 This is a LibriVox recording. Candid by Voltaire, Chapter 18. What they saw in the country of El Dorado. Kakambo expressed his curiosity to the landlord, who made answer. I am very ignorant, but not the worse on that account. However, we have in this neighborhood an old man retired from court, who is the most learned and most communicative person in the kingdom. At once he took Kakambo to the old man. Candid acted now only a second character and accompanied his valet. They entered a very plain house, for the door was only of silver, and the ceilings were only of gold, but wrought in so elegant a taste as to vie with the richest. The anti-chamber indeed was only encrusted with rubies and emeralds, but the order in which everything was arranged made amends for this great simplicity. The old man received strangers on his sofa, which was stuffed with hummingbirds' feathers, and ordered his servants to present them with liqueurs and diamond goblets, after which he satisfied their curiosity in the following terms. I am now one hundred and seventy-two years old, and I learnt from my late father, master of the horse to the king, the amazing revolutions of Peru, of which he had been an eyewitness. The kingdom we now inhabit is the ancient country of the Incas, who quitted it very imprudently to conquer another part of the world, and were at length destroyed by the Spaniards. More wise by far were the princes of their family, who remained in their native country, and they ordained, with the consent of the whole nation, that none of the inhabitants should ever be permitted to quit this little kingdom. And this has preserved our innocence and happiness. The Spaniards have had a confused notion of this country, and have called it el dorado, and an Englishman whose name was Sir Walter Raleigh came very near it about a hundred years ago. But being surrounded by inaccessible rocks and precipices, we have hitherto been sheltered from the rapaciousness of European nations, who have an inconceivable passion for the pebbles and dirt of our land, for the sake of which they would murder us to the last man. The conversation was long, it turned chiefly on their form of government, their manners, their women, their public entertainments, and the arts. At length, Kandid, having always had a taste for metaphysics, made Kakambo ask whether there was any religion in that country. The old man readened a little. How, then, said he, can you doubt it? Do you take us for ungrateful wretches? Kakambo humbly asked, what was the religion in el dorado? The old man readened again. Can there be two religions, said he, we have, I believe, the religion of all the world. We worship God, night and morning. Do you worship but one God, said Kakambo, who still acted as interpreter in representing Kandid's doubts. Surely, said the old man, there are not two, nor three, nor four. I must confess, the people from your side of the world ask very extraordinary questions. Kandid was not yet tired of interrogating the good old man. He wanted to know in what manner they prayed to God in el dorado. We do not pray to him, said the worthy sage. We have nothing to ask of him. He has given us all we need, and we return him thanks without ceasing. Kandid, having a curiosity, to see the priests, asked where they were. The good old man smiled, my friend, said he, we are all priests. The king and all the heads of families sing solemn canticles of thanksgiving every morning, accompanied by five or six thousand musicians. But have you no monks who teach, who dispute, who govern, who cabal, and who burn people that are not of their opinion? We must be mad indeed, if that were the case, said the old man. Here we are all of one opinion, and we know not what you mean by monks. During this whole discourse Kandid was in raptures, and he said to himself, this is vastly different from Westphalia and the Barons Castle. Had our friend Pan Glos seen el dorado, he would no longer have said that the castle of thunder-tend trunk was the finest upon earth. It is evident that one must travel. After this long conversation the old man ordered a coach and six sheep to be got ready, and twelve of his domestics to conduct the travelers to court. Excuse me, said he, if my age deprives me of the honor of accompanying you. The king will receive you in a manner that cannot displease you, and no doubt you will make an allowance for the customs of the country, if some things should not be to your liking. Kandid and Kakambo got into the coach. The six sheep flew, and in less than four hours they reached the king's palace situated at the extremity of the capital. The portal was two hundred and twenty feet high, and one hundred wide. But words are wanting to express the materials of which it was built. It is plain such materials must have prodigious superiority over those pebbles and sand, which we call gold and precious stones. Twenty beautiful damsels of the king's guard received Kandid and Kakambo as they alighted from the coach, conducted them to the bath, and dressed them in robes woven of the down of hummingbirds, after which the great crown officers of both sexes led them to the king's apartment, between two files of musicians, a thousand on each side. When they drew near to the audience chamber, Kakambo asked one of the great officers in what way he should pay his obeisance to his majesty, whether they should throw themselves upon their knees or on their stomachs, whether they should put their hands upon their heads, or behind their backs, whether they should lick the dust off the floor. In a word, what was the ceremony? The custom, said the great officer, is to embrace the king, and to kiss him on each cheek. Kandid and Kakambo threw themselves round his majesty's neck. He received them with all the goodness imaginable, and politely invited them to supper. While waiting they were shown the city, and saw the public edifices raised as high as the clouds, the marketplaces ornamented with a thousand columns, the fountains of spring water, those of rose water, those of liqueurs drawn from sugarcane, incessantly flowing into the great squares, which were paved with a kind of precious stone which gave off a delicious frequency like that of cloves and cinnamon. Kandid asked to see the court of justice, the parliament. They told him they had none, and that they were strangers to lawsuits. He asked if they had any prisons, and they answered no. But what surprised him most, and gave him the greatest pleasure, was the palace of sciences, where he saw a gallery two thousand feet long, and filled with instruments employed in mathematics and physics. After rambling about the city the whole afternoon, and seeing but a thousandth part of it, they were reconducted to the royal palace, where Kandid sat down to table with his majesty, his valet-cacombo, and several ladies. Never was there a better entertainment, and never was more wit shown at a table than that which fell from his majesty. Cacombo explained the king's bon mot to Kandid, and notwithstanding they were translated, they still appeared to be bon mot. Of all the things that surprised Kandid, this was not the least. They spent a month in this hospitable place. Kandid frequently said to Cacombo, I own my friend, once more that the castle where I was born is nothing in comparison with this. But, after all, Miss Gunigand is not here, and you have, without doubt, some mistress in Europe. If we abide here, we shall only be upon a footing with the rest, whereas if we return to our old world, only with twelve sheep laden with the pebbles of El Dorado, we shall be richer than all the kings in Europe. We shall have no more inquisitors to fear, and we may easily recover Miss Gunigand. This speech was agreeable to Cacombo. Mankind are so fond of roving, of making a figure in their own country, and of boasting of what they have seen in their travels, that the two happy ones resolve to be no longer so, but to ask his majesty's leave to quit the country. You are foolish, said the king. I am sensible that my kingdom is but a small place, but when a person is comfortably settled in any part, he should abide there. I have not the right to detain strangers. It is a tyranny which neither our manners nor our laws permit. All men are free. Go when you wish, but the going will be very difficult. It is impossible to ascend that rapid river, on which you came as by a miracle, and which runs under vaulted rocks. The mountains which surround my kingdom are ten thousand feet high, and as steep as walls. They are each over ten leagues in breadth, and there is no other way to descend them than by precipices. However, since you absolutely wish to depart, I shall give orders to my engineers to construct a machine that will convey you very safely. When we have conducted you over the mountains, no one can accompany you further, for my subjects have made a vow never to quit the kingdom, and they are too wise to break it. Ask me besides anything that you please. We desire nothing of your majesty, says Khandid, but a few sheep laden with provisions, pebbles, and the earth of this country. The king laughed. I cannot conceive, said he, what pleasure you Europeans find in our yellow clay, but take as much as you like, and great good may it do you. At once he gave directions that his engineers should construct a machine to hoist their two extraordinary men out of the kingdom. Three thousand good mathematicians went to work, it was ready in fifteen days, and did not cost more than twenty million sterling in the specie of that country. They placed Khandid and Kakambo on the machine. There were two great red sheep saddled and bridled to ride upon as soon as they were beyond the mountains. Twenty pack sheep laden with provisions, thirty with presence of the curiosities of the country, and fifty with gold, diamonds, and precious stones. The king embraced the two wanderers very tenderly. Their departure with the ingenious manner in which they and their sheep were hoisted over the mountains was a splendid spectacle. The mathematicians took their leave after conveying them to a place of safety, and Khandid had no other desire, no other aim, than to present his sheep to Miss Kunigonde. Now said he, we are able to pay the governor of Buenos Aires if Miss Kunigonde can be ransomed. Let us journey towards Cayenne, let us embark, and we shall afterwards see what kingdom we shall be able to purchase. End of Chapter 18, read by Dennis Sayers in Modesto, California for LibriVox. