 The makers of Wrigley Sperm and Chewing Gum invite you to enjoy life. Life with Luigi, a new comedy show created by Cy Howard, and starring that celebrated actor, Mr. J. Carol Ash with Alan Davis the Scholar. You know, friends, Wrigley Sperm and Chewing Gum is a typically American product that appears to people of all ages and nationalities in all parts of our country. And the Wrigley people feel that Life with Luigi is a typically American radio program. A friendly, enjoyable show that sort of symbolizes the American spirit of tolerance and goodwill. So the makers of Wrigley Sperm and Chewing Gum are glad to bring you Life with Luigi each week and have you join them in this pleasant half-hours transcribed entertainment. And now let's read Luigi's letter as he writes about his adventures in America to his Mama Basko in Italy. The tomatoes are going to be one of the biggest of days of my life. I'm going to make sure that I face the bigger potatoes since I'm in America. I'm going to remember when I'm a face to come to here. Do you know how I'm a like a parade of Mamma Mia? Well, I'm stealing the one that the five or six are people. So I'm going to get the behind the men with the bigger base of them have to go boom-a-boom-a. And I'm a matcher. Oh, it's so wonderful. Everybody's calling me brother. People use to throw money at me. And when it's all over, I'm a friend out. I'm a member of the Salvation Army. And then a few months later, I'm going to see another parade. About ten men. They're not going to fire it. They're just marching up and back in the front of the store. So I'm a matcher too. Here, they also call me brother. But nobody is at home with pennies. And I'm a friend out. I'm a what do they call a picket. Then a few weeks later, I'm going to see my strength in another parade. This isn't much longer. So again, I'm getting back in a match. Nobody is at home with my brother. Nobody is at home with the pennies. Nobody is even a talker to me. And all of the people that take out of the Hockey Chief, some will take out of my Hockey Chief. And then they start to cry. So I'm going to cry too. Soon I'm going to cry louder than anybody else does. Everybody is a friend to me in the state. Must be poor Charlie the brother. Anyway, tomorrow is going to be a really big parade for 40 July. And I'm going to make no mistakes when I'm a matcher there. Because in my whole night's school of class, they're going to march away to me. But now my money is the time for me to go to school. And my teacher Miss Spaulding is going to tell us all about the parade. Oh, what a big day is it going to be. America, I love you. Do you like the fact that you mean it? From ocean to ocean. That's how I chose Obama. Ever since you've done it. Yes, yes, please. All right, let's turn your attention. I'll cry a little. Mr. Bosco? Yes. Mr. Halle? Yes. Mr. Allison? Mr. Schultz? Here present in attendance and up your service. Mr. Schultz? Oh, I'm so sorry. For a minute I thought I was a gas station attendant. Thank you, hello, boo-boo. Mr. Schultz, can I please have some crying? Sorry, all because it's mobile gas. Mr. Schultz, what am I going to do with you? Oh, I've got a suggestion. Mr. Schultz, please. No, you're speaking Miss Spaulding. I'm already married. I didn't mean that. Well, let's get on with our history lesson. Aha, so you think I'm cute, huh? Come on, let's meet with Miss Spaulding, huh? I do, I don't... I do not, and... Aha, I thought you were so cute. You have not. We will now discuss our history lesson. Now, everyone knows that Washington crossed the Schultz in a boat. I mean, Washington crossed the Potomac in a Schultz. I've kept a watch case in my barn, it says. We will now get on with our history lesson. Now, class, if any of you know the answer, raise your hand. Now, who can tell me five causes of the Revolutionary War? I know Miss Spaulding. Don't ask any further. I got the whole answer. Oh, what a showoff. When somebody called up Washington and had him throw open across the Potomac... Miss Spaulding, I know you know the answers, but I want to see if anyone else knows. Come now, class, five causes of the Revolutionary War. Anybody? Well, how about four causes? All right, three. Two? Miss Spaulding, the war is over. Now, what do you want to do? Start up again? Oh, please. Mr. Baster, do you know the answer? No. Mr. Howard? I'm sorry, I don't carry a grudge. Miss Spaulding, no one knows. That's my turn to give the answer. There he goes. One good apples for the whole rotten barrel. Please ignore him, Mr. Alton. Start. Five causes of the Revolutionary War. One, heavy taxes on the colony. Two, not enough representation in government. Three, foreign soldiers on American soil. Four, unfair legislation. And five, British capture of American ships. Timmer, no wonder I hate English monsters. That is very good, Mr. Alton. Mr. Baster, why is it that you couldn't answer any of the questions? Hello. Hello, Mr. Spaulding, it's a pleasure. How was it thinking of the big parade tomorrow? And how happy I'm going to be tomorrow? Yes, I'm glad you reminded me. Claes, I want you to remember this carefully. Now, we're