 And we're back! I apologize why every site 42 critique lab ends up in a two-parter because the site crashes But let's pull up the chat on the new video and continue our dive into What it means to be human man Chat is up. Here we are. So what was I saying before that lagged out and crashed? We need a balance of Enough story and being told Pardon shown slash told slow shown, you know show not tell but We need the story to be pushed through More because there are assumptions that people don't see at all or wait too long to be caught 05 9 being at fault for this Comes in way too late Right now it doesn't tell us that we sent Jesse to the wrong dimension. It's just glazed over so small that it's easy to miss and With so much stuff We just need extra We need we need more context and we need it. We do need to shorten it a little bit Because people are cross-eyeing so actually, I Don't know if Yes, we're final reference Jesse meant at least what I would do is Jesse Mantell Slug with an 05 9 ethics committee note Honestly, I feel like Dr. Blank's note that we're not relegating him to the gallows Isn't too important in a version that doesn't have the you Like it's kind of something where we try and humanize If I race to see me when Jesse gets wrecked people assume 05 9 is Jesse or ask why Jesse gets the powers instead hmm interesting and for context this this is the sixth version of this skip and It's been up on the site in two different iterations and come back down due to downvotes. So this is this is an uphill battle. We're fighting and Okay, so here's another thing. I don't actually know what happens to 05 9 It's never Okay self-deletion not downvotes but I don't know what happened to 05 9 at all It never mentions him again He's it doesn't say he got deleted from history. It doesn't say that they did something with him He just So that's that's something I annoyed with. I don't know if he got his come off. It's or anything cease up The chat mentioned is he reality bent it away? No unconfirmed is a guy who gets reality bent it away but It never mentions 05 9. So he's in prison, but cannot be killed due to 9 6 3 dash 2 We need to know that There's a lot of stuff. We don't need to know and there's stuff. We do need to know Where 05 9 went we need to know We need to know that Jesse went in to the wrong universe and why Because that's the that's a very interesting thing. That's not mentioned at all Even to the point where it's hard to tell that he went to the wrong universe In the Delta Corbin article part as it is this is gonna have a hell of a lot of cross links in it to get some points across Like how can we get one point that's going on in the chat right now is That I still don't know what 9 6 3 dash 2 is read 9 6 3 then We don't really need That's in this article at least Because this has nothing to do with that particular piece. That's just a background history of 05 9 So thankfully that's not something Because remember you want every SCP to be understood without looking like anything else Or looking at anything else. You want your story to stand on its own So the question is does this stand without having to look at any other articles? mostly There are a lot of things that are enhanced by knowing though and those things Yeah, like of course not So yes, we need to trim this We need to Yeah, this You can tell a story including other Articles But it has to live on its own the author says in the chat, but it's series four and series four is Not does not excuse that that is I Cannot think of a lot of articles that don't stand on their own There might be an article that requires another article but I Don't even think that's the case Because the goal of the story is you have to be able To explain it within the current skip, even if another skip is part of it SCP-3143 Tells you everything you need to know about Murphy law Without you having to read SCP-3043 You don't need to read 3043 to Read 3143 So if 3143 is the first thing you read Yes, it's a little pathophysical and hard. It's hard in that sense But it does not seem But it does not need the other ones your article has to stand on its own. I'm pretty sure At least mostly sure that you can't give me an article on the wiki That omits information that you need to read another SCP to understand That's a Problem in the writing that's not you can't rely on the other articles to carry weight for you just like that's a that is a less common Form of cross-linking problem because the cross-linking problem. We all know is linking to a popular article To make your scene better Just kind of leaching off the popularity of an already good article. You don't do that and You don't link to another article to rely on its strength Or you don't really just link to a series one article But that's more of a guideline than a rule linking to a later articles better because we don't do it as much So those are the three sins of cross-linking I can think about relying on popularity relying on for knowledge or Doing series one's kind of iffy So you need to rely on your own story. You can't use another story to tell your story The techno babble's fine as long as the story inside is fleshed out you need to find a way to get Jesse Mantel to Just God So much there's