 CHAPTER VIII. OF TELL IT ALL by Fanny Stenhouse. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. Our mission in Switzerland. Mutterings of the coming storm. Very soon after this we were notified that the Apostle Snow was on his way to Switzerland and that we might shortly expect him. This to me was joyful news for he had relieved me of my trouble once before and I almost looked upon him as my good angel. He came and remained with us a few days and before he left he instructed Mr. Stenhouse to repair to England to raise funds to aid the mission. He also gave me a few pounds to procure what I needed for an event which I expected shortly to take place. This kindness on his part brought to my mind such a sense of relief and renewed my energy so that I felt ready for my missionary labors again. When my second child was about two months old I went to Lausanne to reside while my husband was absent in England. Apartments were engaged for me at the house of a gentleman who had recently been baptized. I was made very comfortable there and for the first time since my husband was sent on a mission I experienced a feeling of repose so that I now had some hopes of regaining mental and physical strength. No provision had been made by the saints for my support but even without that I thought living among those who were themselves happy and one with us in the faith I should myself find more tranquility of mind. Madame and Monsieur Beliff in whose house I resided were persons of good social position. The husband was one of nature's gentlemen and as good a man as I ever knew. He received the Mormonism taught by Mr. Stenhouse with all his heart and never seemed wary of showing his gratitude by his good deeds. Madame Beliff did not at once join the church and probably never would have done so but for the love she bore to her husband. She was not however hostile to the new faith as some other wives were and she did all that she could to render pleasant my stay with them and tried to make me forget what I had suffered in Geneva. Madame Beliff was a high-spirited, impulsive woman and devotedly attached to her husband. I never saw a woman more so. She impressed me as being one of the happiest of wives, he one of the best of husbands. After I had lived in the house a few weeks she was baptized but she never was satisfied with Mormonism. Poor dear lady, how often I have bitterly regretted that I was instrumental in leading her into the Mormon church in which as years later in Utah she told me she endured such cruel humiliation and martyrdom. I knew well indeed then what all that meant. While I lived with them it was agreed that I should pay for my apartments monthly but after I had paid for the first month Monsieur Beliff told me that I should do so no more and knowing that he meant it as an expression of kindness and gratitude on his part I felt relieved of all anxiety on that account. All that I had even then for the support of myself and my two little ones was about five francs or a dollar a week. But my wants were few for I had taught myself to require nothing but was absolutely necessary to keep me alive. During Mr. Stenhouse's absence the meetings were held in my parlor and as the brethren who had joined the church had not previously been religious men though they were persons of the best moral character. They were very diffident about conducting the meetings and for a time could not think of praying before others. It devolved upon me of sheer necessity for I disliked prominence as much as they did to lead the singing to pray to preach in fact to do everything. Had I not done so they would have sat looking at each other for they were all too timid to speak. I encouraged them in every way to try and finally we got along very well. A good spirit prevailed and we were like a little band of brothers and sisters. The only person now who gave me any anxiety was Madame Beliff who was very weak in the faith. Her doubts and fears troubled me much for I had conceived a very great regard for her. I feared that with a heart so proud and rebellious as hers she would never get salvation and I trembled for her happiness. How slight a hold the new faith had taken of her mind I was forcibly reminded by an incident which was at the time a great trial to me. My little daughter fell sick of intermittent fever and I dared not call in a physician. It would not do for me a missionary's wife to show lack of faith. Such was our zeal in those days. But now as I once before stated even the most orthodox Mormons including Brigham Young do not think of relying upon God and the ordinances of the church as they used to in former years but call in the best physician they can get. I was much troubled about my little girl for she was evidently failing fast. She had been administered to by one of the native elders who had anointed her with oil and prayed over her but yet she did not get better. Madame Beliff in the midst of my affliction taunted me about the child not recovering and asked where was the power of God of which I had talked so much. Now she said if you could get that child healed it would be some proof to my mind that the power you speak of is still in the church. I felt ashamed that I had not exercised more faith. I was certain that the gift of healing was in the church and I believed it was my own fault that the child was not even now well. In my zeal I replied rather warmly my child will be healed and you shall see it. But I had no sooner uttered these words than I began to fear I had promised too much. I was determined however that nothing on my part should be left undone. I sent for Governor Studerman our new convert as he was the president of the branch and an elder. I told him that this child must be healed by the power of God. We had not witnessed any manifestation of the healing power among the saints in Switzerland up to that time. And I earnestly desired that now for the first time this gift might be proved among us for the sake of the church as well as for my own. So I told the Governor that it was his duty as well as mine to fast and pray that it might be a testimony that it was his work and that we were his servants. He became as enthusiastic as I was myself and we fasted and prayed for nearly two days. At the end of that time he came to see me and by the bedside we knelt and prayed and he laid his hands upon the child and blessed her in the name of the Lord. That night the child was very low and though I strove to show my faith I dreaded that she would have her usual attack of fever about midnight. After the departure of the elder Madame Belif came into the room and said, Your child is very ill. If your God cannot help her why do you not send for a physician? This appeared to me so profane and such an insult to my God and my faith that I replied indignantly. Madame she will and shall be healed this very night for I know that power is in the church. The reason why the child was not healed before is because I have not been earnest enough in seeking the Lord. When I was left alone I sat down by the bedside trembling lest I had been too rash in declaring that the child would be healed that same night. Much and fondly as I loved my little treasure I confess that I suffered more at the thought of God's name suffering reproach than I did from fear of my darling's death and I tried earnestly to banish my doubts with the remembrance that all things are possible to them that believe. Kneeling there in the dark and lonesome midnight I poured out my soul fervently to God beseeching him for his kingdom's sake and for the glory of his great name to answer and not to suffer my unworthiness to stand in the way. I watched hour after hour beside my darling's bed and the child slept on peacefully without any symptoms of returning fever and oh how anxiously I waited for her awakening. At last worn out with fatigue and watching I laid myself down on the bed beside her and soon fell asleep and when I awoke it was daylight and my little one was peacefully sleeping on still the fever had left her. No tongue could tell the gratitude which filled my heart. I could only weep tears of joy and sing aloud my praise to God. Madame Beliff entered the room early in the morning to see what kind of a night we had passed. Then I drew her to the bedside and told her how tranquilly the child had slept all night and showed her how much better she looked and asked if she did not see in all this the providence of God. But she simply said, how well I suppose the disease had run its course. This grieved me for I had trusted that such a direct answer to my prayers would have helped to increase her faith in our religion but Mormonism had not touched her heart and I believe it is much more the devotion of the heart than it is the mental acquiescence in doctrine which gives us the power to hope and endure and believe. When by and by my little Clara awoke she was evidently very much better and not only free from the fever but bright and cheerful like her former self and she never relapsed. In the course of a week she was running about as well as ever and the