 What is trust? Well, we oftentimes think of trust in the form of fidelity, but I really want to go deeper with the idea of trust and to see if we can recognize the early signs of when you can trust a man. Because trust to me has more to do with does this person have my best interest at heart? Do they have my best interest at heart? That's really like when you can surrender to another person because they have your best interest at heart. I think that's a critical sign for building trust with another human being. So we're going to dive into this conversation. I actually saw this title on one of my contemporaries, Steven Speaks. And he shot this same video with the five early signs. And it occurred to me that his content was really valuable. It really was valuable. And it occurred to me that, and I've been saying almost the exact, like a different version of the same thing for years. So when there is a truth, it's a universal truth. So we're going to dive into seven early signs that you can trust a man. Now, first I have to send quickly a text message. Sorry about that. Turns out I need help with lighting really quickly. So we're going to dive into the seven, seven signs, early signs you can trust a guy. And we're going to dive right in with the first one. And I like the way Steven narrated this. Do you know, when you go and buy a car from a company like any company, they have a health check on the car and they call this like car facts. And I like that he called it a love facts, okay? A love facts. And what that means is to actually look at, get a sense of his past relationship experience to get a sense if he has good patterns, he has good relationship history with his past relationships. I think that's a critically important thing to share with someone to get a sense of their past experience, particularly if they're holding onto any anger, any resentment, any pain, any disgust, any fear over a past relationship. You can actually by asking these questions early in the dating process, you can get a sense if this person has a capacity to be trustworthy. I want you to think about this for a moment. I know I was in experience, I was in a brief relationship with a woman where she told me her ex-husband was a narcissist, the man before was a narcissist, the man after that was a narcissist, and the man after that was a narcissist. And I'm thinking, whoa, she's had a lot of narcissists in her life. And I'm thinking to myself, well, I'm not a narcissist. I know how to apologize. I have empathy. I take ownership for my mistakes in life. And sure enough, I thought, oh, I could be her hero because I'm not a narcissist. And by sure enough, within a few weeks dating, I realized we were a complete mismatch for one another. I think we didn't have the same interests the way we view the world. A lot of things were just not aligned. And so I ended the relationship. What happened next was on Facebook the next day, she said, I ended a relationship with a narcissist. And I thought, holy cow, she telegraphed her past experience in such a way that I should have had the clue that I was next on the list, but I didn't see myself as that person. And so the clues were there very early on. I didn't pay attention. Has that ever happened to you? You've asked about the past relationships. Now I recently shot a couple of videos on when do you ask the tougher questions? Well, it occurs to me that I would say, I would assume that most of you would like to know before you ever go on a first date with somebody that they have their in pain over their past relationship, they're in disgust over their past relationship or maybe they have fear of being in any new relationship with someone. Wouldn't you rather know that before you ever physically go out on a date with someone? And yet most everybody will tell you on a first date, just keep it light, keep it casual. See, we have this adopted, this premise that if everything is light and casual in the beginning, you can build attraction with another person. In fact, we make an assumption as human beings that the more physically attractive a person is and the more financially successful that person is, they are more trustworthy. Isn't that fascinating that the more attractive someone is and the more financially successful someone is, they are more trustworthy. And yet trustworthy has nothing to do with those things. But certainly when you get a sense of their past relationships, you can get a sense if they're holding onto pain, disgust, anger, fear, all these emotions. That's certainly not a good sign for building trust in the future. And certainly if they've had a significant number of bad experiences, that might not so assign that they're good at picking people, but more importantly, that maybe they're the problem in the relationship and you most likely won't be able to build trust with that person. So that's number one. Number two, willingness to communicate and have difficult conversations. You know, many of my clients who go through my bootcamp coaching program learn that you need to ask the tougher questions right from the get go. In fact, I get emails and calls all the time from women who worked with me in my private coaching. Said, Jonathan, I'm asking the tougher questions and it's working. And what they mean by working is they're having deeper conversations with men. These men are opening up more because they're not having these surface level conversations. And while there's no guarantee that this is gonna create success, I want you to think about this. If you speak sincerely from your heart, ask a deeper question than the surface. You can't really say the wrong thing to the right person if it's sincere and from the heart. You really can't do the wrong thing to the right person. Having more difficult conversations sooner rather than later can help you avoid weeks, if not months, if not years of anguish and pain by asking those deeper questions. And merely how do they react to those deeper tougher questions? Speaks volumes in your capacity to build trust with someone. Number three, you feel like you can talk to them. You feel safe with this person. That's certainly a good sign. You feel like you can speak your truth with this person and truth isn't necessarily the truth. Truth is simply how your truth is how you feel about things. When I wrote my book, What the heck is self love anyway? A journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work. By the way, there's a link below to get a copy of my book. And all the books I recommend, there's a link below. Chapter one is speak your truth, do it with kindness. See, I noticed women seem to have duct tape over their mouth. They don't feel like they can talk to the man that they're with for fear that that man might run away. If you're afraid that person's gonna run away, then it's not your, then you don't trust him. I want you to think about this or maybe you don't trust yourself. Maybe that's what it is. You don't trust that you can be yourself. You can't be safe with this person. And if you can't be safe with this person, are they really