 The Jack Benny program quality of product is essential to continuing success Lucky strike means fine tobacco so round so firm so fully packed so free and easy on the drawer LS MFT LS MFT LS MFT remember year in year out lucky strike means fine tobacco and in a cigarette It's the tobacco that counts independent tobacco experts auctioneers buyers and warehouses men Men who spend their lives buying selling and handling tobacco can see just who buys what tobacco and year after year at auction after auction They can see the makers of lucky strike consistently select and buy that fine that light that naturally mild tobacco Remember lucky strike means fine tobacco and fine tobacco means real deep down smoking enjoyment for you So smoke that smoke of fine tobacco lucky strike so round so firm so fully packed so free and easy on the drawer Program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston Bill Harris Rochester Dennis day and yours truly Don Wilson Ladies and gentlemen people often wonder what a comedian does after he finishes his radio program Well, let's go back to last Sunday afternoon. The Jack Benny program is over and Jack and Mary are leaving the studio See Mary, I like the show we did and I didn't you yeah, but not a terrific mystery sketch. I did the fiddler see I am the Influenced the lives of innocent people. I make them steal hate and even murder Jack put away that night the program's over Just cleaning my fingernail and well, I thought it was a wonderful sketch What are you laughing at? I'll never forget the look on your face when you open the door where you thought the murder was and found the quartet instead Oh, yes, then you don't marry those guys are driving me nuts. I wish there were some way. I could get rid of them if I could just Say I've got it. Oh, no Jack. Where would you hide the body? I Wasn't thinking of that anyway, I gotta figure out some way Jack. Let's stop in the drugstore for a snack Well, look Mary's only five o'clock. You'll wait till later. I'll take you out and buy you a full course dinner I'm no gambler. I'll take a sandwich now All right, all right, come on here to see Jack. Oh, yeah, what are you gonna have Mary? Oh, I don't know. Oh, here's something that looks good a dunker special a dunker special What's that coffee donuts and a rubber glove 15 cents? No, I don't get that I had it last time the glove had a hole in it What are you gonna have? Yeah, I don't know. Oh waiter waiter No him again. Now, let's see waiter. I'll have a chiss-sweet, Sam I see mr. Kitzel is still working here. Have you made up your mind yet muscle bow? Yes, I'll have a chocolate mullet milk one chocolate molded milk put an egg in it Wait a minute. I don't want an egg in it. Have you looked in the mirror lately? All right, give me a mullet milk with an egg in it fried or scrambled Look, I want a mullet milk with an egg in it just a plain raw egg. All right one molded milk for a barbarian Look waiter. Why is it you always Jack let it go? You know you always antagonize him I do not you do too You know Mary, I'm never gonna come in here again if that waiter doesn't stop with a little extra Benny Can I sit here with you and miss Livingston? Oh, hello Dennis. I thought you went home I came in for a sandwich first and you know what I just weighed myself. Oh, I weigh 140 pounds stripped Strip. Yeah, I took the weighing machine into the phone booth And when I put in a penny a little card came out. What did they kid it said put on your pants a lady Want to use the phone? Stop being silly. Here's your sandwich miss. Thank you. And here's yours Hey, wait a minute. I ordered a mullet milk. This is an ice cream soda. That's not ice cream. That's an egg Well, at least you could have broken it Thanks for breaking a if I could break an egg. I'd punch you right in the nose Well, let me tell you Jack Jack sit down everybody's looking at you. All right, but I don't want this mullet milk I'm gonna have a cup of coffee and I don't want this guy waiting on me. Oh, mr. Kitzel mr. Kitzel I'm reading that new book the herring and I Well come here a matter will you? Yes, sir. Mr. Kitzel I always have trouble with this waiter Will you please take care of me? What pleasure? What will you have a cup of coffee? Thank you. Thank you Just plain coffee, thank you. Well, hello everybody well down sit down have a sandwich or something. Oh, no, thanks Jack I just dropped in the way myself. Oh, that's a little card you got out of the scale down. Yes, let me see it Oh, come on, let me see it. Oh, okay here. Say don What do you laugh at that Mary What's what's the weight on the card Mary doesn't give any weight it just says get off. You're hurting me Hey, that's pretty good they don't as long as you're here I want to talk to you about that quartet now. I'm not well well if it ain't that old gang of mine. Hello Phil Hey Phil, how'd your show go today dynamite Jackson dynamite and say you know that gag you called up and gave me yesterday Yeah, yeah, it laid there But I didn't need it my charming personality made it roll Jackson it roll Hey waiter. What'll it be? Give me a Phil hair special. Okay one ham. I'm let's put a wave in it And what I mean thing to drink with it, mr. Harris doesn't a drink. I'm on the wagon Well, he means coffee tea or milk. Oh waiter, I'll have a cup of tea, please And you want cream or lemon with it. Gee that sounds good. Give me the