 RCA Victor, world leader at radio, first in recorded music and first in television, presents transcribed the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. For your enjoyment, here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show, written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet. With Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Jeanine Rousse, and Whitfield, Walter Scharf and his music, and yours truly, Bill Foreman. A lot of people think Phil Harris is irresponsible and not a man to rely on. Tonight, Phil has given a responsibility, and he proves that what people think is more about that later. But first, just listen to a portion of Dinah Shore's latest RCA Victor recording. Yes, it's Dinah Shore singing the blues to life again. And Dinah's recordings of eight blues classics are yours on two new 45 extended play records that make up volumes one and two of RCA Victor's new albums, Dinah Shore Sings the Blues. You can add both one record albums to your blues collection tomorrow. The easiest and best way to play all your 45 records is on RCA Victor's new Victrola 45 Attachment. It's the simplest, surest, automatic record player ever made. Records slip on the large center spindle so easily, you can load up to 14 45 extended play records with one hand for almost two hours of music. And because RCA Victor's 45 has the changing mechanism inside the spindle, records change from the center the modern way. The automatic Victrola 45 Attachment brings you all of the advantages of the 45 RPM system at an amazingly low price. In fact, there's no other automatic changer within twice the price. See and try the automatic Victrola 45 record players at your RCA Victor dealers tomorrow. And now the stars of the RCA Victor program, Alice Faye and Phil Harris. Last week, little Phyllis Harris and her girlfriends started a new club called the Little Mothers Helpers Club. The purpose of the club is to teach girls to become useful citizens and to fit themselves for their future roles as housewives and mothers. Since joining, Phyllis has taken it upon herself to run the entire household, much to Phil's dismay. Alice, what's that kid trying to prove? She's just trying to prove that she can take care of a household. And so far, I think she's doing very well. Oh, she's doing splendidly. Yesterday, she insisted on making my bed. Did she make a good bed? I wouldn't know. I never did find the entrance to the darn bed. Phil, the child is doing her best. After all, she has to practice these things. They're teaching her and she's learning very useful things like how to make a bed, how to apply first aid. Yeah, wait a minute. I know all about that first aid. She can't wait for somebody to get hurt. Oh, now, Phil, that's not true. Oh, it isn't, huh? For the past three mornings, she's been standing next to me while I'm shaving. Just waiting. While you're imagining things, Phyllis certainly would never... Oh, Daddy! What do you want? Here's your razor. Let's go in and shave. Look, will you get away from me? You're a nice kid, but I ain't gonna be no blood-letter. How can you do this to me? I'm a good child. I do everything you and Mommy asked me to. I do my homework every night. I wash the dishes for Mommy. I read the bunnies to you every Sunday. And I let you dig into my piggy bank when you've got a hot one going at Santa Anita. Look, Phyllis, I'm not... Father, why do you hate me? I don't hate you. I like you. I like you. Then why won't you shave for me? Because I already shaved. Excuses, excuses. That's all I ever get. Oh, the anguish of it all, the torment, the mental suffering that I have to put up with. Oh, it's enough to make a woman lose her faith in men. Phyllis, you're overdoing it. Let her go. She acts good. Sounds like a scene you did in Rose of Washington Square. Oh, I'll never forget that scene. Tyrone Power had just jilted you and you were standing under a lamp post. When Donna Meachie came along selling hot chestnuts. He took you in his arms and as he cut you... Alright, Phil. Now the least you can do is to be a good father and help your child. I'm willing to help her. Then you shave for me. I'll get you a nice dull blade. Daddy, I think you're being very selfish. I agree with her. Oh, you're ganging up on me, huh? Just because I refuse to cut myself, I'm being selfish. Well, I ain't gonna do it and nobody's... I'll get it. The things your family expects you to do for them. Why did I ever have children? Why did I ever get married? Because you were broken. Alice had money. Can I answer your question, Curly? Yeah, Elliot. Alright, come on in. What's new, Curly? Oh, nothing much. My daughter and my wife want me to cut my throat. I can see their point. You don't wear well. I guess they're getting bored with you. Alright, Elliot. They're not getting bored with me. To them, I'm just as lovable as I ever was. Oh, hello, Elliot. Hello, Alice. Hi, Phyllis. Here's a razor. Go shave yourself. I'll get the bandages in case you cut yourself. What makes you think I'll cut myself? With your shaky hands, it's