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Khandid by Voltaire. Chapter 19 What happened to them at Suriname and how Khandid got acquainted with Martin. Our travelers spent the first day very agreeably. They were delighted with possessing more treasure than all Asia, Europe, and Africa could scrape together. Khandid and his raptures cut Kunigonde's name on the trees. The second day two of their sheep plunged into a morass where they and their burdens were lost. Two more died of fatigue a few days after. Seven or eight perished with hunger in a desert, and others subsequently fell down precipices. At length after traveling a hundred days only two sheep remained. Said Khandid to Kakambo, my friend you see how perishable are the riches of this world. There is nothing solid but virtue, and the happiness of seeing Kunigonde once more. I grant all you say, said Kakambo, but we have still two sheep remaining, with more treasure than the king of Spain will ever have, and I see a town which I take to be Suriname, belonging to the Dutch. We are at the end of all our troubles, and at the beginning of happiness. As they drew near the town they saw a negro stretched upon the ground with only one moiety of his clothes, that is, of his blue linen drawers. The poor man had lost his left leg and his right hand. Good God said Khandid in Dutch, what art thou doing there, friend, in that shocking condition? I am waiting for my master, Meinheer van der Dendur, the famous merchant, answered the negro. Was it Meinheer van der Dendur, said Khandid, that treated thee thus? Yes, sir, said the negro, it is the custom. They give us a pair of linen drawers for our whole garment twice a year. When we work at the sugar canes and the mill snatches hold of a finger they cut off the hand, and when we attempt to run away they cut off the leg. Both cases have happened to me. This is the price at which you eat sugar in Europe. Yet when my mother sold me for ten patagons to the coast of Guinea, she said to me, my dear child, bless our fetishes, adore them for ever, they will make thee live happily. Thou hast the honour of being the slave of our lords, the whites, which is making a fortune of thy father and mother. Alas, I know not whether I have made their fortunes. This I know that they have not made mine. Dogs, monkeys, and parrots are a thousand times less wretched than I. The Dutch fetishes who have converted me declare every Sunday that we are all of us children of Adam, blacks as well as whites. I am not a genealogist, but if these preachers tell truth we are all second cousins. Now you must agree that it is impossible to treat one's relations in a more barbarous manner. O, pangloss cried Candide, Thou hadst not guessed at this abomination. It is the end. I must at last renounce thy optimism. What is this optimism? said Cacombo. Alas, said Candide, it is the madness of maintaining that everything is right when it is wrong. Looking at the negro he shed tears and weeping he entered Suriname. The first thing they inquired after was whether there was a vessel in the harbor which could be sent to Buenos Aires. The person to whom they applied was a Spanish sea captain who offered to agree with them upon reasonable terms. He appointed to meet them at a public house where their Candide and the faithful Cacombo went with their two sheep and awaited his coming. Candide, who had his heart upon his lips, told the Spaniard all his adventures and avowed that he intended to elope with Miss Coneganda. Then I will take good care not to carry you to Buenos Aires, said the sea man. I should be hanged and so would you. The fair Coneganda is my lord's favorite mistress. This was a thunder clap for Candide. He wept for a long while. At last he drew Cacombo aside. Here, my dear friend, said he to him, this thou must do. We have each of us in his pocket five or six millions in diamonds. You are more clever than I. You must go and bring Miss Coneganda from Buenos Aires. The governor makes any difficulty give him a million. If he will not relinquish her give him two. As you have not killed an inquisitor they will have no suspicion of you. I'll get another ship and go and wait for you at Venice. That's a free country where there is no danger either from Bulgarians, Abarres, Jews, or inquisitors. Cacombo applauded this wise resolution. He despaired at parting from so good a master who had become his intimate friend, but the pleasure of serving him prevailed over the pain of leaving him. They embraced with tears. Candide charged him not to forget the good old woman. Cacombo set out that very same day. This Cacombo was a very honest fellow. Candide stayed some time longer in Suriname, waiting for another captain to carry him in the two remaining ships to Italy. After he had hired domestics and purchased everything necessary for a long voyage, mine here, Vander Dender, the captain of a large vessel, came and offered his services. How much will you charge, said he to this man, to carry me straight to Venice, me, my servants, my baggage in these two sheep? The skipper asked ten thousand piasters. Candide did not hesitate. Oh, oh! said the prudent Vander Dender to himself. This stranger gives ten thousand piasters unhesitatingly. He must be very rich. Returning a little while after, he let him know that upon second consideration he could not undertake the voyage for less than twenty thousand piasters. Well, you shall have them, said Candide. I said the skipper to himself. This man agrees to pay twenty thousand piasters with as much ease as ten. He went back to him again and declared that he could not carry him to Venice for less than thirty thousand piasters. Then you shall have thirty thousand, replied Candide. Oh, oh! said the Dutch skipper once more to himself. Thirty thousand piasters are a trifle to this man. Surely these sheep must be laden with an immense treasure. Let us say no more about it. First of all, let him pay down the thirty thousand piasters. Then we shall see. Candide sold two small diamonds, the least of which was worth more than what the skipper asked for his freight. He paid him in advance. The two sheep were put on board. Candide followed in a little boat to join the vessel and the roads. The skipper seized his opportunity, set sail, and put out to sea, the wind favouring him. Candide dismayed and stupefied, soon lost sight of the vessel. Alas! said he, this is a trick worthy of the old world. He put back overwhelmed with sorrow, for indeed he had lost sufficient to make the fortune of twenty monarchs. He waited upon the Dutch magistrate, and in his distress he knocked over loudly at the door. He entered and told his adventure, raising his voice with unnecessary vehemence. The magistrate began by finding him ten thousand piasters for making a noise. Then he listened patiently, promised to examine into his affair at the skipper's return, and ordered him to pay ten thousand piasters for the expense of the hearing. This drove Candide to despair. He had indeed endured misfortunes a thousand times worse. The coolness of the magistrate and of the skipper who had robbed him roused his collar, and flung him into a deep melancholy. The villainy of mankind presented itself before his imagination in all its deformity, and his mind was filled with gloomy ideas. At length hearing that a French vessel was ready to set sail for Bordeaux, as he had no sheep laden with thymins to take along with him, he hired a cabin at the usual price. He made it known in the town that he would pay the passage and board and give two thousand piasters to any honest man who would make the voyage with him, upon condition that this man was the most dissatisfied with his state, and the most unfortunate in the whole province. Such a crowd of candidates presented themselves that a fleet of ships could hardly have held them. Candide, being desirous of selecting from among the best, marked out about one-twentieth of them who seemed to be sociable men, and who all pretended to merit his preference. He assembled them at his inn, and gave them a supper on condition that each took an oath to relate his story faithfully, promising to choose him who appeared to be most justly discontented with his state, and to bestow some presence upon the rest. They sat until four o'clock in the morning. Candide, in listening to all their adventures, was reminded of what the old woman had said to him in their voyage to Buenos Aires, and of her wager that there was not a person on board the ship, but it met with very great misfortunes. He dreamed of Pangloss that every adventure told to him. This Pangloss said he would be puzzled to demonstrate his system. I wish that he were here. Certainly, if all things are good, it is in El Dorado and not in the rest of the world. At length he made choice of a poor man of letters who would work ten years for the booksellers of Amsterdam. He judged that there was not in the whole world a trade which could disgust one more. This philosopher was an honest man, but he had been robbed by his wife, beaten by his son, and abandoned by his daughter who got a Portuguese to run away with her. He had just been deprived of a small employment on which he subsisted, and he was persecuted by the preachers of Suriname, who took him for a Sosinian. We must allow that the others were at least as wretched as he, but Kandid hoped that the philosopher would entertain him during the voyage. All the other candidates complained that Kandid had done them great injustice, but he appeased them by giving one hundred piastres each. End of Chapter 19 This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Joyce Nossbaum, Highland Park, New Jersey. Kandid by Voltaire. Chapter 20. What happened at sea to Kandid and Martin? The old philosopher, whose name was Martin, embarked then with Kandid for Bordeaux. They had both seen and suffered a great deal. And if the vessel had sailed from Suriname to Japan by the Cape of Good Hope, the subject of moral and natural evil would have enabled them to entertain one another during the whole voyage. Kandid, however, had one great advantage over Martin, in that he always hoped to see Miss Kunaganda, whereas Martin had nothing at all to hope. Besides, Kandid was possessed of money and jewels, and though he had lost one hundred large red sheep laden with the greatest treasure upon earth, though the navery of the Dutch skipper still sat heavy upon his mind, yet when he reflected upon what he had still left, and when he mentioned the name of Kunaganda, especially towards the latter end of a repast, he inclined to pangloss his doctrine. But you, Mr. Martin, said he to the philosopher. What do you think of all this? What are your ideas on moral and natural evil? Sir, answered Martin, our priests accused me of being a Sosinian, but the real fact is I am a Manikian. You jest, said Kandid, there are no longer Manikians in the world. I am one, said Martin, I cannot help it. I know not how to think otherwise. Surely you must be possessed by the devil, said Kandid. He is so deeply concerned in the affairs of this world, answered Martin, that he may very well be in me as well as in everybody else, but I own you that when I cast an eye upon this globe or rather on this little ball, I cannot help thinking that God has abandoned it to some malignant being. I accept always El Dorado. I scarcely ever knew a city that did not desire the destruction of a neighboring city, nor a family that did not wish to exterminate some other