 Aloha, Foundation staff, new and old alike. To anyone in the anomalous community who's reading a bootleg copy of this, fuck you. And also, fuck whoever's responsible for the leak in the first place, unless it's me. No, no, especially if it's me. Whatever. So the L5's have been on my case for a while now about writing my own field manual in order to pass on my expertise to the younger generation. Increasingly so, since I find myself less and less of the younger generation as time goes on, since there's a recent uptick in staff stories about me, I decided now is as good a time as ever to release my field manual. How to survive when reality doesn't, by Alto Clef. And within these pages, you'll learn how to deal with reality benders and what to do if the laws of physics go sideways without warning. I don't like to go on tangents though so you might have to sift through some bullshit to get the good stuff. I just wanted to give it mushrooms and see if it affects them the same way he does plants. They looked at me like I was an idiot. Mushrooms aren't plants Alto, they're fungi. I mean I know that. But he's a biblical SCP and back in ye old Bible times, when he used the modern system of taxonomical nomenclature, they didn't have a system. All names were colloquial, which is why when the Bible calls Jonah's whale a great fish it isn't wrong, a fish was anything that lived in the water. The Catholic Church even officially declared that beavers were fish in the 17th century so you could eat them during the Lent. So if by biblical logic a beaver is a fish then surely mushrooms are plants? At the time Cain was cursed no one knew what fungi were. Even Aristotle divided the living world into just plants and animals so it makes sense that Cain's curse would extend to fungi, which ancient people would not have distinguished from plants. Of course due to the foundation's damn bureaucracy I still don't know. It would be so simple just pick up some mushrooms from the nearest supermarket and give them to Cain and see what happens. Denied by the ethics committee for reckless endangerment of mushrooms or some bullshit like that. I don't actually know why it was denied, probably just out of spite. I got close to Cain once with a can of Campbell's Mushroom Soup but security tackled me before I could open the can. Actually no, it was the Heinz Soup. What the fuck was I doing with the Heinz Soup? Yes he really rode 682. Yes he really got a water bottle stuck on his dick. I mean the question remains, can he ride 682 with a water bottle on his dick? The most frequent response to my requests is there's not enough in the budget for that to which I most frequently respond, well what the heck is the budget? I mean how do we acquire resources and how do we allocate said resources? I mean that's not an unreasonable question. Is a little transparency too much to ask for a covert international organization? Like I'm pretty sure we built a fake moon once. Lombardi couldn't get coffee and donuts for his orientation? I mean how does that make any sense at all? One of those common questions I'm asked by lower ranking personnel is how many SCPs are actually in containment and I tell them that's above your pay grade but what I don't tell them is that it's above my pay grade too. What I do know is that you can't go by the database. Entries appear and disappear from that thing multiple times a day and some of those files are definitely deliberate disinformation and not just the old one entries either. I mean SCP entries get reassigned, there are outdated files still floating around for some reason plus due to the CK reality shifts some of those files are from alternate realities that don't even exist for us anymore. It's very confusing. I swear I've been to facilities with multiple empty cells that allegedly held SCP objects. I mean maybe they were out for testing or something but who knows. Now sometimes I fear that we've become so entangled in our lives and none of us knows the truth anymore. Sorry I got a little spacey right there. I think I might be too stoned. Oh uh if you want an estimate on the SCP count I'd say at least a few hundred based on my own personal experiences in the Foundation and at most like tens of thousands based on the maximum capacity of all Foundation sites and the areas that are supposed to exist. Or maybe the anomalies are normal and everything we think of as normal are the anomalies. Yeah let's go with that. Look Apollyon was supposed to exclusively beat Vasipi 2317. It was this uh oh and stop reading if you don't have high enough clearance but uh it was this colossal eldritch demon bent on destroying the world. It was only kept in check by some ancient forgotten magic that was slowly failing. Its escape and the subsequent extinction of the human race was inevitable and there was nothing we could do. I mean that's what Apollyon means but then Talorin was like oh this reality bender that's torturing me and a living hell for all eternity and we'll do the same to everyone else if it gets free is pretty extra so I'll classify it as Apollyon too and now literally the entire database is classified as Apollyon. I mean I'm exaggerating but