eight to five, you know. You look like you need a shave, Uncle Elliot. What are you talking about? I just shaved before I come over here. It isn't very close. If I shaved any closer, I'd cut myself and bleed. Would you do that for me? Curly, this is none of my business. But why does your child want my blood? She's studying to become a vampire? Elliot, she just wants to practice first aid. An excellent idea. Curly, you ought to help your child. It's up to a father to teach you these things. But Daddy doesn't want to help me. Then I'll help you, dear. I'll teach you everything my father taught me. No, you don't. They don't give nothing for marking a deck of cards. They don't know how to get out of a pair of handcuffs without a key or sliding in and out of basement windows and all that. There are other things that Daddy taught me. Practical things that will make you a social success, such as how to gracefully retrieve your false teeth from a bowl of onion soup. How to fan a saucer of hot tea with your hat so it looks like you're waving goodbye to your hostess. That's enough, Emily. I got one more. How to make a martini no hands. Will you stop? I'm not... No hands? Well, you can explain that one to me. It might come in handy, old buddy. Now, fellas, please, you're not helping Phyllis at all. I'll answer that. Phyllis, you'd better come along with me. I don't think your uncle Elliot can teach you anything that's going to help you. Hello? Oh, hello, Mrs. Stewart. Certainly, I'll be glad to. No, it's no trouble at all. No, don't bother. I'll come over and get him. Goodbye. What did Mrs. Stewart want, Mommy? Well, she has to go out shopping and she asked me if I'd take care of her baby. Oh, goodie! Mommy, let me take care of him. Oh, wait. I'll let you help me. Come on, we'll go over and get him. How do you take care of a baby? Oh, there's nothing to it, honey. If he gets hungry, you feed him. If he gets restless, you play with him. And if he gets sleepy, you sing to him. Like this. When your heart is full of love, you're nine feet tall. And you're tall, so very tall. Oh, you're no bigger than my thumb. Than my thumb. Than my thumb. Than my thumb. Than my thumb. Than my thumb. Sweet Thumbelina, don't be glum. Don't be glum. Now, now, now. Come, come, come. Thumbelina dance. Thumbelina sing. Thumbelina, what's the difference if you're very small? When your heart is full of love, you're nine feet tall. Thumbelina. Thumbelina. Tiny little thing. Thumbelina dance. Thumbelina sing. Thumbelina, what's the difference if you're very small? When your heart is full of love, you're nine feet tall. Now, once more, Curly. Remember what I told you. It's all in your balance. That's it. Now you're getting it. Oh, Elliot, it's no use. I guess I'm just one of them clumsy people who can't make a martini no hand. I guess you can't. Well, you might as well put your shoes on. Forget the whole thing. Gee, I'd give anything if I could curl my big toe around the rim of the glass like you do. It takes years of study and self-denial. Hey, maybe you could teach it to Alice. You know, she's pretty clever. Oh, fail, look what I just got. Look. A new baby. Alice, why didn't you tell me, dude? And to think I let you chop the firewood last night. Elliot, have a cigar. Honey, let me hold our baby. Fail, look, this baby. Aw, isn't he sweet? And he looks just like me. He's got the same curly hair, same blue eyes, same cuddly little body. And here, Elliot, have another cigar. Fail, this isn't our baby. It belongs to the people next door. He ain't my son, but I had plans for him. I was going to send him to college and teach him how to play the drums, and I was, give me back them cigars, Elliot. Too late. I already ate them. What are you doing? What are you doing with this baby, Alice? I feel unmining him for Mrs. Stewart. She had to go shopping and she asked me to take care of little Maryweather. Oh, I thought Maryweather. Who hung that one on him? Fail, isn't he a darling? Oh, you're going to be so much fun taking care of a baby again. And Mrs. Stewart said she'll be back at two o'clock and... Oh, my goodness, I forgot. What's the matter? I have a hairdresser appointment at one o'clock. I should leave now. Go ahead, Mommy. I'll take care of the baby. Yeah, and I'll be here to take care of him, too. I'll take care of the baby. Phil, just let Phil us take care of him. You just keep an eye on things. I won't be too long. Don't worry, honey. We'll take care of everything. Hey, uh, huh? You're a cute little rascal. Hello, Maryweather. Are you Uncle Phil? What's up, baby? What's up, baby? Why does that kid not spit right in your eye? That's the way you're supposed to act with babies. Like an idiot? Talking to a baby like a human being. Hey, kid, how'd you like to hear Banjo's solo? Oh, that's all the kid needs, a left-handed, eddy-pee body. We should entertain the kid. I've got an idea. What? I'll give him a shake. Put down that rake! He's carrying a bucket now. What's the matter with you? We just want the kid to go to sleep. Well, let me play my Banjo. The