family. Everywhere the weak execrate the powerful, before whom they cringe, and the powerful beat them like sheep whose wool and flesh they sell. A million regimented assassins from one extremity of Europe to the other get their bread by discipline, depredation and murder for want of more honest employment. Even in those cities which seem to enjoy peace and where the arts flourish, the inhabitants are devoured by more envy, care and uneasiness than are experienced by a besieged town. Secret griefs are more cruel than public calamities. In a word, I have seen so much and experienced so much that I am a Manichaean. There are, however, some things good, said Kandid. That may be, said Martin, but I know them not. In the middle of this dispute they heard the report of cannon. It redoubled every instant. Each took out his glass. They saw two ships in close fight about three miles off. The wind brought both so new to the French vessel that our travelers had the pleasure of seeing the fight at their ease. At length one led off abroad side so low and so truly aimed that the other sank to the bottom. Kandid and Martin could plainly perceive a hundred men on the deck of the sinking vessel. They raised their hands to heaven and uttered terrible outcries, and the next moment was swallowed up by the sea. Well, said Martin, this is how men treat one another. It is true, said Kandid, there is something diabolical in this affair. Well, speaking, he saw he knew not what of a shining red swimming close to the vessel. They put out the longboat to see what it could be. It was one of his sheep. Kandid was more rejoiced at the recovery of this one sheep than he had been grieved at the loss of the hundred laden with the large diamonds of El Dorado. The French captain soon saw that the captain of the victorious vessel was a Spaniard and that the other was a Dutch pirate and the very same one who had robbed Kandid. The immense plunder which this villain had amassed was buried with him in the sea and out of the hole only one sheep was saved. You see, said Kandid to Martin, that crime is sometimes punished. This rogue of a Dutch skipper has met with the fate he deserved. Yes, said Martin, but why should the passengers be doomed also to destruction? God has punished the nave and the devil has drowned the rest. The French and Spanish ships continued their course and Kandid continued his conversation with Martin. They disputed fifteen successive days and on the last of those fifteen days they were as far advanced as on the first. But however they chatted, they communicated ideas, they consoled each other. Kandid caressed his sheep. Since I have found thee again, said he, I may likewise chance to find my Kunaganda. End of Chapter 20 This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Joyce Nussbaum, Highland Park, New Jersey. Kandid by Voltaire. Chapter 21 Kandid and Martin, reasoning, drawn near the coast of France. At length they described the coast of France. Were you ever in France, Mr. Martin, asked Kandid? Yes, said Martin. I have been in several provinces, and some one half of the people are fools, and others they are too cunning, and some they are weak and simple, and others they affect to be witty. And all the principal occupation is love, the next is slander, and the third is talking nonsense. But Mr. Martin, have you seen Paris? Yes, I have. All these kinds are found there. It is a chaos, a confused multitude, where everybody seeks pleasure and scarcely anyone finds it, at least as it appeared to me. I made a short stay there. On my arrival I was robbed of all I had by pickpockets at the fair of Saint-Germain. I myself was taken for a robber and was imprisoned for eight days, after which I served as corrector of the press to gain the money necessary for my return to Holland on foot. I knew the whole scribbling rabble, the party rabble, the fanatic rabble. It is said that there are very polite people in that city, and I wish to believe it. For my part, I have no curiosity to see Paris, said Kandid. You may easily imagine that after spending a month at El Dorado, I can desire to behold nothing upon Earth but Miss Conagonda. I go to await her at Venice. We shall pass through France on our way to Italy. Will you bear me company? With all my heart, said Martin, it is said that Venice is fit only for its own nobility, that the strangers meet with a very good reception if they have a good deal of money. I have none of it. You have, therefore I will follow you all over the world. But do you believe, said Kandid, that the Earth was originally a sea, as we find it asserted in that large book belonging to the Captain? I do not believe a word of it, said Martin, any more than I do of the many ravings which have been published lately. But for what end, then, has this world been formed, said Kandid? To plague us to death, answered Martin. Are you not greatly surprised, continued Kandid, at the love which these two girls of the Orion had for those monkeys, of which I have already told you? Not at all, said Martin. I do not see that that passion was strange. I have seen so many extraordinary things that I have ceased to be surprised. Do you believe, said Kandid, that men have always massacred each other, as they do today, that they have always been liars, cheats, traitors, ingrates, brigands, idiots, thieves, scoundrels, glutton, drunkards, misers, envious, ambitious, bloody-minded, columniaters, debauchees, fanatics, hypocrites, and fools? Do you believe, said Martin, that hawks have always eaten pigeons when they have found them? Yes, without doubt, said Kandid. Well, then, said Martin, if hawks have always had the same character, why should you imagine that men may have changed theirs? Oh, said Kandid, there is a vast deal of difference for free will. And reasoning thus they arrived at Bordeaux. End of Chapter Twenty-One. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Joyce Nussbaum, Highland Park, New Jersey. Kandid by Voltaire, Chapter Twenty-Two. What happened in France to Kandid and Martin? Kandid stayed in Bordeaux no longer than was necessary for the selling of a few of the pebbles of El Dorado and for hiring a good chaise to hold two passengers, for he could not travel without his philosopher Martin. He was only vexed at parting with his sheep, which he left to the Bordeaux Academy of Sciences, who set as a subject for that year's prize to find why this sheep's wool was red, and the prize was awarded to a learned man of the North, who demonstrated by A plus B minus C divided by Z that the sheep must be red and die of the rot. Meanwhile, all the travelers whom Kandid met in the ins along his route said to him, we go to Paris. This general eagerness length gave him to a desire to see this capital, and it was not so very great a detour from the road to Venice. He entered Paris by the suburb of Samar-Saux and fancy that he was in the dirtiest village of Westphalia. Scarcely was Kandid arrived at his inn, then he found himself attacked by a slight illness caused by fatigue. As he had a very large diamond on his finger and the people of the inn had taken notice of a prodigiously heavy box among his baggage, there were two physicians to attend him, though he had never sent for him, and two devotees who warmed his broths. I remember, said Martin, also to have been sick at Paris in my first voyage. I was very poor. Thus I had neither friends, devotees nor doctors, and I recovered. However, what was physical bleeding Kandid's illness became serious. A parson of the neighborhood came with great meekness to ask for a bill for the other world payable to the bearer. Kandid would do nothing for him, but the devotees assured him it was the new fashion. He answered that he was not a man of fashion. Martin wished to throw the priest out of the window. The priests swore that they would not bury Kandid. Martin swore that he would bury the priest if he continued to be troublesome. The quarrel grew heated. Martin took him by the shoulders and roughly turned him out of doors, which occasioned great scandal and a lawsuit. Kandid got well again, and during his convalescence he had very good company to sup with him. They played high. Kandid wondered why it was that the ace never came to him. But Martin was not at all astonished. Among those who did him the honors of the town was a little abbey of Paragord, one of those busy buddies who were ever alert, officious, forward, fawning, and complacent, who watched for strangers in their passage through the capital, tell them the scandalous history of the town, and offer them pleasure at all prices. He first took Kandid and Martin to La Comédie, where they played a new tragedy. Kandid happened to be seated near some of the fashionable wits. This did not prevent his shedding tears at the well-acted scenes. One of these critics at his side said to him between the acts, Your tears are misplaced. That is a shocking actress. The actor who plays with her is yet worse, and the play is still worse than the actors. The author does not know a word of Arabic, yet the scene is in Arabia. Moreover, he is a man that does not believe in innate ideas, and I will bring you tomorrow twenty pamphlets written against him. How many dramas have you in France, sir, said Kandid to the abbey? Five or six thousand. What a number, said Kandid. How many good? Fifteen or sixteen replied the other. What a number, said Martin. Kandid was very pleased with an actress who played Queen Elizabeth in a somewhat insipid tragedy sometimes acted. That actress, said he to Martin, pleases me much. She has a likeness to Miss Kunaganda. I should be very glad to wait upon her. The Paragordian abbey offered to introduce him. Kandid brought up in Germany, asked what was the etiquette and how they treated Queens of England in France. It is necessary to make distinctions, said the abbey. In the provinces one takes them to the inn. In Paris one respects them when they are beautiful and throws them on the highway when they are dead. Queens on the highway, said Kandid. Yes, truly, said Martin, the abbey is right. I was in Paris when Miss Monime passed, as the saying is, from this life to the other. She was refused what people call the honors of sepulcher, that is to say, of rotting with all the beggars of the neighborhood in an ugly cemetery. She was interred all alone by her company at the corner of the Rue de Bourgogne, which ought to trouble her much, for she thought nobly. That was very uncivil, said Kandid. What would you have, said Martin? These people are made thus. Imagine all contradictions, all possible incompatibilities. You will find them in the government, in the law courts, in the churches, in the public shows of this droll nation. Is it true that they always laugh in Paris, said Kandid? Yes, said the abbey, but it means nothing, for they complain of everything with great fits of laughter. They even do the most detestable things while laughing. Who, said Kandid, is that great pig who spoke so will of the peace