so much going on here The author states less relying on it for info more on it because these characters have already been fleshed out And it would be redundant of me to add the info already stated elsewhere That is not true That is a bad call in this case in all cases You have to give a minimal amount You need to tell the audience what they need to know for your story to work like 059 has a long history so They don't need to know his whole history But they need to know that he has a thirst for immortality That is the thing they need to know in this story to understand it So if you don't tell them he has a thirst for immortality Then they won't know why he's doing any of this It's cool that in every story. He's in he is looking for reality The author points out yes, it's indicated in the interview yes, but We all that info that interview is just after the fact long info dump What happened is at least as far as I can tell is you had a skip and People didn't understand it. So you tacked on an interview explaining it and Instead what should have happened is you should have sparse to this information little by little throughout the skip That way the story is told during Rather than just here's a long thing. I don't understand and here's what actually happened You want this to be understandable? That's the important part So that interview was a bad idea in this case this position interview that just says everything above Should just be facts that we got throughout the skip Uh The author says but I really like the interview and want to keep it because it goes into the dilemma of inevitable destruction You can go into that dilemma Somewhere in the original Is it would be better for you to have that giant exposition dump Get rid of Harding all together in the interview have the ethics committee Talked to 059 himself and bought bug him Uh, we have another scp where the o fives argue with the ethics committee and the ethics committee stages a coup and Takes over becomes the new o fives like you can use the o fives for this kind of purpose Or if you want it coming from someone else, I still think it should be way shorter and Put in somewhere Like even a much shorter interview linked to an ethics committee notes Next to the generator itself Would be better because then at least your hap your explanation happens during the story and not at the end Because a story that makes us scratch our heads and have a headache and then dumps all the information at the end That's just bad story structure because there are good themes the theme of 059 doing what he's doing for a selfish purpose or an altruistic purpose is interesting the idea of an outside observer Harding Trying to guess his of purposes and hedging his bets on the good because of a nihilistic outlook that everything's gonna end anyways is interesting The researchers trying to save Jesse could be interesting But we don't have enough of him right now It's a lot of people talking about Jesse Rather than us really meeting the character in dealing with his plight. So Jesse Mantell He says what four lines in the story that's half about him in the incident log researcher Mantell one two two lines Mantell has Two lines and then two lines after the translation. He has four lines of dialogue One of our two main characters are subject Jesse is iconic by the time he gets shipped as a result of his condition says the author Show me that that sounds awesome. So there's a concept in story writing that says if this is a Lot of people like do flashbacks or like they'll say hey remember that Uganda incident in 1973 and the thought is If that is more interesting than what we're seeing show us that and The author says it's in the document. I sent you on discord and what I'm saying is it should be in this document somewhere Because him getting turned into an X-man isn't interesting Him going insane and reality-bending and forcing them to send him away and being sent to a wrong place where they blow up an entire galaxy by accident be they populated galaxy that is Super interesting That is the story your skip needs to be telling and right now it isn't so All right, he is saying I think it would be prudent that you see it as it looks like it's definitely making it into the final draft Let's go in. I'm open in discord I can't see the YouTube chat because I got discord open. What's going on? New mentions, but in general Google doc All right characters Jesse Jerry Messer It's like three three names of the same guy Jesse plus Jerry equals Messer. I Hear them you hear what Jesse the most important ones and why are they important sir readings are striking dramatically I'm trying to calm him down. They want to take me Jesse. I you need to stay here. Do not go with whoever you hear He turns to the microphone. He's delusional. We can't keep him much longer. No, don't do it Please we're always having a breakthrough. It's going to have to happen. He's going to be critical soon readings are reaching Reachings are reaching readings are reaching critical condition. No, we have it. We almost have it We were so close to planning a cure. We simply need the proper dosage values of that They just want to help they don't need to come with them man. Tell snap out of it. Jesse. Jesse. It's