 the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. For your enjoyment, here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show, written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Janine Roos and Whitfield, Walter Sharpen is music, yours truly Bill Forman, and starring Alice Faye and Phil Harris. Last week, Phil went to see Daryl Zanuck at 20th Century Fox to find out why he hasn't been used in another picture. Mr. Zanuck told him what. This was quite a blow to Phil's ego, but he's not taking it lying down. Oh, what does Zanuck know? Just what did Mr. Zanuck tell you, Philip? Well, he said my acting was neither fish nor foul. I disagree with him. I think your acting is as foul as anybody's. Alice, didn't we originally hire him as a straight man? Oh, Phil, Mr. Zanuck did tell you that if a small comic part ever comes up, he'll use you. Well, that's my point. Why wait for a small comic part? Why don't he use me as a dramatic actor? They're looking for good dramatic actors. But you haven't had any experience in dramatic parts. Apparently, my dear, there are things in my past which are totally unaware to you. That I don't doubt. But what's it got to do with acting? Well, you don't know it, but when I was young, I traveled with a stock company. What did you do in stock? I'm glad you asked that. For three years, I played the title role in The Drunkard. For this, of course, you didn't need any rehearsal. I'll have you know that the part was repugnant to me. I hated every moment of it. And because of all the drinking I had to do, I gave up the part. But Phil, in all those drinking scenes on the stage, they usually use tea. Why didn't they let you use tea? They wanted me to. But being a student of the Stan and Vlopsky School of Drama, I often wondered why you never changed his name. I insisted on realism. Now, Xanac won't even give me a chance at drama because he thinks of me as a comedian. Why? What kind of a question is that? He thinks of me as a comedian because he listens to my show every Sunday. Yes, but how does that make him think of you as a comedian? Well, if you keep telling all the jokes, nobody's going to think of me as a comedian. Phil, how are you going to make Mr. Xanac aware of your dramatic ability? I got that all figured out. He listens to our program every week. So this week, instead of a comedy show, we're going to do a dramatic show. I've called the special rehearsal of the cast, the orchestra, and the writers. They're waiting for us at NBC now. You can break it up. All right, let's break it up now, huh? Break it up. This is not the Finlandia steam room. Now break it up. Let's have it quiet. Quiet. Now, gentlemen, I have a very important announcement to make, and I... Remli, I hate to disturb you, but what are you doing? I'm manicuring my nail. Do that on your own time. I'll put your shoes back on and pay attention. Gentlemen, I have something important to say to you. There's something wrong with the band, and I'm going to do something about it. We accept your resignation. We hate to see you go into retirement after 30 years of faithful service, Curly. But that's life. Here's a gold watch. Now get lost. I ain't resigning and nobody's taken my place. Let me see the watch. Now sit down. Okay. What was that? I sat on my guitar. From now on, strum it that way. It sounds better. Now look, I'm the leader here, and I'm entitled to be the leader. After all, when we started 20 years ago, you guys elected me to be the leader, and why? You were the only one who looked good in shoes. That wasn't the only reason. I happen to be the only one in the whole band who can read a note. Oh yeah? Here's a sheet of music. What's this note right here? That ain't the one I know. Oh, here's the note I know. C-sharp. Which one is C-sharp? This black dot with the tic-tac-toe game in front of it. Now from now on, there's going to be a different type of music on this show. I'm going to do a dramatic program, and I'm going to need dramatic music. And in view of that, I want you fellas to look a little more respectable. From now on, I want you all to show up in full dress. Full dress? Yes. Shirt, shoes, and pants. You mean we can't come to rehearsal in our underwear no more? No. I don't mind so much during the summer. But in the winter, with all you guys sitting around in them red flannels, I feel like I'm conducting 28 lobsters. Hey, Curly, what do you mean we're going to do a dramatic show? That's what I said. I called the writers Monday and I told them to do a dramatic script, and I, hey, by the way, Alice, where are the writers? They didn't show up. Them two guys never show up. They've been working for me for four years, and I ain't even met them yet. Just because they went to college, they think that they're better than I am. And I'm going out to their house and tell them off, right? Bill, be careful. Writers are very temperamental. And besides, it says in their contract that you're not allowed anywhere near their house. I don't care. I pay them a fortune every week, and I've got a right to