 Chapter 13 of Gargantua and Pantagruel, Book 1. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Martin Geeson. Gargantua and Pantagruel, Book 1, by Rable. Translated by Sir Thomas Urquhart. Chapter 13. How Gargantua's wonderful understanding became known to his father, Rangusie, by the invention of a Toshkul, or Wipe Breach. Throughout the end of the fifth year, Rangusie, returning from the conquest of the Canarians, went by the way to see his son Gargantua. There was he filled with joy, as such a father might be at the sight of such a child of his. And whilst he kissed and embraced him, he asked many childish questions of him about diver's matters, and drank very freely with him and with his governesses, of whom in great earnest he asked, amongst other things, whether they had been careful to keep him clean and sweet. To this Gargantua answered that he had taken such a course for that himself, that in all the country there was not to be found a cleanlier boy than he. How is that? said Rangusie. I have, answered Gargantua, by a long and curious experience found out a means to wipe my bum, the most lordly, the most excellent, and the most convenient that ever was seen. What is that? said Rangusie. How is it? I will tell you by and by, said Gargantua. Once I did wipe me with a gentle woman's velvet mask, and found it to be good, for the softness of the silk was very voluptuous and pleasant to my fundament, another time with one of their hoots, and in like manner that was comfortable, at another time with a lady's necker-chief, and after that I wiped me with some ear-pieces of hers made of crimson satin, but there was such a number of golden spangles in them, turdy round things, a pox take them, that they fetched away all the skin of my tail with a vengeance. Now I wished St. Antony's fire burn the bum-gut of the goldsmith that made them, and of her that wore them. This hurt I cured by wiping myself with a page's cap, garnished with a feather after the Switzer's fashion. Afterwards in dunging behind a bush I found a march-cat, and with it I wiped my breech, but her claws were so sharp that they scratched and exalcerated all my perini. Of this I recovered the next morning thereafter by wiping myself with my mother's gloves of a most excellent perfume and scent of the Arabian Benin. After that I wiped me with sage, with fennel, with annet, with margarine, with roses, with gourd-leaves, with beets, with coal-wort, with leaves of the vine-tree, with mallows, wool-blade, which is a tail scarlet, with lettuce and with spinach-leaves. All this did very great good to my leg. Then with mercury, with parsley, with nettles, with comfrey, but that gave me the bloody flux of lombardy, which I healed by wiping me with my braguette. Then I wiped my tail in the sheets, in the covalet, in the curtains, with a cushion, with aras hangings, with a green carpet, with a tablecloth, with a napkin, with a handkerchief, with a combing cloth, in all which I found more pleasure than do the mangy dogs when you do rub them. Ye but, said Grand Gousier, which toche-cul did you find to be the best? I was coming to it, said Gargantua, and by and by you shall hear the two out-em, and know the whole mystery and not of the matter. I wiped myself with hay, with straw, with thatch-rushes, with flax, with wool, with paper. But who his foul tail with paper-wipes shall at his bollocks leave some chips? What, said Grand Gousier, my little rogue, hast thou been at the pot, that thou dost rhyme already? Yes, yes, my lord the king, answered Gargantua, I can rhyme gallantly, and rhyme till I become horse with room. Hark! What our privy says to the skyters! Shittered, squittered, crackered, turdous, thy bung hath flung, some dung on us, filthed, cackered, stinkered, sent Antony's fire seize on thy bone, if thy dirt it down by thou, do not wipe ere thou be gone. Will you have any more of it? Yes, yes, answered Grand Gousier. Then, said Gargantua, around a lay. In shitting yesterday I did know the sess I to my arse did owe. The smell was such, came from that slunk, that I was with it all bestunk. O had but then some brave senior, brought her to me I waited for, in shitting. I would have cleft her water-gap, and joined it close to my flip-flap. Whilst she had with her fingers guarded my foul nock-andro, all be murdered in shitting. Now say that I can do nothing! By the mer-die! They are not of my making, but I heard them of this good old grand-dam, that you see here, and ever since have retained them in the budget of my memory. Let us return to our purpose, said Grand Gousier. What, said Gargantua, to skite? No, said Grand Gousier, but to wipe our tail. But, said Gargantua, will not you be content to pay a punchion of bret on wine, if I do not blank and gravel you in this matter, and put you to a non-plus? Yes, truly, said Grand Gousier. There is no need of wiping one's tail, said Gargantua, but when it is foul, foul it cannot be, unless one have been a skiting. Skite, then, we must, before we wipe our tails. Oh, my pretty little waggish boy, said Grand Gousier, what an excellent wit thou hast! I will make thee very shortly proceed doctor in the jovial quirks of gay learning, and that, by God, for thou hast more wit than age. Now, I pretty, go on in this torcheculative, or wipe bummetary discourse, and by my beard I swear, for one punchion thou shalt have three score pipes. I mean of the good bret on wine, not that which grows in Britain, but in the good country of Verran. Afterwards, I wiped my bum, said Gargantua, with a kerchief, with a pillow, with a pantoufle, with a pouch, with a pannier, but that was a wicked and unpleasant torchecul, then with a hat. Of hats, note that some are shorn, and others shaggy, some velveted, others covered with taffetes, and others with satin. The best of all these is the shaggy hat, for it makes a very neat upsturgion of the fecal matter. Afterwards I wiped my tail with a hen, with a cock, with a pullet, with a carved of skin, with a hair, with a pigeon, with a cormorant, with an attorney's bag, with a montero, with a coiff, with a falconer's lure. But to conclude, I say and maintain, that of all torcheculs, arse wisps, bum fodders, tail napkins, bunghole cleansers, and wipe breeches, there is none in the world comparable to the neck of a goose, that is well downed, if you hold her head betwixt your legs. And believe me therein upon my honour, for you will thereby feel in your knockhole a most wonderful pleasure, both in regard of the softness of the sed down, and of the temperate heat of the goose, which is easily communicated to the bum-gut, and the rest of the innards, insofar as to come even to the regions of the heart and brains. And think not that the felicity of the heroes and demigods in the Elysian fields consisted either in their asphodel, ambrosia, or nectar, as our old women here used to say, but in this, according to my judgment, that they wipe their tails with the neck of a goose, holding her head betwixt their legs. And such is the opinion of Master John of Scotland, alias Scootus. CHAPTER XIV of Gargantua and Pantagruel, Book I by Francois Rabelais, translated by Sir Thomas Urquhart. This is a Librebox recording. All Librebox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit Librebox.org. CHAPTER XIV, Book I, How Gargantua Was Studd Latin by a Sophister The good man, Grand Guizier, having heard this discourse, was ravaged with admiration considering the high reach and marvelous understanding of his son Gargantua and said to his governesses, Philip, King of Macedon, knew the great width of his son, Alexander, by his skillful managing of a horse. For his horse Busephalus was so fierce and unruly that none durst adventured to ride him. After that, he had given to his riders such devilish foals, breaking the neck of this man, the other man's leg, braining one and putting one other out of his jawbone. This by Alexander being considered one day in a hippodrome, which was a place appointed for the breaking and managing of great horses, he perceived that the fury of the horse proceeded merrily from the fear he had of his own shadow, whereupon getting on his back, he runned him against the sun so that the shadow fell behind, and by that means tamed the horse and brought him to his hand. Whereby his father, knowing the divine judgment that was in him, caused him most carefully to be instructed by Aristotle who at that time was highly renowned about all the philosophers of Greece. After the same manner I tell you that by this only discourse which now I have here had before you with my son Gargantua, I know that this understanding does participate of some divinity and that if he we well thought and have that education which is fitting, he will attain to a supreme degree of wisdom. Therefore, will I commit him to some learned man to have him indoctrinated according to his capacity and will spare no cost. Presently, they appointed him a great sufficer doctor called Master Tuval Holofurnis who taught him his ABC so well that he could say it by heart backwards and about this he was five years and three months. Then, read he to him Donat, Livose, Theodolet and Alanus in parabolis. About this he was thirteen years, six months and two weeks. But you most remark that in the meantime he did learn to write in gothic characters and that he wrote all his books for the art of printing was not then in use and did ordinarily carry a great pen and inkhorn waging about seven thousand quintals that is seven hundred thousand pound weight, the penner were off was as big and as long as the great pillars of N.A. and the horn was hanging to it in great iron chains it being of the whiteness of a ton of merchant wear. After that he read on to him the book The Modi's Significandy with the commentaries of Heartbeats, of Fasqueen, of Trapdue, of Walho, of John Calf, of Bologna, of Barlinguendus and a rabble of orders. And hearing he spent more than eighteen years and eleven months and was so well-burst in it that to try masteries in school disputes with his condisciples he would recite it by heart backwards and did sometimes prove on his finger ends to his mother Cuau de Modi's Significandy non-eradiciencia. Then did he read to him the compost for now in the age of the moon, the seasons of the year and tides of the sea on which he spent sixteen years and two months and that justly at the time that his self-perceptor died of French books which was in the year of one thousand four hundred and twenty. Afterward he got an all-cuffing fellow to teach him, named Master Jabalim Bride or Muscled Dalt who read on to him Huguetiu Hebrard's Gracism, the Doctrinal, the Parts, the Quidea, the Supplementum, Marmotretus, the Moribus in Mensa Cervantes, Seneca, the Quatur, Virtutibus, Cardinalibus, Pasabantus, Comcomento and Dormi, secure for the holidays and some other of such like mealy stuff by reading whereof he became as wise as any we ever since baked in an oven. End of chapter 14 of Gargantua and Pantagrille, Book 1. Chapter 15 of Gargantua and Pantagrille, Book 1 by Francois Rabelais, translated by Sir Thomas Urquhart. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Mario Pineda. Chapter 15. How Gargantua was put under other school masters. At the last, his father perceived that indeed he studied hard and that, although he spent all his time in it, he did nevertheless profit nothing, but which is worse, grew thereby foolish, simple, dotted and blockish, whereof making a heavy regret of them Philip von Marais, Mr. Roy or deputy king of Pepele goes, he found that it were better for him to learn nothing at all than to be taught such like books under such school masters. Because their knowledge was nothing but brutishness, and their wisdom but blunt, foppish toys, serving only to bastardize good and noble spirits, and to corrupt all the flower of youth. That it is so take, said he, any young boy of this time who hath only studied two years. If he hath not a better judgment, a better discourse, and that expressed in better terms than your son, with a completer courage and civility to all manner of persons, account me for ever hereafter a very clench of bacon slice or brin. This pleased Grand Guzier very well, and he commanded that it should be done. At night at supper, he said, this Marais brought in a young page of his, a Bill Gouge, called Eudomon, so neat, so trim, so handsome in his appeal, so spruce, with his hair in so good order, and so sweet and comely in his behavior, that he had the resemblance of a little angel more than a human creature. Then he said to Grand Guzier, do you see this young boy? He is not as yet full 12 years old. Let us try, if it pleased you, what difference there is betwixt the knowledge of the dotting meteorologians of all time and the young light star are now. The trial pleased Grand Guzier, and he commanded the page to begin. Then Eudomon, asking leave of the byskin his master so to do, with his cap in his hand, a clear and open countenance, beautiful unruly lips, his eyes steady, and his looks fixed upon gargantua, with a jostle modesty, standing up straight on his feet, began very gracefully to command him. First for his virtue and good manners, secondly for his knowledge, thirdly for his nobility, fourthly for his bodily accomplishments, and in the fifth place most sweetly exhorted him to reverence his father with all the observancy who was so careful to have him well brought up. In the end he prayed him that he would bushave to admit of him amongst list of his servants, for the other favor at that time desired he none of heaven, and that he might do him some grateful unacceptable service. All these was by him delivered with such proper gestures, such distinct pronunciation, so pleasant a delivery, in such exquisite fine terms, and so good Latin that he seemed rather a grouchus, or a chisor, and a milius of a time past than a youth of his age. But all the countenance that gargantua kept was that he felt to cry and like a cow, and cast down his face, hiding it with his cup, nor could they possibly draw one war from him, no more than a fart from a dead ass, where at his father was so grievously bext that he would have killed master Joblin, but this said Desmarais would help him from it by fair persuasions so that at length he pacify his wrath. Then, Grand Guzier commanded he should be paid his wages, than they should widdle him absently like a sophister, with good drink, and then give him leave to go to all the devils in hell. At least, said he, today shall he not cause his host much if, by chance, he should die as drunk as a switzer. Master Joblin, being gone out of the house, Grand Guzier consulted with the viseroid what schoolmaster they should choose for him, and it was bewitched them resolve that, Ponecratis, the tutor of you the moon, should have the charge, and that they should go all together to Paris to know what was the study of the young men of France at that time. End of Chapter 15 of Gargantua and Ponta-Grille, Book 1. Chapter 16 of Gargantua and Ponta-Grille, Book 1 by François Rebellé, translated by Sir Thomas Urgaard. This is a Librebox recording. All Librebox recordings are in the public domain. For more information, or to volunteer, please visit Librebox.org. Recording by Mario Pineda. Chapter 16, Book 1. How Gargantua was sent to Paris, and of the huge great mayor that he rode on, how she destroyed the oxflies of the booths. In the same season, Fayols, the fourth king of the media, sent out of the country of Africa to Grand Guzier the most hideously great mayor that ever was in, and of the strangest form. For you know well enough how it is said that Africa always is productive of some new thing. She was as big as six elephants, and had her feet clubbing into fingers like Julius Caesar's horse, with slouch-hanging ears, like the goats in Languedoc, and a little horn on her buttock. She was of a burnt sorrel hue, with a little mixture of dappled gray spots, but above all she had a horrible tale. For it was little more or less than every width as great as the stipple pillar of Saint Mark's Beside Lines, and as squared as that is, with tufts and any crocs, or hairplates wrought within one another no otherwise than as the birds are upon the ears of corn. If you wonder at this, wonder rather at the tales of the Scythian rums, which weighted about 30 pounds each, and of the Sorian sheep who kneed, if to note say true, a little cart at their heels to bear up their tale, it is so long and heavy. You female lechers in the plain countries have no such tales, and she was brought by sea in three carts, and a brigantine onto the harbor of Olón in Talmundoa. When Grand Guizier saw her, here is, said he, what is fit to carry my son to parties. So now, in the name of God, all will be welled. He will in times coming be a greatest scholar. If it were not my masters, for the beasts, we should live like clerks. The next morning, after they had drunk, you must understand, they took their journey. Nargantua, his pedagogues, and his train, and with them Yudimun, the young page. And because the weather was fair and temperate, his father caused to be made for him a pair of dumb boots, but being called them boskins. Thus did they merrily pass their time in traveling on their highway, always making good cheer, and were very pleasant till they came a little above Orleans, in which place there was a forest of five and thirty leagues long, and seventeen in breadth, or thereabouts. The forest was most horrible fertile, and copious indoor flies, hornets, and wasps, so that it was a very purgatory for the poor mares, asses, and horses. But Gargantua's mare did avenge herself handsomely of all the outraches daring committed upon beasts of her kind, and that by a trick were off they had no suspicion. For as soon as ever they were entered into the sad forest, and that the wasps had given the assault, she drew out an unshittered her tail, and therewith skirmishing did so sweep them, that she overthrew all the wood alongs an atwarf, here and there, this way and that way, long ways and sideways, over and under, and felt everywhere the wood, with as much ease as a mower doth the grass, in such short that never since hath there been neither wood nor door flies. For all the country was thereby reduced to a plain champagne field. Which Gargantua took great pleasure to behold, and say to his company no more about this, ye trouve Buseu, I find this pretty, whereupon that country hath been ever since that time called Buse. But all the breakfast the mare got that day was but a little joan in angaping. In memory were off the gentlemen of Buse, do as yet to this day break their fast angaping, which they find to be very good, and do speed the better for it. At last they came to Paris, where Gargantua refreshed himself two or three days, making very merry with his folks, and inquiring what men of learning there were in the city, and what time they drunk here. End of chapter 16 of Gargantua and Pantagruel, book 1. Chapter 17 of Gargantua and Pantagruel, book 1. This is a LibriVox recording, all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Martin Giesen. Gargantua and Pantagruel, book 1. By François Rablet. Translated by Sir Thomas Erkut. Chapter 17. How Gargantua paid his welcome to the Parisians, and how he took away the great bells of our Lady's Church. Some few days after that they had refreshed themselves, he went to see the city, and was beheld of everybody there with great admiration, for the people of Paris are so sottish, so badoo, so foolish and fondened by nature, that a juggler, a carrier of indulgences, a sumpter horse, or mule with cymbals or tinkling bells, a blind fiddler in the middle of a cross-lane shall draw a greater confluence of people together than an evangelical preacher. And they pressed so hard upon him, that he was constrained to rest himself upon the towers of our Lady's Church. At which place, seeing so many about him, he said with a loud voice, I believe that these buzzards will have me to pay them here, my welcome hither, and my proficiat. It is but good reason, I will now give them their wine, but it shall only be in sport. Then smiling, he untied his fair braguette, and drawing out his mentul into the open air, he so bitterly all to be pissed them, that he drowned 260,418, besides the women and little children. Some nevertheless of the company escaped this piss-flood by mere speed of foot, who, when they were at the higher end of the university, sweating, coughing, spitting, and out of breath, they began to swear and curse. Some in good, hot, earnest, and others in jest. Carimari, carimara, golinoli, golinolo, by my sweet sanctus, we are washed in sport, a sport truly to laugh at, in French, parrie, for which that city hath been ever since called Parrain, whose name formerly was Leucotia, as Strabo testifies Lipquartos from the Greek word Leucotis, whiteness, because of the white thighs of the ladies of that place, and for as much as this imposition of a new name, all the people that were there swore everyone by the sancts of his parish, the Parisians, which are patched up of all nations and all pieces of countries, are by nature both good jurors and good jurists, and somewhat overweening, whereupon Ioanninus de Barraco, Libro de copiositate rewerentiarum, thinks that they are called Parisians from the Greek word Parresia, which signifies boldness and liberty in speech. This done, he considered the great bells, which were in the said towers, and made them sound very harmoniously, which whilst he was doing, it came into his mind that they would serve very well for tingling cantons and ringing campanels to hang about his mare's neck when she should be sent back to his father, as he intended to