 This week, Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin will have their first face-to-face as opposed to all their previous meetings, which were face-to-ass. I think we all know whose face was kissing whose ass. It's 3 a.m. on Tuesday, July 4th, 2017. I'm David Feldman. We have a lot of show, so let's get right to it. This is the David Feldman Radio Network. On today's show, comedian Michael Meehan joins us from San Francisco. He's the director of the new film, Hey Monster, Get Your Hands Off My City. It's a feliti-esque love and or hate letter to the city by the bay. Also, comedian Larry Brown stops by. He's one of the stars of Hey Monster, Get Your Hands Off My City, as well as the new documentary streaming on Amazon, Three Still Standing. It's all about the glory days of the San Francisco comedy scene. And with tyranny's How We Climb has a surprising take on Nancy Pelosi, Laura House and I talk relationships, and our Miami Beach correspondent, Bruce Smyrnoff, tells us how to pick up women. Stay with me. Back from Paris is the founder and treasurer of the Blue America Pack, which raises money for progressive candidates. And he writes the down with tyranny blog How We Climb. Hello, Howie. Welcome back to America. You were away for a while. I was. I spent most of June in Paris, a city that I've always loved and have been going back to over the years. I first went there in 1969 and I've been going back there on a very regular basis since then. But I haven't been there in a few years and I got to go this time on a very different kind of trip because instead of a business oriented trip, I just rented a house from an artist in Montmartre and just hung out there and made it like my home for a while and got to basically explore part of the city very intensely that I had never spent much time in. And it's a really nice part of the city. It's a very artistic part of the city. And I just loved it. Today we're going to talk about Nancy Pelosi. You say that the alternative may be worse, unfortunately. We'll talk about Dick Gephart, who used to be the house leader for the Democrats. He's a prick. And Randy Bryce is running against Paul Ryan and you're supporting him. But first, you lost a good friend. I guess she was 94 in Holland. She was 95. She's a painter named, she was born Hilda von Norden and she married a Frenchman named Renee Pomier. So she was also known as Hilda Pomier. Her daughter, Evelyn Pomier was one of my closest friends in the world. When I was in my early 20s, I was living in Amsterdam and all of my friends were Dutch and they insisted that I only, since we worked in a youth center where the common language was English and they were offended that they had to speak English in their own country. I don't blame them. They insisted outside of work. None of them would speak English, although they were all fluent in English. So for me to relate to them, I had to learn Dutch and they all thought that was a good thing anyway. And it was, but you know, sometimes you want to talk English and the only person who would talk English with me was Evelyn. And she was a beautiful young artist and we became very, very close friends. Her former boyfriend at that time, a guy named Tone, is still one of my best friends in the world. We sometimes go on trips together. And since I was the only one that had a vehicle in our circle of friends in Amsterdam and Paris is just a few hours away and her mother and father lived in Paris, we used to go visit her parents all the time. They had a big, wonderful flat in Paris plus her mother had a studio and we would sometimes stay at the studio, sometimes stay at the house. And I got to be very, very close with her mother. Her mother, although she was an artist and she introduced me to, into artistic circles in France and it was a wonderful experience for me. She was really well known for something else. When she was 22, which was around the age that I, and that I was at the time, she and her two brothers blew up a Nazi troop train in an incident that eventually became very famous. And she is a hero of the Netherlands. She was given awards and medals after the war and a lifetime pension. And in fact, in the last few years, her husband, Renee, had passed away. She moved back to Holland and lived in a retirement home. She was very, very frail for the last few years and that was all paid for by the government in gratitude for her fighting Nazis. So we're talking about a 22 year old girl with her two brothers who I believe one was younger than her and one was older than her. I'm not 100% sure of that, but I think that's what it was. She was the middle 12 and he had these three children went out, put a plan together to blow up a Nazi troop train, figured it out on their own and blew it up and that and got away with it. And to me, that was just so amazing and so inspiring. And I loved hearing Hilda's stories about those times and it always meant so much to me and I got to know her and I never went back to Paris without visiting her. Eventually, Evelyn, who was very young, as I said, passed away. She went to India, overland as I had done and she wound up getting cholera and dying in India. And obviously her mother never got over that. But Hilda and I remained friends all these years. And anyway, this was the first time I had ever gone to Paris without seeing her. She wasn't there, she was in Holland. And then the day I got back from Paris and thinking the whole time, wow, I'm in Paris and not seeing Hilda. That next day, Evelyn's former boyfriend, Tom, my friend, got in touch with me and said Hilda just died last night. So she is no longer with us. And the book I always thought about writing about her adventures is never going to get written. You had been wrestling with the notion of visiting her, driving to Holland and visiting her, but you did. I did, but as it turned out, Tom and his wife were in Albania. My friend Willie, who's art exhibition was opening, which was another excuse for driving there. It turned out his art exhibition wasn't opening to the day. We had to be back in LA. So nothing was sort of working out for me to drive to Holland. And I wound up not doing it. Obviously, if I knew she was going to die, I would have gone, but I didn't know. And I'll see you next time. On the Down with Charity blog, you write that when you were in your 20s and living in Amsterdam, you went to a VW factory and bought a bug right off the line? Yeah, they had a special deal for American students in those days where for $1,500 you could get a brand new VW van. And the deal was such an amazing deal, $1,500 for a van, but a fully equipped camper van. But you had to agree in writing that you would export it, that you couldn't sell it in Germany. And so I took it with me to India. And then you drove it to India. I remember you told me this when we first met. You actually drove that VW van to India. I lived in it for over two years. So it was like both a means of transportation and my home. And there were many, many times that I had no money at all. And I don't know what would have happened to me, except I did have a home. How do you drive through the Kiber Pass? Yes, in fact, absolutely through the Kiber Pass. How safe is that? Well, there is an alternative way to go through Pakistan, but the Kiber Pass, there was something in those days, believe it or not, I know you're going to laugh when I tell you, called the hippie trail. And basically you leave London and you, everyone stops in the same places and you get to know everybody who's in those days. This was 1969, I'm talking about. You get to know everybody who's making the trek across Europe and Asia to India. You know, everyone stops for amounts of time in Istanbul, in one part of Istanbul, we call it the Blue Moss District, everybody stops in Tehran, in those days, everyone would stop in Kabul, usually for a lengthy amount of time. I spent a lot of time in Afghanistan. And so you sort of get to know everybody else. And it's, you know, one big, giant happy family, everybody who travels that season from Europe to India. It's different now, you can't make that trip. But when I was a kid, I was able to do it. I was barely 20. And it was, you know, the experience of a lifetime. It was safe back then, now it's just war time. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It wasn't safe back then? It was not safe back then, it's never been safe. Since, I think it might have been safe when Alexander the Great went through Afghanistan, that's when it was safe. I mean, I remember this one time where we were all standing, there's a bunch of, you know, guys with Kalishnikovs or whatever they had. And we were all standing there with our hands over our heads. And they were all making like they could shoot us. And, you know, the owl went by with our hands over our heads. And it's getting kind of horrible. One of the guys, you know, Australian guy who was with us was on acid. And all of a sudden he just started laughing hysterically and took his hands down and they were all freaking out like they could kill us. And then he's just laughing his head off and ignoring them. And I'm freaking out God, I'm gonna die in a fucking Afghanistan now. And as it turned out, they all thought this was the funniest thing in the world. They all started laughing too. And then they insisted that we all sit around and smoke hash for the rest of the night. That usually solves a lot of problems. Hash doesn't. Especially made up ones, there was no problem. They thought this whole thing was very amusing. So you were in Paris for three weeks? Yeah, about that. And it was just, basically it was almost more like a trip to Montmartre than a trip to Paris. Although, you know, we got invited to an opening of what's his name? That artist, that English artist who lives in L.A. and paints from Impulse, I've got his name already. But he had an art opening at the George Pompidou Center. We went to that, he and I have the same accountant. That's how that happened. And so we went around and I went to some of my favorite restaurants around Paris. But basically in terms of where I spent all my time, it was mostly in Montmartre. And, you know, I had, we had, the neighborhood that we stayed in was called Abès, which is named for an abbey. Abès means abbey. And that abbey has been turned into a townhouse that's owned by this artist, the writer. And we rented it. It's a beautiful three-story house with a elevator. And my office was on the third floor. It's a beautiful glass room, basically, that I shared with an incredible veranda with a hanging garden and all these wild birds. And it was just a wonderful way to integrate myself into Paris and to just a normal life. And I sat there and did my blog and would eat French food and see French things. Great. David Hockney, I looked it up. Yes, that's exactly who I mean. David Hockney, he had a retrospective at the George Pompidou Center. And I've never really been much of a fan of his stuff. I have to be honest. But I went anyway because of my accountant who I like very much and she invited me. And I was shocked. The stuff was really good. And I can't say like everything he's done, but he did a lot of really, really good stuff and a lot of, especially some of the later stuff that he's not famous for is very, very, very cutting edge and very inventive and creative. And I really enjoyed myself. And we went to the Picasso Museum and I have this great picture of myself on that post that you were looking at me with Picasso's goat. And good time was had by all. Yeah, you sound great. What's the downside to France? Downside to France. In other words, what made you glad to leave France? Nothing, I want to go back. Oh. Are you kidding? Nothing made me glad to leave. It was 99 one day and for half the trip it was in the 90s and they don't have a lot of AC there. So that was a little bothersome. But generally speaking, I loved it. I mean, I was happy to be home. I love my house. I love my friends here and my life here. So that was a positive thing. I mean, Roland used to keep saying, well, at least we're not going to blank. You know, Cleveland or whatever, but these were not going home to Cleveland because he was also loved Paris. And, you know, you sort of have to make an excuse for the fact that you're leaving. Why are you leaving? Why aren't you staying? Why leave Paris? Well, let's talk about Randy Bryce. How is the D triple seat treating Randy Bryce? He's going after speaker Paul Ryan's seat. Yeah. So the D triple C has made a decision long ago to not go after Paul Ryan. So when I say long ago, I mean about a decade ago. So they've never, they've never supported any Democrats who have run against him. They have in fact done quite the opposite. They have literally, quite literally sabotaged anyone who looked like they might be a, you know, trouble for Ryan. And they've been really bad that way. And they've protected him in a way that I can understand. And I said, you know, maybe Nancy Pelosi will put it in her memoirs one day after she's gone from Congress, but no one knows and no one understands. And because of that, none of the local legislators, because that's a very swing district. And that, you know, Obama won that district in 2008, fairly handily. And that district has been a district where Democrats have, in recent memory, have been the Congressperson, Les Aspen who became Clinton's the Secretary of Defense, that was his district, long-time district. So it's not like it's some, you know, deep red district that can never be won. It's a swing district. And there were lots of Democratic, Democrats in the state assembly from that district and in the state Senate. And those would be the natural people to oppose Ryan and to run. And yet, every time I would try to talk to them into running, they would always say no. And the reason they said no is because they couldn't get any support from the DCCC. The DCCC didn't want a candidate running against Ryan. And I finally learned my lesson. And we went out and we found someone with the help of Rob Zerban who had been a candidate against Ryan and with the help of a state senator named Chris Larson, who's a good friend of mine, the most progressive member of the state legislature in Wisconsin. And he and I have known each other for many, many years. He was, we're both involved with people for the American way. And then we found, they recommended to me that I speak with Randy Bryce, who is a, he's an iron worker, but also very active in union politics and the head of the AFL-CIOs outreach to veterans in the state of Wisconsin. And he was a Bernie surrogate in the primary and later worked for Hillary. And after Bernie, Bernie won in Wisconsin, but after Hillary won the nomination nationally, he said, we need to get her elected instead of Trump. So he seemed like the right kind of guy. I mean, everything that the Democrats cry about, about the white working class and how we need to win it back and everything, well, they decided they were not going to target any seats at all in Wisconsin. They wrote Wisconsin off for 2018 and we decided to shove it right up their ass. And we did with Randy. And two weeks ago when Randy announced, the day he announced that he was running, he had 7,000 Twitter followers that day. Last night, he went over 101,000 Twitter followers. Randy has now raised more money in, well, in his first 11 days, he raised more money from small online donors. So no big donors, all, no, obviously no PACs or anything like that, all just individual donors giving $20, $30. He has more of them than anyone in history running for Congress. So in 11 days. So he's caught on and now the DCCC is like freaking out and I don't know what's gonna happen. I mean, I'm not supposed to be talking about this, but I don't care. They had a meeting of the recruitment committee and the recruitment committee pretty much fell in love with Randy and his video. They didn't meet him, but they saw his video. One of the members who favors him played it for them and they loved it and they want, they want to throw away the old restrictions against running someone against Ryan and they wanna get behind Randy. So that is a really good sign. So now it's gonna be up to Pelosi. You know, she's the one that the orders have come from of hands off Ryan and if she can tell them no, and she may, and I don't know if she will or she won't, but if the DCCC doesn't get behind this campaign to get rid of Paul Ryan, it's because of Nancy Pelosi strictly and aggressively. Well, we've talked on this show about getting rid of Nancy Pelosi. I don't understand. We have. Yeah, and so you said before the show started that the alternative could be worse? No, not could be, would definitely be worse. So just a little tiny bit of history. So Nancy Pelosi, I believe, was a true progressive. She was my congresswoman in San Francisco when I lived there and she was all progressive, progressive, progressive and then she worked her way up to be, she was part of the Progressive Caucus. She was a founding member of the Progressive Caucus, which was Bernie Sanders up. Bernie Sanders started it. She was part of that. I think she may have become chairman of it at one point. After Bernie wasn't anymore. I'm not sure if she was chairman, but she was definitely a big player in the Progressive Caucus. And then she worked her way up to become the Democratic whip. So the Democratic leader, the minority leader was Dick Gephart, a conservative-ish Democrat or a union guy. So when I say conservative, he wasn't like a conservative the way Newt Gingrich was a conservative at the time, but he was definitely an establishment Democrat. And where the split came between them, right, she worked for him, remember? He was the leader, she was the whip and they worked together closely, but the split came over the authorization for the use of military force in Iraq. And when that came up, he wrote it with Bush, with George W. Bush and said he will deliver the Democratic Party to vote for it. And Nancy got one whip for that and she went crazy and she said, I'm not getting on board with that, I am against it. And she was able to rally a majority of Democrats against the war in Iraq. And so most Democrats voted against it. Gephart voted for it, who was the leader of the party at the time. And he had a substantial number of blue dogs and new Dems. So basically the Republican wing of the Democratic Party, they went with him, all of the progressives and plus the normal Democrats went with Nancy. So she beat him by quite a bit in that fight. And then that became obvious at that moment that he was never going to be the leader again. And that it was over for him. It didn't happen overnight, but that was the clarifying moment when it became obvious that she was the next leader and he was on his way out. He was never going to be speaker. And as it turned out, she became the first woman speaker of the historic figure. And he never got, that was his life's ambition was to be speaker and also another life ambition of his was to be president. And instead he's a lobbyist. He's a dirty filthy lobbyist. Really dirty filthy. I was really... Really dirty filthy lobbyist. Now I want to know something. Do you know any corporate lobbyists who aren't dirty and aren't filthy? Well, but Dick Gephardt, I just read is against single payer and is a lobbyist for health insurers. And he's a Democrat. Supposedly is a super delegate. He gets paid for his, to have an opinion. Are there no good lobbyists? I would think, don't they have lobbyists for the environment and for... I used a modifier, which was corporate lobbyist. So I said to you, do you know any corporate lobbyists who aren't dirty, who aren't filthy? And yes, they're all lobbyists who do God's work. And they lobby for the environment. They lobby for things that they believe in. But that isn't what Dick Gephardt is. Dick Gephardt is a lobbyist who lobbies for anybody who pays him to do anything. And the Democratic bench, you say, is weak. It's not that it's weak, it's very conservative. So Nancy felt because she was a, and she wasn't the only one who felt this, it was generally felt that because she was a progressive from the progressive caucus, they had to surround her with conservative Democrats in the leadership. So Steny Hoyer, who's a conservative Democrat, became the whip. So she was number one. He was number two. Jim Clyburn was number three. Also kind of conservative, not as much as Hoyer, but pretty conservative. So these are establishment people. And all of the others around them tended to be, so you wind up with a leadership that's pretty conservative. And then there's Nancy who has turned into, gradually turned into a conservative herself. That's what the problem is. So now that she's 300 years old and Hoyer is 400 years old and their time where they're gonna be leaders is coming to a close and who you turn to. Well, the next person in line after the ancient regime is Joe Crowley, who recently became the head of the Democratic House Caucus. So he's one of the most corrupt people who's ever served in the United States Congress. He's a Wall Street whore. He would have probably have gone to jail, but Nancy saved his life a number of years ago. He was caught taking bribes from Wall Street, delivering Democrats to Wall Street while he was and selling his vote, while he was on the Ways and Means Committee. You know, a real scumbag in every way imaginable. He's never had a race. He was given the seat. Literally, this guy, the head of the Democratic Machine in Queens County, New York, Richmond County, Queens County, New York didn't tell anyone he was retiring until the last second and then it was announced that he's retiring and that Joe Crowley is taking over and there was no time for anybody to challenge him. There's no chance of a Republican ever winning in a district like that. That's a solid blue district as you're gonna ever find. So this guy doesn't know anything about running for office. He doesn't understand that at all. And he's just an old-time hack political boss. He was then the chairman of the New Dems and just constantly making deals with Republicans and that's his career in Congress. And now he's in line to probably be the next Democratic leader and perhaps someday speaker. So that's pretty horrible. And so if they get rid of Nancy, people think, well, we should get rid of her. She's terrible. Well, okay, let's get rid of her. But just remember who you're putting in her place. Someone who's a trillion times worse than her. On her worst day, someone who's a trillion times worse than her. On his best day, and that's the problem. Does she deserve any credit? The alternative to him is Debbie Wasserman Schultz. You know, we've talked about her on, you know, and you know, people may think, you know, well, why can't Pramila Jayapal be the next leader? Yeah, I'm for that. But it's not the way it works in the house. People who get votes from the members of the house are people who have raised money for those members of the house. That's how you get votes. And who's giving them money? Pelosi gives them money. Hoyer gives them money. Clyburn gives them money. Crowley gives them money. Wasserman Schultz gives them money. They give them big money. And that's who they're gonna vote for. They're not gonna vote for someone like Pramila, who's got the only perfect record in the entire house of representatives. She's scored by progressive punch as a 100%. She's the only one. And I'd like to see her as the leader. She's got the chops to do it. She was the leader in the, she was one of the leaders of the Washington state legislature before she came to Congress. But it's not gonna happen. I'd like Ted Lew to be the head of the Democratic Party. It's gonna be, it's years before he's gonna be someone who's acceptable for a job like that to the other members. So the reality is really terrible. It should never be, let's just get rid of Nancy Pelosi. It should be, let's get rid of Nancy Pelosi and put someone better in her place. And the two things should be tied together. Not let's get rid of Nancy Pelosi and whatever happens, happens. Cause whatever happens could be a lot worse, a lot worse. Does she deserve any credit for me? Yes, much, there's a lot of good things. I'd like to see her go, her time is over. But she's done a lot, just a historic point of view. She's, we owe her a lot. She's been incredible. And you know, she's got a lot of, she's got her, she has had her chops down really well. She's an effective fighter against them. But you know, her day, her day has long passed. I mean, you know, it's, what is that called? Was it a label when the due date has come and it's time to say, oh, too bad I didn't meet that. It's time to throw it away. The expiration date. Yeah, her expiration date is done. I'm sorry, Nancy, if you're listening to this, but time to go honey. And she said that several years ago herself. She said her, you know, what people have told me on the inside is that she knows how bad Hoyer would be. Hoyer is again, a corporate whore. He's owned by K Street, the lobbyist firms. Every single bill that would come out, we'd go right through K Street and they would rewrite every one of them. And she doesn't want to see him become the leader. So, and he's older than her. And so she's hanging in there. She'd like to go, she's tired. She feels that she deserves to get out of that place. And she almost left. And, but she was talked out of it. Is Schumer doing a good job standing up to Trump, especially on the healthcare bill? I mean, it does feel like. I don't know. We're doing the whole row with, in Southampton this weekend with Jared Kushner and Ivanka and George Soros and Kellyanne Conway. They're all dancing around in a circle. At Mnuchin's wedding? Or we're... I don't know. Some rich person's house in the Hamptons. Go, Google it after we get off the phone, but it was all over the New York press this weekend. The Democrats are marching in lockstep though, right? Against Trump. They're no defectors. Yes, there are. Well, I mean, it depends what you mean by that. I mean, I don't consider someone who enables Neil Gorsuch to become a Supreme Court judge to be walking in lockstep against Trump. And we had three members of the three Democrats in the Senate vote for him. Malibow. Mnuchin was one of them. Heidi Heitkamp was another one. Joe Donnelly was another one. And how about Scott Pruitt? I mean, there are some people who think that Scott Pruitt is worse than Trump and the worst thing that ever happened to the American government, the head of the EPA now. And Mnuchin and Heidi Heitkamp both voted for him. And they're both up for reelection. And when you give money to the DSCC, you might be thinking that you're giving money to help Tammy Baldwin, but unless you're giving the money directly to Tammy Baldwin, you're not helping Tammy Baldwin. You're helping Joe Mnuchin. You're helping Heidi Heitkamp. If you want to reelect Tammy Baldwin, which you should want, she's wonderful, you should give money directly to Tammy Baldwin or to Sherrod Brown. But if you give money to the DSCC, if the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee, if they tell you, we got to save Sherrod Brown, we got to save Tammy Baldwin. They'll say that in their letters. And then the money goes directly into the coffers or into a campaign for Heidi Heitkamp, who can't raise her own money, can't raise grassroots money, and into the coffers of Mnuchin. Again, people like Tammy Baldwin can raise grassroots money because people appreciate what they do in the Senate. People like Heitkamp can't raise, they can only raise corporate money. They can't raise grassroots money because they vote with the Republicans. They voted for Scott Pruitt. They voted for Trump's Supreme Court nominee, Neil Gorsuch, who wants to give them money. So the DCCC takes your money and gives it to them. Howie Klein is the founder and treasurer of the Blue America PAC, which raises money for progressive candidates around the country. He also writes the Down with Charity blog. Glad you're back, we'll talk to you next week. Before we go, can I plug something? Sure. I'm gonna be doing a Reddit AMA, it's called an AMA means ask me anything. So I was invited by the Bernie for president Reddit, sub Reddit, and it's gonna be on Friday at 1 p.m. Pacific time. So I'll be answering any question anybody wants to throw at me. So I was thinking your listeners hear me babbling on and on all the time and they don't get a chance to ask me questions. And they could come to this sub Reddit on Friday, it's coming Friday and ask me any question they want and I have to answer it. Very good. And this Friday's drop, I will plug it again. Thank you. Thank you. I'll talk to you next week. Thank you. Bye David. Bye. Laura House joins us. It's week number seven, still hot and furious. We're in love. Yeah, yeah. Wait, who? Week seven. Yeah, I'm in, it's week seven of this relationship. It's going very well. You're in Hollywood and you're in love. In Hollywood, two unicorns found each other. It's wonderful. He's a trumpet player? Yes, he's a professional jazz trumpet player. He's about to go to Europe to tour with an orchestra in Amsterdam and London, which I'll, I say this because I'm bragging, it sounds very fancy. Then he's going to Ireland to meet an artist that he enjoys. So he's just going to meet him, which I find very deep and fancy. And then he's coming back and he's doing some shows in Las Vegas with Kevin Eubanks. So this dude's got it going on. And he plays with Anga Boingo. And he plays with Boingo Boingo. And he plays with your Anga Boingo. Oh, Kazoo. As much as possible. Seven weeks. Sometimes I'm like, more Oingo, less Boingo. If you know what I mean. And like, nobody really knows, but you just kind of try to figure out the context. Yeah, we, there was a fun thing that we did a couple of weeks ago where it was a work thing for him. And he was like, Hey, will you go with me to this work thing? This other musician's been inviting me and I don't really know what it is. I'm not gonna know anybody there. And I was like, yeah, yeah, of course. And then he sent me, he goes, here's the invite. And it was like a time with Deepak Chopra. And I was like, Hey, do you know who this is? And he was like, Oh, he's a writer, right? And I was like, Oh boy. So like, just to explain to someone who Deepak Chopra is. And I'm like, yes, he is a writer. Yes, he's written like 80 books, but he's, I don't know, he's this doctor meditation guy and on Oprah a lot. Do you know who Oprah is? Like then you're just like, what do you not know? I'm just breathing deeply whenever you say Deepak. Oh yeah, no, there you go. Yeah, his name has that effect of like, Oh, you know what? I didn't really hear the details because I was just like floating. Yeah. Yeah, so I went to this small party. It was like a CD listening party. I mean, there was live performances and Deepak Chopra led a guided meditation. And I got a picture with him, which I was embarrassed to do, but I was also like, if I as a, as literally a professional meditation teacher, poop, who's the opportunity to get a picture with Deepak