 Ranger of the Woodland! Ranger Bill, Warrior of the Woodland, Struggling against extreme odds, Traveling dangerous trails, Showing rare courage in the face of disaster, In the air, On horseback, Or in a screaming squad car. Ranger Bill, His mind alert, A ready smile, Unswerving, Loyal to his mission, And all this in exchange For the satisfaction and pride Of a job well done. Hello boys and girls. You know today's adventure Couldn't have happened a few years ago, And just goes to show that A forest ranger like everybody else Has to keep up with the times. You've seen those metal signs Along the highway. The signs your forest ranger puts up No matter what state you live in. Signs that read, Danger, Deer crossing. They mean that the motorist Must be on the lookout for wild deer To be on guard so as not to hit them If they dash across the road. Well, a sign just like that Was a clue to the exciting And hazardous mission that I call Danger, Deer crossing. Comrade Viet. Comrade, you... Do not say my name. Do not say it even here in this room. You understand? Da, comrade. But what shall I call you When I have to speak to you? Call me by my brother's title, of course, comrade. Just that, nothing more. Da, comrade. But what if there are others around? Then call me Jones or Smith, Or anything that comes into your head. But do not call me by my real name. Ever. Understand, Piet? I understand. Good. Now, do not forget. I will not forget. Comrade. To business. We have much to do. Far to travel. Do you have the passports? Da, comrade. Money? Da, comrade. Maps? Da, comrade. Heavy shoes? Da, comrade. Compasses? Da, comrade. Shovels? Da, comrade. Nets? Da, comrade. Then plenty of lonesome tunes, don't be. This here is plenty lonesome country. Lonesome is right. Lonesome as I ever see. It's a mindy lonesome country in my day, But this beats it all. Lonesome. Mindy lonesome. Even a coyote get himself lost out here. A long way from home, not for sure. You can say that again, Grey Wolf. I guess they drug half the forest rangers in the west down here. Plus all the deputies they can muster. Yep. And here we are, guarding a lot of nothing. An important job, though, just the same. Oh, sure, but there ain't nothing to see. You're not here to look at scenery. I've seen scenery. Just like we got here, mountains, trees, forests, plains, prairie, dead and all that stuff. No people here, though. That's our job. That's why we're here. Keep people out of here. I know, but there ain't no people here to keep out. Plenty of people over by platform. Sure, there's miles away from here. I've seen them, too. Soldiers and scientific fellows and all like that there. I, uh, seen it, too. Sure, it was big. Yes. Bill over there now. He think maybe today is the day. Well, what they're waiting for. The weather. Weather? What kind of talk is that? We have weather every day. Yes, but weather got to be just exactly the right kind. Oh, hey, something's moving over in them there. Bushes over there. Yeah, sure. I've been watching there a half hour, maybe more. Well, you look good and you see a deer. A deer family. Oh, sure, I see them now. Can't beat an engine for eyesight. Them deer all right. Buck, doe and two little fawns. Ain't they the cutest you ever see? See, hey, there they go. Take it off. White tails are flying like flags. Take it off. High tail is straight over towards the direction where that platform is. We're here to watch for people, not animals. Yeah, by the way. Don't worry. Don't worry, Stumpy. Deer know how to take care of himself. You stay away from people. Stay away from what people build. Away from noise. Deer be all right. Sure, I hope so. It ain't for anything to happen to them deer little deers. Yep. Dark comrade. Speak quietly. It's a very still day and sound carries farther than you might think. Dark comrade. I've been asleep. Have you seen anything? Only the usual. That red Indian, that foolish looking old kulak have walked past here three times. Not 20 feet away. It's a good dugout, is it not? Completely concealed, completely camouflaged. We could leave down here for a year. See everything and never be seen. But a man needs some exercise. We will have time enough for that later on. Dark comrade. We will be on the alert today. An extra alert. This weather is just right. How will we know when it happens? We will know all right. Just keep all these sonic measuring apparatus turned on and ready. And wear your protective glasses all the time. Very well, comrade. One thing. How will we get out of here? I have thought of that. It'll be easy. We will wait here for several days after it happens. Taking final tests, then just leave. At night. Leave all this equipment, of course. It will have done its work. What they are inserted in are the records and reports we bring back. Ah. And when they give orders, we obey. All the