do, loaded with brie cheese and fresh herring, and indeed he forthwith carried them to his lodging. In the meanwhile there came a master beggar of the Friars of St. Antony to demand in his canting way the usual benevolence of some hoggish stuff, who that he might be heard afar off, and to make the bacon he was in quest of shake in the very chimneys, made a count to vilch them away privily. Nevertheless, he left them behind very honestly, not for that they were too hot, but that they were somewhat too heavy for his carriage. This was not he of Bork, for he was too good a friend of mine. All the city was risen up in sedition, they being as you know, upon any slight occasion, so ready to uproars and insurrections, that foreign nations wonder at the patience of the kings of France, who do not by good justice restrain them from such tumultuous courses, seeing the manifold inconveniences which then surrise from day to day. Would to God I knew the shop wherein are forged these divisions and factious combinations, that I might bring them to light in the confraternities of my parish. Believe for a truth that the place wherein the people gathered together, where thus sulphured, oporimated, moiled, and bepissed, was called Nel, where then was, but now is no more, the oracle of Leucotia. There was the case proposed, and the inconvenience showed of the transporting of the bells. After they had well ergoed pro and con, they concluded in Baralipton, that they should send the oldest and most sufficient of the faculty unto Gargantua, to signify unto him the great and horrible prejudice they sustain by the want of those bells. And not withstanding the good reasons given in by some of the university, why this charge was fitter for an orator, than a sophister. There was chosen for this purpose our master Janotus de Bragmardo. End of chapter 17. Recording by Martin Geeson in Hazelmere Surrey, chapter 18 of Gargantua and Pantagruel, book 1. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information, or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Martin Geeson. Gargantua and Pantagruel, book 1 by François Rablet, translated by Sir Thomas Urquhart. Chapter 18. How Janotus de Bragmardo was sent to Gargantua to recover the great bells. Master Janotus, with his hair cut round, like a dish a la cesarene, in his most antique acutament, li-repipionated with a graduate's hood, and having sufficiently antidoted his stomach with oven marmalades, that is, bread and holy water of the cellar, transported himself to the lodging of Gargantua, driving before him three red-muzzled beetles, and dragging after him five or six artless masters, all thoroughly bedraggled with the mire of the streets. At their entry, ponocrities met them, who was afraid seeing them so disguised, and thought they had been some maskers out of their wits, which moved him to inquire of one of the said artless masters of the company, what this mummery meant. It was answered him that they desired to have their bells restored to them. As soon as ponocrities heard that, he ran in all haste to carry the news unto Gargantua, that he might be ready to answer them, and speedily resolve what was to be done. Gargantua, being advertised hereof, called apart his schoolmaster ponocrities, Filotema, steward of the house, Guimnastes, his esquire, and Eudemon, and very summarily conferred with them both of what he should do and what answer he should give. They were all of opinion that they should bring them unto the goblet office, which is the buttery, and there make them drink like roisters, and line their jacket soundly, and that this coffer might not be puffed up with vain glory, by thinking the bells were restored at his request. They sent, whilst he was choppining and plying the pot, for the mayor of the city, the rector of the faculty, and the vicar of the church, unto whom they resolved to deliver the bells before the sophister had propounded his commission. After that, in their hearing, he should pronounce his gallant oration, which was done, and they being come, the sophister was brought in full hall, and began as followeth, in coughing. End of Chapter 18 Recording by Martin Geeson in Hazelmere Surrey Chapter 19 of Gargantua and Pantagruel Book 1 This is a LibriVox recording, all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information, or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Martin Geeson Gargantua and Pantagruel Book 1 by François Rablet translated by Sir Thomas Urquette Chapter 19 The Oration of Master Yanotos de Pragmardo for Recovery of the Bells Good day, sirs, good day. It will be my masters. It were but reason that you should restore to us our bells, for we have great need of them. We have often times, here to fore, refused good money for them, of those of Rondon in Ta'ach, ye, and those of Bordeaux in Brie, who would have bought them for the substantive quality of the elementary complexion, which is intronificated in the terrestriity of their quidditative nature, to extraneize the blasting mists and whirlwinds upon our vines. Indeed, not ours, but these round about us. For if we lose the piety and liquor of the grape, we lose all, both sense and law. If you restore them unto us at my request, I shall gain by it six basketfuls of sausages and a fine pair of britches, which will do my legs a great deal of good, or else they will not keep their promise to me. Ah, by God, Domine, a pair of britches is good, et wir sapiens non aborebit eam. A pair of britches is not so easily got. I have experience of it myself. Consider, Domine, I have been these eighteen days in matter-grabbalizing this brave speech. Redite quae sunt Caesaris, Caesari, et quae sunt Dei, Deio. Ibiacet lebus. By my faith, Domine, if you will sap with me in Cameris, by cox, bodhe, caritatis, nos faciemus bonum cherubin. Ego, occhitudunum porcum. Et ego habet bonum vino. But of good wine we cannot make bad Latin. Well, departe Dei, date nobis bellas nostras. Hold, I give you in the name of the faculty sermones de utinam. And, utinam, you would give us a bellus. Ultus etiam, pardonus. Per diemos habebitis et nihil peyabitis. Oh, Domine, bella givea minur nobis. Verile est bonum wobis. They are useful to everybody. If they fit your mare well, so do they do our faculty. Quae comparata est, umentis incipientibus et similis factor estis. Psalmo neschio cor. Yet I did quote it in my notebook. For I prove unto you that you should give me them. Ego sic argumentor. Omnis bella belabilis. In belerio belando. Belans belativo. Belare facit. Belabiliter belantes. Parisias habet belas. Ergo. This is spoken to some purpose. It is in tertio prima, in dari, or elsewhere. By myself I have seen the time that I could play the devil in arguing, but now I am much failed. And henceforth want nothing but a cup of good wine, a good bed, my back to the fire, my belly to the table, and a good deep dish. Domine, I beseech you, in nomine patris fili et spiritus sancti amen, to restore unto us our bells. And God keep you from evil, and our Lady from health, qui vivit et regnat per omnia secula secularum. Amen. Herum eni muero, quando qui dem dubio procul. Edipol quoniam i tacerte medius stidius. A town without bells is like a blind man without a staff, an ass without a cropper, and a cow without symbols. Bevel, be assured, until you have restored them to us, we will never leave crying after you, like a blind man that has lost his staff, braying like an ass without a cropper, and making a noise like a cow without symbols. A certain Latinisata dwelling near the hospital said since producing the authority of one tapornus. I lie, it was one Pontanus, the secular poet, who wished those bells had been made of feathers, and the clapper of a fox tail, to the end that they might have begot a chronicle in the bowels of his brain, when he was about the composing of his carminiformal lines. But he was declared unheritag. We make them ass of wax, and no more seth the deponent. Laudite calipinus ricensuil. End of chapter 19 Recording by Martin Gheeson in Hazelmere Surrey Chapter 20 of Gargantua and Pantagruel Book 1 This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Martin Gheeson Gargantua and Pantagruel Book 1 by François Rablet Translated by Sir Thomas Urquette Chapter 20 How the Sophista carried away his cloth, and how he had a suit in law against the other masters. The Sophista had no sooner ended, but ponocrities and eudaemon burst out in a laughing so heartily, that they had almost split with it, and given up the ghost in rendering their souls to God. Even just as Crassus did, seeing a lubbly ass eat thistles, and as Philemon, who, for seeing an ass, eat those figs which were provided for his own dinner, died with force of laughing. Together with them Master Yannotus fell a laughing too, as fast as he could, in which mood of laughing they continued so long, that their eyes did water by the vehement concussion of the substance of the brain, by which these lacrimal humidities, being pressed out, glided through the optic nerves, and so to the full represented Democritus Heraclitizing, and Heraclitus Democritizing. When they had done laughing, Gargantua consulted with the prime of his retinue what should be done. There ponocrities was of opinion that they should make this fair orator, drink again, and seeing he had showed them more pastime, and made them laugh more than a natural soul could have done, that they should give him ten baskets full of sausages, mentioned in his pleasant speech, with a pair of hoes, three hundred great billets of logwood, five and twenty hogs heads of wine, a good large down-bed, and a deep capaceous dish, which he said were necessary for his old age. All this was done as they did a point, only Gargantua doubting that they could not quickly find out Bridges fit for his wearing, because he knew not what fashion would best become the said orator. Whether the martingale fashion of Bridges, wherein is a spung-hole with a drawbridge for the more easy cagging, or the fashion of the mariners, for the greater solace and comfort of his kidneys, or that of the switzers, which keeps warm the bedondin, or belly-tablet, or round bridges with straight canyons, having in the seat a piece like a cod's tail, for fear of overheating his reins. All which considered, he caused to be given him seven L's of white cloth for the linings. The wood was carried by the porters, the masters of arts carried the sausages on the dishes, and Master Yannotus himself would carry the cloth. One of the said masters, called Juspandui, showed him that it was not seemingly nor decent for one of his condition to do so, and that therefore he should deliver it to one of them. Ah, said Yannotus, Bode, Bode, or blockhead, blockhead! Thou dost not conclude in meudo et vigura, for lo, to this end serve the suppositions, and parois logicalia, pandus pro quo suponit, confuse, sed