, M, T, S, make mine the same. N, G, nice gentleman. O, T, L, on the level. P, D, Q, pass the butter. T, L, the limit. Preface. Some eighteen months ago, I took this brilliant bunch of brain-burrs to my esteemed publisher, and with much enthusiasm, invited him to spend a lot of money thereon. The main stem in the works informed me that he had his fingers on the public pulse, and just as soon as that pulse began to jump and yell for something from my fiery pen, he would throw the silly sycopedia at it. Then he placed my manuscript in the forward turret of his steel armoured safe, gave me a fairly good cigar, and began to look hard in the direction of the elevator. Last week, while searching for some missing government bonds, my publisher found my sadly neglected manuscript. He at once reached over and grabbed the public pulse. To his astonishment, it was jumping and making signs in my direction. In a frenzied effort to make up for lost time, my publisher then yelled feverishly for a printer. Enclosed, please find the result. In the meantime, however, I figure that I have lost forty-one thousand eight hundred ninety-four point all three dollars in royalties, seventy-four dollars worth of glory, and about fourteen cents worth of fame. Tough, isn't it? I think my publisher should be censured for going out golfing and taking his fingers off the public pulse. Don't you? Know a lot. Chestnut Hill, June the 12th, 1905. A. A flush fool. A man can drop a lot of dough trying to pick up money. A fool and his money are soon spotted. An accommodation liar soon learns to run like an express. A guilty conscience needs no accuser if you catch him at it. A. An adjective commonly called the indefinite article because the higher, the fewer. Abba. A French word meaning scat. A sharp. A musical term which cannot be explained here because the musical union might get sore. A flat. A people coop. Seven rooms and a landlord with hot and cold gas and running servants. A flat is the poor relation of an apartment. A broad. A place where people go to be cured of visiting foreign lands. Abscond. To duck with the dough. From the Latin word abscondito meaning to grab the long green and hike for the bad lands. Absinthe. The national headache of the French. A jag builder which is mostly wormwood and bad dreams. A liquid substance which when applied to a holdover revivifies it and enables its owner to sit up and notice the bartender. Abstain. The step ladder which leads up to the water wagon. Abstaneous. Having an aisle seat on the water wagon. Acrobat. A fellow of infinite chest. Accumulate. To collect or bring together. For example, he borrowed two dollars from his wife whereupon he went out and accumulated a bunch of boozerine. Carlile's heroes and hero worship. A thing of beauty. A joy forever until we get used to it. Alcohol. The forefather of a holdover. Boozerine in the raw state. From the Latin words alcohol and whole meaning he's south to the booby hatches, hold him to the alcove. See Lord Macaulay's Jags of ancient Rome. Ambition. The only disease which laziness can cure. Amusement. The hard work a man does on the golf links to give himself an appetite for sausage links. Angel. Something behind a show. And always something behind. Ape. To imitate. For instance, the man who imitates his batters is the easiest man to make a monkey off. Aplause. The fuss which we think the world ought to make over us for doing our duty. Automobile. A hoarseless idea which makes people go fast and the money go faster. A tide in the affairs of man which, taken between the shoulder blades and the curb stone, leads on to the hospital. Axe grinding. The art practiced by those who give you a cookie so they can touch you for a barrel of flour. The axe grinding industry had its origin in the Garden of Eden. The serpent was extremely partial to Ottoman, so he gave Eve a nice red apple, and in exchange she gave the serpent an early fall. See Lord Macaulay, page 34. Airship. A machine invented for the purpose of flying through the newspapers. See M. Santos Dumont. In case he isn't in when you call, a part of his autobiography is printed herewith. My first yearning, writes M. Santos, see page 97, was for an opportunity to rise in the world. When but a little boy, my dearest wish was to get up to the top of the ladder and then have someone remove the ladder. If I stayed up, I knew I was successful. If I came down, I didn't know anything for a week or two. The reader will notice a peculiarity about this gentleman's name. It starts off with M, and then there is eight bars rest until it comes to Santos. This is a French custom. Every man in France begins his first name with M, and then refuses to tell the rest of it. It seems such a stingy habit. Let us quote more from M Dumont's own story. My first desire to get off the earth happened while I was extremely young. One day, while out in the Brazilian diamond fields, picking the luscious white stones from the trees, it suddenly occurred to me what a frivolous life I was leading. Diamonds, diamonds everywhere, and not a place to pawn. I became restless. My father owned the diamond plantation, so I went to him and explained what a tired feeling I had and how I longed to rise in the world. Father at once turned about fifteen volts into his right shoe, and I rose for a distance of four feet. I returned almost immediately, but this short flying trip made a deep impression upon my mind and otherwise. Ten years later, I left home just to convince my father that I could rise in the world without his kindly collaboration. One day while in New York, I went up to the fifty-ninth floor of a sky-remover building. The elevator was extremely nervous that day. While coming down, I was pained and surprised to observe that my stomach did not travel with me. I spoke to the Chargis d'affaires of the elevator about it. I complained bitterly to him about such an inhuman invention which rushed through space with a man's exterior and left his interior to bump its way downstairs. The Chargis d'affaires of the elevator told me if I did not like it to get out and fly. That was the inspiration which drove me to build the flying machine. Two weeks later, I went to Paris, because that is the flyest city in the world. The Silly Cyclopedia by Noah Lott, B and C Beauty is only a skin game after all. Bad beginners make bad finishers. Birds of a feather flock together on the theater hats. Be sure you're ahead. Then go right. B. The second letter of the alphabet. It's called a vocal labial consonant, which no doubt serves it right. B. To make a noise like a sheep. Bow wow. To make a noise like a dog. Biff. To make a noise like a boxing glove. Baggage. Two shirts, some underwear, one suit of clothes, six collars and a hairbrush, which you lost somewhere between here and Chicago. Bad actor. A man who is egged on by ambition and egged off by the audience. Bad an edge. Light or playful discourse. For example, why does a chicken cross the street? Because of the butcher. Bar. A place where men go to get a thirst so that they can go there again to quench their thirst. Beethoven's Sonata. An excuse some women use for beating the face off a piano. Bigamist. A man that adds one and then has two to carry. Blonde. An abbreviation of peroxide of hydrogen. Breeze. A condition in the atmosphere which generally arises on a cold day to make it colder and stays away on a hot day to make it warmer. It is supposed to inhabit the windows, but when you look for it on a summer night, all you see is the gent next door chaperoning the growler. Bundle. A load of preserves. From the Norwegian bun meaning high tide. Yesterday he annexed a bundle and this morning he sits on the front steps singing soft lullabies to a holdover. Shakespeare page 18. Charity begins at home and ruins its health by staying there too much. Children who are wayward grow up to be people who fall by the wayside. Cougen says there's no place like home and he congratulates the other places. Consistency is a jewel, but it isn't fashionable to wear it. See the third letter of the alphabet. It is also used in music especially by prima donnas who try to reach it and fall flat. Cab. A machine invented for the purpose of going somewhere, but which seldom gets there. An inland tugboat. Cad. A shine with extra polish on. Calamity. A loudmouthed individual who insists upon telling still jokes. Cash. The stuff we work for work other people for and are worked for. Synonyms. Bones. Cash. Coin. Doe. Ducats. Longreens. Mazuma. And one thousand others. Charity. Something which begins at home and stays at home every day except Sunday when it goes to church to talk about itself. Cinch. When a man starts out with a bundle of money and a bundle of booze it's a cinch that he drops the money first. Cold feet. A punishment for those that stand around and wait for dead men's shoes. Compliments. Things which some people fish hard enough for to catch a sea serpent. Confidence man. The noblest work of fraud. Conclusion. Something a woman jumps at in the same manner in which she jumps off a streetcar. Which is backwards. Conscience. The alarm clock on a man's mind which is seldom wound up. Consistency. A jewel which isn't appreciated as a Christmas present. Contentment. A large open-faced gentleman telling his friends how he self-made himself. Copper fastened cinch. A good-looking widow who is made up her mind to marry again. Courtship. Loves excursion boat just before it strikes the rough sea of matrimony. Crook. A man who says nobody is straight. Cook. Something which makes up her mind to stay in the kitchen and then loses her mind. A product of modern society who has for her motto, de mendu contralto dum-dum. Which means she who cooks and runs away will live to cook another day. Crow. A bird politicians would eat after election if they were not so busy drinking. Czar. An illustration of the old proverb, uneasy lies the king when falls the ace. The following letter written by the Czar to Tolstoy probably illustrates better than any other document, the pleasant and health-giving conditions under which the Czar lives and reigns. In the cellar. Today. Dear Tolstoy. My hands tremble a little in the armor-plated gloves, so you must excuse bad spelling. They have just handed me a small bunch of asbestos writing paper, and the fountain pen has been sterilized to remove the poison. So I will write you. Great Scott Otovich. You can never enjoy the feelings of anxiety which gallops over me when I wake up in the morning and wonder will the hard-boiled eggs explode before I eat my breakfast. At six o'clock this morning I was awakened by a scratching noise on the iron quilt which covers my repose. A cold perspiration broke out on my forehead. I buried my head in the hardwood pillows and waited the end. Just then, M. Stepupsky, the minister of the Department of Bombshells, walked through the secret tunnel in the wall. I threw the aluminum blanket off my face and cried, What is it? What is it? Partonovsky, your majesty, said M. Stepupsky. It is the cat. Whether it is a trained cat carrying a deadly bombshell in the forward