 Well, last Friday, Madison High School held its annual winter outing, and Armist Brooks, who teaches English at Madison, was one of those scheduled to attend. Yes, this local version of the Polar Bear Club is quite a tradition at school. It was started many years ago by Madison's beloved and hardy founder, Yodar Kritch. It has since been carried on by our current principal, the beloved and neurotic Osgood Conklin. Since this frosty festival occurred during our official time off, attendance was not compulsory, but as Mr. Conklin so gracefully put it, be there. Everyone was given the opportunity to volunteer for some task or other, and after counting the welts on my back, I volunteered to arrange the lunch basket. Therefore, Friday morning, with the temperature hovering around 40, I found myself in the kitchen of the school cafeteria with my landlady, Mrs. Davis. Now, you look pretty this morning, Connie. Those earrings you're wearing are just lovely. What earrings? These are icicles. Aren't you freezing, Mrs. Davis? No, Connie, I'm quite comfortable. Well, no wonder. Move over and let me stand in front of that open stove with you. Even with these rubber gloves on, my hands are cold. It's certainly a dreadful day for a picnic. I'll never forget last year's little outing. Even the red ants had blue lips. I reminded Mr. Boynton about it the other day. I just couldn't warm up at that picnic. Nothing seemed to help. Heavy clothes, hot coffee. There must have been something there that could heat you up. He was, but he didn't. As a matter of fact, he spent most of the day with Miss Enright. You should have seen her showing off. Hiking, climbing trees. Miss Enright's very proud of her athletic ability, isn't she? She gives me a pain in the sacroiliac. And the way she fawns over Mr. Boynton... She does have quite a crush on him, doesn't she? You can say that again. She does have... Never mind. Now, where were we? Quite a crush on him, doesn't she? But I think your feelings toward Daisy Enright are perfectly justified. She's a conniving, ruthless, brazenly flirtatious cat, Connie. Well, it's Walter Denton. I'll salute you ladies in a minute. First, I gotta get rid of these basketball uniforms. May I use one of these empty baskets? Certainly, Walter, but why are you bringing these soiled uniforms into the cafeteria? To get them unsoiled. They're picked up by the same laundry that does the cafeteria's linens. Sounds reasonable. Yeah, it works out fine. Except that once in a while the dish towels come back with knee pads. We got a lot of important games next week. That's why I gotta get these into the laundry today. Want some coffee before we stow the jugs away, Walter? No, thanks, Miss Brooks. Say, how come you and Mrs. Davis got rubber gloves on? Mr. Conklin's orders. He's a bug on sanitary conditions in the kitchen. Sometimes I think the germs frighten him as much as he frightens germs. Don't, don't exaggerate, dear. Now, I'll just go and cover the lunch basket with the sterilized tablecloth, and we're ready. I'll be right back, Connie. I'm gonna go down to Mr. Conklin's office and find out when he wants to leave, Mrs. Davis. Very well, dear. Have a nice time. Oh, sure. Are you going to the outing, Walter? Yes, ma'am. Why? Well, since she's Mr. Conklin's daughter, Harriet Conklin has got to go. And it's an old biological truism, Miss Brooks, that where the honey goes, there goeth the bee. I see. But why are you going, Miss Brooks? You're gonna drive out to the picnic grounds with Mr. Boynton. A remarkable deduction, Walter. Gosh, that's a break. All along with the man of your dreams, clear out the Critch Canyon. Actually, old Marblehead, Mr. Conklin, would love to call it off. How do you know? Well, I just left him talking to Harriet in his office. With the heat shut off in there, he's cold already. He was waving his arms and beating his chest to keep his circulation going. And every time he mentioned Yodar Critch, you should have heard his teeth. His teeth? Honest to Pete, his cracker, he's cracking like cast in that. All the ridiculous Yodar Critch indeed. What did