 Apparently the bat's body fits perfectly around an erect penis, but still he definitely shouldn't have eaten it after Welcome to episode number seven of the Marty and Michael podcast. It's fully actual We're coming at you straight out of the heart of the pandemic. What's it called Wuhan? We are fucked here. You can't go outside. Everyone's dying It's getting crazy this that you'll be hearing this a week from when we're recording it So it's probably gonna be even more fucked After this and people are saying oh, you know influences aren't affected by this people you you guys make More money from because people will be sitting inside watching your videos. No, no, they won't because no businesses We only make money when there's ads in videos and guess who pays for the ads Businesses and guess who doesn't have any business Businesses even Facebook have sent their staff home. Yeah, so it's like there's no support for Facebook and stuff post a video It doesn't get monetized. You choose being all fucking weird. So, um, yeah, it's gonna be funny But the good news is that we've got bloody a lot of time to film lots of stupid shit And just fucking try and have a good time during this time. Hey, we didn't make up tutorial today Yeah, we did a cheeky little mate. That's for the website only which of course reminds me that this podcast is sponsored by the University of Markle comm is going down register there if you want to see over six hours worth of unseen content So Michael's just gone and wiped dog shit all over his face today. That will be on the website all in good time So we did a cribs MTV crib episode. Yeah, we did it like a tour of my house tour of Michael's house That'll be one episode. That's like what 15 20 minutes of footage some shit like that. Yeah So, um, yeah, it's all gone times. It's half, but five bucks is five bucks. Um, now we've we've um, Matthew Why are you laughing? You got a mic you can talk Well, are you going wait? God I have to cut So yeah in the middle of this coronavirus shit, there's nothing to do everything's fucking closed everyone's just sitting around at home But um, you know what we've got the last p.o. Box Mahill's about to shut down. So Really? I dare say that the p.o. Box will slow down a little bit But um, if you can send some shit, there's a p.o. Box p.o. Box two five six Takham 40 18 Queensland, Australia And yeah, so sure p.o. Box. So the science experiment segment is back this week. Yeah, dude I've got a good one for you guys today. Is that what's going on now? No, not now not now Well, there's not much to shit talk about everyone's people are dying people are getting very sick everyone's staying indoors It's all very exciting. We're pretty prepared. I Bought canned fruit some pasta and beer. Yeah, we didn't do much of a panic buy But we just went out and bought just some essentials still don't have any weapons. Yeah. Oh, that's true Shovel shovel over there went to bunnings and I bought two axes one for close fights And a longer one for when I'm chasing someone or for when I plan to start looting Well, I bought this is like a it's sort of like a weapon because you can cut them with that part But it's shield to and a small axe. Yeah, it's like a shield and a weapon So we got weapons and we got tents so we can draw worst-case scenario if she gets crazy And we don't can't defend our homes anymore. We're just gonna get in the car and drive To the desert and well, we'll slowly die. That's our plan All right, that brings us to what's first segment time a scratch it is crashing time custom Matt's renamed this segment to And of course this is a segment And The questions that you guys have sent in relevant via Instagram Month Swani speaking in Niger, Mike. We got a question about him. So Swani boy zero one question for the podcast. Where do you see each other in five years? I see you on a mountain I see you Is that make sense? What's I see you again intensive care unit? Very evil No, that's more probably me. I reckon I will where do we see each other sells? I reckon we will be bigger. We will be not just the best will be pretty fucking massive will be a household name internationally Incredibly well in five years time. Yeah, yeah, we will be insanely rich and Yeah, be very renowned for a making Silly silly videos and just doing silly silly things. That's all will be big old house on a mountain Michael will have a small tent on a large piece of land and he'll be just be growing corn crops. I Do love my corn and he'll just turn into like a corn expert. He'll sort of Mix breeds of corn together and he'll start his own separate YouTube channel and use our main account to promote that And then he'll become like a corn farmer like just a small hobby that sort of turns into a big Sort of job and then he'll stop making videos after I think two or three years of harvesting corn Well, there you go. Yeah, I reckon I Man, we don't imagine the world in five hours. I'm it's gonna be in Alzheimer's by then to you. I reckon I've got early on in Alzheimer's So you can't even say on set on set. What do I say on set? No, you said a clip Early onset Alzheimer's I can see coming But it must be a good ride at least you go a bit nuts before you die. Most of my grandparents have it Bless them. I love them. Would you like to hear the 10 early signs of L signs? Oh Yeah, let's go and put your fingers out every time you tick one off. Okay, okay Memory loss that disrupts your life Mine was already put up all 10 fingers 100% their memory loss and hates that I kind of be shit That's one finger each gone Challenges in planning or solving problems. We're good when we're together about it. Yeah. All right. Yeah