which I wept, and of the actors who gave me so much pleasure? He is a bad character, answered the abbey, who gains his livelihood by saying evil of all plays and of all books. He hates whatever succeeds, as the eunuchs hate those who enjoy. He is one of the serpents of literature who nourish themselves on dirt and spite. He is a follicular. What is a follicular, said Kandid. It is, said the abbey, a pamphleteer, a fréron. Thus Kandid, Martin and the Paragordian, conversed on the staircase while watching everyone go out after the performance. Although I am eager to see Conagonda again, said Kandid, I should like to sup with Miss Claironde, for she appears to me admirable. The abbey was not the man to approach Miss Claironde, who saw only good company. She is engaged for the evening, he said, but I shall have the honour to take you to the house of a lady of quality, and there you will know Paris as if you had lived in it for years. Kandid, who was naturally curious, let himself be taken to this lady's house at the end of the faux-bourg Saint-Honoré. The company was occupied in playing pharaoh. A dozen melancholy punters held each in his hand a little pack of cards, a bad record of his misfortunes. Profound silence reigned, pallor was on the faces of the punters, anxiety on that of the banker, and the hostess, sitting near the unpitying banker, noticed with link-size all the doubled and other increased stakes as each player dog-eared his cards. She made them turn down the edges again with severe but polite attention. She showed no vexation for fear of losing her customers. The lady insisted upon being called the Marchioness of Parolignac. Her daughter, age fifteen, was among the punters, and notified with a covert glance the cheatings of the poor people who tried to repair the cruelties of fate. The Paragordian abbey, Kandid and Martin, entered. No one rose, no one saluted them, no one looked at them. All were profoundly occupied with their cards. The baroness of thunder-tend-trunk was more polite, said Kandid. However, the abbey whispered to the Marchioness, who half rose, honored Kandid with a gracious smile, and Martin with a condescending nod. She gave a seat and a pack of cards to Kandid, who lost 50,000 francs in two deals, after which they supped very gaily, and everyone was astonished that Kandid was not moved by his loss. The servants said among themselves in the language of servants, some English lord is here this evening. The supper passed at first like most Parisian suppers, in silence, followed by a noise of words which could not be distinguished, then with pleasantries of which most were insipid, with false news, with bad reasoning, a little politics, and much evil speaking. They also discussed new books. Have you seen, said the Paragordian abbey, the romance of Cyr-Gauchat, Doctor of Divinity? Yes, answered one of the guests, but I have not been able to finish it. We have a crowd of silly writings, but altogether do not approach the impertinence of Gauchat, Doctor of Divinity. I am so satiated with the great number of detestable books with which we are inundated that I am reduced to punting at faro. And the melange of Archdeacon Troublay, what do you say of that, said the abbey? Ah, said the Martianess of Perel-en-Narc, the wearisome mortal, how curiously he repeats to you all that the world knows, how heavily he discusses that which is not worth the trouble of lightly remarking upon, how without wit he appropriates the wit of others, how he spoils what he steals, how he disgusts me, but he will disgust me no longer. It is enough to have read a few of the Archdeacon's pages. There was at table a wise man of taste who supported the Martianess. They spoke after words of tragedies. The lady asked why there were tragedies which were sometimes played and which could not be read. The man of taste explained very well how a piece could have some interest and have almost no merit. He proved in few words that it was not enough to introduce one or two of those situations which one finds in all romances and which always seduce the spectator, but that it was necessary to be new without being odd, often sublime and always natural, to know the human heart and to make it speak, to be a great poet without allowing any person in the piece to appear to be a poet, to know language perfectly, to speak it with purity, with continuous harmony and without rhythm ever taking anything from sense. Whoever added he does not observe all these rules can produce one or two tragedies applauded at the theater, but he will never be counted in the ranks of good writers. There are very few good tragedies. Some are idols and dialogue well written and well rhymed. Others political reasonings which lulled to sleep or amplifications which repel. Others demoniac dreams in barbarous style interpreted in sequence with long apostrophes to the gods because they do not know how to speak to men with false maxims and bombastic commonplaces. Candide listened with attention to this discourse and conceived a great idea of the speaker and as the Martianess had taken care to place him beside her he leaned towards her and took the liberty of asking who was the man who had spoken so well. Here's a scholar said the lady who does not play whom the abbey sometimes brings to supper. He is perfectly at home among tragedies and books and he has written a tragedy which was his and a book of which nothing has ever been seen outside his booksellers shop accepting the copy which he dedicated to me. The great man said Candide he is another pangloss. Then turning towards him he said sir you think doubtless that all is for the best in the moral and physical world that nothing could be otherwise than it is? I, sir, answered the scholar. I know nothing of all that. I find that all goes awry with me, that no one knows either what is his rank nor what is his condition, what he does nor what he ought to do and that accepts supper which is always gay and where there appears to be enough concord all the rest of the time is past and impertinent quarrels, Jansenist against Molenist, Parliament against the church, men of letters against men of letters, courtesans against courtesans, financiers against the people, wives against husbands, relatives against relatives, it is eternal war. I have seen the worst, Candide replied, but a wise man who since has had the misfortune to be hanged taught me that all is marvelously well. These are but the shadows on a beautiful picture. Your hanged man mocked the world, said Martin. The shadows are horrible blots. They are men who make the blots, said Candide, and they cannot be dispensed with. It is not their fault then, said Martin. Most of the punters who understood nothing of this language drank and Martin reasoned with the scholar and Candide related some of his adventures to his hostess. After supper the Marchioness took Candide into her boudoir and made him sit upon a sofa. Ah, well, said she to him, you loved desperately Ms. Conagonda of Thunderten Trunk? Yes, madame, answered Candide. The Marchioness replied to him with a tender smile. You answer me like a young man from Westphalia. A Frenchman would have said, it is true that I have loved Ms. Conagonda, but seeing you, madame, I think I no longer love her. Alas, madame, said Candide, I will answer you as you wish. Your passion for her, said the Marchioness, commenced by picking up her handkerchief. I wish that you would pick up my garter. With all my heart, said Candide, and he picked it up. But I wish that you would put it on, said the lady. And Candide put it on. You see, said she, you are a foreigner. I sometimes make my Parisian lovers languish for 15 days, but I give myself to you the first night because one must do the honors of one's country to a young man from Westphalia. The lady, having perceived two enormous diamonds upon the hands of the young foreigner, praised them with such good faith that from Candide's fingers they passed to her own. Candide, returning with the Paragordian abbey, felt some remorse in having been unfaithful to Miss Conagonda. The abbey sympathized in his trouble. He had had but a light part of the fifty thousand francs lost at play and of the value of the two brilliance, half given, half extorted. His design was to profit as much as he could by the advantages which the acquaintance of Candide could procure for him. He spoke much of Conagonda, and Candide told him that he should ask forgiveness of that beautiful one for his infidelity when he should see her in Venice. The abbey redoubled his politeness and attentions, and took a tender interest in all that Candide said, and all that he did, and all that he wished to do. And so, sir, you have a rendezvous at Venice? Yes, Monsieur Abbey answered Candide. It is absolutely necessary that I go to meet Miss Conagonda. And then the pleasure of talking of that which he loved induced him to relate, according to his custom, part of his adventures with the fair Westphalian. I believe, said the abbey, that Miss Conagonda has a great deal of wit, and that she writes charming letters. I have never received any from her, said Candide. For being expelled from the castle on her account, I had not an opportunity for writing to her. Soon after that I heard she was dead. Then I found her alive. Then I lost her again. And last of all I sent an express to her two thousand five hundred leagues from here, and I wait for an answer. The abbey listened attentively and seemed to be in a brown study. He soon took his leave of the two foreigners after a most tender embrace. The following day Candide received, on awakening, a letter couched in these terms. My very dear love, for eight days I have been ill in this town. I learned that you are here. I would fly to your arms if I could but move. I was informed of your passage at Bordeaux, where I left faithful cacombo and the old woman who were to follow me very soon. The governor of Buenos Aires has taken all, but there remains to me your heart. Come, your presence will either give me life or kill me with pleasure. This charming, this unhoped-for letter transported Candide with an inexpressible joy and the illness of his dear Kunuganda overwhelmed him with grief. Divided between these two passions, he took his gold and his diamonds and hurried away with Martin to the hotel where Miss Kunuganda was lodged. He entered her room trembling, his heart palpitating, his voice sobbing. He wished to open the curtains of the bed and asked for a light. Take care what you do, said the servant made. The light hurts her and immediately she drew the curtain again. My dear Kunuganda said, Candide weeping, how are you? If you cannot see me, at least speak to me. She cannot speak, said the maid. The lady then put a plump hand out from the bed and Candide bathed it with his tears and afterwards filled it with diamonds, leaving a bag of gold upon the easy chair. In the midst of these transports in came an officer followed by the abbey and a file of soldiers. There, said