the right person for you? Now I recognize that trust is built over time. The safety is built over time. Sure, we're not talking about the first, second or third date, we're talking over time. Now another sign that's not, is really I think a really good sign that a person could be trustworthy. I wrote this down. He expresses appreciation frequently. He expresses appreciation frequently. I think a lot of women get caught up in the love bombing which is oftentimes complimenting the person that they're with. I mean, especially when many of us are feeling down, we need validation, we need some loving and support, we can actually get caught up in the compliments believing that that's a reflection of appreciation. But I'm talking about a person that genuinely speaks from a grateful heart. You know, in my most recent relationship and even after the ending of the relationship, I really sat with gratitude and sat with appreciation for all the experiences. And I think when a human being spends more time in gratitude and appreciation, they are more trustworthy versus those human beings that sit in pain, disgust, anger, fear, you know, those energies aren't as trustworthy and our creates more mistrust, okay? Even people who complain a lot, they oftentimes people, I've noticed there's a significant percentage of people that just oftentimes unconsciously complain about things and they're literally positioning themselves to be untrustworthy, okay? Number five, and this is the most obvious of all of them. I know people will talk about this is their actions match their words. Yes, actions matching words is a fundamental piece for building trust. And so in the early stages, when someone says they're gonna meet you at six o'clock on a Friday night, they get there at 5.59, that builds trust. If they say they're going to call, you know, after work, they call after work. They don't have excuses, it's difficult to, because remember, I said trust is about having the other person's best interest at heart. You know, that really, I want you to really sit with that for a second. I've witnessed women go through heartache after heartache after heartache with men that they had no trust with, all they had was an unhealthy attachment to another human being, but there wasn't trust. And trust is demonstrated through the actions matching words. Number six, he shows compassion, generosity, and humility towards other human beings. They show compassion, generosity, and humility to other human beings. Now, let me give you an example of what doesn't count. Okay? Just because a man might tip 20, 25, 30% to a waiter. That doesn't, just because that might seem like a generous person. Money is not the equator of generosity. Money is not the equator of generosity. You know, there was a Seinfeld episode that said, you know you have a good friend when they're willing to help you move furniture, when they're willing to help you move furniture, that's when you know that you have a good friend. I can't remember the Seinfeld episode, I think it was the baseball player who was on, but he goes, well, are you the kind of friend that will help move furniture? And that's a generous act to another human being. Compassion for humans, humility, those are all good signs that a person has the capacity to care about others more than themselves. So coming back to even the, you know, appreciation, it's also recognizing the efforts of others. I think this is a really important factor to pay attention to, and again, let me be clear, it's not about treating the waiter nice. Now that's important, okay, that's an important thing, but don't give a lot of credit for that because that's just kind of a standard operating procedure, SOP as it's known, to be that certain way. But I'm talking about going deeper than the surface. And number seven, and this is critically important, number seven, he respects your boundaries. He respects your boundaries, particularly in two key areas, in two key areas. First is your time. Remember I said earlier before actions matching words? Well, respecting your time is a critical component to this. And so if they say they're going to be somewhere, they respect your time, they value your time, it's not about being on their schedule. People, at these days in the dating marketplace, we see a significant amount of men that they only come from a place of its at their beck and call to spend time with you. A man demonstrates trust by moving things around based on your schedule. And that's certainly a sign that he respects your boundaries. And probably the most critical boundary of all centers around physical intimacy. You know, I'm not here to be a puritan. And certainly I am guilty of what I'm about to say. I'm guilty of really aggressively trying to convince a woman to have sex with me on a first date. I've been driven by my penis, I've been driven by testosterone, I've been driven by dopamine. I believe that that was that feeling of dopamine, that feeling of testosterone. I really thought when I was in a state of lust, when I was in a state of lust, I really thought it was love. I really did. I mean, I'm shocked now looking back at my behavior, but that is the dopamine drops that come from your brain into your body when you feel connected to another human being is beyond intoxicating. It is an addictive feeling. And yet it is not based on true love. So respecting your boundaries. Now here ladies, I'm not here to even remotely suggest you tell a man, give him a timeframe of when sex occurs. That's just a put off when there's an arbitrary number associated with that. I'm here to suggest not put yourself in positions, particularly with alcohol involved, but put yourself in positions where you don't know if he's genuinely trustworthy and you have sex before trust is built. That's all I'm asking here. Allow trust to be built to determine sex. And I've always said it takes about 100 hours of face to face time just to build the first layer of trust. Takes about 100 hours of face to face time. That's a fair amount of time. You know, many of you know who Lewis Houses, he's got the, oh God, it's called the Greatness podcast. Now I just forgot what it's called, School of Greatness. Okay. And he openly shares that in his relationship, and it seems like he's in a fantastic relationship, they had many conscious conversations while they were in the process of getting to know one another. And they waited 30 days before they were physically intimate. Now, I believe in those 30 days, they saw each other somewhere between the neighborhood of seven to 10 dates. I think maybe even more physical time together during that period of time, that one month period of time. But most importantly, they had these serious conversations before they were physically intimate. And while that's not always a guarantee, I will tell you the men that are in it, the men that are in it for the short run, the men that are less likely trustworthy, they are in it to get sex as soon as possible. They compromise your boundaries in these areas of time and boundaries, and they don't demonstrate real