saints were greatly confirmed in their faith. One morning not long after this Madame Beliff brought me a letter which as it bore the English postmark she supposed came from my husband. The writing however was strange to me and dreading that some terrible thing might have happened I tore it open. There at the bottom of the last page for the letter was very long in neat clear characters was the signature of my fairy friend as I called her Mary Burton. I read the letter through with the deepest interest. It was addressed to darling sister Stenhouse and was overflowing with affection. Used as I was to all her endearing ways I could almost fancy that while I read I heard her speaking the words. After a great outpouring of love she said Since you left Southampton we have had many changes. We remained there until nearly all our old friends had left us and emigrated to Zion. And although my father could not possibly go at that time and I was much too young to travel alone the president actually scolded me for not being willing to emigrate with the others. When I told him that I was too young to act for myself he said a good deal about Elder Shrewsbury. I do not know whether you will remember Elder Shrewsbury but I will try to bring him to your mind. Do you not remember a gentleman who came several times to the meeting with me and who was at the picnic just before you left England? He was very young with dark hair and beautiful dark eyes to match. He came with Papa first to the meeting and then he contrived to make friends with me. And I used to see him very often and he paid me much attention. I suppose I ought to tell you all that I think about him and how we have had such pleasant times together and so I would too if you were here so that I might be kissed first as you used to do but it seems so formal to write such things on paper. I'm afraid almost that he might see. No, I never told him yet that I cared for him a bit and I am not sure myself whether I do. I think he's very nice but I know he's a good Mormon and if I thought there was any truth in those things which we used to talk about I'd die before I'd marry him or go to Salt Lake either. I remember you talked to him on the day of the picnic and I thought you seemed to like him. In fact you could not help doing so for he is so clever and so intellectual. That was a happy time we had then. The brethren and sisters all seemed to have cast dull care to the winds and to have given themselves up to full and free enjoyment with the exception of one solitary pair of married lovers. You know who I mean but now you are again united I suppose and of course happy. I told the president that I had not the spirit of gathering and that if my father agreed I would perhaps go next season but Antre knew I did not tell him that I had another reason besides. What would you think dear if I were to go out as a bride? But I am very naughty I suppose to think of such a thing. Since you went I have grown quite an old woman. You used to call me little fairy but sister Stenhouse I am much bigger now. I am now a good deal over fifteen and people say that I am getting to be quite a woman. I might tell you some other pretty things that are said about me but I'm afraid you'd say it was all vanity of vanities. If you stay away much longer you won't recognize me when we meet again. And now I want to tell you something that interests you as much as me. I have not been able to discover anything more with certainty about those hateful things of which I told you although the word polygamy seems to become every day much more familiar in people's conversation. Elder Shrewsbury tells me that there is not a word of truth in it and he has had a good deal of conversation upon that subject with the apostles who are here and also with a man named Curtis E Bolton an elder from the Salt Lake and they all positively declare that it is a foul slander upon the saints of the Most High. So you see that all our unhappiness was for naught. Our Saviour said we should be blessed when all men spoke evil of us falsely for his namesake and the wicked scandal which has been raised against our religion has had a tendency to strengthen my faith which you know was rather wavering. And yet do you know, Sister Stenhouse that even while I am writing to you in this strain I am weak enough to allow doubts and fears to creep into my heart when I think of the conduct of some of the American brethren. They appear to me for married men to act so very imprudently and to call their conduct imprudent is really treating it with the greatest leniency for I have often been quite shocked at the way in which some of the brethren and sisters acted. But I will tell you a little about it and you shall judge for yourself. When I found out as I had long suspected that Dear Papa was going to marry again I at once resolved that I would no longer be a burden to him but would find some employment and support myself. I was induced to do this partly because as you know stepmothers and daughters do not always love each other quite as much as they might. So I communicated my wishes to Papa and told him that I had been introduced to a very nice lady who has a large dress making establishment at the west end of London. She is a member of the church and has always been very highly spoken of. I told him that she employed a number of highly respectable young girls and that four at least of them were members of the church and that in consideration of my lonely situation and at the earnest request of Elder Shrewsbury she was willing to take me into her house to board and lodge me and teach me the business thoroughly if my father would pay her a premium of fifty pounds. This Papa readily agreed to do as I expected he would for he is so taken up with my stepma ma, that is to be and besides which he has I know been unfortunate lately in some railway speculations and has lost a great deal of money and therefore wishes to economize. In this way I went to London and became a member of Mrs. Ellsworth's family and here I am still. Now you have been in London, Sister Stenhouse and must remember the office in Jewin Street the headquarters where all the elders congregate and where the American elders board and church business is managed. Well, the very first week I was at Mrs. Ellsworth's I noticed that the four young sisters who were working there were constantly talking of Jewin Street and the dear American brethren who were stopping there. One of them in particular was always talking about dear elder Snow and another girl whispered to me that she went to Jewin Street every evening and frequently remained there to tea with him and afterwards to the theater with him or to a meeting as the case might be and the young lady added she does make such a fuss over him toying with him and brushing and combing his hair I know that she does it for I have been there with her and have seen her do it and he appears to enjoy it quite as much as she does and I believe if polygamy was true he would marry her. But I said it is not true and therefore it is very wrong for her to act in that way for he is a married man. Oh but you know she answered that we are all brothers and sisters and the brethren tell us that those little attentions make them feel that they are not so far from home and they are thus enabled to perform their mission better and if that is so it is the duty of the young sisters to encourage them these little attentions cost nothing and I'm sure it's quite a pleasure to me. Then you go to Jewin Street I asked. Yes she said sometimes but not very often for my elder calls here frequently as he is acquainted with Mrs. Ellsworth and then I take my work up into the parlour sometimes and have a long talk with him. Mrs. Ellsworth does not like it I know but she does not care to oppose the elders in fact her husband will not allow any such thing he has dared her to do so. After all she is very silly for we ought to love each other and be free and friendly. My elder I call him my elder you know simply because I like him better than the others calls Mrs. Ellsworth gentilish and says she'll get over it when she goes to Zion but she says she won't she is awfully jealous of her husband and a certain Miss Caroline somebody though she doesn't care for him but what difference can it make to him I asked her he has a wife and ought not to pay attention to other women ah you silly child she said it is only brotherly love after all and men often have wives who do not make them happy and that makes them seek the society of the young sisters for those who are far from home are lonely. My own elder's wife is here in London but he isn't much with her he spends nearly all his time in Jewin Street he is a traveling elder and when he is going anywhere to preach he always calls for me as he does not like going alone he is such a genial soul if polygamy were true I'd promise to marry him when we reached the valley then I asked why his wife didn't go with him and she said oh poor man he has no pleasure in her society she is always moping and unhappy you know some women are naturally