he, are the two suspected foreigners and at the same time he ordered them to be seized and carried to prison. Travelers are not treated thus in El Dorado, said Candide. I am more a maniki and now than ever, said Martin. But pray, sir, where are you going to carry us, said Candide? To a dungeon, answered the officer. Martin, having recovered himself a little, judged that the lady who acted the part of Kunuganda was a cheat, that the Paragordian Abbey was a naïve who had imposed upon the honest simplicity of Candide and that the officer was another naïve whom they might easily silence. Candide advised by Martin an impatient to see the real Kunuganda rather than expose himself before a court of justice, proposed to the officer to give him three small diamonds, each worth about three hundred pistols. Ah, sir, said the man with the ivory baton, had you committed all the imaginable crimes you would beat to me the most honest man in the world. Three diamonds, each worth three thousand pistols. Sir, instead of carrying you to jail, I would lose my life to serve you. There are orders for arresting all foreigners, but leave it to me. I have a brother at Dieppe in Normandy. I'll conduct you thither, and if you have a diamond to give him, he'll take as much care of you as I would. And why, said Candide, should all foreigners be arrested? It is the Paragordian Abbey then made answer, because a poor beggar of the country of Atre Batie heard some foolish things said. This induced him to commit a parasite, not such as that of 1610 in the month of May, but such as that of 1594 in the month of December, and such as others which have been committed in other years and other months by other poor devils who had heard nonsense spoken. The officer then explained what the abbey meant. Ah, the monsters, cried Candide, what horrors among a people who dance and sing. Is there no way of getting quickly out of this country where monkeys provoke tigers? I have seen no bears in my country, but men I have beheld nowhere except in El Dorado. In the name of God, sir, conduct me to Venice, where I am to await Miss Cunaganda. I can conduct you no further than lower Normandy, said the officer. Immediately he ordered his irons to be struck off, acknowledged himself mistaken, sent away his men, set out with Candide and Martin for Dieppe, and left them in the care of his brother. There was then a small Dutch ship in the harbor. The Norman, who by the virtue of three more diamonds had become the most subservient of men, put Candide in his attendance on board a vessel that was just ready to sail for Portsmouth in England. This was not the way to Venice, but Candide thought he had made his way out of hell and reckoned that he would soon have an opportunity for resuming his journey. End of Chapter 22. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Joyce Nassbaum, Highland Park, New Jersey. Candide by Voltaire, Chapter 23. Candide and Martin touched upon the coast of England and what they saw there. Ah, Pangloss, Pangloss, ah, Martin, Martin, ah, my dear Coneganda, what sort of a world is this, said Candide on board the Dutch ship? Something very foolish and abominable, said Martin. You know England? Are they as foolish there as in France? It is another kind of folly, said Martin. You know that these two nations are at war for a few acres of snow in Canada and that they spend over this beautiful war much more than Canada is worth. To tell you exactly whether there are more people fit to send to a madhouse in one country than the other is what my imperfect intelligence will not permit. I only know in general that the people we are going to see are very atrobilious. Talking must they arrived at Portsmouth. The coast was lined with crowds of people whose eyes were fixed on a fine man kneeling with his eyes bandaged on board one of the men of war in the harbor. Four soldiers stood opposite to this man. Each of them fired three balls at his head with all the calmness in the world and the whole assembly went away very well satisfied. What is all this, said Candide, and what demon is it that exercises his empire in this country? He then asked who was that fine man who had been killed with so much ceremony. They answered it was an admiral. And why kill this admiral? It is because he did not kill a sufficient number of men himself. He gave battle to a French admiral and it has been proved that he was not near enough to him. But replied Candide the French admiral was as far from the English admiral. There is no doubt of it, but in this country it is found good from time to time to kill one admiral to incurred to the others. Candide was so shocked and bewildered by what he saw and heard that he would not set foot on shore and made a bargain with the Dutch skipper, were he even to rob him like the Suriname captain, to conduct him without delay to Venice. The skipper was ready in two days. They coasted France. They passed inside of Lisbon and Candide trembled. They passed through the straits and entered the Mediterranean. At last they landed at Venice. God be praised said Candide embracing Martin. It is here that I shall see again my beautiful Cunagonda. I trust Cacombo as myself. All is well. All will be well. All goes as well as possible. End of Chapter 23. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Joyce Nussbaum, Highland Park, New Jersey. Candide by Voltaire. Chapter 24 of Paquette and Friar Jiro Flay. Upon their arrival at Venice, Candide went to search for Cacombo at every inn and coffee house, and among all the ladies of pleasure, but to no purpose. He sent every day to inquire on all the ships that came in, but there was no news of Cacombo. What, said he to Martin, I have had time to voyage from Suriname to Bordeaux, to go from Bordeaux to Paris, from Paris to Dieppe, from Dieppe to Portsmouth, to coast along Portugal and Spain, to cross the whole Mediterranean, to spend some months, and yet the beautiful Cunaganda has not arrived. Instead of her, I have only met a Parisian wench in a Paragordian abbey. Cunaganda is dead without doubt, and there is nothing for me but to die. Alas, how much better it would have been for me to have remained in the paradise of El Dorado than to come back to this cursed Europe. You are in the right, my dear Martin. All is misery and illusion. He fell into a deep melancholy, and neither went to see the opera nor any of the other diversions of the carnival. Nay, he was proof against the temptations of all the ladies. You are in truth very simple, said Martin to him, if you imagine that a mangrove valet who has five or six millions in his pocket will go to the other end of the world to seek your mistress and bring her to you in Venice. If he find her, he will keep her to himself. If he do not find her, he will get another. I advise you to forget your valet, a combo in your mistress Cunaganda. Martin was not consoling. Candid's melancholy increased, and Martin continued to prove to him that there was very little virtue or happiness upon earth, except perhaps in El Dorado, where nobody could gain admittance. While they were disputing on this important subject and waiting for Cunaganda, Candid saw a young Theatin fryer in St. Martin's piazza, holding a girl in his arm. The Theatin looked fresh colored, plump and vigorous. His eyes were sparkling. His air assured. His look lofty and his step bold. The girl was very pretty and sang. She looked amorously at her Theatin and from time to time pinched his fat cheeks. At least you will allow me, said Candid, to Martin, that these two are happy. Hitherto I have met with none but unfortunate people in the whole habitable globe, except in El Dorado. But as to this pair I would venture to lay a wager that they are very happy. I lay you there or not, said Martin. We need only ask them to dine with us, said Candid, and you will see whether I am mistaken. Immediately he accosted them, presented his compliments and invited them to his inn to eat some macaroni with lombard partridges and caviar and to drink some Montepulciano, Lacrame Christi, Cyprus and Samo Swine. The girl blushed. The Theatin accepted the invitation and she followed him, casting her eyes on Candid with confusion and surprise and dropping a few tears. No sooner had she set foot in Candid's apartment than she cried out. Ah, Mr. Candid does not know Paquette again. Candid had not viewed her as yet with attention, his thoughts being entirely taken up with Kunaganda, but recollecting her as she spoke. Alas, said he, my poor child, it is you who reduced Dr. Pangloss to the beautiful condition in which I saw him. Alas, it was I, sir, indeed, answered Paquette. I see that you have heard all. I have been informed of the frightful disasters that befell the family of my Lady Baroness and the fair Kunaganda. I swear to you that my fate has been scarcely less sad. I was very innocent when you knew me. A grey fryer, who was my confessor, easily seduced me. The consequences were terrible. I was obliged to quit the castle some time after the Baron had sent you away with kicks on the back side. If a famous surgeon had not taken compassion on me, I should have died. For some time I was the surgeon's mistress, merely out of gratitude. His wife, who was mad with jealousy, beat me every day unmercifully. She was a fury. The surgeon was one of the ugliest of men, and I the most wretched of women, to be continually beaten for a man I didn't do not love. You know, sir, what a ill-natured woman to be married to a doctor. Incensed at the behavior of his wife, he one day gave her so effectual a remedy to cure her of a slight cold that she died two hours after in the most horrid convulsions. The wife's relations prosecuted the husband. He took flight, and I was thrown into jail. My innocence would not have saved me if I had not been good-looking. The judge set me free on condition that he succeeded I was soon supplanted by a rival, turned out of doors quite destitute, and obliged to continue this abominable trade which appears so pleasant to you men, while to us women it is the utmost abyss of misery. I have come to exercise the profession at Venice. Ah, sir, if you could only imagine what it is to be obliged to caress indifferently an old merchant, a lawyer, a monk, a gondolier, an abbey exposed to abuse and insults, to be often reduced to borrowing a petticoat only to go and have it raised by a disagreeable man, to be robbed by one of what one has earned from another, to be subject to the extortions of the officers of justice, and to have in prospect only a frightful old age, a hospital on a dung-hill. You would conclude that I am one of the most unhappy creatures in the world. I have given her heart to honest condeed in the presence of Martin, who said to his friend, you see that already I have one half the wager. Friar Giroflay stayed in the dining-room and drank a glass or two of wine while he was waiting for dinner. But said condeed to Paquette, you looked so gay and content when I met you. You