trust afterwards because they were more selfish. They were in it for their own best interests. And I just wanna remind everyone, trust isn't just about fidelity, trust is. Does this person have my best interest at heart? That's, I think, a great sign of trust. Is this thinking in, is this resonating? Please let me know if it is. I'd like to hear your thoughts, post a comment below. Also, check out all the links below to schedule a discovery call with me to check out my group called Midlife Love Mastery. Follow me on Instagram. And if you like this video, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel. Hit that notification bell so you'll be notified of all new videos. All right, this is time for Q&A. If you have a question for me, write the word question, then post the question thereafter or you can purchase a Super Sticker Super Chat. All the monies from the Super Sticker Super Chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. Oh, that's him right there. My son who passed away five years ago. And his honor, we donate to causes like the Hoffman Process Insight Institute and Seeds of Love, just to name a few places. And I wanna give props to Melissa for the $4.99 Super Sticker. Let's make $50 tonight. I'd like to donate some money. Also, if you wanna be on the hot seat, we had a very interesting hot seat last week. Hit the link for StreamYard, let's dig join the hot seat live. And I'd love to answer your question. So it looks like TS has a question for us. So TS writes, dating local guy went on seven day cruise at the four and a half month dating mark. We slept on the couch four days because he had said bed is uncomfortable and his knee and back hurts. Should I believe that? Well, if you've been dating for four and a half months, yeah, I would say hopefully you built some trust between the two of you. So yeah, I would think that if someone is actually feeling that way. Now, if you're saying you went on a seven day cruise at the four and a half month mark, he slept on the couch four days because the bed was uncomfortable. Yeah, I think we have to give the person the benefit of the doubt. I don't see why otherwise that would be the case, especially since you have four and a half months invested in this relationship. So yes, I would give them the benefit of the doubt. Okay, here's a question. How soon should you move in together? Okay, since I'm intimately familiar with this question, how soon should you move in together? This is a really tricky question. So many of you know that I was in a relationship where it was long distance and after a few months of being together and we amassed over 45 days together in a hundred day period of time. That's a lot of time together. If two people dated three times a week, that would be the equivalent of, that'd be the equivalent of like in the course of them, two and a half months, that was the equivalent or people dated twice a week. That would be the equivalent of 20 weeks, okay? But anyway, I'm digressing here for a second. We decided it would be best if we're gonna explore this relationship fully, we should move in together. And while moving in together is not a recipe for success, I mean, certainly our relationship ended, I think what's interesting about moving in together is you really don't know someone until you live them, until you're actually interacting with them on a regular basis. I think dating today is a long drawn out process of most of the time it's just friends with benefits. I think it's mostly based on entertainment, it's not in the actual doing. So first and foremost, I believe if you're gonna move in together, you have to be ready to integrate your lives into, in with each other, you have to introduce your children, your friends, you have to be actively integrating into each other's lives, that's number one. Number two, it allows you to have these deeper financial conversations to get a sense of how someone operates from a financial state. So that's a good benefit of having these conversations. You know, I'm kind of in a school of, this is a new school of thought I have, it's two people like each other and they're gonna physically be intimate with each other. I'm here to suggest maybe each one of them live in each other's homes for a 30 day period of time to see how well they get along with one another before they choose moving in together. That might be something worth doing. But Jonathan, we don't have the kind of schedule to do that. But Jonathan, we're long distance and we can't do that. Folks, proximity creates continuity, proximity creates trust. What I mean to say continuity means regular time together builds trust. And doing it this half ass way doesn't work, at least for most people. So anyway, I think the sooner two people can explore it, I think, here's the thing. We undervalue sex, quite frankly. We almost, sex is almost treated the equivalent of kissing. So if we treat sex as kissing, then where's the real value? Then what's the point of a relationship? If you're two people are gonna get physically intimate with one another, then I'm here to say you go all in and dam the torpedoes. You figure out if you're gonna get fit for each other sooner rather than later. There's no sense spending two, three, four, five years just dating one another. And I would say certainly by the one year mark, certainly that would be a good time to move in together. Those are just my rough thoughts. All right, let's keep going here. OSS, what does a committed relationship look like? Now for me, I've always shared this publicly. I've thought a committed relationship looks like this. We spend three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork building skills both in our personal and our professional life, intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy. That to me is what a committed relationship looks like. It's the integration into each other's lives. And if you don't trust this person enough to integrate them in their lives, then why do you trust them enough to have sex with them? That's my question. By the way, can someone answer that? Why would people be willing to have sex with someone they wouldn't integrate into their lives? See, isn't it all about trust? If you're trusting up the penis to go inside the vagina, I think you should then really know is this person worthy of your long-term affections, okay? By the way, who wants to join the hot seeds? Click the link below. All right, let's go here to... Jennifer has a question. Have a crush on a guy in my office. He's much higher position than me. He's single, never married, no kids. Smart, shy guy. Is dating someone at work a no-no? There's an old saying, don't shit where you eat, okay? Is it a no-no? Well, first off, I would want to know what your company policy is, sexual harassment policy about a superior dating a subordinate and could that person be in any jeopardy of losing their job based on the company policy. So that would be the first thing I'd want to assess, okay? I think you really better have developed, you know, better have developed a strong friendship. And