bandui et distributive. I do not ask thee, said Yannotus, blockhead, quo modo suponit, but pro quo. It is blockhead pro tibis meis, and therefore I will carry it. So did he carry it away very close and covertly, as Patland the buffoon did his cloth. The best was that when this coffer, in a full act or assembly held at the maturans, had with great confidence required his britches and sausages, and that they were flatly denied him, because he had them of gargantua, according to the informations thereupon made. He showed them that this was gratis, and out of his liberality, by which they were not in any sort quit of their promises. Notwithstanding this, it was answered him that he should be content with reason, without expectation of any other bribe there. Reason, said Yannotus. We use none of it here. Unlucky traitors, you are not worth the hanging. The arse bears not more arrant villains than you are. I know it well enough. Halt not before the lame. I have practised wickedness with you. By God's rattle I will inform the king of the enormous abuses that are forged here, and carried under hand by you. And let me be a leper, if he do not burn you alive, like Sodomites, traitors, heretics and seduces, enemies to God and virtue. Upon these words they framed articles against him. He on the other side warned them to appear. In some the process was retained by the court, and is there as yet. Hereupon the magistres made a vow never to decrot themselves in rubbing off the dirt of either their shoes or clothes. Master Yannotus, with his adherents, vowed never to blow or snuff their noses, until judgment were given by a definitive sentence. By these vows do they continue unto this time, both dirty and snotty. For the court hath not garbled, sifted and fully looked into all the pieces as yet. The judgment or decree shall be given out and pronounced at the next Greek calends. That is never. As you know that they do more than nature and contrary to their own articles. The articles of Paris maintain that to God alone belongs infinity, and nature produces nothing that is immortal. For she put at the end and period to all things by her engendered, according to the saying. But these thick mist swallowers make the suits in law depending before them both infinite and immortal. In doing whereof they have given occasion to and verified the saying of Kylo the Lucky Dimonian, consecrated to the Oracle at Delphos, that misery is the inseparable companion of law debates, and that pleaders are miserable. For sooner shall they attain to the end of their lives than to the final decision of their pretended rights. Gargantua and Pantagruel Book One by François Raboulay Translated by Sir Thomas Urquhart The study of Gargantua, according to the discipline of his schoolmasters, the Sophisters. The first day being thus spent and the bells put up again in their own place, the citizens of Paris, in acknowledgement of this courtesy, offered to maintain and feed his mare as long as he pleased, which Gargantua took in good part, and they sent her to graze in the forest of Bière. I think she is not there now. This done he, with all his heart, submitted his study to the discretion of Pinocrates, who for the beginning appointed that he should do as he was accustomed. To the end he might understand by what means, in so long time, his old masters had made him so sautish and ignorant. He disposed therefore of his time in such fashion that ordinarily he did awake betwixt eight and nine o'clock, whether it was day or not. For so had his ancient governors ordained, alleging that which David sayeth, Wannum est woebes ante lukem sugaray. Then did he tumble and toss, wag his legs, and wallow in the bed some time, the better to stir up and rouse his vital spirits, and apparelled himself according to the season. But willingly he would wear a great long gown of thick frieze, furred with fox skins. Afterwards he combed his head with an almane comb, which is the four fingers in the thumb. For his preceptor said that to comb himself otherwise to wash and make himself neat was to lose time in this world. Then he dunged, pissed, spewed, belched, cracked, yawned, spitted, coughed, yext, sneezed, and snotted himself like an archdeacon. And to suppress his due and bad air went to breakfast, having some good fried tripes, fair rashers on the coals, excellent gamins of bacon, store of the fine minced meat, and a great deal of sippered bruis, made up of the fat of the beef pot, laid upon bread, cheese, and chopped parsley strewed together. Pinocrates showed him that he ought not to eat so soon after rising out of his bed, unless he had performed some exercise beforehand. Gargantua answered, What? Have not I sufficiently well exercised myself? I have wallowed and rolled myself six or seven turns in my bed before I rose. Is not that enough? Pope Alexander did so by the advice of a Jew his physician, and lived till his dying day in spite of his enemies. My first masters have used me to it saying that to breakfast made a good memory, and therefore they drank first. I am very well after it and dined but the better. And Master Tubal, who was the first licentiate of Paris, told me that it was not enough to run a pace, but to set forth betimes, so doth not the total welfare of our humanity depend upon perpetual drinking in a ribble-rabble, like ducks, but on drinking early in the morning, on day weirsus, to rise betimes is no good hour, to drink betimes is better sure. After that he had thoroughly broke his fast he went to church, and they carried to him in a great basket a huge impantoufold or thick-covered breviary weighing what in grease, clasps, parchment, and cover little more or less than eleven hundred and six pounds. There he heard six and twenty or thirty masses. This while to the same place came his orison mutterer impale-talked, or lapped up about the chin like a tufted whoop in his breath pretty well antidoted with store of the vine-tree syrup. With him he mumbled all his curielles and duncical bribrorians, which he so curiously thumbed and fingered, that there fell not so much as one grain to the ground. As he went from the church they brought him, upon a draid drawn with oxen, a confused heap of pattern nostres and avays of Saint Claude, every one of them being of the bigness of a hat-block, and thus walking through the cloisters, galleries, or garden, he said more in turning them over than sixteen hermits would have done. Then did he study some paltry half-hour with his eyes fixed upon his book, but as the comic sayeth his mind was in the kitchen. Pissing then a full urinal he sat down at table, and because he was naturally phlegmatic he began his meal with some dozens of gamons, dried neat's tongues, hard rows of mullet, called batargos, andouilles or sausages, and such other forerunners of wine. In the meanwhile four of his folks did cast into his mouth one after another continually mustered by whole shovelfuls. Immediately after that he drank a horrible draft of white wine for the ease of his kidneys. When that was done he ate according to the season, meat agreeable to his appetite, and then left off eating when his belly began to strout, and was like to crack for fullness. As for his drinking he had in that neither end nor rule, for he was want to say that the limits and bounds of drinking were when the cork of the shoes of him that drinketh swell up half a foot high. CHAPTER XXII. THE GAMES OF GARGANCHUA. Then blockishly mumbling with a set on countenance of peace of scurvy grace, he washed his hands in fresh wine, picked his teeth with the foot of a hog, and talked jovially with his attendants. Then the carpet being spread, they brought plenty of cards, many dice, with great store and abundance of checkers and chessboards. There he played, at flush, at primero, at the beast, at the rifle, at trump, at the prick and spare not, at the hundred, at the peeney, at the unfortunate woman, at the fib, at the past ten, at one and thirty, at post and pair or evened in sequence, at three hundred, at the unlucky man, at the last couple in hell, at the hawk, at the surly, at the lansquiné, at the cuckoo, at puff or let him speak that hathet, at take nothing and throw out, at the marriage, at the frolic or jackdaw, at the opinion, at who doth the one doth the other, at the sequences, at the ivy bundles, at the taros, at losing load him, at his golden esto, at the torture, at the hand rough, at the click, at honors, at pinch without laughing, at prickle me tickle me, at the unshoeing of the ass, at the coxess, at harry hoe-high, at I set me down, at earl beardy, at the old mode, at draw the spit, at put out, at gossip lend me your sack, at the ram cod ball, at thrust out the harlot, at marseilles figs, at nicknamery, at stick and hole, at boke or him, or flaying the fox, at the branching it, at trill madam or grapple my lady, at the cat-selling, at blow the coal, at the re-wedding, at the quick and dead judge, at un-oven the iron, at the false clown, at the flints or at the nine-stones, at to the crutch, hulch back, at the sanctus found, at hinge pinch and laugh not, at the leak, at bum-dock-duce, at the loose gig, at the hoop, at the sow, at belly to belly, at the dales or straths, at the twigs, at the coix, at I'm for that, at I take you napping, at fair and softly passive lint, at the forked oak, at truss, at the wolf's tail, at bum-to-bus or nose and breech, at geordie, gimme my lance, at swaggy-waggy and shoggy-shoe, at stuck and rook, sheer and threve, at the birch, at the mus, at the dilly-dilly darling, at ox-moody, at purpose in purpose, at nine less, at blind man-buff, at the fallen bridges, at bridled nick, at the white-at-butts, at thwacks-winge him, at apple-pair-plum, at mumgee, at the toad, at cricket, at the pounding stick, at jack-in-the-box, at the queens, at the trades, at heads and points, at the vine-tree hug, at black be thy fall, at hoe the dis staff, at Joan Thompson, at the bolting cloth, at the oat seed, at love, at the chess, at reynard the fox, at the squares, at the cows, at the lottery, at the chants or mum-chants, at three dice or manious bleaks, at the tables, at nivy-nivy-nack, at the lurch, at doublets or queens-game, at the faily, at the French trick-track, at the long tables or fear-caring, at fell-down, at Todd's body, at needs-must, at the dames or drafts, at bobbin-mo, at primus secundus, at mark-knife, at the keys, at span-counter, at even-or-odd, at cross-or-pile, at ball-and-huckle-bones, at ivory balls, at the billiards, at bobbin-hit, at the owl, at the charming of the hare, at pollet-a-little, at trudge-pig, at the maggotapies, at the horn, at the flowered or shrub-tied ox, at the mage-owlet, at tilt-at-weekie, at nine-pins, at the cock-quentin, at the tip-and-hurl, at the flat bowls, at the veer-in-turn, at rogue-and-ruffian, at bum-batch-touch, at the mysterious