all meeting at 12 o'clock on the morning of Michigan and 16th, right by the Armory, where we'll join the parade. I'm going to Hollywood. Is it going to be a wonderful parade? Yes, yes, yes. And I know a place out of the way, a fellow there's the most delicious hot dogs in the world. We're going to stop and buy from him, huh? What more we have to buy hot dogs? My wife, Baster, should make a wonderful strudel. We are not for all of us. I think hot dogs. Oh, that was a good idea, Horowitz. Yeah, I will bring some smorgasbord and some seedish wine for the strudel. What's the matter with hot dogs? Mr. Baster, wait a minute. Better don't forget to me. I'm not going to pass by the spaghetti palace and order some pizza. So kill me. All right, hot dogs. That sounds wonderful. Mr. Schultz, why do you insist on hot dogs? Because I thought the fellow was going to be velling them. Luigi, my friend. Mr. Schultz, how many of you should do me a favor? You've got to make me a lot of pizziola. I'm going to feed a baby cloud. Luigi, my son, who-who, I'm going to kiss you. What Mr. Schultz said is I want you to make him a pizziola for a big cloud. That's all right. You take it to my daughter-in-law's side of picnic. Mr. Schultz is for a parade. And I'm going to tour with my night-schooler class. How much money do you want for five big orders of a pizza? Money, money, money. Luigi, you think everything in life is a money? There's some things in life that money can't buy. Like what, to Pasquale? Like love, marriage, good wife. Pasquale, I'm not the man in you daughter-in-law's side. Please, Luigi, you marry her now, and I promise you I never ask you again. No, Pasquale, she's too fat for me. Luigi, there you go to business, Amanda. When you marry a woman, you must look for value. Value? No. When you buy a toothpaste, the one you buy, the smaller size, the medium-sized? Isn't all you suppose, Pasquale, I'm not going to buy the giant economy size. Luigi, you're talking as stupid. Remember, good things, they always come in a bigger package. You mean a little package. Shut up, but today I'm pushing a bigger package. Luigi, you ain't a user in your head. Don't you know bachelor life is very good, but it ain't for single fellows. You marry my rose that got a nice honeymoon. All expenses are paid. You bring her back at your new house, carry her across to the threshold. Carry a rose across to the threshold? With the water. With your arms, that's the water. Pasquale, you know I'm going to never carry a rose across to the threshold. All right, then I buy you a bulldozer and you push one. Come on, Pasquale, please. Rose is a nice girl, but not for me. Just tell me, are you going to make me food for this parade tomorrow? No, I'm not going to have nothing to do with you. Sit down, my little punk in the head. Oh, thank you, Pasquale. Luigi, this parade means a lot to you, eh? Oh, yes, Pasquale, I'm going to be so proud of walking into my first big parade. I'm going to feel like a real American. Luigi, I've got a way as a guarantee to make you the biggest and the best American in that parade tomorrow. That's wonderful. How, Pasquale? When the parade is a pass to the reviewer to stand at 9th to the Michigan, you've got to explode the biggest of firecrackers they ever saw. Yeah, but, Pasquale, I think I'm ahead of that shooting off of the firecrackers that's against the law. Oh, yes, you're right. But that was before they invented the Fourth of July. After the Fourth of July, they made illegal the fireworks by passing a Fourth Amendment. This amendment is also called the Path to Heartly Act, which is a means that anybody can shoot off of firecrackers unless their name is a Path to Heartly. What's your name? Luigi, Pasquale. You're a lucky pup for you. Pasquale, how do you know so much about the law? Well, I've always liked to keep a mission informed. Luigi, you'll leave everything if you're a good friend of Pasquale. I'm going to buy you the biggest of firecrackers in the town. Pasquale, you're so wonderful to me. Hey, you think when I'm exploded with my firecrackers, they're going to take my number, put it in my picture in the paper so I'm going to send it to Italy. Luigi, you don't have to send your picture to Italy. They're going to send you there. Me? What? I'm a goodwill, too. Luigi, tomorrow is really going to be a very good day for you. Believe me, when you explode those firecrackers, people are going to be so touched that I think it is all right. You're going to be carried away, too. Now, go, go, go, go. I'm going to take care of everything. All right, Pasquale, and thank you for everything. Goodbye. Goodbye, little banana nose. And remember, don't tell anybody how you're going to shoot off a fireworks, because then they do it, too, and it won't be no surprise. All right, Pasquale, I'm going to tell nobody. So, if you thought that July parade is more important when I picture him a good I'm not a mean man, but when somebody purposely goes out of his way not to marry my daughter, I'm going to be the biggest rat in the Chicago. Hello? Police department? This is Pasquale, the rat. Yeah, fellow, who's