so I do all I can to make him feel well for it must be awful to be married to a woman who is always sad I asked her why his wife should be so unhappy and she said he tells me that she has got it into her head that somehow or other polygamy is practiced in Zion and I'm sure I for one wish it was so for then we could marry whoever we please oh for shame I said I'm sure I'd never go there if I thought so then I asked her whether she did not think it was wrong for her to encourage the attentions of her elder and she said he wishes it just as much as I do and his wife had better behave herself or I'll marry him whether polygamy exists or not in Zion and he does not know though we both suspect that there is something in the rumors which we have heard then I told her that I thought it was very wicked to encourage the visits of that man for I believe that if he paid a little more attention to his wife she would be less unhappy for I supposed that she knew of his attentions to her she said the wife knew nothing about it that he was obliged to be out late at night preaching or at Jewin Street which I knew meant flirting with the sisters and going to the theater and I fancy he does more of that than preaching but she seemed to think it was all the wife's fault and blamed her I asked her if she would like to be treated so if she were an elder's wife and had to work as hard and endure as much as all the missionary's wives do but she said she could never be in such a position and told me that I was not a good Mormon or I would not set myself up as the accuser of the brethren but I ask you, sisters Denhouse if that is the Mormonism which the elders used to teach to us and now I have told you all our long talk together and so you can judge for yourself what a change has taken place since you left that same day after dinner Brother Snow called in company with two other elders to see Mrs. Ellsworth and to ask her and the girls to a tea party the next day Mrs. Ellsworth declined but one young lady would go with Brother Snow and Miss Caroline went with another elder and my light-hearted friend waited till her elder came also to ask her and after that came Elder Shrewsbury and I of course was to go with him with all my faith I am very much troubled about these things they are not right I think why scarcely a day passes but some of those elders who appear to have very little to do call here and send for one or two of these young sisters and detain them from their work much to the annoyance of poor Mrs. Ellsworth who I believe will apostatize over it eventually see what a long letter I have written you I am afraid it will tire you I often long to have you here that I might come to you and tell you all my troubles but perhaps after all I am wrong and ought to see things in a different light have not the elders and apostles positively denied that polygamy or any other sin was practiced in Utah or formed any part of the Mormon religion and we know that these men of God would not lie to us but be sure dear to write a nice long letter to me very soon and with the fondest love remember your own Mary Burton I read this letter carefully through and I sat down and thought of dear Mary Burton and felt deeply sorry that she should be placed in a situation surrounded by so many temptations to myself the letter brought a sad confirmation of all my fears there was something painful in the thought had polygamy been openly avowed as a Mormon doctrine I should never have joined the church but now what could I do? after three months absence Mr. Stenhouse was to return home and I went to Geneva to meet him feeling very happy when I saw him once again the numbers of persons both in Geneva and Lausanne had been converted while he was away and were waiting for him to baptize them among them was a retired Protestant minister Monsieur Petit Pierre of whom I have something yet to mention we began at last to rejoice in our success and be thankful that the Lord had answered our prayers I was now more than ever anxious about polygamy from much thinking on that subject I had become a haunting specter of my existence and I dreaded what every day might bring forth the news which my husband brought with him by no means reassured me he told me that he had heard in England from the American elders that there was a general expectation among the saints in Utah that at the October conference in Salt Lake City Brigham Young would publish to the world that polygamy was a doctrine of the Mormon church after all the prevarications and denials then of the apostles and elders polygamy among the saints really was a fact and as the truth became clearer to my mind I thought I should lose my senses the very foundations of my faith were shaken and not only did I feel a personal repugnance to the unholy doctrine but I began to realize that the men to whom I had listened with such profound respect and had regarded as the representatives of God had been guilty of the most deliberate and unblushing falsehood and I began to ask myself whether if they could do this in order to carry out their purpose in one particular might they not be guilty of deception upon other points who could I trust now for ten years the Mormon prophets and apostles had been living in a polygamy at home while abroad they vehemently denied it and spoke of it as a deadly sin this was a painful awakening to me we had all of us been betrayed I lost confidence in man and even began to question within myself whether I could even trust in God there was no argument between Mr. Stenhouse and myself it would have been worse than useless for it was not his doing and he assured me that he had as great a repugnance to the doctrine as I had he had at first only hinted that it might eventually be acknowledged by the leaders of the church but it was a matter of too deeply a personal character for me to keep silence and I did not rest until he had told me all he had not seen the revelation but the information which he had received was beyond a question and singularly enough Elder Margits the London elder of whose flirtation in Southampton I have already spoken was at that time on a visit to Switzerland and confirmed all that my husband had said thus the very man who two years before first excited my suspicions now confirmed my fears and openly stated as a fact that which he then was ashamed almost to suggest Elder Margits had been in Utah from the time I saw him in England and was now on a mission to Italy he knew therefore very well what was said and done among the saints in Zion I and those like me whose faith was not too strong were spoken of as babes to whom only milk must be given and in this way any deception necessary to quiet our tender consciences was allowable but Elder Margits was one of the strong men to whom meat was necessary in other words they were initiated into all the mysteries of the faith my husband enjoined me not to speak of what I had heard and I had little inclination to do so my heart was too full the pleasant dreams and hopes of life were ended now to me what could I look forward to henceforth the stern realities of a lonely and weary existence were all the future that should be mine still the revelations sanctioning a change in the doctrines and practice of the church was not yet published and until polygamy was openly avowed I felt that the doom of my happiness was not yet sealed and like many another heartbroken woman I hoped against hope the revelation on celestial marriage and time flew by and at length the dreaded revelation came one very pleasant morning early in January 1853 two elders of the Italian mission Jebes Woodward and Thomas Margits took breakfast with us and with them also was Monsieur Petit Pierre from Geneva the Protestant minister of whom I have already spoken while I was busy preparing the meal Mr. Stenhouse and the two English elders went to the post office to get their letters for at that time they were expecting important news when they returned breakfast was quite ready and they took their seats at the table I asked if there were any letters from England and my husband said no no letters but there is a star and it contains the revelation on polygamy he handed me a copy of the Millennial Star a Mormon paper published in Liverpool and as I took it I felt as if I were receiving my death warrant it was indeed the death warrant to all my hopes of happiness I rose from the table asking them to excuse me and overcome with agitation and conflicting emotions I retired to my own chamber there for the first time I read that document which has since brought such sorrow and misery to so many wronged and heartbroken women the reader may perhaps like to see the only foundation and authority for the practice of polygamy ever produced by the Mormon leaders so I copy exactly from the Millennial Star what I then read leaving out only a few lines here and there which had no special reference to the subject but helped to swell the size of the revelation celestial marriage a revelation on the patriarchal order of matrimony or the plurality of wives given to Joseph Smith the