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A Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester, Dennis Day, and yours truly, Don Wilson. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight we're broadcasting from Detroit, Michigan, the automobile capital of the world. But yesterday, they raised the prices of new automobiles. So today, we bring you the walking man, Jack Benny. Thank you. Hello again. This is Jack Benny talking, and Don, you're right. I haven't got a new car, but it's not that I haven't tried. You see, they're still an awful shorted. Oh, that's right, Jack. It's almost impossible to get a new car. You're not kidding, Don. This morning, I saw Kaiser and Fraser, they were both riding bicycles. And that hyphen between their name was on roller skates. But gee, I'd give anything to pick up a new car here. Well, Jack, I'm quite sure I can help you get one. How? Well, I don't like to brag, but I carry quite a bit of weight in this town. Well, I wish you, Don, would you mind repeating that? I said I carry quite a bit of weight in this town. Don, you carry... No, I won't say it. I won't say it. No, we were number one in the Hooper last week. Why take any chances? Anyway, Don, thanks for offering to help me, but I'm not sure. I'd like to get one of the latest model cars. They're so revolutionary. You know, no cranks in front or anything. Really? And another thing, they've made so many radical changes in the designs. Have you seen the rear end of the new Cadillac? Yes, why? It looks like two salmon swimming upstream to spawn. Believe me. Well, anyway, Jack, I'm glad we finally took this trip to Detroit. You know, I've needed a new car for three years, and I'm going to get it now. Well, Don, if you needed a car so badly, why didn't you get it back in Hollywood? I mean, why did you have to come to Detroit? For a fitting. Yes, I forgot. You do need a new car. Your old one is a little tight around the luggage compartment. Maybe you can let out the fenders, you see. Oh, hello, Mary. Hello, Jack, Don. Hello, everybody. Oh, well, Mary, how do you like it here? Oh, wonderful, Jack. Simply wonderful. To me, Detroit is one of the greatest cities in America. Well, you really do like it here, huh, Mary? Yes, Don, I love Detroit. First city of Michigan, first in automobile production and fourth in the American League. Mary, I didn't know you were interested in baseball. Well, I am. And, Jack, the other day, I went out to Briggs Field and I've got some bad news for you. What is it? Greenberg isn't on third anymore. I must tell my writers, they think Ty Cobb is still out in the left field there. Mary, have you seen many other things here in town? Oh, yes, Don. One of the places I visited was the Ford factory. You know, Ford sponsors Fred Allen. Gee, I can understand it. A progressive company like Ford going back to the Model T. And why should he be on the air for Ford, anyway, with that receding Ford head? He looks like a Studebaker. Oh, Jack, why don't you stop picking on Fred and admit that he's a very good comedian. Oh, he is. He's a very good comedian. Yeah, but I don't think that Fred should be on the air for an automobile. Fred should be sponsored by a ball bearing company. Why? Because every time I hear him, my stomach turns. Now let's stop talking about him. Okay. Anyway, Jack, yesterday I went out to the soda plant and I met the cutest engineer. I went out with him last night. At the soda plant? Did you have fun? Yeah. But you know, it seems that everyone around here is always thinking and talking in terms of automobiles. What do you mean, Mary? Well, this fellow took me out in the park and we sat down on a bench in a dark corner. Then he looked into my eyes and said, honey, do you know you have the nicest, shiniest pair of headlights I've ever seen? No. Yes. Then he looked at my lips and told me I had a great paint job. What technique? Then he put his finger on my nose, pushed a little and was awfully disappointed when my hat didn't go up. Gee. Then he kissed me and it did. Well, he kissed you. It serves your right going out with a strange man. Oh, Jack, I was properly introduced to him. And anyway, the only reason I went out with him is because I thought he might help me get a new disorder. No such luck. Well, say, Mary, maybe I can help you get a car here in Detroit. Oh, Don, that would be wonderful. Do you think you can do anything? Certainly. I carry quite a bit of weight in this town. Well, Don, I'd like... Wait a minute. Would you mind repeating that? I said, I carry quite a bit of weight in this town. Don, you carry so much. No, I won't say it. I won't say it. My landlord may be listening in. He's looking for an excuse to evict me. Mary, I want to commend you on your good taste. You know, I have the same opportunity in... Oh, hello, Dennis. Hello, Mr. Benny. Hello, everybody. Gee, I'm glad you made it on time, kid. You know, I haven't seen you since we arrived in Detroit. Well, that's right, Dennis. What have you been doing with yourself? Oh, I've been spending most of my time in my hotel room. Have you got a