in addition, I would really be careful if it's driven by lust, it's a recipe for disaster. I mean, it's hard enough to make any relationship work, but these lust-based relationships blow up all the time. So is it a no-no? No, you get to do whatever you want. This is your journey. You get to do whatever you want, but just remember, sometimes you can take a loan out and there's gonna be a lot of interest you have to pay after the fact. So know the interest rate of what you're going to do. All right, anyone who wants to jump on the hot seat, click the links there. Lavish love story, I'm giving you some props. Elena, hey, how you doing? Susan is in the house. Is it moving in together too much pressure? Maybe long distance is the issue. You know, again, if two people are gonna have physical intimacy with one another, isn't that a big effing deal? I think so. You don't like, what's the point? What's the point? Like the problem with dating today is there's no real clear cut destination. Let's just have a good time. Let's focus on having a good time. I just wanna have a good time. See, everybody's focused on having a good time. You know, I think when we take relationships at a much more intentional level, these questions don't matter as much, because much is because isn't the, I mean, either, listen, I'd like to get remarried. I'm pretty clear on that. Now, I don't know if I necessarily wanna have a marriage with a relationship with the government, but I certainly wanna have a spiritual marriage at some point. And so that's, see, when you have that purpose, like I said this in a previous video, I'm at a point where I wanna be a husband to someone and I'm looking for a wife. I wanna be a husband, I'm looking for a wife. Or better yet, I wanna be a partner to someone and I'm looking for a partner. To me, dating is just the brief getting to know you period to decide if we are gonna do this for a long term. Short term, listen, we have a lot of people that are just, listen, they're what we call spenders. Does anyone remember this chart? I haven't showed in a while. Okay, please forgive the glare. You see on the top, it says users, spenders and grower builders, okay? This is not a fact, it's merely an opinion. Users are those people that seek short term game, love bombers, players, gold diggers, entitled selfish people only caring about themselves. It's roughly 20% of the population. Now those users can turn into spenders and spenders are those that seek connection, companionship, coupling and sex, no direction, uncertain, fearful, usually have a dysfunctional life. That represents 60% of the population. And the most coveted position of all is the grower builders. Those are the people they seek long term commitment. They're emotionally grown up. They have good relationship skills. They have their act together. 80% of the population of singles are users and spenders. So you might think, God, the odds are against me, yes. That's why when you work with a coach like me, I put the odds significantly in your favor. As they said in Hunger Games, may the odds forever be in your favor, ever be in your favor, excuse me. That's what working with the coaches, check out the link below to schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. I'm blessed to help women put the odds substantially in their favor. Susan, thank you so much. Lee is in the house. Jonathan, if a guy is willing to work on his past wounds with books but refuses therapy, do I think that's enough to heal? I don't think books alone. If you're not a qualified, I mean, books are certainly a great start, but you have to recognize you have a wound that needs to be healed. You know, I think books are a great way to get some tools and resources, but I also think if someone rejects therapy, then I'd want to know what is their rejection of therapy? Now, I can understand a lot of therapists aren't really that good, and therapy is a very long drawn out process, so I can respect that, but at the same time, what's their real rejection and are they willing to do other forms of healing outside of books? Because I gotta tell you, I've been working on myself for a decade and a half, and I'm still butting up against a lot of my shit, a lot of shit that happened from childhood and adult. I'm still, the journey is a constant opportunity to heal childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas that cause negative patterns and limiting beliefs in our lives. People don't have good, it's hard to get all your relationship skills from a book. It's good to be with people to model in real time. Maybe there's an AI therapist that might help them. Hey, one of our Facebook members has just written in, she says, I agree with you, Jonathan, most women have sex with a man before he proves that he's trustworthy. Most women are afraid to speak their truth, ask questions, but they will have sex with a man before the first fourth date. That's exactly true. Now, Gigi talks about, I prefer living together apart, but both partners have to have plenty of resources. Yes, where is that book? I have a book on that. It's called Living Together Apart. Where's my book? Oh, here it is. Here's the book. It's a tiny little book. So for a lot of people, this book by Anne Watson is called Living Together Apart and it's the idea that these days maybe having two separate resonances can be of value, but these are very conscious relationships that have a lot of integration into each other's lives. So I do agree with that, Gigi, and that is certainly one avenue to take and I'm a proponent of that. So by the way, Jennifer wants to let us know that her employee handbook says nothing about dating colleagues. Just remember, there's a consequence if it doesn't work out. Jennifer goes on to say, thanks for answering my question. So hard to meet someone and he seems like a great guy, if I leave the job we can date. So here's a fascinating statistic. Okay, this is anecdotal, but I believe in the 60s, was a period of the 60s here in the United States was one of the highest percentage of people over 25 years old were meeting at work was the number one place to meet a potential husband or excuse me, spouse, not husband or wife, a spouse was the professional capacity. So there is some validity to it. Used to be the number one place for those over 25 years old. So yes, but then you got to worry about consequences these days. And social media, and that's a whole nother conversation. Susan wants to go on and add, does financial discrepancy make for failure, especially if it's the woman who has financial resources? Given that the second leading cause of divorce centers around money for a variety of reasons, is the problem money or is the problem people? You know, I really wonder, is it the people, is it that they haven't had real conversations? Have they put together a prenup, having contracts with one another? I think maybe this is what we need. You know, it's interesting I was reading about Palimony today. You know, it's interesting that literally if you spend enough time with a person here in California you're