sang and you behaved so lovingly to the Theaton that you seemed rather reverse. Ah, sir, answered Paquette, this is one of the miseries of the trade. Yesterday I was robbed and beaten by an officer, yet today I must put on good humor to please a Friar. Condeed wanted no more convincing. He owned that Martin was in the right. They sat down to table with Paquette and the Theaton. The repast was entertaining and towards the end they conversed with all confidence. Father said condeed to the Friar. You appear to me to enjoy a state that all the world might envy. The flower of health shines in your face. Your expression makes plain your happiness. You have a very pretty girl for your recreation. Then you seem well satisfied with your state as a Theaton. My faith, sir, said Friar Giroflay. I wish that all theatons were at the bottom of the sea. I have been tempted a hundred times to let fire to the convent and go and become a Turk. My parents forced me at the age of fifteen to put on this detestable habit to increase the fortune of a cursed elder brother whom God confound. Jealousy, discord, and fury dwell in the convent. It is true I have preached a few bad sermons that have brought me in a little money, of which the Friar stole half while the rest serves to maintain my girls. But when I return at night in my mystery I am ready to dash my head against the walls of the dormitory and all my fellows are in the same case. Martin turned towards Khandid with his usual coolness. Well, said he, have I not won the whole wager? Khandid gave two thousand piasters to Paquette and one thousand to Friar Giroflay. I'll answer for it, said he, that with this they will be happy. I do not believe it at all, said Martin. So perhaps with these piasters only render them more unhappy. Let that be as it may, said Khandid, but one thing consoles me. I see that we often meet with those whom we expected never to see more, so that perhaps as I have found my red sheep and Paquette it may well be that I shall also find Kunagonda. I wish, said Martin, she may one day make you very happy, but I doubt it very much. You are very hard of belief, said Khandid. I have lived, said Martin. You see those gondoliers, said Khandid, are they not perpetually singing? You do not see them, said Martin, at home with their wives and brats. The doge has his troubles the gondoliers have theirs. It is true that all things considered the life of a gondolier is preferable to that of a doge, but I believe the difference to be so trifling that it is not worth the trouble of examining. People talk, said Khandid, of the senator Poco-Coronte who lives in that fine palace on the Brenta where he entertains foreigners in the politest manner. They pretend that this man has never felt any uneasiness. I should be glad to see such a rarity, said Martin. Khandid immediately sent to ask the Lord Poco-Coronte permission to wait upon him the next day. Poco-Coronte a noble Venetian Khandid and Martin went in a gondola on the Brenta and arrived at the palace of the noble senior Poco-Coronte. The gardens laid out with taste were adorned with fine marble statues. The palace was beautifully built the master of the house is a man of sixty and very rich. He received the two travelers with polite indifference which put Khandid a little out of countenance but was not at all disagreeable to Martin. First two pretty girls very neatly dressed served them with chocolate which was frothed exceedingly well. Khandid could not refrain from commending their beauty, grace, and address. They are good enough creatures said the senator. I make them lie with me sometimes for I am very tired of the ladies of the town of their coca-trees of their quarrels, of their humours, of their pettinesses, of their prides, of their follies and of the sonnets which one must make or have made for them but after all these two girls begin to weary me. After breakfast Khandid walking into a long gallery was surprised by the beautiful pictures. He asked by what master were the two first. There by Raphael said the senator. They brought them at a great price out of vanity some years ago. They are said to be the finest things in Italy but they do not please me at all. The colours are too dark the figures are not sufficiently rounded nor in good relief. The draperies in no way resemble stuffs. In a word whatever may be said I do not find there a true imitation of nature. I only care for a picture when I think I see nature itself and there are none of this sort. I have a great many pictures but I prize them very little. While they were waiting for dinner Poco Quarante ordered a concert. Khandid found the music delicious. This noise said the senator may amuse one for half an hour but if it were to last longer it would grow tiresome to everybody though they durst not own it. Music today is only the art of executing difficult things and that which is only difficult for these long. Perhaps I should be fonder of the opera if they had not found the secret of making it a monster which shocks me. Let who will go to see bad tragedies set to music where the scenes are contrived for no other end than to introduce two or three songs ridiculously out of place to show off an actress's voice. Let who will or who can die away with pleasure at the sight of an eunuch quavering the role of Caesar or of Cato and strutting awkwardly upon the stage. For my part I have long since renounced those paltry entertainments which constitute the glory of modern Italy and are purchased so dearly by sovereigns. Khandid disputed the point a little but with discretion. Martin was entirely of the senator's opinion. They sat down to table and after an excellent dinner they went into the library. The room were magnificently bound, commended the virtuoso on his good taste. There, said he, as a book that was once the delight of the great Pangloss, the best philosopher in Germany. It is not mine, answered Pococorante Cooley. They used it one time to make me believe that I took a pleasure in reading him, but that continual repetition of battles so extremely like one another, those gods that are always active without doing anything decisive, that Helen who was the cause of the war, and yet who scarcely appears in the peace. That Troy so long besieged without being taken. All those together caused me great weariness. They have sometimes asked learned men whether they were not as weary as I of that work. Those who were sincere have owned to me that the poem made them fall asleep. Yet it was necessary to have it in their libraries, or like those rusty metals which are no longer in use in commerce. But your Excellency does not think thus a virtual, said Cundeed? I granted the senator that the second, fourth, and sixth books of his Aeneid are excellent. But as for his Pius Aeneas, his strong Cloanthus, his friend Akates, his little Ascanius, his silly King Latinus, his bourgeois Amata, his insipid Lavinia, I think there can be nothing more flat and disagreeable. I prefer Tasso a good deal, or even the soporific tales of Aureosto. May I presume to ask you, sir, said Cundeed, whether you do not receive a great deal of pleasure from reading Horace? There were maxims in this writer, answered Pococorante, from which a man of the world may reap great benefit, and being written an energetic verse impressed upon the memory. But I care little for his journey to Brundusium and his account of a bad dinner or of his low quarrel between one Rupilius whose words, he says, were full of poisonous filth and another whose language was imbued with vinegar. I have read with much distaste his indelicate verses against old women and witches, nor do I see any merit in telling his friend Mycenus that if poets his lofty head shall touch the stars. Fools admire everything in an author of reputation. For my part I read only to please myself. I like only that which serves my purpose. Cundeed, having been educated never to judge for himself, was much surprised at what he heard. Martin found there was a good deal of reason in Pococorante's remarks. Oh, here is Cicero, said Cundeed. Here is the great man whom I fancy you are never tired of reading. I never read him, replied the Venetian. What is it to me whether he pleads for Rupilius or Cloentius? I try causes enough myself. His philosophical work seemed to me better, but when I found that he doubted of everything I concluded that I knew as much as he and that I had no need of a guide to learn ignorance. Ha! Here are four score volumes of the Academy of Sciences, cried Martin. Perhaps there is something valuable in this collection. There might be, said Pococorante, if only one of those rakers of rubbish had shown how to make pins. But in all these volumes there is nothing but chimerical systems not a single useful thing. And what dramatic works I see here, said Cundeed, in Italian, Spanish, and French. Yes, replied the senator, three thousand and not three dozen of them good for anything. As to those collections of sermons which altogether are not worth a single page of Seneca, in those huge volumes of theology you may well imagine that neither I nor anyone else ever opens them. Martin saw some shelves filled with English books. I have a notion, said he, that a Republican must be greatly pleased with most of these books which are written with the spirit of freedom. Yes, answered Pococorante, it is noble to write as one thinks. This is a privilege of humanity. In all our Italy we write only what we do not think. Those who inhabit the country of the Caesars and the Antoniuses dare not acquire a single idea without permission of a Dominican friar. I should be pleased with the liberty which inspires the English genius. The passion and party spirit did not corrupt all that is possible in this precious liberty. Candide, observing a Milton, asked whether he did not look upon this author as a great man. Who, said Pococorante, that barbarian who writes a long commentary in ten books of harsh verse on the first chapter of Genesis, that coarse imitator of the Greeks who disfigures the creation and who, while Moses represents the eternal, producing the world by a word, makes the Messiah a great pair of compasses from the armory of heaven to circumscribe his work? How can I have any esteem for a writer who has spoiled Tasso's hell in the devil, who transforms Lucifer sometimes into a toad and other times into a pygmy? Who makes him repeat the same things a hundred times? Who makes him dispute on theology? Who, by a serious imitation of Arioste's comic invention of firearms, represents the canonating in heaven? Neither I nor any man in Italy could take pleasure in those melancholy extravagances, and the marriage of sin and death and the snakes brought forth by sin are enough to turn the stomach of anyone with the least taste, and as long description of a pest-house is good only for a grave-digger. This obscure, whimsical and disagreeable poem was despised upon its first publication, then I only treat it now as it was treated