 This is Section 1 of the $30,000 Bequest and Other Stories by Mark Twain. Lakeside was a pleasant little town of five or six thousand inhabitants and rather a pretty one too, as towns go in the far west. It had church accommodations for thirty-five thousand, which is the way of the far west and the south, where everybody is religious, and where each of the Protestant sects is represented and has a plant of its own. Rank was unknown in Lakeside, unconfessed anyway, everybody knew everybody and his dog, and a sociable friendliness was the prevailing atmosphere. Saladin Foster was bookkeeper in the principal store and the only high-salaryed man of his profession in Lakeside. He was thirty-five years old now, he had served that store for fourteen years. He had begun in his marriage week at four hundred dollars a year and had climbed steadily up a hundred dollars a year for four years. From that time forth his wage had remained eight hundred, a handsome figure indeed, and everybody conceded that he was worth it. His wife, Elektra, was a capable help-meet, although, like himself, a dreamer of dreams and a private dabbler in romance. The first thing she did after her marriage, child as she was, aged only nineteen, was to buy an acre of ground on the edge of the town and pay down the cash for it, twenty-five dollars, all her fortune. Saladin had less by fifteen. She instituted a vegetable garden there, got it farmed on shares by the nearest neighbor, and made it pay her a hundred percent, a year. Out of Saladin's first year's wage she put thirty dollars in the savings bank, sixty out of his second, a hundred out of his third, a hundred and fifty out of his fourth. His wage went to eight hundred a year then, and meantime two children had arrived and increased the expenses, but she banked two hundred a year from the salary nevertheless, thenceforth. When she had been married seven years she built and furnished a pretty and comfortable two thousand dollar house in the midst of her garden acre, paid half of the money down, and moved her family in. Seven years later she was out of debt and had several hundred dollars out, earning its living. Earning it by the rise in landed estate, for she had long ago bought another acre or two and sold the most of it at a profit to pleasant people who were willing to build, and would be good neighbors and furnish a general comradeship for herself and her growing family. She had an independent income, from safe investments, of about a hundred dollars a year. Her children were growing in years and grace, and she was a pleased and happy woman. Happy in her husband, happy in her children, and the husband of the children were happy in her. It is, at this point, that this history begins. The youngest girl, Clytemestra, called Clyty for short, was eleven. Her sister, Gwendolyn, called Gwen for short, was thirteen. Nice girls, and comely. The names betray the latent romance tinge in the parental blood. The parents' names indicate that the tinge was an inheritance. It was an affectionate family, hence all four of its members had pet names. Saladons was a curious and unsexing one, Sally. And so was Electra's, Alec. All day long, Sally was a good and diligent bookkeeper and salesman. All day long, Alec was a good and faithful mother and housewife, and thoughtful and calculating business woman. But in the cozy living-room at night they put the plodding world away, and lived in another and a fairer, reading romances to each other, dreaming dreams, comratting with kings and princes, and stately lords and ladies in the flash and stir and splendor of noble palaces and grim and ancient castles. CHAPTER II Now came great news, stunning news, joyous news, in fact. It came from a neighboring state where the family's only surviving relative lived. It was Sally's relative, a sort of vague and indefinite uncle or second or third cousin by the name of Tilbury Foster, seventy, and a bachelor, reputed well off and correspondingly sour and crusty. Sally had tried to make up to him once by letter, in a bygone time, and had not made that mistake again. Tilbury now wrote to Sally, saying, he should shortly die, and should leave him thirty thousand dollars, cash, not for love, but because money had given him most of his troubles and exasperations, and he wished to place it where there was good hope that it would continue its malignant work. The bequest would be found in his will, and would be paid over, provided that Sally should be able to prove to the executors that he had taken no notice of the gift by spoken word or by letter, had made no inquiries concerning the moribund's progress toward the everlasting tropics, and had not attended the funeral. As soon as Alec had partially recovered from the tremendous emotions created by the letter, she sent to the relative's habitat and subscribed for the local paper. Man and wife entered into a solemn compact now, to never mention the great news to any one while the relative lived lest some ignorant person carry the fact to the death bed and distort it and make it appear that they were disobediently thankful for the bequest, and just the same as confessing it and publishing it right in the face of the prohibition. For the rest of the day Sally made havoc and confusion with his books, and Alec could not keep her mind on her affairs, not even take up a flower pot or book or a stick of wood, without forgetting what she had intended to do with it. For both were dreaming thirty thousand dollars. All day long the music of those inspiring words sang through those people's heads. From his marriage day forth Alec's grip had been upon the purse, and Sally had seldom known what it was to be privileged to squander a dime on non-necessities. Thirty thousand dollars! the song went on and on, a vast sum, an unthinkable sum. All day long Alec was absorbed in planning how to invest it. Sally, in planning how to spend it. There was no romance reading that night. The children took themselves away early for their parents were silent, distraught, and strangely un-entertaining. The good night kisses might as well have been impressed upon vacancy for all the response they got. The parents were not aware of the kisses, and the children had been gone an hour before their absence was noticed. Two pencils had been busy during that hour, note-making in the way of plans. It was Sally who broke the stillness at last. He said, exaltation. Ah, it'll be grand, Alec. Out of the first thousand we'll have a horse and a buggy for summer, and a cutter and a skin-lap robe for winter. Alec responded with decision and composure. Out of the capital? Nothing of the kind? Not if it was a million. Sally was deeply disappointed. The glow went out of his face. Oh, Alec, he said reproachfully. We've always worked so hard and been so scrimped, and now that we are rich it does seem you did not finish, or he saw her eyes soften. His supplication had touched her. She said with gentle persuasiveness, We must not spend the capital, dear. It would not be wise. Out of the income from it? That will answer. That will answer, Alec, how dear and good you are. There will be a noble income, and if we can spend that, not all of it, dear, not all of it, but you can spend a part of it, that is, a reasonable part, but the whole of the capital, every penny of it, must be put right to work and kept at it. You see the reasonableness of that, don't you? Why, yes. Yes, of course. But we'll have to wait so long, six months before the first interest falls due. Yes, maybe longer. Longer, Alec, why? Don't they pay half yearly? That kind of investment, yes. But I shan't invest in that way. What way, then? For big returns. Big? That's good. Go on, Alec. What is it? Coal. The new mines. Cannell. I mean to put in ten thousand. Ground floor. When we organize, we'll get three shares for one. Buy George, but it sounds good, Alec. Then the shares will be worth how much and when? About a year. They'll pay ten percent half yearly and be worth thirty thousand. I know all about it. The advertisement is in the Cincinnati paper here. Land. Thirty thousand for ten, in a year. Let's jam in the whole capital and pull out ninety. I'll write and subscribe right now. Tomorrow it may be too late. He was flying to the writing desk, but Alec stopped him and put him back in his chair. She said, Don't lose your head so. We mustn't subscribe till we've got the money, don't you know that? Sally's excitement went down a degree or two, but he was not wholly appeased. Why, Alec, we'll have it, you know, and so soon, too. He's probably out of his troubles before this. It's a hundred to nothing he's selecting his brimstone shovel this very minute. Now, I think Alec shuddered and said, How can you, Sally? Don't talk in that way. It is perfectly scandalous. Oh, well, make it a halo if you like. I don't care for his outfit. I was only just talking. Can't you let a person talk? But why should you want to talk in that dreadful way? How would you like to have people talk so about you, and you not cold yet? Not likely to be, for one while, I reckon, if my last act was giving away money for the sake of doing somebody a harm with it. But never mind about Tilbury, Alec. Let's talk about something worldly. It does seem to me that that mine is the place for the whole thirty. What's the objection? All the eggs in one basket. That's the objection. All right, if you say so. What about the other twenty? What do you mean to do with that? There's no hurry. I'm going to look around before I do anything with it. All right, if your mind's made up. Side, Sally. He was deep in thought a while. Then he said, There'll be twenty thousand profit coming from the ten a year from now. We can spend that, can we, Alec? Alec shook her head. No, dear, she said. It won't sell high till we've had the first semi-annual dividend. You can spend part of that. Shucks, only that. And a whole year to wait. Confounded I ought to be patient. It might even be declared in three months. It's quite within the possibilities. Oh, jolly. Oh, thanks! And Sally jumped up and kissed his wife in gratitude. It'll be three thousand, three whole thousand. How much of it can we spend, Alec? Make it liberal. Do, dear, that's a good fellow. Alec was pleased. So pleased that she yielded to the pressure and conceded a sum which her judgment told her was a foolish extravagance. A thousand dollars. Sally kissed her half a dozen times, and even in that way could not express all his joy and thankfulness. This new access of gratitude and affection carried Alec quite beyond the bounds of prudence, and before she could restrain herself, she had made her darling another grant. A couple of thousand out of the fifty or sixty, which she meant to clear within a year, out of the twenty, which still remained of the bequest. The happy tears sprang to Sally's eyes, and he said, Oh, I want to hug you, and he did it. Then he got his notes and sat down and began to check off, for first purchase, the luxuries which he should earliest wish to secure. Horse, buggy, cutter, laprobe, patent leathers, dog, plug hat, church pew, stemwinder, new teeth, say Alec, well, ciphering away, aren't you? That's right. Have you got the twenty thousand invested yet? No, there's no hurry about that. I must look around first and think. But you are ciphering. What's it about? Why, I have to find work for the thirty thousand that comes out of the coal, haven't I? Scott, what a head! I never thought of that. How are you getting along? Where have you arrived? Not very far. Two years or three? I've turned it over twice, once in oil and once in wheat. Why, Alec, it's splendid. How does it aggregate? I think, well, to be on the safe side, about a hundred and eighty thousand clear, though it will probably be more. My, isn't it wonderful? By gracious, luck has come our way at last after all the hard sledding. Alec, well, I'm going to cash in a whole three hundred on the missionaries. What real right have we to care for expenses? You couldn't do a nobler thing, dear, and it's just like your generous nature, you unselfish boy. The praise made Sally poignantly happy. But he was fair and just enough to say it was rightfully due to Alec rather than to himself, since but for her he should never have had the money. Then they went up to bed, and in their delirium of bliss they forgot him, left the candle burning in the parlor. They did not remember until they were undressed. Then Sally was for letting it burn. He said they could afford it, if it was a thousand. But Alec went down and put it out. A good job, too, for on her way back she hid on a scheme that would turn the hundred and eighty thousand into half a million before it had time to get cold. End of chapter two. This is section three of the thirty thousand dollar bequest and other stories by Mark Twain. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. The Thirty Thousand Dollar Bequest Chapter Three The little newspaper which Alec had subscribed for was a Thursday sheet. It would make the trip of five hundred miles from Tilbury's village and arrive on Saturday. Tilbury's letter had started on Friday, more than a day too late for the benefactor to die, and get into that week's issue, but in plenty of time to make connection for the next output. Thus the fosters had to wait almost a complete week to find out whether anything of a satisfactory nature had happened to him or not. It was a long, long week, and the strain was a heavy one. The pair could hardly have borne it, if their minds had not had the relief of wholesome diversion. We have seen that they had that. The woman was piling up fortunes right along. The man was spending them. Spending all his wife would give him a chance at at any rate. At last the Saturday came, and the weekly Sagamore arrived. Mrs. Eversley Bennett was present. She was the Presbyterian Parsons' wife, and was working the fosters for a charity. Talk now died a sudden death on the fosterside. Mrs. Bennett presently discovered that her hosts were not hearing a word she was saying, so she got up wondering and indignant, and went away. The moment she was out of the house, Alec eagerly tore the wrapper from the paper, and her eyes and sallies swept the columns for the death notices. Disappointment! Tilbury was not anywhere mentioned. Alec was a Christian from the cradle, and duty and the force of habit required her to go through the motions. She pulled herself together and said with a pious two percent trade joyousness, Let us be humbly thankful that he has been spared, and damn his treacherous hide! I wish Sally for shame! I don't care, retorted the angry man. It's the way you feel, and if you weren't so immorally pious you'd be honest and say so. Alec said with wounded dignity, I do not see how you can say such unkind and unjust things. There is no such thing as immoral piety. Sally felt a pang, but tried to conceal it under a shuffling attempt to save his case by changing the form of it, as if changing the form while retaining the juice could deceive the expert he was trying to placate. He said, I didn't mean so bad as that, Alec. I didn't really mean immoral piety. I only meant conventional piety, you know. Shopp piety. You know what I mean. Alec, where you put up that plated article and play it for solid, without intending anything improper, but just out of trade habit, ancient policy, petrified custom, loyalty to hang it, I can't find the right words, but you know what I mean, Alec, and that there isn't any harm in it. I'll try again. You see it's this way. If a person you have said quite enough, said Alec coldly, let the subject be dropped. I'm willing, fervently responded Sally, wiping the sweat from his forehead and looking the thankfulness he had no words for. Then musingly he apologized to himself. I certainly held threes, I know it, but I drew and didn't fill. That's where I'm so often weak in the game, if I had stood pat. But I didn't. I never do. I don't know enough. Confessedly defeated, he was properly tame now and subdued. Alec forgave him with her eyes. The grand interest, the supreme interest, came instantly to the front again. Nothing could keep it in the background many minutes on a stretch. The couple took up the puzzle of the absence of Tilbury's death-notice. They discussed it every which way, more or less, hopefully, but they had to finish where they began, and concede that the only really sane explanation of the absence of the notice must be, and without doubt was, that Tilbury was not dead. There was something sad about it, something even a little unfair maybe, but there it was, and had to be put up with. They were agreed as to that. To Sally it seemed a strangely inscrutable dispensation, more inscrutable than usual, he thought. One of the most unnecessary inscrutables he could call to mind, in fact, and said so, with some feeling. But if he was hoping to draw Alec, he failed. She reserved her opinion, if she had one. She had not the habit of taking in judicious risks in any market, worldly or other. The pair must wait for next week's paper. Tilbury had evidently postponed. That was their thought and their decision. So they put the subject away and went about their affairs again with as good heart as they could. Now, if they had but known it, they had been wronging Tilbury all the time. Tilbury had kept faith, kept it to the letter. He was dead. He had died to schedule. He was dead more than four days now, and used to it. Entirely dead, perfectly dead, as dead as any other new person in the cemetery. Dead in abundant time to get into that week's Sagamore, too, and only shut out by an accident. An accident which could not happen to a metropolitan journal, but which happens easily to a poor little village rag like the Sagamore. On this occasion, just as the editorial page was being locked up, a gratis court of strawberry water-ice arrived from Hostetter's ladies' and gents' ice-cream parlours, and the stickful of rather chilly regret over Tilbury's translation got crowded out to make room for the editor's frantic gratitude. On its way to the standing galley, Tilbury's notice got pied. Otherwise, it would have gone into some future addition for weekly Sagamores do not waste live matter, and in their galleys, live matter is immortal unless a pie accident intervenes. But a thing that gets pied is dead, and for such there is no resurrection. Its chance of seeing print is gone, for ever and ever, and so, let Tilbury like it or not, let him rave in his grave to his fill, no matter, no mention of his death would ever see the light in the weekly Sagamore. End of chapter 3 This is section 4 and chapter 4 of the $30,000 bequest and other stories by Mark Twain. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. The $30,000 bequest by Mark Twain. Chapter 4 Five weeks drifted tediously along, the Sagamore arrived regularly on the Saturdays, but never once contained a mention of Tilbury Foster. Sally's patients broke down at this point, and he said resentfully, Damn his livers, he's immortal! Alec gave him a very severe rebuke, and added with icy solemnity, How would you feel if you were suddenly cut out just after such an awful remark had escaped out of you? Without sufficient reflection Sally responded, I'd feel I was lucky I hadn't got caught with it in me. Pride had forced him to say something, and as he could not think of any rational thing to say, he flung that out. Then he stole a base, as he called it, that is, slipped from the presence, to keep from being braid in his wife's discussion mortar. Six months came and went. The Sagamore was still silent about Tilbury. Meantime Sally had several times thrown out a feeler, that is, a hint that he would like to know. Alec had ignored the hints. Sally now resolved to brace up and risk a frontal attack, so he squarely proposed to disguise himself and go to Tilbury's village and surreptitiously find out as to the prospects. Alec put her foot on the dangerous project with energy and decision. She said, What can you be thinking of? You do keep my hands full. You have to be watched all the time, like a little child, to keep you from walking into the fire. You'll stay right where you are. Why Alec, I could do it and not be found out, I'm certain of it. Sally Foster, don't you know you would have to inquire around? Of course, but what of it? Nobody would suspect who I was. Oh, listen to the man. Someday you've got to prove to the executors that you never inquired. What then? He had forgotten that detail. He didn't reply. There wasn't anything to say. Alec added, Now then, drop that notion out of your mind and don't ever meddle with it again. Tilbury set that trap for you. Don't you know it's a trap? He is on the watch and fully expecting you to blunder into it. Well, he is going to be disappointed, at least while I am on debt. Sally, well, as long as you live, if it's a hundred years, don't you ever make an inquiry? Promise. All right, with a sigh and reluctantly. Then Alec softened and said, Don't be impatient. We are prospering. We can wait. There is no hurry. Our small, dead certain income increases all the time. And as to futures, I have not made a mistake yet. They are piling up by the thousands and tens of thousands. There is not another family in the state with such prospects as ours. Already we are beginning to roll in eventual wealth. You know that, don't you? Yes, Alec, it's certainly so. Then be grateful for what God is doing for us and stop worrying. You do not believe we could have achieved these prodigious results without his special help and guidance, do you? Hesitatingly. No, I suppose not. And with feeling and admiration. And yet, when it comes to judiciousness in watering a stock or putting up a hand to Skin Wall Street, I don't give in that you need any outside amateur help. If I do wish I, oh, do, shut up. I know you do not mean any harm or any irreverence, poor boy, but you can't seem to open your mouth without letting out things to make a person shudder. You keep me in constant dread, for you and for all of us. Once I had no fear of the thunder, but now, when I hear it, I—her voice broke, and she began to cry, and could not finish. The sight of this smote Sally to the heart, and he took her in his arms, and petted her, and comforted her, and promised better conduct, and upgraded himself and remorsefully pleaded for forgiveness. And he was in earnest and sorry for what he had done, and ready for any sacrifice that could make up for it. And so, in privacy, he thought long and deeply over the matter, resolving to do what should seem best. It was easy to promise reform. Indeed, he had already promised it. But would that do any real good, any permanent good? No. It would be but temporary. He knew his weakness, and confessed it to himself with sorrow. He could not keep the promise. Something sureer and better must be devised, and he devised it. At cost of precious money which he had longed in saving up, shilling by shilling, he put a lightning rod on the house. At a subsequent time he relapsed. What miracles habit can do, and how quickly and how easily habits are acquired, both trifling habits and habits which profoundly change us? If by accident we wake at two in the morning, a couple of nights in succession, we have need to be uneasy, for another repetition can turn the accident into a habit, and a month's dallying with whiskey, but we all know these commonplace facts. The castle-building habit, the day-dreaming habit, how it grows, what a luxury it becomes, how we fly to its enchantments at every idle moment, how we revel in them, steep our souls in them, intoxicate ourselves with their beguiling fantasies. Oh yes, and how soon and how easily our dream life and our material life become so intermingled and so fused together, that we can't quite tell which is which any more. By and by Alec subscribed for a Chicago Daly, and for the Wall Street Pointer, with an eye single to finance, she studied these as diligently all the week as she studied her Bible Sundays. Sally was lost in admiration, to note with what swift and sure strides her genius and judgment developed, and expanded in the forecasting and handling of the securities of both the material and spiritual markets. He was proud of her nerve and daring in exploiting worldly stocks, and just as proud of her conservative caution in working her spiritual deals. He noted that she never lost her head in either case, that with a splendid courage she often went short on worldly futures, but heedfully drew the line there, she was always long on the others. Her policy was quite sane and simple, as she explained it to him. What she put into earthly futures was for speculation, what she put into spiritual futures was for investment. She was willing to go into the one on a margin, and take chances, but in the case of the other, margin her no margins. She wanted to cash in a hundred cents per dollar's worth, and have the stock transferred on the books. It took but a very few months to educate Alec's imagination and Sally's. Each day's training added something to the spread and effectiveness of the two machines. As a consequence Alec made imaginary money much faster than at first she had dreamed of making it, and Sally's competency in spending the overflow of it kept pace with the strain put upon it right along. In the beginning Alec had given the coal speculation a twelve month in which to materialize, and had been loathed to grant that this term might possibly be shortened by nine months, but that was the feeble work, the nursery work of a financial fancy that had had no teaching, no experience, no practice. These aids soon came, then that nine months bashed, and the imaginary ten thousand dollar investment came marching home with three hundred percent profit on its back. It was a great day for the pair of fosters, they were speechless for joy, also speechless for another reason. After much watching of the market Alec had lately with fear and trembling made her first flyer on a margin using the remaining twenty thousand of the bequest in this risk. In her mind's eye she had seen it climb point by point always with a chance that the market would break, until at last her anxieties were too great for further endurance, she being new to the margin business and unhardened as yet, and she gave her imaginary broker an imaginary order by imaginary telegraph to sell. She said forty thousand dollars profit was enough. The sale was made on the very day that the coal venture had returned with its rich freight. As I have said the couple were speechless, they sat dazed and blissful that night, trying to realize the immense fact, the overwhelming fact that they were actually worth a hundred thousand dollars in clean imaginary cash. Yet so it was. It was the last time that ever Alec was afraid of a margin, at least afraid enough to let it break her sleep and pale her cheek to the extent that this first experience in that line had done. Indeed it was a memorable night. Gradually the realization that they were rich sank securely home into the souls of the pair, then they began to place the money. If we could have looked out through the eyes of these dreamers, we should have seen their tidy little wooden house disappear, and two-story brick with a cast-iron fence in front of it take its place. We should have seen a three-globed gas chandelier grow down from the parlor ceiling. We should have seen the homely rag carpet turn to noble Brussels, a dollar and a half a yard. And we should have seen the plebeian fireplace vanish away, and a recherche, big base burner with eyes and glass windows take position and spread all around. And we should have seen other things too, among them the buggy, the lap-robe, the stovepipe hat, and so on. From that time forth, although the daughters and the neighbors saw only the same old wooden house there, it was a two-story brick to Alec and Sally, and not a night went by that Alec did not worry about the imaginary gas-bills and get, for all comfort, Sally's reckless retort. What of it? We can afford it! Before the couple went to bed that first night that they were rich, they had decided that they must celebrate. They must give a party. That was the idea. But how to explain it to the daughters and the neighbors? They could not expose the fact that they were rich. Sally was willing, even anxious, to do it. But Alec kept her head and would not allow it. She said that, although the money was as good as in, it would be as well to wait until it was actually in. On that policy she took her stand and would not budge. The great secret must be kept, she said, kept from the daughters and everybody else. The pair were puzzled. They must celebrate. They were determined to celebrate. But since the secret must be kept, what could they celebrate? No birthdays were due for three months. Tilbury wasn't available, evidently he was going to live forever. What the nation could they celebrate? That was Sally's way of putting it, and he was getting impatient too, and harassed. But at last he hit it, just by sheer inspiration as it seemed to him, and all their troubles were gone in a moment. They would celebrate the discovery of America. A splendid idea. Alec was almost too proud of Sally for words. She said she never would have thought of it. But Sally, although he was bursting with delight in the compliment and with wonder at himself, tried not to let on, and said it wasn't really anything. Anybody could have done it. Were not Alec, with a prideful toss of her happy head, said, Oh, certainly. Anybody could. Oh, anybody. Hosanna Dilkins, for instance, or maybe Adalbert Peanut. Oh, dear, yes. Well, I'd like to see them try it, that's all. Dear me, says, if they could think of the discovery of a forty acre island, it's more than I believe they could. And as for the whole continent, why, Sally Foster, you know perfectly well it would strain the livers and lights out of them, and then they couldn't. The dear woman, she knew he had talent, and if affection made her overestimate the size of it a little, surely it was a sweet and gentle crime, and forgivable for its source's sake. End of Chapter 4 This is Section 5, in Chapter 5 of The Thirty Thousand Dollar Bequest and Other Stories by Mark Twain. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. The Thirty Thousand Dollar Bequest by Mark Twain, Chapter 5 The celebration went off well. The friends were all present, both the young and the old. Among the young were Flossie and Gracie Peanut and their brother Adalbert, who was a rising young journeyman-tinner. Also, Hosanna Dilkins Jr., journeyman-plasterer, just out of his apprenticeship. For many months Adalbert and Hosanna had been showing interest in Gwendolyn and Clytemestra Foster, and the parents of the girls had noticed this with private satisfaction. But they suddenly realized now that that feeling had passed. They recognized that the changed financial conditions had raised up a social bar between their daughters and the young mechanics. The daughters could now look higher, and must, yes, must. They need marry nothing below the grade of lawyer or merchant. Papa and Mama would take care of this. There must be no misalliances. However, these thinkings and projects of theirs were private and did not show on the surface, and therefore threw no shadow upon the celebration. What showed upon the surface was a serene and lofty contentment, and a dignity of carriage and gravity of deportment, which compelled the admiration and likewise the wonder of the company. All noticed it, all commented upon it. But none was able to divine the secret of it. It was a marvel and a mystery. Three several persons remarked, without suspecting what clever shots they were making, it's as if they'd come into property. That was just it, indeed. Most mothers would have taken hold of the matrimonial matter in the old regulation way. They would have given the girls a talking-to of a solemn sort and untactful. A lecturer calculated to defeat its own purpose by producing tears and secret rebellion. And the said mothers would have further damaged the business by requesting the young mechanics to discontinue their attentions. But this mother was different. She was practical. She said nothing to any of the young people concerned, nor to anyone else, except Sally. He listened to her and understood, understood and admired. He said, I get the idea. Instead of finding fault with the samples on view, thus hurting feelings and obstructing trade without occasion, you merely offer a higher class of goods for the money and leave nature to take her course. It's wisdom, Alec, solid wisdom, and sound as a nut. Who's your fish? Have you nominated him yet? No, she hadn't. They must look the market over, which they did. To start with, they considered and discussed brandish, rising young lawyer, and Fulton, rising young dentist. Sally must invite them to dinner, but not right away. There was no hurry, Alec said. Keep an eye on the pair and wait. Nothing would be lost by going slowly and so important a matter. It turned out that this was wisdom too. For inside of three weeks, Alec made a wonderful strike which swelled her imaginary hundred thousand to four hundred thousand of the same quality. She and Sally were in the clouds that evening. For the first time, they introduced champagne at dinner. Not real champagne, but plenty real enough for the amount of imagination expended on it. It was Sally that did it, and Alec weakly submitted. At bottom, both were troubled and ashamed, for he was a high-up son of temperance, and at funerals wore an apron which no dog could look upon and retain his reason and his opinion. And she was a WCTU, with all that that implies, of boiler-iron virtue and unendurable holiness. But there it was. The pride of riches was beginning its disintegrating work. They had lived to prove once more a sad truth, which had proven many times before in the world, that whereas principle is a great and noble protection against showy and degrading vanities and vices, poverty is worth six of it. More than four hundred thousand dollars to the good, they took up the matrimonial matter again. Neither the dentist nor the lawyer was mentioned. There was no occasion. They were out of the running, disqualified. They discussed the son of the pork-packer and the son of the village banker. But finally, as in the previous case, they concluded to wait, and think, and go cautiously and sure. Luck came their way again. Alec, ever watchful, saw a great and risky chance, and took a daring flier. A time of trembling of doubt, of awful uneasiness followed, for non-success meant absolute ruin and nothing short of it. Then came the result, and Alec, fainting with joy, could hardly control her voice when she said, The suspense is over, Sally, and we are worth a cold million. Sally wept for gratitude and said, Oh, Electra! Jewel of women! Darling of my heart, we are free at last! We roll in wealth! We need never scrimp again! It's a case for Verve Clico! And he got out a pint of spruce beer and made sacrifice, he saying, Damn the expense! And she rebuking him gently with reproachful but humid and happy eyes. They shelved the pork-packer's son and the banker's son, and sat down to consider the governor's son and the son of the congressman. End of chapter 5 This is section 6 of the $30,000 Bequest and Other Stories by Mark Twain. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. The $30,000 Bequest by Mark Twain. Chapter 6 It were a weariness to follow in detail the leaps and bounds the foster fictitious finances took from this time forth. It was marvelous! It was dizzying! It was dazzling! Everything Alec touched turned to fairy gold, and heaped itself glittering toward the firmament. Millions upon millions poured in, and still the mighty stream flowed, thundering along, still its vast volume increased. Five millions, ten millions, twenty, thirty! Was there never to be an end? Two years swept by in a splendid delirium, the intoxicated fosters scarcely noticing the flight of time. They were now worth three hundred million dollars. They were in every board of directors every prodigious combine in the country, and still, as time drifted along, the millions went on piling up five at a time, ten at a time, as fast as they could tally them off almost. The three hundred doubled itself, then doubled again, and yet again, and yet once more, twenty four hundred millions. The business was getting a little confused. It was necessary to take an account of stock and straighten it out. The fosters knew it, they felt it, they realized that it was imperative. But they also knew that, to do it properly and perfectly, the task must be carried to a finish without a break when once it was begun. A ten hours job! And where could they find ten leisure hours in a bunch? Sally was selling pins and sugar and calico all day and every day. Alec was cooking and washing dishes and sweeping and making beds all day and every day, with none to help, for the daughters were being saved up for high society. The fosters knew there was one way to get the ten hours and only one, both, were ashamed to name it, each waited for the other to do it. Finally, Sally said, somebody's got to give in, it's up to me. Consider that I've named it, never mind pronouncing it aloud. Alec colored, but was grateful. Without further remark they fell, fell and broke the Sabbath. For that was their only free ten hour stretch. It was but another step in the downward path. Others would follow. Vast wealth has temptations which fatally and surely undermine the moral structure of persons not habituated to its possession. They pulled down the shades and broke the Sabbath. With hard and patient labor they overhauled their holdings and listed them. And a long drawn procession of formidable names it was, starting with the railway systems, steamer lines, standard oil, ocean cables, diluted telegraph, and all the rest and winding up with Klondike, De Beers, Tammany graft, and shady privileges in the post office department. Twenty-four hundred millions and all safely planted in good things, guilt-edged and interest-bearing. Income, a hundred and twenty million a year. Alec fetched a long purr of soft delight and said, Is it enough? It is, Alec. What shall we do? Stand pat. Retire from business? That's it. I am agreed. The good work is finished. We will take a long rest and enjoy the money. Good. Alec, yes, dear. How much of the income can we spend? The whole of it. It seemed to her husband that a ton of chains fell from his limbs. He did not say a word. He was happy beyond the power of speech. After that they broke the Sabbath right along as fast as they turned up. It is the first wrong steps that count. Every Sunday they put in the whole day, after morning service, on inventions. Inventions of ways to spend the money. They got to continuing this delicious dissipation until past midnight, and at every seance Alec lavished millions upon great charities and religious enterprises, and Sally lavished like sums upon matters to which, at first, he gave definite names, only at first. Later the names gradually lost sharpness of outline and eventually faded into sundries, thus becoming entirely, but safely, undescriptive. For Sally was crumbling. The placing of these millions added seriously and most uncomfortably to the family expenses in tallow candles. For a while Alec was worried. Then after a little she ceased to worry, for the occasion of it was gone. She was pained. She was grieved. She was ashamed. But she said nothing, and so became an accessory. Sally was taking candles. He was robbing the store. It is ever thus. Vast wealth, to the person unaccustomed to it, is a bane. It eats into the flesh and bone of his morals. When the fosters were poor they could have been trusted with untold candles. But now they—but let us not dwell upon it. From candles to apples is but a step. Sally got to taking apples. Then soap. Then maple sugar. Then canned goods. Then crockery. How easy it is to go from bad to worse, when once we have started upon a downward course. Meantime other effects had been milestoneing the course of the fosters blended financial march. The fictitious brick dwelling had given place to an imaginary granite one with a checkerboard mansored roof. In time this one disappeared and gave place to a still grandeur home, and so on and so on. Mansion after mansion made of air, rose, higher, broader, finer, and each in its turn vanished away. Until now, in these latter great days, our dreamers were in fancy housed and in a distant region in a sumptuous vast palace which looked out from a leafy summit upon a noble prospect of veil and river, and receiving hills steeped in tinted mists and all private, all the property of the dreamers, a palace swarming with liveried servants and populace with guests of fame and power, hailing from all the world's capitals, foreign, and domestic. This palace was far, far away toward the rising sun, immeasurably remote, astronomically remote, in Newport, Rhode Island, Holy Land of High Society, ineffable domain of the American aristocracy. As a rule they spent a part of every Sabbath, after morning service, in this sumptuous home, the rest of it they spent in Europe, or in dawdling around in their private yacht. Six days of sordid and plodding fact-life at home on the ragged edge of lakeside and straightened means, the seventh in fairyland, such had become their program and their habit. In their sternly restricted fact-life they remained as of old, plodding, diligent, careful, practical, economical. They stuck loyally to the little Presbyterian church, and labored faithfully in its interests, and stood by its high and tough doctrines with all their mental and spiritual energies. But in their dream-life they obeyed the invitations of their fancies, whatever they might be, and howsoever the fancies might change. Alex's fancies were not very capricious and not frequent, but Sally's scattered a good deal. Alec, in her dream-life, went over to the Episcopal camp on account of its large official titles. Next she became High Church on account of the candles and shows, and next she naturally changed to Rome, where there were cardinals and more candles. But these excursions were a nothing to Sally's. His dream-life was a glowing and continuous and persistent excitement, and he kept every part of it fresh and sparkling by frequent changes, the religious part along with the rest. He worked his religions hard and changed them with his shirt. The liberal spendings of the fosters upon their fancies began early in their prosperities, and grew in prodigality step by step with their advancing fortunes. In time they became truly enormous. Alec built a university or two per Sunday. Also a hospital or two. Also a roken hotel or so. Also a batch of churches. Now and then a cathedral, and once, with untimely and ill-chosen playfulness, Sally said, it was a cold day when she didn't ship a cargo of missionaries to persuade unreflecting Chinamen to trade off 24-carat Confucianism for counterfeit Christianity. This rude and unfeeling language hurt Alec to the heart, and she went from the presence crying. That spectacle went to his own heart, and in his pain and shame he would have given worlds to have those unkind words back. She had uttered no syllable of reproach, and that cut him. Not one suggestion that he look at his own record, and she could have made, oh, so many and such blistering ones. Her generous silence brought a swift revenge, for it turned his thoughts upon himself. It summoned before him a spectral procession, a moving vision of his life, as he had been leading it these past few years of limitless prosperity, and as he sat there reviewing it his cheeks burned, and his soul was steeped in humiliation. Look at her life, how fair it was, and tending ever upward, and look at his own, how frivolous, how charged with mean vanities, how selfish, how empty, how ignoble, and its trend never upward, but downward, ever downward. He instituted comparisons between her record and his own. He had found fault with her, so he mused, he. And what could he say for himself? When she built her first church, what was he doing? Gathering other blasé multi-millionaires into a poker club, defiling his own palace with it, losing hundreds of thousands to it at every sitting, and silly vein of the admiring notoriety it made for him. When she was building her first university, what was he doing? Polluting himself with a gay and dissipated secret life in the company of other fast-bloods, multi-millionaires in money and paupers and character. When she was building her first foundling asylum, what was he doing? Alas, when she was projecting her noble society for the purifying of the sex, what was he doing? Ah, what indeed! When she and the WCTU and the woman with the hatchet moving with resistless march were sweeping the fatal bottle from the land, what was he doing? Getting drunk three times a day. When she, builder of a hundred cathedrals, was being gratefully welcomed and blessed in Papal Rome and decorated with the golden rose which she had so honorably earned, what was he doing? Breaking the bank at Monte Carlo. He stopped. He could go no farther. He could not bear the rest. He rose up, with a great resolution upon his lips. This secret life should be revealing and confessed. No longer would he live it clandestinely. He would go and tell her all. And that is what he did. He told her all, and wept upon her bosom, wept and moaned and begged for her forgiveness. It was a profound shock, and she staggered under the blow. But he was her own, the core of her heart, the blessing of her eyes, her all in all. She could deny him nothing and she forgave him. She felt that he could never again be quite to her what he had been before. She knew that he could only repent and not reform. Yet all morally defaced and decayed as he was, was he not her own, her very own, the idol of her deathless worship? She said she was his serf, his slave, and she opened her yearning heart and took him in. There was silence, for each was busy with his own thoughts. These seasons of silence had insensibly been growing more and more frequent of late. The old nearness and cordiality were waning. Sally's terrible revelation had done its work. Alec had tried hard to drive the memory of it out of her mind, but it would not go, and the shame and bitterness of it were poisoning her gracious dream life. She could see now, on Sundays, that her husband was becoming a bloated and repulsive thing. She could not close her eyes to this, and in these days she no longer looked at him, Sundays, when she could help it. But she—was she herself without blemish? Alas, she knew she was not. She was keeping a secret from him. She was acting dishonorably toward him, and many a pang it was costing her. She was breaking the compact and concealing it from him. Under strong temptations she had gone into business again, she had risked their whole fortune in a purchase of all the railway systems and coal and steel companies in the country on a margin, and she was now trembling, every Sabbath hour, lest through some chance word of hers he find it out. In her misery and remorse for this treachery she could not keep her heart from going out to him in pity. She was filled with compunctions to see him lying there, drunk and content, and never suspecting—never suspecting—trusting her with a perfect and pathetic trust, and she holding over him by a thread, a possible calamity of so devastating a—say, Alec—the interrupting words brought her suddenly to herself. She was grateful to have that persecuting subject from her thoughts, and she answered with much of the old-time tenderness in her tone. Yes, dear? Do you know, Alec, I think we are making a mistake. That is, you are. I mean, about the marriage business. He sat up fat and groggy and benevolent, like a bronze Buddha, and grew earnest. Consider, it's more than five years. You've continued the same policy from the start, with every rise, always holding on for five points higher. Always, when I think we are going to have some weddings, you see a bigger thing ahead, and I undergo another disappointment. I think you are too hard to please. Someday we'll get left. First, we turn down the dentist and the lawyer. That was all right. It was sound. Next, we turn down the banker's son and the pork butcher's heir, right again and sound. Next, we turn down the congressman's son and the governor's, right as a trivet, I confess it. Next, the senator's son and the son of the vice-president of the United States. Perfectly right. There is no permanency about those little distinctions. Then you went for the aristocracy, and I thought we had struck oil at last. Yes. We would make a plunge at the four hundred and pull in some ancient lineage, venerable, holy, ineffable, mellow with the antiquity of a hundred and fifty years, disinfected of the ancestral odors of salt cod and pelts all of a century ago, and unsmerched by a day's work since. And then, why then the marriages, of course. But no, along comes a pair of real aristocrats from Europe, and straightway you throw over the half-breeds. It was awfully discouraging, Alec. Since then, what a procession. You turn down the baronets for a pair of barons. You turn down the barons for a pair of viscounts. The viscounts for a pair of urls. The urls for a pair of marquises. The marquises for a brace of dukes. Now, Alec, cash in. You've played the limit. You've got a job lot of four dukes under the hammer, of four nationalities. All sound in the wind and limb and pedigree. All bankrupt and in debt up to the ears. They come high, but we can afford it. Come, Alec, don't delay any longer. Don't keep up the suspense. Take the whole lay out and leave the girls to choose." Alec had been smiling blandly and contentedly, all through this arraignment of her marriage policy. A pleasant light, as of triumph, with perhaps a nice surprise peeping out through it, rose in her eyes, and she said as calmly as she could. Sally, what would you say to royalty? Prudigious. Poor man, it knocked him silly, and he fell over the garbored streak and barked his shin on the cat-heads. He was dizzy for a moment, then he gathered himself up and limped over and sat down by his wife and beamed his old-time admiration and affection upon her and floods out of his bleary eyes. By George, he said, fervently, Alec, you are great. The greatest woman in the whole earth. I can't ever learn the whole size of you. I can't ever learn the immeasurable deeps of you. Here I've been considering myself qualified to criticize your game. I? Why, if I had stopped to think, I'd have known you had a lone hand up your sleeve. Now, dear heart, I'm all red-hot impatience. Tell me about it. The flattered and happy woman put her lips to his ear and whispered a princely name. It made him catch his breath. It lit his face with exaltation. Land, he said. It's a stunning catch. He's got a gambling hell, and a graveyard, and a bishop, and a cathedral, all his very own, and an all-guilt-edged five-hundred-percent stock. Every detail of it. The tidiest little property in Europe, and that graveyard. It's the selectest in the world. None but suicide's admitted. Yes, sir. And the free list suspended, too, all the time. There isn't much land in the principality, but there's enough. Eight-hundred acres in the graveyard, and forty-two outside. It's a sovereignty. That's the main thing. Land's nothing. There's plenty land. Sahara's drugged with it. Alec glowed. She was profoundly happy. She said, Think of it, Sally. It is a family that has never married outside the royal and imperial houses of Europe. Our grandchildren will sit upon thrones. True as you live, Alec, and bear sceptres, too, and handle them as naturally and nonchantly as I handle a yardstick. It's a grand catch, Alec. He's corral, is he? Can't get away? You didn't take him on a margin? No. Trust me for that. He's not a liability. He's an asset. So is the other one. Who is it, Alec? His royal highness Sigismund Sigrid Laundfeld Dinkelspiel Schwarzenberg Blutwurst Hereditary Grand Duke of Katzenjammer No, you can't mean it. It's as true as I'm sitting here. I give you my word, she answered. His cup was full, and he hugged her to his heart with rapture, saying, How wonderful it all seems and how beautiful! It's one of the oldest and noblest of the three hundred and sixty-four ancient German principalities, and one of the few that was allowed to retain its royal estate when Bismarck got done trimming them. I know that farm. I've been there. It's got a rope-walk and a candle factory and an army, standing army, infantry and cavalry, three soldiers and a horse. Alec, it's been a long wait and full of heartbreak and hope deferred, but God knows I am happy now, happy and grateful to you, my own, who have done it all. When is it to be? Next Sunday. Good. And we'll want to do these weddings up in the very regalist style that's going. It's properly due to the royal quality of the parties of the first part. Now, as I understand it, there's only one kind of marriage that is sacred to royalty, exclusive to royalty. It's the Morganatic. What do you call it that for, Sally? I don't know. But anyway, it's royal, and royal only. Then we will insist upon it. More, I will compel it. It is Morganatic marriage or none. That settles it, said Sally, rubbing his hands with delight. And it will be the very first in America. Alec, it will make Newport sick. Then they fell silent and drifted away upon their dream wings to the far regions of the earth, to invite all the crowned heads and their families, and provide gratis transportation to them. End of chapter 7. This is section 8 of the $30,000 Bequest and Other Stories by Mark Twain. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. The $30,000 Bequest by Mark Twain. Chapter 8 During three days the couple walked upon air with their heads in the clouds. They were but vaguely conscious of their surroundings. They saw all things dimly, as through a veil. They were steeped in dreams. Often they did not hear when they were spoken to. They often did not understand when they heard. They answered confusedly, or at random. Sally sold molasses by weight, sugar by the yard, and furnished soap when asked for candles. And Alec put the cat in the wash and fed milk to the soiled linen. Everybody was stunned and amazed, and went about muttering, What can be the matter with the fosters? Three days. Then came events. Things had taken a happy turn, and for forty-eight hours Alec's imaginary corner had been booming. Up, up, still, up. Cost point was passed. Still up, and up, and up. Five points above cost. Then ten, fifteen, twenty, twenty points cold profit on the vast venture now. And Alec's imaginary brokers were shouting frantically by imaginary long distance, sell, sell, for heaven's sake, sell! She broke the splendid news to Sally, and he too said, sell, sell, oh, don't make a blunder now, you own the earth, sell, sell! But she set her iron will and lashed at midships, and said she would hold on for five points more if she died for it. It was a fatal resolve. The very next day came the historic crash, the record crash, the devastating crash, when the bottom fell out of Wall Street, and the whole body of gilt-edge stocks dropped ninety-five points in five hours, and the multimillionaire was seen begging his bread in the bowery. Alec sternly held her grip and put up as long as she could. But at last there came a call which she was powerless to meet, and her imaginary brokers sold her out. Then, and not till then, the man in her was vanished, and the woman in her resumed sway. She put her arms about her husband's neck and wept. Saying, I am to blame, and do not forgive me, I cannot bear it. We are paupers—paupers, and I am so miserable. The weddings will never come off. All that is past. We could not even buy the dentist now. A bitter reproach was on Sally's tongue. I begged you to sell, but you— he did not say it. He had not the heart to add a hurt to that broken and repentant spirit. A nobler thought came to him, and he said, Bear up, my Alec. All is not lost. You really never invested a penny of my uncle's bequest, but only its unmaterialized future. What we have lost was only the incremented harvest from that future by your incomparable financial judgment and sagacity. Cheer up! Banish these griefs. We still have the thirty thousand untouched, and with the experience which you have acquired, think what you will be able to do with it in a couple of years. The marriages are not off, they are only postponed. These were blessed words. Alec saw how true they were, and their influence was electric. Her tears ceased to flow, and her great spirit rose to its full stature again. With flashing eye and grateful heart, and with hand uplifted in pledge and prophecy, she said, Now and here I proclaim— But she was interrupted by a visitor. It was the editor and proprietor of the Sagamore. He had happened into Lakeside to pay a duty call upon an obscure grandmother of his who was nearing the end of her pilgrimage, and with the idea of combining business with grief, he had looked up the fosters, who had been so absorbed in other things for the past four years, that they neglected to pay up their subscription. Six dollars due. No visitor could have been more welcome. He would know all about Uncle Tilbury, and what his chances might be getting to be cemetery words. They could, of course, ask no questions, for that would squelch the bequest. But they could nibble around on the edge of the subject and hope for results. The scheme did not work. The obtuse editor did not know he was being nibbled at, but at last, chance accomplished what art had failed in. In illustration of something under discussion which required the help of metaphor, the editor said, Land, it's as tough as Tilbury Foster, as we say. It was sudden, and it made the fosters jump. The editor noticed and said apologetically, No harm intended, I assure you. It's just a saying, just a joke, you know, nothing of it. Relation of yours? Sally crowded his burning eagerness down, and answered with all the indifference he could assume. I—well, not that I know of, but we've heard of him. The editor was thankful and resumed his composure. Sally added, Is he—is he—well? Is he well? Why, bless you, he's in she all these five years. The fosters were trembling with grief, though it felt like joy. Sally said, noncommittally and tentatively, Ah! well, such is life and none can escape, not even the rich are spared. The editor laughed. If you are including Tilbury, said he, It don't apply. He hadn't a cent. The town had to bury him. The fosters sat petrified for two minutes, petrified and cold. Then, white-faced and weak-voiced, Sally asked, Is it true? Do you know it to be true? Well, I should say, I was one of the executors. He hadn't anything to leave but a wheelbarrow, and he left that to me. It hadn't any wheel, and wasn't any good. Still, it was something, and so, to square up, I scribbled off a sort of a little obituarial send-off for him. But it got crowded out. The fosters were not listening. Their cup was full. It could contain no more. They sat with bowed heads, dead to all things but the ache at their hearts. An hour later, still they sat there, bowed, motionless, silent, the visitor long ago gone, they unaware. Then they stirred, and lifted their heads wearily, and gazed at each other wistfully, dreamily, dazed. Then, presently, began to twaddle to each other in a wandering and childish way. At intervals they lapsed into silences, leaving a sentence unfinished, seemingly either unaware of it or losing their way. Sometimes, when they woke out of these silences, they had a dim and transient consciousness that something had happened to their minds. Then, with a dumb and yearning solicitude, they would softly caress each other's hands in mutual compassion and support, as if they would say, I am near you, I will not forsake you, we will bear it together. Somewhere there is release and forgetfulness. Somewhere there is a grave and peace. Be patient, it will not be long. They lived yet two years in mental night, always brooding, steeped in vague regrets and melancholy dreams, never speaking. Then release came to both on the same day. Toward the end the darkness lifted from Sally's ruined mind for a moment, and he said, vast wealth, acquired by sudden and unwholesome means, is a snare. It did us no good, transient were its feverish pleasures, yet for its sake we threw away our sweet and simple and happy life, let others take warning by us. He lay silent a while, with closed eyes. Then as the chill of death crept upward toward his heart and consciousness was fading from his brain, he muttered, money had brought him misery, and he took his revenge upon us who had done him no harm. He had his desire, with base and cunning calculation, he left us but thirty thousand, knowing we would try to increase it and ruin our life and break our hearts. Without added expense he could have left us far above desire of increase, far above the temptation to speculate, and a kinder soul would have done it, but in him was no generous spirit, no pity, no— End of Chapter 8 AND END OF THE 30 THOUSAND DOLLAR BEQUEST This is Section 9 of The 30 Thousand Dollar Bequest and Other Stories by Mark Twain. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. A Dog's Tale by Mark Twain, Chapter 1 My father was a Saint Bernard. My mother was a Collie. But I am a Presbyterian. This is what my mother told me. I do not know these nice distinctions myself. To me they are only fine large words meaning nothing. My mother had a fondness for such. She liked to say them, and see other dogs look surprised and envious, as wondering how she got so much education. But, indeed, it was not real education. It was only show. She got the words by listening in the dining-room and drawing-room when there was company, and by going with the children to Sunday school and listening there. And whenever she heard a large word, she said it over to herself many times, and so was able to keep it until there was a dogmatic gathering in the neighbourhood, then she would get it off, and surprise and distress them all from Pocket Pup to Mastiff, which rewarded her for all her trouble. If there was a stranger, he was nearly sure to be suspicious, and when he got his breath again he would ask her what it meant, and she always told him. He was never expecting this, but thought he would catch her, so when she told him, he was the one that looked ashamed, whereas he had thought it was going to be she. The others were always waiting for this and glad of it and proud of her, for they knew what was going to happen because they had had experience. When she told the meaning of a big word, they were also taken up with admiration that it never occurred to any dog to doubt if it was the right one. And that was natural, because, for one thing, she answered up so promptly that it seemed like a dictionary speaking, and, for another thing, where could they find out whether it was right or not, for she was the only cultivated dog there was. By and by, when I was older, she brought home the word unintellectual one time, and worked it pretty hard all the week at different gatherings, making much unhappiness and despondency. And it was at this time that I noticed that during that week she was asked for the meaning at eight different assemblages, and flashed out a fresh definition every time, which showed me that she had more presence of mind than culture, though I said nothing, of course. She had one word which she always kept on hand and ready, like a life-preserver, a kind of emergency word to strap on when she was likely to get washed overboard in a sudden way. That was the word synonymous. When she happened to fetch out a long word, which had had its day weeks before, and its prepared meanings gone to her dump-pile, if there was a stranger there, of course it knocked him groggy for a couple of minutes, then he would come to, and by that time she would be away downwind on another tack, and not expecting anything. So when he'd hail and ask her to cash in, I, the only dog on the inside of her game, could see her canvas flicker a moment, but only just a moment. Then it would belly out, taut and full, and she would say as calm as a summer's day, it's synonymous with super-rerigation, or some godless long reptile of a word like that, and go placidly about and skim away on the next tack, perfectly comfortable, you know, and leave that stranger-looking profane and embarrassed, and the initiated slatting the floor with her tails in unison, and their faces transfigured with a holy joy. And it was the same with phrases. She would drag home a whole phrase if it had a grand sound, and play at six nights and two matinees, and explain it a new way every time, which she had to, for all she cared for was the phrase. She wasn't interested in what it meant, and knew those dogs hadn't wit enough to catch her anyway. Yes, she was a daisy. She got so, she wasn't afraid of anything. She had such confidence in the ignorance of those creatures. She even brought anecdotes that she had heard the family and the dinner guests laugh and shout over, and as a rule she got the nub of one chestnut hitched on to another chestnut, where, of course, it didn't fit and hadn't any point. And when she delivered the nub, she fell over and rolled on the floor and laughed and barked in the most insane way, while I could see that she was wondering to herself why it didn't seem as funny as it did when she first heard it. But no harm was done. The others rolled and barked too, privately ashamed of themselves for not seeing the point, and never suspecting that the fault was not with them, and there wasn't any to see. You can see by these things that she was of a rather vain and frivolous character, still she had virtues, and enough, to make up, I think. She had a kind heart and gentle ways, and never harbored resentments for injuries done her, but put them easily out of her mind and forgot them, and she taught her children her kindly way, and from her we learned also to be brave and prompt in time of danger, and not to run away, but face the peril that threatened friend or stranger, and help him the best we could without stopping to think what the cost might be to us. And she taught us not by words only, but by example, and that is the best way, and the surest and the most lasting. Why, the brave things she did, the splendid things? She was just a soldier, and so modest about it, while you couldn't help admiring her, and you couldn't help imitating her, not even a King Charles Spaniel could remain entirely despicable in her society. So as you see, there was more to her than her education. When I was well grown at last, I was sold and taken away, and I never saw her again. She was broken-hearted, and so was I, and we cried, but she comforted me as well as she could, and said, we were sent into this world for a wise and good purpose, and must do our duties without repining, take our life as we might find it, live it for the best good of others, and never mind about the results. They were not our affair. She said men who did like this would have a noble and beautiful reward by and by in another world, and although we animals would not go there, to do well and right without reward would give to our brief lives a worthiness and dignity, which in itself would be a reward. She had gathered these things from time to time when she had gone to the Sunday school with the children, and had laid them up in her memory more carefully than she had done with those other words and phrases, and she had studied them deeply for her good and ours. One may see by this that she had a wise and thoughtful head, for all there was so much lightness and vanity in it, so we set our farewells and looked our last upon each other through our tears, and the last thing she said, keeping it for the last to make me remember it the better, I think, was, in memory of me when there is a time of danger to another, do not think of yourself, think of your mother, and do as she would do. Do you think I could forget that? No. It was such a charming home, my new one, a fine great-house with pictures and delicate decorations and rich furniture and no gloom anywhere but all the wilderness of dainty colors lit up with flooding sunshine, and the spacious grounds around it and the great garden hall, green sward and noble trees and flowers, no end. And I was the same as a member of the family, and they loved me and petted me and did not give me a new name, but called me by my old one. That was dear to me, because my mother had given it me. Aileen Mavourneen. She got it out of a song, and the grays knew that song, and said it was a beautiful name. Mrs. Gray was dirty and so sweet and so lovely, you cannot imagine it. And Sadie was ten, and just like her mother, just a darling slender little copy of her, with all-burned tails down her back, and short frocks, and the baby was a year old and plump and dimpled, and fond of me, and never could get enough of hauling on my tail and hugging me and laughing out its innocent happiness. And Mr. Gray was thirty-eight and tall and slender and handsome, a little bald in front, alert, quick in his movements, businesslike, prompt, decided, unsentimental, and with that kind of trim chiseled face that just seems to glint and sparkle with frosty intellectuality. He was a renowned scientist. I do not know what the word means, but my mother would know how to use it and get effects. She would know how to depress a raterior with it, and make a lapdog look sorry he came. But that is not the best one. The best one was laboratory. My mother could organize a trust on that one that would skin the tax collars off the whole herd. The laboratory was not a book or a picture or a place to wash your hands in, as the college president's dog said. No, that is the laboratory. The laboratory is quite different and is filled with jars and bottles and electrics and wires and strange machines, and every week other scientists came there and sat in the place and used the machines and disgust and made what they called experiments and discoveries. And often I came too and stood around and listened, and tried to learn, for the sake of my mother, and in loving memory of her, although it was a pain to me, as realizing what she was losing out of her life and I gaining nothing at all. For try as I might, I was never able to make anything out of it at all. Other times I lay on the floor in the mistress's workroom and slept. She gently using me for a footstool, knowing it pleased me, for it was a caress. Other times I spent an hour in the nursery and got well tussled and made happy. Other times I watched by the crib there, when the baby was asleep and the nurse out for a few minutes on the baby's affairs. Other times I romped and raced through the grounds and the garden with Sadie till we were tired out, then slumbered on the grass in the shade of a tree while she read her book. Other times I went visiting among the neighbour dogs, for there were some most pleasant ones not far away, and one very handsome and courteous and graceful one, a curly-haired Irish setter by the name of Robin Adair, who was a Presbyterian like me, and belonged to the Scotch Minister. The servants in our house were all kind to me and were fond of me, and so, as you see, mine was a pleasant life. There could not be a happier dog than I was, nor a grateful one. I will say this for myself, for it is only the truth. I tried in all ways to do well and write, and honour my mother's memory and her teachings, and earn the happiness that had come to me as best I could. By and by came my little puppy, and then my cup was full, my happiness was perfect. It was the dearest little waddling thing, and so smooth and soft and velvety, and had such cunning little awkward paws, and such affectionate eyes, and such a sweet and innocent face, and it made me so proud to see how the children and their mother adored it, and fondled it, and exclaimed over every little wonderful thing it did. It did seem to me that life was just too lovely to— Then came the winter. One day I was standing a watch in the nursery, that is to say, I was asleep on the bed. The baby was asleep in the crib, which was alongside the bed, on the side next to the fireplace. It was the kind of crib that has a lofty tent over it, made of gauzy stuff that you can see through. The nurse was out, and we two sleepers were alone. A spark from the wood fire was shot out, and it lit on the slope of the tent. I suppose a quiet interval followed, then a scream from the baby awoke me, and there was that tent flaming up toward the ceiling. Before I could think I sprang to the floor in my fright, and in a second was half way to the door, but in the next half second my mother's farewell was sounding in my ears, and I was back on the bed again. I reached my head through the flames, and dragged the baby out by the waistband, and tugged it along, and we fell to the floor together in a cloud of smoke. I snatched a new hold, and dragged the screaming little creature along, and out at the door, and around the bend of the hall, and was still tugging away, all excited, and happy, and proud, when the master's voice shouted, Be gone, you cursed beast! And I jumped to save myself, but he was wonderfully quick, and chased me up, striking furiously at me with his cane. I dodging this way and that in terror, and at last a strong blow fell upon my left foreleg, which made me shriek and fall, for the moment helpless. The cane went up for another blow, but never descended, for the nurse's voice rang wildly out. The nursery's on fire! And the master rushed away in that direction, and my other bones were saved. The pain was cruel, but no matter. I must not lose any time. He might come back at any moment, so I limped on three legs to the other end of the hall, where there was a dark little stairway leading up into a garret, where old boxes and such things were kept, as I had heard say, and where people seldom went. I managed to climb up there, then I searched my way through the dark among the piles of things, and hid in the secretest place I could find. It was foolish to be afraid there, yet still I was, so afraid that I held in and hardly even whimpered, though it would have been such a comfort to whimper, because that eases the pain, you know. But I could lick my leg, and that did me some good. For half an hour there was a commotion downstairs, and shoutings, and rushing footsteps, and then there was quiet again. Quiet for some minutes, and that was grateful to my spirit, for then my fears began to go down, and fears are worse than pains—oh, much worse. Then came a sound that froze me. They were calling me, calling me by name, hunting for me. It was muffled by distance, but that could not take the terror out of it, and it was the most dreadful sound to me that I had ever heard. It went all about, everywhere down there, along the halls, through all the rooms, in both stories, and in the basement and the cellar, then outside and farther and farther away, then back, and all about the house again, and I thought it would never, never stop. But at last it did, hours and hours after the vague twilight of the garret had long ago been blotted out by black darkness. Then in that blessed stillness my terrors fell little by little away, and I was at peace, and slept. It was a good rest I had, but I woke before the twilight had come again. I was feeling fairly comfortable, and I could think out a plan now. I made a very good one, which was to creep down all the way down the back stairs, and hide behind the cellar door, and slip out and escape when the iceman came at dawn, while he was inside filling the refrigerator. Then I would hide all day, and start on my journey when night came, my journey to well, anywhere where they would not know me and betray me to the master. I was feeling almost cheerful now, then suddenly I thought, why, what would life be without my puppy? That was despair. There was no plan for me. I saw that. I must stay where I was. Stay and wait, and take what might come. It was not my affair. That was what life is, my mother had said it. Then, well, then the calling began again. All my sorrows came back. I said to myself, the master will never forgive. I did not know what I had done to make him so bitter and so unforgiving, yet I judged it was something a dog could not understand, but which was clear to a man and dreadful. They called and called days and nights, it seemed to me, so long that the hunger and thirst near drove me mad, and I recognized that I was getting very weak. When you are this way you sleep a great deal, and I did. Once I woke in an awful fright. It seemed to me that the calling was right there in the garret. And so it was. It was Sadie's voice, and she was crying. My name was falling from her lips all broken, poor thing, and I could not believe my ears for the joy of it when I heard her say, come back to us. Oh, come back to us, and forgive. It is all so sad without our— I broke in with such a grateful little yelp, and the next moment Sadie was plunging and stumbling through the darkness and the lumber and shouting for the family to hear, she's found, she's found. The days had followed. Well, they were wonderful. The mother and Sadie and the servants, why, they just seemed to worship me. They couldn't seem to make me a bed that was fine enough, and as for food, they couldn't be satisfied with anything but game and delicacies that were out of season. And every day the friends and neighbors flocked in to hear about my heroism. That was the name they called it by, and it means agriculture. I remember my mother pulling it on a kennel once and explaining it in that way, but didn't say what agriculture was, except that it was synonymous with intramural incandescence. And a dozen times a day Mrs. Gray and Sadie would tell the tale to newcomers and say I risked my life to save the babies, and both of us had burns to prove it, and then the company would pass me around and pet me and exclaim about me, and you could see the pride in the eyes of Sadie and her mother, and when the people wanted to know what made me limp, they looked ashamed and changed the subject, and sometimes when people hunted them this way and that way with questions about it, it looked to me as if they were going to cry. And this was not all the glory. No, the master's friends came, a whole twenty of the most distinguished people, and had me in the laboratory, and discussed me as if I was a kind of discovery, and some of them said it was wonderful and a dumb beast, the finest exhibition of instinct they could call to mind. But the master said with vehemence, it's far above instinct, it's reason. And many a man, privileged to be saved and go with you and me to a better world by right of its possession, has less of it than this poor silly quadruped that's fordain to perish. And then he laughed and said, Why, look at me, I'm a sarcasm, bless you with all my grand intelligence, the only thing I inferred was that the dog had gone mad and was destroying the child, whereas, but for the beast's intelligence, it's reason, I tell you, the child would have perished. They disputed and disputed, and I was the very centre of subject of it all, and I wished my mother could know that this grand honour had come to me, it would have made her proud. Then they discussed optics, as they called it, and whether a certain injury to the brain would produce blindness or not, but they could not agree about it, and said they must test it by experiment, by and by. And next they discussed plants, and that interested me, because in the summer Sadie and I had planted seeds, I helped her dig the holes, you know, and after days and days a little shrub or a flower came up there, and it was a wonder how that could happen, but it did, and I wished I could talk, I would have told those people about it, and shown them how much I knew, and been all alive with the subject, but I didn't care for the optics, it was dull, and when they came back to it again it bored me, and I went to sleep. Pretty soon it was spring, and sunny, and pleasant, and lovely, and the sweet mother and the children patted me and the puppy could buy, and went away on a journey and a visit to their kin, and the master wasn't any company for us, but we played together and had good times, and the servants were kind and friendly, so we got along quite happily and counted the days and waited for the family. And one day those men came again and said, now for the test, and they took the puppy to the laboratory, and I limped three-leggedly along too, feeling proud for any attention shown to the puppy was a pleasure to me, of course. They discussed and experimented, and then suddenly the puppy shrieked, and they set him on the floor, and he went staggering around with his head all bloody, and the master clapped his hands and shouted, There! I've won! Confess it! He's as blind as a bat! And they all said, It's so! You've proved your theory, and suffering humanity owes you a great debt from henceforth, and they crowded around him, and wrung his hand cordially and thankfully and praised him. But I hardly saw or heard these things, for I ran at once to my little darling, and snuggled close to it where it lay, and licked the blood, and it put its head against mine, whimpering softly, and I knew in my heart it was a comfort to it in its pain, and troubled to feel its mother's touch, though it could not see me. Then it dropped down presently, and its little velvet nose rested upon the floor, and it was still, and did not move any more. Soon the master stopped discussing a moment, and rang in the footman, and said, Bury it in the far corner of the garden, and then went on with the discussion, and I trotted after the footman, very happy and grateful, for I knew the puppy was out of its pain now, because it was asleep. We went far down the garden to the farthest end, where the children and the nurse, and the puppy, and I used to play in the summer in the shade of a great elm, and there the footman dug a hole, and I saw he was going to plant the puppy, and I was glad, because it would grow and come up a fine handsome dog like Robin Adair, and be a beautiful surprise for the family when they came home. So I tried to help him dig, but my lame leg was no good being stiff, you know, and you have to have two, or it is no use. When the footman had finished and covered little Robin up, he patted my head, and there were tears in his eyes, and he said, Poor little doggy, you saved his child. I have watched two whole weeks, and he doesn't come up. This last week a fright has been stealing upon me. I think there is something terrible about this. I do not know what it is, but the fear makes me sick, and I cannot eat, though the servants bring me the best of food, and they pet me so, and even come in the night and cry and say, Poor doggy, do give it up and come home, don't break our hearts. And all this terrifies me the more, and makes me sure something has happened, and I am so weak, since yesterday I cannot stand on my feet any more, and within this hour the servants, looking toward the sun where it was sinking out of sight, and the night chill coming on, said things I could not understand, but they carried something cold to my heart. Those poor creatures, they do not suspect. They will come home in the morning and eagerly ask for the little doggy that did the brave deed, and who of us will be strong enough to say the truth to them? The humble little friend is gone, where go the beasts that perish. End of Chapter 3 And End of A Dog's Tale by Mark Twain Read by John Greenman This is Section 12 of the $30,000 request and other stories by Mark Twain. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. Was it Heaven or Hell? By Mark Twain. Chapter 1 and Chapter 2 Chapter 1 You told a lie? You confess it? You actually confess it? You told a lie? End of Chapter 1 Chapter 2 The family consisted of four persons. Margaret Lester, widow, aged 36. Helen Lester, her daughter, aged 16. Mrs. Lester's maiden aunts, Hannah and Hester Gray, twins, aged 67. Waking and sleeping the three women spent their days and nights in adoring the young girl, in watching the movements of her sweet spirit in the mirror of her face, in refreshing their souls with the vision of her bloom and beauty, in listening to the music of her voice, in gratefully recognizing how rich and fair for them was the world with this presence in it, in shuddering to think how desolate it would be with this light gone out of it. By nature, and inside, the aged aunts were utterly dear and lovable and good, but in the matter of morals and conduct their training had been so uncompromisingly strict that it had made them exteriorly austere, not to say stern. Their influence was effective in the house, so effective that the mother and the daughter conformed to its moral and religious requirements cheerfully, contentedly, happily, unquestionably. To do this was become second nature to them, and so in this peaceful heaven there were no clashings, no irritations, no fault findings, no heart-burnings. In it a lie had no place. In it a lie was unthinkable. In it speech was restricted to absolute truth, ironbound truth, implacable and uncompromising truth, that the resulting consequences be what they might. At last, one day, under stress of circumstances, the darling of the house sullied her lips with a lie, and confessed it, with tears and self-upgradings. There are not any words that can paint the consternation of the aunts. It was as if the sky had crumbled up and collapsed, and the earth had tumbled to ruin with a crash. They sat side by side, white and stern, gazing speechless upon the culprit, who was on her knees before them, with her face buried first in one lap, and then the other, moaning and sobbing, and appealing for sympathy and forgiveness and getting no response, humbly kissing the hand of the one, then of the other, only to see it withdrawn as suffering defilement by those soiled lips. Twice, at intervals, at Hester said in frozen amazement, you told a lie! Twice, at intervals, Aunt Hannah followed with the muttered and amazed ejaculation, you confess it, you actually confess it, you told a lie! It was all they could say. The situation was new, unheard of, incredible. They could not understand it. They did not know how to take hold of it. It approximately paralyzed speech. At length it was decided that the airing child must be taken to her mother, who was ill, and who ought to know what had happened. Helen begged, besought, implored that she might be spared this further disgrace, and that her mother might be spared the grief and pain of it. But this could not be. Duty required this sacrifice. Duty takes precedence of all things. Nothing can absolve one from a duty. With a duty no compromise is possible. Helen still begged, and said the sin was her own, her mother had had no hand in it. Why must she be made to suffer for it? But the aunts were obdurate in their righteousness, and said the law that visited the sins of the parent upon the child was by all right and reason reversible. Therefore it was but just that the innocent mother of a sinning child should suffer her rightful share of the grief and pain and shame which were the allotted wages of the sin. The three moved toward the sick room. At this time the doctor was approaching the house. He was still a good distance away, however. He was a good doctor and a good man, and he had a good heart, but one had to know him a year to get over hating him, two years to learn to endure him, three to learn to like him, and four or five to learn to love him. It was a slow and trying education, but it paid. He was of great stature. He had a Leonine head, a Leonine face, a rough voice, and an eye which was sometimes a pirate's and sometimes a woman's according to the mood. He knew nothing about etiquette and cared nothing about it. In speech, manner, carriage, and conduct he was the reverse of conventional. He was frank to the limit. He had opinions on all subjects. They were always on tap and ready for delivery, and he cared not of farthing whether his listener liked them or didn't. Whom he loved, he loved and manifested it. Whom he didn't love, he hated, and published it from the housetops. In his young days he had been a sailor, and the salt airs of all the seas blew from him yet. He was a sturdy and loyal Christian, and believed he was the best one in the land, and the only one whose Christianity was perfectly sound, healthy, full-charged with common sense, and had no decayed places in it. People who had an axe to grind, or people who for any reason wanted to get on the soft side of him, called him the Christian. A phrase whose delicate flattery was music to his ears, and whose capital T was such an enchanting and vivid object to him that he could see it when it fell out of a person's mouth even in the dark. Many who were fond of him stood on their consciences with both feet, and brazenly called him by that large title habitually, because it was a pleasure to them to do anything that would please him, and with eager and cordial malice his extensive and diligently cultivated crop of enemies gilded it, beflowered it, expanded it to the only Christian. Of these two titles, the latter had the wider currency, the enemy being greatly in the majority attended to that. Whatever the doctor believed, he believed with all his heart, and would fight for it whenever he got the chance, and if the intervals between chances grew to be irksomely wide, he would invent ways of shortening them himself. He was severely conscientious, according to his rather independent lights, and whatever he took to be a duty he performed, no matter whether the judgment of the professional moralists agreed with his own or not. At sea in his young days he had used profanity freely, but as soon as he was converted he made a rule which he rigidly stuck to ever afterward, never to use it except on the rarest occasions, and then only when duty commanded. He had been a hard drinker at sea, but after his conversion he became a firm and outspoken tea-totaler, in order to be an example to the young, and from that time forth he seldom drank, never indeed except when it seemed to him to be a duty, a condition which sometimes occurred a couple of times a year, but never as many as five times. Necessarily such a man is impressionable, impulsive, emotional. This one was and had no gift at hiding his feelings, or if he had it he took no trouble to exercise it. He carried his soul's prevailing weather in his face, and when he entered a room the parasols or the umbrellas went up, figuratively speaking, according to the indications. When the soft light was in his eye it meant approval, and delivered a benediction. When he came with a frown he lowered the temperature ten degrees. He was a well-beloved man in the house of his friends, but sometimes a dreaded one. He had a deep affection for the Lester household, and its several members returned this feeling with interest. They mourned over his kind of Christianity, and he frankly scoffed at theirs, but both parties went on loving each other just the same. He was approaching the house, out of the distance. The ants and the culprit were moving toward the sick chamber. CHAPTER XIII. The three last named stood by the bed, the ants, a steer, the transgressor softly sobbing. The mother turned her head on the pillow, her tired eyes flamed up instantly with sympathy and passion that mother loved when they fell upon her child, and she opened the refuge and shelter of her arms. Wait! said Aunt Hannah, and put out her hand and stayed the girl from leaping into them. Helen! said the other ant impressively, tell your mother all, purge your soul, leave nothing unconfessed! Standing stricken and forlorn before her judges, the young girl mourned her sorrowful tale through the end. Then in a passion of appeal cried out, Oh mother, can't you forgive me? Won't you forgive me? I'm so desolate! Forgive you, my darling. Oh, come to my arms. There, lay your head upon my breast and be at peace. If you had told a thousand lies— There was a sound, a warning, the clearing of a throat. The ants glanced up and withered in their clothes. There stood the doctor, his face, a thunder cloud. Mother and child knew nothing of his presence. They lay locked together, heart to heart, steeped in immeasurable content, dead to all things else. The physician stood many moments glaring and glooming upon the scene before him, studying it, analyzing it, searching out its genesis. Then he put up his hand and beckoned to the ants. They came trembling to him, and stood humbly before him and waited. He bent down and whispered, Didn't I tell you this patient must be protected from all excitement? What the hell have you been doing? Clear out of the place. They obeyed. Half an hour later he appeared in the parlor, serene, cheery, clothed in sunshine, conducting Helen with his arm about her waist, petting her and saying gentle and playful things to her, and she also was her sunny and happy self again. Now, then, he said, Goodbye, dear. Go to your room and keep away from your mother and behave yourself. But wait, put out your tongue. There, that will do. You're as sound as a nut. He patted her cheek and added, Run along now. I want to talk to these ants. She went from the presence. His face clouded over again at once, and as he sat down he said, You two have been doing a lot of damage, and maybe some good. Some good, yes, such as it is. That woman's disease is typhoid. You've brought it to a show-up, I think, with your insanities, and that's a service such as it is. I hadn't been able to determine what it was before. With one impulse the old ladies sprang to their feet, quaking with terror. Sit down. What are you proposing to do? Do? We must fly to her. We— You'll do nothing of the kind. You've done enough harm for one day. Do you want to squander all your capital of crimes and follies on a single deal? Sit down, I tell you. I have arranged for her to sleep. She needs it. If you disturb her without my orders I'll brain you, if you've got the materials for it. They sat down, distressed and indignant, but obedient, under compulsion. He proceeded. Now, then, I want this case explained. They wanted to explain it to me, as if there hadn't been a motion or excitement enough already. You knew my orders. How did you dare to go in there and get up that riot? Hester looked appealingly at Hannah. Hannah returned a beseeching look at Hester. Neither wanted to dance to this unsympathetic orchestra. The doctor came to their help. He said, Begin, Hester. Fingering at the fringes of her shawl and with lowered eyes, Hester said timidly, We should not have disobeyed for any ordinary cause, but this was vital. This was a duty. With a duty one has no choice. One must put all lighter considerations aside and perform it. We were obliged to arraign her before her mother. She had told a lie. The doctor glowered upon the woman a moment, and seemed to be trying to work up in his mind an understanding of a wholly incomprehensible proposition. Then he stormed out. She told a lie. Did she? God bless my soul. I tell a million a day. And so does every doctor. And so does everybody, including you, for that matter. And that was the important thing that authorized you to venture to disobey my orders and imperil that woman's life. Look here, Hester Gray, this is pure lunacy. That girl couldn't tell a lie that was intended to injure a person. The thing is impossible, absolutely impossible. You know it yourselves. Both of you. You know it perfectly well. Anna came to her sister's rescue. Hester didn't mean that it was that kind of a lie, and it wasn't, but it was a lie. Well, upon my word, I never heard such nonsense. Haven't you got sense enough to discriminate between lies? Don't you know the difference between a lie that helps and a lie that hurts? All lies are sinful, said Hannah, setting her lips together like a vice. All lies are forbidden. The only Christian fidgeted impatiently in his chair. He went to attack this proposition, but he did not quite know how or where to begin. Finally he made a venture. Hester, wouldn't you tell a lie to shield a person from an undeserved injury or shame? No. Not even a friend? No. Not even your dearest friend? No, I would not. The doctor struggled in silence a while with the situation, then he asked. Not even to save him from bitter pain and misery and grief? No. Not even to save his life. Another pause, then. Nor his soul? There was a hush. A silence which endured a measurable interval, then Hester answered in a low voice, but with decision. Nor his soul? No one spoke for a while. Then the doctor said. Is it with you the same, Hannah? Yes, she answered. I ask you both. Why? Because to tell such a lie or any lie is a sin, and could cost us the loss of our own souls would indeed, if we died without time to repent. Strange. Strange. It is past belief. Then he asked roughly, Is such a soul is that worth saving? He rose up, mumbling and grumbling, and started for the door, stumping vigorously along. At the threshold he turned and rasped out an admonition. Reform! Drop this mean and sordid and selfish devotion to the saving of your shabby little souls, and hunt up something to do that's got some dignity to it. Risk your souls. Risk them in good causes. Then if you lose them, why should you care? Reform! The good old gentle women sat paralyzed, pulverized, outraged, insulted, and brooded in bitterness and indignation over these blasphemies. They were hurt to the heart, poor old ladies, and said they could never forgive these injuries. Reform! They kept repeating that word resentfully. Reform and learn to tell lies! Time slipped along and in due course a change came over their spirits. They had completed the human being's first duty, which is to think about himself until he has exhausted the subject, then he is in a condition to take up minor interests and think of other people. This changes the complexion of his spirits, generally wholesomely. The minds of the two old ladies reverted to their beloved niece and the fearful disease which had smitten her. Instantly they forgot the hurts their self-love had received, and a passionate desire rose in their hearts to go to the help of the sufferer and comfort her with their love, and minister to her, and labor for her the best they could with their weak hands, and joyfully and affectionately wear out their poor old bodies in her dear service, if only they might have the privilege. And we shall have it! said Hester, with the tears running down her face. There are no nurses comparable to us, for there are no others that will stand their watch by that bed till they drop and die, and God knows we would do that. Amen! said Hannah, smiling approval and endorsement through the mist of moisture that blurred her glasses. The doctor knows us, and knows we will not disobey again, and he will call no others. He will not dare. Dare! said Hester, with temper and dashing the water from her eyes. He will dare anything that Christian devil! But it will do no good for him to try at this time, but laws, Hannah, after all said and done, he is gifted and wise and good, and he would not think of such a thing. It is surely time for one of us to go to that room. What is keeping him? Why doesn't he come and say so? They caught the sound of his approaching step. He entered, sat down, and began to talk. Margaret is a sick woman, he said. She is still sleeping, but she will wait presently. Then one of you must go to her. She will be worse before she is better. Pretty soon a night and day watch must be set. How much of it can you two undertake? All of it burst both ladies at once. The doctor's eyes flashed, and he said, with energy. You do ring true, you brave old relics, and you shall do all of the nursing you can, for there is none to match you in that divine office in this town. But you can't do all of it, and it would be a crime to let you. It was grand praise, golden praise, coming from such a source, and it took nearly all the resentment out of the aged twins' hearts. Your tilly and mild Nancy shall do the rest, good nurses both, white souls with black skins, watchful, loving, tender, just perfect nurses, and competent liars from the cradle. Look you, keep a little watch on Helen. She is sick and is going to be sicker. The ladies looked a little surprised, and not credulous, and Hester said, How is that? It isn't an hour since you said she was as sound as a nut. The doctor answered, tranquilly. It was a lie. The ladies turned upon him indignantly, and Hannah said, How can you make an odious confession like that in so indifferent a tone when you know how we feel about all forms of hush? You are as ignorant as cats, both of you, and you don't know what you are talking about. You are like all the rest of the moral moles. You lie from morning till night, but because you don't do it with your mouths, but only with your lying eyes, your lying inflections, your deceptively misplaced emphasis, and your misleading gestures, you turn up your complacent noses, and parade before God in the world as saintly and unsmerched truth-speakers, in whose cold-storage souls a lie would freeze to death if it got there. Why will you humbug yourselves with that foolish notion that no lie is a lie except a spoken one? What is the difference between lying with your eyes and lying with your mouth? There is none, and if you would reflect a moment you would see that it is so. There isn't a human being that doesn't tell a gross of lies every day of his life, and you—why, between you, you tell thirty thousand, yet you flare up here in the lurid hypocritical horror because I tell that child a benevolent and sinless lie to protect her from her imagination, which would get to work and warm up her blood to a fever in an hour, if I were disloyal enough to my duty to let it, which I should probably do if I were interested in saving my soul by such disreputable means. Come, let us reason together, let us examine details. When you two were in the sick-room raising that riot, what would you have done if you had known I was coming? Well, what? You would have slipped out and carried Helen with you, wouldn't you? The ladies were silent. What would be your object and intention? Well, what? To keep me from finding out your guilt, to beguile me to infer that Margaret's excitement proceeded from some cause not known to you, in a word, to tell me a lie, a silent lie. Moreover, a possibly harmful one. The twins coloured, but did not speak. You not only tell myriads of silent lies, but you tell lies with your mouths, you two. That is not so. It is so, but only harmless ones. You never dream of uttering a harmful one. Do you know that that is a concession? And a confession? How do you mean? It is an unconscious concession that harmless lies are not criminal. It is a confession that you constantly make that discrimination. For instance, you declined old Mrs. Foster's invitation last week to meet those odious Higbees at supper, in a polite note in which you expressed regret and said you were very sorry you could not go. It was a lie. It was as unmitigated a lie as was ever uttered. Deny it, Hester, with another lie. Hester replied with a toss of her head, that will not do. Answer! Was it a lie or wasn't it? The colours stole into the cheeks of both women and with a struggle and an effort they got out their confession. It was a lie. Good! The reform is beginning. There is hope for you yet. You will not tell a lie to save your dearest friend's soul, but you will spew out one without a scruple to save yourself the discomfort of telling an unpleasant truth. He rose. Hester, speaking for both, said coldly, We have lied. We perceive it. It will occur no more. To lie is a sin. We shall never tell another one of any kind whatsoever, even lies of courtesy or benevolence, to save any one a pang or a sorrow decreed for him by God. Da, how soon you will fall! In fact, you have fallen already, for what you have just uttered is a lie. Goodbye! Reform! One of you go to the sick-room now. End of chapter 3. This is section 14 of the $30,000 bequest and other stories by Mark Twain. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. Was it Heaven or Hell by Mark Twain? Chapter 4 Twelve days later mother and child were lingering in the grip of the hideous disease of hope for either there was little. The aged sisters looked white and worn, but they would not give up their posts. Their hearts were breaking poor old things, but their grit was steadfast and indestructible. All the twelve days the mother had pined for the child and the child for the mother, but both knew that the prayer of these longings could not be granted. When the mother was told on the first day that her disease was typhoid, she was frightened, and asked if there was danger that Helen could have contracted it the day before when she was in the sick chamber on that confession visit. Hester told her the doctor had poo-pooed the idea. It troubled Hester to say it, although it was true, for she had not believed the doctor. But when she saw the mother's joy in the news, the pain in her conscience lost something of its force. A result which made her ashamed of the constructive deception which she had practiced, though not ashamed enough to make her distinctly and definitely wish she had reframed from it. From that moment the sick woman understood that her daughter must remain away, and she said she would reconcile herself to the separation the best she could, for she would rather suffer death than have her child's health imperiled. That afternoon Helen had to take to her bed ill. She grew worse during the night. In the morning her mother asked after her, Is she well? Hester turned cold. She opened her lips, but the words refused to come. The mother lay languidly looking, musing, waiting. Suddenly she turned white and gasped out, Oh my God! What is it? Is she sick? Then the poor aunt's tortured heart rose in rebellion, and words came, No! Be comforted! She is well! The sick woman put all her happy heart in her gratitude. Thank God for those dear words! Kiss me! How I worship you for saying them! Hester told this incident to Hannah, who received it with a rebuking look, and said coldly, Sister! It was a lie! Hester's lips trembled piteously. She choked down a sob, and said, Oh Hannah! It was a sin, but I could not help it! I could not endure the fright and the misery that were in her face! No matter! It was a lie! God will hold you to account for it! Oh! I know it! I know it! cried Hester, wringing her hands. But even if it were now, I could not help it! I know I should do it again! Then take my place with Helen in the morning. I will make the report myself. Hester clung to her sister begging and imploring, Don't Hannah! Oh, don't! You will kill her! I will at least speak the truth! In the morning she had a cruel report to bear to the mother, and she braced herself for the trial. When she returned from her mission, Hester was waiting, pale and trembling in the hall. She whispered, How did she take it, that poor, desolate mother? Hannah's eyes were swimming in tears. She said, God forgive me! I told her the child was well! Hester gathered her to her heart with a grateful, God bless you, Hannah! and poured out her thankfulness in an inundation of worshiping praise. After that the two knew the limit of their strength and accepted their fate. They surrendered humbly and abandoned themselves to the hard requirements of the situation. Daily they told the morning lie and confessed their sin in prayer, not asking forgiveness, as not being worthy of it, but only wishing to make record that they realized their wickedness and were not desiring to hide it or excuse it. Daily, as the fair young idol of the house sank lower and lower, the sorrowful old aunt's painted her glowing bloom and her fresh young beauty to the wan mother, and winced under the stabs her ecstasies of joy and gratitude gave them. In the first days, while the child had strength to hold a pencil, she wrote fond little love-notes to her mother, in which she concealed her illness, and these the mother read and reread through happy eyes wet with thankful tears, and kissed them over and over again, and treasured them as precious things under her pillow. Then came a day when the strength was gone from the hand, and the mind wandered, and the tongue babbled pathetic incoherences. This was a sore dilemma for the poor aunt's. There were no love-notes for the mother. They did not know what to do. Hester began a carefully studied and plausible explanation, but lost the track of it and grew confused. Suspicion began to show in the mother's face, then alarm. Hester saw it, recognized the imminence of the danger, and ascended to the emergency, pulling herself resolutely together, and plucking victory from the open jaws of defeat. In a placid and convincing voice, she said, I thought it might distress you to know it, but Helen spent the night at the Sloans. There was a little party there, and although she did not want to go, and you so sick, we persuaded her, she being young and needing the innocent pastimes of youth, and we believing you would approve, be sure she will write the moment she comes. How good you are, and how dear and thoughtful for us both. Approve why I thank you with all my heart, my poor little exile. Tell her I want her to have every pleasure she can. I would not rob her of one. Only let her keep her health. That is all I ask. Don't let that suffer. I could not bear it. How thankful I am that she escaped this infection. And what a narrow risk she ran, ant Hester. Think of that lovely face all dulled and burned with fever. I can't bear the thought of it. Keep her health. Keep her bloom. I can see her now, the dainty creature, with the big, blue, earnest eyes. And sweet, oh, so sweet and gentle, and winning. Is she as beautiful as ever, dear ant Hester? Oh, more beautiful and bright and charming than ever she was before, if such a thing can be. And Hester turned away, and fumbled with her medicine-bottles, to hide her shame and grief. End of chapter 4 This is section 15 of the $30,000 bequest and other stories by Mark Twain. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. Was it Heaven or Hell? Chapters 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 10. Chapter 5 After a little, both ants were laboring upon a difficult and baffling work in Helen's chamber. Patiently and earnestly, with their stiff, old fingers, they were trying to forge the required note. They made failure after failure, but they improved little by little all the time. The pity of it all, the pathetic humor of it, there was none to see. They themselves were unconscious of it. Often their tears fell upon the notes and spoiled them. Sometimes a single, missformed word made a note risky, which could have been ventured, but for that. But at last Hannah produced one whose script was a good enough imitation of Helen's to pass any but a suspicious eye, and bountifully enriched it with the petting phrases and loving nicknames that had been familiar on the child's lips from her nursery days. She carried it to the mother, who took it with avidity, and kissed it, and fondled it, reading its precious words over and over again, and dwelling with deep contentment upon its closing paragraph. Mousey, darling, if I could only see you and kiss your eyes and feel your arms about me. I am so glad my practicing does not disturb you. Get well soon. Everybody is good to me, but I am so lonesome without you, dear Mama. The poor child I know just how she feels. She cannot be quite happy without me, and I, oh, I live in the light of her eyes. Tell her she must practice all she pleases, and—and Hannah, tell her I can't hear the piano this far, nor hear her dear voice when she sings, God knows I wish I could. No one knows how sweet that voice is to me, and to think some day it will be silent. What are you crying for? Only because—because it was just a memory. When I came away she was singing, luck-moment, the pathos of it. It always moves me so when she sings that. And me too. How heartbreakingly beautiful it is when some youthful sorrow is brooding in her breast, and she sings it for the mystic healing it brings. And Hannah, dear Margaret, I am very ill. Sometimes it comes over me that I shall never hear that dear voice again. Oh, don't! Don't, Margaret! I can't bear it! Margaret was moved and distressed, and said gently, There, there, let me put my arms around you. Don't cry. There. Put your cheek to mine. Be comforted. I wish to live. I will live if I can. Uh, what could she do without me? Does she often speak of me? But I know she does. Oh, all the time, all the time! My sweet child! She wrote the note the moment she came home. Yes, the first moment! She could not wait to take off her things. I knew it. It is her dear impulsive affectionate way. I knew it without asking, but I wanted to hear you say it. The petted wife knows she is loved, but she makes her husband tell her so every day, just for the joy of hearing it. She used the pen this time. That is better. The pencil marks could rub out, and I should grieve for that. Did you suggest that she use the pen? No. She—it was her own idea. The mother looked her pleasure and said, I was hoping you would say that. There was never such a dear and thoughtful child. And Hannah, dear Margaret, go and tell her I think of her all the time and worship her. Why, you are crying again. Don't be so worried about me, dear. I think there is nothing to fear yet. The grieving messenger carried her message and piously delivered it to unheeding ears. The girl babbled on, unaware, looking up at her with wondering and startle eyes, flaming with the fever. Eyes in which was no light of recognition. Are you—no, you are not my mother. I want her. Oh, I want her. She was here a minute ago. I did not see her go. Will she come? Will she come quickly? Will she come now? There are so many houses, and they oppress me so. And everything whirls and turns and whirls. Oh, my head, my head! And so she wandered on and on in her pain, flitting from one torturing fancy to another, and tossing her arms about in a weary and ceaseless persecution of unrest. Poor old Hannah whetted the parched lips and softly stroked the hot brow, murmuring endearing and pitying words, and thanking the father of all that the mother was happy, and did not know. End of chapter 5 Daily the child sank lower and steadily lower towards the grave, and daily the sorrowing old watchers carried gilded tidings of her radiant health and loveliness to the happy mother, whose pilgrimage was also now nearing its end. And daily they forged loving and cheery notes in the child's hand, and stood by with remorseful consciences and bleeding hearts, and wept to see the grateful mother devour them and adore them, and treasure them away as things beyond price, because of their sweet source, and sacred because her child's hand had touched them. At last came that kindly friend who brings healing and peace to all. The lights were burning low. In the solemn hush which precedes the dawn, vague figures flitted soundless along the dim hall, and gathered silent and odd in Helen's chamber, and grouped themselves about her bed, for a warning had gone forth, and they knew. The dying girl lay with closed lids and unconscious, the drapery upon her breast faintly rising and falling as her wasting life ebbed away. At intervals a sigh or a muffled sob broke upon the stillness. The same haunting thought was in all minds there, the pity of this death, the going out into the great darkness, and the mother not here to help and hearten and bless. Helen stirred. Her hands began to grope wistfully about as if they sought something. She had been blind some hours. The end was come, all knew it. With a great sob, Hester gathered her to her breast, crying, Oh my child, my darling! A rapturous light broke in the dying girl's face, for it was mercifully vouchsaved her to mistake those sheltering arms for others, and she went to her rest murmuring, Oh, mama, I am so happy, I so longed for you, now I can die. Two hours later Hester made her report. The mother asked, How is it with the child? She is well. End of Chapter 6 Chapter 7 A sheaf of white crepe and black was hung upon the door of the house, and there it swayed and rustled in the wind and whispered its tidings. At noon the preparation of the dead was finished, and in the coffin lay the fair young form, beautiful, and in the sweet face a great piece. Two mourners sat by it, grieving and worshiping, Hannah and the black woman tilly. Hester came, and she was trembling, for a great trouble was upon her spirit. She said, She asks for a note. Hannah's face blanched. She had not thought of this. It had seemed that that pathetic service was ended. But she realized now that that could not be. For a little while the two women stood looking into each other's face with vacant eyes. Then Hannah said, There is no way out of it. She must have it. She will suspect else. And she would find out. Yes, it would break her heart. She looked at the dead face and her eyes filled. I will write it, she said. Hester carried it. The closing line said, Darling Mousie, dear sweet mother, we shall soon be together again. Is not that good news? And it is true. They all say it is true. The mother mourned, saying, For a child, how will she bear it when she knows? I shall never see her again in life. It is hard, so hard. She does not suspect. You guard her from that? She thinks you will soon be well. How good you are, and careful, dear Aunt Hester. Then goes near her, who could carry the infection. It would be a crime. But you see her? With a distance between? Yes. That is so good. Others one could not trust. But you too, guardian angels, steel is not so true as you. Others would be unfaithful, and many would deceive and lie. Hester's eyes fell, and her poor old lips trembled. Let me kiss you for her, Aunt Hester. And when I am gone, and the danger is past, place the kiss upon her dear lips some day, and say her mother sent it, and all her mother's broken heart is in it. Within the hour, Hester, reigning tears upon the dead face, performed her pathetic mission. End of chapter 7 Chapter 8 Another day dawned, and grew, and spread its sunshine in the earth, and Hannah brought comforting news to the failing mother, and a happy note, which said again, We have but a little time to wait, darling mother, then we shall be together. The deep note of a bell came moaning down the wind. And Hannah, it is tolling. Some poor soul is at rest, as I shall be soon. You will not let her forget me? Oh! God knows she never will! Do not you hear strange noises, Aunt Hannah? It sounds like the shuffling of many feet. We hoped you would not hear it, dear. It is a little company gathering for for Helen's sake, poor little prisoner. There will be music, and she loves it so. We thought you would not mind. Mind? Oh, no, no! Oh, give her everything her dear heart can desire. How good you two are to her, and how good to me! God bless you both always! After a listening pause. How lovely! It is her organ. Is she playing it herself, do you think? Faint and rich and inspiring chords floating to her ears on the still air. Yes, it is her touch, dear heart. I recognize it. They are singing. Why? It is a hymn, and the sacredest of all, the most touching, the most consoling. It seems to open the gates of paradise to me. If I could die now. Faint and far the words rose out of the stillness. Nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee, E'en though it be a cross that raises me. With the closing of the hymn another soul passed to its rest, and they that had been one in life were not sundered in death. The sisters, mourning and rejoicing, said, How blessed it was that she never knew! End of Chapter 8 Chapter 9 At midnight they sat together grieving, and the angel of the Lord appeared in the midst transfigured with a radiance not of earth, and speaking said, For liars a place is appointed. There they burn in the fires of hell from everlasting unto everlasting. Repent! The bereaved fell upon their knees before him and clasped their hands, and bowed their gray heads adoring. But their tongues clove to the roof of their mouths, and they were dumb. Speak! that I may bear the message to the chancery of heaven, and bring again the decree from which there is no appeal. Then they bowed their heads yet lower, and one said, Our sin is great, and we suffer shame. But only perfect and final repentance can make us whole, and we are poor creatures who have learned our human weakness and we know that if we were in those hard straits again our hearts would fail again, and we should sin as before. The strong could prevail and so be saved, but we are lost. They lifted their heads in supplication. The angel was gone. While they marveled and wept, he came again, and bending low he whispered the decree. End of Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Was it Heaven or Hell? End of Chapter 10 And Was it Heaven or Hell? This is Section 16 of the $30,000 request and other stories by Mark Twain. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. A Cure for the Blues by Mark Twain By courtesy of Mr. Cable I came into possession of a singular book, eight or ten years ago. It is likely that mine is now the only copy in existence. Its title page, unabbreviated, reads as follows. The Enemy Conquered or Love Triumphant by G. Ragsdale-McClintock. Note one, the name here given is a substitute for the one actually attached to the pamphlet, author of An Address, etc., delivered at Sunflower Hill, South Carolina, and member of the Yale Law School, New Haven, published by T.H.P.'s 83 Chapel Street, 1845. No one can take up this book and lay it down again unread. Whoever reads one line of it is caught, is chained. He has become the contented slave of its fascinations, and he will read and read, devour and devour, and will not let it go out of his hand, till it is finished to the last line, though the house be on fire over his head. And after a first reading he will not throw it aside, but will keep it by him, with his Shakespeare and his Homer, and will take it up many and many a time, when the world is dark and his spirits are low, and be straightway cheered and refreshed. Yet this work has been allowed to lie wholly neglected, unmentioned, and apparently unrequited, for nearly half a century. The reader must not imagine that he is defined in it wisdom, brilliancy, fertility of invention, ingenuity of construction, excellence of form, purity of style, perfection of imagery, truth to nature, clearness of statement, humanly possible situations, humanly possible people, fluent narrative, connected sequence of events, or philosophy or logic or sense. No. The rich, deep, beguiling charm of the book lies in the total and miraculous absence from it of all these qualities. A charm which is completed and perfected by the evident fact that the author, whose naive innocence easily and surely wins our regard, and almost our worship, does not know that they are absent, does not even suspect that they are absent. When read by the light of these helps to an understanding of the situation, the book is delicious, profoundly and satisfyingly delicious. I call it a book because the author calls it a book. I call it a work because he calls it a work. But in truth it is merely a duodessimo pamphlet of thirty-one pages. It was written for fame and money, as the author very frankly, yes, very hopefully too, poor fellow, says in his preface. The money never came. No penny of it ever came. And how long, how pathetically long, the fame has been deferred forty-seven years. He was young then. It would have been so much to him then. But will he care for it now? As time is measured in America, McClintock's epic is antiquity. In his long, vanished day the Southern author had a passion for eloquence. It was his pet, his darling. He would be eloquent or parish. And he recognized only one kind of eloquence, the lurid, the tempestuous, the volcanic. He liked words, big words, fine words, grand words, rumbling, thundering, reverberating words, with sense attaching, if it could be God in, without marring the sound, but not otherwise. He loved to stand up before a dazed world, and pour forth flame and smoke and lava and pumice stone into the skies, and work his subterranean thunders, and shake himself with earthquakes, and stench himself with sulfur fumes. If he consumed his own fields and vineyards, that was a pity, yes. But he would have his eruption at any cost. Mr. McClintock's eloquence, and he is always eloquent, his crater is always spouting, is of the pattern common to his day, but he departs from the custom of the time in one respect. His brethren allowed sense to intrude when it did not mar the sound, but he does not allow it to intrude at all. For example, consider this figure which he used in the village address, referred to with such candid complacency in the title page above quoted, like the topmost topaz of an ancient tower. Please read it again, contemplate it, measure it, walk around it, climb up it, try to get an approximate realization of the size of it. Is the fowl to that to be found in literature, ancient or modern, foreign or domestic, living or dead, drunk or sober? One notices how fine and grand it sounds. We know that if it was loftily uttered, it got a noble burst of applause from the villagers, yet there isn't array of sense in it or meaning to it. McClintock finished his education at Yale in 1843, and came to Hartford on a visit, that same year. I have talked with men who at that time talked with him and felt of him and knew he was real. One needs to remember that fact and to keep fast hold of it. It is the only way to keep McClintock's book from undermining one's faith in McClintock's actuality. As to the book, the first four pages are devoted to an inflamed eulogy of woman, simply woman in general or perhaps as an institution wherein, among other compliments to her details, he pays a unique one to her voice. He says it fills the breast with fond alarms echoed by every real. Sounds well enough, but it is not true. After the eulogy he takes up his real work and the novel begins. It begins in the woods near the village of Sunflower Hill. Brightening clouds seem to rise from the mist of the fair Chattahoochee to spread their beauty over the thick forest to guide the hero whose bosom beats with aspirations to conquer the enemy. That would tarnish his name and to win back the admiration of his long-tried friend. It seems a general remark, but it is not general. The hero mentioned is the to-be-hero of the book, and in this abrupt fashion and without name or description he is shoveled into the tale. With aspirations to conquer the enemy that would tarnish his name is merely a phrase flung in for the sake of the sound. Let it not mislead the reader. No one is trying to tarnish this person. No one has thought of it. The rest of the sentence is also merely a phrase. The man has no friend as yet, and of course has had no chance to try him or win back his admiration or disturb him in any other way. The hero climbs up over Sonny's Mountain and down the other side making for an old Indian castle which becomes the red man's hut in the next sentence, and when he gets there at last he surveys with wonder and astonishment the invisible structure which time has buried in the dust and thought to himself his happiness was not yet complete. One doesn't know why it wasn't, nor how near it came to being complete, nor what was still wanting to round it up and make it so. Maybe it was the Indian, but the book does not say. At this point we have an episode. Beside the shore of the brook sat a young man about 18 or 20 who seemed to be reading some favorite book and who had remarkably noble countenance eyes which betrayed more than a common mind. This of course made the youth a welcome guest and gained him friends in whatever condition of life he might be placed. The traveller observed that he was a well-built figure which showed strength and grace in every movement. He accordingly addressed him in quite a gentlemanly manner and inquired of him the way to the village. After he had received the desired information and was about taking his leave, the youth said, Are you not Major Alfonso, the great musician? Note, too. Further on it will be seen that he is a country expert on the fiddle and has a three-township fame. The champion of a noble cause, the modern Achilles, who gained so many victories in the Florida War. I bear that name, said the Major, and those titles, trusting at the same time that the ministers of grace will carry me triumphantly through all my laudable undertakings, and if, continued the Major, you, sir, are the patronizer of noble deeds, I should like to make you my confidant and learn your address. The youth looked somewhat amazed, bowed low, mused for a moment, and began, My name is Roswell. I have been recently admitted to the bar, and can only give a faint outline of my future success in that honorable profession. But I trust, sir, like the eagle, I shall look down from lofty rocks upon the dwellings of man, and shall ever be ready to give you any assistance in my official capacity, and whatever this muscular arm of mine can do, whenever it shall be called from its buried greatness. The Major grasped him by the hand, and exclaimed, Oh, thou exalted spirit of inspiration, thou flame of burning prosperity, may the heaven-directed blaze be the glare of thy soul, and battle down every rampart that seems to impede your progress. There is a strange sort of originality about McLintock. He imitates other people's styles, but nobody can imitate his, not even an idiot. Other people can be windy, but McLintock blows a gale. Other people can blubber sentiment, but McLintock spews it. Other people can mishandle metaphors, but only McLintock knows how to make a business of it. McLintock is always McLintock. He is always consistent. His style is always his own style. He does not make the mistake of being relevant on one page and irrelevant on another. He is irrelevant on all of them. He does not make the mistake of being lucid in one place and obscure in another. He is obscure all the time. He does not make the mistake of slipping in a name here and there that is out of character with his work. He always uses names that exactly and fantastically fit his lunatics. In the matter of undeviating consistency he stands alone in authorship. It is this that makes his style unique and entitles it to a name of its own, McLintockian. It is this that protects it from being mistaken from anybody else's. Unaccredited quotations from other writers often leave a reader in doubt as to their authorship, but McLintock is safe from that accident. An unaccredited quotation from him would always be recognizable. When a boy nineteen years old, who had just been admitted to the bar, says, I trust, sir, like the eagle I shall look down from lofty rocks upon the dwellings of man. We know who is speaking through that boy. We should recognize that note anywhere. There be myriads of instruments in this world's literary orchestra, and a multitudinous confusion of sounds that they make, wherein fiddles are drowned and guitars smothered, and one sort of drum mistaken for another sort. But, whatsoever, the brazen note of the McLintockian trombone breaks through that fog of music, that note is recognizable, and about it there can be no blur of doubt. The novel now arrives at the point where the major goes home to see his father. When McLintock wrote this interview, he probably believed it was pathetic. The road which led to the town presented many attractions. Alfonso had bid farewell to the youth of deep feeling, and was now wending his way to the dreaming spot of his fondness. The south winds whistled through the woods, as the waters dashed against the banks, as rapid fire in the pent furnace roars. This brought him to remember while alone that he quietly left behind the hospitality of a father's house and gladly entered the world with higher hopes than are often realized. But as he journeyed onward, he was mindful of the advice of his father, who had often looked sadly on the ground, when tears of cruelly deceived hope moistened his eyes. Alfonso had been somewhat a dutiful son, yet fond of the amusements of life had been in distant lands, had enjoyed the pleasure of the world, had frequently returned to the scenes of his boyhood almost destitute of many of the comforts of life. In this condition he would frequently say to his father, Have I offended you that you look upon me as a stranger and frown upon me with stinging looks? Will you not favour me with the sound of your voice? If I have trampled upon your veneration, or have spread a humid veil of darkness around your expectations, send me back into the world where no heart beats for me, where the foot of man had never yet trod. But give at least one kind word, allow me to come into the presence sometimes of thy winter-worn locks. Forbid it, heaven, that I should be angry with thee, answered the father, my son, and yet I send thee back to the children of the world, to the cold charity of the combat, and to a land of victory. I read another destiny in thy countenance. I learned thy inclinations from the flame that has already kindled in my soul a strange sensation. It will seek thee, my dear Alfonso. It will find thee. Thou canst not escape that lighted torch, which shall blot out from the remembrance of men a long train of prophecies which they have foretold against thee. I once thought not so. Once I was blind. But now the path of life is plain before me, and my sight is clear. Yet, Alfonso, return to thy worldly occupation. Take again in thy hand that chord of sweet sounds. Struggle with the civilized world, and with your own heart. Fly swiftly to the enchanted ground. Let the night-owl send forth its screams from the stubborn oak. Let the sea sport upon the beach, and the stars sing together. But learn of these, Alfonso, thy doom and thy hiding-place. Our most innocent as well as our most lawful desires must often be denied us, that we may learn to sacrifice them to a higher will. Remembering such admonitions with gratitude, Alfonso was immediately urged by the recollection of his father's family to keep moving. McClintock has a fine gift in the matter of surprises, but as a rule they are not pleasant ones. They jar upon the feelings. His closing sentence in the last quotation is of that sort. It brings one down out of the tinted clouds in too sudden and collapsed a fashion. It incenses one against the author for a moment. It makes the reader want to take him by his winter-worn locks and trample on his veneration and deliver him over to the cold charity of combat, and blot him out with his own lighted torch. But the feeling does not last. The master takes again in his hand that concord of sweet sounds of his, and one is reconciled, pacified. His steps became quicker and quicker, he hastened through the piney woods dark as the forest was, and with joy he very soon reached the little village of Repose in whose bosom rested the boldest chivalry. His close attention to every important object, his modest questions about whatever was new to him, his reverence for wise old age, and his ardent desire to learn many of the fine arts soon brought him into respectable notice. One mild winter day as he walked along the streets toward the academy, which stood upon a small eminence surrounded by native growth, some venerable in its appearance, others young and prosperous, all seemed inviting and seemed to be the very place for learning as well as for genius to spend its research beneath its spreading shades. He entered its classic walls in the usual mode of Southern manners—the artfulness of this man. None knows so well as he how to peak the curiosity of the reader, and how to disappoint it. He raises the hope here that he is going to tell all about how one enters a classic wall in the usual mode of Southern manners. But does he? No. He smiles in his sleeve and turns aside to other matters. The principal of the institution begged him to be seated and listen to the recitations that were going on. He accordingly obeyed the request and seemed to be much pleased. After the school was dismissed and the young hearts regained their freedom, with the songs of the evening, laughing at the anticipated pleasures of a happy home, while others tittered at the actions of the past day, he addressed the teacher in a tone that indicated a resolution, with an undaunted mind. He said he had determined to become a student, if he could meet with his approbation. Sir, said he, I have spent much time in the world, I have traveled among the uncivilized inhabitants of America, I have met with friends and combatted with foes, but none of these gratify my ambition or decide what is to be my destiny. I see the learned world have an influence with the voice of the people themselves. The despoilers of the remotest kingdoms of the earth refer their differences to this class of persons. This the illiterate and inexperienced little dream of, and now if you will receive me as I am, with these deficiencies, with all my misguided opinions, I will give you my honour, sir, that I will never disgrace the institution or those who have placed you in this honourable station. The instructor who had met with many disappointments knew how to feel for a stranger who had been thus turned upon the charities of an unfeeling community. He looked at him earnestly and said, Be of good cheer! Look forward, sir, to the high destination you may attain. Remember, the more elevated the mark at which you aim, the more sure, the more glorious, the more magnificent the prize. From wonder to wonder his encouragement led the impatient listener. A strange nature bloomed before him. Giant streams promised him success. Gardens of hidden treasures opened to his view. All this, so vividly described, seemed to gain a new witchery from his glowing fancy. It seems to me that this situation is new in romance. I feel sure it has not been attempted before. Military celebrities have been disguised and set at lowly occupations for dramatic effect. But I think McClintock is the first to send one of them to school. Thus in this book you pass from wonder to wonder, through gardens of hidden treasure where giant streams bloom before you and behind you and all around. And you feel as happy and groggy and satisfied with your court of mixed metaphor aboard as you would if it had been mixed in a sample room and delivered from a jug. Now we come upon some more McClintockian surprises. A sweetheart who is sprung upon us without any preparation, along with a name for her which is even a little more of a surprise than she herself is. In 1842 he entered the class and made rapid progress in the English and Latin departments. Indeed he continued advancing with such rapidity that he was like to become the first in his class and made such unexpected progress and was so studious that he had almost forgotten the pictured saint of his affections. The fresh wreaths of pine and cypress that waited anxiously to drop once more the do's of heaven upon the heads of those who had so often poured forth the tender emotions of their souls under its bows. He was aware of the pleasure that he had seen there, so one evening as he was returning from his reading he concluded he would pay a visit to this enchanting spot. Little did he think of witnessing a shadow of his former happiness, though no doubt he wished it might be so. He continued sauntering by the roadside, meditating on the past. The nearer he approached the spot, the more anxious he became. At that moment a tall female figure flitted across his path, with a bunch of roses in her hand. Her countenance showed uncommon vivacity, with a resolute spirit. Her ivory teeth already appeared as she smiled, beautifully, promenading, while her ringlets of hair dangled unconsciously around her snowy neck. Nothing was wanting to complete her beauty. The tinge of the rose was in full bloom upon her cheek. The charms of sensibility and tenderness were always her associates. In Ambulinia's bosom dwelt a noble soul, one that never faded, one that never was conquered. Ambulinia! It can hardly be matched in fiction. The full name is Ambulinia Valir. Marriage will presently round it out and perfect it, then it will be Mrs. Ambulinia Valir Elfonso. It takes the chromo. Her heart yielded to no feeling but the love of Elfonso on whom she gazed with intense delight, and to whom she felt herself more closely bound, because he sought the hand of no other. Elfonso was roused from his apparent reverie. His books no longer were his inseparable companions. His thoughts arrayed themselves to encourage him to the field of victory. He endeavored to speak to his supposed Ambulinia, but his speech appeared not in words. No! His effort was a stream of fire that kindled his soul into a flame of admiration and carried his senses away captive. Ambulinia had disappeared to make him more mindful of his duty. As she walked speedily away through the piney woods, she calmly echoed, Oh Elfonso, thou wilt now look from thy sunbeams. Thou shalt now walk in a new path. Perhaps thy way leads through darkness, but fear not. The stars foretell happiness. To MacLintock that jingling jumble of fine words meant something, no doubt, or seemed to mean something, but it is useless for us to try to divine what it was. Ambulinia comes, we don't know whence nor why. She mysteriously intimates, we don't know what. And then she goes echoing away, we don't know whither. And down comes the curtain. MacLintock's art is subtle. MacLintock's art is deep. Not many days afterward, as surrounded by fragrant flowers, she sat one evening at twilight to enjoy the cool breeze that whispered notes of melody along the distant groves. The little birds perched on every side, as if to watch the movements of their new visitor. The bells were tolling, when Elfonso silently stole along by the wild wood flowers, holding in his hand his favourite instrument of music, his eye continually searching for Ambulinia, who hardly seemed to perceive him, as she played carelessly with the songsters that hopped from branch to branch. Nothing could be more striking than the difference between the two. Nature seemed to have given the more tender soul to Elfonso, and the stronger and more courageous to Ambulinia. A deep feeling spoke from the eyes of Elfonso, such a feeling as can only be expressed by those who are blessed as admirers, and by those who are able to return the same with sincerity of heart. He was a few years older than Ambulinia. She had turned a little into her seventeenth. He had almost grown up in the Cherokee country, with the same equal proportions as one of the natives. But little intimacy had existed between them until the year forty-one, because the youth felt that the character of such a lovely girl was too exalted to inspire any other feeling than that of quiet reverence. But as lovers will not always be insulted, at all times and under all circumstances, by the frowns and cold looks of crabbed old age, which should continually reflect dignity upon those around, and treat the unfortunate as well as the fortunate with a graceful mien, he continued to use diligence and perseverance. All this lighted a spark in his heart that changed his whole character, and like the unyielding deity that follows the storm to check its rage in the forest, he resolves for the first time to shake off his embarrassment and return where he had before only worshipped. At last we begin to get the major's measure. We are able to put this and that casual fact together, and build the man up before our eyes, and look at him. And after we have got him built, we find him worth the trouble. By the above comparison between his age and ambolinias we guess the war-worn veteran to be twenty-two, and the other facts stand thus. He had grown up in the Cherokee country with the same equal proportions as one of the natives, how flowing and graceful the language, and yet how tantalizing as two meaning. He had been turned adrift by his father, to whom he had been somewhat of a dutiful son. He wandered in distant lands, came back frequently to the scenes of his boyhood, almost destitute of many of the comforts of life, in order to get into the presence of his father's winter-worn locks, and spread a humid veil of darkness around his expectations. But he was always promptly sent back to the cold charity of the combat again. He learned to play the fiddle, and made a name for himself in that line. He had dwelt among the wild tribes. He had philosophized about the despoilers of the kingdoms of the earth, and found out, the cunning creature, that they refer their differences to the learned for settlement. He had achieved a vast fame as a military chieftain, the Achilles of the Florida campaigns, and then had got him a spelling-book, and started to school. He had fallen in love with Ambulinia Valeer, while she was teething, but had kept it to himself a while, out of the reverential awe which he felt for the child. But now at last, like the unyielding deity who follows the storm to check its rage in the forest, he resolves to shake off his embarrassment, and to return where, before, he had only worshipped. The major indeed has made up his mind to rise up, and shake his faculties together, and to see if he can't do that thing himself. This is not clear. But no matter about that, there stands the hero, compact and visible, and he is no mean structure, considering that his creator had never created anything before, and hadn't anything but rags and wind to build with this time. It seems to me that no one can contemplate this odd creature, this quaint and curious blatherskite, without admiring MacLintock, or at any rate loving him and feeling grateful to him, for MacLintock made him. He gave him to us. Without MacLintock we could not have had him, and would now be poor. But we must come to the feast again. Here is a courtship scene, down there in the romantic glades among the raccoons, alligators, and things, that has merit, peculiar literary merit. See how Achilles woos! Dwell upon the second sentence, particularly the close of it, and the beginning of the third. Never mind the new personage, Leos, who is intruded upon us unheralded and unexplained. That is MacLintock's way. It is his habit. It is a part of his genius. He cannot help it. He never interrupts the rush of his narrative to make introductions. It could not escape Ambulinia's penetrating eye that he sought an interview with her, which she, as anxiously avoided, and assumed a more distant calmness than before, seemingly to destroy all hope. After many efforts and struggles with his own person, with timid steps, the Major approached the damsel, with the same caution as he would have done in a field of battle. Lady Ambulinia! said he trembling. I have long desired a moment like this. I dare not let it escape. I fear the consequences. Yet I hope your indulgence will at least hear my petition. Can you not anticipate what I would say, and what I am about to express? Will not you, like Minerva, who sprung from the brain of Jupiter, release me from thy winding chains, or cure me? Say no more, Alfonso! answered Ambulinia, with a serious look, raising her hand as if she intended to swear eternal hatred against the whole world. Another lady in my place would have perhaps answered your question in bitter coldness. I know not the little arts of my sex. I care but little for the vanity of those who would chide me, and am unwilling as well as ashamed to be guilty of anything that would lead you to think all is not gold at glitters. So be not rash in your resolution. It is better to repent now, than to do it in a more solemn hour. Yes, I know what you would say. I know you have a costly gift for me, the noblest that man can make, your heart. You should not offer it to one so unworthy. Heaven, you know, has allowed my father's house to be made a house of solitude, a home of silent obedience, which my parents say is more to be admired than big names and high-sounding titles. Notwithstanding all this, let me speak the emotions of an honest heart. Allow me to say, in the fullness of my hopes, that I anticipate better days. The bird may stretch its wings toward the sun, which it can never reach, and flowers of the field appear to ascend in the same direction, because they cannot do otherwise. But man confides his complaints to the saints in whom he believes. For in their abodes of light they know no more sorrow. From your confession and indicative looks I must be that person, if so, deceive not yourself. Alfonso replied, Pardon me, my dear madam, for my frankness I have loved you from my earliest days. Everything grand and beautiful hath borne the image of Ambulinia, while precipices on every hand surrounded me, your guardian angel stood and beckoned me away from the deep abyss. In every trial, in every misfortune, I have met with your helping hand. Yet I never dreamed or dared to cherish thy love, till a voice impaired with age encouraged the cause, and declared they who acquired thy favour should win a victory. I saw how Leos worship thee. I felt my own unworthiness. I began to know jealousy, a strong guest, indeed, in my bosom. Yet I could see, if I gained your admiration, Leos was to be my rival. I was aware that he had the influence of your parents, and the wealth of a deceased relative, which is too often mistaken for permanent and regular tranquillity. Yet I have determined by your permission to beg an interest in your prayers, to ask you to animate my drooping spirits by your smiles and your winning looks. For if you but speak, I shall be conqueror, my enemies shall stagger like Olympus shakes. And though earth and sea may tremble, and the charioteer of the sun may forget his dashing steed, yet I am assured that it is only to arm me with divine weapons which will enable me to complete my long, tried intention. Return to yourself, Alfonso," said Ambulinio pleasantly, a dream of vision has disturbed your intellect. You are above the atmosphere, dwelling in the celestial regions. Nothing is there that urges or hinders, nothing that brings discord into our present litigation. I entreat you to condescend a little, and be a man, and forget it all. When Homer describes the battle of the gods and noble men fighting with giants and dragons, they represent under this image our struggles with the delusions of our passions. You have exalted me, an unhappy girl, to the skies. You have called me a saint, and portrayed in your imagination an angel in human form. Let her remain such to you, let her continue to be as you have supposed, and be assured that she will consider a share in your esteem as her highest treasure. Think not that I would allure you from the path in which your conscience leads you, for you know I respect the conscience of others as I would die for my own. Alfonso, if I am worthy of thy love, let such conversation never again pass between us. Go, seek a nobler theme. We will seek it in the stream of time as the sun set in the Tigris. As she spake these words she grasped the hand of Alfonso, saying at the same time, Peace and prosperity attend you, my hero, be up and doing. Closing her remarks with this expression, she walked slowly away, leaving Alfonso astonished and amazed. He ventured not to follow or detain her. Here he stood alone, gazing at the stars, confounded as he was. Here he stood. Yes, there he stood. There seems to be no doubt about that. Nearly half of this delirious story has now been delivered to the reader. It seems a pity to reduce the other half to a cold synopsis. Pity, it is, more than a pity, it is a crime. For to synopsize McClintock is to reduce a sky-flushing conflagration to dull embers. It is to reduce barbaric splendor to ragged poverty. McClintock never wrote a line that was not precious. He never wrote one that could be spared. He never framed one from which a word could be removed without damage. Every sentence that this master has produced may be likened to a perfect set of teeth. White, uniform, beautiful. If you pull one, the charm is gone. Still it is now necessary to begin to pull and to keep it up, for lack of space requires us to synopsize. We left Alfonso standing there amazed. At what? We do not know. Not at the girl's speech. No. We ourselves should have been amazed at it, of course, for none of us has ever heard anything resembling it. But Alfonso was used to speeches made up of noise and vacancy and could listen to them with undaunted mind like the topmost topaz of an ancient tower. He was used to making them himself. He—but let it go, it cannot be guessed out. We shall never know what it was that astonished him. He stood there a while, and he said, Alas! Am I now grief's disappointed son at last? He did not stop to examine his mind, and to try to find out what he probably meant by that, because, for one reason, a mixture of ambition and greatness of soul moved upon his young heart, and started him for the village. He resumed his bench in school, and reasonably progressed in his education. His heart was heavy, but he went into society and sought surcease of sorrow in its light distractions. He made himself popular with his violin, which seemed to have a thousand chords, more symphonious than the muses of Apollo, and more enchanting than the ghost of the hills. This is obscure, but let it go. During this interval Leos did some unencouraged courting, but at last choked by his undertaking he desisted. Presently Alfonso again wends his way to the stately walls and new-built village. He goes to the house of his beloved, she opens the door herself. To my surprise, for Ambulinia's heart had still seemed free at the time of their last interview, love beamed from the girl's eyes. One sees that Alfonso was surprised, too, for when he caught that light, a halloo of smothered shouts ran through every vein. A neat figure, a very neat figure indeed. Then he kissed her. The scene was overwhelming. They went into the parlor. The girl said it was safe, for her parents were a bed, and would never know. Then we have this fine picture flung upon the canvas with hardly an effort, as you will notice. Advancing toward him she gave a bright display of her rosy neck, and from her head the ambrosial locks breathed divine fragrance. Her robe hung waving to his view, while she stood like a goddess confessed before him. There is nothing of interest in the couple's interview. Now at this point the girl invites Alfonso to a village show, where a jealousy is the motive of the play, for she wants to teach him a wholesome lesson, if he is a jealous person. But this is a sham and pretty shallow. MacLintyck merely wants a pretext to drag in a plagiarism of his upon a scene or two in a Othello. The lovers went to the play. Alfonso was one of the fiddlers. He and Ambulinia must not be seen together, lest trouble follow with the girl's malignant father. We are made to understand that clearly. So the two sit together in the orchestra, in the midst of the musicians. This does not seem to be good art. In the first place the girl would be in the way, for orchestras are always packed closely together, and there is no room to spare for people's girls. In the next place one cannot conceal a girl in an orchestra without everybody taking notice of it. There can be no doubt, it seems to me, that this is bad art. Lios is present. Of course, one of the first things that catches his eye is the maddening spectacle of Ambulinia leaning upon Alfonso's chair. This poor girl does not seem to understand even the rudiments of concealment, but she is in her seventeenth, as the author phrases it, and that is her justification. Lios meditates, constructs a plan, with personal violence as a basis, of course. It was their way down there. It is a good plain plan, without any imagination in it. He will go out and stand at the front door, and when these two come out he will arrest Ambulinia from the hands of the insolent Alfonso, and thus make for himself a more prosperous field of immortality than ever was decreed by omnipotence, or ever pencil drew or artist imagined. But, dear me, while he is waiting there the couple climb out at the back window and scurry home. This is romantic enough, but there is a lack of dignity in the situation. At this point McClintock puts in the whole of his curious play, which we skip. Some correspondence follows now. The bitter father and the distressed lovers write the letters. Elopements are attempted. They are idiotically planned, and they fail. Then we have several pages of romantic powwow and confusion, signifying nothing. Another elopement is planned. It is to take place on Sunday when everybody is at church. But the hero cannot keep the secret. He tells everybody. Another author would have found another instrument when he decided to defeat this elopement. But that is not McClintock's way. He uses the person that is nearest at hand. The evasion failed, of course. Ambulinia, in her flight, takes refuge in a neighbor's house. Her father drags her home. The villagers gather, attracted by the racket. Elfonso was moved at this site. The people followed on to see what was going to become of Ambulinia, while he, with downcast looks, kept at a distance, until he saw them enter the abode of the father, thrusting her, that was the sigh of his soul, out of his presence into a solitary apartment. When she exclaimed, Elfonso, Elfonso, Elfonso, where art thou with all thy heroes? Haste, oh haste, come thou to my relief. Ride on the wings of the wind. Turn thy force loose like a tempest, and roll on thy army like a whirlwind over this mountain of trouble and confusion. O friends, if any pity me, let your last efforts throng upon the green hills and come to the relief of Ambulinia, who is guilty of nothing but innocent love. Elfonso called out with a loud voice, my God, can I stand this? Arouse up, I beseech you, and put an end to this tyranny. Come, my brave boys, said he, are you ready to go forth to your duty? They stood around him. Who, said he, will call us to arms? Where are my thunderbolts of war? Speak ye, the first who will meet the foe. Who will go forward with me in this ocean of grievous temptation? If there is one who desires to go, let him come and shake hands upon the altar of devotion, and swear that he will be a hero. Yes, a hector in a cause like this, which calls aloud for a speedy remedy. Mine be the deed, said a young lawyer, and mine alone, Venus alone shall quit her station before I will forsake one jot or a tittle of my promise to you. What is death to me? What is all this war-like army, if it is not to win a victory? I love the sleep of the lover and the mighty, nor would I give it over till the blood of my enemies should wreak with that of my own, but God forbid that our fame should soar on the blood of the slumberer. Mr. Valiar stands at his door with a frown of a demon upon his brow, with his dangerous weapon. Note three, it is a crowbar, ready to strike the first man who should enter his door. Who will arise and go forward through blood and carnage to the rescue of my ambulinia? said Alfonso. All, exclaimed the multitude, and onward they went with their implements of battle. Others of a more timid nature stood among the distant hills to see the result of the contest. It will hardly be believed that after all this thunder and lightning not a drop of rain fell. But such is the fact. Alfonso and his gang stood up and black guarded Mr. Valiar with vigor all night, getting their outlay back with interest. Then in the early morning the army and its general retired from the field, leaving the victory with their solitary adversary and his crowbar. This is the first time this has happened in romantic literature. The invention is original. Everything in this book is original. There is nothing hackneyed about it anywhere. Always, in other romances, when you find the author leading up to a climax, you know what is going to happen. But in this book it is different. The thing which seems inevitable and unavoidable never happens. It is circumvented by the art of the author every time. Another elopement was attempted. It failed. We have now arrived at the end. But it is not exciting. McClintock thinks it is. But it isn't. One day Alfonso sent Ambulinia another note, a note proposing elopement number sixteen. This time the plan is admirable. Admirable, sagacious, ingenious, imaginative, deep. Oh, everything, and perfectly easy. One wonders why it was never thought of before. This is the scheme. Ambulinia is to leave the breakfast table ostensibly to attend to the placing of those flowers which should have been done a week ago. Artificial ones, of course. The others wouldn't keep so long. And then, instead of fixing the flowers, she is to walk out to the grove and go off with Alfonso. The invention of this plan overstrained the author, that is plain, for he straightway shows failing powers. The details of the plan are not many or elaborate. The author shall state them himself, this good soul, whose intentions are always better than his English. You walk carelessly toward the academy grove, where you will find me with a lightning-steed, elegantly equipped to bear you off where we shall be joined in wedlock with the first cannubial rites. Last scene of all, which the author now, much in feeble, tries to smarten up and make acceptable to his spectacular heart by introducing some new properties. Silver bow, golden harp, olive branch, things that can all come good in an elopement, no doubt, yet are not to be compared to an umbrella for real handiness and reliability in an excursion of that kind. And away she ran to the sacred grove, surrounded with glittering pearls that indicated her coming. Alfonso hails her with his silver bow and his golden harp. They meet, and Bolinia's countenance brightens. Alfonso leads up the winged steed. Mount, said he, ye true-hearted, ye fearless soul, the day is ours. She sprang upon the back of the young thunderbolt, a brilliant star sparkles upon her head. With one hand she grasps the reins, and with the other she holds an olive branch. Lend thy aid ye strong winds, they exclaimed. Ye moon, ye sun, and all ye fair host of heaven, witness the enemy conquered. Hold, said Alfonso, thy dashing steed, ride on, said Ambolinia, the voice of thunder is behind us. And onward they went with such rapidity that they very soon arrived at rural retreat, where they dismounted and were united with all the solemnities that usually attend such divine operations. There is but one Homer, there is but one Shakespeare, there is but one McLintock, and his immortal book is before you. Homer could not have written this book, Shakespeare could not have written it, I could not have done it myself. There is nothing just like it in the literature of any country or of any epoch. It stands alone, it is monumental. It adds G. Ragsdale McLintock's to the sum of the Republic's imperishable names. End of a cure This is section 17 of the $30,000 bequest by Mark Twain. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. The curious book. Complete. Part one. The foregoing review of the great work of G. Ragsdale McLintock is liberally illuminated with sample extracts, but these cannot appease the appetite. Only the complete book, unabridged, can do that. Therefore it is here printed. M. T. The enemy conquered, or love triumphant. Sweet girl, thy smiles are full of charms. Thy voice is sweeter still. It fills the breast with fond alarms, echoed by every reel. I begin this little work with a neulogy upon woman who has ever been distinguished for her perseverance, her constancy, and her devoted attention to those upon whom she has been pleased to place her affections. Many have been the themes upon which writers and public speakers have dwelt with intense and increasing interest. Among these delightful themes stands that of woman, the balm to all our size and disappointments, and the most preeminent of all other topics. Here the poet and orator have stood and gazed with wonder and with admiration. They have dwelt upon her innocence, the ornament of all her virtues, first viewing her external charms, such as are set forth in her form and benevolent countenance, and then passing to the deep hidden springs of loveliness and disinterested devotion. In every climb and in every age she has been the pride of her nation. Her watchfulness is untiring. She who guarded the sepulchre was the first to approach it, and the last to depart from its awful yet sublime scene. Even here, in this highly favored land, we look to her for the security of our institutions and for our future greatness as a nation. But, strange as it may appear, women's charms and virtues are but slightly appreciated by thousands. Those who should raise the standard of female worth and paint her value with her virtues in living colors, upon the banners that are fanned by the zeffers of heaven, and hand them down to posterity as emblematical of a rich inheritance, do not properly estimate them. Man is not sensible at all times of the nature and the emotions which bear that name. He does not understand. He will not comprehend. His intelligence has not expanded to that degree of glory which drinks in the vast revolution of humanity its end, its mighty destination, and the causes which operate it and are still operating, to produce a more elevated station, and the objects which energize and enliven its consummation. This he is a stranger to. He is not aware that woman is the recipient of celestial love, and that man is dependent upon her to perfect his character. That without her, philosophically and truly speaking, the brightest of his intelligence is but the coldest of a winter moon, whose beams can produce no fruit, whose solar light is not its own, but borrowed from the great dispenser of the fulgent beauty. We have no disposition in the world to flatter the fair sex. We would raise them above those dastardly principles which only exist in little souls, contracted hearts, and a distracted brain. Often does she unfold herself in all her fascinating loveliness, presenting the most captivating charms. Yet we find man frequently treats such purity of purpose with indifference. Why does he do it? Why does he baffle that which is inevitably the source of his better days? Is he so much of a stranger to those excellent qualities as not to appreciate woman, as not to have respect to her dignity? Since her art and beauty first captivated man, she has been his delight and his comfort. She has shared a like in his misfortunes and in his prosperity. Whenever the billows of adversity and the tumultuous waves of trouble beat high, her smiles subdue their fury. Should the tear of sorrow and the mournful sigh of grief interrupt the peace of his mind, her voice removes them all, and she bends from her circle to encourage him onward. When darkness would obscure his mind on a thick cloud of gloom would bewilder its operations, her intelligent eye darts a ray of streaming light into his heart. Mighty and charming is that disinterested devotion which she is ever ready to exercise toward man, not waiting till the last moment of his danger, but seeks to relieve him in his early afflictions. It gushes forth from the expansive fullness of a tender and devoted heart, where the noblest, the purest, and the most elevated and refined feelings are matured and developed in those many kind offices which invariably make her character. In the room of sorrow and sickness this unequaled characteristic may always be seen in the performance of the most charitable acts. Nothing that she can do to promote the happiness of him who she claims to be her protector will be omitted. All is invigorated by the animating sunbeams which awaken the heart to songs of gaiety. Leaving this point, to notice another prominent consideration, which is generally one of great moment and of vital importance. Invariably she is firm and steady in all her pursuits and aims. There is required a combination of forces and extreme opposition to drive her from her position. She takes her stand not to be moved by the sound of Apollo's lyre, or the curved bow of pleasure. Firm and true to what she undertakes, and that which she requires by her own aggrandizement, and regards as being within the strict rules of propriety, she will remain stable and unflinching to the last. A more genuine principle is not to be found in the most determined, resolute heart of man. For this she deserves to be held in the highest commendation, for this she deserves the purest of all other blessings, and for this she deserves the most laudable reward of all others. It is a noble characteristic and is worthy of imitation of any age, and when we look at it in one particular aspect, it is still magnified, and grows brighter and brighter the more we reflect upon its eternal duration. What will she not do when her word as well as her affections and love are pledged to her lover? Everything that is dear to her on earth, all the hospitalities of kind and loving parents, all the sincerity and loveliness of sisters, and the benevolent devotion of brothers who have surrounded her with every comfort. She will forsake them all, quit the harmony and sweet sound of the lute and the harp, and throw herself upon the affections of some devoted admirer in whom she fondly hopes to find more than she has left behind, which is not often realized by many. Truth and virtue all combined, how deserving our admiration and love! Ah, cruel would it be in man after she has thus manifested such an unshaken confidence in him, and said by her determination to abandon all the endearments and blandishments of home to act a villainous part and prove a traitor in the revolution of his mission, and then turn Hector over the innocent victim whom he swore to protect in the presence of heaven, recorded by the pen of an angel. Striking as this train may unfold itself in her character, and as preeminent as it may stand among the fair display of her other qualities, yet there is another which struggles into existence and adds an additional luster to what she already possesses. I mean that disposition in woman which enables her in sorrow, in grief, and in distress, to bear all with enduring patience. This she has done, and can and will do, amid the din of war and clash of arms. Scenes and occurrences which to every appearance are calculated to rend the heart with the profoundest emotions of trouble do not fetter that exalted principle imbued in her very nature. It is true, her tender and feeling heart may often be moved, as she has thus constituted, but she is not conquered. She has not given up to the harlequin of disappointments. Her energies have not become clouded in the last movement of misfortune, but she is continually invigorated by the archetype of her affections. She may bury her face in her hands, and let the tear of anguish roll. She may promenade the delightful walks of some garden, decorated with all the flowers of nature, or she may steal out along some gently rippling stream, and there, as the silver waters uninterruptedly move forward, shed her silent tears. They mingle with the waters, and take a last farewell of their agitated home to seek a peaceful dwelling among the rolling floods. Yet there is a voice rushing from her breast that proclaims victory along the whole line and battlement of her affections. That voice is the voice of patience and resignation. That voice is one that bears everything calmly and dispassionately amid the most distressing scenes. When the fates are arrayed against her peace, and apparently plotting for her destruction still, she is resigned. Woman's affections are deep. Consequently her troubles may be made to sink deep. Although you may not be able to mark the traces of her grief and the furrowings of her anguish upon her winning countenance, yet be assured they are nevertheless preying upon her inward person, sapping the very foundation of that heart which alone was made for the wheel, and not the woe of man. The deep recesses of the soul are fields for their operation. But they are not dust and simply to take the regions of the heart for their dominion. They are not satisfied merely with interrupting her better feelings. But after a while you may see the blooming cheek beginning to droop and fade, her intelligent eye no longer sparkles with the starry light of heaven, her vibrating pulse long since changed its regular motion, and her palpitating bosom beats once more for the midday of her glory. Anxiety and care ultimately throw her into the arms of the haggard and grim monster death. But, oh, how patient, under every pining influence! Let us view the matter in bolder colors. See her when the dearest object of her affections recklessly seeks every bacchanalian pleasure, contents himself with a last rubbish of creation. With what solicitude she awaits his return? Sleep fails to perform its office, she weeps while the nocturnal shades of the night triumph in the stillness, bending over some favored book whilst the author throws before her mind the most beautiful imagery, she startles at every sound. The midnight silence is broken by the solemn announcement of the return of another morning. He is still absent. She listens for that voice which has so often been greeted by the melodies of her own, but alas! stern silence is all that she receives for her vigilance. Mark her unwearyed watchfulness as the night passes away. At last, brutalized by the accursed thing, he staggers along with rage and shivering with cold he makes his appearance, not a murmur as heard from her lips. On the contrary, she meets him with a smile. She caresses him with tender arms, with all the gentleness and softness of her sex. Here, then, is seen her disposition beautifully arrayed. Woman, thou art more to be admired than the spicy gales of Arabia, and more sought for than the gold of Golconda. We believe that woman should associate freely with man, and we believe that it is for the preservation of her rights. She should become acquainted with the metaphysical designs of those who condescend to sing the siren song of flattery. This, we think, should be according to the unwritten law of decorum, which is stamped upon every innocent heart. The precepts of prudery are often steeped in the guilt of contamination, which blasts the expectations of better moments. Truth and beautiful dreams, loveliness and delicacy of character, with cherished affections of the ideal woman, gentle hopes and aspirations are enough to uphold her in the storms of darkness without the transferred colorings of a stained sufferer. How often have we seen it in her public prints that woman occupies a false station in the world, and some have gone so far as to say it was an unnatural one. So long has she been regarded a weak creature by the rabble and illiterate, they have looked upon her as an insufficient actress on the great stage of human life, a mere puppet to fill up the drama of human existence, a thoughtless, inactive being, that she has too often come to the same conclusion herself, and has sometimes forgotten her high destination in the meridian of her glory. We have but little sympathy or patience for those who treat her as a mere rosy malindy, who are always fishing for pretty compliments, who are satisfied by the gossamer of romance, and who can be allured by the verbosity of high-flown words rich in language, but poor and barren in sentiment. Beset, as she has been, by the intellectual vulgar, the selfish, the designing, the cunning, the hidden and the artful, no wonder she has sometimes folded her wings in despair and forgotten her heavenly mission in the delirium of imagination, no wonder she searches out some wild desert to find a peaceful home. But this cannot always continue. A new era is moving gently onward, old things are rapidly passing away, old superstitions, old prejudices, and old notions are now bidding farewell to their old associates and companions, and giving way to one whose wings are plumbed with the light of heaven and tinged by the dews of the morning. There is a remnant of blessedness that clings to her in spite of all evil influence. There is enough of the Divine Master left to accomplish the noblest work ever achieved under the canopy of the vaulted skies, and that time is fast approaching when the picture of the true woman will shine from its frame of glory to captivate, to win back, to restore, and to call into being once more the objects of her mission. Star of the brave, thy glory shed, or all the earth thy army led, bold meteor of immortal birth, why come from heaven to dwell on earth? Mighty and glorious are the days of youth, happy the moments of the lover, mingled with smiles and tears of his devoted, and long to be remembered are the achievements which he gains with a palpitating heart and a trembling hand. A bright and lovely dawn, the harbinger of a fair and prosperous day, had arisen over the beautiful little village of Cumming, which is surrounded by the most romantic scenery in the Cherokee Country. Brightening clouds seemed to rise from the mist of the fair Chattahoochee, to spread their beauty over the thick forest, to guide the hero whose bosom beats with aspirations to conquer the enemy that would tarnish his name, and to win back the admiration of his long-tried friend. He endeavored to make his way through Saunee's mountain, where many meet to catch the gales that are continually blowing for the refreshment of the stranger and the traveller. Surrounded as he was by hills on every side, naked rocks dared the efforts of his energies. Soon the sky became overcast, the sun buried itself in the clouds, and the fair day gave place to gloomy twilight, which lay heavily on the Indian plains. He remembered an old Indian castle that once stood at the foot of the mountain. He thought, if he could make his way to this, he would rest contented for a short time. The mountain air breathed fragrance, a rosy tinge rested on the glassy waters that murmured at its base. His resolution soon brought him to the remains of the Red Man's hut. He surveyed with wonder and astonishment the decayed building which time had buried in the dust and thought to himself his happiness was not yet complete. Beside the shore of the brook sat a young man, about eighteen or twenty, who seemed to be reading some favourite book and who had a remarkably noble countenance, eyes which betrayed more than a common mind. This, of course, made the youth a welcomed guest and gained him friends in whatever condition of life he might be placed. The traveller observed that he was a well-built figure which showed strength and grace in every movement. He accordingly addressed him in quite a gentlemanly manner and inquired of him the way to the village. After he had received the desired information and was about taking his leave the youth said, Are you not Major Alfonso, the great musician, the champion of a noble cause, the modern Achilles who gained so many victories in the Florida War? I bear that name, said the Major, and those titles trusting at the same time that the ministers of grace will carry me triumphantly through all my laudable undertakings, and if, continued the Major, you, sir, are the patronizer of noble deeds, I should like to make you my confidant and learn your address. The youth looked somewhat amazed, bowed low, mused for a moment, and began. My name is Roswell. I have been recently admitted to the bar, and can only give a faint outline of my future success in that honorable profession. But I trust, sir, like the eagle, I shall look down from lofty rocks upon the dwellings of man, and shall ever be ready to give you any assistance in my official capacity, and whatever this muscular arm of mine can do, whenever it shall be called from its buried greatness. The Major grasped him by the hand, and exclaimed, O thou exalted spirit of inspiration, thou flame of burning prosperity, may the heaven-directed blaze be the glare of thy soul, and battle down every rampart that seems to impede your progress. The road which led to the town presented many attractions. Alfonso had bid farewell to the youth of deep feeling, and was now wending his way to the dreaming spot of his fondness. The south winds whistled through the woods, as the waters dashed against the banks, as rapid fire in the pent furnace roars. This brought him to remember, while alone, that he quietly left behind the hospitality of a father's house, and gladly entered the world with higher hopes than are often realized. But as he journeyed onward, he was mindful of the advice of his father, who had often looked sadly on the ground, when tears of cruelly deceived hope moistened his eye. Alfonso had been somewhat of a dutiful son, yet fond of the amusements of life, had been in distant lands, had enjoyed the pleasure of the world, and had frequently returned to the scenes of his boyhood, almost destitute of many of the comforts of life. In this condition he would frequently say to his father, Have I offended you, that you look upon me as a stranger, and frown upon me with stinging looks? Will you not favor me with the sound of your voice? If I have trampled upon your veneration, or have spread a humid veil of darkness around your expectations, send me back into the world where no heart beats for me, where the foot of man has never yet trod. But give me at least one kind word, allow me to come into the presence sometimes, of thy winter-worn locks. For bid it, heaven, that I should be angry with thee, answered the father, my son, and yet I send thee back to the children of the world, to the cold charity of the combat, and to a land of victory. I read another destiny in thy countenance. I learn thy inclinations from the flame that has already kindled in my soul a stranger sensation. It will seek thee, my dear Alfonso. It will find thee. Thou canst not escape that lighted torch which shall blot out from the remembrance of men a long train of prophecies which they have foretold against thee. I once thought not so. Once I was blind. But now the path of life is plain before me, and my sight is clear. Yet, Alfonso, return to thy worldly occupation. Take again in thy hand that cord of sweet sounds. Struggle with the civilized world and with your own heart. Fly swiftly to the enchanted ground. Let the night owl send forth its screams from the stubborn oak. Let the sea sport upon the beach, and the stars sing together, but learn of these, Alfonso, thy doom and thy hiding place. Our most innocent as well as our most lawful desires must often be denied us, that we may learn to sacrifice them to a higher will. Remembering such admonitions with gratitude, Alfonso was immediately urged by the recollection of his father's family to keep moving. His steps became quicker and quicker. He hastened through the piney woods, dark as the forest was, and with joy he very soon reached the little village or repose in whose bosom rested the boldest chivalry. His close attention to every important object, his modest questions about whatever was new to him, his reverence for wise old age, and his ardent desire to learn many of the fine arts soon brought him into respectable notice. One mild winter day as he walked along the streets toward the academy, which stood upon a small eminence surrounded by native growth, some venerable in its appearance, others young and prosperous, all seemed inviting, and seemed to be the very place for learning as well as for genius to spend its research beneath its spreading shades. He entered its classic walls in the usual mode of Southern manners, the principle of the institution begged him to be seated and listen to the recitations that were going on. He accordingly obeyed the request and seemed to be much pleased. After the school was dismissed and the young hearts regained their freedom with the songs of the evening, laughing at the anticipated pleasures of a happy home, while others tittered at the actions of the past day, he addressed the teacher in a tone that indicated a resolution with an undaunted mind. He said he had determined to become a student, if he could meet with his approbation. Sir, said he, I have spent much time in the world, I have traveled among the uncivilized inhabitants of America, I have met with friends and combated with foes, but none of these gratify my ambition or decide what is to be my destiny. I see the learned would have an influence with the voice of the people themselves. The dispoilers of the remotest kingdoms of the earth refer their differences to this class of persons. This the illiterate and inexperienced little dream of, and now if you will receive me as I am with these deficiencies, with all my misguided opinions, I will give you my honour, sir, that I will never disgrace the institution or those who have placed you in this honourable station. The instructor who had met with many disappointments knew how to feel for a stranger who had been thus turned upon the charities of an unfeeling community. He looked at him earnestly and said, Be of good cheer! Look forward, sir, to the high destination you may attain. Remember the more elevated the mark at which you aim, the more sure, the more glorious, the more magnificent the prize. From wonder to wonder his encouragement led the impatient listener. A strange nature bloomed before him. Giant streams promised him success. Gardens of hidden treasures opened to his view. All this, so vividly described, seemed to gain a new witchery from his glowing fancy. In 1842 he entered the class and made rapid progress in the English and Latin departments. Indeed he continued advancing with such rapidity that he was like to become the first in his class and made such unexpected progress and was so studious that he had almost forgotten the pictured saint of his affections. The fresh reeds of the pine and cypress had waited anxiously to drop once more the do's of heaven upon the heads of those who had so often poured forth the tender emotions of their souls under its bows. He was aware of the pleasure that he had seen there, so one evening, as he was returning from his reading, he concluded he would pay a visit to this enchanting spot. Little did he think of witnessing a shadow of his former happiness, though no doubt he wished it might be so. He continued sauntering by the roadside, meditating on the past. The nearer he approached the spot, the more anxious he became. At the moment a tall female figure flitted across his path, with a bunch of roses in her hand. Her countenance showed uncommon vivacity, with a resolute spirit. Her ivory teeth already appeared as she smiled beautifully, promenading, while her ringlets of hair dangled unconsciously around her snowy neck. Nothing was wanting to complete her beauty. The tinge of the rose was in full bloom upon her cheek. The charms of sensibility and tenderness were always her associates. In Ambulinia's bosom dwelt a noble soul, one that never faded, one that never was conquered. Her heart yielded to no feeling but the love of Alfonso on whom she gazed with intense delight, and to whom she felt herself more closely bound because he sought the hand of no other. Alfonso was roused from his apparent reverie. His books no longer were his inseparable companions. His thoughts arrayed themselves to encourage him to the field of victory. He endeavored to speak to his supposed Ambulinia, but his speech appeared not in words. Now his effort was a stream of fire that kindled his soul into a flame of admiration and carried his senses away captive. Ambulinia had disappeared, to make him more mindful of his duty. As she walked speedily away through the piney woods she calmly echoed, Oh Alfonso, thou wilt now look from thy sunbeams, thou shalt now walk in a new path. Perhaps thy way leads through darkness, but fear not, the stars foretell happiness. Not many days afterward, as surrounded by fragrant flowers, she sat one evening at twilight to enjoy the cool breeze that whispered notes of melody along the distant groves, the little birds perched on every side, as if to watch the movements of their new visitor. The bells were tolling when Alfonso silently stole along by the wild wood flowers, holding in his hand his favourite instrument of music, his eye continually searching for Ambulinia, who hardly seemed to perceive him as she played carelessly with the songsters that hopped from branch to branch. Nothing could be more striking than the difference between the two. Nature seemed to have given the more tender soul to Alfonso and the stronger and more courageous to Ambulinia. A deep feeling spoke from the eyes of Alfonso such a feeling as can only be expressed by those who are blessed as admirers and by those who are able to return the same with sincerity of heart. He was a few years older than Ambulinia. She had turned a little into her seventeenth. He had almost grown up in the Cherokee country with the same equal proportions as one of the natives. But little intimacy had existed between them until the year forty-one, because the youth felt that the character of such a lovely girl was too exalted to inspire any other feeling than that of quiet reverence. But as lovers will not always be insulted at all times and under all circumstances by the frowns and cold looks of crabbed old age, which should continually reflect dignity upon those around, and treat unfortunate as well as the fortunate with a graceful mean, he continued to use diligence and perseverance. All this lighted a spark in his heart that changed his whole character and like the unyielding deity that follows the storm to check its rage in the forest, he resolves for the first time to shake off his embarrassment and return where he had before only worshipped. It could not escape Ambulinia's penetrating eye that he sought an interview with her, which she as anxiously avoided, and assumed a more distant calmness than before, seemingly to destroy all hope. After many efforts and struggles with his own person, with timid steps the major approached the damsel with the same caution as he would have done in a field of battle. Lady Ambulinia, said he trembling, I have long desired a moment like this. I dare not let it escape. I fear the consequences, yet I hope your indulgence will at least hear my petition. Can you not anticipate what I would say and what I am about to express? Will not you, like Minerva who sprung from the brain of Jupiter, release me from thy winding chains or cure me? Say no more, Alfonso," answered Ambulinia, with a serious look, raising her hand as if she intended to swear eternal hatred against the whole world. Another lady in my place would have perhaps answered your question in bitter coldness. I know not the little arts of my sex. I care but little for the vanity of those who would chide me, and am unwilling as well as ashamed to be guilty of anything that would lead you to think all is not gold but glitters. So be not rash in your resolution. It is better to repent now than to do it in a more solemn hour. Yes, I know what you would say. I know you have a costly gift for me, the noblest that man can make. Your heart, you should not offer it to one so unworthy. Heaven, you know, has allowed my father's house to be made a house of solitude, a home of silent obedience, which my parents say is more to be admired than big names and high-sounding titles. Notwithstanding all this, let me speak the emotions of an honest heart. Allow me to say in the fullness of my hopes that I anticipate better days. The bird may stretch its wings toward the sun, which it can never reach, and flowers of the field appear to ascend in the same direction, because they cannot do otherwise. But man confides his complaints to the saints in whom he believes. For in their abodes of light they know no more sorrow. From your confession and indicative looks, I must be that person, if so, deceive not yourself. Alfonso replied, pardon me, my dear madam, for my frankness. I have loved you from my earliest days. Everything grand and beautiful hath borne the image of Ambulinia. While precipices on every hand surrounded me, your guardian angel stood and beckoned me away from the deep abyss. In every trial, in every misfortune, I have met with your helping hand. Yet I never dreamed or dared to cherish thy love till a voice impaired with age encouraged the cause, and declared they who acquired thy favour should win a victory. I saw how Leos worshipped thee. I felt my own unworthiness. I began to know jealousy. A strong guest indeed in my bosom. Yet I could see if I gained your admiration. Leos was to be my rival. I was aware that he had the influence of your parents, and the wealth of a deceased relative, which is too often mistaken for permanent and regular tranquillity. Yet I have determined by your permission to beg an interest in your prayers, to ask you to animate my dropping spirits by your smiles and your winning looks. For if you but speak, I shall be conqueror. My enemy shall stagger like Olympia shakes, and though earth and sea may tremble, and the charioteer of the sun may forget his dashing steed, yet I am assured that it is only to arm me with divine weapons, which will enable me to complete my long-tried intention. Return to yourself, Alfonso, said Ambulinia pleasantly. A dream of vision has disturbed your intellect. You are above the atmosphere, dwelling in the celestial regions. Nothing is there that urges or hinders, nothing that brings discord into our present litigation. I entreat you to condescend a little, and be a man, and forget it all. When Homer describes the battle of the gods and noble men fighting with giants and dragons, they represent under this image our struggles with the delusions of our passions. You have exalted me, an unhappy girl, to