things go and order the platform, Bill. Well, the colonel told me to alert all of my crews of deputies against the look as though tomorrow will be the day. Well, how we know? And he won't, other than this message, I am giving you right now, gray wolf. Be prepared for it any time after dawn tomorrow. Ah, we be ready. Keep on the alert, that's all. A small plane will fly overhead, trailing a yellow and black streamer. You'll be able to see it. The streamer is a hundred feet long. What's it say on the streamer, Bill? He did sloppy Joe's restaurant? The streamer is your warning. It means everything is in readiness at the platform. You know just what to do? Lie down in the trenches. Face down. Put on the protective glasses. And wait for the boom. Right. You're a long way from the platform here, miles and miles, so the noise won't be as loud as you might imagine, but you'll hear it all right. No matter how loud she is, she can't scare me. Good. And remember, don't get out of the trench or look up for ten minutes or so after the noise. Even with your eyes closed and heads down, you'll see the flash. Why we wait so long after it go off? Safety measure. We know luck. This far away, there's no danger of radiation or fallout. The weatherman has made sure of that. Just with that tall gray wolf here, where there is one of the main things in this here operation, just exactly when I explain gray wolf here, ain't that right, gray wolf? Right. Well, unless the weather changes or something else, tomorrow's the day. And remember the reason you're here is my deputies. Nobody, and that means nobody is allowed in this area. Right. Sure. Very well. I'm going to walk on around, alert all the guards in my section. See you later. We watch. Never fear. So long. And even a jackrabbit going to get past us. So long, Bill. What, gray wolf? Know what? I'm wondering and wondering where them little deers is tonight. I'm wondering and wondering if they're going to be all right. If they're too close to that platform, who knows what might happen to them. Poor little deers. Turn up. Son up. We're here with us today. I know. Too bad. The boy has to be in school. Yeah, we can tell him all about it, though. Hey, what you digging up that handful of dust for? Old Indian trick. Tell which way the wind blow, or tell if wind not blow either. You watch. There it does trickle out of your hand. She falls right straight down to the ground. Nope. No wind. Near your breast turn. That means that's just a perfect... Hey, hey, hey. Take a look. I mean, take a look at it. I mean, there's a signal plane. That's the signal. Won't be long now. Won't be long now. Er, Gray Wolf. Oh, yes. Them little deer. They seen their plane, too. It scared him. They took off, took off like lightning. Tails up, flags flying. They took off really, really fast. Looked like they had fixed and run a long ways. But, Gray Wolf. Oh, yes, Donby. He was running right towards where that their platform is at Be it dark comrade that plane was a signal you saw the streamer It will not be long now everything ready everything. I did not graduate from the people's univerity for nothing batteries Dark comrade still a graph seismograph odometer synchronize chronometer Everything comrade everything then we wait Waiting to mean that especially miss here position. Oh, yes, but not long now. I think keep face to ground stumpy We could just hear that there come down We know where we was at in a manner of speaking and they may count on without us. Don't worry. Yeah, we say get on with it, though It's teaches Puts me in mind a one-time and I was just a little shaver a short tail boy For that you like was it is here monsters firecracker Just here yes, I mean it was more like we thought we seen it inside her head You might say that flash all right. Oh, where's the boom? The boom comes soon. We long way off. You know You like bill say we wait Shall we take the readings now that each machine seismograph Atmosphere to break down chart here to me Siligraf Telegraph Neurophonic resistor Hectometer Was Kunkoff computer dot dot give them all to me barograph cosmic univator and this one and this one and This one that is all come very well. Yeah, I Have all the findings in the lead box and here is the soldering iron already hot silly top and that's that sealed tight They should be pleased when they get them. Yeah, get busy now busy Don't bury all that equipment. We are finished. So we'll abandon it bury it all When you do that bury the shovel to and dig quietly come red Yeah, come red But now Hey, what do we do now? We wait We don't wait. Hey you two you can get up now. Oh good. I just wanted to be very sure Good to be up and moving around again. Oh, but hey everything looks just the same. Oh sure Everything work. Okay, and go off. All right. As I know. I just finished giving the all clear to all the