nice place? Oh, it's all right. I got a room with hot and cold running. Hot and cold running water? I don't know. There isn't any bathroom. Dennis, you mean you're staying in a room with no water? Uh-huh. Well, what do you do when you need a bath? Keep away from people. You take them, Don. Somehow he seems to tire me out. Okay. Tell me, Dennis, are you staying at the Book Cadillac Hotel? Oh, no. That's too expensive for me. But where are you staying? At the Book Chevrolet. Now, cut that out! Instead of all that silly talk, let's have your song. Okay. Now go ahead and... Oh, hold it, Dennis. Come in. Oh, Donna, we were supposed to have an interruption here, but we left the actor in Hollywood. Sing, Dennis. Go ahead. C.A. Victor recording, Mama McCushlin. Very good, Dennis. By the way, kid, I meant to ask you, how'd you like the train trip from Hollywood to Detroit? Not so good. I shared a compartment with Phil Harris, and I couldn't sleep a wink. You mean Phil kept you awake? Oh, no. I had the upper berth in it. It was awfully uncomfortable. I could hardly move in it. I didn't get any sleep at all, and I tried everything. I even went to bed early. Well, what time... What time do you have the porter put your berth down? Must have been pretty tired on the train, Dennis. I was. I'd wake up in the morning and my eyes would be just as red as Phil's, and I didn't have half the fun. Well, kid, I hope... I hope you... I hope you're getting enough sleep now that you're here in Detroit. No, I'm in a pretty terrible hotel. I'd like to get rooms at a decent place, but they're all booked up. Could you help me get a room, Mr. Benny? Well, I don't think so. I don't know many people here in Detroit. Well, now perhaps I can help you, Dennis. I carry quite a bit of weight in this town. Gee, that would be... Would you mind saying that again? I said, uh, I carry quite a bit of weight in this town. You carry so much. No, I won't say it. I won't say it. I have another show in Hollywood, and I want it to be there when I get back. That's the first sensible thing you've said today, kid. You know, if you would just... Come in. Hello, Mr. Benny Boy. Well, if it is, then, Mr. Kitzel, what are you doing here in Detroit? Well, I came here to show something to the automobile manufacturers. I have the most wonderful automobile. Really? Yes, it runs on the ground. It runs under the water. It flies through the air. It even climbs up trees. Gee, that's wonderful. When did you get an automobile like that? I always had it, but I never knew it would do all those things till my wife drove it. Is that a brand new car, Mr. Kitzel? Oh, shit. It's an old car. It's a Rolls-Conardley. Uh, a Rolls-Conardley? Yes, it rolls down one hill and can hardly get up the next. For Kitzel. Oh, excuse me. That's a joke I heard on the radio on the Ozzie and Horowitz program. So that's Ozzie and Harriet. Well, Mr. Kitzel, are you leaving town right away? No, no, no. I'm thinking of staying here and playing with the Detroit Tigers. We're going to play with the Detroit Tigers. Why? Who knows? Maybe 10 men will help. Wait a minute, Mr. Kitzel. You see, every baseball team has its off days. That's why they're starting to play here at night, you see? And by the way, Mr. Kitzel, before you leave town, I want you to come over and see my stage show. You know, we're playing here at the Fox Theater this week. Bill Harris, Rochester, the sportsman quartet, and Marilyn Maxwell. Yeah, I know. I saw it the first day I got into town and that Marilyn Maxwell, if you'll pardon the expression, who, who, who. Oh, she certainly is beautiful, isn't she? Yes. And what a shape. This is the first Maxwell I ever saw with a body by Fisher. Well, she'll really appreciate the compliment, Mr. Kitzel. I'll tell her when I see her. And it was nice of you to drop in to see my stage show. Well, I've seen it nine times already since I arrived here in town. Well, nine times. Yes. Tonight, I hope I can get a room. Well, maybe after the show I can help you, Mr. Kitzel. Oh, thank you, Mr. Benny Boy. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye, Mr. Kitzel. Well, come on, kids. Let's finish the show and get back. I'll say, Jack, before you go any further, I wondered if you'd mind letting the quartet do their number now. Oh, yes. Yes, the sportsman. Hello, fellas. Jack, the quartet's going to Cleveland with you, aren't they? Yes. We opened at the Palace Theater in Cleveland Friday. Well, Jack, they want to know if they can leave right after your Cleveland engagement. You see, they've got to go to Philadelphia to sing at the Republican Convention. Oh, how come they're only singing at the Republican Convention? The Democrats have Margaret. Is that all they're going to do? Is that all they're going for? No, no. They're going to be delegates, too. Delegates? Well, that's interesting. Who are they going to vote for? Say, I never thought to ask them. Say, fellas, who are you going to vote for? The man that we'll vote for is F.B. Boone. He sells cigarettes morning, night, and noon. About him, we are wild. He's so round and so firm