next Difficult difficulty in completing familiar tasks. No, no, not yet. I can still shit Confusion with time or place Yeah, well, I'm drinking Got two fingers up. I've got one Oh Trouble understanding visual images and I don't know so it's spatial Relationships. Yeah, you were speaking to a tree the other day thinking that it was no I Have been in moments, but that's from alcohol. Usually when you're munted you you're munted you see things Pop another finger up New problems with words and speaking or writing Michael 100% Yeah, but also me I think a little bit because it's harder to talk now after excessive drug MDMA you don't do too many caps in one search Did you fuck your head? Number seven is misplacing things and losing the ability to retrace steps. Yep. Yeah, that's happened a few times Michael's got five fingers up. I've got three or an increase in poor judgment an increase in poor That happens all the time with me. Look at the weekend that just passed that we won't talk about Yeah I think you've had someone since you were fucking born then Number nine is a withdrawal from work or social activities both of you withdrew from work to do other things Yeah, do you traveling and other things are fine? And the last one is changes in your mood and personality. Yeah But they change back All right, so Michael's got holding eight fingers up. I've got four fingers up. So I'm double cool There's also a big thing in the bottom. It says get checked early detection matters Oh, fuck that you're gonna have to go get it now Alzheimer's test. Imagine if I had Alzheimer's We could do it turn into a website Alzheimer's a bit of depression and that Brain cancer you've gotten your left femur to low Two more questions and then we're gonna move on What happened to Michael's face Amir Sal kick 12 well Michael has been fucking around with vacuum cleaners He's been using him to clean his hair to suck himself off and now to get itchy eyes Because he had a bit of hay fever So he put them on his eyeballs and was sucking him and it makes it gives like a hickey on his eyelids So it started the other night when I was drunk and I figured out that you could vacuum your eyes And you'd get like hickeys on your eyes and it looked like you've been punched. So then we thought Let's for our for our website make a video called the vacuum raccoon So we were trying to help promote back like not raccoons because raccoons are endangered Maybe soon so we thought fuck we better prepare if it if raccoons do become extinct So we can change humans to raccoons, which we did to me didn't work out as good this time because now I've only got one By my not to Anyway, that's why I look fucked. Does my beard look weird Yeah, you look more how much anyway next questions from left Have you ever done and hard any hardcore drugs with Nigel month? He's sober I'm not Nigel is sober. We've tried. We've tried to him We've tried to push him off the bandwagon. Fuck. He's got some good stories We want to get him back today. Don't just want to make a bit of math Fuck all night on math you can fuck all night on math Yeah, we tried he doesn't yeah, he's so clean now. It's hard It's hard for us. He's still good fun. He's still good fun. He's giving me a bit of body give him a coffee come D underscore and name all has asked dear podcast workers What is hard work getting to the was it hard work getting to the point we were at I can't read Alzheimer's Was it hard work getting to the point you're at or is it something else with the podcast? Well, well, let me tell you this. What's his name D underscore name all we've done 47 episodes 47th episode and we haven't received a cent Getting hard to the point we are in general hell. Yes To a lot of sacrifice a lot of do you mean with with on all platforms? Yeah, of course, dude It's four years of shit one thing she fucking crazy which you are Yeah, but you're trying to get away with being crazy to make it cool Which no one really respects until you get enough numbers behind your name and then all of a sudden Somehow you're cool and everyone all the friends that stopped talking to you all of a sudden fucking. Oh, oh, hey My I haven't seen you for always seen your video. It's so funny, mate. So shut up. Shut the fuck up It's the same people who are bloody. Oh, have you seen what what they're doing? Oh, God Fucking real Fucking hell Doctors doctors mean you've got Alzheimer's. You know, you've got multiple scrolls to Michael like it's a quick question I do know that that whole journey was quite wild Do you reckon you'll ever write or talk about it in full one day? Yes I will be writing a book about My life and then also one about our life and then one about Matt from wholesome, of course And it will be written in concrete It's underscore is underscore Matthew underscore fgg How do you see your high score on the game listeners? We have a mobile game called Marty and Michael colon Catch me. All right, it's available if you can. I don't know. It's just catch me. Are you it's available on iOS? I'm not good and Android. All right. Just search it and you'll find it. All right and Give it a review if you like and basically we're running a competition Where whoever sends us in a screenshot of the highest level will be inserted into the game as a character All right, there'll be many more. This will be already be done. Yeah Yeah, this by the time you're hearing this the the competition will already already be done But there will be another one coming. All right, so it's a game downloaded play it It's fucking good shit. If you want to see what level you're up to It's the beginning of each new run. It says whatever level you're up And you just