turret, I don't know. But we will investigate Shunosky at once. My minister coaxed the cat away, and five minutes later a loud explosion confirmed M. Stepupsky's story that the cat's bosom contained something more than nine lives. It also confirmed M. Stepupsky because he had been strangely absent ever since together with a stained glass window and a lot of new furniture. Take my advice, Tolstoy, and don't be a royalty. I say this is one friend to another and not because I have to wear copper fastened pajamas. I don't mind the copper fastened pajamas so much, but to wear asphalt, neckties, and barbed wire suspenders is something which aggravates the spirit. At 8am this morning, M. Kornmilsky, the minister of the Department of Armored Breakfast, reported that he had discovered something suspicious in a dish of peeled prunes. We examined the prunes carefully and found them stuffed with free tickets to ride on the Brooklyn Elevated Railroad. We burned the tickets hastily and saved our lives again. M. Kornmilsky reports that up to day 219 different breakfast foods have been received at the palace kitchen. He says they range all the way from consolidated shavings to perforated sawdust, and here and there some compressed knot holes. In a mad moment yesterday, I took the yell off my appetite and ordered up one of those breakfast food samples, but just as I had the spoonful at my lips I remembered the prayer of my youth, would men spare that tree, and once more my life was saved. Ten minutes ago, M. Black and Bluesky, the minister of the Department of Witch Hazel rushed into my bulkhead compartment. A kooksy, your Majesty, said the minister, but this morning the kooksy was burning a few links of sausage for breakfast. Well, your Majesty, about two minutes afterward, the kooksy and the stove in one side of the palace left in a hurry and went away in a northwesterly direction. We don't expect them back because the sausage was stuffed with rapid transit material, your Majesty. Thus it goes all day. Don't you think it is pretty hard line when I have to make them wash the water on both sides before putting it in the teapot? Now I must stop because I hear the humming of the harpoons on the outside. My officers are talking about me again. Farewell, Ski. Customs Inspector, an individual who gets salary for believing that everybody on the steamboat is a smuggler. In order to study briefly the custom house system as applied to returning travelers, let us witness the arrival from abroad of the Secretary of the Treasury. Some years before the Secretary went into politics deep enough to stay there and make expenses, he took a slight trip to Europe. Two weeks later he was on his way home to his beloved land on the good ship Kaiser Wilhelm, the Grocer. The stars and stripes seemed to wave a welcome to him as he approached the hospitable shores of Fire Island. It is good, so good to breathe once more the air of liberty, said the Secretary, and ten minutes later the Kaiser Wilhelm the Grocer was at her dock. Ah, how happy I am to be once more where freedom reigns, said the Secretary as he walked profoundly down the gangway plank. Wait! The Speaker was a short-set man with a thick face and a wide voice. The Secretary pawed his cheeks. Who are you? I'm an American citizen. Leave me pass, explained the Secretary. So am I, said the man with a thick face, and nothing passes me. You have been to Europe, have you not? Do you think I used the Kaiser Wilhelm the Grocer to come from Staten Island? As the Secretary, the man laughed loosely. Swear, he said. At you, inquired the Secretary, swear you are not a smuggler, said the Roan. I ought to kick you for such an insult, said the Secretary. Business before pleasure, said the man, swear that you are not a robber. I swear, said the Secretary, inwardly, outwardly, earnestly, and pictorially, I swear. By the memory of George Washington, do you swear that you are not a smugglesome man? I do, said the Secretary, hold up both hands and swear. The Secretary did so. With both hands behind your back and your eyes fixed on the Declaration of Independence, sign this sworn statement, said the man. The Secretary did so. Now that you have sworn, I will go through your trunk to see if you are a liar, said the man. Surely you should receive one of my best kicks, said the Secretary. Formally first, fun later, said the man, upsetting the large truck. Ah, what is this? It's a pair of open work socks, said the Secretary. Opened in Europe, yes, bad business, bad business. I begin to suspect you, what is this? That is a pipe which I bought and bought and bought, said the Secretary. I am taking it to my cousin in Springfield, Massachusetts for a souvenir. I will help your cousin to stop smoking, said the man, putting the pipe in his pocket. Aha, what is this? The Secretary blushed his face. What is this? That is my pair of pajamas, said the Secretary. Pajamas! Put them back, please, said the Secretary. Man's pajamas are not for the vulgar gaze of the world. Pajamas! said the man. My pajamas! said the Secretary. They look like a China man's Sunday trousers, yes. The Secretary looked into the pitless faces of the multitude which was gazing into his trunk, but they handed him nothing save, small bunches of laughter. Come, said the man. Where is the cheap that goes with this wearing apparel? Did you hear over the wireless system about the labor strikes and try to smuggle in some cheap labor? I assure you that I wear those pajamas myself, said the Secretary, interrupting a sob in his throat. You wear these pajamas? When? Why? Where? In the secrecy of my bourgeois, said the Secretary. Aha! said the man. So you have some bourgeois, too. Bad business, bad business. I have never heard of a bourgeois trust. Therefore, we do not make such a thing in this country. My suspicions are getting louder. What is in this bottle? That's my cough medicine, said the Secretary, giving a sample of the cough. It may be wine or cream de mint because your voice sounds nervous. I am nervous because the world is still giggling at my pajamas, said the Secretary. Back to the pajamas. Bad business, bad business. I will have to dig a tunnel through your neckties to see what you have. A café au lait or café chantonneuse in the trunk. When a man gets nervous, it is always wise to watch him open your mouth. The Secretary did so. What have you been drinking? A vermouthed cocktail, said the Secretary. Domestic or imported? Neither. The Captain treated, said the Secretary. It looks to me much like foreign spirits, said the man. Do you wish to open me further and see? inquired the Secretary. Then the man waited into the Secretary's other trunks. Two stepped over his negligee shirts, walked through his waistcoats, and did a poke amidst the ruins of his dress suit. What's the verdict, the Secretary asked after the battle was over? Not guilty, but you might be, said the man, smiling briefly. As the Secretary walked out, the stars and stripes seemed to bow politely at him and whisper with a voice slightly sarcastic, you for the seat away back. Some day, said the Secretary, I will jump into politics so far that my trunk will always be a dark secret to the Custom House. And he did it. From the life of the Secretary, we learned the lesson that there is much liberty in this country. But incidentally, there are a couple of bald spots where it is missing. If you don't believe me, come home from Europe some day by way of the Custom House. End of Section 2. D to G. D, do you know that a wise man can sometimes be a fool and get away with it? Don't go among doers if you don't want to be dead. Duty calls and finds most men holding nothing but a foreflush. Don't try to be a stinger if you don't want to get stung. D, the letter of the alphabet which always runs forth. Daisy, a twin sister to a peach, see, dream. Dan, a species of floodgates. By adding the letter N, the floodgates are loosened. Danzel, see, Daisy. Darling, see your best girl. Daffy, see a doctor. Dawn, the cold grey period, immediately following a red hot night. Delude, to take your wife by the hand and lead her away from the truth. Delusion, something which every man likes to hug, especially if she's pretty. Destiny, something which laughs at those who never say die. Describe, to give an account of. For instance, one woman giving a description of another woman's wearing a peril, oh, fudge. Dogs of war, animals that live on bones of contention. Drunkards, the monuments which whiskey erects all along the road to ruin. Dust, the material from which man is made, and that is the reason why woman sweeps all before her. E, everybody knows that money talks, but nobody notices what kind of gronger it uses. Evil be to him who evil drinketh. Every woman loves an ideal man until she marries him, then it's a new deal. Every time you stop and stare at success, it gets up and leaves the room. E, the fifth letter of the alphabet which is usually silent at the end of a word, quite unlike some women you know of, eh? E, a place which hears a great many things which should never have been said. Earth, an orange-shaped ball hanging in space and inhabited by two classes of people, to wit, clickers and more clickers. Eden, the garden where Adam and Eve baked the first apple pie and pied the human race. Ecstasy, a state in which the mind is carried away. For instance, if you are in a runaway automobile, you are in ecstasy until you hit a telegraph pole. After that, you are in a hospital. Egotist, a man who uses his brain for the purpose of believing that he is the greatest ever. Elbow, something you give a man you don't like. Easter, a season of the year devoted to new bonnets, overcoatless young men and pneumonia. A tide in the affairs of women which, taken at the pocketbook, leads on to the milleners. Elope, a hurried trip taken by two lovers for the purpose of wiring popper for funds to get home. Elocution, a disease which breaks out among students but which is fatal only to the spectators. Employer, a man who has a soft spot for a hard worker. Envy, the root of much criticism. Economy, a system practised by some men which permits their wives to wear last year's dresses so that they can buy better cigars. Experience, the best of all teachers because it's impossible for the scholar to run away from school. F, fine feathers make fine birds take to the woods. Failures made by other people pave the road to your success. Fortune wears rubber shoes and a feather pillow chained when she knocks on your door. Fair play is a jewel but so many people can't afford jewelry. F, the sixth letter of the alphabet. It is formed by the passage of the breath between the lower lip and the upper incisive teeth but that doesn't seem to worry it any. Fable, the story a man thinks his wife believes and she lets him zinc it. Fad, see, hobby. Fade, to gradually disappear, for example, I had ten plunks when I went out last night but they faded away. Lord Palmer stood in page 21. Fade, something we buy to make sure it isn't on the level. Fade, something which is said to move mountains but the railroad contractors always mix in a