Chopra? Mariel, dummy. Yeah. Was he nice? Yeah, he was nice, but it was also just kind of a, I think the people there, because it was music related, it was like Grammy voter related. And so my boyfriend still isn't sure why he was invited, but we had a nice time. He was like, I don't know why they, someone thinks I vote for the grant. I don't really know, but anyway, the guy who was behind it all was like, is a big fan of my boyfriend or whatever. So he invited him and it was great. And so yeah, it's like a new age album is coming out that Deepak sings on. Yeah. It's being produced by Biggie Smalls people. I'm thinking Tupac. Oh, right. Tupac Chopra. No, well, you know, Deepak, they've got West Coast, East Coast meditation. The gang signs are like, you know, when you have to hold your hand when you meditate. This is a better bit in person. I hear a West Coast meditation never stops. Yeah, yeah. No, there ain't no meditation like a West Coast meditation takes you all the way into the beyond. Yeah. So does he drink at parties, Deepak? I didn't see him drink, but also there wasn't, it wasn't a nighttime part. It was like a five to seven CD listening performance thing there was like a guy. I don't, there wasn't alcohol there. So I wouldn't know, but he, he can, he's allowed to drink. What, why are you, do you think he can't drink if he wants to? I'm just curious if you can get that in touch with the universe. Do you need alcohol? Maybe you just enjoy out. Maybe you just enjoy some wine or something. Do you ever meditate? I don't know why you're taking a stand on this. Do you ever meditate high? Do I? Yeah. Well, David, you just hit upon a whole new topic that I'm glad to talk about in eight, nine, in eight days, I'll be 10 years sober. Congratulations. Thanks. So no, I don't meditate high. I have, I guess we're early on, but um. We should mention that you are, you are one of the world's leading Metatata TM. Some things, meditators. Not TM, but I do meditate and teach meditation. I don't know that I'm one of the leading meditators. I heard you're one of the top meditators. No, I, people come from far and wide just to watch me meditate. Look at the technique the way she closes her eyes. And you have a podcast where you help people meditate. Yeah, I have a podcast called Will you med with me, which I like the name, but maybe it doesn't make sense, but maybe it will in a year or two. How often do you do it? You're like, Med, how often do I meditate or do the podcast? Both. I meditate every day, usually twice a day and the podcast I'm less disciplined about. I try to put out one a week, but I took like a little time off, but I put one out last week. So it behooves me to put another one out this week. It's hard to, how have you done it consistently for years? I'm a moron. Oh, okay. I have no pride. Oh, okay. I just hope people understand whoever's listening to me that like, hey, I don't know, I didn't. I just didn't do it. I just didn't do it sometimes. You don't have like a hard and fast deadline that you stick to? No, because I don't, there's nothing motivating it. Like there's- What about your listeners? Yeah, there are some people who listen to it, but I don't, I don't, I don't really, they're not really in touch with me. Like, you know, no one is like, hey, where's your podcast? Or like nobody, nobody, it doesn't seem to bother one if I make, bother it, bother anyone if I make it or if I don't. So I just kind of like- Do you ask people to communicate with you? I know we just, I teach comedians, usually comedians or writers, funny writers. No, I'm saying on your podcast you say, go to my website, hit the contact button. No, I hear what you're saying and now I guess, I know I don't do that, I guess I should. I do it, which is why you're on the show. People love you. Okay, so, but not you. I wouldn't otherwise be on the show. I do what my listeners tell me to do. Wow, all right. You hear that listeners? Tell them some weird stuff to do. So they may be pranking me, but you're one of our most requested guests. It's time to recommend Jello in the underwear. Do a whole show with Jello Butt. Hey, get a website for your podcast. I would assume you already do have a website for your podcast, right? I mean, I have larahouse.com and then it has all my stuff on it. Well, when you do your podcast, say, tell me what you like, tell me what you dislike. They will communicate with you and you will discover, unless you ask, your listeners aren't gonna tell you that they're listening to you. And this way, yeah, you have a dialogue with them and it's a perfect relationship because it's personal, but not too personal, you know? I like talking to my listeners. I really do. Do you ever hit on them? I don't wanna spoil the fantasy. They are convinced that I'm a 58-year-old man with hair transplants. Doing the show in a blue Oxford button down and baggy khakis from Brooks Brothers. Oh, I see. Freshly shaven except around the face. Oh, wait, but... I shave my legs for every podcast. Okay, that's nice. That's what the BBC used to do. The BBC had a long tradition. They would wear tuxedos when they stood in front of the microphone and they shave their legs. I think they remember that at Eaton. Okay. Were you intimidated by Deepak? Did you talk to him? Did you tell him that Europe, doing his thing, that whole Eastern philosophy? First, it's not his thing. It's been around. I mean, it's a thing he's made zillions of dollars promoting as well as other things, but it's not his thing. It's an ancient, the tradition predates language. It's an ancient Chinese secret, or is that right, Sarome? Kind of, I know that was a laundry. That was like all temperature. Oh. Okay. But in my Sarome, I guess there's a lot of secrets in everything. No, he wasn't intimidating at all, which was nice. I mean, to me... I teach intimidation, intense meditation. Okay. Intimidating meditation. Intimidation, where you tell the universe to go eff itself and threaten it. How does that work? Is that relaxing? He gets your juices going. Okay. Okay. So not relaxing. All right. No, that's fine. You were saying something about Deepak. No, he just seemed very regular. It's mostly like a guy like that is, at this point, I mean, I don't know if he put on more of a persona early on to kind of get, like America, Americans really respond to like, oh, this guy's important. And anything that's sort of like, if we put it in a spiritual context, then we, I think, mentally, culturally, associated with religion, which a lot of us were, like I was raised Episcopalian and, of course, there's Catholic where like, oh, you know... Is Episcopalian, is that like a real religion, or is that just a thing to get into a country club and keep everybody else out? Episcopalian? No, they would never, they don't belong to country clubs. They're like Lutheran, but Catholic-ish. It's like Catholic light, like it's not, that sounds like a Protestant thing, like what you just described. Is Episcopalian the closest we have to Anglican? Yes, it's Anglican. It's Anglican. I, one Episcopalian church I went to was called Anglican Catholic, which in college, once I got to college, I was like, that, you can't call it that. That doesn't make any sense. It would be the closest... It's the Church of England, it's the Church of the Queen of England. So it'd be the closest to Catholicism because it's Henry VIII's breakaway religion that... It's his, yes, I can get a divorce, religion. And the priests can have sex? Yeah, I mean, not in front of everybody. Like they're not like, look how open, but yes, they can be married and stuff. And is there an epidemic of altar boys being touched? Not that has been... Revealed. So there's not a scandal of priests touching little... No, there's not much excitement around Episcopalianism at all. So it was not a scandal, not a, hey, service starts at 10. How long of the services? You know, an hour, so I feel like Episcopalians know they can't get away with holding you in there for very long. Do they have confession? No, some of them might, mine didn't, because that was part of why I left. I was like 12 and I had seen confession and stuff on TV and I didn't realize that was just Catholic because it looks really similar to Episcopalian. So I asked the priests like, hey, can I do confession? I don't know what I had done that I felt really bad about, but something, I'm sure. And I was like, can I do confession? He said, oh, we don't really do that, but you can pray to Mary and have Jesus as the intercessor and take it to God. And I was like, what? Look, it seemed like a weird game. Sounds like going to the DMV. Yeah, it sounded like a weird game of telephone. I felt like. I'm sorry, you're on the wrong line. You wanna speak to Jesus. Why didn't you tell me that? You don't speak directly to Jesus. You fill out this form, then Mary gives it to Jesus and then he'll sort through and he'll pass on what he feels is important to God. Oh, the same God that you keep telling me in Sunday school loves me, blah, blah, blah. Well. I can't leave that due to message. So I became Baptist, but my point is in this. Did you become Baptist? I, yeah, I became Southern Baptist. Like I got real religious. How'd that happen? I was people at my school in junior high, like Cindy Jackson. She went, she went to the first Baptist church and I went to like, you know, they recruit people. Like that's part of the deal of like first Baptist church is like, if you don't believe exactly this, you go to hell. Like if you don't believe precisely this and Jesus as your savior and you specifically invite Jesus into your heart, you will burn forever in a literal fiery hell. I like that. I do. It's very clear. They're not like, well, Methodist, that's basically the say or whatever. I didn't even know how they feel about Methodist, but they're like, no, no, this is, this is the one thing. And, but they also have that like, Jesus is your friend, like Jesus is everywhere and you talk to Jesus all day and I like that. Does it make for obedient family members? Yeah, cause it's the fire and brimstone kind of stuff. I like that. I think I would have been a happier man. I liked it. I liked it in junior high. Like that was my rebell, cause my parents were like, what are you doing? Cause they drink and stuff. They were like, this is crazy, but I don't know, you find your way through life somehow and that I, that's what I really, I liked. And then, but it was also very social. Like they had like a gym and like they had Wednesday night church and youth group stuff and you went on mission trips and inquire trips and, you know, so it was a very like youth active thing. So I, that I'm sure appealed to me as well. But they were homophobic. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I didn't know what that was until I went to college. I didn't know what anything was until I went to college. And they made you feel guilty about sex? Well, you weren't to have sex before you were married. And were you allowed to have sex for enjoyment after you were married? Yeah. Yeah, there was actually like, they did a youth group, you know, sex talk one day or whatever in this married couple. They were like, this is totally to be enjoyed for married people, just not outside of marriage, not before marriage. And it's not safe to do that. And it's not safe for your soul because the idea is that when you make love with a person, your souls unite forever. So you can't just do that with a lot of people. Like what a mess, what a mess that'll be in heaven. Does any of that make sense? How do you explain? To people in the 21st century that there's a reason they teach that? Yeah, well, I mean, I think it makes sense, like lots of beliefs of like, you know, you believe this one thing and then little by little you accept the details, you know. Well, let's talk about sex. Oh, okay, sure. Everybody thinks sex isn't that important until it's time to have it. Oh, right? Do people not think it's important? I mean... In this country, it's like, what's the big deal? It's just sex. Come on, lighten up, lighten up. And then when it comes time to actually get naked and have the sex, there's a pamphlet that you have to read and you have to go out over the manual and make sure you understand all the parts. Who are you dating? A Ford Fiesta. A Ford Fiesta. A Ford Fiesta. Was it... I can't even, I can't even pull up this joke. Was it Thomas Moore who made the pamphlets to talk about who was the economist? Oh, Luther. Martin Luther, I hear, where are we going with this? I'll come back in an inappropriate amount of time with... Pamphlets? Oh, Thomas Paine. Yes, Thomas Paine, see there. What are you dating, Thomas Paine? See, that would have been... But I was like, Thomas Moore and the... I didn't pull it off. I'm sorry, everybody. Yeah. Don't tell David you hate me. These are the bits that try men's souls. So there's a pamphlet and you have to know the... Okay, so what's your point with we act like sexes is a big deal, but you're saying it's very hard and you can't do it? Well, if it's hard, I can do it. Hey, oh. We'll be right back. But you're saying sex is too difficult and you're not any good at it. No, I'm saying that everybody in America, in America, America has this... It's just sex. It's just sex. But it's not just sex. I feel like everyone in America, on the surface at least, freaks out about sex. No, it's the other way around. But we've been attacked a lot in different ways. I feel like it's in Europe that they're like it's... What are you so weird about or whatever? Right, I think the Europeans have sex. I think they're like bonobo monkeys. And I think in the United States, all we do is talk about sex. We're obsessed with sex. We like to pretend it's not that important. But the minute it turns to sex, it gets important. Suddenly the relationship takes on a new meaning. Oh, I see what you're saying. Like, you don't look at other people now, we've had sex. That's sort of like, I've had sex with you, so now I'm gonna, I can make a lot of rules. Is that the idea that you're... Maybe. Are you in that area? Are you in that area? Are you in that area? Is that you? Are you in the area of pants? I'm not talking about your current relationship. Yeah, no, yeah, I get in that area. Sure. I have a theory that... Because my last relationship, he never really committed, I mean, you kind of have to, ideally you establish all that before you have sex with them and if you can't trust them enough that like, hey, this person is with you, then don't have sex with them and don't date them anymore. But no, my last, it was very trying because it was like, he always seemed, he was very flirty and sort of things with other people. That's not good. Yeah, and I felt like, yeah. And then you just, it's bad, it's a bad feeling. Flirting with other women, like I completely shut down my flirt machine and then I quit drinking. Oh yeah. So I have no game with women whatsoever. Cause if you're not drinking and you're not by nature a flirt, it's... But you're funny, so that's a great amount of game. I'll tell you this because my current guy would describe himself similarly. He can drink, but he doesn't drink a lot, but he would describe himself as like, I don't have any game. He would be like on dates like, this is as much game as I have, I don't really. But like he was just charming by being nice and then he's funny, you're fine. I don't like to do the Catherine Hepburn, Spencer Tracy back and forth. What do you just want to hit somebody with a club over the head and go do it? Well, that is doing it for me. What? That's, I'm done. What do you, so you don't like banter? I like laughing, but you know, I don't know. I don't want to do the word play. Okay. Just feels unnecessary. Do you date? Maybe. All right. I don't know. I was going to make a bet. I can't, you know what? I'm too old to, no I can't. I call it dating. Oh. I could, I'm not going to go there. I could say. She calls it customer who stands in line too long at Starbucks talking to me. I was going to go with, she calls it customer. Period. Yeah. Well, we went to the same. Oh, customer. Oh, hookers. I see. Well, maybe. No. I had you a customer at Starbucks, which is less gross. Is it? I don't know anymore. Or is it? I don't know. So stupid. Casual sex. This is my theory about casual sex. There is such thing as casual sex, but not for both people. Oh, somebody inevitably likes the other one? Yeah. Oh, I think there's casual sex for, you know what, here's, I have a question that let's get into this topic. Neither of us know anything about it. I don't know anyone who engages in casual sex or claims to enjoy it, who isn't kind of an emotionally broken person. Boys and girls. No girls. I guess there are some, I think of some boys. I know some comedian boys who have like come to some kind of terms with, you know, they have sex. Sometimes it's no big deal. But for the most part, it's sort of broken boys and girls who are like, no, no, it's like, like almost like, no, no, it's fine. Like almost like, honestly, on my deepest level, I've decided I'll never really fall in love with someone. So I, you know, but I'm not a monkey either. So I'm just gonna, I'm, you know, I have sex with people. Like no big deal. But really. You don't think you can fall in love with somebody. But really it hurts. No, no, I do. I'm saying that casual sex havers. And when I have looked for that or done it, that was where I was coming from was like, you know, on the surface, it was like, yeah, who cares? It's just sex, whatever. But deep down it was, I don't think anybody's really gonna love me anyway. Like I don't think I'm gonna get that. Like some great relationship. So I might as well do this. Does that make sense? Yeah, I'm just. That who's having casual sex or do you think there are people who are like, look, I love myself. I like myself. One day I'll have a relationship. I'm not interested in that now. And sometimes I'm attracted to people and we have sex and everything's fine. I don't know. I'm just trying to figure out how to wedge in a auto-erotic asphyxiation reference. I think I have one. I hate when I'm wearing suspenders and a woman has to have casual sex with me and I'm gonna, I don't have a belt to wrap around my neck. All right. Well, it was pretty good, Dave. But do you think that it's just broken people having casual sex? Well, I get into trouble with women because there is a theory that I've heard from men, professors who claim that women who, well, it's been disproven, but there's this guy who I had on the show who says that women who jump from bed to bed tend not to have orgasms and they're working out some kind of issue that has nothing to do with pleasure. That's what I was told. And then I've been told by women, we like going from bed to bed and having sex with strangers. I am staying out of it. I don't wanna get into trouble. So what? I guess the truth, David, is that different people have sex for different reasons. But all women are the same, right? They're fine, some sleeping. No, no, all women are the same. Right? No, for sure. No, I, yeah, I mean, I get, I just, as much as I've, because I was a young person and the Sex and the City show was telling us we should be good at sex and we should get to have it and everything's fine. And sex in the city should be good at writing jokes. They build entire scenes based on a pun. Yeah, no, that's for sure. But yeah, so I was like, yeah, I wanna be like that, but I don't know. I guess I just know for me personally, I'm not really made that, I wanted to be like that. It seemed cool. Do you think all men are the same? No, God, no, no. Ask me a question about men. I can answer any question about men. I don't have any questions about men. Do you think gay men have to read books about picking up other men? Is there a guide to picking up men for men? I don't think there is. I don't know. I'd have to ask my gay friends. Do you think there's ever been a, and this is a terrible sweeping generalization. Do you think there's ever been a gay man who has said, I have no game? Yeah. Really? Yeah, I think there are insecure gay men and shy gay men. And yeah, I don't think every gay man is like, you know, oh, I love music that sounds like, do do do do do do do do. Like, I don't think they're all the same. Like, love the gym and you know, whatever. Yeah. In fact, a gay friend of mine said to me recently, he was like, I want a boyfriend, but I'm like, I don't feel great about my body right now. So I don't know, I'm just a little lonely or whatever. Like, that's not in your stereotype. Hmm, interesting. And I think there's also straight men who, so is your idea kind of like men just want to have sex and if someone, if a woman approaches them to have sex, they're like gonna go for it. Is that what you were going for? I don't know. I'm just throwing, I'm afraid to say anything. All right, well, forget it. I don't know, I was watching. I was- This is a bad topic if it's the one thing you're afraid to say something about. No, I just went to the gay pride march in my shorty shorts and my tank top. Yeah. And I was looking. Did you have a rainbow painted on your chest? Because that would be- Yes. Okay. Yes, obviously. And a pot of gold, okay. So I'm looking at everybody and they're pretty happy and they're fun. Sure. And they're sexual. I guess that's not every gay person. No, it's not. But the preponderance of people marching are strutting their stuff. And I was just wondering, I doubt there are any books for gay men on how to pick up guys. I don't think they have a problem, but that's prejudicial and that's based on a stereotype that gay men are hyper sexed, which is not true. Maybe a stereotype, but that may just be based on a fantasy of like, you know, we can kind of fantasize like, oh, like life is easy for other people. Like I always had like, you know, oh, beautiful women, they don't have these problems. You know, like beautiful women are like dumped all the time or used or whatever else, but like as a normal looking, let's say woman, you can be like, oh, but if you're really beautiful, it's easier or like, oh, if you're richer, then life is easier or whatever. So I think it's almost like magical thinking that like, well, gay guys, you know, it's hard for straight guys to get said it wasn't easy for gay guys. I just think like, that's probably not entirely true. Well, actually. But let's hear it from our callers. We'll take caller 10. I would think before the parades, it must have been impossible for gay men to flirt for fear of being hurt. Yeah, I mean, there's movies about that. Yeah. I think that explains the celebration and why some of them are so flamboyant. Yeah, no, for sure, because they were told to be quiet for so long and you couldn't, that yes, it comes out very loud now. But also, you know, like you're looking at. Can I just speak to that for a second? Because it's your show. Unfortunately, I wish it was. I know everybody listening remembers when you used to host this thing. Yeah. Remember when it was me and Jerry Stahl? Good times. Good times. I would think if it's the 1950s, you're gay and you see a guy, he's conflicted and there's some kind of flirtation going on. I would say 90% of the time, one of the two chickens out and says, what are you looking at? What, what, what did you? And then there's a punch through. Right, I would think that happened a lot. Sure, yeah. I would think, yeah, I would think there's a lot of confusing. And I think that is why there's this flamboyance. So there's no doubt. It's like, I am gay. I am gay. I am gay. Come on to me. I'm going to come on to you. Let's be upfront here. So there's no bait and switch here. I think that's why there's a tendency to flaunt now. Sure, I get that. But I am, I cannot wait for the listener of yours who takes the sound bite. I am gay. I am gay. I am gay that you just gave us and makes it their ringtone. That's what I'm most excited about in my life right now. I wish there was conversion therapy to turn men gay because I would take it. I would take it. That's a fun, see, that's how you're a comedy writer. That's a fun sketch. Well, I'm being serious here. I think my life would be easier right now. But I know, but I think a lot of people would feel that way also. It's very funny of like, yeah, I'd rather have that life. That looks like fun. Well, I understand men, even gay men I understand. Women I don't, I cannot figure out. Well, why don't you treat each of us as individuals and just try to figure out one that you like a lot? You mean treat a woman like a human being? Yeah. That would be like treating my cat like a dog. Okay, you know what? Well, that just makes no sense. I don't think we're, I don't think men and women are, I don't think we're the same type of human being. Well, do you? I mean, everybody wants to be loved. So after that, it's just details, right? Yeah, but I think that men and women are profoundly different. Don't you? Profoundly, I mean, I don't know. I feel like there's so many types of people that I feel like if you're... All right, let me ask you a question. If you're heterosexual, like as a heterosexual woman, I need to find a heterosexual man that like makes a match with me in a way that feels good to both of us. And I feel like if you're a homosexual woman, you find a homosexual woman who is a match with you. And some aren't and some are. And you know what I mean? Let me ask you a question. Let me ask you a question. All right. Have you ever fantasized in LA traffic, you see a handsome guy with a beautiful date and a BMW and he honks his horn and he smiles at his girlfriend and he's got the chiclet white teeth and the tan and the full head of hair. And he doesn't even realize that he honked his horn at you. Have you ever fantasized about getting out of your car, dragging him out of his car and with your fists pummeling his pretty face as his girlfriend watches and he's totally humiliated and she loses all respect for him and he can no longer get it up for her and they break up and for the rest of his life, he remembers that moment when I got out of the car and beat him to a bloody pulp in front of his beautiful girlfriend and he learned a lesson never to honk his horn again. Have you ever fantasized about that? Partway, I feel like you fantasized like a pretty good movie outline. No, that's the difference between men and women. The more detailed screenplays. Women don't fantasize about beating up a good looking guy in front of the good looking guy's girlfriend. But wouldn't our version be, we would fantasize about if we're heterosexual, beating up a good looking woman? No, you don't do that. Wouldn't that be my fantasy to be like, I'm just, I'm gonna beat the crap out of Blondie, right? But you don't have that fantasy. Because women have that a lot. No, they don't. Yeah, they do. Women don't really visualize beating up somebody. Yeah, we do. Where you start salivating? No, we're not, we're not dogs, David. But yeah, I think women have violent feel that, yeah. Not all the time. Let's take color 10. Not all the time the way men do. Okay, then not all the time. I mean, yet there is a testosterone difference between the two genders. Do you enjoy watching mixed martial arts? Do you enjoy watching boxing? No. And so most of the women who come... But I also don't enjoy watching real housewives or other stuff that you might go, women watch this. I think most of the women... Or it's like the bachelor. Like I don't watch the bachelor, but like that's something you would stereotypically say, well, women watch that. Also, that's kind of a woman's version of fighting. Actually, now that we're on the topic is, he's not gonna like her because she's a this or that guy's a bit like, it's sort of like emotional with relationshipy things or like where women sort of fight more. Does that make sense to you? Yeah, I think women can figure out ways to hurt each other that men don't even realize that something's been hurt. It would be more of like, if you wanted to get back at a girl, I want to have her ex call her on her the night before her wedding and beg her to come back. And so she calls off the wedding and then when she gets to her ex, he's like, not really. I'm like, that would be like, that would be the female version of like, what you were talking about. I'm like just beating a guy up. We're like, no, no, I want the deepest pain. I want it to hit her at her core and she'll never forget and she'll basically never smile again. That's what I want to do. Yeah, see, I don't understand that. Do women... It's more satisfying. Do women that? Because I... Because Bruce is healed. Because David Bruce is healed. So if you beat up a guy, like his beautiful face is gonna grow back. Yeah. But if you destroy someone at their emotional core. What? Let me ask you about women. Okay. How many do you want and how much money do you have? Do you have close female friends? Yes, a bunch. Seriously? Yes. And do you get on the phone while your boyfriend is sitting there and do you have a competition talking to your girlfriend to see who could bore... Who could be the most boring of the two? I have a theory. I have a theory that... What are you talking about? I think women have conversations in front of their spouses or their boyfriends to see who can outbore the other. Okay, that's not what they're doing. They're talking and you go, there's no way they could possibly be having this conversation, but for the reason of boring each other to death. This is hostility. This conversation. Or... So you're finding what they're saying boring, right? That's what's happening here. Why is your girlfriend on the phone while you're there? Why isn't she enjoying you? Well, there you go. That's not a good girlfriend. So to me, anything after that, she's not a great girlfriend. Do women have to give a play-by-play of a relationship to their female friends? Yes. Really? Yes, yes. A couple of reasons. One, I would say, I'm going out on a limb on all of this. I have not consulted other women, but when I talk to women about my relationship, and sometimes it's a... I mean, I just have very close friends. It's like, this is good, right? It's like, maybe I don't totally trust my... Cause your friends know if you're in a good relationship or not a good relationship. And it's also... So then you have to tell all your secrets to them. I tell a lot of things to some friends. And it's also... So if things take a turn, like let's say in three months, it's like we hit a rough spot, and this or that happened, I'm not just going, hey, I've never told you this, but I've been dating someone for three months. And it was really good until the bubble. It's like, so I'm current with someone. And for one, you're sharing what's going on in your life. Another, hey, things are going well. I'm sharing this thing that's good. And then my friends are happy for me. Oh, I'm so glad you're with someone who appreciates you because I know you... That wasn't the case for so long. Hang on. A, do you feel you're violating his privacy? No, it's my relationship. And discussing it with your friends. And B, do you really think they want your relationship to succeed especially if they're not in one? Yes, my friends do. Look, there are... I feel like you're talking about the shallow example of humanity. And you're saying men are like this and women are like that. But there are lots of people who are really loving people and really good friends and who actually want something good to happen for their friends. We're not talking about the gray areas. We're not talking about people on the margins. We're talking about real human beings. Do you think... So a good, someone, a loving person is on the margins. Oh yeah, in this country, yes. Okay, all right. Then I can't pull from my... All right, let me... Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. You have a female friend. And you're talking about your relationship. If she is not in a relationship, how can you be 100% certain that she really cares whether or not your relationship succeeds? Don't you think it has to be filtered through her jealousy, her resentment that you're having relations and somebody loves you? Don't you think she hates you and wants to sabotage your relationship because she's gonna lose you to him? No, but I'm trying to think like a shitty person. Because, yes, if she's a shitty, if she's a shitty person and I'm a shitty person and that's why we're friends mostly, then yes, I can see how if I'm like, oh my God, I'm dating the greatest guy, he's an Oingo Boingo, she would be like, oh, that's great for you and I wish I were dead. I think it's... Was it the... I don't know if I forgot the whatels, the gentleman who passed away, who invented the humble brag? I think... Yeah, yeah, Harris Whittles, yeah. I think when women are talking to their girlfriends about their boyfriends, it's a humble brag in that, oh well, last night he wanted to have steak and I wanted to have lobster so we went to Ruth Chris' steakhouse and they were all out of lobster and I said, well, we can go someplace else and he said, let's stay here and I thought, well, he doesn't really care about my needs and... But what you're really saying to your friend is not that he ate steak when you couldn't eat your lobster, you're really saying, isn't my life great and you're all alone watching, dancing with the stars by yourself, eating Haagen-Dazs over the sink. You pathetic loser, I have a boyfriend. Isn't that what it's all about? Yeah, you're right, David. That's totally what it's... When a girl is talking... I guess it is for a lot of people. Huh? I guess, I mean, I guess it is for a lot of people. I don't know. It seems like such a waste of life. When you talk to your girlfriends about your boyfriend, it's kind of like complaining about your Maserati always needing to go into the shop. Yeah. I will admit on my shittier side, I think with my last boyfriend, I was so impressed by him. I did... I was excited to tell people about... He was shiny, impressive to me. And then with this one, I feel more like, oh my God, this is this. I mean, it is neat what he does and I respect it, but I'm just like, oh, I feel really good with this guy. I don't really care what anyone thinks. But if you're intimate with somebody, shouldn't he or she trust that it's between the two of us? I don't know. I'm a professional storyteller, so I nothing I do is ever going to be off limits for me to talk about if I feel like talking about it. You have a girlfriend or a boyfriend and they tell you something, how they feel about you. Yeah. For example, as you know, I like to tie a belt around my neck. Yeah, yeah. To heighten my bowel movements. It has nothing to do with sex. And I share that with you, right? Do I have to worry that you're going to go run to your girlfriends and say, hey, is this normal? I'm dating this really nice guy, David Feldman. And when he has to go to the bathroom, he borrows my belt so he can wrap it around his neck to heighten his bowel movements. He says it's better if he's getting less oxygen to the brain. It's a healthier BM. Would you would you tell that to your friends and ask them if that's normal? Yes, a hundred percent. And then suppose I told you it's normal. Can't you take my word for it that it's normal? No, no, no, no. Anyone who would get that information from you and just go, I mean, look, here's your unicorn is you find a woman who goes, oh, my God, I do that too. Then you found your girl. Otherwise, literally everyone else is going to tell somebody. And I can tell you what that their response is going to be. So it's kind of like being that gay man in the 50s. You have to live a quiet life and not discuss what you need with other people because it's going to. You're an open book. Everybody talks about everybody else, right? Um, I guess that's a way to think about it. I just think of it as like to me, things I tell my best friend, like it's it's not like I'm. Betraying a confidence. It's like I share my life with my friends, so I'm not, you know, like there's a level of telling people things that's gossip and then there's a level that's like, yeah, I'm, you know, I'm confiding in you or I'm, you know, looking for support or whatever. Maybe this is why we need to bring confession to the Episcopalians. I think if you were able to confess, you wouldn't need to go running to your girlfriends. Yeah, maybe that was it. Maybe that was it. Why do they have confession? Is it is it so people get things off their chest? Privately, I think in the Catholic Church, there's confession because literally you you have to confess your sins to like be forgiven. Otherwise, you're not forgiven if you don't officially confess your sins. But it's also release, right? Yeah, because they also you're not allowed to do that in there. What I find if they also give you penance of like, you know, say these prayers and et cetera, and then you'll be forgiven. Hmm. Well, this has been very interesting. I didn't think we would have anything to talk about. And we didn't get to what I really wanted to discuss. Which is what? I forgot. Oh, boy. What were you going to do? We're going to talk about something. Stephen Hawking says Trump is murdering the earth. But what does he know? Yeah, he what does he know about the earth? He's a big picture guy. He's all about the universe. But yeah, he doesn't know anything about specifics. Yeah. Is it Trump who's murdering the earth? You know that as part of pulling out of the climate accord and that sort of thing. Yeah. That you know, the other like I love that the big businesses are like, what? The earth is huge. Who? That is so arrogant to think we're hurting earth. Such a weird. Anyway, it's pretty scary. Isn't it? What are you doing for July 4th? Today is July 4th. Do you feel free? Yeah, I feel free. I mean, it's still a great country, even though there's so much wrong with it right right now, particularly and many things overall. But I feel pretty free of I am going to my I'm I'm such a girl right now. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But my boyfriend, his quartet plays jazz at a rooftop restaurant in downtown L.A. every Tuesday. And it happens to fall on July 4th. So I'm going to that with a friend. OK, Emma Stone. Yeah, it's it's the middle part of La La Land. That's where I'm at right now. And when you get into a traffic jam, does everybody break out into song? I hope so. Probably on the way down there. Yeah, we'll be like. I love that movie that I catch it. I love that movie. I do. Oh, good. Then you're not dead insane. I didn't say that. Somehow it made its way through. Now, I am fried. But I have to keep going. Does meditation unfri the brain? Over time, it does. And in the immediate, it is a respite. It's a recharge. It's sort of the simplest visual sort of way to think of it. If you take like a a jar, a clear jar of water and you put some dirt in it and you shake it up, it's dirty, muddy water. And then you just set it down. And after a few minutes, like it's clear, basically, that because the dirt is settled. That's in a very cosmetic sense. That's sort of what you're doing when you meditate is like you're still you're getting still and your mind calms, which gives clarity. It gives rest. It gives recharge. Yeah, I can't stop. That's the problem. You can. Well, I wanted to this week. I was going to take this week off. I could stop you. Yeah, you could do it because you're just doing it for like three minutes at a time, five minutes at a time. Like, what do you what do you spend in the bathroom every day? Like 20, 30 minutes, like you you have that time. What? Huh? So, yeah, you can you can take the time to meditate and it's and you know, all your everything you're mad about is still going to be there. I'm just trying to visualize you and I married. Oh, God. And I go, hey, I have to go to the bathroom. Where's my belt? And your eyes roll and you go, I got to get out of this. I can't say I hung it. First of all, I would have, if you've ever asked me that before, I would have just started hanging it where I hang the towels. That's disgusting. Like it's where the towels are. Why you put it around your neck? I don't want my belt. I don't want my belt in the bathroom where all the germs are. That's the same reason I don't leave my toothbrush in the bathroom. That's on that's unreasonable. That would be that would be the weirdest part of your belt thing to me. If I'm going to wrap a belt around my neck while I'm doing a B.M. I want the belt to be clean. I don't want to sitting in a bathroom where strangers have been. Then I would say who what strangers are going into your bathroom. I would do this at a Greyhound station. OK, then that's you're being so unreasonable, David. You know, when we got your your belt is wrapped in the ziplock bag. It's put in the leather duffel like it always is. I explained to you and your and you know how the directions the Greyhound bus station when we got married. I had one caveat that I'm a normal Christian, white, heterosexual male. However, the only way I can relieve myself is a Greyhound bus station during rush hour. That was and you accepted that I explained that to you. It's something happened to me when I was when I was growing up. I remember. We had a Greyhound, a dog, a Greyhound who. Once rubbed my nose in his own feast. OK. Oh, go ahead, you get the last word. You're disgusting. How do people reach you, Laura House? That was Twitter. I'm Laura House. Yes. And are you on Facebook? Are you on Facebook? Yeah, I'm on Facebook. But who Twitter is more interesting for this sort of thing. And I have a monthly show at the Hollywood Improv called How to Hate Yourself. If you live in LA, come come see it. We're doing one this Saturday at seven with Dana Gould. Wow. How to hate yourself with Dana Gould. I couldn't listen for hours. And where is this at seven o'clock on Saturday? The Improv. That's a great show. Yeah. That's a great show. Wow. Stay on the line for one second. All right. If you're enjoying today's show, please share it on Facebook, Twitter, StumbleUpon, Dig, Reddit, copy and paste the link to this show and share it with all your friends via email. Spread the laughs, spread the knowledge, spread the love. Larry Bubbles Brown holds the record for longest gap between Letterman appearances. I believe it's 22 years. He's 21. 21. I'm sorry. He's starring in two movies, three still standing, which is streaming on Amazon right now. It's a documentary about comedy in San Francisco. His latest movie is Hey Monster Hands Off My City. This Fellini inspired comedy film directed by Michael Meehan features a large comic cast and stars San Francisco comedians Johnny Steele, Reggie Steele, as SFPD homicide detectives who find half eaten bodies turning up all over San Francisco. Welcome back to the show, Larry Bubbles Brown. Big, big acting career. You got to make changes in life, right? As we approach our eighties, I am looking forward to a big acting career. Well, you were picked by several directors. I was picked by Kagan Cohen, Parker and Birdie. When were you picked to be in Birdie? How many years ago was that? That was 84. That was. God, that was unbelievable. When that movie runs, they just have a close up of me. I don't have any lines or anything, but every time that movie runs, I get called. Were you in Birdie? What movies have you been in? I've been in the Kite Runner, picked by Mark Forrester, who's kind of a big director. Yeah. I had three lines in that. And that's it. Really? Kite Runner, Birdie. Robin didn't put you in any movies? No. Son of a bitch. Yeah, let's spill a dirt on that guy. Dana didn't put you in any movies? Dana is not in movies anymore, I know. Your friends never put you in movies, you know that. They can't. Why not? Because they don't even have the directors and casting people do that. They don't want to get involved in fighting over a little bit part in a movie. And what good is having a movie, being in a movie? If you can't wave it in front of your friends, have them smell it and then deny it to them. Right? Look at the back end I got on this one. Let's talk about Three Still Standing. It's directed by Robert Campos and Tim Didion. It started out as a series of interviews with David Feldman back in 2010 about comedy. See, this is the part I'm missing. I knew you were originally going to be in it. This is the story of my life. I was going to be in a movie, a documentary about San Francisco comedy. And they filmed me. I was working a club in San Francisco. And then I started introducing them to all these other comics. And suddenly I end up on the cutting. They said, we like these guys better. Am I even in the movie? You are. I think there's a still picture of you. Really? I cannot get in a documentary. You know Eddie Pepitone? I'm not saying I'm responsible for Eddie's career. I have nothing to do with Eddie's career. But I was one of the first people to exploit him and use him and ring him dry. I was one of the first people to say, hey, this guy is really funny. I should try to build my career off his sweat. Now he doesn't return your call. Well, yeah. They did a documentary called The Bitter Buddha about him. That's right, yeah. And they filmed all over my radio show at KPFK. I fed the director. And I opened up my heart and I brought in all these people. They filmed, filmed, filmed all the sketches we're doing. My interviews with Eddie completely cut out of the documentary. He didn't make the final cut. He didn't make the final cut. Tim Diddy and Robert Campos, they start filming me. We had some tough decisions. What? We had some tough decisions. He didn't make the final cut. It's pretty amazing the number of documentaries Gilbert Gottfried. I traveled all over the city with Gilbert in a cab. We were laughing hysterically. They're filming everything, oh, good. This is good. I'm opening up. I'm crying in front of the camera. I'm talking about how important Manhattan is to me. This will get into the documentary. I made up some stories about health issues and mental illness. I'm in the Gilbert stock. Nothing. Nobody's interested in me. It's been a cruel life and a cruel kick in our ass, I think. I can't get in a documentary. I think I've shot 10 documentaries in the past five years. Nothing. I couldn't even get in a documentary about David Feldman. But you, people see Larry Bubbles Brown, they instantly walk up to you and say, you'd be great in my movie, you'd be great on my television show. The number of people who've walked up to you, I've been standing next to you. And people from the Tonight Show, from Letterman, from Movies, walk up to you and say, hey, give me your phone number. I think you'd be great in this project. And then of course, And nothing ever happened. You were there the comedy day 84 when TV was big and the guy from the Tonight Show came up to me. Jim McCauley. Jim McCauley, the late Jim McCauley. Yes. You'd be great. We get our hopes up. It's like the beautiful woman that smiles at us and then we find out she's a hooker. And a man. You know Louis Katch? Louis, no. Great comic. You've got this great joke. You said Mark Twain said the hottest woman I ever fucked was a man in San Francisco. Oh, but you know, okay, first of all, that's so funny on so many levels. And I realize, first of all, I realize Twain didn't say that. It's a play on the hottest. What was it, the coldest winter I ever spent? With a summer in San Francisco. You've got to know that line first. Who would get that? I didn't even get that. I didn't think about that. Who's Louis Katch? Louis, he's been around for a while. He's a very funny comic. I met him like 50. He used to book a one-nighter in Berkeley. Now he's back in New York. He's great at working. I think he works with a towel a lot. I'll have to check him out. What's happened to the San Francisco scene? Let's talk about three still standing because it features Johnny Steele and Will Durst. It's about... An 8x10 of you. There's an 8x10 of me. Yes. And it's actually going to be on KQED Friday or something. KQED, the local PBS station. Right. Oh, we've had a love affair with that PBS affiliate, haven't we? So close to comedy tonight. Oh, I did comedy tonight. You did it, yeah, with Whoopie. With Whoopie Gold. You loved her. Yeah. She's going to put you in movies. Uh-huh. I kept calling. She gave me her number. She loved me. And she said, here's my number. And I kept calling and nothing ever happened. She was going to get me into... I know what it was. We can't mention names, okay? Mm-hmm. We cannot mention names because I don't want to get anybody in trouble. And this was years ago. This was the late 80s. 88. 88. So I do comedy tonight on PBS, which was a big thing back then, right? TV was big. And yeah, it was big. We all loved it. It was a locally produced comedy show. By Frank Zamacona. Frank, the great Frank Zamacona. They had replaced a friend of ours as hosts. They decided to go big. It was locally produced, but they decided Whoopie Goldberg should host it instead of our friend. Mm-hmm. And our friend said to me, don't do it. They fired me. And I said, the only reason I was asked to do it is to rub it in your face. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. There are a million comics in San Francisco. I'm just starting out. I'm not going to mention the guy's name. He said, well, I want you to be loyal to me. And I said, loyalty, of course. But this is an opportunity for me to be on a national comedy show hosted by Whoopie Goldberg. And he kept saying, don't do it. Be loyal to me. But I did it. Was I disloyal? You got to take the opportunity. They fired me. Right. And I'm gaining from that because they hate you so much they want to take your prodigy and put them on the show. Firing you is not enough. Who's your best friend? Don't you think that's why they asked me? Can we put your ex-wife on? I was convinced that the only reason they asked me on that show was to get even with them. Anyway, so that's not the story. The story is Whoopie kind of thought I was funny. And like six months later, I get a call from comedy relief. She wants me to do comic relief. And they need a tape. So I had a local... Don't mention names. I had a local... Do you remember this? No. So this was Mayberry. We were Mayberry. So HBO calls and says, we're considering you for comic relief. Whoopie Goldberg thinks you're hysterical. Can you send us a tape? You know, Mr. Professional. Well, I'll have to go through my manager. My local manager in San Francisco. And it wasn't Amy Glenn who I love. It wasn't Amy Glenn. So my manager sends a tape of all her clients. One of whom was a male stripper who had just appeared on Love Connection. So his tape, his promo tape for... What do we call it? Comedy relief was him stripping and then being on Love Connection. I know who you mean. Yeah, and I didn't get comic relief. Luckily, there's still a homeless problem so fingers crossed. Well, you know, you always had... San Francisco always had big time agents and people floating around here. I'm surprised they made that kind of an error. It was just... God, Effing Mayberry here. Jesus. I was thinking, well, HBO will be impressed that I have a manager. Close as I came to comic relief one night they had the basketball coach Larry Brown on. Are you on comic relief? Oh, yes. Closest, you and I ever got to comic relief was when they did a remote at a homeless shelter and we were getting some free food. Didn't we perform at homeless shelters? Wasn't there a period where Robin asked us all to go do comedy at homeless shelters? Do you remember this? No, I remember... I remember we did something for Barbara Boxer and it didn't go well. You didn't do it. I did it. I went with you. You had bought a new pair of cappizios. My cappizio. I thought we were giving you my Barbara Cassidy. Yes, I was looking very stylish. Was Barbara Cassidy the girl who had a crush on me? Yeah, yeah. This was what you were? This was 86 and I called you up and said Barbara's got a crush on you and your response was good. Now I can fuck with her. I didn't realize, but I was joking. Obviously I was joking. Of course. She was very attractive, but I don't think she was ever going to be my girlfriend. I think that's why I said that. Well, women loved you back then. Oh, yeah, sure, sure. You put more legs there than a dead centipede. You know, we're coming up on the fourth. I know you're our patriotic. It is the fourth. It is the fourth. Our parents were from the greatest generation, right? I know my dad and your dad during World War II served on a small island in the Pacific, Alcatraz. It's such a bad joke. It's hilarious. When did you come up with that? I'm not even sure it's mine if I heard it. It just seems so obvious. It's a classic misdirection. Oh, my God. The one I have. I'm getting a little feedback. Yeah. Oh, we're good. Okay. My joke is that I apologize to my audience because I've done this joke a million times. And it's not even a joke. It's just horrible. Yours is clean. Mine is just reprehensible. My father was part of the greatest generation, the silent type. They never bragged, never talked. My father killed 70 Japanese during World War II, never talked about it, mostly because it was inside a California internment camp. That's good. That's a strong silent type. Dad never talked about it. You know, the thing about that joke is, I don't even think it's a joke. It's just offensive. I think if you're a Japanese-American, you're not going to be as offended as just regular people. Nah, you'd be offended. It's offensive. It's pretty bad. You're always writing. You're a savant. Always writing jokes. You've got to be a shark, like Bobby Slayton. Always searching for jokes. We've offended crowds in San Francisco over the years, haven't we? Yes, mostly when we did Bobby Bitter. Should we talk about your AIDS joke? The AIDS joke? It wasn't even a joke that was given to me. He had really not talked about it. Well, no, it's kind of interesting about the political correct movement because we were there. It was ground zero. We were there at the beginning of the politically correct movement, which was 1989. I remember it vividly. I remember George Herbert Walker Bush became president. We had just gotten through eight years of Reagan. The liberals in San Francisco thought they were finally going to take over. They couldn't. They lost. Dukakis lost. So they decided, well, if we can't run Washington, we'll control the way people speak to one another. And thus the politically correct movement was born. We were there, right? It was 1989. It was 1989 when it all started. It was a Saturday. It really was 1989. When the liberals realized they couldn't organize to beat George Herbert Walker Bush so they'll bully everybody else in conversation. And they're right. I agree with them. So at the height of the AIDS epidemic, we were there during when AIDS reared its ugly head in San Francisco. Do you remember this? People were dropping like flies. And it was sad, right? Yeah, I was like, the death count was, God, I should know what it was, but it was high. And I was working at KRON answering phones for the assignment desk thinking I was going to be a journalist. I remember when it was called Gay Plague. Do you remember that? You had some joke book where some guy had some lame joke about it. I have that book somewhere. It was written by a guy named Peretti. He's like a renowned comedy writing coach. I think he worked on the Carol Burnett show. He had bought a joke writing book. Like how to write jokes. And he said there was a chapter, homosexuals are funny. And there was something, you know, what do you call a queer with gay plague on a unicycle? Right? I don't remember this. I don't remember with a punchline. I have to find it. What do you call a queer with gay plague on a unicycle? And you and I found this like five years later when it was called AIDS, and nobody was using the word queer anymore. And we lost it. Yeah. Well, when tragedy strikes, it's our responsibility to laugh at it, right? You got to laugh at it. We thought we were going to be rich with Bobby Bitter. Bobby and Bitter. Explain who Bobby Bitter was. Bobby Bitter was, it was based a lot on, I found an old penthouse interview with Jerry Lewis. It was so violent and vile. We thought it was, do you remember this? No. But some of it was based on that. It was based kind of the old, everyone does the old comic, the bitter old comic. And this was the one we came up with, Bobby Bitter was particularly vile. And it was kind of funny actually. And I would interview the great Bobby Bitter. You would interview me on stage, and it would be, it would have historical references and like really crude sexual jokes. So we'd have half the audience and some of the material and half would like the other material, but it never matched. And we were on a local radio show. Uh-huh. And it got kind of a following off that. And Bobby Bitter was big in the 30s. He had a hot radio show, then he transitioned to television, as I recall. Yes. And when he went to TV, his wife announced that he was pregnant. He was never pregnant on TV, so he floored down to Tijuana for a vacation. Got her drunk and hired the Dr. Escobar to perform a back alley abortion. Yes. And there was a great line. What is that? I think I played Dr. Escobar, right? You were Dr. Escobar. And Bobby handed you $50 for the abortion because they'd been drinking. And Dr. Escobar said, oh, it's $75. And you said that, Bobby said that included anesthesia. And look, she's already passed out. Uh-huh. And what was the thing about, I needed a lighter or something? Oh, the lighter was... To heat the hanger or something? Heating up the coat hanger. He passed the lighter. I got to heat up the coat hanger because you wanted to be sterile. So... So this, yeah, this is how stupid we are. How can we not get famous when... And it was, I believe, Michael Snyder, who does movie reviews here, was the announcer. And there was a... We had a sponsor of the show. Okay, hang on. Let me just explain to you. What I did is I took music and sound effects from like a George Burns, Gracian Allen episode from the 30s. I took all the laughs, all the music, all the sound effects. And I built this old-time radio show starring Bobby Bitter, you. And the idea was that they got great news. They're making the transition to television. His wife, French, she says, I also have great news. I'm pregnant. And Bobby Bitter says, you can't be pregnant. We're going to TV. The camera adds 20 pounds. She says, but I want to keep the baby. So Bobby Bitter says, okay, I have no hard feelings. And just to celebrate that we're having a baby and I'm moving to television, we're going to Tijuana, right? He's got a great memory now. So they go down to Tijuana. We're going to Tijuana. Then it plays mariachi music. And he gets his pregnant wife drunk. And then he... She says, I have to throw up and they go into a back alley with Dr. Escobar and you say, you got the money? I got the money. And then she passes out. And then she wakes up bad news. You lost the baby. He's just right. Yeah. And then she says, sweet 16 because she'd lost 15 before. Wait a second. So... But it always ends where Bobby says, why me? Why me? Didn't they say... Didn't Bobby's manager come into the room and say, great news. It's all set. You're going to be on TV. Yeah. And Bill Paley from CBS thinks it's great that French is pregnant. We want to have a real family situation. Why me? The music and the applause. And do you remember what it was called? It was sponsored by some vacuum cleaner. I'll suck it out with Bobby. Remember that? Yeah, Hoover Vacuum Cleaner presents... Hoover Vacuum, suck it out with Bobby. Suck it out with Bobby. Now here's the thing that I've learned. Okay? I'll tell you in a second. So this was going to go on a local radio show. Which had a huge audience at the time. Huge. It was huge. And we were having these discussions. But we're going to offend everybody. It's a career render. My wife at the time or girlfriend, whatever was saying. You can't put this on. It's offensive to women. This is San Francisco. You're trivializing abortion. They're going to run you out of town. And we brought it to our friend. He said, I'll put it on. And you and I come in. We get up at five in the morning to get down. There's our big day. And we're thinking this is either going to destroy our career or make history. Do you remember? Yeah. I couldn't believe he was putting it on. I was just stunned. Just to be clear, this is a radio sitcom from the 30s where a guy tricks his wife into a back alley abortion with a vacuum cleaner, right? So it doesn't screw up his TV show. And we put it on. And we're nervous. And I'm thinking, well, I'm probably going to have to get a day job after this or move to Hollywood. Because we're going to be huge. And what happened? Absolutely no response. Nothing. We go down. We're sitting there. It got a few laughs in the studio audience. And we're looking around. OK, waiting for that phone board to lie down. Nothing. Nothing. And I'm running around the radio station going, is the signal down? Is everything OK? Yeah. Like, nobody cared. Nobody cared. Well, it turns out we were ahead of our time. Abortion now is normal. That feminists and women believe that abortion can be joked about. It's a part of life. It's natural. It wasn't offensive. Well, I guess it was offensive to pro-life people, maybe. But the women in San Francisco who we thought we were offending by trivializing abortion, they think abortion already is trivial. They were on our side. Yes. We thought we were pissing off women. And we weren't. Ahead of our time. Yeah. Roe v. Wade. Very interesting. You know who Wade was. No. Henry Wade was the district attorney who would have, in Dallas, who was, he would have been the one that would have tried Lee Harvey Oswald. So he was against abortion. Why didn't he just have one of his sheriffs escort the fetus out through the garage? That's a joke, see? They're bringing Lee Harvey Oswald's embryo. Seriously, his name was Wade? I didn't know this. Henry Wade, yeah. Also, yeah, that would have been his big case, Oswald. So instead, he tried to stop an abortion? Yeah, it wasn't a federal crime then. So Kennedy's murder would have been tried in Dallas. I know that. I'm talking about Roe v. Wade. I never knew this. So why was he named in the Supreme Court decision? Was he trying to stop Roe from having an abortion? I can see, well, Roe must have, maybe she was in Dallas. Something must have happened. Let's look that up. Wiki that. Yeah. It's more fun to figure it out. And it's interesting, Roe, like an egg, right? Sam and Roe? Still like Fisher, I guess. Maybe that was your nickname. All right. Are you looking it up? No. But he tried to prevent the abortion, Wade. Well, he was the, yeah, I guess. Interesting stuff. Interesting stuff. Interesting stuff. Everyone's tuning out. April 9th, 1990. April 9th, 1990. You did horribly last time. I should mention that Larry has a photographic memory on certain things. I know. I've got a good memory for airplane crashes. April 9th, 1990. Was it a commercial crash? Let's see. Northeast Alabama Regional Airport. That doesn't sound like a big one to me. Let's go with L'Express Airlines Flight 508. See, that's an express flight. That's been count. All right. I got to have at least 100 deaths. How many? At least 100. Okay. September 4th, 1971. That was at the Alaskan Airlines. Very good. Yeah. Did you know? No, I don't know. But you knew. How did you know that? I remember. That wasn't a big one. That's a horrible airport up there. Yeah, it's Juneau, Alaska. Yeah. That was Alaskan Airlines. And I'm trying to remember it. There was slightly over 100 or killed in that. Yeah, 111. In Christ. 