seer in Nauvoo July 12th, 1843 one verily thus saith the Lord unto you, my servant Joseph that in as much as you have inquired of my hand to know and understand where in I the Lord justified my servants Abraham, Isaac and Jacob as also Moses, David, and Solomon my servants as touching the principal and doctrine of their having many wives and concubines behold and lo I am the Lord thy God and will answer thee as touching this matter therefore prepare thy heart to receive and obey the instructions which I am about to give unto you for all those who have this law revealed unto them must obey the same for behold I reveal unto you a new and everlasting covenant and if ye abide not that covenant then ye are damned for no one can reject this covenant and be permitted to enter into my glory for all who will have a blessing at my hands shall abide the law which was appointed for that blessing and the conditions thereof as was instituted from before the foundations of the world and as pertaining to the new and everlasting covenant it was instituted for the fullness of my glory and he that receiveth the fullness thereof must and shall abide the law or he shall be damned sayeth the Lord God 2 and fairly I say unto you that the conditions of this law are these all covenants, contracts, bonds, obligations, oaths vows, performances, connections, associations or expectations that are not made or entered into and sealed by the Holy Spirit of promise of him who is anointed both as well for time and for all eternity and that too most toly by revelation and commandment through the medium of mine appointed whom I have appointed on the earth to hold this power and I have appointed unto my servant Joseph to hold this power in the last days and there is never but one on the earth at a time on whom this power and the keys of the priesthood are conferred are of no efficacy virtue or force in and after the resurrection from the dead for all contracts that are not made unto this end have an end when men are dead 4 therefore if a man marry him a wife in the world and he marry her not by me nor by my word and he covenant with her so long as he is in the world and she with him their covenant and marriage is not a force when they are dead and when they are out of the world therefore they are not bound by any law when they are out of the world and therefore when they are out of the world they neither marry nor are given in marriage but are appointed in heaven which angels are ministering servants to minister for those who are worthy of a far more and an exceeding and an eternal weight of glory for these angels did not abide by my law therefore they cannot be enlarged but remain separately and singly without exaltation in their saved condition to all eternity and from henceforth are not gods but are angels of God forever and ever and again verily I say unto you if a man marry a wife and make a covenant with her for time and for all eternity if that covenant is not by me or by my word which is my law and is not sealed by the Holy Spirit of promise through him whom I have anointed and appointed unto this power then it is not valid neither a force when they are out of the world because they are not joined by me saith the Lord neither by my word when they are out of the world it cannot be received there and all the gods are appointed there by whom they cannot pass they cannot therefore inherit my glory for my house is a house of order saith the Lord God and again verily I say unto you if a man marry a wife by my word which is my law and by the new and everlasting covenant and it is sealed unto them by the Holy Spirit of promise by him who is anointed and appointed this power and the keys of this priesthood and it shall be said unto them ye shall come forth in the first resurrection and if it be after the first resurrection in the next resurrection and shall inherit thrones kingdoms, principalities and powers, dominions all heights and depths then shall it be written in the Lamb's book of life that he shall commit no murder whereby to shed innocent blood and if he abide in my covenant and commit no murder whereby to shed innocent blood it shall be done unto them in all things whatsoever my servant hath put upon them in time and through all eternity and shall be of full force when they are out of the world and they shall pass by the angels and the gods which are set there to their exultation and glory in all things as hath been sealed upon their heads which glory shall be a fullness and a continuation of the seeds for ever and ever 7 then shall they be gods because they have no end therefore shall they be from everlasting to everlasting because they continue then shall they be above all because all things are subject unto them then shall they be gods because they have all power and the angels are subject unto them 9 verily verily I say unto you if a man marry a wife according to my word and they are sealed by the Holy Spirit of promise according to mine appointment and he or she shall commit any sin or transgression of the new and everlasting covenant whatever and all manner and if they commit no murder wherein they shed innocent blood yet shall they come forth in the first resurrection and enter into their exultation but they shall be destroyed in the flesh and shall be delivered unto the buffettines of Satan unto the day of redemption sayeth the Lord God 10 the blasphemy against the Holy Ghost which shall not be forgiven in this world nor out of the world is in that ye commit murder wherein ye shed innocent blood and ascent unto my death after ye have received my new and everlasting covenant sayeth the Lord God and he that abideth not this law can in no wise enter into my glory but shall be damned sayeth the Lord 13 God commanded Abraham and Sarah gave Hagar to Abraham to wife and why did she do it because this was the law and from Hagar sprang many people this therefore was fulfilling among other things the promises was Abraham therefore under condemnation fairly I say unto you nay for I the Lord commanded it Abraham was commanded to offer his son Isaac nevertheless it was written still Abraham however did not refuse and it was accounted to him for righteousness 14 Abraham received concubines and they bear him children and it was accounted unto him for righteousness because they were given unto him and he abode in my law as Isaac also and Jacob did none other things than that which they were commanded to exaltation according to the promises and sit upon thrones and are not angels but are gods David also received many wives and concubines as also Solomon and Moses my servant as also many others of my servants from the beginning of creation until this time and in nothing did they sin save in those things which they received not of me 15 David's wives and concubines were given unto him of me by the hand of Nathan my servant and others of the prophets who had the keys of this power and in none of these things did he sin against me save in the case of Uriah and his wife and therefore he had fallen from his exaltation and received his portion and he shall not inherit them out of the world for I gave them unto another saith the Lord 16 I am the Lord thy God and I gave unto thee my servant Joseph an appointment and restore all things I have conferred upon you the keys and power of the priesthood wherein I restore all things and make known unto you all things in due time 17 and verily verily I say unto you that whatsoever you seal on earth shall be sealed in heaven and whatsoever you bind on earth in my name and by my word saith the Lord it shall be eternally bound in the heavens and whosoever's sins you remit on earth shall be remitted eternally in the heavens and whosoever's sins you retain on earth shall be retained in heaven 18 and verily I say whosoever you bless I will bless and whosoever you curse I will curse saith the Lord for I the Lord am thy God 19 and again verily I say unto you my servant Joseph that whatsoever you give on earth and to whosoever you give anyone on earth by my word and according to my law it shall be visited with blessings 20 a commandment I give unto my handmaid Emma Smith your wife let my handmaid Emma Smith receive all those that have been given unto my servant Joseph and who are virtuous and pure before me and those who are not pure and have said they were pure shall be destroyed saith the Lord God I give unto my servant Joseph that he shall be made ruler over many things for he hath been faithful over a few things and from henceforth I will strengthen him 21 and I command my handmaid Emma Smith to abide and cleave unto my servant Joseph and to none else but if she will not abide this commandment she shall be destroyed saith the Lord for I am the Lord thy God and will destroy her if she abide not in my law but if she will abide this commandment then shall my servant Joseph do all things for her even as he said and I will bless him and multiply him and give unto him a hundredfold in this world of fathers and mothers brothers and sisters houses and lands and crowns of eternal lives in the eternal worlds and again, verily I say let my handmaid forgive my servant Joseph his trespasses and then shall she be forgiven her trespasses wherein she has trespassed against me and I the Lord thy God will bless her and multiply her and make her heart to rejoice 24 and again if any man espouse a virgin and desire to espouse another and the first give her consent and if he espouse the second and they are virgins and have vowed to no other man then is he justified he cannot commit adultery for they are given him for he cannot commit adultery with them that belongeth unto him And if he have ten virgins given unto him by this law, he cannot commit adultery, for they belong to him, and they are given unto him. Therefore is he justified. But if one or either of the ten virgins, after she is espoused, shall be with another man, she has committed adultery, and shall be destroyed, for they are given unto him to multiply and replenish the earth, according to my commandment, and to fulfill the promise which was given by my father before the foundation of the world, and for their exaltation in the eternal worlds, that they may bear the souls of men, for herein is the work of my father continued, that he may be glorified. 