 So, I think this video is a terrible idea and I'm gonna do it anyway. For a while now I've been dealing with depression and the more that I talk about it, the less alone that I feel and the more that I learn about the people in my life. So I've been ruminating on this idea of this being a video that I talk about how difficult it's been for me to kind of go through this era of creative process and it's weird because I feel like this is the worst platform to do that on for me because I haven't really invested in it a lot but also like part of this process of breaking through this thing that's been really difficult for me this last year and a half because my experience with depression has really been brought to light through this experience of trying to make stuff on YouTube. It's like just funniest thing to say. It feels so stupid. But it is what it is. About a year and a half ago I decided that I really wanted to try and do some more video-based stuff and I wanted to get over the fact that I hated the way that I looked, the way that I talked about things, kind of the weird perspective that I brings to things that isn't particularly scientific or mathematical and has a lot of weird religious undertones like in it and it just all came to a head in making a video because every time I put something out it just felt like it had to be right like a lot of people were gonna see it and I guess see me in a different way and I'm not really sure what it is I think there's something about like putting something on YouTube that really feels like you're trying you know I've worked I've done a lot of writing online I've done a lot of podcasting and screencasting all that kind of stuff but there's something different about working on YouTube that kind of screams like I want attention look at me so I kind of approached it like I do with so many other things in my life which is this brute force attack where I know that it's gonna be uncomfortable for a while and so I just continue to like push through and press on and do the thing that's uncomfortable until eventually it feels a little less uncomfortable and it just kind of works but I kept hitting this like silent wall there was just something there and as I pressed on all of these things started to unravel and it was just the weirdest experience of sitting in front of this camera trying to talk about like code and working and stuff like that and then having all this crap come up like just stirring up these murky waters of things that my child did and relationships with people that I'd like tried to ignore but like I just really really hated them and it kind of became clear that there was really nothing to do except sit with it for a little bit now this is really hard for me because I'm not the sit with it for a little bit type if you know me I just want to break through everything just press on through find the answer and move on with my life and you know for the first time I couldn't and even in recording this it's super weird for me to talk about something that doesn't really feel like it has a clear solution to it yet because I want to inspire not necessarily you but I want to inspire myself into action believing that things are possible that I can continue to press forward without having to deal with the stuff that is behind me I think for the first time in my life I'm starting to be okay with the idea that there are going to be times where I just can't and while I've grown up with the value of that kind of war of art mindset where you just continue to do the work every day show up and push yourself out there there are times when that is not the best approach and I think that's why I wanted to make this video to have some type of landmark where I was really honest with myself about a time where I couldn't just do the work and press forward that it was unreachable for me and I hope that in times where I'm trying to convince myself or someone else that it is possible that this video will remind me to have empathy for that person even if it's myself as far as how that applies to you I'm not sure but I do hope that if you find yourself in a place like this right now that you're encouraged that you're not alone so that's it weird video hopefully now I can get out of my head and move on you're awesome I love you see you later done