111. The airport is right up against the mountain. And it's real foggy. I think they hit in the mountain. They just need Wiley Post flying that nobody gets that joke. Do you know who Wiley Post was? Wiley Post from, didn't you fly with Will Rogers? Will Rogers. He crashed the plane. He killed. Oh, here's a pilot? He had one eye. And Will Rogers got in a plane with him. And we never found Will again. We'll never get on board with a one-eyed pilot. By the way, Will Rogers, according to Mort Saul, was an anti-Semite. Really? Uh-huh. I will see Mort soon and ask him about that. I never met a man I didn't like unless his last name was Feldman, Zimmerman, Alderman. Tell that to Mort. Well, if you're a Jew, never trust a man with a lasso. Nobody knows who Will Rogers is. Tell that to Mort. I just came up with that. When do you see him? I'll see him Thursday. There's a new book out about him, Mort. The book is great. It's amazing. I went to Mort's house a couple weeks ago. Mort Saul. We're talking about Mort Saul. He's just turned 90 and still sharp as ever. And he's got, you know, I like, you don't like cars. But he had, he's got this picture of him driving a 1969 AC Cobra off the lot. And that car then was $4,500. Now they're worth over a million. And you know who took the picture? Steve McQueen. Wow. He's got a great idea to buy it. And he just, yeah, he knows everybody. It's unbelievable. Loves you. I love him. My fantasy is to come out to San Francisco, go up to Mill Valley and sit with him for 20 hours and go over the book page by page. You remember we used to go to- We could do that. Come out. We'll go to dinner and it'd be fun. I won't let him go. I love Mort. He was my hero. Berkeley library and look up stuff. Oh, I remember. Do you remember what we used to look up? We were trying to look up the Bob the Bob Crane murder. The Bob Crane murder, but somebody else an even bigger murder. Who was that? Oh, you're gonna lose it. I can't believe you don't remember this. We laughed for three years. There was a bigger murder than the Fatty R Buckle Virginia Rat Paymer. A great comedian was responsible for the death of somebody and we were gonna crack it. Do you remember? No. Paul Lind. Oh, okay. Do you remember that? 1965 happened in San Francisco. A young man fell out of his hotel window. Fell out of Paul Lind's. Paul Lind's hotel room, yeah. Oh, I have the joke. I swear to God, I just made this up. I swear to you. But I can't do Paul Lind. I need Gilbert to say it. Because Gilbert does Paul Lind. Tell me that a man fell out of Paul Lind's hotel window. Some kid fell out of a Paul Lind's room on the 40th floor. And you know what Paul said to him before he died? What? Bye-bye, birdie. He threw him out. He thought he could fly. Paul Lind was in bye-bye, birdie. Now, how that would have been a great Colombo. You gonna read me my ride? Excuse me. I don't mean to be. I don't mean to be a bother. But you know the window in that room. Just doesn't make sense. Doesn't really open all the way. Well, so a guy fell out of Paul Lind. Paul Lind's window. What hotel was it? I've looked that up and I can't find it. We were at the Berkeley Library researching that. But everybody before the internet, before the internet, we were going on pouring over. Well, Jake Johansson was getting his letterman set ready. Well, Alan... How can a Paul Linds murder? Alan was getting her tonight's show set ready. Kevin Meany was getting ready for a sitcom on CBS. Uncle Buck. Uncle Buck. You and I went to Berkeley, to the library, because we were going to crack the murder of Paul Lind's lover. And Bob Crane. Everybody else was working on their act, writing jokes, moving to Hollywood. And I would come home to my then girlfriend and she'd say, did you work on your act? No, but I think we know who killed Paul Lind's girl boyfriend. We were a member talking like Bogart. No one knows who killed Bob Crane. Well, the Bob Crane autofocus was amazing. Did you ever see that movie? Yeah. Greg Keneer. All right. Juneau, Alaska. Why don't we talk about one of our other Get Rich Quick schemes when we were on Make Me Laugh? Do you remember this? Yes, we... I did... I used to do these old Fodville jokes with Johnny, and we were doing... Johnny Steele. And we were doing them in the green room, and the guy said, those might be funny. So we did a set on Make Me Laugh, and they went over so well. They can't remember they had us do like three or four tapings. We were Bub and Dave. I've been Dave, and they've touched the... You... Didn't the producers say, but you guys are going to get something out of this? Oh, my God. No. This was the closest I ever got to actually believing that we were going to be huge superstars in Phil auditoriums and arenas. I was already a comedy writer. I'd given up on stand-up. You know, I was doing it, but I knew I wasn't going to make it big. You come down to Outlay. We're doing Make Me Laugh. We start doing, hey, I understand you were in Idaho. Pocatella? I poked her everywhere. That's maybe not the best example. What was the leaf blower? This was the biggest stretch imaginable. Bought my girlfriend an electronic leaf removal device blower, not till she rakes the yard. My girlfriend has a horrible substance abuse problem, liquor, not till she stops drinking. So we did these on Make Me Laugh, and I have the tape somewhere. The screen literally is shaking because the cameraman are laughing so hard. Do you remember this? I remember the audience going nuts, you know. To the point it was the filthiest thing that had ever been on Comedy Central at the time, but they couldn't edit it because it was clean. And I remember we did three or four, and I think the second time we did it, they didn't think it was, they didn't think we could repeat the success. And the second time was even funnier. And you carried a suitcase. I remember I talked to you into carrying a suitcase. And the beat-up suitcase, I would bring that out, and I'd just lay it down, and then we'd... No, no, you held it. I made you hold the suitcase. I thought I put it on the floor. Well, let's review that tape. And we had a big fight about this. You were saying, why do I have to bring the suitcase out? No, it was brilliant. Because that's funny. No comedy. It's a comedy team, and you're this paranoid guy. Looks like I'm always on the road. Oh, and do you remember the brilliant introduction? We're always looking for fresh new talent. We're scouring the clubs and colleges. Scouring the clubs for fresh new talent. Here's the hot new team of Bub and Dave, and these two middle-aged fucks come out, broken down. I hear you were in Maine. Got a girlfriend in Maine. Don't go that far for a kiss. Steele and I still do them. Steele's got a... Actually, they look great because we dressed up like two old 40 detectives, and they're called Stakeout Cops. He's got those on Facebook. Oh, you recorded them? We're still hoping for... Oh, we're writing them all at time. Let's see. We had like five the last time. Went to... Drove down to a football game in New Orleans. Tulane. No, took the expressway. Went to a poetry slam in Washington State. Spokane. No. Ritten. Who wrote that one? That's the best one. Who wrote that? That's Steele. That's brilliant. Got a sick elephant at a zoo in Alabama, Tuscaloosa. No, I think it's a gum infection. And they're just so funny because they're so stupid. Yeah, so I remember we walked off and the segment producer used to work the Ed Sullivan show. Do you remember this? Yeah, I remember. I don't know that. I remember he was just gushing. He grabbed me by the lapels and said, look at me. I'm looking at you. I promise you, big things are about to happen. This is going to be... And I go home and I'm thinking, well, do I really want to partner up with Larry and do movies in a sitcom and chore with Larry? He's kind of undependable. And do I really want this? Well, you know, maybe I'm just a straight man. Maybe I'm never going to make it as a comedian. This comedy writing isn't fulfilling. All right, I'll do Bub and Dave and get famous. Apparently, this is going to be my ticket and my curse, but there'll be a lot of money and I can support my family. All right, I guess I'll answer the phone. I get up the next day. I've resolved that Bub and Dave is going to be huge. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Not one call. Not one call. Nothing. I just remember how hard the audience was laughing at those. I just thought this is it. We finally found it. Remember, you were staying at our house. My son was three. This is really horrible, but I guess we should tell the audience what you don't mention his name, but how old he was about five. He was pushing five. So I'll tell the benevolent side of your staying with us. He was not allowed to drink Coke or Diet Coke or anything. You're addicted to Diet Coke. Is that correct? Probably the eight to 10 cans a day. Are you still addicted to Diet Coke? Absolutely. And he wasn't allowed to drink that stuff at an early age. I told him it has formaldehyde in it. There's some kind of chemical that it bombs you and will kill you and to stay away from it. You came back from the store with a Jeroboam of Diet Coke, which you proceeded to drink in front of him. And he was in awe of you. I want to cry. It was so sweet. He just thought he knew about the bones, too. He knew about the bones, too. Really? Because he said, you have bones like a bird, I bet. And I didn't even know that later on I found out. Yeah, it leaches the calcium out of your bones. There's a genius. I'm going to cry. This beautiful four-year-old just loved me. Innocent boy. Innocent boy. I could take him anywhere. He was like a dog. You want to go see comedy? He was in awe of all my friends until he turned about 16. But tell him what you used to do in front of me and my wife and him. Don't mention his name. Let's give him another name, Buster. Buster. One day Buster was about five and his mother was late. And he comes up and he goes, do you know where my mom is? And I said, Buster, there's been an accident. Jesus Christ. A bad accident. And I start laughing hysterically. You lost it. I start laughing. There's been an accident. A bad accident. And I apologize to the listeners because it's really dark. It was horrible. It was horrible. I'm laughing so he knows she's okay. So then it became this thing. You'd come down to stay with us and I'd be standing there. Then my son would see me and you go, Buster, there's been an accident. And I go, bad. It was so horrible. I don't even know what prompted that. It's horrible. It's a little kid. I'm sitting there drinking Diet Coke, eating your food. Hey, we're getting a little low on M&M. The world's worst house guest. He's never going to leave. But you'd come home from a set. You'd come home from a set. He's hitting on the maid. You'd come home. I'd be sitting there with my arms wrapped around my little Buster. Watching Nickelodeon, just idyllic setting. My lips never left the top of his head. I was sniffing the top of his head and just so pure and perfect. The door would open and you'd look at me holding my son. And you go, Buster, I have bad news about your father. There's been an accident. And I would just start laughing hysterically. I don't think he was traumatized. The kid turned out perfectly. People used to say to me, aren't you worried? And I go, we'll see. Let's see what happens. It's like the Skinner Box. It made him tougher. Made him tougher. Well, I don't know. I don't recommend it. We were lucky because he had like 50 cousins. And it was freewheeling. And there was a lot of noise in the house. And a lot of joking about everything. And he was safe. He's now a serial killer. Yeah, but he's good at it. Oh, my God. I miss those things. Well, the minutes have flown by. Let's see. Okay. Flight 1420. I need a date. Okay. June 1, 1999. June 1, 1999. Oh, you know what? I'm sorry. Only 10 points. It's a four letter. It's a four number. That means it's like a... It's not a main airline. Yeah. No, it was American Airlines. But not enough people died for you. To pique your interest. Well, that's me. It's a contractor to American Airlines. And they have four. Those are the planes you don't want to get on. What? It's got a four digit flight number. That means it's contracted out. It's one of those small planes that don't have much experience. Really? And if it's three, it's owned by the airline? Yeah. What's the worst flight you were ever on? Oh, I remember that one. That was November of 1987, coming back from Denver with you and Johnny Steele. Oh, we talked about that already. Yeah. But that was just takeoff. Well, the fact there had been a crash the day before and the plane was still in the runway upside down didn't help it. Yeah, that was kind of disconcerting. Did you ever fly and think this isn't going to happen? We're not going to land? I used to think I was convinced that every flight I took I was going to die. I was just horrified of flying. I flew so much back then. I don't know how I did it. And you flew gliders. I was a glider pilot, yes. Why would you do that? I did that to get over my fear of flying, which actually made it worse. I found out everything could bring a plane down and there's a lot. When I was a pilot I was probably a control thing. When I was flying I was fine. I loved it. As a passenger I hated it. You would take a glider. You would attach it? Fly over Fremont. And how long would you stay up in the air? It would depend on the wind. You could stay up all day. Not very high because the wind was blowing. The thermals? Thermals. They took us they were going up to 20,000 feet. I got up there. I was with my instructor. We had a 14,000. We were above the area where we were supposed to have oxygen. So we kept asking each other questions. How many fingers am I holding up just to make sure we were clear? We were above planes that were landing at San Francisco. That was incredible. Are you relaxed while you're doing this? Yeah, I was then. But not as a passenger. So if you're in a glider... You would love gliding. It's amazing. Well, in San Francisco glider means something else. Yeah. Yeah. No. What are you afraid is going to happen if you're in a glider? That the engine's going to start? There's no engine, right? There's no engine. No engine. You get towed up by another plane. You get towed up. So what can go wrong? You could run into another plane. You could... They're really... It's pretty safe. Once I almost got too far from the airport I barely was able to get back and I would have had to land in a field, which is no big deal. They'd have to come out and disassemble a plane. That's a safety issue. What happens if you do a nose dive? I mean, could you crash it if you were suicidal? Oh, absolutely, yeah. We used to practice stall. You're flying straight down. What do you mean stall? There's no engine to stall. There's no engine. But the wind coming over the wings gives you a lift. And if you pull a nose of the plane up high enough there's not enough lift coming over the wings. And then it goes into a dive. Tell me about Michael Meehan's movie because he's on the show today. Oh, he is. He's great. He got this movie done. It looks great. It's got this look like it was shot in the 70s. It's got great photography and used every comic in town, I think. And I think you'd like it. It's a good review from Nicholas L. I noticed, I noticed. And who do you play? I play a medical examiner looking at this body. I'm taking pictures. He just loved me. He just make-up your own dialogue, which I did. So I take pictures. I think I said this one's going on my Facebook. I got to laugh. I've seen parts of it. He got a good review, so I don't know. Check it out. Yes, I'm Vimeo right now. But it had a record run at the Four Star Theater in San Francisco. Yes, and the Four Star Theater, which, uh, I think this might want to steam clean those floors, but great little art theater. San Francisco, the comedy scene. What happened? It collapsed. It collapsed in 1991. Right after Saddam Hussein invaded Kuwait. No, no, he invaded in 90. The war was in 91. He invaded in August of 90. August of 90, we went in in January of 91. And I heard some guy saying that was the, that was the start of the ISIS and everything. That was the biggest military blunder in history. I'm not, and not that one. Going there back in in 03, they said what they should have done was let, if they'd let Saddam take Kuwait and then Saudi Arabia, we'd have been better off. That's interesting. Yeah, because that would have, right? I think women would have, I think women and gays might have been better off. I think Saddam Hussein had women in his parliament. They weren't allowed to vote, but I mean, Kuwait, what was so great about Kuwait? Right? Yeah. There's some interesting points about that, but he said it would have stopped a lot of the, that's just screwed up everything over there. Or maybe just staying out of it. Yeah, we could have stayed out, but if we'd stayed out, then Saddam would have taken Saudi Arabia and that would have been it worked for the better. No, Osama bin Laden. Exactly. Hmm. Here we are solving world problems, talking about back alley abortions. This is... Well, so in August of 1990, our ambassador to Iraq, I think her name was Gillespie? You would know better than I. I think she said to Saddam Hussein, yeah, go in, invade Kuwait, what do we care? So he invaded Kuwait and then he became a tin pot dictator. This will not stand. Adolf Hitler. And the comedy boom died, right? It did die and started to go down to 91, but... And when did it come back? Did it come back? It never came back. There was interest came back in comedy, but the money never came back. I think maybe this is in three still standing. I didn't see it because I'm not in it. Your picture's in it. Watch it. Somebody's got to fill me for a documentary and use me. I'm not doing documentaries anymore unless I'm... I'm going to be in it. You've been used. Yeah. As I understand it and maybe this is in your movie three still standing comedy became like everything else. You could make a killing just a handful of people could sell out arenas and theaters and then the rest is consigned to poverty. A few people got hugely rich and still do and they're still paying opening and middle acts what they were 30 years ago. Yeah, it's pretty incredible. It is incredible. Ticket prices have quintupled. Ticket prices have quintupled. Are they still making money? Are these big comedy clubs still making money? Well, they wouldn't be in business if they weren't. It is pretty amazing that comedy clubs pay middles and openers what they paid 30 years ago or less. Yeah, or less. Is the problem also that more people want to do comedy than see it? That's it. There's so many people want to do it now. So they got a buyer's market. They want to take what you're getting paid in 1988. There's 15 people that will. Is there an explosion of people wanting to be comedians in San Francisco? There is, yes. Do they stick with it? I don't know why. And where do they do it? Well, there's only two made clubs left here now, but there's several little open mics and cafes where they do it. Even though they're doing something, they'll find a place to do it. They will find a place. Yeah, they'll drive 50 miles. They're getting up in front of five people. Three of them are their friends. That's why New York City is so much better. Yeah. Well, you've got like 14 million people in a 10 mile radius. So if you want to do stand-up like you're describing, you can leave the house at 7 and be home by 8.30 and get your stand-up fix. Whereas in San Francisco, it's so inefficient. You got to get in the car. I can remember, as you said, driving 50 miles to get five minutes of stage time. But if you want to get up every night, can you do it in San Francisco, in the city proper? Not drive to Oakland. No, you could. There's places where you could do sets every night here. And do you do that? No. I was looking at my old... In 1984, I did 350 sets. Last year, I did like 110. So I just go out primarily if I'm getting money. Because I'm a whore. How do people reach you? Through the district attorney's office. You know, I sent one of my... I took a DNA swab and sent it to Ancestry.com. Get this, I'm 5% German, 50% British, and apparently I'm tied to five homicides in my... Always right. You got it right, don't you? I'm surprised Alex Jones isn't on the Ancestry.com thing where it's just a plot to get everybody's DNA. You know, tricky. Who is that guy? I don't know. I'm a stay-at-home kind of guy what you might call an ankle bracelet. That's good, is that new? That's new, yes. I'm writing again. I had like 10 minutes of new material this week. It was great. Roostertea feathers. I love roosterteas. They love you. I got to go back there. Tell Heather I said hello. Why don't you come out and do a set? In fact, you should do the Frog Morton and we'll hang out with Mort. Yeah, the problem is Mort loves me until he sees my set. Well, I don't think there's another comic that Mort likes anyway. Yeah, he's right. Why should he like... It would be like asking Yo-Yo Ma to listen to OMD. You know, orchestra maneuvers in the dark. It's... How could Mort like any comic? Nobody's at his level. Nobody realized... I know, he just... I'm in his apartment. There's this plaque there from Jim Garrison's office. You know. Yes, I remember Jim Garrison. He used to produce the Dean Martin roasts. Nice. Nobody gets that. That was Greg Garrison. That'd be funny if you say to Mort... Mort... Alright, forget it. Go ahead. So, this is... You probably know this. John Hinckley. Yes, the guy whose heart was broken by Jody Foster. His... His family... Best friends with Neil Bush. The night before that Neil Bush... This is like... In Colorado. In Colorado. The night before Hinckley shot President Reagan in 1981. Neil Bush... Had dinner with Hinckley's parents. Right. So, this is... If you look this up on the internet, they have a... They mentioned this on ABC the day after Reagan got shot. And it was like... It looks so obvious like people are even afraid to talk about it. So, I... I brought that up to Mort. What do you think? He knew about it. Oh, yeah. Explain to people... Don't feel bad if you don't know this. I've accepted the fact that I'm old. Explain the significance of that to our audience. What? Mort never forgets anything? No, no. Explain the significance of George Herbert Walker Bush's son. Having... Oh, the... The father of the brother. So, if... And who was Bush? Explain who he was at the time. He was Reagan's vice president. Right. So, let's see if Reagan were to die, the president would be... Alexander Haig. Ha ha ha ha. You're a genius. Nobody gets that. That's the problem. As Mort said in his book Heartland, and complained, as you get older, there's nobody left to talk to because nobody gets your references. That's the problem. That's a great line. What? You know and get your references. Oh, I used to say to Dennis Miller, near the end of the run with him, you can't fire me. I'm the only one who gets your jokes. Not because I'm smart, because I'm old, and he'd lose it. He thought that was so funny. This was 12 years ago. Now look. Yeah, so explain what explain the significance of George Herbert Walker Bush was the vice president to Ronald Reagan. They had a bitter, bitter, bitter primary fight. He referred to Reaganomics as who do economics? Then he picked Bush to be his vice president and his was and his chief of staff was James Baker, who was a Bush man, right? So where was George Herbert Walker Bush on November 22? Same place. Nixon was leaving, but he doesn't remember it. What did Nixon say on November 21 when he was flying out of Dallas? He's leaving Dallas. It's all shit. Nixon was there. George Herbert Walker Bush was from Texas, but that was the old Bobby Bitter bit remember like Bobby said, where do the shots come from? Oh, the book depository, the grassy knoll, the sewer, hell, I scream this off a couple of rounds myself. It was a festive day. It's like the 4th of July. I squeeze a couple of my I quoted the telethon Barry Lank's line. Oh, but Bobby Bitter telethon, it's hilarious. Do it. You know, folks, cerebral palsy ain't as funny as it looks. How much money did you raise for that telethon every year? $35 million would have doubled it. Yeah. I took it to the casino, puts it all on red. Great time for old double O to come up. So how much money was left for little Timmy? Well after my cut, we had $15 and a cake with Timmy's name on it. How could this not make us famous? I never told you the story. What was the per, what was the perger all bit? That was your bit about his, his wife gave birth to a litter and they all died except Bruno who had, who had a tail. Yeah, you had a wife named Frenchie who couldn't conceive. So you won a fertility drug perger all Dr. DeBakey in a hard game with Dr. DeBakey is hard. These references are stupid. You were in a poker game with Dr. DeBakey and he ran out of money. So he bet with Perger all, which was a powerful fertility drug that was not yet tested by the FDA. And so you slipped it into Frenchie and how many? The bidder kids, the bidder litter, the bidder litter, seven of them died. Then there was one that survived my son Bruno who had a tail. And Bruno, your son is a stutterer. Yeah, he stutters. The only time he doesn't stutter is when he negotiates with a hooker. No, no, no, you're doing it wrong. Jesus Christ. The only time he doesn't stutter is when he's singing Ave Maria or negotiating with a hooker. How much? Your son Bruno was kidnapped, right? He was kidnapped. The kidnappers sent a ransom note and his thumb. No, his ear. His ear asking for $100,000. So you wrote back. I said that I'm a great negotiator, I'm back. That's damaged merchandise, mark them down. There are several more limbs, we got them back for $15. God, that's funny. You know what the problem is now? Now I'm going to want to do it on the show. I've never wanted to do Bobby Bitter with you on my podcast because I get obsessed with it and now I want to do it. I love the idea that Bobby Bitter gets an ear in the mail as proof that they have his son Bruno and you go, well, he's damaged merchandise now, mark them down. How many times have we thought Bobby Bitter was going to make it? And I guess there was Tom, people were interested in doing a cartoon with. Three years ago we said, let's this guy over here, Jim McGarr, we thought we could sell to the cartoon. Great guy. Great guy. So we go down, he set up a meeting with a film Roman. They do the symptoms and the king of the hill. I'd never been in a meeting before down there, so apparently it will be usually the last 20 minutes, 30 minutes stops. We go down there, this woman that runs film Roman is just swooning. We're in there an hour and a half and she goes, we want our own project. This is it. I'm going to make a trailer and sell this thing. I come out of there in the Gavro. My God, we're rich. I'm thinking, do I want a house in the Hollywood Hill? Should I keep my apartment up here? And yeah, so then two weeks later, oh, she's been replaced. That quickly. All right. How do people reach you? I do. How many miles did you run yesterday? I ran, I'm running six today. I run every other day. Where are you going to run? Getting my Fort Mason at the Golden Gate Bridge. You still go to Strawberry Canyon at Berkeley? No, I don't go. There's so many Uber drivers you can't get over the bridge anymore. Seriously? There's, they're saying 30,000 to 40,000 cars a day driving Uber and Lyft in San Francisco. There's a big medical building, you have 450 Sutter. There's so many cars dropping people off there now that people can't get in. That's why you're supposed to have regulation. Yeah, they just Uber just does what they want. Didn't they introduce self-driving cars even though it was- Yeah, they said you can't do that and they just did it anyway and one of them almost one ran a red light. The tech companies just do what they want, they're not, they're above the law. Nobody seems to care. But you love San Francisco and you love the people. I love San Francisco, in fact I keep, I keep taunting that guy in Korea. You can't hit us. You wouldn't dare. It's ironic that the most iconic building in the most liberal city in America looks like a KKK member, not the Transamerican building. Transamerican building, you're absolutely right. How liberal is San Francisco? The Grand Wizard, you know liberals love the electric car, but yet they hate the electric chair. I'm writing again. So I suggest we compromise and execute people in Tesla's. That's funny. When they're dead, the sunroof opens up, they pop out like toast, next. I dare you to aim one of those mills so that's how you don't have it in you. Boy, I just came up with a joke for you. Do it tonight. You know why it's called the Transamerican building? Because there's a penis and a vagina. Transamerican. That'll piss the audience off. Somebody must do that joke, right? Trans. Trans. Has anybody ever done that joke? I haven't heard it. You're always on the cutting edge. Transamerican. Even San Francisco is so, so liberal, so self-actualized. The tallest building has a penis and a vagina. That's what's called the Transamerican. Even their skyscrapers are transitioning. Isn't there one that's a great joke if nobody's doing that? That will really piss off. Transitioning. Used to be called the Tranny America building, but we learned we can't say that. Yes, we're much more polite now. Yeah. I guess that is offensive. Is it? Probably. Everything's offensive. But if somebody in San Francisco who's gay were to do that joke, I'm being serious, then it's fine, right? I don't know. Would it? I read Ferlinghetti's still alive. 