legally obligated to that person. And this is something that's never discussed in advance. So, you know, it's a very interesting and tricky conversation to have money conversations. And I will say this, in the book Eight Dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman, they have a whole chapter centered around money and professional capacity as topics of conversation. So good questions, Susan. Wait, Live, Learn and Grove says, we've been trained that the vagina will endear the man to us. But when that vagina gets old you'll give it away as quickly. Yeah, there's this fantasy belief that sex is how men fall in love. And that is not the truth. That is not how we fall in love. It's kind of a part of the package of what we want. Men and women alike, but it's not how we fall in love. McCoy says, I get what you mean, Jonathan. I want to partner also, but I'm just going to do me for now and see what happens. I'm a generator, not a manifester. I'm a projector. All right, Lillian's in the house. By the way, what I just described, projector is, and generators and manifestors are all part of human design, human design. Give me a favor, someone write that in the chat box. Human design, I want you to go Google human design and you can find out what your design is online for probably the cost of your email address. Question by Lilly. Any advice on how to handle an adult male child who is still living in the house who doesn't want new boyfriend to move in? Doesn't want new boyfriend to move in? I apologize, I'm not clear on the question because I'm confused by the boyfriend. Anybody sat in an adult male child who's living in the house who doesn't want new boy? I'm confused by the boyfriend, Lillian. Sorry about that. All right, all right. Joheka wants to jump in, meeting at work. Not such a great idea since there's moments you don't want to be in the other, or want the other person to watch. Yeah, that's another, I mean, these are all things to consider, you know, definitely things to consider. All right, Elena wants to mention, I mentioned human design, I mentioned human design. So I would Google that at any point, pause this video for watching the replay and Google human design, and you can find out what your design is. All right, does anyone want to join the hot seat? We're low on questions here, so if we don't have any questions, we're gonna be wrapping up early. Let's keep, let's see. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Oh, here Gigi wants to let Jennifer know that she worked for one of the major pharmaceutical companies, you know the name. They engage couple ended up long distance, the company rearranged two districts so they could move. Interesting, well, that's fascinating, the company was supportive, they must have been valuable employees. All right, oh, Karen wants to comment on, I agree, living at each other's house, 30 days to see each other in their own environment without sex, agree with sex before marriage, yes, I agree, this can be a huge problem after marriage. Yeah, it's just things to consider. All right, oh wait, so here's, I think coming back to that previous question from Lillian. Okay, I think she has adult son living at home and her son doesn't want her new boyfriend to move in. Now that makes sense, okay? I apologize, now that makes sense to me. Yeah, children can be a problematic component within a relationship. I mean, when I say problematic, I think children have a voice, I have a client of mine that has the exact same problem, her son is very resistant to her mother having her partner move in. I guess the question is, does a child rule the parents or does the parent support, I didn't wanna say rule the child, but certainly support an adult child. So I wouldn't wanna give my child that much power. I certainly, if they don't feel comfortable, I think that requires some real deep conversation with all the parties involved, but I wouldn't want my child to have that sort of veto power. I mean, that's just me, but I'm fortunate that I have a great relationship with my son, I think, you know, when it's a son to a mother, that can be a little bit more, the son is protective of the mother. So I think daughters can be very protective of their fathers. So these are really some critical conversations. And I'd probably request the therapist be a counselor of some sort be part of the conversation to really understand what's going on for each of them. I would include the three of them in a counseling session and talk about it. That would just be my suggestion, okay? All right, Elizabeth is in the house and she says, should I talk first before, before meeting a guy? He wants to text, but can't get him to call me. Okay, folks, in my opinion, listen, I've had a few instances in my life where I've texted someone who literally lived one mile from me and we text and say, hey, do you want to meet up? Totally fine, because to me, that would be no different than if you're at a bar and met someone. I think on dating sites though, if you're connecting with each other and you're not going to meet each other right away, the first phone call is the first date. You can get a lot of intel about a person. You can do the deposition over the telephone to see if they're worthy enough to spend your time with you because getting dressed up, driving somewhere, spending an hour or so with someone only to find out that you could have realized way sooner you weren't a fit. And I will tell you, telephone chemistry also is kind of an interesting form of chemistry. I think when two people hit it off on the phone, they actually feel more comfortable when they meet in person than just the random, hey, let's hook up. Every time I've done the random hookup that was short lived, never worked out in my life. It's always a telephone helps build some familiarity, some continuity with someone, some comfort. Anyway, that's just my suggestion. All right, Lee's in the house. Why do men assign importance to stay at home moms? Wait, why do men not assign importance to stay at home moms? Yet when marriage fails, they're angry that they have to share their assets. This is a very complicated conversation. I think first, I think a significant percentage of men, especially, okay, so let's just be frank here for a moment. Here in the United States, 80% of the population makes less than six figures. Roughly 80% and this is rough statistics, okay? Roughly 80% of the population has less than six months of savings in the bank to cover them financially. Divorce people, a significant percentage have alimony and child support in their lives. So dating a single mom oftentimes represents a potential dependency, not always, but potential. And a lot of men are resistant to be a financial caretaker to someone else's children, possibly speaking, okay? Why people resist splitting assets? Because I think the person who worked for it feels more of an entitlement to the asset than the person depending on their circumstances. I was watching a divorce attorney, a New York divorce attorney telling the story how a man went to Harvard and worked at