in its own country by contemporaries. For the matter of that I say what I think, and I care very little whether others think as I do. Candide was grieved at this speech, for he had a respect for Homer and was fond of Milton. Alas, he said softly to Martin, I am afraid that this man holds our German poets in very great contempt. There would not be much harm in that, Martin. Oh, what a superior man, said Candide below his breath, what a great genius is this Poco corante. Nothing can please him. After their survey of the library they went down into the garden where Candide praised its several beauties. I know of nothing in so bad a taste, said the master. All you see here is merely trifling. After tomorrow I will have it planted with a nobler design. But do you not see, answered Martin, that he is disgusted with all he possesses? Plato observed a long while ago that those stomachs are not the best that reject all sorts of food. But is there not a pleasure, said Candide, in criticizing everything and pointing out faults where others see nothing but beauties? Then he said, I am afraid that this man holds our German poets in very great contempt. But what about beauties? That is to say, replied Martin, that there is some pleasure in having no pleasure. Well, well, said Candide, I find that I shall be the only happy man when I am blessed with the sight of my dear Conaganda. It is always well to hope, said Martin. However the days and the weeks past Cacombo did not come and Candide was so overwhelmed with grief that he did not even reflect the bouquet and fryer-zero flay to not return to thank him. End of Chapter 25 This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org. This reading by Fox and the Stars of ShiningHalf.com. Candide by Voltaire. Chapter 26 Of a Supper which Candide and Martin took with six strangers and who they were. One evening that Candide and Martin were going to sit down to supper with some foreigners who lodged at the same inn, a man whose complexion was black as soot came behind Candide and, taking him by the arm, said, Get yourself ready to go along with us. Do not fail. Upon this he turned round and saw Cacombo. Nothing but the sight of Cunaganda could have astonished and delighted him more. He was on the point of going mad with joy. He embraced his dear friend. Cunaganda is here without doubt. Where is she? Take me to her that I may die of joy in her company. Cunaganda is not here, said Cacombo. She is at Constantinople. Oh heavens! At Constantinople! But were she in China, I would fly thither. Let us be off. Get out after supper, replied Cacombo. I can tell you nothing more. I am a slave. My master awaits me. I must serve him at table. Speak not a word. Eat, and then get ready. Candide, distracted between joy and grief, delighted at seeing his faithful agent again, astonished at finding him a slave, filled with the fresh hope of recovering his mistress, his heart palpitating, his understanding confused, who saw all these scenes quite unconcerned, and with six strangers who had come to spend the carnival at Venice. Cacombo waited at table upon one of the strangers. Towards the end of the entertainment he drew near his master, and whispered in his ear, Sire, your majesty may start when you please. The vessel is ready. On saying these words he went out. The company in great surprise looked at one another without speaking a word, when another domestic approached his master and said to him, Sire, your majesty's chaise is at Padua, and the boat is ready. The master gave a nod, and the servant went away. The company all stared at one another again, and their surprise redoubled. A third valet came up to a third stranger, saying, Sire, believe me, your majesty ought not to stay here any longer. I am going to get everything ready. And immediately he disappeared. Candide and Martine did not doubt that this was a masquerade of the carnival. Then a fourth domestic said to a fourth master, your majesty may depart when you please. Saying this he went away like the rest. The fifth valet said the same thing to the fifth master, but the sixth valet spoke differently to the sixth stranger who sat near Candide. He said to him, Faith, Sire, they will no longer give credit to your majesty nor to me, and we may perhaps both of us very night. Therefore, I will take care of myself. Adieu. The servants being all gone, the sixth strangers with Candide and Martine, remained in a profound silence. At length Candide broke it. Gentlemen, said he, this is a very good joke indeed, but why should you all be kings? For me I own neither Martine nor I as a king. Kakambo's master then gravely answered in Italian, I am not at all joking. My name is Ahmet III. I was Grand Sultan many years. I dethroned my brother. My nephew dethroned me. My viziers were beheaded and I am condemned to end my days in the old Seralio. My nephew, the great Sultan Mahmud, permits me to travel sometimes for my health and I am come to spend the carnival at Venice. A young man who sat next to Ahmet spoke then as follows. My name is Ivan. I was once emperor of all the rushes, but was dethroned in my cradle. My parents were confined in prison and I was educated there. Yet I am sometimes allowed to travel in company with persons who act as guards and I am come to spend the carnival at Venice. The third said, I am Charles Edward King of England. My father has resigned all his legal rights to me. I have fought in defense of them and above eight hundred of my adherents have been hanged, drawn, and quartered. I have been confined in prison. I am going to Rome to pay a visit to the King, my father, who was dethroned as well as myself and my grandfather, and I am come to spend the carnival at Venice. The fourth spoke thus in his turn. I am the King of Poland. The fortune of war has stripped me of my hereditary dominions. My father underwent the same vicissitudes. I resigned myself to Providence in the same manner as Sultan Ahmed, the Emperor Ivan, and King Charles Edward whom God long preserve and I am come to the carnival at Venice. The fifth said, I am King of Poland also. I have been twice dethroned but Providence has given me another country where I have done more good than all the Sarmatian kings were ever capable of doing on the banks of the Vistula. I resign myself likewise to Providence and am come to pass the carnival at Venice. It was now the sixth monarch's turn to speak. Gentleman said he, I am not so great a prince as any of you. However, I am a king. I am Theodore, elected King of Corsica. I had the title of Majesty and now I am scarcely treated as a gentleman. I have coined money and now am not worth a farthing. I have had two secretaries of state and now I have scarce of allay. I have seen myself on a throne and I have seen myself upon straw in a common jail in London. I am afraid that I shall meet with the same treatment here, though, like your majesties, I am come to see the carnival at Venice. The other five kings listened to his speech with generous compassion. Each of them gave twenty sequins to King Theodore to buy him clothes and linen and Candide made him a present of a diamond worth two thousand sequins. Who can this private person be? said the five kings to one another, who is able to give and really has given a hundred times as much as any of us. Just as they rose from table in came four serene highnesses who had also been stripped of their territories by the fortune of war and were come to spend the carnival at Venice. But Candide paid no regard to these newcomers. His thoughts were entirely employed on his voyage to Constantinople in search of his beloved Cunagonda. End of Chapter 26 This recording is in the public domain. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. This reading by Fox and the Stars of ShiningHalf.com Candide by Voltaire Chapter 27 Candide's Voyage to Constantinople The faithful Cacombo had already prevailed upon the Turkish skipper who was to conduct the Sultan Ahmet to Constantinople to receive Candide and Martin on his ship. They both embarked after having made their obeisance to his miserable highness. You see," said Candide to Martin on the way, we subbed with six dethroned kings that there was one to whom I gave charity. Perhaps there are many other princes yet more unfortunate. For my part I have only lost a hundred sheep, and now I am flying into Cunagonda's arms. My dear Martin, yet once more Pangloss was right. All is for the best." I wish it," answered Martin. But," said Candide, it was a very strange adventure we met with Adventus. It has never before been seen or heard that sixty-throned kings have subbed together at a public inn. It is not more extraordinary, said Martin, than most of the things that have happened to us. It is a very common thing for kings to be dethroned, and as for the honour we have had of subbing in their company, it is a trifle not worth our attention. No sooner had Candide got on board the vessel than he flew to his old valet and friend Cacombo and tenderly embraced him. Well," said he, what news of Cunagonda? Is she still a prodigy of beauty? Does she love me still? How is she? Thou hast doubtless bought her a palace at Constantinople?" My dear master," answered Cacombo, Cunagonda washes dishes on the banks of the propontus in the service of a prince who has very few dishes to wash. She is a slave in the family of an ancient sovereign named Dragotsky, to whom the Grand Turk allows to live in his exile. But what is worse still is that she has lost her beauty and has become horribly ugly. Well, handsome or ugly," replied Candide, I am a man of honour, and it is my duty to love her still. But how came she to be reduced to so abject estate with the five or six millions that you took to her? Ah," said Cacombo, was I not to give two millions to Ibarra, Ifigeroa, and Mascarenes, and Lampordo, Cisusa, Governor of Buenos Aires, for permitting Miss Cunagonda to come away? And did not a corsair bravely rob us of all the rest? Did not this corsair carry us to Cape Matapan, to Milo, to Nicaria, to Samos, to Petra, to the Dardanelles, to Marmora, to Scutari? Cunagonda and the old woman serve the prince I now mention to you, and I am slave to the dethroned sultan. What a series of shocking calamities, cried Candide, but after all I have some diamonds left, and I may easily pay Cunagonda's ransom. Yet it is a pity that she has grown so ugly. Then, turning towards Martin, who do you think said he is most to be pitied, the sultan Ahmet, the emperor Ivan, King Charles Edward, or I? How should I know, answered Martin, to see into your hearts to be able to tell? Ah, said Candide, if Pangloss were here he could tell. I know not, said Martin, in what sort of scales your Pangloss would weigh the misfortunes of mankind and set a just estimate on their sorrows. All that I can presume to say is that there are millions of people upon earth who have a hundred times more to complain of than King Charles Edward, the emperor Ivan, or the sultan Ahmet. That may