 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music and first in television, presents transcribe the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. For your enjoyment, here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show, written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Janine Roos and Whitfield, Walter Sharpe in his music, and yours truly, Bill Corman. Very often, a man will do something against his better judgment just to please his wife. Sometimes, it can prove embarrassing, like what happens to Phil tonight. More about that later. First a word from RCA Victor. You're in for a happy surprise when you buy RCA Victor Television, for you'll pay much less than you might imagine. You can actually own new RCA Victor Television for as little as $199.95. Think of it, for less than $200, you can enjoy television's finest pictures. Every RCA Victor set has wonderful advances like the new Magic Monitor. This exclusive circuit system automatically screens out interference, keeps pictures sharp and steady. It steps up power automatically, and automatically ties the best sound to the clearest pictures. Yes, RCA Victor quality means top performance, and more. Every detail of every set, from the control knob to the handsome cabinet styling, reflects the craftsmanship that has made RCA Victor the world's most owned television. So, go to your RCA Victor dealer tomorrow. See the new Brookfield console, for example. Here's big 21-inch quality television at a modest price. Buy tomorrow, and chances are you can have delivery before Christmas. Of course, America's finest television deserves America's finest service. So when you select your RCA Victor set, order an RCA Victor factory service contract for expert installation, adjustment and service by RCA trained servicemen. And remember, every year more people buy RCA Victor than any other television. And now the stars of the RCA Victor program, Alice Faye and Phil Harris. This time of the year, nearly everyone is busy with preparations for Christmas. The Harris's have practically completed theirs, except for their outdoor decoration. Phil and Alice's brother William ought to work on that now. Oh, this is a waste of money. All these decorations. Holly and Reeves. And no, it's not at all practical. Stop, Beepen. Everything looks very pretty. Well, I got the wreath up, now to get the light strong. I want to put them across the top of the house and down the sides. That's already done, Phillip. I did it while you were in the garage decorating your still. That ain't no still. It's my new hat blocking machine. Uncle Fedora sent it to me for Christmas. All right. All right. Hat blocking machine indeed. You must know, it's a pressure cooker. I was canning a few beats. Well, let's stand back and see what kind of a job you did on these lights. Let me see. I, well, you certainly used enough lights. You got them all over the front of the house. Yes. It's not only ornamental. It's practical too. I arranged the lights so that they spell something. Well, that's a cute idea. What does it say? Well, you can read it better when they're lighted. Now wait, I'll turn the switch on and show it to you. There. Hey, look at that light up. Let's see what it says. Merry Christmas from Alice Fay and husband. Why didn't you put my name up too? Well, I'm planning on using the sign again next year and there's no telling if you will still be with us. You can put my name up. I'll be here. Very well. Well, read the rest of the sign. Okay, okay. Let's see. Alice Fay and husband, stars of stage, screen and radio. Now available for television. We'll work cheap. Call Hollywood 6161 or toll free number Zenith 470. Oh, do you like it, Phillip? No. You left out half tuxedos will travel. What are you trying to do to my house? I don't want no ads up. William, this is just for Christmas. What's the matter, Phil? What are you yelling about? I'll show you what I'm yelling about. Look at the light your brother put up on the house for Christmas. Let me see, let me see. Merry Christmas from Alice Fay and husband. Stars of stage, screen and radio. Now available for television. We'll work cheap. Call Hollywood 6161 or toll free number Zenith 470. This kid reads good. Well, how could you put a sign like that up on our house? That's the most disgraceful thing I've ever seen. Take that down. The whole thing? No, just the part that says we'll work cheap. And Phil, you'd better come in now and get cleaned up. We have to leave soon. Where are we going? Oh, I forgot to tell you. The women's club is having a pre-Christmas party and play, and the husbands are all invited. Look, honey, I don't like them things. I don't feel like going. But don't argue you're going. Now hurry inside and put your Santa Claus suit on. All right, if I have to put my what on. Oh, there's something else I forgot to tell you. In the play, you have the lead, your Santa Claus. Ooh, goodie. The day I've dreamed of is finally a ribbon. I'm going to play Santa Claus for a women's club. Ooh, I ain't gonna do it. Phil, it's too late to back out. Now Mrs. Stewart is in charge of entertainment, and I promise that you'd do it. But honey, that ain't the kind of role I play. I'm not the Santa Claus type. You know I'm a lover. How would I know? It's a nasty type