periphery guards in my section Talked to the pilot of the warning plan over at the landing strip and he said that Hey So matter with Stumpy Has moved a muscle. There he is lying in his trench. We go look Special deputy sound asleep. Hey Stumpy Have a good sleep sleep What do you mean sleep I wasn't sleeping just close my eyes for a second to arrest him. Oh Oh Bill you say a pilot say oh, yes He said that he got a report from the staging grounds right as soon as radio communication was resumed And that the Colonel had made it official the firing was a complete success Nothing quite like this one has ever been fired before and that's why it was even more vital than usual to keep the whole matter Top secret. Yes, that right take months I suppose to analyze and evaluate all the information that was collected today Not good that some other countries know about this definitely and positively not Everything run off slick as a whistle. Yeah, yes all according to plans Stumpy Except for one funny occurrence what that well the pilot told me about it He said when he was making his warning flight. He wasn't very high, you know He saw that family of four deer heading straight for a clump of woods near to the firing area That's not good. Not if you're a nature lover, it isn't And this knows what could happen to them if they happen to get into the zone of radioactive fallout As far as was known no living creature of any size that is was in that danger area Everything that could be driven out was driven out But that deer family just wouldn't go maybe they are You're a walkety-talkety a buzzin. Yes, I'll get it Stumpy Means we're back on radio communication again Operation moonbeam station 42 guard 42 a this and over 42 a Yes, Bill. Yes. Good. Glad it is you bill. This is Colonel delamere. Oh, yes, sir An emergency has arisen something we didn't foresee a very serious emergency We're going to need your help now. You're an animal man Lord all your guards at once. Tell them that they see any deer Fuck those are fonds of their to shoot on site and Bill. Yes, sir Tell them if they do shoot any deer not to go near them after their shot Also, tell them to report any signs of deer by radio immediately and you you get over here to headquarters Just as fast as you can yes over and out You're all that yes, I'll warn the outposts. Keep a sharp look out But but but but but but you watch watch watch Yeah, but what I can't see is why a Colonel in the US army would declare a state of emergency over a deer Comrade did you hear all that jiva jabber on our radio? Of course Capitalistic foolishness our army men do not waste time with dear They would with these deer be at you said you used to hunt deer I was the best in our commune every year. I was the best you can ask anyone I am the best the very best deer hunter of all Enough enough listen comrade We are going to honor deer hunt the most dangerous deer hunt in the history of the world Those two tiny phones soda you remember them naturally, but could you capture them alive? Naturally, but this is some little cabbage Imagine going back to them with two live deer to live deer who have been exposed to what these Deer have lived through think comrades. Just think how pleased they will be The implications here are frankly well, they're terrible gentlemen Individibly these deer are violently radioactive Why they are alive is a mystery, but they are alive They've been seen by our airplane spotters seen in the heart of almost impenetrable bush country Science truthfully is not certain of the amount of damage these deer can do Whether they can transmit fatal radioactivity to other deer and other animals Whether and I shudder to think of this whether an unsuspecting hunter could shoot one of them and in turn be himself in his Whole family contaminated Well, we just don't know But we dare not take any chances If even the knowledge of this got out we would have a panic Gentlemen those deer must be captured alive if possible, but captured and at once any questions Notify this headquarters. We're equipped to decontaminate. I lose no time and remember speed and secrecy One last thing we are fortunate to have here with us today a man who knows animals I refer to Bill Jefferson here have appointed Bill to be in charge of this radioactive deer hunt Everyone will report to him be guided by him obey his orders That is all You airplane pilots quarter the area stay in the air all the time day and night It's full moon now. Lie low and if you see the deer get away quickly don't scare them report your location You periphery guards are being reinforced by soldiers two soldiers to every guard Keep your rifles at the ready Unsafety but at the ready if you see the deer shoot remember deer are very very quick A corner deer especially a big buck or a sick deer and these deer may be sick a deer can be a dangerous