okay, Jerry I'm going I'm going to see them engaging me our sake. Please insert and turn your safety keys The psychologist is both an investor about to insert the key and turn it. No, I won't do it He'll die outside of the chamber and we'll die with him here You're acting like an idiot not a scientist insert your key. He'll stabilize. I'm not doing it unless it's truly necessary Turn the key now Jerry turns the key initiating the slowly moving track hooked to three revised restraints through his clients The only sound being the whooshing of the portal and the motors in the back wheels where I'm already stabilizing I don't know what's causing it. It's the excess reality. It's like the portal. We must get him out No, we don't know if it'll work abort Okay, so Still not the most interesting part though, I'm glad we're gonna have a conversation about this document because we're gonna Talk about this now that interview is 9% two guys arguing over whether they are going to save Jesse and Or whether they're gonna shoot him away Jesse is mumbling about others. I Don't know who those others are. I can't tell from the text I have no clue. I don't know if they're important and by the way, I'm back in the YouTube chat now So hi YouTube chat Brad Barman. I have no idea what's going on right now. That's fine. Jack. He's just crazy. Okay, so he's just crazy He's lost his brain but In this case Number one just off tangent. He's just crazy is never as fun as if there's a different meeting So if there is something cool, we can slide in there that's like a sly reference or a callback to something or if he is going psychotic, maybe he's going back to the day of the Incident and he's reliving the incident and Like he's trying to fix the court the crystal that broke or something but it should be more than just jibbering about nothing There should be more to that crazy Slash vision slash whatever it could be or isn't there should be more to it than just meaningless stuff That's just more literacy interesting Literacy interesting That's not a thing you say Okay, second most of this is on the ethical dilemma of Getting rid of him or keeping him But at no point during this does his reality-bending misfire except for the portal in the very last second What if he uh he was What if like as I said earlier what if a dog turned it what if a table turned into a dog? What if things were happening and they're like, oh my god, this is getting really really crazy We better do something my clipboard has turned into Sandstone and it's really heavy and my pen is now has word Things that like show reality is bending despite the safety precautions Because he is the most powerful reality-mender that's ever been That's what happened in the recovery log in the recovery log really incident report do you mean the incident reports? because Only the only thing that happens in that incident report is his arm goes through a desk like That's I don't think that's enough Like does an explosion something exploded he wipes a dude and becomes intangible Like and I don't even know why he wipes a dude. That's a thing. Why did he wipe that dude? Did that dude do something to him? Is that Christensen? Is that did he deserve to go? Does he know something now? Like he just it's accidental he randomly went but it's accidental to Mantell But it has to have a reason in the inner workings of the story Like is this guy a guy? He didn't look and that's why when he heard his voice it annoyed him And so he got rid of him Like I hate that guy. I wish he wasn't here poof It's not enough for it just to be a random occurrence. That's the thing insanity shouldn't just be random George drool as a character only existed to be wiped and that's not a good character and You you don't want a bad character. You don't want someone who just exists to get wiped and then disappears you want You should have his backstory in your head You should know who he is you should know why he exists as a character Besides just getting wiped you should know his relationship to him because him like earlier in the thing in a random dialogue saying I never liked that guy And now he doesn't exist. That's kind of interesting. There's all sorts of you've got the bare bones of what? you've got a whole lot of what but you don't have why and Why is the most important question because why is the reason we care? Right now a bunch of stuff happens but We all either don't get it or don't care and We will care to if we care we will fight through techno babble to get it But if we don't care, we just kind of shake our heads and go that was what was that? So you need to go in and you need to think about these things because no part of a story exists just to exist there should be Frickin Every character should have a meaning and a purpose and every character has wants. This is why they exist This is where their relationship to everyone else you write out outlines and character maps. This is this person he exists It'd be interesting There were like blank places where he didn't exist or was like white from history. I don't know. I'm just there's so much There is so much here Courts point out there is no why it's a reality bender aka Meaning has no meaning anything can happen. That is false