remark. Alice, I'd like to help you, but I refuse to put... You're not refusing anything. This play is for the children, and you're not going to disappoint them. You'll find your Santa Claus outfit on the bed. Now go on in and change. All right, all right. Oh, if she didn't have money, would I tell her? And hurry up, Phil. Mrs. Stewart will be able to pick us up soon. Alice, hmm, I don't know. Get up soon. Alice, hmm, did the women's club really pick Philip to play Santa Claus? Oh, don't you worry about, Phil. He'll be the head of the play. Well, are you going to be in the play too, sis? Yes, yes. I'm going to sing a few songs for the children, which reminds me I'd better rehearse one of them now. Oh, lovely! Christmas toys all over the place. Little Johnny wears a funny smile upon his face. Poor Johnny has a secret, and this secret he must share. He wants to tell somebody, so he tells his teddy bear. I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night. She didn't see me creep down the stairs to have a peek. She thought that I was tucked up in my bedroom fast asleep. Then I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus underneath his beard so snowy white. Oh, what a laugh it would have been if Daddy had only seen Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night. I was so puzzled I couldn't understand why Mommy was kissing the wrong man. It's Santa, and then it was that I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus underneath his beard so snowy white. Oh, what a laugh it would have been if Daddy had only seen Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night. Merry Christmas! Ridiculous, making me dress up in a Santa Claus outfit. Well, now that I got it on, I might as well look in the mirror and see how it looks. I thought so. I looked and I... Hey, I'm cute! Oh, I love that twinkle in my eye. And the way my cherry red lips show up against that white beard. I look jolly yet distinguished. Sort of like an old Liberace. Yeah, not to go in the other room and show Alice. Hey, Alice! Hey, Alice, where are you? I'm right here, Phil! How do you like me in my Santa Claus outfit? Oh, no, Phil. Wait a minute. What are you laughing at? I think I look good. Not only that, I sound the part too. Listen to this. Ho, ho, ho! And how would you lumb glial glows? Bum, bum, grols. Well, what's the matter? The whiskers are too loose. Every time I open my mouth wide, that beard gets wild. It's due to a little big for you, too. You know, Phil, somehow you don't look right for the part. I do, too. I guarantee nobody will know it's me in this get-up. Uh-oh, that must be Elliott. I'll get it. Man, I just picture his face when Santa Claus opens the door. It's going to be a surprise. Ho, ho, ho! And how are you, lumb glial glows? You're going to invite me in or you're going to stand there eating that bird's nest soup? It ain't bird's nest soup. Can't you tell what it is? Chew it again. Let me listen. It won't be a while before the ball grows. No. Too quiet for shredded wheat. Oh, I know. It's cotton candy. If you're finished, I'll tell you what it is. It's a beard. Oh. What's the beard for? What's the beard for? Can't you tell by the outfit I'm wearing? Doesn't this suit look familiar to you? Let me see. Oh. Of course. That's the red Searsucker suit you bought for Easter. This ain't my Easter suit. This is the Santa Claus suit I'm going to wear for the kids. Curly, you can't play Santa Claus. Santa's a fat, jolly, nice-looking man and you don't look depart. Too sexy, huh? That ain't what I meant, Marilyn. Don't tell me I don't make a good-looking Santa Claus. The Women's Club asked me to do it because I'm perfect for the part, so just... Bill, it's not just you would arrive yet. I... Oh, hello, Elliot. Hello, Alice. I was just admiring little old Chris here. Cute little nothing, isn't he? No, Elliot. That's not nice. Bill, I think you look positive. Those are my sentiments, exactly. Abbot and Costello, huh? I guarantee that them dames will make the biggest fuss over me when I... Oh, that must be Mrs. Stewart. I'll answer it. Oh, hello, Mrs. Harris. Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, but I had trouble driving over. The traffic was something fierce. All those Christmas shoppers on the sidewalk slowed me down, something awful. You know, my husband always tells me I should drive in the street, but there's so many cars there, it's dangerous. Don't you find it that way? Where's Mr. Harris? He's standing right there. Oh, yes. Hello, Mr. Harris. Now then, Mrs. Harris will all drive down in my... How'd he get hurt? I didn't get hurt. Then how come you're bleeding? I ain't bleeding. This is the santiclaw suit that I'm going to wear for the children. Oh, Mr. Harris, you can't appear in front of the little children like that. They'll think that you... Oh, well, we can always tell them you were trampled by one of your reindeer. I wasn't supposed to be such a jolly old man. I'd hang one on her. You know, you're certainly the seediest santiclaws I've ever seen. I hope you sound more convincing than you look. I sound very good. Just listen. Ho, ho, ho, and growl on the growl. For heaven's sake, now we swallow these teeth. Oh, Mrs. Harris, if I were you, I'd get a new husband. I always say husbands are just like cars. Once they