98. City Lights. Yeah. He's 98. Friend of ours. My first economy friend of mine dated his daughter. Betty. Julie. No, Betty. Betty Ferlinghetti. I think it's Julie Ferlinghetti. I'm just being a douche. Betty Ferlinghetti. Get it. I know. It rhymes and he's a poet. Betty. See, you're so I can't keep up with you. Cocktail, adult brain. Yeah. You. When's the last time you had a drink? I haven't had 20 years ago. I don't drink. I love San Francisco. But as has been said, who said this? There's no there. Virginia Woolf. Who said there's no there there? Or was she talking about Oakland? Gertrude Stein talking about Oakland. That's like the most brilliant thing I've ever heard in my life. But it's also about San Francisco. There's no there there. I never felt like I understood San Francisco or the Bay Area. But there are people who do. You know, me and does, you obviously do. Durst does. Pritchard. Ma Erwin. Some people love this town. I just never found a core to it. I just found things just drifted slowly away in San Francisco. Relationships. Any social structure just kind of disappeared. And people were slaves to their lifestyle. They wanted to be happy and not necessarily productive. Well, there used to be a. There was a part of this town used to be working class. Now it's just all. There's so much money here. It's incredible. It's all white. Millennium. Millennium. Right. Right. Yep. So you hate San Francisco. I always hate it. It's kind of that phony liberal. It's very cold and windy. There's nothing really to like about it here. I get into all the occasions while I'm jogging. It's always been a city of carpetbaggers and carpet munchers. No, it's always been. It's always been a city of carpetbaggers like me. You come through. You take the money and leave. You leave. It's like the tech people, the comedians. They come in here. They buy a house on Broadway for 20 million. Next year they sell it for 30 million. But there are people who will still be there when all is said and done. Who aren't going anywhere. Well, I don't know. I think people like me with rent control will eventually die and then we'll all be gone. Who's the mayor now? Ed Lee. Looks like the monopoly, man. Is he good? He's just. I heard he's just. He's up. He's just totally in the pocket of the tech company. So. And the tech companies are ruining San Francisco because they don't believe in mass transit. They believe in Uber and Lyft and buses for their employees. They got these. They got these enormous buses that use the muni stops and they take their employees down to San Jose. And you know, you're not allowed to park in a bus stop. No, we're going to pick up our employees in the bus stop. So nobody does anything about it. They're above the law. And they don't pay taxes. No. They get in fact, they give them. I think they gave Twitter a big tax break to put their building up here. They don't pay taxes and they don't make money. These tech companies all run deficits in the hope that Google or Apple or Facebook will buy them. And then, you know, Facebook buys the tech company and everybody thinks Mark Zuckerberg is a genius. They think he invented this and, you know, like Oculus, the virtual reality company that Facebook bought. Everybody thinks, oh, Mark Zuckerberg is a genius. He invented virtual reality. No, he has venture capital behind him and they tell him you're going to buy this company. And they present a very socially liberal viewpoint. Everybody thinks they're wonderful people. They're the most rapacious capitalists in the planet. They're rapacious capitalists who are good on social issues because it makes them look good. That's always been the problem with San Francisco. Yeah, that's exactly what it is. The social issues are the things that divide us when we should all be united to take on the 1%. But instead, you have dykes marching in Chicago holding up the Star of David being told that's a trigger. You got to take the Star of David. Did you hear about this? No. Some Jewish dyke, and that's what she called herself. It was a dyke march for gay pride. She held up the Star of David and they told her to take it down because it was triggering anxiety among the other. Anxiety. Among the other lesbians that the Star of David represented Palestinian oppression. Well, this is, you know, as old as the 60s, divide and conquer. As long as the Jewish lesbians are fighting with the lesbians who are sympathetic to the Palestinians, as long as we're fighting each other, Walmart can destroy Main Street. The enemy is Walmart. But that's what San Francisco does. San Francisco has always been a banking town, a money town, that is good on social issues as long as African-Americans are living in Oakland. Exactly. Very racist town. Mm-hmm. Yeah. They kept Will Chamberlain tried to buy a place here in 1963. I got an old newspaper and they, we were keeping Will out of this area. What do you mean you have the newspaper? There's an old newspaper story about Will Chamberlain tried to buy a place in San Francisco and everybody was like, No, he's not buying a house here. Yeah, and the racist comments that people said about Will Chamberlain, well, you know, it has nothing to do with the fact that he's African-American. He's just going to be having sex night after night after night. What a horrible thing to say. Just because he's Will Chamberlain, just because he's black, you automatically assume he's just going to have sex night after night after night. It's horrible that people would say that about him. Mm-hmm. Did he really, how many women did he have? He claimed 20,000. Yeah. Could not shoot a free throw. That's right. Well, he didn't have any trouble zeroing in on a smaller hole. Getting his ball into the smaller. That wouldn't go out of the rim. How many women do you think you've had in your life? Not nearly as many as you. We were coxmen back in the 80s. Are you open? I have cash. Open, I have cash. The thing that I thought was going to make as big was the Hooker songs. That's for another show. All right. Those were huge. And that's the other thing now. Here's the other thing that I'm discovering. So jokes about abortion are politically correct now because it normalizes abortion. That feminists, this new wave of feminism says abortion is normal. So the jokes that we made are acceptable. So Hooker songs, you and I in the 80s used to joke about prostitution. Yeah, I know what it is. As you know, we both thought song parity was the highest form of the art. Yeah, we'll get to that. That's the whole other thing. We'll do it next time. But I was told by the woman I was living with at the time that you shouldn't joke about prostitutes because it's very sad and it's trafficking of humans and it's not to be laughed at. It's economic oppression. But I've been told now that there are sex workers who should be licensed and taxed. And it's not oppression. And that strippers don't have daddy issues. They're not exhibitionists. It's power over men. It's a great way to make money and they're not being exploited. Everything changes, doesn't it? Yeah. Have you heard that? No, but if you keep it like more solid, if you keep a consistent political view, you'll eventually be tried for treason. See, that's the difference. That's why he's more solid. I was thinking if you keep telling me that prostitution isn't exploiting women, then it's no longer a turn on. What is it? What, are you trying to kill my boner? Some woman came up to me once and said, don't do jokes about prostitution. It's degrading to women. And I said, yeah, I was really uplifting for men. We just marched out of the brothel. Hello, America. I just paid for sex. I've got money and power. Larry Bubbles Brown. I love you. I miss you. This was... Come on out. I'm going to set up a dinner for you and Mort. Nothing would make me happy. Can you get dirty in front of him, though? I'd be afraid that something would slip out of my mouth like you're cock. I've cleaned my... I'm pretty clean these days, but yeah, he does not... Did you make him walk in the rain? Oh, it was 30 years ago. No, I didn't make him walk in the rain. You and I picked him up in my trans am. Which had a penis and a vagina, as I recall. Trans? That's why it was called a trans am. That's why it was called a trans am. Yeah, we took him to Cobbs where he was walking. It was called a trans am because it was bought by men who were insecure about the size of both their penis and their vagina. Yeah, so I was first in line. Go ahead. So we took Mort to Cobbs. There's a parking lot next door. There happened to be an open space. I pulled into it and we walked in. It wasn't that far. He got a little testy because it was raining. Every time he brings that up, I said it was David Feldman. Does he remember that? No. He probably would. I wouldn't bring it up. Hey, go on YouTube and watch him. It is amazing. His stuff is so amazing. It's another level. It's not even stand-up. Yeah, he performed every Thursday. He's always good. It is another level. Yeah. If he wants to see you again, better get out here. He's 90. I'm afraid I would offend him. Does he laugh? I mean, does he laugh at mean stuff? What is he? No, he hates mean stuff. He kind of like Johnny Steele. That makes sense. Johnny turns a nice phrase. Johnny did this thing, though, about liberals and conservatives, how both coast people are like museums and find restaurants and believe in science and have six-figure incomes, living in these areas where people like farm animals and sex with their cousins. But Morton didn't like the thing about the six-figure incomes. He thought that was a little mean. So he definitely didn't like mean humor. Well, he's not going to like me. Oh, you're very mean. Well, if you're my political enemy in comedy, I believe in the politics of personal destruction. I do. I think that we can talk about things, but when it comes to the Koch brothers and Mitch McConnell, I think you... you know, say the worst things about them. Short of, you know, what? I don't, Mitch. But I think if you look at the leadership of both parties, it's just some very pathetic people. But you love Pelosi. Isn't she your congresswoman? Not for long. Is she your congresswoman? She is. Well, and the battered women's benefit with your new Capizios that we did at Wolfgangs or I did it, you accompanied me to a battered women's benefit. I believe it was 1985. Was it 1985? I think it was August. Paula Poundstone. You. Huh? It was you and Paula. Was Paula there? Yeah, she recommended me for this because through the corner of her eye, she heard me do a Reagan joke that she liked. Not knowing. Not knowing that 99% of my act was talking about taking a dump in my cat box. Battered women, battered children, batter up. So you're in your new Capizios and all these... Right, we're trying to help you with jokes before you go off. And you're eating the coal cuts. And you start going, this is great. These battered women really prep a meal for us. These battered women, they know how to feed their man. And you're slathering on mayonnaise and mustard. Turkey and mayonnaise. Wow, these women, I think he said something like, they know how to cook for their man. They know when... I don't remember that. You're going, you're going, these battered women are making sure supper's ready. I'll tell you that. And then you go, like everybody can hear this. You're eating your sandwich. These battered women benefits are great for picking up chicks. Look, I remember that joke, but I don't remember the other one. So you gave me a joke that I did. Barbara Boxer shows up, who by the way, still is a beautiful woman. Right? Very, very sexy woman. Right? Found out why they call her Boxer. Yeah? Get a look at this broad. Woof, woof. Found out why? Found out why they call her Boxer. Get a look at that broad. Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof. We're sitting there telling these horrible jokes for an hour to each other. With battered women in earshot. Or cauliflower earshot. And nobody gets that. Then there was... Hang on, so you made me do that joke? I made you do that joke. You made me do the Boxer joke? I did. It's a benefit at Wolfgang's to raise money for battered women. I open up with ladies. I'm reaching for the microphone. Don't flinch. Do you remember that? Boo. And Barbara Boxer introduced me. And I thought, this was 1985. I did the joke. Found out why they call her Boxer. Get a look at that broad's face. Woof, woof, woof, woof. I can't believe why they didn't like you. They didn't like me. Yeah, that didn't go well. Did we open for Warren Zeevan or did you open for Warren Zeevan and I went up with... July 3rd, 1986. That was amazing. And like Schmucks, we didn't stick around to watch the rest of his show. Can you imagine? Well, I watched some of it. Yeah, but we were young and we wanted to go do sets elsewhere. That was the only guy, the only music guy I ever opened for was him, twice. I do remember that, yeah. Did he request you? I doubt it. I think Bob Fisher probably got it. Bobby Bitter, you opened for the Pope, didn't you? 1964, Yankee Stadium. Pope's making his first visit to America. Lyndon B. Johnson asked me to open for him. I said, I'll do it as a favor. I normally headline Yankee Stadium, 80,000 people. I goes out, the place is going nuts. Stucco's coming off the ceiling. They had to bring out a high school band from New Jersey just to calm the crowd down. I go backstage, the Pope's waiting to go on. I walk up to his holiness and says, follow that motherfucker. Bobby Bitter. Hard to believe this didn't become a cartoon. Now do you know where follow that motherfucker comes from? I just remember. I do. It came from another comic. Who went on to become very successful. He did very well, yeah, Chris Titus. Uh-huh. I don't think he meant it in a hostile way, do you? He was just very amped up when he was young and it was kind of funny. But I think he was, he gets so caught up. Follow that. He'd come up and say, follow that motherfucker. And then that became the thing whenever we were introducing a friend of ours. Like, you know, please welcome Larry Bubbles Brown. You'd come up and we'd whisper and teach others. You'd follow that motherfucker. Oh my God. And then we won't mention his name, but there was a very successful young comic who's no longer with us. We were sitting one night at the punchline on Walnut Creek. And he was young and attractive and he was on his way up. And do you remember what he said to us? No. If I find myself your age and at that stage of a career, do you remember this? This was like 25 years ago. I remember someone saying, I don't want to be doing this at your age. At your level. At your age and your level. Oh boy. Where are you going to perform tonight? Where am I? I am not performing. Larry Bubbles Brown.com? Yes, I've got a website. I'm on dial-up. It's Larry Bubbles Brown.com and people friend you on Facebook, right? People friend me on Facebook. Send me nasty. Somebody sent me a message. I don't know. Someone said, you're a nosy little bastard. We just got out. We just got bail and we're going to get you. And I thought, oh, that sounds like a threat. So I send this to the Facebook. This is not against our policy. No. Really? All right. So after this show, there's going to be 10 more of those type of letters. If you want to visit Larry Bubbles Brown, he lives on Claremont Avenue in San Francisco, 1513 Claremont Avenue, apartment 2B. That's it. Do you have any more? Can we try one more plane crash? Okay. What are you doing? Are you still good with baseball stats? I haven't fallen. I can name every world series of results since 1920, but I don't follow the game anymore. So boring. So the numbers have to have three not four in them, right? Right. Let me look for a good one. A lot of dead people. Oh, well, this is interesting. Flight 1713. That would be another express flight. That was the Continental Airlines flight that we saw in Denver, Colorado. November 1st, 1987. Do you know where it was heading? I think it was heading to the Bay Area. Close. Boise. Okay. And we all love Boise in the Bay Area. Who doesn't? Who doesn't need some Boise in the Bay Area? Okay. Let me find you a good one. Buy me a good one. I want to make sure my brain is still working. There hasn't been a commercial crash in here since 01. The big one. Really? There's a one in November that crashed in New York City. Very suspicious. Let's see. Oh, my God. I didn't know this. Here's talking about suspicion. Oh, my God. Yeah. This can't be right. April 5th, 1991. April 5th, 1991. That was... Not many people died. Right. Was an entertainer involved? This is why it's strange. No, a politician. April 5th. Oh, that was... It was a senator. It was Heinz or Tauer. Tauer, yeah. Who was supposed to be Bush's defense secretary, but he was kind of a pig when it came to women, right? He was a sex machine. Well, he's a senator. They have to be. He's a powerful man. He died? Yeah, go ahead. Heinz died in a plane crash within a month of that, too. And John Kerry married his widow. Mm-hmm. Yeah, how they got him out of the fuselage? Come on. Kerry put a little catch up on the fries if you know what I mean. No, Heinz... Senator Heinz of Pennsylvania died in a plane accident. They couldn't get him out of the fuselage. They had to keep tapping the bottom with a knife. That is the bottom of the fuselage. We always got him. Here he comes. That's so stupid. I don't think I've ever made a good joke on this show. But John Tower... I didn't know that John Tower was killed in a plane accident along with astronauts. Yeah, they were like within a month of each other, yeah. And who was president in 1991? Yeah. George Herbert Walker Bush was president. Bush? Yeah. Hmm, interesting that he would be president. Two Republican senators? Was a Republican and John Tower was a Republican? Interesting. How did E. Howard Hunt's wife die? She died in the December 72 plane crash at Midway Airport in Chicago with she had over $10,000 in cash on her which was a lot of money at the time. And who was head of the CIA at the time? Uh... I'm making crap up. I think George Herbert Walker Bush was ambassador to China at the time. It was E. Howard Hunt's wife and who else was on that plane? A reporter for CBS Cheryl Sutton. Michelle Clark. And was she investigating Watergate? I believe she was. Really? Wink? What do you think? E. Howard Hunt. Suddenly this is turning to the parallax of you. Does Moore talk conspiracy? I don't think he believes in... Well, we should ask him, right? Yeah. Larry Bubbles ran one more. Okay. One more we won't get. So it's got to have three numbers in it. I have three numbers and a lot of death. April 21st, 1958. Geez, that'd be for my time. Need more information? Need more information. United Airlines Flight 736, April 21st, 1958. Yeah, I wouldn't know that one. I'll give you some more hints. A five... F-100 Super Saber Fighter. There was a collision. There was a collision. There was a collision. There was a collision. Las Vegas. Never heard of that one. United Airlines Flight 736 collides with US Air Force F-100 Super Saber Fighter on a training mission near Las Vegas on April 21st, 1958. 47 on board passed away. Did you walk out again? Cause of Crash? George Herbert Walker Bush. George Herbert Walker Bush. He's... Not gonna do it. Not gonna do it. Is there a black box on a glider? No. It'd be very expensive. All right, buddy. We ended on a high note. Let me get one more. We ended like the Bobby Bitter Show I did. Just kind of tailing the nothing people pissed off. Oh, tell the one we did at the Holy City Zoo for New Year's Eve. Don't you remember that? Yeah. Night Rikki Nelson died. In a plane crash that was owned by George... Wasn't there like a rumor? Where did he crash? Did he crash in Texas? I don't know where it was. I thought there was a rumor that there might have been some drugs in my heart. The rumor was and even back then I knew it couldn't possibly be true that he was free-basing on a flight and the plane caught fire from free-basing. Yeah, that didn't happen. Remember, but that's what we were told. Yeah. But, you know, what year did Rikki Nelson die? December 31st, 1985. And we performed at the Holy City Zoo then the Ha Ha Go Go. And the audience hated us. We did a double act, right? Well, they had it was a New Year's Eve show and they thought Bob Fisher was managing Bobby Bitter thought it would be a great idea to have me and you come on at midnight. So they bring us on at midnight and they handed out and they gave the noise man. So everyone's going crazy. No one's listening. We're playing Viva Las Vegas. We come out. We're eating it for like five minutes. I think I'd had enough. So at one point I just said, fuck you people. You fucking New Year. I walked off stage. And you dropped the mic. Dropped the mic. I started a trend. Usually you're supposed to do that when it's going well. I hear but we walk off stage. Nobody cared. Bob Fisher put up Viva Las Vegas again to play us off. Oh, don't you remember what I said? No. Oh, you were laughing for years after that. We do five minutes. We stop waving the those noise makers and you go fuck this shit and you throw the mic down and go happy fucking New Year. And don't you remember what I said? No. Bobby Bitter everybody, wasn't he great? Bobby Bitter. I try to get you an applause. Oh. Bobby Bitter everybody. Like it's all part of the act. Yeah, so we got into trouble, right? People won their money back. Nobody was happy. Nobody was happy. You can't go on it midnight on New Year's. God, that was a bad call. We've ruined a lot of people's evenings. Including our own. And you went with Feldo the clown? You said I played a doctor's house once? The private party, a birthday party for some doctor probably Los Altos. Some nice expensive place down there off 280. And you started doing you're doing politics In the clown suit. In the clown suit. Smoking a cigar and drinking. He didn't like it. I remember I'm in the kitchen. I think I'm in the kitchen eating food. One of the women come in because this is not going well. I remember that. I remember that. I needed the money. I remember the guy hated me and I was drinking his scotch and smoking a cigar. And I'm in the bozo suit and he's got these rich doctors and I'm attacking Reagan thinking I need this money. I've got to keep going. And they go what the F is this? And what happened? I'm looking for the M&M's. I'm looking for the M&M's. I forget how I just remember driving down there with you and we left. We got paid. So it worked out. It worked out. I also remember doing fellow the clown with my girlfriend who became my wife. I did somebody's house in Berkeley as the clown. That didn't go well. Right? That didn't go well. But you coined a great phrase. You kept telling my then girlfriend that I was impotent. You're impotent and then I felt guilty on the way home so I said but even impotent, you're better than most guys are hard. You can just put it in soft and grind your hips. You'll be happy. This became the catch phrase. Davey's better soft than most men are hard. For three years we would just walk around going Davey is better soft than most men are hard. I would be introduced. Our next comic is better soft than most men are hard. Please put your hands together for Davey. That was you trying to smooth things over with my girlfriend telling her I'm impotent and then you apologized by going Davey's better soft than most men are hard. This is going to make it better. Stay on the line for one second. I hope you're enjoying today's show. Please remember to do all your Amazon shopping via the David Feldman Show website. Go to davidfeldmanshow.com hit the Amazon banner. Click on it and then shop away. We get a small percentage of everything you purchase. I promise you every penny we get goes towards keeping the show going and if you're doing your Amazon shopping via the David Feldman Show website hit the contact button. Let me know so I can thank you. Time once again for Bruce Smirnoff who reports to us from Delray Beach in Florida. Hello sir. What's happening? Well it's the July 4th week and I can't think of a nicer place to be than Florida during the summer. When they invented air conditioning it became habitable What's the word? Habitable But before air conditioning there's a place called the Boca Resort in Boca Raton and it's a real famous hotel. It's like built in the 20s so it's got that old like that Los Angeles Spanish look and it's just gorgeous and it was built by this guy Meisner and there's a lot of things down in Florida named after Meisner but it shows a picture of him in like a wool suit in the summer it's like July 18th 1924 and he's there all shaved with the hair and you just see the guy and in those days they wore wool suits with vests so the guy's wearing a wool suit and a vest and you just look at the picture and you start to sweat and you look at the picture and you go how did these people much less live down here without air conditioning but did you watch Boardwalk Empire? or did your family watched it? You know I'll tell you something about I never liked that show for like three seasons because whatever it always filmed it was filmed so dark that you always had a strain to see things and then something clicked and I don't know what it was but I got into it and I wound up loving it but yeah it took me like three years of negativity to accept it anyway they did a thing where they would go to Cuba they were bootleggers or whatever and they really this is before air conditioning and everybody's with a hat a straw hat and a suit and they're dancing so people must have really you really perspired into your clothing back then you would think with air conditioning people would dress the way they dress back then but now even with air conditioning we're showing more skin makes no sense yeah well that's just the casualness of society I mean I don't know how many people listening are into fashion I don't know much about fashion I just kind of like certain things like I like suits and I do like really cool shoes when you look at the suits and the shoes of the 20s that was one of the best eras of all that beautiful beautiful stuff but yeah people just I guess after World War II this casualness you know if you ever watched World War II documentaries which I do like every 15 minutes when I'm not on this show with you you see that right at the end of World War II people's hairstyles change everything you went in like World War II you went in with that look of the 30s with very cropped hair and everything very conservative and then you popped like 46 47 and women were in bikinis and and had that long you know had long hair like those I'm blanking on those movie stars but they changed their hairstyles and then it went back by 52, 53 it became repressed again but there was that window from like I don't know 46 to 49 where they look like today they look like the early 60s then is what they look like I think there was a lot of sex after the war kind of like after World War I and the flappers and the roaring 20s I think people came back from the war and there was a lot of sex you know you're right a lot of this begins with the hair cuts and everything is on the VJ parade I was watching that the other day in Times Square and yeah well the men were still in the service so I guess their hair was still military cut but the women yes that's when they just had this cool look all of a sudden oh it's the PBS thing I was watching though by Ken Burns and it shows that yeah it just like almost happened overnight where they really cool looking well by our standards sex really took off in the 70s not the 60s and I think after the Vietnam war disco and sex and cocaine so right if you want to have sex get your country into a war and then there's about a two-year window where everybody has sex yeah that will help I guess because they see so much death and some yeah just so much death they want to see more life and produce people speaking of sex you and I share Eric Weber I interviewed Eric Weber when I was going to college there was a radio station and they played jazz and they had professors and my friend Andy Kaplow ran the station it's very highbrow radio station and I got to host book notes they would interview people who wrote books about Joyce people who wrote books about Lionel Trilling and one week I hosted and I brought in Eric Weber for book notes and boy were people pissed off that I interviewed Eric Weber tell everybody who Eric Weber is Eric Weber wrote this book called how to pick up girl and I believe he wrote this book I don't know like in the 60s no it was the 80s it was the 80s no no no I got the book in 1980 so he couldn't have written it then he had to have written it somewhere in the let's say 75 or something whatever and I had moved to LA in 1978 and I was like a nerdy kind of guy and I just couldn't get women to like me and then I went and moved to the hippest place on earth where you got to be producing something for a woman in order for them to be attracted to you and I wasn't I was like a loser with no act and it was hard for me to even get on stage and my whole life was to be a comedian and I couldn't get a girl to look at me and I had no experience I didn't have my first sexual experience until I was like 19 or 20 no 20 actually I was really hurting I had an amazing sex libido like every guy does and I couldn't do anything about it so I was so dejected and I had one of those dirty magazines and I was opening it up and it always opens to the back and there was that add how to pick up girls hey guys we can change you everybody sees that and everyone ignores it but I guess I had reached a nadir of my life and I said I got a tryis so I mailed away for it and it's so funny I'll never forget this I wrote a check I think the book was 1295 in 1980 I mailed the check I think it was like on a Monday and it had to go to New Jersey I think that's where the press house was and I think like Tuesday afternoon it came it came like in nine hours and this is before federal expression I just never got something in the mail so quick in 1980 I just remember going man that was quick holy mackerel it's a good thing it wasn't had a cure premature ejaculation so I get the book and I read it and it's so fundamental it's so like you know ABC and it's written like talking to a moron but you know what it's like it's like talking to a guy in the army who is going to operate an m60 machine gun this is a very dangerous weapon be very careful but it's going to kill lots of people so here we go and put the bullet in don't aim it at your foot so it's like and you're going like I know what a gun is I can put a bullet and yet this has to but people go and they shoot each other all the time so every guy thinks he can talk to women or say what women want to hear and this book it was incredible it was so idiotic and simple and yet everything you read in it you go oh jeez yeah you know and you put everything together I don't know how deep you want to go with this I mean he would say like he would talk about grooming you know like shave and I go I don't have to worry about that I mean I know how to shave and I like you know