That is false Because reality has meaning based on what the reality bender says based on what they want SCP 3999 is a reality bender and it has a want It wants to write a story or In universe it wants to torture Taloram it wants to do both It mainly wants to write a story and it's kind of torturing Taloram by accident except at some points It's doing it on purpose But it has the meaning is in the reality bender's meaning So when something is white from existence, it has to have meaning to the reality bender Courts says 3999 is a perfect example of my point and I say 3999 is the opposite of your point Reality bending The most important thing is the bender what they do and why Nothing happens without a reason even a reality bender bends reality for a reason I don't remember the number of the series one little girl reality bender But if she bended reality by accident, it was because she thought something So when she thought Santa Claus was real it spawned a Santa Claus That's the kind of thing if she thought if she decided she wanted something it happened If she decided something was real that thing existed it was linked to her Nothing just happened without a thought It always had a purpose 3999 has a purpose and if you don't know what the 3999 purpose is Then If you don't know what the 3999 purpose is I actually made a video Talking all about it's a 10-minute explainer on 3999 Go check that out because it'll get you I don't make more sense now going back to the author for a second I feel Mantell stretches his arm out to drool and helps him to stabilize Physically not reality wise and blew him out of reality So that's so you're saying he basically iron-banned him out of reality Like he threw up his arm and a wave of reality knocked him out I Think if he was using This guy to stabilize him I Think all of the sudden That guy would all of the sudden become a fixed point in time and immovable he is so stable that he reaches out and touches him and now that guy can't move or Change ever again He is a fixed point in time because the reality bender Needed to be able to stabilize himself That is what a reality bender accidentally does when they try to stable himself and they don't understand their power That was a cool idea I like that I feel I feel happy about that. All right So yes, that is the kind of thing you think of you think of why something is happening or you think of what you want to happen you want or what the character has and Then you go extrapolate from why it's a I Just watched a great series. So for all of you writers, we're now getting like way off topic So I'm gonna end this with a quick summary of everything. I think before we chat in the chat a little more for funsies and that is basically This skip we're worried about the story structure and we're worried about why We're worried about the length a little bit and we're worried about making sure that the audience knows what's going on Not through assumption, but through showing More showing less telling show us what happens document what happens SCP documents are weird because a lot of it has to be tell instead of show Because that's why oh my god. I'm about to get off on such a tangent, but I need to finish the sentence So You need to make sure the document speaks for itself No other document can help it can elaborate on other things outside of this document, but this document needs to stand alone Probably needs to be shorter Make the explanation fit into the actual documents rather than being an ending interview Even if you got to put parts of the interview in there All right, cool. So the author is leaving We're gonna talk shop a little while longer, but thanks for the draft learn something about this skip I think everyone learned something about writing and critiquing and I can't wait to see a rewrite of this that gets To being site ready What tangent was good I got to go on Now that the skip is done courts. I want to make something about spooky-j making his own gaming channel and making it an ARG I'm just saying I would Die to do a spooky-j gaming channel. That would be really funny Just as let's plays as spooky-j. That would be hilarious but if you want to learn more about writing and about How to do stories the way I do and I'm gonna send this link to Jack since he has to get off if he doesn't see it But look up a channel called Night Mind Night Mind run by a guy named Nick Nocturne is a brilliant channel that looks down different Da-da-da it looks over different horror things and it explains The stories and it shows the clues that you should have seen while watching marble hornets tribe 12 PetScop all these different online web series and it goes into the depths of the writing and it goes into the kind of things where if you study this You become a better writer Because you're studying and I'm a college dropout. I've written one SCP article. I'm not hugely qualified to go into writing I'm just trying to help out but I go to every source I can who does these Explanations and I take in what they do. I listen to critics. I listen to Game theory does some good stuff. Sometimes Nightmare Masterclass is a newer channel that kind of does what Night Mind is So if you like Night Mind Nightmare Masterclass is also amazing in