 The makers of Wrigley's Spearman Chewing Gum invite you to enjoy life, life with Luigi, a new comedy show created by Cy Howard, and starring that celebrated actor, Mr. J. Carol Nash with Alan Reed as the squad. Wrigley's Spearman Chewing Gum is a typically American product that appeals to people of all ages and nationalities in all parts of our country. And the Wrigley people feel that life with Luigi is a typically American radio program. A friendly, enjoyable show that sort of symbolizes the American spirit of tolerance and good will. So the makers of refreshing, delicious Wrigley's Spearman Gum are glad to bring you life with Luigi and have you join them in this pleasant half-hours entertainment. Now let's read Luigi's letter as he writes about his adventures in America to his Mama Vasco in Italy. Dear Mamma Mia, sometimes I wonder if you kind of know how big is this beautiful country, America? And how is it compared to Italy? Mamma Mia, they got a wonderful state to hear, Texas. Is it take up so much room with the rest of the country is it got to squeeze it together or it would all fall into the ocean? I guess the reason I'm writing here about Texas is because I've been thinking about Pasquale's daughter Rosa. This is the biggest state in the union and Rosa is the biggest girl in the union. And I'ma think if these two wasn't the only ones left in America, Rosa would have pushed Texas into the ocean. Mamma Mia, lately my countryman Pasquale, he's bothered me so much about Rosa. I'ma go almost crazy. So last night I'ma took her to the movies and what's happened? I bought her two seats. We went in, Rosa sat down and I'ma had a stand all night. Next time I'ma better reserve half of the balcony. But anyway I'ma told Pasquale about this and again he's started to insult me. He's a holler and a holler until he's kept me late from my right school class. So then I'ma left him there and I run away to my school teacher Miss Spaulding who I'm going to ask her advice on what I'ma should do. All right class, quiet please, please, I'll call a roll. Mr. Basco? Well, he's absent tonight. Mr. Horowitz? Here. Mr. Olsen? Hey, hey. Mr. Schultz? I think. Thank you, fellow boobers. To no Schultz is to adore a fool. All right, Mr. Fool. I mean Mr. Schultz. Now let's get on with our lesson. I'ma hear it, Miss Spaulding. Your late Mr. Basco, please sit down. Now class, tonight in our grammar lesson we are studying clauses. And who will volunteer to give us a sentence containing a clause? Mr. Horowitz? Miss Spaulding, every time you ask for a volunteer, right the way you call on me. Fortunately, today I know the answer. Good. You may give us a sentence containing a clause. John chased the cat. And where's the clause? On the cat's feet. No, no, Mr. Horowitz, you should know by this time what a clause is. Well, I do know Miss Spaulding, believe me. But when you call on me, I get nervous and I forget. So don't call on me and I'll guarantee I'll know the answer. That sounds reasonable. Well, all right, Mr. Schultz, suppose you tell us what a clause is. Certainly. A clause is a little thing in a big sentence. What do you mean? Well, inside a big sentence, there could be a little sentence which has got its own nouns, adverbs, verbs, adjectives. Now, this little sentence has got everything the big sentence has got, only it ain't got the location. So it can't start up by itself in business. Miss Spaulding, I know you like to save me only for emergencies. But if you wish, I will give the correct answer now. There he goes, the round brain in the square head. Just ignore him. Mr. Olson, yes, you may give us a sentence with a clause. Yeah. John and Jack, because they needed money, opened up a general store in Poughkeepsie. Good. Now, Mr. Baskow, in that sentence, where's the clause? In a Poughkeepsie. What? Mr. Baskow, you've been staring out of the window ever since class started. What are you thinking about? What a Pascuali. He's a nagging me so much lately I must start to feel very bad. Lovigy, if we told you once, we told you a million times, you should leave Pascuali and go out on your own. Your horde has to write for you, Manny. That Pascuali will always be just a big yerk. Yeah, but a friend's is a harder thing to do. What do you think, Miss Spaulding? Well, Mr. Baskow, have you ever thought of using psychology on Mr. Pascuali? Oh, no, Miss Spaulding. I would have never hit him with anything. No, no. Look, psychology, that's applying a method which would appeal to his mind. Impossible. Pascuali ain't got it, no mind. Mr. Schultz, please. You