the skies. You have called me a saint, and portrayed in your imagination an angel in human form. Let her remain such to you, let her continue to be as you have supposed, and be assured that she will consider a share in your esteem as her highest treasure. Think not that I would allure you from the path in which your conscience leads you, for you know I respect the conscience of others as I would die for my own. Elfonso, if I am worthy of thy love, let such conversation never again pass between us. Go, seek a nobler theme. We will seek it in the stream of time as the sun set in the Tigris. As she spake these words she grasped the hand of Elfonso, saying at the same time, Peace and prosperity attend you, my hero, be up and doing. Closing her remarks with this expression she walked slowly away, leaving Elfonso astonished and amazed. He ventured not to follow or detain her. Here he stood alone, gazing at the stars, confounded as he was, here he stood. The rippling stream rolled on at his feet. Twilight had already begun to draw her sable mantle over the earth, and now and then the fiery smoke would ascend from the little town which lay spread out before him. The citizens seemed to be full of life and good humor, but poor Elfonso saw not a brilliant scene. No, his future life stood before him, stripped of the hopes that once adorned all his sanguine desires. Alas! said he! Am I now grief's disappointed son at last? Ambulinia's image rose before his fancy. A mixture of ambition and greatness of soul moved upon his young heart, and encouraged him to bear all his crosses with the patience of a Job, notwithstanding he had to encounter with so many obstacles. He still endeavored to prosecute his studies, and reasonably progressed in his education. Still he was not content. There was something yet to be done before his happiness was complete. He would visit his friends and acquaintances. They would invite him to social parties, insisting that he should partake of the amusements that were going on. This he enjoyed tolerably well. The ladies and gentlemen were generally well pleased with the major, as he delighted all with his violin, which seemed to have a thousand chords, more symphonious than the muses of Apollo, and more enchanting than the ghost of the hills. He passed some days in the country, during that time Leos had made many calls upon Ambulinia, who was generally received with a great deal of courtesy by the family. They thought of him to be a young man worthy of attention, though he had but little in his soul to attract the attention, or even win the affections of her, whose graceful manners had almost made him a slave to every bewitching look that fell from her eyes. Leos made several attempts to tell her of his fair prospects, how much he loved her, and how much it would add to his bliss if he could but think she would be willing to share these blessings with him. But choked by his undertaking he made himself more like an inactive drone than he did like one who bowed at Beauty's Shrine. Alfonso again wends his way to the stately walls and new-built village. He now determines to see the end of the prophecy which had been foretold to him. The clouds burst from his sight. He believes if he can but see his Ambulinia, he can open to her view the bloody altars that have been misrepresented to stigmatize his name. He knows that her breast is transfixed with a sword of reason, and ready at all times to detect the hidden villainy of her enemies. He resolves to see her in her own home with a consoling theme, I can but perish if I go. Let the consequences be what they may, said he. If I die, it shall be contending and struggling for my own rights. Knight had almost overtaken him when he arrived in town. Colonel Elder, a noble-hearted, high-minded, and independent man, met him at his door as usual, and seized him by the hand. Well, Alfonso, said the Colonel, how does the world use you in your efforts? I have no objection to the world, said Alfonso, but the people are rather singular in some of their opinions. I, well, said the Colonel, you must remember that creation is made up of many mysteries. Just take things by the right handle. Be always sure you know which is the smooth side before you attempt your polish. Be reconciled to your fate. Be it what it may, and never find fault with your condition unless your complaining will benefit it. Perseverance is a principle that should be commendable in those who have judgment to govern it. I should never have been so successful in my hunting excursions that I waited till the deer, by some magic dream, had been drawn to the muzzle of the gun before I made an attempt to fire at the game that dared my boldness in the wild forest. The great mystery in hunting seems to be a good marksman, a resolute mind, a fixed determination, and my word for it you will never return home without sounding your horn with the breath of a new victory. And so with every other undertaking, be confident that your ammunition is of the right kind. Always pull your trigger with a steady hand, and so soon as you perceive a calm, touch her off, and the spoils are yours." This filled him with redoubled vigor, and he set out with a stronger anxiety than ever to the home of Ambulinia. A few short steps soon brought him to the door half out of breath. He rapped gently. Ambulinia, who sat in the parlor alone, suspecting Alfonso was near, ventured to the door, opened it, and beheld the hero, who stood in a humble attitude, bowed gracefully, and as they caught each other's looks the light of peace beamed from the eyes of Ambulinia. Alfonso caught the expression, a halloo of smothered shouts ran through every vein, and for the first time he dared to impress a kiss upon her cheek. The scene was overwhelming. Had the temptation been less animating he would not have ventured to have acted so contrary to the desired wish of his Ambulinia. But who could have withstood the irresistible temptation? What society condemns the practice but a cold, heartless, uncivilized people that know nothing of the warm attachments of refined society? Here the dead was raised to his long cherished hopes, and the lost was found. Here all doubt and danger were buried in the vortex of oblivion. Sectional differences no longer disunited their opinions. Like the free bird from the cage, sportive claps its rustling wings, wheels about to heaven in a joyful strain, and raises its notes to the upper sky. Ambulinia insisted upon Alfonso to be seated and give her a history of his unnecessary absence, assuring him the family had retired, consequently they would ever remain ignorant of his visit. Advancing toward him she gave a bright display of her rosy neck, and from her head the ambrosial locks breathed divine fragrance. Her robe hung waving to his view while she stood like a goddess confessed before him. "'It does seem to me, my dear sir,' said Ambulinia, that you have been gone in age. Oh, the restless hours I have spent since I last saw you, in yarn beautiful grove. There is where I trifled with your feelings for the express purpose of trying your attachment for me. I now find you are devoted, but ah, I trust you live not unguarded by the powers of heaven. Though oft did I refuse to join my hand with thine, and as oft did I cruelly mock thy entreaties with borrowed shapes. Yes, I feared to answer thee by terms, in words sincere and undissembled. Oh, could I pursue! And you have leisure to hear the annals of my woes. The evening star would shut heaven's gates upon the impending day before my tale would be finished, and this night would find me soliciting your forgiveness. "'Dismiss thy fears and thy doubts,' replied Alfonso. "'Look, oh, look, that angelic look of thine, bathe not thy visage in tears. Banish those floods that are gathering. Let my confession and my presence bring thee some relief. Then, indeed, I will be cheerful,' said Ambulania. "'And I think if we will go to the exhibition this evening, we certainly will see something worthy of our attention. One of the most tragical scenes is to be acted that has ever been witnessed, and one that every jealous-hearted person should learn a lesson from. It cannot fail to have a good effect, as it will be performed by those who are young and vigorous and learned as well as enticing. "'You are aware, Major Alfonso, who are to appear on the stage, and what the characters are to represent?' "'I am acquainted with the circumstances,' replied Alfonso. "'And as I am to be one of the musicians upon that interesting occasion, I should be much gratified if you would favour me with your company during the hours of the exercises.' "'What strange notions are in your mind,' inquired Ambulania. "'Now I know you have something in view, and I desire you to tell me why it is that you are so anxious that I should continue with you while the exercises are going on, though if you think I can add to your happiness and predilections, I have no particular objection to acquiesce in your request. "'Oh, I think I foresee now what you anticipate.' "'And will you have the goodness to tell me what you think it will be?' inquired Alfonso. "'By all means,' answered Ambulania. "'Arrival, sir, you would fancy in your own mind, but let me say to you, fear not, fear not. I will be one of the last persons to disgrace my sex by thus encouraging everyone who may feel disposed to visit me, who may honour me with their graceful bows and their choicest compliments. It is true that young men too often mistake civil politeness for the finer emotions of the heart, which is tantamount to courtship, but ah, how often are they deceived, when they come to test the weight of sunbeams with those on whose strength hangs the future happiness of an untried life?' The people were now rushing to the academy with impatient anxiety. The band of music was closely followed by the students, then the parents and guardians. Nothing interrupted the glow of spirits which ran through every bosom, tinged with the songs of a Virgil, and the tide of a Homer. Alfonso and Ambulania soon repaired to the scene, and fortunately for them both the house was so crowded that they took their seats together in the music department, which was not in view of the auditory. This fortuitous circumstance added more to the bliss of the major than a thousand such exhibitions would have done. He forgot that he was ma'am. Music had lost its charm for him. Whenever he attempted to carry his part, the string of the instrument would break, the bow became stubborn, and refused to obey the loud calls of the audience. Here, he said, was the paradise of his home, the long sought for opportunity. He felt as though he could send a million supplications to the throne of heaven for such an exalted privilege. Poor Leos, who was somewhere in the crowd, looking as attentively as if he was searching for a needle in a haystack, here he stood, wondering to himself why Ambulania was not there. Where can she be? Oh, if she was only here, how I could relish the scene! Alfonso was certainly not in town, but what if he is? I have got the wealth, if I have not the dignity, and I am sure that the squire and his lady have always been particular friends of mine, and I think with this assurance I shall be able to get upon the blind side of the rest of the family and make the heaven-born Ambulania the mistress of all I possess. Then again he would drop his head as if attempting to solve the most difficult problem in Euclid. While he was thus conjecturing in his own mind, a very interesting part of the exhibition was going on which called the attention of all present. The curtains of the stage waved continually by the repelled forces that were given to them, which caused Leos to behold Ambulania leaning upon the chair of Alfonso. Her lofty beauty, seen by the glimmering of the chandelier, filled his heart with rapture. He knew not how to contain himself. To go where they were would expose him to ridicule. To continue where he was, with such an object before him, without being allowed an explanation in that trying hour, would be to the great injury of his mental as well as of his physical powers. And in the name of High Heaven what must he do? Finally he resolved to contain himself as well as he conveniently could until the scene was over, and then he would plant himself at the door to arrest Ambulania from the hands of the insolent Alfonso, and thus make for himself a more prosperous field of immortality than ever was decreed by omnipotence, or ever pencil drew or artist imagined. Accordingly he made himself sentinel, immediately after the performance of the evening, retained his position apparently in defiance of all the world. He waited. He gazed at every lady. His whole frame trembled. Here he stood, until everything like human shape had disappeared from the institution, and he had done nothing. He had failed to accomplish that which he so eagerly sought for, poor unfortunate creature. He had not the eyes of an Argus, or he might have seen his Juno and Alfonso assisted by his friend Sigma make their escape from the window, and with the rapidity of a racehorse, hurry through the blast of the storm to the residence of her father without being recognized. He did not tarry long, but assured Ambulania the endless chain of their existence was more closely connected than ever, since he had seen the virtuous, innocent, imploring, and the constant Amelia murdered by the jealous-hearted Farsillo, the accursed of the land. The following is the Tragical Scene, which is only introduced to show the subject matter that enabled Alfonso to come to such a determinate resolution that nothing of the kind should ever dispossess him of his true character, should he be so fortunate as to succeed in his present undertaking. Amelia was the wife of Farsillo, and a virtuous woman. Gracia, a young lady, was her particular friend and confidant. Farsillo grew jealous of Amelia, murders her, finds out that he was deceived, and stabs himself. Amelia appears alone, talking to herself. A. Hail ye solitary ruins of antiquity, ye sacred tombs and silent walks! It is your aid, I invoke. It is to you, my soul, wrapped in deep mediation, pours forth its prayer. Here I wander upon the stage of mortality since the world hath turned against me. Those whom I believe to be my friends, alas, are now my enemies, planting thorns in all my paths, poisoning all my pleasures, and turning the past to pain. What a lingering catalog of sighs and tears lies just before me, crowding my aching bosom with a fleeting dream of humanity, which must shortly terminate. And to what purpose will all this bustle of life, these agitations and emotions of the heart, have conduced, if it leave behind it nothing of utility, if it leave no traces of improvement? Can it be that I am deceived in my conclusions? No, I see that I have nothing to hope for, but everything for fear, which tends to drive me from the walks of time. Oh, in this dead night, if loud winds arise to lash the surge and bluster in the skies, may the west its furious rage display toss me with storms in the watery way. Enter Gracia. Gee. Oh, Amelia, is it you, the object of grief, the daughter of opulence, of wisdom and philosophy, that thus complaineth? It cannot be you are the child of misfortune, speaking of the monuments of former ages, which were allotted not for the reflection of the distressed, but for the fearless and bold. A. Not the child of poverty, Gracia, or the air of glory and peace, but of fate. Remember, I have wealth more than wit and number. I have had power more than kings could encompass. Yet the world seems a desert. All nature appears an afflictive spectacle of war and passions. This blind fatality, that capriciously sports with the rules and lives of mortals, tells me that the mountains will never again send forth the water of their springs to my thirst. Oh, that I might be freed and set at liberty from wretchedness. But I fear, I fear this will never be. Gee. Why, Amelia, this untimely grief, what has caused the sorrows that bespeak better and happier days to thus lavish out such heaps of misery? You are aware that your instructive lessons embellish the mind with holy truths, by wedding its attention to none but great and noble affections. A. This, of course, is some consolation. I will ever love my own species with feelings of a fond recollection, and while I am studying to advance the universal philanthropy, and the spotless name of my own sex, I will try to build my own upon the pleasing belief that I have accelerated the advancement of one who whispers of departed confidence. And I, like some poor peasant fated to reside remote from friends in a forest wide, O see what woman's woes and human wants require, since that great day hath spread the seed of sinful fire. Gee. Look up, thou poor disconsolate. You speak of quitting earthly enjoyments, unfold, I bosom to a friend, who would be willing to sacrifice every enjoyment for the restoration of the dignity and gentleness of mind, which used to grace your walks, and which is so natural to yourself. Not only that, but your paths were strewed with flowers of every hue and of every order. With verdant green the mountains glow, for thee, for thee the lilies grow, far stretched beneath the tinted hills, a fairer flower the valley fills. A. O would to heaven I could give you a short narrative of my former prospects for happiness, since you have acknowledged to be an unchangeable confidant, the richest of all other blessings. O ye names forever glorious, ye celebrated scenes, ye renowned spot of my hymenial moments. How replete is your chart with sublime reflections. How many profound vows, decorated with immaculate deeds, are written upon the surface of that precious spot of earth, where I yielded up my life of celibacy, bad youth with all its beauties of final adieu, took a last farewell of the laurels that had accompanied me up the hill of my juvenile career. It was then I began to descend toward the valley of disappointment and sorrow. It was then I cast my little bark upon a mysterious ocean of wedlock, with him who then smiled and caressed me, but alas, now frowns with bitterness, and has grown jealous and cold toward me, because the ring he gave me is misplaced or lost. O bear me, ye flowers of memory, softly through the eventful history of past times, and ye places that have witnessed the progression of man in the circle of so many societies, and, O aid my recollection, while I endeavour to trace the vicissitudes of a life devoted in endeavouring to comfort him that I claim is the object of my wishes. Ah ye mysterious men of all the world, how few act just to heaven and to your promise true. But he who guides the stars with a watchful eye, the deeds of men lay open without disguise. O this alone will avenge the wrongs I bear, for all the oppressed are his, particularly your care. F makes a slight noise. A. Who is there? Farsillo? G. Then I must be gone. Heaven protect you, O Amelia, farewell be of good cheer. May you stand like Olympus' towers, against earth and all jealous powers. May you, with loud shouts, ascend on high, swift as an eagle in the upper sky. A. Why so cold and distant tonight, Farsillo? Come, let us each other greet and forget all the past, and give security for the future. F. Security. Talk to me about giving security for the future. What an insulting requisition. Have you said your prayers tonight, Madam Amelia? A. Farsillo, we sometimes forget our duty, particularly when we expect to be caressed by others. F. If you bethink yourself of any crime or of any fault that is yet concealed from the courts of heaven and the thrones of grace, I bid you ask and solicit forgiveness for it now. A. Oh, be kind, Farsillo, don't treat me so. What do you mean by all this? F. Be kind, you say. You, Madam, have forgot that kindness you owe to me and bestowed it upon another. You shall suffer for your conduct when you make your peace with your God. I would not slay thy unprotected spirit. I call to heaven to be my guard and my watch. I would not kill thy soul, in which all once seemed just, right, and perfect. But I must be brief, woman. A. What talk you have killing? Oh, Farsillo, Farsillo, what is the matter? F. I, I do, without doubt. Mark what I say, Amelia. A. Then, oh God, oh heaven and angels, be propitious and have mercy upon me. F. Amen to that woman, with all my heart and with all my soul. End of the curious book, part one. This is section 18 of the $30,000 request and other stories by Mark Twain. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. The curious book, part two, by Mark Twain. A. Farsillo, listen to me one moment. I hope you will not kill me. F. Kill you. I, that I will. Attested. Ye fair host of light recorded. Ye dark imps of hell. A. Oh, I fear you. You are fatal when darkness covers your brow. Yet I know not why I should fear, since I never wronged you in all my life. I stand, sir, guiltless before you. F. You pretend to say you are guiltless. Think of thy sins, Amelia. Think, oh, think, hidden woman. A. Wherein have I not been true to you? That death is unkind, cruel, and unnatural, that kills for loving. F. Peace, and be still while I unfold to thee. A. I will, Farsillo, and while I am thus silent, tell me the cause of such cruel coldness in an hour like this. F. That ring. Oh, that ring I so loved, and gave thee as the ring of my heart, the allegiance you took to be faithful when it was presented, the kisses and smiles with which you honoured it. You became tired of the donor, despised it as a plague, and finally gave it to Malos, the hidden, the vile traitor. A. No, upon my word and honour I never did. I appealed to the most high to bear me out in this matter. Send for Malos, and ask him. F. Send for Malos. I. Malos, you wish to see. I thought so. I knew you could not keep his name concealed. Amelia, sweet Amelia, take heed. Take heed of perjury. You are on the stage of death to suffer for your sins. A. What, not to die, I hope, my Farsillo, my ever-beloved? F. Yes, madam, to die a traitor's death. Shortly your spirit shall take its exit. Therefore confess freely thy sins, for to deny tends only to make me groan under the bitter cup thou hast made for me. Thou art to die with a name of traitor on thy brow. A. Then, O Lord, have mercy upon me. Give me courage. Give me grace and fortitude to stand this hour of trial. F. Amen, I say, with all my heart. A. And, O Farsillo, will you have mercy too? I never intentionally offended you in all my life. Never loved, malice. Never gave him cause to think so, as the High Court of Justice will acquit me before its tribunal. F. O false-perjured woman, thou dost chill my blood, and makest me a demon like thyself. I saw the ring. A. He found it, then, or got it clandestinely, sent for him, and let him confess the truth. Let his confession be sifted. F. And you still wish to see him. I tell you, madam, he hath already confessed, and thou knowest the darkness of thy heart. A. What, my deceived Farsillo, that I gave him the ring in which all my affections were concentrated? Oh, surely not. F. I, he did. Ask thy conscience, and it will speak with a voice of thunder to thy soul. A. He will not say so. He dare not. He cannot. F. No, he will not say so. Now, because his mouth, I trust, is hushed in death, and his body stretched to the four winds of heaven to be torn to pieces by carnivorous birds. A. What, is he dead, and gone to the world of spirits with that declaration in his mouth? Oh, unhappy man! O insuperable hour! F. Yes, and had all his size and looks and tears been lives, my great revenge could have slain them all without the least condemnation. A. Alas, he is ushered into eternity without testing the matter for which I am abused and sentenced and condemned to die. F. Cursed infernal woman, weepest thou for him to my face, he that hath robbed me of my peace, my energy, the whole love of my life. Could I call the fabled Hydra? I would have him live and perish, survive and die, until the sun itself would grow dim with age. I would make him have the thirst of a tantalus, and roll the wheel of Enixion, until the stars of heaven should quit their brilliant stations. A. Oh, invincible God, save me! Oh, unsupportable moment! Oh, heavy hour! Banish me, Forceo, send me, where no eye can ever see me, where no sound shall ever grate my ear. But oh, slay me not, Forceo, vent thy rage, and thy spite upon this emaciated frame of mine, only spare my life. F. Your petitions avail nothing, cruel Amelia. A. Oh, Forceo, perpetrate the dark deed to-morrow, let me live till then, for my past kindness to you, and it may be some kind angel will show to you, that I am not only the object of innocence, but one who never loved another but your noble self. F. Amelia, the decree has gone forth, it is to be done, and that quickly, thou art to die, madam. A. But half an hour allow me to see my father and my only child, to tell her the treachery and vanity of this world. F. There is no alternative, there is no pause. My daughter shall not see its deceptive mother die. Your father shall not know that his daughter fell disgraced, despised by all but her enchanting malice. A. Oh, Forceo, put up thy threatening dagger into its scabbard, let it rest and be still, just while I say one prayer for thee and for my child. F. It is too late, thy doom is fixed. Thou hast not confessed to heaven or to me, my child's protector. Thou art to die, ye powers of earth and heaven, protect and defend me in this alone. Stabs her while imploring for mercy. A. Oh, Forceo, Forceo, a guiltless death I die. F. Die, die, die! Gracia enters, running, falls on her knees, weeping, and kisses Amelia. G. Oh, Forceo, Forceo, Oh, Forceo, F. I am here, the genius of the age and the avenger of my wrongs. G. Oh, lady, speak once more, sweet Amelia. Oh, speak again. Gone, gone, yes, forever gone. Forceo, oh, cold-hearted Forceo, some evil fiend hath urged you to do this, Forceo. F. Say not so again, or you shall receive the same fate. I did the glorious deed, madam. Beware, then, how you talk. G. I fear not your implements of war. I will let you know you have not the power to do me harm. If you have a heart of triple brass, it shall be reached and melted, and thy blood shall chill thy veins and grow stiff in thy arteries. Here is the ring of thy virtuous and innocent murdered Amelia. I obtained it from Malos, who yet lives, in hopes that he will survive the wound given him, and says he got it clandestinely, declares Amelia to be the princess of truth and virtue, invulnerable to anything like forgetting her first devotion to thee. The world has heard of your conduct and your jealousy, and with one universal voice declares her to be the best of all in piety, that she is the star of this great universe, and a more virtuous woman never lived since the wheels of time began. Oh, had you waited till to-morrow, or until I had returned, some kind window would have been open to her relief, but alas, she is gone, yes, forever gone, to try the realities of an unknown world. Farcio leaning over the body of Amelia, F. Malos, not dead, and here is my ring. Oh, Amelia, falsely, falsely murdered! Oh, bloody deed! Oh, wretch that I am! Oh, angels, forgive me! Oh, God, withhold thy vengeance! Oh, Amelia, if heaven would make a thousand worlds like this, set with diamonds and all of one perfect chrysalite, I would not have done this for them all. I would not have frowned and cursed as I did. Oh, she was heavenly true, nursed in the very lap of bright angels. Cursed slave that I am! Jealousy! Oh, thou infernal demon! Lost! Lost to every sense of honor! Oh, Amelia, heaven-born Amelia, dead, dead! Oh, oh, oh! Then let me die with thee! Farewell! Farewell! Ye world that deceived me! Stabs himself. Soon after the excitement of this tragical scene was over, and the enlisted feeling for Amelia had grown more buoyant, with Alfonso and Ambulinia, he determined to visit his retired home and make the necessary improvements to enjoy a better day. Consequently he conveyed the following lines to Ambulinia. Go tell the world that hope is glowing. Go bid the rocks their silence break. Go tell the stars that love is glowing. Then bid the hero his lover take. In the region where scarcely the foot of man has ever trod, where the wood man has not found his way, lies a blooming grove, seen only by the sun when he mounts his lofty throne, visited only by the light of the stars, to whom are entrusted the guardianship of earth, before the sun sinks to rest in his rosy bed. High cliffs of rocks surround the romantic place, and in the small cavity of the rocky wall grows the daffodil clear and pure, and as the wind blows along the enchanting little mountain, which surrounds the lonely spot, it nourishes the flowers with the dew drops of heaven. Here is the seat of Alfonso. Darkness claims but little victory over this dominion, and in vain does she spread out her gloomy wings. Here the waters flow perpetually, and the trees lash their tops together to bid the welcome visitor a happy muse. Alfonso, during his short stay in the country, had fully persuaded himself that it was his duty to bring this solemn matter to an issue. A duty that he individually owed as a gentleman to the parents of Ambulinia, a duty in itself involving not only his own happiness and his own standing in society, but one that called aloud the act of the parties to make it perfect and complete. How he should communicate his intentions to get a favorable reply, he was at a loss to know. He knew not whether to address Esquire Valir in prose or in poetry, in a jocular or an argumentative manner, or whether he should use moral suasion, legal injunction, or seizure and take-by reprisal, if it was to do the latter. He would have no difficulty in deciding in his own mind, but his gentlemanly honour was at stake, so he concluded to address the following letter to the father and mother of Ambulinia, as his address in person he knew would only aggravate the old gentleman and perhaps his lady. Coming, Georgia, January 22, 1844. Mr. and Mrs. Valir. Again I resume the pleasing task of addressing you, and once more beg an immediate answer to my many salutations. From every circumstance that has taken place, I feel in duty bound to comply with my obligations. To forfeit my word would be more than I dare do. To break my pledge and my vows that have been witnessed, sealed, and delivered in the presence of an unseen deity would be disgraceful on my part, as well as ruinous to Ambulinia. I wish no longer to be kept in suspense about this matter. I wish to act gentlemanly in every particular. It is true the promises I have made are unknown to any but Ambulinia, and I think it unnecessary to hear enumerate them, as they who promise the most generally perform the least. Can you for a moment doubt my sincerity or my character? My only wish is, sir, that you may calmly and dispassionately look at the situation of the case, and if your better judgment should dictate otherwise, my obligations may induce me to pluck the flower that you so diametrically opposed. We have sworn by the saints, by the gods of battle, and by that faith whereby just men are made perfect, to be united. I hope, my dear sir, you will find it convenient as well as agreeable to give me a favourable answer, with the signature of Mrs. Valiar, as well as yourself, with very great esteem, your humble servant, J. I. Alfonso. The moon and stars had grown pale when Ambulinia had retired to rest. A crowd of unpleasant thoughts passed through her bosom. Solitude dwelt in her chamber. No sound from the neighbouring world penetrated its stillness. It appeared a temple of silence, of repose, and of mystery. At that moment she heard a still voice calling her father. In an instant, like the flash of lightning, a thought round through her mind that it must be the bearer of Alfonso's communication. It is not a dream, she said. No, I cannot read dreams. Oh, I would to heaven I was near that glowing eloquence, that political language. It charms the mind in an inexpressible manner, and warms the coldest heart. While consoling herself with this strain, her father rushed into her room almost frantic with rage, exclaiming, Oh! Ambulinia! Ambulinia! Undutiful, ungrateful daughter! What does this mean? Why does this letter bear such heart-rending intelligence? Will you quit a father's house with this debased wretch, without a place to lay his distracted head, going up and down in the country, with every novel object that may chance to wander through this region? He is a pretty man to make love known to his superiors, and you, Ambulinia, have done but little credit to yourself by honouring his visits. Oh! wretchedness! Can it be that my hopes of happiness are forever blasted? Will you not listen to a father's entreaties, and pay some regard to a mother's tears? I know, and I do pray that God will give me fortitude to bear with the sea of troubles, and rescue my daughter, my Ambulinia, as a brand from the eternal burning. Forgive me, Father, oh! forgive thy child! replied Ambulinia. My heart is ready to break, when I see you in this grieved state of agitation. Oh! think not so meanly of me, as that I mourn for my own danger. Father, I am only woman. Mother, I am only the temperament of thy youthful years, but will suffer courageously whatever punishment you think proper to inflict upon me. If you will but allow me to comply with my most sacred promises. If you will but give me my personal right, and my personal liberty. Oh! Father, if your generosity will but give me these, I ask nothing more. When Alfonso offered me his heart, I gave him my hand never to forsake him, and now may the mighty God banish me before I leave him in adversity. What a heart must I have to rejoice in prosperity with him whose offers I have accepted, and then when poverty comes, haggard as it may be, for me to trifle with the oracles of heaven, and change with every fluctuation that may interrupt our happiness, like the politician who runs the political gauntlet for office one day, and the next, because the horizon is darkened a little, he is seen running for his life, for fear he might perish in its ruins. Where is the philosophy? Where is the consistency? Where is the charity in conduct like this? Be happy then, my beloved Father, and forget me. Let the sorrow of parting break down the wall of separation, and make us equal in our feeling. Let me now say how ardently I love you. Let me kiss that age-worn cheek, and should my tears be due thy face, I will wipe them away. Oh! I never can forget you. No, never, never— Weep not, said the Father, Ambulinia. I will forbid Alfonso my house, and desire that you may keep retired a few days. I will let him know that my friendship for my family is not linked together by cankered chains, and if he ever enters upon my premises again, I will send him to his long home. Oh, Father, let me entreat you to be calm upon this occasion, and though Alfonso may be the sport of the clouds and winds, yet I feel assured that no fate will send him to the silent tomb until the God of the universe calls him hence with a triumphant voice. Here the Father turned away, exclaiming, I will answer his letter in a very few words, and you, madam, will have the goodness to stay at home with your mother, and remember, I am determined to protect you from the consuming fire that looks so fair to your view. Coming January 22, 1844 Sir, in regard to your request, I am as I ever have been utterly opposed to your marrying into my family, and if you have any regard for yourself or any gentlemanly feeling, I hope you will mention it to me no more, but seek some other one who is not so far superior to you in standing—W. W. Valir. When Alfonso read the above letter, he became so much depressed in spirits that many of his friends thought it advisable to use other means to bring about the happy union. Strange, said he, that the contents of this diminutive letter should cause me to have such depressed feelings. But there is a nobler theme than this. I know not why my military title is not as great as that of Squire Valir. For my life I cannot see that my ancestors are inferior to those who are so bitterly opposed to my marriage with Ambulinia. I know I have seen huge mountains before me, yet when I think that I know gentlemen will insult me upon this delicate matter, should I become angry at fools and babblers who pride themselves in their impudence and ignorance? No, my equals. I know not where to find them. My inferiors, I think it beneath me, and my superiors, I think it presumption. Therefore, if this youthful heart is protected by any of these divine rites, I never will betray my trust. He was aware that Ambulinia had a confidence that was indeed as firm and as resolute as she was beautiful and interesting. He hastened to the cottage of Luisa, who received him in her usual mode of pleasantness, and informed him that Ambulinia had just that moment left. Is it possible? said Alfonso. Oh, murdered hours! Why did she not remain and be the guardian of my secrets? But hasten and tell me how she has stood this trying scene, and what are her future determinations? You know, said Luisa, Major Alfonso that you have Ambulinia's first love which is of no small consequence. She came here about twilight and shed many precious tears in consequence of her own fate with yours. We walked silently in yarn little valley, you see, where we spent a momentary repose. She seemed to be quite as determined as ever, and before we left that beautiful spot, she offered up a prayer to heaven for thee. I will see her, then, replied Alfonso, though legions of enemies may oppose. She is mine by foreordination. She is mine by prophecy. She is mine by her own free will, and I will rescue her from the hands of her oppressors. Will you not, Miss Luisa, assist me in my capture? I will certainly, by the aid of divine providence, answered Luisa, endeavour to break those slavish chains that bind the richest of prizes. Though allow me, Major, to entreat you to use no harsh means on this important occasion, take a decided stand, and write freely to Ambulinia upon this subject, and I will see that no intervening cause hinders its passage to her. God alone will save a mourning people. Now is the day, and now is the hour to obey a command of such valuable worth. The Major felt himself grow stronger after the short interview with Luisa. He felt as if he could whip his weight in wildcats. He knew he was master of his own feelings, and could now write a letter that would bring this litigation to an issue. Coming January 24, 1844 Dear Ambulinia, we have now reached the most trying moment of our lives. We are pledged not to forsake our trust. We have waited for a favourable hour to come, thinking your friends would settle the matter agreeably among themselves, and finally be reconciled to our marriage. But as I have waited in vain, and looked in vain, I have determined in my own mind to make a proposition to you, though you may think it not in accord with your station, or compatible with your rank. Yet, sub hoc signo vincis, you know I cannot resume my visits in consequence of the utter hostility that your father has to me, therefore the consummation of our union will have to be sought for in a more sublime sphere. At the residence of a respectable friend of this village, you cannot have any scruples upon this mode of proceeding, if you will, but remember it emanates from one who loves you better than his own life, who is more than anxious to bid you welcome to a new and happy home. Your warmest associates say, come. The talented, the learned, the wise, and the experienced say, come. All these with their friends say, come. Viewing these with many other inducements, I flatter myself that you will come to the embraces of your Alfonso. For now is the time of your acceptance of the day of your liberation. You cannot be ignorant, Ambulinia, that thou art the desire of my heart. Its thoughts are too noble and too pure to conceal themselves from you. I shall wait for your answer to this impatiently, expecting that you will set the time to make your departure, and to be in readiness at a moment's warning to share the joys of a more preferable life. This will be handed to you by Louisa, who will take a pleasure in communicating anything to you that may relieve your dejected spirits, and will assure you that I now stand ready, willing, and waiting, to make good my vows. I am, dear Ambulinia, yours truly and forever, J.I. Alfonso. Louisa made it convenient to visit Mr. Valiers, though they did not suspect her in the least the bearer of love epistles. Consequently she was invited in the room to console Ambulinia, where they were left alone. Ambulinia was seated by a small table, her head resting on her hand, her brilliant eyes were bathed in tears. Louisa handed her the letter of Alfonso, when another spirit animated her features. The spirit of renewed confidence that never fails to strengthen the female character in an hour of grief and sorrow like this, and as she pronounced the last accent of his name, she exclaimed, And does he love me yet? I never will forget your generosity, Louisa. O unhappy and yet blessed Louisa, may you never feel what I have felt, may you never know the pangs of love. Had I never loved, I never would have been unhappy. But I turn to him who can save, and if his wisdom does not will my expected union, I know he will give me strength to bear my lot. Amuse yourself with this little book, and take it as an apology for my silence, said Ambulinia, while I attempt to answer this volume of consolation. Thank you, said Louisa. You are excusable upon this occasion, but I pray you, Ambulinia, to be expert upon this momentous subject that there may be nothing mistrustful upon my part. I will, said Ambulinia, and immediately resumed her seat and addressed the following to Alfonso. Coming, Georgia, January 28, 1844. Devoted Alfonso, I hail your letter as a welcome messenger of faith, and can now say truly and firmly that my feelings correspond with yours. Nothing shall be wanting on my part to make my obedience your fidelity. Courage and perseverance will accomplish success. Receive this as my oath, that while I grasp your hand in my own imagination, we stand united before a higher tribunal than any on earth. All the powers of my life, soul, and body I devote to thee. Whatever dangers may threaten me, I fear not to encounter them. Perhaps I have determined upon my own destruction by leaving the house of the best of parents. Be it so, I flee to you, I share your destiny, faithful to the end. The day that I have concluded upon for this task is Sabbath next, when the family with the citizens are generally at church. For heaven's sake, let not that day pass unimproved. Trust not till tomorrow it is the cheat of life, the future that never comes, the grave of many noble births, the cavern of ruined enterprise, which, like the lightning's flash, is borne and dies and perishes, ere the voice of him who sees can cry, Behold, behold! You may trust to what I say. No power shall tempt me to betray confidence. Suffer me to add one word more. I will soothe thee in all thy grief beside the gloomy river, and though thy love may yet be brief, mine is fixed for ever. Receive the deepest emotions of my heart for thy constant love, and may the power of inspiration be thy guide, thy portion, and thy all. In great haste, yours faithfully, Ambulinia. I now take my leave of you, sweet girl," said Louisa, sincerely wishing you success on Sabbath next. When Ambulinia's letter was handed to Alfonso, he perused it without doubting its contents. Louisa charged him to make but few confidants, but like most young men who happen to win the heart of a beautiful girl, he was so elated with the idea that he felt as a commanding general on parade who had confidence in all, consequently gave orders to all. The appointed Sabbath, with a delicious breeze and cloudless sky, made its appearance. The people gathered in crowds to the church. The streets were filled with neighboring citizens, all marching to the house of worship. It is entirely useless for me to attempt to describe the feelings of Alfonso and Ambulinia, who were silently watching the movements of the multitude, apparently counting them as they entered the house of God, looking for the last one to darken the door. The impatience and anxiety with which they waited and the bliss they anticipated on the eventful day is all together indescribable. Those that have been so fortunate as to embark in such a noble enterprise know all its realities, and those who have not had this inestimable privilege will have to taste its sweets before they can tell to others its joys, its comforts, and its heaven-born worth. Immediately after Ambulinia had assisted the family off to church, she took advantage of that opportunity to make good her promises. She left a home of enjoyment to be wedded to one whose love had been justifiable. A few short steps brought her to the presence of Luisa, who urged her to make good use of her time and not to delay a moment, but to go with her to her brother's house where Alfonso would forever make her happy. With lively speed and yet a graceful air, she entered the door and found herself protected by the champion of her confidence. The necessary arrangements were fast-making to have the two lovers united. Everything was in readiness except the parson, and as they are generally very sanctimonious on such occasions, the news got to the parents of Ambulinia before the everlasting knot was tied, and they both came running with uplifted hands and injured feelings to arrest their daughter from an unguarded and hasty resolution. Alfonso desired to maintain his ground, but Ambulinia thought it best for him to leave, to prepare for a greater contest. He accordingly obeyed, as it would have been a vain endeavour for him to have battled against a man who was armed with deadly weapons, and besides he could not resist the request of such a pure heart. Ambulinia concealed herself in the upper story of the house, fearing the rebuke of her father. The door was locked, and no chastisement was now expected. Esquire Valiere, whose pride was already touched, resolved to preserve the dignity of his family. He entered the house, almost exhausted, looking wildly for Ambulinia. Amazed and astonished indeed, I am, said he, at a people who call themselves civilised, to allow such behaviour as this. Ambulinia! Ambulinia! he cried. Come to the calls of your first, your best, and your only friend. I appeal to you, sir, turning to the gentleman of the house, to know where Ambulinia has gone, or where is she? Do you mean to insult me, sir, in my own house?" inquired the gentleman. "'I will burst,' said Mr. V., a sunder every door in your dwelling, in search of my daughter, if you do not speak quickly and tell me where she is. I care nothing about that outcast rubbish of creation, that mean, low-live delfonso, if I can but obtain Ambulinia. Are you not going to open this door?' said he. "'By the eternal that made heaven and earth. I will go about the work instantly if this is not done.' The confused citizens gathered from all parts of the village to know the cause of this commotion. Some rushed into the house. The door that was locked flew open, and there stood Ambulinia weeping. "'Father, be still,' said she, and I will follow the home.' But the agitated man seized her, and bore her off through the gazing multitude. "'Father,' she exclaimed, I humbly beg your pardon, I will be dutiful. I will obey thy commands. Let the sixteen years I have lived in obedience to thee be my future security. I don't like to be always giving credit when the old score is not paid up, madam,' said the father. The mother followed almost in a state of derangement, crying and imploring her to think beforehand and ask advice from experienced persons, and they would tell her it was a rash undertaking. "'Oh,' said she, Ambulinia, my daughter, did you know what I have suffered? Did you know how many nights I have wiled away in agony, in pain and in fear? You would pity the sorrows of a heartbroken mother!' "'Well, mother,' replied Ambulinia, I know I have been disobedient. I am aware that what I have done might have been done much better. But, oh, what shall I do with my honour? It is so dear to me. I am pledged to Alfonzo. His high moral worth is certainly worth some attention. Moreover, my vows, I have no doubt, are recorded in the Book of Life. And must I give these all up? Must my fair hopes be forever blasted? Forbid it, father! Oh, forbid it, mother! Forbid it, heaven! I have seen so many beautiful skies overclouded,' replied the mother, so many blossoms nipped by the frost that I am afraid to trust you to the care of those fair days, which may be interrupted by thundering and tempestuous nights. You no doubt think, as I did, life's devious ways were strewn with sweet-scented flowers, but, ah, how long they have lingered around me and took their flight in the vivid hope that laughs at the drooping victims it has murdered! Alfonzo was moved at this sight. The people followed on to see what was going to become of Ambulinia, while he, with downcast looks, kept at a distance, until he saw them enter the abode of the father, thrusting her, that was the sigh of his soul, out of his presence into a solitary apartment, when she exclaimed, Alfonzo! Alfonzo! Oh, Alfonzo, where art thou with all thy heroes? Haste! O haste, come thou to my relief! Ride on the wings of the wind! Turn thy force loose, like a tempest, and roll on thy army like a whirlwind over this mountain of trouble and confusion! O friends, if any pity me, let your last efforts throng upon the green hills, and come to the relief of Ambulinia, who is guilty of nothing but innocent love! Alfonzo called out with a loud voice, My God! Can I stand this? Rise up, I beseech you, and put an end to this tyranny! Come, my brave boys! said he. Are you ready to go forth to your duty? They stood around him. Who, said he, will call us to arms? Where are my thunderbolts of war? Speak ye, the first who will meet the foe. Who will go forward with me in this ocean of grievous temptation? If there is one who desires to go, let him come and shake hands upon the altar of devotion, and swear that he will be a hero, yes, a hector in a cause like this, which calls aloud for a speedy remedy. Mine be the deed, said a young lawyer, and mine alone. Venus alone shall quit her station before I will forsake one jot or title of my promise to you. What is death to me? What is all this war-like army if it is not to win a victory? I love the sleep of the lover and the mighty, nor would I give it over till the blood of my enemies should wreak with that of my own. But God forbid that our fame should soar on the blood of the slumberer! Mr. Valir stands at his door, with a frown of a demon upon his brow, with his dangerous weapon ready to strike the first man who should enter his door. Who will arise and go forward through blood and carnage to rescue my ambulinia? said Alfonso. All! exclaimed the multitude, and onward they went, with their implements of battle. Others of a more timid nature stood among the distant hills to see the result of the contest. Alfonso took the lead of his band. Night arose in clouds, darkness concealed the heavens, but the blazing hopes that stimulated them gleamed in every bosom. All approached the anxious spot. They rushed to the front of the house, and with one exclamation demanded ambulinia. Away! be gone! and disturb my peace no more! said Mr. Valir. You are a set of base, insolent, and infernal rascals. Go! the northern stars points your path through the dim twilight of the night. Go! and vent your spite upon the lonely hills. Pour forth your love, you poor, weak-minded wretch, upon your idleness, and upon your guitar and your fiddle. They are fit subjects for your admiration, for let me assure you, though this sword and iron lever are cankered, yet they frown in sleep, and let one of you dare to enter my house this night, and you shall have the contents and the weight of these instruments. Never yet did base dishonor blur my name, said Alfonso. Mine is a cause of renown. Here are my warriors, fear and tremble for this night, though hell itself should oppose. I will endeavor to avenge her, who thou hast banished in solitude. The voice of ambulinia shall be heard from that dark dungeon. At that moment ambulinia appeared at the window above, and with a tremulous voice said, Live, Alfonso! Oh! live to raise my stone of moss! Why should such language enter your heart? Why should thy voice rend the air with such agitation? I bid thee live, once more remembering these tears of mine, are shed alone for thee in this dark and gloomy vault, and should I perish under this load of trouble, join the song of thrilling accents with the raven above my grave, and lay this tattered frame beside the banks of the chatahoochee, or the stream of Sonny's brook, sweet will be the song of death to your ambulinia. My ghost shall visit you in the smiles of paradise, and tell your high fame to the minds of that region, which is far more preferable than this lonely cell. My heart shall speak for thee till the latest hour. I know faint and broken are the sounds of sorrow, yet our souls, Alfonso, shall hear the peaceful songs together. One bright name shall be ours on high, if we are not permitted to be united here. Bear in mind that I still cherish my old sentiments, and the poet will mingle the names of Alfonso and Ambulinia in the tide of other days. Fly, Alfonso, said the voices of his united band, to the wounded heart of your beloved. All enemies shall fall beneath thy sword. Fly through the clefts, and the dim spark shall sleep in death. Alfonso rushes forward, and strikes his shield against the door, which was barricaded, to prevent any intercourse. His brave sons throng around him, the people pour along the streets, both male and female, to prevent or witness the melancholy scene. To arms, to arms, cried Alfonso, here is a victory to be won, a prize to be gained that is more to me than the whole world beside. It cannot be done to-night, said Mr. Valiar. I bear the clang of death. My strength and armor shall prevail. My Ambulinia shall rest in this hall until the break of another day, and if we fall, we fall together. If we die, we die clinging to our tattered rites, and our blood alone shall tell the mournful tale of a murdered daughter and a ruined father. Sure enough he kept watch all night, and was successful in defending his house and family. The bright morning gleamed upon the hills, night vanished away. The Major and his associates felt somewhat ashamed that they had not been as fortunate as they expected to have been. However, they still leaned upon their arms in dispersed groups. Some were walking the streets, others were talking in the Major's behalf. Many of the citizens suspended business as the town presented nothing but consternation, a novelty that might end in the destruction of some worthy and respectable citizens. Mr. Valiar ventured in the streets, though not without being well armed. Some of his friends congratulated him on the decided stand he had taken, and hoped he would settle the matter amicably with Alfonso, without any serious injury. Me, he replied, what, me, condescend to fellowship with a coward and a low-lived, lazy, undermining villain? No, gentlemen, this cannot be. I had rather be borne off like the bubble upon the dark blue ocean with Ambulinia by my side than to have him in the ascending or descending line of relationship. Gentlemen, continued he, if Alfonso is so much of a distinguished character and is so learned in the fine arts, why do you not patronize such men? And why not introduce him into your families as a gentleman of taste and of unequaled magnanimity? Why are you so very anxious that he should become a relative of mine? Oh, gentlemen, I fear you yet are tainted with the curiosity of our first parents, who were beguiled by the poisonous kiss of an old ugly serpent, and who, for one apple, damned all mankind. I wish to divest myself as far as possible of that untutored custom. I have long since learned that the perfection of wisdom and the end of true philosophy is to proportion our wants to our possessions, our ambition to our capacities. We will then be a hobby and a virtuous people. Ambulinia was sent off to prepare for a long and tedious journey. Her new acquaintances had been instructed by her father how to treat her, and in what manner, and to keep the anticipated visit entirely secret. Alfonso was watching the movements of everybody. Some friends had told him of the plot that was laid to carry off Ambulinia. At night he rallied some two or three of his forces and went silently along to the stately mansion. A faint and glimmering light showed through the windows. Lightly he steps to the door. There were many voices rallying fresh in fancy's eye. He tapped the shutter. It was opened instantly, and he beheld once more, seated beside several ladies, the hope of all his toils. He rushed toward her. She rose from her seat, rejoicing. He made one mighty grasp when Ambulinia exclaimed, Huzzah! for Major Alfonso! I will defend myself and you too, with this conquering instrument I hold in my hand. Huzzah! I say! I now invoke time's broad wing to shed around us some dew-drops of verdant spring. But the hour had not come for this joyous reunion. Her friends struggled with Alfonso for some time, and finally succeeded in arresting her from his hands. He dared not injure them, because they were matrons whose courage needed no spur. She was snatched from the arms of Alfonso with so much eagerness, and yet with such expressive signification, that he calmly withdrew from this lovely enterprise with an ardent hope that he should be lulled to repose by the zeffers which whispered peace to his soul. Several long days and nights passed unmolested, all seemed to have grounded their arms of rebellion, and no calatity appeared to be going on with any of the parties. Other arrangements were made by Ambulinia. She feigned herself to be entirely the votary of a mother's care, and she, by her graceful smiles, that manhood might claim his term dominion in some other region, where such boisterous love was not so prevalent. This gave the parents a confidence that yielded some hours of sober joy. They believed that Ambulinia would now cease to love Alfonso, and that her stolen affections would now expire with her misguided opinions. They therefore declined the idea of sending her to a distant land. But oh! they dreamed not of the rapture that dazzled the fancy of Ambulinia, who would say, when alone, youth should not fly away on his rosy opinions, and leave her to grapple in the conflict with unknown admirers. No frowning age shall control the constant current of my soul, nor a tear from pity's eye shall check my sympathetic sigh. With this resolution fixed in her mind, one dark and dreary night, when the winds whistled and the tempest roared, she received intelligence that Alfonso was then waiting, and every preparation was then ready at the residence of Dr. Tully, and for her to make a quick escape while the family was reposing. Accordingly, she gathered her books, went to the wardrobe supplied with a variety of ornamental dressing, and ventured alone in the streets to make her way to Alfonso, who was near at hand, impatiently looking and watching her arrival. What forms, said she, are those rising before me? What is that dark spot on the clouds? I do wonder what frightful ghost that is gleaming on the red tempest. O be merciful and tell me what region you are from. O tell me ye strong spirits, or ye dark and fleeting clouds, that I yet have a friend? A friend! said a low whispering voice. I am thy unchanging, thy aged, and thy disappointed mother. Why brandish in that hand of thine a javelin of pointed steel? Why suffer that lip I have kissed a thousand times to equivocate? My daughter, let these tears sink deep into thy soul, and no longer persist in that which may be your destruction and ruin. Come, my dear child, retract your steps and bear me company to your welcome home. Without one retorting word or frown from her brow, she yielded to the entreaties of her mother, and with all the mildness of her former character she went along with a silver lamp of age, to the home of candor and benevolence. Her father received her cold and formal politeness. Where has Ambulinia been, this blustering evening, Mrs. Valere? inquired he. Oh, she and I have been taking a solitary walk, said the mother. All things I presume are now working for the best. Alfonso heard this news shortly after it happened. What! said he, has heaven and earth turned against me? I have been disappointed times without number. Shall I despair? Must I give it over? Heaven's decrees will not fade. I will write again. I will try again, and if it traverses a gory field, I pray forgiveness at the altar of justice. Desolate hill, coming. Georgia, 1844. Unconquered and beloved Ambulinia, I have only time to say to you not to despair. Thy fame shall not perish. My visions are brightening before me. The world winds rage is past, and we now shall subdue our enemies without doubt. On Monday morning, when your friends are at breakfast, they will not suspect your departure or even mistrust me being in town, as it has been reported advantageously that I have left for the West. You walk carelessly toward the Academy Grove, where you will find me with a lightning-steed elegantly equipped to bear you off where we shall be joined in wedlock with the first cannubial rites. Fail not to do this. Think not of the tedious relations of our wrongs. Be invincible. You alone occupy all my ambition, and I alone will make you my happy spouse with the same unimpeached veracity. I remain, for ever, your devoted friend and admirer, J. L. Alfonso. The appointed day ushered in undisturbed by any clouds, nothing disturbed Ambulinia's soft beauty. With serenity and loveliness she obeys the request of Alfonso. The moment the family seated themselves at the table, excuse my absence for a short time, said she, while I attend to the placing of those flowers which should have been done a week ago. And away she ran to the sacred grove, surrounded with glittering pearls that indicated her coming. Alfonso hails her with his silver bow and his golden harp. They meet, Ambulinia's countenance brightens. Alfonso leads up his winged steed. Mount, said he, ye true hearted, ye fearless soul, the day is ours. She sprang upon the back of the young thunderbolt. A brilliant star sparkled upon her head, with one hand she grasps the reins, and with the other she holds an olive branch. Lend thy aid ye strong winds, they exclaimed, ye moon, ye sun, and all ye fair host of heaven witness the enemy conquered. Hold, said Alfonso, thy dashing steed. Ride on, said Ambulinia, the voice of thunder is behind us. And onward they went, with such rapidity, that they were very soon arrived at rural retreat, where they dismounted, and were united with all the solemnities that usually attend such divine operations. They passed the day in thanksgiving and great rejoicing, and on that evening they visited their uncle, where many of their friends and acquaintances had gathered to congratulate them in the field of untainted bliss. The kind old gentleman met them in the yard. Well, he said he, I wish I may die, Alfonso, if you and Ambulinia haven't tied a knot with your tongue that you can't untie with your teeth. But come in, come in, never mind, all is right. The world still moves on, and no one has fallen in this great battle. Happy now is their lot. Unmoved by misfortune, they live among the fair beauties of the south. Heaven spreads their peace and fame upon the arch of the rainbow, and smiles propitiously at their triumph through the tears of the storm. End of Section 18 This is Section 19 of the $30,000 Bequest and Other Stories by Mark Twain. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. The Californian's Tale by Mark Twain Thirty-five years ago I was out prospecting on the Stannis Loss, tramping all day long with pick and pan and horn, and washing a hat full of dirt here and there, always expecting to make a rich strike, and never doing it. It was a lovely region, woodsy, balmy, delicious, and had once been populous long years before, but now the people had vanished and the charming paradise was a solitude. They went away when the surface diggings gave out. In one place were a busy little city with banks and newspapers and fire-companies, and a mayor and alderman had been. Was nothing but a wide expanse of emerald turf, with not even the faintest sign that human life had ever been present there. This was down toward Tuttle Town. In the country neighborhood thereabouts, along the dusty roads, one found at intervals the prettiest little cottage homes, snug and cozy, and so cobbed-wed with vines snowed thick with roses that the doors and windows were wholly hidden from sight. Signed that these were deserted homes, forsaken years ago by defeated and disappointed families who could neither sell them nor give them away. Now and then, half an hour apart, one came across solitary log cabins of the earliest mining days, built by the first gold miners, the predecessors of the cottage builders. In some few cases these cabins were still occupied. But when this was so, you could depend upon it that the occupant was the very pioneer who had built the cabin, and you could depend on another thing, too, that he was there, because he had once had his opportunity to go home to the state's rich, and had not done it, had rather lost his wealth, and had then, in his humiliation, resolved to sever all communication with his home relatives and friends, and be to them thenceforth as one dead. Round about California in that day were scattered a host of these living dead men, pride, smitten poor fellows, grizzled and old at forty, whose secret thoughts were made all of regrets and longings, regrets for their wasted lives, and longings to be out of the struggle and done with it all. It was a lonesome land, not a sound in all those peaceful expanses of grass and woods but the drowsy hum of insects, no glimpse of man or beast, nothing to keep up your spirits and make you glad to be alive. And so at last, in the early part of the afternoon, when I caught sight of a human creature, I felt a most grateful uplift. This person was a man about forty-five years old, and he was standing at the gate of one of those cozy little rose-clad cottages of the sort already referred to. However, this one hadn't a deserted look. It had the look of being lived in and petted and cared for and looked after, and so had its front yard, which was a garden of flowers, abundant, gay and flourishing. I was invited in, of course, and required to make myself at home. It was the custom of the country. It was delightful to be in such a place, after long weeks of daily and nightly familiarity with miners' cabins, with all which this implies of dirt floor, never-made beds, tin plates and cups, bacon and beans and black coffee, and nothing of ornament but war pictures from the eastern illustrated papers tacked to the log-walls. That was all hard, cheerless, materialistic desolation, but here was a nest which had aspects to rest the tired eye and refresh that something in one's nature which, after long fasting, recognizes, when confronted by the belongings of art, how so ever cheap and modest they may be, that it has unconsciously been famishing and now has found nourishment. I could not have believed that a rag carpet could feast me so, and so content me, or that there could be such solace to the soul in wallpaper and framed lithographs and bright-colored tidies and lamp-mats and Windsor chairs and varnished what-nots with seashells and books and China gazes on them, and the score of little unclassifiable tricks and touches that a woman's hand distributes about home which one sees without knowing he sees them yet would miss in a moment if they were taken away. The delight that was in my heart showed in my face, and the man saw it and was pleased, saw it so plainly that he answered it as if it had been spoken. All her work, he said, caressingly, she did it all herself every bit, and he took the room in with a glance which was full of affectionate worship. One of those soft Japanese fabrics with which women drape with careful negligence the upper part of a picture frame was out of adjustment, he noticed it and rearranged it with cautious pains, stepping back several times to gauge the effect before he got it to suit him. Then he gave it a light finishing pat her to with his hand and said, She always does that. You can't tell just what it lacks, but it does lack something until you've done that. You can see it yourself after it's done, but that is all you know. You can't find out the law of it. It's like the finishing pat some mother gives the child's hair after she's got it combed and brushed, I reckon. I've seen her fix all these things so much that I can do them all just her way, though I don't know the law of any of them. But she knows the law. She knows the why and the how both. But I don't know the why. I only know the how. He took me into a bedroom so that I might wash my hands, such a bedroom as I had not seen for years. White counterpane, white pillows, carpeted floor, papered walls, pictures, dressing table with mirror and pin cushion and dainted toilet things, and in the corner a wash stand, with reel, chinaware bowl, and pitcher, and with soap in a china dish, and on a rack more than a dozen towels, towels too clean and white for one out of practice to use without some vague sense of profanation. So my face spoke again, and he answered with gratified words, All her work, she did it all herself every bit, nothing here that hasn't felt the touch of her hand. Now you would think, but I mustn't talk so much. By this time I was wiping my hands and glancing from detail to detail of the room's belongings as one is apt to do when he is in a new place, where everything he sees is a comfort to his eye and his spirit. And I became conscious in one of those unaccountable ways, you know, that there was something there, somewhere, that the man wanted me to discover for myself. I knew it perfectly, and I knew he was trying to help me by furtive indications with his eye, so I tried hard to get on the right track being eager to gratify him. I failed several times, as I could see out of the corner of my eye without being told, but at last I knew I must be looking straight at the thing, knew it from the pleasure issuing in invisible waves from him. He broke into a happy laugh and rubbed his hands together and cried out, That's it, you found it, I knew you would. It's her picture. I went to the little black walnut bracket on the farther wall and did find there what I had not yet noticed, a daguerreotype case. It contained the sweetest girlish face and the most beautiful, as it seemed to me, that I had ever seen. The man drank the admiration from my face and was fully satisfied. Nineteen her last birthday, he said, as he put the picture back, and that was the day we were married. When you see her, just wait till you see her. Where is she? When will she be in? Oh, she's away now. She's gone to see her people. They live forty or fifty miles from here. She's been gone two weeks today. When do you expect her back? This is Wednesday. She'll be back Saturday in the evening, about nine o'clock likely. I felt a sharp sense of disappointment. I'm sorry, because I'll be gone then, I said regretfully. Gone? No. Why should you go? Don't go. She'll be disappointed. She would be disappointed, that beautiful creature. If she had said the words herself, they could hardly have blessed me more. I was feeling a deep, strong longing to see her, a longing so supplicating, so insistent, that it made me afraid. I said to myself, I will go straight away from this place for my peace of mind's sake. You see, she likes to have people come and stop with us, people who know things and can talk, people like you. She delights in it. For she knows, well, she knows nearly everything herself, and can talk, oh, like a bird. And the book she reads, why, you would be astonished. Don't go. It's only a little while, you know, and she'll be so disappointed. I heard the words, but hardly noticed them. I was so deep in my thinking's and struggling's. He left me, but I didn't know. Presently he was back with a picture case in his hand, and he held it open before me, and said, there, now tell her to her face. You could have stayed to see her, and you wouldn't. That second glimpse broke down my good resolution. I would stay and take the risk. That night we smoked the tranquil pipe, and talked till late about various things, but mainly about her, and certainly I had had no such pleasant and restful time for many a day. The Thursday followed and slipped comfortably away, toward twilight a big miner from three miles away came, one of the grizzled, stranded pioneers, and gave us warm salutation, clothed in grave and sober speech. Then he said, I only just dropped over to ask about the little madam, and when is she coming home? Any news from her? Oh, yes, a letter. Would you like to hear it, Tom? Well, I should think I would, if you don't mind, Henry. Henry got the letter out of his wallet, and said he would skip some of the private phrases, if we were willing. And then he went on and read the bulk of it, a loving sedate and altogether charming and gracious piece of handiwork, with a postscript full of affectionate regards and messages to Tom, and Joe, and Charlie, and other close friends and neighbors. As the reader finished, he glanced at Tom, and cried out, Oh, you're at it again. Take your hands away and let me see your eyes. You always do that when I read a letter from her. I will write and tell her. Oh, no, you mustn't, Henry. I'm getting old, you know, and any little disappointment makes me want to cry. I thought she'd be here herself, and now you've got only a letter. Well, now, what put that in your head? I thought everybody knew she wasn't coming till Saturday. Saturday? Come to think of it, I did know it. I wonder what's the matter with me lately. Certainly I knew it. Ain't we all getting ready for her? Well, I must be going now, but I'll be on hand when she comes, old man. Late Friday afternoon another gray veteran trapped over from his cabin a mile or so away, and said the boys wanted to have a little deity in a good time Saturday night, if Henry thought she wouldn't be too tired after her journey to be kept up. Tired? She tired. Oh, here the man! Joe, you know she'd sit up six weeks to please any of you. When Joe heard that there was a letter, he asked to have it read, and the loving messages in it for him broke the old fellow all up. But he said he was such an old wreck that that would happen to him if she only just mentioned his name. Lord, we miss her so! he said. Saturday afternoon I found I was taking out my watch pretty often. Henry noticed it and said, with a startled look, you don't think she ought to be here soon, do you? I felt caught and a little embarrassed. But I laughed and said it was a habit of mine when I was in a state of expectancy. But he didn't seem quite satisfied, and from that time on he began to show uneasiness. Four times he walked me up the road to a point once we could see a long distance, and there he would stand, shading his eyes with his hand and looking. Several times he said, I'm getting worried. I'm getting right down worried. I know she's not due till about nine o'clock, and yet something seems to be trying to warn me that something's happened. You don't think anything has happened, do you? I began to get pretty thoroughly ashamed of him for his childishness, and at last, when he repeated that imploring question still another time, I lost my patience for the moment and spoke pretty brutally to him. It seemed to shrivel him up and cow him, and he looked so wounded and so humble after that that I detested myself for having done the cruel and unnecessary thing. And so I was glad when Charlie, another veteran, arrived toward the edge of the evening and nestled up to Henry to hear the letter read and talked over the preparations for the welcome. Charlie fetched out one hearty speech after another, and it is best to drive away his friend's boatings and apprehensions. Anything happened to her? Henry, that's pure nonsense! There isn't anything going to happen to her. Just make your mind easiest to that. What did the letter say? Said she was well, didn't it? And said she'd be here by nine o'clock, didn't it? Did you ever know her to fail of her word? Why, you know you never did. Well then, don't you fret. She'll be here, and that's absolutely certain, and as sure as you were born. Come now, let's get to decorating. Not much time left. Pretty soon Tom and Joe arrived, and then all hands set about adorning the house with flowers. Toward nine the three miners said that as they had brought their instruments they might as well tune up, for the boys and girls would soon be arriving now, and hungry for a good old-fashioned breakdown. A fiddle, a banjo, and a clarinet—these were the instruments. The trio took their places side by side and began to play some rattling dance music, and beat time with their big boots. It was getting very close to nine. Henry was standing in the door with his eyes directed up the road, his body swaying to the torture of his mental distress. He had been made to drink his wife's health and safety several times, and now Tom shouted, All hands stand by! One more drink, and she's here. Joe brought the glasses on a waiter and served the party. I reached for one of the two remaining glasses, but Joe growled under his breath. Drop that! Take the other! Which I did. Henry was served last. He had hardly swallowed his drink when the clock began to strike. He listened till it finished, his face growing pale and paler. Then he said, Boys! I'm sick with fear! Help me! I want to lie down! They helped him to the sofa. He began to nestle and drowse, and presently spoke like one talking in his sleep, and said, Did I hear horses' feet? Have they come? One of the veterans answered, close to his ear, It was Jimmy Parish come to say the party got delayed. But they're right up the road apiece, and coming along. Her horses lame, but she'll be here in half an hour. Oh, I'm so thankful nothing has happened! He was asleep almost before the words were out of his mouth. In a moment those handymen had his clothes off, and had tucked him into his bed in the chamber where I had washed my hands. They closed the door and came back. Then they seemed preparing to leave. But I said, Please don't go, gentlemen. She won't know me, I am a stranger. They glanced at each other. Then Joe said, She? Poor thing. She's been dead nineteen years. Dead? That or worse. She went to see her folks half a year after she was married, and on her way back on a Saturday evening the Indians captured her within five miles of this place, and she's never been heard of since. And he lost his mind and consequence? Never has been sane an hour since. But he only gets bad when that time of year comes round. Then we begin to drop in here three days before she's due to encourage him up and ask if he's heard from her. And Saturday we all come and fix up the house with flowers and get everything ready for a dance. We've done it every year for nineteen years. The first Saturday there was twenty-seven of us without counting the girls. There's only three of us now, and the girls are all gone. We drug him to sleep, or he would go wild. Then he's all right for another year. Think she's with him till the last three or four days come round. Then he begins to look for her, and gets out his poor old letter, and we come and ask him to read it to us. Lord, she was a darling. End of The Californian's Tale This is section 20 of the $30,000 request and other stories by Mark Twain. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. A Helpless Situation Once or twice a year I get a letter of a certain pattern, a pattern that never materially changes in form and substance, yet I cannot get used to that letter. It always astonishes me. It affects me as the locomotive always affects me. I say to myself, I have seen you a thousand times. You always look the same way, yet you are always a wonder, and you are always impossible. To contrive you is clearly beyond human genius. You can't exist. You don't exist. Yet here you are. I have a letter of that kind by me, a very old one. I yearn to print it, and where is the harm? The writer of it is dead years ago, no doubt, and if I conceal her name and address—her, this world address—I am sure her shade will not mind. And with it I wish to print the answer, which I wrote at the time, but probably did not send. If it went, which is not likely, it went in the form of a copy, for I find the original still here pigeon-holed with the said letter. To that kind of letters we all write answers, which we do not send, fearing to hurt where we have no desire to hurt. I have done it many a time, and this is doubtless a case of the sort. THE LETTER X California June 3, 1879 Mr. S. L. Clemens Hartford, Connecticut Dear sir, you will doubtless be surprised to know who has presumed to write and ask a favor of you. Let your memory go back to your days in the humbled mind 6263. You will remember you and Claggett and Oliver and the old blacksmith T. Lou lived in a lean-to, which was halfway up the gulch, and there were six log cabins in the camp, strong pretty well separated up the gulch, from its mouth at the desert, to where the last claim was at the divide. The lean-to you lived in was the one with the canvas roof that the cow fell down through one night, as told about by you in roughing it, my uncle Simmons remembers it very well. He lived in the principal cabin halfway up the divide, along with Dixon and Parker and Smith. It had two rooms, one for kitchen and the other for bunks, and was the only one that had. You and your party were there on the great night, the time they had dried apple pie. Uncle Simmons often speaks of it. It seems curious that dried apple pie should have seemed such a great thing, but it was, and it shows how far humbled was out of the world and difficult to get to, and how slim the regular bill of fare was. Sixteen years ago—it is a long time—I was a little girl then, only fourteen. I never saw you, I lived in Washoo. But Uncle Simmons ran across you every now and then, all during those weeks that you and party were there working your claim, which was like the rest. The camp played out long and long ago. There wasn't silver enough in it to make a button. You never saw my husband, but he was there after you left, and lived in that very lean-to. A bachelor then, but married to me now. He often wishes there had been a photographer there in those days. He would have taken the lean-to. He got hurt in the old Hal Clayton claim that was abandoned like the others, putting in a blast and not climbing out quick enough, though he scrambled the best he could. It landed him clear down on the trail and hit a piute. For weeks they thought he would not get over it, but he did, and is all right now. Has been ever since. This is a long introduction, but it is the only way I can make myself known. The favour I ask, I feel assured your generous heart will grant. Give me some advice about a book I have written. I do not claim anything for it, only it is mostly true and as interesting as most of the books of the times. I am unknown in the literary world, and you know what that means unless one has someone of influence, like yourself, to help you by speaking a good word for you. I would like to place the book on royalty basis plan, with anyone you would suggest. This is a secret from my husband and family. I intended as a surprise in case I get it published. Feeling you will take an interest in this, and if possible, write me a letter to some publisher or better still, if you could see them for me, and then let me hear. I appeal to you to grant me this favour. With deepest gratitude I thank you for your attention. One knows, without inquiring, that the twin of that embarrassing letter is forever and ever flying in this and that and the other direction, across the continent, in the males, daily, nightly, hourly, unceasingly, unrestingly. It goes to every well-known merchant and railway official, and manufacturer, and capitalist, and mayor, and congressman and governor, and editor, and publisher, and author, and broker, in a word, to every person who is supposed to have influence. It always follows the one pattern. You do not know me, but you once knew a relative of mine, etc., etc. We should all like to help the applicants. We should all be glad to do it. We should all like to return the sort of answer that is desired. But, well, there is not a thing we can do that would be a help. For not in any instance does that letter ever come from anyone who can be helped. The struggler whom you could help does his own helping. It would not occur to him to apply to you, stranger. He has talent and knows it, and he goes into his fight eagerly and with energy and determination, all alone, preferring to be alone. That pathetic letter which comes to you from the incapable, the unhelpable, how do you, who are familiar with it, answer it? What do you find to say? You do not want to inflict a wound. You hunt ways to avoid that. What do you find? How do you get out of your hard place with a contented conscience? Do you try to explain? The old reply of mine to such a letter shows that I tried that once. Was I satisfied with the result? Possibly. And possibly not. Probably not. Almost certainly not. I have long ago forgotten all about it. But anyway, I append my effort. The reply. I know Mr. H., and I will go to him, dear madam, if upon reflection you find you still desire it. There will be a conversation. I know the form it will take. It will be like this. Mr. H., how do her books strike you? Mr. Clemens, I am not acquainted with them. H., who has been her publisher? See, I don't know. H., she has one, I suppose. See, I, I think not. H., ah, you think this is her first book? See, yes, I suppose so. I think so. H., what is it about? What is the character of it? See, I believe I do not know. H., have you seen it? See, well, no, I haven't. H., ah, how long have you known her? See, I don't know her. H., don't know her? See, no. H., ah, how did you come to be interested in her book, then? See, well, she wrote and asked me to find a publisher for her, and mentioned you. H., why should she apply to you instead of me? See, she wished me to use my influence. H., dear me, what has influence to do with such a matter? See, well, I think she thought you would be more likely to examine her book if you were influenced. H., why, what we are here for is to examine books, anybody's book, that comes along. It's our business. Why should we turn away a book on examine because it's a strangers? It would be foolish. No publisher does it. On what ground did she request your influence since you do not know her? She must have thought you knew her literature and could speak for it. Is that it? See, no, she knew I didn't. H., well, what then? She had a reason of some sort for believing you competent to recommend her literature and also under obligations to do it? See, yes, I knew her uncle. H., knew her uncle? See, yes, H., upon my word. So you knew her uncle. Her uncle knows her literature. He endorses it to you. The chain is complete. Nothing further needed. You are satisfied, and therefore— See, no, that isn't all. There are other ties. I know the cabin her uncle lived in, in the mines. I knew his partners too. Also, I came near knowing her husband before she married him, and I did know the abandoned shaft where a premature blast went off, and he went flying through the air and clear down to the trail and hit an Indian in the back with almost fatal consequences. H., to him or to the Indian? See, she didn't say which it was. H., with a sigh. It certainly beats the band. You don't know her. You don't know her literature. You don't know who got hurt when the blast went off. You don't know a single thing for us to build an estimate of her book upon. So far as I— See, I knew her uncle. You are forgetting her uncle. H., oh, what use is he? Did you know him long? How long was it? See, well, I don't know that I really knew him, but I must have met him anyway. I think it was that way. You can't tell about these things, you know, except when they are recent. H., recent? When was all this? See, 16 years ago. H., what a basis to judge a book upon. At first you said you knew him, and now you don't know whether you did or not. See, oh yes, I know him. Anyway, I think I thought I did. I'm perfectly certain of it. H., what makes you think you thought you knew him? See, why, she says I did herself. H., she says so. See, yes, she does. And I did know him too, though I don't remember it now. H., come. How can you know it when you don't remember it? See, I don't know. That is, I don't know the process, but I do know lots of things that I don't remember, and remember lots of things that I don't know. It's so with every educated person. H., after a pause. Is your time valuable? See, no. Well, not very. H., mine is. So I came away then, because he was looking tired. Overwork, I reckon. I never do that. I have seen the evil effects of it. My mother was always afraid I would overwork myself, but I never did. Dear Madam, you see how it would happen if I went there. He would ask me those questions, and I would try to answer them to suit him. And he would hunt me the here and there and yonder, and get me embarrassed more and more all the time, and at last he would look tired on account of overwork. And there it would end, and nothing done. I wish I could be useful to you, but you see, they do not care for uncles or any of those things. It doesn't move them. It doesn't have the least effect. They don't care for anything but the literature itself, and they, as good as despise, influence. But they do care for books, and are eager to get them and examine them, no matter whence they come, nor from whose pen. If you will send yours to a publisher, any publisher, he will certainly examine it. I can assure you of that. End of Section 20. This is Section 21 of the $30,000 Bequest and Other Stories by Mark Twain. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. A Telephonic Conversation Consider that a conversation by telephone, when you are simply sitting by and not taking any part in that conversation, is one of the solemnest curiosities of modern life. Yesterday I was writing a deep article on a sublime philosophical subject, while such a conversation was going on in the room. I noticed that one can always write best when somebody is talking through a telephone close by. Well, the thing began in this way. A member of our household came in and asked me to have our house put into communication with Mr. Bagley's downtown. I have observed in many cities that the sex always shrink from calling up the central office themselves. I don't know why, but they do. So I touched the bell, and this talk ensued. Central office, gruffly. Hello. Hi. Is this the central office? C-O. Of course it is. What do you want? Hi. Will you switch me on to the Bagley's, please? C-O. All right, just keep your ear to the telephone. Then I heard a kalook, kalook, kalook, kalook, kalook, kalook, kalook, kalook, then a horrible gritting of teeth, and finally a piping female voice. Yes? Rising inflection. Did you wish to speak to me? Without answering I handed the telephone to the applicant and sat down. Then followed that queerest of all the queer things in this world, a conversation with only one end to it. You hear questions asked, you don't hear the answer. You hear invitations given, and you hear no thanks in return. You have listening pauses of dead silence, followed by apparently irrelevant and unjustifiable exclamations of glad surprise or sorrow or dismay. You can't make head or tail of the talk, because you never hear anything that the person at the other end of the wire says. Well, I heard the following remarkable series of observations all from the one tongue and all shouted, for you can't ever persuade the sex to speak gently into a telephone. Yes? Why, how did that happen? Pause. What did you say? Pause. Oh no, I don't think it was. Pause. No, oh no, I didn't mean that. I meant put it in while it is still boiling, or just before it comes to a boil. Pause. What? Pause. I turned it over with a backstitch on the salvage edge. Pause. Yes, I like that way too, but I think it's better to baste it on with Valencians or Bombazine or something of that sort. It gives it such an air and attracts so much noise. Pause. It's 49th Deuteronomy, 64th to 97th Inclusive. I think we ought all to read it often. Pause. Perhaps so. I generally use a hairpin. Pause. What did you say? Aside. Children, do be quiet. Pause. Oh, be flat. Dear me, I thought you said it was the cat. Pause. Since when? Pause. Why, I never heard of it. Pause. You astound me, it seems utterly impossible. Pause. Who did? Pause. Goodness gracious! Pause. Well, what is this world coming to? Was it right in church? Pause. And was her mother there? Pause. Why, Mrs. Bagley, I should have died of humiliation. What did they do? Long pause. I can't be perfectly sure because I haven't the notes by me, but I think it goes something like this. To rolly la-la, la-la-la-la, oh-tally la-la-le-la-le-la-do. And then repeat, you know. Pause. Yes, I think it is very sweet and very solemn and impressive if you get the undaunty note in the Pienecimo, right? Pause. Oh, gumdrops, gumdrops, but I never allow them to eat striped candy. and, of course, they can't till they get their teeth anyway. Pause. What? Pause. Oh! Not in the least. Go right on. He's here writing. It doesn't bother him. Pause. Very well. I'll come if I can. Aside. Dear me, how it does tire a person's arm to hold this thing up so long. I wish she'd— Pause. Oh! No! Not at all. I like to talk. But I'm afraid I'm keeping you from your affairs. Pause. Visitors? Pause. We never use butter on them. Pause. Yes, that is a very good way, but all the cookbooks say they are very unhealthy when they are out of season, and he doesn't like them anyway, especially canned. Pause. Oh! I think that is too high for them. We have never paid over fifty cents a bunch. Pause. Must you go? Well, good-bye. Pause. Yes, I think so. Good-bye. Pause. Four o'clock then. I'll be ready. Good-bye. Pause. Thank you ever so much. Good-bye. Pause. Oh! Not at all. Just as fresh. Which—? Oh! I'm glad to hear you say that. Good-bye. Hangs up the telephone and says— Oh! It does tire a person's arm so— A man delivers a single brutal good-bye, and that is the end of it. Not so with a gentle-sex. I say it in their praise. They cannot abide bruntness. End of section twenty-one. This is section twenty-two of the thirty thousand dollar request and other stories by Mark Twain. This LibriVox recording is in a public domain. Edward Mills and George Benton, a tale. These two were distantly related to each other—seventh cousins or something of that sort. While still babies they became orphans and were adopted by the Brantz, a childless couple who quickly grew very fond of them. The Brantz were always saying, Be pure, honest, sober, industrious, and considerate of others, and success in life is assured. The children heard this repeated some thousands of times before they understood it. They could repeat it themselves long before they could say the Lord's Prayer. It was painted over the nursery door, and was about the first thing they learned to read. It was destined to become the unswerving rule of Edward Mills's life. The Brantz changed the wording a little and said, Be pure, honest, sober, industrious, considerate, and you will never lack friends. Baby Mills was a comfort to everybody about him. When he wanted candy and could not have it, he listened to reason and contented himself without it. When Baby Benton wanted candy he cried for it until he got it. Baby Mills took care of his toys. Baby Benton always destroyed his in a very brief time, and then made himself so insistently disagreeable that in order to have peace in the house, little Edward was persuaded to yield up his playthings to him. When the children were a little older, Georgie became a heavy expense in one respect. He took no care of his clothes. Consequently, he shone frequently in new ones, which was not the case with Eddie. The boys grew apace. Eddie was an increasing comfort, Georgie, an increasing solicitude. It was always sufficient to say in answer to Eddie's petitions, I would rather you not do it, meaning swimming, skating, picnicking, burying, circusing, and all sorts of things which boys delight in. But no answer was sufficient for Georgie. He had to be humoured in his desires, or he would carry them with a high hand. Naturally no boy got more swimming, skating, burying, and so forth than he. Nobody ever had a better time. The good Brantz did not allow the boys to play out after nine in summer evenings. They were sent to bed at that hour. Eddie honourably remained, but Georgie usually slipped out of the window toward ten and enjoyed himself until midnight. It seemed impossible to break Georgie of this bad habit, but the Brantz managed it at last by hiring him, with apples and marbles, to stay in. The good Brantz gave all their time and attention to vain endeavours to regulate Georgie. They said, with grateful tears in their eyes, that Eddie needed no efforts of theirs he was so good, so considerate, and in all ways so perfect. By and by the boys were big enough to work, so they were apprentice to a trade. Edward went voluntarily. George was coaxed and bribed. Edward worked hard and faithfully, and ceased to be an expense to the good Brantz. They praised him. So did his master. But George ran away, and it cost Mr. Brant both money and trouble to hunt him up and get him back. By and by he ran away again, more money and more trouble. He ran away a third time, and stole a few little things to carry with him. Trouble and expense for Mr. Brantz once more, and besides, it was with the greatest difficulty that he succeeded in persuading the master to let the youth go unprosecuted for the theft. Edward worked steadily along, and in time became a full partner in his master's business. George did not improve. He kept the loving hearts of his aged benefactors full of trouble, and their hands full of inventive activities to protect him from ruin. Edward, as a boy, had interested himself in Sunday schools, debating societies, penny missionary affairs, anti-tobacco organizations, anti-profanity associations, and all such things. As a man he was a quiet but steady and reliable helper in the church, the temperance societies, and in all movements looking to the aiding and uplifting of men. This excited no remark attracted no attention, for it was his natural bent. Finally the old people died. The will testified their loving pride in Edward and left their little property to George because he needed it, whereas owing to a bountiful providence such was not the case with Edward. The property was left to George conditionally. He must buy out Edward's partner with it, else it must go to a benevolent organization called the Prisoner's Friend Society. The old people left a letter in which they begged their dear son Edward to take their place and watch over George, and help and shield him as they had done. Edward dutifully acquiesced, and George became his partner in the business. He was not a valuable partner. He had been meddling with drink before. He soon developed into a constant tipler now, and his flesh and eyes showed the fact unpleasantly. Edward had been courting a sweet and kindly spirited girl for some time. They loved each other dearly, and—but about this period George began to haunt her tearfully and imploringly, and at last she went crying to Edward, and said her high and holy duty was plain before her. She must not let her own selfish desires interfere with it. She must marry poor George, and reform him. It would break her heart, she knew it would, and so on, but duty was duty. So she married George, and Edward's heart came very near breaking, as well as her own. However Edward recovered, and married another girl, a very excellent one she was, too. Children came to both families. Mary did her honest best to reform her husband, but the contract was too large. George went on drinking, and by and by he fell to misusing her and the little one sadly. A great many good people strove with George—they were always at it in fact—but he calmly took such efforts as his do, and their duty, and did not mend his ways. He added a vice presently, that of secret gambling. He got deeply in debt, he borrowed money on the firm's credit, as quietly as he could, and carried the system so far and so successfully that one morning the sheriff took possession of the establishment, and the two cousins found themselves penniless. Times were hard now, and they grew worse. Edward moved his family into a garret, and walked the streets day and night seeking work. He begged for it, but it was really not to be had. He was astonished to see how soon his face became unwelcome. He was astonished and hurt to see how quickly the ancient interest which people had had in him faded out and disappeared. Still he must get work, so he swallowed his chagrin and toiled on in search of it. At last he got a job of carrying bricks up a ladder in a hod, and was a grateful man in consequence, but after that nobody knew him or cared anything about him. He was not able to keep up his dues in the various moral organizations to which he belonged, and had to endure the sharp pain of seeing himself brought under the disgrace of suspension. But the faster Edward died out of public knowledge and interest, the faster George rose in them. He was found lying, ragged, and drunk in the gutter one morning. A member of the Lady's Temperance Refuge fished him out, took him in hand, got up a subscription for him, kept him sober a whole week, then got a situation for him. An account of it was published. General attention was thus drawn to the poor fellow, and a great many people came forward and helped him toward reform with their countenance and encouragement. He did not drink a drop for two months, and meantime was the pet of the good. Then he fell in the gutter, and there was a general sorrow and lamentation. But the noble sisterhood rescued him again. They cleaned him up, they fed him, they listened to the mournful music of his repentances, they got him his situation again. An account of this also was published, and the town was drowned in happy tears over the re-restoration of the poor beast and struggling victim of the fatal bowl. A grand temperance revival was got up, and after some rousing speeches had been made the Chairman said impressively, We are now about to call for signers, and I think there is a spectacle in store for you which not many in this house will be able to view with dry eyes. There was an eloquent pause, and then George Benton, escorted by a red sash detachment of the ladies of the refuge, stepped forward upon the platform and signed the pledge. The air was rent with applause, and everybody cried for joy. Everybody rung the hand of the new convert when the meeting was over. His salary was enlarged next day, he was the talk of the town and its hero. An account of it was published. George Benton fell, regularly, every three months, but was faithfully rescued and wrought with every time and good situations were found for him. Finally he was taken around the country lecturing, as a reformed drunkard, and he had great houses and did an immense amount of good. He was so popular at home and so trusted during his sober intervals that he was unable to use the name of a principal citizen and get a large sum of money at the bank. A mighty pressure was brought to bear to save him from the consequences of his forgery, and it was partially successful. He was sent up for only two years. When at the end of a year the tireless efforts of the benevolent were crowned with success and he emerged from the penitentiary with a pardon in his pocket, the prisoner's friend society met him at the door with a situation and a comfortable salary, and all the other benevolent people came forward and gave him advice, encouragement, and help. Edward Mills had once applied to the prisoner's friend's society for a situation, when in dire need, but the question, Have you been a prisoner? made brief work of his case. While all these things were going on, Edward Mills had been quietly making head against adversity. He was still poor, but was in receipt of a steady and sufficient salary as they respected and trusted cashier of a bank. George Benton never came near him and was never heard to inquire about him. George got to indulging in long absences from the town. There were ill reports about him, but nothing definite. One winter's night some masked burglars forced their way into the bank and found Edward Mills there alone. They commanded him to reveal the combination, so that they could get into the safe. He refused. They threatened his life. He said his employers trusted him and he could not be traitor to that trust. He could die, if he must, but while he lived he would be faithful. He would not yield up the combination. The burglars killed him. The detectives hunted down the criminals. The chief one proved to be George Benton. A wide sympathy was felt for the widow and orphans of the dead man, and all the newspapers in the land begged that all the banks in the land would testify their appreciation of the fidelity and heroism of the murdered cashier by coming forward with a generous contribution of money in aid of his family, now bereft of support. The result was a mass of solid cash amounting to upward of five hundred dollars, an average of nearly three-eighths of a cent for each bank in the Union. The cashier's own bank testified its gratitude by endeavouring to show, but humiliatingly failed in it, that the peerless servants' accounts were not square and that he himself had knocked his brains out with a bludgeon to escape detection and punishment. George Benton was arraigned for trial. Then everybody seemed to forget the widow and orphans in their solicitude for poor George. Everything that money and influence could do was done to save him, but it all failed. He was sentenced to death. Straightway the governor was besieged with petitions for commutation or pardon. They were brought by tearful young girls, by sorrowful old maids, by deputations of pathetic widows, by shoals of impressive orphans. But no, the governor for once would not yield. Now George Benton experienced religion. The glad news flew all around. From that time forth his cell was always full of girls and women and fresh flowers. All the day long there was prayer and hymn singing and thanksgiving and homilies and tears, with never an interruption except an occasional five-minute intermission for refreshments. This sort of thing continued up to the very gallows and George Benton went proudly home in the black cap before a wailing audience of the sweetest and best that the region could produce. His grave had fresh flowers on it every day for a while, and the headstone bore these words under a hand pointing aloft. He has fought the good fight. The brave cashier's headstone has this inscription. Be pure, honest, sober, industrious, considerate, and you will never. Nobody knows who gave the order to leave it that way, but it was so given. The cashier's family are in stringent circumstances now, it is said, but no matter a lot of appreciative people who are not willing that an act so brave and true as his should go unrewarded have collected forty-two thousand dollars and built a memorial church with it. End of section 22. This is section 23 of The Thirty Thousand Dollar Bequest and Other Stories by Mark Twain. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. The Five Boons of Life. Chapter 1 In the morning of life came the good fairy with her basket and said, Here are gifts, take one, leave the others, and be wary, choose wisely, oh, choose wisely, for only one of them is valuable. The gifts were five, fame, love, riches, pleasure, death. The youth said eagerly, There is no need to consider, and he chose pleasure. He went out into the world and sought out the pleasures that youth delights in, but each in its turn was short-lived and disappointing, vain and empty, and each departing mocked him. In the end he said, These years I have wasted. If I could but choose again, I would choose wisely. Chapter 2 The fairy appeared and said, Four of the gifts remain. Choose once more, and oh, remember, Time is flying, and only one of them is precious. The man considered long, then chose love, and did not mark the tears that rose in the fairy's eyes. After many, many years the man sat by a coffin in an empty home, and he communed with himself, saying, One by one they have gone away and left me, and now she lies here, the dearest and the last. Desolation after desolation has swept over me, for each hour of happiness the treacherous traitor love has sold me, I have paid a thousand dollars of grief. Out of my heart of hearts I curse him. Chapter 3 Choose again, it was the fairy speaking. The years have taught you wisdom, surely it must be so. Three gifts remain. Only one of them has any worth, remember it, and choose warily. The man reflected long, then chose fame, and the fairy, sighing, went her way. Years went by and she came again and stood behind the man where he sat solitary in the fading day, thinking, and she knew his thought. My name filled the world, and its praises were on every tongue, and it seemed well with me for a little while. How little a while it was! Then came envy, then detraction, then columny, then hate, then persecution, then derision, which is the beginning of the end, and last of all came pity, which is the funeral of fame. Oh! the bitterness and misery of renown! Target for mud in its prime, for contempt and compassion in its decay. CHAPTER IV Choose yet again, it was the fairy's voice. Two gifts remain, and do not despair. In the beginning there was but one that was precious, and it is still here. Wealth, which is power! How blind I was! said the man. Now at last life will be worth the living. I will spend, squander, and dazzle. These mockers and despisers will crawl in the dirt before me, and I will feed my hungry heart with their envy. I will have all luxuries, all joys, all enchantments of the spirit, all contentments of the body that man holds dear. I will buy, buy, buy. Deference, respect, esteem, worship, every pinch-back grace of life the market of a trivial world can furnish forth. I have lost much time, and chosen badly here to fore, but let that pass, and I was ignorant then, and could but take for best what seemed so. Three short years went by, and a day came when the man sat shivering in a mean garret. He was gaunt and wan, and hollow-eyed, and closed in rags, and he was gnawing a dry crust and mumbling, Curse all the world's gifts, for mockeries and gilded lies, and miscalled every wine. They are not gifts, but merely lendings. Pleasure, love, fame, riches, they are but temporary disguises for lasting realities, pain, grief, shame, poverty, the fairy said true. In all her store there was but one gift which was precious, only one that was not valueless. How poor and cheap and mean I know those others now to be, compared with that inestimable one, that dear and sweet and kindly one that steeps in dreamless and enduring sleep the pains that persecute the body, and the shames and griefs that eat the mind and heart. Bring it! I am weary. I would rest. The fairy came, bringing again four of the gifts, but death was wanting. She said, I gave it to a mother's pet, a little child. It was ignorant, but trusted me asking me to choose for it. You did not ask me to choose. O miserable me! What is left for me? What not even you have deserved. The wanton insult of old age. End of Section 23. This is Section 24 of the $30,000 request and other stories by Mark Twain. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. The first writing-machines. From my unpublished autobiography. Some days ago a correspondent sent in an old typewritten sheet faded by age containing the following letter of the signature of Mark Twain. Hartford, March 10, 1875. Please do not use my name in any way. Please do not even divulge that fact that I own a machine. I have entirely stopped using the typewriter for the reason that I never could write a letter with it to anybody without receiving a request by return mail, that I would not only describe the machine, but state what progress I had made in the use of it, etc., etc. I don't like to write letters, and so I don't want people to know I own this curiosity-breeding little joker. A note was sent to Mr. Clemens asking him if the letter was genuine, and whether he really had a typewriter as long ago as that. Mr. Clemens replied that his best answer is the following chapter from his unpublished autobiography. 1904 Via Cato Florence, January. Writing autobiography to a typewriter is a new experience for me, but it goes very well, and is going to save time and language, the kind of language that soothes vexation. I have dictated to a typewriter before, but not autobiography. Between that experience and the present one there lies a mighty gap more than thirty years. It is sort of lifetime. In that wide interval much has happened to the type machine as well as to the rest of us. At the beginning of that interval a type machine was a curiosity. The person who owned one was a curiosity, too. But now it is the other way about. The person who doesn't own one is a curiosity. I saw a type machine for the first time in—what year? I suppose it was 1873, because Nasbi was with me at the time, and it was in Boston. We must have been lecturing, or we could not have been in Boston, I take it. I quitted the platform that season. But never mind about that. It is no matter. Nasbi and I saw the machine through a window and went in to look at it. The salesman explained it to us, showed us samples of its work, and said it could do fifty-seven words a minute—a statement which we frankly confessed that we did not believe. So he put his type girl to work, and we timed her by the watch. She actually did the fifty-seven in sixty seconds. We were partly convinced, but said it probably couldn't happen again, but it did. We timed the girl over and over again with the same result always. She won out. She did her work on narrow slips of paper, and we pocketed them as fast as she turned them out to show as curiosities. The price of the machine was one hundred and twenty-five dollars. I bought one, and we went away very excited. At the hotel we got out our slips, and were a little disappointed to find that they contained the same words. The girl had economized time and labor by using a formula which she knew by heart. However, we argued, safely enough, that the first type girl must naturally take rank with the first billiard player, and either of them could be expected to get out of the game any more than a third or a half of what was in it. If the machine survived—if it survived—experts would come to the front by and by, who would double the girl's output without a doubt? They would do one hundred words a minute, my talking speed on the platform. That score has long ago been beaten. At home I played with the toy, repeated and repeated and repeated, the boy stood on the burning deck, until I could turn that boy's adventure out at the rate of twelve words a minute. Then I resumed the pen for business, and only worked the machine to astonish inquiring visitors. They carried off many reams of the boy and his burning deck. By and by I hired a young woman, and did my first dictating, letters merely, and my last, until now. The machine did not do both capitals and lower case, as now, but only capitals—gothic capitals they were, and sufficiently ugly. I remember the first letter I dictated it was to Edward Bach, who was a boy, then. I was not acquainted with him at that time. His present, enterprising spirit is not new, he had it in that early day. He was accumulating autographs, and was not content with mere signatures. He wanted a whole autograph letter. I furnished it, in typewritten capitals, signature and all. It was long, it was a sermon. It contained advice, also reproaches. I said writing was my trade, my bread and butter. I said it was not fair to ask a man to give away samples of his trade. Would he ask the blacksmith for a horseshoe? Would he ask the doctor for a corpse? Now I come to an important matter, as I regard it. In the year seventy-four, the young woman copied a considerable part of a book of mine on the machine. In a previous chapter of this autobiography I have claimed that I was the first person in the world that ever had a telephone in the house for practical purposes. I will now claim, until dispossessed, that I was the first person in the world to apply the type machine to literature. That book must have been the Adventures of Tom Sawyer. I wrote the first half of it in seventy-two, the rest of it in seventy-four. My machinist type copied a book for me in seventy-four, so I concluded it was that one. That early machine was full of caprices, full of defects, devilish ones. It had as many immoralities as the machine of today has virtues. After a year or two I found that it was degrading my character, so I thought I would give it to Howells. He was reluctant, for he was suspicious of novelties and unfriendly toward them, and he remained so to this day. But I persuaded him, he had great confidence in me, and I got him to believe things about the machine that I did not believe myself. He took it home to Boston, and my morals began to improve, but his have never recovered. He kept it six months, and then returned it to me. I gave it away twice after that, but it wouldn't stay. It came back. Then I gave it to our coachman, Patrick McLeer, who was very grateful, because he did not know the animal, and thought I was trying to make him wiser and better. As soon as he got wiser and better he traded it to a heretic for a side saddle, which he could not use, and there my knowledge of its history ends. End of Section 24. This is Section 25 of the $30,000 Quest and Other Stories by Mark Twain. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. Italian Without a Master. It is almost a fortnight now that I am domiciled in a medieval villa in the country, a mile or two from Florence—I cannot speak the language—I am too old not to learn how, also too busy when I am busy, and too indolent when I am not. Wherefore some will imagine that I am having a dull time of it. But it is not so. The help are all natives. They talk Italian to me, I answer in English. I do not understand them. They do not understand me. Consequently, no harm is done, and everybody is satisfied. In order to be just and fair I throw in an Italian word when I have one, and this has a good influence. I get the word out of the morning paper. I have to use it while it is fresh, for I find that Italian words do not keep in this climate. They fade toward night, and next morning they are gone. But it is no matter. I get a new one out of the paper before breakfast, and thrill the domestics with it while it lasts. I have no dictionary, and I do not want one. I can select my words by the sound, or by orthographic aspect. Many of them have a French or German or English look, and these are the ones I enslave for the day's service. That is, as a rule, not always. If I find a learnable phrase that has an imposing look and warbles musically along, I do not care to know the meaning of it. I pay it out to the first applicant, knowing that if I pronounce it carefully, he will understand it, and that's enough. Yesterday's word was avanti. It sounds Shakespearean, and probably means avalt, and quit my sight. One day I have a whole phrase, sono despiacentissimo. I do not know what it means, but it seems to fit in everywhere and give satisfaction. Although as a rule my words and phrases are good for one day and train only, I have several that stay by me all the time, for some unknown reason, and these come very handy when I get into a long conversation and need things to fire up with in monotonous stretches. One of the best ones is Dove il Gatto. It nearly always produces a pleasant surprise, therefore I save it for places where I want to express applause or admiration. The fourth word has a French sound, and I think the phrase means, That takes the cake. During my first week in the deep and dreamy stillness of this woodsy and flowery place, I was without news of the outside world, and was well content without it. It has been four weeks since I had seen a newspaper, and this lack seemed to give life a new charm and grace, and to saturate it with a feeling verging upon actual delight. Then came a change that was to be expected. The appetite for news began to rise again, after this invigorating rest. I had to feed it, but I was not willing to let it make me its helpless slave again. I determined to put it on a diet, and a strict and limited one. So I examined an Italian paper, with the idea of feeding it on that, and on that exclusively. On that exclusively and without help of a dictionary. In this way I should surely be well protected against overloading and indigestion. A glance at the telegraphic page filled me with encouragement. There were no scare-heads. That was good, supremely good. But there were headings, one-liners and two-liners, and that was good too, for without these one must do as one does with a German paper. They are a precious time in finding out what an article is about, only to discover, in many cases, that there is nothing in it of interest to you. The headline is a valuable thing. Necessarily we are all fond of murders, scandals, swindles, robberies, explosions, collisions, and all such things, when we knew the people, and when they are neighbors and friends, but when they are strangers we do not get any great pleasure out of them as a rule. Now the trouble with an American paper is that it has no discrimination. It rakes the whole earth for blood and garbage, and the result is that you are daily overfed and suffer a surfeit. By habit you stow this muck every day, but you come by and by to take no vital interest in it, indeed you almost get tired of it. As a rule, forty-nine fiftieths of it concern strangers only. Go away off yonder a thousand miles, two thousand miles, ten thousand miles from where you are. Why, when you come to think of it, who cares what becomes of those people? I would not give the assassination of one personal friend for a whole massacre of those others, and to my mind, one relative or neighbor mixed up in a scandal is more interesting than a whole Sodom and Gomorrah of outlanders gone rotten. Give me the home product every time. Very well. I saw at a glance that the Florentine paper would suit me. Five out of six of its scandals and tragedies were local. They were adventures of one's very neighbors. One might almost say one's friends. In the matter of world news there was not too much, but just about enough. I subscribed. I have had no occasion to regret it. Every morning I get all the news I need for the day, sometimes from the headlines, sometimes from the text. I have never had to call for a dictionary yet. I read the paper with ease. Often I do not quite understand. Often some of the details escape me, but no matter, I get the idea. I will cut out a passage or two, and then you see how limpid the language is. Il ritorno dei Beati d'Italia, ilargizione del re al ospedale italiano. The first line means that the Italian sovereigns are coming back. They have been to England. The second line seems to mean that they enlarge the king at the Italian hospital, or the banquet, I suppose. An English banquet has that effect. Further. Il ritorno dei Sovrani a Roma, Roma, 24, ore, 2250. Isovrani e le principesine reali si attendono a Roma domani alle ore 1551. Return of the sovereigns to Rome, you see, and date of the telegram, Rome, November 24, 10 minutes before 23 o'clock. The telegram seems to say, the sovereigns and the royal children expect themselves at Rome tomorrow at 51 minutes after 15 o'clock. I do not know about Italian time, but I judge it begins at midnight and runs through the 24 hours without breaking bulk. In the following ad, the theaters open at half past 20. If these are not matinees, 20.30 must mean 8.30 p.m., by my reckoning. Spettacoli del D. 25, Teatro della Pergola, ore 20.30. Opera, po'em, Teatro Alfieri, compagno dramatica Drago, ore 20.30. La lege, Alambra, ore 20.30. Spettacolo variato. Sala Edison, grandioso spettacolo cinematographico. Covades, inaugurazione della Ciesa rusa, in coda al direttissimo. Redute di Firenze con gran movimento. America, transporto tronchi gigantici, i ladri in casa del diavolo. Cine, comice. Cinematographo via Brunelici, numero 4. Prograna straordinario, Don Cicciote, presi populari. The whole of that is intelligible to me, and sane and rational too, except a remark about the inauguration of a Russian cheese. That one oversized my hand. Give me five cards. This is a four-page paper, and as it is said in long primer lettered, and has a page of advertisements, there is no room for the crimes, disasters, and general sweepings of the outside world, thanks be. Today I find only a single importation of the off-color sword. Una principessa, ce fuge con un cociere. Parigi, 24. Il mattin a da Berlino, ce la principessa so vendare, Waldenbure, scomparve il 9 novembre. Sarebbe partita col suo cociere. La principessa a 27 anni. 27 years old, and a scomparve, scampered, on the 9th of November. You see by the added detail that she departed with her coachman. I hope Sarebbe has not made a mistake, but I'm afraid the chances are that she has sono dispiacentissimo. There are several fires, also a couple of accidents. This is one of them. Grave discrazia sul ponte vecchio. La mattina circa le 7.30, mentre Giuseppe Schiatti di anni 55, di Castellina e Tori, passava dal ponte vecchio, stando seduto sopra un baroccio carico di verdura, per se l'equilibrio e cade al suolo, reminendo con la gamba destra sotto una ruota del veicolo. Lo Schiatti fu subito raccolto da alcuni citadini, c'è per mezzo della pubblica vettura, numero 365, lo trasporto a San Giovanni di Dio. Ivi, il medico di Guardia, gli riscontrò la frattura della gamba destra e alcune lievi escorrianzoni chiudicandolo guaribile in 50 giorni salvo complicazioni. What it seems to say is this, serious disgrace on the old, old bridge. This morning about 7.30 Mr. Giuseppe Schiatti, age 55, of Castellina and Tori, while standing up in a sitting posture on top of a carico barro of verdura, foliage, hay, vegetables, lost his equilibrium and fell on himself, arriving with his left leg under one of the wheels of the vehicle. Said Schiatti was suddenly harvested, gathered in by several citizens who by means of public cab number 365 transported to St. John of God. Paragraph 3 is a little obscure, but I think it says that the medico set the broken left leg, right enough since there was nothing the matter with the other one, and that several are encouraged to hope that 50 days will fetch him around in quite giudicandolo guaribile way, if no complications intervene. I am sure I hope so myself. There is a great and peculiar charm about reading news scraps in a language which you are not acquainted with, the charm that always goes with the mysteries and the uncertain. You can never be absolutely sure of the meaning of anything you read in such circumstances. You are chasing an alert and gamey riddle all the time, and the baffling turns and dodges of the prey make the life of the hunt. A dictionary would spoil it. Sometimes a single word of doubtful purport will cast a veil of dreamy and golden uncertainty over a whole paragraph of cold and practical certainties, and leave steeped in a haunting and adorable mystery an incident which had been vulgar and commonplace, but for that benefaction. Would you be wise to draw a dictionary on that gracious word? Would you be properly grateful? After a couple of days' rest I now come back to my subject and seek a case in point. I find it without trouble in the morning paper, a cablegram from Chicago and Indiana by way of Paris. All the words say one are guessable by a person ignorant of Italian. Revolverate in Teatro, Parigi 47, La Patrie Ada Chicago, il guardiano del Teatro dell'Opera di Wallace, Indiana. Avendo voluto espellare, uno spettatore ce continuava a fumare malgrado il divietti, questo spalaggiato dei suoi amici dir o diversi colpi di rivoltea. Il guardiano del pose. Da che una scarzica generale, grande panico tra gli spettatori, nessun ferito. Translation. Revolveration in theater, Paris 27, La Patrie has come from Chicago. The cop of the theater of the opera of Wallace, Indiana, had willed to expel a spectator which continued to smoke in spite of the prohibition, who, spalaggiato by his friends, Tire, French