25. And again, verily, verily, I say unto you, if any man have a wife who holds the keys of this power, and he teaches unto her the law of my priesthood, as pertaining to these things, then shall she believe, and administer unto him, or she shall be destroyed, sayeth the Lord your God, for I will destroy her, for I will magnify my name upon all those who receive and abide in my law. 26. Therefore it shall be lawful in me, if she receive not this law, for him to receive all things whatsoever I the Lord his God will give unto him, because she did not believe, and administer unto him, according to my word, and she then becomes the transgressor, and he is exempt from the law of Sarah, who administered unto Abraham according to the law, when I commanded Abraham to take Hagar to wife. 27. And now, as pertaining to this law, verily, verily, I say unto you, I will reveal more unto you hereafter. 28. Therefore let this suffice for the present, behold, I am Alpha and Omega. Amen. 29. And this was the revelation, this mass of confusion, cunning absurdity, falsehood, and bad grammar. This was the celebrated document which was henceforth to be law to the confiding men and women who had embraced Mormonism. Looking at it now, noting its inconsistencies and its flagrant outrage upon common decency and morality, I can hardly credit that I should ever have been such a silly dupe as to give it a second thought. And yet what could I do? I was bound, hand and foot, as it were, and my very vision itself was distorted. One questioning obedience we had been taught was the highest virtue. Rebellion was as the sin of witchcraft. I had been convinced of the truth of some of the tenets of the Mormon faith and confident in them. I accepted without question all the rest. Never till the possibility that polygamy might someday be acknowledged by the church began to be whispered among the saints, never did a solitary doubt respecting my religion intrude itself upon my mind. And after my apprehensions were fairly aroused by those rumours, whenever I felt the faintest shadow of unbelief or suspicion arising in my heart, I banished it as an unholy thing. The time had not yet come when I could judge dispassionately. The revelation aroused within me feelings of horror and dismay, but I did not dare to question its authenticity. It brought bitterness to my soul, but I believed it was from God, and that I must learn to bear the cross patiently. I did not at that time read the document through, from beginning to end. No, my indignation was such that before I had read half of it I threw it from me in anger. Perhaps if I had read it all, and considered it carefully, my own judgment and my sense of right and wrong might have pointed out its absurdity and wickedness. But I was far from being tranquil enough to think calmly. I felt bitterly that this new doctrine was a degradation to woman, and I wondered why God should see fit to humiliate my sex in this way. I was willing to devote myself, my life, my all to his service, but wherefore should he doom me to everlasting sorrow. But now was to be a woman's lot among the Mormons, a life without hope. Who can express the terrible meaning of those words, without hope? Yet so it was. Hereafter our hearts were to be daily and hourly trampled upon. The most sacred feelings of our sex were to be outraged. Our affections were to be crushed. We were to be nothing by ourselves. Without a husband we were told we could not even enter heaven. But had our trials been limited to this life, we might have borne them, as many a weary soul has done, waiting for the relief of death. But death was to bring no hope to us. We were told that in the other world polygamy should be the only order of marriage, and that without it none could be exalted in glory. We were told these things by men who we believed were true and holy men of God, and we trusted in them. Repelious I felt, indeed, as I paced the room after I had thrown the revelation on the ground. I almost felt as if I should lose my reason. A woman in the time of trouble always looks to someone in whom she can confide. But to whom could I turn for one kind or cheering word? Who would comfort me? I had neither relation or friend to whom I could speak of this trial. There was no one who could understand me. I could not turn to my husband in this sorrow, and I dared not even kneel to my God to implore his aid. It was he, they said, who had declared this revelation was his will. How then could I turn to him? No my heart sank within me. Henceforth there was to be no hope, no peace for me. There was a knock at my chamber door, and my husband came in. He knew how acutely I must feel, and he came to comfort me. I was almost choked with emotion and tears, but he threw his arms around me tenderly, and spoke to me as if I had been a child that needed consolation. He tried to persuade me that God, as a loving Father, could never have intended the pain or misery of his children, and that when we came to understand the doctrine better we should find that all would be well. He spoke also of his own unchanging attachment, and appealed to me whether I thought he could ever love me less, or place his affections on another. I tried to believe, and when I felt a little better I went with him to the breakfast room, where the others were waiting for us. We were not a very entertaining party that morning. The elders present, of course, knew what had kept me in my room, and their attempt at cheerfulness was not very successful. My husband was in sympathy with me, and I have no doubt that I looked sad enough. There was only one person present who did not appreciate the situation. Monsieur Petit Pierre, the Protestant minister, and they handed the revelation to him. Mr. Stenhouse and the other elders had some misgiving as to how he would receive it, and they were afraid it might disgust him with Mormonism. But the old gentleman stood the test bravely, and I saw then as I have since seen that men can be easily satisfied that the revelation on polygamy or any other revelation is divine if they desire it to be so. Here was old Monsieur Petit Pierre, a man of more than three score years, and childless. To him the example of Abraham and Solomon appeared most instructive. An example which might be followed with advantage. His wife, like Sarah of Old, had never been called by a mother's name, and now although thus far he had no idea who might act the part of a second Hagar, there seemed a fair chance that a little echemail might perpetrate the race of Petit Pierre's on the earth if only the revelation was acted upon by the faithful. It ought to be prayerfully thought of, he said. Prayerfully thought of? Poor silly old man. Before then I had respect for his years and learning, but now what could I think of a man who talked such nonsense? Had the revelation told him that the wife of his youth now tottering in step, and with hair silvered by age, was commanded to take two or a dozen young husbands, I wondered whether he would have added with such satisfaction, it ought to be prayerfully thought of. From that day I learned to regard polygamy as an essential part of the Mormon faith, and such for many years the world has considered it. But when I first joined the church, such an innovation would have appeared to the European saints beyond the wildest fancies of a dream. Missionary Work Teaching Polygamy I now entered upon a new phase of my missionary life. The elders assured me that it was my duty to teach polygamy to the women of Switzerland. Hitherto although I had suffered much from poverty and privation, my work as a missionary had been very pleasant. I believed with my whole heart all that I taught, and my best wishes for the people around me were that they might become altogether such as I was, except for my sufferings. Now however all was changed. It was no longer salvation, through faith in