little dynamite to help matters along. Fault, something which is so easy to find but it is so hard to give it when we find it. Family, the only cure for race-suicide. Fade, something we do for a friend so he can forget about it. Flatterer, a man who makes friends until he begins to talk about himself. Forger, a man who tries to make a name for himself but who picks out the wrong name. Friend, a man who knows you are a liar but hopes otherwise. Friendship, the name of the handle some people put on other people for the purpose of using them. Football, a system of manslaughter very fashionable with boys. From the Latin words footibus meaning put the boots to him and beluna meaning up in the air or who hit me with a public building a body of college students surrounded by ambulances. For instance, seeing a song of football pockets full of salve foreign 20 legs all punctured at the car captain in the hospital fullback in the soup 27 faces broken in the group a freshman punched around the ring when the war was over the boys began to sing raw raw raw raw raw raw stew them fry them raw raw raw oysters. Gee, great oaths from little aching corns do grow great minds run in the same channel especially if they are sea captains. Gold is a dull metal but it can cut friendship quicker than a knife good names are better than grey riches and that is why so many of us have names without price. Gee, the seventh letter of the alphabet used by the ancients as an expression of surprise thus holy gee. Gab, the product of a bull-bearing chin. Gag, a joke rendered insensible by a third-rail comedian. Gas, a substance we make light of until the bill comes in. You may hide your light under a bushel which will get a bill from the gas company just the same, Shakespeare, page 9. Gas bill, something that comes in to put us out. Gas meter, a bit of machinery invented by Ananias in order to police the fear and keep the household supplied of lies while the old man was down in the grocery store. Get rich quick, an aquarium for suckers a place where poor people go to get poorer. Gee, gee, a horse by any other name will run us fast. Genial, a guy that never was known to buy. Genius, something we have in our family. If you don't believe me, come and hear our little boy recite. Gent, two-thirds of a gentleman. Gentleman, a title which many among claims because the public hasn't time to prove him otherwise. Germ, see microbes. In order to see microbes, you'll have to get a magnifying glass. Gosh, a Yankee synonym for dad bust it. See, dag my buttons, see any roeb. Gossip, something which a woman hears with one ear and tells with both. A woman who can put two and two together and make five. Good time. About nine dollars worth of headache next morning and 18 cents in small change left in the pocket. Gormand, a man who delights to make his stomach feel like a department store. Grand opera, a disease which breaks out in society every winter and can be cured only by inward applications of a seat in a box and outward applications of diamonds on the chest. Jingle of Django, a celebrated Norwegian raconteur thus described in his book of travels a visit to the Grand Opera in New York as follows. I went to the opera last night and enjoyed it unspeakably. I noticed that both of the ladies in the boxes enjoy it also but not unspeakably. The ladies, heaven bless them, seem to be suffering from that operatic disease which is called nervous conversation. This is a disease which attacks the vocal cords just as soon as the curtain rises and causes the voice to fall out. I also enjoyed the names of the singers. Some of the names on the programme look like a round robin sent out by a turn-for-hand bowling club but I suppose if they were baked in the oven until translated they would mean something soft and soothing like a custard pudding. Why is it that foreign singers and singer-ettes always have a name which listens like a cuckoo clock with a sore throat? Perhaps if we knew how to unlock them these names would mean just plain Schmidt or Jones. There was one singer on the programme that had the most extravagant name I ever witnessed. If you read it off quick it sounded like the finish on the six-day bicycle race at the Madison Square Garden. Then if you looked at it sideways it seemed to be the report of a skirmish between the Russians and the Japs. I think that fellow just waded into the alphabet with a dip net and all the letters he caught he kept. I liked the plot of the opera. She was a blonde lady with one of those faces which must cost a good deal to give her a pur. The hero was a young gentleman with a sweet expression and a forehead which had moved into his hair when it was very young. I don't know which was the villain but I have my suspicions that it was the usher who gave me a seat. I was interpolated in between a fat man who spoke with an onion accent and a narrow-headed man who whistled softly to himself all the evening without taking thirty-two bars rest. My enjoyment under these circumstances was delicious. The story of the opera was simple. A lot of young ladies, all ready to go in bathing, changed their minds and came out on the stage. Then a tall gentleman came out and wobbled at them and the young ladies went away. Perhaps he belonged to the crusaders on vice? Then the lady that drew the largest salary came out and made goo-goo eyes at the tall gentleman. He was so embarrassed that he walked right down to the footlights and took a couple of high notes. She took the same. Then four people came out on the stage and yelled together with so much earnestness that the women in the boxes had an attack of nervous exclamation and the way they talked about whoever was not present was pitiful. When you should least expect it, their hero jumped on the stage and made some quick motions with his face and arms which resulted in a solo. The story he told was simplicity itself. Plainer than words could make it his beautifully imported voice kept saying ah-ha! ah-ha-yo! I am getting one thousand dollars a night for ah-ha! ah-ha! ah-ha-yo! For doing this, for doing this with the pipes I get one thousand plunks of plunks per night ah-ha! ah-ha-yo! Then the soprano responded with much emotion from the orchestra, ditto ditto ditto me too me too ooh me too. It was delicious. But just then came the bitter moment when all my deliciousness was crushed because the narrow-headed man on my left was a harrowther with a personal distance to the go-der. So I stood up and went home. End of Section 3 Section 4 of The Silly Cyclopedia This is a LibriVox recording. While LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Kate McKenzie The Silly Cyclopedia by Noah Lott Chapter 4 H to L H H laughs best who laughs with a full stomach How many people in this world are being coaxed when it's a club they need? Here are two things any man can find in the dark a carpet-tack and a Limburger sandwich Handsome is, as handsome does them the motto of the Buncoastera H, the 8th letter of the alphabet which is all broken up because Englishmen have dropped it so often get up Ha! An exclamation of surprise used in connection with other dark blue words when you step on a tack Ha! Ha! something the world tries to give you on the slightest provocation Hair, the fur that pays a temporary visit to a man's head for the purpose of falling out later on Hard job trying to live without working Hard work, the sugar of life but it is surprising how many people prefer lemons Health the ability to eat meat for breakfast without having to rush to the drugstore Heat a scheme invented by nature for the purpose of sending human beings to the seashore the mountains and the hospital it is from the Latin words G wisibus ain't it fiasibus which means much or little according to the size of the hotel you stop at Hero a person whom we all delight to honour because the fact in the case a man who goes into history and cannot get out again High ball, a drink in the hand which is worth two headache powders in the drugstore Hog a man who thinks everybody should move over and give him the end seat Honesty the best policy after they catch you trying the others the excuse that a politician always has up his sleeve Hope a firm belief in tomorrow with the ability to take gracefully a transfer to the day after tomorrow horse show a place where the women show the horse that he has no show society's parade grounds where one dress is as good as another until the price is known husband, a domestic animal invented for the purpose of giving a wife something to worry about see, foreflush, also look in the discard humidity something which comes in through the window and goes out through the pause in any way you take it a brother-in-law to torture and a half-sister to Hades the word comes from the Swedish language sock it toodum which means melt you spits boob and melt hypocrite a knocker which is out of order except when your back is turned eye it is a wise son that owes his own father it takes a lot of money to teach a duke how to love an American RS if we could see ourselves as others see us many of us would wear a mask it takes three people to engineer a quarrel two to make it and one to run for a policeman eye the ninth letter of the alphabet used principally by touches in connection with O and U thus I O U ice a substance the world uses to put a damper on swelled heads ignorance a lack of knowledge for instance a microbe sometimes has the colic but he never gets appendicitis Milton page seven impossibility a stuttering man trying to make a bluff incongruity a man who prays with such noise in Sunday school that he sprains his voice and then goes home and beats his child for talking to you loud on the Sabbath day indolent a lazy man just before he becomes a loafer irony of fate a man with an invitation to a beef steak dinner who has to stay home because his wife has a cute indigestion indian commissioner the gentleman who invented the idea of opening up barbershops near the Indian reservations so that lo could get his hair clipped by a reaping machine once every year whether he needed it or not the idea of Marconi's wireless telegraph system pales into insignificance before the idea of coaxing a wild Indian away from the reservation and running the remorseless horse clippers over the wild foliage to which his head has been acclimated these many years this is a noble suggestion and no doubt the Indians will take kindly to the barbers and pay them much attention even if their Tommy Hawks and Scalping Knives are a little dull at first in the dramatic language of the plains Biff Hawkins of Spotted Dog, Idaho thus describes the opening of the first barbershop in the vicinity of an Indian reservation hiss the speaker was the boot black in one of those handsome hand painted barbershops which a loving government at Washington has placed at intervals along the border of the Indian reservation what is it Mike? said Sniffles the barber hissed again that ominous word and Mike pointed feverishly at the distant horizon on it an Indian was walking said fastly onward, onward, onward remorseless as a gas bill the Indian came onward