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The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester, Dennis Day, and yours truly, Don Wilson. Ladies and gentlemen, let's go out to Jack Benny's home in Beverly Hills. It's Sunday morning, and Jack is still in bed. Well, it's 10 o'clock. I guess I better go in and wake up the boss. Got to get down to the studio and rehearse. Mr. Benny is 10 o'clock. Dog going to just look at him, sleeping like a little baby. I guess I better take his thumb out of his mouth. Show a hard man to wake up. Well, maybe this will do it. Getting monotonous, open up those baby blue eyes of yours. Maybe this will work. Only one thing left to do. I'll have to go back to the old standby. Uh-huh. What? Oh, it's you, Rochester. Thanks for waking me up. Turn on the light. The light's wrong. Get your head out of the cash register. I can't. Push the no-sale button. Thanks. Good morning, boss. How'd you sleep? Oh, pretty good. Only, I was awfully cold last night. You're cold every night. Maybe you haven't got enough blood. Rochester, I'm not a neame. Now, lay out my clothes and get me a clean shirt. I don't want to be late for rehearsal. Yes. Not a neame. I wonder what he'd say if he found out that every morning I sneaked into the bathroom and put ketchup on his razor to keep up his morale. See, the shirt should be in this drawer. Bullen socks, handkerchiefs, sweaters. Uh-oh, what's this? A bottle of ketchup. Rochester, how about my shirt? Coming, boss. Here it is. Thanks. Say, boss, while I was getting the shirt out of the drawer, I noticed a bottle of ketchup. Oh, you did, eh? Yeah, where'd you get it? Rochester, come here a minute. I got a little surprise for you. Surprise? Yeah, you keep putting it on and I keep scraping it off, but I'm not wasting it just to please my vanity. You knew it was ketchup? Well, yes, but I will admit that in the beginning, it fooled me. It did? Yeah, the first time I saw it on my razor, I took a sample down to the blood bank. They analyzed it and said, Mr. Benny, some people have girls, some people have boys, but you're going to have a tomato. Now, I want more. You answer the door, Rochester. I want to finish dressing. Yes, sir. Oh, what a beautiful morning. Oh, what a beautiful dawn. Now that it started and raining, I won't have to sprinkle the lawn. Rochester. Oh, good morning, Miss Livingston. Say, Rochester, now that we've had rain, why did you take down that sign that Mr. Benny has in front of the house? Which one? The one that says water inside, $0.25 a glass. No use taking it down. I'll just change water to lemonade. Who is it, Rochester? Oh, you can come in my room, Mary. I'm dressed. Hello, Jack. You better hurry. It will be late for rehearsal. Why? We've got, oh my goodness, look what time it is. I never realized it was this late. You still have to shave. I know. I know. It won't take long. I'll take off my tie. I'll get the razor. I'll get the ketchup. Yeah. No, no, we're having time for that now. You go get the car, Rochester. I'll be down in a minute. Try the motor again, Rochester. Yes, sir. Try it again, Rochester. Only this time, step on the throttle, advance the spark, pull out the choke, and hold down the clutch. Keep talking, boss. So far, you haven't named one thing we've got. All right, all right. Try the motor again. Yes. I knew we wouldn't have any trouble. The motor was cold, that's all. You know, it's been quite chilly here lately. If you think it's cold here in California, let me read this letter I got from Mama. Oh, a letter from your mother, eh? Well, what does the Wild Irish Rose of Plainfield have to say? Well, just a second. I have it right here. My darling daughter, Mary, this is the first chance I've had to write you since the recent blizzard here in Plainfield. In some places, the snow was so deep, many people got lost. Your sister, Babe, went out during the worst part of the storm and rescued three men. It was sure smart of Babe putting that keg of brandy around her neck. You heard what looked good. Imagine finding three frozen men. Go on, Mary. She's thawing out the cute one and putting the other two in the deep freeze. What? So much for Babe. Good. But it's been so cold, your Uncle Harry has been sitting in the living room all week with his feet in the fireplace. I wish I could break him of the habit as he's getting shorter every day. That's silly. What else is there? Mary, you have no idea how much inconvenience the blizzard caused. People got stranded in offices, stores, and factories. And your father was stuck in a burlase show for 10 days. We finally got him home, and he's all right now. Except I wish he'd stop applauding every time I take off my apron. No. That's so much. But now he's building a runway in the kitchen. Oh, Mary, your mother's too old to go back to that. No other news will pose for now. Your loving mother, Naughty Angeline Livingston. Mary, the next time you write your mother. Rochester, right here we are at the studio. Yes, sir. Yeah, I wish there was some place to park along the street. Oh, for heaven's sake, Jack, why don't you put it in a parking lot? Yeah, I guess we'll have to. All right, Rochester, drive in here. Oh, boy, a real parking lot. Wait until the boys in the lodge about this. Never mind, just go in. Now, Rochester, you go over and pay the attendant. Miss Livingston and I are going into the studio. Yes, sir. Say, Jack, look at that beautiful car driving in. Gee, what a car. A chauffeur in uniform and everything. Must be the