and so naturally mild. The man that he works with is Speedy Rates. From Golden to Backel, they make Benny's wigs. While they're planting, they'll be chanting. You can hear them from Mobile to Scranton. O yes, indeed our vote goes to Speedy and Boo. I'm not here in Detroit. No boys, we're guests here. Yes, and quality of product is essential for Jungó Now look, I'm not here! The boys! Wait a minute! And look, I recognize fella, back where you're gone and in a lot of trouble! Wait! I'm a bonus-built boy. I mean, how can you let them do that to me? Well, Jack, it's your own fault that the quartet upset you. Why'd you bring them along on the trip? Any time I can get four of anything for the price of one I take it. That's why I hired you, too. Are you getting a straight salary at the Fox Theatre? Or are you working on a percentage? Well, I get a percentage on every ticket that's sold. Why? Well, while the boys were singing, this note came to you from the manager of the theatre. What does it say? It says, dear Jack, you were right. The total attendance yesterday was 22,307 instead of 22,306. How you can count with that spotlight in your eyes, I'll never know. Of course I was right. I only made one mistake since I've been here, and that wasn't my fault. There was a man sitting in the fifth row of the balcony with two heads. One of them was asleep on his own shoulder. Imagine us riding that without George. You know, Mary, accounting the house is one of the first things I've ever learned. So far, folks, this show has smelled, but now Harris is here and I'm jet-propelled. Turn it on, ladies and gentlemen, for the benefit of the few of you who haven't been blown out of your seats, this is whispering Jack Smith. Hello, Phil. Hiya, Jackson Dennis. Ah, lovey, lovely, lovey. Oh, look at that streamlined chassis with those beautiful accessories. Hello, Phil. I know it's silly to ask you, but have you been enjoying yourself here? Love it, lovey, love it. You know, Detroit's a great town, and just think, this big city, all these millions of people, all these big factories, these thousands of workers, none of them would have been here today if Marconi hadn't invented the automobile. Phil, for your information, Marconi didn't invent the auto, he invented radio. Oh, yeah, yeah, that's right. Imagine me making a mistake like that when I know so much about inventors. Oh, fine. Well, if you don't believe me, go ahead, ask me any question you want to about them inventors. Okay, who invented the electric light? Edison? Hmm, pretty good. Who invented the telegraph? Morse? Hey, that's right. Who invented the cotton gin? Gordon? I knew it couldn't laugh. Well, listen, Jackson, if you think that's bad, you should hear what Remly did. He's been waiting for years to come here and get a car, so it would be F.O.B. Detroit. What's wrong with that? He thinks F.O.B. means full-o bourbon. Oh, Harris, you're just like the new Osmobile, beautiful, but shipless. Well, you can save those jokes for our stage show. If the people don't like them there, you know, they can walk out. Here, we got them trained. Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute, never mind. Look, Jackson, I got a squawk about my villain coming at that theater. Well, what's the matter, Phil? Plenty, plenty's the matter. I took pictures of the marquee, and my name ain't even on it. Now, here, look. Let's see, Fox Theater now showing Jack Benny and... Oh, for heaven's sake, Phil. Look, here it is, right on the second line. P-H-I-L-H-A-R-R-I-S. Phil Harris. Oh, is that what that spells? Yes, and listen, why are we talking about... Say, Mr. Benny, you want to see something funny? Huh? Put your finger on my nose and push. What? Put your finger on my nose and push. Okay, there. Dennis, what happened? Yesterday I was going through one of the automobile factories and my head got caught in the assembly line. Oh, go sit down. Okay. And stop pulling your ear. I'm turning my lights off. Now, Phil, getting back to our vaudeville show, I got a couple of complaints to make too. Such as what? Such as when you do that love scene with Marilyn Maxwell. When you kiss her, why do you have to kiss her so long? Listen, Jackson, you ain't paying the girl nothing. Let her have some fun. You think kissing you is fun? Certainly, you don't think I hung on to Alice with just my lousy music? No, no. Well, look, Phil, let's not discuss your love life. I'm talking about our vaudeville show. Another thing, I don't like the way you deliver some of your jokes. You're pressing too hard. Okay. I'll watch it, Jackson. You know more about that than I do. And don't make such a slow exit after your number. Get off the stage fast. It'll help your applause. You see? Okay, I will. You know more about those things than I do. And another thing, I think your tempo is much too fast when you sing, that's what I like about the... Now, hold it, Dad! Hold it! Huh? I don't mind you telling me how to deliver jokes. Look, Phil. And I don't mind you telling me how to make an exit. Phil. But telling me how to sing, that's what I like about the south is like