to the barbershop Sniffles the barber jumped quickly into his armor-plated working clothes and Mike, with a sad smile of farewell crawled into the cyclone cellar and closed the steel doors the Indian entered the barbershop your next? said Sniffles politely I know it said the Indian but I was put next only an hour ago hence the delay, the bay run please you wanted for the hair? inquired the barber no, I wanted for a sales said the Indian please? said the barber man behind the snipsnap speaks foolish said the Indian I am not for a haircut I am for that bay rum idea keep first, don't keep me waiting the barber turned pale as the awful truth flashed across him what is your name? he said painfully man afraid of a shampoo said the Indian sullenly nice Indian, pretty Indian, good Indian you are not compelled to get your haircut you know the barber was she to avoid bloodshed? pale face give me heat pain said man afraid of a shampoo Sniffles the barber trembled and believed him said the Indian has the same meaning in Indian as the word oof has in English when I came in pale face said I was next said man afraid of a shampoo well I am next to this business you have bay rum and I have a thirst let us get together but the bay rum is used only on the outside of the head said the barber I have original ideas about bay rum said the Indian therefore I have decided to use it on the inside of my neck but bay rum is 5 cents extra with a haircut whispered the barber it was his last whisper in that shop shouting the bottle cry of the Cherokees the Indian grabbed the bay rum bottle and poured it carefully over his thirst this was followed by a bottle of hair tonic which seemed to go to his head then the Indian swallowed a bottle of whiskadye and all seemed to grow black before him the barber groaned in agony it was thrilling when last seen the Indian was drinking a bottle of dry shampoo and foaming at the mouth while he blessed the white father at Washington for inventing the barber shop that afternoon Sniffles the barber and Mike his under secretary walked back to Washington and handed in their resignation to the interior department Jay jolly not that you be not jolly'd justice is blind for the reason that some lawyers would give her a pain if she could see them journey's end in porter tippings just as you value yourself justly just that much you are valuable Jay the tenth letter of the alphabet used almost exclusively to designate a robe with rubber in the neck whatever that may be jag see gold cure if that hasn't any effect see an undertaker jockey a hero or slob it all together depends on where the horse finishes joke something that's extremely clever when we make it ourselves jolly flattery with a smile on its face jolt the thing a man gets who thinks he knows it all joy gladness with the lid off jug a place to keep the material before it becomes a jag an ability which some men get credit for having when in reality they are really lucky at guessing things justice the name we give it when the verdict is the way we want it Jay kisses go by favorable circumstances kidding as happy as kids till somebody kids then keep a stiff upper lip especially when you're shaving yourself knockers never have weak lungs K, the 11th letter of the alphabet, pronounced as in knuckle, Keen, a grafter with a victim in sight, Kino, what the grafter says when he's through with the victim, Keep, the motto of the trusts, Kee, an instrument used at 2am in connection with a door to determine whether a man is sober or not, Kerosene, an ambitious substance used by cooks when they want to go out through the kitchen roof, Kikker, a man with a grouch on the inside and a voice on the outside, Kis, a sigh set to music, the oldest monopoly in the world with the exception of John D. Rockefeller, a kiss is the soul's cocktail, a wireless message from he to she with the little peaches and cream on the side, Knocker, a hurdle in the way of the worthy, a chinkritic, an expert with the harpoon, L, love laughs at everybody except the girl's papa, laziness generally attacks every part of a man except his tongue, lots of men spend two dollars worth of worry over the loss of a quarter, look around and you'll see that the world likes to side with the man who has the cash, L, the 12th letter of the alphabet captured some years ago for the purpose of describing the elevated railroad, labour, trying to get back the money you loaned, lady, a gentleman woman, lamb, a young mutton head that goes into Wall Street, Lark, a bird of an aim given to a bird of a time, light, an excuse used by the gas company to collect money, literary failure, a man whose brain was unfit for publication, lobster, a shine after he gets in this win, loafer, a man who believes the world owes him a living and sends another man to collect it, love, a certain party who is supposed to be blind but he doesn't seem to have much trouble in finding someone to lead him around, end of section four, section five, the silly cyclopedia, this is a LibriVox recording, all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain, for more information or to volunteer, please go to LibriVox.org, the silly cyclopedia, I know a lot, M, one experiment that few are willing to make, money cannot buy happiness but most of us are willing to make the experiment, many people would take a short walk on the road to ruin if they were sure their friends wouldn't see them, money is the root of much friendship, marry in haste and repent in Dakota, M, the 13th letter of the alphabet which very few people use because 13 is unlucky, macaroni, an excuse for opening an Italian restaurant, map, that part of the human face which is visible above the collar, Marvel, a man who never tells you his troubles, metal, a gold or silver dingus which you get for doing something you intended to do anyway, medlar, the fellow who butts in and says you're not entitled to a metal, miser, a man who has all the money he wants but wants more, money, something which talks but a poor man can't keep it long enough to know what it says, microbe, a very small animal that devotes all its energy to moving into the system of an entire stranger, once in it begins to do lighthouse keeping on the aforementioned stranger's epiglottis, for the meaning of epiglottis consult the first doctor you meet, if he doesn't tell you he's no gentleman, N, no matter how many good things our friends say about us we are never surprised, nothing is so astonishing to us as another man's yes, needless to say a friend in need is a friend in the soup, nothing ventured, nothing wonderful, N, the 14th letter of the alphabet sometimes called a nasal by those who ought to know better, nabob, a man who can put on a new suit of clothes every 15 minutes, nation, a large principality ready to go to war at a moment's notice, for example, a carry nation, nature, something which makes no mistakes with the exception of a crowded streetcar, necessity, the mother of many an empty stomach, neck, a place to get in, next, the battle cry in a barber shop before blood is shed, knit, an abbreviation of nicks, an abbreviation of knit, nope, an abbreviation of no, noise, the sound of a new suit of clothes on a loud man, noddle, the place where some people think they think, novel, a book that sells better than it reads, oh, a well balanced head, of two evils choose the one least likely to be talked about, oh, yes, the man with a jag can hold on to the fence, but he can't hold on to his reputation, opportunity is something a fool waits for while the wise guy runs down the road to meet it, occasionally we meet men who have to part their hair in the middle in order to have a well balanced head, oh, the 15th letter of the alphabet used principally by the Irish in front of their names, oh, the mild-mannered sister of ouch, oats, a substance invented by nature and intended for breakfast food, but because pine shavings are cheaper it is now obsolete, obey, a word put in the marriage service for the purpose of giving the parties of the first part something to kick about, oculus, a man many young people should consult who think they have fallen in love at first sight, oil, see John D. Rockefeller, if you can, old hen, the pet name a man has for his wife because she rules the bruised, olive, a green grape dropped in a cocktail so the customer can pull it out with his fingers, see cherry, onion, a noisy vegetable eaten principally by people who sit next to us in street cars, opera, a device used for the purpose of making a fortune for a good singer, opportunity, something never seen until it is not there to be looked at, originality, the gift some people have of saying the bright things which we intended to think about later on, osler, a modern abbreviation of chloroform, an up to date bogeyman invented for the purpose of chasing has-beens to the woods, osler-esque, the state of being ready for osler-izing, see any man over 40, osler-ism, the art of picking out a fit subject for the osler treatment, you can lead an old man into a drug store but you can't make him drink chloroform, Tupper's proverbial philosophy page 19, osler-ize, to pour chloroform over an old man's breakfast food and telephone for the undertaker, osler-itis, an attack of hysteria which broke out at a banquet and became epidemic in the newspapers, osler-uza, a man who believes in osler-ism, he is generally a young man in love with a girl whose papa is over 40 and who wears number 11 shoes of high voltage, osler-eta, a young woman who believes in osler-ism, she is the same girl whose papa has just been mentioned, p, philosophy makes good reading for the man who has his rent paid, perseverance is the root of all money, perhaps you have met the man who is so wrapped up in himself that he thinks he is a warm baby, pleasure travels with a brass band but trouble sneaks in on rubber shoes, philosophers do not believe half the things they tell themselves, p, the 16th letter of the alphabet, use principally and pickled peppers, paint, a polite name for balloon juice, see the bartender, palpitation of the tongue, a disease that affects many women, patriot, a man who spends all his money for fireworks for the little boy and doesn't hold out two dollars for the doctor's bill, pathos, a poor man laughing at his rich wife's poor joke, peach, a bit of domestic fruit consisting of blonde dresses, a dimple and three bows of pink ribbon, peekaboo, a summer idea invented for the purpose of making a girl's shirt waist something like a barbed wire fence with a full view of the scenery, it is constructed by making one stitch and forgetting seven, the peekaboo is the only friend the mosquito has on earth, penitentiary, an assembly hall which always plays to a full house because whiskey is its advanced agent, philosopher, a man who can size himself up and forget the result, plan, something which any fool can lay but it takes patience like a hen to hatch it, pleasure, fun you have today so you can worry over it tomorrow, poetical license, a woman who weighs 275 pounds and listens to the name of birdie, politics, the place where a man gets it, sometimes in