you say, Daddy? I don't usually chew my cabbage twice, Harriet. But if you must know, I merely said... Breathing in here. It's very hard to understand you, Daddy. Are you really that cold? No, no, not at all, Harriet. I'm only thumping my dentures together to sharpen them. But don't you want to go to the outing, Daddy? No, I don't want to go to the outing, Daddy. The last time I crawled in that deep freeze we call Critch Canyon, it took me a week to defrost my arteries. But the temperature is only in the low 40s, Daddy. How can you stand there and shiver like that? I study nights. Oh, it's the use. It can't be much worse out there than it is in this office. Every time that blasted door opens, it sets me off on another spasm of chill. I'm awfully sorry, Daddy. Maybe you should... I'll get it. Who's got the dice? It's a freeze. It's the only logical thing to do. Hello, Mr. Conklin. Hello, Mr. Bruce. I was just reading this book. I've got to meet Walter Denton in the cafeteria. See you at the outing. All right, Harriet. Well, sir, I just wanted to let you know that everything's ready. Well, Mr. Brooks, I have been thinking, as you well know, I'm a great boy for tradition. Oh, I know that, Mr. Conklin. You're just about the most... Oh, hear me out, please. Each year, since I've been principal of this institution, I have faithfully, naysillously carried out the yearly pilgrimage initiated by Madison's beloved founder, Yoda Critch. But in view of the present unseemly weather, well... Oh, I'd give anything to chicken out. I'm afraid it's too late now, Mr. Conklin. I've heard that several members of the board expect to be there. Oh, well, if we must, we must. Now, tell me, Mr. Brooks, was the food prepared according to my hygienic standards? Oh, yes, indeed. I made most of the sandwiches with my own feet. I mean, my own... ...gloved hands. In fact, I'd better get back and help Mr. Boyd and load them into his car right now. Very well, Mr. Brooks, you're dismissed. Aye-aye, sir. Oh, s-s-sorry. Oh, it was on the sandwich basket, Walter. Oh, I used it to cover the basketball uniforms that are going to the laundry area. It was soiled, so I put a clean one on the picnic basket when I carried it out to the front of the cafeteria. But why'd you do that? Well, so as to make it more convenient for Mr. Boyd to pick them up. He'll probably park in front of the school. But where's the laundry to be picked up? That's right here by the kitchen door. I don't like to rush your children, but the school bus is leaving pretty soon. Shouldn't you be on it? We have to wait for Mr. Brooks, Mrs. Davis. Yeah, that is. We would have to unless you can give her the message. I'd be glad to, dear. What is it? Just say that Walter placed the lunch basket up front in the cafeteria and the laundry's back here. Will you be sure and tell her, Mrs. Davis? Oh, of course I will, dear. You run along now. Okay, Mrs. Davis. Come on, Harriet. Root all through the red nose and rain here. Ah, sweet children. Well, I'd better wash my hands now. Hello, Mrs. Davis. I'm back. Hello, Connie. This water must be hotter than it feels. My hands are all red. Take your gloves off, Mrs. Davis. Well, we'll be leaving very shortly. Mr. Conklin's resigned to a day of chill-blame. Ah, that's nice, dear. I'll come out to Critch Canyon later with some of the folks on the board. Well, I'll be running along, Connie. I hope Mr. Conklin is pleased with everything. He gets very touchy when anything goes wrong on an outing. I know it, Mrs. Davis, but I'm determined not to worry. Like you always say, I believe that everything will come out in the wash. Well, during the next half hour, everything proceeded according to plan, with one slight exception. Since Mrs. Davis hadn't informed her of the fact that Walter switched the positions of the laundry basket and the lunch basket when the laundry man came, Thomas Brooks stood serenely by while he walked off with the food, leaving for the days outing a big basket of delicious athletic uniforms. At no, Mr. Boykin joined Ms. Brooks in the kitchen of the cafeteria. Hi, Ms. Brooks. Is this