trough, at the short bowls, at the dapple-grey, at cock-and-crank-it, at break-pot, at my desire, at twirly-wirly-trill, at the rush-bundles, at the short staff, at the whirling-gig, at hide-and-seek, or are you all hid? At the picket, at the blank, at the pilferers, at the cave-sun, at prison-bars, at have-at-the-nuts, at cherry-pit, at rub-and-rice, at whip-top, at the casting-top, at the hob-goblins, at oh-the-wonderful, at the soily smudgy, at fast-and-loose, at scutch-breach, at the broom-bissom, at St. Cosme, I come to adore thee, at the lusty-brown-boy, at greedy-glutton, at the morris-dance, at Phoebe, at the whole friskin-gamble, at batabum, or riding of the wild-mare, at hind-the-plowman, at the good-mawkin, at the dead-beast, at climb-the-letter-billy, at the dying-hog, at the salt-doop, at the pretty-pigeon, at barley-break, at the bevine, at the bush-leap, at crossing, at bow-peep, at the heart-at-arse-pursy, at the how-or-his-nest, at forward-hay, at the fig, at gun-shot-crack, at mustard-peel, at the gomme, at the relapse, at jog-breach, or prick-him-forward, at knock-pate, at the cornish-cough, at the crane-dance, at slash-and-cut, at bobbing, or flirt-on-the-nose, at the larks, at flipping. After he had thus well played, reveled, passed, and spent his time, it was thought fit to drink a little, and that was eleven glassfuls the man, and immediately after making good cheer again, he would stretch himself upon a fair bench, or a good large bed, and there sleep two or three hours together, without thinking or speaking any hurt. After he was awakened, he would shake his ears a little. In the meantime, they brought him fresh wine. There he drank better than ever. Penocrates showed him that it was an ill diet to drink so after sleeping. It is, answered Gargantua, the very life of the patriarchs and holy fathers, for naturally I sleep salt, and my sleep hath been to me instead of so many gamons of bacon. Then began he to study a little, and out came the pater-nosters or rosary of beads, which the better and more formally to despatch. He got upon an old mule, which had served nine kings, and so mumbling with his mouth, nodding and doddling his head, would go to see a coney ferreted, or caught in a gin. At his return he went into the kitchen, to know what roast meat was on the spit, and what otherwise was to be dressed for supper. Then supped very well upon my conscience, and commonly did invite some of his neighbors that were good drinkers, with whom carousing and drinking merrily they told stories of all sorts from the old to the new. Amongst others he had, for domestics, the lords of Foo, of Goreville, of Grignot, and of Marignier. After supper were brought in upon the place the fair wooden gospels and the books of the four kings, that is to say, many pairs of tables and cards. Or the fair flush, one, two, three, or at all to make short work, or else they went to see the wenches thereabouts, with little small banquets intermixed with collations in rear suppers. Then did he sleep, without unbridling, until eight o'clock in the next morning. CHAPTER XXIII OF GARGANCHUA AND PANTOGRUEL BOOK I. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. GARGANCHUA AND PANTOGRUEL. BOOK I. by Francois Raboulais. TRANSLATED by Sir Thomas Urquhart. CHAPTER XXIII. HOW GARGANCHUA WAS INSTRUCTED BY PANACARITES. AND IN SUCH SORT DISPLINATED, THAT HE LOST NOT ONE HOUR OF THE DAY. WHEN PANACARITES KNEW GARGANCHUA'S VICIOUS MANOR OF LIVING, HE RESOLVED TO BRING HIM UP IN ANOTHER KIND. BUT FOR A WILE HE BORE WITH HIM, CONSIDERING THAT NATURE CANNOT ENDURE A SUDDEN CHANGE, WITHOUT GREAT VIOLENCE. FOR TO BEGIN HIS WORK THE BETTER, HE REQUESTED A LEARNED PHYSICIAN OF THAT TIME, CALLED MASTER THEODORUS, SERIOUSLY TO PURPEND, IF IT WERE POSSIBLE, HOW TO BRING GARGANCHUA INTO A BETTER COURSE. THE SED PHYSICIAN PERGED HIM CANONICALLY WITH ENTIXERIAN HELLABORE, BY WHICH MEDICINE HE CLEANZED, ALL THE ALTERATION AND PROVERSE HABITUDE OF HIS BRAIN. BY THIS MEANS ALSO PANACARITES MADE HIM FORGET ALL THAT HE HAD LEARNED UNDER HIS ANSENT PRECEPTORS, AS TIMOTHAIS DID TO HIS DISCIPLES, WHO HAD BEEN INSTRUCTED UNDER OTHER MUSICIONS. TO DO THIS THE BETTER, THEY BROUGHT HIM INTO THE COMPANY OF LEARNED MEN, WHICH WERE THERE, IN WHOSE IMMITATION HE HAD A GREAT DESIRE AND AFFECTION TO STUDY OTHERWISE AND TO IMPROVE HIS PARTS. AFTERWARDS HE PUT HIMSELF INTO SUCH A ROAD AND WAY OF STUDYING THAT HE LOST NOT ANY ONE HOUR IN THE DAY, BUT EMPLOYED ALL HIS TIME IN LEARNING AND HONEST KNOWLEDGE. GARGANCHUA AWAKED, THEN, ABOUT FOUR O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING. WHILE THEY WERE IN RUBBING OF HIM, THERE WAS RED UNTO HIM SOME CHAPTER OF THE HOLY SCRIPTURE ALLOWED AND CLEARLY, WITH A PRONUNCIATION FIT FOR THE MATTER, AND HEREON TOO WAS APPOINTED A YOUNG PAGE, BORN AND BOSH, NAMED AND IGNOSTES. ACCORDING TO THE PURPOSE AND ARGUMENT OF THAT LESSON, HE OFTEN TIMES Gave himself to worship, adore, pray, and send up his supplications to that good God, whose word did show his majesty and marvelous judgment. Then went he unto the secret places to make excretion of his natural digestions. There his master repeated what had been read, expounding unto him the most obscure and difficult points. In returning they considered the face of the sky if it was such as they had observed it the night before, and into what signs the sun was entering, as also the moon for that day. This done he was apparelled, combed, curled, trimmed, and perfumed, during which time they repeated to him the lessons of the day before. He himself said them by heart, and upon them would ground some practical cases concerning the estate of man, which he would prosecute sometimes two or three hours, but ordinarily they ceased as soon as he was fully clothed. Then for three good hours he had a lecture read unto him. This done they went forth, still conferring of the substance of the lecture, either unto a field near the university called the Brack, or unto the Meadows, where they played at the ball, the long tennis, and at the Pilate Trigone, which is a play wherein we throw a triangular piece of iron at a ring to pass it, most gallantly exercising their bodies as formerly they had done their minds. All their play was but in liberty, for they left off when they pleased, and that was commonly when they did sweat over all their body, or were otherwise weary. Then were they very well wiped and rubbed, shifted their shirts, and walking soberly went to see if dinner was ready. Whilst they stayed for that, they did clearly and eloquently pronounce some sentences that they had retained of the lecture. In the meantime, master appetite came, and then very orderly sat they down at table. At the beginning of the meal there was read some pleasant history of the warlike actions of former times, until he had taken a glass of wine. Then if they thought good, they continued reading, or began to discourse merrily together, speaking first of the virtue, propriety, efficacy, and nature of all that was served in at the table, of bread, of wine, of water, of salt, of fleshes, fishes, fruits, herbs, roots, and of their dressing. By means whereof he learned in a little time all the passages competent for this that were to be found in Pliny, Atheneas, Dioscorides, Julius Pollux, Galen, Porphyry, Opium, Polybius, Heliodor, Aristotle, Alien, and others. Whilst they talked of these things many times to be the more certain, they caused the very books to be brought to the table, and so well and perfectly did he in his memory retain the things above said that in that time there was not a physician that knew half so much as he did. As they conferred of the lessons read in the morning and ending their repast with some conserve or momma-lade of quinces, he picked his teeth with amastic toothpickers, washed his hands and eyes with fair fresh water, and gave thanks unto God in some fine cantiques, made in praise of the divine bounty and munificence. This done they brought in cards, not to play, but to learn a thousand pretty tricks and new inventions which were all grounded upon arithmetic. By this means he fell in love with that numerical science, and every day after dinner and supper he passed his time in it as pleasantly as he was want to do at cards and dice. So that at last he understood so well both the theory and practical part thereof that tons tall the Englishman who had written very largely of that purpose confessed that verily in comparison of him he had no skill at all. And not only in that but in the other mathematical sciences as geometry, astronomy, music, etc. For in waiting on the concoction and attending to the digestion of his food, they made a thousand pretty instruments and geometrical figures, and did in some measure practice the astronomical canons. After this they recreated themselves with singing musically in four or five parts, and upon a set theme or ground at random as it best pleased them. In matter of musical instruments he learned to play up on the lute, the virginals, the harp, the almane flute with nine holes, the veal, and the sackbut. This hour thus spent, and digestion finished, he did purge his body of natural excrements, then betook himself to his principle study for three hours together or more. As well to repeat his metutinal lectures as to proceed in the book wherein he was, and also to write handsomely to draw and form the antique and Roman letters. This being done, they went out of their house, and with them a young gentleman of terrain, named the Esquire gymnast, who taught him the art of writing. Changing then his clothes he wrote a napless coarser, a Dutch russin, a Spanish jenet, a bartered or trapped steed, then a light fleet horse, unto whom he gave a hundred carriers, made him go to the high salts, bounding in the air, free the ditch with a skip, leap over a stile or pale, turn short in a ring both to the right and left hand. There he broke not his lance, for it is the greatest foolery in the world to say I have broken ten lances at tilts or in fight. A carpenter can do even as much, but it is a glorious and praiseworthy action, with one lance to break it overthrow ten enemies. Therefore with a sharp, stiff, strong, and well-stealed lance would he usually force up a door, pierce a harness, beat down a tree, carry away the ring, lift up a cuirassee saddle with the male coat and gauntlet. All this he did in complete arms from head to foot. As for the prancing flourishes and smacking poppisms for the better cherishing of the horse commonly used in writing, none did them better than he. The cavillerae's of Ferrera was but an ape compared to him. He was singularly skillful in leaping nimbly from one horse to another without putting foot to the ground, and these horses were called disalteries. He could likewise from either side with a lance in his hand leap on horseback without stirrups, and rule the horse