know, Mr. Baskow, I've noticed that you're always very meek in Mr. Pascuali's presence. When he nags you or insults you, you say very little. Well, perhaps if you assume just the opposite attitude, his attitude might undergo a complete change, too. What do you mean, Miss Spaulding? Luigi, it's simple. You've got to stand up to him. You're just right, Luigi. Tell him you believe him, and I'll bet you he stops pestering you. That's a wonderful idea, Luigi. Now, next time Pascuali opens up his mouth, you just fold your arms and say, Pascuali, one more word out of you, and I am getting out of here. Here, buddy, your tickets are going to work. Why don't you try it, Mr. Baskow? Nothing else has succeeded. Luigi, it's bound to work. You see, you produce a psychogenic reaction in Pascuali, which releases infantile fears on the gashians, causing his defense mechanism to drop and his maintenance of compulsion and assurance to be eliminated. What? What? That was so, so wonderful. Yeah, yes, that's so wonderful. What does it mean? Luigi, it was tough enough memorizing it. I've got to know what it means, too. Luigi, my friend. Hello, Luigi. Hello. Hello. Hi, Pascuali. Hi, Pascuali. Yeah. That's the matter, my little banana nose. You look like you carry around potato chips on your shoulder. Pascuali, you're looking on a different, Luigi. You know, look different to me. They look like the same old cabbage person, little pumpkin seeds of her eyes, and a little... Yeah, but Pascuali, I'm talking about my psychology. I'm independent. Well, well. I suppose you've got an important date to where you'll rich your friend. The rock is a fella. You're going to borrow a cup of oil, maybe? Pascuali, I'm warning you. Is it going to be the last straw? So what if it's the last straw? Drink it from the bottle. What are you so independent about? If you're leaving me, where are you going to sleep, or how are you going to eat? You're going to get a job, could it be? I said that first. All right, then let's look on the jobs. In the post office, are you impossible? Is the civil service a job? You're going to be a veteran of the Civil War for that. Well, all right then. Then I'm going to be a barber. That's impossible, too. You ain't got a high school diploma, so you can't get into the barbers of college. Then I'm not going to do anything. I'm not going to wash your floors, or clean the windows, sell the fruit, or anything. Anything. Ain't going to help you one bit, Mr. Jaber. First of all, I've written the papers today that every empty job in America is the taker. Huh? Taker? That's all right. They've got five people for every two jobs, which means there's a two-and-a-half of people looking for one job. That's the sadistics. You mean a two-and-a-half of people is looking for one job? That's all right. Two big fellas and one midget. Now, go ahead and look me in the face and tell me you're going to take away a job from a midget. Well, Pasquale is a bigger country. There must be something I can do. Sure. Are you brains? Are you training, which you ain't got? The only thing you can do is buy a little monkey, a tin cup, and an organ. No, Pasquale, don't talk like that. Make it that way. You could have grind out a living. Yeah. Pasquale, one or more, what are you, and I'm a living. What? Are you a living? That's all right. What? You mean a doctor? You hate me. Good or ribbons, the bad or radish, or whatever they say. Get out of here, and remember, don't ever open this door and a docker to my face again. Yeah, but, but, Pasquale, aren't you sorry for what you said? That's a fine way to talk. To me, fellow, what's brought you from the older country? Fellow, what's the use? It's only proven what they say, a snake in the grass is a word the two in the bush. No, go, go, I don't want to look on you. Yeah, yeah, but, but Pasquale, don't you know nothing about the psychology? I'm a know nothing about a nothing, but I know this. I want you out by tonight, and I don't care if you travel, find a job, and even get a rich. You don't think? No, and if you pass me on the street, don't even bother to say hello because we're going to be living in a different city. To live with Luigi, I'd like to suggest an easy, inexpensive way to make your daily work more enjoyable. Keep some wriggly, spearmint chewing gum handy. It's a treat you can enjoy almost any time, even when you're working at a fast pace. You'll find the lively, full-bodied, real mint flavor refreshing. It cools your mouth, helps keep your throat moist, and the good, smooth chewing gives you a feeling