Henry Allrich telling Dr. Kinsey about the birds and bees. Well, Phil, I didn't mean to offend you. Anyway, Jackson, right, Phil, I don't think your band sounds good. Well, I know it don't, but it ain't my fault, Liv. That theater has an awful piano. We'd sound a lot better if it had a good one. Well, I'm sorry, Phil. I can't help you there. Well, maybe Don can help me. Hey, Donzie, can you help me? You carry quite a bit of weight in this town. Yes, I... Hey, wait a minute, Phil. Would you mind repeating that? I said you carry quite a bit of weight in this town. I sure do, Phil, especially around my suburbs. Oh, Wilson, you may take up half the stage, but you're worth it. Well, Don, you finally got your little fat joke in, didn't you? Are you happy now? Oh, there's a phone. I'll get it. Hello? Hello, Mr. Banders. Rochester. Oh, Rochester, what'd you call for? Well, I've got some bad news for you. What is it? I'm at the hotel and one of your trunks is missing. There are only two here. Oh, my goodness. Which one of the trunks was lost? The one with the strap around her or the one with the rope? The one with the Scotch tape. Well, what have you done about it? Well, I called your insurance company and the jester is here now. I'm giving him a list of the things that were lost. First, you're a blonde toupee with the cowlick. My blonde toupee? Well, I've got two like that. Which one do you mean? The one that makes you look like an aging band, Johnson. Oh, gee, that was my Saturday night one. I know, boss. And I'm charging them $30 for it. Wait a minute, Rochester. That toupee only cost me $3. That's what the bait cost, but look at the time you spent trapping it. Well, I consider that a sport. Now, what else was lost, Rochester? One electric iron, soap, starch, blue and then laundry tickets. Gee, that's too bad. Well, boss, I'm kind of glad we lost all that laundry stuff, especially now that we're traveling and have no washing machine. Why? I get awful tired sitting in a bathtub full of clothes and kicking my feet. Well, that's good exercise, Rochester. Wait a minute. I hope we didn't lose the trunk that had my violin in it. That was it, boss. And the man is allowing you $12 for that. $12? Rochester, the violin bow alone is worth $12. The horse hair in it came from Whirlaway. I told him that. What did he say? He said he wouldn't give you $12 for that bow if Whirlaway was still attached to it. Eddie R. Carroll was riding it, and it was five lengths ahead in the Kentucky Derby. Well, what did he say about my violin? Oh, he wasn't original at all. Well, I'll take that up with the insurance adjuster myself. And I'll see you later. Goodbye. Goodbye. Oh, say, boss. Now what? Would it be all right if I took the night off? I'm kind of anxious to go over to Canada. Well, I guess it'll be all right, Rochester. It is a pleasant drive across the Ambassador Bridge. Oh, I'm not going across the bridge. I'm going through the tunnel. Tunnel? Is there a tunnel under the Detroit River? Yeah, doing probation. Phil Harris dug it with his bands. Oh, yes. I remember he bit his way through the last two miles. Goodbye, Rochester. Goodbye. Like Rochester. Every time I leave town, he loses something. Jack will be back in just a minute, but first... At 50, say, I'm not a... I'm American. Lucky strike. First again with Tobacco Man. More independent tobacco experts smoke Lucky Strike regularly than the next two leading brands combined. Yes, more than the next two leading brands combined. Lucky Strike. First again with Tobacco Man. That's what a recent impartial survey shows. Now, listen to what Mr. Ray Oglesby, 17 years at Tobacco Auctioneer, recently said. At thousands of auctions, I've seen the making of Tobacco Man. At thousands of auctions, I've seen the makers of Lucky Strike by fine, ripe tobacco. The kind of tobacco you can't beat for smoking enjoyment. I've smoked Lucky 17 years. So light up a Lucky. Puff by puff, you'll see. LSMFT. LSMFT. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. So round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. So smoke the smoke. Tobacco experts smoke. Lucky Strike. First again with Tobacco Man. Lucky Strike. Ladies and gentlemen, I want to thank everybody for being so nice to us here in Detroit and we'll be at the Fox Theater till Wednesday. So come in and let Jack count you. Yes. And we hope to see all our friends in Cleveland when we open at the Palace Theater Friday. And next Sunday we'll be broadcasting from the Carter Hotel in Cleveland, Ohio. Now let's see what else. Oh Jack, a note just came from your room clerk at the hotel where you're staying. The room clerk? What does it say? It says that, dear Mr. Benny, I took the matter up with the manager and he says the price of your room cannot be reduced as no one asks you to launder the bed linen yourself. Hmm. However, we're curious to find out why every piece of your linen has Rochester's footprints on it. Gee, I told Rochester he was kicking too hard and Cleveland, I'll have to make them wear socks. Good night, folks. This is NBC, the national broadcasting company.