take a quick cheeky little screenshot off your fucking out Last question question for the podcast Marty Have you ever experienced a cow fucking you or would you ever consider being fucked by one? And this is from Jake underscore Berges dot 14. Okay, Jay. You got one after for me It's good to see you curious, but no cast can't fuck me They don't have dicks ball a ball could fuck me, but no, I've never been fucked by a ball and They're usually running away You know, it's quite intimidating in the Middle of the night hearing yodeling coming from the darkness. Okay, what about if you got one of the cows Do you like cows over bulls one of the cows udders and force it in would you let that happen? No, no, I wouldn't ever enter anything from the cow. It's all just about dominating the beast and me inserting myself and Forcing my will onto that animal That's what it's all about Is my name my dick mean you willy Except my will He's also asked Michael. What is the one thing in your life? You regret the most and why I'd say smoking cigarettes Yeah, fucking idiot Except well, we did get a most viewed video from me fucking with you kids Don't ever start smoking because it's so so addictive and Fuck me. It's just That's smoking for you. All right, that's the end of the question segment which leads us to our next segment Which will probably not be that long because there's only one piece of Thing that you guys sent into the P. I box this week. This segment has been renamed to I didn't even realize he thought I was screaming really loudly. No, I knew I was just out and under the joke Anyway, this is a segment where we open up things. I'm gonna be careful. Okay, you guys have sent to us in the P. I box There's something in this there's something in this form. Is there a clear in this letter? No, it's an on Mars. Oh No Oh my god, we're having one each what's five. Yeah, I'll have one. What's five and mean five milligrams What's the ones we normally take ten? I guess we'll have to yeah, well, this is oxycodon dude. Oh, you got oxycodon as well. Yeah here. Oh my god Wait, he's these were open though. I wonder if he's taken these out and put something else in there. That was open Yeah, no wasn't you trying to scare me? No, but look at the shape of it. There's ox on it oxy. Yeah. Oh XM This is what we want People you sent us drugs Thank you Thank you for that All right, here's the letter. Yeah, here's the letter that's in there. Hey you sick hunts Hope you are doing well and have got some corona by now Loving your vids keep up the good work With the good here's something for Michael to take on the next vid Cheers, so he wants you to pass out Haven't had mine yet. I'm too scared I'll have the vowel of the vowel save the I don't want to be fucking I've got to drive home and be Cook dinner and she do oxy's the same as them. Yeah, the painkillers that that guy gives us except probably a bit stronger And you shouldn't mix valium and these together you have seizures, but that doesn't leave you have a lot Oh, that's fine. I've had a few of them and you shouldn't have with alcohol Well, I'll stop drinking Imagine if we died because some haters send us some fake drugs. I'm ready to die anyway Wow, that is like the best thing that's ever been sent to us to be able to start of this podcast to get free drugs Thank you very much. What an awesome segment that was we've had them now Thank you so much to ever send those in. Okay moving along to our next segment which has been renamed to Basically, this is just a segment where we do a science experiment just any in a spare time we do science experiments just to Sort of keep our science knowledge ticking over and this science experiment is called making Coca-Cola white Really want to do this, but what so you what's well? Don't tell us what happens and then we can tell you why you might want to do this after that's not gonna fizz up too much Michael's a scientist Oh Then we lost something then There's a little cock or something. All right, imagine you're sick of your coke being black That sounds racist, isn't it? You're sick of your coke looking like that. Okay, fuck Well, I don't even know what the point of this let's just do it. Don't do it And then we'll figure out the point after I just do these I'm mixing two-thirds coke one third bleach That's gonna fill over isn't it? You're gonna fill that to the very brim and it's not gonna overflow He's a scientist. Oh wow So, I know if you get bored of coke being I'd like a duck I saw that So, oh man bleach stinks So That's not bleaching that to my asshole I don't know if you want to do a prank on your friends and you want to give him a coke if you want to prank your friends Give him bleach Mixed bleach because it is still coke if it's bleached mixed with it I don't have a sip. Let's see if it still tastes good No, haha All right, so for those of you watching Michael poured the bleach in on the coke and the coke has turned a Yellow urine color and within five minutes. This will be completely you'll be water water So if you it's turning coke to water, I'm pretty sure but water that you can't drink or touch So it's just it's making coke undrinkable, but it looks like water What you would maybe want to do this experiment if you want it to look like you have a lot of water Around your house, that's maybe why you would want to do it. All right. No, this is the fucking way you do it You want to poison your spouse groundskeeper Give them this because it's still coke technically it's just got a bit of bleach in it. I hope that they hope that they can't smell Yeah, it doesn't smell like coke. It doesn't look like coke either, but it is technically you saw how