the basket for the picnic over by the wall? That's it. Why is it covered with a tablecloth? That was Mrs. Davis' idea. She said she didn't want the sandwiches to catch cold. You're too of a kind, all right. Oh, it's joking. You mind if I lift up the cloth and take a peek at our coming feast? Oh, I'd rather you didn't, Mr. Boykin. This lunch is going to be a big surprise. It should be nice and cozy driving up to Critch Canyon, just the two of us. Well, you mean just the four of us. Four? Well, Mr. Conklin's wife drove their car over to her mother's for the day. So I invited him to join us. Oh, dandy. And our other passenger? Miss Enright had no transportation either. Miss Enright? Now, that's what I call a nice forth for bridge. Only I hope it's a real high bridge. I know you're joking. Miss Enright's very fond of you, Ms. Brooks. Why, only this morning she told me how much she admires your informality and your complete lack of ostentatiousness. Miss Enright said that? Certainly. She pointed out how most of the female members of our faculty spend precious minutes fussing with their hair and makeup before coming to school. But you, Miss Brooks, she's as you come to school even when you look like a witch. Why bother with your car? We can fly to the canyon on my broom. Look, Mr. Boyden, why do we have to pick up Miss Enright? Well, we don't have to pick her up. She's out in the car now. She's planned several interesting athletic events for the outing, tug of war, a potato sack raised, three-legged sprints, all sorts of games and contests. Hello, Mr. Boyden. Didn't want you to get lonesome in this great big kitchen all by yourself. But, Miss Enright, Miss Brooks is here. Well, that's what I mean. How are you, darling? Hi. I see you're all dressed for the potato sack race. This potato sack I'm wearing? Yes. It's a skirt. Now, may I ask you a question? Of course. When are you going to pull the rip cord and bail out of that thing you're wearing? She's just a doll, Mr. Boyden. A great big cuddly rag doll. Really, you're so amusing this morning, darling, aren't you? Playful as a kitten. Yes, Mother. Excuse me, I'd better load the basket into my car, ladies. Want some assistance, Mr. Boyden? No, I think I can handle it all right. I'll just get this side with one hand, this side with the other, and... Is it heavy, Mr. Boyden? Heavy. Feels like a bag of wet laundry. I'll be back in a few minutes, and we can lock up and leave. Do hurry, dear Mr. Boyden. Well, Miss Brooks, now that we're alone, we can be honest with one another. Tell me, have you been invited to the Yodara Critch ceremonies in the gym tonight? Not yet, Miss Enright. Mr. Conklin's being very choosy with his invitation. Yes, I know. Of course, he's already invited me. And under the circumstances, I don't believe it'll be any trick at all for me to persuade Mr. Conklin to let me bring a certain male biology teacher along with me. Do you see what I'm getting at? I should. You've been trying to get at him for over six years. Frankly, I don't think it'll be any trick at all for Mr. Boyden to reject your proposal, Miss Enright. Me? Rejected? Oh, come now, Daisy. You've been turned down more often than a bedspread. If you'll recall, Miss Know-It-All, I wasn't turned down as last year's outing. Not after our outdoorsy biologist friend watched me romp off with every athletic event. In fact, he was very attentive to me that evening. Yes, I'm afraid he was. I suppose you'll put on a lulu of a show for him this afternoon. Naturally. During the past year, I've sharpened my athletic talents, Miss Brooks. Even you must be aware of my tremendous prowess. Not only me, Miss Enright, everybody knows that you have the most tremendous prowess in the entire school. Exactly how do you mean that, Miss Brooks? If the girdle fits, wear it. Oh, you poor warped, darling. I'll be pitying you tonight while I'm dancing with Mr. Boyden. Did the possibility ever occur to you that I might be invited to this affair? Oh, yes, but it's a remote possibility, darling. Frankly, I don't think you stand a chance. Well, maybe that's better for both