the same thing but going back to Night Mind he has a series called how to make a web series and It teaches you how to make a YouTube series or an ARG or stuff like that where you're writing fiction Watch it all. It gives you like several tracks to go down Watch it all if you want to write stories watch that entire series because he teaches you all about how good stories are made And if you want to be good at the SCP you need to know how good stories are made by itself then you can make good SCPs and Finally The one thing that I'm gonna give you from that class on Night Mind's channel How to make a web series on Night Mind go check it out is twisting and he talks about this in a couple of the tracks, but twisting is what I just did to Jack's idea. It's the idea of taking something you see and then extrapolating Saying what would happen if this happened from here? in this case we wanted him to accidentally He wanted to him to reach out to somebody to stabilize himself, but instead blow that person out of existence That doesn't make sense in the mind of the reality bender. So what would happen if a reality bender who didn't know his powers Thought I need to stabilize myself Let me put my hand on you to stabilize myself. What would that do to a person? They would become the most stable object in the planet ever they would be immovable fixed point in time Can't be moved. They are now a statue That's the kind of thing an out-of-power reality bender would do by accident Because they didn't know their powers, but they wanted to be stabilized themselves. So that kind of What would happen if this scenario is what's missing from a lot of things? So that's why that's why bad stories get made. That's why Stories where you don't care about it gets made because the logical leap isn't there You want a starting point and you want to go from there as to why this happens and the great thing about that is when you write a story From a point and you keep twisting all of the sudden number one your entire story always makes sense and number two You get in really interesting directions that no one's ever gone before because you're not thinking of this is what I want to happen You're thinking what would happen if this happened? What would happen if that happened? Most TV shows aren't written all the way start to finish They start at a point and every episode they twist from there to the next story That's why every show that does that goes in wildly different directions Okay, I had a headache from the article and And I just cackled because I was about to sign off but the author Jack is still here Go check out Night Mind series read it all listen to it all But I actually changed my mind the voices that are talking to Jesse are Successful articles and they want that they want him to join them That is ridiculous that is Comically ridiculous and it's so out there And as a concept I find it hilarious and ridiculous and I love it The only thing is I don't think it'll fit in the serious tone of everything else. You're doing because that is meta Whereas everything else is reality-bending and while 3999 is meta about Okay, so Jack you say you won't say it, but it's my author again. Okay, so you're not like gonna change it. All right Or you might change something but interesting Because yeah, there's the witch girl who bends reality, but it's still constrained to the story and Then there's 3999 which you might say is meta because it messes with the format But it actually doesn't mess with the meta of the site It doesn't make it doesn't do anything pedophysical 3999 doesn't Okay, it does comment on it being a story when the author talks to us and tells us what the story is about So yes, sometimes reality-bending can go so far as to go into meta Reality-bending and meta are separate, but they can come together So you just need to blend those things well. I'm not sure how that's gonna go I can't wait to see how it turns out. Maybe it'll be amazing Maybe it won't be but just keep thinking of why This is what this is where I'm starting What happens and does that make sense? And if you can grow that web? I think this story might be better So with that, I want to thank you guys for tuning into the site 42 critique lab I hope this helped you guys. I hope you guys enjoyed the show. I hope you guys had enjoyed hanging out with me I'm gonna if you want to submit your draft because I don't have a draft for next week right now You can submit your please be it like mostly finished that way We're not like just doing spelling grammar spelling grammar submit it to scp site 42 at gmail.com You can submit your draft and we'll go over it next week Beyond that If you like the channel if you like what we're doing do all those YouTube things like liking sharing subscribing paid for tree awning Keep an eye on the merch store guys because I just got some things and They're not up yet at this exact minute But by the end of the day, there's gonna be some new merch and I think you're gonna like it I got some I've been talking some artists. We got some things going on. It's gonna be hip. It's gonna be cool It's gonna be rad. So yeah, that's that. Thank you guys. See you next time foundation staff Poke you in the face until the phone responds