the neck, sometimes in the bank, politician, the reason we have so much politics, popularity, the cold storage house where the world sends her favorites before she forgets them, posterity, a lot of people who will forget all about you before they are born, practical joke, when nature makes a pink lobster look like a man, prediction, a bit of funny business invented by the weather man for the purpose of playing tiddledy winks with the weather, he says what he thinks it will be and then the weather is what it pleases, promise what a man says to a woman or child to keep them quiet, prude, a female lady who wishes someone will say something so she can blush to listen and listen to blush, cue, young writer's outfit, quitters cannot be trained to quit queer, isn't it, that the leisure a man gets the more he wants to work somebody else, quotation marks cover a multitude of plagiarists, qualmless consciences are fashionable nowadays, cue, the seventeenth and most hunted letter in the alphabet because it is always followed by you, quack, a doctor who ducks the law, quarrel, something that shouldn't be picked before it's ripe, court, the amount of wine a sport always wants to open, choir, a bunch of singers in a church sometimes called choir, sometimes called down, see scrap, fight, jealousy, quiver to shake for the drinks, quitter, a man who stops before he gets started, end of section five, section six of the silly cyclopedia, this is a LibriVox recording and all the LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer please go to LibriVox.org. The silly cyclopedia by Noah Lott, R, the rolling stone at the bottom of the hill. Remember you can fool some of the people all the time if you care to spend your money that way. Reasons may be found for everything except why does a woman get off a streetcar backwards? Race, suicide doesn't appeal to poor people. Rolling stones gather no moss, but look at the excitement they have. R, the eighteenth letter of the alphabet, used principally to begin a collage yell, thus, rah rah rah. Rag, a material invented for truing purposes. Rake, a man about town after he gets shop-born. Rare, the way you get roast beef when you order it well done. Reform, a bird which is always flying towards us but which never gets here. Retribution, a man who marries for money and finds it is all in Confederate bills. Riches, something which is said to have wings, but I can't prove it because they never flew my way. Roysterer, a man who sowed so much wild oats in his youth that he has to eat cracked oats in his age. Race, suicide, a disease which was cured by T. Roosevelt, Esquire, when he invented an idea for the purpose of giving nursemaid steady employment, for instance. Rondo, there was a nice old lady and she lived within her shoe. She had so many children that she didn't know what to do. So she wrote the president and said 20 kids or more. The president replied to her, on coral girl, on coral. She answered, I have no room at home for more, so I'm through. And he replied, why don't you go and get another shoe? Sir Walter Scott, page 96. Riddle, a question mark gone bad. A foolish member of the interrogation family, whose most fiendish offspring is how old is Anne? Some examples. Anne's father sends his picture to the well. Mary's father sends his picture to the saloon. How much money has Anne's father saved? Anne's mother has just finished reading a very beautiful story. Mary's mother sent over and borrowed the book. How old will Anne's mother be when the book gets back? Anne's little brother is entertaining Anne's sweetheart in the parlor. Anne's little brother has just told Anne's sweetheart how old Anne is. How long did Anne's sweetheart remain after he learned the bitter truth? Anne has a brother by the name of James. James wrote two letters, one to his wife and one to his lady typewriter. Ten minutes after mailing them, he discovered that the right letter was in the wrong envelope. Which train did James take and when does Anne expect him back? Anne took a dollar bill and went to a department store. She saved 20 cents for a car fare and spent 80 cents for lunch. What were the clerks swearing at after Anne went out? Anne had dark hair, but she put peroxide on it to frighten it lighter. Anne's hair became angry at the peroxide and got up and left her head. Why does Anne converse with collars through the speaking tube? Anne's friend Mary had seven brothers. One of them paints sawdust in a delicatessen factory at $12 per. The other six play the races. What time does the dinner bell ring and who squares it with the grusher? Anne has another friend by the name of Ellen. Ellen's father has one sitting room and four daughters. The four daughters are engaged to four nice young gentlemen. At what time in the evening does Papa and Mama crawl out of the dumbwander and how much is the gas bill? Anne rode home in the elevated rough house at the twilight hour. 87 gentlemen were there hiding behind 87 newspapers. Anne joined a strap and swung to and fro. How old was Anne when she received a seat? S. The black sheep. Some people's talk is too cheap at any price. Some men are just like a meal because they kick at the wrong time. Some people save up their money for a rainy day and finally decide that a foggy day is a good enough excuse to spend it. Scandal is the black sheep in the family of love. S. The 19th letter of the alphabet, which is called a sibilant because it makes a hissing sound like a goose. Saloon. Something which can be opened on credit but it takes cash to start a church. Sarcasm. A $30 Panama hat on a 30 cent man. Satan. An accommodating chap who picks out cozy quarters in his hot house for the men that brag about being such devils among the women. Skeptic. A man who will stop to see if there is a microbe and a kiss. Seashore. A violent disease which breaks out all over people when the weather gets warm. The cure costs anywhere from $2 to $50 per day according to the mood the landlord is in. Sincerity. What our friends think about us when our backs are turned. Speculation. Paying a nickel for a seat in a streetcar and then waiting till you get it. Stubbornness. A man who knows he is wrong but believes he is right for personal reasons. Suckers. The bait used by those who go fishing for compliments. Success. Failure kicked to pieces by hard work. A man who can make enough noise when he wins out to drown the voices of the knockers. Something which can be caught if a man only runs long enough. Swiftness. The manner in which a fool and his rich wife's money are parted. Synonym. A lazy man trying to win success and a hen trying to lay a cornerstone. Seat. A mythical place in a streetcar where many are called but few are chosen. For instance. Little Jack Horner sat in a corner riding downtown on the L. He jumped to his feet, gave a lady his seat. I'm a liar but don't it sound well? Oliver Goldsmith. Page 34. Sardine Car. A term of endearment given to crowded streetcars. Marcus Aurelius thus describes the Sardine Car in his Meditations. Page 964 as follows. The Sardine Cars consist of 50 people trying to squeeze into a space that was built only for a pajama hat and two newspapers. The seats in the Sardine Cars run sideways but the passengers run edgeways and the life insurance agents run any old way when they see these cars coming. The Sardine Car is the best gentile imitation of a rough house that has ever been invented. They are called Sardine Cars because the conductor has to let the passengers out with a can opener. Brave and strong men climb into a streetcar and they are full of health and life in vigor but a few blocks up the road they fall out backwards and inquire feebly for a sanitarium. To ride on the streetcars in a big city of an evening brings out all that is in a man including a lot of loud words he didn't know he had. The last census shows us that the streetcars in the city of New York have more ways of producing nervous prostration and palpitation of the brain to the square inch than the combined population of Amsterdam, Rotterdam, Tinkersdam and Goddardamerung. To get in some of the streetcars about six o'clock is a problem and to get out again is an assassination. One evening I rode from 42nd Street to 59th without once touching the floor with my feet. Part of the time I used the outposts of a stout gentleman to come between me and the ground and during the rest of the occasion I hung onto a strap and swung out wild and free like the Japanese flag on a windy day. Some of our streetcars lead a double life because they are used all winter to act a part of a refrigerator. It is a cold day when we cannot find it colder in the streetcars. In Germany we find Germans in the cars, but in America we find germs. That is because this country is young and impulsive. The germs in the streetcars are extremely sociable and will often follow a stranger all the way home. Often while riding in the streetcars I have felt a germ rubbing against my ankle like a kitten. But being a gentleman I did not reach down and kick it away because the law says we must not be disrespectful to the dumb brutes of the field. Many of our streetcars are made out of the same idea as a can of condensed milk. The only difference is that the streetcars have a sour taste like a lemon squeezer. When you get out you cannot get in and when you get in you cannot get out because you hate to disturb the strange gentleman that is using your knee to lean over. Between the seats there is a space of two feet. But in that space you will always find four feet and their owners unless one of them happens to have a wooden leg. Under ordinary circumstances four into two won't go but the Sardinian cars defy the laws of gravitation. A Sardinian car conductor can put twenty six into nine and still have four to carry. The idea of expansion which is now used by our Congress was suggested by one of these Sardinian cars. The ladies of America have started a rebellion against the Sardinian cars but every time they started the conductor pulls the bell and leaves the rebellious standing on the corner. We are a very nervous and careless people in America. To prove how careless we are I will cite the fact that Manhattan Island is called after a cocktail. This nervousness is our undoing because we are always in such a hurry to get somewhere that we would rather take the first car and get squeezed into breathlessness than wait for the next which would likely squeeze us into insensibility. Breathlessness can be cured but insensibility is dangerous without an alarm clock. For a man with a small dining room the Sardinian car has its advantages but when a stout man rides in them he finds himself reporting a lot of strangers he never met before. One morning I jumped on one of those Sardinian cars feeling just like a two-year-old full of health and happiness. During the first seven blocks three men fresh from a distillery grew up in front of me and removed the scenery. One of them had to get out in a hurry so he kicked me on the shins to show how sorry he was to leave me. One of the other two must have been in the distillery a long