one financial institution after another financial institution and he was making significant money and he finally, he reached a point where he sold his company and got $500 million. He also briefly was dating and married a woman for five years and she stopped having sex with them. She started to have sex with other men and she was entitled to half of the earnings of the sale of his company. I think he had a very valid, I mean, he went to Harvard, he went to school, he worked his ass off and yes, his choice was marrying a hot chick. You know, that's on him. That's the price he paid, okay? But was she really entitled to $200 million? I don't think so. Was she entitled to $100 million? I don't think so. Was she entitled to maybe 10%? Maybe, okay, which is still a significant amount of money, but no, the courts gave him $200, gave her $200 million. So I can understand why men are resistant for reasons like that. That's just my opinion. Okay. Brad says, that is true. Well, thank you, Brad. All right. Small white doves, his new relationship man friend deployed in Africa thinks it's serious. However, he is prematurely asking for sexting and I'm so disappointed. Says he's trying to just stay local by requesting it from me. Yeah, you know, like he's just, you just happen to be a warm body and if you're willing to give him sexting, it gives him a momentary bit of relief. Not I think your cup of tea. Hey, I want to thank Elizabeth for the $10 super sticker. Let's try to get $50. We're $15 so far. We need $35 more to hit that $50 mark tonight. OS asks a question. What is a healthy financial agreement for both parties financial responsibilities when you decide to commit to each other? Great question, great question. So I think to start with what's yours is yours and what's mine is mine is a good conversation. I think also depending on a person's income, so let's just play with some large numbers here. Let's say one person, let's say the man makes $100,000 a year and the woman makes $50,000 a year. Now let's say she's also raising children and so she's got very little disposable money left over. Let's say he pays alimony, child support and he has little disposable money left over. I think what's left over in proportion to one another is how they should approach the relationship. It's in proportion to their discretionary funds. That's how I view it from that perspective given the circumstances I just laid out. Now, if the person has more discretionary funds then they should contribute more to the entertainment of the relationship. That's my opinion. If you disagree with me, I'd love to hear why you might disagree with me, especially when we have narratives that suggest that men are supposed to do everything. Why is that? Why is that fair? Questions I invite you to ask. Let's go here. Elizabeth jumps in and wants to know, is it a con if my therapist doesn't have a mogo therapy training? I think, is it like we're thinking pro and con? I'm not here to someone's expertise. Certainly they might, cognitive behavioral therapist. Oh, I forgot to mention this in the video to Rachel. Cognitive behavioral therapists are also good therapists but I think particularly if you're, if you have a pattern of choosing men that are like one of your parents that I think a mogo therapy is the best. That's just my perspective but I am not here the expert here from that perspective. When I say I'm not the expert, there are plenty of them. I know people that have no college degree that have street smarts that are some of the most. I actually, do you guys remember when I brought in the woman who had to, had to temporarily become a prostitute? She wrote the book. But where's the book? For a good time call Patty. I gave the book to my son. She's one of the wisest women I know and she doesn't even, she barely has a high school education. So, but yes, I would prefer somebody have a mock-up training. That's just my opinion. All right, let's keep going. Oh, and Elizabeth wants to go. She does have cognitive behavioral therapy. Yes, I married my dad, hence the divorce. Okay, got it. Hey, Julian gave us a $20 super sticker. Thank you, sir, for what you do. Julianne, by the way, now we are only $15 away from hitting our number for $50 donation I'd like to give out. So thank you so much. One of our Facebook members jumps in. In response to the woman with adult child at home, an adult child has the option to move out if he or she does not approve of his mother's choices to move her boyfriend in unless he's concerned about her safety. As I said, men, boys can be protective of their mothers. That is one possible reason. But yeah, I don't believe a child, if a child, you know, it's a privilege to be in their home at some point. You know, it's not a guarantee. There's no written law after 18. Now, by the way, my parents supported me till the day they died on some level they supported me. I would do the same for my son, Colin. I'm going to support him the best I can, but I'm not gonna give my children the power, especially when they have the power to take care of themselves, okay? And if they don't, then I would examine that. Okay, thank you so much for bringing that up. Susan Z. P. says, what if it's the woman that pays for everything he may not require, but she doesn't want to have to give up nice things. Okay, think about this. If you want nice things and you have the resources and the person doesn't have the resources, then you have to ask yourself, do you want this person in your life if they can't contribute, or are you willing to use your resources for the betterment of the relationship? Folks, if the penis is going inside the vagina on a regular basis, then I would hope you built a fair amount of trust with one another. And trust, as I said in the very early conversation here, trust isn't just about fidelity. Trust is, does this person have my best interest at heart? You know, going all in in a relationship says, I'm gonna do what's in the best interest for my partner, for me, for us. The best you can. There is no perfect way of doing this, but do the best you can. And I think that's the way to view it from my perspective, Susan. I'd like to hear your thoughts on that. Luluy wants to know, do you speak Arabic? Benim tüksher çökfena fakat ben biraz an yoram. And if anyone knows what I said in Turkish, be interesting to hear. Benim tüksher çökfena fakat ben biraz an yoram. And that's about the extent of my Arabic, if you will. Although I can sing a song. He bedamehane jim sarho şolam yoram birbaşkayim bu akşam sarho şolam yoram. That's my Turkish singing. All right, we've got $7.99 Super Sticker from Margaret. We are only $7 away from hitting our $50 mark tonight. Bia has a question. Oops, Bia. How should I ask a man nicely his intentions are as we spend a lot of time together. I'd like to know if there is an intention of a serious relationship with marriage in the future. Okay, great question. All right, here's how I like to operate. So I start by expressing what my desires are when it comes to a fully committed relationship that leads to marriage. Are you express what your desires are? And then you invite the person to share their desires. What are your desires in this? And through that conversation, you've shared your point of view and they've shared their point of view and that's how you begin a conversation because if there's a mismatch there, there's conversation. If there's mismatch, you have to figure out is there gonna match, right? This is called deeper conversations. People who are afraid to have deeper conversations are less trustworthy than those people that are willing to have deeper conversation. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. All right. Wait, Elizabeth wants to say, I like your singing. I can't wait to go to Israel, but I'm Turkish. But thank you. Israel is from what I understand the most one of the most beautiful countries to visit. Okay, question from Susan again. The man provided other priceless qualities. There is trust, but culture favors men who do this, not women. That is true. We are a subjective society and oftentimes it is our societal and cultural expectations that kill relationships. Isn't that sad? How society views things, how culture views things, how many relationships have been killed because society says it's supposed to be a way or the culture says it's supposed to be the way. I think two sovereign beings are the only two people that make a decision on how their lives are allowed to unfold. Let me repeat that. Two sovereign beings are the only decision makers to how their life is to unfold for one another. So it shall be written, so it shall be done. Bum, bum, bum. Is that the, oh, that is from 10 commandments. So it shall be written, so it shall be done. Yolbrenner. Okay, Margaret wants to let me know. Good point, Jonathan, about trust. Exactly. Um, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Via wants to say thank you so much. That was very helpful. I'm having trouble with how to start the conversation. It's simple. This is what I want. What do you want? Are we on the same page? All right. All right, we have Elizabeth back in the house. Should I just surprise a guy I've been texting and just cut to the chase and call him? I agree with what you said about the first date occurs on the phone call. Just simply say, look, I'm gonna be calling. Are you free in the next half hour or 20 minutes or whatever, you know? I'd like to cut through the chase, you know? I mean, listen, people are hiding behind their phones. People are lazy. It just saddens me, you know? Like, I'm like, look, I don't have time to fuck around. You know, folks, if you're 50 years old and older, the days in front of you are shorter than the days behind you, why are people dicking around? Let's cut to the chase. And what I mean is let's have a few phone calls. Let's figure, if, listen, see the problem is this. Swipe dating is the least effective way to connect with people because it is so bastardized how we treat human beings, okay? This particular app, this app. You guys know this app? This app, in particular. It is bastardized, the dating process. Because we've trivialized and marginalized people to just a photograph. And that's just sad. And because of that, most photographs are so fucking poorly produced out there. Most of you guys have the shittiest profiles I've ever seen. The quality is so crappy. No wonder men are flaky and the men are crappy and it's no wonder you're flaky. So I get it. Hey, Susan wants to be on the hot seat. Susan, show yourself. Oh, you're on mute. All right. Oh, there you go. I'll put you back. Oh, put the camera on? Okay. No, the camera's not on. There you go. Hey, Susan. Hey, I don't wanna be a hog. It's just nobody else did. So I mean, I'm happy to. Okay, what's your question? Continue that conversation I was asking about. Well, one thing I asked about that questionnaire, you didn't really answer it. Like, why don't you develop a 10 point questionnaire for us to have? So we don't know. I do, it's in my private coaching. Jonathanasley.com forward slash coaching. If you want help with that, that's what I do for a living, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cause I- Anyway, it's more than 10 questions. We have put together a complete comprehensive way of looking at a person from a variety of different factors, most importantly, compatibility and emotional maturity. And I gotta tell you, I get calls from women all clients who worked with me. Jonathan, I met a great guy. Jonathan, I met a great guy. Jonathan, I met a great guy and they know the difference. Right. It's, I think the women who seem to make an investment in themselves seem to have the best results. That's what I've observed. Right. It's like kind of turn off the man by like interviewing him that like on the phone. Well, let's think about this. It's not an interview. It's a conversation. How do you get to know another human being? You ask questions. Right. It's like, that's how you get to know another human being. It can be as simple as, hey, I don't want to waste my time and I assume you're the same as me. You might as well ask each other a few serious questions just to see if we're on the same page. We can make this fun too. Is that okay? Boom. It's as simple as that. Okay. Well, then getting back to what my question was, is that, you know, there's, I guess there's trade-offs in any relationship, but say if it is where the woman might be, but they do other things, you know, they provide, I guess like they provide things that she can't do. So, and with the idea if the person wants to have it. Well, let's be, you know what? Let's not play in the vague. So give me an example of a specific. Okay. There's a long distance and. Are we talking about you? We don't have to. I mean, it doesn't have to be me. Let's just like talk about in general. I'm just saying for instance. So. But I want specifics if you're going to do this general. I'm going to give you a scenario. So the person lives 300 miles away. So they're going to be moving and just say the, both of them share a feeling about it may be, things may really change and you may have to leave the city. You may have to go off and make your own food and live in some place. Like just say, you know, there's a possibility that happened. So she may be able to afford an acre out in 10 buck two or something. And he can't, but he's a horticulturist and he knows how to do all that stuff. So he goes out there and does what he does. They don't have to live together until the world falls apart and maybe never falls apart. But I'm just saying it's kind of a reassurance. And plus they already, I mean, they're a good match, but maybe not in this current situation. So I had a client I worked with and she was very successful branding specialist. She probably made a half a million dollars a year was just her paycheck, okay? Just to give you some context. And she met a man who had a startup business. Actually his startup business was basically singles adventures, like he'd put together singles to do river rafting and things like that. And but the business failed. And, you know, he was, but what