of satisfaction while you work. It helps break the monotony and makes the job seem a bit easier. Get a few packages of delicious wriggly, spearmint chewing gum when you go out tomorrow morning. Enjoy chewing wriggly spearmint while you work. You will feel better and work better. And now let's turn to page two of Luigi Vasco's letter to his mother in Italy. I'm so, I mean, is it the worst thing that's ever happened to me? The psychology is no work, and now I'm really sick. I'm, I'm, I'm gonna live here, where I'm, I'm, I don't know. First time I thought I'm gonna take my life for sevens in a travel away from a Chicago. But then I'm a thought, how far could the subway take me? Anyway, now I'm sitting in my store wondering what I should do when suddenly my door is opened up and it shows as it comes in. Luigi, my fellow boob! Oh, hello, hello. No, Luigi, what's the matter? Himmels tears in your eyes. No, you was crying. No, please, Luigi, don't cry. I couldn't stood it. You look like an Italian pop singer. My shoes, my squallies throw me out. The psychology is no work. What? That's right. He's said two snakes is the worst than a lettuce in the grass. So he just said I should never say hello to him in a different city because he's gonna have a darker face. Himmels, Luigi, are you for shimmers? But it's only our fault, Luigi. We gave you the wrong advice. No, no, no, I'm not sure. So you tried. But now, now I'm gonna go somewhere else. But where? Ah, smile, Luigi. You're coming to live with me. With you? Me and my happy little family. That's me, my wife Frieda, the three children, Uncle Hugo, Aunt Matilda, her nephew Wolfgang, his sister Anna, cousin Jake, Grandpa Max, and the rest of the family. Sure, so you got enough of a place for me? No, sure, Luigi. We just moved to a new apartment. Oh, no apartment, but how many rooms do you got? Two. No, stop, Luigi. I know just what you're thinking. What do we do with so much room? Well, we invited some friends to live with us. So smile. No, no, sure, so you don't got enough room. Is there no place for me to sleep? Ah, stop. Smile. We got it all figured out. Me and my wife and the three children, we sleep in the big bed. Uncle Hugo and his wife, they got the cut. Cousin Wolfgang is got the Morris chair, Aunt Matilda sleeps on the ironing board, and Grandpa Max on the television set. And the television is set? Yeah, and believe me, he's the best thing on television today. Well, there's no sound possible, or whether he's a finer place to sleep on a television set. Oh, there's plenty of room. Between Channel 9 and Channel 11, they got nothing. You should have seen him last Sunday. You know, he overslept. The tubes got hot. He was jumping around, and all night long, it was hop along grandpa. That's right, Luigi, love, be happy, never worry. The only difference between me and the warrior is we both got nothing, but the other fellows got wrinkles. That's just, you're a wonderful person, but it's a time I'm sure I'll learn to figure out the things for myself. But what can you do, Luigi? Well, I'm going out to find myself a job. Aha, that's a good idea. If you're hung around here with Pasquale, you're going to wind up with a skinny future and a fat wife. So the first thing I'm going to do to help you, Luigi, is send you to an employment agency. Employment agency? That's right, they're going to help you find a job, any kind of job. Yeah, but you think that they're going to find the one for me, should you? I'm positive. Now I write it down in the address, and you go down. All right. And smile, Luigi. Show the teeth. Like that. Be like me. Always happy. Always loving. Oh. My home-marchism is killing me. Profile. Hmm, you don't tell us what previous jobs you've held. Well, a mis-employment, lady. Since I'm in this country, I'm always a worker for myself. I see. And how much did you earn? That's the trouble. I was my own boss, but I never could afford to pay myself for what I earned. Well, Mr. Basko, as regards wages, how much money do you expect? It depends on how much money you got there. You don't understand. We don't pay you the money. We just give you the job. What kind of a job is this of what I'm going to get paid? Mr. Basko, your employer pays you. All we get is your first week's salary. You get on my first two weeks of salary? Yes. Why? You do my first two weeks of work? Of course not. That's a funny thing. Is it like being married without a wife? No, it's only our fee, and we'll straighten it out. The important thing is to find you a job. Do you know office work? Well, I