time because pretty soon he neglected to use his memory and sat down in my lap. When I remonstrated with him he replied that this is a free country and if he wished to sit down I had no business to stop him. Then his friend pulled us apart and I resumed the use of my lap. During the next 20 blocks I had one of the worst daylight nightmares I've ever rode behind. The party which had been studying the exhibits in the distillery got the idea in his head that my foot was the loud pedal on a piano and he started to play the overture from William Tell until I yelled, what else? That man was such a hard drinker that he gave me the gout just from standing on my feet. Then I jumped off and swore off and swore at and walked home. If the man who invented the idea of standing up between the seats in a sardine car is alive he should have a monument. My idea would be to catch him alive and place the monument on him and have the conductor come around every ten minutes for his fare. Then the punishment would have a fit like the crime. End of section 6 Section 7 of The Silly Cyclopedia This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Juliva Malchem. The Silly Cyclopedia by Noah Lott Tee Blue sky of a greenish hue The man with plenty of money has friends to burn and when he goes broke he finds he has burned most of them. The sky always looks blue when we look at it through a roll of bills. The mud slinger never has clean hands. The way of the transgressor is hard on his family. Tee The twentieth letter of the alphabet so called because the author of the alphabet always drank coffee. Table A wooden arrangement covered with green cloth around which a certain parties gather for the purpose of taking each other's money seek gambling. You might incidentally see the police if they don't see you first. Text The art of knowing just went to laugh at a rich man's joke. Talent The ability to know how to keep still at the right moment. Temper something you should keep otherwise the man you show it to may hand it back to you with a short armed jab. Temptation The banana peel in a man's brain that causes him to slip. The laugh something which should always be on the other fellow. Tomorrow the only day in the year that appeals to a lazy man. Thermometer A machine invented by a drugstore provider for the purpose of driving humanity to drink. Trouble The only thing which a man borrows and wants to pay back in a hurry the place where a man finds his head when he loses it. Trouble Hunter A man who always comes home with a game back full. Truth The kind words our enemies say about us something which never figures in politics because it forgets to register. You both ends Undoubtedly the man that burns the candle at both ends is lightheaded. Usually you'll find that self-made men spend the rest of their lives talking about home industry. An easy looks to face that wears a frown. Unfortunately many a prince of good fellows loses his title when his pocketbook runs dry. You the 21st letter of the alphabet about which there is some scandal because it is always tagging after Q. Empire a guessing machine used and abused in and about a baseball game. Unhappy the man who knows it all with nobody to tell it to. Unselfishness to be able to read of a neighbour's success without reaching for the harpoon a man who will give his last cigar to a stranger and then go home and kick his wife on the shins because she spent forty cents for baby's new shoes. Undertaker a man who gets to laugh on those who take life as a joke. V. Ideas expressed vanity is a raw material from which hot air is manufactured. Victors get the spoils but the spoils generally spoil the victors. Very true is it that a man without ideas always expresses of them. Valuable time is often wasted by men of little value. V. The 22nd letter of the alphabet used as a pet name for a five dollar bill. Vacation the time of the year which a young man looks forward to with his hand on his heart goes through with his hand on his pocketbook and looks back on with both hands on his head and no skin on his nose. Vacant the top story of a snob. Vanity the name of the machinery that makes our swelled heads. Versatility the ability of a woman to wear a tight shoe and lose smile at the same time. Vicerversa to sleep with one head at the foot of the bed and one's feet at the head of the bed see Jack and Sous. Virtue its own reward but many people don't care to handle such a small amount. Vulgarians people who go through the world like a lot of automobiles with the rubber-naked eyes and gasoline in their garrets and noise, noise, noise. W. Smile please. When a man has his own worst enemy the fight is always to finish. Whiskey is a name of a photographer that can make a high priced man look like 30 cents. When a man sits around waiting for something to turn up fortune always turns him down. When a man is anxious to keep your secret keep him anxious. W. The 23rd letter of the alphabet which wasn't read it very well in the matter of a name. Wod a roll of bills with a rubber band around it this is a wonderful weapon in the hands of a steady spender. War an excuse for talking about the dove of peace. Wealth to have money enough to support an automobile that goes a pace that kills. Weatherman a machine disguised as a human being who tries to play till-wings with the weather he tells the weather what to do and the weather does as it pleases. A machine which says cooler tomorrow with westerly winds but means something different. The idea comes from the Latin words guess again which mean I'm paid to tell the truth but I don't need the money. Whiskey old mother misery's dare devil son worry a lot of unwelcome thoughts which refuse to remain unthinkable. Eggs the old school experience is a name of the concern which opened at the first night's school. Explanations quite often are old-fashioned lies disguised in good fashion. Expostulation often leads to the ambulance. Experience teaches some people to go and do the same full thing over again. Eggs the 24th letter of the alphabet it was so late getting in that very few words are fastened to it. Eggs that ten dollars you loaned some time ago. Extractor the fellow you loaned it to. Excitement what happened when you tried to get it back? X-rays a machine you'll have to use to find your X. Why? Men have been known to listen. You shouldn't look a gift otomobile in the price tag. Yeah, verily, a first-class listener is a woman's best friend. Yes, and if it were not for the fools in this world the poor would never get rich. You may take my word for it that whatever a man hopes to be he will be unless he gets on the wrong car. Why? The 25th letter of the alphabet which is of a Biblia's nature because it's always in rye, mercy. Yap the real thing on the farm but an awful thing on Broadway. Yard a device which eats up money and yells for more. Joke the way a sweet says joke. Yesterday the day upon which our ship should have arrived. Zed falling out of love some men fall in love and get out of it by marrying the girl. Some men tell themselves a lie just to fool their conscience. Somehow or other a ticklish situation never gets a laugh from the parties concerned. Some say that money isn't everything in this world but it takes a man with money to believe it. Zed the 26th and last letter of the alphabet and I'm glad of it. Zeal the ardour with which we manage other people's affairs. Zebra an animal used principally to illustrate the letter Zed. Zero the place where the cult waves come from. Zip the same as Zo. Zo the same as a zip. Zoo a garden centred by wild animals. Zebo a contraction of gonzebo which means a fifth. End of section 7. Section 8 of the Cilisanklopedia. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Joliva Malchem. The Cilisanklopedia by no or lot. Appendix automobiles a little blasts of hot air. Appendix this part of the book may be cut out. Automobiles a few rules of the road which, it is hoped, will speedily be adopted by all automobile societies. The automobile is a rich man's liquor and the poor man's chaser. It keeps our streets full of red, white and blue streaks all the lifelong day and if the rarity pedestrian is not supplied with a ball bearing neck his chance of getting home is null and devoid. Probably the safest part about the machinery of an automobile is the chauffeur because he knows which way to jump out. Chauffeur is a name of the man who points the machine at you and dares you to get out of the way. We have no word in the English language brave enough to ride on a horse's wagon when it goes real fast. That is why we had to reach over to Paris and pull a word out of the French. Chauffeur was the first word we grabbed and I think we should give it back at the first opportunity. The first careless card we had in this country was called the Coroner's Delight because it lived up to its name. Consequently it became necessary that a set of road rules should be composed which would help the general public to die easier when Automobo annihilated. Here are the rules. 1. One sharp toot from the horn on a happy handsome means that businessmen, messenger boys and other persons in a hurry must postpone indefinitely they contemplate a journey across the street. Crossing the street in front of a chauffeur given the above signal is very bad form and is generally productive of spinal meningitis and doctor's bills. 2. Two sharp toots from the horn on a vessel in Bram is a signal to the drug-drivers ahead that they must dismount at once, bow politely and say guzzuntide to the chauffeur as he passes. Drug-drivers who refuse to obey the signal should be run into and injured severely. 3. Three sharp toots from the horn on a benzene buggy is a signal to the policemen on the corner who must immediately come to parade rest, duff his helmet and comment enthusiastically on the grays and general elegance of the chauffeur until the latter has disappeared and the distance. Policemen who fail to follow this rule should be arrested, tried, convicted and sent to Siberia. 4. Four sharp toots from the horn on the gasoline barouche is a signal for the fire department to assemble immediately and remove old trees, statues and things of that sort so that a chauffeur may take a shortcut through any of the parks. Failure on the part of the firemen to obey this rule will justify the chauffeur in delaying an engine on a tray to a fire by stopping in front of it long enough to get run over. 5. Five is sharp toots from the horn of a whizz wagon is a signal to all drivers of brewery wagons, ice wagons and moving machines in the viscinage that they must descend at once from their various pedestals and lead their jugonautian caravans into the dry goods stores out of harm's way. If there are no dry goods stores handy, a candy shop will do. No driver of a brewery wagon, ice wagon or mowing machine will be excused for breaking this rule simply because he doesn't know the meaning of viscinage. 