was interesting about this person, and she knew this before they ever went on a first date, he gave a kidney to a total stranger. Like who the fuck does that? You know, like to me, that like elevates him to like high quality status, you know, just by the fact that he is a, you know, like selfless human being, okay? So she called, we're working together. She's like apprehensive because she has substantially more resources than him. I said, you know, you, you're not going to spend your half a million dollars each year anyway. She has significant assets. And so she was the primary investor in the relationship. Now they moved in together and they eventually bought a home together. She bought the home. He manages the house. He fixes everything. He plans her schedule. He takes, he has taken so much load off of her life that she can make more money because he does this. That is called mutual exchange. And I want to recommend to everybody a book called the partnership charter. This is a business book, but it talks about mutual exchange. Relationships are an exchange of energy. And the minute we culturalize it and, you know, societalize it, that's where it gets tricky. If two people are sovereign human beings or grownups, they can choose to do it however they wish. Right. And, but I suppose I could close the question there. They, I, you know what, I lost my train of thought. I'm sorry. I'll think of it probably when we stop. Well, the train will come back. I think just because it's like the woman is acculturated. Like the mother says, your brother's going to college. You know, you're pretty enough to get a rich husband. So I mean, it's like that is what you're raised on. I mean, mothers do that to daughters. I mean, I'm not saying it's right. I particularly know of two women who are inherited a substantial amount of money. I'm talking in the substantial 30s, 40s, 50 millions of dollars. Okay. The interest alone is more than 98% of people make in a year. Okay. That's their interest. And in both cases, they're with men who don't have very many resources. Right. These are great human beings. Right. Really great human beings. They do so much. And yet that programming is sabotaging each of these relationships. Well, sometimes we don't even start a relationship like that. So I guess the question is, do you want to be right? Or do you want to be happy? Of course you want to be happy. You don't want to be right. And if you've got a great guy and you've got the hang up in your head, you've got to fix the hang up in your head. I see. Well, it's just a reverse role because a man is used to, you know- I know, we can argue the point. Oh, no, I'm just asking. We can argue why it's there. But I mean, at the end of the day, I invite your friend or whoever you're speaking about change the mindset. But most importantly, I don't have a copy of the book, but my friend, Ariel Ford, I'm interviewing her soon. She wrote a book called Wabi Sabi Love. The question is, if this person was no longer in your life, how would you feel? Well- Money can have by real love and connection. Right. It's just what I'm asking is, because it's expected like a man usually- It's not- Again, we can talk about that, but I guess, Susan, I'm trying to say to you, we can argue that for the next hour and a half. It's irrelevant. No, no, no, I'm not arguing. I'm just saying that- Well, when I'm at argument, I'm at argument, I mean, in the sense we can debate it. But it doesn't. But I'm trying to tell you, it's irrelevant. That narrative is, again, are you gonna let society and culture dictate your choices? No, but this is a question. What if you're really not at that stage where you're just thinking about it in your head? Build enough trust to get to that stage. Or move on, or just move on. Or just move on, yeah. Because you can get close to somebody and then you all of a sudden, you just realize after three months, you really aren't on the same page. I mean, it takes a while to get to know- That's why it's called dating because no one else came up with a great- Talk about triggering your childhood wounds, causing you to rethink all your things. There's all these different, if I've listed all the things that dating does, it triggers every anxiety, fear, doubt, shame, trust, guilt, blah, blah, blah. That's why it's called dating. Right. But if you hadn't moved in, so I'm not saying you moved in soon. I really don't know your situation, but- Well, by the way, if the woman is financially more substantial, then I first and foremost is protect your assets via trust and through some sort of, I would even say if someone moves in, that there's a written agreement of spelling out how it should, how the financial arrangement is, look, because by the way, you don't, if you lived in California, there are palimony laws. Right. Hey, Susan, I'm gonna be wrapping up this question, okay? All right. Okay, well, thank you. Bye. Can I give you a big, gigantic Jonathan Bear hug? Okay. Thank you. All right, thanks a bunch. Bye-bye. Bye now. I'm really grateful for Susan being in the house. That takes bravery to get on the hot seat. All right, folks, you know what? I'm tired. I wanna go eat dinner. We just described the seven early signs to build, to demonstrate a man has building trust with you. I go back and invite you to go watch that and really take to heart that trust is an essential piece of every significant relationship. And it takes, while it takes time to build trust, it also takes an intentionality and most importantly, a willingness to actually want to build a significant relationship with someone. And sadly, today is just a very passive way of getting to know someone. And I'm here to encourage a bulldozer way to get to know someone, okay? I want you to think of it like you're going into a law, you're going in and doing a deposition. Find out as much as you can before you go to trial. All right. If I'd like to hear your thoughts on this, post a comment below at this resonated with you. If you want to connect with me, check out the links to a discovery call, check out the books I recommend, check out my group, follow me on Instagram, all those ways. I hope this resonated with you. If you did say, yes, Jonathan, this resonated with me. All right. If you did, I'd like you to hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell so you can be notified of new videos. And I'm gonna wrap up this videos I always do. First off, give myself a big gigantic John the Barog of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear, a pillow and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives and we need eight more dollars to hit that $50 mark tonight. I'm gonna say thanks to Julianne and Patty and Margaret and Elizabeth and Catherine. Let's see. Sherry, McCoy, Elizabeth. Kimmy, Chrissy, June. McCoy, Gigi, Dominique, Stephens. Ba-ba, Susie. Everyone, thanks so much for being on tonight. Wishing you a wonderful day and thanks Susan for being on the hot seat as well. I appreciate you being real. So thanks so much, everyone. Be well, have a fab evening. Take care, bye now.