well be, said Candide. In a few days, they reached the Bosphorus, and Candide began by paying a very high ransom for Cacombo. Then, without losing time, he and his companions went on board a galley in order to search on the banks of the propontas for his Cunagonda, however ugly she might have become. Among the crew there were two slaves who rode very badly, and to whose bare shoulders the captain would now and then apply blows from a bull's-pizzle. Candide, from a natural impulse, looked at these two slaves more attentively than at the other oarsmen, and approached them with pity. Their features, though greatly disfigured, had a slight resemblance to those of Pangloss and the unhappy Jesuit and Westphalian baron, brother to Miss Cunagonda. This moved and saddened him. He looked at them still more attentively. Indeed, said he to Cacombo, if I had not seen Master Pangloss hanged, and if I had not had the misfortune to kill the baron, I should think it was they that were rowing. At the names of the baron and of Pangloss the two galley slaves uttered a loud cry held fast by the seat and let drop their oars. The captain ran up to them and redoubled his blows with the bull's-pizzle. Stop, stop, sir, cried Candide. I will give you what money you please. What? It is Candide, said one of the slaves. What? It is Candide, said the other. Do I dream? cried Candide. Am I awake? Or am I on board a galley? Is this the baron whom I killed? Is this Master Pangloss whom I saw hanged? It is we, it is we, answered they. Well, is this the great philosopher? said Martin. Ah, captain, said Candide. What ransom will you take for under Ten Trunk, one of the first barons of the empire, and for Monsier Pangloss the profoundest metaphysician in Germany? Dog of a Christian, answered the leventine captain. Since these two dogs of Christian slaves are barons and metaphysicians, which I doubt not are high dignities in their country, you shall give me fifty thousand sequins. You shall have them, sir. Carry me back at once to Constantinople and you shall receive the money directly. But, but, no, carry me first to Miss Kudaganda. Upon the first proposal made by Candide, however, the leventine captain had already tacked about and made the crew ply their ores quicker than a bird cleaves the air. Candide embraced the baron and Pangloss a hundred times. And how happened it, my dear baron, that I did not kill you? And, my dear Pangloss, how came you to life again after being hanged? And why are you both in a Turkish galley? And is it true that my dear sister is in this country? said the baron. Yes, answered Kakambo. Then I behold once more my dear Candide, cried Pangloss. Candide presented Martin and Kakambo to them. They embraced each other and all spoke at once. The galley flew. They were already in the port. Instantly Candide sent for a Jew to whom he sold for fifty thousand sequins a diamond worth a hundred thousand, though swatched him by Abraham that he could give him no more. He immediately paid the ransom for the baron and Pangloss. The latter threw himself at the feet of his deliverer and bathed them with his tears. The former thanked him with a nod and promised to return him the money on the first opportunity. But is it indeed possible that my sister can be in Turkey? said he. Nothing is more possible, said Kakambo, since she scours the dishes in the service of a Transylvanian prince. Candide sent directly for two Jews and sold them some more diamonds, and then they all set out together in another galley to deliver Kunaganda from slavery. End of Chapter 27 This recording is in the public domain. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org. This reading by Fox and the Stars of ShiningHalf.com. Candide by Voltaire Chapter 28 What happened to Candide, Kunaganda, Pangloss, Martin, etc.? I ask your pardon once more, said Candide to the baron, your pardon-reverent father for having run you through the body. Say no more about it, answered the baron. I was little too hasty I own, but since you wish to know by what fatality I came to be a galley slave, I will inform you. After I had been cured by the surgeon of the college, of the wound you gave me, I was attacked and carried off by a party of Spanish troops who confined me in prison at Buenos Aires at the very time my sister was setting out thence. I asked Leave to return to Rome to the general of my order. I was appointed chaplain to the French ambassador at Constantinople. There had not been eight days in this employment when one evening I met with a young Ichoglan who was a very handsome fellow. The weather was warm, the young man wanted to bathe, and I took this opportunity of bathing also. I did not know that it was a capital crime for a Christian to be found naked with a young Muslim. A caddie ordered me a hundred blows on the soles of the feet and condemned me to the galleys. I do not think there ever was justice, but I should be glad to know how my sister came to be a scullion to a Transylvanian prince who has taken shelter among the Turks. But you, my dear Pangloss, said Candide, how can it be that I behold you again? It is true, said Pangloss, that you saw me hanged. I should have been burnt, but you may remember it reigned exceedingly hard when they were going to roast me. The storm was so violent and disparate of lighting the fire, so I was hanged because they could do no better. A surgeon purchased my body, carried me home, and dissected me. He began with making a crucial incision on me from the naval to the clavicular. One could not have been worse hanged than I was. The executioner of the Holy Inquisition was a subdeacon and knew how to burn people marvelously well, but he was not accustomed to hanging. The cord was wet and did not slip properly, and besides, it was badly tied. In short, I still drew my breath when the crucial incision made me give such a frightful scream that my surgeon fell flat upon his back, and imagining that he had been dissecting the devil, he ran away, dying with fear, and fell down the staircase in his flight. His wife, hearing the noise, flew from the next room. She saw me stretched out upon the table with incision. She was seized with yet greater fear than her husband, fled and tumbled over him. When they came to themselves a little, I heard the wife say to her husband, my dear, how could you take it into your head to dissect a heretic? Do you not know that these people always have the devil in their bodies? I will go and fetch a priest this minute to exorcise him. At this proposal I shuddered, and mustering up what little courage meaning I cried out aloud, have mercy on me. At length the Portuguese barber plucked up his spirits. He sewed up my wounds. His wife even nursed me. I was upon my legs at the end of fifteen days. The barber found me a place as a lackey to a knight of Malta who was going to Venice, but finding that my master had no money to pay me my wages I entered the service of a Venetian merchant and went with him to Constantinople. Today I took it into my head to step into a mosque, where I saw an old Iman and a very pretty young devotee who was saying her pattern ostors. Her bosom was uncovered, and between her breasts she had a beautiful bouquet of tulips, roses, and eminies, ranunculus, hyacinths, and auriculas. She dropped her bouquet. I picked it up and presented it to her with a profound reverence. I was so long in delivering it that the Iman began to get angry and seeing that I was a Christian he called out for help. They carried me before the caddie who ordered me a hundred lashes on the soles of my feet and sent me to the galleys. I was chained to the very same galley and the very same bench as the young baron. On board this galley there were four young men from Marseille, five Neapolitan priests, and two monks from Corfu who told us similar adventures happened daily. The baron maintained that he had suffered greater injustice than I and I insisted that it was far more innocent to take up a bouquet and place it again on a woman's bosom than to be found stark naked with an aegioglan. We were continually disputing and received twenty lashes with a bull's-pizzle when the concatenation of universal events brought you to our galley and you were good enough to ransom us. Well, my dear Pangloss, said Candide to him, when you had been hanged, dissected, whipped and were tugging at the oar, did you always think that everything happens for the best? I am still of my first opinion, answered Pangloss, for I am a philosopher, and I cannot retract, especially as Leibniz could never be wrong. And besides, the pre-established harmony is the finest thing in the world and so is his plenum and materia subtilis. End of Chapter 28 This recording is in the public domain. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org This reading by Fox and the Stars of ShiningHalf.com Candide by Voltaire Chapter 29 How Candide found Kuniganda and the Old Woman again While Candide, the Baron, Pangloss, Martin and Kakambo were relating their several adventures, were reasoning on the contingent or non-contingent events of the universe, disputing on effects and causes on moral and physical evil, on liberty and necessity, and on the consolations a slave may feel even on a Turkish galley, they arrived at the house of the Transylvanian Prince on the banks of the propontus, the first objects which met their sight were Kuniganda and the Old Woman hanging towels out to dry. The Baron paled at this sight. The tender, loving Candide, seeing his beautiful Kuniganda in brown with bloodshot eyes, withered neck, wrinkled cheeks and rough red arms, recoiled three paces seized with horror, and then advanced out of good manners. She embraced Candide and her brother, they embraced the Old Woman, and Candide ransomed them both. There was a small farm in the neighborhood which the Old Woman proposed to Candide to make a shift with till the company could be provided for in a better manner. Kuniganda did not know she had grown ugly for nobody had told her of it, and she reminded Candide of his promise in so positive a tone that the good man durst not refuse her. He therefore intimated to the Baron that he intended marrying his sister. I will not suffer, said the Baron, such meanness on her part and such insolence on yours. I will never be approached with this scandalous thing. My sister's children would never be able to enter the church in Germany. No, my sister shall only marry a Baron of the Empire. Kuniganda flung herself at his feet and bathed them with her tears. Still, he was inflexible. You foolish fellow, said Candide. I have delivered thee out of the galleys. I have paid thy ransom and thy sisters also. She was a Skullian, and is very ugly, yet I am so condescending as to marry her, and dost thou pretend to oppose the match? I should kill thee again where I only to consult my anger. Thou mayest kill me again, said the Baron, but thou shalt not marry my sister at least whilst I am living. End of chapter 29 This recording is