music will put him to sleep. Maybe you're right. Look, I got an idea. You play the Banjo, I'll accompany you on the drums, and we'll sing a lullaby. I'm ready? Let's go. Snitzelbaum. He don't even like it. Look, kid, will you stop crying? Will you? Please stop crying. Phyllis, how do you stop this kid? Phyllis. Phyllis, where'd she go? As soon as we started singing, she ran out of here holding her ears. What are we going to do to keep this kid quiet, baby? He looks like something hurts the kid. He's making faces and he's drooling. Hey, wait a minute. I bet I know what's wrong. He must be teething. That's the way my kids acted when they were teething. We'll do for it. Kid, will you stop crying, kid? Hey, wait a minute. I remember. Alice used to rub some brandy on the kid's gums. It kills the pain. Okay, Curly, get... What was that again? You rub brandy on the gums. If you say so. Look, I'll just dip my finger in the brandy and rub it on the kid's gums. Curly. You can't put your finger in the baby's mouth. It's not sanitary. How do we get the brandy in his mouth? Easy. Give me a bottle. Here you are, kid. Take a swig. Clear it. What's the matter? Are you crazy or something? We can't let the baby swallow any of this. How are we going to do it? How are we going to get this brandy in that kid's mouth? Maybe load it. Now wait a minute. We're just trying to get him to take a little brandy. We ain't going to roll him. Now leave us alone. He's in pain and we're trying to help him. Can't you see he's teething? Oh, I get it. You're just using the brandy to rub on his gums. That's right. We just... On his what? Gums. Gums. The things that hold his tooth in. I don't think I care to pursue this any further. No, I'll just soon drop in here. Yes, let's do it. What makes you guys think the kid's teething? What else would he be crying for? He's probably... Julius may be right. We got to give that baby something deep, but what? What do you feed a kid this age? You got me. How about some milk? Or is that a dirty word to you guys? No. Milk is for a newborn baby. This kid's six months old. He needs something more nourishing. Why don't you just give him a salami and Swiss cheese sandwich? Now you're talking. I am. Hey, yeah. I'll make him a salami and Swiss cheese sandwich on white bread. And then I'll put some pickle on it and some A1 sauce. And man, this kid will really live. Not for long. Curly, why don't you mind you can't feed a baby then? Why not? White bread is fattening. This kid's fattening up. Okay, so you're right. I'll put it on right crisp. That ought to thin him out a little. Come on, let's go in the kitchen and get started. Fellas, I was only kidding. You don't feed that kind of stuff to a baby. Then what do you feed him? Give him some soft, like strained squash or mashed tinners. Look, this baby is my guest and nobody eats like a pig in my eye. This kid is going to have nothing but the best. We'll brawl him a lobster, open a couple of jars of caviar, heat up a little beef stroganoff and that kid will be on his way. Fellas, you can't feed him rich food like that. Alright, maybe he's right, Elliot. Let's be on the safe side and give him some milk. Okay, it's his stomach, not mine. I'll help you. You got a bottle in the nipple? No, no, we ain't had one of them around in years. Hey, Elliot, run down to the baby shop and get a bottle in the nipple. What size nipple? Kids got a small mouth. Well, you got me now. Hey, wait a minute, maybe I'd better go with you and we'll take the baby along for a fitting. Wait, have a nipple fitting? Julius, I don't care what you ain't never heard of. Now come on, Maryweather, we're going for a little ride. One time there was a mountaineer who felt so mighty brave. He took his trusty gun and went into a dark, dark cave. The reason for his venture was a story that he'd heard about a bad, ferocious creature called a Jabberwocky bird. Now when he got in that dreary cave, our hunter saw sight. The Jabberwock had seven heads and each one was a fright. He turned around and headed home, running all the way. And to all the folks who waited there, the mountaineer did say, it was brilliant and the slide they told it, there was a guy in gimbal in the wave. Oh, Mimsy, where the border grogs and the mommy wrasse out grave. Oh, Frapp's day, calooka lay and from his band or snatch. My aim was spoiled by seven heads, but that bird I will catch. Then back again into the cave that mountaineer did go. But how he'd finally get that bird he really didn't know. This time the mountaineer was armed with knives and traps and bait. He had to catch that Jabberwocker meter sorry fate. Inside the cave that gruesome bird confronted him once more. The mountaineer had seven fits and fell right to the floor. He offered up a hasty prayer and murmured, it's the end. But seven Jabberwocker heads says, can't we please be friends. We'll brillig in the slide, the toes and guy in gimbal in the wave. Will Mimsy and the border grogs and the mommy wrasse out grave. Oh, Frapp's day, calooka lay and from his band or snatch. The