adversary Even the females can use their sharp hooves as weapons Bill I have idea how to catch deer. Hello, it's rise have been unsuccessful your ideas are usually pretty good ones Gray wolf, what is it deer not like noise deer run and hide and run and hide and men never catch deer Men think like men and they hunt that way. Mm-hmm. Maybe a good idea think like deer and maybe we find them Go on gray wolf. That sounds like sense you call off all the men all of them use the walkie-talkie Call all men out of the area and the woods quiet down get still dear plenty scared though So what we do we think like deer all right suppose and we're thinking like a deer would think what then we go to Deepest part of the force thick as woods find a glade in the forest plenty shade plenty water We go there and we rest we stay there. That's what we do if we are deer Gray wolf you've got it I'll call off all the men and then you and I'll go and find those radioactive deer Very well combat dear hunter. What do we do now? We find the deer. That's what we are here for Nothing to it. But how nothing to it my grandfather told me and I suppose his grandfather told him All you have to do is think like a deer what? Yeah, come red I've been studying that top the graph top the graphical map our people Borrowed last year. It's easy, but and deer are frightened or very from being chased They go to the deepest part of the forest and find the place to hide and rest Well, and there is only one such place in this area comrade not too far from here I can find it easily It's nothing for a great deer hunter like myself But what about all those men who have been crashing through the bushes? Have you no ears comrade? Have you no eyes? You are a good party man, but not a woodsman the men have left all of them. They've gotten discouraged Americans discourage easily The area is clear come Let us get those dear There up ahead Bill. I think dear in that thick patch of woods. I'm amazed This is the best woodsmanship. I've ever seen gray wolf I picked out that water course and deeply forested spot on the map And I've been using my compass to get here, but you I need no map No compass Indian no woods and waters. I try to think like wild deer thing look Bear ground here and clay leave good tracks. Yeah, there they are one two Three four sets right tracks of a big buck a doe and two tiny sets of tracks And headed right straight for that heavy couple trees Hey, hey, there they are. I heard them. No But that branch you already cracked into the buck must have stepped on a dead branch. No, but I heard it You hear branch break, but dear not do that Gray wolf do you're not make clumsy noise like that? No animal make clumsy noise like that only one kind of creature do that And it's wood Man, yes, Bill somebody else hunt for those deer too Who's your clumsy clumsy ox? You make as much noise as a steamroller Watch where you put your feet if you step on another branch You will have those deer scared away, and we will never get them Pardon comrade very well now But On that hillside the deal. Oh The uniformed commissar and that red Indian what do we get the deer first? And if we see those two we should first But we will not have to there they go They have turned around they are leaving they are going away They are out of sight Come along. Let's capture those young deer There they are those men. No, no the deer all four of them lying down Resting by that oak tree. I see are you ready? Is your rifle prepared up? I'll take the big buck you take the dough And then we can capture the two fawns alive then I count three one Two put up those rifles the forest ranger. Let's get it. Oh, you don't And so bill that was the end of the story Not quite the end after your report got to Washington that is As a result of that report I am happy to say I have been sent here with a special letter of thanks to gray wolf from the secretary of the interior I not do anything. What happened to the deer? Well, as you know, they were just too exhausted to run any more and even all that rumpets you and bill closed when you overpowered those two spies He will not didn't budge them After you told us where they were our men easily captured them in nets. They're alive and well Isolated of course and under observation and are they radioactive colonel A classified information bill I see Well, we had a couple of tense moments Especially with those spies, but it looks as though all is worked out. All right, all those two spies won't spy anymore What you'd chuckle that something Remember what those deer were talking about when we found them talking Looks like we're in for one of the old-timers gags prepare yourself colonel. Well, what word you're talking about Stumpy? Well, I didn't catch much but I did hear the phone say to the dough Thank you Well see you next week for more adventure with