at his pleasure without a bridle, for such things are useful in military engagements. Another day he exercised the battleaxe, which he so dexterously wielded both in the nimble, strong and smooth management of that weapon, and that in all the feats practicable by it that he passed night of arms in the field and at all essays. Then tossed he the pike, played with the two-handed sword, with the back sword, with the Spanish tuck, the dagger, ponyard, armed, unarmed, with a buckler, with a cloak, with a target. Then would he hunt the heart, the roebuck, the bear, the fallow deer, the wild boar, the hare, the pheasant, the partridge, or the bustard. He played at the balloon, and made it bound in the air, both with fist and foot. He wrestled, ran, jumped, not at three steps in a leap called the hops, nor at cloche-a-pied, called the hare's leap, nor yet at the almanes. Four said, gymnast, these jumps are for the wars altogether unprofitable and of no use. But at one leap he would skip over a ditch, spring over a hedge, mount six paces upon a wall, ramp and grapple after this fashion up against a window of the full height of a lance. He did swim in deep waters on his belly, on his back, sideways, with all his body, with his feet only, with one hand in the air, wherein he held a book, crossing thus the breadth of the river of Sain without wetting it, and dragging along his cloak with his teeth, as did Julius Caesar. Then with the help of one hand he entered forcibly into a boat. From whence he cast himself again headlong into the water, sounded the depths, hollowed the rocks, and plunged into the pits and the gulfs. Then turned he the boat about it, governed it, let it swiftly or slowly with the stream or against the stream, stopped it in his course, guided it with one hand, and with the other laid hard about him with a huge great oar, hoisted the sail, hide up along the mast by the shrouds, ran upon the edge of the decks, set the compass in order, tackled the bow lines, and steered the helm. Coming out of the water he ran furiously up against a hill, and with the same alacrity and swiftness ran down again. He climbed up at trees like a cat, and leaped from the one to the other like a squirrel. He did pull down the great boughs and branches like another milo, then with two sharp, well-stealed daggers and two-tried bodkins would he run up by the wall to the very top of a house like a rat, then suddenly came down from the top to the bottom with such an even composition of members that by the fall he would catch no harm. He did cast the dart, throw the bar, put the stone, practice the javelin, the boar spear or partisan, and the halberd. He broke the strongest bows in drawing, bend it against his breast, the greatest crossbows of steel took his aim by the eye with the handgun and shot well, traversed and planted the cannon shot at butt marks, at the pepagay from below upwards or to a height from above downwards or to a descent, then before him sideways and behind him like the Parthians. They tied a cable rope to the top of a high tower by one end whereof hanging near the ground he wrought himself with his hands to the very top. Then upon the same track came down so sturdily and firm that you could not on a plain meadow have run with more assurance. They set up a great pole fixed upon two trees. There would he hang by his hands, and with them alone, his feet touching at nothing, would go back and forth along the force-head rope with so great swiftness that hardly could one overtake him with running. And then to exercise his breast and lungs he would shout like all the devils in hell. I heard him once call Udemon from St. Victor's Gate to Montmartre. Stintor had never heard such a voice at the Siege of Troy. Then for the strengthening of his nerves or sinews they made him two great sows of lead, each of them weighing 8,700 quintals, which they called alteres. Those he took up from the ground in each hand one, then lifted them up over his head and held them so without stirring three quarters of an hour and more, which was an inimitable force. He fought at barriers with the stoutest and most vigorous champions, and when it came to the cope he stood so sturdily on his feet that he abandoned himself unto the strongest in case they could remove him from his place as Milo was want to do of old, in whose imitation likewise he held a pomegranate in his hand to give it unto him that could take it from him. The time being thus bestowed, and himself rubbed, cleansed, wiped, and refreshed with other clothes, he returned fair and softly, and passing through certain meadows or other grassy places, beheld the trees and plants, comparing them with what is written of them in the books of the ancients such as Theophrast, Dioscorides, Marinus, Pliny, Nicander, Macer, and Galen, and carried home to the house great handfuls of them, whereof a young page called Rizotomos had charge, together with little Maddox, pickaxes, grubbing hooks, cabbies, pruning knives, and other instruments requisite for urbanizing. Being come to their lodging, whilst supper was making ready, they repeated certain passages of that which hath been read, and sat down to the table. Here remarked that his dinner was sober and thrifty, for he did then eat only to prevent the gnawings of his stomach, but his supper was copious and large, for he took then as much as was fit to maintain and nourish him, which indeed is the true diet prescribed by the art of good and sound physics. Although a rabble of logger-headed physicians nuzzled in the brabbling shops of Sophisters counseled the contrary. During that repast was continued the lesson read at dinner as long as they thought good. The rest was spent in good discourse, learned, and profitable. After that they had given thanks he set himself to sing vocally, and play upon harmonious instruments, or otherwise past his time at some pretty sports, made with cards or dice, or in practicing the feats of ledger-domain with cups and balls. There they stayed some nights in frolicking thus, and making themselves merry till it was time to go to bed, and on other nights they would go make visits unto learned men, or to such as had been travelers in strange and remote countries. When it was full night before they retired themselves, they went unto the most open place of the house to see the face of the sky, and there beheld the comets, if any were, as likewise the figures, situations, aspects, oppositions, and conjunctions of both the fixed stars and planets. Then with his master did he briefly recapitulate, after the manner of the Pythagoreans, that which he had read, seen, learned, done, and understood in the whole course of that day. Then prayed they unto God their Creator, in falling down before Him, and strengthening their faith towards Him, and glorifying Him for His boundless bounty, and giving thanks unto Him for the time that was past, they recommended themselves to His divine clemency for the future, which being done they went to bed, and betook themselves to their repose and rest. End of CHAPTER XXIII BY FRANCOIS REBELÉ TRANSLATED BY SIR TAMAS ERKHART CHAPTER XXIV HOW GARGANTE WAS SPENT HIS TIME IN RAINY WEATHER If it happened that the weather were anything cloudy, foul, and rainy, all the forenoon was employed, as before specified, according to custom, with this difference only, that they had a good, clear fire lighted to correct the distempers of the air. But after dinner, instead of their wanted exorcitations, they did abide within, and, by way of apytherapy, that is, a making the body healthful by exercise, did recreate themselves in bottling up of hay, and cleaving and sawing of wood, and in threshing sheaves of corn to the barn. Then they studied the art of painting, or carving, and brought into use the antique play of tables, as Leonicus hath written of it, and as our good friend Lazarus playeth at it. In playing, they examined the passages of ancient authors wherein the said plays mentioned, or any metaphor drawn from it. They went likewise to see the drawing of metals, or the casting of great ordinance, how the lapidaries did work, as also the goldsmiths and cutters of precious stones. Nor did they omit to visit the alchemists, money coiners, upholsters, weavers, velvet workers, watchmakers, looking glass framers, printers, organists, and any other such kind of artificers, and everywhere giving them somewhat to drink, did learn and consider the industry and invention of the trades. They went also to hear the public lectures, the solemn commencements, the repetitions, the acclamations, the pleadings of the gentle lawyers, and sermons of evangelical preachers. They went through the halls and places appointed for fencing, and they were played against the masters themselves at all weapons, and showed them by experience that he knew as much in it as, yea, more than they. And instead of urbanizing, they visited the shops of drugists, herbalists, and apothecaries, and diligently considered the fruits roots, leaves, gums, seeds, the grease and ointments of some foreign parts, as also how they did adulterate them. They went to see the jugglers, tumblers, mountan banks and quack-solvers, and considered their cunning, their shifts, their somersaults in smooth tongue, especially of those of Chani and Piccarty, who are naturally great praetors and brave givers of fibs in matter of green apes. At their return, they did eat more soberly separate than at other times, and meats more desiccative and extenuating, to the end that the intemperate moisture of the air communicated to the body by a necessary definitive might by this means be corrected, and that they might not receive any prejudice for want of their ordinary bodily exercise. Thus was gargantua governed, and kept on in this course of education, from day to day profiting, as you may understand such a young man of his age may, of a pregnant judgment, with good discipline while continued. Which, although at the beginning it seemed difficult, became a little after so sweet, so easy, and so delightful that it seemed rather the recreation of a king than the study of a scholar. Nevertheless, penocrities, to divert him from this vehement intention of the spirits, thought fit, once in a month, upon some fair and clear day, to go out of the city betimes in the morning, either towards gently or below, or to Montrouge, or Charenton Bridge, or to Van Ve, or St. Clue, and there spent all the day long in making the greatest cheer that could be devised, sporting, making merry, drinking healths, playing, singing, dancing, tumbling in some fair meadow, unnessling of sparrows, taking of quails, and fishing for frogs and crabs. But although that day was passed without books or lecture, yet it was not spent without profit. For in the said meadows, they usually repeated certain pleasant verses of Virgil's agriculture. Of Hesiod and of