start falling apart, get rid of them. It costs too much to keep them in repairs. Of course yours look like he still has a few good mildings, but I wouldn't advise you to take him on any long trips. Curly, she stopped. I suppose she needs winding. I don't see no place for a handle. Maybe it's the end of the record. Turn her over and see what's on the other side. Oh, Curly, you'll like this. Never a smile at a crocodile from the Peter Pan album. Oh, she's an RCA label. Well, let's spin her and see what... All right, all right, fellas, you're being very rude. I'm sorry, Mrs. Stewart. Oh, don't apologize. We have to make allowances for them when they get senile. You better get in the car and get going. Those children will be waiting to see santiclaws. Of course they'll be disappointed when they see you, Mr. Harris, but you can make up for it by entertaining them. After all, you're an actor and you can do some of your famous barnyard imitations. I don't do no barnyard imitations. Well, then ride your unicycle or whatever it is you do. I'm a singer and a darn good one. Ain't I, Elliot? I like you better on the unicycle. Never more. I got a great song for those kids and they'll love it. I'll sing it on the way down. Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Ooh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh. Dashing through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh. O'er the fields we go laughing all the way. Bells on Bob's hair ring, they're making spirits bright. What fun it is to ride and sing a slaying song tonight. Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Hey! Ooh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh. Hey! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Ooh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh. A day or two ago, I thought I'd take a ride. And soon Miss Alice Faye was seated by my side. The horse was leaning length, misfortune seemed his lot. He got into a drifted bank and we regained upsot. Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh. A day or two ago, I thought I'd take a ride. And soon Miss Alice Faye was seated by my side. The horse was leaning length, misfortune seemed his lot. He got into a drifted bank and we regained upsot. Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh. Hey! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Oh, what fun it is to ride in an open sleigh. Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh. One-horse open sleigh. Hey, look at all those kids over there. They're so eager and anxious to see Santa Claus. Hey, I wonder what I'm supposed to do to amuse him. Maybe I don't have to entertain him. I'll just go over and just be Santa. Look, Curly, please don't do it. Why spoil their Christmas? I keep telling you it ain't gonna spoil it. The trouble with you grown-ups is you don't know what Santa Claus is supposed to look like. But the kids do. They'll love me and I'll prove it to you. Look, here comes a little boy. Watch his reaction when I talk to him. Hello, little boy. I'm Santa Claus. What would you... Ow! Kick me right in the shins. Look, you little monster. Step out in the alley with me. I'll break every... Curly, you can't fight a kid. You're supposed to be Santa Claus. I'll take my suit off. Curly, you didn't like you. None of them will. Oh, that kid was just a brat. I'll pick out a nice kid. There's one over there that looks like a little gentleman. Follow me. All right. Hello, son. I just came over to see you. And I'm treating you. Trick or treat. Where'd they get them kids out of cracker jackboxes? Look, son, I'm Santa Claus. And why are you wearing the disguise? It ain't no disguise. This is a real Santa Claus suit. And it was made for me by the little elves up at the North Pole. Now, if you could read, you could see this label that the little elves put in the back of the suit. You know what it says? Yeah. Abbey rents. Never mind. Rental. Three dollars per day. Beer. 35 cents extra. They got me a 35-cent beard. No wonder it don't taste good. Look, kid, pay no attention. Where'd he go? He ran away like all the other kids. Curly, you ready to give up now? No, I'm not ready to give up. Maybe I'm using the wrong approach. Maybe I've been a little too brusque. Hey, look, there's a kid bending over that tree. I'll go over and pat him on the head. Hello, son. My, but you're a fine-looking... Stop pressuring me! Oh, I picked a humdinger this time. Julius, I didn't know you were going to be here. What the hell do you mean? What am I supposed to be? What do I look like in this red suit? Like a hundred and eighty pounds of... I'll tell you what I am. I'm Santa Claus. This is a Santa Claus. Yes, I am. And if you look closely, you'll see the resemblance, because I have a cheery smile, twinkling eyes and rosy cheeks. I like your big, fat, red nose. You do? Yeah. It's way too a mess of cottage cheese. Kid must be hungry. I keep reminding him of something to eat. Look, Julius, you shouldn't kid about a thing like this. You, you believe in Santa Claus, don't you? Oh, naturally. And I'm sorry if I offended you, Santa, dear. You come to my house this Christmas Eve, won't you? Certainly. And if you're a good little boy on Christmas Eve, I'll come riding through the sky with my reindeer, land on your roof, put my pack on my shoulder, sliding down your chimney and land in your fireplace. And what's the first thing you'll do when you wake up on Christmas morning? Weap out your ashes. My ashes? You mean... The biggest blaze you ever saw. I don't think that's nice. Especially when I was going to bring you such a lovely present. Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Harris. What kind of present are you going to bring me? A hand grenade with a loose pin. Beat it, will you? Get out of here. Now will you take the hint, Curly? Nobody likes you as Santa Claus. Yeah, I guess you're right. All I've done is make fun of me since I got here. Come on, I'm going home. I'm going to take this suit off, too. And I never want to see it again. Well, I told you you'd be a failure, Curly. All right, don't rub it in. Don't rub it in. I was trying to be nice to those kids and play Santa Claus for them and all they did was ridicule me. You'd think that they'd... Oh, mister, can any kid get into that Christmas party or... Say, are you Santa Claus? Yeah, you want to make something out of it? I don't want to hear the more cracks about how funny I look. Oh, you don't look funny, Santa. I think you look wonderful. Yeah, yeah, I know. Now get a look. I do. You really think so? Sure. I've seen those make-believe Santas in the stores, but they're not like you. You're much better looking. Well, I can't argue that point with you. Wait a minute, kid. Do you think this is the real Santa Claus? I know he is. Anybody can tell by looking at him. You're a smart little fella. Uh, look, kid, there's something I got to tell you. Quiet, John Bullybury. Now, tell me, son, what do you want me to bring you for Christmas? Didn't you get my letter? Your letter. Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah, I got it, but... Well, I just sat down to read it when suddenly the North wind came and blew it right out of my hand. Butterfingers? Quiet. Gee, you didn't read my letter. I guess that's what happened last year, too, because you never showed up. I didn't? Well, don't you worry, because I'm going to show up this year. And look, Sonny, as long as I'm here, why don't you tell me what you want? Well, I'd like a bicycle, a pair of skates, a football, electric trains, an air rifle, a chemistry set. Wait a minute, wait a minute. That's quite a lot of things you're asking for, isn't it? Yeah, but don't forget you owe me a lot of stuff from last year. You got a point there. All right, Sonny, I'll see that you get everything you want on Christmas Eve. Oh, thanks, Santa. I'll be waiting for you. Merry Christmas. I'll be there. Merry Christmas, son. Come on, Elliot, we got work to do. Hey, you know, Curly, he really believed you're Santa. You're darn right. And that's why I'm going to the store and buy him everything he asked for. And I'm going to deliver it myself on Christmas Eve. Yeah, that's fine, except for one thing. You forgot to ask the kid where he lives. I know where he lives. 22 Elm Street, right over the grocery store. How'd you know that? Well, I... I don't know. It just came to me. Elliot, do you suppose I really am Santa Claus? All right, Curly. I better find out where the kid lives so we won't be disappointed. Hey, Son, where do you live? Grocery store. Ooh, I'm getting out of here. Wait for me. I'm going with you. Curly, how did you do that? Nothing's too hard for the real Santa. Now let's take the bus and go home. A bus for the real Santa? Nonsense. We'll go home in your sleigh. All right, Elliot. Don't argue. You get in and I'll drive. Please. Up Donner, up Litson, up Prancer, up Vixen. And away we go. Elliot, please, please. What's the matter, Santa? Stop the sleigh. I'm getting air sick. Phil will be back in just a moment. Is this what wakes you in the morning? Well, those days are gone forever when you own RCA Victor's wonderful new personal clock radio. This tiny clock radio can automatically turn on its radio at any preset time and wake you pleasantly to music. And if you oversleep, it can gently buzz to remind you of the time like this. This completely new RCA Victor set brings you all the advantages of a powerful radio plus the conveniences of an electric clock, yet it's no bigger than a clock. Choose this smartly styled clock radio for yourself or give it for Christmas. It's the gift that keeps on giving. See and try RCA Victor's tiny new personal clock radio at your dealers tomorrow. This is Phil again. You can still help in the fight against TB by purchasing Christmas seals. TB is the nation's number one infectious killer. So help the TB Association and your community. Buy your share of Christmas seals today. Thanks and a Merry Christmas everyone. Merry Christmas everybody. Included in this program transcribed were Lois Corbett, Stuffy Singer and Tommy Reddy. The part of Julius was played by Walter Tetley. Whether you're in the mood for reading or relaxing, for dancing or romancing, there's music to match it in RCA Victor's new mood music series. You'll find a choice of melodies to fit your every mood, played by outstanding artists like Hugo Winterhalter, Henry René and the Mellocrino Strings. Ask your RCA Victor record dealer tomorrow for the new mood music records on extended play and long play records by RCA Victor. Next here, Theatre Guild on the Air over NBC.