of us. By not sharing the same dance floor, I might well be saved from a manslaughter rap. A manslaughter, Miss Brooks? You know how the song goes, don't you? When we're dancing and you're dangerously near me. I get ideas. I get ideas. A short time later, the intrepid band of Madison High pioneers were at the picnic grounds in Yodar Critch Canyon. Oh, the wind sure blows through this canyon, doesn't it, Harriet? It's even worse than last year, Walter. But everybody seems to be having a pretty good time. Yeah, especially Mr. Boyden and Miss Enright. Oh, say that reminds me. He told me he was running short of guinea pigs in his lab, so he brought a mousetrap along to try and catch a field mouse or two. He told me to be sure and set it for him before he entered the next contest. Where is the trap? Miss Brooks is keeping it for him. Miss Brooks? At least she got custody of the mousetrap. Come on, she's right over there by the fire. Hi, Miss Brooks. Oh, hello, Walter, Harriet. Mr. Boyden wants his trap set now, Miss Brooks, so if you... I set the trap already, Walter. Tell Mr. Boyden he can forget about it. Okay, Miss Brooks, thanks. I see you've got the old lunch basket handy. Want me to take the tablecloth off for you? No, Walter, we're not to touch anything until the members of the board arrive. I wish they'd hurry. I'm starved. It sure is cold out here. See, look over there. Somebody built a snowman. That's your father. He's formed some mighty attractive icicles today. He's been a very good sport so far. It's for him. He's even won a couple of the contests. Of course, Miss Enright's sweeping most of the ladies' events. Oh, wait a minute. There she goes again. It's another race and she's leading. Come on, Miss Enright! Stay to sack race. Naturally, her sack was fixed. That's right. I fixed it myself. How did you fix her sack? Where do you think I set the mouse trap? Rest on my shoulder, Miss Enright. Easy now. Easy. Oh, thank you, Mr. Boynton. So, Miss Brooks, you deliberately planted that trap in my sack. Why, Miss Enright, how can you even think such an obviously accurate thought? The clamp caused some minor surface injuries when it descended. However, there are no broken bones. Don't blame me. You should have brought a bigger trap. Oh, hello, Mrs. Davis. Did you come down with the board members? Yes, dear. They're still piling out of the car. But I thought I'd come on ahead and help you unpack the lunch. I'll lend a hand if you want me to. And I'll go tell Daddy we're just about ready to begin eating. Oh, before we do anything else, Connie, there's something I forgot to tell you at school today. What's that, Mrs. Davis? Yes, that Walter switched the lunch basket to the front of the cafeteria and left the laundry by the back door. What? But the stuff at the back door is what Mr. Boynton brought with us. Holy cow, then, the only things in this basket are uniforms. What a charming dilemma. And I wanted to wangle an invitation to the dance tonight. Uh-oh. Uh, hello, Mr. Conclean. Well, now that everyone's arrived, let's get set up for the meal of a lifetime. Uh, Mr. Conclean, I... We can talk later, later. I'll just lift off this tablecloth. There we are, huh? Doesn't that look good, Ms. Brooks? Hand me that sleeveless jersey. Nothing like a tasty sleeveless jersey when the chill blasts of old men whistle through the canyon and fill the air with... Hand me that sleeveless jersey! Everyone, where's our lunch? Mr. Conclean, I have some wonderful news for you. For years, I've respected your campaign to ensure sanitary conditions in the kitchens of our public schools. Never have there been such a crusader for pure, hygienic, germ-free food. Just what are you trying to say, Ms. Brooks? Mr. Conclean, when they get back from the laundry, we'll have the cleanest sandwiches in town. Good, following New Barton's ranch drive was produced and directed by Larry Burns, written by Joe Quillan and Al Lois with the music of Wilbur Hatch. Mr. Conclean was played by Gale Gorton. Others in tonight's cast were Jane Morgan, Dick Crenna, Bob Rockwell and Whitfield and Mary Jane Croft.