and I wear clean clothing but one of the biggest things smile you're picking up a girl I think that was one of the chapters or one of the headings that he had and it's like when a guy's trying to meet women it's so serious to him he's just so well wait a second I'm thinking about this for a second he wrote the book in the 70s how hard was it to pick up girls in the 70s well if how hard is it let me explain it very hard even in the 70s yeah I mean there are certain guys that have it or there are certain guys that can get liquored up and seem like to be the life of the party but I would say 97% of other men aren't that way and especially when you meet a woman your emotional heartstrings are being pulled your insecurities as a human being everything that you don't think about and that's what these books talk about and you have you can lose it we have a mutual friend I can't mention his name but he's the greatest this guy's 64 years old and he still chases after 18 year olds but the funny thing about him is he's always immaculately dressed and he's a very secure guy and he's a very aggressive well-spoken gentleman but when he sees a woman he loses it he gets like Tourette syndrome he starts to tweak and he says stupid things and he comes off like a first class idiot within 8 seconds and his defense mechanism instead of using humor and he's a genius at humor is he insults people so he's trying to hit he's insulting a woman and he's trying to get the like he's insulting her he's crazy and he's like look at him like who in the blank are you 64 he hasn't figured it out yet he should read this book so I'm reading this book in 1908 I'm going yeah I don't smile I'm so serious about trying to be a girl and you gotta have fun before you walk into the place where the women are like a bar in those days or at a party tell yourself a joke always be smiling don't and if the girl is beautiful these are all such simple things but when you put it all together it's amazing so worked it worked well I'll get to that so I read the whole and I'm making Mario and I'm making notes and the whole thing and then at the end of the book it says you must go out and practice this formula for 30 days it will I guarantee you I think he had a money back guarantee on the book I guarantee you this book will work or your money back whatever so I started and practiced and again I know we have a lot of liberated people listening so I apologize if dis liberated women listening but 20 like by the way liberated very up to date term very what's the word I'm looking for then a human all right here whatever it is any of you pissed off women are not going to like this but within like 24 days I met this blonde at the improv her name was candy she was so I'd never in my life I thought I could ever be with a woman like this and I did everything you're supposed to do and I was making love to her listen to this Beverly Hills on the roof of her condo building and now this is what you'll this and because we left after the improv so it's like about 145 2 a.m. on a Sunday night and we're outside on the roof in Beverly Hills making love this and I'm like looking up thank you thank you God thank you everyone you know and and you hear you know in Beverly Hills you can't park overnight from to 30 like $150 ticket so while I'm in the middle of making love to this woman I hear you know the scooter that goes that gives you the ticket and I go I'm getting a ticket most worth it ticket I said thank you God it was the best $125 I ever got fine for and it was it was sensational absolutely textbook and ever since then so the book works the book works that woman candy the weirdest thing I tried calling her like a few weeks I saw her like eight months she never went out with me again was just one of those things then I saw her like eight months later and she had turned into a lesbian and she changed her name to Brian I had ever experienced in my life because she was like a hotty hot hot you would not expect her to become a lesbian and change her name to Brian and this was like and I'm 20 what am I 22 I'm 24 I'm 24 years old and I don't know people changing their gender and names you're a hot babe what do you got to become a lesbian for they're not known for being hot they look like bowling like Joe Friday and Bill you know what are you doing Joe Friday I couldn't figure things out back then yeah that was yeah Brian and that was it I saw her maybe wanted I didn't go out with her because she was a lesbian but I saw her at the improv and that was that but that was 28 days into the book every day you practiced Eric Weber so if you're listening you changed my life and and candies you changed her into Brian we changed that we changed genders yeah candy fix you too a Brian yes Brian I ran into Eric Weber at a film festival I was emceeing the Sonoma film festival I don't know about 10 years ago and this guy named Eric Weber is sitting in the audience and he's a movie producer and I walk up to him and he's wearing a suit and he looks all Hollywood I say are you Eric Weber from how to pick up girls and he looks around he goes yeah yeah yeah but I'm a movie producer now wow so he says to be nice there's the other theory look him up and send him like a thank you card I did not know that he was still active there's the game that's the new thing the game penetrating the secret society of pickup artists and that I don't know I well let's fast forward then there was a guy named Ross Jeffries in LA who's like tall he actually a similar look to me a tall skinny jewishy looking fellow and you know not a horrible looking guy but not but you know along the lines that he looks like that guy what's that character's name from that show Saved by the Bell what was that guy Screech Screech sort of like an older Screech type of guy and he had these seminars he would have them at the I think he still does maybe I don't know but he would have him like at the LAX Hilton because people would fly in he had this is before computers but he had cassette tapes he had manuals and he would have these like weekend seminars and he was powerful the difference between him and Eric Weber was Eric Weber was like a lighthearted romp you know here's how you meet girls what you do with them after you meet them he didn't exactly go on to that he didn't you know he didn't but Eric Weber is like a guy not Eric Weber the other guy no excuse me sorry Ross Jeffries is like a guy who stands at his bed post with a giant machete Jim Bowie knife and goes okay one just left let's make the notch alright get a close up we're making a notch oh the notch is going in let's make it longer we're gonna make a long notch today that's the difference between him and Eric Weber but this guy what Ross Jeffries was was after a while this this you know this pickup thing did you go to Ross Jeffries I I think I did but I used to watch his videos so I can't remember if I actually what yes I was there here's where I was I was there for Russia Schwartz used to have this rabbi Schwartz we just lost Schwartz I know I know may he rest in peace but he used to have his Russia surfaces at the LAX at the LAX his brain so he takes a bra and you pull a bra that's what oh is that unbelievable but if I remember Schwartz he after the services he walked up to you and go so did you learn anything about picking up chicks ugh ugh so eric eric so Ross Jeffries goes to Oprah and he had he's an interesting character I don't know I never met him personally I just was in the back of the room watching him but here's his thing what happened was this eric Weber technique works you know in real life America you know hi my name is Sonya let's go out and let's see where it goes but what happened was Ross Jeffries I think was a LA native or at least he spent a lot of time and he dealt with these cuckoos the girls in LA I'm sure they're that way all around now because all the girls watch TV and they watch they emulate these actresses and they do what they do but at the time let's say like the late 80s early 90s women you know it's like you know can I have your phone number no you give me your number or can I have your phone number and they give you like a voicemail so nothing worked a traditional way you would call a woman and go hi my name is Bruce I met you the other night here's my number call me back and see it would just it just be these terrible dances back and forth so Ross Jeffries had like a gorilla style and teaching you how to like if you meet a girl like I'll give you an example if you meet a girl like at a bar and you have a great conversation and you know you say I'd like to see you again man have your number and a girl would say no give me your number right so that you have to identify that girl is not going to give you her number and you probably have no future with her so you give it right back to her and say with a smile no thank you I don't work that way or however you get that and then what that does is jostle them to where they go oh my god this guy isn't like all the rest now they either want you or they say no and you everybody lives to see another day so he was like he taught you how to get around modern technology and modern group think that was developing through I guess the MTV MTV mentality or whatever was on at the time but he was like I said he was more into like numbers and you got there nothing but you know that I'll tell you who he is the character and Magnolia I was just going to say the Tom Cruz character yeah the power of the you know what uses the dirty words to refer to women so you know he didn't have to do that but he did do that and so he would be you'd have to have security you know you'd get a couple of women there you know just just trying to barge in and tell him you know all these you know just yelling at him and wishing him death and all this stuff so yes that was that other guy so those are the two people I got versed with and then I you know I mean I whatever I went I went my way but now I just for the heck of it like what you're talking about it blossomed in the late 90s and all through the 2000s into I can't believe first of all there's 500 books now where there was just one there's 500 and and how how many ways can you say smile you're picking up a girl I mean how many way how many books do you need to say be a nice person and be genuine and try not but I don't think that's the new theory the new theory is you know it's like going to the bank asking for a loan you have to look like you don't need it the whole thing always have to do that yeah the whole thing is to act cool detached and then if you really into a woman according to the game which I'm embarrassed to say I've read I can't put it into practice I've seen somebody try it and it's disgusting I mean that it works that's why well okay I were you now you nag the woman you what you know you nag the woman's called nagging okay I don't know about that so you meet a woman and you're attracted to her and she's with her friend what you do is you chat up her friend and make the woman you're attracted to jealous then you kind of ease into a conversation with her and then nag her say something about oh negative something negative this is this is page two whatever he didn't say he didn't Eric Weber didn't say here's what you do here's what you do I here you go I mean this is this is this is why these books are so idiotic it's just reinventing the ball every page it's the same thing you go to like to meet girls you go to cosmetic counters this is what you did in the 70s and let's say the girl was six feet tall beautiful blonde hair and absolutely gorgeous well you can't tell her you can't ever make a joke about being tall because she hears that from every jerk remember you don't want to be a jerk you're you're this is where your nagging comes from so you you go oh thank you for my boy you know I'm new I'm working at a comedy club whatever it is you do you start the conversation with her but you never tell her that she's tall you never make a joke about that because every idiot tells her how's the weather up there well once I sure you you never say anything like that and then you never tell them that they're beautiful because again you're prettier than Miss Crabtree you know it's that whole you know that whole idiotic thing so what you do is you be real nice to them and then you slightly put them down in a very like why do you have that color toenail polish I'm just curious you know that's how you that's that's evil it's I know I couldn't do that I know but this is what I mean this is uh you know this is what this is what you do whatever you you know listen it's uh hopefully you don't do it very long you meet a girl you get married and you live happily ever after but this is how you got to meet women and they're they're in pretty women if that's what you're looking for are inundated every day by a gazillion guys and you have to be different and the long game playing though the game playing it's exhausting it's exhausting not really I'm not into sports you know to me yeah I like I'm gonna go to the gym after we record I'm gonna get on a treadmill I'm gonna run for an hour I'm not competing against anybody I want to get my cardio going the same thing with sex right but you're a 60 plus year old man so I'm not I'm not 60 plus yet I'm almost I am I'm 60 and I agree with you but this is not how I felt when I was 25 years old you know it's different I don't I never played games with women I didn't I begged I beg them right and that's not a game I think that doesn't work that's terrible I think sports is ruining our culture I think everything's a competition now and love is now a sport instead of just finding someone and settling down and getting on with your life and having sex and caring for one another constant games I don't think I don't know I'm out of it now I don't I don't hit on women anymore I've never gotten married and I'm very content being a solid a solitary man but have you ever gotten laid as they say nagging a woman putting her down you gots to do what you gots to do can we just stop for one second no not stop your show but I got it I just remind me the way I said do you remember Dirty Harry you've seen every guy listening has seen Dirty Harry like the Bible and you know so you know like five ten minutes in there's that bank robbery scene which is the most famous scene do I have six bullets in the gun or five what do you think you're lucky blah blah blah so that guy the black guy that he says that to you know he he goes I know what you're thinking did I fire six shots and then the guy the black guy takes his hand away from the gun and then Clint Eastwood kicks the gun and starts to walk away and the black guy goes I gots to know right and then Clint Eastwood turns around pulls the trigger and it was an empty chamber and he goes son of a bitch so that's if you've seen that scene 12 million times that guy is indelibly printed in your brain so that's 1971 I believe that movie was done or 70 or 70 I'm not sure anyway it's now 1999 and I'm on a commercial audition for beer I think I told you this story didn't I no and it's they want goofy guys and black men so that's that's the call a guy goofy guys like me and black guys and it doesn't and any kind of black guy they that's what that was like the whatever it was so it was a guy's having a good time so I walk in there's only two people at the audition and there's the guy I mean how how can you not and it's all these years later but that's and I'm sitting there and I can't study the lines because I'm just looking at him go that's the guy gots to know guy I can't believe there is you know that's my favorite one of my favorite from so like an idiot like a fat like a moron this is a professional gig and I go up and go I'm sorry to interrupt you but are you the I gots to know and he like looks up from his script and he goes very calm very sweet he goes yes that's me shakes my hand how did you know and I go I love that movie I mean yeah I can't ever get that look of your face out of my my brain and I go people must bug you like this all the time I don't know but thank you for recognizing I want to go back to the script and I'm reading the script and now another guy signs in and he goes and he sits next to me and he's going over his lines he gets up he walks up to the guy and goes excuse me I don't want to bother you but are you the I gots to know guy so basically this guy gets the are you the I gots to know guy every day he passed away a few years ago but he must have gotten that everywhere he went and I looked him up and I DMB he's only in he's in another Clint Eastwood film where I think he's got again one line so this guy maybe in his life in movies got three lines three lines more than me but three lines and he you know he's absolutely recognizable to any American guy you know for for decades for yeah for more than 50 years that while tell me about Archie Bunker I can go back to that I can go back to that story I want to talk about Archie Bunker okay unless you have something did you forget well I mean the girl thing is endless I mean you go you ask me I'll tell you Archie Bunker well no tell me about the girls you ask you I asked you if you if you got something I gots to know if I know if I neg girls in your term if I did that you know the saying something out of left field to startle them and the answer was yes and yeah I mean that's what you got that's what you do I mean it's a cruel world out there but if one boy meets girl if you aren't blessed with if you aren't blessed with overt good looks or what women overtly want then you got to really fight harder you have to be mean to them no it's not that mean to them you just have to catch them off guard again every guy goes up to a woman she's the most beautiful Miss Crabtree I'm in love with you Miss Crabtree Miss McGillicuddy was nothing compared to you I mean it's just like you just become a little rascal and you just melt in front of a you remember oh Miss Crabtree when I think of you oh Norm oh Chubsy-ubsy you remember that whole thing I mean that's what little rascals yeah that's what every guy is all about it's just like you know being infatuated with whoever they are with at the time so anyway you have to so women don't like that women don't want women don't respect somebody who can't think straight around them listen it's the age old thing when you see bikers with a hot babe strapped them and these guys are obviously they could be good souls but they're cruel guys they're violent whatever they're involved in things or gangsters when you see these gang rappers on television they've got beautiful women come on we know all I mean that's out in the public everyone knows that women like bad boys that's not even a thought so if you have any kind of look at this guy with that model guy the guy that was in prison with the mug shot he's in the news now you know and he's going out with a billionaire he's going out with a billionaire hot looking chick from England and this guy's married it's not even that he's gotten divorced this guy he's with her and she can't wait to play with him with the billions of dollars the world is a boy girl it's kooky when you're around a woman and you're aroused and you can't talk and your head is spinning and you're trying to pretend you know what you're doing that's where these books come in women don't find that as a compliment don't find what is a compliment you're weak at the knees of course not no you're like a dish rag you're like all the other idiots that you're not interesting you're not making them laugh so women are accustomed to guys just being like that all the time it's Darwinism we are here men are here to propagate and to fathers I'm not talking about now as a biological species they're here to pro-generate is that the word pro-generate? I would think that a woman women want to select the best genes for their children that's kind of why why those movies were so funny because here he was winning over these drop dead gorgeous women that normally would not like a guy like that but he was using his intellect and getting what he wanted because that is his strength and that's his genius and women want to produce good offspring powerful there's all different adjectives it doesn't mean you want a good looking man it's not all about good looks it's about power it's about the way someone carries themselves powerful sperm and good offspring come from a man who's not completely into you is that what you're saying? I guess so you want to look at it we need four hours and I would need to go over my notes and remember all this stuff but this is just biology so telling a woman go back to Vikings go back to people like they had to conquer other people you didn't go for the guy who was sitting drooling in the corner you didn't go for it I think I want to have children with that idiot over there but there's Lars Lars is six foot two he takes the sword and chops off 15 heads in 12 seconds that's who I want Lars I don't want the Lenny in the corner she's David and he's asking me such stupid questions but women complain but women complain he's rude look at Derek Jeter and I can't remember her name but I'm a big Yankee fan I can't remember her name she's a big actress and she's tall and she's gorgeous and he's tall he's handsome and he's Derek Jeter so you got these two great people and they're having a baby you know they're pulled towards each other I'm not talking in a eugenics way except for stand-up comedians stand-up comedians when they have children who then want to be stand-up comedians big problem why? because generally they don't succeed stand-up comedy is one of those qualities even acting Henry Fonda had the two kids and they could act maybe I think he had another one or the grandson's an actor too but stand-up comedy it's so difficult for the children of stand-ups and we know a lot of them achieve what their fathers did or they're much more successful so okay we'll move on I want to get to Archie Bunker then we'll wrap it up or they're much more successful yeah I know but generally no saying to a woman I'm not like the other guys I'll worship you I'll be kind I'll be considerate we'll have sex I'll make sure you have an orgasm I'll take care of you I won't leave I'll be here in the morning already I'm beginning to hate myself and be clingy it's too clingy right I don't know about that but let's go into this fact okay you know the expression the best go first okay there is a percentage of the population that are okay they've been blessed psychically or psychologically they're okay they're good people they come from a solid foundation they don't have a history of drug addiction or alcoholism they're intelligent they're solid citizens and I have to say this problem I can't even give you a percentage but let's say it's probably like 50 more than 50% of people are good good people you know they're just out there they're quiet you don't see them they just do their thing they can be in any job any social position everything and they find each other they find each other in a college because they're not neurotic they're not driven they're not I don't mean driven they're not driven in a negative way they're good people and they find each other okay then that leaves everybody else everybody else is demented they have problems they have insecurity issues they have drug issues they have father issues if they're a woman they have mother issues if they're a boy and all these things start to twist and the longer you don't commit and the longer you remain single these deviations become the norm for that person so you're dealing with walking and so these books are for the walking wounded how to how to get laid through all this nonsense you know I think I'm I think I'm fine I think it's a car ride at night dating I'm driving yeah and it's dark but my headlights are working and we get to a winding road and she says turn the lights off what lights turn your headlights off but it's a wide turn them off they're crazy I'm normal I'm just trying to get the car into the garage so to speak and the women I tend to meet are a little they like the drama they want it scary and dangerous and I'm thinking can't we just have a quiet evening and not crash the car right again this is human nature it's we're not I don't I'm not a doctor I can't you know I could I know this is a radio program so I just can't sit here and speculate so much because it's these are not facts these are just based on my relationships with people with thousands and thousands of people being a social person that I am but yeah people are whacked out but they're but I'm just telling you on the flip side of the coin there are normal people you just never hear of them my sister is like such a normal person she lives a few blocks got married young that's it kids she's a hard worker she's like a woman's liver she's a vice president of a corporate you know she's like my sister's a solid if you would have put my sister and I in a room it'd be like you know what's wrong with this picture in the arrow be pointing at me because I was wrong so I'm not I'm not I don't know from those people they're good but solid people we don't you don't hear about them because they're that's what God or whatever one people to be like the whack jobs like us so tell me the Archie bunker story I love this story I haven't heard it I just tell you one yes story yes so this thing worked for me this and I went out with a lot of women and I got I got I was with some very beautiful women I should never have ever ever been with but because I was a performer and you go on you know you're in Portland Oregon and you've got this effort best in person and you know a sense of humor is unbelievable aphrodisiac and I make jokes about it in my act but the bottom line is it's it's unbelievable it's the only thing more I guess is rock musician or a baseball player and what's funny about rock musicians and baseball players is rock musicians want to be comedians and baseball players want to be rock stars because I've met baseball players and rock stars and they all that it's all interchangeable I want to be a baseball player George Thurgood you know who he is the destroyers very nice guy he wants to be a comedian everybody but those three professions are the big girl girl getting professions and he married Marla who used to hang around at the improv and she was an artist I forget but they're married for a zillion years children the whole thing so but yes they all want to be comedians anyway it's six o'clock it's six o'clock I have it set to Australian voice so it tells me in an Australian accent tell me about the Archie Bunker well go ahead go ahead for another time we'll talk about the psychiatrist then now tell me about the psychiatrist go ahead so I met I'm telling you I did not deserve some of these women I met this woman she was a psychologist in Los Angeles they use her on television where the sisters sleeping with the father sleeping with the uncle and then they have the you know like on the what was that guy the bald black guy with the marijuana Montel Williams they were all the Jenny Jones she was on all those shows and trying to get anyway she was so phenomenal oh she beautiful she looked like Meg Ryan just like Meg Ryan oh but she had very large breasts on top of it and she's so beautiful I couldn't believe this woman wanted to be with me but she liked me and the funny thing is I've dated psychologists before they're crazier than their patients that's the irony of it all but we would be on a date and I'd just be I'd just be staring at her going I can't believe I'm with this woman phenomenal impossible unbelievable and she'd be going you know Bruce we've been together now a couple of weeks and I you know I can't help but you know use my opinion but I happened I think you have attention deficit disorder and I would sit there and go Deborah you're absolutely right and then under my breath I'm going when I take you home I'm gonna rip that bra off with my teeth I'm gonna jump on you like a gorilla and she goes I'm gonna send you to my psychiatrist friend he's gonna put you on medication no problem I did whatever she said two days later I'm at a psychiatrist office and Deborah thinks you have a I said my girlfriend thinks I have ADD well do you have a do you think about a lot of things yeah and the guy next thing I know the guy's writing me a prescription for Ritalin this is a hardcore I don't know if your listeners know it's like a speedy kind of thing and that's not good for me I don't like to be speedy I like sleeping a lot anyway this guy gives me Ritalin and I go I'll give it a shot I take one Ritalin three days later I haven't gone to bed yet I've cleaned my apartment with like a toothbrush like you do in prison cells and I'm like what is this turn me into I'm like oh my god so I flush the Ritalin down the toilet that's the end of it I'm but Deborah like you know week and a half later and I tell her you know I don't think that worked for me and she goes you know I've been thinking about it you know you're right I don't think you have ADT I think you have obsessive compulsive disorder and I looked at her and I said you know it takes the genius like you to figure this out and then I'm going tonight I'm gonna pull those panties down it's gonna cause friction marks I'm gonna jump on you and I know and and next thing I know I'm in another psychiatrist I don't my girlfriend thinks I have obsessive compulsive disorder what are the things that she I don't know but this is what she says let's get it over with and he gives me a prescription for something called effects or and this is like what's that stuff Prozac is it prosa yeah it's like a prozac thing this is for people God bless them that need it but I'm just taking it because I'm just trying to get laid here you know and the thing was like four pills a day so it was a I think 150 pills and the Walgreens said we only have 75 we're gonna give you 75 today and then tomorrow we'll have the other 75 go look I can't go through don't worry about it I go home and it says take the pill at 10 o'clock at night I take that pill at 10 o'clock at night at 11 o'clock at that an hour later I don't know what I've taken but it isn't good I've it's turned me I still to this day can't describe what I felt I felt like inside out I was like I felt like I was on the wall looking down at me it was the weirdest thing so obviously to the toilet and I flushed the 74 pills down the toilet into the into the Los Angeles water system and then I get a call the next day from Walgreens your other 75 pills are ready I go I don't want them I go but by law you've been prescribed them they're yours you have to pick them up we don't care what you're doing so I went to Walgreens I picked up the pills and I threw them into the into the gutter out in front of the store that's it and when did you break up with Debra well then she was admitted to a mental institution they took her away so that was the end seriously was she admitted into a mental institution no I got you know when I want to get a laugh I say that but um you know I still think she was great and you know but again I'm not I