much coke It's bleaching now. Yeah, it's bloke Next segment is called My favorite one. Yeah, and this is a segment where we basically just do a prank. Could you hear that? Yeah, the first one was perfect All right, we literally just tried 15 different numbers. So unfortunately. We're calling Domino's Pick up. Thank you But I just have to let you guys know that I am currently in quarantine and then I have been Exposed to someone with coronavirus. I haven't tested positive or anything yet But I have been exposed and I have been told to ice to self-isolate for 14 days And that was about four days ago. I just have to tell you guys that but yes, I'm going to come in and collect the pizzas and So just letting just letting you guys know to definitely maintain that that social distancing Thing that they're saying about on the on the on the television. Oh, I'll see I'll do I'll do pick up. Yeah, I'll come into the store my coffee my coffee is much better today And I'm pretty good at catching most of them. So I'll just come in and to the store I'll be in and out in a jiffy, but I'm just just let the staff know and maybe the other patrons in there that someone with Potentially with coronavirus will be coming into the store Maybe maybe let the staff know that that's gonna happen because um, I don't have any of those masks or anything left and Yeah, I just don't I just don't obviously want to put anyone in any danger or anything I'm a bit I'm going a bit stir crazy at home Fed up He's gonna ask his supervisor and the supervisor gonna say no Yeah, hello, I just called you guys just before and you guys put me on hold for about five minutes and then hung up on me I was just wondering what was that all about? I think I forget his name if I'm being honest it was Yeah, yeah, look I was just in the middle of ordering a pizza, but I as I explained to the other guy I have been exposed to someone with coronavirus and I'm actually in self isolation for the next 14 days So I legally I have to tell you guys that but so I was just maybe thinking give the rest of the staff a bit Of a heads up that I'm coming in and just just make sure I'm following social social distancing rule You know all that stuff on the TV. Yeah, yeah Like Yeah I've got my mother-in-law here and she's actually She's actually a massive bitch and I don't want her to see that I'm ordering a pizza So I'm gonna have to just come in but don't worry. I'll put my hand over my mouth and stuff I don't have any of those masks left You're coming Okay, great. Yes, I'll be I'll come in and I'll just bang on the on the glass at the back We're at the front of the store and Because Yeah, well, it's just I have a lot of I was just gonna I was just I was just gonna use the rest of my coins in my In my wallet to pay for the pizza. That's all would you be okay? If I just left the coins at the front of the store as well there You'll see me I'll be the one banging on the glass and I'm wearing shorts and a singlet a pink singlet and two boots So I'll I'll come and bang on the window and I'll leave the coins I'll leave the coins at the front door, and then I'll just accept Toilets It'll be the money is real money though, it's not Coins when you're putting this you got to understand like we all So so just just to be clear Just to be clear here So you see you're asking me to order online because you're you don't want me to come into the store And you don't believe my money is real and you want me to order online? I don't even have a laptop my fine friend I don't even have a laptop so so how do you expect me to order online look? I'm just down the road. I'll just pop in very quickly I've just got my money now if you once you see me just banging on the window just come out and take my order I'm okay, and we'll just go from there if that's all right because I don't even have a laptop and to be honest Yeah, you're being quiet. You're being quiet. You're being quite rude You're being quite rude and you are actually contributing to starving. That's what you're doing right now You're contributing to starving. It's already so crazy out there today It's already so crazy out there today and you're you're contributing to starving and I'm so hungry and all I'm gonna do is come on I don't know and get myself all pinksman and you can't say I'm coming in there. I'm coughing everywhere. I'm coming in. I'm coming in. I'm coming into the store We're gonna get hate for that. Oh fuck you. It's just a joke Guys by the way, we we called them back and told them it was a joke Oh, yeah, and we've totally sorted out everyone's all happy there in there's no panic happening Matt You were there. We didn't make that up at all Everyone's fine. We just called them back and said hey, mate. Sorry. That was just a joke guys That is the end of episode number seven if you want again if you want us to do prank calls DM them to our Instagram name of the person you want called where they live and just a bit of a Scenario that they're in don't just say are they like name address. We won't put the address in we won't name in we won't say any details We won't say anything of the details, but I just need them for the prank call So and don't just say oh, he likes football just be like oh, yeah He's recently been you know put whatever just just an actual scenario that they're in I can't think of an example Okay, but just fucking yeah, because these those prank calls you're sending not one person answered not one out of 15 So we had to call dominoes and that guy's all panicked now. Yeah. Yeah, we created it's their fault Yeah, I didn't want to say but yeah Matt and that's why we're the best We're the best We're the best We're the best