cream and lemon and never mind the tea Dennis grow up will you? Okay, come on Mary. I'll walk you home. So long fellas Hey Jackson, what about the check you and Dennis can split it. You've both got shows of your own now I Let me see where's my house. Oh, there it is. I don't know what I do without these fog lights on my knees Processor oh boss you're home a little later than you do. Yes. Yes You see Miss Livingston felt hungry. So I took her to the macambo. Did you say Macambo boss? Yes Now on our way home. We stopped off for a few dances at zero zero. Yes And then I thought as long as I took her to the macambo and seros There'd be nice boss. You're in the house now in the neighbors can't hear how are things at the drugstore? Rochester, how did you know that I was at the drugstore mr. Benny you can fool some of the neighbors all the time and all the neighbors some of the time But I know why I've been to seros and you know it well. It's been a long day, Rochester I think I'll go up to bed just a minute. I'll strap on my Indian Papoose bag. You don't have to carry me And walk upstairs myself. I'll make my bed. Will you please? Yes, sir? I'm going in the library and get a book Hello, Polly. Hello. Hello Did Polly hear daddy on its program today? Hello again. Hello again. Oh Then you did hear the show come on up Holly. What else did you hear on my program? Come on? Come on? Come on. What else did you hear? Ham hocks and turnip greens. That's right. Keep on come on, Polly Come on keep going. That's what I like about about what come on Polly about what? That's what I like about. That's what I like about. Oh, never mind. I'll I'll teach you tomorrow. Now. Let's see. What book do I want here? This one will do the south right Polly That's it. I'll say the whole thing. That's what I like about. Come on Polly. Say the whole thing That's what I like about. That's what I like about the whole thing Well, I'm going to bed good night Polly. I don't know what's the matter with that bird can't keep her mind on things Every year at this time. She acts the same stays that way until the Swallows come back to Capistrano. Oh Well, I guess if I had feathers I didn't understand Your bed's already boys here your pajamas. Good. Good. Why are you going to bed so early? It's not early. It's half past eight Anyway, I'm always nervous and upset after the program on Sundays that quartet that sings a commercial drives me crazy But boss, I think it's nice to have a music with a commercial Rochester. All Wilson has to say is LS MFT L S MFT Lucky strike means fine tobacco. Yes. Lucky strike means fine tobacco so round so firm so fully packed So free and easy on the draw That's all he has to say and people will walk down to the nearest store and buy lucky strikes I know but if you do it music, they'll dance down I'm Jack Benny not Arthur Murray I'm going to bed. Please turn out the light. Okay Good night, boys. Good night. Oh Rochester Yes, boss blow off my jack-o-lantern. It scares me Yes, good night Gee certainly glad I went to bed early. I Don't feel like reading either Maybe I'll listen to the radio a little while And that concludes another session of our very popular quiz program take it and go already What was that lovely Patricia Duvall will sing that beautiful ballad. I'll see you in my dreams See, I love that number. There must be something wrong with my radio. It must be the radio Requested that nice quartet. Why can't my quartet sing as good as that? What are you doing in my bedroom? We just came out of your radio. We're the quartet called the sportsman Say You fellas are wonderful Yeah, I wish you were my quartet. We are You mean you mean you're the same fellas who do my commercials You are the guys Well, let me ask you something Why don't you sing for me like you did on that program? I just heard because you antagonize us. I do not Do wait a minute you fellas, this is some trick you are not the same guys who do my commercials. Oh, we're not a You guys think you're so smart well, this is the last time I'm gonna have trouble with you put down that gun It's too late now take that tenors are hard to kill Well, I guess that'll hold you for a while Now come on you guys Come on get out of here get out Wait a minute They're dead. I killed them I Killed them But I didn't mean to you're in the court order in the court in the court What am I doing here? The next trial will be the case of Jack Benny versus the people of Anaheim Azusa and my darling Clementine Wait a minute Wait a minute. What what am I charged with you are charged with killing your quartet? That's a crime Yes, and not only murder but the court attendant will read the following charges on the night of September 30th Jack Benny willfully and with malice of forethought dead You'll be sorry I Did all that yes and anything you say will be used against you You better let your lawyer do all your talking, but but I haven't got a lawyer. This is a fine. How do you do? How do you do? You Dennis Dennis you're my lawyer silly boy Dennis you my lawyer certainly don't you remember you hired me for 35 dollars a week But but kid I only hired you to sing on my radio program Yes, but in the fine print of my contract it says that I have to be your lawyer when I'm not mowing your lawn Yes, I remember I hired you because you weighed 140 pounds strip Everyone rise here comes his honor the judge What is this? I don't need any trial