Christ, or repentance or baptism. It was no longer love and peace for this world, and the promise of everlasting joy in the world to come that I was called upon to teach. My task hitherto had been a labor of love. Now it was to be a weary work of pain. How could I teach the sisters the affection of whose guileless hearts I had won to myself? How could I teach them that which my own heart abhorred, a doctrine which I hated with my whole soul? How I strove against my rebellious nature, how I battled with myself? That God had sent the revelation I never questioned, and all rebellion to His will I knew must be sinful. I had no thought of evading the responsibility. My heart must be subdued. It might be subdued, it might be crushed and broken, but I could never again I felt be truly happy. I tried to reason with myself and to persuade myself that it was I who was to blame, and not the revelation. If the Lord required me to submit, it must be for some good purpose, and I must not refuse the cross that He called upon me to bear. Sometimes for a few moments something would attract my attention and divert my thoughts, but the terrible reality, polygamy, refused to be ignored, and I felt all the more bitterly afterwards. I never was happy, for life had lost its charm to me. Air I slept at night one dreadful thought was haunting my pillow, it disturbed my very dreams, and when I awoke in the morning it was with the feverish apprehension of coming evil hanging over me. All through the long weary day it haunted my footsteps like a spectre, and like a fearful blight that had fallen upon me it seemed to be withering my soul. One thought was ever present in my mind, that thought, polygamy. It can be no wonder that I lost all interest in life, and that I should almost wish to die rather than live a life of degradation which I dreaded would be mine. But death flies from those who woo her, the wretched, the weary, the hopeless, they find her not. I felt that there was no rest for me. My only comfort was in my children. No revelation I felt could change their relationship to me. But over my little daughter Clara I mourned, for I thought if this revelation were acted upon by the saints, as doubtless it would be, she would someday be called upon to suffer as I did. How little did I then, however, anticipate in what way my fears would be realized. My Clara is now the daughter-in-law of Brigham Young, having married his eldest son, Joseph A. Young. I am afraid at that time I was somewhat of a trial to my husband, for my heart was not yet quite subdued. I grew impatient at the wrong which I felt had been done to me, and I often said bitter things against the Prophet of the Lord and all his sex, including my husband, who was then and for years after, a devoted Mormon, and was quite horrified at what I said. He often told me that I was a great hindrance to him, and that it was impossible for anyone who lived with me to enjoy the spirit of God, and I was afraid that he only spoke the truth. Then I repented and sought to chasten myself, and I fasted and prayed and asked forgiveness of God and my husband. But even when most subdued I was as unhappy as ever, and someone was sure to say something which reminded me of my trouble, and whenever the elders came to the house they were sure to discuss the one painful topic. Then my indignant feelings all came back again, and I felt the spirit of rebellion stirring within me. I could not help it, for I felt that woman's nature itself was insulted by the degrading doctrine, and any mention of it excited my anger. My husband and the elders had anticipated that I would not readily submit, and they bore with me as patiently as they could, losing no opportunity of strengthening me and the faith, ever keeping before me the obligation that rested upon me in particular to explain the doctrine to the Swiss sisters. They knew very well that nothing tends more to conform the faith of the wavering than setting them to teach others. Brigham Young has always acted upon this principle, and whenever any of the brethren have evinced signs of doubt or disaffection they have been at once dispatched on mission. Their efforts to convert others established their own faith. Among the Swiss we had never spoken on polygamy or any kindred subject, and we were therefore spared the humiliation of which the British elders experienced in having to retract their own teachings. Nevertheless, Mr. Stenhouse and the other elders felt great anxiety as to how the new doctrine would be received. My husband did not at once openly tell them that such a revelation had been sent from Zion, but whenever an opportunity presented he took them aside singly and spoke to them about the ancient patriarchs who practiced polygamy, and so great was his influence with the converts that he soon won them over to the new teaching, and made them feel that they would not be justified in rejecting the revelation. Many of the Swiss saints before their conversion had been more socialists than Christians, and they probably thought that this change in the marriage institution was a sign of advancing intellectual supremacy, but their wives were very far from sharing these opinions with them. After many days and nights of prayer and fasting I prepared myself for my work. To a certain extent I had brought my own self under control or thought I had, and I almost felt anxious to begin so that I might get over the painful scenes which I fully anticipated. It was agreed that Madame Belif, of whom I had already spoken, as being rather skeptical when my child recovered from her critical condition, should be the first to whom the intelligence should be imparted, for it was thought that if she accepted the revelation without much difficulty the other sisters would be more easily won over. She was a well educated and intelligent woman and had seen a good deal of the world. She had met her husband while travelling in Russia, had married him, and they had returned to their native land. She was in every respect a lady, but she was a spoiled child and had her whims, and she possessed a great influence over the minds of the other sisters. On this account it was that she was selected as the victim to whom should first be imparted the mysteries of the revelation, for it was thought that whatever reception she might give to polygamy her views would greatly influence the conduct of the rest. As I before mentioned, Madame Belif and her husband were models of affection to one another, and it seemed to me quite a sin that I should introduce into such a household a doctrine which could only produce disunion and misery. I had however schooled my heart to what I thought was my duty, and I strove to smother the rebellion rising within me. But after all it seemed to me hardly fair that I should be selected for this painful task. These husbands had not courage enough or were ashamed to tell their own wives about this wonderful revelation, and so I, a weak woman, hating in my heart the doctrine as much as a woman could hate, I was chosen to introduce this pleasant subject and to persuade those I loved to their own ruin. I had had it all fully explained to me, and I thoroughly understood the beauties of the system in the sight of the elders, and what they considered the strong points in the revelation. But it is miserable work to try to convince others of a thing that you yourself detest. One day quite unexpectedly to her they had told Madame Belif that a new revelation had been sent from Zion, and that I would explain it to her. Then Monsieur Belif left the house and remained absent until the wife whom he so devotedly loved should have heard this new thing. Madame Belif came downstairs singing in her usual gay spirits, little expecting what she was going to hear, and when she came to me I felt so unfitted for my task that I dared not look her straight in the face, although she was my dearest friend, and I had such an affection for her. I stood there, pale and trembling, and she thought that I was not well. I was not well indeed, I was sick at heart. Never before had the face of a friend been so unwelcome. She asked me what it was that I had to tell her, and when I hesitatingly denied having wanted to speak to her at all, she said she knew there must be something, as her husband had told her so. I hesitated still, but at last found courage, and told her all. It was a cruel task to impose upon me. Day after day I had observed her and her husband. I had noticed their deep affection, had seen her watching at the window for his return, and he would come with a little offering of choice, fruit, or flowers, and I thought no woman could be happier than Madame Belleve, and now for me to so cruelly awaken them from their dream of bliss. She sat and listened eagerly as I told my story, and when at length she began to understand what was meant by it, she thought that I must be playing some unseasonable joke upon her, and showed as much in her countenance. But when she saw that I really was an earnest, she sprang up and cried out, Oh my God, what a beastly religion! How dared your husband