a good friend of yours? I got a tip for you. Huh? My name? I got to keep my identity under my head. Anyway, if you stand on a Michigan in the night at tomorrow at 12 o'clock when the parade is passed by, you're going to see a fellow who's going to suddenly go crazy and shoot off a firecracker who's not telling what else he's going to do. You going to watch out for him? Fine. His name is Luigi Bosco. That's all right, Luigi Bosco. Huh? I should spell it? A... B... No, I'm not going to spell it. Don't you think I am a squealer? We return to life with Luigi. Here's a little thought that's good to keep in mind. It's the fact that Wrigley's spearman chewing gum is really a two-way treat. It's a taste treat with lots of delicious long-lasting flavor, and it's a chewing treat. Something good that you can chew on for as long as you want. What's more, this pleasant chewing aids often helps keep your teeth bright and clean, so it's especially helpful right after a meal. Enjoy helpful, delicious Wrigley's spearman chewing gum often, and be sure that the folks at your house always have some handy. Keep a few packages on the living room table. And now let's turn to page two of Luigi Bosco's letter to his mother in it. And the summer in a few minutes, the shoots are going to meet me here, and we're going to gather to my first afforded July parade. Over there, the squallies are going to be handing me the firecrackers, and I'm going to shoot them off. Run them here. Maybe my pitches are going to be in a nuisery. Can you imagine when the day you're going to walk into the movies in Italy, and there's going to be double a feature? Yeah. Luigi Bosco and a still-a-nose-of-the-bungee-racker. Oh, it's going to be a big day. Luigi, my fellow boomer. Hello, Schultz. What's the matter, Luigi? You're talking so shaky. Schultz, I'm a little nervous. You know, it's my first parade. Well, maybe you ought to have a little schnifter, too. You think the schnifter isn't going to make me look bad? Who wouldn't? You should see my hairings, how beautiful they look when they are pickled. They lose all their nervousness. Last week, I pickled two of them, and today they were standing up in the barrel, daring me to come down and gather. Smile, Luigi. I'm glad to cheer you on. Thank you, Schultz. I'm a little better already. Schultz, look at all of this food that a Pascuali gives me free for the parade. No, stop. When Pascuali gives anything away, it's got strings attached. Rosa's apron strings. No, Schultz. There's no strings attached. Pascuali is a very good, heart-to-the-man. While I'm working with a parade, he's promised to take my picture with her to know that you know the Polaroid camera. What? After the camera, where you press the button and the picture comes out in a minute. Isn't that the fast? What's so fast? Last week, I went to a picture. It was so terrible, I came out in ten seconds. Now, what other favors is Pascuali going to do for you today? Well, Schultz, that's a secret. But are you going to find out the later? All right, but come on. We've got to go to the parade now. All right, Schultz, come. Please, Luigi, stop that nervous business. Smile, Luigi. Be like me, calm. Always happy, loving. Oh. My rheumatism is killing me. In a moment, and we don't want anyone getting lost. What do you mean, Schultz? You're in that air-broxened sport. Great, you taste my strudel. Have a cup of the pizza. It sounds like the United Nations with heartburn. Something American. The bicarbonate has sold us. Well, she's a funnier than you. Yeah, Miss Schultz, maybe you and me will go on television together, huh? We have a program called Breakfast in Night School. These are all the practical contingents. Boy kids at the Dr. Schultz Footpath Company. They must be breaking in a new shipment of arch-support. Oh, no, come here. Finish them. I'm sent a chicken to frequency trumpet. I look at that drum major. Instead of carrying a baton, he is waving her shit to me. Great, Captain. He's motioning us. Mr. Vasco. Mr. Vasco. Yes, sir. You carry the flag. Lead. Lead, carry the flag. Run for me. By the way, Mr. Vasco, where are you going? Mr. Vasco, where are you going? It's a surprise. I'm coming right back. Don't be too long, Luigi. All right. What is the stuff you brought? Luigi, here's the flag. Here's the matches if you like them. All right. Where are you going? I'm going to call the cop to make sure he doesn't miss you. Thank you, Mr. Vasco. Nothing to worry about. I'm going to get you the best lawyer the reason I have you out of jail and by the best quality you told me it wasn't out against the law to shoot off the firecrackers. Well, I made a mistake, but I believe me the whole thing was purely intentional. Besides, who told you to hand the cop of the firecrackers a hand? You know, when he climbed down from that lamppost, he was ready to kill you. Well, that's the worst of day of my life. How would it do anything to get out of this? Anything, Luigi. Well, I... I'll amost anything. Mr. Luigi, visiting time is almost up. For the two minutes, you're going to be up in front of the judge. If you marry my rose, I get it the