it still sucks. I mean granted 2317 turned out to be not quite as invincible as we first feared. The 05s ended up taking it out with like a couple of how it surrounds the cranium and I mean even if that hadn't worked how would it have even fit through the door. I mean I'm not saying that makes it okay to just use Apollyon for anything. You know what I don't even know what I'm saying. I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. I'm a medic kill agents and nothing but a scare tactic. Nothing happens. I mean go on look at what I dare you. In fact a double dog day and you cannot say no to a double dog dare. I mean let's see which 001 proposals are true. I mean we know mine's not because I'm a liar. Everything I say is a lie including this. I mean Locke's definitely can't be real because that obviously didn't happen. Well that's one of those CK reality shifts again. The factory is real so maybe Bright's proposal is at least sort of true. I mean Gears prototype I've actually seen so that one's definitely true. It also explains why Keto is pronounced that way. It actually has nothing to do with the Kabbalah. It was just some doctor's name. Also the broken God one's true. That means the Gulf of California didn't exist before 1942. But that's true then California never would have been mistaken for an island. I mean unless we made that up too. I mean see what I mean about getting lost in our own web of lies. You know back when the O5 started cracking down on gratuitous cross-testing and general shenanigans. They were even gonna forbid staff from using the pizza box. But then pretty much all of site 19 threatened to go on strike. You know how weird it is for a clandestine organization to have to deal with a strike. As far as I know that pizza box is literally the only reason half of those people are still with the foundation. Which makes sense considering. I mean as you might imagine I've butted heads with the ethics community a few times over my practice of you know secretly drugging trainees with designer hallucinogens to simulate a reality bender attack. The memetics and info hazard guides do something similar but apparently that's okay because they tell people beforehand and they get consent or some hippie bullshit. My training program only works because people think it's real. That's the whole point. Have some people harmed or killed themselves or even others during my training sessions. Sure have people committed suicide or otherwise suffered long-term psychological damage due to the guilt of the psychological trauma inflicted during their bad trip. I mean yeah. I mean wouldn't make more sense to gradually acclimate trainees to the stresses of reality bending attacks instead of subjecting them to a full blown simulated attack all at once and losing valuable personnel to how fuck. I hate the metric system. I read everything in imperial and just let the containment specialists convert it. I mean it costs the foundation time money and maybe even lies but I don't care. Fuck it. I hate the metric system. I know no one wants to talk about June but I still cannot believe how many staff and SCPs were lost over a friggin rainbow logo. I thought Gears was crazy when he was worried that my stoke division between staff of different ideological leadings and the next thing I know the solidarity is gone. I mean it's just gone. And we need that thing for space threats. Like that giant alien robot in Jupiter's red spot that's gunning for us. Trump's space force isn't going to be able to hold that thing off. That's all on us. And maybe that moon champion guy could help. Everyone likes to make fun of junior researchers for suggesting we use titanium but I have a titanium ceramic frying pan and I love it. Sure a lot of the time titanium would be overkill but I mean considering what we're trying to keep contained I'd say overkill is the way to go. Now I got a question for you. Why wasn't I the foundation's go-to guy for dealing with reality benders not part of Project Orpheus? That Cronenberg-esque nightmare of mine-rape and body horror to turn reality benders into plug-and-play Eigen weapons. Cause I'm not stupid. What happened to Dr. Costello and her team was inevitable. You can't control reality benders with reality anchors. Anchors are for emergency short-term containment only. Sooner or later the bender either figures out how to bypass them or they just plain break down because they're shit. We don't contain benders. We terminate them when they're vulnerable. An anchor might give you a window of vulnerability but you're a fool. If you think it's gonna keep you safe forever. Just shoot the bastard. I mean God knows foundation probably regrets not taking their shot at me. It was the best of times and it was the worst of times. Actually if I'm quoting classic literature I think I might be running out of steam. I guess I'm done. Well congratulations you're now certified for low human counters and tight green combat scenarios. Well done agent. I'm not sure how long I was talking for and my attention wanted a bit at times but I'm sure I said something useful in there. Just use your newfound abilities responsibly. You know like me. Aloha.