don't really want to go on I like telling that part of the story because of the fun part of the funniness of it but I do think she's a great girl and she's with somebody now and I and I wish them the best but you know I'm just a whatever I am I like like the Neil Diamond song I'm a solitary man and I love my life so now you want the Archie well the next time you come on we'll do the Archie Bunker okay do you worry about being alone it's this is the greatest thing in mankind and I know a lot of people I have friends these 60 year old guys who live in fear of being alone and and yet they try to meet women and do you think they're trying to meet 58 year old women so that they can be normal and live old together no these idiots that are afraid of being alone are trying to meet like 28 year old women that need a green card that they think are going to go out and get a 24 hour a day job these guys are so crazy so I feel that I have processed everything I mean I've I overdid it with the women and I never had a long-term relationship and I've become like a selfish selfish human being I'm as bad as let's go back one second on these pickup books we make the jokes and we make the laughter but they really do work the problem is they should all come with a warning that if you practice this form of lifestyle you pretty much can never settle down because you're always going to be looking for something else and then and you look at women you value women less than you then you shouldn't you should you look at the more like the object or a toy then you do as a human being and a loving woman I'm not listening to that part they really do work these books work I told you they work we've been spending an hour you know I have to say I have to say that I would show you my bed post but it fell apart before well and not just disintegrated I will admit this looking back looking back I was reading the game and I was with a friend and we went on a double date and he negged this woman and it worked yeah of course what I resent is horrible it's horrible what I resent are all these guys that stole Eric Weber it's just a basic book and all these guys read his book and they all wrote a book based on I mean everybody that relationships people do that there was this woman you ever go to Pat Allen Dr. Pat Allen in LA if she's still functioning she's still she's got to be in her mid-80s now she's wonderful she had the best Monday night seminars who's Dr. Pat Allen she's the greatest she's been running if she's still around just purely by age if that has tired her out she's a psychologist who wrote books on women who want to get married and how to stop substance and to you know how to filter through all the nonsense and really meet someone of substance and basically stay away from people like myself that was her whole thing and she used to do these at theaters in LA on Monday nights and I don't think I ever missed when she had them every week 52 weeks a year even if it was on Christmas Eve there would be a Pat Allen meeting and it was always fun because these were real people they used their last name it was like an anonymous meeting and there were like studio executives there were all these it was mostly women it was like an 80-20 ratio and these people Pat yes I did it again what happened sweet you know I run they don't mention the studio and I make I make 19 million dollars a year I met this guy at the beach he has long hair and I can't get him off my couch and he's so good looking Pat we talked about this two weeks ago you're supposed to get rid of him and you say until you bring ring that's her big thing until you bring me a ring we can't commit I know but he's so good looking because what happens in Los Angeles so wait a second so she's teaching girls women ladies how to get married yes I see getting to I do it's her famous book but why are you there this is for women because the act was all about relationships they allow men to show up sure sure I mean men have issues too men would get up and talk to her too because men men not every guy was a bad guy like me there were good solid guys who were getting run around oh it's the greatest if it's still going on anyone who lives in the LA area just find out where it is Dr. Pat Allen but it and first of all you know that matchmaker that millionaire matchmaker show that girl I think she gives credit to Pat Allen but everything she does on that show is all taken from going to her seminars and all her little shtick and yeah it was some because you would laugh you would watch these people that you could never you would everybody laugh or are you just laughing no because people would go up there and you would see this woman dressed in her Saint John suit and you know she says I run a studio and you know you know anyone who a woman who's running a movie producer in Los Angeles just these very powerful women who happen to be drop dead gorgeous and they're their idiots they're as bad as everybody and here they are making decisions they're gonna make this film we'll put the Nero no Al Pacino this is what they're doing and then they're going home Bobby's in the living room on my couch and I told him he had to leave but look at his hair look at that he got bounced quarters off his ribs you know and they were just screwed up as these men who fall for a 19 year old star it's wild and no one learns no one figures it out so they just come back so it's pure comedy it's just insanity but you see the most powerful people in Los Angeles that can't figure it out and you know we were all in the same boat and then people kind of like team up and go hey let's go to Los Angeles for dinner because the seminars are like from 7 to 8 30 and everybody's enlightened because you laugh and you I'm gonna be a better person after I went to this thing and then it's like being you know and and you go and you you bond or whatever it was great I that's one that and sushi house in West L.A. I think those are an El Pollo Loco those are about the only three things I miss about L.A. and an Astro burger so four things I mean God if I could go to like a transporter I would go every Monday still to L.A. to go to her lectures there's so much fun Jimmy Lee Wirt and I Jimmy Lee Wirt works on this show when we would tape at KPFK we'd head home and stop off at Astro burger because they have vegan fare yeah they do and I would pig out at Astro burger and I never felt sick the next day because it was just a clean veggie burger was all clean I never got sick on their hamburger Astro burger that cheese burger bacon no not bacon the chili cheese burger with well done fries wow you know here in Florida there's some decent hamburger places but Astro burger I liked it even I like fat burger but Astro burger it's still good I went to L.A. earlier this year and I went there and did not disappoint me still great and you don't disappoint me Bruce Smirnoff I'll talk to you next week bye bye pal happy 4th of July now we have to plug your movie so no no trips down memory lane you're a movie auteur now Michael Meehan so yes they're going to talk about your art Michael Meehan is a self-taught comic painter sculptor writer and now he's a movie auteur his first film hey monster sorry I love this title hey monster hands off my city just wrapped up a record setting run at the four star theater in San Francisco let me read you what Mick LaSalle from the San Francisco Chronicle says about hey monster hands off my city which you can now rent on Vimeo this is what Mick LaSalle writes hey monster is not a nostalgic look back and it's not all about the laughs this is a work of art made on a budget a beautiful looking movie with a particular sensibility that mixes absurdity and zany humor with sober concerns seen after seen in presses with its comic inventiveness its arresting brand of lunacy we get this completely bizarre element of a 15 foot furry spider roaming the city in the dead of night and then there's this other idea at work the notion that the city's real monsters are wearing suits welcome Michael Meehan thank you David it's so wonderful to be on your podcast San Francisco is where you're from and you're joining us from San Francisco you never left San Francisco I did not you did the Dennis Miller show when it was on the Tribune this was back in 1992 Bernie Brillstein who makes stars walked up to you and said come stay here stay here I'll make you a star you just walked away from it because you're an artist who sticks to his vision you have never compromised very true but I didn't compromise because I didn't know what I was doing I certainly made foolish mistakes as well so but I did have a meeting with Bernie Brillstein and with Brad Gray who eventually went on to run Paramount and who actually just passed away this year but you know he was the guy from the Sopranos but they were asking me like well what do you want to do and I was like I want to do a musical with Robert Mitchell and Christopher Walken and you know that's what I want to do when does that happen when do we start you know I had no idea that all the other sort of questions and ask questions that you had to do so I didn't even have enough money to make it to the airport after the Dennis Miller show I had to give cab driver like all my money and then I think I had like a radio and a tie so you are an incredibly talented artist I go up to Kevin Rooney's house and I see these amazing paintings who did that Michael Meehan Michael Meehan is the brilliant comedian I started with he is also a painter he is also an actor, writer, poet and now a filmmaker this movie Hey Monster hands off my city is based on a one man play that you did in the Fringe Festival back in 2011 what Fringe Festival where was this done that was in San Francisco as well I don't stray too far and that was a fun show to do and I just put it together and I played about eight characters but you know that's like quick change I was just pouring sweat by the end of it but it was a good idea which came out of just workshopping stuff you know as a comedian you have tons of ideas that will never see the stage but this was an opportunity I was finally like okay I got to do something so I just I took like this eight week solo performance class with Charlie Varendt at the Marsh Theater and I was like I just kept trying out crazy stuff and it was funny because you're in a class of like eight other people like in an acting class I remember you were talking about acting classes you know as comedians you always want to land the last you know mug to the audience type of thing you remember talking to you about that but this was just I just kept coming up with more and more ideas and I remember I got some great advice from Charlie Varendt because I did this joke I said how can cows speak of injustice if I ordered the beef lips and Charlie Varendt was like some people are going to get that joke leave them behind and it was just like the most greatest piece of advice of sort of like it be yourself type of stuff so out of that the absurdity was able to get into the one man show as well as the story so I had to keep coming back so I had to learn I had to learn about making a story work that was the absurdity and the jokes that was all there so I just had to sort of form it in and take out stuff and put in stuff and that was just a process but it was so it was an eight week course taught by Charlie Varendt who I knew through Marty Higgins remind my audience who Charlie Varendt is Charlie Varendt did solo show Rush Limbaugh in night school which had a good run and he did a couple of the things but as a teacher he was phenomenal he could really draw out and it didn't matter who you were and Marty Higgins by the way was another brilliant cat I mean oh my goodness I always remember his speaking different languages but you know is that he is Wavos Rancheros Wavos Rancheros the farm workers are saying hello Wavos Rancheros is that an imaginary pickup truck El Camino Real El Camino Real Real I don't want to talk about Marty it's too difficult do you see him at all do you speak to him I haven't seen Marty in forever so Charlie he took me to see Rush Limbaugh at night school with Charlie Varendt and Charlie was brilliant I remember this must have been this had been more than 20 years ago yeah easily and I do remember I see Eric Bogosian with Marty and I like I like Eric Bogosian okay nothing against him I think he's very talented this was 20 years ago we were stand-up comics we've had a lot of conversations on this show about Broadway plays and these $250 a seat laughs that really don't deserve laughs $250 for their ticket so they're gonna laugh and I've had a couple of friends who have been in Broadway plays and I just want to stand up and scream no stop laughing this is not funny stop it and Marty Higgins and our wives we tried the couples night we wanted to be normal so we did a couples night and we went to see Eric Bogosian and it was I like Eric Bogosian but when you're a stand-up comic watching some guy doing a one-man show and he starts doing the heroin act you know you put the needle in your arm and your see and guide and his face is melting into Jesus and Marty screams why why and everybody turns around thinking Marty is so absorbed by the heroin he's so moved they think he's like that Eric Bogosian has moved Marty Higgins to scream why is this guy doing this to him so even my then wife was glad that Marty did it it was so bad Marty was you know so yes you took the class with Charlie Varan and so it took eight weeks and how long did it take after you took the class how long did it take you to write the one-man show I think the class in the spring so about three months in the summer and then I put it up in early September did you have a director yeah I had a director I think Charlie helped me out a little bit and then I had another guy Kenny Jung helped me out with some stuff yeah it was good to work with a director to sort of have the objectivity of somebody else's eye and they just kind of guided me a little bit and you know I made a set that I could fold down and I had a bunch of stuff because I'm always making stuff I'm kind of I don't know if that helps me out and to get into a character so I had a suit that I could jump in to play the mayor Duchet Duchet yeah I felt Duchet so I gave cards to the audience during the press conference about the monster audience members would ask about stuff and I would you know have all these answers typical double speak stuff so it's a play and you were all the characters you said seven or eight characters that you inhabited yeah so I played the monster I played the mayor I played the detective character who's trying to figure out what everything was I played a couple of victims that are going about their business I played his I played his Irish neighbor who is always talking about how he got his he got smacked in the balls which is based on a carpenter I worked with this young kid Ken it was so damn funny he would just go oh he'd just be talking about people oh there's farmers there's farmers you know and so that character and Ken in real life would always cruise up in this truck that was like a glaciers truck that had no glass on it it was a glaciers truck with the same rave music playing I think he had one rave tape and he was always pulling up but he was a hilarious character so I was like oh my god so I started imitating him and he was saying yeah I see your man George Bush is doing a thing oh I see your man you know Harrison Farbs in a movie so I started imitating him going well I see your man I see your man Bruce Jenner Jason Jenner's up there Dr. Renee Richards you gotta tell the you know what I haven't heard a Dr. Renee Richards she was the tennis player who used to be a man right yes yes some references go in deep and they're there for good Dr. Renee Richards was one of those because it was so so bizarre you know that was like 1980 right early 80s yes and so you did this one we have to move on we don't we yes moving along and that's how I started the show too I came out as a cop with the caution tape the police line that's how I started the show alright folks shows over move along go on home shows over move on home so I have a theory about San Francisco that the audiences there are no longer as politically correct as they used to be the politically correct movement started in San Francisco in 1988 I remember it I remember when it started and it was 1988 yeah it was the end of the Reagan era and it was all over comedy was over and you were you were hilarious because you would just get these audiences just to revolt against you hey I'm pro chick here but I think the audiences in San Francisco now have just given up they've become so accepting that they're even accepting now of the Bobby Slatens that they just they've moved the language do you find when you're doing like a Dr. Renee Richards joke up in San Francisco or Caitlyn Jenner nobody's hissing the way they would say in you know Tampa or Oklahoma yeah I mean there's pockets of it it depends on where you're playing some of the crappier clubs that I've been playing they'll still give you a hiss or they'll look at their phone or whatever um yeah it's certainly I think people were much more engaged the internet has been a phenomenal distractor of attention so you go to a show and people aren't as engaged in like you would go to a show to get the issues you're a political comedian so you would go and talk about issues and people would get their information that way but they'd get the laughs too which now you get your rundown on everything is hey monster let's talk about the movie sure okay so you made the movie you did it by yourself nobody came to you like Bernie Brillstein did and said this is fantastic here's $20 million go make this movie you believed in this piece you knew it was good and you made it on a what do they say shoe string budget is that what it's called yeah it was it was definitely um definitely a budget yes it was a shoe string budget for what we got we got enormous I mean it cost it took like four years to make it cost about a hundred thousand dollars that's it that's a lot of money it's a lot of money but if you break it down it's $25,000 a year it's like okay that's that's that's a doable sum and that's what I did was did you have a plan did you have a plan I had a I had a vision and then the plan filled that in so then I'd have to get a plan so what would happen I let's do this hang on for one second hang on for one second I don't want to get into the the financials and the mechanics let's first talk about why people should see this movie tell me what it's about we'll get to that in a second because you know how how you did it but I want to talk about who's in it Kevin Meany is in it Larry bubbles Brad Michael Pritchard so let's go Larry bubbles Brown um Johnny Steele and Reggie Steele are some of the main characters um your mother Greg proofs your mother my mother in law um they're heavily armed grandmothers around looking for the monster and Diane Amos the pint all lady things a rap song in the movie as the grannies are cruising around in a convertible Volkswagen with a case and whatnot what is the movie about the movie is about a monster that comes to the city well the movie starts out in Romania where a monster eats a boy's mother and then later he wheels into town on a unicycle and it's present-day San Francisco and now he's hunting the monster in the meantime a company has introduced a dangerous new drink called crazy cola which is ravaging the city and they've paid off the politicians and no one's really concerned about the monster and but other people are tracking the monster so it's creating panic but also it's sort of two monsters at once terrorizing the city and then it comes into a showdown at the end um it's a comedy it sounds like it's a comedy horror film with a film noir bent yeah exactly I would say yes I'm always I'm learning how to pitch it and say things but I'm still not really good at it so I was well if Nicholas Sal gave you a great review in the chronicle you're doing something right and we can all watch it on Vimeo right now right yeah how do we do that uh you go to a monster hands off my city website and then uh it's kind of Vimeo Lincoln you can get it for you can see for your own it for five bucks okay and let's talk about some of the people who you put in the movie Greg Proups was on last week so a genius a genius yeah total genius I mean I just ran into a woman who used to work with him when he was just doing stand-up and he used to always try out his material on her she said he was so funny but Proups was hilariously fun but we did a show at the other cafe me, Proups and Michael McShane uh who's a phenomenal mm-hmm improvisational Shakespearean actor comedian and Kathy Sorbo who was uh also the sympathy cards the sympathy cards her and Nan were in the sympathy cards I met them in Seattle and they used to stay at my apartment when I was sleeping over at my then ex-wife as a girlfriend when we were dating they were I would sleep there and they would stay at my place where is Kathy now she's still in Seattle she's doing stuff up there but we did a show together at the other cafe the four of us so we came up with all these crazy uh we came up with this uh the heaviest acapella band Priest's Fist and we all did there's no instruments we're all just yeah so that was a lot of fun but one of the characters we came up with was Mr. Paranoid and he was like a Wolfman Jack character and there was conspiracy everywhere but the catchphrase was people would you know reel off a conspiracy and then we would go oh it's bigger than that baby bigger than that and then launch into a huge even larger conspiracy and so Greg Proups plays that character in the film and then it's so funny we filmed it in this bunker basement at my mom's house and so it had all the survivalist stuff in there but Proups was so funny and then this went on riffs of course that were just brilliant riffs you know let's talk about Michael Pritchard who if you're from San Francisco Michael Pritchard well I don't want to embarrass him but he's a saint he truly is a saint yeah he's he's on a completely higher wavelength than everybody else he opened for the Pope yes when the Pope came to town but not only that he had to turn down Paul Newman because Paul Newman wanted him to work at his summer camp and he goes I can't I get old for the Pope that day which was a hilarious story and he blew the Pope off the stage because the Pope would let him blow him on the stage follow that we haven't done Bobby Bitter for some reason Larry and I have not done Bobby Bitter on this show and I don't know I'm worried that if we start doing Bobby Bitter on this show it'll take off and then I'll get caught in that web again yes yes oh that was the funniest the Bobby Bitter one I mean that was just oh that's a whole it was Forest Gump before Forest Gump existed yeah it was Bobby Bitter there was this aging comedian who had done it all he'd been everywhere and I would interview Bobby Bitter he had a telethon where he began he began to tell to remember the line Barry Lang came up with this I don't remember the line but you know folks you know folks you know folks folks we used to do we used to we would go on Alex Bennett's show and do this and it was just so offensive and so horrible and people would come out to see it and they'd stay for about 10 minutes and start walking out and there'd be like three guys left who would be laughing hysterically right no it was definitely niche market comedy but oh my god it was hilarious let's stay on the telethon my Korean life sucks tell me who Michael Pritchard is then we'll talk about Larry Brown and who else is in the movie ok Michael Pritchard was this huge 6'6 he is he's still with us yes huge comedian and hilarity would take over the stage and just do incredible animal noises and many tell stories about being a probation officer for kids and do goofy stuff and you know he he won an Emmy on taxi he played a huge gay guy who dances with Judd Hirsch this huge tango with him it was just hilarious and he's also saved a lot of comedians and then he quit drinking and then he also helped a lot of other people quit drinking and doing drugs he's a vietnam, he's a vietnam vet vietnam vet he's talked people off jumping off bridges he's gone into drug dens and rescued people I mean it's just kind of a all around superhero type of person if you want to know what he sounds like listens to Cardinal Dolan he's the is Dolan the Archbishop of New York City I think so yeah he was I'm not sure I don't know if he's the Archbishop or the Cardinal I think he's called Cardinal Dolan listen to Cardinal Dolan that's what Michael Pritchard sounds like because they used to be friends they grew up together did you know that? yeah I didn't know that great guy any time I got into trouble he would take care of it you know he just took care of us you knew that if you got into any kind of trouble Michael was there he watched over the community he really did he was unbelievable and through that example he passed it on some people didn't get it but there's a whole bunch of people who did and I remain his incredible friend today I knew there was like a hierarchy when we were starting out and there were certain high priests Robin was the was God depending on how much trouble you were getting it would filter up if it got really bad and then Robin would take care you had to go through this ad hoc hierarchy of priests when you were messing up and if it got really bad Robin would step in I'm not trying to idealize this thing but we had this thing of ours was it was an incredible community and I think they had the same sort of community in Boston as well before it was an incredible thing I started 1984 and it felt like I just jumped into the screen that was like oh my goodness this is it and it was phenomenal you had to buy into the premise and the premise was Ma Erwin right? there were certain you either bought into it or you didn't if you didn't buy into it you were passing through but if you intended to stay there and be part of this community a lot wasn't expected of you being decent you didn't have to hang out every night and you just had to be a decent human being and accept this cyst of the dursts and you know Jim you had to be respectful of it it's like the pizzeria and the Sopranos yes yeah there were certain yeah you had to sit into the protocol of it and you know what's hilarious is the guy who didn't quite fit into all of that went on to become the biggest success Rob Becker who I who I just saw a couple weeks ago Dan St. Paul did a Holy City Zoo Reunion show and there's a ton of people for that and Rob Becker popped into it and it was hilarious to see him because it was like oh my god yeah there were people I always felt weird back to the movie I want to talk about San Francisco later so tell us about Johnny Steele who is Johnny Steele and what part does he play Johnny Steele is a hilariously sarcastic motormouth comedian who he's an ex football college football lineman guy big burly just sharp-witted hilarious sarcastic he plays Detective Steele, San Francisco homicide detective and partnered with him is Reggie Steele who's a big tall ex African-American he used to be an African-American he used to be an African-American now he's just black now he's just black but he's a hilarious cat as well together because Reggie's much more laid back and soft spoken I worked with both of these guys and I was like when I started writing the thing I was like oh my goodness these guys would be great together and Johnny Steele was an impetus to get the movie going because he was going hey we're not going to make it we're not the young bucks who are going to LA to make it we got to get busy and do our own thing and so that really motivated me and so Johnny jumped on board and he was phenomenal to work with because it didn't matter who was there he would just be talking and just working on riffs and just talking and just going on and on well here's what Larry Brown should be doing here's what Bubbles Brown should be doing but hilarious when you were trying to direct he was telling you how to direct no no he'd be talking to the camera crew he'd be talking to whatever and like the first scene that we filmed and I'm filming without permits I'm up on the top of this hill in San Francisco Golden Gate Heights and we call it Turtle Hill and it's just a big hill that overlooks the city and there's nothing up there and so I got Johnny Steele, Reggie Steele I got a dead body I got a crime scene crew Johnny Steele has a documentary crew following him around and I've got a couple camera guys and we're all up there and then the city inspector car pulls up and we're like oh my god we can't do it oh man there's probably 15 people there and this guy gets out of the car he walks around below us and then gets back in his car and we're like alright let's shoot this thing and he was not interested in what we were doing but for a moment I thought we were totally screwed but Johnny Steele was just so cool about everything so he was a great guy to just be this to follow him and Reggie through the movie and I got what's going on with the monster and everything so I should mention that the documentary crew following him around I would assume they're Robert Campos and Tim Diddy and making the documentary three still standing absolutely starring Will Durst Larry Brown and Johnny Steele and that's a movie about the demise of the middle class journeyman comic that's it and all those guys are in my film as well so Will Durst play Smoky who runs Smoky's gym the only gym for smokers is Debbie in it is Debbie in it Debbie's in it she plays a in fact Debbie's in it we film this at comedy day we got the whole audience at comedy we got a couple thousand people in which was so awesome Debbie Durst was the city official going you know calm down everyone and then the whole crowd goes we want answers and then she's going your city is taking care of you and everyone in the crowd going what about the monster and then you know so it was really cool so Debbie played a city official trying to placate a couple thousand people and then the character I played I played two roles the guy on the the mute assassin on the unicycle and then I also played the TV reporter Gweeb Simpson and what I would do is I'd always just go to these events like the gay pride parade and go you know it's a festive event here blah blah blah in other news a mangled body's been found and we survived so you know I would just show up whatever event one of the gags we did in the film which usually gets a pretty good laugh is I showed up at the San Francisco um half marathon and so all these people are running behind me and I'm there with the reporter outfit going there's panic in the streets as people can see their homes many in just their underwear great great so it was always using stuff like that and we ended up not even using a ton of those but I was out all the time you know when the blue angels were over I was doing that and oh they're like they're bringing in the air force to fight the monst that