talk to them. Now, where do they live, Alice? I don't know. I'll drive you out, Curly. I know where they live. Okay, come on. You better come to, Alice. But, Bill, I ought to rehearse my song. You can rehearse on the way out. But I'll need the band. We'll put them in the trunk rack. They look like a bunch of old bags anyway. And I hope whatever you've got to do is something that can be done by two. For I'd really like to stay. It's a lovely day today. And whatever you've got to do, I'd be so happy to be doing it with you. But if you've got something that must be done, and it can only be done by one, there is nothing more to say. Except it's a lovely day for staying. It's a lovely day. It's a lovely day, no matter. Summer, winter or fall. It's a lovely day. So whatever you've got to do, you've got a lovely day. And I hope whatever you've got to do is something that can be done by two. For I'd really like to stay. It's a lovely day. It's a lovely day. And whatever you've got to do, I'd be so happy to be doing it with you. But if you've got something that must be done, and it can only be done by one, there is nothing more. It's a lovely day for staying. It's a lovely day. Two riders have a beautiful home. Yeah, they've got a bigger house than I've got. Than you've got, I mean. Where do I see those guys? Alice, ring the bell. That won't be necessary. They're always in fact by the pool. Come on, we'll go around the side way. Gold flagstone. And rhinestone moss. These got, hey, wait a minute, Remly. You knew where the riders live. You knew they always are around the pool. And you knew how to get here. You know, I'm beginning to see why you get more jokes on this show than I do. You've been playing up to the riders. Please, Curly. I'm not the kind of person who'd couch out anyone just to get a favor. I never saw these guys. I've never been here before and watched that third step. It's been loose for a couple of weeks. I thought you said you'd never been here before. I haven't. I just happened to notice that it was loose. Hey, I wonder if those two fellas by the pool are the riders. I'll ask them. Pardon me, gentlemen. Are you the riders? No, you're back, Remly. You're getting negligent. You left this morning without making my bed. I'm sorry, Mr. Chevrolet. And in the future, Remly, when you wash the breakfast dishes, get the egg off the plate. Yes, Mr. Singer. Never saw them before, huh, Remly? Just because I'm their housekeeper. No mean I know them. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Of all the underhanded double-dealing tricks. You, Remly, who are these people? I happen to be Phil Harris. Who? Phil Harris, your boss. Shh, not so loud. You don't want the neighbors to know. Why, if they find out we're writing for Phil Harris, we'll be drummed out of Beverly Hills. Look, I want to talk to you, guys. What is on your insignificant little mind? Well, I've got something to tell you. You want to tell us? No, I don't. Well, I've got something to tell you. You want to tell us? Oh, the temerity of the bourgeoisie. It's deplorable when a megalomaniac dares to transgress the inner sanctum of the intelligentsia. I'd give eight dollars if I knew what they were saying so I could get in on them. Go on, Phil. Tell them all. Well, I'm waiting for them to get one word in. I understand. Then I'll let them have it. Listen, you hack writers, I've taken about all I'm going to take from you. Now, please, how dare you raise your voice to your intellectual superior. Step aside, Richard, and I'll pierce him with my five-bitter cappa pin. Harris, you have a lot of nerve coming here, and we'll thank you to keep your place. Otherwise, we shall not even condescend a talk to such riff-raff. Now, just a minute. Why a riff I'm fleeing to rap? Look, you guys, I came over here to tell you that I don't like the script this week. I don't believe anybody asks you for your opinion. You mean I can't even question the script? Yours not to question why, yours but to do the jokes and die. But those jokes aren't better off dead. Look, fellas, won't you please write me a new script for Sunday? You see, I don't want to do a comedy show anymore. I want to do a dramatic program. You want to do a dramatic show? Who do you think you are, sunny tufts? Well, I can do it because I'm a good actor. I have got the drama in my blood. Prove it. Bleed me a short scene. I will not. Are you guys going to write this dramatic show for me or not? No. Novel excuses we have work to do. Yes, come along, Richard. We must finish the Amos and Andy script. They're writing the Amos and Andy show too? All right, Lambo, Curly, we don't need them to write your show. Then who's going to write it for Sunday? You and me. Ow, ow, ow. We can do it. Frankie and me don't need writers. Of course not. Curly and me can ad-lib the show for Sunday. You're certainly right and we're all great ad-libbers. The both of us, we can ad-lib and we'll show you. All right, we'll open the show like this. Hiya, Frankie. What's the matter? Say something. I'm stuck. I can't think of anything. You