think I could have worked in an office. Well, you have to have more than a desire. Some typing, bookkeeping. How's your shorthand? How's my shorthand? Yes. Please, lady, this sleeve is a little longer than the other one, but both of my hands are the same size. Oh, I guess office work is out. Look to me, Mr. Employmenter. Maybe you're going to find me working at a restaurant. Yes, sometimes I'm going to help out in the past qualities of spaghetti paris. Well, fine. I can get you a job in dozens of coffee pots. Coffee pots? Certainly. You know what a coffee pot is, don't you? Oh, sure. That's the pot the way you make it a coffee. But how am I going to work in a one? Oh, don't worry. Now, you take this note down to Jones' hash house and see if you can find it. Hey, waiter, how long do I have to sit at this table for my order? Yes, but two fried eggs on toast. Baskill, did you call his order into the kitchen? Yes, yes, Mr. Jones. I'm a holler. I'm a holler. The two fried eggs and a toast. Well, how do you expect the chef to understand you? It's Adam and Eve on a raft! Then he knows I'm one of two fried eggs and a toast. That's right. Maybe he's a writer, but he's not English. That's restaurant-ling, old Baskill. I thought you said you had experience. Hey, waiter, how about some spare ribs? I'd like to, sure, sure. I want to order the spare ribs. No, no. What do you think the chef is, anyway? A magician? How will he know if you want spare ribs if you just say spare ribs? You think it would have been better if I'm a just-to-say lima chops? Oh, brother, if you want spare ribs, you holler a stack of bones! Now he knows what you're talking about. Oh, what is it? He's all of so simply. Sure, just listen to me. You'll get it, I hope. Some coffee, Bob. Draw one! Draw one. No cream, make it dark. Pull down the shades! Hey, Baskill, what you doing? I'm pulling down the shades like he said. Stop, stop. I was just... Hey, where's my eggs? Yes, yes, yes. Is Adam and Eve in a life of both? On a rat! On a rat! And then under the curtain is it coming up a life of both with Adam and Eve in the stack of a bone? Oh. Well, well, well, if it ain't Baskvally, the answer to a meatball's prayer. Please, Schultz, I'm no one argue with you. My heart is heavy. That's not the only thing. You should be ashamed of yourselves the way you threw out Luigi. Schultz, since that day I'm a knockin' asleep. I'm a known joy at a thing. I'm a terrible shame of myself. You believe me, don't you, Schultz? Sure. Like Maisie believes Gimbels. Honest, Schultz, I'm a swear pinky to the sky. I wouldn't do anything to get that boy back. Well, it's too late now, Baskvally. Luigi has got a job and he's very happy. Don't say that, Schultz. I'm a knockin' a stand Luigi should be happy. I mean, without major. Where is he? I ain't talking. All right. Sobs of me right to my heart that should have broken a tinny, weeny piece. A tinny, weeny, weeny piece. A tinny, weeny, weeny, tinny, weeny piece. No, please. You're dirtying up my floor with the pieces. Before I go, Schultz, I'll ask you like a dying man. It's no use. As far as I'm concerned, Luigi is happy. At Jones Hash House on 384 6th Street and you should never bother him again between 7 and 5 when he works there. Thank you, Schultz. Sure. Stack away. So what do you want, bud? Oh, a couple of eggs. How do you want them? Prime of both sides. Let's have a tour and flap them over easy. What's for you as a pal? Grind the dog and a pin of rose on him. Oh, thank you. Thank you, Mr. Jones. Take those extra tables. Get the joints getting proud. All right. Sure, sure. Hey, where is it? Stack away, sir. Hey, hey, Luigi. Hello. Huh? Sorry, bud. This ain't on my table. Luigi, look. It's me, Pasquale. Sorry. You must have been taken for another wait. Hey, can I have a ham sandwich to go out? What do you want, the girly? A ham sandwich to go out. Press one a pig to go for a walk. What's happened to you? You don't even talk English anymore. Look, bud. Look. I'm only got a two hands. You better get another waiter. Luigi, don't look at me like that. This is Pasquale, your countryman. A fellow who's brought you to America. Coffee, please. Throw one. One time. Let's go. One cup of mud. Luigi, I know I was wrong. And when I'm going to do something wrong, I'm the first one to admit it. Okay, girly. This little piggy is ready to go. Where's the coffee? Hey, affiche. Where's the affiche? Luigi, maybe you don't want to look at me no more, but I'm going to bring somebody else with me. Please, Luigi, let me call Rina just to stay