kind of stuff great so it was always just goofing on that type of stuff sounds like a great way to make another movie just to use what's going on in the city and build a story around it let's go over some other people in the movie who is Kevin Meany Kevin Meany plays Mayor Duchay and he was just so hilarious yes you know and so we had this whole campaign and Meany had come out from New York to play Vegas and had got a hold of him and so I got him a ticket from Vegas to San Francisco so he came into town for a couple days and we shot a bunch of stuff and he was just so hilarious so does Mayor Duchay not acknowledge that there's a problem oh yeah no he doesn't he's just he's kind of like Trump was on the campaign thing of like you know you can do whatever you want as long as you vote for me you know Duchay with Duchay and so all these people are chanting Duchay Duchay and how do you spell the last name yes it's D O U C A T so it says Duch you know and you know the political ads are on TV needs Duchay and the city needs and Mayor Duchay is just the mayor for it to clean it out to clean it up and so he's always up so Meany was in town for only a couple days but we we got a ton of stuff and oh my god he was just so funny and then so then we had more scenes with him so we got him on the phone and we recorded some stuff because he's uh we had Dan Spencer who his wife Rebekah or Spencer was Robin Williams personal assistant for I don't know 30 years or something Rebekah is the heart and soul of the San Francisco comedy scene yeah absolutely I mean she'd be embarrassed if you could make her laugh you knew that you were on to something you also had to be a good person you also had to be a good person yeah you couldn't get on her bad list yeah she's like if you don't if Rebekah didn't approve of you as a person in the 80s because we were all bad we moved to LA we were all bad we were all bad boys as I remember it that was a gig you know and it was okay but you had to behave when you came into the zoo or when Rebekah this is mythologizing this is a fact we were all bad but there were certain people like Rebekah who you had to behave around and if you didn't behave properly you were shunned right? oh yeah you're on the outs then forget it and we were all bad we were all bad boys and girls yes and troubled and unhappy and desperate and it was alright to be that but you had to treat people with respect you could be unhappy you could have outbursts but you had to apologize and you had to work on your act and be funny and work on being kind you know that I think you know San Francisco anyway let's go back to the movie it was about you know here here's some behavioral rules that will serve you well otherwise you'd get out of town not necessarily for show business but for life yeah for just being a human being and it didn't matter of course like guys like Kinsomori who were you know hilariously brilliant but you know off stage it was difficult to have a conversation with him he was also he knew the rules and but he would show up he always got stage time because he was funny he followed things and you know he knew the rules and you some people didn't but you were supposed to treat him with respect because he was funny and he wasn't hurting anybody yeah yeah you couldn't bully you couldn't be a bully but if somebody right no you had to you had to behave like you said but you know within that parameter you could be zany and wacky and do all kinds of crazy stuff but you had to have your yeah you had the basic human skills of being nice to people regardless of if you're a maniac on stage or not you had to be able to be a human being that got along with other people some of us hang on for a second we'll get to me some of us learned how to be human beings from the san francisco comedy community some of us came to san francisco from new york and knew that they were horrible human beings and broken and san francisco was basic training where it broke you down into a gentler kinder more social human being you're a marine right I was in the marine corps yeah marine corps reserve and they break you down right beautiful years yeah they break you down what do they do to you well they yell at you and make you do all kinds of stuff for three months in boot camp shave your head the first couple weeks you're you're in shell shock you're going oh my god what do you do how do I get out of here there's a guy when it happened he tried to get out by claiming he was a homosexual and after three months we went through the training and at the end we're all like charging marines we're graduating and he's just starting again with a new platoon so I was like oh my god the guy just created his own living hell instead of just going through it and just you know except they're going to break you down and they're going to give you all the new stuff and then here you go and the marine corps was a perfect straight man for comedy I mean I learned so much from the marine corps about comedy as well because they're very serious but inside I'm like okay yeah yeah and then once you get out in the the world to a base or whatever then you have some more latitude you joined the marines why well I was getting in a lot of trouble as a as a teenage punk doing lots of stealing and vandalism so my father didn't trust me yeah so my father didn't trust me so this was a way to straighten the accounts up I was like I'm going to join the marine corps was it his idea or yours no no it was my idea what kind of shape were you in I know you smoked at the time were you smoking at the time were you smoking during the marine years oh yeah oh yeah yeah yeah I was in real good shape um but yeah you could smoke were you an athlete before you joined the marines yeah I mean I played sports in high school but I smoked in high school I mean we had a smoking square in our high school the coach would take my cigarettes away before the game because you knew at half time I'd run in the bushes and have a smoke at soccer so you joined the marines and what are you thinking is going to happen well it's going to straighten me out like you said and that was your choice so you knew you needed to be straightened out yeah oh yeah okay that's interesting and it was also a proving ground I was like okay I got to prove something to myself I got a you know joining the marine corps is it's almost the in a way it was like okay this is the easiest way to unscrew myself here is join the marines because they kind of will take care of all the stuff that I need to do I just have to go along with it we don't have to go to the forest and get moral forward your first day in the marines what happens you come in they tell you to if you have any drugs knives guns paraphernalia just exactly how it starts out in full metal jacket that's exactly how the marine corps bootcamp starts out they shave your head they make you you know you have 20 guys around one faucet trying to shave your face you're all nicked up and then about they're giving you your green outfits and a sea bag full of all the stuff you need and they're yelling at you and then at like two o'clock in the morning you're in the bunk with 80 other guys rubbing your head that's been shaved and you're going oh my god what did I do and and then they yell at you for about a month straight where your garbage your maggots blah blah blah do you begin to believe that no you just learn how to respond faster it's like okay this is what they want and then everything you do is wrong so they just keep messing with you but then after a while you kind of get it so what do you mean you kind of get it what do you mean you kind of get it well they always they mark you for hours and hours and hours so you learn how to mark so instead of screwing up you you learn how to do the the new verse and then you go up to the rifle range and then you're in the rifle range and they teach you the first week how to clean your weapon break it down and everything else and of course it's all wrong so then they take you out into this fine red talcum powder up a camp penalty and with your rifles and you have to do you know jumping jacks and bends and thrusts and roll around the dirt and you just get filthy and then it's like I want these weapons clean so then you got to clean them again and it's just over and over this sort of throat thing but you know I went to Catholic schools my dad was a combat vet from World War two so it was somewhat familiar oh okay I can do it was it fun um yeah then I mean it starts to get fun after a little bit you start to get some some sense of accomplishment camaraderie for sure you start getting some jokes going so the car third says the core the core of the core it's all about the core the brotherhood right yes you stop being competitive because you're all in it together but you're enjoying other guys weakness I mean do you enjoy when somebody falls by the way side and can't do it do you feel bad that he's falling behind or do you laugh at him sometimes both we'd you know we'd be running and you know we're not running that far we're running a couple miles but this guys were just falling out that had never run really a lot so you know we had a ton of guys from the south too and you know they're just oh sweet Jesus sweet Jesus yeah and you're just like oh my god and and of course you've heard and you want to be saying all that stuff but just it's so funny you know what happens if you what happens you're running like five miles in the morning right yeah I don't know if we were in five miles but three miles was kind of the standard they wake you up in the middle of the night and say it's time to run oh yeah they would just you know turn on the lights and the yelling started immediately I mean suppose you go excuse me I'm I'll run in a second I need to I need to get a cup of coffee I'd like to pee and I don't want to do this on an empty stomach I'm afraid of my hypoglycemia acting up well one time and this was like I had been we had been in boot camp for like two months I get up and it's early in the morning and I go in and take a leak and one of the drill instructors is in the the head the bathroom shaving and I go and I go oh excuse me and he goes get your stinky you know he just starts ripping into me but I'm thinking you know just a normal polite thing of it oh excuse me I just have to go to the bathroom here like get your negative yes but of course in hindsight you're laughing at that because it's just so funny I mean well what happens hang on for one second so what what happens we've all experienced that moment where we see our high school teacher at the supermarket with his family and you go oh my god he's and he's afraid of his kids did you ever see the DI later in that kind of situation and is he polite does he smile and say you know that was just an act or is it does he go back into the character it's acting right isn't it acting for a drill yeah but they're they're hardcore they are committed dudes they don't they don't break character I mean at the end after you have been with them for three months they'll be grudgingly give you like I mean now now go out there and go do it but they stayed locked in you know and and we had with a couple drill instructors that had to be like demoted because they were hitting private and just you know being extremely cruel but it was just when he said it was so thinking are they are they sadists oh I'm sure some of them were sadists and we had one and this was the guy I think his name was Alvarez but he got he got demoted from sergeant down the corporal lost his drill instructor ship and then was in charge of the laundry so they busted him down a rank but still kept them employed on the base but he couldn't supervise training recruits to be Marines and I don't know if he had to do some sort of probation he got reinstated or whatever but he would sit there and he'd say at the end of the night you're all there in your white t-shirts and white box of shorts in front of your bunk beds and he's going sing my song and make me search my shorts you know because then we'd sing the Marine Corps him and but they would just come in and just call you all kinds of names and now when they call you all kinds of names were they politically incorrect? everybody was a maggot everybody was a effing dildos were you called the effort? did they question your sexuality? oh yeah yeah I don't know if they still do that but this was 1977 did they make fun of you? yeah yeah I mean they would say are you queer for my gear? what are you looking at? are you queer for my gear? where are you from? Texas? I don't feel safe I don't feel safe I don't feel safe what about like if did they make fun of Jews and Blacks and Mexicans? it wasn't really specifically that too much because you're all just green you're all green maggots there's no color here everybody was just a green maggot so in that way it was very democratic so you kind of all know that you're in the same boat right I always say it was a perfect training ground I mean it was hilarious boot camp is how long? it's three months and what happens to your body after three months? do you notice a complete change? yeah you're in shape guys that were really overweight would drop 50 pounds these guys that were just big old blubbery guys they'd be slim and trim and beefy and I put on 15 pounds because I was a real skinny kid so it was good are you going to a weight room for the jogging and the push-ups and the calisthenics? yeah it's calisthenics and lugging stuff around lots of running around and carrying stuff and push-ups sit-ups pull-ups running they would have everyone makes their bed their racks and then they come around they'd find one thing wrong and you tear apart your entire everything and bring it all into the front where they call it the classroom so you bring in 80 sheets 80 blankets 80 foot lockers dump out everything from the foot lockers and then they go I want this place squared away so then you're just running around and you're just pouring sweat and you're just trying to make the bed and do it again and again a year later and Howard became the secretary of the platoon which follows around the drill instructor and whatever recruit has a problem he's a secretary but Howard didn't know how to make his bed and so their place would get torn up eventually he just had somebody making his own bed so the brilliance of my brother Howard is he's playing the Marine Corps and he didn't have to make his bed the me and brothers were on that talent where you were doing an Irish rap what show were you on it was an NBC show that was last comic standing that was one of the funniest things I remember you sent it to me and I laughed hysterically you were Irish rappers right yeah we did this whole thing the Irish tanning heroes is the piece so we would just talk about brave men and women going around into the sun and never came back then we'd go on and on I took an acting class with your brother he's a brilliant actor is he in the movie yes my brother Howard in this small part he plays a cop he was busy doing a bunch of other stuff but my other brother Chris who is in the trio with me he's got a bigger part he plays a character who sends out my nephew James they weren't called boy scouts we call them urban rangers and so he has to get his scat badge and so he follows the scat around it he finds the monster scat and then he doesn't know what it is but he follows it around town and he finds the monster and befriends the monster well before you go it's great to hear your voice and it stirs up memories likewise David is this a hate letter a love letter or both to san francisco you know it's a love letter certainly for the city that we know and love and a lot of it's sort of hey you know things are changing and even some of the places we filmed started going away so it's very nostalgic in that sense but it's also sort of addresses sort of the sort of the way things are in cities certainly the city of san francisco which is you know politicians are swayed by huge amounts of money and ignore the public good so that's not a new problem is it an unlivable city if your middle class can you stay in san francisco if you got deep roots and you got family and a place to live you can make it but you get assaulted all along the way by every sort of that you can whether it's just trying to park I mean all the people who are in the trades so few of them live in the city anymore there's no few shops many you know before in the neighborhood there always be oh there's a shop over here the guy's making something over here so and that's very middle class profession I think everybody works downtown I don't know what people do now but they breeze off to some computer job which is even a misnomer I don't know what they do some tech job yeah I get very upset when I think about san francisco because it's a beautiful city and you get there and you're breathing pure oxygen and you're just surrounded by the ocean and the fog and it's just fantastic and every rich kid and his parents want to live there so it's just innovated with retirees who have money or trust fund babies who have money or the business fed now it's computers or social media and they just raise the rents and if you don't have money you can't live in san francisco but I moved to san francisco 30 years ago more than 30 years ago I saw a whiff of it I kept wondering where do people work I would walk around san francisco and I didn't understand it it doesn't make sense where why do these people have money it never occurred to me that there was such a thing as inherited wealth or trust fund babies or retire people who don't have to work and I just go how do they have the time and the money to go to a movie during the day that kind of stuff and now the whole city it seems is like that it's tourists or people who are living their unpermanent vacation whose fault whose fault is that it's Steve Jobs he invented this phone that caused people to stop communicating face to face like we're doing now exactly exactly the massive tech came in and it was all about innovation and not innovation but then you just flush out all the cultural people that are holding things together very San Francisco right now is kind of like Paris was in 1940 when the Germans invaded because all you see driving around are these gigantic German staff car BMWs people speak another language and they're entitled and they blow off the locals who wear berets or whatever they get shipped off to wherever they are and then you have the indentured servants who drive around in the Uber lift cars and they just block the roads and then they're the collaborators who think they can move up but they're not going to does it make you angry does it make you angry yeah but I can't live angry that's the crazy way to live I mean they screwed with the water we stole that water 100 years ago now they're mixing it with groundwater and it's a big campaign of like two sources are better so it's like obvious yes 1984 speak what is the before you go what is the big issue now in San Francisco is it the water no no that's just that's just a crime against nature and us um that's not it people say it's housing but they're building these massive amounts of housing and I don't know what the problem is other than they got rid of the old San Francisco and they replaced it with something not as good like in men in black when the wife says it's not the same Edgar that's what San Francisco is like alien creature that's disguised as San Francisco hmm yeah because they don't have the historical reference everyone's skipping around like it's the latest fraternity hangout you know kind of pinheads running around doing pub crawls who knows where they're from they're not from here there's a great story Corona he owned what was the name of the club it was a rock club and anyway he booked Chuck Berry and Chuck Berry shows up and he's about to go on he says give me my money and Corona hands him a check and Chuck Berry picks up the check and goes this looks like money it says it's money but it don't smell like money he rips the check he rips the check up and he says go get me my money you had to go get cash and so to me I always think of that when I come to San Francisco where I go this looks like San Francisco it sounds like San Francisco but it don't smell like San Francisco it's just not and the audience is the comedy audiences if I were to fulfill a fantasy of leaving New York, moving to San Francisco and becoming a born again comic and start all over where would I perform because there's cobs in the punchline but they're owned by Clear Channel or Live Nation where do you go to work out there's Mill Valley but where do you go to work out every night are there places? there's tons of open mics but there's not money like it was back in the day when you could actually supplement or make a stab at making a living we do a show with Johnny Steele, Steven Pearl and Larry Bubbles Brown we work the punchline three or four times a year and the crowds that come out for it are awesome but it's generally an older crowd we get some younger kids in there for sure but it's a rockish, great show because we've all been doing comedy for 30 plus years so it's joke, joke, joke, joke, joke we're not just going up with an attitude about this and that we're attacking with premises and punchlines and a lot of deep bench humor and it's so fun to do that and then to connect to the crowd and the crowds like that over at the Throckmorton in Mill Valley too the crowds are a little more organized there's an explosion everybody's a stand up comic now is there an explosion in San Francisco the way there is in New York and LA where everybody's getting up? yeah, oh yeah everyone and like Savvy you rally your people to come to a show and I hate to be like some of this grumpy old comics that have missed the boat I did this but I remember you'd see a young guy that was really tearing it up you're like oh my god that's so damn funny and then you'd see somebody else but I haven't seen I see so much more comedy done with profanity and that's sort of the language that's acceptable it's like you take away all that profanity and you really you have a couple of personal experiences that's about it no great premise guys like Jeremy Crammy were just crack the sky open a new idea would come down and 20 comics jump on that new idea and make their own spin off from it go on about the profanity because I ran into trouble with a lot of young San Francisco comics because when I played the punchline they weren't allowed to say the F word and a lot of guys got really pissed off at me I think it's I think it's a creative plus to not say the F word if you take the F mom out of your act and your act's not funny you're not funny you're just kind of being stupid but if you really craft a joke and you make it work and you sell it without profanity that's craftsmanship and that's how you do it that's how you write a good joke I don't see the mentorship that we got we got so much mentorship because we saw older established comics go up there and slay with unbelievable material and then you're like oh that's where I want to go I don't see that with the profanity of young comics or even older comics that use tons of profanity there's nothing to be learned there other than hey this works hit them over the head with a sledgehammer they love that I have this compliment that I give to comics I'll walk into a club and if I hear the profanity I don't want to be a comedian I don't want to play to that audience I hear them laughing at profanity and I go I want to go home I don't want to get up now because I'm not famous and I have to go work this crowd and they've been poisoned and then when I see an act when they're working to their better angels I say to myself wow I want to be a comic but the greatest compliment I can give a fellow comic is watching them and say make me want to be a comic yeah when I see somebody being vulgar I just say this is a strip show I might as well just go watch a live sex act and I've seen that happen there was a club that I used to play in Austin and eventually it they started bringing in strippers to watch the shows and their pimps and then I look in the paper what happened to the club it turned into a strip joint and then they have male strippers thunder down under is playing here I don't want to I don't mind starting out in a strip club but when you've been doing it for a while it would be nice to play to an audience that expects something that's been thought out well Michael me and how do people I would assume you don't have Twitter you know I have it but I never use it I don't spend any time doing any of that my sister set it up for me but I don't know how to use it I mean I'm definitely a caveman do you ever feel pressured to do the do that kind of stuff it just doesn't nag at you the way it nags at other people since I've known you in the early 80s everybody was hustling they wanted to be funny but for a reason you just wanted to be funny and good right you are a painter and a poet you're the pompadist of love do you like not that self promotion stuff that's especially in Sanford when we were starting out being a self promoter was people disdain that right yes yeah and people went far now they have huge mansions in Beverly Hills but they're not happy we were told you had to be funny that's all that mattered yeah and I still think that's true on a base level I mean I enjoy being funny I can be funny in just about any situation it's that's a gift for me it's like hey this is a gift you know I accepted at a certain point I was like oh okay I accept this I remember scoffing hearing someone say oh it takes courage to be an artist and I would scoff at that going bullshit I'm using profanity but then I realized oh if you have a gift you just have to use it and not be afraid to use it and it's like that was funny you're funny David Feldman very funny person I think of your bits and I laugh other people who are comedians who I think about I laugh they're funny people they say funny things they come up with funny things that's a gift so doing that yeah the I was never but here's the thing it's very nice it's a great comment but I was never as funny as you we would drive to a gig and I would this constipated brick layer here's a joke another joke I'm going to slap some cement around it and lay this brick here's another brick you would just ooze comedy all the time and I was the guy save it for the stage I'm that kind of guy I wasn't that much fun to be around you're just always funny always looking for the laughs you live your life being funny I'm more of I always think like you know I'm calculated I'm oh that's a funny idea I'm going to write that down you know but you kind of lived and breathed it like Kevin Rooney for example where you just can't help yourself but be funny all the time yeah Rooney Rooney is just in fact I went down with my son and my wife to see Rooney last year and he was just goofing on a joke well my son was eight at the time picked it up because the Rooney bits Rooney was just talking about his condition oh I do something I can't do it oh there's a hundred dollar bill I'm going to reach for oh I can't quite reach it well my son's doing that around the house he's doing Rooney bits he had a profound effect on my kids I mean I can't even I remember oh my god Kevin Rooney is a the most literate profane human being on the planet I mean he goes high and low in a way that just I can't even repeat half the things but there well I don't know if I should tell this story but I will there was I can't do it well I can't do it I'll have to tell you what it involves yeah I can't do it anyway Michael Meehan your movie is called Hey Monster Hey Monster hands off my city hands off my city and we can watch it on Vimeo and then I assume it's going to be streaming wherever right yeah so you can get on Vimeo and you know eventually I may get some sort of distribution thing happening for it and it may play in some other markets cities even whatever maybe even another streaming service and then enter into the pantheon of films that people go oh yeah that was a funny film because the response I got and this is a small sample plus it's very local but people seem to enjoy the movie so yes and it got great reviews I will tell you this my daughter and son and their friends were like 10, 12 and Kevin Rooney came up with a euphemism for a vagina calling it the Mujma and he started telling my kids about how Santa Claus if you're a good kid Santa Claus slides down your Mujma and leaves little gifts and and we were laughing there were adults there just on the floor laughing in front of 10 year olds and 12 year olds he never said vagina but he just you have to take care of your Mujma because that's where Santa Claus likes to slide down and you don't want him to leave coal in your Mujma and so then for 5 years all the kids in the neighborhood are talking about their Mujmas but they don't know what a Mujma is but they they know that we were laughing at the word Mujma and Kevin Rooney made up the word Mujma so there's no way there's no way the kids parents can say my child was over at your house and he learned the word Mujma and I don't think that's appropriate and it was just genius on Kevin Rooney's part because he would be saying kids make sure to take care of your Mujma laughing no Rooney is just so funny I mean he's right up there with Robin Williams as far as just an endless genius supply of just the risks there's a look there's a look that I saw in what I used to love and it makes me feel young is I would sit next to Kevin Rooney just like at the comedy manager club just go to drive down to the comedy manager club and he would hold court and Jay Leno would be there or Dennis Miller or Bill Mar and they all had the same look in their eyes they all deferred to Kevin Rooney and they all had just this awe and that was the other thing that I loved I knew my place at the table I knew that I was sitting with the adults and I'm just going to sit here I don't have to say anything I just have to listen anyway I miss those days we're getting to sit at the adults table I love you buddy we'll do this again I hope David I love you too thank you so much I'd love to yeah we could talk endlessly and bore people with tears with everything but thank you so much it's a real pleasure and I love your podcast you're just phenomenal hey say hello to your mom and stay on the line for one second okay sure that's our show thanks for listening hey monster get your hands off my city is available right now on Vimeo please go rent it three still standing the documentary about the glory days of the San Francisco comedy scene is streaming right now on Amazon please friend me on Facebook follow me on Twitter do all your Amazon shopping by the way via the David Feldman show website we get a small percentage of everything you purchase and for only five dollars a month you gain access to our premium content go to David Feldman show dot com hit the go premium button we accept all major credit cards from the showbrist studios in downtown Manhattan Medicare for all and have a safe and happy July 4th