better let me start, Curly. Okay, you start. Hiya, Curly. I see what you mean. It's tougher as it goes along, don't it? Well, maybe we better get writers. No, we don't need writers. Maybe we can't ad-lib, but we can put it on paper. Especially that dramatic stuff. That's essential. Yeah, it ought to be. Now, let me see. What kind of a dramatic thing would impress Daryl Zannick? You know, he's pretty clever. He's got, hey, wait a minute. Daryl produced all about Eve. If we can only write something like that. Why write something like it? Why don't we steal it the way it is? Well, as you can't steal it. Besides the most important roles in All About Eve are played by women. I can rewrite All About Eve so it'll fit men. You can? Yeah. Okay, now you go home and get to work on it, because I want to have it ready for a dress rehearsal at NBC tonight. Right. Quiet on the stage, everybody. Quiet. As you all know, this is to be a dramatic show from now on. And I expect everyone to act in a dignified manner befitting. Well, I must compliment you boys in the band on your appearance. You look splendid in your tuxedos. What tuxedo? We painted our underwear black. That's as dressed as I'll ever get them. Remly, did you pass the scripts out to the cast? Yeah, we were one actor short, but I got somebody to play the part. Okay, now listen, everybody. We're going to do the male version of All About Eve. Now, in the picture, Betty Davis plays the part of a great Broadway star. And Anne Baxter is a young, scheming actress who gradually eases Betty out. She does this seramniciously. Now, Frankie will play the part that was done by Anne Baxter. And I will play the role created by Betty Davis. Never mind. Now, let's do the play. Mr. Foreman, the introduction, please. Ladies and gentlemen, we take great pleasure in presenting the Philip Harris players in All About Clyde. From Hollywood, the Locke's Dramatic Theatre. Tonight, we proudly present the male version of the Academy Award nominee, All About Eve, starring Philip Harris and Francis Waldo Remly. But first, a word from our sponsor. Help! Get me out of there! Julius, what are you doing here? I asked him to come down and play the extra part. Oh, you picked on a good boy. Now, Julius, I'll let you play it. But remember, this is a serious play, and I want you to do this in your best dramatic voice, with perfect diction. Yes, couldn't I made a better church? He'll be all right. All right, then. Now, let's get on with the play. Music, please. My name is Fargo Channing. I am an actor. They call me the Darling of Broadway. Darling. This year, the critics awarded me the Lydia Pinkham Trophy. I've received this bottle for being the best juvenile in the theater. I have won this same award every year for the past 50 years. Right now, I have just concluded my 4,000th performer. My 4,000th... It's opening night. This is my dressing room talking to the author of my play, Miss Myrtle Richards. I watched your performance from the wings tonight, Fargo. Wasn't I sensational, Myrtle? I think I gave the greatest performance of my career. It had fire, death, feeling. Tell me, Darling... I had fire, death, feeling. Darling, what did you think of my performance? Eh. How dare you stand there and say, eh? The audience loved me. Every person in the theater jumped up and down and stomped and waved their arms. And why? Why? Somebody turned the heat off and they were trying to keep warm. Oh. Well, if I wasn't well-received, it was only because of the dribble that you wrote for me. I have seen better dialogue on the wall of a marine barracks. Now, please, dear, let's not quarrel. You know I love you. And I love you, too. I owe whatever I am to you. Without you, Darling, I am nothing. They'll stick to the play. This is the play. This is the play. Myrtle, tell me honestly, why didn't you like my performance tonight? Well, let's face it, Fargo. You're getting a little too old to play the young lover. God, zoops and little fishes, I am not old. And it makes me mad to hear people call me old. I am the greatest actor the theater has ever known. And I want you... Oh, stop it. I'm tired of your mad outburst. You're nothing but a paranoic. That's a lie. I never started a fire in my life. And I'm not old and I can prove it. Ask my wardrobe mistress. She's been with me since I started. Oh, Bertie. Bertie, come in here, Bertie. Keep your cradle on. I'm coming. What do you want? Bertie, you're my closest friend. How old am I? Let's see. When you were 16, you were the drummer boy at the Battle of Getty's, boy. Now, never mind. By the way, boss, there's a stage truck young boy outside who wants to see you. Is that the one who'd been lying out in the alley for six weeks? The very one. We'll hit him with a can of cold tomato juice and rush him in there. Very well. Hello, my boy. Golly, it's Fargo Channing. Just think I'm in the same room with Fargo Channing, the greatest dramatic star since sliding Billy Watson. I idolize you, Mr. Channing. You do? Come in and sit down, my boy. I say, boy. Tell me all about