6. Six sharp toots from the horn of a gas garyle is a signal to conductors and motormen that they must, without any unnecessary delay, lift their cars from the rails and place them on the sidewalk. If the passengers in the cars so signalled offer any objections, the policeman on that bead will take the offenders to the nearest automobile garage and compel them to drink gasoline. 7. One long and one short toot means that everybody in the neighbourhood, not in a bubble, must start promptly for the boots. Failure to observe this rule will justify any chauffeur in chasing the offender 76 consecutive miles in a south-westerly direction. 8. Long and continued to pause from the horn on any road he run about means the chauffeur has lost a combination on his brain cells and is suffering severely from stage fright, super-induced by a sudden appearance of a coal car directly in his pathway. In a predicament of this kind, strict guiding rules cannot be laid down but no blame can attach to the automobilist if he climbs over the tail-board of the vehicle and adds a new series of phrenological bumps to the suburban part of the head of the offending coal-car director. 9. If the foregoing rules are carefully observed there is no occasion for further instructions and oto my bubbling will become a thing of pleasure and a joy forever. Little blasts of hot air. Life is a tragedy and that's the best reason why it should be well acted. What a lot of motive-power is wasted by those who jolly other people along. A thought-finder is a homemade knocker. Every woman jumps quickly from might and at conclusions. Don't be clam, must be wisdom on the half-shell. The man who means everything he says is generally a stingy talker. Hot air is mighty and will prevail in politics. A fool and his money is a root of much laughter. End of Section 8 Section 9 of the silly cyclopedia. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Karen Savage. The silly cyclopedia by no allot. Section 9. Insomnia. How to effect a permanent and lasting cure. 1. Lie perfectly still and count 287,643 in a slow, methodical manner. By the time you have finished counting it will be daylight and you will be surprised to notice how quickly the night has passed. 2. Always partake of a bountiful repast before retiring, giving special attention to a lobster salad, Welsh rabbit, and hard-boiled eggs. This will no doubt give you delirium tremens, nightmares and Vitus's dance and indigestion, but the pleasing thought will remain that you have kept the rest of the household awake as well as yourself. 3. Always undress in the dark. When you have broken three chairs, upset the centre-table, and stepped on six assorted tacks you will realise what a stupid habit sleeping is anyway, and your senses will have become so acute that you will want to sit up and read the family story paper during that portion of the night which has not been devoted to swearing. 4. Always lie with your head lower than any other point of your body and throw the pillows away. The monotony of a sleepless night will then be relieved by the novelty of having apoplexy or heart failure, either of which diseases is much more exciting and dangerous than insomnia. 5. Always concentrate your thoughts and endeavour to breathe pronouncedly and with exaggeration like a freight-engine climbing a grade. This is calculated to frighten the rest of the family into convulsions and stampede all the cattle in the neighbourhood, but you will be enabled to wile the remaining hours of the night away by listening to the terse remarks hurled at you from time to time by the other members of the household. 6. Always sponge your face with boiling water several times before retiring. If you keep this up long enough it will be breakfast time, and you may then go about your daily labour with the happy consciousness that you have saved the bed-clothes a great deal of wear and tear. 7. Always take a brisk, long walk before retiring, taking particular care to come home late and allow the watchdog to mistake you for a tramp and chase you hurriedly into the next countryside. It is also calculated to withdraw the blood from the brain and put wings on your feet. A brisk run of sixteen miles across country as the crow flies, with an angry bulldog pushing you pretty hard for first place is a pleasant diversion in a sleepless night. 8. Be phlegmatic and indifferent in a marked degree. If you hear thieves in the chicken coop during the night, don't move a muscle. If you smell smoke and know the house is on fire, lie perfectly still and count imaginary sheep jumping over an imaginary fence. If you feel the folding bed closing up, let it close and go on with your counting. If you know that burglars are in the room, pay no attention to them and let them burgle. You have business of your own to attend to. A man with a thoroughly developed case of insomnia has no time for such trifling details. Wisdom is as wisdom does. All is not cold that shivers. Success never shakes hands with a lazy man. An American husband in the hand is worth two foreign dukes in the divorce court. The most successful politician is the one who knows how to finance his brains. Before marriage a woman is an angel. After marriage she is still an angel but her husband is now from Missouri and she has to show him. If it were impossible to speak anything but truth in this world how many times a day would we be insulted? Wist. Being a few hints how to play the game. Wist is a well-known game with cards. It requires close attention and silence. Some people learn to play wist in fifteen minutes but their partners generally wear a worried look. There are other people who never learn to play the game but unfortunately for humanity they never fully realize this fact. Their partners soon discover it however but politeness forbids them making the discovery known to the wide, wide world. The following series of don'ts may help you to understand some of the intricacies of the delightful game of wist. If they do not help you the only thing to do is to try pinocle. Don't get up and dance a serpentine dance every time you take a trick. It is in very bad taste unless you're a good dancer and even then your opponents may feel deeply chagrined. Don't smile sweetly at your partner and inform him in a few well-chosen words that you have seven trumps in your hand. Your opponents may hear you and scowl darkly at you. Don't fail to call the attention of your opponent to the fact that he or she hasn't followed suit being very careful to select a loud and resonant tone of voice for the occasion. This compels your opponent to look carefully through his or her cards and fervently wish that you had sense enough to mind your own business. Don't ask what's trumps more than eighteen times during one hand. The limit used to be twenty-six times but the best authorities on wist now say eighteen. Don't have a conniption-fit every time you lose a trick. Conniption-fits are very bad form and they delay the game. Don't get excited and climb up on the table when the game is close. It shows a want of refinement and breeding to climb up on the table especially if you are in a strange house. Don't whistle softly while waiting for somebody to play. Whistling is not in good taste. Go and perform on the piano. There is much better effect particularly if your selection is something lively like El Capitan or the Maiden's Prayer. Don't talk politics while playing wist. Either wist or politics will suffer if you do. Statisticians claim that thirty-four million six hundred and forty-seven thousand nine hundred and thirty-two times out of thirty-four million six hundred and forty-seven thousand nine hundred and thirty-three it is wist that suffers. Don't, when drawing a trick towards you, pause in the act to smile disdainfully upon your opponents. They may not admire a spectacular arrangement of your features and if they happen to be in a bad humour your facial expression may be ruined for life. Don't labour under the erroneous impression that your opponents have no right to trump your ace if they can. Neither is it considered elegant or refined to hit them carelessly across the forehead with the bric-a-brac for so doing. Don't make an earnest endeavour to split the table asunder when playing a winning card. People may think you are eccentric if you try to make kindling wood of the table every time you lay down an honour. Don't lead the three of clubs in mistake for the ace of trumps and then get mad and jump seventeen feet in the air because you are not permitted to pull it back. It isn't good form to jump seventeen feet in the air. Besides, you might fall right yourself and the neighbourhood. Don't hesitate to inquire what was led when there is but one card on the table. It shows that you are taking a deep interest in the game and it makes the other players admire your allocutionary powers. Don't fail to dispute the count after every hand has been played. It draws attention to the fact that you are anxious to win. It also draws uncomplementary remarks from your opponents and sometimes from your club. Don't fall off the chair in horrified dismay when your opponent puts your ace to sleep with the little trump. Trumps were invented for that purpose and horrified dismay is not becoming to every style of beauty. End of Section 9 Section 10 of the silly cyclopedia This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org Recording by David Lawrence The silly cyclopedia by Noah Lott A few harmless germs Baseball and bursts of confidence A few harmless germs How the rest of the world does hate the people who have a good time A miss is as good as a mile of misses if you love the girl. The issue is always lucky when the horse wins. A hard worker will never be arrested for killing time. One half the world doesn't know why the other half doesn't get off the earth. Be good and you'll be happy. But you won't get your name in the papers so often. Baseball Being a guide for the grouchy grandstandee These do nots have been arranged, compiled and hammered together with a view to rendering assistance to the spectator whose thinking machinery climbs out over his collar and who shows symptoms of being dazed and disorderly during the progress of a game. Don't have any regard for the feelings of your neighbors. Get up on the slightest provocation and yell. To make matters more exciting, you had better get up on the back of the seat also. Don't stop to make a careful selection addressing the universe at large when the play is not to your liking. Say the first thing that comes into your mind. Doubtless, it will be glad to get out. Don't pay any attention to the fact that ladies are in the immediate neighborhood. Your money is just as good as theirs. Besides, it's a man's privilege to swear and make a howling idiot of himself. Don't fail to keep up a running comment on the general inefficiency of the visiting club. The majority of those who sit near you came out to the game especially to hear your views on this subject. Don't neglect to call him a fat-headed renegade every time one of the home players makes an error. The home players need to be reproved at times and nothing is quite so reproving as the term fat-headed renegade hurled at them by a bibulous gentleman with a subterberian voice. Don't hesitate