and you come to a Swiss with such a religion as that! My eyes sank before her as she turned on me with mingled rage and disgust, as she would wither me with her contemptuous looks. I felt as humbled as if I myself had been the author of the revelation. And as my Sergei believed this, she cried, I assured her that he did believe it, and she paced the room to and fro as if she would go crazy. My heart ached for her. She gave way to a perfect storm of rage, and then sobbed and cried like a child who had lost its mother. I was silent for I knew how she must feel, and I felt that she would be relieved by tears. I had gone through the trial all alone, without one word from a woman's heart that could reach my own, and I tried to comfort her. I remembered how I had felt myself, and I believed that thus it was now with her. In an instant when I first realized that polygamy had anything to do with me, just as I have heard it said of dying men, all my past life rushed to my remembrance, and every word or deed of love therein stood out in brightest reality. Thus I doubted not it was with my friend. Every tender word which her husband had ever uttered, every loving deed he had ever done, came to her recollection with the tenfold dearness as she realized the horrors which awaited in her future. How little did either of us imagine the story she would afterwards tell me in Utah. I tried to soothe her, and she threw her arms passionately round me, and pressed me to her throbbing heart, and wept again. She thought of her husband and her little girls. But with all her fears she dreamed not how miserable was the life before her in poverty and polygamy. She was herself, handsome in form and fair in feature, and in the full enjoyment of all that could be desired in her sphere of life. She was as happy as a youthful wife could be. She pictured to herself a time, not now, her Serge loved her too truly now, when her husband might cast his eyes upon some blooming damsel, younger than she was then, and might begin to take a nearer interest in polygamy. She pictured him bestowing on the youthful beauty the love and tenderness which he had always bestowed on her. How his affections would die out towards her, how her heart would be desolate and alone. I took her hand in mine and spoke very gently to her, and when she was calmer I talked to her more freely. We found now, as we tried to look our common enemy in the face, how strong a hold Mormonism had taken hold of us, and it is in this that persons unacquainted with the saints have so greatly misjudged the women of Utah. They know how small a hold such a religion would have upon them. Now they look upon Mormonism and polygamy as identical, and they forget how all absorbing was our faith in Mormonism without polygamy. We confided not wisely but too well. Had polygamy been an invention of our husbands or a system which they capriciously adopted, we might have been grieved, but we should have known how to act, for we were in a Christian country where women had rights as well as men. It was our own hearts which were traitors to us. We had been taught to regard Abraham and Jacob and David and Solomon as types of holiness as men who were fit objects for imitation. And now it was proved to us from scripture that these men were polygamists and yet were blessed by God, and we were called upon to follow their example. Thus we tried to crush out the remembrance of our own womanhood. Had we but followed the light of reason which God had given for our guide, we should have trampled in the dust that vile burlesque upon the holy religion of Jesus, called a revelation upon celestial marriage. As it was the religious teachings which we had received, both before and after we embraced Mormonism, alike combined to blind us to the truth. In this state of mind we knelt and prayed for the Lord to increase our faith in that very doctrine which in our hearts we cursed and hated, and on our knees we wept again, and natural feelings of repugnance mingled with an earnest struggle to submit to the will of God. Madame Belif had not so much faith in Mormonism as I had, and she had consequently less to trouble her in that respect. But she loved her husband, and she knew that he was determined to go to Zion as soon as he could, and then not only would all the luxuries of a happy home be sacrificed, but all her anticipations of the future were overshadowed by a terrible apprehension. Thus we were equally troubled, though I had to endure most, as the task of teaching fell upon me. I did at last manage to persuade her not to offer any active opposition to the revelation, but I could not satisfy her that all was right. She even went so far as to promise to try to overcome her own feelings, for if it was really true she did not wish to be found fighting against the Lord. She had, however, hardly ceased speaking, when the thought of her little daughters crossed her mind, and once more she paced the room like an enraged Tigris, declaring angrily that no vile polygamist should ever possess either of her sweet girls. I had felt like this for my own darling Clara. I now had a companion in misery, someone who could sympathize with me. Even had my husband detested the doctrine as I did, he could not have comforted me as a woman and a mother could. My poor dear friend could feel as I felt, and her sympathy was very dear to me. Misery loves companionship. We were sisters in affliction. Not only so, Madame Belif declared that this painful task should not rest on me alone. She would help me in speaking to the sisters. Thus we helped each other in the time of our trouble. It must have been about this time that I received another letter from Mary Burton. The postmark is quite indistinct, but a week or two one way or the other does not signify much. In her usual quick and impulsive way she gave me her views of the beauties of polygamy, and perhaps the reader would like to hear what she said. I am very miserable sister Stenhouse and furiously indignant. I little thought when I last wrote to you that I should have such news to tell, but I suppose you know it all without my saying a word. How we all felt when we first learned that polygamy was true. No words of mine can describe. We hardly dared look one another in the face. Let me tell you how it was. One night quite late Elder Shoesbury came round in a hurry and asked to see me. I went down into the parlor to meet him, and Mrs. Ellsworth came down also and remained until he went away. Elder Shoesbury looked very strange that night, just like a man who had been doing something very wrong and was ashamed of it. And well, he might feel so. He began by talking to Mrs. Ellsworth about the weather, and when they had both said all they could think of on that interesting and original subject, we all three sat silent for some time. Elder Shoesbury at last spoke. He excused himself for coming so late, but he said he had only just received some important news and could not rest until he had seen us. He had been round at the conference house and had there seen a good many of the elders. They were all talking earnestly upon the same subject, for that day they had received not only letters from the apostle at Liverpool, but also copies of the millennial star with the revelation in it, which I suppose you have seen. Of course it was impossible for them to doubt any longer, but most of them felt it was a cruel blow. Elder Shoesbury said they looked at one another, but did not dare to speak. Nearly all of them had been anxiously trying to get rid of the false scandal, as they supposed the accusation of polygamy to be, and in public, in their sermons, and in private to all the weak brethren, they had over and over again solemnly declared that polygamy was unheard of among the saints, that it was a gentile lie, and they had proved from the Bible and from the Book of Mormon that a doctrine so sinful could never be believed or practiced by God's people. Now all this would be thrown in their teeth. Those who hated Mormonism would revile them for it, and worse still the saints would despise and doubt them for the lies which many of them had innocently told. Who could tell where all this would end when they were found to have been deceived in a matter like polygamy, about which it was so easy to arrive at facts and certainty? Who could trust them concerning other doctrines, which depended on their veracity and testimony alone? Then too there was worse to be said about the American elders and apostles. Who could believe that Orson Pratt, or Lorenzo Snow knew nothing of polygamy? And yet they denied it in the most solemn way. And oh, Sister Stenhouse, think of the apostle Taylor calling God to witness his truth, when he proved from the Book of Covenants that there was no such thing as polygamy, and all the while he had himself five wives in Salt Lake City. Oh my, this is dreadful. Whether the doctrine is true or not, I can never believe that God would forgive all that abominable lying about it. But I was telling you of that evening. Elder Shrewsbury told us all this, but he spoke slowly and disjointedly