when the judge hears my story. You'll know that I'm innocent Yes, such a kind intelligent face Oh judge Are are you the judge? Yes, and let's get on with the execution You mean twilight. I know how it's going to end You mean I'm gonna be Dennis Dennis you're my lawyer say something to each his own What it's either that or plead guilty Gee, I'm glad you thought of that. Hi. It's Jackson Phil. So what are you doing here? I'm the district attorney, and I ain't gonna rest until you're executed Yeah, you're the district attorney. You've got two shows now Who appointed you district attorney for Trello? Oh But Phil you're not a lawyer you're a musician. I know you're a musician. Oh trying to plead insanity But I'm not I'm not trying to plead insanity Ladies and gentlemen, we interrupt this trial to bring you a spot announcement. What happened to spot. Oh Well, he was probably He was probably just a summer replacement Anyway, anyway, I know I'll get out of this mess. I know I will sure you will Jack. Don't worry Don't where'd you come from Eastern Columbia Broadway at night? What I'm the big clock that's cock Now the prosecution calls it surprise witness miss Mary Livingston Hello, Philzie. Hi a judge Miss Livingston, please take your usual seat. No judge. I might spoil the crease in your pants. I better sit in the witness chair Gee and their nylons, too And look look at those fog lights on her knees with dimples on them Miss Livingston before you're allowed to testify the bailiff will swear you in go ahead bae Miss Livingston Do you swear to kill the truth the whole truth we pickle in the middle and the bust of our time No with the mustard in the middle and the bananas in the refrigerator Gee that's the way they swear and witnesses today now miss Livingston as the prosecuting attorney I want to ask you have you ever been out on a date with the defendant Jack Benny? Yes Several times mr. Benny ever attempt to kiss you sure mr. Benny is a caveman type of lover Yes one kiss and he caves in I do not now miss Livingston concerning the alleged murder of this quartet. Do you overrule but nobody objected? I know and it was getting awfully dull Dennis Dennis the judge is against me. I'm afraid. I'm afraid. I tell you order in the court The 497th day of the trial of Jack Benny is on Gee I'm so tired now miss. You're a brand new witness. Please tell us all about yourself. I am a telephone operator My name is Gaykara gear chef. I Woke at NBC Wednesday is my night off if you know what I mean Now when you work at NBC you hear all the telephone conversations that come through don't you know there are other switchboards I'm on the first Mabel's on the second and Greenberg's on three Greenberg How did he get in here? And I'm a scare ship you asked to be brought here as a witness tell the court in your own words exactly what you said to me In my office this afternoon. I said stop your smear in my lipstick No, no, I said that too, but you wouldn't listen Dennis I don't like the way the trial is going. I tell you. I'm worried now mr. Benny. Will you please take the stand? Yes, sir, mr. Benny. What is your occupation? I? Am the fit I play by night I Influenced Order in the court the jury will now give their verdict so fast foreman. Have you reached a verdict? Good what is your decision? We find the defendant Jack Benny guilty of guilty of guilty of what the whole thing? But this is ridiculous. I'm innocent. I tell you I never was responsible for anyone's death in my entire life. What about the gas man? Rochester stand aside your honor Your honor please listen to me your honor. I admit that I killed my poor Ted But it was justifiable homicide They were making me a nervous wreck They were they were driving me crazy. I Was paying them five hundred dollars a week They never sang good for me. They always sang beautifully on other programs So pretty with such beautiful harmony Remember because I I heard them the night I killed them. I was lying in bed I turn on my radio. I must have fallen asleep. I forgot to turn off the radio My good friend LA Speedway Remember this all important fact it takes fine tobacco to make a fine cigarette and lucky strike means fine tobacco Mr. John L. Pinnick's independent tobacco warehouse men of Reedsville, North Carolina has operated tobacco warehouses for 28 years He said at all the auctions. I've attended I've seen the makers of lucky strike by tobacco that just can't be beat when it comes to smoking enjoyment That's why for 28 years. I've been a lucky strike smoker year after year at auction after auction Independent tobacco experts like mr. Pinnick's can see the makers of lucky strike Consistently selected by that fine that light that naturally mild tobacco fine light naturally mild tobacco Yes, lucky strike means fine tobacco and fine tobacco means real deep down smoking enjoyment for you LS MFT LS MFT LS MFT Lucky strike means fine tobacco so smoke that smoke of fine tobacco lucky strike so round so firm so fully packed So free and easy on the draw the famous tobacco auctioneers heard on tonight's programmer. Mr. LA speed rigs of Goldsboro, North Carolina And mr. Effie Boone of Lexington, Kentucky 59 I'm everything I'll rise Dale speaking for lucky strike the cigarette of fine tobacco Gee, you know one of the silliest dreams I ever had Oh, well, I'll get back to sleep again On that Rochester, I told him to blow out my jack-o'-lantern