to tell all who are listening and, if your voice is as convalescent as usual, everybody in your section of the western hemisphere will have to listen. That you know more about the game than Pop Anson and Pop Anson's younger brother Methuselah. Under certain circumstances modesty is a crime. Therefore, you should not commit a crime by withholding this information. Don't forget the umpire. Don't forget him for one little moment. He will notice it if you do and become miserably unhappy. Tell him what you think of him unceasingly. There is nothing so pleasing to an umpire's ear as the sweet strains of a whisky trim voice ringing softly in the evening air. A red light uses a robber and a thief! Umpires love to be criticized in this manner. With every criticism they brace up wonderfully and their straying sense of justice returns. You've noticed this fact, of course. Don't hesitate to insult a player on the field. Remember it is very hard for him to pick you out of the crowd. Besides if he does and jumps over the rail for the purpose of putting his imprint on your slats you can scream for help. The police will probably wake up and come to your assistance. Don't forget to use the most hurtling and decorative style of language now on the market when you engage in the pleasing duty of hurting a player's feelings. This will attract attention to you from all quarters and will stamp you as a gentleman of the Abernit style of architecture. Don't pay any attention to the uneasiness displayed by those about you who came out for the selfish purpose of enjoying the game. If they cannot enjoy you and your long power exhibit at home, keep right on utilizing your vocal chords. Chatter on incessantly. Be a consistent ass until the last man is out and the umpire crawls into a cyclone cellar. Then go home and bathe what's left of your voice in which hazel and get ready for the morrow. Bursts of confidence. A trouble hunter always makes a success of his job. The girl who hesitates the hitching post. The world has a poor memory for many who believe themselves famous. A wise man saves up for a rainy day and always stays in the house when it storms. It keeps many a good man down to keep up appearances. Some men are like a phonograph. They talk when you start them, but they have no originality. End of section 10. Recording by David Lawrence in Brampton, Ontario February 2010. Section 11 of the Cilicyclopedia This is a LibriVox recording or LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org The Cilicyclopedia by Noah Lot The Poor Man's Cookbook presented by the President of the Food Trust This cookbook was invented by the President of the Food Trust with the hope that the poor man will find therein much to comfort him since meat and other luxuries have gone out of his life because the trust needs the money. The beauty about the dishes mentioned here is their cheapness. Let us begin with the soup. Mock Chicken Soup Take a piece of white paper and a lead pencil and draw from memory the outlines of a hand. Then carefully remove the feathers. Pour one gallon of boiling water into a saucepan and sprinkle a pinch of salt on the hand still. Now let it simp. If the soup has a blonde appearance stir it with a lead pencil which will make it more of a bite. Let it boil two hours. Then cook the hand away from the saucepan and serve the soup hot with a glass of ice water on the side. Beef Tea Take the white of an egg and beat it without mercy. When it is insensible put it in the teapot and add enough boiling water to drown it. Let it drown about 20 minutes. Lead the yolk of the egg over to the teapot and push it in. Season with a small pinch of Tabasco and let it simp. Serve hot and always be sure to put a piece of lemon in the finger bowl. Mock Beef Steak Carefully remove the laces from one shoe and put them away because they can be used for shoestring potatoes just as soon as the potato trust started. Beat the shoe with a hammer for 10 minutes until its tongue stops wagging and it gets black and blue in the face. Then put it in the frying pan and stir gently. When it begins to sizzle add the yolk of an egg and season with parsley. Imitation parsley can be made from green wallpaper with the scissors. If there is no green wallpaper in the house add it to the landlord about it. Let it simp. In two hours try it with a fork. If it breaks the fork it is not done. Let it simp. Should you wish to smother it with onions? Now is your chance because after cooking so long it is almost helpless. Serve hot with a hatchet on the side. If there are more than four people in the family use both shoes. Iris stew. Remove the jacket and waistcoat from a potato and put it in a saucepan. Add three quarts of boiling water. Get a map of island and hang it on the wall directly in front of the saucepan. This will furnish the local color for the stew. Let it boil two hours. When the potato begins to melt it is a sign the stew is getting done. Walk easy so as not to frighten it. Add a pinch of rhubarb and serve hot with lettuce dressing. This is one of the best stews without meat that the food trust has ever invented for the poor man. Mock pork pie. Peel the bark carefully away from the hind quarters of a spruce tree and remove the tenderloin. One of last year's Christmas trees is excellent for the purpose. Chop it up fine and place in a saucepan. Add boiling water and let it simmer two hours. Season with a pinch of salt and if this is not satisfactory you might also pinch a little pepper. Put the bark in the coffee grinder and turn the handle rapidly to the left. Add boiling water and serve with milk and sugar. This will be a splendid joke on the coffee trust. The mock pork pie is now done. Serve with Leoné's dressing and tomato ketchup. After dinner, eat four pepsin tablets and send for the doctor. Imitation apple fritters. First, catch your fritter. Be sure that it is a young fritter. The way to tell the age of a fritter is to count its teeth. Remove the shell and add a pitcher of apple sauce. Place this in a saucepan and tease it with a pinch of baking soda. Let it simmer two hours. Serve hot and smile rapidly while eating. Laughter always is a question. Ox tail chocho To make ox tail chocho without an ox is one of the best jokes in the world on the appetite. Remove the pin feathers from a young onion and chop it up fine. Add water stir gently and add more water. Let it sizzle. Add more water. Always boil the water slowly. Let it sizzle. Now, remove the scum and serve hot with water presses on the side. This is a nice dish for a small family and at the same time it shows what a generous nature the food trust has to suggest it. Mock giblets. Take two rubber neck clams and after stuffing them with chestnuts, fry them on the fire. The coal trust will see to it that you have no trouble in getting a slow but expensive fire. Let them sizzle. Now, remove the neck from the clams and add baking soda. Let them sizzle. Take the juice of a lemon and scatter it at the clams. Serve hot with pink finger balls with your initials on them. Don't have their initials on the clams but such an idea is only for the wealthy. Imitation prune pie. Take a dozen not holes and peel them carefully. Remove the shells and add a cup of sugar. Stir quickly and put in a hot oven. Bake gently for six hours and then add a little Jamaica ginger. Serve cold with tea wafers and talk fast while eating them. Breakfast bacon. Take a hat full of pine shavings and remove the interior. Add a little Sherwin and sweetened to taste. Let them sizzle. Sprinkle with salt and pepper and other cosmetics and let them sizzle. Now, turn them over with a spoon and serve them hot of the griddle. Saratoga chips. The same as the breakfast bacon, only you don't remove the interior from the pine shavings. Just take them as nature made them and add a little salad oil. Serve cold with shredded onions on the side. Mock baked beans. Take as many buttons as the family can afford and remove the thread. Add pure spring water. Put in a saucepan and stir gently until you burst your buttons. Add a little flour to calm them and let them sizzle. Serve with tomato cuts or molasses according to the location you find yourself living on the map. Oatmeal pudding. Take the sawdust carefully from a freshly caught board and remove the husk. Add water and let it sizzle. Stir gently two hours then rest a while. Pour the contents into a saucepan and saturate it with sugar and salt and other spices. Serve without splashing it and add a little cold water painted white to look like milk. This last idea is a splendid joke on the milk trust. Hamburger steak. Always be sure to get a fresh hamburger. There is nothing that will reconcile a man to a vegetarian diet so quickly as an overripe hamburger. They should always be picked at the full of the moon. To tell the age of a hamburger look at its teeth. One row of teeth for every year and the limit is seven rows. Now remove the wishbone and slice carefully. Add Worcestershire sauce and let it sizzle. Add a pinch of potato salad and stir gently. Serve hot and eat fast with the eyes closed tight. Apple dumplings. Take a large sheet of blotting paper and remove the ink. Ink is a non-conductor and discolors the palette. Boreau an apple from the grocer and tie it up in the blotting paper. The blotting paper will absorb the flavor from the apple in about three minutes. Now take the apple back to the grocer and say much obliged, thank you. Cut the blotting paper into thin slices and add water. Stir gently until it boils over then unhook it. Serve hot and if your husband kicks, say to him bitterly. You should have married an heiress with a papa in the food trust. Then you could afford to have real apples. Imitation roast turkey. Find a copy of a Thanksgiving Day newspaper and select there from the Fattest Turkey on page 3. Now with a few kind words coax the turkey away from the newspaper in the direction of the kitchen. Care should be taken that the turkey does not escape in the butler's pantry or fly up the dumb waiter because the turkey is a very nervous animal. Once you get the turkey in the kitchen, lock the door and prepare the stuffing. The best stuffing for a turkey is chestnuts which you can obtain by tearing a few pages from the life and anecdotes of an after-dinner speaker. Now remove the wishbone carelessly and make a wish. Then coax the turkey over the gas stove and push it in. Let it sizzle for four hours and serve hot by a Russian waiter and with Japanese napkins. Mock celery. Take an old whisk broom and remove the handle. The handle is made of wood, keep it because it can be turned into breakfast food the first time you see a sawmill. Now remove the wire from the whisk broom and sprinkle with baking soda. Serve cold with a pinch of salt on the northwestern end. Mock clams. Take a rubber shoe and slice carefully. Add a dash of Tabasco and stir gently. When the shoe occupies the same shape as a dozen rubber neck clams serve with vanilla wafers and horseradish. End of the poor man's cookbook recording by Ezoa in Belgium in February 2010. End of the silly cyclopedia by Noel Lot.