mountaineer says, you mean we're pals and seven heads said, natch. The mountaineer just shook his head. He couldn't trust his ears. The Jabberwocker's seven pairs of eyes were filled with tears. The ugly bird broke down and sobbed, which made me like this. And Jabberwocker, I must be until a man I kiss. The mountaineer could not resist the bird's unhappy plea. He bravely puckered up his lips and said, you'll soon be free. They kissed and seven heads became just one of golden curls. The ugly Jabberwocker was then the prettiest of girls. They brillig in the slide, the toes and guy in gimbal in the wave. They Mimsy, then the border grogs and the mommy wrasse out grave. Oh, Frapp's day, calooka lay and from his band or snatch. That couple now have seven kids and that is quite a batch. Lay it over here. Just put your packages on the table next to mine. All right. I'm glad we're home. All these packages were heavy. Yeah. You ought to be happy, though. We sure bought that kid a lot of nice toys, huh? Hey, look at that teddy bear. Look at all this giraffe. Hey, where's that elephant we bought? I tied him up outside. Hey, Curly, maybe we ought to feed the baby first. Where's the bottle in the nipple? I got it right here. Now, you can win and warm up some milk and I'll get little Mary. Mary. Elliot. Sir? Where's the baby? I haven't got him. I gave the baby to you in the store. So you did. I must have left him on a counter. How can you leave a baby on a counter? Come on. We better get back to that store before they sell him. Well, Elliot, this is the counter where you left the baby, but he ain't here. I don't see him any place. Let's ask the clerk. She ain't around. No, she isn't. Is she? Elliot, get out of that cash register. I'm just looking for the kid. Come on, let's find the clerk and ask her... Wait a minute, Curly. Women. You see that woman standing over there with the baby? Yeah. That's our baby. How you know? I can tell by what he's wearing. It's got on a blue hat, blue sweater, and blue booties. I got a swan our kid was wearing a derby. No, it must have been a bum. Wait a minute. You know something, Elliot? That is our kid. Let's go get him. All right, lady, let's have the kid. I'll make your part. I said, let's have the kid. We left this baby on the counter and you picked him up. You would have be ashamed of yourself. Shoplifting a baby. Now, let's have the kid. I will not. Shall I bash her once? No, no. No, no, no violence. We can help it. Look, lady, are you going to give us this baby or aren't you? No, I'm not. Okay, Elliot, call the police. I don't know if they'll come if I call them, but I'll try. Police? Police? Louder. Police? We'll show you, lady. You know, there are places for people who try to steal babies. Bill, how could you and Elliot do such a silly thing? All right, honey, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Fortunately, Mrs. Stewart happened to go into the baby shop, saw her child on the counter and took him home. Well, how was I supposed to know that? I thought that other dame was kidnapping Mary Weather. That's why we call the cops. Oh, you fellow, go never learn. Well, I can't stand around and talk to you too any longer. See you later. Okay, honey, bye. Oh, Alice. What? Ask the jailer if we can have a television set in our cell. We don't want to miss Liberace. Alice and Bill will be back in just a moment. Wherever you go, you can take your favorite radio programs right along with you on RCA Victor's new Aristocrat of Portables, the Globetrotter. It's the perfect companion for all your outings. It operates on battery, AC, or DC current, and it brings in stations far beyond the range of ordinary portables. The compact Globetrotter is perfectly balanced, easy to take, whether you're traveling or just relaxing around home. And wait till you see how handsome its dove gray plastic case is. Here is a portable you'll be proud to be seen with, and one you'll enjoy listening to thanks to RCA Victor's famous Golden Throat, the finest tone system ever devised. See the exciting new Globetrotter portable at your RCA Victor dealers tomorrow. Remember, RCA Victor has the pick of the portables. And remember too, for best performance possible, use RCA batteries in your portable radios. RCA makes batteries for almost every make and model portable radio, and for farm radios too. So when your radio's batteries are weak or worn out, replace them with fresh RCA batteries. Dependable RCA batteries are radio engineered for extra listening hours. This is Phil again. The American Cancer Society is conducting its drive for funds during the month of April. By contributing, you will help to continue and expand its vast research program, which seeks new methods and techniques for diagnosing and treating cancer. Give generously for this worthy cause. Thanks, and good night, everyone. Good night, everybody. Included in this program, transcribed with Barbara Eiler and Jerry Hausler, a part of Julius was played by Walter Tethlin. Next, hear Theatre Guild on the Air over NBC, the national broadcasting company.