Poletian's husbandry would set approach some witty Latin epigrams, then immediately turned them into round delays and songs for dancing in the French language. In their feasting, they would sometimes separate the water from the wine that was there with mixed, as Cato teaches, de re rustica, and plining with an ivy cup would wash the wine in a basin full of water, then take it out again with a funnel as pure as ever. They made the water go from one glass to another, and contrived a thousand little automatory engines, that is, to say, moving of themselves. End of Chapter 24. Chapter 25 of Gagantua and Pentegril, Book 1. This is the LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Nadine Gertboulez. Gagantua and Pentegril, Book 1, by François Rablet. Translated by Sir Thomas Urquod. Chapter 25. How there was great strife and debate raised between the cake-bakers of Léon and those of Gagantua's country, whereupon were waged great wars. At that time, which was the season of vintage in the beginning of harvest, when the country shepherds were said to keep the vines and hinder the starlings from eating up the grapes, as some cake-bakers of Léon happened to pass along in the broad highway, driving into the city ten or twelve horses loaded with cakes, the satch-happards courteously entreated them to give them some for their money, as the price then rolled in the market. For here it is to be remarked that it is a celestial food to eat for breakfast hot, fresh cakes with grapes, especially the frail clusters, the great red grapes, the muscatine, the verduous grape, and the laskeut, for those that are cast in their belly, because it will make them gush out and squirt the length of a hunter's staff like the very tap of a barrel. And oftentimes, thinking to let us squip, they did all to be squatter and con-skite themselves, whereupon they are commonly called the vintage thinkers. The bunsellers or cake-makers were nothing inclinable to their request, but, which was worse, did injure them most outrageously, calling them prattling gaplus, licorous gluttons, freckled bitters, mengy rascals, shiterbed scoundrels, drunken roasters, slag-naves, drowsy loiterers, slapsas fellas, slabber-de-gullion druggles, verbally louts, coosening foxes, ruffian rogues, paltry customers, sycophant violets, drool-latch hoidons, flouting milk-sups, jeering companions, staring clowns, fallen snakes, ninny-lub-cocks, scurvy snipskis, fun-ling fops, base loons, saucy cockscombs, idle lusks, scoffing brackets, nutty me-cocks, blockish grud-nose, doddy pole-told heads, job-null goose-caps, foolish slugger-heads, flutch-gar-flullies, grout-head-gnat-snap-us, lob-dot-rolls, gaping changelinks, cock-carts-head-lubies, wood-cock-slangums, ninny-hammer-fly-catches, nutty-pick-simple-tons, turdy-gut, shittin'-shepoots, and other such-like-differentary-hepithets, saying further that it was not for them to eat of these dainty cakes, but might very well contend themselves with the coarse-unrenched bread, or to eat of the great-brown-house-hall-loaf, to which provoking words, one amongst them, called forgier, an honest fellow of his person and a notable-springle, made ends very kindly thus. How long is it since you have got horns that you have become so proud? Indeed, formally, you will want to give us some freely, and will you not now let us have any for our money? This is not the part of good neighbors. Neither do we serve you thus when you come hither to buy our good corn, whereof you make your cakes and buns. Besides that, we would have given you to the bargain some of our grapes, but, by his sounds, you may chance to repent it and possibly have need of us at another time when we shall use you after the like-manner and therefore remember it. Then Marquet, a prime man in the confraternity of the cake-bakers, said unto him, Yes, sir, though art pretty well cresterism this morning, though did his deed yesterday night too much smellet and bollymong, Come hither, sir, come hither, I will give thee some cakes. We're upon forgier, dreading no harm, in all simplicity went towards him and drew a sixpence out of his leather satchel, thinking that Marquet would have sold him some of his cakes. But instead of cakes, he gave him with his whip such a root-lash of a throbber legs that the marks of the whip-court nuts were apparent in them, then would have fled away. But forgier cried out as loud as he could, Oh, murder, murder, help, help, help! And in the meantime threw a great cuddle after him, which he carried under his arm, wherewith he hid him in the coronal joint of his head, upon the crotaphic artery of the right side thereof, so forcibly that Marquet fell down from his mare more like a dead-than-living man. Meanwhile the farmers and country-swains that were watching their walnuts near to that place came running with their great poles and long-staves and laid such load on these cake-bakers as if they had been to thresh upon green rye. The other shepherds and shepherdesses hearing the lamentable shout of forgier came with their slings and slackies following them and throwing great stones at them as thick as if it had been hail. At last they overtook them and took from them about four or five dozen of their cakes. Nevertheless they paid for them the ordinary price and gave them over and above one hundred eggs and three baskets full of mulberries. Then did the cake-bakers help to get up to his mare Marquet, who was most truly wounded and forthwith returned to learn, changing the resolution they had to go to Paré, threatening very sharp and boisterously the cowherds, shepherds, and farmers of civile and ciné. This done the shepherds and shepherdesses made merry with these cakes and fine grapes and sported themselves together at the sound of the pretty small pipe, scuffing and laughing at those vane-glorious cake-bakers who had that day met with a mischief for want of crossing themselves with a good hand in the morning. Nor did they forget to apply to forge his leg some fair, great red medicinal grapes and so handsomely dressed it and bound it up that he was quickly cured. End of chapter 25. Chapter 26 of Gagantio and Pentagreal, book one. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Nellie Niggard-Boulet, Gagantio and Pentagreal, book one, by François Rablet, translated by Sir Thomas Urquod. Chapter 26. How the inhabitants of Leurne, by the commandment of Picrochard their king, assaulted the shepherds of Gagantio unexpectedly and on a sudden. The cake-bakers being returned to Leurne went presently before they did either eat or drink to a capital, and there before their king, called Picrochard, the third of that name, made their complaint, showing their panniers broken, their caps all crumpled, their coats torn, their cakes taken away. But, above all, Marquet most enormously wandered, saying that all that mischief was done by the shepherds and herdsmen of Grand Goussier near the Broad Highway beyond Seville. Picrochard, incontinent, grew angry and furious, and, without asking any further, what, how, why, or wherefore, commanded the Ben and Arya Ben to be sounded throughout all his country, that all his vessels of what condition, so-ever, should, upon pain of the halter, come in the best arms they could, unto the great place before the castle, at the hour of noon, and, the better to strengthen his design, he caused the drum to be beat about the town. Himself, whilst his dinner was making ready, went to see his artillery mounted upon the carriage to display his colors, and set up the great royal standard, and loaded wanes with store of ammunition, both for the field and the belly, arms, and victors. At dinner he dispatched his commissions, and by his express addict, my Lord Chagrag, was appointed to command the vanguard, wherein were numbered 16,040 noccubusies or firelocks, together with 30,011 volunteer adventurers. The great Tugdillon, master of the horse, had the charge of the ordnance, wherein were reckoned 914 brazen pieces, in cannons, double cannons, basilisks, serpentines, coverings, bombards, or murderers, falcons, bases, or pestilence, spirals, and other sorts of great guns. The rearguard was committed to the Duke of Scrapegood. In the main battle was the king and the princess of his kingdom. Thus being hastily furnished, before they would set forward, they sent 300 light horsemen, under the conduct of Captain Swirlwind, to discover the country, clear the avenues, and see whether there was any ambush late for them. But after they had made deal to insert, they found all the land roundabout in peace and quiet, without any meeting or convention at all, which, because shall understanding, commanded that everyone should march speedily under his colors. Then immediately in all disorder, without keeping either rank or file, they took the fields one amongst the other, wasting, spoiling, destroying, and making havoc of all wherever they went, not sparing poor nor rich, privileged or unprivileged places, church nor laity, drove away oxen and cows, bulls, calves, heifers, weathers, ooze, lambs, goats, kids, hens, capons, chickens, geese, genders, ghostlings, hogs, swine, pigs, and such like. Beating down the walnuts, plucking the grapes, tearing the hedges, shaking the fruit trees, and committing such incomparable abuses, that the like abomination was never heard of. Nevertheless, they met with none to resist them, for everyone submitted to their mercy, beseeching them that they might be dealt with curtisly in regard that they had always carried themselves as became good and loving neighbors, and that they had never been guilty of any wrong or outrage done upon them, to be thus suddenly surprised, troubled, and disquieted, and that, if they would not desist, God would punish them very shortly, to which expostulations and remonstrances no other answer was made, but that they would teach them to eat cakes. End of chapter 26. Chapter 27 of Gargantua and Pantagruel. Book 1 This is a LibriVox recording, or LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Gargantua and Pantagruel. Book 1 by François Rebelet. Translated by Sir Thomas Urquhart. Chapter 27 How a monk of Seville saved the clothes of the Abbey from being ransacked by the enemy. So much they did, and so far they went pillaging and stealing, that at last they came to Seville, where they robbed both men and women, and took all they could catch. Nothing was either too hot or too heavy for them. Although the plague was there in the most part of all the houses, they nevertheless entered everywhere, then plundered and carried away all that was within. And yet for all this, not one of them took any hurt, which is a most wonderful case. For the curates, vikars, preachers, physicians, chirurgians, and apothecaries, who went to visit, to dress, to cure, to heal, to preach unto and admonish, those that were sick were all dead of the infection, and these