like a man whose mind is troubled. He said he hardly knew what he was doing. Then he gave Mrs. Ellsworth a copy of the Star, and he asked me too to read the Revelation carefully before I condemned it. If the Revelation, as you call it, allows polygamy, I exclaimed, it is a lie, and I hate and despise it, and you, and Mormonism, and all. I was in quite a fury, and I did feel as if I hated him then. He did not answer me. He seemed too cut up to utter a word, but I did not pity him. I felt that men who would write such a Revelation as that, for their own wicked purposes, deserved all the hatred which the cruellest heart could muster up. They were loathsome to any peer-minded woman. Then we went downstairs, for I generally go to see him out. He took my hand in his to shake it, and he held it there although I tried to take it away, and he said mournfully, Sister Mary, I know you have good cause for anger, but be just. I have been just as much deceived as you ever have been. It has unsettled all my faith. Even our best and most tried missionaries are shrinking from it. Do not blame me for what I have not done. I never deceived you about it. How can I tell that, I said, if the apostles thought nothing of deceiving us and perjuring themselves, how can I trust anyone? If they had only held their tongues I should have thought it wrong for them to passively let us be deceived. But you yourself know how solemnly they affirmed that it was all false. I tell you fairly, I hate them. The apostles, he said, had told some who were strong enough in the faith to bear it all the truth, but they gave us milk, because the Bible says, because we were babes and our faith was weak. Nonsense, I said, to tell me such stuff as that, as if the Bible called lies and perjury, milk, nice food for babes indeed, why it's blasphemy even to talk so. I cannot help it, Sister Mary, he said. I am more sorry than I can tell you, but what can I do? I did not answer him, and after a few moments during which he held still my hand in his, he said, Mary, I want to speak to you alone about these things, I have much that I want to say, and I don't want Mrs. Ellsworth to be with us. Can I see you tomorrow evening, if I call? Can I speak with you for half an hour by ourselves? I wish you would not call me Mary any more, Elder Shrewsbury, I said. It is too familiar now, we have been far too friendly, but thank God I have found out in time and know how to act, I hardly think I ought to let you call me Sister Mary even, there can be no brotherhood or sisterhood with polygamy, but I don't want to be unkind to you. Then I told him that he might come as he said, and that I would ask Mrs. Ellsworth to let me see him. He went away looking most miserable, and Mrs. Ellsworth scalded me for being so long at the door. I suppose she thought we were love-making, but she was greatly mistaken. She did not seem much pleased or vexed about the revelation, and she told me that she knew quite well before that it would come some day, and as she said that there was a peculiar look of determination about her mouth that I have never seen before. I felt sure at once that she had formed a plan of some kind that she would carry out if it cost her her life. Then I went to my own room and tried to think the matter out. If I were married as you are, Sister Stenhouse, and if my husband believed in the revelation, I think I should go crazy. As it was I felt terribly. You know, dear, I told you that I liked Elder Shrewsbury very well, but nothing more. Well that was very true then, but now I know that that was not all the truth. I take care that he shall never know what I think of him. But Elder knew I know that he is not the same to me as other people. I do not think I love him, no. I'm sure I don't now, but I do feel a great deal of interest in him. That night, however, I felt very bad at him. That he had been deceived I knew, and also that he must have felt sorry for having deceived me, and if he cares for me he must have felt uneasy for what I might say or do. Now the doctrine was proclaimed that I thought that as a man he ought to have shown more courage and not to have appeared so thoroughly frightened before a girl like me. Well the more I thought of it the more angry I became and I couldn't sleep all night. The next morning I wrote a little note to Elder Shrewsbury saying that after all that had happened I had fully resolved not to see him again. Many of my friends I said were married and could not help themselves, but I both could and would. The Mormon sisters I should ever pity and love, but as for the Mormon men I would never have anything to do with one of them as long as I lived. I did not want to be unkind to him personally, but I really could not trust anyone now. I then showed this note to Mrs. Ellsworth and asked her to give it to Elder Shrewsbury that night when he came. He came of course and he came again and again, but I would not see him and I did not even go to the meetings for fear of coming across him there. He had long talks with Mrs. Ellsworth and tried to get her to interfere, and at last he sent me a long letter in treating me not to refuse him. I was cooler now, and when Mrs. Ellsworth said I ought to at least see him even if I dismissed him then, I agreed to do so, and the next night he came. He was very humble that night. You know what torrents of eloquence he pours forth about anything that interests him and how earnest he is, but then all his eloquence had fled. He hesitated and blundered until I really quite pitied him. He came and sat by me, and would have taken my hand, but I would not let him. He did not tell me that he loved me, but he spoke as if I were conscious of the fact, and you know of course I couldn't help feeling that he cared for me whether he spoke about it or not. He assured me over and over again that though he had often heard the scandal, as I had done, he did not for a moment believe it. He said that he should never himself act up to the revelation, that if he loved it should be an undivided and all-absorbing love, that he would rather have less glory in eternity with one whom he could idolize, than obey the revelation on polygamy and obtain a higher position. All this time he hardly looked once at me, but when I did see his eyes they seemed very sorrowful and very earnest. I confess to you that what he said made me feel very differently for him, for a man of his ability and talent who has such an influence and wins so much respect from everyone he meets, to be sitting there all bashful like a naughty child before a young girl like me, and all because he loved me made me feel for him a pity which was very near to love. But it was not love quite, and I did not let him read my thoughts. I asked him to tell me all he knew, and to explain to me the meaning of different parts of the revelation which were rather obscure to me, and he did so. Then he tried to shake my resolution and so anxious and troubled did he seem, that I really do think that if I had asked him to give up Mormonism altogether he would have done so for my sake. I told him that I had quite resolved, now that polygamy was acknowledged, never to see him again except as I might see the other elders at meeting. I said I believed I was still a good Mormon, as Mormons used to be, but I would never receive polygamy or be more than an ordinary friend to anyone who did believe it. We talked together a good deal and we sat silently together a long while, and at last he rose to go. He kissed my hand sorrowfully, and I didn't like to be vexed with him for doing so. He looked so dullful, and he said he'd wait and wait ever so long if I wanted him to do so, but that he would hope on trusting that some day I might change. I told him my thought, I knew I should never change. After that I only saw him at meeting. And oh dear, you should see what meanings we have now. Half the people don't attend, and everything is so cold and lifeless, and it is said among the brethren that polygamy will produce the greatest apostasy which the church has ever seen. Everyone seems ashamed of it. And now dear, I have written you a terrible long letter, but you must please forgive me, for I have no one to whom I can open my heart except to you. I wish I had some keepsake to remember you by. Well, I don't mean that, but I should like so to have your portrait. Did you not once tell me that Elder Stenhouse talked of learning photography? Does he practice it now? And if so, couldn't you get him to take a shadow of yourself? I should so like to have one. Mine I will send you as soon as it is taken. I mean to write again to you in the course of a day or two, and then I'll tell you what Elder Shrewsbury said about the revelation itself. Meanwhile, dear, kiss both the babies, please for me, and write soon to your most affectionately loving Mary Burton. Poor girl, I said as I folded up her letter, but it is better for her to suffer a little now than for her to have been married first as I was, and then, when too late to go back, to have polygamy announced as an article of faith. End of chapter 10.