best lawyer in the town. We put up for you bail. He's the heaviest of your corpus. Then we drag your case through the car for five or six years and by that time you get your citizen papers and cases of dismiss. What do you say, my son? All right, papa. I called into the bash for the bride. Rosa! Rosa! Rosa! Rosa! Hello, Luigi. I said what? Luigi is about to offer you his hand. What do you say to that? Time's up. Fast, go follow me. Don't worry, Luigi. I'm going to take care of everything. Hey, hey, hey! Caught us now in session. Judge Mitchell presiding. Your honor, all these men here are charged with violation of the fireworks ordinance. Pleasure, Your Honor. I'm a type of a good American. I'm an annoyance to the law. Pay no attention to that fellow judge. He's to get the good lawyer to the fed. Quiet. I'll have no comments in the courtroom. No, stop, stop. I heard all about it and I came as quick as I could. It's not Luigi's fault. It's not Pasquale. It's Robert Simmons. If I hear another... First, I'll clear this court. Now, you men, every year at this time I get a group of men who continue violating a very important safety ordinance. Almost every city in the United States has a Fourth of July spectacle where you may witness a fireworks display in a safe and sane way. Why you persist in endangering your life and the lives of your children and your property? I cannot understand. But a judge, I'm always a type of a good American. You're all good Americans. Wait. I'll give you a chance to prove it. Let's hear you all sing the Star Spangled Banner. All right, come on. Oh, I see. And you'll see by the door what's so bright for you to stand by the stars in the sky. Oh, the land where parts we watched was so gallantly streaming. And the rocket's red glare, bombs was bursting in air, gave proof through the night that our flag was still there. Oh, say, oh, say, oh, say, does the Star Spangled Banner yet wave for the land of the free and the home of the brave. What's your name? Luigi Pasco. Don't be frightened. A case against you is dismissed. You're the only person I've ever heard sing the Star Spangled Banner through from beginning to end. Thank you, Judge. Mr. Pasco, if you've taken the time to memorize our national anthem, you must be a good citizen. I'm another seconder, Stanza, too. That makes him too good citizen. But if Judge you can't let him go, I'm going to hire him a lawyer. Yeah, who are you? He's Pascovalli, the fella of my day, Luigi's a buyer world. Well, I've got nothing against you for that. In fact, I'd like to get some fireworks myself. You would? I certainly. But I don't know where to get them. You'd be a friend of mine if you'd tell me. Well, in that case, Judge, I'm happy to be a service to you. Pascovalli's a spaghetti palace at 23 North Hall Street. That's all I want to know. I've got you with a guilty party, two days in jail. Hey, wait! Where are you going, my son? Come, I'm going to get to your lawyer. Happy to see you caught, Mr. Papper. And in the summer, after I'm going to get out of court, I'm going to join a parade, and I'm going to have the most wonderful time of my life. At the end of a parade, there was a big sign which shows a picture of the Declaration of Independence which was a sign by great Americans. We hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created equal. Mamma mia, isn't it a funny thing? These are great men realizing this all the most 200 years ago. And some people still don't understand it. Well, goodnight, Mamma mia. I'd like to wish you a happy of July 4th, but by the time I'm going to get this letter, it's going to be two weeks later. So I'm going to wish you happy of July 18th. I'm going to sign the Luigi Basco and the immigrant. Folks, the makers of Wrigley Spearman Chewing Gum hope you enjoyed tonight's episode of Life with Luigi, and they'd like to remind you that refreshing Wrigley Spearman is an ideal treat for your whole family to enjoy. You can give it to youngsters between meals without worrying about spoiling their appetites. And you can enjoy it every day yourself because it's never rich or heavy. So for a delicious taste treat and the helpful chewing treat all combined into one, get some Wrigley Spearman Chewing Gum. It costs very little and it tastes mighty good. Friends, so that the members of the Life with Luigi cast may enjoy a well-earned vacation, this program will be off the air for the next seven weeks. However, the makers of Wrigley's Spearman Chewing Gum invite you to listen next week at this same time when they will bring you from Hollywood to the Brooklyn Yards famed inspector Peter Black on Pursuit. Life with Luigi was transcribed and is produced and directed by Sy Howard. MacBenn off writes the script with Lou Derman. J. Carol Nash is starred as Luigi Basko with Alan Reed as Pasquale, Hans Conrader Schultz, Jody Gilbert as Rosa, Mary Schipp as Miss Balding, Joel Forte as Horowitz, and Ken Peters as Olsen. Music is under the direction of Lud Blusken. So folks until we're back on the air from now with Life with Luigi, this is Bob Stevenson speaking. This is CBS, the Columbia broadcasting system.