devilish robbers and murderers caught never any harm at all. Whence comes this to pass, my masters? I beseech you think upon it. The town, being thus pillaged, they went unto the abbey with their horrible noise and tumult, but they found it shut and made fast against them, whereupon the body of the army marched forward, toward a pass or forward, called the Guild of Aid, except seven companies of foot and 200 lancers who, staying there, broke down the walls of the clothes, to waste, spoil, to make havoc of all the vines and vintage within that place. The monks, poor devils, knew not in that extremity to which of all their saints they should vow themselves. Nevertheless, at all, ventures they rang the bells ad capitulum, capitulantes. There it was decreed that they should make a fair procession, stuffed with good lectures, prayers, and litany's contra-hostium insidious and jolly responses proposy. There was then in the abbey a claustral monk called Friar John of the Funnels and Gobbits in French, Des, and Tumores. Young, gallant, frisk, lusty, nimble, quick, active, bold, adventurous, resolute, tall, lean, wide-mouth, long-nosed, a fair dispatcher of mourning prayers, unbridled of masses, and runner-over of vigils, and to conclude summarily in a word, a right monk. If ever there was any, since the Monking World monk'd a monkery. For the rest, a clerk, even to the teeth, a matter of brivery. This monk, hearing the noise that the enemy made within the enclosure of the vineyard, went out to see what they were doing and perceiving that they were cutting and gathering the grapes, whereon was grounded the foundation of all their next year's wine, returned unto the choir of the church, where the other monks were, all amazed and astonished, like so many bell-melters. Whom, when he heard sing, N-N-P-N-E-N-E-N-E-N-E, N-N-E-T-M-N-E-N-N-M-E-N-E-ME-K-O-O-N-O-O- N-O-N-E-N-O-N-E-N-O-N-O-R-M-E-N-N-M-N-M. It is well shit. Well sung, said he. By the virtue of God, why do not you sing? Paniers, farewell, vintage is done? The devil snatch me, if they be not already within the middle of our clothes, and cut so well both vines and grapes, that by God's body they will not be found for these four years to come so much as he gleaning in it. By the belly of St. James, what shall we poor devils drink the while? Lord God, dhamihipotum. Then said the prior of the convent, what should this drunken fellow do here? Let him be carried to prison for troubling the divine service. Nay, said the monk, the wine service, let us behave ourselves so that it be not troubled. For you yourself, my Lord prior, love to drink of the best, and so doeth every honest man. Never yet did a man of worth dislike good wine. It is a monastical afflotham, for these responses that you chant here by God are not in season. Wherefore is it that our devotions were instituted to be short in the time of harvest and vintage, and long in the advent and all the winter? The late fryer, Masopilos, of good memory, a true zealous man, for else I give myself to the devil of our religion told me, and I remember it well how the reason was that in this season we might press and make the wine, and in winter whip it up. Hark you, my masters, you that love the wine! Hark's body, follow me, for St. Anthony burn me as freely as a faggot, if they get leave to taste one drop of the liquor that will not now come and fight for relief of the vine. Hark's belly, the goods of the church, ha, no, no. What the devil? St. Thomas of England was well content to die for them. If I died in the same cause, should not I be a saint likewise? Yes, yet shall not I die there for all this, for it is I that must do it to others and send them a packing. As he spake this he threw off his great monk's habits, and laid hold upon the staff of the cross, which was made of the heart of a sorebapple tree, it being of the length of a lance, round of a full grip, and a little powdered with lilies called fleur de luce. The workmanship were of was almost all defaced and worn out. Thus went he out in a fair long skirted jacket, putting his frock scarf-wise a thwart his breast, and in this equipage, with his staff, shaft, a truncion of the cross, laid on so lustily, brisk, and fiercely upon his enemies, who, without any order, or ensign, or trumpet, or drum, were busy then gathering the grapes of the vineyard. For the cornets, gardens, and ensign-bearers had laid down their standards, banners, and colors by the wall-sides. The drummers had knocked out the heads of their drums, on one end to fill them with grapes. The trumpeters were loaded with great bundles of bunches and huge knots of clusters, and some, every one of them was out of array in all in disorder. He hurried therefore upon them so rudely, without crying gear or beware, that he overthrew them like hogs, tumble them over like swine, striking a thwart and a lanst, and by one means or other, laid so about him. That to some he beat out their brains, to others he crushed their arms, battered their legs, and be-thwacked their sides till their ribs cracked with it. To others again he unjointed the spondyls, or knuckles of the neck, disfigured their chaps, gassed their faces, made their cheeks hang flapping on their chin, and so swing'd and be-lammed them that they fell down before him like hay before a mower. To some others he spoiled the frame of their kidneys, marred their backs, broke their thigh bones, passed in their noses, post out their eyes, cleft their mandibles, tore their jaws, dung in their teeth into their throats, shook asunder their omoplatase, or shoulder blades, spaciated their shins, mortified their shanks, inflamed their ankles, heaved off of the hinges their ishes, their sciatica or hip gout, dislocated the joints of their knees, squattered into pieces the bouts or pestils of their thighs, and so thump'd, mauled, and be-labored them everywhere that never was corn so thick and threefold thresh'd upon by plowmen's flails as were the pitifully disjointed members of their mangled bodies under the merciless baton of the cross. If any offered to hide himself amongst the thickness of the vines, he laid him squat as he floundered, bruised the ridge of his back, and dash'd his reins like a dog. If any thought by flight to escape, he made his head to fly in pieces by the lamboydeo commissure, which is they seem in the hinder part of the skull. If any one did scramble up into a tree, thinking there to be safe, he rent up his pirani, and impaled him in at the fundament. If any of his old acquaintance happened to cry out, ah, Friar John, my friend Friar John, quarter quarter, I yield myself to you, to you I render myself. So thou shalt, said he, and must, whether thou was to know, and with all render, and yield up thy soul to all the devils in hell, then subtly gave them journals, that is, so many knocks, thumps, wraps, dents, dwacks, and bangs, as suffice to warn Pluto of their coming, and dispatch them agoing. If any were so rash and full of temerity as to resist him to his face, then was it he did show the strength of his muscles, for without more ado he did transpire him by running him in at the breast, through the mediastin and the heart. Others, again, he so quashed and bee-bumped, that with their sound bounce under the hollow of their short ribs he overturned their stomachs, so that they died immediately. To some, with their smart soos on their epigaster, he would make their midriff swag, then redoubling the blow, gave them such a home push on the navel, that he made their puddings to gush out. To others, through their ballots he pierced their bum-gut, and left not bowel, tripe nor entrail in their body, that had not felt the impetuosity, fierceness, and fury of his violence. Believe that it was the most horrible spectacle that ever one saw. Some cried unto St. Barbie, others to St. George. Oh, the holy lady knightage said one, the good Sanctus, oh, our lady of Securs, said another, help, help! Others cried, our lady of Cunut, of Loretto, of good tidings, on the other side of the water St. Mary over. Some vowed a pilgrimage to St. James, and others to the holy handkerchief at Shanbury, which three months after that burnt so well in the fire that they could not get one thread of it saved. Others sent up their vows to St. Catawyn, others to St. John the Anderly, and to St. Eutopius, of Lantis. Others again invoked St. Mesmes of Chinon, St. Martin of Candies, St. Claude of Sinnaeus, the holy relics of Lorazae, with a thousand other jolly little saints and saint-trails. Some died without speaking. Others spoke without dying. Some died in speaking. Others spoke in dying. Others shouted as loud as they could. Confession! Confession! Confetior! So great was the cry of the wounded, that the prior of the abbey, with all his monks came forth, who, when they saw these poor wretches so slain amongst the vines and wounded to death, confessed some of them. For whilst the priests were busied in confessing them, the little monkeys ran all to the place where Friar John was, and asked him wherein he would be pleased to require their assistance, to which he answered that they should cut the throats of those he had thrown down upon the ground. They presently, leaving their outer habits and cowls upon the rails, began to throttle and make an end of those whom he had already crushed. Can you tell with what instruments they did it? With fair gullies, which are little hulk-backed demi-knives, the iron tool were of as two inches long, and the wooden handle one inch thick, and three inches in length, wherewith the little boys in our country cut right walnuts in two while they are yet in the shell, and pick out the kernel. And they found them very fit for the expediting of that weasened, slitting exploit. In the meantime Friar John, with his formidable baton of the cross, got to the breach which the enemies had made, and there stood to snatch up those that endeavored to escape. Some of the monkey-toes carried the standards, banners, engines, guidance, and colors into their cells and chambers to make garters of them. But when those that had been shriven would have gone out at the gap of the said breach, this dirty monk quashed and fell them down with blows, saying, These men have had confession and are penitent souls. They have got their solution and gained the pardons. They go into paradise as straight as a sickle, or as the way is to fay, like crooked lane at East Cheep. Thus by his prowess and valor were discomfited all those of that army that entered into the clothes of the Abbey. Until the number of 13,620 and two, besides the women and little children, which is always to be understood. Never did Marges the hermit bear himself more valiantly with his bourdon or pilgrim staff against the Saracens, of whom is written in the Acts of the Four Sons of Iman. Then did this monk against his enemies with the staff of the Cross.