yourself. Well, sir, my name is Clyde Harrington. It all started four years ago. I was 16 and I worked in the brewery. I was a foam flicker. What? I didn't like working in a brewery. So I quit. Keep it believable, Remly. If you ever worked in a brewery, you'd never quit. As I was saying, my greatest ambition was to be on the stage, but mother wouldn't let me. Then, two years later, when my poor old mother went to jail, I came to New York. Your mother went to jail? I framed her. At this point, I took a shine to this life. There was something likable about this little mother frame. Continue, Clyde. From then on, I followed your career. The first time I saw you in a play was in San Francisco. I sat there enthralled, listening to your every inflection, watching your every move. And when the curtain came down, I said to myself, this is an actor? Drop that question, Mark. Well, anyway, I've been to every performance in your present play, and tonight, I saw your four thousandth performance. When I heard that, I knew I had to watch this boy. He could say four thousandth performance, and I couldn't. Well, now, Clyde, do you still wish to be on the stage? Oh, no, ma'am. I don't want to be on the stage. I just want to be near Mr. Channing. Watch it, boss. I don't trust this crumb bum. I think he's trying to take your place. Now, how can you say that, Bertie? This lad idolizes me. That's right, Mr. Channing. I wouldn't do anything to hurt you. Why, sir, I worshipped a very ground I wish you were under. And so far go Hyde, Clyde Harrington. It was all taken in by their sweet smooth talk and think, but not me. If you now think myself, I can see through it. Why, Harrington was nothing but a low-down double-crossin' connive and rat. And sure enough, typical Frankie Remley. He started to take over. He copied Fargo's walk. He copied his talk. And finally, he copped his guile. I'll never forget the day that Clyde, in his own subtle way, became Fargo's understudy. Mr. Channing, sir, I have bad news for you. Your understudy died last night. How horrible! What happened? Somebody poisoned his warm milk. Who would do a thing like that? I have no idea, sir. But here, taste this milk and see if I made it warm enough. I don't feel like drinking any milk. You're fighting me. Please, I just came out of a hot bath. Hand me a towel so I can dry myself. Why bother with a towel, sir? Just sit out on the fire escape. The cold, wintry wind will dry you in no time. No thanks. You talked me into that last week, and I was almost arrested for indecent exposure. Sometimes I think you're trying to get rid of me just so you can take my place. Oh, nonsense, sir. Here, drink this warm milk and collapse. I mean, relax. All right, I'll... wait. Warm milk? That's what my understudy died from. Plied. Why is this last lined with lead? Is there something in this milk? Of course not, sir. This milk is perfectly all right, and I'll prove it. I'll pour it down the kitchen sink. I told you it was all right. Just a little too warm. Look at it. The sink, the pipes, and half the kitchen floor are gone. Look at the hole it left. Watch your step, sir. You might fall into it. I won't if you'll stop pushing me. You better stop pushing me. Look out. I'm falling through that hole. I'm falling. Yes, he pushed me. And I broke my leg. Not having a spare. As my understudy, Clyde took my place in the show. He was an instant success. And from then on, he replaced me completely. He went up and up and up. And I went down and down and down until one day... Oh, you were sensational tonight, Clyde, darling. Thank you, Myrtle, dear. No wonder they gave me the Carter Little Liver Award. Just think, tonight I've completed my 4,000th performance. 4,000th? Oh, no. Now I can't say it. Oh, you're getting too old for this part, Clyde. I'm not getting too old. I'm not. I'll call my wardrobe mistress in and prove it. Fargo? Oh, Fargo? Yes, master? Tell Myrtle I'm still young. Well, you must be, sir. You've just received your draft notice. It says, greetings. You are ordered to report to your local draft board. Signed, John Hancock, Thomas Jefferson, Jack Benjamin. All right. By the way, sir, there's a strange, stuck young boy waiting in the alley to see you. To see me? Well, don't stand there, Fargo. Send the lad in. Yes, sir. You may come in, son. Hello, son. Who are you? My name is Phoebe. I'm a fan of yours, and I think you're the greatest actor in the world, and I want to work for you. What do you say? See, that's your bum. That's how I got the job. This is Phil again. In this time of national emergency, the Red Cross becomes more than ever a part of our daily life. The Red Cross has been charged by the government with vast responsibilities in training in coordination of the National Blood Program as part of our mobilization for defense. This is possible because you give to the Red Cross, and this is the time to put Red Cross in your budget. Give now, give generously. Good night, everybody. Good night, everybody. Theatre Guild presents the hasty heart later now head a hopper on NBC.