and Glice pulled, many-fold revolver shots, the cop responded, result, a general scare, great panic among the spectators, nobody hurt. It is bettable that that harmless cataclysm in the theater of the opera of Wallace, Indiana excited not a person in Europe but me, and so came near to not being worth cabling to Florence by way of France. But it does excite me, it excites me because I cannot make out for sure what it was that moved the spectator to resist the officer. I was gliding along smoothly and without obstruction or accident until I came to that word, spalaggiato. Then the bottom fell out. You notice what a rich gloom, what a somber and pervading mystery that word sheds all over the whole Wallachian tragedy. That is the charm of the thing, that is the delight of it. This is where you begin, this is where you revel. You can guess and guess, and have all the fun you like. You need not be afraid there will be an end to it, none is possible for no amount of guessing will ever furnish you a meaning for that word that you can be sure is the right one. All the other words give you hints, by their form, their sound, or their spelling. This one doesn't, this one throws out no hints, this one keeps its secret. If there is even the slightest, slight shadow of a hint anywhere, it lies in the very meagerly suggestive fact that spalaggiato carries our word egg in its stomach. Well, make the most out of it, and then where are you at? You conjecture that the spectator, which was smoking in spite of the prohibition and become rep prohibited by the guardians, was egged on by his friends, and that was owing to that evil influence that he initiated the revolveration in theatre that has galloped under the sea and gone crushing through the European press without exciting anybody but me. But are you sure? Are you dead sure that that was the way of it? No. Then the uncertainty remains, the mystery abides, and with it the charm. Guess again. If I had a phrase-book of a really satisfactory sort I would study it, and not give all my free time to undictionarial readings, but there is no such work on the market. The existing phrase-books are inadequate, they are well enough as far as they go, but when you fall down and skin your leg they don't tell you what to say. End of Section 25. I found that a person of large intelligence could read this beautiful language with considerable facility without a dictionary, but I presently found that, to such a person, a grammar could be of use at times. It is because if he does not know the wareses and the wases and the maybes and the hasbinses apart, confusions and uncertainties can arise. He can get the idea that a thing is going to happen next week when the truth is that it has already happened week before last, even more previously sometimes. Examination and inquiry showed me that the adjectives and such things were frank and fair-minded and straightforward and did not shuffle. It was the verb that mixed the hands. It was the verb that lacked stability. It was the verb that had no permanent opinion about anything. It was the verb that was always dodging the issue and putting out the light and making all the trouble. Further examination, further inquiry, further reflection confirmed this judgment and established beyond per-adventure the fact that the verb was the storm-center. This discovery made playing the right and wise course to pursue in order to acquire certainty and exactness in understanding the statements which the newspaper was daily endeavoring to convey to me. I must catch a verb and tame it. I must find out its ways. I must spot its eccentricities. I must penetrate its disguises. I must intelligently foresee and forecast at least the commoner of the dodges it was likely to try upon a stranger in given circumstances. I must get in on its main shifts and head them off. I must learn its game and play the limit. I had noticed, in other foreign languages, that verbs are bred in families, and that the members of each family have certain features or resemblances that are common to that family and distinguish it from the other families, the other kin, the cousins and whatnot. I had noticed that this family mark is not usually the nose or the hair, so to speak, but the tail, the termination, and that these tails are quite definitely differentiated, in so much that an expert can tell a plupurfect from a sub-conjunctive by its tail as easily and as certainly as a cowboy can tell a cow from a horse by the like process, the result of observation and culture. I should explain that I am speaking of legitimate verbs. Those verbs which in the slang of the grammar are called regular. There are other—I am not meaning to conceal this—others called irregular, born out of wetlock, of unknown and uninteresting parentage, and naturally destitute of family resemblances as regards to all features, tails included. But of these pathetic outcasts I have nothing to say. I do not approve of them. I do not encourage them. I am prudishly delicate and sensitive, and I do not allow them to be used in my presence. But as I have said, I decided to catch one of the others and break it into harness. One is enough. Once familiar with its assortment of tails, you are immune. After that no regular verb can conceal its specialty from you and make you think it is working the past or the future or the conditional or the unconditional when it is engaged in some other line of business. Its tail will give it away. I found out all these things by myself, without a teacher. I selected the verb, amare, to love. Not for any personal reason, for I am indifferent about verbs. I care no more for one verb than for another, and have little or no respect for any of them. But in foreign languages you always begin with that one. Why, I don't know. It is merely habit, I suppose. The first teacher chose it, Adam, was satisfied, and there hasn't been a successor since with originality enough to start a fresh one. For they are a pretty limited lot, you will admit that. Originality is not in their line. They can't think up anything new, anything to freshen up the old, moss-grown dullness of the language lesson, and put life and go into it, and charm and grace and picturesqueness. I knew I must look after those details myself. Therefore I thought them out, and wrote them down, and sent for the Faccino, and explained them to him, and said he must arrange a proper plant, and get together a good stock company among the Contadini, and design the costumes, and distribute the parts, and drill the troop, and be ready in three days to begin on this verb in a ship-shape and workman-like manner. I told him to put each grand division of it under a foreman, and each subdivision under a subordinate of the rank of sergeant or corporal or something like that, and to have a different uniform for each squad, so that I could tell a pluperfect from a compound future without looking at the book, the whole battery to be under his own special and particular command with a rank of brigadier, and I to pay the freight. I then inquired into the character and possibilities of the selected verb, and was much disturbed to find that it was over my size, it being chambered for fifty-seven rounds, fifty-seven ways of saying I love without reloading, and yet none of them likely to convince a girl that was laying for a title, or a title that was laying for rocks. It seemed to me that, with my inexperience, it would be foolish to go into action with this mitraeuse, so I ordered it to the rear, and told the Faccino to provide something a little more primitive to start with, something less elaborate, some gentle old-fashioned flintlock, smoothbore, double-barreled thing, calculated to cripple at two hundred yards and kill at forty, an arrangement suitable for a beginner who could be satisfied with moderate results on the off-start, and did not wish to take the whole territory in the first campaign. But in vain he was not able to mend the matter, all the verbs being of the same build, all gatlings, all of the same caliber and delivery, fifty-seven to the volley, and fatal at a mile and a half. But he said the auxiliary verb, avere, to have, was a tidy thing, and easy to handle in a seaway, and less likely to miss stays in going about than some of the others, so upon his recommendation I chose that one, and told him to take it along and scrape its bottom and break out its spinnaker and get it ready for business. I will explain that a Faccino is a general utility domestic. Mine was a horse-doctor in his better days, and a very good one. At the end of three days the Faccino doctor Brigadier was ready. I was also ready with a stenographer. We were in a room called the Rope Walk. This is a formatively long room, as is indicated by its facetious name, and is a good place for reviews. At nine-thirty the FDB took his place near me and gave the word of command. The drums began to rumble and thunder, the head of the forces appeared at an upper door, and the march-past was on. Down they filed, a blaze of variegated color, each squad gaudy in a uniform of its own, and bearing a banner inscribed with its verbal rank and quality. First the present tense in Mediterranean blue and old gold, then the past definite in scarlet and black, then the imperfect in green and yellow, then the indicative future in the stars and stripes, then the old red sandstone subjunctive in purple and silver, and so on, and so on. Fifty-seven privates and twenty commissioned and non-commissioned officers, certainly one of the most fiery and dazzling and eloquent sights I have ever beheld. I could not keep back the tears. Presently, I commanded the brigadier, front face, right dress. Stand at ease. One, two, three, indonesan, recite. It was fine. In one noble volume of sound of all the fifty-seven halves in the Italian language burst forth in an exulting and splendid confusion, then came the command's about face, eyes front, helm ali hard port, forward marge, and the drums let go again. When the last termination had disappeared, the commander said the instruction drill would now begin and asked for suggestions. I said, they say I have, thou hast, he has, and so on, but they don't say what. It will be better and more definite if they have something to have, just an object, you know, something, anything will do, anything that will give the listener a sort of personal as well as grammatical interest in their joys and complaints you see. He said, it is a good point, would a dog do? I said I did not know, but we could try a dog and see. So he sent out an aid to camp to give the order to add the dog. The six privates of the present tense now filed in, in charge of Sargent Avere, to have, and displaying their banner, they formed in line of battle and recited, one at a time, thus, I have a dog, thou hast a dog, egli ha un cane, he has a dog, noi abbiamo un cane, we have a dog, voi avete un cane, you have a dog, egli no hanno un cane, they have a dog. No comment followed. They returned to camp and I reflected awhile. The commander said, I fear you are disappointed. Yes, I said, they are too monotonous, too singsong, too dead and alive. They have no expression, no eloquution. It isn't natural. It could never happen in real life. A person who had just acquired a dog is either blame glad or blame sorry. He is not on the fence. I never saw a case. What the nation do you suppose is the matter with these people? He thought maybe the trouble was with the dog. He said, these are contadini, you know, and they have prejudice against dogs, that is, against marimane. Marimane dogs stand guard over people's vines and others, you know, and are very savage, and thereby a grief and an inconvenience to persons who want other people's things at night. In my judgment they have taken this dog for a marimane and how soured on him. I saw that the dog was a mistake and not functionable. We must try something else, something, if possible, that could evoke sentiment, interest, feeling. What is cat in Italian? I asked. Gatto. Is it a gentleman cat or a lady? Gentleman cat. How are these people as regards to that animal? Well, they, they... You hesitate. That is enough. How are they about chickens? He tilted his eyes toward heaven in mute ecstasy. I understood. What is chicken in Italian? I asked. Puyo pudere. Pudere is Italian for master. It is a title of courtesy and conveys reverence and admiration. Puyo is one chicken by itself. When there are enough present to constitute a plural, it is Puy. Very well, Puy will do. Which squad is detailed for duty next? The past definite. Send out and order it to the front, with chickens, and let them understand that we don't want any more of this cold indifference. He gave the order to an aide, adding, with a haunting tenderness in his tone and a watering mouth in his aspect, convey to them the conception that these are unprotected chickens. He turned to me, saluting with his hand to his temple, and explained, it will inflame their interest in the polteressire. A few minutes lapsed. Then the squad marched in and formed up their faces glowing with enthusiasm, and the file leader shouted, Ebi Puy, I had chickens. Good, I said. Go on, the next. Avest Puy, thou hast chickens. Fine, next. Ebi Puy, he had chickens. Molti moltissimo, go on, the next. Avemo Puy, we had chickens. Basta, basta aspetato avanti. Last man, charge. Ebero Puy, they had chickens. Then they formed an echelon by columns of fours, refused the left, and retired in great style on the double quick. I was enchanted, and said, now, doctor, that is something like. Chickens are the ticket, there is no doubt about it. What is the next squad? The imperfect. How does it go? Yo avena, I had. Tu avevi, thou hadst. Egli avena, he had. Noi, wait, we've just had the hads. What are you giving me? But this is another breed. What do you want of another breed? Isn't one breed enough? Had is had, and you're tricking it out in a fresh way of spelling isn't going to make it any hadder than it was before. Now you know that yourself. But there is a distinction. They are not just the same hads. How do you make it out? Well, you use that first had when you are referring to something that happened at a named and sharp and perfectly definite moment. Use the other when the thing happened that they vaguely defined time and in a more prolonged and indefinitely continuous way. Why, doctor, it is pure nonsense. You know it yourself. Look here, if I have had a had, or have wanted to have had a had, or was in a position right then and there to have had a had that hadn't had any chance to go out hadding on account of this foolish discrimination which lets one had go hadding in any kind of indefinite grammatical weather, but restricts the other one to definite and datable meteoric convulsions and keeps it pining around and watching the barometer all the time, and libel to get sick through confinement and lack of exercise, and all that sort of thing. Why, why, the inhumanity of it is enough, let alone the wanton superfluity and uselessness of any such a loafing, consumptive hospital bird of a had taking up room and cumbering the place for nothing. These finical refinements revolt me. It is not right. It is not honorable. It is constructive nepotism to keep in office a had, and is so delicate, it can't come out when the wind's in the northwest. I won't have this dude on the payroll. Cancel his Exequator, and look here, but you miss the point. It is like this. You see? Never mind explaining. I don't care anything about it. Six hads is enough for me. Anybody that needs twelve, let him subscribe. I don't want any stock in a had-trust. Knock out the prolonged and the indefinitely continuous. Four-fifths of it is water anyway, but I beg you, Pudere. It is often quite indispensable in cases where- Pipe the next squad to the assault. But it was not to be. For at that moment the dull boom of the noon gun floated up out of far-off Florence, followed by the usual softened jangle of church bells, Florentine and suburban, that bursts out in murmurous response. By labor union wall, the Colazione, note one, Colazione is Italian for a collection, a meeting, a seance, a sitting, MT. Must stop. Stop promptly, stop instantly, stop definitely, like the chosen and best of the breed of hads. End of section 26 This is section 27 of the $30,000 bequest and other stories by Mark Twain. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. A burlesque biography. Two or three persons having at different times intimated that if I would write an autobiography they would read it when they got leisure. I yield at last to this frenzied public demand, and herewith tender my history. Ours is a noble house, and stretches a long way back into antiquity. The earliest ancestor the Twains have any record of, was a friend of the family by the name of Higgins. This was in the eleventh century when our people were living in Aberdeen County of Cork, England. Why it is that our long line has ever since borne the maternal name, except when one of them now and then took a playful refuge in an alias to avert foolishness. Instead of Higgins, is a mystery which none of us has ever felt much desire to stir. It is a kind of vague, pretty romance, and we leave it alone. All the old families do it that way. Arthur Twain was a man of considerable note, a solicitor on the highway in William Rufus's time. At about the age of thirty he went to one of those fine old English places of resort called Newgate to see about something, and never returned again. While there he died suddenly, Augustus Twain seems to have made something of a stir about the year eleven sixty. He was as full of fun as he could be, and used to take his old sabre and sharpen it up, and get in a convenient place on a dark night, and stick it through people as they went by, to see them jump. He was a born humorist, but he got to going too far with it, and the first time he was found stripping one of these parties, the authorities removed one end of him, and put it up on a nice high place on Temple Bar, where it could contemplate the people and have a good time. He never liked any situation so much, or stuck to it so long. Then for the next two hundred years the family tree shows a succession of soldiers, noble, high-spirited fellows, who always went into battle singing, right behind the army, and always went out a whooping, right ahead of it. This is a scathing rebuke to old dead Frozart's poor witticism that our family tree never had but one limb to it, and that that one stuck out at right angles, and bore fruit winter and summer. Early in the fifteenth century we had Bo Twain, called the Scholar. He wrote a beautiful, beautiful hand, and he could imitate anybody's hand so closely that it was enough to make a person laugh his head off to see it. He had infinite sport with his talent, but by and by he took a contract to break stone for a road, and the roughness of the work spoiled his hand. Still he enjoyed life all the time he was in the stone business, which, with inconsiderable intervals, was some forty-two years. In fact he died in harness. During all those long years he gave such satisfaction that he never was through with one contract a week till the government gave him another. He was a perfect pet, and he was always a favorite with his fellow artists, and was a conspicuous member of their benevolent secret society called the Chain Gang. He always wore his hair short, had a preference for striped clothes, and died lamented by the government. He was a sore loss to his country, for he was so regular. Some years later we have the illustrious John Morgan Twain. He came over to this country with Columbus in 1492 as a passenger. He appears to have been of a crusty, uncomfortable disposition. He complained of the food all the way over, and was always threatening to go ashore unless there was a change. He wanted fresh chad. Hardly a day passed over his head that he did not go idling about the ship with his nose in the air, sneering about the commander, and saying he did not believe Columbus knew where he was going to, or had ever been there before. The memorable cry of Land Ho thrilled every heart and the ship, but his. He gazed a while through a piece of smoked glass at the penciled line and lying on the distant water, and then said, Land Be Hanged, it's a raft! When this questionable passenger came on board the ship he brought nothing with him but an old newspaper containing a handkerchief marked B.G., one cotton sock marked L.W.C., one woollen one marked D.F., and a night shirt marked O.M.R., and yet during the voyage he worried more about his trunk and gave himself more ears about it than all the rest of the passengers put together. If the ship was down by the head and would not steer he would go and move his trunk further aft, and then watch the effect. If the ship was by the stern he would suggest to Columbus to detail some men to shift that baggage. In storms he had to be gagged, because his wailings about his trunk made it impossible for the men to hear the orders. The man does not appear to have been openly charged with any gravely unbecoming thing, but it is noted in the ship's log as a curious circumstance, that albeit he brought his baggage on board the ship in a newspaper, he took it ashore in four trunks, a Queensware crate, and a couple of champagne baskets. But when he came back insinuating in an insolent, swaggering way that some of his things were missing and was going to search the other passengers' baggage it was too much, and they threw him overboard. They watched long and wonderingly for him to come up, but not even a bubble rose on the quietly ebbing tide. But while everyone was most absorbed in gazing over the side, and the interest was momentarily increasing, it was observed with consternation that the vessel was adrift, and the anchor-cable hanging limp from the bow. Then in the ship's dimmed and ancient log we find this quaint note. In time it was discovered that the troublesome passenger had gone down and got the anchor, and took the same and sold it to the damn savages from the interior, saying he had founded it, his son of a gun. Yet this ancestor had good and noble instincts, and it is with pride that we call to mind the fact that he was the first white person who ever interested himself in the work of elevating and civilizing our Indians. He built a commodious jail and put up a gallows, and to his dying day he claimed with satisfaction that he had had a more restraining and elevating influence on the Indians than any other reformer that ever labored among them. At this point the chronicle becomes less frank and chatty, and closes abruptly by saying that the old voyager went to see his gallows perform on the first white man ever hanged in America, and while there received injuries which terminated in his death. The great grandson of the reformer flourished in 1600 and something, and was known in our annals as the Old Admiral, though in history he had other titles. He was long in command of fleets of swift vessels, well-armed and manned, and did great service in hurrying up merchantmen. Vessels which he followed and kept his eagle eye on always made good fair time across the ocean, but if a ship still loitered in spite of all he could do, his indignation would grow till he could contain himself no longer, and then he would take that ship home where he lived, and keep it there carefully, expecting the owners to come for it. But they never did. And he would try to get the idleness and sloth out of the sailors of that ship by compelling them to take invigorating exercise and a bath. He called it walking a plank. All the pupils liked it. At any rate they never found any fault with it after trying it. When the owners were late coming for their ships the Admiral always burnt them, so that the insurance money should not be lost. At last this final tar was cut down in the fullness of his years and honors, and to her dying day his poor heartbroken widow believed that if he had been cut down fifteen minutes sooner he might have been resuscitated. Charles Henry Twain lived during the latter part of the seventeenth century and was a zealous and distinguished missionary. He converted sixteen thousand South Sea islanders, and taught them that a dog, tooth, necklace, and a pair of spectacles was not enough clothing to come to divine service in. His poor flock loved him very, very dearly, and when his funeral was over they got up in his body and came out of the restaurant with tears in their eyes, and saying, one to another, that he was a good tender missionary, and they wished they had some more of him. Pagotu Wawa Puka Tikiwis, mighty hunter with a hog-eye Twain, adorned the middle of the eighteenth century and aided General Braddock with all his heart to resist the oppressor Washington. It was this ancestor who fired seventeen times at our Washington, from behind a tree. So far the beautiful romantic narrative in the moral story books is correct, but when that narrative goes on to say that at the seventeenth round the awe-stricken savage said solemnly that that man was being reserved by the great spirit for some mighty mission, and he dared not lift his sacrilegious rifle against him again. The narrative seriously impairs the integrity of history. What he did say was, it ain't no, no use, that man so drunk he can stand still long enough for a man to hit him. I can't afford to fool away any more amnition on him. That was why he stopped at the seventeenth round, and it was a good plain matter of fact reason too, and one that easily commends itself to us by the eloquent persuasive flavor of probability there is about it. I always enjoyed the story-book narrative, but I felt a marring misgiving that every Indian at Prattoc's defeat who fired at a soldier a couple of times, too easily grows to seventeenth in a century, and missed him, jumped to the conclusion that the great spirit was reserving that soldier for some grand mission, and so I somehow feared that the only reason why Washington's case is remembered and the other's forgotten is that in his the prophecy came true, and in that of the others it didn't. There are not books enough on earth to contain the record of the prophecies Indians and other unauthorized parties have made, but one may carry in his overcoat pockets the record of all the prophecies that have been fulfilled. I will remark here in passing that certain ancestors of mine are so thoroughly well known in history by their aliases that I have not felt it to be worthwhile to dwell upon them, or even mention them in the order of their birth. Among these may be mentioned Richard Brinsley Twain, alias Guy Fawkes, John Wentworth Twain, alias Sixteen String Jack, William Hogarth Twain, alias Jack Shepherd, Ananias Twain, alias Baron Munchausen, John George Twain, alias Captain Kidd, and then there are George Francis Twain, Tom Pepper, Nebuchadnezzar, and Bollen's Ass, they all belong to our family, but to a branch of it somewhat distinctly removed from the honorable direct line, in fact a collateral branch whose members chiefly differ from the ancient stock in that in order to acquire the notoriety we have always yearned and hungered for, they have got into a low way of going to jail instead of getting hanged. It is not well, when writing an autobiography to follow your ancestry down too close to your own time, it is safest to speak only vaguely of your great-grandfather and then skip from there to yourself, which I now do. I was born without teeth, and there Richard the Third had the advantage of me, but I was born without a humpback, likewise, and there I had the advantage of him. My parents were neither very poor nor conspicuously honest, but now a thought occurs to me, my own history would really seem so tame contrasted with that of my ancestors that it is simply wisdom to leave it unwritten until I am hanged. If some other biographies I have read had stopped with the ancestry until a like event occurred, it would have been a felicitous thing for the reading public. How does it strike you? End of Section 27 This is Section 28 of The $30,000 Request and Other Stories by Mark Twain. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. How to Tell a Story The humorous story and American development. Its difference from comic and witty stories. I do not claim that I can tell a story as it ought to be told. I only claim to know how a story ought to be told, for I have been almost daily in the company of the most expert storytellers for many years. There are several kinds of stories, but only one difficult kind, the humorous. I will talk mainly about that one. The humorous story is American. The comic story is English. The witty story is French. The humorous story depends for its effect upon the manner of the telling, the comic story and the witty story, upon the matter. The humorous story may be spun out to great length and may wander around as much as it pleases and arrive nowhere in particular, but the comic and witty stories must be brief and end with a point. The humorous story bubbles gently along, the others burst. The humorous story is strictly a work of art, high and delicate art, and only an artist can tell it. But no art is necessary in telling the comic and the witty story. Anybody can do it. The art of telling a humorous story—understand I mean by word of mouth, not print—was created in America and has remained at home. The humorous story is told gravely. The teller does his best to conceal the fact that he even dimly suspects that there is anything funny about it. But the teller of the comic story tells you beforehand that it is one of the funniest things he has ever heard, then tells it with eager delight, and is the first person to laugh when he gets through. And sometimes, if he has had good success, he is so glad and happy that he will repeat the nub of it and glance around from face to face, collecting applause, and then repeat it again. It is a pathetic thing to see. Very often, of course, the rambling and disjointed humorous story finishes with a nub, point, snapper, or whatever you like to call it. Then the listener must be alert, or in many cases the teller will divert attention from that nub by dropping it in a carefully casual and indifferent way with a pretense that he does not know it is a nub. Artemis Ward used that trick a good deal, and when the belated audience presently caught the joke, he would look up with innocent surprise as if wondering what they had found to laugh at. Dan Settrell used it before him. Nye and Riley and others use it today. But the teller of the comic story does not slur the nub. He shouts it at you every time, and when he prints it in England, France, Germany, and Italy, he italicizes it, puts some whopping exclamation points after it, and sometimes explains it in a parenthesis, all of which is very depressing and makes one want to renounce joking and lead a better life. Let me set down an instance of the comic method using an anecdote which has been popular all over the world for twelve or fifteen hundred years. The teller tells it in this way. The wounded soldier. In the course of a certain battle, a soldier whose leg had been shot off appealed to another soldier who was hurrying by to carry him to the rear, informing him at the same time of the loss which he had sustained, whereupon the generous son of Mars, shouldering the unfortunate, proceeded to carry out his desire. The bullets and cannon-balls were flying in all directions, and presently one of the latter took the wounded man's head off, without, however, his deliverer being aware of it. In no long time he was hailed by an officer who said, Where are you going with that carcass? To the rear, sir, he's lost his leg. His leg, forsooth, responded the astonished officer. You mean his hat, you booby! Whereupon the soldier dispossessed himself of his burden, and stood looking down upon it in great perplexity. At length he said, It is true, sir, just as you have said. Then after a pause he added, But he told me it was his leg! Here the narrator bursts into explosion after explosion of thunderous horse laughter, repeating that nub from time to time through his gasping and shriekings and suffocatings. It takes only a minute and a half to tell that in its comic story form, and it isn't worth the telling after all. Put into the humorous story form it takes ten minutes, and is about the funniest thing I have ever listened to, as James Whitcomb Riley tells it. He tells it in the character of a dull-witted old farmer, who has just heard it for the first time, thinks it is unspeakably funny, and is trying to repeat it to a neighbor. But he can't remember it. So he gets all mixed up, and wanders helplessly round and round, putting in tedious details that don't belong in the tale and only retard it, taking them out conscientiously, and putting in others that are just as useless, making minor mistakes now and then, and stopping to correct them, and explain how he came to make them, remembering things which he forgot to put in their proper place, and going back to put them in there, stopping his narrative a good while in order to try to recall the name of the soldier that was heard, and finally remembering that the soldier's name was not mentioned, and remarking placidly that the name is of no real importance anyway, and better, of course, if one knew it, but not essential after all, and so on, and so on, and so on. The teller is innocent, and happy, and pleased with himself, and has to stop every little while to hold himself in and keep from laughing outright, and does hold in, but his body quakes in a jelly-like way with interior chuckles, and at the end of the ten minutes the audience have laughed until they are exhausted, and the tears are running down their faces. The simplicity, and innocence, and sincerity, and unconsciousness of the old farmer are perfectly simulated, and the result is a performance which is thoroughly charming and delicious. This is art, and fine and beautiful, and only a master can compass it, but a machine could tell the other story. To string in congruities and absurdities together in a wandering and sometimes purposeless way, and seem innocently unaware that they are absurdities, is the basis of the American art, if my position is correct. Another feature is the slurring of the point. A third is the dropping of a studied remark apparently without knowing it, as if one were thinking aloud. The fourth, and last, is the pause. Artemis Ward dealt in numbers three and four a good deal. He would begin to tell with great animation something which he seemed to think was wonderful, then lose confidence, and after an apparently absent-minded pause, add an incongruous remark in a soliloquizing way, and that was the remark intended to explode the mine, and it did. For instance, he would say eagerly, excitedly, I once knew a man in New Zealand who hadn't a tooth in his head! Here his animation would die out. A silent, reflective pause would follow, then he would say dreamily, and as if to himself, and yet that man could beat a drum better than any man I ever saw. The pause is an exceedingly important feature in any kind of story, and a frequently recurring feature too. It is a dainty thing and delicate, and also uncertain and treacherous, for it must be exactly the right length, no more and no less, or it fails of its purpose and makes trouble. If the pause is too short, the impressive point has passed, and the audience have had time to divine that a surprise is intended, and then you can't surprise them, of course. On the platform I used to tell a negro ghost story that had a pause in front of the snapper on the end, and that pause was the most important thing in the whole story. If I got at the right length precisely, I could spring the finishing ejaculation with effect enough to make some impressible girl deliver a startle little yelp and jump out of her seat, and that was what I was after. This story was called The Golden Arm, and was told in this fashion, you can practice it with it yourself, and mind you look out for the pause and get it right. The Golden Arm Once upon a time there was a momless, mean man, and he lived way out in the prairie all alone by self, except he had a wife, and by and by she died, and he took and toted her way out down to prairie and bury her. While she had a golden arm, all solid gold, from the shoulder down, he was powerful, mean, powerful, and that night he couldn't sleep, because he want that golden arm so bad. When it come midnight he couldn't stand no more, so he get up, he did, and took his lantern, and shoved off through the storm, and dug her up, and got the golden arm, and then he pinned his head down, and again the wind, and plowed, and plowed, and plowed through the snow, then all of a sudden he stopped, make a considerable pause here, and look startled, and take a listening attitude, and say, My land, what's dead? And he listened, and listened, and then when say, set your teeth together, and imitate the wailing and wheezing sing-song of the wind, and then way back yonder, where the grave is, hear a voice, hear a voice all mix up in the wind, can't hardly tell apart, Bzzz, Bzzz, Oh, God, my golden arm! You must begin to shiver violently now, and he begin to shiver and shake, and say, Oh, my, Oh, my land, and the wind blow the lantern out, and the snow and sleep blow in his face, and most choke him, and he start to plow, and knee deep toward home, most dead, and so scared, and pretty soon he hear a voice again, and pause. It is coming after him, Bzzz, Bzzz, Oh, God, my golden arm! When you get to the pasture he hear again, close to now, and a common, a common back, die in the dark in the storm, repeat the wind and the voice. When you get to the house he rush upstairs and jump in the bed and cure up, head in years, and lay down shivering and shaking, and then way out down he hear it again, and a common, and blimey, he hear, pause, odd listening attitude, bat, bat, bat, it's a common upstairs! Then he hear the latch, and he know it's in the room, then pretty soon he knows it's a standing by the bed, pause, then he knows it's a bending down over him, and he can't scarcely get his breath, then, then he seem to feel something cold right down most again his head, pause, then the voice say, right at his ear, Oh, God, my golden arm! You must wail it out very plaintively and accusingly, then you stare steadily and impressively into the face of the farthest gone auditor, a girl preferably, and let that awe-inspiring pause begin to build itself in the deep hush. When it has reached exactly the right length, jump suddenly at the girl and yell, You've got it! If you've got the pause right she'll fetch a dear little yelp and spring right out of her shoes, but you must get the pause right, and you will find it the most troublesome and aggravating and uncertain thing you ever undertook. End of section 28. This is section 29 of the $30,000 Bequest and Other Stories by Mark Twain. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. General Washington's Negro Body Servant. A Biographical Sketch. The stirring part of this celebrated colored man's life properly began with his death. That is to say the notable features of his biography began with the first time he died. He had been little heard of up to that time, but since then we have never ceased to hear of him. We have never ceased to hear of him at stated, unfailing intervals. His was a most remarkable career, and I have thought that its history would make a valuable addition to our biographical literature. Therefore I have carefully collated the materials for such a work from authentic sources, and here present them to the public. I have rigidly excluded from these pages everything of a doubtful character with the object in view of introducing my work into the schools for the instruction of the youth of my country. The name of the famous body servant of General Washington was George. After serving his illustrious master faithfully for half a century, and enjoying throughout his long term his high regard and confidence, it became his sorrowful duty at last to lay that beloved master to rest in his peaceful grave by the Potomac. Ten years afterward, in 1809, full of years and honors, he died himself, mourned by all who knew him. The Boston Gazette of that date thus refers to the event. George, the favorite body servant of the lamented Washington, died in Richmond, Virginia last Tuesday at the ripe age of ninety-five years. His intellect was unimpaired, and his memory tenacious, up to within a few minutes of his decease. He was present at the second installation of Washington as President, and also at his funeral, and distinctly remembered all the prominent incidents connected with those noted events. From this period we hear no more of the favorite body servant of General Washington until May 1825, at which time he died again. A Philadelphia paper thus speaks of the sad occurrence. At Macon, Georgia last week, a colored man named George, who was the favorite body servant of General Washington, died at the advanced age of ninety-five years. Up to within a few hours of his dissolution, he was in full possession of all his faculties, and could distinctly recollect the second installation of Washington, his death and burial, the surrender of Cornwallis, the battle of Trenton, the griefs and hardships of Valley Forge, etc. Deceased was followed to the grave by the entire population of Macon. On the Fourth of July, 1830, and also of 1834 and 36, the subject of this sketch was exhibited in great state upon the rostrum of the orator of the day, and in November of 1840 he died again. The St. Louis Republican of the Twenty-fifth of that month spoke as follows. Another relic of the revolution gone. George, once the favorite body servant of General Washington, died yesterday at the house of Mr. John Leavenworth in this city at the venerable age of ninety-five years. He was in the full possession of his faculties up to the hour of his death, and distinctly recollected the first and second installations and death of President Washington, the surrender of Cornwallis, the battles of Trenton and Monmouth, the sufferings of the Patriot Army at Valley Forge, the proclamation of the Declaration of Independence, the speech of Patrick Henry in the Virginia House of Delegates, and many other old-time reminiscences of stirring interest. Few white men die lamented as was this aged negro. The funeral was very largely attended. During the next ten or eleven years the subject of this sketch appeared at intervals at Fourth of July celebrations in various parts of the country, and was exhibited upon the rostrum with flattering success. But in the fall of 1855 he died again. The California papers thus speak of the event. Another old hero gone. Died at Dutch Flat on the seventh of March, George, once the confidential body-servant of General Washington, at the great age of ninety-five years. His memory, which did not fail him till the last, was a wonderful storehouse of interesting reminiscences. He could distinctly recollect the first and second installations and death of President Washington, the surrender of Cornwallis, the battles of Trenton and Monmouth and Bunker Hill, the proclamation of the Declaration of Independence, and Braddock's defeat. George was greatly respected in Dutch Flat, and it is estimated that there were ten thousand people present at his funeral. The last time the subject of this sketch died was in June 1864, and until we learn the contrary it is just to presume that he died permanently this time. The Michigan papers thus refer to the sorrowful event. Another cherished remnant of the Revolution gone. George, a colored man and once the favorite body-servant of George Washington, died in Detroit last week at the patriarchal age of ninety-five years. To the moment of his death his intellect was unclouded, and he could distinctly remember the first and second installations and death of Washington, the surrender of Cornwallis, the battles of Trenton and Monmouth and Bunker Hill, the proclamation of the Declaration of Independence, Braddock's defeat, the throwing over of the tea in Boston Harbor, and the landing of the pilgrims. He died greatly respected and was followed to the grave by a vast concourse of people. The faithful old servant is gone. We shall never see him more until he turns up again. He has closed his long and splendid career of dissolution for the present, and sleeps peacefully, as only they sleep who have earned their rest. He was in all respects a remarkable man. He held his age better than any celebrity that has figured in history, and the longer he lived, the stronger and longer his memory grew. If he lives to die again, he will distinctly recollect the discovery of America. The above resume of his biography I believe to be substantially correct, although it is possible that he may have died once or twice in obscure places where the event failed of newspaper notoriety. One fault I find in all notices of his death, which I have quoted, and this ought to be correct. In them he uniformly and impartially died at the age of ninety-five. This could not have been. He might have done that once or maybe twice, but he could not have continued it indefinitely, allowing that when he first died he died at the age of ninety-five. He was a hundred and fifty-one years old when he died last in 1864. But his age did not keep pace with his recollections. When he died the last time he distinctly remembered the landing of the pilgrims, which took place in 1620. He must have been about twenty years old when he witnessed that event, wherefore it is safe to assert that the body servant of General Washington was in the neighborhood of two hundred and sixty or seventy years old when he departed this life finally. Having waited a proper length of time to see if the subject of his sketch had gone from us reliably and irrevocably, I now publish his biography with confidence and respectfully offer it to a mourning nation. P.S. I see by the papers that this infamous old fraud has just died again in Arkansas. This makes six times that he has known to have died and always in a new place. The death of Washington's body servant has ceased to be a novelty. Its charm is gone. The people are tired of it. Let it cease. This well-meaning but misguided Negro has now put six different communities to the expense of burying him in state, and has swindled tens of thousands of people into following him to the grave under the delusion that a select and peculiar distinction was being conferred upon them. Let him stay buried for good now, and let that newspaper suffer the severest censure that shall ever, in all future time, publish to the world that General Washington's favorite colored body servant has died again. End of Section 29 This is Section 30 of the $30,000 Bequest and Other Stories by Mark Twain. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain, with inspirations of the two-year-olds. All infants appear to have an impertinent and disagreeable fashion nowadays of saying smart things on most occasions that offer, and especially on occasions when they ought not to be saying anything at all. Judging by the average published specimens of smart sayings, the rising generation of children are little better than idiots, and the parents must surely be but little better than the children, for in most cases they are the publishers of the sunbursts of infantile imbecility which dazzle us from the pages of our periodicals. I may seem to speak with some heat, not to say a suspicion of personal spite, and I do admit that it nettles me to hear about so many gifted infants in these days, and remember that I seldom said anything smart when I was a child. I tried it once or twice, but it was not popular. The family were not expecting brilliant remarks from me, and so they snubbed me sometimes and spanked me the rest. But it makes my flesh creep and my blood run cold to think what might have happened to me if I had dared to utter some of the smart things of this generation's four-year-olds where my father could hear me. To have simply skinned me alive and considered his duty at an end would have seemed to him criminal leniency toward one so sinning. He was a stern, unsmiling man, and hated all forms of precocity. If I had said some of the things I have referred to and said them in his hearing, he would have destroyed me. He would indeed. He would have provided the opportunity to remain with him. But it would not, for I would have had judgment enough to take some strict nine first, and say my smart thing afterward. The fair record of my life has been tarnished by just one pun. My father overheard that, and he hunted me over four or five townships seeking to take my life. If I had been full-grown, of course he would have been right. But, child as I was, I could not know how wicked a thing I had done. I made one of those remarks ordinarily called smart things before that, but it was not a pun. Still it came near causing a serious rupture between my father and myself. My father and mother, my uncle Ephraim, and his wife, and one or two others were present, and the conversation turned on a name for me. I was lying there trying some India rubber rings of various patterns, and endeavouring to make a selection, where I was tired of trying to cut my teeth on people's fingers, and wanted to get hold of something that would enable me to hurry the thing through and get something else. Did you ever notice what a nuisance it was cutting your teeth on your nurse's finger, or how back-breaking and tiresome it was trying to cut them on your big toe? And did you never get out of patience and wish your teeth were in Jericho long before you got them half-cut? To me it seemed as if these things happened yesterday, and they did, to some children. But I digress. I was lying there trying the India rubber rings. I remember looking at the clock, and noticing that in an hour and twenty-five minutes I would be two weeks old, and thinking how little I had done to merit the blessings that were so unsparingly lavished upon me. My father said, Abraham is a good name. My grandfather was named Abraham. My mother said, Abraham is a good name. Very well. Let us have Abraham for one of his names. I said, Abraham suits the subscriber! My father frowned. My mother looked pleased. My aunt said, What a little darling it is! My father said, Isaac is a good name, and Jacob is a good name. My mother assented and said, No names are better. Let us add Isaac and Jacob to his names. I said, All right! Isaac and Jacob are good enough for yours truly. Pass me that rattle, if you please. I can't chew India rubber rings all day. Not a soul made a memorandum of these sayings of mine for publication. I saw that and did it myself, else they would have been utterly lost. So far from meeting with a generous encouragement like other children when developing intellectually, I was now furiously scowled upon by my father. My mother looked grieved and anxious, and even my aunt had about her an expression of seeming to think that maybe I had gone too far. I took a vicious bite out of an India rubber ring, and covertly broke the rattle over the kitten's head, but said nothing. Presently my father said, Samuel is a very excellent name. I saw that trouble was coming. Nothing could prevent it. I laid down my rattle. Over the side of the cradle I dropped my uncle's silver watch, the clothes brush, the toy dog, my tin soldier, the nutmeg grater, and other matters which I was accustomed to examine, and meditate upon and make pleasant noises with, and bang and batter and break when I needed wholesome entertainment. Then I put on my little frock and my little bonnet, and took my pygmy shoes in one hand and my licorice in the other, and climbed out on the floor. I said to myself, Now if the worst comes to worst, I am ready. Then I said aloud in a firm voice, Father, I cannot, cannot wear the name of Samuel. My son, Father, I mean it, I cannot. Why? Father, I have an invincible antipathy to that name. My son, this is unreasonable. Many great and good men have been named Samuel. Sir, I have yet to hear of the first instance. What? There was Samuel the Prophet. Was not he great and good? Not so very. My son, with his own voice the Lord called him. Yes, sir, and had to call him a couple of times before he could come. And then I salied forth, and that stern old man salied forth after me. He overtook me at noon the following day, and when the interview was over I had acquired the name of Samuel, and a thrashing, and other useful information. And by means of this compromise my father's wrath was appeased, and a misunderstanding bridged over which might have become a permanent rupture if I had chosen to be unreasonable. But just judging by this episode, what would my father have done to me if I had ever uttered in his hearing one of the flat, sickly things these two-year-olds say in print nowadays? In my opinion there would have been a case of infanticide in our family. End of Section 30. This is Section 31 of the $30,000 Bequest and Other Stories by Mark Twain. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. An Entertaining Article I take the following paragraph from an article in the Boston Advertiser. An English Critic on Mark Twain. Perhaps the most successful flights of humor of Mark Twain have been descriptions of the persons who did not appreciate his humor at all. We have become familiar with the Californians who were thrilled with terror by his burlesque of a newspaper reporter's way of telling a story, and we have heard of the Pennsylvania clergyman who sadly returned his innocence abroad to the book agent with the remark that the man who could shed tears over the tomb of Adam must be an idiot. But Mark Twain may now add a much more glorious instance to his string of trophies. The Saturday Review, in its number of October 8, reviews his book of travels, which has been republished in England, and reviews it seriously. We can imagine the delight of the humorist in reading this tribute to his power, and indeed it is so amusing in itself that he can hardly do better than reproduce the article in full in his next monthly memoranda. Publishing the above paragraph thus gives me a sort of authority for reproducing the Saturday Review's article in full in these pages. I dearly wanted to do it, for I cannot write anything half so delicious myself. If I had a cast iron dog that could read this English criticism and preserve his austerity, I would drive him off the doorstep. From the London Saturday Review Reviews of New Books The Innocence Abroad A Book of Travels, by Mark Twain London Houghton Publisher, 1870 Lord Macaulay died too soon. We never felt this so deeply as when we finished the last chapter of the above-named extravagant work. Macaulay died too soon, for none but he could meet out complete and comprehensive justice to the insolence, the impertinence, the presumption, the mendacity, and, above all, the majestic ignorance of this author. To say that the Innocence Abroad is a curious book would be to use the faintest language, would be to speak of the Matterhorn as a neat elevation, or of Niagara as being nice or pretty. Curious is too tame a word wherewith to describe the imposing insanity of this work. There is no word that is large enough or long enough. Let us therefore photograph a passing glimpse of book and author, and trust the rest to the reader. Let the cultivated English student of human nature picture to himself this Mark Twain as a person capable of doing the following described things, and not only doing them, but with incredible innocence printing them calmly and tranquilly in a book. For instance, he states that he entered a hairdressers in Paris to get shaved, and the first rake the barber gave him with his razor it loosened his hide, and lifted him out of the chair. This is unquestionably exaggerated. In Florence he was so annoyed by beggars that he pretends to have seized and eaten one in a frantic spirit of revenge. There is, of course, no truth in this. He gives at full length a theatrical program seventeen or eighteen hundred years old which he professes to have found in the ruins of the Coliseum, among the dirt and mould and rubbish. It is a sufficient comment upon this statement to remark that even a cast iron program would not have lasted so long under such circumstances. In Greece he plainly betrays both fright and flight upon one occasion, but with frozen effrontery puts the latter in this falsely tamed form we sidled toward the Piraeus. Sidled indeed, he does not hesitate to intimate that at Ephesus, when his mules strayed from the proper course, he got down, took him under his arm, carried him to the road again, pointed him right, remounted, and went to sleep contentedly till it was time to restore the beast to the path once more. He states that a growing youth among his ship's passengers was in the constant habit of appeasing his hunger with soap and oakum between meals. In Palestine he tells of ants that came eleven miles to spend the summer in the desert and brought their provisions with them, yet he shows by his description of the country that the feat was an impossibility. He mentions, as if it were the most common place of matters, that he caught a Muslim in two in broad daylight in Jerusalem, with Godfrey de Bouillon's sword, and would have shed more blood if he had had a graveyard of his own. These statements are unworthy a moment's attention. Mr. Twain, or any other foreigner who did such a thing in Jerusalem, would be mobbed and would infallibly lose his life. But why go on? Why repeat more of his audacious and exasperating falsehoods? Let us close fittingly with this one. He affirms that, in the mosque of St. Sophia at Constantinople, I got my feet so stuck up with a complication of gums, slime, and general impurity that I wore out more than two thousand pair of bootjacks getting my boots off that night, and even then some Christian hide peeled off with them. It is monstrous. Such statements are simply lies. There is no other name for them. Will the reader longer marvel at the brutal ignorance that pervades the American nation when we tell him that we are informed upon perfectly good authority that this extravagant compilation of falsehoods, this exhaustless mine of stupendous lies, this innocence abroad, has actually been adopted by the schools and colleges of several of the states as a text book. But if his falsehoods are distressing, his innocence and his ignorance are enough to make one burn the book and despise the author. In one place he was so appalled at the sudden spectacle of a murdered man, unveiled by the moonlight, that he jumped out of the window, going through sash and all, and then remarks with the most childlike simplicity that he was not scared, but was considerably agitated. It puts us out of patience to note that the simpleton is densely unconscious that Lucretia Borgia ever existed off the stage. He is vulgarly ignorant of all foreign languages, but is frank enough to criticize the Italian's use of their own tongue. He says they spell the name of their great painter, Vinci, but pronounce it Vinci, and then adds with a naivete, possible only to helpless ignorance, foreigners always spell better than they pronounce. In another place he commits the bald absurdity of putting the phrase Tare on Owens into an Italian's mouth. In Rome he unhesitatingly believes the legend that St. Philip Neri's heart was so inflamed with divine love that it burst his ribs, believes it wholly because an author with a learned list of university degrees strung after his name endorses it. Otherwise, says this gentle idiot, I should have felt a curiosity to know what Philip had for dinner. Our author makes a long, fatiguing journey to the Grotto del Cane, on purpose, to test his poisoning powers on a dog, and got elaborately ready for the experiment, and then discovered that he had no dog. A wiser person would have kept such a thing discreetly to himself, but with this harmless creature everything comes out. He hurts his foot in a rut two thousand years old in exhumed Pompeii, and presently when staring at one of the cinder-like corpses unearthed in the next square conceives the idea that maybe it is the remains of the ancient street-commissioner, and straightway his horror softens down to a sort of chirpy contentment with the condition of things. In Damascus he visits the well of Ananias, three thousand years old, and is as surprised and delighted as a child to find that the water is as pure and fresh as if the well had been dug yesterday. In the Holy Land he gags desperately at the hard Arabic and Hebrew Biblical names, and finally concludes to call them Baldwinsville, Williamsburg, and so on, for convenience of spelling. We have thus spoken freely of this man's stupefying simplicity and innocence, but we cannot deal similarly with his colossal ignorance. We do not know where to begin, and if we knew where to begin we certainly would not know where to leave off. We will give one specimen and one only. He did not know, until he got to Rome, that Michael Angelo was dead, and then, instead of crawling away and hiding his shameful ignorance somewhere, he proceeds to express a pious, grateful sort of satisfaction that he is gone and out of his troubles. Now the reader may seek out the author's exhibition of his uncultivation for himself. The book is absolutely dangerous, considering the magnitude and variety of its misstatements, and the convincing confidence with which they are made, and yet it is a textbook in the schools of America. The poor, blunderer mouses among the sublime creations of the old masters trying to acquire the elegant proficiency and art knowledge, which he has a groping sort of comprehension, is a proper thing for a traveled man to be able to display. But what is the manner of his study, and what is the progress he achieves? To what extent does he familiarize himself with the great pictures of Italy, and what degree of appreciation does he arrive at? Read. When we see a monk going about with a lion and looking up into heaven, we know that that is St. Mark. When we see a monk with a book and a pen, looking tranquilly up to heaven, trying to think of a word, we know that that is St. Matthew. When we see a monk sitting on a rock, looking tranquilly up to heaven, with a human skull beside him and without other baggage, we know that that is St. Jerome, because we know that he always went flying light in the matter of baggage. When we see other monks looking tranquilly up to heaven, but having no trademark, we always ask who those parties are. We do this because we humbly wish to learn. He then enumerates the thousands and thousands of copies of these several pictures which he has seen, and adds with a custom simplicity that he feels encouraged to believe that when he has seen some more of each, and had a larger experience, he will eventually begin to take an absorbing interest in them, the vulgar boar. That we have shown this to be a remarkable book we think no one will deny, that it is a pernicious book to place in the hands of the confiding and uninformed we think we have also shown, that the book is a deliberate and wicked creation of a diseased mind is apparent upon every page. Having placed our judgment thus upon record, let us close with what charity we can by remarking that even in this volume there is some good to be found. For whenever the author talks of his own country and lets Europe alone, he never fails to make himself interesting, and not only interesting but instructive. No one can read without benefit his occasional chapters and paragraphs about life in the gold and silver mines of California and Nevada, about the Indians of the plains and deserts of the West, and their cannibalism, about the raising of vegetables in kegs of gunpowder by the aid of two or three teaspoons of guano, about the moving of small farms from place to place at night, in wheel-barrows, to avoid taxes, and about a sort of cows and mules in the humbled mines that climb down chimneys and disturb the people at night. These matters are not only new, but are well worth knowing. It is a pity the author did not put in more of the same kind. His book is well written and is exceedingly entertaining, and so it just barely escaped being quite valuable also. One Month Later Laterly I have received several letters, and see a number of newspaper paragraphs, all upon a certain subject, and all of about the same tenor. I here give honest assessments. One is from a New York paper, one is from a letter from an old friend, and one is from a letter from a New York publisher who is a stranger to me. I humbly endeavour to make these bits toothsome with the remark that the article they are praising, which appeared in the December Galaxy, and pretended to be a criticism from the London Saturday Review on my Innocence Abroad, was written by myself every line of it. The Herald says the richest thing out is the serious critique in the London Saturday Review on Mark Twain's Innocence Abroad. We thought, before we read it, that it must be serious, as everybody said so, and we're even ready to shed a few tears, but since perusing it we are bound to confess that next to Mark Twain's jumping frog it's the best bit of humour and sarcasm that we've come across in many a day. I do not get a compliment like that every day. I used to think that your writings were pretty good, but after reading the criticism in the Galaxy from the London Review have discovered what an ass I must have been. If suggestions are in order, mine is, that you put that article in your next edition of the Innocence as an extra chapter. If you are not afraid to put your own humour in competition with it, it is as rich a thing as I ever read, which is strong commendation from a book publisher. The London Reviewer, my friend, is not the stupid, serious creature he pretends to be, I think, but on the contrary has a keen appreciation and enjoyment of your book. As I read his article in The Galaxy I could imagine him giving vent to many a hearty laugh, but he is writing for Catholics and established church people, and high-toned, antiquated, conservative gentility, whom it is a delight to him to help you shock, while he pretends to shake his head with owlish density. He is a magnificent humorist himself. Now that is graceful and handsome. I take off my hat to my lifelong friend and comrade, and with my feet together and my fingers spread over my heart I say in the language of Alabama, you do me proud. I stand guilty of the authorship of the article, but I did not mean any harm. I saw by an item in the Boston Advertiser that a solemn, serious critique on the English edition of my book had appeared in the London Saturday Review, and the idea of such a literary breakfast by a stolid, ponderous British ogre of the quill was too much for a naturally weak virtue, and I went home and burlesked it, reveled in it, I may say. I never saw a copy of the real Saturday Review criticism until after my burlesque was written and mailed to the printer, but when I did get hold of a copy, I found it to be vulgar, awkwardly written, ill-natured, and entirely serious and in earnest. The gentleman who wrote the newspaper paragraph above quoted had not been misled as to its character. If any man doubts my word now, I will kill him. Now I will not kill him. I will win his money. I will bet him twenty to one, and let any New York publisher hold the stakes, that the statements I have above made as to the authorship of the article in question are entirely true. Perhaps I may get wealthy at this, for I am willing to take all the bets that offer, and if a man wants larger odds, I will give him all he requires. But he ought to find out whether I am betting on what his termed a sure thing or not before he ventures his money, and he can do that by going to a public library and examining the London Saturday Review of October 8, which contains the real article. Bless me, some people thought that I was the sold person. P.S. I cannot resist the temptation to toss in this most savoury thing of all, this easy, graceful philosophical disquisition with his happy chirping confidence. It is from the Cincinnati Inquirer. Nothing is more uncertain than the value of a fine cigar. Nine smokers out of ten would prefer an ordinary domestic article, three for a quarter, to a fifty cent partaga, if kept in ignorance of the cost of the latter. The flavour of the partaga is too delicate for palates that have been accustomed to Connecticut seed-leaf, so it is with humour. The finer it is in quality, the more danger of its not being recognised at all. Even Mark Twain has been taken in by an English review of his Innocence Abroad. Mark Twain is by no means a coarse humourist, but the Englishman's humour is so much finer than his that he mistakes it for solid earnest, and laughs most consumedly. A man who cannot learn stands in his own light. Hereafter, when I write an article which I know to be good, but which I may have reason to fear will not in some quarters be considered too amount too much, coming from an American, I will aver that an Englishman wrote it, and that it is copied from a London journal, and then I will occupy a back seat, and enjoy the cordial applause. Still later. Mark Twain at last sees that the Saturday review's criticism of his Innocence Abroad was not serious, and he is intensely mortified at the thought of having been so badly sold. He takes the only course left him, and in the last Galaxy claims that he wrote the criticism himself, and published it in the Galaxy to sell the public. This is ingenious, but unfortunately it is not true. If any of our readers will take the trouble to call at this office, we will show them the original article in the Saturday review of October 8th, which, on comparison, will be found to be identical with the one published in the Galaxy. The best thing for Mark to do will be to admit that he was sold, and say no more about it. The above is from the Cincinnati Inquirer, and is a falsehood. Come to the proof. If the Inquirer people, through any agent, will produce at the Galaxy office a London Saturday review of October 8th, containing an article which, on comparison, will be found to be identical with the one published in the Galaxy, I will pay to that agent $500 cash. Moreover, if at any specified time I fail to produce at the same place a copy of the London Saturday review of October 8th, containing a lengthy criticism upon the Innocence Abroad, entirely different in every paragraph and sentence from the one I published in the Galaxy, I will pay to the Inquirer agent another $500 cash. I offer Sheldon and Company publishers 500 Broadway, New York, as my backers. Anyone in New York authorized by the Inquirer will received prompt attention. It is an easy and profitable way for the Inquirer people to prove that they have not uttered a pitiful, deliberate falsehood in the above paragraphs. Will they swallow that falsehood ignominiously, or will they send an agent to the Galaxy office? I think the Cincinnati Inquirer must be edited by children. End of Section 31. This is Section 32 of the $30,000 bequest and other stories by Mark Twain. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. A letter to the Secretary of the Treasury, Riverdale on the Hudson, October 15, 1902. The Honorable, the Secretary of the Treasury, Washington, D.C. Sir, prices for the customary kinds of winter fuel having reached an altitude which puts them out of the reach of literary persons in straightened circumstances, I desire to place with you the following order. Forty-five tons best old dry government bonds, suitable for furnace, gold, seven percent, 1864 preferred. Twelve tons early greenbacks, range, size, suitable for cooking. Eight barrels seasoned, twenty-five and fifty-cent postal currency, vintage of 1866, eligible for kindlings. Please deliver with all convenient dispatch at my house in Riverdale at lowest rates for spot cash, and send bill to your obliged servant, Mark Twain, who will be very grateful and will vote right. Amended Obituaries To the Editor Sir. I am approaching seventy. It is in sight. It is only three years away. Necessarily I must go soon. It is but matter of course wisdom, then, that I should begin to set my worldly house in order now, so that it may be done calmly and with thoroughness, in place of waiting until the last day, and as we have often seen, the attempt to set both houses in order at the same time has been marred by the necessity for haste, and by the confusion and waste of time arising from the inability of the notary and the ecclesiastic to work together harmoniously, taking turn about and giving each other friendly assistance, not perhaps in fielding, which could hardly be expected, but at least in the minor offices of keeping game and umpiring, by consequence of which conflict of interests and absence of harmonious action, a draw has frequently resulted where this ill fortune could not have happened if the houses had been set in order one at a time and hurry avoided by beginning in season, and giving to each the amount of time fairly and justly proper to it. In setting my earthly house in order I find it of moment that I should attend in person to one or two matters, which men in my position have long had the habit of leaving wholly to others, with consequences often most regrettable. I wish to speak of only one of these matters at this time—obituaries. Of necessity an obituary is a thing which cannot be so judiciously edited by any hand as by that of the subject of it. In such a work it is not the facts that are of chief importance, but the light which the obituaris shall throw upon them, the meaning which he shall dress them in, the conclusions which he shall draw from them, and the judgments which he shall deliver upon them. The verdicts, you understand. That is the danger line. In considering this matter in view of my approaching change it has seemed to me wise to take such measures as may be feasible to acquire, by courtesy of the press, access to my standing obituaries, with the privilege, if this is not asking too much, of editing, not their facts, but their verdicts. This not for the present profit, further than as concerns my family, but as a favorable influence usable on the other side, where there are some who are not friendly to me. With this explanation of my motives I will now ask you of your courtesy to make an appeal for me to the public press. It is my desire that such journals and periodicals as have obituaries of me lying in their pigeon-holes, with a view to sudden use some day, will not wait longer, but will publish them now, and kindly send me a marked copy. My address is simply New York City. I have no other that is permanent and not transient. I will correct them, not the facts, but the verdicts, striking out such clauses as could have a deleterious influence on the other side, and replacing them with clauses of a more judicious character. I should of course expect to pay double rates for both the omissions and the substitutions, and I should also expect to pay quadruple rates for all obituaries which prove to be rightly and wisely worded in the originals, thus requiring no commendations at all. It is my desire to leave these amended obituaries neatly bound behind me as a perennial consolation and entertainment to my family, and as an heirloom, which shall have a mournful but definite commercial value for my remote posterity. I beg, sir, that you will insert this advertisement, one T-E-O-W, agate, inside, and send the bill to, yours very respectfully, Mark Twain. P.S., for the best obituary, one suitable for me to read in public and calculate it to inspire regret, I desire to offer a prize consisting of a portrait of me done entirely by myself and penned an ink without previous instructions. The ink warranted to be the kind used by the very best artists. End of Section 32. Someone has revealed to the Tribune that I once suggested to Reverend Thomas K. Beecher of Elmira, New York, that we get up a monument to Adam and that Mr. Beecher favored the project. There is more to it than that. The matter started as a joke, but it came somewhat near to materializing. It is long ago, thirty years, Mr. Darwin's descent of man had been in print five or six years, and the storm of indignation raised by it was still raging in pulpits and periodicals. In tracing the genesis of the human race back to its sources Mr. Darwin had left Adam out altogether. We had monkeys and missing links and plenty of other kinds of ancestors, but no Adam. Jesting with Mr. Beecher and other friends in Elmira, I said there seemed to be a likelihood that the world would discard Adam and accept the monkey and that in the course of time Adam's very name would be forgotten in the earth. Therefore this calamity ought to be averted. A monument would accomplish this and Elmira ought not to waste this honorable opportunity to do Adam a favor and herself a credit. Then the unexpected happened. Two bankers came forward and took hold of the matter, not for fun, not for sentiment, but because they saw in the monument certain commercial advantages for the town. The project had seemed gently humorous before, it was more than that now, with this stern business gravity injected into it, the bankers discussed the monument with me. We met several times. They proposed an indestructible memorial to cost twenty-five thousand dollars. The insane oddity of a monument set up in a village to preserve a name that would outlast the hills and the rocks without any such help would advertise Elmira to the ends of the earth and draw custom. It would be the only monument on the planet to Adam, and in the matter of interest and impressiveness could never have a rival until somebody should set up a monument to the Milky Way. People would come from every corner of the globe and stop off to look at it. No tour of the world would be complete that left out Adam's monument. Elmira would be a mecca. There would be pilgrim ships at pilgrim rates, pilgrim specials on the continent's railways. Libraries would be written about the monument. Every tourist would kodak it. Models of it would be for sale everywhere in the earth. Its form would become as familiar as the figure of Napoleon. One of the bankers subscribed five thousand dollars, and I think the other one subscribed half as much, but I do not remember with certainty now whether that was the figure or not. We got designs made. Some of them came from Paris. In the beginning, as a detail of the project when it was yet a joke, I had framed a humble and beseeching and preferred petition to Congress begging the government to build the monument as a testimony of the great Republic's gratitude to the father of the human race and as a token of her loyalty to him in this dark day of his humiliation when his older children were doubting him and deserting him. It seemed to me that this petition ought to be presented now. It would be widely and feelingly abused and ridiculed and cursed, and would advertise our scheme and make our ground floor stock go off briskly. So I sent it to General Joseph R. Hawley, who was then in the house, and he said he would present it, but he did not do it. I think he explained that when he came to read it he was afraid of it. It was too serious, too gushy, too sentimental. The house might take it for earnest. We ought to have carried out our monument scheme. We could have managed it without any great difficulty, and O'Meira would now be the most celebrated town in the universe. Very recently I began to build a book in which one of the minor characters touches incidentally upon a project for a monument to Adam, and now the Tribune has come upon a trace of the forgotten jest of thirty years ago. Apparently mental telegraphy is still in business. It is odd, but the freaks of mental telegraphy are usually odd. A humane word from Satan. The following letter, signed by Satan and purporting to come from him, we have reason to believe, was not written by him, but by Mark Twain, editor. To the editor of Harper's Weekly. Dear Sir and Kinsman, let us have done with this frivolous talk. The American Board accepts contributions from me every year. Then why shouldn't it from Mr. Rockefeller? In all the ages, three-fourths of the support of the great charities has been conscience money, as my books will show. Then what becomes of the sting when that term is applied to Mr. Rockefeller's gift? The American Board's trade is financed mainly from the graveyards. Bequests, you understand, conscience money. Confession of an old crime and deliberate perpetration of a new one, for deceased contribution, is a robbery of his heirs. Shall the Board decline bequests, because they stand for one of these offenses every time and generally for both? Allow me to continue. The charge most persistently and resentfully and remorselessly dwelt upon is that Mr. Rockefeller's contribution is incurably tainted by perjury. Perjury proved against him in the courts. It makes a smile down in my place. Because there isn't a rich man in your vast city who doesn't perjure himself every year before the tax board. They are all caked with perjury, many layers thick. Iron cloud, so to speak. If there is one that isn't, I desire to acquire him for my museum, and will pay dinosaur rates. Will you say it isn't infraction of the law, but only annual evasion of it? Comfort yourselves with that nice distinction, if you like, for the present. But by and by when you arrive I will show you something interesting, a whole hellful of evaders. Sometimes a frank lawbreaker turns up elsewhere, but I get those others every time. To return to my muttons, I wish you to remember that my rich perjurers are contributing to the American Board with frequency. It is money filched from the sworn-off personal tax. Therefore it is the wages of sin. Therefore it is my money. Therefore it is I that contributed. And finally, it is therefore, as I have said, since the Board daily accepts contributions from me, why should it decline them from Mr. Rockefeller, who is as good as I am, let the courts say what they may. Satan. End of Section 33. This is Section 34 of the $30,000 Bequest and Other Stories by Mark Twain. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. Introduction to the New Guide of the Conversation in Portuguese and English by Pedro Carolina. In this world of uncertainties there is, at any rate, one thing which may be pretty confidently set down as a certainty, and that is that this celebrated little phrase book will never die while the English language lasts. Its delicious unconscious ridiculousness and its enchanting naivete are as supreme and unapproachable in their way as our Shakespeare's sublimities. What so ever is perfect in its kind, in literature, is imperishable. Nobody can add to the absurdity of this book. Nobody can imitate it successfully. Nobody can hope to produce its fellow. It is perfect. It must and will stand alone. Its immortality is secure. It is one of the smallest books in the world, but few big books have received such wide attention, and been so much pondered by the grave and learned, and so much discussed and written about by the thoughtful, the thoughtless, the wise, and the foolish. Long notices of it have appeared, from time to time, in the great English reviews, and in erudite and authoritative philological periodicals. And it has been laughed at, danced upon, and tossed in a blanket by nearly every newspaper and magazine in the English-speaking world. Every scribbler, almost, has had his little fling at it, at one time or another. I had mine fifteen years ago. The book gets out of print, every now and then, and one ceases to hear of it for a season, but presently the nations and near and far colonies of our tongue and lineage call for it once more, and once more it issues from some London or Continental or American press, and runs a new course around the globe, wafted on its way by the wind of a world's laughter. Many persons have believed that this book's miraculous stupidities were studied and disingenuous, but no one can read the volume carefully through and keep that opinion. It was written in serious good faith and deep earnestness by an honest and upright idiot who believed he knew something with the English language and could impart his knowledge to others. The amplest proof of this crops out somewhere or other upon each and every page. There are sentences in the book which could have been manufactured by a man in his right mind, and with an intelligent and deliberate purpose to seem innocently ignorant, but there are other sentences and paragraphs which no mere pretended ignorance could ever achieve, nor yet even the most genuine and comprehensive ignorance when unbacked by inspiration. It is not a fraud who speaks in the following paragraph of the author's preface, but a good man, an honest man, a man whose conscience is at rest, a man who believes he has done a high and worthy work for his nation and his generation, and is well pleased with his performance. We expect, then, who the little book, for the care what we wrote him and for her typographical correction, that may be worth the acceptation of the studious persons and especially of the youth at which we dedicate him particularly. One cannot open this book anywhere and not find richness to prove that this is true. I will open it at random and copy the page I happen to stumble upon. Here is the result. Dialogue 16. For to see the town. Anathony go to a company they gentiles men, do they see the town. We want to see all that is it. Remarkable here. Come with me, if you please. I shall not forget nothing what come to merit your attention. Here we are near to Cathedral. Will you come in there? We will first to see him in outside, after we shall go in there for to look the interior. Admire this master piece gothic architectures. The chasing of all they figures is astonishing indeed. The cupula and the nave are not less curious to see. What is this palace how I see yonder? It is the town hall. And this tower here at this side? It is the observatory. The bridge is very fine. It have ten arches and is constructed of free stone. The streets are very laid out by line and two paved. What is the circuit of this town? Two leagues. There is it also hospitals here? It not fail them. What are then the edifices the worthest to have seen? It is the arson hall. The spectacles hall. The kushum house. And the purse. We are going to see the others monuments such that the public pawnbrokers office. The plants gardens. The money offices. The library. That it shall be for another day. We are tired. Dialogue seventeen. To inform one self of a person. How is that gentleman who did speak by and by is a German? I did think him Englishman. He is of the Saxony side. He speak the French very well. Tough he is German. He speaks so much well Italian, French, Spanish, and English that among the Italians they believe him Italian. He speak the French as the Frenches themselves. The Spanish's men believe him Spanishing. And the English's Englishman. It is difficult to enjoy well so much several languages. The last remark contains a general truth. But it ceases to be a truth when one contracts it and applies it to an individual. Provided that that individual is the author of this book, Senor Pedro Carolino, I am sure I should not find it difficult to enjoy well so much several languages, or even a thousand of them, if he did the translating for me from the originals into his ostensible English. End of Section 34 This is Section 35 of The $30,000 Bequest and Other Stories by Mark Twain. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. Advice to little girls Good little girls ought not to make mouths at their teachers for every trifling offence. This retaliation should only be resorted to under peculiarly aggravated circumstances. If you have nothing but a rag doll stuffed with sawdust while one of your more fortunate little playmates has a costly China one, you should treat her with a show of kindness nevertheless, and you ought not to attempt to make a forcible swap with her unless your conscience would justify you in it and you know you are able to do it. You ought never to take your little brother's chewing-gum away from him by main force. It is better to rope him in with the promise of the first two dollars and a half you find floating down the river on a grindstone, in the artless simplicity natural to this time of life he will regard it as a perfectly fair transaction. In all ages of the world this eminently plausible fiction has lured the obtuse infant to financial ruin and disaster. If at any time you find it necessary to correct your brother, do not correct him with mud, never on any account throw mud at him because it will spoil his clothes. It is better to scald him a little, for then you obtain desirable results. You secure his immediate attention to the lessons you are inculcating, and at the same time your hot water will have a tendency to move impurities from his person and possibly the skin in spots. If your mother tells you to do a thing, it is wrong to reply that you won't. It is better and more becoming to intimate that you will do as she bids you and then afterward act quietly in the matter according to the dictates of your best judgment. You should ever bear in mind that it is to your kind parents that you are indebted for your food and your nice bed and for your beautiful clothes and for the privilege of staying home from school when you let on that you are sick. Therefore you ought to respect their little prejudices and humor their little whims and put up with their little foibles until they get to crowding you too much. Good little girls always show marked deference for the aged. You ought never to sass old people unless they sass you first. In Philadelphia they have a custom which it would be pleasant to see adopted throughout the land. It is that of appending to published death notices a little verse or two of comforting poetry. Anyone who is in the habit of reading the daily Philadelphia ledger must frequently be touched by these plaintive tributes to extinguished worth. In Philadelphia the departure of a child is a circumstance which is not more surely followed by a burial than by the accustomed solaceing poetry in the public ledger. In that city death loses half its terror because the knowledge of its presence comes thus disguised in the sweet drapery of verse. For instance, in a late ledger I find the following. I change the surname. Died. Hawks. On the seventeenth instant Clara, the daughter of Ephraim and Laura Hawks, aged twenty-one months and two days. That merry shout no more I hear, no laughing child I see, no little arms are around my neck, no feet upon my knee. No kisses drop upon my cheek, these lips are sealed to me. Dear Lord, how could I give Clara up to any but to thee? A child thus mourned could not die wholly discontented. From the ledger of the same date I make the following extract merely changing the surname as before. Becket. On Sunday morning, nineteenth instant, John Peay, infant son of George and Julia Becket, aged one year, six months and fifteen days. That merry shout no more I hear, no laughing child I see, no little arms are around my neck, no feet upon my knee. No kisses drop upon my cheek, these lips are sealed to me. Dear Lord, how could I give Johnny up to any but to thee? The similarity of the emotion as produced in the mourners in these two instances is remarkably evidenced by the singular similarity of thought which they experienced and the surprising coincidence of language used by them to give it expression. In the same journal of the same date I find the following, surname suppressed as before. Wagner. On the tenth, inst. Ferguson G., the son of William L. and Martha Teresa Wagner, aged four weeks and one day. That merry shout no more I hear, no laughing child I see, no little arms are round my neck, no feet upon my knee. No kisses drop upon my cheek, these lips are sealed to me. Dear Lord, how could I give Ferguson up to any but to thee? It is strange what power the reiteration of an essentially political thought has upon one's feelings. When we take up the ledger and read the poetry about little Clara, we feel an unaccountable depression of the spirits. When we drift further down the column and read the poetry about little Johnny, the depression of spirits acquires an added emphasis, and we experience tangible suffering. When we saunter along down the column further still and read the poetry about little Ferguson, the word torture but vaguely suggests the anguish that rends us. In the ledger, same copy referred to above, I find the following, I alter surname as usual. Welch, on the fifth, inst, Mary C. Welch, wife of William B. Welch, and daughter of Catherine and George W. Markland, in the twenty-ninth year of her age. A mother dear, a mother kind, has gone and left us all behind, cease to weep for tears are vain, mother dear is out of pain. Farewell husband, children dear, serve thy God with filial fear, and meet me in the land above, where all is peace and joy and love. What could be sweeter than that? No collection of salient facts, without reduction to tabular form, could be more succinctly stated than is done in the first stanza by the surviving relatives, and no more concise and comprehensive program of farewells, post mortuary general orders, etc., could be framed in any form than is done in verse, by deceased, in the last stanza. These things insensibly make us wiser and tenderer, and better. Another extract. Ball, on the morning of the fifteenth, inst, Mary E., and daughter of John and Sarah F. Ball. Tis sweet to rest in lively hope that when my change shall come angels will hover round my bed to waft my spirit home. The following is apparently the customary form for heads of families. Burns, on the twentieth inst. Michael Burns, aged forty years. Dearest father, thou hast left us. Here thy loss we deeply feel. But tis God that has bereft us, he can all our sorrows heal. Funeral, two o'clock, sharp. There is something very simple and pleasant about the following, which, in Philadelphia, seems to be the usual form for consumptives of long standing. It deplores four distinct cases in the single copy of the ledger, which lies on the Memoranda editorial table. Bromley, on the twenty-ninth inst. of consumption. Philip Bromley, in the fiftieth year of his age. Affliction soar long time he bore. Physicians were in vain, till God at last did hear him mourn and eased him of his pain. That friend whom death from us has torn, we did not think so soon to part. An anxious care now sinks the thorn still deeper in our bleeding heart. This beautiful creation loses nothing by repetition. On the contrary, the oftener one sees it in the ledger, the more grand and awe-inspiring it seems. With one more extract I will close. Dobel, on the fourth inst. Samuel Pervel Worthington Dobel, aged four days. Our little Sammy's gone. His tiny spirits fled. Our little boy we loved so dear lie sleeping with the dead. A tear within a father's eye, a mother's aching heart, can only tell the agony how hard it is to part. Could anything be more plaintive than that without requiring further concessions of grammar? Could anything be likely to do more toward reconciling deceased to circumstances and making him willing to go? Perhaps not. The power of song can hardly be estimated. There is an element about some poetry which is able to make even physical suffering and death cheerful things to contemplate and consummation to be desired. This element is present in the mortuary poetry of Philadelphia degree of development. The custom I have been treating of is one that should be adopted in all the cities of the land. It is said that once a man of small consequence died, and the reverent T. K. Beecher was asked to preach the funeral sermon—a man who abhors the louding of people, either dead or alive, except in dignified and simple language, and then only for merits which they actually possessed or possess, not merits which they merely ought to have possessed. The friends of the deceased got up a stately funeral. They must have had misgivings that the corpse might not be praised strongly enough, for they prepared some manuscript headings and notes in which nothing was left unsaid on that subject that a fervid imagination and an unabridged dictionary could compile, and these they handed to the minister as he entered the pulpit. They were merely intended as suggestions, and so the friends were filled with consternation when the minister stood in the pulpit and proceeded to read off the curious odds and ends in ghastly detail and in a loud voice, and their consternation solidified to petrification when he paused at the end, contemplated the multitude reflectively, and then said impressively, The man would be a fool who tried to add anything to that. Let us pray. And with the same strict adhesion to truth it can be said that the man would be a fool who tried to add anything to the following transcendent obituary poem. There is something so innocent, so guileless, so complacent, so unearthly serene, and so satisfied about this peerless hogwash that the man must be made of stone who can read it without a dulcet ecstasy creeping along his backbone and quivering in his marrow. There is no need to say that this poem is genuine and in earnest for its proofs are written all over its face. An ingenious scribbler might imitate it after a fashion, but Shakespeare himself could not counterfeit it. It is noticeable that the country editor who published it did not know that it was a treasure, and the most perfect thing of its kind that the storehouses and museums of literature could show. He did not dare to say no to the dread poet, for such a poet must have been something of an apparition. But he just shoveled it into his paper, anywhere that came handy, and felt ashamed, and put that disgusted, published by request, over it, and hoped that his subscribers would overlook it or not feel an impulse to read it. Published by request. Lines. Composed on the death of Samuel and Catherine Belknap's children by M. A. Glaze. Friends and neighbors all draw near and listen to what I have to say, and never leave your children dear when they are small and go away. But always think of that sad fate that happened in year of sixty-three. Four children with a house did burn. Think of their awful agony. Their mother, she had gone away, and left them there alone to stay. The house took fire and down did burn, before their mother did return. Their piteous cry the neighbors heard, and then the cry of fire was given, but ah, before they could them reach, their little spirits had flown to heaven. Their father, he to war, had gone, and on the battlefield was slain. And little did he think when he went away, but what on earth they would meet again. The neighbors often told his wife not to leave his children there unless she got some one to stay, and of the little ones take care. The oldest he was years not six, and the youngest only eleven months old, but often she had left them there alone, as by the neighbors I have been told. How can she bear to see the place where she so often has left them there without a single one to look to them, or of the little ones to take good care? Oh, can she look upon the spot where under their little burnt bones lay, but what she thinks she hears them say, twas God had pity, and took us on high. And there may she kneel down and pray, and ask God her to forgive, and she may lead a different life while she on earth remains to live. Her husband and her children too, God has took from pain and woe. May she reform and mend her ways, that she may also to them go. And when it is God's holy will, oh, may she be prepared to meet her God, and friends in peace, and leave this world of care. The man in the ticket office said, Have an accident insurance ticket also? No, I said, after studying the matter over a little. No, I believe not. I am going to be travelling by rail all day to-day. However, to-morrow I don't travel. Give me one for to-morrow. The man looked puzzled, he said. But it is for accident insurance, and if you're going to travel by rail, if I am going to travel by rail, I shan't need it. Lying at home in bed is the thing I am afraid of. I had been looking into this matter. Last year I travelled 20,000 miles, almost entirely by rail. The year before I travelled over 25,000 miles, half by sea and half by rail, and the year before that I travelled in the neighbourhood of 10,000 miles, exclusively by rail. I suppose if I put in all the little odd journeys here and there, I may say that I have travelled 60,000 miles during the three years I have mentioned, and never had an accident. For a good while, I said to myself every morning, now I have escaped thus far, and so the chances are just that much increase that I shall catch it this time. I will be shrewd and buy an accident ticket. And to a dead moral certainty I drew a blank, and went to bed that night without a joint started or a bone splintered. I got tired of that sort of daily bother, and fell to buying accident tickets that were good for a month. I said to myself, a man can't buy thirty blanks in one bundle. But I was mistaken. There was never a prize in the lot. I could read of railway accidents every day. The newspaper atmosphere was foggy with them. But somehow they never came my way. I found I had spent a good deal of money in the accident business, and had nothing to show for it. My suspicions were aroused, and I began to hunt around for somebody that had won in this lottery. I found plenty of people who had invested, but not an individual had ever had an accident or made a cent. I stopped buying accident tickets, and went to ciphering. The result was astounding. The peril lay not in travelling, but in staying at home. I hunted up statistics, and was amazed to find that after all the glaring newspaper headlines concerning railroad disasters, less than three hundred people had really lost their lives by those disasters in the preceding twelve months. The Erie Road was set down as the most murderous in the list. It had killed forty-six, or twenty-six I do not exactly remember which, but I know the number was double that of any other road. But the fact straightway suggested itself that the Erie was an immensely long road and did more business than any other line in the country, so the double number of killed ceased to be matter for surprise. By further figuring it appeared that between New York and Rochester the Erie ran eight passenger trains each way every day, sixteen altogether, and carried a daily average of six thousand persons, that is about a million in six months, the population of New York City. Well, the Erie kills from thirteen to twenty-three persons of its million in six months, and in the same time thirteen thousand of New York's million die in their beds. My flesh crept, my hair stood on end. This is appalling, I said. The danger isn't in traveling by rail, but in trusting to those deadly beds. I will never sleep in a bed again. I had figured on considerably less than one half the length of the Erie Road. It was plain that the entire road must transport at least eleven or twelve thousand people every day. There are many short roads running out of Boston that do fully half as much, a great many such roads. There are many roads scattered about the union that do a prodigious passenger business. Therefore, it was fair to presume that an average of two thousand five hundred passengers a day for each road in the country would be about correct. There are eight hundred and forty-six railway lines in our country, and eight hundred and forty-six times two thousand five hundred are two million one hundred and fifteen thousand. So the railways of America move more than two millions of people every day, six hundred and fifty millions of people a year without counting the Sundays. They do that, too, there is no question about it, though where they get the raw material is clear beyond the jurisdiction of my arithmetic, where I have hunted the census through and through, and I find that there are not that many people in the United States by a matter of six hundred and ten millions at the very least. They must use some of the same people over again likely. San Francisco is one-eighth as populous as New York. There are sixty deaths a week in the former, and five hundred a week in the latter if they have luck. That is three thousand one hundred and twenty deaths a year in San Francisco, and eight times as many in New York, say about twenty-five thousand or twenty-six thousand. The health of the two places is the same. So we will let it stand as a fair presumption that this will hold good all over the country, and that consequently twenty-five thousand out of every million of people we have must die every year. That amounts to one-fortieth of our total population. One million of us then die annually. Out of this million, ten or twelve thousand are stabbed, shot, drowned, hanged, poisoned, or meet a similarly violent death in some other popular way, such as perishing by kerosene lamp and hoop skirt conflagrations, getting buried in coal mines, falling off housetops, breaking through church or lecture room floors, taking patent medicines or committing suicide in other forms. The eerie railroad kills twenty-three to forty-six. The other eight hundred and forty-five railroads kill an average of one-third of a man each, and the rest of that million, amounting in the aggregate to that appalling figure of nine hundred and eighty-seven thousand six hundred and thirty-one corpses, die naturally in their beds. You will excuse me from taking any more chances on those beds. The railroads are good enough for me, and my advice to all people is don't stay at home any more than you can help. But when you have got to stay at home a while, buy a package of those insurance tickets and sit up nights. You cannot be too cautious. One can see now why I answered that ticket agent in the manner recorded at the top of this sketch. The moral of this composition is that thoughtless people grumble more than is fair about railroad management in the United States, when we consider that every day and night of the year full fourteen thousand railway trains of various kinds, freighted with life and armed with death, go thundering over the land, the marvel is not that they kill three hundred human beings in a twelve month, but that they do not kill three hundred times three hundred. End of section thirty-six. This is section thirty-seven of the thirty thousand dollar bequest and other stories by Mark Twain. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. Portrait of King William the Third. I never can look at those periodical portraits in the Galaxy magazine without feeling a wild, tempestuous ambition to be an artist. I have seen thousands and thousands of pictures in my time, acres of them here, and leagues of them in the galleries of Europe, but never any that moved me as these portraits do. There is a portrait of Monsignor Capell in the November number. Now could anything be sweeter than that? And there was Bismarcks in the October number. Who can look at that without being purer and stronger and nobler for it? And Thurlow Weed's picture in the September number. I would not have died without seeing that. No, not for anything this world can give. But look back still further and recall my own likeness as printed in the August number. If I had been in my grave a thousand years when that appeared, I would have got up and visited the artist. I sleep with all these portraits under my pillow every night, so that I can go on studying them as soon as the day dawns in the morning. I know them all as thoroughly as if I had made them myself. I know every line and mark about them. Sometimes, when company are present, I shuffle the portraits all up together and then pick them out one by one and call their names without referring to the printing on the bottom. I seldom make a mistake. Never when I am calm. I have had the portraits framed for a long time, waiting till my aunt gets everything ready for hanging them up in the parlor. But first one thing and then another interferes, and so the thing is delayed. Once, she said, they would have more of the peculiar kind of light they needed in the attic, the old Simpleton. It is as dark as a tomb up there. But she does not know anything about art, and so she has no reverence for it. When I showed her my map of the fortifications of Paris, she said it was rubbish. Well, from nursing those portraits so long I have come at last to have a perfect infatuation for art. I have a teacher now, and my enthusiasm continually and tumultuously grows as I learn to use, with more and more facility, the pencil, brush, and graver. I am studying under de Melville, the house and portrait painter. His name was Smith when he lived in the West. He does any kind of artist work a body wants, having a genius that is universal, like Michael Angelo resembles that great artist in fact. The back of his head is like his, and he wears his hat-brim tilted down on his nose to expose it. I have been studying under de Melville several months now. The first month I painted fences and gave general satisfaction. The next month I whitewashed a barn. The third, I was doing tin roofs. The fourth, common signs. The fifth, statuary to stand before cigar shops. This present month is only the sixth, and I am already in portraits. The humble offering which accompanies these remarks, see figure. The portrait of his Majesty William III, King of Prussia, is my fifth attempt in portraits, and my greatest success. It has received unbounded praise from all classes of the community, but that which gratifies me most is the frequent and cordial verdict that it resembles the galaxy portraits. Those were my first love, my earliest admiration, the original source and incentive of my art ambition. Whatever I am in art today, I owe to these portraits. I ask no credit for myself, I deserve none, and I never take any either. Many a stranger has come to my exhibition, for I have had my portrait of King William on exhibition at one dollar a ticket, and would have gone away blessing me if I had let him, but I never did. I always stated where I got the idea. King William wears large bushy side whiskers, and some critics have thought that this portrait would be more complete if they were added, but it was not possible. There was not room for side whiskers and epaulettes both, and so I let the whiskers go and put in the epaulettes for the sake of style. That thing on his hat is an eagle, the Prussian eagle. It is a national emblem. When I say hat I mean helmet, but it seems impossible to make a picture of a helmet that a body can have confidence in. I wish kind friends everywhere would aid me in my endeavor to attract a little attention to the galaxy portraits. I feel persuaded it can be accomplished, if the course to be pursued be chosen with judgment. I write for that magazine all the time, and so do many abler men. And if I can get these portraits into universal favor, it is all I ask. The reading matter will take care of itself. Commendations of the portrait. There is nothing like it in the Vatican. Pius IX. It has none of that vagueness, that dreamy spirituality about it, which many of the first critics of Arkansas have objected to in the Murillo School of Art. Ruskin. The expression is very interesting, J. W. Titian. Keeps a macaroni store in Venice at the old family stand. It is the neatest thing in still life I have seen for years, Rosa Bonheur. The smile may be almost called unique, Bismarck. I never saw such character portrayed in a picture face before, de Melville. There is a benign and simplicity about the execution of this work which warms the heart toward it as much, full as much, as it fascinates the eye. Lancer. One cannot see it without longing to contemplate the artist, Frederick William. Send me the entire edition, together with a plate and the original portrait, and name your own price, and would you like to come over and stay a while with Napoleon at Ville Helmhosa? It shall not cost you ascent. William III. End of Section 37 This is Section 38 of the $30,000 request and other stories by Mark Twain. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. Does the race of man love a lord? Often, a quite assified remark becomes sanctified by use and petrified by custom. It is then a permanency, its term of activity, a geologic period. The day after the arrival of Prince Henry, I met an English friend, and he rubbed his hands and broke out with a remark that was charged to the brim with joy, joy that was evidently a pleasant salve to an old sore place. Many a time I've had to listen without retort to an old saying that is irritatingly true, and until now seem to offer no chance for a return jive. An English man does dearly love a lord, but after this I shall talk back and say, how about the Americans? It is a curious thing, the currency that an idiotic saying can get. The man that first says it thinks he has made a discovery. The man he says it to thinks the same. It departs on its travels, is received everywhere with admiring acceptance, and not only as a piece of rare and acute observation, but as being exhaustively true and profoundly wise. And so it presently takes its place in the world's list of recognized and established wisdoms, and after that no one thinks of examining it to see whether it is really entitled to its high honors or not. I call to mind instances of this in two well-established proverbs, whose dullness is not surpassed by the one about the Englishman and his love for a lord. One of them records the Americans' adoration of the Almighty Dollar. The other, the American millionaire girl's ambition to trade cash for a title, with a husband thrown in. It isn't merely the American that adores the Almighty Dollar, it is the human race. The human race has always adored the hat full of shells, or the bale of calico, or the half-bushel of brass rings, or the handful of steel fish-hooks, or the houseful of black wives, or the Zareba full of cattle, or the two score camels and asses, or the factory, or the farm, or the block of buildings, or the railroad bonds, or the bank stock, or the hoarded cash, or anything that stands for wealth and consideration and independence, and can secure to the possessor that most precious of all things another man's envy. It was a dull person that invented the idea that the Americans' devotion to the Dollar is more strenuous than another's. Rich American girls do buy titles, but they did not invent that idea. It had been worn threadbare several hundred centuries before America was discovered. European girls still exploited as briskly as ever, and when a title is not to be had for the money in hand, they buy the husband without it. They must put up the dot, or there is no trade. The commercialization of brides is substantially universal, except in America. It exists with us to some little extent, but in no degree approaching a custom. The Englishman dearly loves a lord. What is the soul and source of this love? I think the thing could be more correctly worded. The human race dearly envies a lord. That is to say, it envies the lord's place. Why? On two accounts, I think. It's power and it's conspicuousness. Where conspicuousness carries with it a power which, by the light of our own observation and experience, we are able to measure and comprehend, I think our envy of the possessor is as deep and as passionate as is that of any other nation. No one can care less for a lord than the back woodsman, who has had no personal contact with lords, and has seldom heard them spoken of. But I will not allow that any Englishman has a profounder envy of a lord than has the average American who has lived long years in a European capital and fully learned how immense is the position the lord occupies. Of any ten thousand Americans who eagerly gather at vast inconvenience to get a glimpse of Prince Henry, all but a couple of hundred will be there out of an immense curiosity. They are burning up with desire to see a personage who is so much talked about. They envy him. But it is conspicuousness they envy mainly, not the power that is lodged in his royal quality and position, for they have but a vague and spectral knowledge and appreciation of that. Through their environment and associations they have been accustomed to regard such things lightly, and as not being very real. Consequently they are not able to value them enough to consumingly envy them. But whenever an American or other human being is in the presence for the first time of a combination of great power and conspicuousness, which he thoroughly understands and appreciates, his eager curiosity and pleasure will be well sodden with that other passion, envy, whether he suspects it or not. At any time, on any day, in any part of America, you can confer a happiness upon any passing stranger by calling his attention to any other passing stranger and saying, Do you see that gentleman going along there? It is Mr. Rockefeller. Watch his eye. It is a combination of power and conspicuousness which the man understands. When we understand rank, we always like to rub against it. When a man is conspicuous, we always want to see him. Also, if he will pay us an attention, we will manage to remember it. Also, we will mention it now and then casually, sometimes to a friend, or if a friend is not handy, we will make out with a stranger. Well, then, what is rank and what is conspicuousness? At once we think of kings and aristocracies and of worldwide celebrities in soldierships, the arts, letters, etc., and we stop there. But that is a mistake. Rank holds its court and receives its homage on every round of the ladder from the emperor down to the rat-catcher, and distinction also exists on every round of the ladder and commands its due of deference and envy. To worship rank and distinction is the dear and valued privilege of all the human race, and it is freely and joyfully exercised in democracies as well as in monarchies and even, to some extent, among those creatures whom we impertently call the lower animals. For even they have some poor little vanities and foibles, though in this manner they are paupers as compared to us. A Chinese emperor has the worship of his four hundred millions of subjects, but the rest of the world is indifferent to him. A Christian emperor has the worship of his subjects and of a large part of the Christian world outside of his domains, but he is a matter of indifference to all China. A king, class A, has an extensive worship. A king, class B, has a less extensive worship. Class C, class D, class E, get a steadily diminishing share of worship. Class L, Sultan of Zanzibar, class P, Sultan of Zulu, and class W, half king of Samoa. Get no worship at all outside their own little patch of sovereignty. Take the distinguished people along down. Each has his group of homage-payers. In the navy there are many groups. They start with the secretary and the admiral, and go down to the quartermaster and below. For there will be groups among the sailors, and each of these groups will have a tar who is distinguished for his battles, or his strength, or his daring, or his profanity, and is admired and envied by his group. The same with the army, the same with the literary and journalistic craft, the publishing craft, the cod fishery craft, standard oil, U.S. steel, the class A hotel, and the rest of the alphabet in that line, the class A prize-fighter, and the rest of the alphabet in his line. Clear down to the lowest and obscurest six-boy gang of little gammons, with its one boy that can thrash the rest, and to whom he is king of Samoa, bottom of the royal race, but looked up to with the most ardent admiration and envy. There is something pathetic and funny and pretty about this human race's fondness for contact with power and distinction, and for the reflected glory it gets out of it. The king, class A, is happy in the state banquet, and the military show, which the emperor provides for him, and he goes home and gathers the queen and the princelings around him in the privacy of the spare room, and tells them all about it, and says, His Imperial Majesty put his hand upon my shoulder in the most friendly way, just as friendly and familiar, oh, you can't imagine it, and everybody's seeing him do it, charming, perfectly charming. The king, class G, is happy in the cold collation, and the police parade provided for him by the king, class B, and goes home and tells the family all about it, and says, And his Majesty took me into his own private cabinet for a smoke and a chat, and there we sat just as sociable and talking away and laughing and chatting, just the same as if we had been born in the same bunk, and all the servants in the anti-room could see us doing it. Oh, it was too lovely for anything. The king, class Q, is happy in the modest entertainment furnished him by the king, class M, and goes home and tells the household about it, and is as grateful and joyful over it as were his predecessors in the gaudier attentions that had fallen to their larger lot. Emperors, kings, artisans, peasants, big people, little people, at the bottom we are all alike and all the same, all just alike on the inside, and when our clothes are off, nobody can tell which of us is which. We are unanimous in the pride we take in good and genuine compliments paid us, and distinctions conferred upon us in attentions shown. There is not one of us from the emperor down, but is made like that. Do I mean attentions shown us by the guest? No, I mean simply flattering attentions. Let them come once they may. We despise no source that can pay us a pleasing attention. There is no source that is humble enough for that. You have heard a dear little girl say to a frowsy and disreputable dog, he came right to me and let me pat him on the head and he wouldn't let the others touch him. And you have seen her eyes dance with pride in that high distinction. You have often seen that. If the child were a princess, would that random dog be able to confer the like glory upon her with his pretty compliment? Yes, and even in her mature life and seated upon a throne she would still remember it, still recall it, still speak of it with frank satisfaction. That charming and lovable German princess and poet Carmen Silva, Queen of Romania, remembers yet that the flowers of the woods and fields flocked to her when she was a girl, and she sets it down in her latest book, and that the squirrels conferred upon her and her father the valued compliment of not being afraid of them, and once one of them holding a nut between its sharp little teeth ran right up against my father. It has the very note of, he came right to me and let me pat him on the head and when it saw itself reflected in his boot it was very much surprised, and stopped for a long time to contemplate itself in the polished leather. Then it went its way. And the birds! She still remembers with pride that they came boldly into my room, when she had neglected her duty and put no food on the window sill for them. She knew all the wild birds and forgets the royal crown on her head to remember with pride that they knew her, also that the wasp and the bee were personal friends of hers, and never forgot that gracious relationship to her injury. Never have I been stung by a wasp or a bee! And here is that proud note again that sings in that little child's elation in being singled out among all the company of children for the random dogs honor conferring attentions. Even in the very worst summer for wasps, when in lunching out of doors our table was covered with them and everyone else was stung, they never hurt me. When a queen whose qualities of mind and heart and character are able to add distinction to so distinguished a place as a throne, remembers with grateful exaltation after thirty years, honors and distinctions conferred upon her by the humble, wild creatures of the forest, we are helped to realize that complimentary attentions, homage, distinctions, are of no cast, but are above all cast, that they are a nobility conferring power apart. We all like these things. When the gate guard at the railway station passes me through unchallenged and examines other people's tickets, I feel as the king, Class A, felt when the emperor put the imperial hand on his shoulder, everybody seeing him do it, and as the child felt when the random dog allowed her to pat his head and ostracize the others, and as the princess felt when the wasps spared her and stung the rest, and I felt just so, four years ago in Vienna, and remember it yet, when the helmeted police shut me off with fifty others from his street which the emperor was to pass through, and the captain of the squad turned and saw the situation and said indignantly to that guard, Can't you see it is the Herr Mark Twain? Let him through! It was four years ago, but it will be four hundred before I forget the wind of self complacency that rose in me, and strained my buttons when I mark the deference for me evoked in the faces of my fellow rabble, and noted, mingled with it, a puzzled and resentful expression which said as plainly as speech could have worded it, and who in the nation is the Herr Mark Twain? How many times in your life have you heard this boastful remark? I stood as close to him as I am to you. I could have put out my hand and touched him. We've all heard it many and many a time. It was a proud distinction to be able to say those words. It brought Envy to the speaker, a kind of glory, and he basked in it and was happy through all his veins. And who was it he stood so close to? The answer would cover all the grades. Sometimes it was a king. Sometimes it was a renowned highwayman. Sometimes it was an unknown man killed in an extraordinary way and made suddenly famous by it. Always it was a person who was, for the moment, the subject of public interest of a village. I was there and I saw it myself. That is a common and Envy-compelling remark. It can refer to a battle, to a hanging, to a coronation, to the killing of jumbo by the railway train, to the arrival of Jenny Lind at the battery, to the meeting of the President and Prince Henry, to the chase of a murderous maniac, to the disaster in the tunnel, to the explosion in the subway, to a remarkable dogfight, to a village church struck by lightning. It will be said more or less casually by everybody in America who has seen Prince Henry do anything or try to. The man who was absent and didn't see him do anything will scoff. It is his privilege, and he can make capital out of it too. He will seem, even to himself, to be different from other Americans, and better, as his opinion of his superior Americanism grows and swells and concentrates and coagulates, he will go further and try to belittle the distinction of those that saw the Prince do things, and will spoil their pleasure in it if he can. My life has been embittered by that kind of person. If you are able to tell of a special distinction that has fallen to your lot, it gravels them. They cannot bear it, and they try to make believe that the thing you took for a special distinction was nothing of the kind, and was meant in quite another way. Once I was received in private audience by an emperor. Last week I was telling a jealous person about it, and I could see him wince under it, see him bite, see him suffer. I revealed the whole episode to him with considerable elaboration and nice attention to detail. When I was through, he asked me what had impressed me most. I said, His Majesty's delicacy! They told me to be sure and back out from the presence, and find the doorknob as best I could. It was not allowable to face around. Now the emperor knew it would be a difficult ordeal for me because of lack of practice, and so, when it was time to part, he turned, with exceeding delicacy, and pretended to fumble with things on his desk, so I could get out in my own way without his seeing me. It went home. It was vitriol. I saw the envy and disgruntlement rise in the man's face. He couldn't keep it down. I saw him try to fix up something in his mind to take the bloom off that distinction. I enjoyed that, for I judged that he had his work cut out for him. He struggled along inwardly for quite a while, and then he said, with a manner of a person who has to say something and hasn't anything relevant to say, you said he had a handful of special brand cigars on the table? Yes. I never saw anything to match them. I had him again. He had to fumble around in his mind as much as another minute before he could play. Then he said in as mean a way as I ever heard a person say anything. He could have been counting the cigars, you know. I cannot endure a man like that. It is nothing to him how unkind he is, so long as he takes the bloom off. It is all he cares for. An English man, or other human being, does dearly love a Lord, or other conspicuous person. It includes us all. We love to be noticed by the conspicuous person. We love to be associated with such or with a conspicuous event, even in a seventh-rate fashion, even in the forty-seventh, if we cannot do better. This accounts for some of our curious tastes and mementos. It accounts for the large private trade in the Prince of Wales Hare, which chambermaids were able to drive in that article of commerce when the Prince made the tour of the world in the long ago. Hare, which probably did not always come from his brush, since enough of it was marketed to refurnish a bald comet. It accounts for the fact that the rope which lynches a negro in the presence of ten thousand Christian spectators is saleable five minutes later at two dollars an inch. It accounts for the mournful fact that a royal personage does not venture to wear buttons on his coat in public. We do love a Lord, and by that term I mean any person whose situation is higher than our own. The Lord of the group, for instance, a group of peers, a group of millionaires, a group of hoodlums, a group of sailors, a group of newsboys, a group of saloon politicians, a group of college girls. No royal person has ever been the object of a more delirious loyalty and slavish adoration than is paid by the vast timony herd to its squalid idol in wantage. There is not a bifurcated animal in that menagerie that would not be proud to appear in a newspaper picture in his company. At the same time there are some in that organization who would scoff at the people who have been daily pictured in the company with Prince Henry, and would say vigorously that they would not consent to be photographed with him—a statement which would not be true in any instance. There are hundreds of people in America who would frankly say to you that they would not be proud to be photographed in a group with the Prince, if invited, and some of these unthinking people would believe it when they said it. Yet in no instance would it be true. We have a large population, but we have not a large enough one by several millions to furnish that man. He has not yet been begotten, and in fact he is not begettable. You may take any of the printed groups, and there isn't a person in the dim background who isn't visibly trying to be vivid. If it is a crowd of ten thousand, ten thousand proud, untamed Democrats, horny-handed sons of toil and of politics and of fliers of the eagle, there isn't one who is trying to keep out of range. There isn't one who isn't plainly meditating a purchase of the paper in the morning, with the intention of hunting himself out in the picture, and framing and keeping it, if he shall find so much of his person in it as his starboard ear. We all love to get some of the drippings of conspicuousness, and we will put up with a single humble drip if we can't get any more. We may pretend otherwise in conversation, but we can't pretend it to ourselves privately, and we don't. We do confess in public that we are the noblest work of God being moved to it by long habit and teaching and superstition, but deep down in the secret places of our souls we recognize that, if we are the noblest work, the less said about it the better. We of the North poke fun at the South for its fondness of titles, a fondness for titles pure and simple regardless of whether they are genuine or pinch back. We forget that whatever a Southerner likes the rest of the human race likes, and that there is no law of predilection lodged in one people that is absent from another people. There is no variety in the human race. We are all children, all children of the one atom, and we love toys. We can soon acquire that Southern disease if someone will give it a start. It already has a start, in fact. I have been personally acquainted with over eighty-four thousand persons who, at one time or another in their lives, have served for a year or two on the staffs of our multitudinous governors, and through that fatality have been generals temporarily and colonels temporarily and judge advocates temporarily. But I have known only nine among them who could be hired to let the title go when it ceased to be legitimate. I know thousands and thousands of governors who ceased to be governors a way back in the last century, but I am acquainted with only three who would answer your letter if you failed to call them governor in it. I know acres and acres of men who have done time in a legislature in prehistoric days, but among them is not half an acre whose resentment you would not raise if you addressed them as mister instead of honorable. The first thing a legislature does is to convene in an impressive legislative attitude and get itself photographed. Each member frames his copy and takes it to the woods and hangs it up in the most aggressively conspicuous place in his house. And if you visit the house and fail to inquire what that accumulation is, the conversation will be brought around to it by that a four-time legislator, and he will show you a figure in it which in the course of years he has almost obliterated with the smut of his finger marks and say with a solemn joy, It's me! Have you ever seen a country congressman enter the hotel breakfast room in Washington with his letters and sit at his table and let on to read them and wrinkle his brows and frowns, statesman-like, keeping a furtive watch out over his glasses all the while to see if he is being observed and admired, those same old letters which he fetches in every morning? Have you seen it? Have you seen him show off? It is the sight of the national capital, except one, a pathetic one. That is the ex-congressman, the poor fellow whose life has been ruined by a two-year taste of glory and a fictitious consequence, who has been superseded and ought to take his heartbreak home and hide it, but cannot tear himself away from the scene of his lost little grandeur, and so he lingers and still lingers year after year, unconsidered, sometimes snubbed, ashamed of his fallen estate, and valiantly trying to look otherwise, dreary and depressed, but counterfeiting breeziness and gaiety, pailing with chummy familiarity, which is not always welcomed, the more fortunate who are still in place and were once his mates. Have you seen him? He clings piteously to the one little shred that is left of his departed distinction, the privilege of the floor, and works it hard and gets what he can out of it. That is the saddest figure I know of. Yes, we do so love our little distinctions, and then we loftily scoff at a prince for enjoying his larger ones, forgetting that if we only had his chance, ah, Senator is not a legitimate title. A Senator has no more right to be addressed by it than have you or I, but in the several state capitals and in Washington there are five thousand Senators who take very kindly to that fiction, and who purr gratefully when you call them by it, which you may do quite unrebuted. Then those same Senators smile at the self-constructed Majors and Generals and Judges of the South. Indeed, we do love our distinctions, and get them how we may, and we work them for all they are worth. In prayer we call ourselves Worms of the Dust, but it is only on a sort of tacit understanding that the remark shall not be taken at par. We, Worms of the Dust! Oh, no, we are not that, except, in fact, and we do not deal much in fact when we are contemplating ourselves. As a race we do certainly love a Lord, let him be croaker, or a duke, or a prize-fighter, or whatever other person it shall chance to be the head of our group. Many years ago I saw a greasy youth in overall standing by the herald office with an expectant look in his face. Soon a large man passed out and gave him a pat on the shoulder. That was what the boy was waiting for, the large man's notice. The pat made him proud and happy, and the exaltation inside of him shone out through his eyes, and his mates were there to see the pat and envy it, and wish they could have had that glory. The boy belonged down-seller in the press room. The large man was king of the upper floors, foreman of the composing room. The light in the boy's face was worship. The foreman was his lord, head of his group. The pat was an accolade. It was as precious to the boy, as it would have been if he had been an aristocrat's son, and the accolade had been delivered by his sovereign with a sword. The quintessence of the honor was all there. There was no difference in values. In truth, there was no difference present except an artificial one—clothes. All the human race loves a lord, that is, loves to look upon or be noticed by the possessor of power or conspicuousness, and sometimes animals, born to better things and higher ideals, descend to man's level in this matter. In the Jaqueline de Plante, I have seen a cat that was so vain of being the personal friend of an elephant, that I was ashamed of her." End of Section 38 This is Section 39 of the $30,000 Bequest and Other Stories by Mark Twain. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. Extracts from Adam's Diary. Monday. This new creature with long hair is a good deal in the way. It is always hanging around and following me about. I don't like this. I am not used to company. I wish it would stay with the other animals. Cloudy today, wind in the east, think we shall have rain. We? Where did I get that word? I remember now. The new creature uses it. Tuesday. Been examining the great waterfall. It is the finest thing on the estate, I think. The new creature calls it Niagara Falls. Why, I am sure I do not know. Says it looks like Niagara Falls. That is not a reason. It is mere waywardness and imbecility. I get no chance to name anything myself. The new creature names everything that comes along before I can get in a protest. And always that same pretext is offered. It looks like the thing. There is a dodo, for instance. Says the moment one looks at it, one sees at a glance that it looks like a dodo. It will have to keep that name, no doubt. It wearies me to fret about it and it does no good anyway. Do-do. It looks no more like a do-do than I do. Wednesday. Built me a shelter against the rain, but could not have it to myself in peace. The new creature intruded. When I tried to put it out, it shed water out of the holes it looks with and wiped it away with the back of its paws and made a noise such as some of the other animals make when they are in distress. I wish it would not talk. It is always talking. That sounds like a cheap fling at the poor creature, a slur, but I do not mean it so. I have never heard the human voice before, and any new and strange sound intruding itself here upon the solemn hush of these dreaming solitudes offends my ear and seems a false note. And this new sound is so close to me it is right at my shoulder, right at my ear, first on one side and then on the other, and I am used only to sounds that are more or less distant from me. Friday. The naming goes recklessly on in spite of anything I can do. I had a very good name for the estate, and it was musical and pretty—Garden of Eden. Privately I continue to call it that, but not any longer publicly. The new creature says that it is all woods and rocks and scenery, and therefore has no resemblance to a garden, says it looks like a park and does not look like anything but a park. Consequently, without consulting me, it has been new-named Niagara Falls Park. This is sufficiently high-handed, it seems to me, and already there is a sign up. Keep off the grass. My life is not as happy as it was. Saturday. The new creature eats too much fruit. We are going to run short, most likely. We again. That is its word, mine too, now, from hearing it so much. Good deal of fog this morning. I do not go out in the fog myself. This new creature does. It goes out in all weathers and stumps right in with its muddy feet and talks. It used to be so pleasant and quiet here. Sunday. Pulled through. This day is getting to be more and more trying. It was selected and set apart last November as a day of rest. I had already six of them per week before. This morning found the new creature trying to clawed apples out of that forbidden tree. Monday. The new creature says its name is Eve. That is all right. I have no objections. Says it is to call it by when I wanted to come. I said it was superfluous, then. The word evidently raised me in its respect, and indeed it is a large, good word, and will bear repetition. It says it is not an it. It is a she. This is probably doubtful, yet it is all one to me. What she is were nothing to me if she would but go by herself and not talk. Tuesday. She has littered the whole estate with execrable names and offensive signs. This way to the whirlpool. This way to Goat Island. Cave of the Winds. This way. She says this park would make a tidy summer resort if there was any custom for it. Summer resort. Another invention of hers. Just words. Without any meaning. What is a summer resort? But it is best not to ask her. She has such a rage for explaining. Friday. She has taken to besieging me to stop going over the falls. What harm does it do? Says it makes her shudder. I wonder why. I have always done it. Always liked the plunge and coolness. I supposed it was what the falls were for. They have no other use than I can see, and they must have been made for something. She says they were only made for scenery like the rhinoceros and the mastodon. I went over the falls in a barrel, not satisfactory to her. Went over in a tub, still not satisfactory. Swam the whirlpool and the rapids in a fig leaf suit. It got much damaged. Hence tedious complaints about my extravagance. I am too much hampered here. What I need is a change of scene. Saturday. I escaped last Tuesday night and travelled two days and built me another shelter in a secluded place and obliterated my tracks as well as I could. But she hunted me out by means of a beast which she has tamed and calls a wolf, and came making that pitiful noise again and shedding that water out of the places she looks with. I was obliged to return with her, but will presently emigrate again when occasion offers. She engages herself in many foolish things, among others, to study out why the animals, called lions and tigers, live on grass and flowers, when, as she says, the sort of teeth they wear would indicate that they were intended to eat each other. This is foolish, because to do that would be to kill each other, and that would introduce what, as I understand, is called death. And death, as I have been told, has not yet entered the park, which is a pity on some accounts. Monday. Pulled through. Monday. I believe I see what the week is for. It is to give time to rest up from the weariness of Sunday. It seems a good idea. She has been climbing that tree again. Clotted her out of it. She said nobody was looking. Seems to consider that a sufficient justification for chancing any dangerous thing. Told her that. The word justification moved her admiration, and envy too, I thought. It is a good word. Tuesday. She told me she was made out of a rib taken from my body. This is at least doubtful, if not more than that. I have not missed any rib. She is in much trouble about the buzzard. Says grass does not agree with it. Is afraid she can't raise it. Thinks it was intended to live on decayed flesh. The buzzard must get along the best it can with what is provided. We cannot overturn the whole scheme to accommodate the buzzard. Saturday. She fell in the pond yesterday when she was looking at herself in it, which she is always doing. She nearly strangled and said it was most uncomfortable. This made her sorry for the creatures which live in there, which she calls fish, for she continues to fasten names on to things that don't need them and don't come when they are called by them, which is a matter of no consequence to her. She is such a numbskull, anyway. So she got a lot of them out and brought them in last night and put them in my bed to keep warm. But I have noticed them now and then all day, and I don't see that they are any happier there than they were before. Only quieter. When night comes I shall throw them outdoors. I will not sleep with them again, for I find them clammy and unpleasant to lie among when a person hasn't anything on. Sunday. Pulled through. Tuesday. She has taken up with a snake now. The other animals are glad, for she was always experimenting with them and bothering them. And I am glad because the snake talks, and this enables me to get a rest. Friday. She says the snake advises her to try the fruit of the tree, and says the result will be a great and fine and noble education. I told her there would be another result, too. It would introduce death into the world. That was a mistake. It had been better to keep the remark to myself. It only gave her an idea. She could save the sick, buzzard, and furnish fresh meat to the despondent lions and tigers. I advised her to keep away from the tree. She said she wouldn't. I foresee trouble. We'll emigrate. Wednesday. I have had a variegated time. I escaped last night, and rode a horse all night as fast as he could go, hoping to get clear of the park and hide in some other country before the trouble should begin. But it was not to be. About an hour after sun-up, as I was riding through a flowery plain where thousands of animals were grazing, slumbering, or playing with each other, according to their want. All of a sudden they broke into a tempest of frightful noises, and in one moment the plain was a frantic commotion and every beast was destroying its neighbor. I knew what it meant. Eve had eaten that fruit, and death was coming to the world. The tigers ate my horse, paying no attention when I ordered them to desist, and they would have eaten me if I had stayed, which I didn't, but went away in much haste. I found this place outside the park and was fairly comfortable for a few days, but she has found me out. Found me out, and has named the place Tana Wanda, says it looks like that. In fact, I was not sorry she came for—there are but meager pickings here, and she brought some of those apples. I was obliged to eat them, I was so hungry. It was against my principles, but I find that principles have no real force except when one is well fed. She came curtained in boughs and bunches of leaves, and when I asked her what she meant by such nonsense, and snatched them away and threw them down, she tittered and blushed. I have never seen a person titter and blush before, and to me it seemed unbecoming and idiotic. She said I would soon know how it was myself. This was correct. Hungry as I was, I laid down the apple half-eaten, certainly the best one I ever saw, considering the lateness of the season, and arrayed myself in the discarded boughs and branches, and then spoke to her with some severity and ordered her to go and get some more and not make a spectacle of herself. She did it, and after this we crept down to where the wild-beast battle had been and collected some skins, and I made her patch together a couple of suits proper for public occasions. They are uncomfortable, it is true, but stylish, and that is the main point about clothes. I find she is a good deal of a companion. I see I should be lonesome and depressed without her, now that I have lost my property. Another thing, she says, it is ordered that we work for our living hereafter. She will be useful. I will superintend. Ten days later. She accuses me of being the cause of our disaster. She says, with a parent's sincerity and truth, that the serpent assured her that the forbidden fruit was not apples, it was chestnuts. I said I was innocent then, for I had not eaten any chestnuts. She said the serpent informed her that chestnut was a figurative term, meaning an aged and moldy joke. I turned pale at that, for I have made many jokes to pass the weary time, and some of them could have been of that sort, though I had honestly supposed that they were new when I made them. She asked me if I had made one just at the time of the catastrophe. I was obliged to admit that I had made one to myself, though not allowed. It was this. I was thinking about the falls, and I said to myself, how wonderful it is to see that vast body of water tumble down there. Then in an instant a bright thought flashed into my head, and I let it fly, saying, it would be a deal more wonderful to see it tumble up there. And I was just about to kill myself with laughing at it, when all nature broke loose in a war and death, and I had to flee for my life. There, she said, with triumph, that is just it. The serpent mentioned that very just, and called it the first chestnut, and said it was co-evil with the creation. Alas, I am indeed to blame. Would that I were not witty, oh, that I never had that radiant thought. Next year. We have named it Cain. She caught it while I was up country trapping on the north shore of the Erie, caught it in the timber a couple of miles from our dugout, or it might have been four, she isn't certain which. It resembles us in some ways, and may be a relation. That is what she thinks. But this is an error in my judgment. The difference in size warrants the conclusion that it is a different and new kind of animal. A fish, perhaps. Though, when I put it in the water to sea, it sank, and she plunged in and snatched it out before there was opportunity for the experiment to determine the matter. I still think it is a fish. But she is indifferent about what it is, and will not let me have it to try. I do not understand this. The coming of the creature seems to have changed her whole nature and made her unreasonable about experiments. She thinks more of it than she does of any of the other animals, but is not able to explain why. Her mind is disordered. Everything shows it. Sometimes she carries the fish in her arms half the night when it complains, and wants to get to the water. At such times the water comes out of the places in her face that she looks out of, and she pats the fish on the back and makes soft sounds with her mouth to soothe it, and betrays sorrow and solicitude in a hundred ways. I have never seen her do like this with any other fish, and it troubles me greatly. She used to carry the young tigers around so, and play with them, before we lost our property. But it was only play. She never took on about them like this when their dinner disagreed with them. Sunday. She doesn't work Sundays, but lies around all tired out and likes to have the fish wallow over her, and she makes full noises to amuse it, and pretends to chew its paws, and that makes it laugh. I have not seen a fish before that could laugh. This makes me doubt. I have come to like Sunday myself, super intending all the weak tires of body, so there ought to be more Sundays. In the old days they were tough, but now they come handy. Wednesday. It isn't a fish. I cannot quite make out what it is. It makes curious devilish noises when not satisfied, and says goo-goo when it is. It is not one of us, for it doesn't walk. It is not a bird, for it doesn't fly. It is not a frog, for it doesn't hop. It is not a snake, for it doesn't crawl. I feel sure it is not a fish, though I cannot get a chance to find out whether it can swim or not. It merely lies around and mostly on its back, with its feet up. I have not seen any other animal do that before. I said I believed it was an enigma, but she only admired the word without understanding it. In my judgment it is either an enigma or some kind of a bug. If it dies I will take it apart and see what its arrangements are. I never had a thing perplex me so. Three months later. The perplexity augments instead of diminishing. I sleep but little. It has ceased from lying around and goes about on its four legs now, yet it differs from the other four-legged animals in that its front legs are unusually short. Consequently this causes the main part of its person to stick up uncomfortably high in the air, and this is not attractive. It is built much as we are, but its method of travelling shows that it is not of our breed. The short front legs and long hind ones indicate that it is of the kangaroo family, but it is a marked variation of that species, since the true kangaroo hops, whereas this one never does. Still it is a curious and interesting variety, and has not been catalogued before. As I discovered it, I have felt justified in securing the credit of the discovery by attaching my name to it, and hence have called it Kangaroo-domensis. It must have been a young one when it came, for it has grown exceedingly since. It must be five times as big now as it was then, and when discontented it is able to make from twenty-two to thirty-eight times the noise it made at first. Coercion does not modify this, but has the contrary effect. For this reason I discontinued the system. She reconciles it by persuasion, and by giving it things which she had previously told me she wouldn't give it. As already observed, I was not at home when it first came, and she told me she found it in the woods. It seems odd that it should be the only one, yet it must be so, for I have worn myself out these many weeks trying to find another one to add to my collection, and for this to play with. For surely then it would be quieter and we could tame it more easily. But I find none, nor any vestige of any, and strangest of all, no tracks. It has to live on the ground, it cannot help itself, therefore how does it get about without leaving a track? I have set a dozen traps, but they do no good. I catch all small animals except that one. Animals that merely go into the trap out of curiosity, I think, to see what the milk is there for. They never drink it. Three months later. The kangaroo still continues to grow, which is very strange and perplexing. I never knew one to be so long getting its growth. It has fur on its head now, not like kangaroo fur, but exactly like our hair, except that it is much finer and softer. And instead of being black, is red. I am like to lose my mind over the capricious and harassing developments of this unclassifiable zoological freak. If I could catch another one, but that is hopeless. It is a new variety and the only sample, this is plain. But I caught a true kangaroo and brought it in, thinking that this one, being lonesome, would rather have had that for company than have no kin at all, or any animal it could feel a nearness to, or get sympathy from in its forlorn condition here, among strangers who do not know its ways or habits, or what to do to make it feel that it is among friends. But it was a mistake. It went into such fits at the sight of the kangaroo that I was convinced it had never seen one before. I pity the poor, noisy little animal, but there is nothing I can do to make it happy. If I could tame it, but that is out of the question. The more I try, the worse I seem to make it. It grieves me to the heart to see it in its little storms of sorrow and passion. I wanted to let it go, but she wouldn't hear of it. That seemed cruel and not like her, and yet she may be right. It might be lonelier than ever, for since I cannot find another one, how could it? It is not a kangaroo. No. For it supports itself by holding to her finger, and thus goes a few steps on its hind legs, and then falls down. It is probably some kind of a bear, and yet it has no tail, as yet, and no fur, except upon its head. It still keeps on growing, that is a curious circumstance, for bears get their growth earlier than this. Bears are dangerous since our catastrophe, and I shall not be satisfied to have this one prowling about the place much longer without a muzzle on. I have offered to get her a kangaroo if she would let this one go, but it did no good. She is determined to run us into all sorts of foolish risks, I think. She was not like this before she lost her mind. A fortnight later I examined its mouth. There is no danger yet. It has only one tooth. It has no tail yet. It makes more noise now than it ever did before, and mainly at night. I have moved out, but I shall go over mornings to breakfast and see if it has more teeth. If it gets a mouthful of teeth it will be time for it to go, tail or no tail, for a bear does not need a tail in order to be dangerous. Four months later I have been off hunting and fishing a month, up in the region that she calls buffalo. I don't know why, unless it is because there are not any buffaloes there. Meantime the bear has learned to paddle around all by itself on its hind legs and says Papa and Mama. It is certainly a new species. This resemblance to words may be purely accidental, of course, and may have no purpose or meaning, but even in that case it is still extraordinary, and is a thing which no other bear can do. This imitation of speech taken together with general absence of fur and entire absence of tail sufficiently indicates that this is a new kind of bear. The further study of it will be exceedingly interesting. Meantime I will go off on a far expedition among the forests of the north and make an exhaustive search. There must certainly be another one somewhere and this one will be less dangerous when it has company of its own species. I will go straight away, but I will muzzle this one first. Three months later it has been a weary, weary hunt, yet I have had no success. In the meantime without stirring from the home estate she has caught another one. I never saw such luck. I might have hunted these woods a hundred years. I never would have run across that thing. Next day I have been comparing the new one with the old one, and it is perfectly plain that they are of the same breed. I was going to stuff one of them for my collection, but she is prejudiced against it for some reason or other, so I have relinquished the idea, though I think it is a mistake. It would be an irreparable loss to science if they should get away. The old one is tamer than it was and can laugh and talk like a parrot, having learned this, no doubt, from being with the parrot so much, and having the imitative faculty in a high developed degree. I shall be astonished if it turns out to be a new kind of parrot, and yet I ought not to be astonished, for it has already been everything else it could think of since those first days when it was a fish. The new one is as ugly as the old one was at first, has the same sulfur and raw meat complexion and the same singular head without any fur on it. She calls it Abel. Ten years later. They are boys. We found it out long ago. It was there coming in that small immature shape that puzzled us. We were not used to it. There are some girls now. Abel is a good boy, but if Cain had stayed a bear it would have improved him. After all these years I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning. It is better to live outside the garden with her than inside it without her. At first I thought she talked too much, but now I should be sorry to have that voice fall silent and pass out of my life. Blessed be the chestnut that brought us near together and taught me to know the goodness of her heart and the sweetness of her spirit. End of Section 39 This is Section 40 of the $30,000 Bequest and Other Stories by Mark Twain. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. Eve's Diary translated from the original. Saturday. I am almost a whole day old now. I arrived yesterday. That is, as it seems to me. And it must be so, for if there was a day before yesterday I was not there when it happened, or I should remember it. It could be, of course, that it did happen and that I was not noticing. Very well. I will be very watchful now, and if any day before yesterday's happened I will make a note of it. It will be best to start right and not let the record get confused, for some instinct tells me that these details are going to be important to the historian some day. For I feel like an experiment. I feel exactly like an experiment. It would be impossible for a person to feel more like an experiment than I do, and so I am coming to feel convinced that that is what I am, an experiment, just an experiment, and nothing more. Then, if I am an experiment, am I the whole of it? No, I think not. I think the rest of it is part of it. I am the main part of it, but I think the rest of it has its share in the matter. Is my position assured or do I have to watch it and take care of it? The latter, perhaps. Some instinct tells me that eternal vigilance is the price of supremacy. That is a good phrase, I think, for one so young. Everything looks better today than it did yesterday. In the rush of finishing up yesterday the mountains were left in a ragged condition, and some of the plains were so cluttered with rubbish and remnants that the aspects were quite distressing. Noble and beautiful works of art should not be subjected to haste, and this majestic new world is indeed a most noble and beautiful work, and certainly marvelously near to being perfect notwithstanding the shortness of the time. There are too many stars in some places and not enough in others, but that can be remedied presently no doubt. The moon got loose last night and slid down and fell out of the scheme a very great loss. It breaks my heart to think of it. There isn't another thing among the ornaments and decorations that is comparable to it for beauty and finish. It should have been fastened better, if we can only get it back again. But, of course, there is no telling where it went to. And besides, whoever gets it will hide it. I know it because I would do it myself. I believe I can be honest in all other matters, but I already begin to realize that the core and center of my nature is love of the beautiful, a passion for the beautiful, and that it would not be safe to trust me with a moon that belonged to another person and that person didn't know I had it. I could give up a moon that I found in the daytime because I should be afraid someone was looking. But, if I found it in the dark, I am sure I should find some kind of an excuse for not saying anything about it. For I do love moons. They are so pretty and so romantic. I wish we had five or six. I would never go to bed. I should never get tired lying on the moss bank and looking up at them. Stars are good, too. I wish I could get some to put in my hair. But I suppose I never can. You would be surprised to find how far off they are, for they do not look it. When they first showed last night I tried to knock some down with a pole, but it didn't reach, which astonished me. Then I tried clods till I was all tired out, but I never got one. It was because I am left-handed and cannot throw good. Even when I aimed at the one I wasn't after I couldn't hit the other one. Though I did make some close shots, where I saw the black blot of the clod sail right into the midst of the golden clusters forty or fifty times, just barely missing them, and if I could have held out a little longer, maybe I could have got one. So I cried a little, which was natural, I suppose, for one of my age, and after I was rested I got a basket and started for a place on the extreme rim of the circle where the stars were close to the ground, and I could get them with my hands, which would be better, anyway, because I could gather them tenderly, then, and not break them. But it was farther than I thought, and at last I had to give it up. I was so tired I couldn't drag my feet another step, and besides they were sore and hurt me very much. I couldn't get back home. It was too far and turning cold, but I found some tigers and nestled in among them, and was most adorably comfortable, and their breath was sweet and pleasant because they live on strawberries. I had never seen a tiger before, but I knew them in a minute by the stripes. If I could have one of those skins it would make a lovely gown. Today I am getting better ideas about distances. I was so eager to get hold of every pretty thing that I giddily grabbed for it, sometimes when it was too far off, and sometimes when it was but six inches away but seemed a foot, alas, with thorns between. I learned a lesson. Also I made an axiom all out of my own head, my very first one. The scratched experiment shuns the thorn. I think it is a very good one for one so young. I followed the other experiment around yesterday afternoon at a distance, to see what it might be for, if I could. But I was not able to make out. I think it is a man. I had never seen a man, but it looked like one, and I feel sure that that is what it is. I realize that I feel more curiosity about it than about any of the other reptiles. If it is a reptile, and I suppose it is, for it has frowsy hair and blue eyes and looks like a reptile, it has no hips, it tapers like a carrot. When it stands, it spreads itself apart like a derrick. So I think it is a reptile, though it may be architecture. I was afraid of it at first, and started to run every time it turned around for I thought it was going to chase me. But by and by I found it was only trying to get away, so after that I was not timid any more, but tracked it along several hours, about twenty yards behind, which made it nervous and unhappy. At last it was a good deal worried and climbed a tree. I waited a long while, then gave it up and went home. Today the same thing over. I've got it up the tree again. Sunday. It is up there yet, resting apparently, but that is a subterfuge. Sunday isn't the day of rest, Saturday is appointed for that. It looks to me like a creature that is more interested in resting than in anything else. It would tire me to rest so much. It tires me just to sit around and watch the tree. I do wonder what it is for. I never see it do anything. They returned the moon last night and I was so happy. I think it is very honest of them. It slid down and fell off again, but I was not distressed. There is no need to worry when one has that kind of neighbors. They will fetch it back. I wish I could do something to show my appreciation. I would like to send them some stars, for we have more than we can use. I mean I, not we, for I can see that the reptile cares nothing for such things. It has low tastes and is not kind. When I went there yesterday evening in the gloaming, it had crept down and was trying to catch the little speckled fishes that play in the pool, and I had to clod it to make it go up the tree again and let them alone. I wonder if that is what it is for. Hasn't it any heart? Hasn't it any compassion for those little creatures? Can it be that it was designed and manufactured for such un-gentle work? It has the look of it. One of the clods took it back with the ear and it used language. It gave me a thrill for it was the first time I had ever heard speech except my own. I did not understand the words, but they seemed expressive. When I found it could talk I felt a new interest in it, for I love to talk. I talk all day and in my sleep too, and I am very interesting, but if I had another to talk to, I could be twice as interesting, and would never stop if desired. If this reptile is a man, it isn't an it, is it? That wouldn't be grammatical, would it? I think it would be he. I think so. In that case one would parse it with us. Nominative he. Dative him. Possessive hisn. Well, I will consider it a man and call it he until it turns out to be something else. This will be handier than having so many uncertainties. Next week Sunday. All the week I tagged around after him and tried to get acquainted. I had to do the talking because he was shy, but I didn't mind it. He seemed pleased to have me around, and I used the sociable we a good deal, because it seemed to flatter him to be included. Wednesday. We are getting along very well indeed now, and getting better and better acquainted. He does not try to avoid me any more, which is a good sign, and shows that he likes to have me with him. That pleases me, and I study to be useful to him in every way I can, so as to increase his regard. During the last day or two I have taken all the work of naming things off his hands, and this has been a great relief to him, for he has no gift in that line, and is evidently very grateful. He can't think of a rational name to save him, but I do not let him see that I am aware of his defect. Whenever a new creature comes along I name it before he has time to expose himself by an awkward silence. In this way I have saved him many embarrassments. I have no defect like this. The minute I set eyes on an animal I know what it is. I don't have to reflect a moment. The right name comes out instantly just as if it were an inspiration, as no doubt it is, for I am sure it wasn't in me half a minute before. I seem to know just by the shape of the creature and the way it acts what animal it is. When the dodo came along he thought it was a wildcat, I saw it in his eye, but I saved him, and I was careful not to do it in a way that could hurt his pride. I just spoke up in a quite natural way of pleasing surprise and not as if I was dreaming of conveying information and said, well, I do declare if there isn't the dodo. I explained without seeming to be explaining how I know it for a dodo, and although I thought maybe he was a little peaked that I knew the creature when he didn't, it was quite evident that he admired me. That was very agreeable, and I thought of it more than once with gratification before I slept. How little a thing can make us happy when we feel that we have earned it. Thursday, my first sorrow. Yesterday he avoided me and seemed to wish I would not talk to him. I could not believe it, and thought there was some mistake, for I loved to be with him and love to hear him talk, and so how could it be that he could feel unkind toward me when I had not done anything? But at last it seemed true. So I went away and sat lonely in the place where I first saw him the morning that we were made, and I did not know what he was, and was indifferent about him. But now it was a mournful place, and every little thing spoke of him, and my heart was very sore. I did not know why very clearly, for it was a new feeling. I had not experienced it before, and it was all a mystery, and I could not make it out. But when night came I could not bear the lonesomeness, and went to the new shelter which he has built to ask him what I had done that was wrong, and how I could mend it and get back his kindness again. But he put me out in the rain, and it was my first sorrow. Sunday. It is pleasant again now, and I am happy. But those were heavy days. I do not think of them when I can help it. I tried to get him some of those apples, but I cannot learn to throw straight. I failed, but I think the good intention pleased him. They are forbidden, and he says I shall come to harm. But so I come to harm through pleasing him. Why shall I care for that harm? Monday. This morning I told him my name, hoping it would interest him. But he did not care for it. It is strange. If he should tell me his name, I would care. I think it would be pleasanter in my ears than any other sound. He talks very little. Perhaps it is because he is not bright, and is sensitive about it, and wishes to conceal it. It is such a pity that he should feel so, for brightness is nothing. It is in the heart that the values lie. I wish I could make him understand that a loving good heart is riches, and riches enough, and that without it intellect is poverty. Although he talks so little, he has quite a considerable vocabulary. This morning he used a surprisingly good word. He evidently recognized himself that it was a good one, for he worked it in twice afterward, casually. It was good casual art. Still it showed that he possesses a certain quality of perception. Without a doubt that seed can be made to grow, if cultivated. Where did he get that word? I do not think I have ever used it. No. He took no interest in my name. I tried to hide my disappointment, but I suppose I did not succeed. I went away, and sat on the moss-bank with my feet in the water. It is where I go when I hunger for companionship, some one to look at, some one to talk to. It is not enough, that lovely white body painted there in the pool, but it is something, and something is better than utter loneliness. It talks when I talk. It is sad when I am sad. It comforts me with its sympathy. It says, Do not be downhearted, you poor friendless girl. I will be your friend. It is a good friend to me, and my only one. It is my sister. That first time that she forsook me, I shall never forget that. Never, never. My heart was led in my body. I said, She was all I had, and now she is gone. In my despair I said, Break my heart, I cannot bear my life any more, and hid my face in my hands, and there was no solace for me. And when I took them away, after a little, there she was again, white and shining and beautiful, and I sprang into her arms. That was perfect happiness. I had known happiness before, but it was not like this, which was ecstasy. I never doubted her afterward. Sometimes she stayed away, maybe an hour, maybe almost the whole day, but I waited and did not doubt. I said, She is busy, or she is gone on a journey, but she will come. And it was so, she always did. At night she would not come if it was dark, for she was a timid little thing. But if there was a moon she would come. I am not afraid of the dark, but she is younger than I am. She was born after I was. Many and many are the visits I have paid her. She is my comfort and my refuge when my life is hard, and it is mainly that. Tuesday. All the morning I was at work improving the estate, and I purposely kept away from him in the hope that he would get lonely and come. But he did not. At noon I stopped for the day and took my recreation by flitting all about with the bees and the butterflies and reveling in the flowers, those beautiful creatures that catch the smile of God out of the sky and preserve it. I gathered them and made them into wreaths and garlands, and clothed myself in them while I ate my luncheon, apples, of course. Then I sat in the shade and wished and wished. But he did not come. But no matter. Nothing would have come of it, for he does not care for flowers. He called them rubbish, and cannot tell one from another, and thinks it is superior to feel like that. He does not care for me. He does not care for flowers. He does not care for the painted sky at Eventide. Is there anything he does care for, except building shacks to coop himself up in from the good, clean rain, and thumping the melons and sampling the grapes, and fingering the fruit on the trees to see how those properties are coming along? I laid a dry stick on the ground and tried to bore a hole in it with another one in order to carry out a scheme that I had, and soon I got an awful fright. A thin, transparent, bluish film rose out of the hole, and I dropped everything and ran. I thought it was a spirit, and I was so frightened. But I looked back, and it was not coming, so I leaned against a rock and rested and panted, and let my limbs go on trembling until they got steady again. Then I crept warily back, alert, watching, and ready to fly if there was occasion, and when I was come near I parted the branches of a rose-bush and peeped through, wishing the man was about. I was looking so cunning and pretty, but the sprite was gone. I went there, and there was a pinch of delicate pink dust in the hole. I put my finger in to feel it, and said, ouch, and took it out again. It was a cruel pain. I put my finger in my mouth, and by standing first on one foot and then the other and grunting, I presently eased my misery. Then I was full of interest and began to examine. I was curious to know what the pink dust was. Suddenly the name of it occurred to me, though I had never heard of it before. It was fire. I was as certain of it as a person could be of anything in the world. So without hesitation I named it that. Fire. I had created something that didn't exist before. I had added a new thing to the world's uncountable properties. I realized this, and was proud of my achievement, and was going to run and find him and tell him about it, thinking to raise myself in his esteem. But I reflected and did not do it. No, he would not care for it. He would ask what it was good for and what could I answer, for if it was not good for something but only beautiful, merely beautiful. So I sighed and did not go. For it wasn't good for anything. It could not build a shack. It could not improve melons. It could not hurry a fruit-crop. It was useless. It was a foolishness and a vanity. And he would despise it and say cutting words. But to me it was not despicable. I said, Oh, you fire, I love you. You dainty pink creature, for you are beautiful, and that is enough. And was going to gather it to my breast, but refrained. Then I made another maxim out of my head, though it was so nearly like the first one that I was afraid it was only a plagiarism. The burnt experiment shuns the fire. I wrought again, and when I had made a good deal of fire dust, I emptied into a handful of dry brown grass intending to carry it home and keep it always and play with it. But the wind struck it, and it sprayed up and spat out at me fiercely, and I dropped it and ran. When I looked back, the blue spirit was towering up and stretching and rolling away like a cloud, and instantly I thought of the name of it, Smoke, though upon my word I had never heard of Smoke before. Soon brilliant yellow and red flares shot up through the Smoke, and I named them in an instant, Flames, and I was right, too, though these were the very first Flames that had ever been in the world. They climbed the trees, then flashed splendidly in and out of the vast and increasing volume of tumbling Smoke, and I had to clap my hands and laugh and dance in my rapture. It was so new and strange, and so wonderful and so beautiful. He came running, and stopped and gazed, and said not a word for many minutes. Then he asked me what it was. Ah, it was too bad that he should ask such a direct question. I had to answer it, of course, and I did. I said it was fire. If it annoyed him, that I should know, and he must ask, that was not my fault. I had no desire to annoy him. After a pause he asked, how did it come? Another direct question, and it also had to have a direct answer. I made it. The fire was travelling farther and farther off. He went to the edge of the burned place and stood looking down and said, What are these? Fire coals. He picked up one to examine it, but changed his mind and put it down again. Then he went away. Nothing interests him. But I was interested. There were ashes, gray and soft and delicate and pretty. I knew what they were at once, and the embers. I knew the embers, too. I found my apples, and raked them out, and was glad, for I am very young and my appetite is active. But I was disappointed. They were all burst open and spoiled, spoiled apparently. But it was not so. They were better than raw ones. Fire is beautiful. Someday it will be useful, I think. Friday. I saw him again for a moment, last Monday at nightfall, but only for a moment. I was hoping he would praise me for trying to improve the estate, for I had meant well and had worked hard. But he was not pleased and turned away and left me. He was also displeased on another account. I tried once more to persuade him to stop going over the falls. That was because the fire had revealed to me a new passion, quite new and distinctly different from love, grief, and those others which I had already discovered. Fear! And it is horrible. I wish I had never discovered it. It gives me dark moments. It spoils my happiness. It makes me shiver and tremble and shudder. But I could not persuade him, for he has not discovered fear yet, and so he cannot understand me. End of Section 40 This is Section 41 of the $30,000 Bequest and Other Stories by Mark Twain. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. Extract from Adam's Diary Perhaps I ought to remember that she is very young, a mere girl, and make allowances. She is all interest, eagerness, vivacity. The world is to her a charm, a wonder, a mystery, a joy. She can't speak for delight when she finds a new flower. She must pet it and caress it and smell it and talk to it, and pour out endearing names upon it. And she is colour mad, brown rocks, yellow sand, grey moss, green foliage, blue sky, the pearl of the dawn, the purple shadows on the mountains, the golden islands floating in crimson seas at sunset, the pallid moon sailing through the shredded cloud-rock, the star jewels glittering in the wastes of space. None of them is of any practical value so far as I can see, but because they have colour and majesty, that is enough for her, and she loses her mind over them. If she could quiet down and keep still a couple of minutes at a time, it would be a reposeful spectacle. In that case I think I could enjoy looking at her. Indeed I am sure I could, for I am coming to realise that she is a quite remarkably comely creature, lithe, slender, trim, rounded, shapely, nimble, graceful, and once when she was standing marble white and sun drenched on a boulder, with her young head tilted back and her hand shaving her eyes, watching the flight of a bird in the sky, I recognised that she was beautiful. Monday noon. If there is anything on the planet that she is not interested in, it is not in my list. There are animals that I am indifferent to, but it is not so with her. She has no discrimination. She takes to all of them. She thinks they are all treasures. Every new one is welcome. When the mighty Brontosaurus came striding into camp, she regarded it as an acquisition. I considered it a calamity. That is a good sample of the lack of harmony that prevails in our views of things. She wanted to domesticate it. I wanted to make it a present of the homestead and move out. She believed it could be tamed by kind treatment and would be a good pet. I said a pet twenty-one feet high and eighty-four feet long would be no proper thing to have about the place, because even with the best intentions and without meaning any harm it could sit down on the house and mash it, or anyone could see by the look of its eye that it was absent minded. Still her heart was set upon having that monster and she couldn't give it up. She thought she could start a dairy with it and wanted me to help milk it, but I wouldn't. It was too risky. The sex wasn't right, and we hadn't any ladder, anyway. Then she wanted to ride it and look at the scenery. Thirty or forty feet of its tail was lying on the ground, like a fallen tree, and she thought she could climb it, but she was mistaken. When she got to the steep place it was too slick and down she came and would have hurt herself but for me. Was she satisfied now? No. Nothing ever satisfies her but demonstration. Untested theories are not in her line and she won't have them. It is the right spirit. I concede it. It attracts me. I feel the influence of it. If I were with her more I think I should take it up myself. Well, she had one theory remaining about this Colossus. She thought that if we could tame it and make him friendly we could stand in the river and use him for a bridge. It turned out that he was already plenty tame enough, at least as far as she was concerned. So she tried her theory, but it failed. Every time she got him properly placed in the river and went ashore to cross over him he came out and followed her around like a pet mountain, like the other animals. They all do that. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and today, all without seeing him, it is a long time to be alone. Still it is better to be alone than unwelcome. Friday. I had to have company. I was made for it, I think, so I made friends with the animals. They are just charming and they have the kindest disposition in the politest ways. They never look sour. They never let you feel that you are intruding. They smile at you and wag their tail, if they've got one. And they are always ready for a romp or an excursion or anything you want to propose. I think they are perfect gentlemen. All these days we have had such good times and it hasn't been lonesome for me ever. Lonesome? No, I should say not. Why, there's always a swarm of them around, sometimes as much as four or five acres. You can't count them. And when you stand on a rock in the midst and look out over the furry expanse it is so mottled and splashed and gay with color and frisking sheen and sun-flash and so rippled with stripes that you might think it was a lake. Only you know it isn't. And there's storms of sociable birds and hurricanes of whirring wings, and when the sun strikes all that feathery commotion you have a blazing up of all the colors you can think of. Enough to put your eyes out. We have made long excursions and I have seen a great deal of the world, almost all of it I think, and so I am the first traveller and the only one. When we are on the march it is an imposing sight, there's nothing like it anywhere. For comfort I ride a tiger or a leopard, because it is soft and has a round back that fits me, and because they are such pretty animals. And for long distance or for scenery I ride the elephant. He hoists me up with his trunk, but I can get off myself. When we are ready to camp he sits and I slide down the back way. The birds and animals are all friendly to each other and there are no disputes about anything. They all talk and they all talk to me. But it must be a foreign language, for I cannot make out a word they say. Yet they often understand me when I talk back, particularly the dog and the elephant. It makes me ashamed. It shows that they are brighter than I am, for I want to be the principal experiment myself, and I intend to be too. I have learned a number of things and am educated now, but I wasn't at first. I was ignorant at first. At first it used to vex me, because with all my watching I was never smart enough to be around when the water was running uphill. But now I do not mind it. I have experimented and experimented until now I know it never does run uphill, except in the dark. I know it does in the dark, because the pool never goes dry, which it would, of course, if the water didn't come back in the night. It is best to prove things by actual experiment, then you know. Whereas if you depend on guessing and supposing and conjecturing, you never get educated. Some things you can't find out. But you will never know you can't by guessing and supposing. No, you have to be patient and go on experimenting until you find out that you can't find out. And it is delightful to have it that way. It makes the world so interesting. If there wasn't anything to find out, it would be dull. Even trying to find out and not finding out is just as interesting as trying to find out and finding out, and I don't know but more so. The secret of the water was a treasure until I got it. Then the excitement all went away, and I recognized a sense of loss. By experiment I know that wood swims, and dry leaves, and feathers, and plenty of other things. Therefore, by all that cumulative evidence, you know that a rock will swim. But you have to put up with simply knowing it for there isn't any way to prove it, up to now. But I shall find a way, then that excitement will go. Such things make me sad, because by and by when I have found out everything there won't be any more excitements, and I do love excitement so. The other night I couldn't sleep for thinking about it. At first I couldn't make out what I was made for, but now I think it was to search out the secrets of this wonderful world and be happy, and thank the giver of it all for devising it. I think there are many things to learn yet, I hope so, and by economizing and not hurrying too fast I think they will last weeks and weeks. I hope so. When you cast up a feather it sails away on the air and goes out of sight. Then you throw up a clod and it doesn't. It comes down every time. I have tried it and tried it, and it is always so. I wonder why it is. Of course it doesn't come down, but why should it seem to? I suppose it is an optical illusion. I mean, one of them is. I don't know which one. It may be the feather. It may be the clod. I can't prove which it is. I can only demonstrate that one or the other is a fake, and let a person take his choice. By watching I know that the stars are not going to last. I have seen some of the best ones melt and run down the sky. Since one can melt, they can all melt. Since they can all melt, they can all melt the same night. That sorrow will come, I know it. I mean to sit up every night and look at them as long as I can keep awake, and I will impress those sparkling fields on my memory, so that by and by, when they are taken away, I can by my fancy restore those lovely myriads to the black sky, and make them sparkle again, and double them by the blur of my tears. After the fall. When I look back, the garden is a dream to me. It was beautiful, surpassingly beautiful, enchantingly beautiful. And now it is lost, and I shall not see it any more. The garden is lost, but I have found him and am content. He loves me as well as he can. I love him with all the strength of my passionate nature, and this, I think, is proper to my youth and sex. If I ask myself why I love him, I find I do not know, and do not really much care to know. So I suppose that this kind of love is not a product of reasoning and statistics, like one's love for other reptiles and animals. I think that this must be so. I love certain birds because of their song, but I do not love Adam on account of his singing. No, it is not that. The more he sings, the more I do not get reconciled to it. Yet I ask him to sing, because I wish to learn to like everything he is interested in. I am sure I can learn, because at first I could not stand it, and now I can. It sours the milk, but it doesn't matter. I can get used to that kind of milk. It is not on account of his brightness that I love him. No, it is not that. He is not to blame for his brightness, such as it is, for he did not make it himself. He is, as God made him, and that is sufficient. There was a wise purpose in it, that I know. In time it will develop, though I think it will not be sudden. And besides, there is no hurry. He is well enough just as he is. It is not on account of his gracious and considerate ways and his delicacy that I love him. No, he has lacks in this regard, but he is well enough just so, and is improving. It is not on account of his industry that I love him. No, it is not that. I think he has it in him, and I do not know why he conceals it from me. It is my only pain. Otherwise he is frank and open with me now. I am sure he keeps nothing from me but this. It grieves me that he should have a secret from me, and sometimes it spoils my sleep thinking of it, but I will put it out of my mind. It shall not trouble my happiness, which is otherwise full to overflowing. It is not on account of his education that I love him. No, it is not that. He is self-educated and does really know a multitude of things, but they are not so. It is not on account of his chivalry that I love him. No, it is not that. He told on me, but I do not blame him. It is a peculiarity of sex, I think, and he did not make his sex. Of course, I would not have told on him. I would have perished first. But that is a peculiarity of sex, too, and I do not take credit for it, for I did not make my sex. Then why is it that I love him? Merely because he is masculine, I think. At bottom he is good, and I love him for that, but I could love him without it. If he should beat me and abuse me, I should go on loving him. I know it. It is a matter of sex, I think. He is strong and handsome, and I love him for that, and I admire him and am proud of him. But I could not love him without those qualities. If he were plain, I should love him. If he were a wreck, I should love him. And I would work for him, and slave over him, and pray for him, and watch by his bedside until I died. Yes, I think I love him merely because he is mine and is masculine. There is no other reason, I suppose, and so I think it is as I first said, that this kind of love is not a product of reasonings and statistics. It just comes. None knows whence, and cannot explain itself, and doesn't need to. It is what I think. But I am only a girl, the first that has examined this matter, and it may turn out that in my ignorance and inexperience I have not got it right. Forty Years Later It is my prayer, it is my longing, that we may pass from this life together, a longing which shall never perish from the earth, but shall have place in the heart of every wife that loves until the end of time, and it shall be called by my name. But if one of us must go first, it is my prayer that it shall be I, for he is strong, I am weak, I am not so necessary to him as he is to me. Life without him would not be life. How could I endure it? This prayer is also immortal, and will not cease from being offered up while my race continues. I am the first wife, and in the last wife I shall be repeated. At Eve's Grave Adam, wheresoever she was, there was Eden. End of Section 41 And End of the $30,000 Bequest and Other Stories by Mark Twain Read by John Greenman