here. Rosa. Rosa. Rosa. Yes, my little pigeon. Rosa, look at Luigi. Tell him what you would want the most of all. Most of all? Yes. Tell him what you need to make you happy. Six lamb chops and lots of potatoes. Oh, shut up, you face. Luigi, please, listen. How's about that beef sandwich? Beef sandwich? Won a cow between sheets. Luigi, please. Look at what I'm going to do. I've only got two hands in the center of my table. Come, Ross, it's in our use. Baskov, that's a fourth dish you broke today. Well, I'm a... I'm a sari, Mr. Johnson. Hey, where is my milk? I'm a sari. Squeeze it out of my navel. I mean, a squeeze of cow on a lifetime. Baskov, take off that apron. You've fouled everything up around here. I never saw such a change in a man. You picked up everything in no time, and just as soon as that, you forgot everything. No, but a pleasure, please, Mr. Johnson. My mind is in that... That's it. Your mind is not period. Since that guy in the fat dame left, you haven't been the same. You're fired. Fired? Yeah. Oh, no. No, please, Mr. Johnson. You can't have fired me. I'm gonna go to no place to go. Now that I'm a Mr. Pascuali, I was the actor terrible at doing this. He's never gonna see me no more. I don't care. Pack up your things and go. You're fired. Through. Finished. Oh. Hello. Hello. Is Mr. Baskov there? Yes, just a minute. Here, Baskov, for you. Me? Hello, this isn't me. Mr. Baskov, we never do anything like this, but it seems another party wants you very badly. If your other boss can sense, would you go to work in another restaurant? Oh, yes, sure, sure. Where is it? At 25 North Holsters. 25 North Holsters Street. I'm at 21 North Holsters Street. That's the next door to my antique shop. Hey, that's a spus. Yeah, that's a spus. It's a spaghetti spus. Squatty spaghetti spus. That's right. He's offering you $10 more a week. Ten? All right, to make it a 20. Huh? Who's that? Please, Luigi, don't hang up. I give you 26 weeks off during the summer, 13 off during the winter, six weeks of pension, a double time of a holiday, a triple of time when don't feel tired. Luigi, say yes and make him be happy. Oh, Baskov, yes, yes, yes. For you, I'm welcome for nothing. Luigi, you just made me the happiest man in the world. Sure, Baskov. Welcome. Hello, Pop. Everything is a work out of finance. I'm a back end of my antique shop, and I'm also helping out the Pasqualeans in his store. But a funny thing is that I happen to my mum here. I'm a missus, something. I'm gonna feel right. I don't know what it is, but something is gone out of my life, and I'm gonna feel right. What's the idea? You're still for a green hall in a boob, you ain't got the brains of a jackass. Why I brought you from the older country I'll never know. No, wait, stop it, stop it, Pasqualeans. Wait, I'm gonna finish this letter. Mamma mia, I'm gonna feel very happy now. I'm gonna find out what I'm missing in life. Yeah, it was a Pasqualeans insult. He's my good friend. And now, mamma mia, I'm home again. You're loving a son, Luigi Baskov. A little immigrant. Folks, the makers of Wrigley's Spearmint Chewing Gum hope you enjoyed tonight's episode of Life with Luigi, and they'd like to remind you that Wrigley's Spearmint is just about the perfect taste treat to enjoy between your meals. During the morning or afternoon, when you get a little hankering for something tasty, slip a stick of Wrigley's Spearmint Gum into your mouth. Chew on it and get the full enjoyment of the pleasant chewing and the refreshing, delicious, real mint flavour. That little stick of Wrigley's Spearmint Chewing Gum will satisfy you without spoiling your appetite for lunch or supper. Try it, won't you? Keep some Wrigley's Spearmint Gum handy to enjoy between your meals. Friends, so that the members of the Life with Luigi cast may enjoy a well-earned vacation, this program will be off the air for the next eight weeks. However, the makers of Wrigley's Spearmint Chewing Gum invite you to listen next week at this same time when they will bring you from Hollywood the romantic adventure show, Romance. Life with Luigi is produced and directed by Si Howard. Mac Benhoff writes the script with Lou Derman. J. Carol Nash is starred as Luigi Basko with Alan Redis Pasquale, Hans Conrida Schultz, Jody Gilbert as Rosa, Mary Ship as Miss Spalding, Joe Forte as Horowitz, and Ken Peters as Olsen. Music is under the direction of Lud Guskin. And so, folks, until we're back on the air, eight weeks from now with Life with Luigi, this is Bob Stevenson speaking. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.