president of the network. Here we are, sir, NBC. Thank you, James. Mary, Mary, it's Dennis. Let's watch this. I'll get your things out of the car, sir. That's the coat. Thank you. Your hat. Thank you. Your popsicle. Thanks. James, you've been licking it. Hey, Dennis, Dennis. Huh? Oh, hello, Mr. Benny. Hello, Mary. Gee, Dennis, I've never seen such a beautiful car. Where'd you get it? Well, my mother gave it to me for my birthday. An expensive car like that for a birthday present? Your mother must be rich. No, she's honest, John. Well, it's sweet of your mother to give you such a nice car, but how come you've got a chauffeur, Dennis? Well, I was talking to the man who prepares my income tax, and he told me I ought to get some more deductible items. Oh, oh, is your chauffeur deductible? Yeah, James deductible. Jack, we better get to the studio. We'll be late. Yeah, as the case didn't do many good at all. Come on, Dennis, let's go. Say, aren't you Jack Benny's chauffeur? I sure am. Are you Dennis Day's chauffeur? Yes. Say, tell me, how many radio programs has Mr. Benny got? One? Ha! Come on, kids, we better get to the studio and rehearse it. Number once more. Let's go over to the studio. Hold it, Phil. Hold it. I'm here. OK, Phil, let's take five. Now, Phil, let's get started with this. Holy smoke, Jackson. How long have you been out of bed? For about an hour, why? Well, morning may become a lecture, but it ain't done nothing for you. Oh, Harris, through your lips passed the most beautiful jokes in the world. Look, Phil, I have a very important sketch to rehearse, so would you mind cooperating? OK, OK, I'd like to get home early today anyway. Today is my wedding anniversary. Alice and I have been married seven years. Well, congratulations, Phil. Yes, sir. Gee, seven of the happiest, most wonderful years that ever happened to anyone. Well, I'm glad to hear that, Phil. A lot of people don't realize how lucky they are. Yeah, thank goodness Alice does. Oh, fine. Say, Phil, what are you giving Alice for an anniversary present? This golden locket. Here, look how it opens. And look what's engraved inside. Gee, a poem. Yeah, I wrote that poem myself. Let me read it, Phil. OK, go ahead. To Alice. To the fairest of the fair. To the one and only queen. To the cutest little ham hop. From her loving turnips green. Why, Phil. Bill Z. Harris. Oh, gee, I guess I'm just a sentimental old slush. No, no, Phil, you're cute. But now look, kid, we got a sketch for a hearse. There's something else. They scratched it out here. We've got a sketch for a hearse. And I want it to be good, so let's get at it right away. Can I run over my song first, Mr. Benny? Sure, sure, go ahead. We'll rehearse later. And if he won, the harmony was so very sweet. Remember the name of our son, Simon. Son of the Lord, Simon. So let's rehearse our play, our sketch. We're going to do our version of Tyrone Powers' 20th Century Fox Picture Nightmare Alley. The story is about a carnival. So, Mary, you're going to be Zena, the snake charmer. Phil, you'll be the fireeater. And Dennis, you're going to be the two-headed man. All right, Don, set the scene. Ladies and gentlemen, our version of Nightmare Alley, that weird, foreboding story of life in a carnival, our scene opens in front of a sideshow on the crowded midway. These ways step up to the platform and for the price of 25 cents, you not only see the tattooed lady, the two-headed man, and the fireeater, but the one and only geek in captivity. Yes, folks, that scream you just heard was the geek. That wild inhuman fiend is dangerous. He is a beast. He is a monster. Watch it, Elliot. Folks, step right up and get your tickets. So hurry. Oh, Zena, Zena. What is it, Tyrone? I want to talk to you. Well, let's talk later. I got to get out on the platform and do my snake dance. That's what I want to talk to you about. I wish you'd keep your snakes out of my dressing room. Why? This morning, I thought I put on a necktie, sat down to breakfast, and it ate more than I did. You don't think my snakes make a good tie? Take it off. I can't. He swallowed a whole egg. Now I can't get him back through the loop. Now, Zena, I want to talk to you about that mind reading act we've been practicing for a long time. With those clever signals we've worked out, we can't miss. Now, let's get out of that platform and break the act in today. OK, Tyrone. Lead the way. All right, folks, gather around the platform while my assistant Zena passes among you. I will tell each and every one of you anything that's on your mind. And I will do this blindfolded. Are you ready, Tyrone? Ready. I am pointing to a person. What is this person's name? That person's name is William. My name is Esther. Thank you, Esther William. And now for the next question. I have a man here. Now tell me what this man has got on his wrist. He's not in a balcony, eh? Take it again. Now tell me what this man's got on his wrist. Wrist? Turn around so you can't watch. I've got it. Good. Now what has this man got on his wrist? A wart. Then it's under his wristwatch. And now, folks, if you will step up. Hey, Tyrone, Tyrone. Uh-oh, the boss. We better get back to our regular act. All right, ladies and gentlemen, step up close to the platform and see Zena the snake charmer. She will do her famous snake dance. Hey, you four fellas in the front. You four guys. Have you got your tickets? Hmm. Good. Now step up close and watch Zena do her famous dance. OK, Zena, now let it go. Get her, boys, with every little shake. She drops another snake. He strikes the smoke for me. We will tell you something confidential. Quality of product is essential to success. To continue in success, the sneaker handles will raise his voice and tell you lucky strike is his first choice. So don't buy those lucky. I'm packing up and leaving the carnival. Leaving the carnival? Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone. Why don't you answer me? I love that name. But Tyrone, you can't leave the carnival. It's in your ketchup. I mean your blood. I don't even know why I joined the carnival. That geek is driving me nuts. I'm tired of living with those other freaks in Nightmare Alley. But Tyrone, they all joined the carnival for some reason. Yeah. Say maybe if I found out why they joined, I wouldn't be so mixed up. It might help me solve my problem. You mean? Yes, Portland. It's time to go down to Nightmare Alley. What is your quest? My idea is why did you join the carnival? Shall we go? As President Truman said to Mrs. Truman, we might as well walk. We've got no porch to sit on. Come to me back at Nightmare Alley. Well, I see the fire eater is home. He must have just finished his dinner. The garbage pail is full of ashes. I'll see. Somebody, I say somebody's swapping my panel with a hot knuckle. You're the fire eater, aren't you? I beg your pardon? I said you're the fire eater, aren't you? If Robson's a name, come right on in and join me. I'm just having a couple lighter fluids. Hey, tell me, how long have you been a fire eater? Practically all my life, son. When I was six weeks old, I burped and set my crib on fire. I see. And son, being a fire eater affected my way of living. Such as? My favorite cartoon is Ella Senders. My favorite movie is Forever Ember. And your favorite radio comedian? Jack Benny. Benny? He burns me up. That's a joke, son. I know, Mr. Robson. Well, laugh it up. Don't just stand there flicking my flint. Question, why did you join the carnival? Well, a long time ago, son, I was in love with a girl. She left me and joined the carnival, and I didn't see her for several years. I see. So you decided to join a carnival, too? Yes, sir. I wanted to be near my old flame. So long. So long. So long. So long. So long now. Corny guy, but he does as best as he can. Well, here's the next house. I guess the two-headed man is in. He's looking out the door and the window at the same time. Yeah, me boy, that I am. But today we're not speaking. What are you mad about? What am I mad about? Me boy, we had watermelon for lunch, and it happened again. What happened again? He ate the watermelon, and all he had to spit out the seeds. Not only that, but his dandruff keeps falling on my shoulder. Well, do you mind if I talk to your other head? You can try if you want to, but he's been moody all day. Well, I'll try. Hello? Howdy, Bob. Would you mind answering a few questions? Don't mind providing John will keep quiet. Oh, is that his name? John? Yep, I'm John's other head. What? Oh, pretty good. You can send me out in the rain, Bob. I'm a slicker. That's a fine sense of yours. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. I'm warning you, John, stay out of this. I'll knock your block off. Oh, so you're going to knock me block off? That's what I said. I'll keep your nose out of me. Wait up, man. That's what you do so far, you like that. That's true, man. You have to eat together, sleep together, and live together. Not after tomorrow morning. What? When I shave, it'll be push, pull, click, click, and I'll be all alone. Well, look, I only came in here to ask you a question. Why did you join the carnival? Well, I'll tell you, John, with the price of what they are today, we had a work where we could make the most money. The most money? Why? We've got two mouths to feed. Good day to you. Good day. Good day to you. Thank you, sir. That should happen. Well, here's the next house I wonder who lives here. Well, who are you? I'm the fat lady. Oh, yes, we've never seen you in New York. How did you get out here to the coast? Oh, I came here on the TWA bus. Wait a minute. Another TWA is an airplane. It flies. Not when I'm on it. Oh, yes, yes. Well, for a fat lady, you sure are cute. Lovely and gay, she's a whale. Now tell me, why did you join the carnival? I didn't. They joined me. Goodbye. Goodbye. Well, for Ali, I wonder who lives here. And it's the geek. Well, I might as well ask him to. Pardon me, are you the geek? Uh, yeah, I'm the geek. I'm the most inhuman ferocious monster in captivity. Well, tell me, geek, where were you captured? In full expacement. In full expacement? What were you doing down there? I was buying Chanel number five. I stank. Well, tell me, geek, why did you join the carnival? I told you. I was captured. What are you doing all right with the carnival? Yeah, they give me $10 a week and all the people I can eat. You, you eat people? Yeah. Won't you come in? Of course, now, but you're kidding. You don't really eat people. Sure, I do. There's a girl in Plainfield going to send me two out of her deep freeze. What? Goodbye. By a 50% margin over any other brand, independent tobacco experts named Lucky Strike first choice. Lucky Strike First Choice. Back of that statement is an impartial crossley pole just completed in 11 southern tobacco states. 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Remember, by a 50% margin over any other brand, independent tobacco experts named Lucky Strike, first choice. Lucky Strike, first choice. Good night everybody. This is NBC, the national broadcasting company.